MIL 60th birthday - AIBU or help me get some perspective(141 Posts)
I've posted about MIL before. Basically, I find her a very selfish person. That's fine - she's entitled to be so.
We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD. my parents are the antithesis of PILs and give us a huge amount if practical and emotional support. They are "doers". So they'll just arrive with meals and pitch in with cleaning etc. MIL sends weird passive aggressive emails saying she wants to "help" more but won't actually do anything practical. And, when she's with the DCs, isn't very good at putting their needs above hers - eg she'll have DS shrieking with hunger in his high chair whilst she has her lunch first etc.
It's MIL's 60th birthday and she wanted to have an evening meal thing. Again, she's quite entitled to have that but we felt that wouldn't be possible fir us given the age of DS in particular. And we live over a hundred miles from the PILs so it would have been a long drive home later. Staying with them isn't practical. But the main issue is that 14 month old DS needs to be in bed.
Instead, we suggested going out for lunch with the PILs as MIL always saying she wants to see the DC etc.
So it was agreed that we would travel to the PILs and take them out fir lunch. They would then have their evening do that day. Fine. We would go up and down in the day (long round trip) to facilitate this. Plus I am exclusively expressing to feed DD due to latch probs. but that's ok - it's only one day and I bought an in car charger for the expressing machine so I could sit in the car and do that.
Last night, MIL phoned DH to say that, actually, she would prefer to have her hair done in the afternoon so we would need to cancel the lunch and she would like DH to come to the evening do. The DCs and I can stay at home - ie she's not bothered about seeing them
For the avoidance of doubt, I want to be very clear that I entirely respect MIL's right to have whatever kind of celebration she wants for her birthday.
What is getting in my nerves is her self-avowed wish to see more if the DCs. Despite making no effort to come and see them and then turning down the opportunity to do so to have her hair done.
I'd quite like to say something to MIL, should the opportunity present itself, but I won't. Because at the end if the day, she's the one who choses what kind of relationship she has with the DCs.
AIBU re this
YANBU - but don't go out of your way from now on. And seethe on here
Don't go out of your way to help her see your DCs I mean, if that wasn't clear!
Don't worry too much, lots of family say they want to see more of the dc's, next time just say that lovely, they love to see you, when are you coming to visit
this would piss me right off
YANBU. Let her come to visit you next time. Is your DH going to go to the dinner?
You haven't told us your DH's response to this situation.
I don't think you would be U to mention specific occasions (such as the above) when she's cancelled arrangements to see the grandkids.
But it won't change anything, so you may as well not bother wasting your breath.
yes - best thing just to smile and nod.....
I often suggest alternatives to my DH and SIL about the way their mum does things but they always insist that the way that she is doing it is the right way (because she's their mum and can do no wrong ) so I just smile, nod and go along with it
(and put my foot down every once in a while )
I just want to know if your DH is going!
I think you should just let your dh go and stay at home. he will be asked all evening where you and the DC's are and needs a good answer for that. lots of PIL and grandparents say one thing and mean something completely different. at least you now know where you stand.
Obviously her appearance matters more than seeing the DC. I recall feeling much the same when my FIL declined coming over on Christmas day when the children were very young (it was DD's first Christmas, Ds was 3, and children are only young for a very short time) because it would mean he couldn't have a glass of wine with his dinner. I was working, therefore we couldn't go to them, before anyone suggests that. It never ceases to amaze me the different ways people prioritise things!
Ooh, that would piss me right off. The next time she mithers on about seeing more of the DC's I would be tempted to say 'go on then, when?'.
My NY resolution is JFDI. I reckon she needs a healthy dose of that attitude, pronto.
chop - yes. dH is going to the dinner. I have no issue with that as he doesn't intend to leave til DS is settled for the night and will do bath etc before he goes. So I'll just be giving DS his milk and getting him in to bed (maybe 30 mins earlier than normal). He'll be late fir the dinner but his view is so be it.
DH also wants to drive back that night. But I feel it's too long a drive so I've said he should stay over at PI.ls and come back early in the morning. He's swithering as he wants to get home. Plus we have a routine where he does Friday and Sat night feeds so I just get up for the expressing and he feeds DD so I can get more sleep.
I've not said that I think MIL has rather played herself off side re seeing the children etc as the facts speak for themselves. I did make a mild comment that I quite understood and that MIL must spend the day as she wishes - it's her birthday. He said he agreed and we couldn't dictate her celebrations. I said absolutely not. But we never had tried to do. We had offered to go for a lunch to allow MIL to see the children. We had never tried to have the night do cancelled. MIL has decided she would prefer to have her hair done and that is entirely her prerogative.
Miserable old waggon. On my 60th last year we had open house. I did a running buffet < courtesy of M n S > and people were asked to come whenever it was convenient .Should have known better with our lot; they came , all 20 adults and god knows how many kids , and stayed. Good time had by all , no ' having hair done ' bollocks , no falling out and everyone from 90 year old MIL to smallest 6 weeker DGD very wellcome. Sounds like your MIL is rather hard to please. Best if you keep EBF baby with you and let DH go and pander to mardybum.
I'd just let DH go, smile and say nothing.
My MIL is horribly similar, makes a big bloody noise about 'helping' but does nothing - it's made me cry more times than I care to remember.
The answer for where you are is 'at home with little ones, journey too long & would be too much for them' with a smile.
As for my MIL, I'm going for the revenge is a fish best eaten cold approach. Just saying!
Sounds just like my mil.
Selfish to the core.
What does your dh think?
In this situation I would send dh alone if he wants to go.
Does she have form for this kind of thing?
chop - I will let them come here for a visit. But it's a lot of work. They stay the night and look on it as a lovely little mini break - I.e they don't do a hands turn. They have recently started taking plates into the kitchen. So that's something <sigh>
God - it makes me seethe inside. I'm not confrontational but I would love to say something to her when she chunters on again. But I suppose I have to think about her relationship with DH and the DCs
Next time she moans about not seeing the GCs, I don't think I could stop myself from mentioning 'Oh yes and you did cancel the last time we arranged for you to see them'
But then I am not one for the moral high ground
It never ceases to amaze me the different ways people prioritise things
tril - I think that's part of the issue. The whole thing is just in fathomable to me as my family is so different
Ironically, we have millions of photos of MIL with the DCs as she is very good at making sure we take them. Hardly any of my mum as she's normally off making a cup of tea or loading the dishwasher! Am making sure we rectify that!
But, think of it as a lucky escape? You tried to come towards her with a compromise, which she declined. I would, in your place, from now on stop trying to do that (i.e. please her) and stop trying to care. It's her loss.
I think you're being very reasonable under the circumstances.
My MiL is the same.
Tells everyone within a 5 mile radius how wonderful a grandmother she is, how she'd love to see more of our girls, how horrible we are that we keep them away from her.
We moved away from "home" just over 10 years ago, she's visited once. We went back to visit family at Christmas for a couple of days - couldn't see us on any of the days we were there as she had to do her food shopping, needed to visit a garden centre, etc, etc.
We invite her here - she never comes (she's early 60s, with a husband who drives and neither have any mobility or financial concerns).
When we go back we try to see her - we have this whole convoluted list of hoops we have to jump through in order to come to a mutually agreeable time to visit.
She never phones, we've tried to set up a Skype session now and then but she doesn't want to (she doesn't like the way she looks on a webcam ), DH had a cancer scare late last year (all fine, thank god) and she didn't even call to find out how he was - she was "too worried and couldn't cope"
She is the complete opposite of my parents who phone to see how they are, write little cards, send the odd gift - just little things like a cheap bracelet that my Mum will see and think "the girls would like one of those"), Skype regularly, come to visit often, etc
Don't waste your breath, it's not worth getting worked up over. We've just stopped trying - her loss
stevie - it's definitely a lucky escape. I'm quite happy to stay at home
Ironically, DH's 4 little girl cousins will be at the meal and they were desperate to see DD and DS.
I really hope that DH will, politely and factually, explain why we're not there. Sadly I don't think he will <sigh>
I had a fab relationship with both of my maternal and paternal grandparents. I'm at a loss re this. How much should we be going out of our way to facilitate a relationship with the PILs, given that it will require a lot of running by us?
Oh dear you just described my mil. Things won't change or improve I'm afraid.
YANBU. I think this is shocking- sod you or the kids. I love how she got FIL to make to call to cancel- that's also something my MIL would do. Get FIL to do her dirty work. For what its worth my IL also said they wanted to see GK more so when pressed for any dates at all to suit them...they said they were too busy (neither work).
Its clear to me MIL is not bothered about having you or the kids there. (they will take the attention away from her) Dh she wants there for appearences only.
I'd like to know what your DH thoughts are on this?
I should point out that my IL said our 2 year old ruined my fil 60th. My ds was very well behaved but the problem was that everyone at the party bar four people had not met ds yet so he had the attention. IL's didn't like that as they were paying and its all about them.
I sympathise with the unhelpful grandparents but best to smile and nod.
The birthday issue is a bit different - maybe a lunch and evening party in one day is a little bit much for MIL and she wants to get ready for her big party on the day. I personally would prefer to send DH to the party and stay at home with the children. It's fair to say my DH wouldn't be thrilled though .
Maybe invite them to lunch at a venue that suits you to celebrate the 60th at another time. Your timing and venue to suit your circumstances.
YANBU, mil appearred in our house last night crying and moaning she hasn't seen DH for weeks. He said I was working but she just kept saying but you're my son .
I eventually threw her out because DD2, 12yo, was sitting on the sofa and MIL completely ignored her, didn't even say hello.
God she sounds just like mine except mine would never have agreed to the lunch but would totally have thrown her toys out of the pram about us not going to the evening.. The whole photos thing by a pp really strikes a chord with me.
Thank god my Mil lives 2000 miles away and I ignore it unless we are seeing her and we then muddle through!!
What a horrible baggage she sounds.
I'd expect my DP to read his mother the riot act if she said she 'wasn't bothered' about seeing her GCs. I'd be having words with him about why he hasn't picked her up on that. I'd certainly expect him to tell the truth to people about why you weren't there, and would be pissed off if he didn't.
Longer term, when/if in the future she suggests meeting up I'd avoid it a bit
I'd use the phrase 'I'm not bothered about seeing you' but I'm petty and vindictive
And ask them politely but firmly to pull their weight when they're at yours. 'MIL, please could you load the dishwasher for me?', 'FIL, your turn to make the tea', etc.
Having spent a day with my own mil yesterday, I don't what the answer is, I really don't. I think families need to be redefined. The title 'mother' in law and 'daughter' in law places an expectation on both parties who often have no relationship other than the fact they happen to be related to the bloke in the middle! I'd just let them get on with it if I were you, if he's happy to go alone and you're not bothered about going. Sounds like she might want her son to herself? I am going to get myself a really good hobby before I become a mil !!!!
Lucky escape IMO gobb - she sounds a bloody nightmare! Was she going out to lunch with you with messy hair then? Why not let your DH go at a reasonable time if possible and invite your lovely DM round for a "girly" evening once little ones are in bed. Will make you feel so much better if feasible.
How much should we be going out of our way to facilitate a relationship with the PILs, given that it will require a lot of running by us?
Not very, tbh. If there were reasons why they simply couldn't make half of the running, that would be different. They just dont actually want to.
So, you owe them nothing. Continue to invite them, and go there to visit when it seems appropriate, but don't spend time coming up with alternatives if they're being difficult. You know that you are not 'denying them' the chance to have a relationship with the GC, they are opting out of it and not prioritising it. Their loss.
Your situation is frighteningly similar to mine, a few years ago, even down to conflict over MIL's 60th.
I actually snapped a few months later, sick of biting my tongue, and t's her precisely what I thought big her and her passive aggressive nonsense, and informed her that they either made a proper effort to build a relationship with my children or withdrew and stopped bothering because I wasn't having them confused and fucked about any more.
She's alright now. Way away from perfect and still frequently drives me nuts, but I can deal with the nuts because she does bother for the kids now and they love her.
Do it. Release the pent up anger. You can blame it on post natal hormones!
Does your DH want to go on his own? :/
Delighted that neither you, or MIL, think it right for young children to attend the 60th birthday in the evening; our rare meal out last Saturday evening was ruined by a screaming baby in the restaurant, from 7.30 to after 11pm, attending exactly that. The baby was exhausted; mother's idea of soothing him was to let a party popper off in his face(he went rigid and had hysterics) and Grandma never went near him. Enjoy a peaceful evening with your children,oh, and stop making such a big issue out of it.
maras2 will you be my MIL please? You sound lovely!
Haha! 'Peaceful evening' with a 14mo and 4wo. Haha! Good one...
AW that's lovely Devil . We're lucky in that all of our lot love the craic . We are blessed with our SIL and DIL and of course the DGC's.
Ah, so your DC are trophy grandchildren, to be shown off in photos with MIL and bragged about to anyone who will listen to what a wonderful GM she is.
I think your DH should be frank and honest about why you aren't there with the DC when people ask. I think he will probably get there in time for some of the dinner as these events never run on time, but because of this it will finish late and be a long drive home late as well.
I would pull back from actively facilitating the PIL's visits and trying to fit in around their demands, unless it is a special occasion. Do ask them to do specific jobs to help when they are staying, or get DH to. And do take a lot of photos of the DC with your mum and send MIL copies! As you naturally see less of the PIL's photo opportunities with them will gradually decrease.
TBH, I think that your husband should be saying no to her.
That you have offered what works for you as a family in regard to her birthday, but she has said no.
It would also be the last time I suggest any form of compromise.
Just a simple yes or no from now on.
I'm in the same position and have decided to stop going out my way for people who can't be arsed to spend time with me or my kids. I was close with my grandparents, they took me on days out, walks, baking etc but my kids aren't going to have that with the pil. That's fine with me now as I can't make their relationships for them.
The fact that the don't lift a finger when they visit pisses me off though.
Could you not have stayed with them or close by to facilitate you going to the party? There's obviously other young children going to be there - how are their parents managing.
We've brought our kids to loads of evening things with no major incidents. It gets them used to staying up late occasionally.
It it were me I would have booked a hotel, gone to the meal and if DS fell asleep carried him to the car and bed.
I just don't get all this angst that goes on here about children staying up a bit late once in a while and a bit of a change in routine.
Every kid is different. We got a lot of "oh well so and so's kids are able to go/cope". My ds can't and if family can't understand that-tough their loss. It's OP call if its too much for her kids.
Particularly as my IL's never ever help and sit looking at you expectantly. I suspect OP's IL wouldn't lift a finger.
I don't see why OP should stay in a hotel given what she has told us. Why pay for a hotel and possibly end up leaving half way through a meal, No way would MIL be happy if OP's DH left with her to help with kids. OP would have to drive so DH ends up with a cab?
Stay at home OP.
My own mum is a bit like that Gobbo and it's only recently that i've lost the anger and resentment I felt towards her. Sometimes your expectations of how a grandparent should be doesn't always meet the reality but i've accepted that's just the way my mum is.
I live 200 miles away and when we go to visit my family I tell my mum we will be doing x,y,z if she wants to join in that's fine but if she'd rather go off shopping with friends or visiting friends even though she knows 2 months in advance when i'm visiting with the kids then I accept that's what she'd rather do. It is very difficult because I battled for years with feeling that by not wanting to spend time with her GC's that she was rejecting me but she is just selfish. She has always lacked the ability to consider other people. I do love her but I now just manage my own expectations of her
Exactly what I was thinking whiteblossom. A 14 mo and a 4 wko to keep quiet and get fed at the same time possibly as trying to eat your own meal, no help from IL's.
It would be stressful to say the least, as well as trying to express breastmilk under said stress.
Ironically, DH's 4 little girl cousins will be at the meal and they were desperate to see DD and DS. I really hope that DH will, politely and factually, explain why we're not there
but they were never going to be at the meal because you already said you didn't feel able to take them to an evening do - you offered to go for lunch on the same day as her birthday dinner. Nothing wrong with not wanting to take them to the evening do, but it's not down to MIL that they won't be there to see their cousins.
YANBU but she will never change. My mum has a tendency to be like this when she puts her mind to it. Lucky for me my MIL is like your mum!
Also I read your "husband and the spare room" thread the other day and really I want to say that I've been there with the whole exclusive expressing/latch problem thing and it's truly crappy and tiring and a total arse-ache. All of the PITAs of both bottle and breastfeeding and none of the joys and conveniences. And the tedium of it is so draining that there is very little energy left for dealing with and/or ignoring annoying MILs and partners. For me it was a good few years ago now but I completely feel your pain so massive, massive congratulations to you and a huge amounts of and (eventually)
Sorry - should have been clearer re the cousins. They are all 10+ so hence old enough to attend the evening meal and considerably older than our DC so can't be benchmarked against them in terms of the reasonableness of staying up late
If the lunch had still been on, they would have seen our DC as the plan was that we met up with them pre or post the lunch for half an hour ir so specifically so they could see our DC before we went home.
They will travel up from London to attend so would have been about the whole day.
wips - can't stay with the PILs as no room. Rightly or wrongly, both DH and I feel it's not fair on DS to stay up that late. We're not routune led and he has basically set his own course. However, he's jaust too alert now and would be too excited to sleep in his pram. He also is a child who loves his sleep. We're very lucky in that he sleeps through and has for ages. But he starts having a meltdown if he's not in his bed by 7:30. So he would cry through out the meal - which really wouldn't be good for anyone
After spelling to DH, apparently MIL has not actually extended an invitation to me or the DCs. She just wants DH there. In a h event, neither of us are minded to make the effort of travelling and getting hotel too s etc when our invitation for lunch has been turned down in favour of a hair appointment. In any event, The last thing we would want to do is enforce our presence on MiL
sweet - thank you! Annoyingly, our enforced separation has been working quite well and I have been getting a fair amount of sleep as DH feeding til 12 during the week and then just done this weekend's nights.
Am quite glad I wont have to be out in a restaurant car park expressing in the car though!
yep lucky escape. smile and tell dh to enjoy and stay the night.
my mil was bloody ace so I was lucky.
also have to add in fairness it's quite normal for her to want her hair done on her big birthday and not to want to eat 2 big meals in one day.
out to lunch and dinner would make me feel sick.
however she should have said all this upfront. hope she has a good meal and your dh enjoys it and you can keep cozy and snug with dcs at home.
best outcome really.
I can't believe some of these replies.
I don't think it's unreasonable at all for her to want to get her hair done before her special party.
It isn't her saying she doesn't want you and the dc there, it is you saying that it's too late for them!!
Well, good for you that you're getting some sleep anyway.
Have to say I was impressed by the in-car charger for expressing even if you won't be using it this time! I am very familiar with in-car expressing but I could never get on with using an electric pump, only the hand one. I kept myself well covered but I can only imagine how weird I must have looked to passers-by. My pump also developed a very annoying squeak over time which added nicely to the general ambience of expressing whilst on holiday, at a social event, in a public loo, in fact, every-bloody-where.
Some more of these and these anyway cos I swear no-one realises how soul destroying it can be unless they've been through it. You can be sure you MIL won't.
I must be missing something. If I was having a dinner for my birthday I would want to look nice, quite possibly having my hair done and I would not want to eat a big lunch as well. Obviously I would be disappointed if some family couldn't make it but I don't think it is unreasonable for the day to revolve around the person having a big birthday.
If you're going out for lunch, you don't have to eat so much that you can't manage dinner!
And perhaps she could have thought about having her hair done in the morning so that she could have seen all of her GC on her bday!
diddl a woman is entitled to a life after GC, based on this particular complaint the OP is BVU. She doesn't have to go to an evening do if she doesn't want to but it's totally unfair to call the MIL out over it. The lunch alternative wouldn't work for me but I'd have said so straight out and offered to come up and take them out for lunch another time.
I'm not saying she can't have a life, just that there could be a compromise if wanted.
Am I missing something here?
All I can see is a woman planning her 60th birthday who isn't defined by her role as a grandmother.
I see her wanting everyone together with her as the star attraction - as well she should, it's her 60th!
So, she's having her hair done midday (not early morning, so it falls flat after lunch with family), then she's hoping everyone will come and have a knees up in the evening. And that she'll look fabulous.
Ok, her reticence to visit the OP needs addressing, but I reckon her 60th birthday isn't the platform for this.
Sorry OP, to me (flameproof hardhat on), you sound like you think your DC are the most important people in this equation, i.e. the 60th birthday. Therefore, I say, YABU.
I think the point is, that the grandmother is making a huge fuss about wanting to see more of her grandchildren and then makes no actual effort to see them and then turning down opportunities to see them when they arise
My MiL is like this, will tell all and sundry how much she misses her GCs and how she'd love to see more of them, and then when we do travel 200+ miles to see family for a few days, she prioritises stuff like visiting a garden centre.
Aargh, posted too soon.
It is entirely MiL's prerogative if she wants to visit a garden centre, or in this case, have her hair done, but give over with the grandmother of the year stuff and stop hassling me about seeing more of the kids
If she absolutely had to get her hair done that afternoon then fair enough , but perhaps she could have said so and then suggested another day for the OP's family to visit for the birthday lunch?
You've made the effort to take the children to see her for her special birthday, and actually she doesn't want any of you there. I wouldn't be going out of my way to make future arrangements.
As I said at the beginning of the thread i totally respect MIl's right to chose WHATEVER she wants to to do on her brithday
However, what I do not want to hear in the future is that she has been "prevented" from seeing her grandchildren. We offered lunch. If that had been a problem, we would have been happy to pop in for a cup of tea. The point is that we were willing to try and do what we could to see MIL on the day whilst fitting in around her. However, we've been relegated below a hair appointment. Which, for someone who apparently wa to to see more of her grandchildren, is puzzling and a bit hurtful for DH.
I find it interesting wink that you say that you see MIl wanting everyone together. I think you just share the same school of thought as MIL which is that her son and daughter are her family. Me and her grandchildren most definitely are not. Therefore, we're not included in the everyone bracket - this has made that quite clear
Further info tonight is that the rest of the family are staying at the small hotel where the meal is. However, they've booked all the rooms out and there is no room for DH
Presumably, MIL knew for quite a while that she wanted to get her hair done - before she accepted and cancelled our lunch invitation. So it would have been polite and kind to at least do that in advance so that DH could have got a room.
Instead, as the place is in the middle of nowhere, he will need to drive back home.
I'm actually sickened by her
Ok, Gobbolino so why not either go with your DC and DH, or if (understandably), you can't, view is as one of those parties that you will just have to miss.
Imagine if it was your 30th/40th, for example and you were having a lunchtime party, not an evening party, so your DC could be there, you'd have to presume some other guests might not be able to make it for whatever reason (working/travel/ CBA etc)
I know you say your MIL is lax when it comes to visiting you, but, I say again, her 60th is a big event, this is not the time to make the point that her GC are the main event. Better to draw attention to it with the regular, day to day GM stuff.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I know it must rankle.
wink - have you read my previous posts? DC and I are not invited to the evening do. Therefore, it would be very rude if we turned up
I don't understand the point that you are making in your second paragraph
The whole evening do etc is irrelevant. I have no problem, as I have said through out the thread, with whatbMIL has organised. Although I am pretty sickened with them not bothering about accomodation for DH
My point is that I do not want to hear another word from MIL about her being prevented from seeing her grandchildren when she prioritises a hair apoointment above seeing them.
I see so many threads that seem to unfairly criticise MILs that i was poised for a YAbu tbh.
And I think it's mean of her to exclude her SIL and GCs from her birthday do. But phew!
Does that baby have a tongue tie?
Sorry, I must have missed the fact you were blatantly uninvited. Apologies for this. How did she tell you? (keep missing pages)
I still think a 60th party, with someone who loves the limelight, is not the time to try and make MIL see sense.
Send her a hairbrush and a can of Ellnett for her birthday.
My in-laws are the same. Like to come and look at the grandkids, but not proactive and basically stand there with 2 arms the one length.
Your OP reminded me of a painful memory:
For a milestone bday of a member of DH's family (being vague here) we all went to one of the fanciest restaurants in our country. It's a small country, and this is a fancy fancy place.
DS (my PFB and their PFB grandchild) was 6 weeks old and fully breastfed. In-laws didn't want me to feed in public so made me sit in the corridor outside the dining area. Like a fucking stupid fool I did it - sat for ages feeding, crying, and missed my main course. Finally he finished and I sat eating my dinner while they were on their dessert and coffee. Really wished I'd have told them to piss off when they told me to leave. What was the point in even inviting us!!!??? Urgh!
>sorry for hijack, will go off an seethe elsewhere<
wink re the Elnett. DH was told on the phone when our lunch date was cancelled! To be fair, I think it's just the DCs whose are not
fucking invited but obviously I have to look after them. Apparently FIL had suggested I sat in the hotel room with them. But now we can't get a hotel room anyway.
amanda - I'm coming back to my other thread to update! Yes, I think she does. I can't remember who posted but I think the issue is that she can't lift her tongue up
I'm seeing the midwife tomorrow so asking for a referral
sweet - it is quite horrid. If we went, I was wondering if I coukd use the disabled loo but the pump isn't very good battery operated. So it had to be in car charger and tits out in the car park. I'm sadly excited as just ordered myself two new bottle recepticle things.
Gobbo I remember having to BF in car at service/petrol stations, SOOOO miserable. My IL's too suggested I could sit in a hotel room with ds...why bother going!! DH offered to tag team it but why would I would to spend time with them?! dh totally understood.
Oh my lord don't get me started on my IL's!!
How nice that they made sure travelling dh had a room....er yeah maybe not.
Is dh going?
You have every sympathy but I bet she does tell everyone that she missed having the gcs with her without detailing why. My stbxMIL (hurrah) had ds to stay for a week and after the arrangements had been made booked to go away for a couple of days for a concert. She then gaily left ds with FIL whilst she buggered off. Then complains to me and anyone who will listen that she didn't get to spend enough time with ds . If anyone has the audacity to query why she went to the concert she either ignores the question or claims that she is entitled to "me time".
Her choice entirely but really off to suggest that the situation is not of her making and not to correct anyone who assumes otherwise.
Stop trying to please everyone. She is a pia so I would just send lots of photos of DCs by email and make comments such as 'won't it be lovely when DCs are older and we can pop up to see you more often' etc etc .
Then when it is all easier you can see if you feel the need to visit then.
I think you are worried your DCs will be left out of the 'beloved Grandchildren image' she puts out but personally I would stick with your own parents and fit in with DMIL as and when in the future, she is all talk and not worth the worry.
Apparently DCs and I are to make a video to be played at the event - along with others - paying homage to MIL
Would it be very bad if we all sat there with rollers in?!
I have said to DH that I will do it to prow as feel too cross tonight and my smiling looks like fang bearing
Any idea of what I should say? Obviously, I have plenty of things I would like to say!
Aaarrgghh - just reading the thread and all these hideous PILs!
Has anyone actually ever told their MIL exactly what they think of them? <jealous>. In a way I'd love to. But then I think that MIL plays herself so offside that actually I can just leave her to it. I do feel sorry for DH thiugh
Why can't your mother babysit & you both go?
Please tell me you are not seriously going to make a video for the event??
I would remind dh to tell MIL that you are far too exhausted and busy with a newborn that can't latch to bf to even contemplate thinking about it.
I think what upsets me the most is that when she cancelled lunch on the big day itself why on earth didn't she suggest the following day - the other family would have been around - you could have all gone for brunch or something!!!
I'm sorry but at the video homage! Is she arranging it herself?!
You have a serious opportunity there, you know? Come on, we can definitely think of something heartfelt
but completely fucking sarcastic for you to say to your MIL.
The meal sounds a bit painful TBH what with the video. In your place I'd stay home OP. I wouldn't want to make that journey with a new baby.
Op, be very glad that your MIL has not booked a trip to Dubai for her 60th for you,DH and child. The only person she really wants on that trip being her son but can not say. A week before the said trip she brings her home made bread to give to your DC because you feeding him bread from the shop is bad parenting[she does not work so has time to bake bread and do other meaningless . You give your child some porridge, she is only little and you are just starting to wean her, you suggest that MIL sets the bread aside for later. She then attacks you and tells you you are manipulative, you made a pass at your DH's twin brother. She says a lot before your DH tells her to leave.
As a parting short she tells you you are no longer going to Dubai because it is her birthday and she only wants to celebrate it with the people she loves. Family, meaning DH,DBIL and DGC. She later slyly asked DH if DD could come with and DH's real response was not in this lifetime. I had to force him to go.
I feel for you OP but wrt to her seeing the GC, let her do the running. The more you will try to organise meetings, the more you will be pissed off when she does not show up. Leave it up to her and if she wants to see them it has to be her doing the organising. As for your DH, he can sleep on the couch for one night and he he wants to drive back home so be it. It will be a once off. I would be very glad to stay at home with the kids while DH is with his mum[and i do only dh takes dd to visit his mum and we are all happy with the arrangement].
If however she moans again about not seeing the kids then you need to have a word. I did and ended up missing a trip to Dubai but it was worth it. She does not bother me anymore but she demanded that we paid back the money she had boooked for me and i was not happy about that.
Sorrry for thread hijack..
Gobbolino, let it go. You are working yourself into a lather over something comparatively trivial, what your mother in law might say,and trying to make a big family issue out of it. You can have a lovely family party when your baby is christened; you and your children will be the centre of attention and you can be gracious to mother in law, and assume the moral high ground. Far more satisfying.
My parents can't baby sit as they are tied up that weekend plus live 200 miles away so can't just quickly pop round
Also I don't want to leave my 4 week old over night.
We were summoned to FIL 65th. We flew 400 miles with baby and 3 year old. Then told we were going for Michelin starred dinner to which children were not invited. Then told that we plus SIL were paying.
Flights plus meal cost us £600 that we couldn't afford & our children were not even welcome.
Cannot see why they didn't just arrange lunch out that children could come too. Is still annoying me 4 years on!
blessed. - we already had to go on a cruise for their 30th wedding anniversary. MIL wanted to go in April so we basically had to have our summer holiday in April.
We got no choice as to where we went/cost or timing - even though we had to pay. It cost £4k for both of us to accompany them plus around another 1k in drinks etc as obviously PILs felt it wasn't appropriate for them to pay for anything as it was a two week celebration of their luuuurrvve.
wand - I suspect DH has been summoned as he's expected to foot half the bill for the do with SIL.
This is as well as stumping up £250 so far for half the birthday present
scrambled - so far I've got "sorry we can't be with you on your special day MIL but I'm sure your hair looks fabulous!"
I need to be the bigger person here though for DH
If my DH had a brother I would expect them to be related! I could share more stories but it just makes me cross. Luckily after they ruined our summer holiday we are no longer ever holidaying with them again!
Why the fuck would you agree to make video to be shown at her dinner when you arn't invited to. WHat planet are they on.
If you must could you get in a many digs as possible about not being invited and MIL having her done.
My poor parents even have a segment! They've done their recording - although they had to have eleventy billion takes as they kept laughing
at the preposterous of it all
There comes a point where being the bigger person is over-rated and it is time to point out the fucking obvious.
For me that point would have come when asked to pay a £1k bar bill
The more you pretend there isn't a problem, the more you have to spend time with these wankers. I'd not bother with the video.
Your parents had to do a segment?
Well. That takes the whole fucking biscuit aisle.
My DH would have refused to go to a family event - including his mum's birthday party - if the kids & / or I had been actively excluded.
It would be different if it was just difficult or inconvenient for us all to go; but if he'd been the only one even to get an invitation, he'd have said no.
I can understand your MIL wanting to get her hair done on the party day, & not necessarily wanting to go out for lunch as well. I'd have suggested another day for lunch, I think.
But as for the evening do - her choice, completely, just in the same way that it's someone's choice to exclude children from a wedding, or whatever. I respect that. But if people don't take anyone else's circumstances into account when planning their special events - even those of close family - then the flip side is they shouldn't be offended if people decide not to attend.
I think you're being very tolerant, actually, in not minding that your DH is going. And the whole thing must be particularly irritating given the comments from your MIL about not seeing enough of her GC.
I think I'd leave it to your DH, in future, to arrange visits / contact between his parents & your family. If something doesn't suit her, she can complain to him. And I'd be telling her very firmly that I wouldn't be doing a video - no excuses, no reasons, just "no, I won't be able to do that".
They're awful. Grabby, selfish bastards.
Fgs, does why does your DH let his parents treat him like a piggy-bank? They'll be turning him upside down and shoving a ruler in his arse trying to get loose change out next.
Bloody hell, OP, just read the updates about the cruise. They're taking the piss. Time for some drawing of boundaries. Hope your DH is ready to deal with this, because they sound like the sort of people who, given an inch, take a mile.
"Hi MIL! Happy birthday! We're really sorry you didn't have time to see us in <town> today, the kids missed you at lunch, have a great party!"
All said in a very upbeat tone with a big smile.
Passive aggressive yet polite, non?
Unfortunately, the PILs have no friends. Honestly - this is true. Bar MIL having one female friend.
So, ironically, family is allegedly everything to them.
That means people like my parents get roped into doing things like this or else there would be no one on the bloody video!
Hmm, can't imagine why they have a friends shortage...
When I read threads like this I am actually very relieved I am estranged from my parents...
Well, of course they have no friends.
I have a vision of your MIL being Dame Edna and her lone friend being Madge.
Well the video is a big suuurrrpppprrriiisseeeeee for MIL. I think SIL is arranging it. I'd love to say I'm not doing it but then I think that would cause problems for DH. Therefore I need to take tit's
if I may call you that! advice and go for some passive aggressive schtick!
DH is a real not rock the boat type with them. We had another 'mare with them late last year. I posted on relationships re that and got some good advice to the effect that their behaviour is basically "normal" to DH. Although, I think he does see what a pair of knobbers they are.
lucky break op! You can be tucked up in bed. Don't chase them jist ignroe emails with barely more than hmm yes, that's nice. You don't need to waste your time
I have a vision of your MIL being Dame Edna and her lone friend being Madge. <weeps>
I think DH is in MIL's bad books though as she posted on Facebook about her beeeeeyoooooootttiffuuuul grandchildren but got DD's age wrong. Which DH felt compelled to correct in the post below!
What's the worst that could happen if you are in their bad books - you don't have to spend your holidays with them?
That's not bad, that's a result.
One year MIL sent a birthday card to DD2 with the wrong age on it. DH told her when he phoned her that she had it wrong, and she said, "Are you sure?"
Umm, yes, MIL, we do know the ages of our DC, having been there at the births, and having lived with them since, and all!
What do you mean when you say they don't want you and your DC there?
You wrote in your OP
'*we felt that wouldn't be possible fir us*'
pixie - after the PIL cancelled lunch they then insisted the dh come to the evening meal after which it transpired the op and dc weren't part of that invitation...
We felt it wouldn't be possible for us all to attend the evening meal, when suggested. So we offered lunch. That invitation was accepted
MIL has now withdrawn her acceptance if the lunch invite so she can get her hair done. She's asked for DH specifically to attend the evening meal but basically made it clear that DC are NFI. Which is not an issue as we wouldn't have taken them for the myriad boring reasons previously stated about expressing and bedtimes etc. I'm staying at home to look after DCs. However, it's clear from speaking to DH that the "re-invitation" to the evening do wasn't actually extended to me either
does DH really want to go?
what would happen if he got sick and couldn't make it to the dinner in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to stay?
TBH, I don't know why you are pandering to them at all.
Your husband shouldn't be going alone imo.
And as for even contemplating the video...
I'm genuinely shocked at some of the IL shit some ppl have to deal with.
I am also very grateful for my DH who
can be startlingly blunt/rude never puts up with crap from anyone apart form me
I feel for you Gobbolino
I didn't see your other thread. How did it go with the midwife?
Well quite Diddl I know my dh would have just declined an evening invite even if we were all invited, if it didn't suit us -him-
But that doesn't help the op I guess.
Would dh stay away?
A video to be played at the event...oh the temptation .
It would be tempting to arrange it so that it is just blank screen, voices in the background every now and then, just basically like an attempt at videoing that didn't work. 'Whose idea was this anyway, mutter mutter'...fades onto white screen, then dead silence.
Ok, I know you can't but it'd tempting!
Enjoy your nice peaceful weekend. Sounds like DH will be stuck with paying the bills again, for them, unfortunately.
I'm going to be a crap MIL. I will not be organised enough to give my grandchildren the attention their mother craves. I will cancel things at the last minute because I am double booked. I will forget my grandchildren's names, dates of birth and ages (I'm fairly hazy on my own children's ages). I will probably prefer my own child to their spouse and want them at big birthdays when there will be nostalgia that only they can indulge in. I might well pretend I want to see my grandchildren in order to be a bit conventional but I suspect I may well not mean it. I will at 60, which seems pretty mid-life to me, have a life of my own and want to make my own choices, and I won't want to live to please others. I may also wear a purple hat when I am old and not give a crap about that either.
This is the MIL's big night. At my 50th I did not invite my own children because that is what I wanted. The birthday girl gets to choose. If she was demanding to visit every week to see he grandchildren that would probably not be popular either. The best way to be happy in life is to get on with your own life and accept that everyone will not do exactly what you want.
Chemenger, will you also insist on your children paying thousands of pounds for your holidays, drinks bills, and meals to which you have summoned your children while their families are banned ?
Chemenger - that is totally fine.
However, be honest about your intentions and dont constantly moan (behind your children's and their partners' backs) that you don't get to see your grandchildren enough - own your behaviour.
Also, understand that maybe your children will like their partners - so excluding them is actually quite hurtful. If you're fine with that - then again, go with that.
For the avoidance of doubt (and for the 10th time) - I have no problem with whatever mil does for her birthday. I don't actually care.
What I do have a problem with is her treating my DH crappily and being a great big hypocrite. Believe me - nothing would make me happier that MIL being honest about the fact she just wants a few posed photos with the DCs a few times a year. I'd happily facilitate that.
What really grated my carrot is knowing that behind our backs she is saying to people that she doesn't get to see the DCs enough
Oh - and if you can't be bothered to remember other people's birthdays, cheminger - don't expect people to be making a big effort for you. You can't have it both ways.
OP you sound predisposed to hate your MIL
she invited you all, you refused
you offered lunch on the same day as her party, I think that was challenging of you
She accepted but then decided, on balance, to stick to her own plans rather than dance to your tune
you describe this as 'prioritising a hairdo over her GC' - somewhat over dramatic, and blatantly unreasonable
She didn't then nag you again about going, you had already explained why you didn't want to - you describe this as 'excluding' you
On the evidence of this particular scenario, you are out of order. If this is how you react, maybe she's not the difficult one. She has managed to bring up a fine young man who you are proud to call your husband, so maybe at least give her a bit of goodwill for that; we all have our foibles and we mother's of sons sometimes have a bit to put up with too.
Own your behaviour; you were invited to your mother in law's party but declined for perfectly valid reasons; she declined your invitation also for perfectly valid reasons; you asked for advice to 'put this into perspective' but instead seem to be gathering support for an increasingly malicious witch hunt. Does it occur to you that you are revealing yourself to be exactly as you portray your mother in law: selfish and self-centred? What would her perception be of you? You are blessed with a happy marriage, healthy children and devoted parents; does your mother in law's perceived behaviour really matter that much?
Gosh Chemenger, everyone has the perfect right to be horrible to their family. The rest of us don't have to like it though.
And another one, I wouldn't respond OP. You made your position crystal clear to the rest of us
OP, you could do a video, but just gather the DC and DH around you and start by saying Happy Birthday MIL, then move smartly on to filming the DC, making a big thing of introducing the new baby for those who haven't met him yet, and make it all about them.
Frankly, anyone who doesn't prioritise booking accommodation for their son and his family doesn't deserve their attendance. And I hope DH doesn't pay towards the party either. I'd be backing right away from the PIL after this.
For the last time - I couldn't care less about MIL's party. What I am very upset about is treating my DH like shit
common theme re the accommodation.
I am cross about MIL's self avowed wish to see more of her grandchildren
including on her fucking birthday but then prioritising her hair appointment. MIL made a big fuss about not seeing them. Hence we offered to go up for lunch/a glass of tap water/a cup of tea. Whatever she wanted. She wanted lunch. Fine.
Then she wanted a hair appointment. Fine. Have a hair appointment. But just say at the time the lunch was offered, sorry, I want to get my hair done. Then DH can actually get accommodation at the middle of no where 5 bed venue for the evening do he is then basically ordered to attend. On his own. Stop dicking us about as per usual. MIL and FIL can't even commit to a time to arrive when they visit us - it's just indicative to me of their total inability to consider anyone else bar themselves.
As Dzh said last night, there's no point speaking to MIL about this. She doesn't get it. Her brain isn't wired to actually consider other people - it's been a common theme through his life.
What will make him feel a bit better is, on reading this thread, there are a few other people like that. So it's not just something he is doing thats making her act like this to him Thankfully they seem to be the exception rather than the rule.
And I would say the way he has turned out is very much despite the PILs rather than because of them
girly - that's actually a very good idea re the video.
We will be the bigger people and do it, of course.
I'm not really understanding the angst. Mumsnet seems full of people whinging about their pils for being normal, non perfect people and being validated by others. It's fairly unpleasant.
Op, you seem to be in the unfortunate position if living far away from family (cple hours drive?) making things like this a hassle.
You were all invited, you said no, your mil probably accepted lunch to be nice and then realised it would be too much, so got fil to ring you. Why take offence now? It's just a matter of distance it doesn't need to be a big 'thing.'
She'll certainly never get it whilst everyone kowtows & goes out of their way to accommodate her!
Have you not read the thread Nerfmother? Your summary is wholly inaccurate in that it misses out a massive chunk of information re the MIL's form for telling other people that her grandchildren are kept away from her when making no effort to see them herself and turning down opportunities.
TO me MN seems full of people who can't read. I agree with the poster who suggested literary comprehension lessons
Ohhh my MIL was the same! (We are NC now.)
She was adament she doesnt get to see DD enough. Once a week isnt good enough. She loves her so much..we used to get guilt tripping texts about how she doesnt get to see them often..
Yet you ask her to actually COME and see them.."i cant, im having my hair done/im tierd/ i have backache..." it goes on.
she's early 40s
We have canceled Plans for her, invited her to lunch, DH has refused overtime..she canceled all the time.
I dont understand people like her.
amanda -seeing the midwife today or tomorrow so will report back. Am asking for a referral to the TT clinic
I say "them" as DD2 was due/born/newborn when we cut contact.
And I would say the way he has turned out is very much despite the PILs rather than because of them
well you would wouldn't you.
Humphrey Your summary is wholly inaccurate in that it misses out a massive chunk of information
information from the perspective of the OP who has already shown by her complete over reaction to the specific scenario described here that she may be just a tiny bit biased against her MIL.
ALL the information is from the perspective of the op. Unless you are the mil???
Humphrey. I won't bore you with replying in detail to your assertion that I can't read.
I just don't feel that the op is coming across as keen to offer opportunities - lunch on the day her mil has planned a special evening out seems a bit Hobson's choice tbh.
but she doesn't ever seem to bother - I think one should take that information into account.
nerf - as I said up the thread in later posts, lunch was what mil asked for because she wanted to see the DCs on the day. My original post was unclear in that - sorry. MIL was complaining that she wouldn't see the DCs on the day. So, DH offered to take her out for lunch on that day. Or a cup of tea or just a visit or a drink. Or we could go in another day. Or they could come to us on another day. Whatever MIL wanted. MIL wanted us to travel to her for lunch on the day. So we arranged to do that.
Now she doesn't due to the hair appointment. And her late cancellation means that all to rooms at the 5 bed hotel in the middle of no where are booked up. So DH will need to go to the meal, not drink and drive home.
I can see why you are frustrated - do you think mil suggested lunch then realised it wasn't doable? I can get wanting your hair done.
When we had small ones we decided to do monthly trips to Pil who lived hours away. Sunday pm, meant we could plan the rest of the month and still see them. Would that work? Could you pick a day and stick to it?
And the driving is a 200 mile round trip.
The alternative is to drive to the venue, have the meal, then drive to the next nearest hotel, 25 miles away, stay the night there and then drive back home the next day.
If he wants to drink, then he'll need to take taxis between the venues to pick up the car
nerf - that is a good idea.
However, I'm starting to get a strong feeling from DH that he actually doesn't want to commit to specific times to see them
Instead, I think he's just going to leave it up to them to suggest visits. On balance, although they create a lot of work here, it is easier to host them as we have more room and don't have to pack everything up.
So, I think we'll not prevent them from seeing the DCs but not go out of our way to make arrangements.
Oh - and if you can't be bothered to remember other people's birthdays, cheminger - don't expect people to be making a big effort for you. You can't have it both ways.
For the avoidance of doubt I don't care at all if people pay any attention to my birthday, I don't expect them to make a big effort for me. In fact it is my birthday today and I have had no cards or presents because I am at work and everyone else was in bed when I left. I did have a big party for my 50th which was great but I don't hold any grudge against anyone for not being able to come or anything else that might have been less than perfect in their behaviour. I do put a lot of effort into buying thoughtful presents and cards for others, but they may not arrive on the actual day, shoot me.
I was brought up by a parent who looked for offence in everything and bore grudges for years and years and years. I don't live that way, if things are nice I enjoy them, if they aren't I forget them. It makes me a very difficult person to insult.
Gobbolino, all I would add (because that seems reasonable) is that if you don't like/get on with pil but there's nothing abusive going on, try not to let the dcs know.
My dm and dgm had good reason to dislike each other and as kids we sort of inherited that. When I went to uni though I met up with her and we had stuff in common but not a closeness and I really regret that - she died when I was about 26.
I'm really keen for stuff to be left where it is, generation wise..
Nerfmother, i think from gobbolino's posts she's being more than fair to the pils. Always happy to facilitate them getting their photo opportunities with the DGCs. Puts hand in pocket when
ordered to requested. Very flexible and understanding re:MILs birthday plans. She knows what they are like and accepts them as they are.
The only thing that she's actually annoyed about is the PA 'oh I NEVER get to see my DGCs, oh woe is me, they are being kept from me' when it is factually incorrect. Gobbolino has done what she could to have MIL see them on her birthday. MIL has chosen not to see them. So the doting-but-deprived grandmother act is, very sadly, just an act.
That's not really what I said ...
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