DS friend acted appallingly at our house

(52 Posts)
KarrieC Fri 07-Mar-14 04:56:50

AIBU to be upset/angry at my sons friends behaviour at our house yesterday?
They are both 7 and have been friends on and off since reception. His friend is quite a dominant character, really good at sport and he knows it, generally quite a pushy kid. Today at our house he was verging on being a bully. I couldn't believe how horrible he was,
Examples
He threw water over my sons trousers then said DS had wet himself
Pulled DS cheeks violently (which I made him apologise for)
Mocked DS for being babyish
Dried his hands on DS instead of a towel
Tried to lock DS in a room
General comments about being better than DS
He also had the gall to say it had been boring when he was picked up.

I have 3 brothers so don't think i am unused to rough play, it is something I wish my son had more of, but this kids behaviour was so disrespectful and unfriendly. I want my son to learn to assert himself, which I don't think he quite knew how to do in this situation.

How far can you go in telling someone else's kid off though, I had to tell him to stop throwing a tennis ball in the kitchen, running with an ipad and being fair in sharing, as well as the cheek thing and a few other things, I didn't feel I could tell him off on everything but now I wish I had.

Let's hope DS goes off him again as he won't be invited here again.

chrome100 Fri 07-Mar-14 05:27:53

I would have told his mum how bad his behaviour was! Your son shouldn't be mistreated in his own home by another child. Easier said than done, I know. He sounds awful!

Chottie Fri 07-Mar-14 05:35:21

Oh dear, he definitely sounds like a little tinker! I would have mentioned it to his mum too.

MistressDeeCee Fri 07-Mar-14 05:54:46

Id have told his mum exactly what went on and he wouldn't be welcome in my home any more. Couldn't care less how young he is, I can't stand disruption and bullying as it is but DEFINETELY not in my home! Also, there are ways you can subtly break inappropriate friendships...its what I did when my DD had a bullying friend in primary school days. I didnt want her to grow up thinking she was obliged to take crap from anybody.

Mimishimi Fri 07-Mar-14 05:55:41

Did you invite him over or did his Mum ask? If she asked, you know what to say next time!

GilmoursPillow Fri 07-Mar-14 06:19:02

DS has a friend like this. He tried to delete everything of DS's iPad.

He is jealous of DS's friendship with a girl (they're all 9/10 years old) so deleted her as a contact from DS's phone. The next time he was here he sent a message to her from DS's phone (re-instated as a contact) saying "Fuck you".

I explained that it was wrong and why - the language, as well as the written word into cyberspace etc but also told his Dad.

He's no longer welcome here.

TamerB Fri 07-Mar-14 06:24:00

I would have told him in no uncertain terms that he either behaved himself or I called his mother to take him home! And followed through.

Agree tell his Mum. I know kids can get daft and giddy but that is way over the line. I'd be putting an end to the friendship.

bochead Fri 07-Mar-14 06:50:43

I'd ask his Mum to stay for the next playdate. Surprisingly many are more than happy to sit and have a cuppa while the kids play. Weekend dates suit more people for this.

She needs to know he needs behavioral support as a matter of urgency and it's better she finds out now at 7 while there's lots can be done about it, than when it's too late to help him as happens to so many boys.

7 isn't that old and an immature lad could internally be totally freaked out at being in a strange home with funny (to them) rules and food etc. many boys play up for attention.

I don't believe in outright friendship bans - as they still meet at school. It's better to assert some friendly control by telling Mum in a non-judgemental way and making it a condition of future invites that she stays to supervise.

What I wouldn't do is let my child go to lil monsters house alone. wink

Pippintea Fri 07-Mar-14 06:54:20

Don't ask him to come again. If he/ his mum ask again say no and tell them why.

PastPerfect Fri 07-Mar-14 06:56:24

I would certainly tell a child's parent if they misbehaved when at my house but I also recognise that children often get over excited and my reaction to your OP would depend on whether your DS was upset and whether it was a case of 6 to one, half a dozon to the other.

The running with an iPad I'd put down to being excited - although they'd be told not to do it.

The drying his hands on your son is the sort of thing I've seen kids do lots - it's stupid horseplay.

If your son was upset don't have the boy round again.

galwaygirl Fri 07-Mar-14 06:59:08

Was your DS upset or surprised by his friend's behaviour?
Came across this on another forum and thought it was good for ideas about how to help kids stick up for themselves:
www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/socially-intelligent-child/Helping_Bulllied_Child

BraveLilBear Fri 07-Mar-14 07:08:20

See reading this, it struck me that it sounds like bluster- that he knows it's naughty but isn't a very happy bunny underneath.

Maybe things aren't good at home?

Having said that, there's no condoning that behaviour. Definitely have a word with his mum. Do you know her well? Could go with something like 'does he always behave like xyz?'

You can tell a lot from a parent's reaction.

Thepoodoctor Fri 07-Mar-14 07:17:56

If they've been friends on and off since reception, what's his track record on behaviour? Has he been to visit before?

My 7 year old with ASD and attachment difficulty has the potential to be a horror on play dates. Which to be fair is why I still wouldn't let him go on one without me to supervise.

On the other hand if he's normally fairly socially skilled and appears to know how to behave in most situations, then I'd imagine swift and firm action from parents is in order.

I'd speak to the mum - if this had been my lad i would certainly want to know, and he'd be being expected to apologise among other things.

As I say DS doesn't do solo play dates but if a child is hurting and upsetting your DS I'd think it entirely appropriate to ring parents and ask to collect.

heather1 Fri 07-Mar-14 07:24:36

I work on the twoish strikes and your out rule. Ist bad behaviour I tell them to stop. Second I tell them to stop and if there is more bed behaviour I will end the play date and ask their mum or dad to collect them.
I'd be tempted to give him another chance, but only one.
I'd also be asking Ds if he in on the receiving end of this behaviour from this boy at school.
Is probably have told the mum that his behaviour wasn't great.

wonderingsoul Fri 07-Mar-14 07:35:03

i would have phoned the mum and asked ehr to collect her child, the time he threw water on your ds and said he wet himself.

iv had had to do it to a closhish friend when i was looking after her son, who again is a very strong chacter, he had broke one of ds toys on purpose, in full veiw of me by throwing it at the wall, when i was " telling him off" ( byu that i mean why did you do that? that is very unkind" he called me a bitch and started crying.

so his parents where called and he was collected, we still see said child but i try to limit the playdates, becasue he is still a very strong chacter and can throw the most nasty hissy fits. , but he can also be the nicest and politest boy ever.. just as long as things are going his way.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 07-Mar-14 08:15:40

I don't know if I could mention to mum but there would be no second invite

kilmuir Fri 07-Mar-14 08:24:33

He sounds awful, no excuses.

TheReluctantCountess Fri 07-Mar-14 08:25:49

He sounds vile. Don't have him back again. I would also discourage my son from playing with him at school.

Nataleejah Fri 07-Mar-14 08:28:14

Certainly no second invite. And i'd also tell his mother his behaviour was unacceptable. Its up to her what conclusion she makes.

hiccupgirl Fri 07-Mar-14 08:34:02

I def wouldn't be inviting him back for another playmate even if your DS asked.

As much as you want to give them space to play and deal with things themselves, there's times when a 7 yr old needs their parents to step in and say enough if they can't themselves. Kids do get silly together but that kind of behaviour is way over the mark and I would have been ringing his mum to collect him tbh.

Nanny0gg Fri 07-Mar-14 08:34:46

He also had the gall to say it had been boring when he was picked up.

So what did you/his mum say to that?

BurntPancake Fri 07-Mar-14 08:34:55

I'd suggest if anyone treats your ds that like that again in his own home that you say you'll ask his mother to come and pick him up and do this if he doesn't improve. Whatever his reason fot behaving that way, your ds deserves to be treated with respect.

softlysoftly Fri 07-Mar-14 08:43:59

I had a "friend" at primary who bullied and belittled me throughout, she was my best friend as messed up as that sounds it was miserable don't think he can't be bullying your son just because they are mates.

One time at my house my dad witnessed this (she pushed me off my new bike into a ditch as she wanted it) and he had her whipped into the car and back to her mum's as fast as you like.

My parents couldn't stop the friendship but by reinforcing what was and wasn't acceptable they gave me the guts too eventually.

So tell your son how horrible the kid was and next time its 1 strike then home!

Hogwash Fri 07-Mar-14 08:49:59

I would be horrified if any of my sons behaved like that. I think you should avoid the friendship by not inviting him back again. Softly has a good point above - sometimes I think children need to know if is OK not to accept this rubbish.

Hogwash Fri 07-Mar-14 08:50:24

PS: what is the mum like? is she oblivious to it?

cory Fri 07-Mar-14 09:06:36

I'd have given him a warning and if he hadn't pulled himself up I'd have rung his mum to collect him.

Otoh I probably would invite him again- on the condition that he behaves himself, assuming that your ds wanted him back. Seems a shame to write somebody off for all future. If you never get invited back after a first misdemeanour, there doesn't seem to be much learning to be had from it. Also, dd has had some lovely friends who have not always showed themselves from their best side straigthaway; she wouldn't thank me for having taken a once and forever decision about the friendship.

Purplepoodle Fri 07-Mar-14 09:13:15

He would be on the naughty step in my house and I would be phoning his mum to come pick him up if he carried on that behaviour. I can't abide children being cruel. I come down very heavily on my own dc's if I catch them.

Crowler Fri 07-Mar-14 09:15:26

I've had bad playdates (this one sounds particularly bad) and honestly I have never told the parents. It won't go well, and it won't be anything they don't already know.

whiteblossom Fri 07-Mar-14 09:54:09

I agree the mother needs telling, but the question is how? How do you tell a mum her ds is a brat? Then it causes problems at the school gates/other mums. My experience is that mums of kids like this tend to be very good at giving out as well and before you know it all the mums are giving you the evil stare...or is that just my school??

Do I need to move house? grin

One kid I had on a playdate deliberately damaged my sofa- I saw her do it as did my child. I didn't say anything but was fuming and shocked. Kids mum turned up 25 mins late, I didn't say anything and the next day, I got death stares and the mother has been funny with me ever since! Needless to say she was never invited back.

YouTheCat Fri 07-Mar-14 10:00:41

I wouldn't bother saying anything to the mother. There will be no point. If her ds is so disrespectful and vile the chances her that her little prince can do no wrong anyway.

Don't invite him back and I wouldn't let your ds go to his either. Just hope the friendship fizzles out soon.

Meepers Fri 07-Mar-14 10:07:36

I would have told his Mum but I also would have told him off.

My friends and I have an agreement that it's their house their rules. If they are looking after DC they treat my DD the same as they would their own and vice versa.

It helps we all have similar rules and similar ways of handling discipline though.

Forago Fri 07-Mar-14 10:07:42

I've had this, a child that is very badly behaved when the parents aren't around. Ime no point saying anything as they won't believe you - the kids like this know how to manipulate their mothers and will say your kid hit them etc. Just ignore and don't invite back is my policy. Hoepfukky the kids will mature and grow out of it (my brother had a friend like this who turned into a nice teenager)

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Fri 07-Mar-14 10:11:31

how awful, i would have said something.....in the nicest possible way as it wouldnt be nice to hear, but I would want to know if my dd was behaving like that.

I would give her a stern talking to, explain what bullying is and in future I would be telling her to leave the said child alone and I would be checking with teachers to make sure she wasn't bullying at school either.

To the mum maybe " I am so sorry I have had quite a shock today, I thought they were friends but this went on....I am concerned now,...what do you think"

grovel Fri 07-Mar-14 10:11:39

Forago, love "Hoepfukky"!

KitZacJak Fri 07-Mar-14 10:11:56

I don't actually think telling the mother will help. It will cause a lot of problems at the school gate. If a child is horrible when they come over I don't invite them back - simple. A lot of friendships are best left at school.

shewhowines Fri 07-Mar-14 10:11:59

I wouldn't invite back, but I'd have a few chats with DS about being assertive when someone is being horrible to you. Maybe role play and give him some putdowns/tactics to use

curiousuze Fri 07-Mar-14 10:18:42

Like softlysoftly my 'best friend' through primary school was like this. All little, disrespectful things, but I was told to ignore it or 'do the same back to her'. By the time we got to secondary school it blossomed into full blown bullying, with help from another girl who was worse. They were very cruel and I was heartbroken about losing my friend even though she was horrible! I do think it's important to back up your DS and let him know you don't accept this boy's behaviour and neither should he. Can you imagine what it's like round at his house??

saulaboutme Fri 07-Mar-14 10:23:32

Yanbu.

My ds has a friend like this and the child is a nightmare!!

She is disrespectful, a liar, a bully and knows every trick in the book. I'm friends with her mum more so but from past experiences she only comes to our house if her mum needs a favour. Ds and her just don't get on. I lay down the law when she is here and have to watch her like a hawk!
I've told her mum things she has done and told her off myself. Her mum can't control her. Big issues at home though.

Floggingmolly Fri 07-Mar-14 10:24:45

I had one of them once, and I had him collected early. The conversation with his mum was a bit awkward, tbh, but there was no way in heaven he was staying for the full three hours.
He never crossed my doorstep again, either. Boisterousness, loudness, general boyishness I have no problem with, but disrespectful nonsense or bullying I refuse to tolerate.

Flicktheswitch Fri 07-Mar-14 10:27:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comicsansisevil Fri 07-Mar-14 10:40:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag Fri 07-Mar-14 10:45:55

I wouldn't have him over again. No second chances when he was effectively bullying your DS in his own home. If the mother ever asks I would tactfully say why as well.

DS is friendly with a boy in his class that I am not keen on. At his party he was swinging off the DJs speakers (I didn't see this but was told by a friend of mine after), following me around saying he didn't like his party bag and asking for a different one, snatching balloons off others and constantly bothering me. At other parties he bit a dad so badly he had a bruise for 4 days, punched the DJ, made a girl cry and refused to go away when the mum told him to. The parents drop him off every time and I don't think anyone has really told them although I think they are aware because he dad did say something to me before about this boys behaviour. He also spat in DS's fact at school the other day.

I don't care if he has issues at home or anywhere else or whatever is going on, he is not setting foot in my house, DS has asked if he can come for tea and I have just said no. So has another parent when her DD asked.

Gladvent Fri 07-Mar-14 10:53:42

I've had a couple of children like that visit. I tell them that I need to have a word and take them into a separate room, so there are no other children for them to show off to. Then tell them that I know they can be well behaved and that all this showing off and being unfriendly is NOT acceptable, they wouldn't like it if someone did it to them, and that I am going to give them one more chance to calm down and behave properly otherwise they will have to go home.

ormirian Fri 07-Mar-14 10:54:24

I am guessing the your DS will go off him pretty soon if that is normal behaviour. I think the best thing to do is ask your son what he thought of it? That you thought it wasn't nice behaviour. Tell him that anything he doesn't like he can say no to.

If it's any comfort, my experience of friends like that is that sooner or later they get worked out of my childrens' lives. At 17 DS1 has a group of good close friends that have a lot in common and are pleasant good-natured lads. It took time for the unsuitable ones to get weeded out but it happened without any major input from us.

You can't stop your children making friends or mistakes but you can have a say in what happens in your own home.

puddock Fri 07-Mar-14 11:02:41

Sounds horrible. I've not had to deal with this sort of thing yet, but I think I'd go down the route of a quiet word of warning and then, if bullying persisted, a call to the child's parent to come and fetch him/her. I realise that this might cause embarrassment with the parent or difficulty with the child, but my priority would be to show my child that we don't have to accept bullying. If it was more than a one-off, I would think about mentioning it to the children's teacher/TA as well in case bullying was happening at school too.

UndoTyping Fri 07-Mar-14 11:06:05

Some parents will be approachable and open to the idea that their little angels aren't quite that.

Other parents will be so self entitled and deluded that their children would never misbehave bully swear etc.

Some children wrongly accuse others of biting hitting etc just to deflect their own bad attention away from themselves.

KarrieC Fri 07-Mar-14 11:10:59

Thanks everyone, great to know I wasn't being over sensitive.

I have talked to DS that his friends behaviour was completely unacceptable and he doesn't have to put up with it and that I won't tolerate it. He won't be invited back here. On the way to school We practiced some phrases for him to use on 'friend' should he continue with pulling his cheeks (he has been doing it at school too as well as twisting the back of his and other kids necks, I think a few of them have been doing it) and how he should handle the situation. It's being done in a kind of horseplay way but he goes too far with it. My son is a gentle chap and we are working on getting him to be assertive, he has just taken up Judo which I think will build his confidence. Obviously I will be monitoring what is going on at school and will talk to the teacher if I think I need to. It's tricky as boys do get physical. I think the psychological put downs are worse.

Re talking to the mum I am in two minds, I think I will mention it if we get chatting but she is very standoffish and I don't know her that well. I would want to know if my son behaved like that, I would be mortified, but I don't fancy the death stares either! I think that we are best off avoiding said horrible kid and working on new friendships and DSs assertiveness. I think some of what his friend was doing was reenacting stuff that happens at home with his siblings, I think he is a very competitive kid and hates being the youngest. But I agree he needs behavioural support.

Thanks again everyone!

Thanks Galwaygirl, great advice on your link and I will definitely be using that.

PeriodFeatures Fri 07-Mar-14 11:27:39

Bocheah gave good advice. I would also probably talk to DS. Have a conversation with him about his little playmates behavior.

What did he think when his friend chucked water on him ? How did he feel? I think that things like this are a chance to develop emotional literacy and resilience. We storm in without involving children in our interventions, we lose something. Yeah, sometimes it is necessary to intervene, and ultimately we need to protect them.

Unfortunately life is full of people who will do things to us which are unpleasant, rude and abusive. Getting a dialogue going about this and naming the feelings than happen when people are horrid is not a bad thing i dont think.

Then be really bloody clear that the little bugger will not be welcome again if he behaves like that! tell him.

'last time you came to my house you did x,y,z and it was not nice. I dont want you to do that again, if you do I will be phoning your mum and assking her to take you home''

Hogwash Fri 07-Mar-14 12:23:59

I wouldn't go through the mum - I'd go through the teacher. Explain the behaviour at the play date and ask her/him to keep an eye on it. It sounds like the whole class needs to be talked to if they are grabbing the back of each others necks.

I have only once spoken to a parent about their child (because their child was a pita and was coming to a party where I needed to keep an eye on another child with special needs and wanted a bit of advice on how to manage pita child (and it was an approach she had used with other parents)). Despite treading on egg-shells, the mother reacted very badly and it got back to me that she had been quite unpleasant about it (child remains pita - no surprise). Unless you are sure she is reasonable and will want to help you, there is no point in complicating things imo.

Sounds like there is a problem at home (there is no need for real aggression at home between boys) which unfortunately you can't do anything about, but you can protect your own son.

TheGreatHunt Fri 07-Mar-14 12:31:40

I wonder where he's getting the cheek oukking thing from? If he does it at school too then I wonder if he gets it at home.

I would be matter of fact about it - say what he did and ask how she deals with it at home so you know how to deal with him.

I8toys Fri 07-Mar-14 12:41:16

YANBU - he would not be invited back. Hopefully your DS with time will distance himself from this friendship and learn for himself that he can find a better friend elsewhere. My DS 10 did this with his controlling ex best friend and is happier for it.

I would certainly tell him off - I would not stand it from children so definitely would not from someone else's child. You are loco parentis!!

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