to refuse to host my husband's access to our children?

(85 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:00:33

Hello everyone. It's my first time on AIBU, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

Morgause Sun 16-Mar-14 08:07:03

He created the situation and has to live with the consequences. YANBU to want your new home to be your space.

In your place I'd be looking for work ASAP before he turns even nastier.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:10:03

It sounds as if you are sadly lacking in legal advice. Get to the solicitor as soon as you can, definitely before the house purchase completes.

silverten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:10:12

Morally I think you are in the right to want your space.

I should think legally you're in a fairly good position, but can't say with certainty. I bet someone else will be able to help soon though!

Well done for being a grown up about this- he sounds pretty horrible to me.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:38

Oh, and ask Mumsnet to move this to Relationships before the usual AIBU crowd come on and start attacking you for not making more effort to allow this nasty piece of work access to his children.

petalsandstars Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:46

Have you got the ball rolling with a solicitor? Is the house part of a financial settlement?

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:48

I assume the house is you settlement in the divorce so your solicitor should be ensuring the title is in your name only. Then get you solicitor to write as mine did a clear letter stating how contact will take place ie. away from your home.
He will throw lots of things like what if the kids need something you have to stick to the they will survive and learn to take it with them next time.

MeepMeepVrooom Sun 16-Mar-14 08:15:05

So he is buying your new house and paying the mortgage? confused

Rauma Sun 16-Mar-14 08:15:56

As a husband and father all I can say is YANBU his attitude stinks, do not let him play the guilt card. Your new house, your new rules.

You should like an amazing woman, personally in your situation ii would have been far less cooperative!

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:16:23

Gosh, that was quick, thanks everyone. Divorce hasn't been mentioned thus far, as it's still a bit soon. Peekingduck, I have neither the strength or energy for that! I have done everything in my power to allow him to see his kids, to the point where I feel a bit of a mug. I have put myself last ... until now.

YANBU, I think you need to see a solicitor for advice.

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:18:30

Slow typist, thanks again everyone. Yes Meep, he is, as I don't have the financial means to do it. Not until August anyway, but even then I'll earn a fraction of what he does. He agreed to the move too.

hoboken Sun 16-Mar-14 08:21:21

What rights will you have if the new house is in his name? Hie thee to a solicitor, pronto.

olympicsrock Sun 16-Mar-14 08:21:46

You are being completely reasonable. I would see a solicitor about your financial affairs.

Sirzy Sun 16-Mar-14 08:23:08

I think you need to get legal avice about both the house and the custody side of things

Realistically the seeing them every night side probably won't be practical to carry on now so you need to find an arrangement which does work for the children. Perhaps one evening a week and every other weekend or whatever they are comfy with.

Good luck!

GoodnessIsThatTheTime Sun 16-Mar-14 08:25:15

Why is he paying the mortgage?

It didn't sound like a proper split of assets.

I worry that you will be tied him if this is the case as you are ultimately living inbhis house

You need legal advice and I mean get onto it Monday morning.
yanbu to stop facilitating access in your new home at all but him paying for this house is blurring so many lines for him. He believes it gives him the right to dictate the terms and that is absolutely not on. You need your space now to move on with your life without him in it. In the dc's yes but not in yours.

You need to sort out the legal aspect asap before you move into this house.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:08

yes you definitely need to see a solicitor. Are you selling the family home to release equity to him or to reduce the mortgage payments?

In some ways you may be better staying put and sorting out the long term financials.

Either way absolutely stop hosting his access as he has now clearly shown his true colours.

Sidge Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:45

You need legal advice ASAP. Do not continue with a house purchase until you have done so.

You don't have to get divorced yet but I don't see why you wouldn't if he is living with someone else and you have no intention of getting back together.

And no, I wouldn't let him have contact in the new house either.

MrsSquirrel Sun 16-Mar-14 08:27:37

YANBU at all, it's the right thing to do. I agree you need to get legal advice, pronto, before the house purchase completes.

His constant 'digs' sound like emotional abuse. The persistent sexual advances sound like sexual harassment. You are right to distance yourself from him.

Talk to your solicitor about starting the divorce processs. They will be able to advise you about the best way to ensure your security long term.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:27:41

Oh Op, don't discuss this with him any more, it will only cloud your thinking. Get yourself urgently to a solicitor and some proper advice.

IAmNotDarling Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:49

OP you are well and truly being stitched up by this man.
There needs to be a proper legal agreement on place.

Please see a solicitor on Monday.

MeepMeepVrooom Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:45

Yup definitely get legal advice. You need to find out where you stand. Was the last house in joint name?

meddie Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:46

As others have said. Get legal advice.
As for the digs about you being a sahp. By doing so you allowed his career to flourish by being one.

longjane Sun 16-Mar-14 08:35:53



go to lawyer Monday

Get the divorce started

Get you benefits sorts go to job centre

Tell him not to come to famliy house again
Call police if he does.

divegirl77 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:17

FFS see a solicitor asap!

MimiSunshine Sun 16-Mar-14 08:39:10

Agree with everyone else, get legal advice ASAP. Delay the house sale until you do.

Firstly he's starting to show his have, do not ignore this. So he had an affair and left when you found out (presumably). But until that moment he was happy with the status quo?!
Then he left but you both agreed to keep up most of the family dynamic for the sake if the children.

This suited him as it still gives him the best of both worlds wnd he was in control of that, trying it on with you clearly shows he believes he has control of the situation and deep down you'd love to have him back. By refusing his advances and access to your new house, you are proving to be less mailable than he realised and unfortunately he won't be able to have his cake and eat it.

Secondly if you move from the current family home which you have clearly supported for a number if years / decades as the SAHP into a new house which isn't actually the family home, in the sense that the complete family live there. Then I do worry he could claim he only allowed you to live there (as a favour) until you started your job in August. If you don't have anything in writing, he could just move in, it's his house after all.

Please don't hold on to blind faith that he'll do the right thing. He's already proven that isn't a concept he's familiar with by having an affair before ending the marriage. Get a free half hour in with a solicitor and please do not tell your ex that you are doing so until you have a been given advice and know exactly how to proceed.

Cranky01 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:39:12

Please get legal advice, the more he doesn't get his own way the nastier he will become! Go Monday and follow their advice

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:40:50

I have been where you are. Get legal advice, get the divorce ball rolling ( you have clear grounds), don't let him buy you a house, get a settlement and buy the house you want.
He is having the best of both worlds he gets to shag OW and then you look after his children he gets to turn up and have the best bits of them then leave. He will be angry when you pull this rug from under his feet, but until you do this you won't be able to make a new life for yourself.
You did not create this situation he did, but you now have to make the best of it.

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Mar-14 08:42:02

Yes please go to a solicitor. He will need to support his family if he leaves as you have given up any chance of a career to support raising your children. If his name - solely - is on the deeds, he will have the legal right to enter. I imagine it'll be treated like a marital situation rather than a lodger type situation, but this is way you need legal advice. I imagine the house you're selling you both own? You are in a bit of a precarious legal position and in danger of being stitched up. He's shown he won't respect your boundaries.

You need to put yourself first as its the only way to ensure your children have a stable place they can call home.

petalunicorn Sun 16-Mar-14 08:42:23

You are being totally reasonable - but don't let yourself be shafted. Your new home is your refuge, please don't let it be in his name at all - I can only echo everyone else, go to a lawyer and get a proper financial settlement. You're not going to be able to move on with him involved in your finances like this.

NonnoMum Sun 16-Mar-14 08:43:58

What everyone else says.
sorry that you are experiencing this but it was HIS choice to break up your family.
Get Gloria Gaynor on playing LOUD.

MsMischief Sun 16-Mar-14 08:44:42

You need to see a solicitor pronto and get a proper split of assets. You need to have your own house to live in, not his house where he will let you stay if you play nicely.
Linda only having a 1-bed flat is not your problem.

thegreylady Sun 16-Mar-14 08:46:17

1 Solicitor
2 Divorce
3 Financial settlement will give you half the assets
4 Then, and only then, consider moving to a place that is entirely yours.
In the mean time he has no right to come and go as he pleases in your home.

MrsCaptainReynolds Sun 16-Mar-14 08:52:56

You are being beyond reasonable -naive in fact. You need a proper financial settlement, not him buying you a house as some kind of favour and changing his mind about who owns it at the last minute.

To be honest, if you proceed in this legally naive way, him "buying" you a house and paying the mortgage without it being clear this is yours, I think you'll have to live with him coming to you for access. It makes little sense to have such firm boundaries in one area and wishy washy arrangements otherwise.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:37

Its not a clean break though is it re the new move given he will own the house. He could therefore enter it whenever he pleases.

You need to do it properly and sort out finances now rather than later. You cant currently afford the mortgage if not working and you will have to at some point in the future. Both of you need homes with space for the chidren not just you.

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:39

By the way, I think I stated things a little too definitively - it's what I think the legal perspective would be but I'm not a lawyer. Please do seek advice.

You are also being entirely reasonable to ask him to host visits elsewhere, especially if he's making advances (the creep). Yes, he will see the children less. That's what happens when you leave your family.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Sun 16-Mar-14 09:02:02


but I think you need urgent legal advice

Buying a new home in his name is a bad idea, it will leave you unprotected. Also you cannot rely on him to continue paying for a home for you long term unless that is something agreed to in the divorce (and I think even then it's pretty unusual). In a lot of cases once the equity and pensions etc are divided the only on going payment is for child maintenance, could you manage on that?

At the beginning of the split everyone is full of promises, that changes over time. He might agree now to pay a mortgage for you long term but if he is not legally obligated to he might change his mind, especially if he has more children or wants to buy somewhere with his new partner

Please see a solicitor asap even if you don't feel ready to divorce

hippo123 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:02:06

You are being very reasonable, but why is he buying your new house? Surely you sell your current house, and as you have the kids you'll get a good proportion of the money. Then you buy / rent somewhere else totally independently of him. What has he got to do with it? Why aren't you getting divorced? You really need to seek legal advice here, before you sell. And get a job, any job for the time being.

AnnieOats Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:45

I agree with what everyone else who's saying that you need to see a solicitor. In your position I would go for a divorce and get everything sorted out once and for all.

I can't imagine any judge would expect you to accommodate your ex in your own home once you've separated so I wouldn't worry too much about you being unreasonable.

His making sexual advances to you is totally out of order so I would mention it to your solicitor. Try not to let the digs about him paying for everything bother you too much as he's just saying it to get at you. I had the same when I divorced my cheating ex. He seemed to forget that I'd paid half the mortgage for 7 years until we had our first child and was quite happy for me to stay at home and do everything while he built up his business. The judge will take the fact that you've contributed just as much as your H by bringing up your children.

exhaustedmummymoo Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:53

Hi OP haven't much else to add other than get legal advice ASAP and don't move yet, I suspect, but not a lawyer so not sure, but your current house will be owned by both of you, even if he pays the mortgage, because you are his wife. No no no please don't move yet you will be financially beholden to him, and if he changes 'like the wind' you could be in a very vulnerable situation.
Oh and YANBU he sounds like he's now showing his true colours and they don't seem very nice.
Good luck OP.

ZeroSomeGameThingy Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:57



go to lawyer Monday

Get the divorce started^

^^ This and all the similar advice that follows.

The point of being married is that it should ensure you are not left in an impossible position when the relationship ends.

You must make an appointment to get legal advice immediately. START DIVORCE PRICEEDINGS.

You must not discuss this with your ex-H in advance.

goodmum123 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:05:28

Are you ok op, are you going to
Follow the excellent advice on here? (Hugs)

notapizzaeater Sun 16-Mar-14 09:12:24

He's treating you like he's still married but just going home to Linda. You need your own legal advice.

Finola1step Sun 16-Mar-14 09:15:32

You've had great advice on here OP.

If you go ahead with this house sale and new purchase, with out legal advice, he is going to shaft you my dear.

Sorry if this has been asked already. If you sell the family home and buy a new house during the period of separation, is the new house still considered the family home in future divorce proceedings?

I have a nasty feeling that he is setting you up for a very big fall.

Wrt to the sexual advances, this has to stop now. If not, do not let him into your house. Consider talking to your local police dv unit because unwanted sexual advances (especially if they are physical) are at least indecent assault.

Goldmandra Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:52

I agree with all the posters saying get some legal advice immediately.

You also need to think about contact from the children's point of view.

If I've read it right, your husband is basically stepping back into family life for contact and then going back to his girlfriend. This is going to be sending very confusing messages to the children.

If there is no chance of your marriage surviving this, you need to rebuild your family life around the new situation. The children need to get used to having their parents in two different homes and all that this entails.

Having him, in their eyes, step in and out of the relationship is confusing and not very kind. They may be constantly hoping that you'll get back together and feeling under pressure to do, or not do, things to make that happen. They need to know what their future holds and focus on getting used to the new family structure.

Your husband having his contact time elsewhere will be better for you but it will also be better for the children. Your 12 year old, particularly, needs this to happen soon so that the dust has settled and she is happy and relaxed in the new routine before she starts studying for her GCSEs.

Dieu, however amicable things start off there ALWAYS seems to be a point where things get unamicable.

If you are worried about the cost of a solicitor for the divorce then if you and XDH have any equity between you stop worrying right now - there is money to pay for it. Please do what everyone says and get to a solicitor.

I second other advice regarding solicitor asap. You need to divorce and have a financial settlement before moving house, that way the house will be in your name and you will know where you stand. They will also agree a maintenance amount from him. You do make a financial contribution by the way, by looking after your children which allows him to work. If he mentions you not contributing financially then send him a "bill" for childcare. He will soon realise how much you contribute

Marylou62 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:38:03

Peeking..(.said very nicely...not sarcastic) I am glad the OP has had good advice and that not everyone on AIBU says horrid/darn right nasty things. Good Luck OP, I feel for you.

Fairylea Sun 16-Mar-14 09:42:18

I have been divorced twice. Do NOT buy a house with his name on the deeds anywhere. You are essentially allowing him to move back in whenever he likes.

You need to agree a proper split of assets and a maintenance payment which may be used towards a mortgage on the new property, which you pay yourself from your own bank account. Your name and your name only needs to be on the deeds.

See a solicitor. Urgently.

If this means you cannot afford to buy a house then you may need to look into renting perhaps in order to secure a proper split - depending on your income and how much equity there is in the martial home. Or your dh may be ordered to continue to pay towards the mortgage on your current home until the children are 18.

You need to completely financially separate yourself from him. Be completely single with a payment from him towards the children either as a private agreement via direct debit or if he is flaky through the csa. Your solicitor may be able to agree an additional maintenance payment. Again you need advice.

Him having a 1 bed flat is not your problem. At all. He needs to make proper plans to see the dc without seeing them at your home. The only time ex and I see each other is literally on the platform of a train station for 2 minutes as we hand over, done this with dd for 11 years now.

BarbarianMum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:44:59

You need to divorce and have a financial settlement before moving house

^^ This definitely. What you describe sounds like him setting you up as a concubine- his house, his kids free access to you (and sex if he wants it). What a creep.

Please see a solicitor now.

Quinteszilla Sun 16-Mar-14 10:00:17

Dont do this! Get a solicitor!

My friend did, and her oldest son has turned 18, and her youngest son is turning 18 in a few years, so her ex has told her he will put the house on the market as his responsibility to her ends when the kids are 18, and they should move out and to uni accommodation etc. He has told her she has a few years to get a mortgage together, so dont worry... hmm She has paid all the maintenance and the repairs on the house, and it has increased in value significantly.

Loopytiles Sun 16-Mar-14 10:08:49

The access, although obviously really important, isn't the most pressing thing here, your future financial security and housing is. Tell him not to sell the house or buy the one you plan to move to, then get legal advice.

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 10:43:14

Wow, thanks to each and every one of you. Fabulous advice, you wonderful lot. I can see how effing clueless and naive I have been. Time to take action, methinks.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 16-Mar-14 10:58:04

Good girl get you storm coat on though, but a few months down the line you will feel better for drawing this line in sandthanks.

IrrelevantSquirrel Sun 16-Mar-14 11:08:07

Please get urgent legal advice, you are leaving yourself open to end up with no rights over your own home otherwise.

Fusedog Sun 16-Mar-14 11:17:37

Don't do it my friend started down this road of allowing her Ex to vist her In the family home

It resulted in him snooping on her going in draws ECt to find dirt On her , also him just turning up when ever on the pretence he wanted to see the kids also when she did eventually meet someone it's was then difficult to enforce boundires and he still wanted to pop over

Also she it basically ment she was stuck with him in her house for pretty much the whole weekend every weekened for 2 years which only made there relationship worse

Fairenuff Sun 16-Mar-14 11:29:45

Another vote for legal advice asap.

Do not let him know you are doing this. Keep quiet about everything for now until you know where you stand.

If he insists on access at your house still, tell him you will 'think about it' just to stall him for now.

And op I know exactly what you mean, I'm in exactly the same position myself at the moment, amicable divorce he's seeing a lot of the kids which is great, we do now have set days when I know he's coming and he has them at his from x to y times but initially when our baby daughter was tiny (we separated when she was 3mo she is now 13 months) and I was bf her he would pop in daily to see her unannounced, and just walk in the door like he still lived here. Now she's old enough to stay over at his it's easier, although he still walks in without knocking I am letting it slide as it's still our house. We are just working on financial settlement now and once this house is sold (I want to make a clean break) the house I buy will be in my name only so I won't be beholden to him in any way aside from any maintenance payments. I will be awarded the lions share of any assets and proceeds from the sale of the house as it's acknowledged that I am the primary carer of our children and getting a job to fit around school and paying for childcare for a toddler will be nigh on impossible.

MsMischief Sun 16-Mar-14 12:23:20

My friend's ex used to have passive aggressive shits in her en-suite even after he got his own 4 bed house hmm

rumbleinthrjungle Sun 16-Mar-14 13:34:24

My DF did this. angry Wanted all the fun and freedom of his new relationship and bachelor pad but wife and children still in his family home as normal so he could visit as he wanted and no divorce/keeping financial control. Effectively no nasty consequences for his choices and nothing had changed for him, he just had everything the way he wanted.

DM divorced him. He wasn't pleased to put it mildly, but that was entirely his problem. Your ex needs to wake up to the reality that his leaving means separating the assets, each of you starting your own separate lives with your own homes, and establishing somewhere the children can visit him is his problem. He doesn't get to expect he can pay for you (and therefore control you) to keep running his home and family without him so he can wander in and out as he pleases.

UncleT Sun 16-Mar-14 14:07:32

Get advice. Professional legal advice. You sound like you have been more than reasonable in the circumstances, whereas he has not. His threats are quite possibly not likely to end well for him, but you must get a solicitor. As already stated, HE left you for another, he has had time to make a plan.

UncleT Sun 16-Mar-14 14:09:09

Oh, and persistent sexual advances?? That wouldn't go down well in court. Document every single unreasonable bit of behaviour you can, including every time you're on the receiving end of such advances.

Babyroobs Sun 16-Mar-14 14:21:39

Surely the equity from the sale of the maritial home should have been split to enable you to set up on your own or rent somewhere. It seems odd that he is paying the mortgage on a new home. I would see a soliciter.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 16-Mar-14 14:32:43

YANBU in your current contact arrangements or in your plan for the future.

YWBU to make serious financial decisions without independent legal advice. I agree with everyone else that it's a priority.

Whathaveiforgottentoday Sun 16-Mar-14 14:38:34

Good advice given on here. Absolutely do not plan on letting him in your new house/ or if possible your current house. When you move you will need to start rebuilding your life and that means him staying out of it and giving you space. He left so it really is his problem.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 14:45:28

Op, we expect to see an update from you tomorrow telling us about your legal advice. (Looks sternly over glasses). thanks

bochead Sun 16-Mar-14 14:45:54

He wants to have an ongoing sexual relationship with BOTH you and the OW. How have you not sussed this out yet?

What you are quite rightly suggesting means that he loses CONTROL of his TOYS.

Do not move, do not pass go without legal advice. In his eyes you are not a person worthy of the slightest consideration, or respect and you exist ONLY to facilitate his whims, no matter at what cost to yourself.

As his wife right now you have RIGHTS that go beyond fulfilling his every fantasy. Ensure your property and pension rights to a relationship in which you have been an equal partner for 18 years are fully protected. After 18 years of supporting his career & raising his children, you deserve more than an old age suffered in penury.

He wanted the other woman and a full relationship with her - that's fine. you deserve a medal for putting your children's emotional well being first throughout all this.

Now it's time for him to OWN his actions. That includes obeying the laws of the land regarding treating you with the respect you deserve as a human being.

The kids need regular contact and for him to step up as their parent, by organising his contact time properly for them. That includes somewhere to take them. If she only has a one bedroom flat, then he needs to find somewhere larger or hire a couple of travel lodge rooms. He cannot continue to expect you to carry him forever in this respect as you aren't his Mum, just the children's.

His new woman needs to step up and begin to build a relationship with her partners children. You have a relationship with someone who has kids, you take on the kids in some capacity too. (Do not be suprised if this new relationship doesn't last btw as he doesn't appear to have thought through the ramifications of leaving you at all!)

You need the space, and privacy to heal your own wounds and perhaps in time to form a loving, caring passionate bond with a man that does love and respect you in the way you deserve to be loved. Your kids need to see you have that opportunity to grow and move on as a person beyond being the just ex-husband's satellite for their own long term emotional growth too. (I'm thinking now to when they look back and reflect in decades to come, not next week btw!)

I'm so sorry it's come to this, as you sound like a wonderful person, but it really is time to "go legal on his ass!".

Armadale Sun 16-Mar-14 14:46:54


I agree with all the advice about seeing a solicitor asap, it is very important.

I also think it would also be a good idea to post this in the legal boards this afternoon, there are some knowledgeable posters on there who can give you pointers to help get the most out of your time with your solicitor.

Just as one example- adultery is one of five facts that can be used to prove a marriage has broken down irretrievably in order to grant a divorce but ONLY if after learning of adultery, you have issued a divorce petition within 6 months. Once that time is up, you cannot use the adultery to divorce your spouse.

(Obviously, it is not really important what you divorce this man for, as long as you do so, and the most important thing is to safeguard your financial position, but you might help to get some clarity about what you want to happen legally)

DomesticDisgrace Sun 16-Mar-14 15:05:37

Aside from the financial end of things I was in your exact position. Ex had been living with me in my house so ended up moving back to his mothers when I threw him out so I hosted his visits to DD, like you almost every evening and weekend.
It was the worst thing for me, seeing him coming in all dressed up knowing he was off out for the evening with the new girlfriend etc. Making small talk etc. It's not the right way to move on!

I decided from the 1st January he wouldn't be able to come here anymore but instead take DD to his mothers house overnight Saturday night, he was raging too but I stood my ground though he tried his best to guilt trip me and I can honestly say it was the best decision ever.II'm finally moving on now and I'm past it all but I wouldn't be if I still had him coming here!

Viviennemary Sun 16-Mar-14 15:16:19

I can see why you don't want him in your new house. And you are the wronged person. The difficulty arises because you are financially dependent on him to pay the mortgage he will always have a say. It's difficult.

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:16:26

Proper legal advice.

And I'm assuming the persistent sexual advances aren't welcome? If not make that 100% clear.

Mothergothel99 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:23:27

Surely at the moment you will be entitled to 75% of the equity. If you move to a house in his name, I doubt you will have as as strong a claim.

Legal advise and divorce. He's trying to pull a fast one, he could move his new women into his new home.

Stop him coming round every night for your sake.

FairPhyllis Sun 16-Mar-14 15:28:51

Stop right there. He is trying to stitch you up.

Lawyer up. See several solicitors using free half hour of advice. Talk to solicitor about stopping the house sale. Stay in house. Get proper financial settlement. Divorce husband. Call police if he comes to house and kicks off.

Be prepared for all kinds of shit to be thrown at you by your ex when he realises you are not under his control anymore.

rollonthesummer Sun 16-Mar-14 15:40:53

Sell the house and get your share of what it's worth. Get your own flat with the mortgage/rent you can afford from this.

You can't live in a house where he pays the mortgage and bills forever-it's not workeable. Separate your security from him.

caruthers Sun 16-Mar-14 15:56:17

If you don't want him in your home then don't have him in your home...some good advice on here for you to mull over.

Thumbwitch Sun 16-Mar-14 16:12:17

Oh good, you're going to take some action - I really hope that involves proper legal advice. It needs to!

You'll find it hard to keep him out of the new property if he owns it, unless you become his tenant, which will give you certain privacy rights but it will be difficult while you remain married.

A big tip for you - expect the worst from him, in every situation. NEVER give him the benefit of the doubt, because it is a waste of your time and goodwill - he will screw you every which way that you let him. All the while he's getting what he wants, he's likely to play nicely - as soon as you start to cross him, a different side will come out, one you probably won't even recognise as being your STBExH (hopefully!) - because he no longer has to "fit" into your relationship, so he'll stop suppressing the aspects of his character that didn't fit well. So - as I said at the start of this paragraph - expect the worst from him at all times - chances are you won't be disappointed very often sad

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 16-Mar-14 17:02:57

Remember that the first 30 mins of an initial solicitor consultation is free so in theory you could visit several to get maximum free advice.

Also, once you see a solicitor for advice they then can't represent your estranged husband.So visit several in both of your local areas to limit the legal advice available to him.

If you feel threatened call the police on either 999 or the none emergency number. Change the locks if you need to & don't tell him that you are seeking legal advice.

Be vague about posting details on here in case your ex husband's OW or family members are on here. Dont mention names, locations or specific identifiable details.

NonnoMum Sun 16-Mar-14 18:51:26

Dieu thanks for coming back to the thread. This isn't going to be easy but by continuing to be strong here will be one less fool of a man who can't have his Linda-cake and eat it.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 16-Mar-14 19:02:51

You need to initiate divorce proceedings.

However you should be aware that a court may well place a Martin or Mesher order on any property.

They will take into account your earning potential and the fact you are the primary care giver and split the estate accordingly.

RedHelenB Sun 16-Mar-14 19:10:19

I think you will find that the 30 mins advice is very similar, but it does allow you the chance to see which solicitor suits you best. Also, visit your bank & find out how much of a mortgage you could take on - having control of finances will help you feel separated,. remember, your ex will also need to be adequately housed out of any settlement so the children can spend time with him

Quinteszilla Sun 16-Mar-14 20:54:28

Get your free half hour with as many as the top family lawyers in your area as you can, as then he cant use them, due to conflict of interest.... You can limit his choice a bit this way...

NonnoMum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:25:25

Hi OP. Just checking in. Hope you've managed to give everything a bit of thought...

foreverondiet Mon 17-Mar-14 19:35:43

He won't necessarily get 50% of equity - court will decide but as you have 3 kids to house you would probably get more. Have you sold the house yet? I agree with everyone else - he is trying to stitch you up. Straight to lawyer... No selling house until you know how equity will be decided. Best to stay in existing house until then but if harassment / emotional abuse you can stop him coming round to existing house.

deakymom Mon 17-Mar-14 22:13:49

so in august you will be working? get a house you can afford a mortgage on yourself without him im really not sure this house thing will work out in your favour?

btw he is being totally unreasonable he can take the kids out fgs he sounds like my ex would turn up at the house to see his daughter put my tv on and ask what's for tea angry

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