In thinking this is emotional abuse?

(38 Posts)
debbs77 Thu 27-Feb-14 18:33:32

Can't find a relationship thread, so putting it here.

Tonight my other half has for shitty with me. We've been arguing the last couple of days anyway. He pushes and pushes (verbally), takes the Mickey out of the way I'm talking, turns the blame round onto me. Until I blow and get mad.

Then he backs down, so he is essentially the one being shouted at. Tells me I'm the one with the problem. Acts all nice, smiling, asking for cuddles. Then is extra attentive to the kids.

I don't want a load of man haters shouting "leave him!" From the roof tops. This is a genuine post

You know I was all ready to be sympathetic and give advice until I got to the I don't want a load of man haters shouting "leave him!" instead have a biscuit. hmm

bebanjo Thu 27-Feb-14 19:19:48

If you believe you are being emotionally abused,but you don't want support to leave this man what do think you want?
No one can change him.
You know what he is like.
Do you want to stay with him?

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:21:18

Yes, this is not normal and it's abusive.

I love men which is why I know abusive ones when I see them.

redskyatnight Thu 27-Feb-14 19:22:22

Relate?

Sounds like neither of you are very good at communicating.

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:22:25

What has led you to believe that people who don't want people to abuse other people are man-haters?

rabbitlady Thu 27-Feb-14 19:26:50

yes its abuse. leave him.
man-haters? not me. i don't hate them. i just hate the way they sometimes behave.

Calloh Thu 27-Feb-14 19:28:28

Forgetting the final sentence of your post but dealing with the rest - I am no expert in this at all but I would have thought it is emotional abuse if there is a pre-meditated intention to chip away at your confidence by winding you up and then trying to make you believe that you are the unreasonable one.

Is this what he is doing or is he grumpy and then backing down when you challenge him?

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:28:53

Let's just suppose it's not abusive.

Does he see there's a problem?

Chottie Thu 27-Feb-14 19:29:20

I don't hate men either
But, if I was you, I would hate the way my DP was treating me sad he doesn't seem loving or caring.

I don't know any men who behave in that way.

AgentZigzag Thu 27-Feb-14 19:30:21

It could be seen as him winding you up, you starting to argue back, he calms down and then tries to make it up to you?

That doesn't sound abusive as such to me, unless there's more to it?

How often does it happen? If it's every day then I'd be wonder if I wanted to stay with someone I didn't get on with, but once a month could be explained away by a whole load of things that aren't abuse.

What happens if you keep calm and don't rise to the bait?

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:30:46
NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:33:00

Agent

I've been with my DH for 23 years. Not once has he taken the mickey out of me, nor me, him

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:37:03

... I mean in the midst of an argument

SeaSickSal Thu 27-Feb-14 19:37:37

I'm sorry but your argument sounds very much like the one abusive men use. 'She pushes me and pushes me until I lose it'. You're essentially blaming him for you losing control. That is your responsibility not his. It sounds like you are the one behaving badly but you're determined to blame it on him.

AgentZigzag Thu 27-Feb-14 19:40:24

Nor has mine after 13 years Newt, but some people's argument technique is little more than that of a 5 year old (without doing 5 YOs down), and they feel that making the other person out to be ridiculous (ironically) gives them more points (and I hate point scoring).

But that's not abusive on it's own, it's just the way they argue.

And it sounded as though he got back as much as he gave, 'blowing' to me (apart from a BJ) means exploding in anger.

It's just arguments.

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:41:21

SeaSickSal

That's an argument people use to explain hitting their partners. The OP did not say she hit her partner

AgentZigzag Thu 27-Feb-14 19:41:49

'... I mean in the midst of an argument'

Given grin

That'd be odd else.

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:43:01

Agent

Fair enough. Relentless arguing isn't healthy, and if the OPs DH doesn't see a problem (not sure if he does or doesn't) then she has got a problem

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Thu 27-Feb-14 19:44:14

What Seasick said. You can;t blame him for YOUR reaction. If you react that way, and neither of you are happy with that, then you need to consider your future together, or communicate about what is going on. You can go to a councelling service, such as Relate, or just talk to each other.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 27-Feb-14 19:44:38

You sound just as abusive as him.

Hoppinggreen Thu 27-Feb-14 19:46:09

I only hate abusive arseholes, can I be on this thread?

AgentZigzag Thu 27-Feb-14 19:48:03

I'm not sure I'd describe a couple of days as relentless Newt, it depends on why the OP thinks they've fallen out for that time.

The fact that DH backs down as much if not more that I do after an argument is one thing I value in him.

Much, much worse to have a sulker who punishes you for days and days, or one that goes on needling you to 'win' the game they're playing in their head.

That to me is more towards the boundary of abuse than someone who's contrite after the event.

MistressDeeCee Thu 27-Feb-14 19:53:07

Yes, he is an emotional abuser - he is gaslighting you, messing with your emotions by making you blow your top, and then increasing your stress and bad feelings by presenting you as the unreasonable one. Men like this never stop their behaviour, theyre addicted to the game as a cover up for whatever else is bothering them in their lives. They need the drama, and to feel superior to someone. Best is to completely and utterly ignore. Its no fun for them if you won't play the game. He will just find some other way to get you back though, its just what gaslighters do. A bunch of supposedly manhating women is the least of your problems, methinks..

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 19:53:25

Agent

Yes. I guess I'm reading stuff into this.

OP

I'd like to know if your DH apologises to you; if when you argue you reach a resolution

MistressDeeCee Thu 27-Feb-14 19:57:52

& theyre always contrite afterwards - they can afford to be, theyve had their fix.

AgentZigzag Thu 27-Feb-14 19:59:27

I read stuff into tons of threads too Newt, but the OP's hardly said anything really, just on its own I can't see how it's gaslighting or done in order to manipulate the OP for his own evil ends.

People argue, some all the time, some sniping at each other constantly, some of it is drawing on your own experiences of what you know pushes the other persons buttons. I'm not afraid to push DHs buttons if I think he's being an arse.

I don't think that makes me abusive it just means I've got a great memory for detail I won't take shit, and nor will he.

Horrible after it happens, but there aren't that many who genuinely enjoy a good barney.

debbs77 Thu 27-Feb-14 20:19:14

Thank you everyone for your messages.
The reason I added about Man haters is that I've seen so many threads on forums where people's immediate response is "leave him".

We argue every few weeks. Mainly about the kids as we are a step family and sometimes it gets too much.

The recent row was about our daughter and her bedtime routine. I made a comment which he took in completely the wrong way and got crappy with me. Same thing happened yesterday about something else.

The rest of the time we genuinely have a great relationship. He is great around the house, great with the kids. It's just this thing when we argue. He sees negativity in everything, be it me, or the kids. If someone paid him a compliment he could easily read a negative into it.

Yes I do blow up......because he literally pushes and pushes and pushes. I try to ignore him but I lose my temper, specially when he gets in my face. I've hurt him before, just by getting him out of my face .

I was married for ten years to my ex and I can count on one hand the arguments we ever had. My OH has had three women leave him. It's always been their fault though of course.

I am looking into counselling. We have too much together to lose, but I won't carry on this way

FLURMP Thu 27-Feb-14 20:55:22

This is how men are when they're winning the arguments. You must crush him.

SeaSickSal Thu 27-Feb-14 20:59:21

It is the same principle as hitting someone, blaming someone else for your own lack of control.

And it does appear that the OP HAS hurt him but justifies this as deserved as he was 'getting in her face'. Which also sounds like an abusive man.

And that's an awful thing to say. Having split up with 3 exes hardly counts as being roundly rejected by the whole of womankind, it's normal.

If your ex is so great why aren't you with him then? Do you tell your partner that you didn't argue with him?

After that comment about his exes and your admission of violence I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

Perhaps the reason why he always got dumped was because he tends to keep on trying even when relationships are unsalvageable. Ahem

chateauferret Thu 27-Feb-14 22:55:57

I'm not a man hater, I'm a man. And he is a twat. HTH.

noslimbody Thu 27-Feb-14 23:14:35

My stbxh used to do this. He has now moved on to upsetting the children in order to 'wind me up', after I started ignoring him.
He used to say anything he could to hurt me, until I complained, then keep talking over my voice, and when I spoke pretend not to hear me until I raised my voice then start calling me crazy.
I realised what was going on when I saw him snigger.
He also used to do the being all nice to kids thing to try to make them think that he was the nice one and that I was the scarey one. The being nice to the kids was not genuine, but just another tool to destroy my mental stability. My 7 year old used to tell me I was a stupid bitch a couple of years ago, I know where he learned that one..
You must ignore him, but be warned he will definitely move on to something else.

olgaga Fri 28-Feb-14 00:03:49

noslim
Oh dear you have just described my mum & dad. I am so pleased she left him before my younger siblings realised what was going on - but my older brother and I were traumatised.

And that's an understatement.

debbs77 Fri 28-Feb-14 00:10:43

Noslimbody, that is exactly what happens. Tonight my children didn't even bat an eyelid. I don't want it to be the norm for them, or for them to see me cry.

And for those of you saying you feel sorry for him, wow thanks. I would like to see how others would react to someone following you round while shouting at you, getting right in your face and you not react by pushing them away.

olgaga Fri 28-Feb-14 00:42:21

Call Women's Aid. Try to get help from anywhere you can for your children's sake and yours.

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Feb-14 00:47:02

You did say you'd hurt him in the past didn't you OP?

I can't see how anything can excuse 'hurting' someone, whatever you mean by that.

It's not OK to try and put the responsibility on to him for 'making' you do that, you chose to behave like that.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same given the situation, and have in the past, but you have to accept that it's not all him.

wyrdyBird Fri 28-Feb-14 00:58:59

Yes, this is EA.
If you would like more support, go to
Talk Topics > Body and Soul > Relationships

debbs77 Fri 28-Feb-14 09:53:25

By hurting him I mean completely by accident while trying to push his face out of mine I've scratched him

Half the problem is that it is my house and he would refuse to leave

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