AIBU to want to be more important than the ex wife?(184 Posts)
Partner of 6.5 years. We don't live together and he has had real issues with boundaries with his ex wife (divorced 2 years before we met, she left him). Had spent countless hours sorting it out.
One thing that he promised me was that he would always speak to me before agreeing to a variation of the usual childcare pattern with her. She requests that he varies the pattern on a weekly basis and his default has always been "yes" irrespective of whether we have plans. I have spent many evenings sat alone in the theatre/cinema when she has asked him to switch nights with him at the last minute and we already have tickets...
Anyway, I've been away with work and we haven't seen each other much. He hates me being away/doing things without him so I have had ALOT of texts with him being "needy".
This weekend we have time to spend together. Saw him briefly on Wednesday but I spent the time "helping" him - his washing machine is broken so he bought over about 6 loads of washing which I have done. I've also helped him with some work stuff.
We planned a day having along walk with the dog in the sunshine, a meal out and then go to the cinema. Lovely.
Then he tells me his ex wife wants a night out and his almost 18 year old son is working. So he needs to take him to work. His ex is 15 miles away so at 5pm he needs to drive the 15 miles, pick up son, take him 5 miles to work and then drive the 20 miles back. OK, an annoyance, but fine.
EXCEPT, he then needs to do the whole thing again at 11pm when his son finishes work. So we can squeeze in the meal but cinema is out and he'll be clock watching all night. Refuses to suggest son gets a cab. Said yes to ex wife without even mentioning it to me. Said he'll leave at 10.30 and be back around midnight.
I am sooooo angry that he is prioritising his ex-wife's social life over me. It is SO rare for us to have a Saturday together as we both have our kids alternate weekends and his ex ALWAYS has some kind of "job" for him on the Saturdays we don't have the children.
In a fortnight it is his son's 18th and I won't see him all weekend as his son has made plans which only include my partner and his ex wife (excluding me and the ex's new husband) so this is our last chance for a month. I just wanted us to have a nice saturday together - but my partner thinks it is more important to allow his ex wife to go out unhindered by the responsibility of collecting her son from work.
It sounds as though it's his kids he's doing this for rather than his ex wife.
It's a weird way to treat an adult though. I see no reason at all why he couldn't have got a cab.
Why did you do his washing, instead of just showing him where the machine is?
No. I'd be furious. If his son is almost 18 he can get himself to work, surely? Why can't he get a cab?
Is he babying the son because he feels guilty about the divorce? Even if that's so, it's no excuse. He's doing his son no favours either. I have had similar issues with my DH at times, but nowhere near as bad as yours.
In your shoes, I'd be questioning whether I wanted to be in this relationship. Sorry.
This sounds totally mad and I agree with you that his son needs to sort himself out. I would feel similarly pissed off if I were you even though I would admire someone who is such a hands on dad.
What Worra said.
He is prioritising his children over his girlfriend, which is much as you'd expect.
But the ds could have got a cab. And dp sounds like a pain in the arse tbh, 'needy' texts and having you doing his washing? BONER KILLER.
So he can stand you up whenever he feels like it, but he doesn't like you doing things without him? Why are you with him?
He hates you being unavailable but you have to put up with him and he flighty ex wife?
Oh, the ex is taking the daughters out with her. Going to meet with family I think. If DP couldn't collect the son, she'd get back for 11 and do it herself. She just wants the flexibility to be later if she wants. It's mental that DP is driving all that way when ex might actually be home!
No child (of 18!) who is able to hold down a job needs to be taken to and from said job by his parents. He's ditching your plans for this?
Wives/girlfriends can come and go but your children are your children for life regardless of their age and I'm pretty sure we all would help our children out if we could. Perhaps your DP wanted to give his son a lift. Perhaps it's his way of still feeling connected to his family.
We broke up over this type of behaviour recently. When we got back together he promised to check with me before he agreed to childcare swaps etc because he has a rubbish memory, doesn't keep a diary, says an automatic "yes" to his ex and therefore lets me down ALOT.
For example, at Christmas we were due at my parents on boxing day to eat at 1pm. He had his kids xmas day and was returning them to their mother. He turned up at my Mum's at 3pm because he had to take son to work and ex wife didn't want to do it. It was basically my "chrismas day" and I ate with an empty seat next to me and the family looking sympathetic. On NYE he didn't show up at all because his ex wife had changed plans at the last minute.
My main issue with this weekend is that he broke his promise to check with me before saying yes.
He has his children at least 4 nights a week btw. He's the majority carer.
why are you with someone who is so needy
you yourself have called him needy
so it is either you or his ex organising his life
Well as someone who watches her ex continually prioritise his partner over his DC I think you are being a bit U but I am biased
You've broken up over this before, and he hasn't changed.
This current example is, perhaps, tip of iceberg but also, importantly, evidence that he isn't going to change. He's just fine with the boundaries as they are. You're not.
Is this now the deal breaker?
I agree with the others. It is more about him doing favours for his dc than his ex wife. His son is an adult! At 18 it is perfectly reasonable for your dp to turn round and say no he can't drive him about as he has plans and he therefore needs to get a taxi - as any normal 18 year old would. I used to work in a bar at 18, in roughest south London. I wouldn't dream of expecting my mum or dad to come and pick me up!!
I don't think this relationship sounds like much fun. Are you happy not living together? Not suggesting you should by the way but seems like a rather strange set up nearly 7 years in... you're doing his washing and going to the theatre on your own while he panders to everyone else. .?
Something has to be the deal breaker. I didn't see him on my 40th birthday because his ex was changing jobs and she organised her leaving do for that night so he had his kids instead of seeing me. We were supposed to be away for the weekend - he said he'd surprise me so I arranged my own childcare and booked the dog in kennels. And then ended up home alone with a take away
He needs to get a backbone and stand up to his ex. He is obviously putting his kids first but his ex wife is abusing the situation. Driving all that way to take his son to work seems a bit extreme. I don't think I would put up with let down all the time.
What age are the younger children? Couldn't the 18 year old babysit now and again?
Life is too short. Dump him and keep him dumped this time. The needy, whiny baby act would be enough reason for me, without the other stuff.
If he is the primary carer for younger children that does put a different slant on it. There is not much a resident parent can do if the other parent won't do their share, so whilst he shouldn't necessarily be running around after an 18 year old, I can understand why he puts his younger children first. The neediness would irritate me though.
Fairy - the distance made it difficulty initially to live together, we discussed it but have 5 kids between us in 4 different schools (soon to be 4 schools and 1 university).
Now, I am relieved we never did. He is useless with money and in a lot of debt. I have post-divorced debts too but am addressing them and they are shrinking fast. He runs out of money mid-month mostly and cannot put food on the table or fuel in the car. It is chaotic. He has no washing machine, dishwasher, his car is accident damaged and will fail the MOT next month (8th car in the time I have been with him). He holds down a professional job (with my help as we do the same job) but he is a nightmare.
Get rid. You've already split up once over this, he promised to change, he hasn't.
Basgetti - his wife is officially the primary carer and he pays maintenance to her (she is also a higher earner than him). BUT she ensures she has reasons for him to have the children an additional "unofficial" night or two a week. So his regular 3 nights become 4 every week and 5 some weeks. Plus additional time because he works school hours so he can. His kids are 18/16/12.
Ex wife won't allow the 18 or 16 year old to babysit the 12 year old when they are with their Dad. Says they are not mature enough...
Hmmm, I should have interrupted my dad's night out with his partner the other night. They went to Manchester for a meal and to a concert, and then stayed overnight in a hotel. I could have done with a fucking lift home from shopping rather than getting a taxi. I mean, I will always be his daughter. At 24 I still should still ALWAYS take priority over her. Not fair! <<Stomps feet>>
No idea why I am with him to be honest. Gives me a headache.
Op, why are you with man?
Just get rid for now, start dating other people - honestly, get on line and have some dates with men who don't stand you up. If he begs you to take him back, ignore. He doesn't mean what he says.
Once his youngest DC is 18, you might be able to have a relationship with him, but it's just not practical now. Stop trying to change him, this is who he is until his DCs are adults and just don't need him as much.
needaholiday - if you knew the 16 year old daughter, that's not far from the truth! I suspect he'll be doing this type of thing when she is 30!
Please do leave. You are wasting your years on him. Set uourself free and you will be surprised. There are a lot of good, caring men out there. He wants you available for him all the time but can not be bothered to do the same for you? This is sad. LTB.
Ex wife won't allow it? But she still goes out when she pleases and insists their Dad obliges (and he does, for an 18yo, a 16yo and a 12yo?). You two are going nowhere, op. I'm surprised you even want to.
Just bagged up his washing and put it in the shed. If he turns up, I'll tell him I've binned it. Bit childish but made me feel better!
Needaholiday, when you have grown up a little bit you will understand my point.
This is not an ex wife issue but your partner issue with his children. His son is an grown man and at his age no way would my dad delay his plans to take me to work! no way! They seem babied by their mother and father, which all seems bit sad to me.
I didn't see him on my 40th birthday because his ex was changing jobs and she organised her leaving do for that night so he had his kids instead of seeing me
Stop being a martyr and LTB.
It won't get any better than this.
What is the point of this?
The entire point of relationships is that they're meant to be fun, and enhance your life.
Stop fannying about and go and live your life, you only get one.
the issue is not his demanding ex wife, easy to get caught in that trap of blaming her
it is him not being as committed to you are you are to him or want him to be, that is a choice he is making and after all this time it is unlikely to change
MrsBennet I understand your point crystal clear. Your children will always be your children. But them children do become adults one day and they can't just rely on mummy and daddy whenever they see fit. My dad had plans, I am a grown woman and I perfectly CAPABLE of making my own way home. It isn't my RIGHT to request my dad drops his plans just because I am his daughter.
He has chosen to prioritise his kids, or you could say, the family unit that he formerly had, and that's what he wants. I would be doing the same if I were in that position, and I would be unapologetic to any potential partner about that, meaning that if it didn't suit a potential partner, I presume they'd have the sense to sling their hook.
This is not the relationship you're after, and the onus is not really on him to change the status quo (i.e., why would he change things when he gets a regular shag and things have more or less continued the same with the family unit?).
Just try and define what it is you want, dump this guy, and look for something that suits you better.
What exactly are you getting out of this?
I don't get it. Why can't the 18yr old either be bought a car or hey, novel idea I know, catch a bus.....?
The whole thing sounds like a complete waste of time. You obviously aren't happy with someone who has so many ties to his ex and older children. I'd find somebody else. This is just going to go on and on and on.
He is doing what dads do for their children. All of you complaining about the 18 year old needing a lift, he is presumably at school and has managed to get a part time job. Even if he can drive he may not have a car.
When my DS did this, he worked in a takeaway 10 miles away. No public transport. I had to take him there at 5pm and back at 11pm. Actually DH did it. It would have been easier to give him the cash to be honest.
Does he know he's history, yet OP?
You haven't mentioned one positive.
What's the point?
So his Ex w and him have been seperate for 8.6 years ( 2 years before you met)
And she arranges her work leaving do for the night of your 40th She must've known it was your birthday (and a milestone one at that)
Yes things like Christmas and New Year are family times, but you lost out there as well.
Like other posters I cannot see what you gain from this relationship.
YY he has his DC 4-5 nights.
YY he prioritises them.
But she's (the ExW) is still very much in the driving seat
You are never going to be more important- best to part.
He doesnt seem to have anything going for him does he.
If my 18 year old couldnt get himself to and from work as a one off, even if it meant me oaying for a taxi id think there was something seriously wrong.
Hes going to uni soon but cant get a taxi?
I sort of agree with 70isaLimit - ex-wife must've known your birthday would coincide with her leaving do... and the other times.
the ExW is still in the driving seat from what I can see (but you shouldn't have any excuse to be angry with her) but your DP is certainly being played or making his own decisions re his DCs and involvement with caring for them with the ex-Wife.
The ex-wife is calling the shots, despite being separated for so long. Your partner needs to toughen up and say 'no' occasionally. I know your partner wants to look after his children - that's only natural- bit after six years you should take priority over her social life. You shouldn't have to change your plans, because she has changed hers.
And she has a new husband? What sort of jobs does she need doing? Cant the new husband do them
Are you in the middle of nowhere which is why the son has to have a lift? If I were you, I'd get on and have a fantastic busy life and if he was free when I was free, then great.
youtlittlesecret - I suppose the point is that he has alternate weekends with the children. So on the weekends the children are with him, he does the lifts to and from work. He also often does the lifts on weeknights when he doesn't have the kids. The ex wife doesn't do the same for him. But on alternate Saturdays the kids are with their Mum and she has the responsibility of them - and that includes collecting her son from work. She has a husband to stay with the girls while she does that, or to do the lifts if she doesn't want to.
We had made plans for tonight after seeing each other just once in 2 weeks. He has cancelled our plans because at the last minute the ex wife has decided she wants to go out and "isn't sure" if she'll be back for 11. It seems ridiculous that our very rare "date night" should suffer just so she doesn't have to watch the clock to be back on time for her son.
I honestly don't know how or why you've put up with this for 6.5 year's. You really do need to LTB.
He might want to see his kids a bit more. Forget about the ex wife. She asks for favours (hardly a crime) and he says yes. But it might well be that he wants to see more of his children. Which is nice although it might bother you. I think that very very rarely do men do things they don't want to do.
At 18 he's not a child, and working. Bus or taxi.
Horrified by a lot of the responses on here. Let your kids turn into adults FFS.
yes but invicta the DP is being played by the ex-wife. and the DP is going along with it and either doesn't have any balls or doesn't want to make waves.
With my ex and I, the mother of his son (apart for 10 years) had almost total contract until about 2 years ago with contact/her ex-partner having her son at weekends. It was mostly when she wanted to go out and was also as childcare for the 2 younger children (under 10) she'd had by another partner. e.g. sometimes my ex would look after his son AND the 2 younger children.
If that was me I'd sort of be tempted to say get other childcare for the other kids or get a babysitter. I even mentioned maybe the 14 year old could babysit the 2 younger kids but really it was none of my business.
the ex-partner/wife and partner in any case it's between them to sort out childcare for their children NOT for the new partner to interfere with in my opinion.
Can you name me three good things about your relationship?
Because if not, what in the name of holy fuck is the point of it? You are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend, you have no shared commitments, it's supposed to be fun! Are you having any fun op?
Also I'd worry if after 6.5 years there's no other commitment from the DP and you both aren't even living together.
Big red flags the above imo.
"Jobs" recently include:
- Picking daughter up from Drama class (on Ex Wife's weekend) and driving her to the next City 30 miles away to meet up for lunch with ex wife and other daughter who were shopping there
- Helping ex wife to shop for a car
- Building a run for rabbits at ex wife's house
- staying in all day so ex wife and new husband can come at some non-arranged time to store some of new husband's furniture in my DP's garage (when new husband's house was finally sold)
- driving son to his grandmother's house (Ex wife's Mum) so son can do some maintenance work for her (and get paid for it) waiting while he works and then driving him home (80 mile round trip while ex wife sat at home)
Yes but you are still there, sucking it up. Time to piss or get off the pot. This will never change. He has no intention of prioritising you. He knows you will accept this and he's been right so far.
Simple question - why are you with him?
If the person you are with doesn't make your life happier with them in it than you would be without, then get rid.
Sorry OP - but the ex wife is pissing you around. I reckon she knows full well what she's doing, messing up perfectly reasonable arrangements you and your partner have made, in the knowledge he's so spineless and weak that he'll go along with it. Poor you - stuff you arrange she sabotages, and deliberately, by the look of it.
If I were you, I'd REALLY start thinking about where all this is going ... frankly, I think you deserve a lot better. I'd kick him into touch were I you.
They're close. I know a couple who are separated yet their lives are still intertwined. They spend Christmas together with the children. They both have new partners who are cool about it. And I think if any new partner objected, they would be dumped pronto. It works for them. I personally think it's a very appealling model, but if you hate it, that's fine too.
I suspect you usually enjoy the drama and the neediness, otherwise why would you be still putting up with it after six years?
I'm with Wilson. Can you name 3 things OP?
"If I were you, I'd get on and have a fantastic busy life..." - yep, I agree. I get grief for it though. I went to a pamper evening a few weeks back - just girls. DP was "child free" that night and was most put out that I wasn't available. Lots of texts to the point I turned my phone off. Also annoyed that I was away with work DESPITE the fact he had his children every single night I was away. Wants me at his beck and call.
Oh, and why for the love of baby Jeezus are you doing this grown mans washing?
yes but invicta the DP is being played by the ex-wife
That's not the point though. It doesn't matter who's playing who. It's more the fact that OP has put up with a relationship that isn't ticking boxes for her at various different levels for six years.
Wilson is right, you're just BF and GF. No commitment or owing each other anything. No doubt he's well happy with it, and why wouldn't be, getting sex on tap and still playing happy families with his former family unit while OP waits patiently for him to play happy families with her.
Time to wise up OP...
There was another poster that used to come and complain endlessly about a similar situation, partner bending over backwards for his previous family, with almost adult children.
She moaned on and on about it over a period of months, but never actually did anything about it.
No, I don't think I can name 3 things.
And yes, I have said for YEARS that she does sabotage things on purpose. I stopped putting events on his calendar in his kitchen for that very reason. He can't see that though. Thinks she's perfect despite having several affairs and eventually leaving him.
Wants me at his beck and call.
Two words: Fuck that.
So you're just here for rant then??
Mmkay, another 200 words I'll never get back
Why don't you make your life work? He's unreliable so live as if he is. You could drop him, but I wonder what would happen if you became less availabe. Are you living together?
So apart from having a good old grumble on here, are you going to be proactive and leave him?
The list of attributes you posted didn't have a single positive to it. You and him are not a good match.
Yep. Fuck that. I have told him we're done. To be honest, he knew he was on his last chance and we haven't had a nice weekend together since about January for several reasons so he really should have known better than to mess it up. He could have just said he was busy. She probably expected him to say no anyway on a Saturday and was just chancing her luck.
OP this man isn't your partner. You're just a convenience and a diversion for him. I can't imagine how/why you're putting up with it, your tolerance level must be high I'd have been bored shitless by now. Leave him to his runaround relationship with his ex-wife and find yourself a man who can and wants to actually be with you and enjoy life with you.
Why did you namechange?
Have you done this sort of thread before? Lots of times? Got the same responses?
Good, keep him gone.
After all his disregard of you and your reasonable requests, he thinks he has the right to control you and expect domestic service? He doesn't even live with you FFS.
No. I usually only post on the money threads. But my DP knows that username.
Just changed restaurant booking to 3 people and rang my own kids at their Dad's to see if they want to come to dinner with me (have a Groupon about to expire). DP texted to say he is coming over to "talk" - so I am off to walk the dog...
Be prepared for more promises to change, wah wah wah.
It's all bullshit as his previous promises demonstrated.
Liking the dog walking idea, deny him the oxygen of his self serving crap.
Cut him loose OP.
You've wasted 6.5 years, life is too short.
Not sure interrupting your DC's weekend with their Dad is a good idea though?!
"Anyway, I've been away with work and we haven't seen each other much. He hates me being away/doing things without him so I have had A LOT of texts with him being "needy"."
" I went to a pamper evening a few weeks back - just girls. DP was "child free" that night and was most put out that I wasn't available. Lots of texts to the point I turned my phone off. Also annoyed that I was away with work DESPITE the fact he had his children every single night I was away. Wants me at his beck and call."
Wants me at his beck and call.
Is it because that's the only type of relationship he understands? He's at her beck and call, so you should be at his?
This man (and I'm using the term in the loosest possible sense) Is a massive HYPOCRITE. Drops you at
nil a moment's notice but expects you to just be sitting at home waiting for his call. He has absolutely NO respect for you. You deserve so much better.
"the ExW is still in the driving seat from what I can see "
Apart from when it comes to getting her son to work 5miles away!
So, OP are you intending to not be in when he comes over to "talk"?
Although if you've told him it's over, what is there to talk about?
He doesn't believe for a moment that it's over.
Well you've allowed it to happen for 6,5 years so the only person who has put you In this position is yourself?
Why haven't you done something sooner.
At the moment you are not living together, you're working and in complete control of your life so the only reason you're in this is because it's your choice?
Agreed, he's not your partner.
He's some other woman's semi-ex that you most thoughtfully babysit for her.
Carry on if you like, but if I were you count playing how I'd like to spend my precious one life, I'd be shooing this waste of everyone's time out of the way and finding a partner.
LOL at him always wanting you at his beck and call!! MORE FOOL YOU if you'd even entertain that for a moment from a scrote like this
Count playing = considering!!
Just saw your update! Well done! You are in control of your life and you must choose to be happy. This man isn't making you happy, you've accepted it for too long and now it's time to say enough!
No need to talk. He can turn up at the restaurant, and the cinema, and conspicuously not disappear to give anyone lifts if he's serious about being in a relationship with you. That's it. No need for any chat. Actions not words and all that. Tell him not to come over, you won't be there, just use the time to call his ex and tell her he's busy tonight and to arrange something else.
Alternatively, he could just fuck off and leech onto someone else and pretend to be a partner to them.
Urge he really isn't worth the bother op
Kids come first 18 , younger or older!
You don't live with him so he's not under that much obligation to you.
You need to decide if this is going somewhere or not
Yanbu to want to be more important than his ex, but you clearly are much further down his priority list. Yabu to make excuses for him, blame his ex and continue putting up with the situation.
Good for you OP, enjoy a lovely evening with your DCs. There's nothing for him to talk to you about...it'll be like brainrot...please leave this deadbeat man to his own devices...he can go and talk to his pseudo ex-wife. There's a life out there to be lived..but you won't live it if you don't get useless, draining people out of your lifeplan
op you sound more like a mistress without out any perks
get rid he sounds weak and needy
hope you see the light
Well done on giving him the elbow, tintingirl. You deserve better. Nobody should be treated like that.
Definitely the right decision. Make sure he stays dumped. Regardless of what he says, he treats you terribly.
Does he have a key to your house?
I'd get the locks changed (don't even bother asking him for his key back unless you can do it as a straight handover without him manipulating things)
Walk the dog - he won't let you down and you can have a good rant to a dog. They give very good sympathy but are a bit rubbish at advice.
Then have a meal with your DC . Enjoy.
Then tomorrow, you get on with the rest of your life.
Haven't read the whole thread but the ex is in control so you need to get out.
But it's not the ex wife, it's his kids. No matter how old they are he chooses to look after his children. And quite frankly you have to either accept it or walk away.
Actually it's not the ex wife or Op's man who has a problem. Op, where is your dignity?. You can not name one positive thing about this man yet you have spent 6 good yrs of your life on him?. Why oh why Op?. You are the problem. You are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Your man and his ex will always be doing this, she has kids with him so she feels she has the upper hand.
Pretty much everyone thinks you should LTB and obviously you don't want to. So what do you want from this thread then? You want to give him 6 more years?. You need to put value on yourself and you are selling yourself cheap.
Why are you doing his laundry? So he gets some sex on demand, have his laundry done, shows up when it suits him, cancels plans leaving you in the lurch and you get what?
I feel like shaking you OP. Really..
It is the ExW who is creating the situations though.
He pays maintence and has his DC 3 nights a week. Then 4 . Then 5.
ExW changes her plans.
He;s helping her with household things that her new DH can do.
They've been divorced for 8+ years .She's moved on, remarried
He's doing 50% and more for the DC. The ExW could easily pick the DS up tonight. She just expects or knows that he'll do it.
The ExW is manipulating. And he's allowing himself to be.
And the Op needs to remove herself from the situation. Either he gives her more time or leave. For how long can she go on like this?. Yes it is quite clear that the ex is manipulating but the prrson who is being affected by it all is the OP. We can not tell the ex that she needs to let this man live his life, however we can say that to the OP. She is not going to be more important than the ex. It has been 6yrs.
I thought the ExW had a partner, if Ive read correctly? He must be either a complete doormat, or he is happy as her ExH is facilitating their lifestyle and making things easier for them.
The OPs man does a lot of the childcare + does jobs for ExW on Saturdays...
A working, adult son who needs to be ferried to work at 8pm (I suppose he can't sully himself on a train or, god forbid, a bus) AND picked up at 11pm..no slumming it in a cab for him
Whats the ExWs secret? She's got TWO husbands dancing to her tune...!!
what a life, eh
Your new plan sounds great.
Good luck OP. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Find someone who puts YOU on a pedestal, not their EX wife
I agree that his nearly 18 year old son should be able to get to work without a lift- either bus or taxi, if he can't drive. I can see why you would be annoyed about this, but it seems to me he is pandering to his son on this point, not his ex-wife.
With regard to the rest- you seem to do a lot to support him emotionally. What does he do to support you? From what you've said here, it all seems very one-sided and he seems very needy. If you're happy with that, then fair enough, but it doesn't seem to be making you happy at the moment.
Have you told him how you feel? If so, what does he say? If he's not able or willing to change, then only you can decide how you feel about the situation.
Thank goodness you don't live with this man.
I'm afraid the fact that you are so reasonable and tolerant has worked against you in this situation. Also, this man clearly has no boundaries - and because you'll generally be understanding, he has had no reason to change.
Move on, life is too short.
A working, adult son who needs to be ferried to work at 8pm (I suppose he can't sully himself on a train or, god forbid, a bus) AND picked up at 11pm..no slumming it in a cab for him
But if you read the thread you will see he's at school.
Doing an evening job, probably not well paid.
Those of you who live where there is public transport have no idea. If my DS had to take a taxi to his crappy part time job it would cost more than he earned. This man is doing no more than most parents would do for their children.
Of course, he is being a loving parent helping out his dc - to be commended.
But from what op has written, this man is called upon often when the ex wife simply can't be bothered. And the ex wife makes arrangements that interfere regularly with her ex's plans because she knows he will make himself available and accommodate.
OP - did i read right that the ex wife has remarried?
If he's 18, it doesn't actually matter whether he's still at school during the day or not, yourlittlesecret. Why would it?
Are 18 year old's at university or working full time made magically more mature than their not yet finished school counterparts? How?
If he's able to hold down a job, irregardless of whether it's part time evenings or not, he's old enough not to have to have his Dad cancel his plans at the 11th hour to ferry him there.
BlessedAssurance, RTFT - she dumped him at 13:47 (and she did the right thing).
As others have said, you are not this man's DP, you are the OW. It matters not that he is technically divorced and his XW is remarried, they are, to all intents and purposes still together. Their children know that, which is why they feel able to organise family events that include neith their stepfather nor their father's partner of 6 years.
To coin a phrase, he's just not that into you. LTB and mean it.
I don't think the OP should have namechanged. If her 'D' P reads this thread his next
sucker girlfriend might stand a chance...
yourlittlesecret loads of teens are working part-time whilst at school. They get themselves to work and back. Simple. If the DC in this example lived in an area where it was impossible for him to get to work Im quite sure he'd be ferried there every day, not just selectively - and wouldnt be in the job anyway. I mean, who would be in a job they could'nt get too?
& being at school doesn't render you somehow less able than someone who isn't.
I don't know why people hate/cannot comprehend the fact a man's kids (even 18 year olds, who these days are still rather immature for the most part) always come before his girlfriend, particularly one he doesn't even live with. I'm not talking about the OP here who I feel for, but other posters who seem to think once a child hits 16-18 they should be pretty much abandoned by parents and the partner of the parent should now magically come first at all costs. It doesn't work like that and unfortunately these days young people are needing their parents support for longer and longer in life and this is through no fault of their own. I know this as I am a young person and let me tell you its hard to get along in life for alot of us in many areas. A lot of the time we still NEED parental help with things.
I know from first hand experience that even as an adult a parent putting their partner before a child causes resentment and damages the parent-child adult relationship. I have little time for my mother these days and see her as rather desperate and 'not right' in a lot of ways because since I became 17/18 her partner was always her priority when it came to time spent together and generally space in her mind and heart. A parent as such is weak willed and pathetic imo. A partner who actually expects to come before someone's child is even worse.
Atleast the guy makes an effort for his kids unlike a lot of parents who just flounce off with their latest squeeze and barely put a second thought into parenting after that. Not saying the OP's partner is in the right but the assumption and expectation from some posters on here that a man all of a sudden will have sod all to do with his kids once they reach 16-18 years old is just plain naive at best, spiteful and selfish at worst.
It also shows a hypocritical attitude profound in many women that they would love a man like this who devotes most of himself to his girlfriend whilst having very little access or involvement with his kids yet if such a man is THEIR child's father its a different story! christ you even see stepmum moaning on these forums all the time that they cannot stand being around and get jealous of a man who has his kids on the weekend.
OP if I were you I'd leave as you are obviously unhappy with the status quo and I imagine you are feeling neglected. Has it always been this way with your man and his ex and kids but you just presumed all that time ago once the kids were older you'd be well rid? If so, its probably clear to you now you were wrong, and let that be a lesson to other women who have similar ideas about their man no longer having to be a father once his kids are older. I'm not being nasty, it just comes across to me as this very common scenario once again.
I wish you well!! x
But anyway as has been said, OP has dumped him and good on her. She won't even have to think about the nonsense of him regularly cancelling their plans at the last minute. Won't be her problem any longer. He can spend all the time in the world whinging and running around after his ExW. I hope OP has gone out with her DCs for a nice meal as she said she would.
Perhaps his Ex wife will begin to do his laundry .......
He sounds like a great dad. Good for him.
"so I am off to walk the dog"
That's some walk ....
* I know this as I am a young person and let me tell you its hard to get along in life for alot of us in many areas.*
Let's talk when you're older...
Most people didn't have a problem with the children coming first. It was the ex-wife's manipulation of the children and the 'D'P that was the issue.
Moderntoss i read the whole thread alright, thank you. I started typing my responses before the Op mentioned that she had left him. Have no idea why they did not post then..Why i am explaining myself to you though is another thing..
How long do you think you'll need this level of hand holding from your parents, 22honey?
Is your life particularly difficult, because most of us manage to reach independance just fine?
I agree with Flogging
Time to grow up 22honey
Actually, in a funny way, 22honey is right about a few things. More the spirit if not all the content. I have a sneaky feeling some just chose to dislike how you expressed it.
22honey - I agree. Too many people seem to think they should come before their partner's children. I wouldn't go near a relationship with a man who did not put his children first.
Floggingmolly I never stated I personally need lots of help off my parents (I live alone with DP and am independant and we run our own home, I have lived alone since 16 years old). I sometimes need minor financial help, which is ok as my father is well off and can afford it. I only ask when I am absolutely desperate otherwise I do my best to sort myself out. Being in my early 20s I don't think this is inappropriate yet.
I have friends who only have their own home because their parents paid the deposit, I would consider many people my age to be not yet fully self sufficient, and a large amount of the things young people have like cars and particularly owning their own home, their parents have paid a lot towards it. I have NEVER had either of these things given (a deposit for a home or a car) by either parent so I consider myself on the lesser scale of having it all handed on a plate.
I have always worked/studied by the way so its nothing to do with being lazy. Young people are often on much lower wages as havn't had the time and experience to build themselves up yet and large one off expenses are often impossible unless your parents are willing to fork out or you have a decent job, live at home and have to pay sod all towards your upkeep/rent. Had several friends like this aswell, who happily for them despite having a low paid job are well on their way in life because their parents have sorted them a car and mortgage deposit. Sadly for me I've never had such a luxury so I'd rather posters on here (many who are probably mothers to older teens who are still relying on their parents/being babied themselves) not tell me to grow up. You have no idea of my past and believe me I had to grow up very quickly.
Anyone who thinks an 18 year old these days should be fully self sufficient in all circumstances is living on cloud cuckoo land and is out of touch with a large amount of young people's lives to the extreme.
And flogging, don't dare try to patronise me or make assumptions about my life. Judging by many posts on the relationships forum here, many many many posters who probably think they are all grown up, self sufficient and independant have achieved nothing of the sort and are still reliant in all ways possible on their useless DH and his wages. They'd be ruined without having a MAN to rely on. Kind of worse and more pathetic than a person 16-24 who still needs their parents to help them out occasionally.
Fair enough, 22honey, apologies. Your latter post puts your circumstances in a completely different light.
And I totally agree with financial support, if needed. It's a whole different ball game to babysitting an 18yo and 16yo, though.
22 while I agree with a lot of what you say we arent talking about the 18 year old being chucked out on tbe street, just expected to complete a straightforward trip to work. My parents babied me and helped menout many times practically and financially but still made sure I had the independence and skills to cope with basic tasks at the age of becoming an adult.
Sucb as travel to and from work, and being left alone without a babysitter
go brdgrl, you tell me how being old in todays society is much harder than being young. Seriously, I'm all ears.
Your even entitled to more benefits the older you are. Young people have been fucked over by this government and this is common knowledge. Many cannot even afford to move out their parents home until they are 25+, leaving them dependant well beyond the 'acceptable' age through no fault of their own.
How hated must that be by jealous, possessive stepmothers (and I absolutely love the only stepmum I've ever had so no personal agenda there) who were looking forward to never having to see their DSC ever again once they hit 18
22honey - having to live with parents is not a new thing. Many young people had to save up before they could afford to live independently - they would also be expected to pay towards family expense from their earnings, no matter how meagre.
You sound like you have issues Honey22, none of which have anything to do with the OP.
Stealth polar bear the post seems to contradict itself in many ways. You say your parents babied you and helped you out in all ways yet still taught you to be independant? Isn't that what the OP's DP is doing? Making sure his son gets to work on time, so he doesn't lose his job and thus the progression hes made in life to becoming an independant individual?
There are many reasons why someone might end up needing a lift to work. To make out like this is is an unusual, particularly awful and piss-taking thing to happen with an 18 year old lad is rather odd.
I agree a 16 and 18 year old don't need babysitting, and I have yet to mention I do think the OP's DP is unreasonable and do have sympathy for her, my post wasn't a bash at the OP. I find it curious she put up with it for so long and could only assume it was because she thought things might change when his kids grow up, and is now sick of it as she's realised that isnt the case.
My main gripe was with the theme of so many posts I've seen here and elsewhere from women who seem to think a man's grown kids just don't matter and should never request anything from their father. This is not right.
Chipped, thanks for your opinion, you'd obviously make a great psychologist if you think you can tell from a few forum posts that someone has issues. Even if I had, so what? Does 'having issues' make someones opinion less valid?
Yes, having to live with parents isn't a new or particularly bad thing. Only times have changed, people are seen as odd or failing in life to still be living at home at such an age and a lot of parents are not happy about it either due to the opinion they should be having a childfree fun existence once their kids grow up. And of course its the feelings of any partner aswell as we are reminded on this thread, what if they don't want their adult DSC living with them and ruining even more of their quality time with their DP? Not to mention living at home can actively prevent people from moving on in life in this day and age. Many blokes struggle to find a partner whilst living at home thus may never be able to afford to move out.
I find it odd when people always compare things to how it was 'back in the day', as if times havn't changed at all and things are all exactly the same as they were 50 or even 30 years ago. They sound like my irrational, alcoholic MIL.
Maybe. I can see both sides. I remember my mum wa ting to do everything for me but stopping herself as she knew it wasnt the best thing. From a financial point of viee they make no secret that as an only child I will get their money when theyre gone and they try to make me spend it now. I tell thek that will be a long way off and they should spend their money on themselves
I have no problem with his ongoing involvement in his children's lives. He sounds like a good father, which is exactly what you would want him to be.
However, leaving his washing for you to do?
Expecting you to help him with his paid work?
There's the line for me.
Yes Stealth, my parents do the same thing. Constant babying isn't good for young adults but there does seem to be a particular intolerance when it comes to a man's grown children needing things from him, usually if its seen that his partner is 'going without' in order for him to provide these things. People need to accept any decent father puts his kids before his partner. A mother would be expected to do the same.
The constant pandering to the ex wife would be the major problem, not him putting his kids needs before his partners.
He has his children 4 days a week which is very commendable and driving 18 year olds around is not uncommon and perfectly okay. However he has you do his washing as presumably he doesn't have arms so cannot load a machine himself or sees women as servants and he cannot manage his money. He's certainly not someone you'd want to keep.
I see his as being very good for doing things for his children. I do things for adult children. I admire men who do. Far too many men do just about nothing ever. This man is a hero in a good few ways but not in being unable to manage his money and also there are lots of very nice men without children out there and it is a lot simpler if you date those.
Perhaps look for other options as you don't even live together.
What I don't understand, is that as a child of non divorced parents, I could never be so demanding with either of them. I could ask sure, but not expect or get everything I wanted. If they had a date night or any other sort of plans, we wouldn't mess that up. They are always there when we need them but not always when we want, because we are grown adults, who they want to teach independence. They did not want to teach us instant gratification.
So why should it be different when it's a step parent?
Sorry, but I wouldn't expect either a mother or father to put their adult children first.
I really feel that all the arguments regarding parents 'being there' for adult children are irrelevant to this thread. Even if this man's behaviour were all about his children and nothing else (and I really don't think it is), there remains the fact that he expects the OP to be at his beck and call whenever he deems himself to be free. Given that the OP also has children, wouldn't he expect her to drop arrangements she had made with him in favour of HER children? Yet I'm not getting the feeling that this is his expectation.
No, she exists only for him, and only when he wants. He may change his mind at a moment's notice and drop her, but she may not have a life outside of him (hence OP turning her phone off to stop the flow of needy texts). He does not seem to me to see the OP as a person with a life that she is choosing to share with him; he seems to see her as a 'facility' to cater for him (company, support, laundry, sex) with no requirement for him to reciprocate.
He does not, can not, respect the OP IMO.
Im happy for a man to put his adult children 1st. I wouldn't date him though. If he hasn't got time to be with me because they come 1st (his children, his choice) then thats fine he can get on with that, whilst I reserve myself for someone who is able to manage his time and life well so he can have a relationship alongside being a father to his grown up children. Its perfectly possible to do.
Surely he's the epitome of the 'yes man' with his family. You come under the auspices of him, he sees you as him, and you are therefore expected to be a 'yes woman' and not make a peep, as he doesn't. You've already split up over this (you poor thing sitting there alone with a takeaway on your 40th when he'd promised a surprise ).
I really don't think he's going to change. It'll be like this always ie drop everything when his wife/kids snap their fingers. And that 'everything' includes you
honey, my point wasn't actually about whether younger people have it tougher or not (although actually, your claims about the relative ease of life for young adults in the past are not entirely accurate; where I live in the UK, for instance, in 1982 there was an unemployment rate of 20% - almost double that in the community where I live. Religious discrimination was appalling, and most young people had little access to higher education. You don't really know your history, I suspect.)
My point was actually that your post sounds very immature and shows a limited understanding of the issues of adult life.
See what I did there? i called her his WIFE. She still is in his head I think.
If I were being charitable, there's a name for people who are as chaotic as this (eg dishwasher, car etc) but I can't remember what it is (helpful). Whatever, he has to take responsibility for it.
but you're going to stay with him aren't you? Even after he stood you up on your 40th, let you down at christmas, let you down after you specifically made a huge fuss to the point of breaking up with him, then he goes right on and does it again almost immediately. then says he's coming round to 'talk'. About what? He needs to start doing not talking (but I doubt he will).
OP I think your DP does not really consider himself a partner to be frank, because he's not committing to you. You don't mention why you don't live together (and of course it's not obligatory, may people don't etc.) but the overall picture is of a rather unreliable boyfriend.
I see where 22 is coming from as I have been the adult DD who received support (although I never asked for it and have always paid back any loans post-uni). The big different was my parents are a team. If Dad offered us money early doors to fix up unforeseen problems with the house, Mum had effectively signed it off. Likewise they came up to help when it suited both of them.
Keyword is team though. You and he are not a team. Nor as he and ex-wife working as a parenting team unless his communication is shit awful. So on the face of it he's just flaky. You have kids. You've spent 6.5 years on this person who doesn't live with you. Unless you don't want a live in partner (which is fair enough) I'd give up. If you were important enough he'd communicate better.
A boyfriend is supposed to enhance your life, not make it worse!
You could've spent your 40th with friends, not waited for that loser.
Go on Tinder (it's shallow but fun) and get a new man. Or try Match.com for less shallow dating. Find someone who will be there for YOU.
Btw I think we all know a woman like the ex-wife who seems to have every man in sight at her beck and call.
Sorry I meant to say about the ex-wife - we all know women like that I expect and they always get things their own way where men are concerned.
There is no point competing with her - you can't win sadly. Don't bother trying, just walk away and start again.
OP I really hope you mean it and don't fall for his whining (which will happen!)
Dump his sorry ass.
WTF the ex's DH thinks about him going round there and doing jobs I don't know. He seems to still consider himself her partner. Of course your 40th was more important that the ex's leaving party. He should have told her to find a babysitter FFS.
He will never stand up to her.
He wants her to need him.
He is happy to dance to her tune.
There is NOTHING wring with a man who puts his DC first. I would not want to be with a man who prioritised me over his DC. This is about him doing stuff for the ex and never saying no to her. He pays her maintenance but has the DC 4-5 nights a week?!?!!!!!!!
Please don't take him back. Find some self respect and demand respect from others.
No update from OP since he was going round to "talk".
I suspect she has fallen for his whining and is ready to throw another six years at him.
Hello - am still here and have read all your responses , thank you all. Yes, I did walk the dog and he was here when I got back. Chucked him our pretty quick.
Went out with my children (aged 15 and 13) for a meal and then watched The voice and drank wine when I got back. LOTS of texts from him. Replied to the odd one.
Then lots of texts asking advice about stuff he thinks I would approve of - like changing energy suppliers to save money - trying to show me he can control his own finances/life.
Said he didn't get a cab for his son because he is almost out of money. It is the 9th of the month and he earns about £2.3k a month after tax. I mean, FFS, how can he be broke with 3 weeks to go until payday??
Then he rang me with all his justifications. Said his ex would have come home from party to pick her son up but he told her there was no need because he could do it for her. Said it was fine because we had "no important plans". Great. Told him to piss off.
He's still sounding like a teenager, trying to show his mum he can cope honest he can.
Glad you have stood your ground! It sounds like you are doing the right thing from what you have written. Good luck
Oh Tintin. He really is a twat, isn't he?
Said it was fine because we had "no important plans".
Well, that kind of says it all right there. Plans with you will never be important enough to him to not be at her beck and call. Well done ditching him.
Hope you enjoyed your evening out OP. Onwards and upwards. You can do far, far better than him - and you will. He'll be ok, he can always cry on ExWs shoulder whilst you can get on with making a new life and opportunities for yourself - unencumbered by his frenzied timetable
You're doing great.
I'm where you are now, but 4 years down the line with a DSS who is now early 20s and the drama has reduced me to tears (very rare) tonight.
It doesn't get better. Stay strong.
You did the right thing. If he continues to try and "win you back", tell him action speaks louder than words. I would have broken up with him long ago.
I hope you are feeling ok with your decision, you deserve someone to treat you with consideration and respect. Keep your chin up!
Said his ex would have come home from party to pick her son up but he told her there was no need because he could do it for her.
This is it in a nutshell. It's not about his children, it's about the DP putting the exW over the OP always, even when he diesn't need to. When his kids are with the exW they are the exW's responsibilty. So she would have had to come home from a party early? Of course she should because, er, her son has to come above her social life.
Sounds to me like your DP is still in love with his ex - you said she left him - as is desperate to still be involved in her life. Maybe he's even hoping that if he does everything he can for her that she will one day leave her husband and come back to him. The OP seems to be being used for sex and domestic chores to me.
Plans with you are not important. Good for you to know. What a twat.
I agree with Honey and think she has had a hard time here. The problem is he prioritises his ex wife over the op. It's OK for adults to ask for favours and its OK to say no. I think the older dc are old enough to understand their df has plans and may not be at their beck and call. He always drops what he is doing, so he isn't giving that message out.
Wishing you well in your new life. Stay strong - there are bound to be times when you miss him as 6 years is a long time, but you deserve someone better, and someone who can give you the time you deserve.
The situation with the ex and his terrible money management are both reason enough to end it in themselves. Stick to your decision.
he isn ot good with money.
There is nothing wrong per se with paying maintenance to an ex wife (for her, not the children) whilst having your children with you 4 nights a week. I paid my ex husband (I earn more) and yet the children live with me - it is how divorce law works in the UK but he is treating you like a long term partner rather than someone he needs to woo and persuade and if he wants you he will need to work a lot harder. He does not have much to offer.
As others have said above there are loads of good men out there without any children at all or children who are over 25 and beyond needing lifts and without a recent ex wife in the picture.Go for one of those.
Well done Tintin.
If you ever doubt your decision, read this thread again. You are worth sooooo much more. Better to be on your own than with someone who makes you feel unworthy.
(Maybe take some time to explore why you put up with this for so long)
"LOTS of texts from him. Replied to the odd one. Then lots of texts asking advice about stuff he thinks I would approve of ... Then he rang me with all his justifications ..."
I would consider blocking his number. He's clearly not understanding the word 'dumped'. Whilst his ex-wife is willing to make use of that lack of understanding, I think it would be better for you to hammer it home and hold firm. There is nothing for you in a relationship with him except disregard, lack of respect and a constant drain on your self-esteem.
What a twat.
You're well rid.
Is it possible he is still in love with his XDW? He is spending more time with her and doing stuff for her than the OP...
He's a prat, you don't need him!
So at least he's honest - he doesn't consider a date with you to be important. So it'll be fine if you end your relationship with him, because you aren't important to him, he's not going to mind losing you, what with spending time with you being an unimportant thing.
Stick to your guns OP.
He won't change, but he will try to persuade you that he will. I can't believe how he has treated you. Your birthday story made me feel very sad on your behalf.
That's a good post mary he isn't bothered about OP. I think he'll text for a while trying to prove himself as you split up before so perhaps he still has hope. I hope you stand firm. It may be hard at first but you're better off. It is a pity.
No, a date with op would not be important, not when he had already had her do all his laundry, and fed him. Then he might as well bugger off and do chores for his ex. His needs for housekeeping had been met. He must be panicking now he has to do his own laundry!
Well done for realizing this, and good riddance.
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