to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?

(117 Posts)
Imforeverwashingbottles Tue 18-Feb-14 20:55:44

DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.

I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.

To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.

MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.

WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?

SingingGerbil Tue 18-Feb-14 20:58:21

This is the perfect time for a MN favourite.

No is a complete sentence. Don't be bullied and keep your stuff if you don't want to lend it.

NightCircus Tue 18-Feb-14 21:00:30

She'll be able to pick most things up very cheaply 2nd hand.
Tell her about Nct sales, netmums listings and eBay!!

Do not feel pressured to lend/give them.
Tell SIL that obviously you don't want to count your chickens before they hatch but you are planning more children yourself and that MIL mustn't have realised this.

hamptoncourt Tue 18-Feb-14 21:01:21

You don't have to give her any of the stuff. What a fucking liberty!!!

Don't go through MIL, contact SIL directly and explain that you are planning to have more children and as a result you won't be dishing out your stuff to her or to anyone else.

Hopefully she is a bit more reasonable than MIL?

If not, get DH to tell them both to back off.

Does MIl have form for this kind of stunt? If so, what does DH have to say about it? I hope he stands up for you?

AwfulMaureen Tue 18-Feb-14 21:01:56

Say no...."We think we're having another and want them safe...so no"

brokenhearted55a Tue 18-Feb-14 21:02:07

YANBU at all.

Tell her no. They are your property.

What a cow. Why doesn't she buy her daughter baby things.

MostlyMama Tue 18-Feb-14 21:02:20

Tell them no it won't be happening, I would outline why as well but I'm a cow.

katese11 Tue 18-Feb-14 21:02:45

Won't it cost FIL more in petrol than buying them 2nd hand locally?

Def don't give in to pressure. I found it hard giving away the dc's things and I'm not even sure I want any more!

SeraphinaSparklePants Tue 18-Feb-14 21:03:47

YANBU.

She shouldn't have offered up any of your baby items. I'd be pissed off if I were you

Can you get DH to have a word with her? It doesn't have to turn into a row, he just needs to explain that you want to keep them for future use. They are yours to keep and yours to offer up to other people, not her place to do so.

Greypuddle Tue 18-Feb-14 21:04:07

Agree with the above. Just don't lend them Say no and change the subject. Trust in your decision and don't doubt it. You're not being a horrible person - they're your things.

Only1scoop Tue 18-Feb-14 21:05:10

Yanbu
Just NO
And your mil is incredibly rude to promise it all to them

Pimpf Tue 18-Feb-14 21:05:38

Cheeky mare! I agree, just tell them no, mil was obviously mistaken. You don't need to give a reason

falulahthecat Tue 18-Feb-14 21:07:56

YANBU

I would just say to your SIL that you're really sorry but you don't know when you'll need them and wouldn't she feel better having her own things to keep?

Just ring up your MIL and tell her that you udnerstand why she thought it would be ok but it's your stuff and you might need it again/it has sentimental value.

I wonder how she'd feel if you did the same with her property and your siblings/family!!?

For all the reasons already stated the answer is no. Your mil is a cheeky cow to offer up stuff that isn't hers!

YAsoNBU. My sister leant her baby stuff to a friend and it came back in an appalling condition with bits missing and covered in mould and stains. No no and no. It is not your mil's decision as it is your things not hers.

I'd speak to sil directly and explain you want to keep your stuff for future babies but you were planning on spending X amount on a baby present and what would she find most useful? Or give her baby clothes you don't particularly like and wouldn't use again.

Needadvice5 Tue 18-Feb-14 21:08:24

Just explain that you're saving them for your next baby!

Please do not be bullied.....

AlpacaPicnic Tue 18-Feb-14 21:12:34

Maybe your SIL doesn't even want to borrow them! Maybe she would enjoy shopping for her own style of things and feels that she can't say no either!

elQuintoConyo Tue 18-Feb-14 21:12:56

^^ all of this.

I'd also be tempted to put everything in storage/at a friend's house so mil couldn't sneak bags of baby clothes out if your house!

MaryWestmacott Tue 18-Feb-14 21:17:22

Quietly take SIL to one side, say you don't want to say anything to MIL as she'll get all excited, but you're going to be trying for another baby "soon-ish" and don't want to lend your things out as you'll probably need to ask for them back before SIL has finished using them, so she might as well get something herself first, but that you'd rather she didn't tell her mum because it took a while to get pregnant last time round, it could take a long time this time round and you don't want to feel like a watched pot...

HypodeemicNerdle Tue 18-Feb-14 21:19:41

YANBU at all to want to keep your baby things, you certainly aren't a bitch.

MIL is being beyond cheeky. Why should you have to provide SIL furniture and clothing for her baby?

If MIL is usually lovely then explain to her that you cannot lend your things as you are hoping to use them yourself soon. If she kicks off let your DH deal with her.

Imforeverwashingbottles Tue 18-Feb-14 21:23:58

Thanks everyone for your replies, you've made me feel loads better about this!

Hampton - I havn't ever been massively keen on my SIL, she can be a bit of a brat so I probably wont be able to have a reasonable chat with her. I think she will probably be really pissed off if we wont lend her the stuff she needs. DH has said he does not want the stuff to go to her. He has offered to sort it out but he is away with work at the moment with limited communication so I told him I would sort it as I want him to use his talktime on speaking to me! MIL is lovely but often doesn't think before she says things.

katese11 - I did wonder about the petrol, I think the total cost of all of the things she wants would just about outweigh the petrol, some of the other "little" things she's offered up were quite expensive to buy eg the carrier.

I think I will just have to say no next time MIL brings it up.

Sorry if I am drip feeding, I'm not a very regular poster!

PastaandCheese Tue 18-Feb-14 21:25:15

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You need to make it clear this isn't happening.

It's a bit different if your family is complete but perfectly reasonable to keep things nice and almost new for your second.

foreverondiet Tue 18-Feb-14 21:26:46

My SIL borrowed our stuff. Crib got battered, stair gates got broken and I had to buy new ones. Clothes ruined with stains. Unless you don't need the stuff just say sorry no.

I would probably say to MIL that you are hoping to need the stuff again yourself shortly so you'd rather not. However easier said that done as I felt bad saying no. And DS2 didn't notice the crib was a bit battered hmm.

Crib perhaps you can say that it was bought by your mother and she has promised it to the DGC of a friend of hers due at the same time.

crazykat Tue 18-Feb-14 21:27:24

YANBU to want to keep your things. Just say no. Or if you feel you must give a reason tell them you're planning another dc in the near future and will need the things yourself.

It might be that your SIL has no intension of asking for them and your MIL has jumped the gun.

Either way its your property don't let MIL steamroller you into giving/lending to your SIL if you don't want to.

expatinscotland Tue 18-Feb-14 21:28:47

'No, we will not be giving them or loaning them out.' Over and over and over.

'Why not?'

'Because they are our things.' 'No, doesn't work for us, these things have a lot of sentimental value to us.'

'Oh, tosh.'

'Maybe to you, but not to us. No.'

NO, NO, NO! NO 'sorry', no excuses. You have nothing to apologise for.

Dinosaur44 Tue 18-Feb-14 21:35:29

Agree with all of the above - have had so many headaches with this myself, SIL is very much the 'entitled' type! If you have some bits and pieces that you're not so fussed about I would put these together, plus add a nice new outfit / toy to 'help out' - anyone reasonable would be pleased with that and not expect you it kit them out completely with your carefully chosen, much-loved (and still needed!) stuff. BTW - my SIL sold everything we'd lent her, even though she knew we wanted more children - if you do lend, be very clear that you expect it back (if you do!) - good luck! X

Origamiboat Tue 18-Feb-14 21:38:05

No,simply no. You'll regret it. There's no getting anything back.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Feb-14 21:47:02

'I'll see what I can look out for you but most of it we are stashing for the next little one'.

aderynlas Tue 18-Feb-14 21:49:26

There are lovely baby things at reasonable prices at boot sales etc. Tell your dmil she can have fun looking round for bargains.

YANBU.

And what MaryWestmacott said about maybe needing it before your SIL is finished with it. smile

Gladvent Tue 18-Feb-14 21:54:00

Just say no!

You can't loan clothes to a baby. They may have explosive yellow staining poo that destroys them! Someone lent us some baby clothes, I didn't have the heart to say we didn't need them, and never used them. I cba to remember which sleep suit was which in those sleep deprived days. Just handed them back once baby had grown out of them and said thanks.

Chummiestwin Tue 18-Feb-14 21:56:29

No no no, what a cheek. Mumsnet favourite 'no' is a complete sentence we are saving them fr our subsequent Chidren and want them in good condition.

gamerchick Tue 18-Feb-14 21:59:33

tell her you're really sorry but you've disposed of them already/lent them to a pal or some other excuse.

Or just say not a chance.

or let your bloke deal with it and stick everything in the loft or at your mothers out of sight.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Tue 18-Feb-14 22:01:04

I would be annoyed at this too.

Its a nice idea and yes - in principle its great to share within families...but sadly the reality doesn't hold out.

You hear so many stories on here where someone has lent someone something and then they have damaged/sold it and so on.

TBH you also hear about pregnant ladies wanting to buy their own stuff and not have stuff foisted on them...part of the pleasure is buying a few things!

Your sil may not actually want this stuff!
Gently point them in the direction of baby sales/car boots/freecyle and ebay.

Your mil probably doesn't realise you can get all this stuff super cheap now and even free!

gamerchick Tue 18-Feb-14 22:01:05

and DON'T feel guilt.. the second hand baby market is heaving with stuff.. I mean seriously heaving. Let them sort themselves out.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Tue 18-Feb-14 22:01:40

I think she has just gone into super panic/excited mode...be gentle...and gently let her down..

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Tue 18-Feb-14 22:02:29

the second hand baby market is heaving with stuff.. I mean seriously heaving

Its heaving, and heaving with amazing quality stuff you can pick up for pennies too!

LittleBearPad Tue 18-Feb-14 22:04:05

Definitely say no.

Fingers crossed SIL will want to choose her own stuff.

Cataline Tue 18-Feb-14 22:06:08

Another voice saying YAsoNBU!! Don't make excuses or make things up. Just say no!

Imforeverwashingbottles Tue 18-Feb-14 22:11:54

Unfortunately SIL definitely wants the things, she has everything apart from the things MIL has offered up (can you believe she hasn't even had her dating scan yet!)

I just dont see how I can say no without causing an argument. SIL is not one to be reasoned with, for example had a tantrum when she found out I was pregnant because being the oldest she should have been first to have a baby so probably not a good idea to say we are having another baby soon, she will probably accuse us of stealing her thunder.

I will definitely use the excuse that DM wants the crib for a friend, the crib is the most sentimental item of the lot.

Pimpf Tue 18-Feb-14 22:20:22

She can want as much as she bloody well likes.

Sod not wanting to cause an argument, is keeping the peace more important than your happiness. Sod that, get dh to tell her no, they're not available. You don't need to make up an excuse, just keep repeating no

Just say no. Or say that your DH will speak to them. Ignore phone calls or emails or texts.

Please. Stand up for your yourself. My now estranged sister laid claim to all our baby items and I saw red, they are for my babies, however many I will have and while I will happily pass on things my children no longer need that is my decision and nobody else's.

Pistachiotruffle Tue 18-Feb-14 22:25:14

YANBU. Do not lend them to her, if she's as entitled as it sounds then she will almost definitely not treat them with the care and respect that you would your own things, and you may never get them back.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Feb-14 22:30:57

'I will look some stuff up for you but most of it we are stashing for the next little one'.

Is perfect for your situation. Again.

knitterati Tue 18-Feb-14 22:33:35

YANBU. I made the mistake of saying yes when asked to loan my medela breast pump to SIL. I've also loaned her all of DDs baby clothes, which she's passed on to her other SIL (someone I've never met or know the name of) because 'she didn't think I'd mind' shock

Lesson learned. Never a lender or borrower be, as my Nan used to say.

Jolleigh Tue 18-Feb-14 22:35:27

"I understand MIL said to get these from us but they weren't hers to offer and we're hoping to need them in the near future. Is there anything we can buy you new for the baby instead?"

And if she has a tantrum after that...

"Put your dummy back in you ungrateful mare." grin

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Tue 18-Feb-14 22:37:47

Op, in that case just say NO.

You will feel so much better to stand up for yourself, so what if she has a strop?

Why are her feelings more important than yours? you will be seething with no recourse after your house has been emptied!And then more potential for seething when the things get broken, trashed ,sold on or given away...

Just say you are really really sorry but you actually want to hang to what you have....for varisou reasons and will not be able to give it to them.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Tue 18-Feb-14 22:39:00

Why why why are people so afraid of other people having a strop,and yet its usually the other persons actions that are totally un reasonable and they have not worried about your feelings or your strop!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Tue 18-Feb-14 22:43:40

"NO."
Tell her to check out the local fb selling pages. I have had no end of amazing stuff off of ours. 2 carrier bags of barely worn Next, Gap, French designer baby clothes for £15.
Just remember... "NO".

ReadyToPopAndFresh Tue 18-Feb-14 22:49:26

Your mil was out of order to offer on your behalf..but who accepts when it wasn't even offered to you!?

Just ignore the SIL and say sorry but we're saving these for the next baby

LouiseAderyn Tue 18-Feb-14 22:50:29

Sometimes you just have to let people have a strop and not bend over backwards in order to prevent their bad behaviour.

As for mil, I really do think you have to say to her that it's not on to offer someone else's property, even though she means well.

If you stand your ground these things are less likely to occur in the future because they will learn you are not a pushover.

Bankholidaybaby Tue 18-Feb-14 22:50:50

It sounds like she's going to have tantrums about something or other whatever happens, so you may as well keep your stuff clean and shiny and let her get on with it. Maybe, just maybe, she'll grow up and get a sense of perspective once she has a child to put ahead of herself. If not, well, who cares? You're doing the right thing and her brother, your husband, supports you.

WinterDrawsOff Tue 18-Feb-14 22:53:05

I don't understand why you can't just say no. Let her have a strop. Why should you care?

Imforeverwashingbottles Tue 18-Feb-14 23:01:23

Yeah I really don't understand why it is so hard to say no, I'm one of those people that want's to please everyone but not at the expense of my children. I think a fallout is unavoidable if I want to keep all our things. At least if it does go tits up we live a long way away! Thanks everyone for comments, I won't mention it unless they do but I'll keep you updated

Inertia Tue 18-Feb-14 23:10:38

Actually if you don't mention it they might well see that as having your agreement - much better to tell them now so that they have time to get organised with buying their own stuff.

SIL can throw as many tantrums as she likes - it's your baby stuff and you hope to use it again. What happens if SIL decides she would like a second baby so she will be keeping it all ?

expatinscotland Tue 18-Feb-14 23:31:07

So fuck her tantrums and arguments! Grow a spine.

'My ma bought me that. I'm not lending it out.'

roadwalker Tue 18-Feb-14 23:33:49

could you just text her
'there has been some mix up over the baby stuff, we don't want to lend it out. Sorry MIL thought it was ok.'

EverythingCounts Tue 18-Feb-14 23:36:55

Agree with all the other posts about saying no, but I would consider getting your DH to step in - since he has said he too is adamantly against giving her the stuff - because it avoids you being the bad guy. It's his family and he can put them straight - even better, he can say that you and he are in total agreement so it won't be happening.

Bogeyface Wed 19-Feb-14 00:16:50

When my aunt was having the first GC my grandma (dads mum) made a big deal out of buying the pram. When my Uncle was having the second GC (well, his wife!) they were given a pram by her mum so GM didnt need to get one, she bought them a pack of baby vests. When mum and dad were having me GM told anyone with ears how they would buy the pram, then told mum that as Aunt was not longer using hers, that mum could have it. Dad was a bit pissed off but it seemed a reasonable idea. Except that GM then told Mum and Dad how much Aunt wanted for it. Dad, being a drip, said ok. Mum was fuming, but it was too late. Then when I was 9 months old my Aunt demanded it back from the "loan" because she was expecting again. According to mum WWIII erupted when dad said fine, but can we have our money back please because we were told we were buying from you.

Some people are amazing!

"Oh sorry, I have promised it to someone else" is always a good one. They dont have to know that the "someone" is your next child!

What roadwallker said. Except with 'our baby stuff' rather than 'the baby stuff'. To make it absolutely clear.

SarahAndFuck Wed 19-Feb-14 08:16:35

I would speak to MIL as she's the one being very generous with your belongings.

Just tell her that you and DH have agreed you want to save your things for your next baby and won't be lending them to SIL.

Tell her that many of these things were gifts from other people for you and your baby and they might not like you lending them out, especially as at the time you said you would put them away for your next child too.

And if she makes a fuss, ask her how she would feel if you offered her bed, her clothes, her dining table and lots of other smaller items to someone else you know without asking her first and then presented it as a done deal she had no choice in.

Is it possible that your SIL wants those things just because they are your things? If she's the type to cause a fuss because she's the older sibling so you should have waited for her to have the first grandchild then she's the type to want your stuff just because it's your stuff.

Is it possible SIL has assumed you will lend her the things and your MIL has gone along with it because she's used to everyone giving SIL her own way.

girlywhirly Wed 19-Feb-14 08:46:15

Do not be bullied into lending or giving away your baby things, especially as you know they will not be looked after or even returned at all. As it was MIL who raised this suggestion she should be told that you won't be lending or giving away any of them and DH repeat the same. And he can tell SIL, saying their DM had no right to just offer other peoples stuff without their permission, because SIL might have thought it was OK with you and DH. I think you need to tell them in case they just turn up with a van/truck!

Sometimes the damage to items can be thoughtlessly caused even if the borrowers normally looked after things, as in the case of a crib that I loaned to a cousin. They stored it in their damp garage along with the fabrics when their baby had outgrown it, and there were patches of black mould on them. Fabrics I had made myself for the custom made crib made by my Dad. They had looked after it fine with their elder child, but were living in a different house then and it was stored better when not in use.

Consider whether to move certain items to your Mums to be stored until you need them. However I would get a little bundle of bits and pieces together for SIL of things you know you won't miss and/or would rather replace when the time comes.

CSIJanner Wed 19-Feb-14 08:58:42

YANBU

My DH always says to me to nt to lend anything that I am unwilling to lose. I've lost books, my wedding necklace, baby clothes, baking sets etc. if you don't want to lose them or see them be damage, you'll need to say no.

Now you just need to find a way to say no without the nuclear fall out...

Pimpf Wed 19-Feb-14 14:50:29

I wouldn't leave it if I were you, I'd sort it out now, that way there can be no doubt and trying to guilt you into it when the baby arrives, you will be able to say, "I told you months ago we aren't lending our babies things"

ReadyToPopAndFresh Wed 19-Feb-14 14:52:31

I'd just be pregnant when she has hers so you have an excuse not to share ;)

eightandthreequarters Wed 19-Feb-14 15:02:46

You need to learn to say 'no' at some point in your life, and now's a good time to practice. Text them 'no' if you don't feel you can say it. The first one may be the hardest. Then just keep repeating it. It gets easier and easier.

Once you get the hang of 'no', it's really fun! And saves you all sorts of hassle and doormat-regrets.

Oh, and do it now. They all think it's a done deal as you're someone who can't say 'no' and the sense of entitlement will only increase with the months ahead.

Practice in the mirror, on the phone to DH, practice right here with us... 'No!' Polite but firm.

fancyanotherfez Wed 19-Feb-14 15:19:38

What sort of fallout will it cause in 2 years when, as seems likely, your precious stuff comes back ruined or sold and you have to buy more stuff for your DC2? You will be mightily pissed off with your SIL and your MIL and be kicking yourself that you didn't say no in the first place. Let your SIL have a tantrum. It sounds like you don't like her much anyway. It will all blow over soon enough and if it doesn't then it's her loss not yours

MintyChops Wed 19-Feb-14 15:20:36

I would definitely not just leave it or they will assume you are ok about it. Something along the lines of what Ribena or Jolleigh suggested should do it. Also if you are uncomfortable with saying something, do focus on the fact that they are YOUR things and therefore YOUR feelings are more important.

BTW your MIL is very, very cheeky and totally out of order.

MintyChops Wed 19-Feb-14 15:33:32

Ooh! I also like ReadytoPop's solution!!!

DwellsUndertheSink Wed 19-Feb-14 15:39:56

depending on how old your DS is.....send your SIL a text saying that you cannot lend your stuff as you have been trying for No 2 for x months, so hopefully you will be needing it yourself soon, and "wont it be lovely to have cousins close in age - fingers crossed for a positive soon".

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 19-Feb-14 15:42:38

Hi SIL, I understand MIL has offered to loan you our baby things. She was mistaken in doing so and hadn't discussed it with us. Those things are not available for you to borrow. If you don't mind second hand things ebay/fb/NCT has loads if bargains. OP

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 19-Feb-14 15:46:57

I would mention it op, she thinks she is getting a huge bundle of stuff off you, rightly or wrongly and to not say anything then dump them, isnt fair.

jamtoast12 Wed 19-Feb-14 15:50:56

Yes you do need to say something or it will be assumed its ok. I'd not lend her as I found our stuff only lasted really for 2 kids so you'll end up losing out and having to re buy if she damages them. Plus it means you can't realistically have another for a couple of years!

jamtoast12 Wed 19-Feb-14 15:51:33

I have to say I'm surprised either think its ok.....most people only lend or pass down stuff once their family is complete!

DakotaFanny Wed 19-Feb-14 15:52:26

How does your MIL know you won't need these things again in the next couple of years? You could easily choose to have another child before they have finished using them. Bonkers!

Just say a polite, but firm, no. You have not finished with them.

monikar Wed 19-Feb-14 15:52:42

YANBU

I speak from first-hand experience. My MIL used to like to buy DD clothes when she was a baby/toddler and as she was my last, to begin with, I gladly gave MIL a few bits which had no sentimental value to me (vests etc) so she could pass them onto her sister's grand-daughter. I didn't think much of it at the time until MIL bought my DD a lovely little pink anorak when she was about 2yo. We were chatting one day and MIL said 'I said to my sister that she can have DD's anorak when she's outgrown it', and without thinking I snapped back 'I didn't realise it was on loan!'. She looked startled but it took her aback - your MIL needs to realise that these items are yours to do with as you see fit.

Good luck.

Sangelina Wed 19-Feb-14 15:57:21

I agree that it's better to address it now, if you say nothing they'll assume you're lending the stuff. I'd just say yo her that your MIL was mistaken and that you never said you were lending your stuff. Simple.

Viviennemary Wed 19-Feb-14 15:59:13

If you intend to have more children you shouldn't give away or lend out your baby things unless you want to. Just say no because it isn't what you want to do. I got lots of lovely baby stuff from somebody because her sister would certainly not be dressing her precious child in second hand clothes. So that's the other extreme.

SelectAUserName Wed 19-Feb-14 16:04:31

To SIL: "Hi, just heard that MIL seems to think she has promised half of our baby stuff to you. Bizarre! Not sure where she got that idea from, she certainly didn't ask or discuss it with us. Thought I'd best mention the mix-up now, while you've still got plenty of time to source it elsewhere."

To MIL: "Just to let you know I've cleared up the misunderstanding with SIL about her getting some of our baby stuff, and she knows now that it's not happening."

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 19-Feb-14 16:10:05

I don't think she should say its because she wants them for next child,they will be snatched from her on the promise they will be returned....

eggsandwich Wed 19-Feb-14 16:42:08

My MIL said the same thing to my sil even before she was trying for a baby, sil said that she really liked a certain outfit my ds was wearing, MIL piped up that I'm sure she'll give it to you when you get pregnant. I was so pissed off I said to MIL after sil had gone, firstly If I have another son then I will want that outfit and secondly don't go offering my stuff to people.

SybilRamkin Wed 19-Feb-14 17:18:01

What did your MIL say back, eggsandwich? <nosy>

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese Wed 19-Feb-14 17:38:01

Tell them you have lent everything to a distant cousin or close friend and you

anothernumberone Wed 19-Feb-14 17:43:46

Tell MIL
'look I really uncomfortable discussing my sex life with you and I never foresaw the need arising but DH and I have been at it like rabbits, did you hear me mil like rabbits, to try to have number 2. Last time he was home we went at it so hard I thought he was trying to get the girl next door pregnant.

Sorry for putting you in the thick of our sex life mil but I guess that is what happens when your poke your nose into your son's sex life.'

See how that works.

exhaustedmummymoo Wed 19-Feb-14 17:49:32

Don't do it. 1) you want another baby 2) you probably have an emotional attachment to the stuff. I think mil was wrong to make assumptions.

" I won't mention it unless they do"
No, no, no, no! Not mentioning it will be taken as agreement, and MIL will continue on her unreasonable way!

"I will definitely use the excuse that DM wants the crib for a friend, the crib is the most sentimental item of the lot."
Again, no, no, no, no! That just opens the way to 'if your DM can have the crib, then SIL surely can have the rest'. You're handing her a Get Out Of Jail Free card if you take that tack.

It sounds as if it is very early in your SIL's pregnancy, presumably your MIL is very excited and so her mouth has run away with her. But it is not her stuff, so she doesn't get to decide it's fate.

I know you said you have trouble saying 'no' - how about a different tack? Tell MIL the truth - that you are upset that she has offered your things to SIL, without considering whether you still wanted them for further babies. That they have sentimental value. If the woman is worth a damn she will apologise and backtrack. If not, then you MUST say no to her. Or give up some talktime for your husband to say no.

If you let this slide, you'll be expected to provide SIL with everything outgrown, it will be never-ending.

Xenadog Wed 19-Feb-14 17:53:44

We had this last week when DP's mother told me we were giving our outgrown baby clothes to her friend's daughter. Only wanted the neutral clothes as they don't know the gender yet. Was told that when DP's visited again the week after with the car they would take them then. This was after I had told her twice we were giving them to a charity. I was gob-smacked.

We just bundled the clothes and took them to the charity ignoring what his mother "told us" we were doing.

OP I suggest you tell MiL you are hanging onto the clothes full stop. If she asks why state that is what you want to do and leave it at that. No explanation needed. No need to speak to SiL about this as it's down to MiL. I suggest keep it low key and don't get into any discussion about this.

And when I say 'outgrown', I want you to think of SIL hovering over your DC like a vulture waiting to pounce on anything she likes the look of grin.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 19-Feb-14 18:04:16

I wouldn't say a thing, despite lots of advice here to the contrary. MIL promised something that wasn't within her gift to give. Let her deal with SIL. If SIL asks you, tell her MIL must be confused. If MIL asks you, tell her no straight - they're on hold for baby number two. End of.

Osmiornica Wed 19-Feb-14 18:13:38

FGS, just say no. Stop skirting around the issue and tell them you want to keep them. Adding complexities to what is a simple solution just clouds the issue and makes it more likely they'll keep hassling you or get the wrong end of the stick.

caketinrosie Wed 19-Feb-14 18:21:31

Noooo! How terrible a quandary! I totally understand how you feel, my mil did the same to me over my ds1s first christening robe. I was horrified but was too chicken to refuse. Thankfully dsil had a boy and refused turned up her nose at it but she still kept it for years and then claimed to have lost it. By then I had grown a pair and insisted on clambering into the attic to find it. <proud> grin
Just say no and make comments about how new mums love new stuff and I knew you would be horrified at the idea blah blah blah wink

Beccadugs Wed 19-Feb-14 18:30:20

I think you ought to tell them no now.

BIL promised us loads of stuff. When I spoke to SIL she didn't want to get rid of it. Fair enough, but I was pretty glad I knew weeks ago, not when I had no time to find my own stuff!!

ZenNudist Wed 19-Feb-14 18:54:00

Second what everyone else says about being firm & saying no now.

If it's any incentive I've just had ds2 and it's been great to have all of ds1's things. It's mAde the crushingly large investment in ds1's stuff feel much more bearable & worth it.

One of the few things I had to buy was new summer maternity gear as I'd 'lent' it to a friend. I also had to buy a baby bath as same friend saw fit to pass the bath I lent her onto other people. Only lend what you're prepared to lose. You're going to feel v.bitter buying this stuff a second time.

Also if SIL lives a long way away good luck getting any of it back when you need it. By then she may well have lent it to another friend or be using it again herself!! If she's a brat she will have no qualms about not returning your things.

MaryWestmacott Thu 20-Feb-14 13:04:45

I agree with the others, you should say something now, otherwise what will happen is when it gets closer to her due date and when they then ask for them and you say no, the story within the family will be that you let them down, not that you never said you'd lend it in the first place. The fall out from that will be much larger than saying no now.

Do not put it off, putting off this sort of conversation makes it worse when you do have it.

The fact that SIL is likely to be a bit of a drama llama if you might 'upstage' her by having another baby, then you could use that, say something to her like "I really didn't want to tell MIL that we're trying for another baby because I thought she'd get all excited and it might overshadow your baby, and it really wouldn't be fair for us to do anything that might look like we're trying to upstage you, so you see we don't want to lend out our baby things because we don't know when we'll need them back. I think it's best we keep this between us and just tell your mum you don't want to borrow them, I really want to keep all the family focus on your little baby, so exciting that DC1 will have a cousin!!"

SilverOldie Thu 20-Feb-14 13:39:15

What about putting all the items away and telling MIL/SIL that you have already loaned them to a friend?

That way it won't start a big row and your things are safely tucked away for your next baby.

IDontDoIroning Sat 22-Feb-14 06:29:11

It's really up to you.
You have to weigh up
A- the upset to sil now by saying "no I'm keeping all my baby things"
Or
B your upset when you need your things back and they are either ruined, broken, sold or sil hasn't finished with them so you have to buy new

Which is more important to you your feelings or sils?

thegreatgatsby101 Sat 22-Feb-14 07:12:53

I don't really get it.
Within our family we pass things along/around to each other. If things get stained or ruined, well that's how it goes.

It's wrong for your MIL to assume, but I think passing things along is a lovely thing to do for a child that will be your niece or nephew.

I think it's a bit daft to be sentimental over a few vests and sleep suits tbh.

brettgirl2 Sat 22-Feb-14 07:29:50

OP you need to understand what is going on here. mil is treating you all like children. sil is obviously used to this as she clearly behaves like a child. I call it being 'organised' and it drives me mad. If mil is nice she will understand. If not you have underestimated her niceness.

You say no, WE want to keep them. End of. I wouldn't say about another baby because it is none of their business.

Say no. We were told we were nuts to keep after dd1 (now 3). But dd2 came along quite quick and the stuff was all washable/cleanable and what wasn't we then sorted and gave what didn't work to charity.

I was very connected to some stuff too. I'm not this time. No1 is quite different to no2 time. Both lovely just very different experiences.

Good luck, say no!

MaryWestmacott Sat 22-Feb-14 07:36:56

Thegreatgadsby, I don't understand your view, so the one with the first dc pays for everything, then everyone else gets to use and ruin it, so when they have their next dcs the first couple who bought everything has to buy it all again? The issue isn't over a fiver pack of vests, but crib and all the baby equipment, and she's not finished her family, and SIL has a habit of destroying lent items, in the ops case I wouldn't lend things because I know I'd need to replace them all when dc2 came along. Rather different to handing over stuff you won't use again.

The greatgatsby, it isn't daft it's how she feels. A lot of people do feel this way about very small things.

Op you could get them made into a blanket? I meant to. Still in a box. Time has meant I'm less attached and my box has gone down 3 sizes to just the very key things now.

I also don't have room now she's bigger either. There's tons of other stuff to keep!

IDontDoIroning Sat 22-Feb-14 09:07:58

Thegrestgatsby she's not talking about a few vests it's all her stuff including some really nice and expensive items (wonder why mil/sil want them hmmm)
Any anyway just because YOU didn't mind doing it (although I do wonder if you were no 1 in the chain or further down ) doesn't mean SHE shouldn't mind doing it.

Pimpf Sat 22-Feb-14 10:02:10

Don't you love it when people only see the bits they want to see

zipzap Sat 22-Feb-14 11:07:36

Tell MIL, SIL and FIL separately that you're not going to lend them anything as you need to keep it for yourselves. Furthermore if fil turns up with a van to collect it, he'll be going home empty handed - and that they should use the petrol money they would have spent on towards buying new or nearly new stuff.

Better still get dh to do it and if he wasn't there when mil told you, maybe he could go in with a brisk 'imforeverwashingbottles' has this ridiculous notion that you're demanding all our baby stuff for sil. I've told her that you're not that crazy especially when you know we want another one soon and couldn't afford to buy new stuff again if sil was still using it'...

Would the threat of waiting longer for another gc have any impact?

Pimpf Sat 22-Feb-14 11:42:43

Why make excuses, just tell them no, standup for yourself.

As others have said, why are your feeling less important than hers?

TidyDancer Sat 22-Feb-14 12:01:51

I would give the clothes away, but not the big items. But given that your MIL has offered these things without even checking with you or DH, I wouldn't judge you if you said no to everything.

I would assume she meant well, but even so these aren't her belongings to offer up.

brokenhearted55a Sat 22-Feb-14 12:06:15

I dont get why the op.is so scared to offend either.

I would be telling MIL to get off her arse and buy HER daughter a crib and furniture for the baby. With a pick up truck etc they aren't poor.

I would feel as the DIL that I was deemed as ess important as her own daughter. What is the ops husband doing? He can tell his mother and sister to do one.

RaspberryRuffle Sat 22-Feb-14 12:46:54

OP, just tell your MIL no, as soon as possible don't put it off or chicken out. If SIL hasn't had a scan yet she will have plenty of time. You REALLY need to tell MIL NOW that you are not lending your stuff to SIL. NO excuses about the crib going to someone else or lending it to a friend. You are attached to this stuff and hope one day to use it again yourself.
I know what it's likek having trouble saying no to people, and being a people pleaser. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your future child. Do it to avoid resentment building up against your husband in a few years when "his sister" has kept/ruined/sold you PFB's things that you might want for PSB or PTB. And the damage can't be reversed. Do it because you are not the doormat they believe you to be. Go on. Your heart will hammer in your chest but you'll be soooo proud of yourself afterwards.

Inertia Sat 22-Feb-14 12:59:18

GreatGatsby, it's not just a few vests though- it's all the baby equipment and all the clothes which OP and OP's family have bought and looked after, and which the OP plans to use again when she has more children. Why should the OP and her family spend a fortune on equipment to pass on to SIL (who has a history of breaking/ not returning lent items) and then go and have to buy all the same stuff again for her second baby?

In our family stuff gets passed on too. My children are among the oldest so we had a lot of stuff to pass on- but we waited until we'd completed our family because we knew we'd need it .

Inertia Sat 22-Feb-14 12:59:42

And also in our family, nobody demanded anything from us.

Robfordscrack Sat 22-Feb-14 13:39:49

maybe mil is out of line and they don't actually want your stuff?

Orangeisthenewbanana Sat 22-Feb-14 13:56:39

Thank you for starting this thread! My SIL/BIL are expecting twins in May (they already have a 2yo) and I've been feeling like a selfish cow as I really don't want to lend them a lot of stuff we are keeping for when we hopefully have another. I know it would probably help them out a bit financially but you just can't guarantee that anything in close proximity to a newborn won't be destroyed by a poo explosion! There are also things that I think are fine for 2 kids but not more than that (car seats, mattresses, most clothes look a bit sad after 2 children have had good use of them) and I do not want to be in the position where we are having to fork out again for these not-exactly-cheap things because they have been ruined/lost or because of safety recommendations.

I do plan to offer to lend them the Moses basket & stand we got off EBay (but not the mattress/sheets) and give them any clothes that I don't mind not getting back - though it may be irrelevant depending on the sex of the babies!

bochead Sat 22-Feb-14 14:07:24

People wait until they have finished their own families before passing on stuff, especially the high ticket items like the crib and the pushchair etc. (Poorer families then sell on what they can of their baby stuff to fund school shoes instead of giving it away!).

Tell your MIL & SIL that when you are DONE breeding you'll be happy to pass stuff on, but that time is not yet. Just as you had to provide for your pfb, so will she and her partner. SIL sounds very entitled and it'll do her the world of good to have fund the purchase of a big ticket item or two for herself, if nothing else she's more likely to take care of it!

Do tell your father in law directly that there is no haul of baby equipment for him to collect, so he doesn't end up out of pocket on the petrol money.

DarkTherapy Sat 22-Feb-14 14:24:52

SIL doesn't 'need' any of those items. She will likely get clothes gifted once baby is here. As for other items I have never had a changing table or crib/moses basket for any of my three children and managed fine. We just bought a cot - which you could probably get for less than two (presume your FIL will be bringing your stuff back eventually?) lots of round trip petrol costs.

imissredwine Sat 22-Feb-14 17:01:56

Same here, although we've finished making babies. I have a 12 wo, theirs is 6wo.

My bil and sil keep mentioning how we can give them the cot/ car seat/ clothes etc as our dd grows out of them. Not asking.

I have other friends who I like and see more that id prefer to help out. I dislike the assumption and air of self entitlement.

MummytoMog Sat 22-Feb-14 17:24:34

My SiL (now ex) gave away all the stuff I lent her. I was livid. BiL is now embarassedly trying to get some of it back as I am 9 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC3. Never lend anything unless it's to your best friend.

ReadyToPopAndFresh Sat 22-Feb-14 18:53:47

greatgatsby please, tell us what we are allowed to be sentimental about? hmm

Since the rest of the world is only allowed to have the same emotions as you

thegreatgatsby101 Tue 25-Feb-14 13:21:48

Yes. You're right. That's EXACTLY what I said.

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