Can't decide how unreasonable I'm being. It's a pregnant wedding one(69 Posts)
We've been invited to a wedding on my due date, DP has been invited to stag do 3 weeks before I'm due in Amsterdam. It's DPs cousin and the wedding is about a 2 hour drive away, we also have a 3 year old who I don't think is invited.
My first reaction was that we obviously wouldn't be able to go to either, but DP is disappointed with this. He wants to go to at least the stag do and I think will try and wangle his way in to me letting him go to the evening bit of the wedding if I'm not in labour.
Tbh I'm surprised at this as he honestly usually is supportive and would put our needs first, but there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him.
I really can't see myself being comfortable with being left with toddler all weekend while I'm full term and don't want to call on family for help as 1) why should they have to and 2) I'll need the help more when in labour and after baby is here.
I feel massively uncomfortable at the thought of him going off on my due date. I know it's not the other end of the world but it's just an added complication I don't want at that stage. Am I being a bit precious and unreasonable to say no to either? I can't even think of any sort of compromise.
I can't see any problem with him going to either, or both. It would be unfair if him to drink too much to get home if he attends the wedding, though, as it is your due date.
Were you late with your first baby? I was late with both my two and so when expecting dd3 I was fine with dh being in Sweden at about 37 weeks. He was grounded after that though!
The wedding - no I don't think yabu. Two hours is one thing - it means two hours alone and in labour so in PAIN for you but tbh more of a worry would be - what if he has a drink too many, doesn't hear his phone etc etc. It's all stress you don't need.
I would say yes to the Stag but no to the wedding. Tell him you and your baby come first that day. Baby probably won't arrive then and you know that but if it does kick off you'll both be very glad he's there.
I would not accept a wedding invite for my due date even if it was round the corner. Yanbu for all the reasons you've stated here.
Yanbu op but think there's room for compromise- assuming you don't go into labour of course. I would personally say yes to wedding as long as he sorts all childcare so you can just relax and gets the house and anything that needs doing done.
I would be v v unhappy about the stag do, more so then the wedding. If you go into labour early or need him then he can just stay sober and drive back. He can't do that abroad. Not to mention its a puss take to leave you so close to your due date for an entire weekend and with your toddler.
So I don't think yabu but I think in regards to driving to wedding ans seeing ceremony and having dinner there's a poss compromise-he has to stay sober and drive back though. Going to the stag...i
To be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable with him going to the stag do either. If it was in this country, yes. But abroad? I wouldn't like it.
DD was my first, but she still arrived 2 weeks before her due date. So you can't predict when baby will arrive.
Going to the stag...no way, you can't predict the baby won't come early or you may need him. Though I think im in the minority, most people think the other way is better.
The problem with the stag do is that you could easily go into labour around 37 weeks and he'd be abroad, missing the birth entirely. Is a stag do really more important than that?
For the wedding -- would it be possible to do a sort of flexible RSVP? Because you might actually have a 2 week old baby on your due date, in which case maybe it would be doable for him to go. And if it's important for backstory reasons for him to go, they would appreciate him saying he'll try. But obviously he could cancel if you seem anywhere near going into labour still.
But overall you are right in that you and your children should come first.
I was 2 weeks overdue with my first, that might happen again or it might not.
He's just shown me the email about the stag do, it's 3 days away and says about girls taking your money for fun times!! So that's a definite no then!
I'm usually quite laid back about partners still attending events, but right on your due date would be a step too far even for me. Ok, you might run late, but being that vastly pregnant means that coping alone for whist he is several hours away would be too stressful (it's the distance, not the hours of absence that would bother me).
I'd be OK with the stag do, though, providing the pg was uneventful as 3 weeks ahead is quite a lot.
I don't think there's a reason he can't go to the stag do really. At 37 weeks with a typical pregnancy there's no danger of going into labour. Can't you stay with your mum?
With the wedding then you probably should decline though again he could go if you weren't likely to go into labour.
X-ed with your last. Amsterdam -and "money for fun times" is too close to prostitution for me to be cool about that at any time.
I dont think i'd have a problem with the stag do, its three weeks before and many partners travel with work and dont get to opt out just in case their wife goes into labour weeks before the due date.
The wedding i would compromise on, fine to attend but no drinking so he can get back in the car. Unless you have a rapid birth last time there is plenty of time for him to get back.
You say this wedding is important to him and he is usually very supportive so time to show him that works both ways.
I think no to both. Problem with Amsterdam is he can't wait and see how things are at the time, he'll need to commit to hotels and flights in advance presumably.
Another bloke here. WTF is wrong with him? His priorities are totally wrong. The wedding invitation needs to be turned down straight away - going to that is simply irresponsible. As for the doubtless dope fuelled trip to Amsterdam, leaving you heavily pregnant with a toddler at home - I am speechless. What a total knob.
Labour for me with DD2 happened fast. DH was at work, 25 minutes away. When I phoned and told him to come home, contractions were 10 minutes apart. By the time he reached home, they were five minutes apart. By the time we got to the hospital they were constant. DD2 arrived an hour after we got to hospital. 2 hours away at a wedding would have been too far for us so I'd be unhappy with that.
The likelyhood of you delivering on your due date is slim. I would compromise and ask him not to go to the stag and give my blessing for the full wedding. If he's not a knob and usually steps up I really couldn't stand in the way of something he really wanted to do. I just couldn't.
"At 37 weeks with a typical pregnancy there's no danger of going into labour."
Well this obviously isn't true.
OP I wouldn't be happy with him going to either of the events that close to the birth. The evening do at the wedding would be ok if it was closer (and you weren't showing signs of labour!)
YADNBU my brother got married 4 days before my due date (they announced it 6 weeks before.) The wedding was the other end of the country where they live. They weren't offended at all when I declined the invite.
You are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be happy with either. Selfish of him even to ask.
I agree with a PP who said your DH's priorities are all wrong - you and your DC should be his at the moment.
My DH has just turned down going to a good friend's wedding in another country because he doesn't want to leave to me whilst I'm pregnant and coping with a toddler - the wedding is two month before my due date. I didn't ask him to, in fact he had my blessing if he wanted to go because it's a very good friend, but he wanted to be here for us.
I wouldn't have an issue with the stag trip on the assumption it was a trouble free pregnancy. how quickly could he get home in need? That's the question that needs asking.
I also wouldn't have an issue with him going to the evening do. Again, provided he could get home ASAP in need.
Chances are, as you get closer to time, he won't want to go any way.
The stag do IMOis a total no-no. Too far away and too long.
Even without me trying not to be judgemental over a weekend of allcohol, drugs and prostitutes
The wedding, OTOH, I would say a provisional yes. Make it quite clear in your reply that the wedding is on your due date, and you cannot guarantee who will be there. It might be both of you, neither of you, or just dh. If you are still of, take your labour bag with you to the wedding.
We were in this situation with dc1. The b&g understood and accepted that their big day was my week 39. I went into labour on the day of their wedding.
With dc2 dh and I were invited on a work jolly which it was important for him to attend, and which involved a boat trip away from town. It was, again, on week 39. We took the labour bag, he did not drink, everything went well, he got the Brownie points at work, and dc2 was a week late.
I think "If you are still of" was meant to be If you are still pregnant".
Gah! What has happened to my posting?!
I went into labour on the day of their wedding, so neither of us attended it, in the end. Dh phoned up to let them know.
I had a totally healthy pregnancy and gave birth at 37 weeks. It's a possibility.
I would hope he doesn't go to on the stag (which soubdst likee a delight anyway) and would be ok with him in going to the wedding as long as he stays sober and ready to drive to back ASAP if labour starts.
My waters broke in church to the sound of Handel's Water Music. I was at a friend's wedding 5 days before my due date.
I am not sure we made for good guests as we had to charge out (to reduce water damage to pews ) and then to hospital.
Christ almighty, YOU are the one getting to be pregnant, give birth, have your body change and possibly be damaged in the process, blah blah no alcohol or pate or sleep or rest from heartburn etc. etc... the compromise is that maybe HE has to make an inconvenient sacrifice for this pregnancy too!
If you don't want your partner to leave you alone with your other child ON YOUR DUE DATE, it should NOT happen.
Your job is to give birth.
His job is to support that in ANY WAY YOU WANT.
If he can't do that - he's no dad.
Yes it's possible to give birth at 37 weeks but it's not typical.
I do feel bad for saying no when he is usually so good. He's totally against strip clubs etc anyway so I wouldn't worry about that if he did go to the stag do, I just don't want to be left alone for 3 days with DS when I'm that big.
I've said he can say yes to the wedding on the proviso that they understand he might not be able to attend if things are hotting up here and that he can help arrange someone for me to be with during the day if I feel like I need it.
Thanks everyone, just helps to sound it out on here sometimes
I would definitely say no to either, the wedding would be ok if he could take the toddler with him as that would give you a day to relax and if you did go in to labour he can leave toddler with relatives and drive back. If the toddler is not allowed to go though then no way!
I don't understand this outrage about 'leaving you alone when heavily pregnant, with a toddler as well'? In a pregnancy which has not had any significant problems, this should not even be an issue really, I mean how is going to a family wedding (not drinking, keeping his phone on him and driving himself home) any different to him being at work all day? not saying this is the OP's attitude, but how do you think women manage when their husbands work 12 hour shifts, or nights, or work away from home/Forces etc.?
I should have said, I don't agree with him going on the stag do, but not for the reason that OP would be left alone 3 weeks before due date.
Don't let him go to the wedding my second labour was less than three hours, he could easily miss the birth if you do go into labour on your due date.
I don't think I'd have a problem with either tbh.
On my third labour, dh had to go to into work. I went into labour while he was gone and he came back (about a two hour drive). That was a quick labour but I was still able to manage ds and dd until he got back.
tv and chocolate while I was having contractions!
I don't like the sound of that stag do due to my own beliefs around things like that. But you say DH is not into strip clubs etc. What will he do while the rest of them are handing over their money to girls for fun times? <bleugh>
it's 3 days away and says about girls taking your money for fun times!!
Your DP's cousin sounds lovely . I feel sorry for his wife-to-be.
YANBU. Absolutely not.
A quick google suggests that actually giving birth at 37 weeks is very common. I don't know where these stats are from, but based on real life experience, the 6.6% figure sounds about right:
I don't think pissing about over whether this is common, typical or whatever else we want to call it is particularly helpful- it happens to lots of women and it is a realistic possibility. Add to this all those who don't give birth at 37 weeks, but have to stay in hospital or are placed on bedrest or some kind of restricted regime at home.
Amsterdam is obviously a ludicrous idea. As pointed out upthread, he's likely to have to commit in advance for flights and hotels, which is unrealistic in your situation. And if something did happen, he might not be able to get back. I think you're right to ok the wedding itself though, assuming you don't feel baby is imminent and he doesn't drink. And you feel up to being left, obviously. As you are heavily pregnant, your wishes and welfare must come before those of other adults in the family who are not heavily pregnant.
37 weeks is classed as full term.
Littlebearpad, you are talking shit.
Op, imo yanbu on all counts.
There are things you just get on with at 37 weeks with a toddler, husband working away, normal work, domestic life, poorly toddler, dependent relatives etc and stuff you don't have to get on with
eg stag nights with prostitutes, extra nights alone to facilitate. How about you spend the money earmarked for booze and strippers on a pleasant , relaxing family weekend.
If you are not a single parent, why the eff should you ave to manage as one?
What is it with these bloody men and their stag dos!
He is not single and fancy-free. He is a father with another baby due imminently.
I don't see why he can't decide on his own that he really shouldn't go.
I think leaving a heavily pregnant wife to deal with their toddler is unfair. No doubt the OP can manage, but why should she have to? And why should her family give up their time to facilitate it when as the OP says, she'll need them more after the birth.
He needs to grow up.
As to the wedding - I agree with the 'flexible' RSVP depending on when the baby chooses to make an appearance.
Are you ok op? Did you sort with your dp?
I had a totally uncomplicated pregnancy and went into spontaneous labour at 34 weeks - whilst DH was in his "last@ boys' night out! I couldn't get hold of him to midday the day after. Luckily my labour didn't progress. I was tol to stop work & DH was on "standby" at all times! DD arrived at exactly 36 weeks & still to this day the consultants don't know why I delivered early. Just ready I guess!
I'm now 16 weeks pg and believe me DH won't be going anywhere from 34 weeks!!
Three weeks later though I was bridesmaid for my friends and she had her 3 week old Goddaughter at the wedding so the wedding maybe do-able!!
I invited a work colleague & his wife to my wedding on atound his wife's due date. I made it clear that they could be totally flexible, it would have been around 1-2 hours journey for them. They planned to attend but she went into labour the day before.
I would not have been happy with dh being abroad so close to my due date.
My second labour was around an hour and a half long.
If he actually gives a shit, then it's perhaps slightly unwise of him to be two hours drive (at the very least) away on your due date.
The stag do is a no, as he can't get back quickly enough.
The wedding is ok as long as he is ready to drive back at a moment's notice, keeps his phone on hand and emergency childcare is in place for your other DC.
My DC2 was precipitate - from first thinking I might possibly be in labour (but probably a false alarm or just late pg symptoms) was about four hours. Time from definitely knowing I was in labour to holding a baby in my arms was under an hour. I'm told this is not uncommon with second babies
don't ask about third though.
My feeling is that if he goes to Amsterdam when you're in your due window (37-42w) then he risks missing the birth. If you're supported (eg a sister to have the toddler, mother to drive you and be your birth partner) then that might be fine. But if he wants or needs to be there on the day, going so far away is crazy.
Similarly, the wedding day - remembering that I was only sure I was in labour for an hour - if he is two hours away then it would take more like three to make his excuses, get home, and drive you to hospital. If you have other options, fine, but if he wants/needs to be there... etc.
Also, it's terribly terribly hard to be heavily pregnant with a toddler in the house. Your lap isn't deep enough; you can't reach to play; you're exhausted before you even get up in the morning, etc.
What Oldandcobwebby said.
I am stunned anyone is defending such crap behaviour, he shouldn't go to either.
Also, to who ever said you should stay with your Mum, why should your Mum have to pick up the slack while he has a jolly that will probably end in shagging some poor, trafficked woman?
Beat you horatia
Dc1 4 hours from first twinge
Dc2 2 hours
Dc3 6 hours
How would you feel if he missed it through his own selfishness? Not something i would get over in a hurry tbh.
I think the combination of the distance he would be away (at the wedding) and the fact it is a 2nd baby so statistically likely to be a quicker labour) that would make me hesitate, but it would depend how important the wedding were to him - you've alluded to it being quite important. As someone else said, I don't get this "can't leave me alone" thing, presumably he will still be going off to work / out to get the shopping in / etc. when you are heavily pregnant.
dh went to his friend's wedding on the due date of our dc3 - really wasn't an issue.
It's not just giving birth at 37 weeks that might be the problem. I went for my standard midwife appointment at 36.5 weeks, blood pressure was up and I was admitted to hospital that day for the rest of the pregnancy.
You just don't know what might happen and Amsterdam is too far away.
YANBU at all, both mine were early and you just never know. If the stag do was in the UK and not so far away then maybe ok. My babies arrived quite quickly as well though not 34 minutes.
Also your further post, what a bunch of wankers.
He has totally lost sight of where his priorities lie and should be declining both.
My dh was best man for his twin brother, the wedding was 2 days before my due date, and the stag do in this country about 6 hours away was at 37 weeks. I gave my blessing to the stag on the basis that he had his phone with him and didn't drink so much that he couldn't get the train back. As for the wedding I was also happy that and it may be both of us, or just him. I had arrangements that the grandparents would take ds1 with them to the wedding if we couldn't go, there was a reserve best man and just about every scenario had been covered. My only stipulation was that if I was in labour he couldn't go, and they were happy with that. In the end I was admitted to hospital while he was on stag, due to complications and ended up with a section a few weeks later. We all went to the wedding , ds2 was 10 days old. As the wedding was 2 hours away we stayed over and the new baby met all the family early in life. It was fine. In your case I would say no to stag and provisional yes to the rest for you both but that until the day you won't know for sure. I'm sure they will understand. I did also research the local hospital to the wedding so that I knew where it was if I needed it. That said there was also a midwife on the guest list!!
I've said he can say yes to the wedding on the proviso that they understand he might not be able to attend if things are hotting up here and that he can help arrange someone for me to be with during the day if I feel like I need it.
That sounds about the right balance as long as he can definitely get back and isn't going to be drunk or hungover.
My friend went for the 40 week due date check up and had high blood pressure, was sent to hospital and induced that day.
I have been pregnant with toddler to look after too, and imo I wouldn't have wanted DH too far away if he could help it
There are all sorts of scenarios here and under some of them and with certain conditions I could get on board with the wedding. I would still need to be pregnant and showing no signs of labour. He would leave for the evening do and drive back that night or early next morning. He would not drink etc etc.
I would not be happy with the stage because I wouldn't be pleased to be left on my own heavily pregnant for 3 nights so he could go on a piss up. For work yes for drink no.
But all this is completely immaterial because my H would not even have countenanced going to either. Even if I was fine with it he would not be prepared to take the slightest risk of missing the birth of his child. I don't think he would even tell me about the stage do. I am surprised your H is not more concerned about missing the birth tbh.
For the record all 3 of mine were early (4 weeks, 2 weeks, 4 days) and the two youngest arrived in less than 2 hours.
My BIL got married 6 days before my due date, 4 hours from where we lived. I told DH there was no way we could go and if he went anyway and I went into labour not to expect a phone call. He agreed it would be selfish of him to go. As it was we had a two day old baby on the day of the wedding so wouldn't have gone anyway. Made it easier in a way as all the in laws were on the other side of the country instead of interfering with us.
I don't think he should go to the stag either. Things change really quickly during pg, it's just too far away. If it was a work thing he wouldn't have the choice so that would be different, but this is pleasure, there is a choice and he should stick with the choice he made nine months ago and be with his family, helping you out.
I guess you know what I mean about
pesky stop-start third babies too
Big no from me.
My dds were both born at 37 weeks. Dd2 arrived less than 3 hours after my first contraction.
I actually think he's being really selfish.
"there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him"
And he has been invited, so that's great. Is his cousin so unreasonable that a heartfelt reply along the lines of "I would have loved to come to the stag do and the wedding, I'm gutted I can't be there and I'd love to catch up with you afterwards for a meal/drink and to hear all about it, but I'm sure you understand I don't feel comfortable leaving Kiwi alone so close to the birth" would cause Family WWIII to break out?
Is the problem the potential fall-out from cousin if DP declines, or DP having a cob on because his impending baby - he was presumably conscious and consenting when it was conceived? - is cramping his style?
Chances are that baby won't be born on your due date (although one of my lot was), which surely means it's likely to be no problem for one or both of you to attend the wedding - if you're not in labour or giving birth that day then surely dp can go, as he'd be able to get back easily. And if you haven't had the baby yet then there's no reason you can't go too if you want to, assuming you have childcare for your dd?
Stag do depends what you're both comfortable with.
I think it's reasonable that you ask him bit to go to the stag do as it's abroad and the baby may come early.
I would allow him to go to the wedding (in fact I would probably go myself) as baby's rarely come on due dates but he must not drink. And have his phone on at all times!
Yes thanks we're all sorted now. He's emailed back and said he definitely can't make the stag do but is hopeful about the wedding. Hopefully they will understand, if not then tough luck! I don't want him stopping over though in case anything happens during the night, it would literally just be the ceremony and some of the reception and then back home for 10pm.
Bless him, I feel like I'm being a bit controlling about it but I suppose it can't be helped. He put me in this position so he'll have to deal with it!
You've been left with no choice but to be controlling, because he decided to be unreasonable.
But the wedding is two hours away!!! I had my second baby in less than 2 hours start to finish. First DC was a more "normal" 8 hours.
What will you do if you haven't had the baby by then? Will you be OK having the baby on your own or do you have another birthing partner as well as someone to have DC1 whilst you are in labour?
My partner is in the forces and we are TTC. If we are lucky enough to conceive then I'll feel grateful if he is only 3hours away on his normal base when I go into labour. It's possible he'd be in the Falkland Islands! I'd let him go to the wedding but be on standby in case of a quick getaway.
It amazed me the difference in length of first and second labours, first one being 40 hours and second one, 10 although from time of realising that the pain was in waves and actually Labour it was less than 4 hours. If he has to cancel or return home, are you happy to have half the family assuming that something is happening even if there's an innocent reason?
Glad he's seen sense on the stag night. That was totally unreasonable.
With DS I had to be induced at 42 weeks and then it took 24 hours in labour, so I'm assuming that this one will more than likely be a bit late and not a super fast labour. I know you can't predict these things but if I have any niggles at all then I would ring him to come home. Even if all he managed was to show his face at the ceremony then that would keep him happy I think.
I have MIL round the corner to look after DS and my neighbour is pretty lovely and would be delighted to help if needs be. It wouldn't be ideal but I think it will be ok.
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