not to tgo out with my mum

(82 Posts)
LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 13:15:38

Its half term. Dd wants to do beach walk with our dogs. My mother called wanting me to go with her to pet shop. Its a long walk but dd doesn't want to traipse around shops while my mother whines about her bad back. Sinuses etc. I want the time with dd. I have offereg for my dp to collect the dog food. She was fine when she called eralier but because dd didnt want to do that all of a sudden she is breathless and telling me how she has to go to bank shops etc and take her dog out because id left it too late. I normally take her dog out at lunch time so its not late. I feel like shit but just cant face it.

Normalisavariantofcrazy Tue 18-Feb-14 13:17:48

Ignore your mum, spend time with your DD.

Does your mum have MH issues? Because your post makes it sound as if she has. The world won't collapse because you said no to your mum.

Darling, I don't say this lightly, but isn't it about time to put your mum onto an ice floe?!

Honestly, I have read so many of your posts, stop feeling guilty!!! You do so much for her, and put up with her rudeness and childish behavior. thanks

WitchWay Tue 18-Feb-14 13:25:41

Sounds as if she's being very manipulative.

Hissy Tue 18-Feb-14 13:29:41

Hold on, this is the 'Mum' that pisses off just about every single poor unfortunate bugger that comes anywhere near her, right? the one that has you running to and fro to her pharmacy cos she runs out of her meds and then hurls a hissy fit?

If so, Move home, change your number and change your name.

if not, forgive me mixing things up, but no, you don't need to drag your DD anywhere.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Feb-14 13:57:20

Stop answering the phone for a start.

LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 16:51:34

Hissy, you aren't mistaking me no sad

Well, i went for a lovely walk with my DD to the beach and my own dogs grin I did feel guilty and rang and offered to take her dog out - funnily enough when she answered the phone she was fine again hmm I wouldn't mind but i went out and got her dog food yesterday, but the dog doesn't like it hmm was starving apparently!

I don't know what to think anymore - have had a nightmare over the past few weeks, including a hospital admission where she was just vile to the staff blush I was mortified. I tried to get a MH assesment because i felt she wasn't looking after herself when she was sick, refused a doctors appointment one day, ambulance ride the next but my mum saw me talking to the doctors and managed to persuade them that she was fine and the dr pretty much had a go at me for interfering shock

I have spoken to her Dr and she said she was going to seek the advice of a psychiatrist,which i know she has done as she called me yesterday but I missed the call. Have booked appointment for thursday to discuss it.

The thing is, this is not new behaviour, she did this to my poor dad his whole life, he literally was not allowed to sit down sad She treated him like shit on her shoe, although when he became sick with dementia you could not have faulted how she cared for him - but of course she caused loads of trouble in the hospitals/care home. So i don't know if its a MH thing of a person who is so used to the world literally revolving around her throwing her toys if something doesn't go quite her way so now i am questioning whether or not i am doing the right thing getting the medics involved as 90% of the time she is perfectly capable of looking after herself, but when she gets sick she refuses to co-operate with the doctors. I have run myself ragged over the past few weeks and not one time has she said thankyou - she rang me and offered to buy me a new lap-top (which is her way of thanking me i suppose) but i refused as i don't want to feel beholden. I would rather she just said thankyou, accepted that i can't always drop everything and that she would speak to me in a manner that didn't suggest she thought i was the shit on her shoe.

Sorry, mega-rant

LouiseSmith Tue 18-Feb-14 17:21:03

LEM - are we related? This sounds like my grandmother.

I feel your pain

LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 17:24:28

don't know Louise, unless of course that is your mother;s name! ;)

BabyMummy29 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:26:02

Sounds like my mother. I had the day off work yesterday, so she informed me she'd made a Drs appointment for 9am so that I could take her as I'd be free.

No lie-in for me then - how dare I have a day off and actually want to spend it being lazy.

After being kept waiting in surgery for an hour, we had to fetch prescription then traipse round Tesco etc - I finally got home just before 12.

Hissy Tue 18-Feb-14 18:01:23

Stop doing stuff you don't want to do.

Put your children/husbands/garden gnomes first and just be!

It really is that simple. It really is.

Get the Toxic Parents book and stop allowing the guilt they make you feel ruining your lives.

Talk to your partners and follw their leads.

WitchWay Tue 18-Feb-14 18:08:58

BabyMummy I don't ever tell my mum if I have a sneaky day off as she'll be on the phone most of the day pestering.

rabbitlady Tue 18-Feb-14 18:39:37

see, we have these babies, and they grow up, and they're the people we like best in the world and the ones we want to see and be with.
mine had to send me home today.
ok, ok, i won't go tomorrow. i'm busy in the morning, anyway.

TruJay Tue 18-Feb-14 19:16:58

God i feel for u, my grandma is just the same, a lovely woman i love dearly who can be a very nasty, bitter, vile person!!

My mum has been her carer since she was 12 and as we got older, I am one of 3 siblings, we all got roped into the care too which was massively increased after the death of my grandad. By the age of 14 i was having major breakdowns after being kept on the phone for hours on end "where are you now? What are you doing? Oh you're in a shop, what music is playing? What do they sell there? Where is your mum? What is she doing? What this, what that? It is like mental cruelty.
As a family we were at her beck and call day in day out for years constantly under appreciated and played off against each other. I could fill an entire thread with things she has done.

In my experience u just have to cut off, my grandma no longer has my phone number and i only call her every so often of my own accord. She can still be extremely nasty to me yet now i can just shrug it off and end the call, i am no longer under her control.

you have to realise that in their opinion you and yours are not important and nothing u do will ever be good enough and never appreciated.

i don't know if your situation is as extreme as our families but u really have sympathy if so

Hissy Tue 18-Feb-14 19:37:43

Rabbit? What's your point?

Do you manipulate and emotionally blackmail your dc? Do you fake all kinds of drama for attention?

Try and break up your dc relationship? Steal their children from them?

That's the kind of mother that's being discussed here, if that's you, pack it in. Go get some therapy and stop destroying people's lives.

If you haven't got any experience of any of this, step aside and give thanks to god for that, because coming on here with passive aggressive posts is a waste of everyone's time.

BabyMummy29 Tue 18-Feb-14 19:51:15

Unfortunately Witchway as I'm a teacher, my mum can easily find out when I'm going to be off so I have to invent imaginary things to do otherwise she'd expect me to be available all the time sad

LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 20:18:01

Rabbit. I get your point. I hate to think my dd's would one day feel this way about me. Dont get me wrong. I love my mum, very much, if I didn't I doubt I'd be bothered.

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 06:42:09

The difference being LEM that you actually care what your dds feel. Your mum doesn't care what you feel, only what she feels.

PLEASE get some distance? Please carry on saying no (when you want to) and stop allowing her to call the shots in your life.

Your relationship is at stake here, eventually she'll try to break it to get you all to herself. Don't kid yourself.

rabbitlady Wed 19-Feb-14 07:56:01

hissy - behave! 'passive aggressive posts'? i suspect I'm not the one in need of therapy here.
its natural for your mothers to want to be with you. you are the most impactful people in their lives. sometimes we, as mothers, get a bit much.
some mothers are dreadful. i have one. but they aren't all like that.
as for 'step aside', this is a public forum, not your private conversation, and anyone can post. live with it.

diddl Wed 19-Feb-14 08:10:21

Does she not take her dog out?

Could it not have gone to the beach with yours?

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 09:34:04

rabbit, i don't really understand the point of your post, what are you trying to say to me?

diddl - generally i take her dog out as she has a bad back, i was perfectly happy to tke him out yesterday before i took mine out - we were going on a long walk on the beach and i can't cope with three dogs and my DD, also he doesn't like to walk far and will just turn on his heels and go home when he has had enough grin and at 60kg, its an argument i don't always win! She was just being stubborn as she wanted me to take him out right there and then rather than wait half an hour for me to give DD her lunch.

diddl Wed 19-Feb-14 09:46:00

Was just worried about the dog!

Would it be better off with someone who can look after it?

So it's a means of you having to go round everyday to walk the dog?

What if you stop?

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 09:49:53

i wont though, i love the dog

diddl Wed 19-Feb-14 09:50:41

That's the catch!

YouTheCat Wed 19-Feb-14 09:52:33

Lem, I want you to get a mirror, put a photo of your mum on it, and practise saying 'no' over and over.

It's great that you help your mum so much but she is making you ill. I know you don't want to go no contact because you are a lovely person and would worry. But the only person who can change the dynamics of this relationship is you. Your mum is not going to change.

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 09:57:46

I don't really do tht much for her though Youthecat, its the bare minimum really and i am questioning whether i am just being selfish by not wanting to do more.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Feb-14 10:03:52

You are not selfish, no way. She expects you to drop everything when she wants you and that is not right.

You sound much more sorted than last year, if you don't mind me saying. Great that you do so much for her. Better that you make her wait until it is convenient for you to help though.

divisionbyzero Wed 19-Feb-14 10:14:45

She wants you to see to her dog's needs before you give dd her lunch.

My advice is that you need to create a tiny bit of breathing space, just step out of kicking distance for more of the time in a week. If you don't want to hurt her feelings/be assertive/argue/whatever, just have other non-negotiable demands on your time, real or imagined, that cut into some percentage of your being-a-lackey time.

I strongly suspect that every inch of distance will make you all a bit happier in the long run, even if she will moan. It isn't a case of not being loving enough, but the medicine everyone needs.

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 19:48:10

Like I said Rabbit, if you don't know what you are talking about, step aside.

Your post was sarcastic and uninformed. You absolutely don't know the first thing about this subject, but you have to pile in with your lazy and frankly stupid post.

The mother here, and those of many others are what necessitates many women here to need therapy. Nothing wrong with that. It's better than going through life suffering due to the abuse and harm of a dysfunctional family background.

It's been speculated that LEM's mother has narcissistic tendencies.

It is impossible to have a normal relationship with a narc.


So kindly take your 'Natural' comment and apply it to a natural scenario, but that's not here. Perhaps try Chat, it's not so easy to offend those who are here (sometimes multiple threads) needing help.

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 19:52:02

I agree with YouTheCat, LEM, there is a lot more oomph about you these days! You seem much less resigned/helpless than before!

These things take time, little by little, you'll get there!

Is she responding to your new boundaries? Or does she catch you on the hop with the breathing shenanigans etc?

Main thing is to try to remain calm, detached a bit, enough not to say 'how high' when she says jump. Better yet if you are able to say 'no, i'm not going to jump thanks'

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 20:38:16

DP has just had to take her to OOH, because she "can't breathe" I would say that someone who can scream and shout at me that she cant breathe, is doing ok hmm She has an appointment with the specialist next week, but decides that tonight is the night she can't do it anymore - i didn't know what to do so called OOH, DP was with me, she had got me round there on the pretence of taking her milk. There will be nothing OOH can do, but how could i leave her like that - she knows this, but now wouldn't let me go to the hospital with them because i will "cause trouble" FFS - So am at home with my DD while poor DP dances to her tune - fuck i must sound like a heartless bitch but i am at breaking point. Hissy, i have been doing better, and stepping back a bit, so i feel she is upping her game - I don't know what she wants me to do - she was perfectly fine when she rang up asking for milk - when i took it round it all started - there was milk in her fridge hmm

I told her that she has to stop doing this to me, i am going to break - she told me "after they have sorted me out, i don't want to see you anymore" fuck me, if only she meant it. I feel like the biggest bitch, she was sobbing but i had no sympathy whatsoever, i have passed the buck onto my poor DP - to be fair, he would have had to take her, i can't drive.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 19-Feb-14 21:06:05

So.....stop answering the phone for a start.

Beginning to feel like a cracked record but if you run around after her all the time, what do you expect?

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 21:10:36

She's my mother, what else am i supposed to do?

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 21:47:40

She is an emotional terrorist, who just happened to give birth to you.

She will get worse as she realises she's losing her grip on you.

When they have sorted her out, she doesn't want to see you any more.

There is your get out. If she calls, tell her to call 999.

You are going to have to be strong on this. It will be excruciatingly difficult, but you have to do this. For your family.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Feb-14 21:52:22

Lem, get an answering machine and screen her calls and a new sim for your mobile or a new mobile and just use your old one for your mum. That way you can choose to answer or not.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 06:48:25

" "after they have sorted me out, i don't want to see you anymore""

Take her at her word!

She can call an ambulance/taxi if necessary.

perplexedpirate Thu 20-Feb-14 06:55:42

Hissy, you've just said some of the wisest words I've ever seen on a phone screen.
Please will you come and hold my hand next time I speak to my mum?

Minifingers Thu 20-Feb-14 07:05:58

The OP's mum is old, not in good health by the sound of it, and maybe lonely.

I'd love to think I would manage my emotions and behaviour well in this situation but I suspect I'll be a PITA too.

OP - you have my sympathy. My mum is very demanding too, and snipes at me. It's hard.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 10:52:58

minifingers - all those reasons are the reasons i take all of the shit, but its affecting my mental health and i suspect has been for a long time, had i but recognised it. I suffer from crippling anxiety and am on medication, had counselling etc but never spoke about my mum because i felt guilty.

I am now sat here with butterflies in my stomach because i need to go and get her meds that wont do any good that she was prescribed by the doctor last night. I spoke to the dr on the phone and he agreed with me that she just needs to wait and see the specialist next week. I shouldn't be scared to take her meds round but i am. I actually feel sick.

Maybe it is me, had NO sympathy for her last night, at all, i just felt angry, i should have tried to make her feel better but i couldn't. Maybe i am just as selfish as i think she is.

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 11:03:13

Mini, would you demand someone drops everything and sees to their shopping/dog/meds immediately and if they can't (for very good reasons) would you then scream at them down the phone? Lem's mum is more than capable of doing things for herself but she chooses not to. She also chooses not to manage her conditions effectively, going against advice. I know pain makes people grumpy and unreasonable at times but she is taking the mick.

Lem, I hope your visit is a quick and easy and not too stressful.

nennypops Thu 20-Feb-14 11:04:56

Can you just leave her meds on the doorstep? After all, she told you she didn't want to see you any more, you are just taking her at her word.

And I agree, if she is claiming there is a medical emergency, don't take her to the doctor or offer your dp, just tell her to call an ambulance.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 11:10:52

I am just confused, my DP says everything that you guys say, but am i painting a darker picture than it really is? Maybe i don't do enough? maybe i should take her "side" against the medics etc? I am waiting for the doctor to call me, she took advice on monday as how to proceed - the thing is, i genuinely don't know if this is a mental health thing or a difficult person thing. I do know that i am at breaking point, but think i should just step up and look after my mother.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 11:25:44

OP, I don't know your backstory.

But in simple terms, she treats you like this because she can!

I agree with putting meds on doorstep/through letterbox tbh.

Look, it's fine doing stuff for others if it doesn't impact on your own health/family & if they aren't abusive towards you!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 20-Feb-14 11:28:38

LEM You have a dd. she needs to come first. You chose to bring her into the world. You have a responsibility to her.

In order to take care of her you need to take care of you. If you are close to breaking point then you are close to not being able to take care of her.

You said that your mum was like this to your dad. So she isn't old, I'll, scared and in pain. She is the way she is. She is either narcissistic or just not a very nice person. No matter what you do it won't be enough.

Please take care of you so that you can take her of your dd.

Ps - sorry for the guilt trip but I suspect if I said you need to take care of you because you matter you wouldn't listen.

Alwayscheerful Thu 20-Feb-14 11:45:01

I would call an ambulance and hopefully they will send a paramedic along, let them tell her there is nothing wrong with her and then you must leave when they leave.

You need to look after yourself your daughter and your husband and do whatever is necessary to retain your sanity.

"fuck i must sound like a heartless bitch but i am at breaking point"
LEM, you do not sound like a heartless bitch. I've read some of your previous threads and you are about as far from a heartless bitch as it is possible to get (your mother, on the other hand ....).

"Maybe it is me, had NO sympathy for her last night, at all, i just felt angry, i should have tried to make her feel better but i couldn't. Maybe i am just as selfish as i think she is."
I am so glad that you were angry rather than sympathetic. Your sympathy is her weapon against you, your anger is your shield. Hold on to the anger, because it is fully justified. As for "i should have tried to make her feel better" - how would you have done that? So much of your mother's medical problems is manufactured by herself, she positively enjoys (and exaggerates) it for effect. It is another weapon against you. Her idea of feeling better is making you squirm with guilt and anxiety. I will personally come round and give you a slapping if you give her the satisfaction (smile you know I never would). You are not selfish. I wish you were smile, then she'd never have got her claws so deep into you.

Yes she's your mother. Which just goes to show that the ability to breed is completely separate from the ability to play nice with other people.

"i genuinely don't know if this is a mental health thing or a difficult person thing. I do know that i am at breaking point, but think i should just step up and look after my mother."
You don't need to know what's at the root of her behaviour; you just need to know, and acknowledge, the effect it is having on YOU. As for 'stepping up to look after her' <considers slapping LEM again>, absolutely not. Stepping back is what you should be thinking about. You are at breaking point, and she will relish breaking you. Listen to your DP, he is witnessing it first-hand and he cares about you.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 13:58:16

The doctor rang this morning and the psychiatrist said that she has the capacity to take care of herself, but that she sounds like she is depressed - um, well, yes, i imagine she is. She is in pain, losing her independance, lonely and frightened. I feel desperately sorry for her - it breaks my heart to see he like this. But I suffer from depression, and whilst i can be a trial sometimes, i try not to lash out that those i care about and i have sought help. As the GP says, i have more awareness, but that doens't help when i am being run ragged. Maybe if i didn't suffer from anxiety it would just go over my head and i'd roll my eyes, do what needs to be done and let all the shite wash over me, i do tend to take things to heart. Have had a bit of a falling out with DP, poor bugger, i think he is just tired of it all as i am. sad

Mother was nice as pie today "oh you shouldn't have bothered getting the prescription just now, its raining hard, i could have waited hmm" yeah, righto! I got her meds and i bought an inhailer cup thing for olbas oil. Hopefully it will get sorted soon.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 14:03:15

Well is she depressed or not, & if so, what's she doing about it?

Why is she lonely?

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 14:08:09

And she was nice today after you told her that you've about had enough??!!

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 14:09:03

She wont accept that she is depressed and she wont do anything about it, they tried to give her diazepam for her back a while back and she wouldnt take them because those are "for nutters" err, thanks, i was taking them at the time hmm She is always having a go at me for taking medication and allowing the doctors to fill me up full of drugs. So I don't think we will get very far with anti-depressants, which is a shame because it will help i think.

She is lonely because no one goes to visit her, no one goes to visit her beause she will rant about things on and on and on, like a broken record, at the moment her campaign is against the doctor, before that it was her sister (that would take a month to explain but she thinks her sister has stolen things from her house, damaged things in her house and put "acid" her idea of poison in her cooker - she has totaly dismantled her cooker and has nothing to cook on) But no mental health intervention - no no hmm

"She is in pain, losing her independance, lonely and frightened"
In pain - but fucks about with her meds so that she can guilt you.
Losing her independence - more like throwing it away with both hands with her behaviour.
Lonely - because her behaviour drives people away.
Frightened - now that's the one I really can't see. The only fear I can imagine her having is of boredom, should she lose control of her emotional punchbag (you).

LEM, you've got to stop focusing on her and switch your focus to you, DP and DD.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 14:17:21

Well if she's not to all she can to help herself & drives people away with her attitude, then she only has herself to blame tbh.

Hissy Thu 20-Feb-14 14:21:07

perplexedpirate AWWW ((((HUG))) of course I will hold your hand lovey.

Hissy Thu 20-Feb-14 14:33:19

She was nasty to you before, now she is nice. this is the crazymaking shit they pull to keep you so 'on your toes' that you are unable to function in your own life.

She has conditioned you to be solely focussed on HER mood as YOUR indicator for your own. It doesn't matter how you feel, only how she does. If you wake up full of the joys of spring and she wakes up in a fug, YOU need to be in that fug, or else.

You need to take further control of your life and see that your feelings are valid, your decisions and choices too. You have your boundaries respected by those that love you and want the best for you.

she doesn't respect you, or your boundaries because, to her, you are not important. Only for what you do for her. It's not even about YOU doing this stuff, it's the fact that she needs attention to feel alive, and she will demand it from wherever she can get it, and whoever is daft enough to provide it.

You can't see a way out of this on your own, because this mess is all you have ever known.

your DP knows different, we (although may have experienced similar) are NOT conditioned by her so her poison doesn't work on us...

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 14:33:48

She is in pain, losing her independence, lonely and frightened

Lem, you have said she has always been like this, so unless she's been old and infirm all her life, she is playing you for a fool. The psych says she is perfectly capable and she really is.

I think in her mind, she thinks you won't bother with her if there is no reason to and so she makes the reasons up. Yes, she might well be depressed but that does not give someone a free pass to treat others like crap.

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 14:35:00

Also the nasty one minute and nice the next is classic abusive behaviour.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 14:42:15

I think its funny that this week she has "played up" more because DD has been home and ihaven't been able to do as much. I do wonder if i am being unfair, but what you all say is what my DP says - i find it hard to accpt that she doesn't care for me though. She would give me her last penny, but i don't want the money, i just want to be able to live my life. I woke up this morning in an anxious state - DP asked if i felt "well" sad i was just scared of what the day would bring so was of course relieved when it seems to be (so far) drama free - i think i may just turn my phone off smile

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 15:44:41

Good idea.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 15:46:26

Of course you're not being unfair-you have your own family to think of.

How old is your daughter?

I've been assuming that she's quite young & that therefore your mum isn't old.

rabbitlady Thu 20-Feb-14 17:04:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:11:12

rabbitlady - i didn't see your message i can only assume it was an unkind comment, well you are entitled to your opinion i guess.

diddl, my mum is 76 and up until recently has been amazingly fit, despite a long-term medical condition. Because she is losing her indepedance it is making her even more cantankerous than normal. but lets just say, everyone's scared of my mum and i could probalby still set up on someone if they upset me grin My eldest DD (who is 23) calls her "nana" because she is like catherine tate's nana - except worse! She is not five foot tall and has always been like a little rotweiller.

I know that i probably make her out to be an utter cunt on these threads and i don't mean to do that really, but it helps me to have an outlet to maon about it because poor DP can't put up with it all the time. She was awful to my dad all his life, he only really stayed with her because of me - but you know what, she bloody adored him and when he got sick with alzheimers once he was really poorly and had to go in a carehome, that rotweiller streak in her meant that when he was getting poor care it was sorted out and she was utterly devoted to him - at the end, he only recognised her and she slept by his bed in the hospice for a week when he died. She isn't a bad person, just a difficult one - the trouble is, my mental health isn't up to dealing with it.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:13:16

didl my youngest is 8

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 18:29:03

Is your 23yr old able to help at all?

oldgrandmama Thu 20-Feb-14 18:40:07

Oh dear, poor OP. She has all my sympathies. My own late mother was an arch manipulator. She was in a series of very nice nursing homes and they got so hacked off with her attitude, trouble-making etc. etc., that they kept moving her on to another home run by the same people. She even tried to get me to lie in order that she could get staff fired! It got to the stage where I was pretty well bribing the matron of one of the homes (with crates of booze, nights out in London, presents) not to throw her out.

Eventually I went no contact for just over a year, though I continued to provide pocket money and anything mother wanted, such as new bed, TV, Video recorder, clothes etc. I did visit her again a year or so before she died and she even apologised shock

I think that going no contact can be a wake-up call to people such as OP's mother - maybe worth trying? She sounds an absolute bloody nightmare and I feel so sorry for OP and her family.

oldgrandmama Thu 20-Feb-14 18:42:31

Forgot to add, my mother had been a pretty horrible person to me all my life, it wasn't something that came on in old age.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:44:24

She doesn't live locally diddl, to be fair, when she did live here she was really good to my mum but she basically did to her what she is doing to me and had her at her beck and call so she stopped going there after a while. I wish she could see that the way she goes on leads to her isolating herself. She has a sister that she has fallen out with (although she is in australia) because she is so jealous of her (long long story) a SIL who doesn't bother with her anymore because of the way she is (so they know if they call her it will be the same gripes over and over and over and you just can't reason with her). Her niece often asks her up for dinner but she doesn't go, again, i don't think she calls her anymore as she is the same and her niece has too much of her own shite to deal with. So its just me really.

I am hoping that they can sort her sinuses and other medical things out so that she can at least get out and do her garden this year, if they can't do that then i think she will fall further into a depression.

Just after christmas i took a big step back and she was actually doing better - then she had a crisis and i was back to square one. So i think i need to step back again to a degree as that seems to be better for her.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 19:37:11

I think that you need boundaries.

Decide what you will do for her & stick to it.

Don't put up with her being nasty-walk away from that/go home.

A step back might do you both good.

rabbitlady Thu 20-Feb-14 22:06:26

hissy, why not be less aggressive in your posts?

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 22:22:25

rabbitlady - are you reading a different thread? because i cannot see where hissy has been anything other than supportive actually.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 07:50:32

LEM, it could be that your DM perceived the 'step back' and for this reason escalated.

You do need to step back again, and again and again. Yes she will try all manner of shite to pull you back in, but that should serve as proof that you must keep going.

Decide on your boundaries and never, ever compromise on them.

If you adopt broken record, and ensure between you and dh that there is no chink in the armour, it won't be as hard to battle through it.

Remember Stately Homes is always there is you need support, or post back on this thread no matter when and we'll see you.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 07:51:20

Goes without saying lem, PM me if ever you need to?

Evie2014 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:05:37

Apologies if this has been posted before but it is a very useful website.

Evie2014 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:16:45

Eek! My apologies- looks as if their useful forum has shut down. Pity. But do google "Narcissistic mother" if you can. It may be helpful.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 11:02:12

I think its funny that this week she has "played up" more because DD has been home and i haven't been able to do as much

Actually, it's more about competing for attention. sad

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 11:09:21

This thread might be useful for some here to appreciate that when we are 'blessed' with mothers that demand so much, but give back so little, or are in some cases out and out cruel, that we have an utter right to want to distance ourselves. We have that right and actually a real need to do so. For our own health, and that of our children and partners (as applicable)

Our feelings are our feelings and we are entitled to them, no matter how inconvenient these feelings are to others.

if we are hurt by the actions/words of others, we are hurt and that's real. Whether it was the intention of that person to hurt us, and what they do about it when they are made aware of that hurt is what separates a Good Parent and a Dysfunctional one.

Remember this:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

We *DON'T have to consent to being made to feel we're not good enough. Not for anyone, nor for any reason.

LEMmingaround Fri 21-Feb-14 18:20:09

Well, that was an interesting day - i went out with my friend and her children. My mum phoned and was obviously pissed off, then at lunch time a phone call, i needed to go and sort the dog out as he had shit stuck to his backside hmm I told her to put him in the garden and i'd go round later. Had a lovely lunch with friend, she could see i was agitated so she dropped me at my mums and waited out side while i sorted the dogs shitty backside out - en route my mum rang, saying she needed to take the dog to the vet because he was in such a bad way - well by this time i was outside her house. Yeah he was in a mess and there was plenty of poo - think 60k dog with hair like an afghan hound hmm Cleaned him up and went up to friends house, was there a few hours and the phone rang again - she was in a right state saying she couldnt get through to the doctors - i just told her to walk straight down there, luckily they got her an appointment with the practice nurse, my friend dropped me off and my mum was in a real state, crying and shaking etc and rubbing at her ears - I told the nurse she couldnt be left like this over the weekend and thankfully her doctor came and prescribed some diazepam (and jokingly told me not to "borrow" them) She has at least taken them and hopefully is feeling less upset - she was in full on panic attack mode. Fortunately she was being nice (for a change).

So will wait to see what the weekend brings - because i was at my friends all day i felt relaxed and dealt with it better, but i said to my friend this morning when my mum rang and i said i was out with a friend that there would be drama, i wasn't wrong!

Heres hoping the diazepam knocks her out for a bit!

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 19:29:18

She did all that because you were out with a friend.

Let her sort her own dog's shitty bottom out -ffs--.

Leave your mobile at home next time. She isn't infirm, she is doing this on purpose.

Let the social services/dr/whoever deal with her. She won't play them up.

LEMmingaround Sun 23-Feb-14 11:39:57

Well things hve been quiet so far, yesterday she called me while i was out and was crying down the phone - i told her to take the diazepam and lie down, i was just waiting for our dinner to be served in a cafe with dp and dd. So of course i couldnt relax and went straight round, she was snoozing on the sofa, not taken the diazepam because it gave her a headache.

This morning - five missed calls on my mobile at 8.30, i called her back and all i got was "what" then when i asked her what the matter was it was "nothing, nothings the matter" and the phone put down. I'm not ringing her back!

I don't know how i am gonig to get through until wednesday.

WHY do i keep pandering? There was another thread on here i have just read and it was like reading abotu my life - threats to contact SS etc when DD1 was young (i was a single parent) because i went out with someone (a woman, just friends) she didn't like hmm This was just one example. Lucky for me she liked my DP because i daresay she would have scuppered that. I went to university when DD1 was at primary school and my parents did all the childcare (i now realise this ws my DF because she has only ever looked after DD2 less than the amount of fingers i have on one hand and she is 8 now - DD1 is 23) But there were constant threats of not being able to look after DD1 if i didn't do things the way she wanted, i can't even remember what - but i lost count of the times i thought i would have to drop out of uni.

My head is all over the place, i know i am just going round in circles over and over and must be boring you all senseless, but i am trying to get my head round things.

I don't know if i am overdramatising etc and being narcisistic myself and making it all about me - which is why i haven't really engaged with the stately homes thing, don't think its a place for me - i wasn't abused as a child.

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:03:40

Please STOP being constantly available to her!

Leave your mobile at home, or switch it off for some peace and quiet.

Stop running around there everytime she squeaks. Tell her to take the meds, or if they don't agree with her for her to go to the drs and change it.

It's not rocket science, she really can manage her own life.

Remember she told you that she wanted nothing to do with you only a couple of days ago.

Take her at her word and show her consequences of her vile behaviour. Perhaps it'd make her think before opening her mouth next time...

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:06:34

You were manipulated, and trained to be her narc supply.

It's not all about physical abuse in stately homes, it's about dysfunction.

Your situation is the very definition of dysfunction.

Dysfunctional childhoods damage children the same way 'abuse' does. The relationship you have doesn't make you happy, and she is terrorising your family life.

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:08:18

Oh btw, you are not narcissistic. If you were, you'd not think you were! ;-)

The self evaluation and reflection is cast iron proof of this.

Narcs don't evaluate themselves and find themselves wanting...

MrsHappyBee Sun 23-Feb-14 12:20:09

OP Ive been following this thread and totally sympathise with you. You talk about feeling guilty if you don't help your mother. My DM is similar, I really identity with her spoiling any enjoyment you might be having, phoning and making you feel on edge.
It took me a long time to 'uncondition' myself, but I have managed it and it has improved my life enormously.
I don't know why people say "She's your mother!" if it was a husband/partner being so manipulative and abusing they'd shout LTB.
Keep asking yourself would you treat your DC like this, if the answer is no then don't allow your mother to do it to you.
You aren't responsible for your mother's depression and won't be able to make her better. Like other posters have said you need to distance yourself. It sounds as though your DH is getting fed up with it, do you really want to risk ruining you relationship to appease your mother? She won't give a toss if your marriage ends.
Do you want to spend the next 20 years feeling like this?

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