WIBU at the pool

(107 Posts)
Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:45:41

My son has swimming lessons at our local pool.
The training pool is in half for the 2 different groups of learners. One side is a bit younger than his side. Say 5-6 years old.

They all finish at the same time & as my son climbed out to be wrapped in a towel one of the fathers of the younger group pushed his daughter to me and said 'you take her into ladies and shower her' I politely said I couldn't do that as 1: that was the first time I had even set eyes on this girl and her on me and 2: I was planning on just throwing my sons clothes on and get him into a bath at home which we often do after swimming.

He huffed and sighed and I left.

The next set of lessons swing by and the same dad did EXACTLY the same thing to me pushed his daughter to me and demand I shower her.

I said to him that again I didn't feel comfortable showering a girl I didn't know and he got a bit aggressive and said 'what the fuck am I supposed to do then?' I said 'well when my husband takes our daughter she showers and dresses in the men's room with him'

He got really angry and paced around so I got our bits and hurried into the changing room with my son.

About a minute later the same dad stormed into the women's changing room with his daughter and shoved her under the shower with lots of naked women going "oiii" so he pointed to me and said 'it's her fault as she wouldn't shower her'...
He left pretty quickly after that and got his daughter dressed by the pool as when I left there was a lifeguard there with the man and again he was gesturing at me saying 'fucking this, fucking that'.

I explained to the lifeguard that he was being really aggressive because I refused to shower a child I don't know and he just sort of nodded.

I mean was I being really really unreasonable?

My son prefers the men's changing room but I don't randomly ask men if they could take my son and shower him? Why was it any different for a woman to do it? Would you have just showered her to save the aggro I eventually got?

Valdeeves Tue 18-Feb-14 15:50:39

I think he sounds terrible - I'd report his behaviour to the swim club. His poor daughter - that's basic care and he's getting riled over it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:05


Elderberri Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:08

WTAF.......he needs reporting..asking total strangers to shower his daughter naked.

whitepuddingsupper Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:20

He was a fucking dickhead, his poor daughter being palmed off on strangers to be showered, she must have been mortified.

kinkyfuckery Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:22

Wow what an aggressive twat.

I definitely would have done/said the same in your situation - and reported him to the club/pool.

DrSeuss Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:39

What kind of person asks a random stranger to shower their child?!

WooWooOwl Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:50

That man was a freak, and you did the right thing. It's not all all unreasonable to refuse to shower a child you don't know!

Melonbreath Tue 18-Feb-14 15:53:20

Yanbu. Aside from demanding a total stranger to wash his child effing and blinding in front of her is nasty.

RunRabbit Tue 18-Feb-14 15:54:43

YANBU. He sounds like an utter dick and you were too nice.

I would have said no, but only because I don't tolerate rude behaviour.

If someone asked and was polite about it I would have taken her with me and not showered her but I would have shown her where the shower was, and kept a look out.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Feb-14 15:54:55

Don't they have a family area?

kotinka Tue 18-Feb-14 15:55:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebluedog12 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:55:18

Oh my goodness that's awful! DH just showers the DDs at the side of the pool. Definitely make a complaint about him. Did he ask anyone else, or were you the only mum around?

He sounds like a twat.

If he'd accosted me like that I've have just said 'no, don't be ridiculous, I don't know you or your child' and walked off.

As for him accusing you within the changing room, I'd have made sure that the other women knew exactly what the score was.

His language in front of his child was appalling too, poor kid having to put up with that.

jacks365 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:58:00

What is it recently this is the second thread where a man has gone into the women's changing room with a young child. Just take them in the mens ffs. YADNBU he's being a total idiot.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 18-Feb-14 15:58:11

Sounds like a nut-job to me.

ChampagneTastes Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:10

That poor little girl - to be raised by such a ridiculous man-child. Obviously YWNBU. Quite apart from all the issues of showering a strange child, it's not your bloody problem!!

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:11

Complain to pool. At my old gym a stunt like that would get you banned.

Thumbwitch Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:25

YWNBU at all!

I might have taken her into the shower area in the ladies, but I wouldn't have undressed her, just showered her with her costume on and sent her back to her Dad.

If he's that "unsorted" when it comes to aftercare of his daughter, then he should have just dried her off, taken her home and showered her there.

What a very rude man, and a stupid thing for him to have attempted! And as for him then entering the women's changing room, well that needs to be reported too, if it wasn't already.

Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:43

Thank you, I did question myself after as he was so angry so I kept thinking 'should I have just did it?' I am CRB checked etc as I work in a school but he doesn't bloody know that..

The little girl didn't utter a word, not even when he was swearing.

I seemed to be the only one he asked but some of the other mums etc have more than one child with them and look busy so maybe he spotted me with just my son and thought bingo, who knows? There are no family rooms and no poolside showers no. Its not the biggest of pools around.

The staff were a bit uninterested, they are all very young and were a bit shruggy about the whole episode..

kotinka Tue 18-Feb-14 16:00:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstigs Tue 18-Feb-14 16:02:56

Heck, you were most certainly nbu. That man's behaviour was appalling. I would like to think the pool staff had some strong words for him when you left. How could he possibly think it was reasonable to 'demand' a stranger showers and dresses his child, storm the ladies changing rooms, then swear and rant at the pool staff because you wouldn't 'do as you were told'. Some people!

Bootoyou2 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:07:43

It isn't a disaster if he were to quickly get her dry and dressed and have a shower once home is it? What is going to happen to her?!

If I was naked and he burst in on me I would be calling security/ police!
That sounds awful.

Floggingmolly Tue 18-Feb-14 16:09:47

Why does he pick you every time, do you think?

arethereanyleftatall Tue 18-Feb-14 16:10:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bowlersarm Tue 18-Feb-14 16:10:45

Speak to the manager.

It's not acceptable behaviour by this man.

He really expects a stranger to take his daughter for a shower? Then takes her into the ladies himself when the stranger refuses?

Mighty weird behaviour.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 18-Feb-14 16:11:11

Tabby = yanbu

Maybe he thinks the mens changing room will be teeming with other men ogling his young daughter. Weird.

YANBU. Strange man. Poor lass.

aworkingmummy Tue 18-Feb-14 16:13:46

That's absolutely crazy - who in their right mind would ask a total stranger to shower their daughter.
YANBU in the slightest.

BlueDesmarais Tue 18-Feb-14 16:16:14

Def speak to the manager. Mr Unhinged needs to be sent home so someone can, I dunno, call a doctor or something.

It's a shame you can't pin a note on his coat about the event so the girl's mother can be made aware of it. Or, frankly, the police. He's running around shouting 'fucking' at strangers, in front of children, barging into women's changing rooms and trying to give his daughter to strangers to get naked with? Man needs a stern talking to.

TheScience Tue 18-Feb-14 16:17:18

Report to the manager, you shouldn't feel intimidated by this man.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 18-Feb-14 16:17:18

The mind boggles! Speak to the manager.

Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:18:36

I am going to speak to the manager next week she is an old school friend of one of my friends so I don't mind pulling her up and having a word.

I don't know why he saw fit to ask me twice, there was other mums and dads there with their mouths open and I was beetroot red at having to say no as it was making him aggressive and drawing attention to us, which I hate and so does my son.

That is why I beat a hasty retreat to the saftey of the changing rooms, or so I thought

Other women did complain hence the reason a lifeguard was talking to him when I left the changing rooms... I just hope he has now been banned.

aintnothinbutagstring Tue 18-Feb-14 16:19:20

Crazy, our pool has just one big unisex changing area and communal showers. Everyone showers in their costume and all the mums and dads stand watching and waiting for their child to shower.

Do people shower naked in your pool? I mean, would she have seen naked men in the mens changing room? Was that what was bothering him. I guess there are still ways and means of getting around it though.

MerylStrop Tue 18-Feb-14 16:20:54

poor kid

I suppose if the mens changing room is full of naked men he might not want her to have to see them ……but whats wrong with ditching the shower and just throwing some clothes on the child and sorting it out later?

the arrangements sound inadequate, surely there is a unisex loo somewhere she could change privately

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 18-Feb-14 16:21:08

What on earth is wrong with towel-drying his daughter, chucking a tracksuit on her and doing the full shower at home? Just like the other thread on this, makes me think the whole thing is a pretext to get in the women's changing room. Which is worth mentioning to the manager when you see her.

Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:23:59

Well my son popped to the toilets in the mens once during a lesson and came out saying loudly I saw a man NAKED in the shower so yes I think they do shower naked but they do in the ladies too.

I didn't ask the man why he didn't want to take his daughter to the mens, I did suggest it to him.

I just maybe had a moment where I thought I was BU, thank god I stuck to my guns even though I was mortified at having to put up with being sworn at.

blahe Tue 18-Feb-14 17:12:32

What a completely bizarre situation!! Do up date next week.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 18-Feb-14 17:14:58

Maybe you could drop your son off at his for a night of babysitting? hmm

pixiepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 17:27:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HyvaPaiva Tue 18-Feb-14 17:32:21

pixie hmm He was wearing his clothes. He wasn't in the pool, it was a lesson.

What a git!

ProfPlumSpeaking Tue 18-Feb-14 17:39:02

YWNBU he was

Surely children go into the changing room appropriate to the gender of their carer until they are old enough to go in on their own (? usually at about 7). When Unhinged Man said "what am I supposed to do?", what does he think mums and sons do? Also, most pools have some sort of Family Change provision, don't they?

DarrenFox Tue 18-Feb-14 17:43:51

I find it entirely believable because some people are proper twonks who don't know how to behave nicely.

DarrenFox Tue 18-Feb-14 17:44:09

that was to pixiepotter

Mim78 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:44:22

I would have thought she could go into the men's showers with him until she is old enough to go in ladies' by herself. There are lots of boys under 7 in the ladies showers as others have said.

Why do we think that men's bodies are more private than women's?

Also not like anything could happen to her with dad with her - a normal dad anyway!

TheScience Tue 18-Feb-14 17:45:41

I never bother showering DS after swimming - is it really necessary? Dry him, clothes on and then home.

StarGazeyPond Tue 18-Feb-14 17:46:46

When my son was little and we went swimming I NEVER showered either him or me. We always got dried, dressed, then had a bath/shower when we got home. Much easier.

goldenlula Tue 18-Feb-14 17:52:29

He was being unreasonable and I would definitely report it to the manager. Pp asking about family changing rooms, our council run pools do not have family rooms, just single sex rooms, with communal changing area and a handful of individual changing rooms.

Megrim Tue 18-Feb-14 17:55:00

Report it to your swimming lesson provider as they will have procedures in place for the use of changing rooms.

ProudAS Tue 18-Feb-14 17:56:45

Had she changed in the ladies to start with? It sounds like her clothes nay have been in there orhad she come in her cossie?

Only1scoop Tue 18-Feb-14 17:57:35

Yanbu at all

That's awful....my dp took our 3.5 dd to her lesson this morning and I've just told him....he's shocked.

Especially him walking into the ladiesblush

ProudAS Tue 18-Feb-14 17:58:23

YANBU at all OP. In this day and age I don't feel comfortable being alone with a young girl in changing room.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:58:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pixiepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 17:59:12

'pixie hmm He was wearing his clothes. He wasn't in the pool, it was a lesson.
Tlking about the kid's clothes not his!! She must have gone in to the changing room alone to take them off so why couldn't she go in alone to put them on again.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 18:01:38

I'm astounded that you didn't report him to the manager there and then.

ProudAS Tue 18-Feb-14 18:02:26

Probably too shocked to report him! I can't see any other reason.

TheScience Tue 18-Feb-14 18:03:07

It's massively tiresome when posters come on threads just to say "I don't believe this". If you don't believe it, why bother posting about it?

pixiepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 18:13:35

And what has your own massively tiresomepost added to the debate theScience? Why did you bother posting?

SofiaAmes Tue 18-Feb-14 18:14:10

I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and maybe been a bit kinder. Maybe his wife passed away recently, or who knows what. It doesn't sound like you were very kind to him. I can think of a dozen reasons why he might have been abrupt, without intending to be rude. If you were really worried about the poor child, maybe saying something kind and soothing to her father to calm him instead of giving him the not very reasonable suggestion of taking his daughter into the men's might have been more helpful to him and therefore to his daughter. Could you possibly have kindly said, that you didn't have time to watch his daughter shower, but would show her how to turn the shower on to a good temperature (in my experience this is generally where a child can have problems showering by themselves). Or maybe you could have just suggested that it would probably be more practical for the girl to shower at home and suggest that she just take off her wet suit and get dressed. I know that sounds obvious, but it's not to everyone, and again, it would have been kinder to give him the benefit of the doubt as to why he was so abrupt and maybe just offered a helping hand.
Frankly, it's one of the things that I disliked the most about living in England was the lack of kindness in strangers.

pixiepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 18:16:25

what does 'showering' a child actually entail.He just meant to keep an eye on her surely.I wouldn't have minded

tallulah Tue 18-Feb-14 18:24:22

Did you look like a member of staff perhaps? Similar outfit?

TheScience Tue 18-Feb-14 18:31:15

Sofia - why is it unreasonable to suggest taking the child into the men's changing room, surely that is what dads normally do? Why should anyone have to be kind and soothing to an aggressive, swearing man? Sounds like the OP was perfectly polite, explained why she couldn't do what he wanted and suggested an alternative.

petalsandstars Tue 18-Feb-14 18:36:06

I'd hardly call aggressive and swearing "abrupt" sofia

maybe saying something kind and soothing to her father to calm him instead of giving him the not very reasonable suggestion of taking his daughter into the men's might have been more helpful to him and therefore to his daughter

That was the most helpful advice she could have given, he may not have realised that accepted protocol is that it is the gender of the adult that takes priority.

SpottyDottie Tue 18-Feb-14 18:38:17

Aren't there showers by the poolside? Most families I've seen just get out of the pool and with costumes still on rinse off there then go to cubicles to change. Its part of a leisure centre so there are individual showers but mostly swimmers use the poolside ones.

He was out of order just shoving her onto you but I'm a bit hmm him taking her into the mens where it seems you can see naked showerers (is that a word??) and likewise he shouldn't go into the ladies. But I guess he thought he could!! dickhead

Oh FFS, RTFT spotty

It's not even a long thread.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Tue 18-Feb-14 18:42:13

I do not think you were being unreasonable. Turning it around I don't think I would ever ask a random dad to shower my son. Nor would I expect my other half to palm off dd on a random mum.
But that said we are both naked round the house a lot so I guess nudity - particularly in Germany - isn't a big deal.
I have helped out a dad though with his two dds - he was very apologetic and embarrassed as the youngest was kicking off about going to the male section but her elder sister didn't want responsibility for her in the ladies section and they both had really long waist long hair and he had forgotten the conditioner...
I won't forget the look of relief on his face when I took them into the communal ladies section and gave them copious amounts of shampoo and conditioner.
But he was lovely, grateful, non-aggressive, wouldn't have asked had I not offered and reminded me of me in early swimming days of me+kids+shitwherestheconditioner so very different circumstances.

Out of interest to all of you:

At what age is it inappropriate for a boy to be in the girls

At what age is it inappropriate for a girl to be in the boys

At what age have your kids been able to shower/change alone

At what age were your dc when you/dp covered up around the house?

Does gender affect that at all? i.e. okay for mum to be naked around daughters and dad around sons but not the opposite or will kids want to bleach their eyeballs from a certain age if they see either parent in the buff?

Children of nudists - who are now parents - any effect of your upbringing on your attitude to nudity/your own parenting?

Am not a nudist, just not always clothed iyswim, but do remember my mum being the same but being mortified seeing dad naked once when I would have been around ten.

TheScience Tue 18-Feb-14 18:45:07

Usually children go into the changing room with their parent until about 8, after than they need to go in the right changing room for their own gender. I'd expect an 8 year old to be able to shower and dress themselves if no additional needs.

foreverondiet Tue 18-Feb-14 18:52:31

To be honest if you are really bothered about your 5/6 girl seeing naked men, you just take a tracksuit to the pool. Give the cossie and her a quick rub, tracksuit over the cossie and then coat and shoes on (no need for socks!) and deal with it at home. Not a big deal.

I probably would have taken someone else's child into the woman's changing room if she was basically of an age she could get showered and dressed herself - say 7/8. As then just looking out for her rather than dressing her. At 7 my DD had to ask someone to turn on and off the shower if she was on her own, now at 10 she can reach!!!

For a 5/6 year old would say just take her to the men's with you.

Megrim Tue 18-Feb-14 18:53:58

The reasoning is that an 8 year old is able to change themselves and emerge from the changing room without falling into the deep end.

SpottyDottie Tue 18-Feb-14 18:54:44

I thought I did read the full thread HighlanderMam! Oh well.....

Lifeisaboxofchocs Tue 18-Feb-14 19:15:41

Pretty sure that this is a gross exaggeration.

Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 20:14:55

I can reassure the ones who think this is made up, I have better things to do with my time!

I spoke to a lifeguard at the time who was dealing with irate dad who sort of just nodded at my explanation.

I live in north London and come across quite a few people who may not be the full package regarding their mental health on tubes/buses and I always always seem to attract their attention, maybe I have a friendly face, I didn't offer a kind word to the dad as I am paying for the lessons and I don't always shower my own child, I usually just want to get home if I am honest so I wasn't exactly going to hang around to shower his daughter.

I wasn't asking anyone to proof read my experience and tell me if it was true or not, how tedious.

I was just asking if I was BU and thank you to those who reassured me I was not.

Just for you spotty from OP's post at -Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:43

There are no family rooms and no poolside showers no. Its not the biggest of pools around.

kotinka Tue 18-Feb-14 20:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler Tue 18-Feb-14 20:24:33

Our pool turns the mens changeroom in to a unisex/family change room during peak swimming lesson periods. There's only one or two men at that time, but heaps of women, and the showers all have doors, and there's a handful of cubicles as well, so anyone can always shut a door if they want privacy. It seems to work quite well. Might be an idea to suggest to the manager when you speak to them.

Bellini81 Tue 18-Feb-14 20:26:13

Thank you Kotinka. Honestly if I could make up stories off the bat like that I would quit my job & become a story writer!

littleducks Tue 18-Feb-14 20:28:12

Whilst I would normally

littleducks Tue 18-Feb-14 20:34:53

Whilst I would normally go out of my way to help someone with their kids I really think this is a step to far.

I can't understand why he keeps picking you? Maybe his wife said to take the girl to swimming and just ask a mum that she knows to shower her and he mistakenly thinks that you are that mum?

At my kids swimming lessons two men regularly bring their daughters into the women's changing rooms. I have complained but not much was done and as its cubicles for showering and changing (and signs saying to remain clothed outside cubicles) it doesn't seem like that big a deal. According to dh the men's has Open showers instead (so the possibility of seeing naked men) and is dirtier so I presume they think the ladies facilities are better.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Tue 18-Feb-14 22:33:27

Quite simple Bellini You attract the nutters grin
[now awaits flaming for using the word nutter. Tries to think of another word - crazies, loonies, mentalists, nutjobs - then turns into Ricky Gervais and gives up entirely whilst pretending to be ironic--

Thumbwitch Wed 19-Feb-14 05:20:47

I still take DS1 into the ladies' loo, and the ladies' changing rooms - he's 6.2. I wouldn't leave him to go on his own until he's at least 7; if DH is with us (not often) then I make him take DS1, to show him the ropes in the men's changingroom/loos.

I don't have DDs, so don't know if I'd do it differently if I had one but my gut feeling is that actually, I would try to stop her using the men's areas younger. Not sure if that makes me paranoid, sexist or just silly, tbh, but it's all theoretical so doesn't really matter.

Mind you, I still haven't quite got over the shock of going to a restaurant's facilities in Boulogne, and finding a man pissing in the pissoir over by the corner, while I had to go in a cubicle. Unisex loos - ugh. (No issue if they're all cubicles, btw)

Livvylongpants Wed 19-Feb-14 06:00:02

I don't see why he couldn't just take her to the men's. my 2/12 year old daughter goes in the men's every Saturday as her dad takes her swimming.

He said when theirs been naked men in shower they often cover up upon seeing a young girl in there. I'm not to worried its just a body and she's with her father so no harm will come to her. He said on a busy Saturday morning there is normally quite a few young girls in there with their dads.

She goes in the men's loo too!

SofiaAmes Wed 19-Feb-14 06:07:16

I feel sorry for anyone with mental health issues who makes the mistake of thinking you are a kind person. You actually sound like a pretty awful person. Do you think that people with mental health issues are that way on purpose. And make a point of picking friendly faces to attack. Do you have a little space in your fee-paying-makes-you-superior-mind that perhaps some people may not have the same fortune in life as you and that they may just possibly have the bad luck to be born with the wrong genes and end up with mental illness. Life is hard enough with every day burdens. Just try tackling it with a brain that you can't control. I am so glad I no longer live in London because it was full of people like you.

ProudAS Wed 19-Feb-14 06:30:31

It can work both ways Sofia - what about the mentally ill person asked to do something they're not comfortable with and getting very stressed about it?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Wed 19-Feb-14 06:31:02

Sofia.... A passionate but daft response.
In a small paragraph, you managed to turn the issue into something about having money (fee paying?) And being a Londoner.

Your intentions are probably decent enough, but sadly you actually completely undermine your point by resorting to sweeping and ridiculous generalisations.

lunar1 Wed 19-Feb-14 06:42:33

I would say to the manager that I expected them to be there during the lesson next week and to intervene if he approaches you again.

It is not at all appropriate for you to take a random child to the shower. He also needs a warning from the manager regarding his behaviour.

BikeRunSki Wed 19-Feb-14 06:48:46

This is something that concerns me. We joined a gym especially for lovely pools and DS (5) has his lessons there. He is not meant to go in the ladies changing room once he is 6; there no family changing and there is no way I am letting him go in the men's alone (ds would never get it together to get himself changed and colkect up all his clothes; all sorts of child safety issues; the men's is on a different floor to the pool and the lady's) but the only way to tge pool is through the changing rooms. All toilets are also in the changing rooms. I have no idea what we'll do when ds is 6. He is very tall and gets enough dodgy looks in the ladies now as it is.

MsLT Wed 19-Feb-14 06:57:44

YA obviously NBU but I think you knew that before you posted OP.
I'm also wondering if it happened exactly the way OP described it. If so, the man has obviously got a screw loose. Also, if other women complained, he was spoken to, you were spoken to and there was general uproar - don't you think the manager will be involved already?

DrDre Wed 19-Feb-14 07:10:01

What! She's his daughter, his responsibility. If she is only 5 / 6 he should shower her in the blokes.
Bang out of order.

Eh Sofia? The OP isn't responsible for someone's mental health. She doesn't have to tolerate someone shouting aggressively at her - whatever the reason. And I don't live in London.

He should take her into the men's. I took ds1 (severely autistic) into the ladies for as long as I could (can't now, he looks like a man, we just can't swim unless there's family changing or a specialist disabled session with mixed changing rooms). If he can't cope with lack of access to family rooms he needs to change swimming venue.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 19-Feb-14 07:39:42

Ya sooo nbu!!

What a nasty rude man. He should do what everyone else does and take his child into the changing room appropriate to his gender until she is able to go by herself.

Presumably it's just men showering and not a live sex show. Is a 5/6 year old really going to be traumatised by a brief glimpse of a penis more than a pair of breasts? It's not as if swimwear leaves much to the imagination anyway.

Perhaps it's the dad who has the problem with accidently witnessing a naked man?

brettgirl2 Wed 19-Feb-14 07:42:41

lol I love these aibu threads where the op meets a nutter and starts to doubt their own sanity. Y A N B U grin

Bellini81 Wed 19-Feb-14 09:52:55

Oh I am chuckling now. I am an awful awful person because I don't stop to help every person who approaches me who may or may not have a mental health illness? Please!

I guess you do lots of volunteering with mental health patients then in your 'not London area' and if not why not? Are you giving up your personal time like I should have at my sons swimming lessons?

I don't have to spend time with anyone calming them down when I have my son with me and even when he isn't. Go and have a cup of tea and calm down.

The incident happened in about 4 minutes flat, from me entering the changing room to him storming in with his daughter then leaving to go by the pool to get her dressed. My son shoved on his top & bottoms and trainers and we left the changing rooms to see him outside with the lifeguard.

I quickly spoke to the lifeguard then we left to get home as I really didn't fancy hanging around to see him outside the building while completely alone. So if that makes me an awful person them so be it. I can live with that.

Many thanks for all your comments, ideas and advice. I do really appreciate you taking your time.

feelingvunerable Wed 19-Feb-14 10:29:41

Report to the manager and make a complaint about this rude man.

Why is it any different for a mother to have to get her son ready than it is for a father to get his daughter ready?


divisionbyzero Wed 19-Feb-14 10:52:25

Complain, as a customer, to the pool.

Tell them you were accosted and sworn at by another customer and made to feel unsafe with your children, that you were shouted at by this stranger actually in the women's changing room (while naked), and want to know what they are going to do about it, to ensure the environment stays and feels safe for women and young children in the face of this behaviour which obviously threatens that. I wouldn't complain about a lifeguard, a lifeguard is not necessarily trained or equipped to deal with difficult social situations or aggro men.

In all seriousness, a grown man who swears at women and children in anything approaching a family session, and who goes into the women's changing rooms and shouts at the women in there, is one of those rare instances of pretty much cruising for a permanent ban at any leisure centre or gym, YADNBU. Get it sorted out before people start feeling generally unsafe there.

divisionbyzero Wed 19-Feb-14 10:54:30

sorry, that should say (while naked?) as I have no idea, but in any case, the changing rooms - that is when you feel extremely vulnerable and this behaviour is totally not on.

tobiasfunke Wed 19-Feb-14 11:00:10

YANBU. We have the same set up at our swimming lessons. DS is 5 and I take him into the ladies changing rooms and change him there- he gets showered at home. When DH takes him they go into the mens. There are lots of Dads that take their wee girls into the men's changing rooms.

NoodleOodle Wed 19-Feb-14 11:01:16

What horrible behaviour from that man, I really feel for his poor daughter. I doubt I would take responsibility for someone else's child at a swimming pool. What if they slipped on a wet patch and broke their neck, would I be responsible? What if they panicked and wanted their parent, ran off and drowned in the pool by accident, would I be responsible? What if they were in a phase of telling tall stories and made up that I'd smacked them or something? All sorts of reasons why I wouldn't do it, and I don't think it's normal for someone to ask or expect another parent to take responsibility for a stranger's child.


SofiaAmes Thu 20-Feb-14 03:06:47

Actually Bellini, I am the parent of a mentally ill child and desperately trying to keep all the pieces together. I can imagine doing slightly odd things in the fog of trying to make life normal for my dd while trying to keep my ds alive. I only wish I had the time to volunteer with mentally ill patients, but am too busy just trying to keep my children safe and alive and figure out how to pay my bills and keep a job in between never ending doctor and hospital visits. I am normally an extremely organized and reasonable person, but have more than once set off for a swimming lesson with one of my dc's without having adequately thought out how I would get them showered and dressed afterwards because I was so overwhelmed with the extra needs my ds had because of his undiagnosed illnesses (he finally got diagnosed at age 11 1/2). Maybe my suffering has made me a little too understanding of the possibility that not everyone acts poorly out of evil intent.

BakerStreetSaxRift Thu 20-Feb-14 08:32:22

Yes Sofia, your own issues are clouding your judgement of what is reasonable.

You do need to go to the pool, or any other activity, being able to cope with your DC yourself, or bring help with you. You cannot just palm one of them off on a stranger, for oh so many reasons, one of which is that it is nobody else's responsibility (another being child protection, another that you don't know what issues other people are silently dealing with).


AngelaDaviesHair Thu 20-Feb-14 22:34:39

And you can't start being very aggressive and swearing if you make a big demand of a complete stranger and the stranger says no.

Pimpf Thu 20-Feb-14 22:41:04

Op, the dad was an arse. Don't care what his reasons were, he should not have gone into the woman's changing rooms.

You also don't demand that someone does something for you, whet hers it's your spouse, your parent or a complete stranger, that it not how you speak to someone.

I would complain to the management and want to know what they are going to do to ensure that this doesn't happen again (him going into the women's changing rooms).

bruffin Thu 20-Feb-14 23:16:19

I have no idea why people think this is untrue.

I was on side watching my dd's lesson. There was a single lane for lessons and the rest public swim. A young couple were in the pool with a baby in a seat. The baby was left to float in the deep end way out of arms reach of either parent.
I then took dd in the female changing room to get changed to find both the man wandering around there. In those days they had a female, family and male changing room. There was no excuse for him to be in those changing rooms at all. They both looked at me fairly vacantly and shrugged their shoulders when i told them he shouldnt be in there and yes they were english speaking.

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 20-Feb-14 23:40:37


Obviously smile

Yes I like kindness, generosity and the helpfulness of strangers. It should be encouraged. It helps everyone.

But not when that person is forcing you to do something you don't feel uncomfortable about and making his problem your problem - and swearing at the while. No. That kind of person get the cold shoulder at best.

We do not reward entitled bullshit behaviour as it reinforces it. smile

starlight1234 Thu 20-Feb-14 23:59:11

YANBU..I would inform the manager particularly as this has happened 2 weeks in a row...

RussianBlu Fri 21-Feb-14 00:43:42

What an odd and horrible sounding man. I think the fact that he first went up to the op and said 'you take her into the ladies and shower her' suggests that he thinks the op is there to offer a free service to all parents who cant be bothered to get their own children sorted out after swimming. How very odd.

Sophia Ames, you sound just as odd, even if you do have a child with mental health issues, you cannot say that the op is a bad person for not doing as the man TOLD her to do. He sounds like he has anger management and major controlling issues. Actually, he sounds like he is part of the Mafia or something.

Why do weird things always happen in leisure centres during swimming lesson times???

I think I will try this out on a man next time I take my son swimming and see how he reacts.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now