To be irritated by pil and their ridiculous comments?

(41 Posts)
Onelittlebugbear Wed 26-Feb-14 08:14:35

There is a back story here of pil being very interfering and possessive of ds since he was born. But it is long so I won't go into it but I guess I am possibly more annoyed by them then I would be without it.

They came over yesterday after ds had finished school and here are a selection of comments that made me grit my teeth.

Mil - ds is probably better at school than at home with you where you were spoiling him. (Ds is 4, I was a sahm until he started school)
Mil - oh well that's it now, he's growing up and won't want anything to do with you soon (guess he won't want to visit you every single weekend either then)
Mil (whilst ds was there) - one thing I've noticed is he's not very good at writing (he's 4. And he already doesn't like it. Don't say it where he can hear you. And anyway his sounding out is spot on, the handwriting granted needs work but he's 4)
FIL - I'm surprised ds has settled in at school. We thought you'd have real problems because he'd been at home with you. (Ds had been to nursery and is actually very very confident. Plus mil was a sahm and in fact has never worked ever so if they are casting judgements on me staying at home with ds then they really shouldn't)
Mil - I bet he prefers being at school where there are lots of other children to play with since he's an only child. (This month have had our first failed ivf cycle in attempt to give ds a sibling, mil knows this. And ds likes being at school or at home, being an only one does not seem to have caused him any great trauma.

So am I BU? I now just don't say anything and let it go because I've discovered that arguing with them makes no difference. Mil has never liked me stopping at home with ds I think because she's jealous. She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him.

Amy106 Wed 26-Feb-14 08:19:58

YANBU. MIL sounds like quite the pita to be honest. I would not allow to say anything negative in front of ds. You need to protect him from her nasty comments.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 26-Feb-14 08:20:43

YANBU they sound vile.

Pigletin Wed 26-Feb-14 08:22:38

Where is your DP in this? He should be dealing with them and their comments, not you.

jenniuol Wed 26-Feb-14 08:22:52

Yanbu. Previous issues or not those type of comments would irritate me intensely.

puntasticusername Wed 26-Feb-14 08:24:11

Wow, they sound like absolute treasures hmm

What does your DH/DP think of all this? He ought to be protecting you and telling his parents to wind their necks in.

I agree, it seems that the negative remarks you've quoted do focus on your DS being at home with you, which would make (some twisted kind of) sense if your MIL wanted to take care of him herself.

Scrounger Wed 26-Feb-14 08:25:48

Time for DS to have after school activities and / or friends over to play so it isn't convenient for them to come over.

Boys typically develop their fine motor skills later than girls so he will get better at writing and enjoy it more as he gets less frustrated with it. I agree with you and others, they shouldn't be making those comments esp putting him down.

There you have your explanation why she is being vile. A simple, heartfelt smile from you along with the words 'if you keep being horrid to me I might not let you see DS anymore' ought to do it. Repeat every time she offends. She will get it eventually.

diddl Wed 26-Feb-14 08:32:33

"She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him."

So she brought up her own son & wants to bring yours up as well??!!

I must admit that I'm a very private person & she seems (to me) to know a lot about what is going on in your lives.

Perhaps that makes her feel she is in a position to comment?

Dukketeater Wed 26-Feb-14 08:36:59

Aarrgghh INLAWS! One day we will be them and I hate the thought of it...

They are horrible comments from MIL... Just imagine yourself fly kicking her everytime thats what I do with mine...

Onelittlebugbear Wed 26-Feb-14 08:55:36

Dh is away unfortunately and they wanted to come over. Originally I was set to say no but then felt bad as they are ds's grandparents and one day I will likely be a mil too so was hoping for good karma.

However once they'd arrived I wanted them to go away! Mil is incredibly selfish and thoughtless. She only sees what she wants and has no interest in anyone else. Last time she came with me to fetch ds from school he unfortunately hugged her before me which wouldn't have mattered except she then said 'see Bug, he's not bothered about you now his nanna's here.'

Dh just laughs it off and says it's because they love ds so much but honestly it's more like ds is a possession and they want ownership! That's how it feels to me anyway. When ds was a baby she used to call herself 'mummy.' hmm I did nip that in the bud.

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 26-Feb-14 09:00:05

Just ignore. It gets easier to do this over time. Both my mil and mum were like this. It's their problem.

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 26-Feb-14 09:01:56

Lol my mil was trying to negotiate with me at 8 weeks pregnant how many days I would go back to work so I could give her the baby! I recognised at that point she was going to be a major pain (and I was right lol )

YANBU
They sound horrid. I don't think your husband is taking it seriously enough. When my MiL has attempted similar dh told her straight away.

Meerka Wed 26-Feb-14 09:09:09

She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him.

Ouch.

Ok, i think you need to stop feeling bad about saying no. No matter how hard it is for your MIL to accept your son is YOURS not hers, she's allowing her comments to be really nasty.

Talk it over with your husband, is he on your side? does he understand why you're so fed up? If not, he needs to.

and then, frankly, follow workingitout's advice. Tell her flat. She can either shape up or take the consequences. And be prepared for the fall out.

But you have no obligation to take this kind of crap and some obligation not to. Because I can guarentee she'll undermine you to you son as soon as ever she gets him on his own. This may look annoying but relatively harmless atm, but it has the potential to cause real trouble in the longer term. Not saying it will, but it's got the potential.

Chocotrekkie Wed 26-Feb-14 09:11:02

Next time they ask to visit you or your oh could say

"no - I don't want my child exposed to your comments. He doesn't need to hear how he is bad at writing and I don't need your criticism about being a Sahm or him being an only child"

When oh is home he will visit you with our child.

YuccanLiederHorticulture Wed 26-Feb-14 09:22:00

what a nasty person.
Dh needs to get a grip and start being on your side. The two of you need to set a united front making it clear that you will not be seeing them as much as you have been and contact will continue to be reduced unless the nastiness stops.
Whenever she says something hurtful, say "we've introduced a rule now that if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. It's fine to sit in silence if you can't think of something"

Nanny0gg Wed 26-Feb-14 09:31:53

Dh just laughs it off and says it's because they love ds so much

No it's not (I'm a MiL). It's because they're nasty.

He needs to pull them up on it, pronto.

diddl Wed 26-Feb-14 09:41:39

Why is it we constantly feel guilt/obligation towards people who are horrible to us?

They are rude to & about you & about your child-their own GC!!!!

If anything, your son needs protecting from them!

LoonvanBoon Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:03

YANBU. They're being downright nasty, & your DH (based on what you say of his attitude when he is around) is sticking his head in the sand in the interests of a quiet life.

This won't get better by itself. Plan a whole series of clear, assertive phrases to cover these occasions, & use them. Let your PIL know in no uncertain terms that you don't welcome their criticism, that you know they're being nasty, & that you won't tolerate them putting down your child or undermining you.

If that doesn't stop them, don't see them without your DH. And tell him to start standing up to his parents & letting them know what is / isn't acceptable. I know that's easier said than done, but he needs to do it.

So sick of reading about men who let their wives / partners cope with THEIR difficult relatives without support, or who minimise what's going on so they don't have to be the bad guy.

Kiwiinkits Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:18

The best way to nip it in the bud is to be straight with her. Your DH doesn't need to fight your battles, you're a grown up, you can stand up for yourself.

Practice this sentence. "[MIL's first name], that's not very nice and I'm offended. Did you mean it to sound that way?"

Kiwiinkits Wed 26-Feb-14 09:54:01

(YANBU, their comments are awful and would truly piss me off)

starsandmoonandback Wed 26-Feb-14 09:57:22

Oh one. How insensitive of them. In so many ways. I agree to say something to them about not being welcome if all they can do is put you down. Explain it's not a good example of social behaviour for your son to be learning!! Your dh should be supporting you more too, but I know my dh can hear no wrong about his DM, to my frustration sometimes.

Hugs x

ROARmeow Wed 26-Feb-14 09:58:24

They sound very insecure and try to 'outdo' you to make themselves feel important.

The comment about your DS being an only child while knowing you were having fertility treatment was cruel. sad

YANBU.

capsium Wed 26-Feb-14 09:59:36

Don't engage with them. They are obviously spouting nonsense and it does not come from a good place.

Maybe they feel threatened now that you and their son have a child together. Uh oh, they really aren't the most important thing in their son's life!

They'll probably get sick of this, something else will come along for them to poke their moses into.

Just don't engage, don't take any notice. Be polite, change the subject, leave the room to make tea or something. Avoid, avoid, avoid would be my advice. Don't give this behaviour any more attention than it deserves, which is none.

capsium Wed 26-Feb-14 10:00:05

^noses. Typo!

ChunkyPickle Wed 26-Feb-14 10:04:15

YANBU. Harness that annoyance into a cold fury, and respond in kind (or with dignity), but do respond I think that remaining silent gives them permission to continue

You're going to need to be brutal though - that or just stop seeing them - only send them round with DP.

ems1910 Wed 26-Feb-14 10:05:28

The last comment in particular was very cruel sad

Absolutely stop seeing them alone. Pull them up on it every single time they say something. Have you mentioned that she herself was a sahm?

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 10:06:14

* Last time she came with me to fetch ds from school he unfortunately hugged her before me which wouldn't have mattered except she then said 'see Bug, he's not bothered about you now his nanna's here

Amazing how they translate things isnt it.

My DD rushed up to anyone who went to collect her from nursery but running up to gradma is suddenly translated into how much she misses her and loves her so much she nearly bowled her over confused.

I wouldn't be putting up with these comments, NO its not because they love him so much its because she feels lots of strange feelings and is transferring them onto you.

I would be tackling each one as they came :" oh do you think so, have you got any stats to back this up, we have many friends who DC didnt even go to nursery like DS DID and they have all adjusted just fine....they are exposed to other children at toddler groups, play centers and so on.

Oh were is the latest reading matter on that issue? and so on.

I would also pull her up on speaking in front of the child about any issues.
There is no way I would allow that.

And a good shutter upper might be, so what did you do when DH was young, sometimes it sounds like your bitter perhaps you regret some of your choices?

ems1910 Wed 26-Feb-14 10:06:30

I wouldn't let my oh take my child to see them alone either, goodness knows what they will say to him!

diddl Wed 26-Feb-14 10:09:13

The last comment was nasty beyond belief.

Some people choose to have one child & it's nobody elses business.

School is not the only chance to mix with others!

And even if you do have a sibling, it's unlikely that you spend all your spare time with them!

flossy101 Wed 26-Feb-14 10:12:10

YANBU!

I really don't get the whole MIL wanting to have the grand kids all the
Time. I have a DS so will likely be a mil one day, and I'm sure I will love being a grandmother as I do a
Mother, but I will have had my chance to do all my mothering and quite frankly once I'm retired
I'm Not sure id want to be looking after babies in all my free time.

She sounds downright nasty.

RnB Wed 26-Feb-14 10:16:00

Wow. What a nasty piece of work

oldgrandmama Wed 26-Feb-14 10:20:43

As a MIL myself (of five grandkids) my jaw dropped to the floor reading OP's post. Her PIL are WAY out of order, just awful. You've had some great advice here ... and re your comment about karma, I'm sure that one day you'll be a lovely MIL yourself!

LoonvanBoon Wed 26-Feb-14 10:21:44

I would be tackling each one as they came :" oh do you think so, have you got any stats to back this up, we have many friends who DC didnt even go to nursery like DS DID and they have all adjusted just fine....they are exposed to other children at toddler groups, play centers and so on.

I used to do this with my MIL when the kids were little, & I have to say I wouldn't take this approach if I had my time again. I think it can give the impression that that you feel you DO have to justify yourself, that it's okay for her to give her unwanted opinions & that you're then obliged to respond.

I would definitely pull her up on this whenever she does it, but in much more general terms. I like kiwi's suggested phrase upthread. Other possibilities are:

"That's an unkind thing to say & I don't want to hear that sort of comment again"

"I feel offended by that comment & I'd like you to keep your opinions to yourself"

"Were you meaning to be nasty?"

"I wasn't asking for advice / your opinions on my choices"

"I understand that what's you think but we're the parents & we make the decisions"

If they follow up with some sort of denial - we were only trying to help, we were only giving our views, it was only a joke, etc. - you can repeat your main point.

"I understand that you were only [trying to help or whatever] but I still don't want to hear those kind of comments in my home".

likegulliverstravelsbutmorebit Wed 26-Feb-14 10:27:29

Dukk "Just imagine yourself fly kicking her everytime thats what I do with mine..."

The bonus with this sort of thing is that it makes you snigger when they say fucking stupid things.

Pigsmummy Wed 26-Feb-14 13:01:47

Spit in their tea and stop sharing such personal stuff. (IVF) with these people and any other people who can not be trusted to behave sensitively.

magesticmallow Wed 26-Feb-14 13:11:27

When ds was a baby she used to call herself 'mummy.' hmm I did nip that in the bud

What??? Sorry your going to have to elaborate on that while I pick my jaw up off the floor!

Amber76 Wed 26-Feb-14 13:43:24

I agree that your PIL are rude.

I'm not defending them in any way but I will just make the comment that my MIL says stupid things all the time - not to be deliberately nasty as such, rather something is said without any thought.

For example, she regularly comments that my daughter(2) will never be able to go to school as she so attached to me - the first few times I looked a bit puzzled and said something like "she'll be fine". More recently, I just smile and ignore.

I've gotten the comments about how I spoil them too - sometimes I think grandparents think they are being funny?

PicaK Wed 26-Feb-14 13:44:13

Cow. She's a fucking cow. Just for the "only child" comment.

At a time when you need love and support.

So angry on your behalf

thanks

TigerTrumpet Wed 26-Feb-14 13:57:44

Not much advice from me, but I'm watching with interest for stock phrases to use when I have similar from my PILs - like you we managed to nip in the bud their wanting to be called 'the real mummy' and 'the real daddy' when our PFB was little but we still get lots of weird comments and assumptions about DD.

Like ringing at 7.30am when we're all trying to leave for work etc to see how DD slept because 'she's terrified of the wind'. Er, no she's not but please don't say that in front of her or she'll think it's something to be scared of. The best thing for us was to refuse any visits without DH there because he acts like a buffer for the worst of it.

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