was I unreasonable to have these pics removed?

(100 Posts)
realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 07:07:52

A family member who we are no contact with placed two happy birthday notices in the local newspaper / online these adds had their pictures, full dob and full name on.

I have had the paper remove them, anyone can view them and it makes them very identifiable and it scares the hell Out of me when the view count said 20! 20 people looked at my children without my permission

I don't thini I over reacted, however wondered if anyone thinks this is ok to do?.

LouiseSmith Sat 15-Mar-14 07:10:29

I think it's a nice gesture by a family member.

What harm exactly can someone do by looking at a picture

Booboostoo Sat 15-Mar-14 07:13:48

Why would it scare you? Presumably loads of people see your children on a daily basis anyway!

Seems like a nice gesture to me, shame you feel so weird about it.

TurnOffTheTv Sat 15-Mar-14 07:16:21

People walking past them on the street don't have your permission either! Or sat on the next table in a cafe. Hundreds of people see your children I'm sure.

GertTheFlirt Sat 15-Mar-14 07:17:06

No contact? grandparents or father? Not that it makes a difference, but you do hear stories where the RP deliberately isolates children from ex-ILs, returning presents, cards and the like. In order that the grand/children know they are cared about and loved, gestures like this would be a way to show this in later years.

Would you be so angry if someone you were in contact with placed the add?

Greenmug Sat 15-Mar-14 07:17:34

I don't really understand. Are you concerned that people saw your children or that these are family members you have no contact with? Presumably people you don't know see your children regularly when you are out and about.

YouCanTakeAHorseToWater Sat 15-Mar-14 07:19:16

If you have no contact with them for very deliberate reasons, e.g. they are abusive, then it is totally inappropriate for them to be so publicly trying to contact your children. I would have asked for it to be removed too.

HellomynameisIcklePickle Sat 15-Mar-14 07:19:22

Seriously, they are gone now don't trouble yoursekf any further

Yabu IMO

Roshbegosh Sat 15-Mar-14 07:23:11

You are being ridiculous and a bit weird. Put them in burkhas then or dress them like Michael Jackson dressed his children. You won't own them forever.

Renniehorta Sat 15-Mar-14 07:23:25

I can understand that you might think that the relatives are stirring. However what harm is done by the 20 viewers looking at the photos? I assume that your dcs were appropriately dressed in the photos.

Dappydongle Sat 15-Mar-14 07:25:13

The op is non- contact with the person who placed the op, presumably for abusive reasons, hence why she is upset.

peggyundercrackers Sat 15-Mar-14 07:27:06

dont see any problem with the ad, sounds like a nice ad. as others have said lots of people see your kids every day without your permissions and its easy to get someones DOB and address you dont know. think you need to relax a bit.

Martorana Sat 15-Mar-14 07:36:43

Why does it scare you?

KoalaFace Sat 15-Mar-14 07:39:33

Why are you NC?

Morrigu Sat 15-Mar-14 07:40:52

I don't think you are BU for asking them to be removed. You obviously have no contact with them for a reason.

wowfudge Sat 15-Mar-14 07:45:56

YANBU - you are their parent and wouldn't do something like that yourself. Anyone who knows you should respect your wishes. I can understand it seems sinister to you. I don't know the history re the non-contact but acting like this (them, not you) is hardly going to help.

I'm glad the paper acted on your request. If you are NC it's as though a stranger has done this. Those OPs who think it is perfectly okay should think of it like that.

Depends why you're nc.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 15-Mar-14 07:48:52

I think we need more info about why nc.

GinSoakedMisery Sat 15-Mar-14 07:51:43

It's a bit strange if you have no contact with the person/people. What is the reason behind the no contact?

Donki Sat 15-Mar-14 07:55:39

If it was just the pics YWBU, but with names and dates of birth you are Definitely Not Being Unreasonable.

I believe that all the advice is not to identify children like this.

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 07:55:56

YANBU to be alarmed that the family members have placed a notice - if you've no contact this will feel like harassment and isn't respecting your decision. But as others have said, I wouldn't worry about people seeing the pictures of your kids. It was your decision to make though and that was disrespected.

Sirzy Sat 15-Mar-14 07:58:05

Sounds like they were trying to do something nice and you have overreaacted. Unless there is a much bigger back story YABU,

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 15-Mar-14 07:59:07

I kinda see both sides here. I mean a picture is harmless.

But it's the principle sometimes isn't it. I always get annoyed when I see my mil post something on face book about "happy birthday to my beautiful grandchild------" and hadn't bothered to come and see them in months and one of them
Has no idea who they are. It's for show, so people think they give a shit. Means nothing really.

If all is normal, there's no extenuating circs, then you are really over egging you're own importance luv.

If there are other circs then it's reasonable.

HolidayCriminal Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:33


ginmakesitallok Sat 15-Mar-14 08:24:57

What do you think is going to happen as a result of your children's pictures being in the paper????

Hundreds of people look at your children without your permission every day.


FunkyBoldRibena Sat 15-Mar-14 08:25:44

As we don't know the back story - nobody knows if you were being unreasonable or not.


BillyBanter Sat 15-Mar-14 08:30:58

It does seem to me a weird thing to do. Is it quite common in local papers for people to do this?

If you are NC because they are toxic then this is a sort of harassment though from their point of view its probably their way of showing the world how much they love them despite NC. Or to give the impression that everything is fine and hide the fact they have been excluded from your Children's lives.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 15-Mar-14 09:32:56

Nobody needs to know the circumstances of why she is nc with this person you're all just being bloody nosy. Fact is she has her reasons so no op yanbu.

PuppyMonkey Sat 15-Mar-14 09:36:08

Maybe the kids are on an undercover mission with MI5?

gamerchick Sat 15-Mar-14 09:39:57

I don't think I would have been comfortable with it either... For reasons I can't quite put my finger on.

They're gone now.. try not to stress about it.

formerbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 09:41:35

I can't believe anyone thinks this is OK. I think its outrageous and would be fuming.


Martorana Sat 15-Mar-14 09:42:25

"Nobody needs to know the circumstances of why she is nc with this person you're all just being bloody nosy. Fact is she has her reasons so no op yanbu."

But they might be unreasonable reasons.

Martorana Sat 15-Mar-14 09:43:03

why, formerbabe? What possible harm could it do?

Joules68 Sat 15-Mar-14 09:45:18

What does the other parent in all this think?

formerbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 09:47:35

Because it is strange behaviour to print photos of someone else's children in a newspaper.

Whether it can cause harm or not, is not the issue. It is a privacy issue.

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 09:50:11

But Martorana, that's a separate AIBU.

We know that there is no contact between OP and dc with these relatives. So we can only judge the AIBU on the fact that people who are essentially strangers to this child have done this, regardless of backstory.
Some still think it's a harmless gesture, some will see it as potentially harassing.

Agree with JumpingJackSprat.

formerbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 09:50:30

I'm not sure of the law but I wonder if it breaks the data protection act?

Figster Sat 15-Mar-14 09:54:00

Genuinely don't know if yabu as there's no context

CoffeeTea103 Sat 15-Mar-14 09:57:55

Ffs! Get over yourself. So what, I really don't get what the big deal people make about this issue. It's not like you have the royal baby or something.

WilsonFrickett Sat 15-Mar-14 10:04:27

Presumably you have no contact for a reason, so this is a provocative gesture at some level, in which case YANBU.

However the '20 people looked at my children's photos' is a bit bonkers. As pps have said, people see your children every day.

But as you are nc with whoever did this, yes, overall YANBU.

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 10:06:01


HanSolo Sat 15-Mar-14 10:06:09

It is not harmless- if they are no contact it will be for a reason.

They have done this to exert control.

Imagine if those children were adopted, and suddenly people find out their real names, and match them up?

Fifyfomum Sat 15-Mar-14 10:06:57

How did they get the photos if you are NC

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 10:07:52

^ dc posted.. And then hit send on my report of the post to MNHQ blush. Agree Wilson smile

HanSolo Sat 15-Mar-14 10:08:07

And yes- it may be damaging if those children decide to be intelligence agents in the future!

grin but quite serious really. We do not know what will happen 10 years hence, and technology moves so fast, this could put them in danger once facial recognition software is of a good standard.

ImASecretTwigletNibbler Sat 15-Mar-14 10:13:41

People's reactions here are odd! If the OP said "someone put a picture of my child on the internet, with full identification details" people would go crazy.... the local paper is no different. Yes, of course realistically, nothing is going to happen but you just don't stick identifying photos up in public these days!

OP, YADNBU! I do think it was probably just a kind gesture from someone who knows nothing about internet safety but I too would take them down. The pictures, not the person who did it smile

kelda Sat 15-Mar-14 10:15:42

YANBU. I would never do that without the parents' permission.

Electryone Sat 15-Mar-14 10:20:26

The op is non- contact with the person who placed the op, presumably for abusive reasons

Thats the problem with assumptions - they can be wrong, we have no idea what the no contact is about. Its odd for sure, but I really don't see what the outrage at your "20 people have viewed my children" comment - so what..what exactly are you worried about will happen to your children now? Hate to tell you but 100s of strangers will see them on a daily basis....

HanSolo Sat 15-Mar-14 10:29:46

Yes electryone, but not their full names, and DoBs.

The local paper will have a website, these pics will have been put on there (I'm assuming that's how OP knows).

For most families, this just isn't an issue, but why do people obtusely refuse to believe it can cause problems for others? What if the family is a forces family? Or a diplomats family? Or the children's dad works with psycopathic child molesters?

Or even, just simple identitfy theft! People are so naive about putting their personal information out there. The announcement showed their photo (i.e. appearance) full name and DoB- a gift for someone needing an alias for a freshly made passport or drivers licence. hmm

JumpingJackSprat Sat 15-Mar-14 10:32:52

Nobody needs to know the circumstances of why she is nc with this person you're all just being bloody nosy. Fact is she has her reasons so no op yanbu.

FrontForward Sat 15-Mar-14 10:34:48

I would not like this. In the same way that I don't post my picture or my date of birth on here. All of you who think it's ok...let's see your DOB and pics on here.

Obviously we're not aware of your reasons for NC and we don't need to be. If you're NC what the family member did was wrong.

Understand that you're infuriated by their overstepping the mark, and I fully appreciate that the personal information with the pictures was too much. But saying that you're alarmed that people are looking at your children? What happens when you go out in the street? People look at them then, surely?
I'm guessing your concern more is that people can identify your children as particular identities with the information on the photos?

shakinstevenslovechild Sat 15-Mar-14 10:39:56

I wouldn't worry about people seeing the photo but I would worry about the person you are nc with not having any sort of boundaries or respect for your wishes.

LessMissAbs Sat 15-Mar-14 10:43:27

Newspapers are full of these notices. The family member presumably did this as a nice gesture as they have not much contact with you. How hurtful for them for you to react in this way. Maybe you need a little bit of perspective.

SwimmingMom Sat 15-Mar-14 10:44:04

OP I am totally with you. I would be livid! Why disclose your children's names, what they look like & DOB to the world? I may be paranoid here but I think if there is a weirdo living near you they may use this information to approach your child, wish them a happy birthday & offer them sweets. Children may think its a known person as they know so much about the child. Absolutely unnecessary exposure of children!

I do ask friends who post my children's pictures to remove them - if they reveal any details of where we live or which school they attend.

There is no reason to believe that every individual who may get this information will have good intentions.
When people see children on the street they don't learn their names or any other info about them. Knowing a little bit about someone us not very useful to cause damage, but if you hand out a lot of it then it can be used wrongly.

There is a very good reason why schools do not divulge pupil personal information easily - name, DOB, address etc.

BertieBotts Sat 15-Mar-14 10:51:43

I think most people must have missed the no contact part.

For me if you're not trying to outrun anybody or stay hidden from somebody in particular, this is no big deal and is only linking up information which is in the public domain anyway.

But if you're trying to stay unfound for some reason or other, either because of online harassment or RL harassment then it's a big deal, but other than that no not really. It didn't even say where you are.

Front I have photos on my profile, quote my age often on threads, have probably mentioned my birthday at some point and if you so wanted you could probably stalk me through my old birth month thread and find DS' date of birth and probably his real name, it would be easy to get an idea of what this date of birth is as I regularly quote his age and less regularly mention the month he was born in. I find it unlikely that someone might take so much offence to my postings on mumsnet that they come and find me and do something to my DS confused In addition, we live in a city with 200,000 population, outside of the UK, and I've never mentioned which particular part.

The passport argument is ridiculous. You need a very specific photograph to apply for a passport, not to mention other identification like previous passport numbers. And it only works if you look vaguely like the person!

Roshbegosh Sat 15-Mar-14 10:59:09

The reasons for non contact are relevant if the OP wants to know what we think.

Read gerttheflirt's post back at the beginning of the thread. This might be the act of a loving father or grandfather that RP has estranged for spite, to punish them because someone didn't do what she wanted for instance. Or it might be a genuine risk, we don't know, of course the reasons are relevant.

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 11:00:37

Hi all,

thank you for all the responses. I deliberately left out reasons for the NC because I wanted to see if people thought it was ok in normal situation's.

The person who placed the add is my mother, I have been nc with her and my step dad for the last year due to years of emotional and physical abuse and a realisation that my mum infact was not on my side as she was stabbing my in my back whilst smiling to my face.

I know hundreds of people see my children that isn't the issue, the issue is the dob, pic & full name makes them vulnerable as it is so identifiable we don't live in a big city.

I also feel she is disrespecting us, we never make our pictures public on facebook or anywhere and am very careful about who and where I share data, she knows this and it feels like a power play.

I am glad most agree with me.

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 11:06:09

lessmissabs 'not much contact' isn't the same as No Contact. The latter is a firm decision not to engage with someone, rather than just being a bit lax about being in touch. If you have asked someone not to contact you again and they post pic

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 11:06:29

Argh DS! Pictures of your kid

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 11:09:05

I've cross posted with OP anyway - but I don't understand how people can't see that if you've asked someone to stop contacting you, then posting even a 'nice' notice is not respecting that.

Hope you're OK, OP

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 11:17:46

cloggal I am ok thank you, I am struggling with everything so sometimes I don't always know if I am being rational

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 11:27:01

Have a look at the 'stately homes' thread in relationships realitygone if you haven't already. For most of us, cutting off family is irrational - but in situations like yours it certainly is not, and there is a lot of excellent support there from people from dysfunctional families. thanks

GingerBlondecat Sat 15-Mar-14 11:31:25

Nope not irrational.


guerre Sat 15-Mar-14 11:33:20

I have namechanged to post this.

My mother (No Contact due to abusive childhood, we live in different countries) caused us no end of problems by publishing my child's name and DoB in the newspaper.
When my eldest was born my mother published their name, date and place of birth in a UK national newspaper because that was her right as a loving grandmother (she was informed of birth by other family member, not out of malice though).

Except that my husband's family have a unique name in UK (non-British), and his father was assassinated for political reasons in another country (when DH was a child). My MIL had changed surname on moving to UK, suddenly she began receiving letters from people that knew her in that time, addressed to her name at our address. This has caused her much sadness, and personal difficulty, as she hoped these issues were in the past. She had nothing to do with her husband's political dealings in any case.

My mother also then tried to open a UK bank account in my eldest's name, partially because of the preferential interest rate (this was quite some time ago!) but mainly because she wanted a UK bank account, but did not want to fork out for it as Non-UK citizens have to. The money was not for my child, and never would be.

IslaValargeone Sat 15-Mar-14 11:40:35

Do people really need to write "ffs get over yourself" in answer to a post where where at the time we are unsure of what potentially awful circumstances the op might be dealing with.

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 11:46:03

guerre I am sorry to hear you have also struggled as a result of a toxic mother.

Guerre that's awful, hope things are a bit better now.

Reality YANBU. as for the comments claiming people see your children every day, well, yes, but they don't have their full names, DOB and location (local paper) tattooed onto their heads do they?
A glimpse in the street is completely different to a printed piece in the family notices.

I honestly think some people on here are so quick to be the first to be a git deem the op unreasonable they fail to even acknowledge the potential bigger picture.

eddielizzard Sat 15-Mar-14 12:08:37

i would be very upset.

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 12:25:53

thanks guerre

cloggal Sat 15-Mar-14 12:27:58

And isla I couldn't agree more! but I think hope most simply didn't catch that bit of the OP.

MorrisZapp Sat 15-Mar-14 12:36:35

You've asked if you were unreasonable having the pics removed. Of course that's not unreasonable, regardless of your reasons.

However, I don't think your children have been made vulnerable by the pics. Presumably you are more sensitive to this kind of thing due to private issues, but in reality I don't think children are compromised by being identified in public.

Fifyfomum Sat 15-Mar-14 13:32:53

What do you expect anyone to do with the full name and DOB?

This is what is really confusing me, why is there an issue with the full name being printed? How is it a security issue?

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 14:20:47

I deem it to be a security issue because if someone walked upto my 4year old and knew her name and that it was her birthday recently she would happily talk to them, especially if she was told they know me.

HolidayCriminal Sat 15-Mar-14 14:46:27

I find that paranoid thinking, RG.
You're not alone in thinking that way nowadays, of course. sad

Sirzy Sat 15-Mar-14 14:56:16

I assume your daughter never wears a birthday badge out of the house then? Or takes sweets to school for her birthday or has a party in public places? all of those things would allow someone to know it was her birthday and the last 2 find out the name pretty easily.

I can understand why your angry in the circumstances but really there is no information that needs to be secret (without other security concerns obviously)

Martorana Sat 15-Mar-14 16:21:49

Presumably then you make sure nobody ever addressed your child by name in public? Or calls to her in the park? And I do wonder the circumstances where a 4 year old is alone to be wished a happy birthday by strangers........

TheKnightsThatSayNee Sat 15-Mar-14 16:28:53

Children rarely go off with/are abused by strangers it's people they know or think they know. People who know a child's name and age and what they look like can use that to encourage a child into a situation they would not otherwise agree to be in.
I know this is paranoid but way take the risk for a pic in the paper which seems a bit like a excuse to seem like the hard done by loving grandparent.

NurseyWursey Sat 15-Mar-14 16:35:21

I deem it to be a security issue because if someone walked upto my 4year old and knew her name and that it was her birthday recently she would happily talk to them, especially if she was told they know me

Do you think one of those 20 people would actively seek out your daughter and use this information confused

I can sort of understand why you wouldn't want their photos there without your permission, but you're being precious and way over the top.

Perhaps your mum did this because she knows you have a crap relationship but wanted to do something for her grandchildren.

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 18:47:25

She doesn't care about her grandchildren nursey

Did she really expect that I would show my children?

It was a unacceptable power play and she had no permission to put the pics up.

Anyway, thank you for all your responses I know I have done the right thing

YABU. There is being cautious and there is obsessive.

copafeel Sat 15-Mar-14 20:10:13

I feel desperately sorry for the grandma who is probably heartbroken at not being allowed contact with her grandchildren, cruel

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 20:14:46

Really copa?

I am cruel am I?

I was beaten viciously from the age of 5 by my step dad that my mum had an affair with

I was isolated, bullied and controlled from a very youngage.

The grandma that you feel so desperately sorry for sat and told a police officer I was lying when I called them after having my ribs broken when I tried to escape.

How about before you call me the cruel one you read the thread and the bit where I explain why there is nc.

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 20:16:36

I am protecting my children from a vile human being who has no right to stake a claim over my babies. No right to say she misses them and no god dam right to say she cares for them.

If she cared for them she wouldn't hurt their mother.

birdmomma Sat 15-Mar-14 20:19:11

It must be lovely to come from normal homes with non-abusive parents, but try to have a little empathy for people who make the huge decision to go no-contact with their parents. It is not done out of spite, or to be 'cruel', it is the result of years of abuse and damage, and often done to protect the grandchildren from the same things that you have put up with for so long.

Fifyfomum Sat 15-Mar-14 21:08:17

I am also confused as to how you get a picture 'removed' from a newspaper?

Surely once you've seen them, they are in print?

BertieBotts Sat 15-Mar-14 21:13:16

I think she wanted it removed from the website Fify.

OP I think you are doing a brave and brilliant thing by protecting them from their grandmother.

ChickyEgg Sat 15-Mar-14 21:15:47

I think they thought it a nice gesture, although slightly odd if they don't have normal contact with you BUT when my ID was stolen, the police advised me that all they needed was our date of birth and if I used social media to remove personal details such as that off. So in that view getting the ads removed was perhaps a good idea?

realitygone Sat 15-Mar-14 21:19:35

fify I don't think there is anyone stupid enough to think they can have a printed advert taken from a newspaper once it had been printed and distributed

You are being pedantic for the sake of it.

bertie thank you. It is a tough and a horrible thing to go through. I left nc details out originally as I didn't want to have to go into mega details unfortunately some posters feel they need blood.

Indeed I have had them removed from the internet page.

Fifyfomum Sat 15-Mar-14 21:19:44

ah okay, I understand now. I think that given the circumstances, the gesture sent a very clear message to the grandmother that I think was important for the OP.

So, in light of that, YANBU

Booboostoo Sun 16-Mar-14 07:38:17

reality I think you are entirely justified in stopping all contact with your mother and in being annoyed that she acted in a controling manner towards your children. However, your worries about your children being in danger as a result of being identifiable are just silly. We live in a small village where everyone knows who our kids are and since most of their kids are invited to DD's birthday parties they also know her birthday - it doesn't freak me out. As it happens we are also foreigners in a very rural, traditional area, so often people can identify me by my accent even in the local town as "the foreigner who bought that property in that village" - still doesn't make me worry about my child.

If someone was targeting my DD it would be very easy to find out her name, address, dob and loads of other information, but I think the chances of a paedophile targeting my DD are miniscule.

MeepMeepVrooom Sun 16-Mar-14 08:25:26

OP I don't ever think it's acceptable to post pictures of someone else's children online without the parents permission.

I'm surprised so many think it's Ok TBH.

jemimapta Sun 16-Mar-14 15:14:56

I'd be furious! yanbu, I'd be upset if relatives I was in touch with and on good terms had my childrens image printed with their names and dob, let alone ones I had no contact with, what were they thinking?

cloggal Sun 16-Mar-14 15:19:16

It must be lovely to come from normal homes with non-abusive parents, but try to have a little empathy for people who make the huge decision to go no-contact with their parents. It is not done out of spite, or to be 'cruel', it is the result of years of abuse and damage, and often done to protect the grandchildren from the same things that you have put up with for so long.

This. Copa, I really hope that was at least a genuine mistake and you hadn't read the full thread.

BreconBeBuggered Sun 16-Mar-14 15:38:03

OP I don't ever think it's acceptable to post pictures of someone else's children online without the parents permission.

I'm surprised so many think it's Ok TBH.

What MeepMeep said.

ItsAFuckingVase Sun 16-Mar-14 17:51:02

Tbh regardless of the reasons for NC, I don't think anybody has the right to have a photo of somebody else's child published in the newspaper without permission of the parent(s) and most normal people wouldn't do it!!

realitygone Tue 18-Mar-14 21:13:44

Thank you everyone for your support.

The pictures were removed from the internet and a letter is heading their way to hopefully put a stop to it all.

cloggal Tue 18-Mar-14 22:09:13

reality be prepared that they may feel they have succeeded in getting your attention when they receive your letter - often this is the sole aim of abusive people. They could take this as an invitation (as it is contact, even if you have been very firm in your letter).
I don't want to alarm you needlessly, particularly when you've clearly felt under threat, but if there is a response of any kind and you don't wish to resume contact I'd advise remaining solidly NC, and possibly seeking legal advice. Take care and I hope you and your dc are doing well thanks

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