A wedding gift one. Regarding money and contributing to something.

(30 Posts)

DP and I are getting married next year. We're not planning on having a huge wedding or doing the whole gift list thing though we've already had queries as to what sort of thing we'd have on our 'gift list' hmm

Would it be unreasonable of us to ask people to contribute to a lifetime National Trust membership for us if they want to give us anything? It's something we'd love and would hugely benefit us in the future when we have children (and before we have children to of course). Or would it be grabby to ask for money towards something? I know that paying towards the honeymoon is a big thing these days, my sister did it, but as we're likely going to be camping in Devon for our honeymoon that's not one that we'd need help with particularly!

MrsCurly Wed 19-Feb-14 21:00:30

I think if people ask you what would you like it's ok to say. But it's not ok for you to ask people.

CrohnicallyFarting Wed 19-Feb-14 21:02:39

Now, I know a lot of people on MN think asking for money is a big no-no, but to be honest EVERY couple that I know that has got married but were living together before have done it. Including us, and yes we did put it in the invitations(as did everyone else that we know of) because it saved us having the same conversation 20 or 30 times 'no, there's really nothing that we want or need.... Well if you feel you must give us something, we'd love a contribution towards our honeymoon...'

Anyway, YWNBU and that sounds like a lovely gift that will keep on giving!

Hmm, how do you go about addressing gifts in the invite? Do you just exclude it and hope that people who would buy gifts would ask before buying something, or do you put a note about it which, to me, feels a bit grabby?

CrohnicallyFarting Wed 19-Feb-14 21:04:02

Oh, forgot to say, so long as you make it clear that it's optional, that what you really want is for people to come and celebrate with you, but if they want to they can donate. If that makes sense.

X-post! smile

GirlInASwing Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:23

If i were a guest I would be happy to contribute to something so nice smile

ohhifruit Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:24

It's ok to suggest it if they ask, however it is NOT ok to ask people.

CMOTDibbler Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:27

I don't normally like cash requests, but when its for something very specific (and not a honeymoon) I'd be OK with it.

NearTheWindmill Wed 19-Feb-14 21:06:02

I think it's a lovely idea but why don't you contact the NT and ask them if they cn set up an account for the lifelong membership so people can donate directly to it?

Oo, I never thought of that Windmill, I will do! We were planning to get one eventually so we could just top it up ourselves to get it to membership cost.

Weddings are a minefield of offending people and misunderstandings :s

BrokenToeOuch Wed 19-Feb-14 21:12:52

Good Gawd, only on MN do people agonise over such things grin
(Sorry, not trying to be rude, though it may come across that way!)
Every wedding invite I have ever been to as an adult guest has come complete with either a gift list reference number, or a request for cash for x,y,z. Never has it occurred me to get offended and start branding my friends/family as grabby/entitled/bridezilla etc. I have simply either bought a gift off the list or stuck cash in an envelope.
Do whatever you want. If people want to buy something they will. If people want to contribute, they will. If people don't want to give you anything as a wedding present, they won't. I wouldn't give it a second thought as IME, people that want to celebrate your wedding day won't be upset or distraught to see you would like donations to a NT membership if they care to give a gift!

I blame MN for pondering this really Broken! grin

MimiSunshine Wed 19-Feb-14 21:16:38

Hey don't you out a note in the invites just saying what you've out here?
^A few people have already asked if there is anything we'd like as a wedding present. We've thought about it and if you were thinking of giving us something, we'd love contributions to a NT lifetime membership for our future family.
But either way we hope you can join us on the xx/xx/xx to celebrate our wedding.^

ChrisMooseAlbanians Wed 19-Feb-14 21:20:28

Watching this with interest as I am struggling with this too! Cheers OP grin

Viviennemary Wed 19-Feb-14 21:21:34

I agree with MrsCurly. When you are asked it's perfectly fine to say what you'd like. But beyond crass to ask for money or anything else in an invitation. It's sad that it is now seen to be the norm. It's cheeky, grabby and entitled.

cakebar Wed 19-Feb-14 21:24:39

I think it's fine, I would like to contribute to a gift like this. I almost never contribute to honeymoon funds, which are cheeky in my book.

soverylucky Wed 19-Feb-14 21:29:12

Mrs Curly has it spot on.

At no other celebration would people think it ok to dictate what gifts can and can not be given or be welcome. If people ask then tell them but if they don't ask and get you something else or nothing at all then please don't be ungrateful.

Sorry to other posters but I am firmly in the 'no requests for money at a wedding' camp.

blondefriend Wed 19-Feb-14 21:30:48

For our wedding we didn't want to have the usual "contributions towards our honeymoon" in writing in the invitation so we made a list of activities that we wanted to do with the estimated price. We then sent photos of us doing those activities in the thank you cards. Could you do something similar? Entrance to Buckland Abbey = £20 (for example).

TimeToThinkOfYourFuture Wed 19-Feb-14 21:32:07

We just said nothing. We got given John Lewis vouchers smile

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 19-Feb-14 21:34:12

If people ask, then fine but incredibly grasping and tacky to ask in the invites. Akin to charging an entry fee.

specialsubject Wed 19-Feb-14 21:53:28

what a great idea!

a wedding is an invite to a party. When you go to a party you take something for the host.

pootlebug Wed 19-Feb-14 21:56:16

Can you let key people know you'd like that if people ask? So your parents, siblings etc. Many people will ask them if there is a gift list, so they can let guests know that there isn't but that they know you'd love a lifetime national trust membership etc. Others will just want to choose their own gift and will do so.

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 22:01:45

If people ask, tell them.

OwlinaTree Wed 19-Feb-14 22:20:25

Since the dawn of time people have had wedding gift lists. I really don't think this is grabby or tacky, sorry.

It used to be toasters and bed sheets, but vouchers or contributions are quite normal now.

Giving a gift is all part of the wedding tradition.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 19-Feb-14 22:30:11

That's a great idea for a present. If NT will sort it out so people don't have to declare how much they've given that's even better.

Caterina99 Wed 19-Feb-14 23:59:21

You can't win. You get people on here moaning that it's "grabby" to have a gift list in the invitation and specify that you would prefer (you are not demanding) money or honeymoon contributions. In real life the majority of weddings I've been to in last 5 years (about 20!) have had some kind of mention of gifts in the invitation and the ones that haven't have caused people to moan because they don't know what to buy!

meganorks Thu 20-Feb-14 00:42:36

Yeah only on mn is this a problem. In rl I know more people would be annoyed because they didn't know what to buy if no mention in the invitation. And people don't tell you what buy they simply say 'if you want to get us a gift there is a list'.
Just do what you want and tell any mners to come here and have a moan and decline your invitation if too offended!

MsAspreyDiamonds Thu 20-Feb-14 02:44:33

How about incorporating a mix of the above suggestions, so:

Inserting a no boxed gifts line in the invite implies that you would like cash without specifically asking for it. So if you do receive cash, you can then buy your NT membership with it.

Don't ask for a gift but wait for enquiries from guests.

Certainly do not ask for cash donations to help pay for the wedding as some here have reported to be on the receiving end of. Absolutely crass.

vj32 Thu 20-Feb-14 08:03:01

Its difficult enough sometimes organising going to a wedding if you have to travel long distance without all this fuss about people not having a gift list or whatever, then having to ring around and find out what they want. We have done loads of DH's cousins' weddings in various parts of the country with small DC and to be honest I prefer things as easy as possible and that means a gift list or giving money for something. If it was close family I would buy them a gift and would have some ideas, but for these huge weddings I don't feel bad at all about giving money.

So it depends on who you are inviting as well I guess.

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