found pictures of me on hubby's PC - don't know what to do.

(429 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 19:55:34

Tonight I went onto hubby's pc. He works from home as a photographer. He had lots of pictures up. I closed down some of his folders, but as I was closing one down, I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

So there were pictures of vaginas. I was a bit wtf? Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.

I don't remember ever posing like that or for pictures of my vagina.

Actually I have once, but that was a close up of a boil on my vagina that I wanted to take to my doctor's appointment (it was a recurring boil that was always gone by the time of the appt so dr had asked me to take a pic next time).

It was taken by DH on my phone and he handed it immediately back to me and I deleted it off my phone after the appointment which was that day.

So i have no idea where all these pictures come from. I'm quite a private person, and I'd never pose for pictures unless like I said above to take a picture to my doctor.

I'm confused and digusted right now. My DD could have come across this, or my hubby's colleague who often comes to the house, or my very prudish parents.

I did confront DH who says he has no idea where the pictures came from, he doesn't remember me posing either apart from that dr appt one. He did a search and couldn't find the folder I closed. I wish I hadn't closed it but I wasn't paying much attention til the last second.

He did keep asking me to go and fetch his phone, cos he was running late for an appt with a client but now its going through my head, did he want me gone so he could hide the evidence?

I have come across porn videos before and porn sites in his internet history which he keeps saying is a virus/pop ups etc. I have never really believed him but I kind of let it go I admit.

This is different though. These are pictures of me that he appears to have taken. To perhaps look at in his own time? But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD.

I just feel dirty and disrespected. I don't know what to do. I've been with him for 16 years now, married for 9, he's my best friend and I know he's never been with anyone else - I do know where he is all the time (he works from home, my parents live in the same street, we have mutual friends).

I don't know what to do, please help!

NC for this

LondonNinja Wed 12-Mar-14 19:58:31

Photos can be streamed to your other computer devices via wifi. It shares the lot!

However, the extra shots you don't recognise sound rather dubious... We're these dodgy?

LondonNinja Wed 12-Mar-14 19:58:53


YouTheCat Wed 12-Mar-14 19:58:59

He's denying all knowledge of something that only he could have taken pictures of?

Sounds very very odd.

fedupandexhausted Wed 12-Mar-14 20:00:51

But how would he take pictures of u legs akimbo without your knowledge? Could he have photoshopped someone's else's vagina into your bottom half?

GinnelsandWhippets Wed 12-Mar-14 20:01:09

Oh how horrible. No advice I'm afraid as I have no idea what I'd do in this situation. My first thought was that he'd photoshopped them e.g. Taken a normal pic of you and combined it with a porn image. Weird thing to do though.

I guess you need to talk to him about it again. He can't just say 'it wasn't me' when they were on his computer.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:01:57

there was only one picture of me that I could see, the rest were vaginas. I'm not sure if it is my vagina...
The pic of me was a thumbnail, I didn't open it to see properly. but it was me, on our couch, wearing a jumper I recognise as being mine with my lower half spread and naked.
So just one picture that's definitely me or photoshopped...(which he is able to do)
He does deny all knowledge. But he hasn't said 'sorry' or even 'oh my god wtf?' just 'I don't know', 'I don't know'.
My feelings towards him have changed now, I feel like I don't know him.
I'm so upset sad

As he's a photographer I'm sure he has the ability and software to photoshop pictures to show anything he wants...

That could easily explain why you have no memory of posing - because it never happened. He just built these pictures of you.

LettertoHermioneGranger Wed 12-Mar-14 20:02:19

This is very, very alarming.

The best case scenario is you were both too drunk to remember this photoshoot.

The worst, I think, is the possibility your husband may have drugged you or otherwise knowingly impaired your judgement enough for this.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:02:35

I keep searching the computer and I can't find it. I think he's deleted it or hidden it.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:03:30

Letter - I don't drink, never have. and the pose of the picture looked like a happy consenting picture not under the influence of anything, but I don't remember it!

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 20:04:38

Isn't it in the history of the computer?

Very odd if he's denying he's taken them, do you believe him?

I use the internet for work and some things I look up for clients are pretty dodgy but I've never had even one porn pop up.

Do you know anyone knowledgeable who can look at the computer for you? See what they can find?

DrCoconut Wed 12-Mar-14 20:07:33

The old pop up/ad/don't know where it came from is an old chestnut and a load of bollocks. Sorry but having seen where this sort of thing leads it needs to be had out and stopped now. It's a potential deal breaker. If you're both OK with any sex stuff fine but going behind your back, lying etc is a huge huge red flag for me.

defineme Wed 12-Mar-14 20:07:39

He photoshopped you- it's really obvious - it's highly unlikely he drugged you or something-you'd remember the aftermath.

So he has a secret porn habit and part of that is fantasizing about you in a pornographic way.

How you feel about that is for you to decide.

I think the fact he created secret images of you without your consent and is now denying it would break my trust.

Wantsunshine Wed 12-Mar-14 20:07:51

Were you asleep maybe when he took the photos?

OpalQuartz Wed 12-Mar-14 20:08:00

If he has photoshopped the pictures, then I suppose it is good that he is looking at pictures of you, rather than someone else. It is fairly normal for men to look at pictures of vaginas I would think. It isn't anything peverse he is looking at. I can understand what a shock it must have been for you though to see yourself like that.

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 20:15:02

I would be very uncomfortable with a DP even photoshopping pictures of me to look at Opal, it's not a compliment at all.

It's the consent/control thing, you'd have to ask why would anyone want to sidestep that, and what kind of person that'd make them.

What else is he doing if the thinks that's OK?

LettertoHermioneGranger Wed 12-Mar-14 20:16:25

I realize that came off rather alarmist. Photoshop is certainly a possibility, I seem to jump to the worst conclusions.

His dodgy behavior is certainly suspicious as is the factyou can't find the photos now.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:16:29

whether or not I posed for them, I think the bigger issues for me are that he had them on his computer for anyone to come across and that he's looking at me in a pornographic way without my knowledge. It tells me he sees me like a porn star, it doesn't say respect to me sad

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:17:48

I don't know what to do/say when he comes back from his appointment with his client.

Plateofcrumbs Wed 12-Mar-14 20:22:02

Looking at porn and feeling a bit sheepish about it is pretty normal behaviour. Photoshopping pictures of your wife semi-naked is no-doubt less common, but still not exactly out-there in sexual fantasy terms.

Quite what you want to do with this knowledge (and I'd say very likely that is what this is about) is down to you. What was your attitude to the links to porn sites you found before?

Can you search through your "normal" photos to see if you can find the original of the sofa picture (assuming it was photoshopped)? If you find the identical top-half picture that would confirm how he got (made) it.

NatashaBee Wed 12-Mar-14 20:26:00

Do you think they could be stills from a webcam or something that he set up without you knowing?

Or if you don't remember ever being in those poses/positions then it sounds like he's photoshopped you. How odd. I can see why it's completely freaked you out.

TeaAndALemonTart Wed 12-Mar-14 20:27:06

How would he have a photo of you in your clothes half naked and you not know anything about it?

That's unbelievably awful of him.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:29:45

plate, the porn videos/sites were all things he had asked me to do. Some I didn't mind doing, in the privacy of our own house, with no pictures obviously! Some I did refuse to do. So the fact I recognised the scenarios iykwim told me it was no virus/pop up.
He doesn't feel he gets enough sex or BJs. So I think he is resorting to this.
I should be angry about the porn but although I'm not comfortable with it, I don't feel angry. I'm confused that I don't feel angry. Maybe its more him wanting me to be like a porn star that's upsetting me.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:30:57

I still can't find the pictures, or even an original picture that could have been photoshopped. I'm quite computer savvy but I can't find it anywhere sad

trufflehunterthebadger Wed 12-Mar-14 20:31:47

I'm obviously alone in thinking that i would rather that DH had some photos of me than random women off the internet. TBH I think that, in the grand scheme of internet porn, having some pictures of your own wife isn't exactly heinous.

If they're photoshopped then that's a bit different but I still can't understand why he's not allowed to think about you in a "pornographic" way without your knowledge. That just seems a bit weird to me

WipsGlitter Wed 12-Mar-14 20:33:08

Presumably he deleted the folder then emptied the trash. I think you can do a restore to get them back.

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 20:34:00

Look in the recycle bin. Are they in there? Is it empty?

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:36:43

truffle, its hard to explain - I guess its the possible photoshopping of me to make me look like a porn star, and having pictures of me I don't recognise or know about.
I don't like the idea of him looking at images of me, getting off to them, whilst I'm asleep next door or watching telly downstairs, or DD is in the next room. Its just not nice.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 20:37:05

Of course he photoshopped you, there is no other explanation. So he is lying to your face sad

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:37:41

recycle bin is empty

Quinteszilla Wed 12-Mar-14 20:37:52

I dont believe he could not find the folder. He would just go to "recently opened" and get a list of all folders and files recently opened. He is hiding something.

Quinteszilla Wed 12-Mar-14 20:38:48

There is software out there that will restore deleted files.

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 20:40:07

truffle I would rather DH had no pornographic images on his computer, esp if they could be accessed by DC.

And whilst he is free to think as he pleases, thinking is a world away from photoshopping dodgy pictures then denying it cos he thinks you're stupid

trufflehunterthebadger Wed 12-Mar-14 20:40:32

I don't want to sound as if I'm playing devil's advocate or on his side but maybe if you haven't really been wanting sex much recently this is a way for him to get his "jollies" in a way he felt wasn't cheating ? IYSWIM ? Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping immediately to "he has no respect for you, the dirty scumbag"

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 20:41:02

I would be so angry with him for two reasons. Firstly for creating those images in the first place and secondly for lying about it. I would be beyond angry at him for lying and the more he lied, the angrier I would be.

I think it's just the complete lack of respect that makes this so awful. I would tell him to leave until he can act like a grown up and be honest with me.

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 20:41:14

ok, so he's deleted them and emptied the recycle bin.

Otherwise there would be something in there.

Sorry, but he's a liar.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 20:42:37

Yes, why is the recycle bin empty?

Plateofcrumbs Wed 12-Mar-14 20:43:00

he's looking at me in a pornographic way without my knowledge. It tells me he sees me like a porn star, it doesn't say respect to me

Having sexual fantasies about you doesn't mean he sees you as a porn star. Having those kind of thoughts and fantasies is nothing strange.

I think you're entitled to be angry that he has created and stored an image of you without your consent, and that he has been careless about his use of a computer which could have been accessed by other family members.

But I think if you want to actually understand more about his behaviour you need to approach it in a non-confrontational and understanding way.

cfc Wed 12-Mar-14 20:44:01

I think the one you saw of yourself smiling is one his snapped without you knowing when you asked him to take the photo of your fanny-boil. You were probably getting ready for the proper photo and smiling because of nerves/embarrassment or whatever. It's so easy just to take photo after photo with phones etc.

The other vag photos, I don't know. What type of photography does he do?!


Sorry OP.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 20:44:43

Yeah OP, you need to be understanding. Don't hurt his feelings or upset him hmm

MatryoshkaDoll Wed 12-Mar-14 20:46:48

Wait, I'm a bit confused.

You do pornographic stuff with him but you don't want that stuff photographed or filmed? So are you saying you think he's been secretly filming and photographing you while you've been doing this stuff? Or has he photoshopped you into scenarios that you know didn't really happen?

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 20:47:20

You deserve it for not giving him enough bjs hmm

I'd class that as an abuse of your trust, so not just harmless fantasy etc. For all you know that image is on the internet. Sorry.

And he deleted it/is being shady about it which suggests you've not got the full picture at all and he's hiding something. Sorry OP. How disgusting.

MatryoshkaDoll Wed 12-Mar-14 20:47:54

Also, the sofa pic was taken at the same time as the boil pic?

peggyundercrackers Wed 12-Mar-14 20:48:06

I kind of agree with ruffle, it sounds like he is using images of you rather than other images to get off on. I know you see it as porn but no doubt he has seen you in these positions, naked/legs akimbo, over the years during your normal sex life so it would just be normal for him to see you like that instead of viewing you as some sort of porn star.

Botanicbaby Wed 12-Mar-14 20:48:22

I think the fact that you have found porn videos/websites in his internet search history and that he's played the "virus" "pop-ups" card shows that he has been lying to you OP.

Taking photos of you and photoshopping them is very disrespectful. The fact that your sex life hasn't been great lately is no excuse for him to behave in this way.

You need to find out the truth but when faced with a proven liar who has hidden the evidence, its going to be an almighty struggle. I would be firm and stand my ground as much as you can to get to the bottom of this.

MatryoshkaDoll Wed 12-Mar-14 20:49:12

In fact, whatever the answers to my questions, it sounds really dodgy and a disrespectful abuse of your privacy.

Wuxiapian Wed 12-Mar-14 20:51:08

The whole set up is extremely disconcerting.

Whatever the whys and wherefores, something is very wrong. With him.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:51:10

cfc - that photo was taken on my phone and handed straight back to me so I would have seen if he'd taken other photos. He normally does weddings!

Matryoshkadoll - I've never seen him holding his phone etc during sex so i don't believe he has secretly photo'd/videod me.

I really have no idea how he has these photos.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 20:53:44

He has been looking at porn.

He has been acting out porn with you, some of which you are happy to go along with, some you don't.

He complains that he doesn't get enough blow jobs.

He manipulates images to photoshop your face onto someone else's body.

He leaves this open on the computer for anyone to see.

When asked about it he lies.

He deletes the evidence.

There is no respect for you at all here OP. And there are probably lots more images that he has deleted too. Try checking memory sticks if he has any, he would probably want to save the images somewhere.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 20:55:53

Was all of the photo you?

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 20:57:03

thanks fairenuff, you've summarised it well. I don't know for sure if he's photoshopped me but that's the only conclusion I can come to as I certainly didn't consent.

I've checked the one memory stick I can find on his desk. nothing on it. Dammit I wish I hadn't closed the folder. I know what the folder was called it's called 'technical' hmm but I can't find it.

I do and I don't want him to hurry home. i don't want to upset DD but I need to have words with him too.

God if my parents knew, they'd be in jail by now....

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 20:57:04

Do what fairenuff said.

Get a program to recover the 'recycle bin'.

Stop saying I have no idea how he has these images of me (because he photoshopped them)

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 21:02:42

He could have set a video up without you knowing. So don't assume they are photoshopped and certainly don't put that suggestion into his head.

What you do when he gets home is refuse to do anything other than discuss this until he starts telling you the actual truth. And tell him if he doesn't start talking, you are going to call the police to investigate as it looks like he has photographed you without your consent and who knows what else is on that computer.

Plateofcrumbs Wed 12-Mar-14 21:02:47

Fairenuff - by being 'understanding' I meant that I don't think the OP is going to get to the bottom of this by immediately getting angry and throwing accusations. He's already shown his default reaction is to deny all knowledge. It's not about whether he deserves it or not, I was coming at it from the POV of what is going to get the OP some answers.

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 21:03:13
cfc Wed 12-Mar-14 21:03:38

He might have had time to send one of them to his own phone, OP? Perhaps, it only takes a second.

I'm sorry for you. This is entirely disrespectful and gross - in his mind he might believe that it's ok because 'you' are there...?

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 21:03:57

Him going ahead anyway and doing things he knows you're not comfortable with just says to me that he thinks he somehow 'owns' that part of you (the part that has sex with him), and that he can overrule your decision, and is OK with not even asking you at all.

This would go beyond the lies/porn thing for me, those are just byproducts of the realities of how he thinks.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 21:04:25

omg I've just checked his ipad. there's a porn page on it.

ukatlast Wed 12-Mar-14 21:05:48

Quote OP 'He doesn't feel he gets enough sex or BJs. So I think he is resorting to this.'

There's your answer then. Some men find mistresses when they feel like this I suppose.

justmyview Wed 12-Mar-14 21:06:18

I'm confused about these photos of other vaginas - where did they come from? If he sent you out of the room to look for his phone, then I think he was taking that opportunity to delete stuff PDQ

All sounds rather odd to me.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 21:06:38

Why are you surprised that there is a porn page, you know he looks at porn?

TeaAndALemonTart Wed 12-Mar-14 21:06:52

Why are you surprised at that knowing he watches porn anyway?

He sounds awful.

TeaAndALemonTart Wed 12-Mar-14 21:07:40

Great minds Fairy.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 21:08:11

Some men find mistresses when they feel like this I suppose

Are you implying that OP should be grateful that he's used her body like this for his own pleasure, rather than cheating on her hmm

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 21:09:57

I'm not surprised, just upset really.

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 21:10:21

Actually OP, you could say that you will take all the computers to the police because, if he didn't put your image on there, someone else did and that needs to be investigated.

He will probably then confess that it was him. But he only did it once, in a moment of madness, has got rid of it now and there are and never have been any other images anywhere.

WorraLiberty Wed 12-Mar-14 21:12:26

Why did you need to take a pic of the boil on your vagina, if your appointment was that day?

zoobaby Wed 12-Mar-14 21:16:34

Have you tried searching for .jpg, .tif, *.every single other file extension for photos. Not sure what the photo shop file extensions are but worthwhile checking the Internet for ideas.

Botanicbaby Wed 12-Mar-14 21:17:32

I find it odd that any GP would ask you to take a photograph of it, they can pretty much work out what the problem is by asking specific questions about your symptoms.

LEMmingaround Wed 12-Mar-14 21:17:58

ukatlast - are you a man? either way - not helpful love!

I know this is probably way WAY off the radar but there are sites where people send readers wives type pictures of their partners, with and without their knowledge - is there a possibility he would have done this?

How is your relationship generally? He complains he doesn't get enough sex so he looks at porn?

zoobaby Wed 12-Mar-14 21:18:39

That should be Asterisk.jpg, asterisk.file extension

piratecat Wed 12-Mar-14 21:19:04

plate, the porn videos/sites were all things he had asked me to do. Some I didn't mind doing, in the privacy of our own house, with no pictures obviously! Some I did refuse to do.

I don't understand this bit op, what did you 'do'?

Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 21:20:15

She's talking about acting out stuff he's seen in porn and wanted to do with her. Some of it she's ok with, some not.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 12-Mar-14 21:20:59


Fairenuff Wed 12-Mar-14 21:22:20

OP I'm sorry that you are upset at finding porn on his ipad but if you know he uses it and are ok with that, I'm not sure what it is that has upset you.

You don't have to be ok with his porn use you know. You don't have to go along with it if you don't want to and you don't have to put up with it in your relationship if you don't want to.

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 21:27:11

sorry but the GP asking for a photo of your vagina sounds equally strange.

not sure what to think. you seem surrounded by some very strange men op.

pomdereplay Wed 12-Mar-14 21:28:16

Jesus Christ. This is one of the more upsetting threads I have read on Mumsnet.

I would not dream of letting this lie, OP. Whatever has happened, it is bloody sinister and just the tip of the iceberg as regards this man's sexual behaviour by the sound of things. You need to find out what has happened and act accordingly. I could not live like this, I just couldn't. How distressing for you.

usualsuspect33 Wed 12-Mar-14 21:28:39

All sounds very odd.

NigellasGuest Wed 12-Mar-14 21:28:42

just wondering - wouldn't it have been easier to not take the boil photo in the first place and to just show the boil in the flesh so to speak? I know that's not a helpful comment but I'm not sure why anyone would do that - my GP at least doesn't accept photos, AFAIK -in fact it's never occurred to me to do that and I've never heard of this practice- what do you do, email it to the GP?

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 21:30:03

Does anyone remember a thread where the OP's husband was posting pictures of her on a voyeur thread? She was completely unaware of it.

NigellasGuest Wed 12-Mar-14 21:30:27

and if for some reason I DID need a photo of a boil on my vagina I think I could manage to photograph it myself using my mobile phone

Caitlin17 Wed 12-Mar-14 21:30:31

I agree pomdereplay if this happened to me I couldn't make of it into situation I found plausible or acceptable.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 21:31:06

Was it your husband who told you to photograph it for the doctor?

piratecat Wed 12-Mar-14 21:32:51

it's all a bit odd really. photo of a boil for a doctor? don't think so.

Anotheronebitthedust Wed 12-Mar-14 21:33:38

I completely disagree with the posters saying they would rather their husbands have photos of them rather than porn stars/other naked women. Really? At least porn would (hopefully) be consensual, with the women knowing what the images would have been used for. The two options here are both non-consensual uses of the OPs face/body for his sexual pleasure.

I think the photoshop thing, while possibly still the better of the scenarios (the other being secretly filming you during sex) is still one of the creepiest, weirdest things I have ever heard, if it is true.

I'm pretty open minded about what people want to get up to sex-wise, each to their own and all that, but the main thing should always be consent and shared pleasure between both (or all) participants - otherwise you start crossing some pretty serious lines.

Gruntfuttock Wed 12-Mar-14 21:34:09

I don't think so either, piratecat.

NigellasGuest Wed 12-Mar-14 21:35:23

"hubby's pc"

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 21:38:08

Naked pics on the voyeur thread?

Or fully clothed? Surely if they were naked the OP would be aware that he has naked pics of her?

What's the back story OP?

TeaAndALemonTart Wed 12-Mar-14 21:38:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LizzieHexham Wed 12-Mar-14 21:39:01

I have herpes. It's not a big deal and outbreaks are rare and have not happened for years. I wasn't sure if it even was herpes but was petrified when I was pregnant I might have an outbreak as vaginal birth is not recommended. I told the midwifes and they said if I had another outbreak to come to the hospital immediately, no appointment needed as they understood it wasn't something I could make an appointment for.

Aside from the fact what is a recurring boil on your vagina, I'd imagine any health care practice would take the same attitude to a recurring but unpredictable problem.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 21:42:11

Funky, on the thread I was reading, the OP's partner was taking photos of her as she slept. Awful thread.

Damnautocorrect Wed 12-Mar-14 21:42:49

I've been asked to take photos of stuff to the docs, things that flare up and go away by the time you get an appt

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 21:42:54

Tea grin

early night I think as it's a school tomorrow.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 12-Mar-14 21:46:16

No Dr has ever asked for me to take a photo. What the hell can Drs do with a photo, they can't diagnose anything from that.
This is a very odd thread.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 21:48:03

I never know what use a photo of a boil you used to have is.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 21:51:14

So, he has form then...

If she knew about him taking photos of her whilst she slept...why is this such a surprise to her?

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Mar-14 21:52:33

No, this is a different woman! I was talking about another thread from a year or so ago.

I think the voyeur thread was by a different OP...or I may be reading it wrong. confused

Comeatmefam Wed 12-Mar-14 21:54:19

I don't know whether this thread is bullshit or not (but as ever people should never give away any personal info they would be upset to have shared if it turns out to be a hair handed wanker < literally) BUT:

My sister sent a pic of an injury/bruising to her doctor following surgery on her chest so it can and does happen!

And I also know of a man who manipulated pictures of his partner and posted them on porn sites.

WorraLiberty Wed 12-Mar-14 21:58:07

I've been asked to take photos of stuff to the docs, things that flare up and go away by the time you get an appt

Yeah but the appointment was the same day as the photo was taken

Koothrapanties Wed 12-Mar-14 21:58:19

Oh dear op. I hope you get some answers. You cannot let this go.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 12-Mar-14 22:00:03

I doubt a Doctor would ask for a picture of a vaginal boil though. If I was asked I would refuse as would, I think, the vast majority of women. It's just weird.

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 22:01:31

I don't think and have never heard of a doctor asking for pictures of a female patients vagina. I was a nurse for years.

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 22:06:28

he's home. I screamed. I cried. I hit him. I threw things.
He's admitted to the porn. Says he has a high sex drive. He gets 'frustrated' and it helps him release stress after a hard day at work.
Says he does respect me, he's so so sorry. But he's not as upset/apologetic as I was expecting, hard to explain really.
He denies all knowledge of the pictures of me. He doesn't know how they got there and can't find them.
So now we are in silence. I'm still unsure of what to do and need to give myself more time to think. I've told him DD is sleeping with me and he's in her room as I can't have him near me. DD will be confused sad
I've had so many bad things happen to me over the years and the last person I thought would hurt me was my DH. sad
I don't know if I can trust him or love him like I did an hour or so ago.
I just need to think it all over sad

BolshierAyraStark Wed 12-Mar-14 22:06:52

Yes OP , please do explain why you felt the need for a photo of the fanjo boil when the doctors appointment was that very day-did you expect it to vanish...? hmm

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 22:07:19

The body - honest when I say my (female) doctor suggested it as this boil kept coming and going by the time I got to the appointment (often several days after I requested one).

mummyinbonniescotland Wed 12-Mar-14 22:08:12

bolshier, I was just doing what the doctor suggested!

Lazyjaney Wed 12-Mar-14 22:10:10

"Quote OP 'He doesn't feel he gets enough sex or BJs. So I think he is resorting to this."

Now why am I not surprised to read this?

I'd bet its Photoshopped, may not even be all the OPs bits. Sounds to me like a bit of sex fantasy from a guy who is not getting very much of the real thing tbh.

BolshierAyraStark Wed 12-Mar-14 22:10:52

But the appointment was that day & the boil was there so no photo needed surely?

HopefulHamster Wed 12-Mar-14 22:11:17

Don't know why people have focused on the doctor thing. I have had to take pics of eczema on my breast before. It flares up and then is nearly always much better at appointment time. So much so whenever I have been referred to a dermatologist I've had the same one who always takes one look and then tells me to use vaseline, like I've never thought of that before...

I'd be furious OP. He's minimising. If it wasn't him he should be deeply concerned and trying to find out where the pic came from.

He's hoping if he denies for long enough it will all go away, especially as he will have deleted (or moved) the evidence.

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 22:12:54

I think you need to back off a bit if you're hitting and throwing things at him.

I know you're very upset but that doesn't excuse you doing anything you like to him.

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 22:15:02

Does he believe you when you say you saw the photographs OP?

If he does, how does he think they got there?

Wouldn't that mean there was someone else involved if it wasn't you and it wasn't him?

ViviPru Wed 12-Mar-14 22:18:53

This is baffling, please can you clarify OP.

My understanding is you saw ONE photo of yourself naked with your bits on display, and you can't remember when/where it was taken? Do I have that correct?

So one possible explanation is he has superimposed your face over a porn image? Did you not recognise the setting, your legs? And the vag snaps, surely you'd recognise your own, even with a fleeting glance at a small thumbnail preview?

Lazyjaney Wed 12-Mar-14 22:19:20

"he's home. I screamed. I cried. I hit him. I threw things"

I'm beginning to form another picture here....

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 22:23:09

That's a thread in itself Vivi, 'would you recognise your own vag snap if it was sprung on you out of context?'

I don't know whether I should be worried that I'm not 100% sure I could grin

Quinteszilla Wed 12-Mar-14 22:30:24

Personally I would not recognize something I have never seen.

ViviPru Wed 12-Mar-14 22:33:28

Omg AgentZZ, imagine... I spy an image uploader down there... We could all do a swap n share. Justine could shuffle 'em up like a pack of cards and pull them out at random. I reckon I could identify the PruFanj at 20 paces...

UncleT Wed 12-Mar-14 22:34:05

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Quinteszilla Wed 12-Mar-14 22:37:38

Op, sure it is not another woman wearing your clothes, in your house, with just your face photo shopped on, rather than the rest?

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 22:40:32

If he denies all knowledge then he will support you calling the police won't he?

Wantsunshine Wed 12-Mar-14 22:44:39

Just want to add I know lots of people who take photos for their doctors. If things are intermittent then it's a good idea.

lookingfoxy Wed 12-Mar-14 22:45:24

Just restore the computer to an earlier date then search for the folder again.

ViviPru Wed 12-Mar-14 22:45:56

I've just re-read the OP. So the OP recognises her own clothes in the the legs akimbo pic. (And presumably her face and the setting) so where Photoshop comes into this I have no clue. Are we seriously suggesting he's superimposed spread eagle naked legs on a photo of the OP? This is utterly ridiculous.

CrapBag Wed 12-Mar-14 22:48:51

Ask him why the recycle bin is empty and where is the folder called 'technical'.

Surely he can't deny that, the folder was named to be something you wouldn't look at. Knew exactly what he was doing.

littleducks Wed 12-Mar-14 22:59:38

oh dear, sounds horrible.

whilst I admit the Dr thing sounds odd I knew someone who was to embarrassed to show their Dr their female they took a picture. turned out they were genitsal warts and needed treating so Dr saw them in the flesh anyway hmm but it's not totally unbelievable to me

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 23:05:08

You first Vivi grin

'If he denies all knowledge then he will support you calling the police won't he?'

You'd hope so wouldn't you?

The OP should be contacting them even if she knows for sure that he took them, I would be concerned if she can't remember the situation and wondering why.

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 23:05:21

we'll op sorry if this is for real but got to say again a photo of your vagina boil the sane day you are seeing the GP? why?

you don't recognise your own vagina or legs? or you do? and do you recognise the setting? why did your dh have to take the picture if the boil? surely you could have done that yourself.

just confused really.

Lazyjaney Wed 12-Mar-14 23:12:00

"If he denies all knowledge then he will support you calling the police won't he?"

Good idea. They can deal with the DV incident at the same time.

Or am I the only one here who thinks hitting, throwing things and screaming at someone is far more serious than a girlie pic of a wife on a PC?

Anotheronebitthedust Wed 12-Mar-14 23:17:46

vivi - the photoshop thing is really not as ridiculous as it first appears - people do it all the time with celebrities. And OPs husband is a photographer so could easily do it and may explain why he would be more likely to do it iykwim? - if he spends all day minimising pores, reducing hip size, adding in completely different backgrounds he may have become desensitized to how weird is to 'alter reality' like that.

If it is real, this is still one of the weirdest threads I'e ever read on here though.

Lazyjaney - not sure what you are inferring? OPs reaction doesn't seem particularly ott - If this was me I don't think I'd be able to sit down and discuss it calmly over a cup of tea!

Caitlin17 Wed 12-Mar-14 23:19:13

Lazeyjaney if this thread is true the picture is not a girlie pic of a wife. It's either a picture somehow actually of the OP taken without her consent or a real picture of her photoshpped without her consent to make it pornographic.

Anotheronebitthedust Wed 12-Mar-14 23:22:52

Lazyjaney It's not just a 'girly pic' (weird term btw confused) - it is a non consensual image (whether real or photoshopped) of someone in a vulnerable position that could cause huge damage and humiliation if it was found/shared.

People have been imprisoned for spying and taking naked photos of others without their consent.

how would you like it if the person you trusted most in the world did this to you? Why are you victim blaming?

fifi669 Wed 12-Mar-14 23:33:58

So..... One picture OP recognises as herself that she doesn't remember being taken. Plus photos of vaginas she doesn't know are hers. Maybe she forgot? Maybe the other photos are just images from porn sites?

Also pretty sure it's victim blaming to say the DH deserved violence after what he's done. Allegedly.

AgentZigzag Wed 12-Mar-14 23:35:11

I posted at 22.12 saying I thought it was OTT Lazyjaney, but I'm not sure I'd go as far as trying to work out which is worse.

They're both pretty shit and don't think you could argue there's an excuse for either.

Sorry for doing the obvious, but I don't think the OPs remark about hitting and throwing things would have been ignored by posters or excused as 'not particularly ott' in the same way if the OP was a bloke.

OpalQuartz Wed 12-Mar-14 23:39:20

No they wouldn't have been.

zippey Wed 12-Mar-14 23:40:10

You can use a free software called Piriform Recuva to recover deleted files from a flash drive or any kind of hard disk.

MostWicked Wed 12-Mar-14 23:46:20

It sounds like this is a photoshopped image. There is no way that the police would have any interest in this. There is 1 photo that the OP saw for a split second, didn't see properly, that there is now no evidence of. There is no evidence to suggest that this has been shared.
I'm pretty sure this isn't even a crime.

OP, you and your DH need to talk. No shouting, hitting or throwing things, just talking. He won't own up to anything if he feels backed into a corner.
He's obviously trying to meet a high sex drive so I understand the porn, but I'm not so sure about this.

ViviPru Wed 12-Mar-14 23:53:19

I get the point about the DH being able to do it, I'm a graphic designer and trained photographer and manipulate images in Photoshop in a professional capacity every single day (I had to clothe an ice-skating polar bear in fair isle knitwear today, true story)

My incredulity is the fact she recognises the setting and the clothes, suggesting he's taken a perfectly innocent photo of her sitting fully clothed and chucked porno spread-legs over the top? Yes it's possible but really? Is this reallywhat the OP has seen? It just sound implausible to me.

BurntPancake Thu 13-Mar-14 07:24:52

If this thread is true op then you need to leave your DH. You don't like what he's doing (and I agree it's unacceptable) and you have hit him and thrown things. Hitting is unacceptable. You really need to end the relationship.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Mar-14 07:27:49

"how would you like it if the person you trusted most in the world did this to you? Why are you victim blaming?"

WTF? This thread is totally surreal!

Do you lot seriously think that a person having a few naked pix of their partner on their PC is an OK reason for hitting someone and throwing stuff at them?

Your moral compasses are totally fucked.

maggiemight Thu 13-Mar-14 07:35:41

Haven't read all threads.

I would wonder if he is selling stuff to 'my wife likes porn' or 'girl next door porn sites' or similar. There is prob a market for what are supposed to be viewers photos.

YouTheCat Thu 13-Mar-14 07:39:38

Nothing wrong with pics taken/adapted with consent. Without consent is wrong and is why we have laws about this kind of thing.

Great that you'd be fine with it, Lazey. How very progressive of you. hmm But the OP isn't fine with it. Her dh clearly knew that or he wouldn't have hidden the photos and wouldn't nag her for sex either - total lack of respect on both counts and I can see why the OP is furious about it.

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 07:45:11

Hi everyone, just a wee update.

First of all, yes its all real. I'm not a troll or whatnot. I've been a MNr for years (penguin guy, do you dunk etc).

I slept with DD in my bed last night. I can't let him touch me. I have to take time to think. I haven't told anyone else (like my parents, who would march me to a divorce lawyer and probably kill DH).

About the pictures - I saw them as I was closing down several wedding picture folders he had up. he had several folders up and I was just clicking x after x absentmindedly and caught sight of the contents as I was clicking the x. I could only see some vaginas, a picture of me legs spread, and the name of the folder. The pictures are close up of vaginas, with them being held open. I've just remembered some of them had nail varnish in colours I don't wear. In fact, my nails are messier.

DH keeps saying sorry. He's sorry about the porn but as for pictures, potentially of me, he doesn't say sorry. He just says 'I don't have any pictures' over and over. The fact he's not apologising, or being concerned, tells me he did indeed get me out of the room so he could delete them.

As for me hitting him. It was a bag and clothes I threw at him and told him to pack (he didn't) and the hitting was slapping his face. I do believe other women would have done the same.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Mar-14 07:52:09

"Great that you'd be fine with it, Lazey. How very progressive of you. But the OP isn't fine with it"

It's the hitting and throwin band screaming I'm not fine with, and the view that a few naked pix makes it OK to hit people.

Actually it's not hitting people, it's hitting men that's OK. If this thread had reversed sexes you'd all be spitting tacks, and rightly so.

You are all massively minimising DV, the attitudes on here are quite shocking.

YouTheCat Thu 13-Mar-14 07:56:18

Nothing makes it okay to hit people but I can see why the OP is so angry especially in the face of his denial.

You are massively minimising too and victim blaming - nice.

piratecat Thu 13-Mar-14 08:07:19

ask him the question

where has the technical folder gone.

or do that thing with the computer where you choose a system restore point from a couple weeks ago.

computer people would this bring back deleted folder.?

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 08:11:06

'I do believe other women would have done the same.'

They might have done the same, but they would also have been in the wrong.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 08:16:23

Firstly OP I still don't understand why you are angry about the porn. You knew he used it, there was no need for him to 'admit' it.

You are probably so upset about his other actions that you are focussing on the wrong thing. If you don't want to be with someone who uses porn then fine, that's up to you and you can leave if you want. But that's really a side issue here.

The massive red flag is the images of you that he has altered and then denied all knowledge of.

How did that picture of you get on the computer? There are only two possibilities

1) He put it there or 2) Someone else put it there.

No if he is adamant it wasn't him, you must report this to the police because someone else is putting half naked pictures of you on your computer for anyone to see and the police woud most definitely would be interested in that.

But logic tells us that the second option is the most unlikely. So that leaves the first, most obvious, which is that your dh did it. He won't admit it so again you have two choices.

1) Accept it, ignore it, forget about it or 2) take action

Which do you want to do OP?

justmyview Thu 13-Mar-14 08:18:24

Agree with Zigzag - no excuse for hitting / slapping, whatever the circumstances.

Beyond that, I have huge sympathy for OP. Whole story sounds weird.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 08:20:41

Also, why isn't he concerned that some stranger has managed to get hold of pictures of you, photoshop them, get access to his computer to load the photos and then, within moments of you seeing them, break back into the house (or hack into the computer) to delete the images and the folder that they were in, neatly empting the recycling bin as they make their quick escape?

If he was innocent he would be up in arms over this and taking the computer to the police himself to track down this sexual predator.

ThatBloodyWoman Thu 13-Mar-14 08:28:29

I would tell him that you are going to pay one of those computer people to come in and find it.

In the meantime I would quite probably ask him to stay elsewhere.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Mar-14 08:39:24

"You are massively minimising too and victim blaming - nice"

Only on MN would you get attacked for arguing against DV on men

Anything else you think it's ok to hit men for then, YouTheCat?

comicsansisevil Thu 13-Mar-14 09:31:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperRose Thu 13-Mar-14 09:42:38

To be honest it sounds to me like you both have issues here.

He has digitally altered pictures of you and has deviously deleted them and is now lying to you about their existence. (I don 't think you can complain about the porn because you know and accept it)

You appear to think violence towards your partner is ok and I'm pretty sure that it's an attitude that runs on your family as you've twice casually inferred that they would perpetrate some level of violence in your dp if they found out .

What is pretty scary to me is that somewhere in this entirely dysfunctional relationship is a dd.

ViviPru Thu 13-Mar-14 09:46:03

Photoshop or no, (and I've explained above that I understand how image manipulation software works hmm ) I still find this unfathomable....

"Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.*

I don't remember ever posing like that

PiperRose Thu 13-Mar-14 09:46:50

Ooh and I have a question. You begin this thread by saying "tonight I went on to hubby's pc". Is this a usual thing, do you normally ask before hand, did he know you would be going on it?

Ghostsdonttalk Thu 13-Mar-14 10:05:04

Do you think he could have ever given you a drug for this to happen? Do you ever wake up wondering where the time has gone? How u got to bed?

IceBeing Thu 13-Mar-14 10:14:19

I think this is just mistaken identity. I saw a picture I would swear was myself and DH walking somewhere we had never been. But really we simply aren't the only couple that look like that and wear those sorts of clothes and have that sort of suitcase etc.

It might look like your couch...and it wouldn't be that weird if your DH looked a porn by people who broadly resemble you...then there just has to be a similar item of clothing and it all conspires to make you think it is you when it probably simply wasn't.

but your dh is still lying about deleting them at a bare minimum....

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 10:22:34

Your aggression and assault on your husband is not ok. I'm guessing your daughter was in the house when you did this.

Your husband is lying, he knows about photo and where it has come from. I would pretend to take him at his word, ask the police for advice on the legal aspects of someone having images of you without your consent and give the PC to a professional to recover any files. I would do this today without warning my husband.

JamNan Thu 13-Mar-14 10:35:34

Sorry I don't want to scare you, but is it possible your husband is sharing pictures of you with other people on the internet or in RL?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 13-Mar-14 10:46:00

If it were me, would stop fannying about and be on the phone to get a professional computer bod to come and recover those files right now.

I would also be asking them if they can find out whether those pics have been shared.

shinyrobot Thu 13-Mar-14 10:48:33

Deleted files are very often recoverable, type in 'recover deleted files' along with your version of windows or mac os for instructions. If you are able to recover them then you can save any image files onto an sd card, usb stick etc.

If he uses Lightroom then have a browse through the files on there in library module as even if the files are deleted and you have been unable to recover them it usually shows a good sized saved preview of the image and it's last location on the computer will be visible too.

Less likely options, but worth a look - if he has recently opened the image in photoshop then it may be in the recently opened files list, although he has most likely emptied this, but worth a try, run photoshop and click file at the top left corner, on the pop up menu mouse over recently opened and a list of files will pop out. Try opening from the lowest one upwards. If the file is in the list but he has deleted it then it will only open if you have already restored it as per above.
Also in photoshop you can click file then open, this should take you to the last directory that was accessed, if deleted it will need restoring first of course.
One last thing in PS is to go to file>browse in bridge. If he uses bridge then it should go to the last directory he was in, again only if the deleted files are restored first.
Menu items may have slightly different list names in different photoshop versions.

Plateofcrumbs Thu 13-Mar-14 10:48:44

Like IceBeing said - are you absolutely sure it was a picture of you? You said you just saw a thumbnail sized image, briefly, as you were closing down open folders.

The issue of creating pictures of you without your knowledge is IMO the only part of this story which is really troubling. 'DH looks at prn without my knowledge' might not be something you're happy about, and something you might still want to discuss, but isn't exactly unusual.

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 13-Mar-14 10:50:52

If you're in the endgame of a marriage then hitting your DH was beyond stupid. Not only is it assault, it could cost you residency of your DD.

You could try to search his computer again, but its unlikely to achieve anything. You can just leave because of an irrecoverable breakdown in the relationship. If you didn't find a photo of you then would that restore trust, or have you got to the stage where nothing will help?

It may not be deleted, it could be a secret or 'hidden' file which would explain why the OP can't find it-
The link should explain how to search for hidden files...

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 11:06:36

OP - ask HQ to move this to relationships section. AIBU is not the place for this.

Restore the deleted folder - there has been plenty of advice on this thread.

Slapping him was wrong and you need to find a way of dealing with your anger and frustration in the future.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 11:40:03

Maybe a bit late to move it after 169 posts isn't it Sabrina?

The OP said she's namechanged so she must have deliberately posted in AIBU know about the different parts of MN.

IslandMoose Thu 13-Mar-14 11:47:27

In answer to your original question, what do you want to do next?

Manipulating a photograph of somebody without their consent is not illegal (assuming you don't publish it). You do, however, find it unacceptable. Nevertheless it has happened, and no amount of further conversations with (or assaults upon) your husband or forensic combing of his laptop's hard-drive are going to change that fact.

If it's an irreversible break-down in your relationship then end the relationship. I suspect that all three of you may be better off in the long run.

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 13-Mar-14 11:54:55

You do need to apologise to him for hitting him I think, notwithstanding what he appears to have done to you. It is important for both of you that you reaffirm that boundary of no violence in the relationship. Things may get worse before they get better, and that boundary protects both of you.

I think I would also just take the computer to someone to recover deleted files and show hidden files.

Don't let him deny having the photo or pretend to not to understand what you mean. You know what you saw, it's not up for debate or persuasion whether or not you saw it.

YouTheCat Thu 13-Mar-14 12:05:35

Lazey, I never said it was okay to hit. Are you hard of understanding?

Plateofcrumbs Thu 13-Mar-14 12:19:59

You know what you saw, it's not up for debate or persuasion whether or not you saw it.

I'm not 100% sure based on what the OP has said. It's very confusing - on the one hand she saw thumbnail images briefly when closing a folder, but at the same time that was long enough to take in the name of the folder, and various details of these small images down to nail varnish colour. But also not enough detail for her to twig that it might have been photoshopped. The whole thing is hard to judge.

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 13-Mar-14 12:24:34

I see what you're saying, Plateofcrumbs But I'm not so much endorsing everything the OP has said as saying what I think would be a good position to take in talking to her husband.

MysweetAudrina Thu 13-Mar-14 12:30:13

If my dh was taking pictures of my fanny or photoshopping me without my knowledge I would thump him too. It may not be nice and it may not be right but I would feel very justified in doing so if he stood there and lied and denied.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 12:56:23

mummy this is rubbish for you. But you love this man and you were happily married to him. Presumably saving your marriage is important to you.

Disregard these vagina pictures where you know the vaginas aren't yours. (because of the fingernails). You are fine with him seeing porn so ignore them.

The main problem then is this picture of you with legs akimbo.

As Piper says did you ask him before you went on the PC? The fact that he has no problems with you going on it suggest that he's not feeling guilty. Maybe because there's nothing to feel guilty about.

For both your sakes agree to get someone in to restore your files - tell him your trust has been damaged and you need to know that there was nothing there.

Maybe he's unbothered by that photo because he knows it actually was never there?

It is amazing how unreliable our memories are. A system restore will set your mind at rest.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 12:58:01

While you are waiting for that person get him to agree to you changing the password on the PC so he can't permanently eradicate anything. Try and stay calm and try to keep an open mind about whether he is telling the truth.

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 13:45:56


mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 13:48:48

Sorry that was a test post to see if my new name was working on iPad

I'm at work so this is brief.

He's been texting me repeatedly apologising.

When I said I was going to the police, he finally admitted the photos were of me and he's deleted them.

Someone asked if I use his PC lots, yes I do, although I don't check the history often. I do wonder if he left them up deliberately but then again that would be stupid as he knows I wouldn't like that at all. I think it may have been accidental as he came to bed late the night before, maybe too tired to notice he hadn't closed it.

More updates after work.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 13:53:08

Oh my god.

So he actually made the photos of you? Were they photoshopped or had he taken them without consent?

I am so so sorry, that is really shit. I feel sick on your behalf just thinking about it.

Can you trust him again? I don't know whether I would be able to.

ViviPru Thu 13-Mar-14 13:55:50

What about the fingernails on the close-ups? Surely you'd know if you were having a photo taken of your ladygarden while your fingers are down there? Or are we saying he's taken surreptitious muff-shots of you and photoshopped in some beautifully manicured fingers?

Just so much confused I don't even know where to start...

piratecat Thu 13-Mar-14 14:03:50

what an idiot.

LiberalLibertine Thu 13-Mar-14 14:04:42

Oh love, this would freak me out big time. Especially the lying and the photo shopping thing is just too weird.

Good luck with your talk tonight op.

FabBakerGirl Thu 13-Mar-14 14:09:57

Secret camera? Do you often have no pants on? I am wondering if he knew he would get "something" or was there a time he asked/you planned to have no pants on and he took advantage?

You poor woman.

FabBakerGirl Thu 13-Mar-14 14:23:11

So he has only owned up to save his own skin, and not because you were upset and asking hmm.

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 13-Mar-14 14:44:41

Oh blimey. Well, at least now you can talk properly, but he should just have admitted all straightaway. It's really not good that he didn't.

Pippintea Thu 13-Mar-14 15:02:55

Ask him to tell you exactly what he has done OP. Tell him that if you think he is skirting round the truth, you won't listen. He has to be totally honest with you even if it's not going to be easy for either of you.

LEMmingaround Thu 13-Mar-14 15:06:48

I hope that you manage to get some honest answers out of him, depending on what he says and how you feel about it dictates how you are going to proceed.

My DP has explicit photos of me, that i have taken and sent to him on his phone, he has kept them and i am fine with tht (i would be, i took them). I would also be quite happy for me to take candid pictures of me but i would expect to be shown them! I really would have a problem if he felt he couldn't show me them because i would be questioning why and wondering wtf he wanted them for.

His dishonesty about the whole thing is the major issue for me, as well as the consent - my DP would know it would be perfectly fine to take pictures of my bits (id prefer that to my face - ha!) but he would also be up front about it (to be honest, i don't think he could even be bothered though) But for you (and that is perfectly fine, we are all different) it is not ok, he should have known that it wasn't ok, he DID know that it wasn't ok. He has alot of grovelling and making amends to do, and if you can't get past it, well he only has himself to blame.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 15:22:53

What a sneaky, duplicitous little shit.

MeepMeepVrooom Thu 13-Mar-14 15:47:18

TBH I'm struggling to understand how while x'ing out of a folder when through you own admission you weren't paying much attention that you can recall the picture of you (in detail), the colour of nails in other pictures and the name of the folder confused

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 16:31:50

When I said I was going to the police, he finally admitted the photos were of me and he's deleted them.

No surprises there then.

So what he has done is taken ordinary, smiling photos of you and then photoshopped other women's naked lower halves onto your body.

Pretty horrible for you OP.

Then he lied about it to save himself. He did not give one jot for your feelings, OP, or care how upset you were. God knows who else he has shared these images with. He will tell you no-one but I wouldn't believe a word he says.

This man is low, very low.

He said 'images', as in 'more than one', did he tell you how many there were? I would still want to get all the files retrieved so you can see for yourself. I think you need to take the computer to an expert if you can't do this yourself and find out how far he has gone.

LEMmingaround Thu 13-Mar-14 16:37:16

fairenough - i don't agree, could you imagine the conversation between the OP and the tech people confused. My last post was a bit off really, i wasn't trying to excuse the DH, just trying to look for scenarios where it would be acceptable. I can't honestly think of them - if its a photoshop thing, i think it would be a deal breaker for me and finding out how far he has gone wouldn't make a jot of difference to me. I think it might well be a case of ignorance is bliss (not ignorance of what he has done but ignorance of if anything is out there because there isnt a great deal the op could do about it).

Really sorry for you OP sad

Sianilaa Thu 13-Mar-14 16:47:42

Were the images photoshopped or did he do something much more sinister...?

I'm really sorry OP.

LEMmingaround Thu 13-Mar-14 16:59:03

Sianlaa - what would be more sinister? Do you mean took the pictures while she was asleep? I honestly can't say which i think is worse tbh.

Straitjacket Thu 13-Mar-14 17:00:29

Are you absolutely certain of what you saw? It's just by your own admission, you wasn't paying much notice and was just clicking x. Were they large thumbnails? That would explain a bit.

Not that I am excusing him, I am just wondering whether he is now panicking and admitting to that because he is scared of what might be found on the computer. I would definitely be downloading one of those free programmes which retrieves deleted files OP and the quicker the better because the longer you leave it, they disappear for good.

OhBabyLilyMunster Thu 13-Mar-14 17:05:41

Possibly the creepiest thing ive read on here.

You MUST obtain those pictures.

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 17:42:31

I've been to the police just for advice at the moment. A lovely lady has talked me through what I can do and things I hadn't really thought about that could have happened that has scared me now. I'm all over the place ATM hmm

BOFtastic Thu 13-Mar-14 17:43:53

Oh no- what did they say?

Anotheronebitthedust Thu 13-Mar-14 17:45:36

Vivipru why are you being so touchy? Even in my original explanation I never assumed that you didn't know what photoshop was, or how it worked. I just said that using it to put superimpose faces on naked bodies,or similar was really not as uncommon a thing as you suggest.

Although obviously Photoshop as used in offices for official purposes involves less dodgy things (like your polar bear!) sexual related image manipulation is a huge secondary use for it (and the cheaper/other versions of similar software).

I only have a rough knowledge of this myself, but friends who are into fan art/fan videos have said that it is used constantly for that (both innocent versions and sexualised ones - e.g. adding Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Felton's heads to porn star bodies), and there are millions of those types of work out there. I'm not condoning it at all but why would it be much more unusual for a man to do a similar thing to his partner?

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 17:47:52

The woman told me to think about where he goes in his spare time, who with, what are they like, who else had access to his computer/phone, to check his phone/emails in case anythings been forwarded, to search for my name on google, that he may have broken the law regarding pictures of me without my knowledge/consent. Lots covered.

ScarletStar Thu 13-Mar-14 17:59:04

When you saw the picture of you, was it a large enough picture so that you could see it was definitely you? Not instead maybe someone wearing your clothes? I'm really sorry but that jumped into my head immediately when I read your post.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 17:59:07

Oh OP I hope you continue to find support here, but I think you need to tell someone in real life and get some RL support too.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 18:00:00

I agree that this would be best moved to Relationships. Some of the questions here are prurient and unhelpful.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 18:01:48

Yes, OP I agree. Did she say that a computer expert would be able to help you find out more about what is on, or has been on his computer and where he might have shared it?

So sorry that you're having to go through all this. Keep posting for support. Ignore any posts that are unhelpful to you at the moment, you can always come back to them later if you want to.

ViviPru Thu 13-Mar-14 18:04:11

I'm not saying it's not uncommon, just I don't trust the OPs account of the scenario to be reliable enough for us all to take it for red that what she thinks she saw isa photoshopped image of her.

(Not that I don't believe that's what she thinks could be the case, just that she's been so vague about the image it's hard to draw firm conclusions)

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 18:06:46

Are you awake / conscious in the picture?

I am wondering if he might have drugged you and taken the pic. sadangry

SmashleyHop Thu 13-Mar-14 18:09:45

Just read this and I am in complete and utter shock for you OP. To be violated like this by your own husband is just incomprehensible. I hope you are ok now- and keep up with the police. You need to know if he's been posting these images on the internet. At this point I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Try and stay strong.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 18:12:31

OP said she was smiling in the picture. She would not do that if she were asleep or unconscious. My understanding is that he admitted photoshopping the picture using her image and porn.

ViviPru Thu 13-Mar-14 18:15:18

My understanding is that he admitted photoshopping the picture using her image and porn

I'm just confused though because the OP hasn't actually clarified that he has admitted this - just that he's confirmed it's her in the pictures. I'm trying not to be argumentative of facetious but it's relevant to the thread to ascertain exactly how these images came into being - so far as far as I can gather the Photoshopping is still an assumption?

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 18:34:46

yes, ViviPru, that's what I understood too.

Lj8893 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:35:52

So did he explain how he got the picture?
Was your face in the photo? Could it be someone else wearing your jumper?

GarthsUncle Thu 13-Mar-14 18:39:47

OP doesn't say in the OP that she was going to the doctor that day - maybe I missed it in a subsequent post.

Hope the image hasn't gone further OP.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 18:54:30

Garth in a subsequent post OP says something along the lines of 'he took the photo with my phone, have it back to me immediately and the photo was deleted later that day after the appointment'.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 18:55:02

Gave the phone back, not have the phone back

Landoni112 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:57:22

I know DH has admitted to altering/photoshopping some images, but if I was OP I would like to view the folder in its entirety to see what I was dealing with, and also to know where (if) the photos might have been shared.
Awkward and difficult, but I would need to do this to forgive and move on (if OP wanted to).

GarthsUncle Thu 13-Mar-14 19:00:15

Ah yes grin

<must not MN whilst cooking Fishfingers...>

formerbabe Thu 13-Mar-14 19:09:57

This is one of the creepiest things I have ever heard. I don't often say this but I would ltb.

Girlnumbersix Thu 13-Mar-14 19:38:17

Your husband sounds absolutely revolting. Leave him. He is shit.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 19:40:04

How are you doing OP, do you have anyone in rl to support you?

Kandypane Thu 13-Mar-14 20:00:40

Urgh. This has made me feel sick. How could you ever trust him again? Urgh Urgh Urgh.

AllergyMums Thu 13-Mar-14 20:10:51

OP - have you told anyone is RL apart from the police? If not then suggest you choose a friend to confide in so you have support. Feeling isolated isn't going to help.

CloverHeart Thu 13-Mar-14 20:18:00

Oh my god OP you poor thing. Giving you thanks and a hand to hold if you need it. What a horrible thing to have happened.

If ever there was a thread where OP should be told to LTB, it's this one, right here sad

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 20:21:02

I haven't told anyone in RL, I feel too embarrassed and ashamed to.

DH has been crying and begging forgiveness. But says he's never photoshopped me, never taken pictures without my knowledge. Only pictures he's ever taken are from that trip to the doctors. He won't admit to anything else, he denies it completely.

Its hard to say much as he's home. He's playing with DD now. I can't argue with him with her around.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Mar-14 20:23:52

"I've been to the police just for advice at the moment. A lovely lady has talked me through what I can do and things I hadn't really thought about that could have happened that has scared me now"

I assume you neglected to tell the police that you hit your husband, OP?

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 20:28:35

OP Its hard to say much as he's home. He's playing with DD now. I can't argue with him with her around.

I wouldn't argue, but you're right about a serious adult conversation being needed. I'd kick him out of the house, I couldn't live with a creep like this.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 20:33:44

Janey shut up, her OH can start his own thread about his wife slapping him if he wants.

OP I would suggest you request this thread to be moved. I would also get your hands on that computer ASAP to either find these files or have an expert do it. You need to know concretely what you are dealing with before you can know how to deal with it.

LiberalLibertine Thu 13-Mar-14 20:35:14

What? I thought he admitted it was you in the pictures? So what is his theory to how the fuck they got there? confused

I'd seriously consider asking him to leave for a while op, you've already lost your temper, and he's saying like a dick, so would be best all round.

LiberalLibertine Thu 13-Mar-14 20:36:11

Acting like a dick, not saying.

Slapperati Thu 13-Mar-14 20:40:44

My sympathies OP. There was a thread a few months ago by someone who's partner posted her naked photo on 'readers wives' type website. I can't remember how it ended sad

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 20:48:50

Why is he crying and begging forgiveness if he's done nothing wrong? What is it that he is sorry for?

I really think that you need to find out what is/was on the computer for your own benefit but as to your relationship - do you want to try and work through this with him, or is it over?

TheVictorian Thu 13-Mar-14 20:51:06

Op you may find this useful Its who owns the copyright to a photo.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 20:52:24

For the people saying the OP should move the thread over to relationships to sidestep the issue of her slapping her DH, isn't that a bit shit to imply that the posters who answer threads in relationships will gloss over that bit?

Let's forget what the OP's done and concentrate on what a wankstain her DH is?

I agree that he is getting close to the lowest of the low, and I'm not saying I wouldn't get pretty irate, even violent, if I found out the same information, but don't pretend that it's not important or it's OK given the circumstances.

Punching, slapping, kicking, throwing (heavy or sharp) things, stabbing, throttling, smothering and setting someone on fire are all out, and if you do them you should acknowledge you were totally in the wrong/out of control and have no excuse.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 20:54:25

Zig For the people saying the OP should move the thread over to relationships to sidestep the issue of her slapping her DH

Who has said that?

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 20:54:50

And I don't like the implication that if you point out that slapping someone is domestic violence you're being goady or fitting in with the stereotypical AIBU poster.

It's not goady, it should be the truth.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 20:57:40

I just don't think her slapping him or not has much to do with the issue that OP has posted and needs help with. I also think that slapping aside, she could get more and perhaps better advice on the relationships boards, especially if she is considering LTB.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 20:58:05

'Janey shut up, her OH can start his own thread about his wife slapping him if he wants.

OP I would suggest you request this thread to be moved.'

Alongside the other posters saying she should move it.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 20:59:09

OP - he's still lying to you then. You said he took one close up for the doctor, which was deleted after your appointment. Yet, he's admitted what you saw on the pc was you.

He's reeling, because he's been caught out. So sorry.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Mar-14 21:00:03

"Janey shut up, her OH can start his own thread about his wife slapping him if he wants"

Yeah right.

This has been the real revelation of this thread, ie how many women on here think it's perfectly OK to hit their husbands.

If the sexes were reversed here you would all be shrieking for his balls head, this is just monumental hypocrisy

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 21:00:29

ZigZag I meant, where has anyone suggested she move the thread to Relationships in order to escape from people challenging her on the violence?

I was one who said I agreed the thread should move and I was also one of those challenging her on the violence.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:00:40

Zig zag, what I said bears no resemblance to what you implied. I do not think that is why she should move the thread.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:01:25

The OP posted that she'd slapped him and that makes it an issue nunqua.

But there are no rules to say you're only allowed to discuss what the OP posts about, posters can take the thread in any direction they like.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:01:32

I've also not commented on how right or wrong anyone is for slapping. Not the issue here and has no bearing on what has happened to the OP.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:02:07

Yes they can which is why perhaps it needs to become an advice and support thread. Because that is what OP needs

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:03:03

You minimized her slapping him numqua, saying he doesn't matter and can start his own thread if he's that bothered.

It's there in black and white grin

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:04:45

And how it's hypocritical in any way (when you don't even know if I'm married, or a lesbian, etc etc) to suggest that a thread be moved because it is now talking about a potential break up, is beyond me. That has nothing to do with condoning violence.

But when an OP has been so fucked over by her husband that she has to ask for advice from police about it, it baffles me a little that posters ignore the fact completely only to ask if op told the police that she slapped him.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:05:57

I don't recall saying he didn't matter. And he can very well start his own thread, surely that isn't up for dispute? I think it's more important to help the OP, she has been told several times now that there is no excuse for slapping.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:07:19

More of a response to Janey completely ignoring the OPS problems than a comment on the slapping itself.

But you believe what you like, if a bunch of strangers on mn choose to believe I condone husband slapping because I suggested a thread move, feel free grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 21:09:33

I suggested she move to relationships because it is more supportive there - she had people arguing amongst themselves on her thread, mainly about whether she was genuine or not.

I don't care that she slapped him - there I said it.

OP is devastated - she is likely to be far weaker than her husband, and she is feeling utterly violated, betrayed and lied to.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:12:09

'I don't care that she slapped him - there I said it. '


MrCabDriver Thu 13-Mar-14 21:13:28

You said he admitted that he had the photos but denies photo shopping or taking any of you .... who are they of then?

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 21:14:06

FFS the slapping isn't the issue. OK it's not ideal but OP knows that. But she isn't the abuser here. He has violated her privacy and decency by doing this and she is being criticised for being angry.

This is typical mums net - and it pisses me off. This poor woman is in the process of discovering that her marriage is in serious trouble and seeks help but gets abuse and hassle and has her own issue ignored or negated just because she did something wrong.

He sounds like a total and utter shit. I'd have slapped him if I was her.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 21:17:07

OP there is plenty of support for you here. It will take some time for all this to sink in. You don't have to make any decisions straight away.

Usually posters would advise that you ask him to move out for a bit to give you some space and some time to think about what has happened and where you want to go from here.

You can't think straight when you have him hanging around, either wanting you to forgive him or just forget about it. You are not in a position to do either of those right now, you need some time.

Would he go somewhere for a few days do you think, if you asked him? If not it's going to be extra difficult for you to cope but you will be ok. If you want to talk to someone you could call womens aid or rape crisis. Both of those would be able to put you in touch with support lines.

And keep posting here if it helps. Just ignore unsupportive posts and focus on those that are useful to you x

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:31:12

Pennies, the slapping is an issue, it should be an issue, the 'poor woman' wouldn't be a 'poor man' if it was a bloke slapping his wife.

Slapping him is abuse and the OP should be told it is.

Would you prefer domestic violence situations not to be commented on, to be ignored because they don't have anything to do with the subject in hand?

Bollocks to that.

slithytove Thu 13-Mar-14 21:32:52

So maybe the OP needs to start a new thread then if this is all that's going to be talked about

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 21:39:31

Agent Zigzag - I think you are distorting the issue to suit your own agenda, and seeking to kick her when she's already down. Nice. hmm

If I did this to my DH and he slapped me I would recognise it for what it was - a moment of extreme anger after being utterly humiliated by me. I wouldn't forever think of him as some kind of serial wife beater.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:43:40

Someone picking up on a domestic violence issue is distorting things for their own agenda?

Yeah, I suppose I am in that I've been on both sides of it and don't like people trying to minimize it as 'just' a slap because the other person 'deserved' it.

How many times has that been over the years by men.

Has the OP said this was a one off?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 21:44:00

Yeah - I may, in the heat of the moment, slap someone that took surreptitious photos of my vagina/photoshopped someone else's vagina into my photo. The violation I would feel would be unreal.

But then, I'm as weak as a kitten compared to my dh - he'd barely flinch.

If he hit me, I'd need medical attention. I'm not trying to minimise f-m domestic violence - I know it happens. This isn't it.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:44:43

*has that been used over the years by men?

winterkills Thu 13-Mar-14 21:46:43

What exactly are you trying to achieve here Agentzigzag? You are pushing a very wrong-headed agenda that does nothing for the campaign against DV. You are also hijacking the OP's thread where people are trying to support her. It's really poor behaviour.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 21:47:02

OP is not domestically abusing her husband. She slapped him in a moment of rage after finding he's somehow got photos of her in pornographic poses on his pc. Photos she has not posed for.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 21:50:19

I think ZigZag wants us all to agree that violence within a relationship, even a provoked one-off, is inexcusable.

If so, I don't think that she's being unreasonable.

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 21:52:09

"Has the OP said this was a one off?" - she hasn't. Neither has she said that she slaps him on a regular basis.

Agent Zigzag - I'm sorry that you've been on both sides of DV. I am not minimising it. I am just saying that on the basis of the info the OP has given this is not an ongoing DV situation. She justifiably saw red, and lost control. Unfortunate and regrettable - yes. Abuser - no. It's important to differentiate.

OP - I hope the derailment of your thread hasn't put you off from seeking advice. I am so sorry he's done this to you. sad

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 21:54:04

OK - OP you shouldn't have slapped you husband, nor thrown his clothes at him. Nobody should ever hit anyone. Now can we get back to the point?

He had pornographic, highly explicit photos of her on his pc - how did they get there without her knowledge or consent?

OP - I hope you're ok.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 21:55:28

It's not poor behaviour to pick up on domestic violence when I see it winterkills.

I'm not hijacking the thread by talking about something the OP has written and admitted to, and I'm not doing the DV 'cause' damage by discussing what I think is wrong.

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 21:57:32

In this case it is poor behaviour and yes you are causing damage to the issue of DV.

Blarblarblar Thu 13-Mar-14 22:01:31

Please please AgentZigzag go start your own thread questioning societies acceptance of domestic violence towards men and let this poor woman get some help and support.

winterkills Thu 13-Mar-14 22:02:09

When you see it agentzigzag - others don't see it and you don't own the debate on DV no matter what your experience.

To equate the OP's reaction with violence used to damage and dominate and torment is very wrong. If you want to debate what constitutes DV why not start your own thread and leave this OP out of it, she's got enough to contend with.

hoobypickypicky Thu 13-Mar-14 22:02:35

"Or am I the only one here who thinks hitting, throwing things and screaming at someone is far more serious than a girlie pic of a wife on a PC"

No, lazyjaney, you're not.

There are some shocking, awful domestic violence apologists on here. A crime of violence is a crime of violence, regardless of gender.

AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 22:05:36

The OP started this thread winterkills and I don't think I've broken any guidelines, if you find my views offensive report my posts.

ukatlast Thu 13-Mar-14 22:06:32

I seem to be in the minority but I think you are overreacting - he is clearly just sexually frustrated - he admits as much. You have now assaulted him so it's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other really.
If everything is hunkydory apart from this one thing, it would be weird to let it ruin your marriage. Only you can answer that.

Going to the police is a step along the road of ending your marriage...if it was all just on his computer for personal use...I may not like it but don't see the big issue except that you didn't know. It's not crime of the century to look at a picture of your spouse even if it does have a bit of porn superimposed with photoshop.

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 22:06:52
AgentZigzag Thu 13-Mar-14 22:12:04

Wanting to punch someone and not controlling yourself and actually punching them are two totally different things Pennies.

I'm surprised you think they're the same.

Thinking you want to punch the wanker down the pub and choosing to walk over and do it is what makes the difference to the police.

Calloh Thu 13-Mar-14 22:12:11

Domestic violence is undoubtedly awful and is perpetrated by women toward men and very variation but the fear of physical abuse is surely the waves of hopelessness and pain when you are unable to fend off an abusive partner intent on hurting you, with power over you and living with the fear of them going off to any moment.

What happened here was much, much less than ideal but it is not really a prolonged case of domestic abuse. - surely?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 22:13:43

Exactly calloh.

Fingerbobs Thu 13-Mar-14 22:16:08

"She justifiably saw red, and lost control. Unfortunate and regrettable - yes. Abuser - no. It's important to differentiate".

You are joking, right? Or a high court judge from the 1970s? Justifiably? There is never an excuse. Never. I am really sorry for the OP in what is clearly a horrible situation. But she's not going to be helped by excusing her own shit behaviour. Justifiable my arse.

OP rather than having your parents kill your partner perhaps they could look after your DD for the weekend whilst you and talk properly about what's going on here. You obviously can't deal with it while she's there. I'm sorry this has happened and hope you are able to get to what has gone on.

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 22:18:52

My sentence has a comma in it. She was justified in seeing red. I am NOT saying she was right to hit him. It is not against any law to see red.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 22:21:12

Look, someone (a male poster) on FWR recently, who deals with male victims of dv, said that no client he has spoken said they were suffering because they had seen mum kicking ten kinds of shit out of dad. It was always the other way round.

Get it in perspective ffs.

mummyinbonniescotland Thu 13-Mar-14 22:27:25

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I'm so tired tonight. I think I have sobbed and screamed myself hoarse.

My employers have a counselling service. You can self refer, no one needs to know why, not even your manager, so I think I'll arrange something tomorrow. I need to speak to someone but I'm not comfortable speaking to someone I know, not even my mum.

I just need time to think things through.

In the meantime, Dh is sleeping in DD's room and she's in with me. She thinks its a special treat. I haven't made any decisions yet.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 22:29:34

And of course, what is being forgotten here, is that many a male partner who has murdered his partner has got off on a dubious charge/sentence because of provocation. Carmen (Gaby) Buchachra anyone?

Stop derailing. This is not dv.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 13-Mar-14 22:30:41

sabrina my DSS pretty much refuses to see his DM for that exact reason.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Mar-14 22:32:21

Xpost op. Do what you have to. Hope you are ok. I think it's a gross betrayal - but only you can decide what to do.

Pennies Thu 13-Mar-14 22:34:48

Good idea about getting the counselling, OP.

MrsTomHardy Thu 13-Mar-14 22:45:08

Op does he know you've spoken to the police?

quietlysuggests Thu 13-Mar-14 22:51:50

Are you thinking about getting somebody to check the computer to see if they can find the folder?
I think that would be my next step.

weeonion Thu 13-Mar-14 22:54:31

zigzag - in this instance you may possibly be confusing situational couple violence with domestic abuse. They have very different underlying motivations. Check out the work of Michael Johnson -

OP - sorry for what has happened to you and hope you can get all the RL support you need.

Joysmum Thu 13-Mar-14 22:57:16

I'd be doing all I could to recover that file so you have the file names. Then I'd run a trace on each to find out if any have been posted/shared online.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 13-Mar-14 23:07:19

OP, did you do a system restore? Try that, setting the restore point to a day or two before you found the file.

ViviPru Thu 13-Mar-14 23:12:03

But says he's never photoshopped me, never taken pictures without my knowledge. Only pictures he's ever taken are from that trip to the doctors.

You'd know if this was plausible? You'd remember the pre-doctor pictures being taken, whereabouts, time of day etc. You'd be able to equate that with the shocking unexpected image you saw? You'd remember the incident and whether it would have been possible for him to get his own phone out in that time and take a picture without you realising?

seeminglyso Thu 13-Mar-14 23:23:56

OP firstly I am so sorry to hear what you are going through here and I would do what others have suggested to try to get those pictures back so you can really address the issue rather than have to continue to listen to denial. I would be beyond livid if this was my husband, in fact I would find it creepy and bizarre and would have reacted much as you did.

I have been off mums net for about two years now and reading this thread I know why... a person experiencing one of the shittiest times of her life only to have sanctimonious drivel spouted at her like she is a five year old child. ''Hitting is not okay, you can never be justified, even if you have just been totally crushed and realised your husband is not the man you thought he was and has treated you like an object of gratification''. OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!

LEMmingaround Thu 13-Mar-14 23:47:26

Hang on - where the fuck did the OP say she hit him? Fuck me, id have kicked my DP in the balls if i were the OP to be frank.

LEMmingaround Thu 13-Mar-14 23:49:10

Musical endorphins - thts a brilliant idea - system restore is the way to go, i can't remember how to do it but its pretty straight forward i think.

Caitlin17 Fri 14-Mar-14 00:08:55

I don't think a system restore restores deleted data. It's meant to restore the system (ie the operating system) to an earlier state, not the data. It's easy to do but it's really to reverse system changes/software updates.

If you really know what you are doing you can recover data but it's much more difficult.

spottyblanket Fri 14-Mar-14 00:33:33

If that was my husband his penis hard-drive would be on the A66 by now.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Fri 14-Mar-14 01:01:42

I have no comment on the incident specific to this thread. Although op I'm sorry about the photos you found it must be terrible for you at mo.


I have heard of people who have been devastated as adults growing up in a household of mother against father dv

So my point is it is irrelevant who is perpetuating domestic violence, but it is massively important that is is happening at all.

Idocrazythings Fri 14-Mar-14 03:17:08

It all seems very odd OP, and I just wonder if you seeing the images on the computer has triggered a red flag to you for some other reason? Maybe one you're not quite aware of yet but perhaps lots of little things are starting to fall into place?.

I think you are right to examine it and work out why you are feeling like this rather than sweep it under the carpet. In my marriage your reaction would be an overreaction (like a previous poster has commented), but for you it's not. That's ok, there must be a reason for it, whether it's something as simple as very high morals or something more sinister. Only you would know, not us internet strangers. I really feel for you, and hope you can work it out.

I think you're very brave to stand by your principles, hopefully you can ignore all the posters bickering over other issues on your thread.

FabBakerGirl Fri 14-Mar-14 06:22:33

"girlie pics" hmm

That is so not what these are.

What the OP did in slapping her husband was over in a second and only the two of them know about it. What he appears to have done is on the internet, potentially, so could be seen by many people and is a total violation of her. She hurt him for a few seconds, if at all. He has hurt her probably forever. Obviously she shouldn't have hit him but I can certainly understand why she did.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 14-Mar-14 07:03:49

I have been off mums net for about two years now and reading this thread I know why... a person experiencing one of the shittiest times of her life only to have sanctimonious drivel spouted at her like she is a five year old child. ''Hitting is not okay, you can never be justified, even if you have just been totally crushed and realised your husband is not the man you thought he was and has treated you like an object of gratification''. OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!

Yes. Exactly. It's so fucking annoying.

honeythewitch Fri 14-Mar-14 07:55:26

for some reason.....

"OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!"

provokes less reaction than...

"OP if I was in your situation I would have ripped her tits off!"

BOFtastic Fri 14-Mar-14 08:07:33

The reason for that is that there's a difference between what is obviously hyperbole, and the reality of male violence against women, as two of us still end up dead every week. HTH.

Fairenuff Fri 14-Mar-14 08:14:50

So glad you are going to speak with your counsellor OP. You have been so brave speaking to the police too. Sometimes it takes weeks for people to build up the courage to do that.

This isn't going to go away on it's own though and I think it is vital for you to try and recover the lost images. Until then, everything is too vague to really understand what went on.

Saying that, you don't have to take this any further if you don't want to, it would be perfectly reasonable to just say enough is enough and ask him to leave. Personally, I don't see how you could ever recover from something like this. Your own dh has violated you and is showing a complete lack of respect or care by continuing to lie to you.

Where else is there to go, he won't budge, you have to either accept it and forget about it or tell him it's over. Sorry, OP, not much choice at the moment. If you get the images back he might be willing to talk properly I suppose.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 09:37:02

OP, dont wait too long before you take his computer to the police if you have in mind taking this further.

You dont want him to "lose" his laptop or drop it in the Thames by accident.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 09:37:58

"OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!"

One should not joke about this. A man was found without his penis cut off this morning. A terrible thing to happen to a man.

Lazyjaney Fri 14-Mar-14 09:38:40

It's clear Mumsnetters dont take female on male violence very seriously judging by the minimising on this thread:

"I don't care that she slapped him - there I said it"

"I've also not commented on how right or wrong anyone is for slapping. Not the issue here and has no bearing on what has happened to the OP"

"FFS the slapping isn't the issue. OK it's not ideal but OP knows that. But she isn't the abuser here"

"OP is not domestically abusing her husband. She slapped him in a moment of rage"

"I am just saying that on the basis of the info the OP has given this is not an ongoing DV situation. She justifiably saw red, and lost control"

''OP if I was in your situation I would have had his balls off"

"Hang on - where the fuck did the OP say she hit him? Fuck me, id have kicked my DP in the balls if i were the OP to be frank"

"zigzag - in this instance you may possibly be confusing situational couple violence with domestic abuse. They have very different underlying motivations"

What the OP did in slapping her husband was over in a second and only the two of them know about it"

"The reason for that is that there's a difference between what is obviously hyperbole, and the reality of male violence against women"

...never mind the very many posts indirectly arguing that bringing up the OP 's violence is a rude diversion, these 2 posts being typical.

"Stop derailing. This is not dv"

"I think you're very brave to stand by your principles, hopefully you can ignore all the posters bickering over other issues on your thread"

...and these are just from the last 2 pages, there were many absolute peaches before that (women can't really hurt men, you know...)

Especially as you just know these same selfsame posters would have been going absolutely berserk in their condemnation if the sexes were reversed, regardless of how justifiable or not it was.

Bunch of complete and utter hypocrites

But it's worse than hypocrisy, as the casual normalisation on here shows that in the minds of many MNers, hitting their (male) partners is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. If this thread is anything to go by I suspect female on male domestic violence is massively underestimated.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 09:38:47

When will I learn about double negations, of course he was not ^found without his penis cut off", but WITH his penis cut off.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 09:42:42

So women cannot react when they are violated? They should just sit like nice little dollies and take it?

I am gobsmacked that some people think one slap is a bigger crime than an act of sexual violation. Some people slap their childrens bottoms. And suddenly because the recipient is a man, it is a worse crime than violating a woman. Thats double standards.

slithytove Fri 14-Mar-14 09:48:03

Janey, once again, you are twisting words to suit your agenda. Saying that a slap is not the issue here does not mean it is not an issue at all. Just that the issue is someone making pornographic pictures of their wife. That is the issue. Not what comes after. Make sense? You also can't cry hypocrisy without knowing the person.

And are you really saying that one slap is a DV situation? My mum slapped me when I was about 16, once. Am I still suffering abuse? Or is a female slapping a female ok?

I think by doing this you are actually minimising what true DV is.

YouTheCat Fri 14-Mar-14 09:48:35

Excellently put, Quint.

Slapperati Fri 14-Mar-14 09:53:46

<likes Quint's post>

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 09:55:56

Totally agree with you Qunintezilla and what BOFtastic said.
There is a MASSIVE biological fact and that is the average man is twice stronger than the average woman. Most men can fight off most women. It does not work the other way around.

Those who go on about men when we talk about domestic violence really minimise the experience of women who fear for their lives and can easily end up dead at the hands of their partner. That is not to even start on the issue of women who suffer sexual assault and rape at the hands of partners. Get a grip no one says it doesn't happen to men but I think you have all been watching too much of coronation street thinking there is a Tyrone on every road, there isn't and there are no statistics to suggest there are.

•Men as victims: Research conducted with male respondents to the Scottish Crime Survey 2000 found that men were less likely to have been repeat victims of domestic assault, less likely to be seriously injured and less likely to report feeling fearful in their own homes. The survey retraced men who were counted as victims in the Scottish Crime Survey and found that a majority of the men who said that they were victims of domestic violence, were also perpetrators of violence (13 of 22). A significant number of the men re-interviewed (13 out of 46) later said they had actually never experienced any form of domestic abuse (Scottish Executive Central Research Unit, 2002).

IceBeing Fri 14-Mar-14 09:57:22

I could't count on my fingers the number threads I have seen where a one off slap by a man has been more than enough for people to suggest LTB.

Photoshopping/ images without consent is certainly also enough to LTB.

But I don't see the one negates the other.

The OP hasn't sat around like a dolly...she has taken other very sensible action. But one thing she did crossed a line that makes a lot of us uncomfortable.

formerbabe Fri 14-Mar-14 10:03:16

Unless the op is over 6 foot and a female rugby player with a black belt in karate, I am gonna guess that her husband was not in any immediate physical danger from the slap doled out to him.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 10:12:42

Abuse can happen both ways, man to woman and woman to man.

But in this scenario, it is the case of a man who has deliberately and over time, behind ops back, violated her systematically.

Op has had a knee jerk reaction to this and slapped him.

I think some of the people who focus more on this slap than on the real issue, and in fact derail from the issue and as such preventing the op from accessing support, should take a long and hard look at themselves and examine why it is they think that a womans knee jerk reaction is worse than long term violation.

Why not just accept that the slap was wrong and move on to the real issue, which is what op is asking for support about?

OP has been violated, sexually, by her husband, for fuck's sake.

Those of you who are gleefully putting the boot into her for her aggression (oh the irony) have clearly lost sight of this appalling fact.

I hope you get to the truth soon, OP. It's not looking good.

Lazyjaney Fri 14-Mar-14 10:31:20

"And are you really saying that one slap is a DV situation?"

So how many times do you have to hit someone before it becomes DV then?

All DV starts with the first strike. And if it's so casually dismissed, as on here, then why not another. And another....after all, it's not the real issue and the ends always justify the means, right?

Marmotte3 Fri 14-Mar-14 10:34:15

On the file recovery, this might help, I use their other tools, haven't needed to use this yet:

monkeynuts123 Fri 14-Mar-14 10:41:41

I'd quite happily chop this blokes cock off and serve him it for lunch.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 10:47:46

Lazyjaney, why dont you come back with your dv scenario on a dv thread, when there has been a couple of slaps that are in an abusive context, as opposed to a context where the person who slapped acted in response to being violated?

What is your Agenda?

monkeynuts123 Fri 14-Mar-14 10:47:56

No seriously of course not (just realised that made me sound entirely nuts blush ) but if I were OP I would have felt an enormous rage at her husbands vile actions. Her slapping him is nothing in this context. Personally if I were her I would prosecute the arse off him (I bet there is more on his computer and who knows what of) and hopefully he'll do a very short spell in prison where someone else will sexually humiliate and take advantage of him. Yes women are supposed to be demure even in the face of sexual violence and the fact that other women also perpetuate that is the most depressing part of it.

MissingTheMountain Fri 14-Mar-14 10:48:08

OP - On a practical level, you don't have much time.

If your husband is quite technical, he may well have overwritten the deletion already. While you can usually recover deleted files unless they are hard-wiped, they can be overwritten, and that tends to corrupt the deleted file.

If you want to recover the image, you'll need to do that quickly. You could run a program like those listed above - Recuva is pretty well known. There is no point doing a Windows Restore, because that rolls back operating system errors, but leaves data intact. The instructions do mention this before you start the process.

You could take it to the police, if they'd be willing to look at it, but he'd likely be without his computer for quite some time then, and in reality, it'd probably end your marriage.

You could also take it to a computer specialist, but there are downsides to this, too - namely that you'd need to tell them what you are looking for, as well as knowing that they'd see the images, and the fact that if they did recover something that you did want to inform the police about, the computer specialist would need to be in good-standing because you can bet your bottom dollar that DH's solicitor would try to suggest that they put the images there. There are a few computer places around here that won't recover files for this reason.

Your best bet would be to recover the files yourself, which shouldn't be difficult. Look for hidden files, and run a recovery tool. In all likelihood, if that returns nothing, than you are unlikely to be able to get them back without significant investment.

I don't think you'll be able to move on from this emotionally until you've seen what he has, because it'll always be on your mind that there could be other things, that he could be lying. For that reason, I'd find the files and make sure you know exactly what you are dealing with. It's only from that point that you can move forward and decide what you want. Especially if he's lying.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 10:48:30

Why is it so important for you that this op is prevented from getting support on her own thread?

slithytove Fri 14-Mar-14 10:48:51

Yes Janey, but what if it really is just one? A massive mistake not to be repeated. Still DV?

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 10:48:59

That was to lazyjaney

IceBeing Fri 14-Mar-14 10:53:30

quint people responding about DV are responding to the people saying it was fine for her to hit him or that they would have done worse.

They aren't responding to the OP directly. The best way to shut up the people talking about DV is to 1. agree it was a mistake (which the OP already did!) 2. stop posting things like 'I would chop his dick off' when we all know the equivalent posted about a woman would have us all up in arms.

No one is saying the OP hasn't suffered the worst of this, people are only saying that slapping her DP wasn't on...and occasionally pointing out that it is even more important to keep her cool right now when this might end up in court etc.

slithytove Fri 14-Mar-14 10:55:46

Ice there are a few people ignoring what the OP has and is suffering in order to pursue the DV road. Which is an issue yes but not one for this thread or this person who clearly needs help and support. How many times does the slap have to be mentioned? On every supportive post?

"Yes here is some advice and support and care and ideas BUT YOU SHOULDNT HAVE SLAPPED HIM". I think she gets it.

Quinteszilla Fri 14-Mar-14 10:58:38

So can we stop with the balls chopping already, and everybody get back to the point?

<chop chop> or I will send my collie on you lot! wink

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 11:00:42

Icebeing I don't think under these circumstances she would end up in court! What a gross exaggeration and total nonsense. I think you will find that aside from the individuals spouting sanctimonious clap trap about DV on here, the vast majority of the public would think she was within her rights to be infuriated and violated and a judge would throw the case out!

GarthsUncle Fri 14-Mar-14 11:02:00

I think by in court ice meant divorce or custody hearings, not criminal court.

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 11:05:57

Did she...well I know where CAFCASS would stand on that one too!

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 11:10:19

OP I would seize the laptop and get all those files recovered as once the hard drive is destroyed you will have no evidence. I agree with the poster above you wont move on until you have seen the files. They are easily recovered and it will resolve this for you to some extent. Let us know how you get one. My heart goes out to you as I know I too would be mortified in your situation.

slithytove Fri 14-Mar-14 11:16:21

I agree you need to see what is on that computer. and considering the way you are feeling I don't think your husband has any right to stop you taking it. Can dd stay with family for a few days?

anothermrssmith Fri 14-Mar-14 11:33:29

Have been reading this agog for the last couple of days, time to put my two cents in.

OP,so far I think the action you have taken is commendable,regardless of whether your husband has photoshopped these pictures or got you posing for them without your knowledge (I really hope not) he's hiding something and you need to get to the bottom of it. Talking to the police is a good first step and I hope you see the councillor today.

You said he is a wedding photographer, has he been busy recently? I only ask as my hubby is also a wedding photographer and things were very quiet for him last year so he had to diversify a bit to earn some more cash. If he's been quiet perhaps he's thinking of diversifying into other area and has ended up doing pornographic work, this MAY account for the other photos you saw that arent you. On a similar note he may have altered some perfectly innocent images of you to 'practice' working on this type of image. I know you didn't see the photo of you in detail but from what you did see did it look like a photo you had posed for innocently? Either way how he has behaved is at best odd and at worst vile,I hope you get some answers, and those files recovered.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 11:55:06

OP, you really need to be getting on with trying to recover deleted files to see if he deleted them. Like a previous poster said, they get overwritten so the sooner you do this the better chance you have of finding them. Is there a reason why you haven't tried to recover them yet?

I agree the slap wasn't on. I can understand how it happened, but violence in any situation never helps anything. Best thing to do now is to find out exactly what was on that computer, and then depending on what you find, take it to the police and let them deal with him.

IceBeing Fri 14-Mar-14 11:56:28

seem sorry - yes people meant if it came to custody disputes etc then it might not play well if she had a pattern of violence...certainly I didn't mean that a slap would have you in court by itself.

DennyDifferent Fri 14-Mar-14 12:05:16

I don't understand what he has admitted to and what he has denied. confused

WorraLiberty Fri 14-Mar-14 12:06:24

Why is he crying and begging forgiveness if he's done nothing wrong? What is it that he is sorry for?

I'm glad someone asked this.

OP, when you get back, I wonder if you could answer it?

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 12:26:23

IceBeing Yes on re reading I recognise that is what you were saying. She doesn't have a pattern of violence and I maintain most would view this as a reasonable response under the circumstances given her feelings at the time.

I like the idea the othermrssmith said and could account for his actions and is worth exploring but I think it would be clutching at straws and certainly don't offer this as an explanation as he may grab it and try to run with it.

As for people commenting that 'the slap wasn't on' take no notice, which I am sure you don't. Its just those with delusions of grandeur thinking you might actually give a shit about their moral superior high ground. Good Luck OP.

AnotherMonkey Fri 14-Mar-14 12:30:15

OP I hope you're ok. It's a real shame this thread has been derailed to such an extent but as others have said, there is some extremely sound advice amongst all the bickering.

Things you know for sure:
a) those pictures were there
b) now they're not
c) your DH is still not giving a straight answer

I would be having a long chat with DH, to include recovery of the trash folder and involving the police together, if he continues to claim there is nothing for you to worry about. I would also send him off to look for his own stuff if he needs it during this time.

If this was my thread, it would be more a case of 'if' I was back than 'when' but there are still people here supporting you OP.

I really hope you can find some RL support too.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 12:43:53

It has got nothing to do with a moral high ground. I was slapped myself as a one off, as a child from my mother and as an adult in a relationship and it changed things for me. I could never relax around them again. I had a right to not be attacked and they violated that.

I have already said I can understand why the OP did it, just that it shouldn't of happened still. As adults, we should be able to control ourselves.

But then again, what her husband has done has already done damage to their relationship so it wouldn't be the slap that causes the damage. All I was saying is that violence doesn't solve anything though. And if she doesn't find anything, and he decides to play nasty in any custody battles, it won't be easy for the OP. It is always best to leave violence out of it.

formerbabe Fri 14-Mar-14 12:51:37

How patronising straitjacket!

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 12:54:42

Straitjacket Your experience of being a child being slapped by an adult is not comparable. You were the weaker of the two, hence the way you have internalised your experience. The latter is the reverse in this situation (I am assuming given majority of men are physically bigger than women) so bears no resemblance or comparison and is immaterial to the debate.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 13:01:48

How is it patronising?

And seeming, I was giving my experience to you because you was saying that others were on a moral high ground. I am not. I just have personal experience of violence in my past and that is why I now have a belief that it doesn't have a place in a relationship unless in self defence. But I have already said I understand why the OP did it. We all do stupid things in anger, although that doesn't excuse it. But I do think this husband of hers can and probably will use it against her. This is why I have advised her twice to quickly get that computers deleted files restored!

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 13:03:30

Oh, and with the greatest of respect, don't assume anything. I wouldn't of added my whole story without some of it having some resemblance.

monkeynuts123 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:13:47

Seeing how this most reasonable of all aibu of all time has been turned against the op it gives reassurance to those of us who have been pummeled to the floor on aibu to seek lesser comfort and advice.

formerbabe Fri 14-Mar-14 13:15:02

The whole 'violence never solves anything' line is patronising. The op is a grown woman not a 5 year old.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 13:20:29

Sorry, I wasn't saying that to the OP. That was me talking to everyone else who keep coming out with "I would chop his balls off" and the likes.

Sorry OP, I really am not out to offend you. I really do think you need to get on that computer and try to get back that file. I am on your side. My point is just that he could turn nasty later on and use try and use it against you. I have known it to happen (and fail albeit, although it caused soooo much more stress and hurt for my friend. So try to stay calm for now and get hold of that computer!)

MeepMeepVrooom Fri 14-Mar-14 13:39:04

Sorry but where is the proof of the slap in RL?

It hasn't been reported presumably, no one else was witness. I can't see this slap being used against OP at any point in the future successfully. She is the one that has had to seek legal advice from the police.

Should she have done it? No. Should she forever feel guilty about it? No. This isn't an abusive woman, it's a woman who's husband has quite possibly betrayed her in on of the worst possible ways and snapped. Fuck sake, I don't have a short temper but I honestly think it would take a saint not to lash out in this position.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 13:55:45

You don't know there is no proof. I took a picture of my face when my partner had slapped me. Just because I knew the mark would go a few hours later and then he would think all would be fine then and be forgotten.

Don't encourage the OP to just forget that this happened. No, she shouldn't feel guilty but we have no idea what her husband has done. She had no idea what he has been upto with these photos which proves how devious he can be. She needs to be careful.

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 13:58:05

And by being careful I mean not giving him any more ammunition and getting on that computer and finding out exactly what he is capable of.

MeepMeepVrooom Fri 14-Mar-14 14:10:41

Well he could take a photo but I certainly look like his extra culicular activities involve photographic manipulation so how seriously it would be taken is anyone's guess. I didn't say the OP should forget but I don't see the point in dwelling on it either

MeepMeepVrooom Fri 14-Mar-14 14:11:52

And I have been a victim of DV. This to me isn't the same. Not because of sex reversal but because of circumstance.

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 14:14:00

* DennyDifferent Fri 14-Mar-14 12:05:16*
I don't understand what he has admitted to and what he has denied.

No me neither; Going solely on the OPs posts, she has fleetingly seen a photo of herself but posing in a sexually explicit way that she does not recall.

We (and the OP) do not know how this photo came into being. Her DH claims he has NOT photoshopped a picture of her.

There are also sexually explicit close-up images, not of her.

I understand how this could be deeply upsetting for the OP, but IMO not enough has been made of HOW the naked photo of the OP has come into being.

The DH is clearly very rattled by this, suggesting he has been behaving in an underhand worrying manner, perhaps the OP has just seen he tip of the iceberg. It could be argued that the origin of the image doesn't matter, the fact it's there at all is enough.

It would be very revealing though to learn the DH's explanation for the legs-apart photo of her. A rational explanation from him resulting in the OP facepalming with an "Oh yes I remember! Silly me!" sounds very unlikely, but even so, this entire thread, the OPs current situation and her deep distress all stems from one image she saw very briefly and that she can't be sure of who or what it really depicts.....

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 14:16:19

He does sound like a sneaky fucker!

Straitjacket Fri 14-Mar-14 14:19:56

I agree Meep, but as previous poster just said, maybe this is the tip of the iceberg. We don't know what this man is hiding, or how devious he actually is.

All I am advising the OP is just to be careful and not to give him any ammunition. Surely that is sensible advice? She thought she knew this man, but obviously not. She has no idea what he is capable of. He may of got police advice himself saying she attacked him, or got a friend to take a picture etc. God knows what he could of done.

OP needs to tread carefully and try her best to get hold of that file!

PiperRose Fri 14-Mar-14 14:20:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PiperRose Fri 14-Mar-14 14:20:54

On the block

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 14-Mar-14 14:23:28

No need for it on the thread, surely? Just report.

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 14:24:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 14:24:57

Its this line that confuses me

''But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD''.

''I dont remember''...You either did pose or you didn't?

'even if I had' .... '...Again you either did or you didn't?

MeepMeepVrooom Fri 14-Mar-14 14:28:25

Piper I know what you mean...

I've already asked about how several pictures were remembered in detail and the name of the file when OP said she wasn't paying much attention x'ing out.

Also the has he admitted it or not.

But giving the benefit of the doubt that it is true I think there is possibly more to the story.

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 14:28:26

This is what baffles me:
I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

If I saw sexually explicit close-ups on my DHs laptop, particularly ones depicting unfamiliar carefully polished nails as the OP recalls mine are a fucking state my first assumption would NOT be that these images were "pictures of MY privates" confused

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 14:29:26

But giving the benefit of the doubt that it is true I think there is possibly more to the story.

I agree

mummyinbonniescotland Fri 14-Mar-14 17:06:27

I have an appt with a counsellor next week. I'm at my mums now.

NotsoDH has admitted to watching porn and having naked pictures of me. It's still not clear how he got them.

He strongly denies photoshopping pictures. He also says he's never put them on the net, shown them to anyone else, been with anyone else.

He's sorry for hurting me and lying to me. Me and dd are the most impt people to him yadda yadda.

He's sorry for putting me at risk of the image being seen/used by anyone else. He's sorry for risking dd seeing them.

He keeps saying sorry and using the words 'bad decision'

I hope this answers some questions.

seeminglyso Fri 14-Mar-14 17:11:46

When you asked him how he got them what did he say?

hamptoncourt Fri 14-Mar-14 17:13:01

So if he didn't photo shop them, are you concluding that he drugged you to take the photos, since you do not recall having them taken?

zzzzz Fri 14-Mar-14 17:14:10

But HOW did he get posed naked pictures of you?

ukatlast Fri 14-Mar-14 17:14:19

''NotsoDH has admitted to watching porn and having naked pictures of me'

Neither of these is a crime, I don't think.

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 17:17:18


YouTheCat Fri 14-Mar-14 17:17:35

I'd say taking naked pictures without consent is a crime.

ViviPru Fri 14-Mar-14 17:24:05

My 'Quite' was to zzzzz. They may or may not be a crime, how the got them is the question.....

VeryStressedMum Fri 14-Mar-14 17:35:14

So, did he actually take the photos of women's vaginas? We're they photos or has he taken them off the internet or somewhere else?
Are you upset because he has porn like images on his computer or because he has taken photos of other women? Or because he has that photo of you on there? Sorry I'm just a bit confused.

slithytove Fri 14-Mar-14 17:38:33

I found out the other day that oh had taken a video while we were having sex. No faces, just thrusting. (Tmi, sorry) While I was pissed off, I didn't delete it and was happy to leave the matter there, other than a bit of teasing now and again. I did make it clear that it was a violation.

Anyway, my point was, that this wasn't a big deal for us.

I am in no way saying your reaction is wrong. I am wondering though what else you may be concerned about or what might have gone on for this to be a possible relationship breaker for you.

Do you think he drugged you? I am confused and worried that he has naked photos he has admitted are you, but that you can't think of a single chance he had to take them. Especially if your face is in them.

Until you know how he's got the picture of you you will never be able to believe anything else he says.

piratecat Fri 14-Mar-14 17:55:40

why won't he tell you how he did them?

Logg1e Fri 14-Mar-14 18:38:15

Can anyone else imagine hearing this confession and not asking how he got the photos??

FabBakerGirl Fri 14-Mar-14 18:39:49

Why is it not clear how he got them? Because he won't tell you. I would be telling him until he tells you exactly how he got them there will be no communication and I would insist he leaves the family home.