to be annoyed that dp wants a takeaway?

(115 Posts)
nw0401 Fri 14-Mar-14 17:47:25

so im in the middle of cooking tea (honey glazed gammon) and dp has just woke up, come in the kitchen and said he wants a takeaway. I told him ive got gammon on and he said I can have that, him and ds1 will have a takeaway - so I threw a strop! AIBU to be utterly pissed off with him?!

DoJo Fri 14-Mar-14 17:54:52

Does he like gammon? Because I would rather eat an old sponge, but if he likes it then it is really rude to dismiss the effort you are making by getting a takeaway, especially if he is serious about including your son!

wtf1981 Fri 14-Mar-14 17:55:05

No- he's BU!!!

LittleTulip Fri 14-Mar-14 17:56:06

Yea I would be pissed off too. Tell him to sit down shut up and eat what you've cooked

tigermoll Fri 14-Mar-14 17:57:00

I think it's a bit rude of him - is he offering to pay out of his own money?

tigermoll Fri 14-Mar-14 17:57:22

I think it's a bit rude of him - is he offering to pay out of his own money?

Fairypants Fri 14-Mar-14 17:58:46

I would throw a mega strop. If you have already started cooking its too late for any other suggestion.

I would be cross. Why can't he buy takeaway for everyone tomorrow instead?

CoffeeTea103 Fri 14-Mar-14 17:59:08

It depends if he likes/eats gammon. If you've made it knowing he doesn't then yabu. If he's just changed his mind then he is bu.

Thudercatsrule Fri 14-Mar-14 17:59:36

Yes it's annoying, but surely he's allowed to choose what he wants? Can't you have the gammon tomorrow?

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 17:59:40

joint bank account - all money is shared. and yes he does like it - more so with honey. id rather have summat else but tend to cook what he likes. ungrateful bastard angry

HannerHet Fri 14-Mar-14 18:02:14

YANBU, tell him to grow up and you can have a takeaway tomorrow. Fair enough if you hadn't started cooking but you have gone to the effort of cooking a meal already, I would be annoyed

susiedaisy Fri 14-Mar-14 18:02:31

Why is he asleep this time of the day? Yanbu

HandsOffMyGazBaz Fri 14-Mar-14 18:03:52

My 2puddings are you op?

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:04:02

also we tend to have takeaways Saturday nights - which we are trying to cut out to save money but will be out tomorrow and he knows we're eating out then

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:04:45

hands off yes sorry, confusing name change

HannerHet Fri 14-Mar-14 18:05:08

It doesn't make any difference if he is paying for it or not - still rude. And has OP namechanged?

YouTheCat Fri 14-Mar-14 18:07:02

I'm cooking a roast dinner, as it's my day off work.

If dp, knowing this was what was for tea, then said 'oh I'll just get some chips/takeaway', I'd be very very pissed off, especially if you're trying to save.

LegoCaltrops Fri 14-Mar-14 18:09:50

Let him have his takeaway, and have the gammon tomorrow. Tell him he'd better enjoy it as you're never making it again though, the ungrateful twit.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:10:44

susiedaisy - he gets up early for work but can never sleep at night so has a 'nap' when he comes home from work hmm

invicta Fri 14-Mar-14 18:11:27

You are not bring unreasonable. He is being rude and appreciate the effort you are making.

YouTheCat Fri 14-Mar-14 18:12:13

Lego, they are going out tomorrow for a meal.

Id use it for sarnies but then im not one to ever refuse a takeaway.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:13:25

gammon is now out but looks like it will be going in the fridge. no reasoning with him - he said im in a foul mood! well duh!

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:19:01

mynameis - me and ds1 will end up having it on buttys over the wkend. im not normally one to turn down a takeaway either but seeing as though we'll be eating out tomorrow and we're trying to save money... (not to mention the fact that I had nearly finished cooking it)

still pissed off though and will sulk in the other room with ds2 - dp thinks hes done nothing wrong.

Casmama Fri 14-Mar-14 18:20:33

No wonder he can't sleep at night if he has a nap after work!
Sounds like you are living with a man-child.

BellaOfTheBalls Fri 14-Mar-14 18:21:11

YANBU, my DH does this to me too and it drives me INSANE. I do all the cooking and cook from scratch 6-7 nights . I'll say "it's x for dinner" and sometime around 4-5pm when it's already made or the meat for it is defrosted and there is not time to organise an alternative he'll announce he doesn't fancy that. So the options are see what we have that cooks from frozen (usually nothing), allow him to sort himself out (he will cook enough to feed four people, eating barely half and then the rest is wasted) or get takeaway (expensive). He doesn't realise how frustrating it is because he doesn't organise meal plan, food shopping, cooking.

I have no real advice, but a huge amount of sympathy!

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:27:00

casmama ive tried telling him that but to be fair at wkends he doesnt 'nap' and still cant sleep at night

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:29:15

thanks Bella - at least im not alone!

MoominMammasHandbag Fri 14-Mar-14 18:34:02

Well the day DP rejected my lovely home cooking in favour of a takeaway would be the last day I ever cooked for him.

Massively disrespectful of your time and effort. What is he teaching your son? He sounds like a spoilt child.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:34:33

thought I might have been being unreasonable having a strop - hence the post. how do men always manage to make things seem like the womens fault?! according to dp I was being sulky and making excuses - he never does anything wrong hmm

So who normally cooks? Does he ever cook? Given that you say gammon is his preferred meal and you are less keen on it, it is even more bad-mannered of him to decide he's going to reject it and buy a takeaway.

What's he like otherwise - does he have form for treating you as an inadequate servant?

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:44:14

now im debating whether to carry this on, go back in the kitchen and dish out his tea (knowing he'll still end up getting a takeaway - or just put it in the fridge to keep him happy, keep quiet and let him have his takeaway

ConferencePear Fri 14-Mar-14 18:45:30

I think he should be doing the cooking from now on. That way he will be sure it's something he fancies.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 18:49:56

im a SAHM so yes - I do all cooking, cleaning, shopping. dp likes his food but has an unhealthy obsession with takeaways. pisses me off a bit to be honest because im not a great cook but this past year or so ive been trying to make things from scratch and cooking 'proper' meals - which he tends to screw his face up at if it doesnt include meat, which in turn makes me think why do I even bother trying?!

peggyundercrackers Fri 14-Mar-14 18:52:18

i think yabu - its only food, so what if he doesnt want to eat what youve cooked...

SaucyJack Fri 14-Mar-14 19:03:04

Depends. Did you tell him that's what you were cooking first? TBH I don't think either of you are in the wrong. You're not his skivvy granted- but you're not his mum either.

I'd be a bit pee'd off too if my DP dictated what I was having for dinner when I wanted to sort meself out.

hunreeeal Fri 14-Mar-14 19:11:16


PumpkinPie2013 Fri 14-Mar-14 19:22:22

YANBU - he's being rude and ungrateful!

Especially since you are trying to save money - takeaways are expensive!

Glasshammer Fri 14-Mar-14 19:27:00

I really wouldn't cook for him again if he had a takeaway, chucking all my effort out of the window

pinkroses5 Fri 14-Mar-14 19:35:50

I would be pissed off BUT to be fair I have had days when only a bit of stodge would do! smile

Ohbyethen Fri 14-Mar-14 19:40:02

Not all men do My2puddings just twats. Which is what he sounds like.
Pathetic, he doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for your family budget, respecting your effort and to top it off is involving one of your children?! Can't even put himself to bed properly and manage his own health.
I feel contempt for him, God knows how you can look at him without thinking the same. Poor you.
I would be telling him to get a fucking grip personally he won't die eating a home cooked meal instead of junk and I wouldn't want to waste money on him for a nice meal out either.

BuggarMeGently Fri 14-Mar-14 19:42:17


my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 19:46:17

well he got what he wanted (as always) and his takeaway will be here soon. just to point out I never say to him - this is your tea, like it or lump it. I always give him a choice when doing shopping/meal planning. and if one night he says he fancies a takeout then thats fine with me cos it saves me cooking and cleaning up after! hes just major pissed me off tonight telling me whilst I were in the middle of cooking, throwing a strop and then saying im the one in the wrong! so I f*ck tea off, sit in the other room to chill out, then he still comes in having a whinge that he wants his takeaway and wants ME to order it for him!

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 19:49:05

which obviously I have ordered it for him to shut him up and im still in the other room, pissed off/upset, whilst he plays ps4 with ds1 happy as olt that his takeaway will be here soon

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 19:50:02

sometimes I wish I was single...........

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 14-Mar-14 19:50:21

See, I think this is part of a deeper issue. I had an XH used to do this, and in reality it all boiled to a power struggle. He wanted to call the shots on this ( and most other things).

NachoAddict Fri 14-Mar-14 19:51:54

I would be pissed off if I was half way through cooking. If he wanted a take away he should have let you know before you started cooking. If he was too busy napping that's his problem.

what a waste!!

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 19:55:35

parsley I think you might be right. thing is I always end up feeling like im the one being a twat - like its a gammon for f*ck sake, how've I managed to get so wound up, like I didnt just stick it in the fridge and say "ok lets have a takeout"

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 14-Mar-14 19:57:21

IME it was the same whatever I cooked. We argued about it. A lot. And then we got divorced, but not just over that, obs. He was a controlling arse generally.

Ohbyethen Fri 14-Mar-14 20:00:13

So does he perceive the budget as not really his concern? It's ok for you and the dc to do without a takeaway every week due to the expense but he doesn't include himself in that? He earns the money so he can spend it and everyone else makes up the shortfall?
He really does sound like a spoilt brat, do you really feel any of this is your fault? Honestly it's not ok to think you are being unreasonable if your only 'crime' wasn't hopping to it to fulfill his lordship's fancy.

RedHelenB Fri 14-Mar-14 20:03:04

I would have made him order it himself if he wanted it!

Why on earth does he need you to order it for him? Can he not use the telephone? He sounds rude and weird, sorry!

Oldraver Fri 14-Mar-14 20:09:16

Why the fuck did you order it for him ? Is he not capable of picking up the phone ? Stop sulking and say no

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:12:16

I told him if he wants a takeout then to go and order a takeout - but he still kept going onnnn and onnnn - so I ordered just to shut him up. he does have a bit of a temper and does like to call the shots (in my opinion) but then he says im the one that calls the shots hmm dont really see how but if he thinks that then fine. we have 2 young boys and it isnt really fair for them to get caught up in a petty argument over some gammon! although I am still sat in the other room cos I really cant be arsed with him now tonight!

also he thinks we have an unlimited supply of money - then when I tell him we have x amount money in the bank he'll be like shock why've we only got that much left!

Chippednailvarnish Fri 14-Mar-14 20:16:07

To use my favourite MN quote; If you think your DP is probably a wanker, it's because he is.

MyPrettyToes Fri 14-Mar-14 20:16:12

The reason he keeps being a twat and treating you like a skivvy is that because you allow him to. You actually ordered his take away "to shut him up". Seriously?

pussycatdoll Fri 14-Mar-14 20:20:53

Can't believe you ordered it for him
You're a mug & now you can't moan he didn't eat your dinner
Sorry op but honestly !

Bloodyteenagers Fri 14-Mar-14 20:21:32

This has to be a wind up surely?
No one can pander to someone this much..
You cook for him, he decides he doesn't want it, he wants a takeaway.. Then you order it for him?
No wonder you are treated like a servant because you are acting like one.
Big deal he works.
This doesn't excuse him from being a pathetic excuse of a lazy arse.
He can cook. He can clean. He can wash up.
You are not his mum.
I am really amazed that people live like this.

rookiemater Fri 14-Mar-14 20:22:29

See this is how a similar situation went in our house.

DH rings up at 5pm "Have you got dinner planned?"
Me: "Yes roast chicken in the oven - why?"
Him " Oh I fancied a takeaway, never mind roast chicken sounds nice, see you later."

That's how a normal adult would handle that situation, particularly if you're on a tight budget.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:23:34

you havent heard him shout! honestly I know I shouldnt have but I dont see how I have much choice when im trying to get a 9 month old to sleep and hes stood at the door stressing his bollocks off that im being 'petty' and 'awkward' and 'not ordering through spite' - he can get REALLY wound up (but for some reason its generally only me that pushes his buttons) and I hate to see that side of him so I give in before it gets too far.

ThinkLikeASpoooooon Fri 14-Mar-14 20:24:46


MyPrettyToes Fri 14-Mar-14 20:26:56

my2puddings, this isn't about just the dinner/takeaway. Why are you with this man?This isn't a way to live. You and dc deserve better than an abusive swine like him. He is horrible.

crashbangboom Fri 14-Mar-14 20:31:30


Bloodyteenagers Fri 14-Mar-14 20:32:51

He shouts at you?
Fuck that.
You deserve respect.
Tell him to get the fuck out of the house. Once he has respect for you. Has had anger management. You might take him back.

This is no way to live your life. Backing down and bowing down to some cunts wants because he shouts.

Things will only get worse. You have the power to change this.

If you cannot do it for you. Do it for your children. You are at the moment raising another generation of this manchild.

Botanicbaby Fri 14-Mar-14 20:34:26

he sounds really controlling OP. like you say its not just about the bloody gammon.

first thing - stop cooking what he likes if he's going to change his mind about it just when you're ready to serve it up. second thing - please don't order his takeaway for him when he's refused a perfectly good meal that you've taken the trouble to make AND you're trying to save money.

third thing - don't let him twist it round and make it out to be your fault and that you're the one in a strop.

easier said than done I know but you need to turn the tables here, you are pandering to his whims and he's getting away with it. No wonder you wish you were single!

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:41:01

gawd I feel emotional tonight! sad ive no friends locally so never speak about anything to anyone. who would have thought posting on mumsnet about gammon would have got me talking/thinking about the 'bigger picture'

so hes got a bit of a temper but only on the odd occasion when I somehow manage to really wind him up. all other times hes great. he loves the boys to bits. the thought of leaving has crossed my mind before, but only when weve had an argument and then the next day everything seems great and I would never even dream of leaving. weve been together since I were 16 so I dont really know anything besides him. weve got our own house together which we fully refurbished (hes in construction industry) and everything is just how I want it - besides his temper and the way he thinks sometimes

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:47:34

my mum brought me up on her own. I think its important for boys to have their dad around. I always wanted that 'family life' - mum, dad, kids, nice house etc etc. I have that now and would hate to lose it - ending up single raising 2 kids, not heading nowhere and in a run down house on benefits. If we didnt have kids and the house then im pretty sure we'd no longer be together. but then we do have kids, and I do love the 'nice' side of him, and I couodnt imagine life without him

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:54:10

dam! all this brought up because he didnt want some bloody gammon. think I best go hide away in a corner now before I get slaughtered for not putting my foot down! I really have tried but anyone whos been in this position will know how hard it is - its not as easy as 'oh hes a little controlling and can sometimes get aggressive so im going to pack my bags and leave' - theres always millions of reasons stopping you and im not sure I could ever bring myself to split up the family. I always think I could end up MUCH worse than being with someone who occasionally has a bad temper

Oh shit, i just knew this was coming. I'm sorry love but your partner is abusive. And he's just going to get worse.
Tonight's row wasn't really about food, it was all part of his ongoing strategy to keep you unsettled, unhappy and desperate to placate your 'owner'. He sees himself as the head of the household and you as something along the lines of a domestic animal which needs putting in its place regularly.
I would seriously suggest you have a chat with Women's Aid and/or go on the thread on here about living in abusive relationships. You will get lots of help and support. But no one should have to live with an abuser - it's vad for your sons as well as for you.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 14-Mar-14 20:56:30

Why would you end up on benefits? It is possible to have children and work?
Why would it be that if you told him that's it, the boys wouldn't have a dad? Of course they would, if he is a decent human and gave a shit about anyone other than himself.
It is daft to stay together simply for the sake of children. They are not stupid and they know.

You have 3 option ---
Stay and be a doormat for all the males in the house. Because sadly, chances are the boys will also start to treat you like shit, with full support of their dad.

Grow a pair of balls and say no more. You are not being treated like shit and this is how it is going to be. He does things around the house. He also cooks and washes up. When you cook, he either eats it or starves. His choice. As a family, you will meal plan.

Or you kick him out.

Bunbaker Fri 14-Mar-14 20:57:11

"I think it's a bit rude of him - is he offering to pay out of his own money?"

That comment would be irrelevant in our house because we pool al of our money. We don't have his money and her money.

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 20:59:05

and botanicbaby - from now on teas will be what me and the kids like, he can do as he pleases.

I know I need to put my foot down, I hate it when something tiny turns into a full scale row.

thanks Your partner is abusive. I'm really sorry. You need to think about your options. Your DSs need a great Dad but do they need a man around who shouts at their mother until she does what she is told?

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 21:20:15

I understand what you're all saying, I really do. we genuinely are happy most of the time, although I admit life pretty much revolves around the kids. surely this should be worked at rather than run away from? to look at us you'd think we're a brilliant family together, he knows he gets wound up sometimes (always seems to be over something minor), he always apologises in the end, but for some reason its only me that winds him up that way. maybe its an anger problem or maybe I do genuinely piss him off by being an awkward cow at times. I dont know. I just know I am happy majority of the time and cant imagine him not being here. I was pissed that he didnt want tea, but I could have just said ok, it will do for butts, we'll have takeout, was there really any need for me to strop about it which turn wound him up? maybe im just blind to it. who knows. I just know id like to try and make things work so we can genuinely be that happy little family behind closed doors

Botanicbaby Fri 14-Mar-14 21:23:06

OP - good on you, its a waste of time cooking what he likes (been there, done that as well and it always had to be expensive meat-based dishes never easy, quick veggie meals which I quite like).

I know exactly that feeling of helplessness and wanting to keep the status quo, seems easier and less disruptive than splitting up in the long run. But its not. I think SGB has good advice to read the thread about people living in abusive relationships, you shouldn't have to put up with this life. You and your DC deserve a lot better thanks

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 21:28:57

thank you all for your comments, you really have made me see things more clearly. its been a while since I let it all out. I am quite fed up of doing things to keep him quiet and it really is time I stopped being a whimp and put my foot down. although I wont be leaving him any time soon I will certainly read the abusive relationships thread and hopefully theres a way we can get past this smile

I think it's telling that you are wondering why you stropped, what you could have done differently, how you can make things better. You already cooked food he likes, because he likes it and he turned his nose up at it and shouted at you to order him a take away. Most people on this thread are saying that their OH wouldn't get past the first part of that.

Reasonable OH: you're cooking, I'll eat what I'm given.
Still reasonable but getting less so OH: I don't like veg based cooking, could we have more meat, please?
Unreasonable OH: I've slept through you cooking me a meat based dinner. Now I want take away.
Really fucking nasty OH: Order me take away or I will whinge and shout at you like a petulant 3 yo.

It doesn't matter how nice he is sometimes, that is shitty. HE needs to change his behaviour.

Ohbyethen Fri 14-Mar-14 22:25:18

So how do you propose to fix things by yourself? You're on script for sure.
It takes both parties to work, talk and compromise to make a happy family behind closed doors. What you will see on the threads you are about to read is the slow realisation from women slogging their guts out to work both sides of the equation that he has to want to change and usually that doesn't happen because you're there because that's how he likes things. Because your happiness, dignity and self worth actually mean fuck all as long as you shut up and do as you're told.

If it was just you, well fear and material gain is your choice. But you have dc to think about. I'm sorry to be rude but as the child of an abusive parent you're a fool if you think they will thank you for the years of misery and that as they get older and become separate little people they will escape his temper - he's a good dad rings really hollow, and is not true because nobody ever said 'my dad was amazing even though he treated my mum like shit and if I didn't expect my needs to be met, or do anything he didn't like'.
It's your choice, but do keep on thinking & if you accept less than you deserve for yourself don't for your children.

imnotmymum Fri 14-Mar-14 22:28:45

Oh my the same thing happened today. I had tea prepared kids sorted and when DH gets home "let's have go..." NO seriously will have tomorrow...he is mardy and gone to bed !

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 22:34:38

ohbyethen - thanks smile you really have summed things up for me. ive been sat here in the dark thinking for the past hour. I know we cant carry on this way. he might be quite happy to but im certainly not. its just hard to believe how much he changes sometimes. im having a good read on the other threads and I guess my first step would be to sit down and talk with him, make him aware of how he treats me sometimes and see what his response is.

thankyou mumsnet for helping me see a bit of sense smile

my2puddings Fri 14-Mar-14 22:35:46

imnotmymum - wish mine would just be mardy and go to bed!

Good luck puddings. See you on the Relationships board if you need some help with it.

imnotmymum Fri 14-Mar-14 22:53:04

And the bonus of a nice chilled glass of wine (bottle) to myself. Men eh! Do not realise what thought we put in to dinner etc to have a lovely Friday night then "all about me"

We will all be here, ongoing support. I know you want to try talking to him and fair enough... but this is what will happen.

a) He will buy you a bunch of petrol station flowers and say he's sorry. And continue to strop whenever he feels like it. It's never about the actual thing he's complaining about - whatever you do, he will find something to criticize, because the point is that you are inferior and need to know your place.

b) He will tell you that it's all your fault for being 'unreasonable' enough to expect him to treat you like a person rather than a Hoover with tits on.

c) He will immediately turn it into a row, and then he will hit you. Because you have 'gone too far' by trying to stand up for yourself.

GhettoPrincess001 Sat 15-Mar-14 02:01:55

my2puddings -

Which is going to hurt the most ? The first black eye he gives you or subsequent ones ?

How many times is he going to humiliate you so the abuse doesn't show in front of the children ?

I can't believe how choked I have got reading this (croc of shit ?)

He arbitrarily declines to eat a meal that you are cooking. He wants a takeaway. He makes you order it. What whining juvenile cunt have you allowed to father your children, I mean really ? Just WTAF is that about ?

Peace at any price ? He's got you over a barrel then hasn't he ?

You are enabling his behaviour and you are minimising it. It's what abused partners do. It's heartbreaking reading your defence of his actions.

Theodorous Sat 15-Mar-14 05:55:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theodorous Sat 15-Mar-14 05:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 07:38:22

confused? confused

HannerHet Sat 15-Mar-14 07:42:11

Threads like this make me glad I'm single! I was in a similar situation with my ex, he's got his own place now. I work and have two children, and am better off without him in many ways!
Are you going to speak to him about his behaviour op?

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 07:46:51

im planning on doing. although we'll be out today and my sister will be with us. im pretty sure dp doesnt even realise anythings up.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sat 15-Mar-14 08:30:51

My heart breaks for you OP. You're defending his behaviour by saying you 'wind him up'. What, by saying he can't have a takeaway?

How old are you & your partner, if you don't mind me asking, he sounds very immature. I'd be interested to know what the relationship between his parents is like. He may have learnt this behaviour from them. And sadly if you let this continue your boys will also learn that this is how you treat women.

Good luck. X

Binkybix Sat 15-Mar-14 08:32:37

Just read this. I hate to say it but I think solidgold has it right.

I feel for you, and looking at what you've written from an outsider's perspective his behaviour is just awful. It's struck a chord with me because I've also got a 9 month old, and can't imagine doing all this with a partner who makes life harder, not easier. Shouting whilst trying to get the baby to sleep?!

You say you're worried about DS growing up without a dad, but I think that would be better than a dad who teaches them to treat their partner in this way. I can understand being frightened of the future if you've been with this man since you were 16, but there's so much more out there.

Best of luck x

invicta Sat 15-Mar-14 09:04:10

I accidentally burnt some food recently. When my husband complained, I found the 'Butterfly's theme tune (apologies to those who are to young to remember his series), and played it loudly. I think hubby went without food that night!

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 10:02:23

im 23, hes 25. so we are still both young, weve been together 7 years, my friends went off to various unis, I had to grow up fast for my kids sake. I think to myself things will get better as we get older and he'll chill out more. his work has stressed him out more this past year or so, he says he'd love to stay at home with the kids doing cooking cleaning etc so ive been thinking about finding a job. only thing is my wage wouldnt be as good as his so we'd have less money and id miss the kids like mad - Im with them 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

If you find a job, you will still be doing all the housework and childcare. There will be some mysterious important reason why he can't do it. And you might not be able to keep your job for long, especially if it involves you mixing with other people who, you know, treat you like a person and boost your self-esteem. This man will sabotage your job in a variety of ways - he will cause - or invent - a crisis at home so you need to leave work suddenly; he may phone you repeatedly, or be rude to your colleagues and accuse you of having sex with them.
He's effectively isolated you to a good extent already. The core of it is he is an abusive man who dislikes women.

caruthers Sat 15-Mar-14 12:26:16

This man will sabotage your job in a variety of ways - he will cause - or invent - a crisis at home so you need to leave work suddenly; he may phone you repeatedly, or be rude to your colleagues and accuse you of having sex with them.

How in gods name do you deduce that confused

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 15-Mar-14 14:17:18

It's a common script, Caruthers unfortunately. I'm with Solid in that it may well turn out this way, unfortunately.

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 15:41:55

he honestly isnt as bad as it seems. he works hard, and he might not do cooking/cleaning but he does a LOT of work on the house (this last year hes changed the front garden into a driveway, dug all our back garden up and got it looking lovely, and added a big extension) so considering how lazy some men are I think im lucky in that sense. he does have a bit of a temper but not to the extreme some men do. I think ive just somehow managed to let us settle into a bad routine without even realising - where if he wants something I do it/get it usually without question so hes got used to it - but now ive let it get too far, hes used to getting what he wants, if he doesnt he strops. so yes I am partly to blame for letting it get this far (still doesnt excuse his behaiviour I know) and im hoping to try and break this bad habit smile actually having a very good day today. earlier he swept and mopped ALL the floors, tidied ds1 bedroom up, then hoovered ALL the carpets, he also asked me to get something for him, I said I was busy, he got it himself. not quite sure what's gotten into him but im certainly not complaining, at least it's a start.....

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 16:02:26

im shock ..... im sat here (doing nothing) - hes going round with a cloth and antibacterial spray (and ds1 in tow) cleaning every skirting board, every door/door frame, every window. who is this man?! not sure what to think, is this guilt about last night?!

MusicalEndorphins Sat 15-Mar-14 16:04:09

I am very sorry for you OP. You are allowing this behavior in not saying you refuse to be treated this way.
But if you insist he stays, force him to attend some marriage counseling. It actually can help, that is why people go....if you really want to stay with him, at least turn him into someone with respect and manners who doesn't bully you.

CannyBagOfTudor Sat 15-Mar-14 16:08:14

I'm going to go against the grain re: the gammon and say if you just started cooking dinner while I was asleep without checking if I wanted it first I wouldn't be that happy about it.

I also wouldn't want to eat straight after waking up.

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 16:21:00

canny - I always start cooking tea when hes asleep, he generally wakes up starving and eats everything in the cupboards/fridge if tea isnt ready!

last night has made me realise though that im not happy with the way things are and im not prepared to carry on being his skivvy. I think maybe he has realised today as well (I hope). hes done so much cleaning its unreal - and he genuinely seems really happy about doing it!

CannyBagOfTudor Sat 15-Mar-14 16:26:26

If that's the way it is in your house then fair enough.

I just know in our house we have a quick discussion first about what we want to eat before either of us starts cooking (we do meal plan, but the days each thing are eaten on aren't set in stone).

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 16:53:39

canny - im hoping things are going to change for the better so I think it would also be a good thing for us to discuss tea before I start cooking smile

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 17:10:55

seriously, canny? Why on earth wouldn't you be bloody delighted to awake refreshed from your nap with nothing to do only eat one of your favourite meals which is being handed to you.

That's royal service in most homes and I fail to see how on earth anyone wouldn't be happy about it, much less roaring and stropping over takeaways.

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 17:40:38

thanks sinistersal - but I do think it will be better for all of us if we discuss tea before I make it, will certainly make my life easier anyway than having to second guess everyone!

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 17:44:00

If he won't whinge at you for waking him while he's asleep.

CannyBagOfTudor Sat 15-Mar-14 17:49:29

I'm can't comment on the roaring and stropping, since I didn't say that was reasonable.

What I did say was that I prefer to have some choice about what and when I eat.

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 17:52:37

Then make it yourself Canny, and don't ruin the family budget while doing so! Otherwise it's acting a bit spoilt.

CannyBagOfTudor Sat 15-Mar-14 17:53:57

Why on earth are you having a go at me, sinistersal? You do realise I'm not the OP's husband, don't you? confused

SinisterSal Sat 15-Mar-14 18:00:43

I'm not at all.

didn't mean it to come across that way - just opposite viewpoints I guess. I'd be grateful if my spouse let me nap and then handed my favourite dinner to me on a plate - so would my DH, luckily enough grin

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 18:04:17

its fine, he comes home from work, we have a brew and a chat so a quick conversation about tea shouldnt be too hard. I meal plan when shopping for the week but it generally doesnt make much difference what day things are cooked (unless something needs eating up!) so I guess it is a fair comment that some people like to be consulted first rather than just handed a meal (although im sure plenty would be grateful for anything they get)

my2puddings Sat 15-Mar-14 18:06:59

and a lot of time OH does get a choice, just sometimes I dont think he needs consulting if im cooking something I know he likes

imnotmymum Sun 16-Mar-14 19:41:07

Wow how threads change...never thought my DH was abusive because whined at wanting chinese ...

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