to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

(94 Posts)
CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:14

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

VodkaRevelation Sun 16-Mar-14 08:35:32

But you waited for a leap day to ask him?

I disagree, I think it's fine, sensible even, to examine the practices of the past and decide which are worth keeping and which are detrimental and should be done away with. How else does society move on?

JockTamsonsBairns Sun 16-Mar-14 08:41:49

I have never met anyone like that confused.

I didn't "take dh's name", but I didn't get mortally offended by the suggestion. Some women want to, others don't.
Also, I didn't get any big romantic proposal either. We just talked about it over time and agreed that it was what we wanted.

CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:44:49

Did I say I waited for leap day to propose? We had been talking about getting married on the Saturday on the next day which was leap day I just turned and said "are you going to marry me" no fuss, no planning and all a bit tongue in cheek.

RedFocus Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:09

Freedom of choice??
My dh proposed with a ring in front of a parked fighter jet plane - not in the least bit romantic for me or him as his job is fixing them! Was bloody funny though.
We got married at Gretna Green on valentines day - very romantic as we eloped but also practical because it was cheap.
Both my husband and I changed our surnames to my mothers maiden name because it is such a cool surname!
I think everyone should be able to pick and choose what they want otherwise life would be boring and so would weddings! wink

Yama Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:12

I don't know if being apprehensive about proposing to a man is 'traditional'. Rather, society doesn't really approve and remember society is the parent to us all.

Personally, I'd like people to feel confident in being allowed to propose regardless of gender. And I'd like people to keep their own names.

Doublemuvver Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:48

My Dh name is much more exotic than my clunky "maiden" name ( I dislike that term) and was glad to ditch it. And there was no romantic proposal.

CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:48:23

I work with two women who both expected their long term live in partners to do big gesture proposals, one is getting married soon and is having a major strop with her husband to be because he suggested she change her name....................

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 16-Mar-14 08:54:29

What women are these? hmm

I reckon 2/3 of my female friends took their husbands name when they married. I don't know that any of them expected a "big romantic proposal". Some of them might have quite enjoyed the fuss if they got it, in the same way people like a birthday cake with candles and singing, now and then.

I kept my own name when I married. Not mortally offended about anything, but I didn't, for a moment, consider changing it. Didn't do any sort of proposal, really. We discussed marriage, decided it was a good idea, and agreed it like equals.

Back2Two Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:41

I didn't want to keep my name.
I don't like the implication (made generally in society) that women are coerced/forced/expected into taking the man's name and that it has negative implications and is always a nod to the patriarchy.

Again, it's about freedom of choice for all. I wanted to change my name, I embraced my new family name and I moved forward into a new era of my life.

I don't regret it ever.

We talked about marriage, there was no big drama over proposal and a tiny wedding.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 08:56:17

I had the romantic proposal and took dhs name. I dont know anyone that hasnt took their dhs name. If anything a lot less people get married now so they just dont marry instead.

Objection Sun 16-Mar-14 08:56:28

I don't want to take OHs name because I prefer my name - it'll sound really cool when I get my doctorate.

I don't really know anyone who is "mortally offended" at the thought of taking the man's name. It's a preference

I have no idea of how most of my friend's husbands proposed (if indeed they did), I don't recall ever having a conversation with any woman who deemed it important. Lots of women I know have kept their own names too, again though, never heard anyone being mortally offended about whether to or not.

Doublemuvver Sun 16-Mar-14 09:04:18

objection is your surname Who?

paxtecum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:06:05

I'm interested in what title women have: Miss, Mrs or Ms.

Did you keep your own name and become Mrs or Ms or stay Miss?

I think the title is a bigger issue than the name.

All men are Mr (unless they are Dr or Prof etc).
Women are Miss, Mrs & Ms.

I think there should be only one title for women.

eurochick Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:23

I've never heard of any woman taking the position you describe in your OP.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:29

Im not any title really Im just my first name.

Yama Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:30

I am Ms Me.

Our dd is also Ms Me (where there is the option).

meditrina Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:29

"mortally offended"

Is that really true, or is this projection/hyperbole?

I don't think it's difficult to understand a simple concept such as 'people have different views in different issues' or 'not everyone will link these two separate issues as I want to'

paxtecum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:29

George: when ordering on line or in a shop quite often a title asked for before proceeding onto the next bit of the form.

Joysmum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:32

I couldn't give a shit what happens with other people. I proposed, wasn't the grand gesture I'd envisaged it would be, and I took my husbands name.

I don't feel the need to justify my choices and I don't feel the need to consider, let alone belittle the choices of others as it's none of my business and doesn't affect me confused

WooWooOwl Sun 16-Mar-14 09:11:49

Each to their own, but it haven't met anyone with that attitude.

I wanted a nice proposal and to be Mrs Husbands Surname. I think lots of women want the big proposal because they want to feel like their partner really does want to marry them and isn't just doing it because they think they are at the right stage in life or because of pressure from them.

Whether or not women want to change their surname is an entirely separate issue and it's a choice they make based on other factors.

I can't see the issue about wanting a big proposal and to keep a maiden name. The two things aren't connected.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 09:15:43

Romance and changing your name are in no way related.

Never ever buy me flowers or whisk me away to paris cos i dont want to take your name, you bastard.

Someone can want to keep their (father's but let's not go there wink ) name but still appreciate romantic hearts and flowers shit.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:13

I just do whatever and am all sorts on all different. I think it comes from everyone assuming I was a miss for years. Nobody has ever called me Mrs that I can think of as on phones they just say can I call you your first name.

spindlyspindler Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:14

I don't see why a woman shouldn't want what she considers to be a heartfelt proposal that is a declaration of love yet not want to change the name she was born with. We all pick and choose between traditions! Are we all still supposed to go down the aisle with our hymens intact too, and let our parents inspect the sheet in the morning?

maillotjaune Sun 16-Mar-14 09:18:51

I don't know anyone who has been mortally offended by that - but then most people I know have changed their name.

I did, mainly because I felt the ease of having the sake name as the rest of my family outweighed and feminist objections I considered. I am also unbothered by titles - I have used Ms and Mrs depending on mood bit would prefer to just use my first name anyway.

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 16-Mar-14 09:32:38

I agree that there's a problem with titles. I don't see why women should have to declare their marital status while men don't. Actually, I don't really see why anyone should have to declare their gender to their banks/supermarkets/hairdressers/prospective employers.

My title is Dr. When that's not an option on forms, I use Ms.

BlueFrenchHorn Sun 16-Mar-14 09:32:53

I don't understand the fuss either way to be honest. I've met many women largely those I've worked with who were extremely against women taking their husbands name. Imo I don't see whu it should be anyone's business or indeed mean anything.

I'm Mrs DhSurname. My maiden name I've kept as my middle name as I never had one.

I have a degree and a career and my own finances so to me, changing my surname didn't mean I'm not my own person anymore. This is just the combination of names I like and I like that dc dh and I all share one name.

I'm not bothered what other people chose for themselves though and I don't think you lose an identity by changing or adding names.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:35:31

I dont think it think it matters either as it doesnt mean anything.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 09:37:10

I had a very romantic, big proposal involving candles, a fairy ring in a rented garden, rings, friends, even a videographer (I know). But that was DH's choice to do that, I certainly didn't ask for it and I was MEGA shocked. Didn't expect it at all.
I didn't take his name because I don't see the point.
I don't know why the two things are linked, tbh.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 16-Mar-14 09:39:02

Why didn't you just ask him any time? And why did you take his name?
Name changing is a sexist tradition. Tbh I've never known someone who is against name changing ask for a big proposal. I assume they would think both traditions were sexist.
We agreed to get married together and chose an engagement ring each. I will not change my name when we marry.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 09:39:28

Oh, and my pre-marriage name was not my father's, FYI. hmm

itsbetterthanabox Sun 16-Mar-14 09:43:03

I am Ms now and will be Ms when I marry. Ms is equivalent to Mr, it doesn't indicate marital status.
I think we should get rid of Miss and Mrs. Ms covers it.

Ludways Sun 16-Mar-14 09:44:05

I didn't get a romantic proposal, just a casual chat one night, I had the big wedding thing, purely for my lovely nanna who wanted a day out, lol, I then took his name so we could all share the same name as I had ds already and I'm a Mrs.

My name doesn't define who I am, I'm me, I'd still be me no matter what my title or surname was.

Really couldn't careless what anyone else does, I respect their own choices.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:47:51

I wouldbt be a ms I dont like the word. Other than on letters when in rl does anyone call anyone mr, mrs or miss? I very rarely here it in modern day society.

StrawberryCheese Sun 16-Mar-14 09:52:03

I changed my name because I didn't want to be associated with my maiden name anymore (father issues). I would also like to have the same name as any future children. I didn't have the big romantic proposal, that's not our style.

I don't see a problem with picking and choosing traditions. Traditions develop through the generations any way, they didn't all become 'the done thing' at the same time. For example, it's more common these days for a man to wear a wedding ring. That wasn't always the case and some men still choose not to. That's fine, it's about choice.

If everybody followed every tradition we would all be virgin brides and daddy would pay for the wedding in full.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:55:17

I didn't have a big romantic proposal, however there was no way I was having DH surname for our DC nor for myself.

Ds was born, we picked a surname for him later DH changed his surname, then DD was born and getting married was to complete my little family and I then changed my name.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 10:37:41

Is that fyi hmm for me?

I dont give a shit if you didnt take your dads name. I was making a general point not talking to you or thinking of you at all.

Fact is that generally in this country women tend to have their fathers name at birth and change it to their husbands if they marry.

Or they may have their mums maiden name . Which tends to be HER fathers name. So they might have their grandads name instead of their dads.

Or maybe their mum kept her name which was her mums name which she took from her mum but lets be honest. Track it back and their name defaults to a male line in probably 99.99% of cases.

Or maybe someone has picked a name out of thin airand called themselves that. Fair enough.

But that takes nothing away from the general truth that generally speaking it us generally true that in general women generally have a male line traceable name.

Its not really something to get offended about if in one particular person that happens to not be the case.

Trinpy Sun 16-Mar-14 10:40:51

But everyone picks and chooses which traditions to follow, even you op.

Why care about what choices other people make when they don't effect anyone else? I asked not to have a proposal and I chose to keep my surname, but I really don't care whether other women choose to do or not do these things - as long as they are choosing freely.

The only thing I find hard to understand is women who don't take their dh's name but give their dc his name. It is up to them, but I find it hard to understand iyswim.

Chunderella Sun 16-Mar-14 11:56:15

Ah yes, the old 'woman's name as father's name' shit again. People who insist on making this argument really need to explain why exactly they consider the woman's father's name to be his own, rather than his father's. After all, he presumably got it in the same way the woman did- from his father. So why exactly is a man's name his own, but a woman's name her father's?

Paxtecum I'm Ms Myname, as I was before marriage. No change. Low key proposal, as neither of us is the big romantic gestures type.

The 'traditions' aren't intrinsically linked, though. If they were, you might have a point.

Big, romantic proposals (for ordinary people) postdate taking the man's name by centuries, as far as I can understand it. It's not a package deal where if you want the one, you have to do the other.

It's nice to make your own decisions about what you want to do - if some of that's following tradition and some isn't, fine.

chun - YY, exactly. Besides which, as a newborn baby, no-one has much social identity, do they, except as 'baby of John and Jane'. OTOH a person old enough to get married has a social identity tied to their second name - which, increasingly, may well be their mother's name anyway.

squoosh Sun 16-Mar-14 12:11:27

There's always some moron trotting out the 'it's only your father's name anyway' line.

Chunderella Sun 16-Mar-14 12:12:50

Yes LRD it's so utterly illogical to describe a woman's birth surname as her father's, but not a man's. Double standards. Either we describe all the bearers of a surname that they weren't the original holder of as having their own name, or none of them.

YY, exactly.

MaidOfStars Sun 16-Mar-14 16:14:45

Agree with those who've highlighted that the two 'traditions' aren't intrinsically linked. Wanting a big proposal goes beyond tradition into the feeding of a psychological need to be asked and to compare favourably with others. Changing your surname has none of those compounding factors.

For the record, I did not receive anything approaching a proposal (our marriage was a joint decision that we discussed together), nor did I take his surname.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 16:35:22

Wow, ISee, defensive much?
How about not making sweeping generalisations if you don't want to get called on it?

Delphiniumsblue Sun 16-Mar-14 16:42:32

Why do you need to understand it? Everyone is different.

DoJo Sun 16-Mar-14 16:43:26

Why not ask the women you work with? It's by far not a common thing amongst any of the women I know, so I can't presume to answer, but I am not sure what could possibly be considered hypocritical about observing the traditions you like and ignoring those you don't. Why would that be a problem?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 18:27:26

not defensive. Momentarily pissed off with silly humpty face and daft 'fyi' crap over a lighthearted comment that was a nod to previous conversations we've had on mn on this topic over the years, that's all.

And I am not a moron. If you think I am factually inaccurate about the history and traditions of naming in this society then by all means say so. But I take issue with the use of the word moron.

Helltotheno Sun 16-Mar-14 18:30:37

I must say I think the proposal mullarkey is a complete anachronism that people --women especially- put too far too much expectation in. So many relationships are sub-par yet there's still this bull of having a man get down on bended knee to propose. WTAF does it all mean? I sometimes think for a lot of people, the actual proposal and wedding part was the high point of their relationship.

I think agreeing to marry should be an equal business proposal first and foremost, then let people do their romantic stuff completely separately. And it would be nice if people did some hard-faced discussing of where they both stood on kids, working, owning assets, planning for the future etc... In other words, equal expectations.

I guess that's an ideal world though.

Re the name thing, people get hung up on it but in reality, people can just do what they want. If someone likes the sound of a potential DH's name, what's wrong with taking it? Doesn't always have to be a matter of principle.

Saying that I find Mr Hell's name as meh as my own so I didn't bother smile

Fifyfomum Sun 16-Mar-14 18:31:58

I liked to take my husbands name, mostly because it is a nicer name that my maiden name and not connected to my frankly awful family.

I think that 99% of the time the child moves with the mother, into a different relationship/house/village or whatever so it is nice for the child to have the fathers name because it connects them.

TheArmadillo Sun 16-Mar-14 18:47:56

I hate the assumption that every woman who takes her husband's name is an anti-feminist idiot who did it because it was traditional with no thought whatsoever. I have seen quite nasty opinions on here towards those who take their husband's name.

I changed my name to my husband's. It was one of the reasons I got married. I come from an abusive family. Why the fuck would I want to have their name rather than that of the loving family I married into?

Pimpf Sun 16-Mar-14 18:50:30

Surely you do what's right for you! Why is it anyone's else business if you have a big romantic proposal, you take his name, he takes yours, you double barrel or make one up? Why would anyone be offended?

Moonbeam7 Sun 16-Mar-14 18:53:50

Paxtecum- I'm a mrs and I LOVE it. Yes I am proud of being married to hubby and want the world to know it!

AmberDextrous Sun 16-Mar-14 18:55:03

My DH gave me a beautiful proposal.
That was his choice to do so. I loved it but I also chose to keep my own name - that was my choice.
Now I'm MrsDextrous.
I have no problem or feminist issues with people knowing I'm married, i like being married I just like my own name better!

Moonbeam7 Sun 16-Mar-14 18:57:22

Pax(sorry forgot rest, phone is to fiddly to allow checking)- I'm a mrs (my surname) and I LOVE it. Yes I'm proud of being married to hubby an want the world to know it!

But me keeping my surname is more to do with my religion/way of life rather then being mortally offended by anything...

Snargaluff Sun 16-Mar-14 19:01:26

I proposed to mine. People find it really surprising/ shocking.
I'm having his name because I want us all to have the same name when we have children.
No issue.

florascotia Sun 16-Mar-14 19:31:21

The tradition of a wife taking her husband's name is relatively recent in some parts of the UK. In Scotland, no women changed their names on marriage until after around AD 1600, and the tradition of women using their birth names continued well into the 19th century. You can often find Victorian tombstones with names such as 'Mary Bruce wife of John Simpson', for example.

But as others have said, free individual choice/no judgements is surely what matters here. For what it's worth, the United Nations Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women gives women the right to choose their own names:

hiccupgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 20:36:35

Do what you want to and you're comfortable with -at least nowadays we have that choice.

I didn't take my DH name because my name is mine and will always be the same. But I didn't wait for him to propose, I asked him one August day on a day out at a castle.

Titles are a bit tricky I find...I tend to say Mrs just because I find Ms clunky and when I was a classroom teacher Mrs hiccup was easier for the kids. But it's Mrs Maiden name so technically not correct.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 20:44:09

Where the FUCK did I say moron?!
I would never say that.
What the actual?! That's crossing a huge fucking line!
An FYI and a hmm face and you accuse me of that?!

Snargaluff Sun 16-Mar-14 20:46:27

Someone else said moron

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 20:49:04

Someone else did a lot of things...
I used to say moron but it's threads on here that made me realise what horrid connotations it has and I would never in a million years use it now. I am ashamed. Probably a small overreaction due to that.

mrspremise Sun 16-Mar-14 20:49:50

It's a decision to make a new family, ffs! I am perfectly fine with taking my husband's name (because it's cool) and starting a new family with him. is that so hmm ?

LessMissAbs Sun 16-Mar-14 20:50:21

You seem to be confusing romance and a proposal of marriage with a loss of identity, OP.

squoosh Sun 16-Mar-14 20:55:13

I said moron. Why is 'moron' more offensive than 'idiot'?

I think it is moronic, and offensive, to suggest that a woman's name isn’t her own but merely an extension of her father’s.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 21:01:08

Who the hell you talking to? With your effing and blinding and your line crossed? Pack it in.
Squoosh said moron
Its a frigging shitty word to use and i wont accept it.

Fair enough if people disagree about the history of names. I really couldnt give a shit. I think its an interesting history how it came to be and the history of marriage and daughters and land and power and agrrement and family names and male lines and all that but if others dont then thats fine.
But there is no need for them to use insulting words.

MorrisZapp Sun 16-Mar-14 21:04:54

I've heard lots of reasons for individuals to take their husbands name, all valid and personal.

But men never take women's names, and nobody expects them to.

I find name changing in adulthood very odd, I get that it's a personal choice but likewise, I can't help my own opinion.

As for proposals, that's another world of bewilderment. In any serious relationship, both parties are surely involved in discussing the future, making commitments etc. The idea of women waiting to be asked is just odd to me. My friend did it and I was like whaaaat...

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 16-Mar-14 21:04:56

If I knew women like that I probably would think 'that's funny'
But I don't.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 21:08:09

Oh I see, you are being deliberately obtuse, for reasons entirely unfathomable.
You said I called you a moron. I said I didn't and wouldn't use the word as it's horribly offensive.
You said you wouldn't accept me saying it as it's horribly offensive.
Ha! grin
You are the one throwing around unfounded accusations so may I respectfully suggest you wind your neck in.

anothermrssmith Sun 16-Mar-14 21:11:27

I got married within 6 weeks of 4 of my friends (autumn /winter 2012 was a busy one!) and for the proposal none of us girls got the classic BIG proposal. Personally we had talked about marriage but hubby officially asked me at 1am, while in bed drinking a cup of tea! And for us it was perfect.

As for the surname 2 of us changed, 1 didn't and another hyphenated. We all have our reasons for that, I changed as I had a fairly unusual surname that nobody could pronounce never mind spell so going from that to Smith was brilliant! My friend who kept her name is a psychologist who has published articles so for her it made more sense to keep her name and my friend that hyphenated is American where that seems to be much more common than it is here (though I believe hyphenating is becoming much more common here now). No judgement from anyone for any of our decisions we just did what suited us, which is how is should be.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 21:12:50

Now you are being ridiculous.
At no point did i say you called me a moron.

i responded in a paragraph to the person who did.
i would have thought that was quite clear.
One person calls me a moron.
One person does not.
What is more likely? That i make the comment to the person who used the word or the person who did not?

What is the matter with you?

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 21:17:14

Love the way you're taking this up with me, rather than the person who actually said it.
Anyway, apologies for the very rude hijack, OP.
I'll disappear now, because it's entirely unfair to have this ludicrous argument on your actually rather interesting thread.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 21:24:30

Oh come off it. Now you just want to fight.
I DID Take it up with them! I was addressing them in the first place. You are the one who responded to my comment to them with your outraged fuck and your line.
I then tell you you are wrong and you carry on fighting me.
I ask you what is more likely. That i am saying it to the person who used the word or the person who did not and you got angrier still.
What happened was you failed to see the remark made to me and so assumed i had plucked a word out of thin air and attributed it to you. When simply flicking back through the thread would have clearly shown who i was talking to you chose not to do that but continue to pretend i was talking to you about that word.
It would have been so much easier for you to say oh i didnt see that other persons comment and i thought you were talking to me. Sorry.
But you just want to fight me about it for some reason. And when i point out you attacked me in error i am the bad guy again.

BOFtastic Sun 16-Mar-14 21:33:22

Have we had a thread recently about the word 'moron'? I noticed that it got deleted as disablist language the other day. But as squoosh says, it has the same root use as 'idiot', which I've never seen anyone object to. What's the thinking on it?

usualsuspectt Sun 16-Mar-14 21:40:37

Since when has the word 'moron' not been acceptable on MN?

I think most couples just discuss getting married these days. Waiting for a proposal is a bit 1950s.

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:53:34

I've seen moron being picked up as disablist a few times recently - I've always thought of it as another word for 'stupid' or 'idiot', but apparently it's a bad word.

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:59:27



• informal
A stupid person:
‘we can’t let these thoughtless morons get away with mindless vandalism every weekend’


early 20th century (as a medical term denoting an adult with a mental age of about 8–12): from Greek mōron, neuter of mōros 'foolish'.

It originates from adult with low mental age, but is commonly used to mean 'stupid person' (definition from Oxford Dictionary).

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 16-Mar-14 22:28:12

"I think it's fine, sensible even, to examine the practices of the past and decide which are worth keeping and which are detrimental and should be done away with."

Why it sensible and worth keeping to make the male propose?

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:37:18

I've been googling away about disablist language, and I'm going to start a thread in Site Stuff.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:44:34

Here- I'd welcome your thoughts.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 01:53:24

I have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Most of the divorced women I know even kept the ex's name after divorce.

duchesse Mon 17-Mar-14 02:04:39

caruthers, really? I hardly know a married woman in my circles who has taken her husband's name.

I certainly haven't. Bizarrely a source of much annoyance to certain members of my family.

May I say what a very strange OP that is. Almost seems designed to rile people.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 02:07:49

I genuinely haven't duchesse.

Perhaps it's because I just know traditional people?

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 02:37:37

I do find the proposal business very odd in this day and age. Thirty years ago DH and I just sort of came to a consensus that we wanted to be married through conversations about the future and where we wanted our relationship to go.

I did not take his name and I am Ms. All of the women I know use Ms, whether or not they took their husband's name, but Ms is essentially the default title for women now in the US so that is not unexpected. Of my close friends, about half did not change their names on marriage. We are all women in our 50s and 60s.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:07:08

I don't find it the least odd. I chose to take my husband's name and I am Mrs. It is personal choice, it is no one else's business, I couldn't care less what others do and it is no big deal.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:08:24

What I find is odd is people making a personal decision and then thinking it is the one that everyone should follow.

OutOfCheeseError Mon 17-Mar-14 08:28:03

I had what some might call a 'big' proposal (down on one knee, sparkly ring, romantic location etc), but that's because it's what my fiancé wanted to do. I'd've happily asked him, or just agreed together and got on with it, but I knew he had this big idea, and it was important to him, so I kept quiet and respected that. I'm not changing my name to his, and he, in turn, respects that.

I don't care so much about whether other women take their husbands names as that doesn't really affect me, but the use of Mrs does affect me (as people assume incorrectly that it is my title). So I would like to see everyone else follow in that respect and hope that in my lifetime Ms will be the default title for women in the UK too. By that I don't mean everyone will be forced to use it, I just hope that a majority of women will come round to my way of thinking and it will happen naturally.

wishful75 Mon 17-Mar-14 09:36:53

yabu. Most couples I know decide together to get married and many prefer more intimate personal occasions.

I don't know anyone in my circle who has changed her name. It all boils down to personal choice. I do however know a couple of men who have chosen to take their wife's name.

its ignorant to see a maiden name as the father's name but not to appreciate that the same argument applies to men.

limitedperiodonly Mon 17-Mar-14 09:46:14

I didn't change my surname on marriage. Though if it had been Moron I definitely would have done.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 17-Mar-14 09:53:38

It isn't just personal choice to change your name. If you are pushed heavily from childhood to see women name changing as normal and correct then it's hard to go against that. Also if your husband to be feels this way too your being told it's 'offensive' to him to not take his name. Then the wider world having that opinion too. It's easier to give in even if it's not a positive thing to do. Most people don't even question because it is such a common thing to do.

tb Mon 17-Mar-14 09:55:45

Re titles, both Miss and Mrs are abbreviations of Mistress - bit like Master for little boys, and Mister for grown up ones.

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 14:14:09

Yes, and at one time Mrs. was used for both married and unmarried women as abbreviation for Mistress. Ms. is a more modern abbreviation for Mistress that restores using the same title for both.

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