Three sisters and a mother

(40 Posts)
Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 09:56:50

Not quite four and a funeral. I don't know if I'm being silly but having spent the last couple of weeks randomly crying and thinking about it I thought I'd pose the question. It was triggered by my most recent sisters wedding where I had no involvement in the wedding. I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, say a reading, nothing...in fact I don't think my sister found time to speak to me the entire day. Given I had spent a considerable amount of money taking my family to her wedding in another country this hurt.

Casting my mind back I realised that both my other sisters also had weddings where I wasn't involved. All three were my bridesmaids when I married and all three of them have been each other's bridesmaids or have had a role in the wedding proceedings.

Combine that with the utter lack of interest my mother has in my life I feel really hurt, unwanted and like I'm the ugly ducking tagging along behind all the swans. I know I chose to live in a different country to the rest of my family but I have really tried to maintain links, taking my family back there regularly. I haven't got much money so trips there will be in place of taking my children away elsewhere not in addition. None of them bother to visit us here but yet frequently travel abroad on holidays. I've even found out retrospectively that they have had weekends in London but haven't wanted to see me or my family.

I don't know whether to confront them (suspect it will be denied and I'll be painted as being foolish for feeling this way) or to just gradually ease of contact with them as I don't think they want it.

Sorry for this being long and thanks for reading it. Am I bu to feel excluded

BlackeyedSusan Sat 15-Mar-14 09:59:49

yanbu to feel excluded and hurt. it is not nice to think they feel so little for you. would the bridesmaid thing be because you are not local?

MoreSkyThanWeNeed Sat 15-Mar-14 10:03:16

They sound horrible. No wonder you're upset.
If I were you, I would just stop making the effort. Not deliberately cutting them out, but stop being the one doing all the work. See if they notice and do anything.
Of course, they may not, so as sad as it is, I would prepare for that and just concentrate on my own life.

Just because they are family, it doesn't give them a free pass to treat you like shit.

Focus your energy on people who deserve it.

Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 10:06:17

No, one of her other bridesmaids, a friend, also lived abroad. I'm not focused on being a bridesmaid, she can have whomever she chooses, what hurts was that each time all my other family members have either had a role or turned one down but I have never been asked.....

RandomMess Sat 15-Mar-14 10:06:55

Just flowers because it is so hurtful to be excluded by your family.

Uptheanty Sat 15-Mar-14 10:12:39

I could've written your post op sad

Try to think about the positive people in your life.
Unfortunately for some people out of sight out of mind.

I hope you feel better soon x

dunsborough Sat 15-Mar-14 10:18:34

From one black sheep to another... wine

I know how much it hurts, but if your family is anything like mine, they will minimise and deny.
I recently saw pictures of my three siblings all at lunch together. How lovely.

The only way to get through is to EMBRACE being the black sheep. This is what I'm trying to do. It is hard.

olbasoil Sat 15-Mar-14 10:19:54

Time to concentrate on your own little family from now on. It will be hard and of course you will miss them, but let them do the contacting from now on. If they don't bother then they are just not worth it. I know how much this hurts.

Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 10:28:48

From one black sheep to another...

I know how much it hurts, but if your family is anything like mine, they will minimise and deny.
I recently saw pictures of my three siblings all at lunch together. How lovely.

The only way to get through is to EMBRACE being the black sheep. This is what I'm trying to do. It is hard.

I get that....the other week when I was speaking to my mother about something I was pleased I had done well and she dismissed me. For once I decided to speak up for myself and she turned it around.....acting hurt, telling me to 'not be like that' and she actually said 'you know I'm not interested' as if that was a reasonable justification for shutting me off.....guess I'm a fool to have gone back each time to be kicked again.....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 15-Mar-14 10:31:37

Just an observation but it seems that your sisters and 'D'M might close ranks against you because they regard you as threatening them and their parochial view of the world. Moving away and starting your family might have been seen as you rejecting them, (I'm sure it wasn't the case). Their reluctance to visit you in spite of you making the effort to go back and see them is a slap in the face. The weddings were perhaps the clearest indication yet of them excluding you but I bet that wasn't the first.

I don't mean to be unkind but what's the point of raising this? It will only make them smug and pointedly punish you by further distancing themselves.

dunsborough Sat 15-Mar-14 10:41:15

Oh Paddle... Hugs and thanks

I know it is hard. I work really hard on my friendships and relationship.
Sometimes (I'm a bit ashamed to admit this as it is ridiculously petty) I also post stuff on Facebook to irritate them. This is very easy as they are right-wing and I am extremely left-wing.

dunsborough Sat 15-Mar-14 10:42:55

To clarify: I post stuff that will irritate my siblings - not my friends.

I know this is crap.

Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 10:44:08

Probably no point in raising it. They won't admit anything and I will just feel even worse. The most sensible thing to do is gradually cut contact down.....but it hurts to feel rejected, no one wants to be pushed away, whether by family, friends, colleagues, and it makes me feel somewhat worthless, like I am less than them and perhaps not deserving of being loved, wanted, included.....most likely a silly attitude but knowing that doesn't take the feelings away

OneStepForwardTwoBack Sat 15-Mar-14 10:46:27

Aw just ignore it. I have two sisters and I feel they are closer to each other and my mum. They also do nothing but slate each other lol. I keep as much distance as possible, though I'm a bit closer with them since our Dad died. I am younger and had my kids later, and one of my kids has a disability too so we just seem to have less and less in common. It is a bit of a shame but on the other hand, if you are in with them more you can get pulled into all kinds of crap. Enjoy the life you have, stay in contact with them and keep a bit of emotional distance.

Preciousbane Sat 15-Mar-14 11:55:50

I'm the black sheep in my family as well, I'm the product of a short relationship. We have 4 Fathers between 6 of us, my Mother had lets just say an interesting life. I'm the only one that is mixed race so always felt different and obviously looked different. My Mother can be a bit racist as well, seriously you couldn't make this crap up. It is very hard feeling out of it, I do actually get on well with 2 of my sisters but my Mother has also treated me terribly as have the others.

I feel for you and their behaviour is terrible, I have built my own little family around me. Concentrate on your immediate loved ones. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 12:26:38

I have three beautiful dcs who rock my world, a new partner who loves and supports me, anyone with an ounce of cop on would surely be more than content with that. Do we ever reach a point in our lives when we don't want/need the love and relationships that have should be there from birth

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 15:24:17

Another "Black Sheep" here... I have come to the conclusion that they are going to slate me no matter what, so it's not worth getting upset about. Fuckem.

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 15:27:10

And yes, I believe you do reach a point where you don't give a crunchy crap about being included. I have friends that I see as more as siblings than my real siblings.

minouminou Sat 15-Mar-14 15:32:28

Another black sheep here.

I have three brilliant relatives, my sister and two of her daughters. There are a few others who are OK but that I'm not close to.
The rest can GTF.
I cut them out, and I'm much happier.

withextradinosaurs Sat 15-Mar-14 17:48:27

wine to all the black sheep!

I think we are always sad that the close family love and support that ohers seem to have isn't in our lives....but then, the downside of this is the mothers who "pop in" for hours at a time, the ones who try and raise your kids for you, the sisters who take your clothes....

Love your family of choice. That's what works for me.

YouTheCat Sat 15-Mar-14 17:54:58

Paddie, do you or your kids get anything out of visiting them? It sounds awful.

Take yourselves off for a nice proper holiday somewhere and sod the rest of them. Be polite. Send birthday/Christmas cards etc. But just don't engage with them.

Topazandpearl Sat 15-Mar-14 18:02:42

Hi Paddie, I'm guessing from your name and lingo (use of the term "cop on") that you are Irish and have moved to the UK? I think that some people in Ireland have a bit of the old inferiority/superiority complex about England in particular. If they feel that you have moved on, they can take it as an implicit criticism on their life at home. It doesn't excuse their hurtful behaviour in any way thanks.

getdownshep Sat 15-Mar-14 18:15:56

Dh has this situation with his family since we got married.
When his df was dying dh promised him he would visit his dm regularly but once she has gone, that's it, no more family contact.
His ds's have driven past our road on their way to family parties, he's not asked. When family members have died he hasn't been told till the funeral is over, making it look like he doesn't care.
He wasn't even consulted about his own df's funeral, they just ignored his wishes.
Nasty bunch, we are all happier not having anything to do with them.

dancingnancy Sat 15-Mar-14 18:44:44

I know how you feel a bit OP. It hurts. I know I choose to live away and I accept that that means we have to make more effort and realise that when you leave often you get overlooked. It just makes you realise that they don't feel you are worth it when they make no effort to visit or when you do visit them, they just carry on as usual as though you are a nuisance in their routine. My friends have made much more effort than many if my family tbh.

BikeRunSki Sat 15-Mar-14 18:48:37

I wasn't at all involved in my sister's wedding either, nor can I remember the last time I spoke to her. My mother also recently told me that she doesn't particularly like me and finds me stressful to be with.

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 20:09:36

The black Sheep Brigade! To the person who suggested cutting contact to see if they notice...they probably won't. My "sister" has just texted to ask why I have unfriended her on facefook- I did this 2 YEARS AGO!- and to ask if OH will help her move...erm, off you fuck, then!

Baaaaa

minouminou Sat 15-Mar-14 20:54:13

Wow.

There's no coming back from that, Buggar.

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 21:07:39

I found a pic the other day that said "I shook my family tree and a load of nuts fell out"! grin

RealHousewivesofNorwich Sun 16-Mar-14 06:14:47

Sorry to hear this OP. Not being asked to be bridesmaid by any of them seems really harsh, especially given the fact they were all bridesmaids at your own wedding.

Having said that,, my own sister lives in a foreign country and, sadly, as the years have progressed myself and my brother just aren't as close to her as we are with each other. It's simply due to the fact that we see her far less than each other and our parents. I am wondering if the fact you live abroad has caused you to drift away from your sisters in this regard?

If so, I'm afraid this is something you may have to accept. if you want a closer relationship with them, could you consider moving back to be nearer to them?

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 06:42:06

"And yes, I believe you do reach a point where you don't give a crunchy crap about being included. I have friends that I see as more as siblings than my real siblings."

I can't agree more with this. I also live abroad, but even when I was near I was excluded all the time, couldn't do anything right and had to put up with my mother's comparisons when she goes on and on on how They are better or I'm worse than my siblings.

Anyhow, I have put up with a lot of cr*p all my life so it became normal. My breaking point was a series of comments from my mother taking the side of my ex during my divorce; one sister sending photo after photo of her children but not even wanting to ask how DS is; and my younger sister, who can be violently agressive and cruel but turns around and starts acting, in less than a second, as if nothing had happen, all smiles and everything, so... As some point i stoped and thought, wait a minute, I am no longer used to be treated like this, everytime they behave like that/i see them I feel down for weeks (which I can't afford being a single mum), so I decided to stand by myself, which as usually hapens with rebellious doornats, they become even meaner... So I cut them off, no more weekly calls, no more trips to see them. Have they called me? Probably three times in a year, have I missed them? Not a iota, it has been quite a liberating experience.

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 06:49:20

Living abroad is not a excuse for lack of communication, I have a good number of friends I am in contact at least twice a week and only see once every year or so. They live away but they make the effort, that is the difference!

Paddie Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:16

Thank you everybody, it helps have some perspective and feel less isolated when I hear that mine is not the only family to behave in this way. I'm sorry that you all go through it to and thank you for your support.

SometimesLonely Sun 16-Mar-14 08:53:53

Regrettably, I'm in the same sort of boat as MeMySonandI. I've had nothing to do with my son for 5 years. It's better not to think about the situation than to dwell on it. As MeMySonandI, I feel more free for not having it on my mind all the time.

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 16:40:37

I'm sure my mum thinks the same as you sometimeslonely, she doesn't seem bothered (although for some reason she is very jealous of my friends) but it seems we have lost interest in each other, and for the time being it suits both of us fine.

I think that we all are programmed with the idea that family members should be the closer people to you you should ever have, but that is only possible if everyone cares enough for each other.

NMFP Sun 16-Mar-14 18:29:44

I've experienced this, too. If I'm not excluded, then sure as anything there'll be someone who's nose is out of joint about me being invited, or asked after, or thanked, or generally noticed.

I think it's too much to hope that it won't hurt. It does hurt, and if you bury those feelings they'll still be there to hurt you later.

But there are ways to ensure it hurts less because you start to recognise the patterns and anticipate things better, which gives you a chance to avoid the worst. In my case. I've started to recognise some of the drivers behind the behaviour and its nothing to do with me - it's other people feeling insecure and jealous about stuff which isn't even anything to do with me, and probably an inability to empathise which leads to some thoughtless decisions.

And I find it helps to note that someone is behaving badly and its not me.

BuggarMeGently Sun 16-Mar-14 19:31:15

Do any of you have a difinitive event or time that things began to change?

Paddie Sun 16-Mar-14 21:29:30

Add message | Report | Message poster BuggarMeGently Sun 16-Mar-14 19:31:15
Do any of you have a difinitive event or time that things began to change?

Not me....can't offer a time or event that marked the beginning of this as such. Noticed it when one of my sisters met her current partner that all he contact dried up....we went from her spending an hour or two on the telephone to not hearing from her, then she moved and didn't have a landline and I couldn't afford international mobile calls (she wasn't interested in Skype) and gradually I realised I never heard from her, didn't have her new address for ages despite asking and I have never been to see her new house and have given up asking......then she married her partner and though we had discussed me bringing my partner to her wedding when invites were sent out she carefully listed me and my dcs and not my partner....
Contact with other sisters has also died off during this time......sometimes I get an answer if I text/what's app them and sometimes I don't.....

BuggarMeGently Mon 17-Mar-14 08:52:51

And you always seem to be the one to send the first text.

Paddie Mon 17-Mar-14 18:02:00

Haven't today ��.....not that they've texted me though �� Happy St Patricks Day��

LondonForTheWeekend Mon 17-Mar-14 19:42:31

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona duit Paddie.

After the "not really interested" comment I think you could start a discussion with your mum or one of your sisters about your mum. Say "I'm very angry about it. I don't really think [mother] is bothered whether she speaks with me from one end of the year to another. I think she is a bad mother"

Say to your sisters "would you not be gutted if one of your children felt this about you? Do you not think the fact she isn't bothered a bit speaks volumes about her character?"

Get them to make the link, but be matter of fact about it, don't invite their opinion.
If they start the whole "Don't be like that" tell them that they are being vacuous and dismissive and why you won't pretend any more.

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