DH has been keeping tabs on my mumsnet posts !

(63 Posts)
Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 08:18:50

Name changed for obvious reasons... he read some not so nice things about himself .. Ha !

I feel a like he's invaded my privacy. I've never shared my nickname with him so he must have sneaked around a bit to find it out.

He says it's a public forum so I shouldn't mind...

TamerB Thu 27-Feb-14 08:20:47

Of course you should mind! Having changed your name make sure you erase your history on the computer each time. Don't write anything that can identify you and change a few details.

Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 08:24:59

I never thought about the history ! I am careful never to give any details that could out me.. he may have been stalking me for ages !!

It's a weird thing. I know MN is public but I felt like it was my private thing.

Whocansay Thu 27-Feb-14 08:29:53

It's a public forum yes. But he must have noticed that no-one uses their real name. Hence it's supposed to be anonymous. Tell him to stop stalking you.

and then start a thread about his small penis

MyMILisfromHELL Thu 27-Feb-14 08:34:48

Why is he stalking you? Why are you spilling the beans on him, what's he done that's bad enough to plaster on a public forum? Is he controlling/abusive towards you?

MsVestibule Thu 27-Feb-14 08:40:06

I hate this "it's a public forum" thing. If we used our real name and photo, then fair enough...

I was annoyed that DH even accidentally found out my user name. If I found out he ever stalked me on here, I'd be bloody furious.

I do think it's a risk you take when you use a forum like this. I have to say, if DP used an equivalent forum and I found out he'd been posting intimate details about our relationship or about an argument we'd had, I'd be very tempted to read more of it and to find out what he'd been saying.

I think once you know someone's talking about you, it's hard to say "oh, I'll leave them to it". It's natural for humans to be really curious about things like this, I think.

bleedingheart Thu 27-Feb-14 08:42:37

It is a public forum but that's very invasive and unpleasant behaviour. Do you not get 'space' for yourself?
I'd be really annoyed if my DH did this.

evelynj Thu 27-Feb-14 08:50:58

Well I'd be annoyed too but my dh reads my fb messages I'm sure. I've started using it as a way to communicate with him & carefully phrase my complaints to my friend so he knows he needs to do more housework, say how much I want something etc.

I'd be more annoyed about my dh reading the stuff not about him on here. Anyway it's clearly an invasion of privacy & you should be compensated!

magimedi Thu 27-Feb-14 08:51:15

Only because I've never had the chance to get this in first:

LTB! grin

MrSweetPickle Thu 27-Feb-14 08:54:37

BirchwoodHe shouldn't hound you, however, have you given him reason not to trust you. Have you cheated on him? If yes, then I don't blame him (extensively).

BitsinTatters Thu 27-Feb-14 09:08:57

During an argument my own DP said some thing to me which was exactly what I had posted on MN about my mental health (post natal depression at the time)

He had been regularly reading my posts.

I was fucking furious. It nearly tipped me over the edge. It wasn't just one post it was ALL of them. Talking about stitches and poo etc. I I was and still am disgusted with his snooping and only think he did it because he's such a shallow twat that has secrets to hide himself. I really should LTB.

I've got a new username btw

Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 09:13:40

No no cheating from either of us ... I've given him no reason at all to be suspicious and posted nothing I wouldn't say to his face if I had to. Just unnerved me to know that he's been reading what I've written...

Tempting to create some posts to mess with his head now but it's really not my style...

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:14:53

delete your history and log out always log out this is your space to off load or just chat, he has no right to snoop on you if my dh did this i would be annoyed, I dont even moan about him just I think it is rude and snooping, why is your husband snooping does he do it elsewhere ?

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 09:15:12

has the stuff he read made any difference OP?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 27-Feb-14 09:15:32

I think with that thread title he'll be up to date again, good luck changing nn and don't lose this place to vent.

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 09:16:17

My dh regularly checks my posts I am very mentally I'll and I guess it gives a guide as to how stable I am.

bodybooboo Thu 27-Feb-14 09:17:35

he needs a hobby. don't tempt to play games op as that could backfire.

change your user name again. he probably is just curious about what women say to each other.

but yes I would be miffed too.

ExcuseTypos Thu 27-Feb-14 09:20:20

Gosh, has he got nothing better to do?

ReadyToPopAndFresh Thu 27-Feb-14 09:25:26

Mr. Birchwood, you're being pathetic (stop stalking your partner!)

birchwood maybe delete your account entirely and set up a new one? Also change your email and the password and secret questionn for it. You don't know how he found out this name and it may be that he is actually in all your other accounts.

whois Thu 27-Feb-14 09:38:32

I wouldn't like to think my DP was posting about me on a forum, but I also wouldn't like it if he was checking up on what I had been posting! So I'm being a splinter bum on the fence!

Dumpylump Thu 27-Feb-14 09:44:00

Dp did this to me too. I had been asking for some advice on the step boards. We had an argument about something that his dc had said and he said "well you can plaster that all over fucking Mumsnet if you like, but don't you dare put my kids on the Internet".
I had no idea he was reading my posts! I hadn't said anything that wasn't true, and was looking for advice rather than simply venting (although there's nothing wrong with a good vent).
I have name changed a couple of times since then, and we are no longer together.

MrSweetPickle Thu 27-Feb-14 09:45:15

To the women saying that it's not right, if your dh/dp was posting on a MRA site would you check up on him and his posts?

I don't think that he should spy btw.

Mrsantithetic Thu 27-Feb-14 09:47:08

I don't know if my Dp reads mine or not. He finds the full mn amusing and if I ever say I read it on mn he shouts " leavveee thhheeeeee bastaaard" whilst stamping his foot. grin

I think he is a secret mnetter

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:47:32

no I would never check up on my husband on the internet why would I need too , my dh thinks forums is a pile of poo tbh and is smug that he doesn't use them hmm

wishingchair Thu 27-Feb-14 09:49:25

He shouldn't spy but I also would want to read what my DH had said about me if he had been posting stuff about me!

I'd be annoyed at him for snooping. But I'd also be annoyed if he posted stuff about me online for all and sundry to read and judge.

DorianReprise Thu 27-Feb-14 09:49:26

I feel your pain (let people have somewhere to moan!) - my idiot SIL, a snide expert on parenting, housekeeping, budgeting, long term relationships and anything else that might come up (despite being single, childless and living with mummy and daddy for whole adult life so far) has not only stalked me and partner here/elsewhere, but is now starting to in real life.

There's nothing so fun as people who won't keep their bloody nose out! angry

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:51:27

I'd be annoyed at him for snooping. But I'd also be annoyed if he posted stuff about me online for all and sundry to read and judge.

really but people don't know who you are what if you vented about your husband online would you let him read it ? I guess different strokes and all that but I do believe people need to vent somewhere if they need to get something off their chest

DorianReprise Thu 27-Feb-14 09:52:42

wishingchair I have avoided doing that so it's never been an issue for me, but yeah I guess information that is literally about your relationship and in the public domain is probably fair game. If it was between friends I think lots of us would consciously avoid snooping, whereas published... yeah point well made.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 27-Feb-14 10:00:09

I don't think MN is a female equivalent to an MRA site. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was a MRA, or who wanted to join an MRA community so they could have arguments/troll the MRAs. Neither option suggests compatibility with me.

Regardless, I still wouldn't read his posts on it (or any other forum). Same as I don't read his FB messages or his emails. I could if I wanted to (his phone and ipad are easy to access) but it's not something I'd want to do.

PoorOldCat Thu 27-Feb-14 10:03:20

My mother told me she has done this - she told me last week, I am not over it yet.

Breach of trust or what. But then I think I knew I could not trust her to start with. This just confirms she has no boundaries.

Sorry OP - I'd feel exactly the same. Hope you can sort it out without cutting his hands off.

Lazyjaney Thu 27-Feb-14 10:03:51

"I'd be annoyed at him for snooping. But I'd also be annoyed if he posted stuff about me online for all and sundry to read and judge"

Quite. Lots of hypocrisy on here.

Golden rule of t'Internet. It never forgets. Don't write things you wouldn't want read in a court of law.

Floggingmolly Thu 27-Feb-14 10:04:31

How on earth would you "guess" someone's username on an anonymous forum? hmm. Several of my friends claim to use Mumsnet; there is no way I could find them on here even if I deliberately tried.
How did he know what to search for that led to the great unveiling?

KidLorneRoll Thu 27-Feb-14 10:10:43

Personally, I think posting personal information a a person without them knowing is just as big an invasion of privacy. If you wouldn't say it to their face, you probably shouldn't say it to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 27-Feb-14 10:19:48

What does MRA mean?

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 10:25:20

male rights activist

DorianReprise Thu 27-Feb-14 10:26:50

"If you wouldn't say it to their face, you probably shouldn't say it to a bunch of strangers on the internet."

Not necessarily. I can understand when you're talking about your DP, but how many threads are there on MN where a confrontation would be all too easy to do/satisfying (and well deserved on the part of the offending person) but civil behaviour and care for loved ones dictate that we find another way.

ItsSoooFluffy Thu 27-Feb-14 10:27:02

One of the reason I haven't told my dp my user name. That's one of the reason I love mumsnet the anonymity of it grin so YANBU to be annoyed.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 10:28:07

OH is that what it means Mumsnet really isn't an activist site is it,

kid if a woman is being abused by her husband or just needing a moan she cant say these things to her husband to say well they should say to the person is a wee bit short sighted imo

Fairy1303 Thu 27-Feb-14 10:34:56

STBXH stalked me on MN because he saw that I'd read a thread entitled 'wracked with guilt over delivery man'

He was so paranoid he thought I'd posted it after having sex with the delivery man.

Fucking twat.

echt Thu 27-Feb-14 10:37:59

Astonished at the suggestion that if you can't say it in RL the you shouldn't say it here.

tell that to gaslighted women
the financially abused women
the women who post who walk on eggshells with their abusive OHs

Perhaps the ones who post such suggestions should add their real names and addresses with their posts.

Thought not. hmm

Not so clever now, eh?

fosterg Thu 27-Feb-14 10:41:01

Well, at the bottom of each page there is a box for adding a message.
This clearly shows one's nickname. I've always thought that strange and anyone else who uses the same computer can see it. I think it only happens when you've logged in.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 10:42:25

I have just realised what STBXH it has been baffiling me for months, sorry to go off post but it has been annoying me what it meant, sorry your soon to be ex husband was such a twat fairy

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 10:42:58

maybe HQ could do a clever thing where our own nickname is starred out on posts we make and the login areas, as an option. Like a privacy mode?

KidLorneRoll Thu 27-Feb-14 10:43:07

Fairly obviously, there is a difference between talking to a bunch of unqualified strangers publicly on the internet and seeking help from actual, trained professionals who abide by ethical codes and operate with a degree of confidentiality.

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 10:44:59

kid, often, opening up to just anyone is a first step.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 10:47:11

actually talking to a bunch of unqualified strangers can do better at the time than going to some professional that you might find it difficult to open up to,

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 10:48:07

and while I am on it just chatting to strangers can be theraputic and make your day that bit better,

MissHobart Thu 27-Feb-14 10:48:25

My OH knows I go on MN as I seem to have a small addiction! grin

The laptop has a bookmark and I'm always logged in but I'm sure he wouldn't snoop, I don't say anything that interesting! hmm I've told him it's a place I can talk to other people going through the same stuff as me (ttc) who understand add I'm really sure he didn't want to hear me go on and on about ovulation and mucus!

But I would be miffed if he did snoop! confused

tryingreallytrying Thu 27-Feb-14 10:53:04

Huge invasion of privacy. I'd be livid if dh did that. I tell him about lots/most of what I post if he'd be interested (he wouldn't be mostly) but snooping no - it would be like reading someone's diary...

Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 11:14:02

The trouble with Dh snooping was what he saw.

I stated in a post that if things didn't improve I'd want to leave him.. It was only a private thought in the heat of an angry moment but he's taken it as a real indication of my intentions. Things weren't going that well but this has taken it to a whole new level before I'd had a chance to privately with help from you lot work through what i was feeling.

Sometimes we need to vent and MN is a great place to anonymously get empathy and support and test out our feelings without making it real.

wishingchair Thu 27-Feb-14 11:19:41

I totally agree with you Birchwood ... it is great to be anonymous and get opinions on something you might not want to discuss in real life.

All I'm saying is, I'd want to know what my DH had posted about me, knowing full well I might not like it and I could be opening a can of worms. Curiosity killed the cat as they say ...

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 11:22:57

Birchwod that must be so difficult for you and him has he reacted very badly how are you going to sort it do you know?

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 11:24:07

TBH i am not that easy to live with sometimes and i wish my husband did post somewhere to get it off his chest he seethes and we argue when it gets to a point, not saying he is perfect by any means

wannaBe Thu 27-Feb-14 11:24:50

"it would be like reading someone's diary..." what rubbish. this notion that mn is anonymous and therefore someone's private space has always baffled me. It is a public forum. yes it is a place where you create a username, but the longer you post there the more information you are likely to post about yourself that makes you identifyable to anyone you might be posting about. Maybe not even now, maybe in two, five, ten years time when someone stumbles across it and recognises you, or themselves in your postings.

And what we also seem to lose sight of is that when someone posts about their situation online it is rarely a balanced view. so if someone is aware that you are posting about them I'm not sure it's unreasonable to want to know what they've been posting to see just how realistic it is or whether the post has been deliberately made to look as if the op is the only injured party iyswim.

I think there's a difference between discovering someone's posts about you though and then going on to read them, which tbh I don't actually think is unreasonable, nor do I think anyone would stop themselves from doing, and snooping to find someone's username and then go looking.

But it is fairly simple, if you don't want people to read about your private business then don't post it on public websites.

And if you want a diary set up a blog.

Golferman Thu 27-Feb-14 11:31:28

Good grief, whatever next, women snooping on their partner's phones/emails/FB? Oh hang on.........

Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 12:33:35

It's ironic that I am always telling the Dc. if you are not willing to put your thoughts on a giant billboard on the way into town, then don't post them online. I've just learnt how true that is !

Dh and I have talked and it has brought things to a head. His snooping kind of forced my hand but we were going to have to face things at some point.

Even though MN is as public as it gets.. I still felt i had a right to a bit of privacy though ! confused

Lazyjaney Thu 27-Feb-14 14:16:53

I'd bet all those on here saying it's an invasion of privacy would go ballistic if they found their partners were splashing parts of their private lives on Internet forums.

Hypocrites all.

My ex used to/maybe still does read mine

Hi saddo grin

MollyHooper Thu 27-Feb-14 14:35:09

DH knows my NN and would never snoop through my posts, he posts here too and I have never searched his. That's just odd.

The fact that he went to the trouble to work out your NN then read through your posts makes him look like a freaky asshole.

Was he looking for an argument, hoping he would find dirt you posted about him so he could start shit?

Birchwood Thu 27-Feb-14 14:51:27

In a funny way .. it surprises me to know he cared enough to look... he gives the impression he's just not very interested in me at all !

MollyHooper Thu 27-Feb-14 15:04:22

Well, that's not good.

Maybe this would be a good excuse for you guys to sit down and have a good long chat about your relationship?

He can't ignore the fact that he was snooping and you need to know what exactly he was hoping to find.

TamerB Thu 27-Feb-14 16:20:11

Nothing hypocritical about it at all, LazyJane. You need trust-he wouldn't do it. There is nothing I post that he couldn't read, I just wouldn't want him to-I don't admit being on MN to anyone at all.

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