In the treatment of BIL?

(76 Posts)
MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 19:58:46

So first aibu ....

Bil turns up just over two years ago. He moved in with me, dh and our small child to a small 2 bed flat. Landlord decides to sell so we have to move because bil is still there complaining about sleeping on the sofa we moved to a three flat plus we had baby 2 at this point. He still complains doesn't like the area, the room is too small, dh has stuff in his room, he doesn't like the way I do his washing and the fact I don't iron everything, the fact I ask him to tidy up after himself and make his own drinks and breakfast or that that the food I cook for dinner is too foreign. Oh and there is a draft, the heating is not enough - wear a jumper - basically complaint after complaint in two years. He has never paid us anything.

So Sunday he sits in his room talking on the phone so loudly that I have turn the TV up in the living room which is across the hall. I snapped and I shouted. I am sorry for shouting but I have had enough. He says I am a bully and bursts into tears. I am stopping him talking to his family and going to the loo in the morning. I said no I am asking you not to shout and bang doors. I asking you to think of others this a flat with a central hallway. No I am a bully and he has left.

Dh's family are cross and don't understand why I have been so fed up. Is it so odd to just want a home for me, dh and the children? I have felt restricted with a guest who hasn't left. I just want to slob on the sofa and watch trash or even just sit cuddle dh. Can't do that brother is here.

So have been unreasonable?

Dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place with me and the kids on one side and family back home the other.

If you recognise me please don't say

You do his laundry? And his cooking? And got a bigger house to accomodate him? I hope he is contributing massively in terms of rent money.

Roshbegosh Tue 18-Mar-14 20:02:04

Why are you a doormat to his family? Not judging, just baffled.

newsecretidentity Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:17


CrohnicallyChanging Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:29

YWB slightly U by shouting but I can see why you snapped and YANBU to be annoyed. He is being rude, firstly by not paying his way and secondly with all the complaints. Why is he living with you in the first place? I think it's time for him to make alternative arrangements (well actually it was probably time 2 years ago!)

Topaz25 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:30

YANBU to be fed up. He's been staying with you rent free for 2 years?! I'm surprised you haven't snapped sooner. Why have you been putting up with this? How does your DH feel about it? It's absolutely nothing to do with the extended family, they can take your BIL in if they feel so strongly.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:07

Are you from another culture OP?

CSIJanner Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:21

Let me guess - you're a 'bully' who didn't charge him rent..?


AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:49

eh ?

Why is he living with you?

just wondering, but yanbu

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Mar-14 20:05:39

Fuck me - he'd never have lasted a day in this house.

HazleNutt Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:27

he lived with you rent-free for 2 years and complained how you do his washing?? Tell me BiL is 6 years old..

hollyisalovelyname Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:29

What age is he?
Does he work? If so, why does not contribute?

If his family are bothered, let them put him up on their sofa. Your family is you, your DH and DC. Your DHs main priority is you 7 his DC. Not an adult sibling who is making his wife miserable, and treatin her like a 2nd class citizn.

Why the fuck are you doing his washing and cooking? Are you his servant? No.

Tell him to get the fuck out and stay out. And tell your husband to grow a backbone and start looking after his own family.

Sorry, but seeing someone nice taken advantage of like this makes me mad.


MrCabDriver Tue 18-Mar-14 20:08:10

Why are you doing his cooking and washing?

Why does he not contribute financially? Does he work? Who pays his share?

You're so obviously not being unreasonable .....and if my OH thought for one minute that I was he can pass off with the BIL too

Finola1step Tue 18-Mar-14 20:08:23

Blimey. 2 years. Is this for real?

You did the right thing. The only thing you have done wrong is leave it this long.

Who in their right mind would think that this situation is ok? I suspect that your dh's family were perfectly happy with the arrangement because while the BIL is living with you, then he is not leeching off them.

Get his stuff out of your spare room because you need it for your own dc.

Ok OP you need to fill in the gaps here!

I'm flabbergasted by the whole thing...

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 18-Mar-14 20:10:38

The error was letting him move in with you to start with. Letting him stay with a clear leaving date, and all expectations (doing his own washing and helping with cooking and cleaning) and him paying his way would have been better. You then pandered to him when moving to the new place, by letting him guilt trip you in to getting him his own room, and not telling him he needed to pay rent.
If DHs family were so bothered about BIL they should have taken him in to start with (by that I mean his parents).
You were well within your right to snap at him, and if DHs family don't understand that then that is their problem.

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 20:11:16

The only thing YABU about is having let it go on as long as it has.

DracuLaura Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:01

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Get him fucked off assp.

harriet247 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:11

Whhhhhhaaaat? It is high time he left! Dont you dare apologise or let him back in!

WitchWay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:12

You have been more than reasonable - stop letting him walk all over you. Nothing to do with his/DH's family either.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:14

He is 22. Works full time. I am English but husband is not.

I am pleased others albeit strangers can see my side. Ever since I have been told that I am horrible and that they can't see what my problem has been

He has just popped back and taken more stuff and ignored me.

I don't think I am going to be Miss popular when we visit in the summer

Imnotmadeofeyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:34

Are the inlaws abroad? Personally I'd dip into my pocket one last time and stick him on a plane home.

If they're not abroad, well he can go mooch off them.

I'm shocked there's no hint of embarrassment from your inlaws he's not paying his way at all.

K8Middleton Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:50

Your dh should have manned up and dealt with this long ago.

I would divorce my dh if he behaved in a similar fashion. I mean that too, I'm not exaggerating for effect.

Lj8893 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:06

Wtf? Is he paying rent?

My sil is about to move in with us, I have already laid down ground rules. She is to be out within 2 months, she has to have a job so she's not under my feet all the time, she has to tidy up after herself, she buys her own food or contributes to our food bill (and shares the cooking).

I am very good friends with sil and have made these conditions in order to preserve that friendship!

ENormaSnob Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:11


You have been taken for a right mug.

Dh has gone along with it.

Id have been single about 23 months ago.

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:57

He works full time and he doesn't pay anything??? shock

How and why did you ever let it get this far?

WitchWay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:59

If he's working there's absolutely no excuse to not pay for his bed & board!!! angry

Imnotmadeofeyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:15:33

Small price to pay mrspear, if they want to back a moocher let them.

He's obviously found somewhere to bed down so let him get on with it and see what it's like looking after yourself in the big bad world of ironing grin

You've probably done him a favour in the long run.

shock WTF is your DH playing at, allowing this to go on?

NeonMuffin Tue 18-Mar-14 20:16:58

Why is he living with you? I'm genuinely confused.

Is there a reason why he is unable to move out or pay rent?

Im afraid I'd chuck him out, ungrateful little twat.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:17:18

Parents are back home. We are the nearest family he had here. He is from a very traditional culture where the men do nothing not even pick up dirty socks for example they want drink the woman runs. Dh has moved away from this - I wouldn't have married otherwise - and told bil this the way things are but I just think he has accept that we live differently. I swear that thinks dh has lost his manliness by being to the lazy English woman who has him help.

I feel better letting this out. The pressure my husband gets is unbelievable

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:17:58

Sorry for typos

HermioneWeasley Tue 18-Mar-14 20:19:58

Your DH has let his brother treat you and your home like crap. It needs to not happen again.

HazleNutt Tue 18-Mar-14 20:20:47

So what that you're the closes family. He's 22, he does not need family to take care of him.

CSIJanner Tue 18-Mar-14 20:21:31

So he's left and ignoring you? Basically he's in for a cold short shock of the real world as he either tries to gauge favours from mates or rents a room. He'll either end up living in a cesspit or his friends OH's will kick him to the kerb.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 18-Mar-14 20:21:53

At 22, working full time, it is time he stood on his own 2 feet. He has had 2 years to save his wages for a deposit on a little place of his own / a flat share.
He is a grown man FFS.

Finola1step Tue 18-Mar-14 20:22:31

So he is 22, working and not paying his way. That means he is taking money, time and resources away from your dc. Your BIL is angry but only because he was on to such a good thing. Do not fall for the putting family first stuff. He is not putting his own niece/ nephew first, is he?

Don't let him jump back in the gravy train. Sit back and enjoy lolling about in your nightie, watching whatever you want.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:24:15

I have got the feeling he has moved into his sister's - 2 bed flat with. 2 small babies and husband - he couldn't survive without a woman around. God that sounds bitchy blush

Whocansay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:26:49

On the bright side, he left and is ignoring you! It looks as if the in-laws will hold it against you anyway, so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and tell the chauvinist little fuck to piss off, do his own washing and pay his own way.

How did you put up with this for 2 years? Why did your husband make you put up with this for 2 years? shock

AlpacaLypse Tue 18-Mar-14 20:28:19

I came across this when an English friend married a (gorgeous) Kenyan. Her DH was UK educated and fairly well housetrained, but then his (male) cousin was sent over to stay...

Thankfully after only three months the cousin joined the British Army, the thing he'd come to do in the first place. My friend had been counting the days for two months, three weeks and six days by this point!

Does your BIL have any intention whatsoever of doing anything productive with his life?

VeryStressedMum Tue 18-Mar-14 20:28:51

Omg, you are a saint. You've more than done your bit, if his family can't see that it is not your problem. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Enjoy your freedom and let others get on with whatever they are doing. He left of his own free will.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:29:17

Small things irk like when I have a bath I don't like to get dressed straight away but instead wonder about with just a dressing gown on sans underwear. I know strange but for 2 years I couldn't do that . Dh just goes on how he wants to help his brother. I know they come from a poorer country and this is a chance for him to save some money to make a better future but I have had 2 years of moaning.

Don't allow yourself to be a doormat again, that's my first point, so tell him he's not welcome back if he asks.

Don't visit the IL's abroad if you're going to be treated badly during the visit for standing up for yourself regarding BiL.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:31:48

I am not sure what he is saving for and tbh he has been English culture ahem

Thank you for everyone who has replied it has really helped as I have made to feel awful

Holdthepage Tue 18-Mar-14 20:31:58

Did he come to you direct from the 18th century?

VeryStressedMum Tue 18-Mar-14 20:32:18

And if he wants a woman that will wait on him hand and foot suggest that he finds his own wife (good luck to him) and not use his brothers.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:32:23


ivanapoo Tue 18-Mar-14 20:32:53

YANBU - please remember you have helped him massively for two YEARS. Focus on that.

AlpacaLypse Tue 18-Mar-14 20:34:56

I also had an anglophone African friend from university who did put up with this shite, for donkey's years - she'd worked hard, won a scholarship to a UK university, married a British citizen, progressed well in her chosen career of law - and yet her home always seemed to be full of miscellaneous cousins freeloading on her while they mulled over what to do with the rest of their lives. Sitting on their arses while she ran herself ragged dealing with two small children and a full time job. Grrr....

Liara Tue 18-Mar-14 20:34:59


It's all well to say 'from a different culture'. I am from a different culture, where family are always welcome to come and stay. They are absolutely grateful for it, offer to help in any way possible and always abide by the rules of the household. As I did when I was young and stayed with family for extended periods.

I wouldn't let them get away with it. Don't say it's about your bil being there, say that it is about the way he was rude and ungrateful, and blame him for it all.

Turn the tables on him.

NadiaWadia Tue 18-Mar-14 20:35:09

'tbh he has been English culture ahem' - sorry, what does this mean??

NadiaWadia Tue 18-Mar-14 20:36:56

Your BIL sounds like a right little shit, BTW.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:43:35

Back home he would go for a coffee and that was it. His dad would say to him you are not going out and he wouldn't and was therefore controlled. Here I showed him he was adult and if he wanted to go out he could just me know about dinner - he rarely did - but no other explanations required. He enjoyed the freedom but I think that hasn't saved as much as he could. That is what I meant hope it makes sense

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:44:59

I keep losing words sorry

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:49:24

I get it that he comes from a culture where women are expected to do the domestics...I don't agree, obviously, but I get it. BUT surely the pay-off in this scenario is a significant financial contribution to the household?

The boy is a joke! Please don't feel badly.

Burst into tears did he...hope you passed him his dummy at least.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 18-Mar-14 20:51:07

Stop doing his washing! Is there a WTF smiley?

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 21:28:27

Nadia there was an 'enjoying' missing from that sentence.

deakymom Tue 18-Mar-14 21:28:46

you should have shouted one year and 11 months ago yanbu he is an unwanted guest who is a pain in the butt

captainmummy Tue 18-Mar-14 21:55:20

So - OP, what would this entitled little prince have done if you'd just siad NO I AM NOT DOING YOUR WASHING!?? (And please dont say you did it for the quiet life)

Honestly - the only reason he is not doing his own washing and cooking and looking after his own self - is because others(women) do it for him!

Maybe you;ve had a lucky escape - a bit of shouting (well done, BTW) and he's gone. Good riddance - don't let him back!

ChasedByBees Tue 18-Mar-14 22:06:26

I have no idea how you put up with that for two years

deste Tue 18-Mar-14 22:50:00

I would be telling your husband that if he thought his brother could come back that you would be moving out. Two years, two weeks and I would having been climbing the walls. I don't know how you managed.

softlysoftly Tue 18-Mar-14 22:57:07

Well good result the fucker has moved out.

Stick to your guns he DOES NOT COME BACK.

Nennypops Tue 18-Mar-14 23:24:31

It's fine for him to want to save money, but the reality is that he is not actually saving money, he is taking it out of dh's pocket, and by virtue of having you for a servant. If he thinks that is manly, he is completely deluded. If dh's family think he is in the right, you are all better off without them.

Caitlyn2014 Wed 26-Mar-14 04:39:22

Im married to someone from a different culture and totally get the 'helping someone to get on their feet' way of things - but your situation was out of hand.

I think the stay with his sister will be short lived for the simple reason he will have a brother in law to contend with as head of the house, not a brother, and he will have to toe the line after an initial honeymoon period. So before it all goes tits up where he now is - you have to seize the chance make it very clear to your husband that his brother is not allowed to come back and stay with you. As for what the rest of the family will say, it really is quite simple - you just tell your husband you don't care what they say and that you will not be visiting them in the summer unless he makes it clear to them your brother in law is an arse. And you know what - it is ok to say that, and for him to say it, it really really is. All this talk of he's family etc, that its not the done thing in the culture they come from - bollocks to that. Its not true and you have been fed a line. Even as a family member in your home there were etiquettes he was supposed to observer and its obvious he hasn't, but that said things got to the stage they did because neither you nor your husband said to him - its not going to be this way.

You mentioned what happens after you have your bath. I understand the cultural aspect of it but the way to handle it would have been for you to say - turn your bloody head away if you don't like it, let your eyes be the shield. Or you could have said - why do I have to, is he not like a brother to me??? They cant have it both ways you know, and it really does make me very angry when a woman doesn't have the run of her own house because she's cowed by chancers who use tradition and culture to suit them.

I really wish young women who enter into cross cultural relationships would realize that just because something went on in the husband home country, it doesn't mean to say it has to go on in theirs.

This advice is coming to you from a middle aged granny who's very happily lived (abroad) in a mixed marriage with someone from a very traditional culture for a lifetime. I'm telling you its ok to say BOLLOCKS, and not just because if he wants to maintain the traditions etc of where he came from he should puck right off back to where he grew up. What is going on here is way beyond the normal absorption/blending of each others ways and backgrounds usually found when people from two very different backgrounds make a life together.

TropicalHorse Wed 26-Mar-14 05:05:12

My BIL came to stay with no end-date and no return flight. He was a similarly helpless, entitled manchild that you have had to deal with. I lasted four days, then bought him a plane ticket. His parents have recently paid me back for it, nearly a year later!

Ticklishy Wed 26-Mar-14 06:47:19

Sounds dreadful Op, I think that any time your in laws criticise, you should come straight back laying it on thick that in England it is shameful behaviour and that real men are expected to pull their weight. Tell them friends and neighbours wondered what sort of family your Bil is from behaving like that .

We had my BIL stay for 3 years, while studying and when he first started work. DH had to ask him to leave, once he was earning.
We had my DSis stay for 3 years, when we lived abroad. We had to also tell it was time to leave and stand in her own two feet.

Both were behaved well enough, BIL tidied up after himself ONLY (he would wash his dinner plate and ignore a few dirty mugs sitting in the sink. That used drive me mad).
But in both cases around the two year point, I started to resent them staying and want them gone.
Both did all their own cooking, washing, etc. we just provided a free bed.

Family life isn't same with house guests.

OP, I would insist DH makes it clear to BIL and ILs that you both have done your bit. He stayed two years, and was not a well behaved or an appreciative house guest. That he needs to learn manners and to grow up.

NurseyWursey Wed 26-Mar-14 10:41:11

Jesus Christ OP you have been tremendously lovely and calm, you have treated him as one of your own, and quite frankly, babied him.

That's not on, and your husband should have realised this and put a stop to it

Slinkysista Wed 26-Mar-14 11:01:53

Op that situation would end my marriage for sure, it sounds hellish to say the least!
Sorry, that's not very helpful but really, you are practically a saint for putting up with that.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 26-Mar-14 11:10:55

Get the rest of his stuff packed up now and get any keys back from him. Do not, under any circumstances, let him back into the house to stay.

You've done enough for him.

If your husband has moved away from that culture, why are you happy to cater to your BIL (as he clearly hasn't). With him gone from the house, there will be no one reporting to the family back home and you can get on with your lives happily.

22! He's a grown up.

ProlificPenguin Wed 26-Mar-14 13:12:12

You are neither his wife nor mother. He shouldn't be treating you like you are. 2 years is enough isn't it?

My BIL wanted to move in with us, I said no. In my family I wouldn't dream of telling my sister I wanted to live at hers or my Aunt. In my husbands family that woud be norm. my BIL is now sharing a room with his nephew (12) in a two bedroom flat with his other brother and sister in law. This man pays rent though, which is even more bizarre to me, when he could pay for a room of his own in a shared house or bedsit but is sharing a room with a child?!

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 26-Mar-14 13:19:47

Well, it all came to a head. I can see you might feel bad it came to a confrontation, but it's good that he's gone and you are rid of him. Don't let him back in.

And I think your DH has let you down really, not thinking of your needs and feelings and not negotiating with his brother a living arrangement that suited everyone, rather than just suiting your BIL.

And not everyone does this, even if they are from a culture that apparently might expect it. My father comes from such a culture but generally refused to have relatives living with us except on a couple of occasions and he did lay down some strict rules about what was being offered/expected. When one of my cousins rather tried it on demanding I pay for stuff other relatives rang to apologise.

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