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To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

(272 Posts)
HavingTwinsThisYear Mon 10-Feb-14 12:27:32

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

QueenBoudicea Mon 10-Feb-14 12:29:20

Yanbu

Swanbridge Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:12

YADNBU.

Bloody hell he's got a nerve. How have you not removed his testicles from the rest of his body when he told you "all his female friends" think it's fine for him to go? Presumably they've all offered to babysit for you? I think not

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:24

Bit sceptical about his female friends saying it's OK. Have any of them offered to pitch in and help you?

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:34

Wow, let me be the first to say you are absolutely not unreasonable. But I think this is the least of your problems, sadly.

Sirzy Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:42

he gets the break for the wedding, to expect to attend a stag night which is more than a night out is dft. YANBU

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:57

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

He is BU for this alone. How dare he try to railroad you like this by tring the emotional blackmail of "other women think it's ok". It is fuck-all to do with anyone else...this is between you and him.

personally, I think you have been shafted right from the beginning. he knew this would happen and it seems you have had no say in the matter at all.

That would not sit well with me

GingerMaman Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:01

YADNBU. You will need him at home. No negotiation.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:08

*trying

SoonToBeSix Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:10

No yanbu I am also pregnant with twins and it wouldn't cross my dh mind to be so selfish.

mummymeister Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:18

you already know the answer to this. of course you are not being unreasonable. there are so many what ifs with new borns that really you have no idea how you/both of you will cope until they arrive. he is going to go. he has made that clear. you either put your foot down, say no and decide what sort of deal breaker it is or you just get on and cope with it. do you have friends that could come over, family etc so you aren't alone. is the working away a forever thing or could he get a job closer to home. I take my hat off to anyone who is coping with 4 under 5 as you will be .

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:27

How about suggesting a whip-round from of the stags to buy you a nanny for a few hours?

In advance, I'd be contacting your local Sure Start team just in case you get stuck.

Mordirig Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:45

I am really very angry on your behalf.
I can't even think of anything else to say tbh.
If you live near me I would help you out for that week, because he is probably definatly going to still go.

Yanbu at all! He is though - do any of his female friends have 2 older children and baby twins? If not how can they comment!

Morgause Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:39

YANBU to not want him to go but YWBU if you told him he couldn't go. He's best man so he has to be there on the stag weekend or resign as best man. Hopefully his friend will only get married once.

Maybe you could ask him to take some leave to be with you for a couple of days when he gets back.

YouCanTakeAHorseToWater Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:41

No of course you aren't being unreasonable.

He, on the other hand, is being a total twat.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:41

He seems to think his life doesn't need to change at all and can't even blame ignorance as this is dc3 and 4. What a twat. YADNBU.

Tailtwister Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:47

YANBU. He needs to reorganise his commitments to give you more support. It's very unfair to expect you to manage on your own, especially for a stag do.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:34:30

What happened with the first best man?

scubastevie Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:06

OMG you are NOT being unreasonable!! And what a cheek to ask his female friends in order to use it in discussion with you. Do these friends have children? Or have offered to help you?
Just hope you can get some support as sounds like he has made up his mind.

YANBU. He needs to grow up and see that he has commitments at home now and can't just expect you to do it all, not with 4 DCs including new twins.

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:31

Yanbu at all, your dh sounds utterly disrespectful. He should have some idea how hard twins will be if you already have two kids for goodness sake!

Could you hire a night nanny or mothers helper for daytime for six weeks after the twins are born? I know it will be expensive but I presume a stag weekend and wedding will be too.

I have no idea what to do about your husband, other than going out and leaving him with all four kids at some point so he has to remove his head from his arise and act like a decent human being. I am so angry on your behalf, he sounds so inconsiderate.

helenthemadex Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:46

YANBU he is being a selfish arse

YouCanTakeAHorseToWater Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:52

Since when do best men HAVE to go on the stag do??? Everything is optional here, I can't believe he would seriously leave his wife with 4 kids including newborn twins to go on the pass....

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:36:29

From his arise, not his arise, obviously blush

Squirrelsmum Mon 10-Feb-14 12:36:30

YANBU, I don't get the whole trip away for a stag. I've only ever experienced guys going on stag nights, a group of guys go out and get on the piss, groom to be wakes up next morning in unforseen circumstances. I'd be mighty pissed off if DH thought going away partying with newborn twins in the house was a good idea.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 10-Feb-14 12:37:18

YANBU in the least.

Has he ever looked after your 2 dc for any time by himself? Can he imagine doing that with 2 newborns as well just a few weeks after giving birth? Obviously not!

Sorry OP but he sounds extremely selfish and inconsiderate. Going to the wedding is one thing (not sure he'd be going if it was us in your situation) but expecting to go on the stag too is beyond. If he didn't work away, that might be slightly different but he does and that needs to be considered too.

McRoo Mon 10-Feb-14 12:37:26

YADNBU

TheScience Mon 10-Feb-14 12:37:47

You are soooo far from being unreasonable! I hope your DH has some really, really redeeming features.

The idea of leaving someone to cope on their own with 4 young children including newborn twins, for 8 or 9 days, to go on a bloody stag weekend, is just incomprehensible to me.

If he insists on going, I would find a temporary nanny/maternity nurse to work 24/6 while he's away - you'd probably be looking at about £1200. Would he be prepared to pay that while he's away?

whatever5 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:39:26

YADNBU. Do any of the so called female friends apparently who think it is okay have young children themselves and do they realise that you are having twins? Somehow I doubt it.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:39:29

Are you likely to need a c-section, OP?

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 12:41:46

I don't actually believe all his female friends have said it is ok. I think he is lying. No female i know would say this, apart from a couple of inveterate manpleasers, I suppose.

Hubb Mon 10-Feb-14 12:42:08

I told my DH I didn't want him to go out for one evening recently as im struggling to cope with our one baby who is two months old, so I am fuming on your behalf.

He is being extremely unfair and im really sorry for you. You and the kids should be the priority! And what a load of shit about his female friends saying its ok..who gives a fuck what they say and I don't believe it anyway!

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:43:09

I know, AF. Apart from the fact that there'll be two newborns on the scene, OP may well have had a section and not be OK to drive by four weeks after delivery.

pianodoodle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:43:34

I'm afraid I'd erupt it if DH did something like this.

And is he definitely best man? Or is he saying that in order to claim he has to go to the stag do?

I'm not joking - in this situation I'd be saying "go but don't bother coming back again. Bugger off and marry one of your other female friends since they'd be so fucking cool about it all"

Maybe not exactly that... but I'd be furious angry

givemeaclue Mon 10-Feb-14 12:44:28

No bloody way in a million years. I have twins, they weren't even out of hospital till they were more than a month old. Not even for one day let alone 8.

HaPPy8 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:45:00

Stag day/evening - that would be ok i think. WHole weekend away? Not so much. YANBU.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 12:45:17

YANBU at all!

Does he do much with the kids at all? Or is everything your job? I can't believe he thinks its acceptable to leave you in that position. I would tell him he is not going, end of.

Nanny0gg England Mon 10-Feb-14 12:46:38

My DH wouldn't have wanted to do this.
My DS wouldn't want to do this.
I don't understand any new father wanting to do this.

TBH, OP, if you manage to manage without him (because I can't see you talking him out of it) I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

But, for the moment, ask him what help he plans to put in place for you as it is asking way to much of you to expect you to manage on your own.

pianodoodle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:46:41

In fact I can't believe he even suggested it... even as a joke.

Hubb Mon 10-Feb-14 12:47:04

OP please show him this thread since he likes to bring in other people's opinions! Your post was very calm and measured so you have nothing to hide!

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 10-Feb-14 12:47:30

Yanbu. One baby no other dc then that would be different but two babies plus two kids when there's a higher chance of a section an the fact that the twins may need to be in for a few days of they are a little early, just no. I'm sorry but your dh is a twunt for even thinking it would be ok
sad

QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 12:48:20

i have twins and an older DS. unless you have someone to move in with you to help (your mum?) the answer is no. and your DH is being VVVVU to even ask! if you have a c/s you may not be able to lift/drive etc and dealing with 4 kids when you are recovering from surgery would be hellish.

also, and not wanting to scaremonger, your twins may still be in hospital at this point.

I had to force my DH to go to his grandfather's funeral while i was 7 months pregnant with our twins, he didn't want to be that far away (2 hour plane ride) and i moved in with my mum and dad while he was gone. the concept of your DH even suggesting this blows my mind.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 12:48:28

...and a "chance" he will miss the birth of his twins ?

what kind of "father" is he ? confused

Dillydollydaydream Mon 10-Feb-14 12:48:49

YANBU. I wouldn't be about this either.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:50:03

I second what Hubb said - show him what his new batch of girlie chums reckons....

What if you have a C-section? You will still need help lifting etc. Twins could be early and still be in hospital, I wouldn't make plans to do.anything for at least 6 weeks, even if it was a single baby.
YANBU

squoosh Mon 10-Feb-14 12:50:34

I'm gobsmacked he would even contemplate this.

Seriously.

gamerchick Mon 10-Feb-14 12:52:53

But if you need a section you'll need someone around won't you?

I'd tell him if he goes not to come back. He sounds like a selfish twat.

BrokenButNotFinished Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:05

You have to look after your mental health. Anyone could have a psychotic episode if they're sleep-deprived - not to mention when post-pregnancy hormones are thrown in the midst as well. And the extra strain of being unsupported for long periods... Tragedies happen to ordinary people living on ordinary streets.

The wedding, I get. But in the circumstances, I can't imagine what your husband's friend was thinking of, asking him to be best man. YA SO NOT BU...

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:58

Where are you, OP? When are you due and when is this stag do arranged for?

I'm asking because if you really do get left in the lurch, I'm sure some MN-ers could organise something to help you.

MrsOakenshield Mon 10-Feb-14 12:54:30

do all his female friends have 4 children aged under 5, with a couple of newborns? I'm guessing probably not. Knobbish thing to say!

But, he is now the best man, which does put an onus on him to go (if he wasn't then no bloody reason to go at all). Why do these things have to be a whole weekend - it's stupid, what's the matter with a night out??

YANBU to think this, but you and DH now need to come up with a plan - can either your DM or MIL come and help you out? I think if you can explore what options you've got a can come up with a solution - fine. If not, he's going to have to bow out graciously, but of course go to the wedding.

Right now he needs to not commit to this.

BrandNewIggi Mon 10-Feb-14 12:55:20

It is odd that his female friends' opinions count for more than those of his pregnant wife. Is he assuming because you cope when he is off earning a living (afraid that would be a deal breaker alone for me in terms of having a young family) that you can just extend this to cover weekends too? Is he even taking paternity leave? I would be very tempted to pack his stuff up if he left like that. If you want life to continue as normal, don't have four tiny children. What would happen if you decided to go away for a weekend when they are five weeks old? You could say all your female friends said it was fine!

jellyandcake Mon 10-Feb-14 12:55:54

How many of his female friends have four children including newborn twins and have looked after them for nine days straight with no help? So that their husbands can go drinking? None, maybe? That's crap. He shouldn't go , he shouldn't expect to go, he shouldn't want to go if he stops and thinks about what he is actually asking of you.

If his friends - female or otherwise - do agree with him then that simply means they are as stupid, selfish and lacking in empathy as he is. So I don't think their opinions are particularly important.

And even if they are all juggling newborn quads whilst their husbands are all on a month long piss up together,they still aren't in your marriage and they don't get to override your feelings. You DDon Imus want him to go. You have excellent reasons. He needs to listen to you.

lunar1 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:56:57

I think that your H is being an absolute shit to even consider this.

undecidedanduncertain Mon 10-Feb-14 12:57:00

I think your DH is being really cowardly about this. Telling you that his friend is putting pressure on him / that his female relatives think he should go etc. is pathetic. He should be honest and say 'I want to go off on this holiday even though it means leaving you on your own with newborn twins and two small DC.'

He's not saying that, because he knows it's an awful thing to say, and worse - that a decent man wouldn't actually WANT to do it in the first place.

I couldn't bear to be with a man who was so weaselly and selfish. I expect that those traits are showing themselves in lots of other behaviour of his.

I'm sorry, I know that's not very helpful, I'm just really cross on your behalf that you're being put in such a crappy position.

BrandNewIggi Mon 10-Feb-14 12:57:56

If there is support on offer to the OP (eg a relative coming round) she needs to call in those favours when dh is working away, not when he's partying. It's a pretty strange set-up if the groom had actually planned his stag prior to asking the husband to be best man. Sounds fishy. Or he is a second choice, as the first choice wasn't allowed to go by his wife!

IceBeing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:58:09

just unbelievable.

I am with the people saying 'why does he even want to be away?'

Isn't he the parent of these children too?

BrandNewIggi Mon 10-Feb-14 12:58:50

Finally, most stag threads say "let him go" ime, so the fact that you are getting a unanimous vote in your favour says a lot about these particular circumstances.

Goldencity1 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:59:12

As a mum of twins, yanbu, he is!
I didn't have other children and there is no way my dh could have left me alone for that amount of time. My twins were a month early, I didn't have to have a section, but many do, how does he think you could possibly cope on your own then?
Have all these "female friends" so willing to give their opinion had twins? No? Thought not.
Personally I think you should have some live in help, can you afford a nanny? Is your mum near or a sister? At least for the first few weeks ....

As for not being with you at the birth....words fail me.

Theonlyoneiknow Mon 10-Feb-14 12:59:48

He needs to understand how hard this will be for you OP, especially if you have had a CS. There is NO WAY that he should be jetting off for a weekend of boozing (and sleep!) and leaving you with newborn twins and possibly a recovery from major surgery. My stitches got infected twice following my second CS as I was also doing the house work and looking after DC1, let alone having twins and two other DC.

Could you show him this thread, make him realise how thoughtless he is being?

Agree, if he stumps up the money to pay for a maternity nurse, fine otherwise no go!

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "what a fucking bellend". I'd be telling my husband not to come back if he did this OP.

BeeInYourBonnet Mon 10-Feb-14 13:03:03

Are you having a cs?
Has your DH given you any 'suggestions' on how you are expected to manage, or has his thought process ended at 'I'm going, and that's that!'.

LiegeAndLief Mon 10-Feb-14 13:04:10

Oh my god.

I think you know you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. I wouldn't have been happy with dh going away for the weekend four weeks after dc2's birth, never mind if I was having twins and already had 2 young dc!

Who are these women he has "asked"?

Charley50 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:05:53

Another shocked person here. YADNBU and he is being an arsehole to even suggest it.

chubbychipmonk Mon 10-Feb-14 13:06:10

I'm raging for you! YADNBU!

BeeInYourBonnet Mon 10-Feb-14 13:06:18

Totally agree with brand .

I am normally if the 'let him go' mindset, but this would be a deal breaker to me.

Sadly, if he does go, and coupled with his lack of care re paternity leave, I would suggest you need to presume you're on your own, whether you stay with him or not.

pianodoodle Mon 10-Feb-14 13:07:37

I'm still struggling to be organised with a toddler and one newborn every day at five I start counting down the hour 'til DH comes home!

I just can't imagine two newborns and two other children!

evangelinelily Mon 10-Feb-14 13:09:46

YANBU. How the hell does he expect you to cope alone with 4 young children including newborn TWINS?! Seriously, would he be able to go off and enjoy himself knowing that you are getting absolutely no sleep and are running ragged after FOUR KIDS?!

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:10:51

YADNBU No way!!

I had twins and a 2 1/2 yr old. DH went away when they were 4 wks old (1 week out of hospital for them) for 2 days, but I had my mother staying.

He went away for 10 days when they were 5 months old. It was hell. There was no way I could get them all to bed when they wanted to. I tried a different way every night. It was impossible with only two hands attached to only one person. The last 2 days I let DS fall asleep in front of Thomas the Tank engine, then put him in his PJs and bed when the DTs were in bed. It was very lonely too.

Bingbongbinglybunglyboo Mon 10-Feb-14 13:10:52

Yanbu at all.

Your dh is completely failing to see how having another newborn, let alone 2 will impact your life ( not his, as he will be working away, carrying on as normal)

Despite what happens with the stag party and wedding, please consider contacting home start. Especially as his usual working patterns are away from home for 3 days a week, you are going to have your hands really full, from my understanding they can help practically with loads of stuff that will be hard work with twins and other young children. Like cleaning or shopping, or getting out the door to a toddler group!

When are you twins due?

RafflesWay Mon 10-Feb-14 13:12:21

Just reiterating what all others have said OP - YADNBU! Again - as already covered - what if you need a CS which is very common with twin births? I had a CS for my one dd and I am not a wimp but it is MAJOR surgery and no way could you manage newborn twins alone after just 4 weeks. I am so sorry having but your oh needs to GROW up and grow a pair!! How old is he 10??? No MAN would even consider leaving you in this situation IMO. Him apart mega congrats with your expectant twins - how lovely - and I do wish you a fantastic birth.

squoosh Mon 10-Feb-14 13:13:11

He really needs to read this thread.

JustAfloat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:15:14

I've got twins and I say YADNBU.

He's sounds like such an idiot.

You know, he doesn't HAVE to be best man. If he feels he can't fulfil his best man duties because he has other responsibilities (and boy does he) then he can always graciously decline.

YADNBU!!!

rollonthesummer Mon 10-Feb-14 13:17:40

What a complete arse. Who exactly are these female friends he's asked? Have they ever met a newborn baby, or twins?! They are no friends of yours.

I'm afraid I would start to get rather hysterical at this point and ask him to choose beyween his family or the stag weekend.

mrscog Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:29

YANBU, in fact I think this is one of the most unreasonable posts I've ever read!

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 13:19:04

In advance, I'd be contacting your local Sure Start team just in case you get stuck.

Yeah, because that's what Sure Start is for, helping out women who can't cope because their lazy, shirking, uninvolved husbands think their social life is more important than their family responsibility. hmm

I would draw a big fucking line in the sand about this.

The door of our home would no longer be open to him on his return should he choose to abandon our family at such an important time just so he could get drunk for a weekend.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 13:19:10

I guess he thinks he can just swan off and do what he likes as you'll be at home with the kids. That's the presumption isn't it? You're the childcare, he doesn't have to think about it or rearrange his life as you'll just be there.

What if you're struggling after having a CS and can't lift or drive? What if your twins are early or in SCBU? Not trying to worry you OP, but there are so many 'what ifs' he can't even be arsed to think about.

And who gives a flying fuck what his female friends think? Are they offering to come round and help? And why are their opinions more important than yours?

He shouldn't even want to go. Why might be not be there for the birth? Does he actually give a fuck about anything?

wishful75 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:19:12

What an absolute arse he is. Selfish twat.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 13:21:57

But Join, if her DH does go after all that's been said, she's going to need someone there.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Uruguay Mon 10-Feb-14 13:24:38

Of course yanbu.

He's being an arse - he doesn't 'have' to go to the stag do. He just wants to.

My friend had 2 children, and then twins and says she barely remembers the first year, it was all such a whirlwind... Your dh needs to be there with you as much as possible.

And yes, you should get surestart help - she did -- that's if Cameron hasn't closed them all down.--

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 13:25:46

Sure, minou, and she should call them if she needs to.

But the very idea that this service would be needed by a family where there is a competent adult who refuses to help because he is too busy drinking with his buddies is infuriating angry

I would be so humiliated if I had to avail of a service like this because my husband was so irresponsible and useless.

OP YADNBU.

Flabbergasted at his utter selfishness and foul behaviour.
Has he always been like this?

I would love to meet him and ask him why he thinks it is ok to leave his new babies, two older children, and just-having-given-birth-wife.

Ooooh am fuming on your behalf.

And as for those women who have said there is no problem with it, who are they? I don't think they exist!!!!!

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, if he doesn't go, you will be seen as a party pooper by him and his stupid mates. If he does go, your relationship may be damaged beyond repair.

Feel v sorry for you OP and would quite like to set a trap for your DH with a door and a large bucket of icy water.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 13:27:20

He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

I can't imagine he's been a great deal of use with the first 2 children so I don't think this latest development will have come as a surprise...

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 13:27:48

I know, Join, but if he doesn't see sense after he sees this thread, or listens to further reasoning from OP, then she's got to rise above any humiliation and get on with it, for the good of her health as well as her children's.

Awful situation.
He's a knobber of the highest order and I hope OP does show him this thread.

GiniCooper Italy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:28:05

Similar happened to us but our twins were about 8 weeks old. There's no way DH would have gone. We discussed it before I had the babies and decided we'd wait and see. As soon as they arrived it was obvious it was not happening.
Plus the cost of going away would've been too much.

NatashaBee Mon 10-Feb-14 13:28:26

YANBU at all. I would struggle just with one 4 week old baby on my own, let alone twins plus 2 older children. As someone else said, then if you have people who can help, you need to save that favour for when you actually need it, not just because your DH wants to go out drinking.

Slebmum Mon 10-Feb-14 13:29:06

YANBU.

I have twins, and no other children, and the first year was a complete blur. I would be giving him an ultimatum I'm afraid.

I am normally of the let them go camp but really...he is being a selfish sod!!!

How long after the stag is the wedding when he will be away for 9 days straight?

Does he not have a sense of priorities? Do you have any one who can come and help you if he does decide to go?

I'm reading this shaking my head and I am normally very laid back!

BitOutOfPractice Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 13:31:14

I am normally of the "let him go" persuasion as well but absolutely not in this case. No way! YADNBU OP!

Good luck with the birth OP

I did laugh at this though AF "How dare he try to railroad you like this by tring the emotional blackmail of "other women think it's ok". It is fuck-all to do with anyone else...this is between you and him."

OK for the OP to ask a bunch of srangers off the internet though eh? wink

FRambridge Mon 10-Feb-14 13:32:05

Begs the question why on earth would the groom-to-be ask DH to be Best Man AFTER you politely told him you need to discuss with your husband due to your circumstances?!?

Surely groom-to-be would have more respect surrounding this situation and not have 'conveniently' asked DH to be Best Man since that convo!

You aren't being unreasonable, I would hit the damn roof! As a single parent I struggled with my ONE newborn for ages after he was born (the lack of sleep alone is enough to send you round the bend). You need to put your foot down. Is he taking pat leave after twins are born? Seems to me he's more bothered about others opinions than his wife's and he's putting his mate/himself before his family! Selfish!!!

shoom Mon 10-Feb-14 13:32:39

It's very sad that he would want to do this. If he's already traveling for work he should be champing at the bit to get home and see you all.

Never mind the the various what-if scenarios around any birth. Surely he knows CS is a possibility? How long has he been like this? He is behaving like a selfish idiot.

MarjorieChardem Mon 10-Feb-14 13:36:19

Un-fucking believable. If my DH even suggested this I would tell him to fuck off and it would be the end.

Selfish doesn't even come close.angry

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:18

I think the saddest thing if all is that he sees getting drunk with a groups of men as a "once in a lifetime experience" that can't be missed.

But he sees the birth of his twins and their early weeks in the world as fuck all worth bothering about.

Slutbucket Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:58

I am a mother of twins. Your husband is not going to know what's hit him. We are just getting to grips with it now and they are 2 and a half and we have a five year old. The hardest two years of my life. The first four weeks I can't remember. Send your husband to me I am can be a female friend who will tell him the truth about his stupidness!

mouldyironingboard Mon 10-Feb-14 13:39:50

YADNBU

Your DH is a selfish idiot. I think you should show him this thread as it is rare to see 100% agreement on MN!

Fuck him and his friend. Seriously.

Given he's not planning to give you any real help regardless whether he goes or not, I think you should hire a maternity nanny for 6-8 weeks after the birth. You will need help.

If he says you can't afford it then I guess he can't afford to go the stag or wedding either.

Isn't it funny that there's a unanimous YANBU on this thread, whilst "all" his female friends reckon you should be fine? I reckon he asked no more than two women, neither of whom has ever had any contact with children of any age in their entire adult lives.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 13:42:10

There's a lot of people focusing on the stag do whilst missing the point that he might not even be there for the birth...

Btw my MIL had 4 under 4 (including twins) and a husband who did practically nothing. She barely managed and that was only because she had a housekeeper, two nannies and a wide circle of supportive friends.

You need to start from the assumption that you will need help. If your husband won't do it himself then he needs to pay for it. But no help is not an option.

BABaracus Mon 10-Feb-14 13:47:02

OP please confirm what we all know ie. that these female friends have never had two kids under five plus newborn twins.

Your husband is being an utter, utter prick. And I am also normally very relaxed about boys' weekends away etc.

If he insists on going, he will either need to take annual leave to be at home with you beforehand and/or he needs to pay for a nanny to help you.

Nomorepeppapig Mon 10-Feb-14 13:47:37

While I can toally see why you are pissed off I can sort see his point that as the best man he should really go. I think his friend getting married is to blame a little for making it a weekend away. He should have done something closer to home then it wouldn't be the whole weekend.
Do you have family that can help? Send the older 2 to grand parents and have a friend/sister/sister in law to come and stay with you? Hassle I know but it's only one weekend out of your whole lives. And I think a spa weekend with the girls when your feeling upto it is a must, let see how DH likes that!!

ipswichwitch Mon 10-Feb-14 13:48:27

Christ what an arse. I'll be willing to bet he hasn't asked any female friends (demand names from him, I bet he conveniently forgets who). I'm struggling this week with an 8 week old and 2yo ( who has been vomiting this morning) because DH had to go away til Friday for work. He didn't want to go and considered asking his boss to not go but it is important. I can't imagine how difficult it will be for you with 2 older DC and newborn twins. Show him this thread since he was the one who initially felt it necessary to canvass other opinions.

LittleBearPad Mon 10-Feb-14 13:49:24

What everyone else says above.

YANBU at all

Is he taking paternity leave. I'd be asking him to take annual leave too if he thinks he can sod off for weeks at a time.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:50:34

Nomore, he wasn't best man to start with. He knew his wife was having twins and he could have declined to be best man anyway.

Tbh A spa weekend away once you have twins is not going to happen for a very long time.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 13:51:05

If he is determined to go (and to be honest I'd be tempted to tell him not to bother coming back), ask him what help is he going to put into place for you whilst he's gone. A nanny? Maternity nurse? Which is it? As you just getting on with it is not an option.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 13:51:38

Fuck a spa weekend in "exchange" for him being a complete twat.

shoom Mon 10-Feb-14 13:52:19

"a spa weekend with the girls" hmm

Spa weekend? Fuck that, I would be fucking off for a very long time if he went and landed me in the shit......maybe for ever!

FRambridge Mon 10-Feb-14 13:53:24

Nomore - you arent secretly one of DH 'female friends' are you? wink

squoosh Mon 10-Feb-14 13:53:38

A spa weekend is always offered up as a solution. This guy's attitude to his family goes way beyond anything a spa weekend could fix.

TheScience Mon 10-Feb-14 13:53:59

What, a spa weekend in compensation (presumably in a year or so when there aren't any tiny babies to look after) for leaving your wife with 2 newborns and 2 other young children for 9 days?

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 13:54:18

Why does the spa weekend always get trotted out...

This is a man who:

(a) Isn't planning on cutting down work travel leading up to the birth
(b) May not even make the birth, presumably as he could be away on a trip
(c) Is not planning to take any paternity level

Fuck SureStart, get to a solicitor.

SandyChick Mon 10-Feb-14 13:54:30

YANBU

Your Dh needs to grow up.

Are you having a CS. If you are your Dh is going to have his hands full for the first 4 weeks at least as you and all 4 of your children will be dependent/ relying heavily on him.

How far off is the wedding? Would there be any chance that the stag do could be postponed? If it's so important to the stag to have your Dh there then maybe here is room for manoeuvre with dates.

If not then I personally think your Dh should decline to be best man and not go on the stag do.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Feb-14 13:54:36

No more , he would be away for 8 days. Not one night.

A spa weekend is no compensation for being left alone with new born twins and 2 other kids. How ridiculous!

What is this law that a best man has to go on the stag? Is it in the Geneva Conventions or something?

twopeasinapod Mon 10-Feb-14 13:56:19

YANBU at all. He is being totally and utterly selfish.

His female friends think it's fine? What has it got to do with them? Do they have four under six?

Have you shown him this thread OP?

fozzy26 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:56:55

What a situation you are in! This is my first ever
LTB! He can't think much of you or the children to be willing to leave you so soon after the birth. What a selfish man!

and really....sending the older 2 children away to grandparents or whatever isn't really on when they are getting settled with new siblings anyway - what message does that give them. Dad can't be arsed and mum would rather look after the babies than you - that is how they would see it.

It's all madness and he is a total dick for even considering it.

playftseforme Mon 10-Feb-14 14:00:17

Balancing the needs of twin 4 week old babies and two older children is going to be incredibly demanding. I found the feeding the most difficult piece. I had help during the week when dh went back to work, but I relied on dh at the weekend. Sorry to be such a doom mongerer (ps it does get better v quickly - but those early weeks are tough). Your dh should not be going, but if he does, insist that he pays for a maternity nurse for the entire weekend to support you.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 14:00:33

It always puzzles me that a spa weekend is trotted out as some kind of relevant and wonderful thing to do to counteract such twattish behaviour. Personally a spa weekend is my idea of hell.

All the OP is asking is for him to step up and be a parent. Not much to ask really.

One of my best friends, I met her at baby clinic when I had my DS and she had twin girls. They were really hard work and I used to really feel for "the lady with the twins" - I think had her DH fucked off on a jolly when they were 4 weeks old (and she had no other children) - well I think she would have castrated him!

Littletabbyocelot Mon 10-Feb-14 14:12:15

Our best man didn't come to DH's stag-do. His girlfriend had just declined his proposal and dumped him, he didn't feel like it. This had no affect on DH's friendship with him because other people's lives don't stop just because you're getting married & if you care about someone enough to make them your best man then you care about the things that matter to them.

I'm currently pregnant with twins. Admittedly they are our first but DH would do ANYTHING rather than miss out on time with them. He's already sat down with his boss and agreed no trips away for a month before or several months after the birth. I agree, the fact that OPs DH isn't bothered about missing the birth & doesn't see that he has any responsibility to be around is infuriating.

I am fairly sure that pregnancy hormones + 'all my female friends say it's ok' = a valid defence in court (Ok, not really, but it feels like it should!)

thewalrus Mon 10-Feb-14 14:13:41

I have twins and an elder DD who was a toddler when they were born. The first bit of having twins is incredibly difficult, as is looking after your elder child(ren) and yourself. DTS had colic. I could not see a way through bedtime on my own at all - if DH was at work late, none of the kids went to bed until he got home (or someone else stepped in to help). I am generally quite a strong, competent person - I found those early days enormously difficult.
In a sense though, all of that is irrelevant. The point is, the two of you are about to have these babies and you don't want him to go. From the OP you're obviously not the sort of person who enjoys or finds it easy to ask your DH to restrict what he does for your benefit, so the fact that you want to on this occasion ought to carry a bit of weight. My DH places a very high value on attending his friends' occasions, and would hate to miss a close friends' stag do. In those circumstances though I really think he would have listened to me about it (and I think he would not have been able to bear the idea of being away from his family for that length of time).
Hope you are OK and you manage to sort this out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 14:18:56

Oh well if DH has asked all his female friends and they think he should go, obviously that's fine then.

Noooooo yanbu.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 10-Feb-14 14:19:11

I'm not quite sure what I'd be getting out of a relationship where the father may or may not be there for the birth or would disappear for a stag weekend when I had 4 week old twins, and that's without two other kids to look after. Have you suddenly gained the ability to stay awake 24/7 without getting tired and grown octopus arms during this pregnancy?

I had to walk away from the thread earlier, I was so angry for you.

YANBU- he I being a total dickhead. At 4 weeks post c-section with my twins,I barely had feeding established, and had only just about recovered from the last few weeks of pregnancy - I was no where near recovered from the actual section- and that was with my DH off work for 4 weeks and my mum doing all the housework for the first 10 days.

I would get a mat nurse, and change the locks. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

frogwatcher42 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:22:04

A stag do isn't compulsory. The best man attending a stag do isn't compulsory. A weekend stag do isn't compulsory.

Any decent dh would meet them for a drink (or if too far away, contact the bar they are going to and leave some money behind bar) but only be gone for a couple of hours.

Four children including new born twins is going to be hard. I would be very surprised at any bloke wanting to leave his wife/partner for any overnight trip that wasn't absolutely critical in this situation.

I would hope that the blokes on the stag weekend would be very surprised if he DID turn up, and would be supportive and understanding if he didn't. I can imagine that if he does go, some of the other blokes will secretly be saying between them, what a selfish tw*t he is. And certainly some of their wives/partners at home will be saying it.

jacks365 France Mon 10-Feb-14 14:23:27

I think you should let him go then change the locks cos if he thinks this is acceptable then you will be better off on your own. Be honest how much help is he when he's around or does he just add to the workload.

Nomorepeppapig Mon 10-Feb-14 14:24:05

The twins will be 4 weeks old most older siblings would have had a sleep over or 2 in this time with family. Weather a father was away or not. It would be a fun thing not shipping them off. I do love the hysteria on these threads. I can understand op being like it a bit but everyone else. You hysterical mn's do make me laugh!!

PumpkinPie2013 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:27:41

YADNBU

I'm angry for you!

Blimey, I've needed support with one baby after he was delivered by c-section!

The idea of being alone with baby twins plus two older children doesn't bear thinking about!!

Plus, if his friend has anything about hin he should realise that your husband simply cannot do this!

FRambridge Mon 10-Feb-14 14:29:31

Nomore - so you're actually advocating the father should miss the birth of his twins and not give a f**k as to how is wife will be feeling and coping on her own???? Obviously you've never had the pleasure of looking after newborn/s on your own as well as having everyday matters to take care of! Think about what you're actually saying. You may be so laid back you're horizontal but I guarantee you'd feel like s**t if your OH told you he was going ahead on his p-up in similar circumstances

shoom Mon 10-Feb-14 14:32:28

Just as you make us all laugh, peppa!

MrsWolowitz Mon 10-Feb-14 14:32:32

YANBU.

I have 3 DC, 2 of which are twins. The first few years weeks of twins is a total blur and he is so naive and selfish to think that it's ok to bugger off when they will be so young.

angry

Beatrixemerald Mon 10-Feb-14 14:33:07

Totally not being U, worst case scenario could he fund a couple of nights help for you?

MorningTimes Mon 10-Feb-14 14:33:12

I also hope you manage to sort this out. I have twins & two other DC. 4 weeks is a hard point & you will need help.

At that point, my DH was staying up until 11/midnight to do a late feed for them, I did the main night & I would still sometimes go into him at 6am & beg for help. Even though he was working, he would still get up again & try and give me a bit of a break as he knew now relentless it was. He then did the school run before work.

My DH has idiot friends who are obsessed with big stag holidays and people 'having' to attend. In our 20's it did become an issue as he was leaving me at home with a young child while he was off on these stupid weekends. Eventually, it became such an issue that I told him he had to make a choice, which was basically "Be a single man & live the life of a single man, or stay married & sort your priorities out". He realised I meant it and pulled himself together. By the time the twins came, in out thirties, he'd really grown up and wouldn't have dreamt of putting anyone else before his family. I couldn't cope with the twins without him, we really work as a team now & it is still hard work.

Maybe your DH needs a wake-up call? It sounds like he is really taking you for granted & you need to sort this out sooner rather than later. Re:him working up to the birth, does he realise there is a realistic chance that one or both your babies will need to go to SCBU, even if you make it to 37 weeks? Or that you have a higher chance of a c-section and will therefore be unable to lift anything for 6 weeks after the birth?

There are some lovely things about twins (sorry if that all sounded gloomy) but your DH really needs to grow up and make you a priority flowers

MrsWolowitz Mon 10-Feb-14 14:34:18

Nomore tell me, how do you cope with your 4 DC including two newborns?

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 10-Feb-14 14:36:13

So you are going to have to cope on your own a frw days a week due to his work

He wants to fuck off to a wedding meaning you will be on your own for 8 days and now the same for a stag do.

Not to mention maybe missing the birth

He sounda like a dick, does he even help you out with the two older dc as I cant believe any dad who was hands on with his dcs would think it was ok to leave you for this length of time when you have just had twins.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 14:46:58

Nomore, tell us all about how easy twins are then. hmm

MrsBungle Mon 10-Feb-14 14:58:17

Bloody hell yadnbu. I was chief bridesmaid for my friend but I didn't go to the hen-do because I had one 3 week-old baby! She didn't mind a bit had totally understood.

He is being a proper dick-head, I can't believe he's even considering it had leaving you with 4 kids including newborn twins. Absolutely ridiculous.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 14:58:20

other people's lives don't stop just because you're getting married & if you care about someone enough to make them your best man then you care about the things that matter to them.

Finally! Someone whose attitude to weddings I can relate to.

FairPhyllis Mon 10-Feb-14 15:05:01

"All his female friends", pfft.

How about you tell him all your female friends say it's fine to castrate and then divorce him for even contemplating this?

I bet this thing about him being best man was cooked up by him and his mates as a way to coerce you into putting up with this.

FairPhyllis Mon 10-Feb-14 15:06:28

Even if he really is best man he doesn't have to go to the stag. If they are decent friends they should understand that being a father comes first.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 15:07:59

I bet this thing about him being best man was cooked up by him and his mates as a way to coerce you into putting up with this.

Yeah, me too.

You stuck up for yourself and now you're being shown "what's what" by the men.

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne Mon 10-Feb-14 15:27:37

YADNBU, your DH sounds like a cock.

pianodoodle Mon 10-Feb-14 15:36:31

The twins will be 4 weeks old most older siblings would have had a sleep over or 2 in this time with family. Weather a father was away or not. It would be a fun thing not shipping them off. I do love the hysteria on these threads. I can understand op being like it a bit but everyone else. You hysterical mn's do make me laugh!!

...Says the woman who started a thread because she didn't think she could manage to feed one baby and take care of a 3 year old at the same time...

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 15:45:35

Really? hahahahaha

BeeInYourBonnet Mon 10-Feb-14 15:46:24

I was also chief bridesmaid for my friend, and I missed her hen weekend. I had a bf 3mo, and whilst i would have left DS with DH, i didnt fancy spending a 2 day spa break trying to stop my boobs squirting milk all over the jacuzzi!

It is not COMPULSARY to attend hen/stag nights, especially if you have very good reason not to.

FleecyFeet Mon 10-Feb-14 15:46:51

My DH had to go away for work for 5 days when the DT's were 3 weeks. It wasn't that difficult as they sleep most of the time then anyway. If you get into a routine of feeding them and putting them down at the same time as each other it's perfectly doable.

Your DH is being an arse for not discussing it with you and you coming to a joint decision though.

Nomorepeppapig Mon 10-Feb-14 15:48:12

Ah the hysteria returns!!
Did I ever say it was ok for him to miss the birth????
And yes I did start the tread. You no nothing about me and what I went through with my first baby. It was more that bf the first time was a nightmare baby nearly ended up in hospital. And nothing to do with this tread. I was just trying to give op another opinion. I never said she should do it alone. I suggested family to help. I have looked after very young twins, not my own so very different but still 5 days a week 8-6 from a few months old. Bloody hard work! That's way I suggested help!! I can just see her DH side as well.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 15:53:21

And you know nothing much about the OP.

One rule for you and your problems and no sympathy for the OP in this situation.

There is no need for her OP to go to the stag do. He should step and be a parent.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 15:53:57

*her dh not op

Nomorepeppapig Mon 10-Feb-14 15:58:35

Maybe you should go back and read my first post cat. I am very sympathy but I was giving op another view. Sorry I can see where the husband is coming from. Maybe it's because I wouldn't want my DH to miss his best friends stag and wedding.

Yama Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 15:58:52

I couldn't respect a man who is capable of deserting his family at such a time.

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Nanny0gg England Mon 10-Feb-14 16:02:26

Nomorepeppapig

You are comparing apples and oranges.

Still, there's always one...

Nanny0gg England Mon 10-Feb-14 16:05:04

* Maybe it's because I wouldn't want my DH to miss his best friends stag and wedding.*

I wouldn't want my DH to miss out on helping to care for his newborns (after all, there's no guarantee they actually will be 4 weeks, unless they're being induced or the OP is having a caesarean)either. But then, he wouldn't have wanted to.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 16:06:22

Nomore, the OP has said that if he goes to the stag do and the wedding, plus work, he will be away for 8/9 nights in a row.

How is that fair?

Nomorepeppapig Mon 10-Feb-14 16:21:55

Oh well that's my opinion. It would be bloody work for op but with lots of help doable. As I said I wouldn't want my DH to miss out on his best friend wedding and stag. It's a week. Not ideal but I'm sure she can think of ways he can make it upto her. That's what I would do. Leaving the tread. Thanks pianodoodle!

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 16:23:51

She hasn't said she has lots of help. Not everyone does.

Jess03 Mon 10-Feb-14 16:26:31

But honestly, how many people have family that want to muck in for that long with twins and very small dc? And op won't have trouble feeding twins? I really don't think there is another side here. But with a dp like that, I'd be insisting on buying in as much help as I could and insist on that. Is he much help when he's around?

BratinghamPalace Mon 10-Feb-14 16:29:02

OP I had a three year old and a two year old when DH had to leave for work after I had a cs and a week old baby. He was gone for two weeks. I was exhausted; totally depleted when he came back. It had an enormous impact on my recovery from the cs/birth, irritability with the older (very young) DCS, I lost my appetite, no sleep, could not tell the woods from the trees and to this day when I think of it a wave of sadness overcomes me. He could have refused the job at the time, didn't, and took advantage of me in that moment. It is a stain on our relationship and honestly, I do not think he understands the dept of it. Not because I have not discussed it, I have. He has never been pushed like that in such a vulnerable sate. You are vulnerable now, all women in this stage of pregnancy are. You cannot do 8/9 days buy yourself. The cost is too high.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Mon 10-Feb-14 16:29:17

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So marry those incredibly stupid women then.

YANBU

BratinghamPalace Mon 10-Feb-14 16:31:13

By

ProfPlumSpeaking Mon 10-Feb-14 16:31:56

I am speechless. YADNBU. Don't know where to start with giving advice. So sorry your DH is being so completely and utterly thoughtless. being a best man is an honour but not life changing. Going on a stag do is a treat. Being a good father to 4 young children is IMPORTANT. Being there for your wife when she needs you is IMPORTANT. And big. Having newborn twins will mean full out effort from you both. It is not going to be optional. Fair enough if DH wants to go for a drink (say for an hour or two after the older DC are in bed) a few days before the wedding to wish his mate well, PROVIDING the DC are all thriving and you are not at your limit. Going away for a weekend is most definitely not on.

MrsWolowitz Mon 10-Feb-14 16:32:10

* I have looked after very young twins, not my own so very different but still 5 days a week 8-6 from a few months old*

Not the same as having twins at all. Exhausted through the night, no rest during the day (as can't nap due to older DC) and recovering from a twin pregnancy and labour or c section.

Not the same at all. No comparison.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 10-Feb-14 16:32:34

Just keep saying no, you will not be available as 24hr childcare for that period. It does not work for you, the end.

I would be interested to see what he actually did - I suspect that this obviously very selfish man would show his colours and, this first time he's actually been told 'no, I'm not willing to pick up the slack for you' - I expect he'd engineer a HUGE argument and go anyway.

And then you will know: he cares not a jot for you and your family, his priority is HIM and always will be.

I wouldn't have anyone to help me in those circumstances but even if I did have.......with newborns and other kids I would want my DH to help me not someone pulled in to do a favour. Leaving his wife and 4 kids at that stage....esp when he knows he is sodding off for 9 days soon enough.....is just beyond selfish and he is mad to even consider it.

If his mate is a mate he will know it's a no.

NoodleOodle Mon 10-Feb-14 16:35:09

If I didn't intend to breastfeed, I would be planning my own weekend away either side of his stag.

Jux Mon 10-Feb-14 16:36:52

YANBU.

Ask him innocently whether he's not worried that, after all this time not helping you, you'll cope so well alone that you won't need him at all? Oh and tell him he's taking all 4 children to the wedding as you'll be in an asylum by then.

ChasedByBees Mon 10-Feb-14 16:37:26

Your husband is a complete pig for even thinking of suggesting this. This would be LTB territory for me.

SugarplumKate Mon 10-Feb-14 16:40:33

Yanbu.....

theBigJessie Mon 10-Feb-14 16:41:10

Oh dear. OP, I am now, for the purposes of this thread, one of your 'female friends'. I have also actually had twins. (Take note of this, nomorePeppaPig Have any of his 'female friends' actually experienced having twins? No?

You are not being unreasonable, and the idea of him fucking off and leaving you with twins and older children to look after gives me palpitations.

MerryMarigold Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 16:41:42

YANBU, OP, but I think you've got the message by now.

I had one older dc when I had twins. 4 weeks is when you're hitting a peak of exhaustion having had virtually no sleep for 4 weeks. Trust me, you will be awake most of the night. I used to sleep from 8-12 every night and dh would do a feed in that time, but between the 2 of them, one was always hungry or crying. A lot of twins are born a bit early. Even 3 weeks early can affect digestion and one of mine had reflux. You can't possibly know yet what the situation will be.

Your dh is supremely unreasonable and sounds like he's your 5th child basically.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 10-Feb-14 16:43:29

What an utterly selfish, immature, self-entitled twat you married......

I am stunned he could even consider it and blithely railroading over you to get his own way.

You are effectively already almost single parenting.

Do you know any of these women who seem to think it's o.k.? Cos I don't buy it.
Unless they are 18 year-old or thereabouts school leavers.....

Personally I wouldn't think highly of a man who asked my opinion on that. I would be stunned he could even be considering it.

Yes, being best man is an honour and going on a stag is great if the time is right.

The time is NOT right

I can't believe he's putting his mate above his DW and DC, all of them who need him more than ever at that time.

Tells you all you need to know. So sorry for you.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 16:44:05

Oh yes, Merry. Good old reflux and the colic. I don't recall anything much but feeding/changing through the first 4 months with mine. Just as well I took photos. grin

MerryMarigold Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 16:44:39

Plus it is likely that with the arrival of 2 babies, the other 2 kids (particularly the younger one) will get MORE clingy. THEY will need him, as much as you will need him.

MerryMarigold Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 16:45:51

grin youthecat

SugarPlumpFairy3 Mon 10-Feb-14 16:47:36

Also as a mum of twins, YADNBU. The first weeks are hardcore and utterly relentless (but also very precious, enjoy!).

JuliaScurr Mon 10-Feb-14 16:48:20

your dh is acting like an arse

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 16:51:16

Any update, OP?

Hulababy Mon 10-Feb-14 16:51:30

Another mum who is saying yanbu.

Your usband sounds like a very selfish man who puts his own wants and needs first, before anyone else's, including those of his wife and children.

The babies will be tiny - a month old.
There are two more children, 5 and under.

5yo and under don't really have sleepovers as a regularly occurance in my experience, so that isn't really the obvious option to me.

The obvious option is for their father to pull his finger out and actually act as a father - not a single man for more than 50% of the time.

I very much doubt any of his female friends have really said they'd be fine And if any really have I would bet that they are either not mums, or mums of much older children - and most definitely not mums of baby twins, or mum to 4 under 5.

Fairenuff Mon 10-Feb-14 16:53:38

He is going to go isn't he sad

mistermakersgloopyglue Mon 10-Feb-14 16:54:00

Normally I massively eyeroll at the 'Aibu to not want dh to go to this stag do/lads weekend/wedding' threads and often side with the partner.

However in this situation I am right with you. Your dh is being an arse and could easily tell the groom that he will be there for the wedding but he is going to have to swerve the stag do for rather obvious reasons.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 16:54:56

Is there any way you could appeal to the groom?

MrsCaptainReynolds Mon 10-Feb-14 16:55:46

YADNBU.

Does he have any idea how difficult and tiring it is going to be? Did he simehow manage to excuse himself from the incredibly draining work of raising your two previous newborns?

JanePurdy Mon 10-Feb-14 16:57:14

Good grief OP. YANBU. I'm normally in the let 'em go camp but there is no way in hell your DH should be even contemplating this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 16:57:18

OP if he's not going to be there at the birth does his mean he won't be there when you go home either? Are you going to be doing it all on your own?

ProfPlumSpeaking Mon 10-Feb-14 16:58:49

Hope you are ok, OP
xx

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 16:59:52

I'm actually quite worried about the OP here.
I hope she comes back and gives us more info so we can help.

BellaVida Mon 10-Feb-14 17:02:50

YADNBU

I only had one DC when I gave birth to twins. Those first weeks are very difficult, CS or not. One thing your DH should understand is that there is a fair chance the twins will arrive early. Mine were only 4 weeks early but still ended up in SCBU for a couple of weeks. If this happens, you will be juggling your existing DCs and hospital visits, so he should definitely plan to be around or you will need a fall back plan in case.

He needs to sort out his priorities!

rumbleinthrjungle Mon 10-Feb-14 17:08:05

Twins in my DS' family, one parent had to be emergency hospitalised a couple of times in their first 3 months, and every time the other (very competent) parent needed one of us living in with them until they were home and well enough to at least be able to hold/change even if they did it in bed propped up on pillows as they did a few times. At least one newborn hopefully sleeps sometimes and you can too; with twins, often just as you get one settled to sleep the other is waking up and needing the next round. And both of them were relatively 'easy' babies and that's not even touching on two other dc to care for.

Unless he can find you at least one useful, competent person who you don't mind having with you, will step up to do the nights and the housework and all the rest of it and won't add to your stress, this is an insane idea. How on earth are you going to cope for 8 days? Is he really this delusional about what life is going to look like after they're born?

IShallCallYouSquishy Mon 10-Feb-14 17:12:44

Hmmm, my DH will be away 2 weekends in a row for his best friends stag do and then wedding (he's best man) when we will have a baby of no more than about 5-6 weeks. We also have a 20.5 month old. I don't mind him going one bit and I was of course invited along with DC but just not practical.

If however I was due to have twins I would be more than pissed off with him going!

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 17:15:26

Another woman tethered to a selfish dickhead.

YANBU. But you sound resigned to this twat.

Get a solicitor. You don't have to live like this.

A decent parent wouldn't go. A decent parent would be with his wife and kids at such a time, they are priority over some stupid arse piss up with a bunch of dicks and a fucking wedding.

You and his family are second string to his own selfishness.

He doesn't deserve a family or you.

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 17:20:39

YADDDDDDNNNNNBU

i'm shocked he'll be

- away before the birth
- away possibly FOR the birth
- away after the birth
- pissing it up a month after the birth

what planet is he on? oh yes, planet selfish arse planet.

he's not the one left holding the babies is he?

the only redemption i can see here is that you get a mother's help/ au pair in for a month before the birth (because you might go into labour early) until 3 months after. i would seriously consider this if you can afford it.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 10-Feb-14 17:25:40

My ex would have done this. He went away for the weekend when I was 6 days post c-section with new born dd and 3 year old ds with no other support. Some men think this is ok.

Out of interest, what exactly would posters on here have done if that was your DH? I am asking because he and his family thought it was perfectly acceptable to do this and I was pressured into accepting it. I feel quite angry when I look back, I was in pain and helpless and not strong enough to leave or make him leave.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 17:27:41

Stag dos aren't important. They just aren't. Neither are hen dos. And even if you think they are, they don't weigh very heavily in the balance next to twins, do they?

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 17:31:21

where has OP gone ?

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 17:31:57

Truthfully, Sparkles, I did the best I could to never marry or procreate with a person who had attitudes remotely like the OP's H or your ex. We talked a lot and discussed a lot about family, how we felt about family relationships and friendships and priorities. We made sure we were on the same page and if he or I had moved goalposts drastically, there would have been some really hard discussions as to whether we could stay together because no child deserves to be second fiddle to friends, piss ups, going out, hobbies, or well anything.

Twins can come early and/or require hospital care following birth. And there were two older children to consider.

IMO, people like this are nothing more than glorified sperm donors with the added bonus of a wallet.

JapaneseMargaret Mon 10-Feb-14 17:33:17

He is a buffoon.

However, your twins will be born, and he will see for himself how tough it is. Surely he is not so hateful that he will see that, and go anyway.

If he does, then you will know for 100% certain that you are married to a feckless lump of a man, and you can make some decisions of your own.

SomethingOnce Mon 10-Feb-14 17:33:50

YANBU.

That is all.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 17:36:01

'However, your twins will be born, and he will see for himself how tough it is. Surely he is not so hateful that he will see that, and go anyway.'

Haahaaha! In all likelihood, he won't even be there. He hasn't seen how hard it is now, he puts himself, his friends and getting pissed as more important than his wife and family. Someone this self-centred never sees past the end of his nose.

JapaneseMargaret Mon 10-Feb-14 17:37:44

Sparkly - what your ex did was not OK.

There are plenty of decent men out there who don't think it's OK either, and don't have to be talked or convinced out of going, because they never thought it was a good idea in the first place.

I know this can be tough to hear when your partner is not one of those men, but it's important to remind people that there are plenty of decent men out there, and they don't need to accept this shit.

SirChenjin Mon 10-Feb-14 17:40:43

YANBU at all. Not even one tiny bit.

I don't know what else to say - truly. Not often I'm stumped for words, but I can't offer anything more (other than if you're anywhere near Edinburgh then give me a shout). I'm truly gobsmacked that anyone would want to be away from his family at this time sad

JapaneseMargaret Mon 10-Feb-14 17:41:04

I accept I'm probably being naive, expat - I just don't know any men like the OP's 'D'H.

My DH has a huge group of mates, enjoys a night out, but never at the expense of other priorities. Like me, like most of us on this thread, and like his friends, he's an adult.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 10-Feb-14 17:41:31

Expat he was a perfect husband and person until I reached around 7 months pregnant and then he flipped into someone I didn't recognise. I now know that he had met someone else. He went to work one day and came home the next morning a different person. That's how quickly it happened.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 17:42:48

I was married to a man like that, Margaret. He contributed nothing in support/help/parenting when I had twins.

They do exist and they are utterly selfish.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 17:44:10

It's been known to happen, Sparkly sad. In such a case, well, it's over.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 10-Feb-14 17:47:33

It is over, but sometimes they won't go because they think they are allowed to have it all. That's why I ask on here what posters would have done because I think I wasn't strong enough and that bothers me almost more than him actually doing it.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 17:48:57

I can imagine my ex doing a thing like this.
He'd grudgingly change a few nappies then think he was owed the time off.

This is probably why he now lives alone, and why the mother of his daughter moved overseas. This girl now has a lovely man as a father-figure (I'm still in contact with ex's sister).

MissBattleaxe Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:22

There is usually a recommended period of 6 weeks to recover from a C section and it is a strong likelihood that you will need one OP.

Is there any point being married to someone who is living such a separate life from you and doesn't care about the same things as you do? i.e you know, like four children and giving birth to twins.

Apart from providing a wage, what is his function? He is not even planning to be there when you need him more than any other time in your whole life ever.

If my DH even dared trot out the line about the female friends agreeing with him, I'd be wearing a pair of bollock shaped earrings and he'd be singing soprano. Thankfully, he is normal and grown up and wouldn't be such an arse.

theBigJessie Mon 10-Feb-14 17:51:03

Hulababy

I very much doubt any of his female friends have really said they'd be fine And if any really have I would bet that they are either not mums, or mums of much older children - and most definitely not mums of baby twins, or mum to 4 under 5.

Same. Lots of people without twins are blasé about the care they take. Actual parents of twins aren't. I love my little ones with all my heart, and I can't imagine my life without them. But I also can't imagine my marriage's condition now if my husband had been a selfish arse and left me to do it alone.

He needs to tell the groom now that he can't make it to the stag 'event'.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 17:51:08

Sparkly...you were browbeaten at a weak point in your life. It wasn't your fault...you couldn't have fought a battle against an entire family with that mindset.

Minifingers Mon 10-Feb-14 17:51:13

If he insists on going, you need to insist that he pays for a doula to to provide you with help while he's away - day and night. This would probably cost about £600 for the whole weekend, which I suspect is near enough what he will end up spending on jollies on the stag, while you care for his children.

WhereIsMyHat Mon 10-Feb-14 17:54:20

Now am I am easygoing with most stag related AIBUs but your DH is an arse to think is is ok.

Inertia Mon 10-Feb-14 17:57:55

Your husband is being utterly unreasonable. It makes me desperately sad that there are men out there who cannot face up to their responsibilities, and think so little of their wife and children (including newborn twins!) that they are willing to just dump them and bugger off on a drinking holiday. He can't miss a stag do but is quite willing to miss the birth of his children?

I would insist on a paid professional nanny to help with the children on both the stag weekend and the wedding weekend, with the money coming out of his socialising budget.

Sorry OP , he sounds horrible.

andadietcoke Mon 10-Feb-14 18:06:34

My DTs are five months old. I am still incapable of doing bed/bathtime on my own. At four weeks when I was on my own with them I couldn't put them down to nap without waking them both, night feeds took towards 90 mins so I only ever had 90 mins sleep in one go (if I was lucky), one had colic, one had reflux. Reflux baby couldn't sleep unless tilted on me, colic baby screamed from 8 until 10 every night. It is was relentless. I cannot fathom doing that and having to look after two other children. I couldn't look after myself - there were days where I lived off flapjack at 2am. My DH hasn't been great, but he has been there and has been a pair of hands. I've had A LOT of help from my family. My mum comes two days a week and people will come if I need help with bathtime if DH isn't around. I could not have coped without them.

As an aside, if you're anywhere near Manchester let me know and I'll help anyway I can.

youmustbejoking75 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:16:52

He is being vu. Seriously?

HowAboutNo Mon 10-Feb-14 18:17:41

DH was invited to a stag do when (hopefully) our 1st will be 5 weeks old at most.

It wasn't even a conversation, he said no on the spot.

Sorry you're even having to have the conversation. Don't let yourself be railroaded; these DCs are a joint responsibility and you're supposed to be in it together.

PeanutPatty Mon 10-Feb-14 18:19:01

I'm not convinced he's even the Best Man.

mateysmum Mon 10-Feb-14 18:20:48

OP Where are you? Are you OK?

Can you update us?

JapaneseMargaret Mon 10-Feb-14 18:30:56

Sparkly - this has nothing to do with you being 'strong' enough - adults don't police other adults.

This reflects entirely on him. People in healthy relationships think about their partner and act in ways that don't jeopardise that partnership. Your ex obviously wasn't able to do that, not least because he was obviously having an affair.

This is absolutely no reflection on you. It was entirely his fault.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Feb-14 18:36:39

Minifingers, the dh would be away for 8 days not just a weekend

Euphemia France Mon 10-Feb-14 18:44:48

OP, I hope you've spent the afternoon tearing him a new one.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 18:54:41

I reckon they cooked up making him the best man to ensure he had to go on the stag - sounds like a conversation in the pub - the op's oh moaning that he won't "be allowed" ( rather than saying he couldn't because of the birth of his twins) - then some bright spark says he should be made the bm then she'll have to "let him", then they all assure him how she's being so unreasonable.

op yanbu - show him this thread!

onedev Mon 10-Feb-14 18:59:15

Where's the Op?

I'm always dumbfounded when I read MN & how some women have had babies with complete wankers who have no (or very little) regard for their families. Totally amazes me.

Good luck Op & if you do manage it whilst he's away, please find the strength to tell him to stay away as there are plenty of decent men out there who wouldn't even consider this (I think this is only ever my 2nd time on MN where I've said LTB).

AlpacaLypse Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 19:02:13

OP, where are you?

Loads of questions being asked in amongst the rants upthread, and can't really provide advice until they're answered.

feesh Mon 10-Feb-14 19:05:24

I only have twins, no toddlers, and to be honest those first few weeks with twins nearly broke me. And I am normally very, very strong.

It is without doubt a two-person job. A person with only one baby cannot imagine how hard it is with twins.

My mum was going to give us a couple of weeks alone after the birth before coming down, but we ended up calling her from hospital and begging her to come down as soon as we were discharged. She looked after me and my husband (cooking, washing etc) while we cared for the babies around the clock. There are NO breaks with twins - as soon as you've finished one job or one baby it's on to the next, you hardly sleep a wink and the whole time is just a complete blur.

When my husband had to go out during the day while I was in hospital, e.g. to get some lunch, I fell apart. When he popped to the corner shop once we were home, I was a total mess.

You need one person per baby when you have twins, plus you will need an extra family member around to help with the older kids and the boring housework type stuff/washing and sterilising bottles etc.

Put your foot down.

perfectstorm Mon 10-Feb-14 19:11:21

DH is off for 6 weeks paternity leave, using accrued annual leave and time in lieu to top up statutory. He's going in for a week mid-way to make sure things are okay and because it's a very busy time and he doesn't want to let people down, but he knows what a new baby is like, he knows it's a shock to our eldest who has been an only for 5 years, and he actually wants to get to know the new baby. I realise I'm lucky, as he is, that the dates have swung that way - but he has also gone to the trouble of thinking this up, suggesting it and then arranging it, even though it meant he's had very little holiday this year - can't exactly call this a holiday! And if he were asked to a stag right now I can tell you he wouldn't even bother mentioning it to me; he'd say no. Am I grateful? Not to him, no, though I am for its being possible. We're a family; we pull together. We work out how to do that whenever possible.

And quite apart from this being a unique time you'll never get back... you'll have 4 kids, including newborn twins! How in the name of hell are you going to cope with that alone? You don't even have to - he can just politely decline! I know I could manage a 5 year old and newborn if I had to, but 2 older and twins? Honestly, not sure I could.

For the record, I would think someone else's wedding matters less than my own twins, too. I'm startled he doesn't.

YA so NBU.

Domenica69 Mon 10-Feb-14 19:11:57

OP yaDEFINITELYNOTbu!

OP is prob too busy this last few hours with her little ones to add to the thread, am sure she will be back when she gets the chance. After all, her "D"h is not likely to be at home helping her out with the bed bath routine!

perfectstorm Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:25

sparkly: flowers

You know, I think there but for the grace of God. It really can happen with anyone, terrifyingly. I'm so sorry it happened when you were so desperately vulnerable.

AuditAngel Mon 10-Feb-14 19:18:25

Have you asked him when you are scheduling your 2 weekends away whilst he looks after the 4 children alone?

Jux Mon 10-Feb-14 19:30:07

Yes, Domenica, her dh will be busy having lunch breaks, and coffee breaks, and a nice shower in the morning, unbroken sleep, relaxing bath, reading a book, drinking with buddies/colleagues in the evening, having adult conversation, being a big man in his little pond.

Poor op sad, hope he's earning a LOT.

perfectstorm Mon 10-Feb-14 19:47:09

OP if he is earning a good whack, is there any way you can afford to employ some help, at least in the early few months? Nobody could manage 4 small kids including newborn twins alone, really, surely?

Also I would imagine the multiples board here on MN might be really helpful in terms of contacts and advice - TAMBA for example. Homestart are also brilliant, and would I am sure support you a bit, at no cost. And you can refer yourself.

Really angry and sad you're dealing with this. It's not right.

BobFlemming Mon 10-Feb-14 20:08:38

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ROARmeow Mon 10-Feb-14 20:22:27

I echo what has been said already by countless posters.

YANBU!!!!!!!!

Horrible irony is that he's going to celebrate the wedding of another couple - their wedding vows, romance, promising to care for each other - and yet fucks off and abandons his own darling wife and precious lovely children.

Surely he cannot be serious?!

cees Mon 10-Feb-14 20:29:52

YANBU

My heart goes out to you havingtwinsthisyear, your oh is a heartless idiot.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 10-Feb-14 21:16:05

Hopefully OP is having an open and honest discussion where the outcome is that her DH finally sees sense.

Hogwash Mon 10-Feb-14 21:32:41

Bloody hell - this would be a deal breaker for me. DH had to (unavoidably) go away to the States with work when DC3 was about 10 weeks old and I had virtually no sleep all week - but with twins ... for a stag ...shock

Hogwash Mon 10-Feb-14 21:35:35

btw - he was working away at the time anyhow so I was used to the routine of being on my own for nights on end, but the whole week was entirely different.

HavingTwinsThisYear Mon 10-Feb-14 22:21:14

Thanks for all the replies - quite overwhelming and good to know I've not lost my marbles in this pregnancy fog.

To answer some questions - yes, he will take paternity leave, a week or two.

No, I don't have family on tap who can help. As I said, those who can would help with the bigger two, but I'd still probably have 4 kids during the week and the babies at the weekend.

He would be willing to throw money at the 'problem' and get paid help in for the weekend, but I don't think that's the point (does that make me unreasonable?!). He shouldn't pay his way out of new baby responsibilities.

About being there for the birth, I'm trying to keep that as a separate issue. If I was having one baby I could be more sure of when it would arrive and we could fix a 'no travel' period more easily. But with twins there's a much bigger window.

I don't know what kind of delivery I'm having, if everything is uncomplicated we'll try for natural, but you never know.

And while I obviously think he is totally out of line on this, he does help with kids/house when he's here. The problem now is I don't want to talk him out of this and him hold a grudge - I just want the impossible: for him to never have considered it reasonable in the first place.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:21

I'd hire help in. A LOT.

Yama Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 22:24:58

The alternative to him holding a grudge is you resenting him forever.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 10-Feb-14 22:26:42

for him to never have considered it reasonable in the first place.

and that is the barrel he has you over

he didn't, and he never will, if you roll over

I get the feeling you "roll over" a lot, otherwise he would never feel entitled or safe enough to push forward with this utterly selfish behaviour

it appears you get the treatment you are willing to tolerate

you've been played like a fiddle sad

HamletsSister Mon 10-Feb-14 22:31:23

Our Best Man couldn't make it for the simple reason that it was not his thing and he made his excuses - no problem. He is still a great friend, DS's godfather etc. My DH just got pissed with others instead.

Show him this - he does NOT need to go.

ladyquinoa Mon 10-Feb-14 23:33:14

Show him this thread

ladyquinoa Mon 10-Feb-14 23:35:27

He might have a grudge? More importantly you will have a grudge!!!! As a mother of new twins your needs top his

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 23:43:08

If he shows up for the birth of the twins, (and let's hope he's there for you), and takes any leave, please don't let him act like he's gone beyond the call of duty thereby earning the right to go off on the stag weekend.

I hope by the time he has seen how things are with two little ones as well as two newborns, he will reconsider.

wouldbemedic Mon 10-Feb-14 23:54:28

A best man is there to support the marriage, you know - not just on the day, but on a lasting basis. That's why he's best man; it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'best man' your DH will be to his mate, but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic. What kind of guy accepts his best friend turning up to his wedding, then stag do and never says, 'here what about OP? aren't you supposed to be doing shit?'.

SuperLovefuzz England Tue 11-Feb-14 00:04:27

YADNBU! I have one DD who is now 2 months old and no way would I have been ok with my DP leaving me for that long when she was 4 weeks! I wouldn't even be thrilled about it now It's not the wedding he's missing out on.

perfectstorm Tue 11-Feb-14 00:18:52

He would be willing to throw money at the 'problem' and get paid help in for the weekend, but I don't think that's the point (does that make me unreasonable?!). He shouldn't pay his way out of new baby responsibilities.

Not remotely unreasonable, but I didn't mean for the weekend - I meant as an ongoing thing, for at least the first year. He's away half the time and you'll have two small children plus baby twins. That's a workload for a Hercules. If the money is there, can you get someone to help with the kids say two or three days a week?

I didn't mean paid help and he can go! The mere idea he should go is IMO completely beyond the pale. I meant, can you afford some help to ease the workload of that first year, given he's not there so much?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Uruguay Tue 11-Feb-14 01:14:08

Two children and twins does warrant extra help, even if he was there all the time. My friend says they didn't know what had hit them. Getting everyone fed and the housework done to even minimal standard was a feat for them.

Her husband is a lot like yours - often off on business trips/stag nights. She's always been pretty 'cool wife' about this - but I think even he wouldn't have tried this one on.

ShesADreamer Tue 11-Feb-14 01:25:19

I have twins plus two older DCs, no family help and, as these are my last babies and I'm a control freak, no paid help with the babies either.
What your DH is suggesting is so far from reality I wonder if the prospect of twins has sent him scurrying to plant his head in the sand.

I agree with you that paid help is not the solution. You say he's involved and on the ball with your older two when home, so assuming this level of twattishness is out of character, talk to him clearly and calmly about what you need.
He sounds a bit panicked - yes the window for arrival is larger with twins but most employers would understand that. Has he looked into it or is it just a kneejerk response?
The stag weekend might just be a hopeful punt of a request - thoughtless but not a serious crime.
Talk to him first. He may just need to wrap his head around what's going to happen.

ShesADreamer Tue 11-Feb-14 01:31:05

Congrats on your pregnancy btw, having twins has been amazing. Hard work but hugely enjoyable. Days where it goes right (and there will be more than you think) you will feel so fucking cool!

MrsMook Tue 11-Feb-14 06:03:35

YADNBU.

DH has had to go away with work at 8 weeks and I was just about recovered from the births to deal with 72hr on my own (CS and VBAC) by then. At 4 weeks both times, MiL was keeping the house running as I wasn't fit for it, and one baby (then older sibling) was plenty enough.

It sounds like he's too used to you coping in his absence, and hasn't deployed any imagination as to the likely realities of birth and early care for twins. Sucking up unavoidable work absence is one thing, but extending that for a frivolous jolly is totwlly unreasonable.

Would showing him the reaction to this thread give him a hint?

Tiredemma Tue 11-Feb-14 06:18:26

I had a 'surprise' baby in september. I also have a 10 year old and a 13 year old who help me out massively. DP works away a lot leaving me with all 3. Even I find this difficult- twins and two toddlers would kill me.

DP enjoys trips away with friends but even he would have known better than to suggest a 4 day stag do just a few weeks after DDs birth.

YADDDDNBU

IDontDoIroning Tue 11-Feb-14 08:33:23

A best man is there to support the marriage, you know - not just on the day, but on a lasting basis. That's why he's best man; it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'best man' your DH will be to his mate, but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic. What kind of guy accepts his best friend turning up to his wedding, then stag do and never says, 'here what about OP? aren't you supposed to be doing shit?'.

Or let's translate this
A husband is there to support the his wife the mother of his children you know - not just on the day she gives birth but on a lasting basis. That's why he's a husband and a dad it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'husband and father your DH will be to his you and your children but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic.

What kind of guy doesn't accepts his best friend turning up to his stag do because his WIFE IS HAVING TWINS.

Which version sounds best ?

Jess03 Tue 11-Feb-14 09:31:19

It's the implied judgment of him saying his female friends thought it was fine I'd find hard to forgive, a family man should have known better than to consult invalid opinions. Even with help, he's missing the point about responsibility. His dc come before some silly stag do. And what sort of people go on week long stag dos when they have families? All highly immature. Do get the paid help as well though, not just for this week.

MerryMarigold Netherlands Tue 11-Feb-14 10:24:09

* The problem now is I don't want to talk him out of this and him hold a grudge *

He would be very unreasonable to hold a grudge. The ideal scenario is that you talk him out of it, and he realises (possibly later) how important it was that he was there.

Show him this thread. You have been very unbiased in your posts and I can't see that he could find anything unreasonable in them.

In terms of the birth and paternity. His work sound very unreasonable too! Perhaps he is self employed, I don't know, but it is not unreasonable to put a 5 week window on 'no travel'. Surely someone else can do it.

Bartman Tue 11-Feb-14 11:01:57

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 11-Feb-14 11:02:48

Is it half term already?

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Tue 11-Feb-14 11:03:12

you're assuming he's old enough for school.

sazzlesb Tue 11-Feb-14 11:18:15

Having been partly in your position (ie, I had twins but not two others as well) and considering myself quite a capable person and someone who's pretty relaxed about DH going out/away for weekends etc, there is no way I would have let him go anywhere apart from work when they were 4 weeks old. Totally unreasonable of him to even consider it - would he be happy if the boot was on the other foot?

WoTmania Tue 11-Feb-14 11:23:10

YANBU in any way shape or form. I've got three close in age and would have been livid if DH thought this was on let alone if I was having twins.
How would he feel if you decided to bugger off for a weekend (after 5/6 days away with work) and left him with 4 week old twins and two slightly older DC? Just because you're a female and their mother doesn't turn you into some kid of Wonderwoman superhero figure capable of anything.
He needs to be supporting you not going off on a jolly drinking session with his mates. He's going to the wedding, that's the important bit. The stag do is just a fun extra (and don't get me started on stag 'weekends'; just go out for an evening!).

CSIJanner Tue 11-Feb-14 12:07:26

You don't want to talk him out of this and for him to hold a grudge? In the nicest possible way, what if you held the grudge after having 9 odd days alone with children and newborns? I'm not saying you will, but he's not considered either a) the newborns, b) the children, c) yourself or d) the timing.

On an aside, am I the only one thinking that as the best man, he could possible cater the stag so he's not too far from his family or even try to engineer it for another weekend?

Jux Tue 11-Feb-14 15:43:00

Mmmm, traditionally, the best man prganised the stag do. He would choose the date, venue, everything including the colour of paint used when groom is tied naked to a lamp-post for the night.

Of course he could change things. He doesn't want to atm and thinks because a few unnamed (probably mythical) girlies have said they wouldn't mind this situation of which they have no relevant experience, that it therefore is perfectly OK.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 11-Feb-14 16:41:56

I'm not sure how far along you are, or the ages of the other kids, but could you tell him how hurt you are by the idea he would even consider a) missing the birth b) fucking off for more than a week straight afterwards, and leave him alone with the children for a couple of nights?

I'd like to know, what's the most time he's ever had on his own with them?

Clockers Tue 11-Feb-14 16:59:04

Yanbu - this is outrageous - I have 17 month old twins and a 4 year old . My husband wouldn't have considered this and even got out of trips overseas with is work for the first few months. Ours were not good sleepers and although I was bf them he was up every night without fail to pace/try to settle one while I did the other.
Maybe he will feel differently when they are here?

BratinghamPalace Wed 12-Feb-14 16:19:11

Good point by someone up thread. As best man he sets the scene for the stag do and so can have it near home and for one evening. He may cop on when they are born and change it.
When they are born you NEED TO STAY IN BED. Do not get up, do not tidy, do not cook. He should do EVERYTHING. You will be feeding twin babies 24/7. You may feel great with a rush of hormones, do not do it. The more you do, the more will be expected of you.

wouldbemedic Wed 12-Feb-14 18:24:24

Idon'tdoironing....yes, your version sounds best. Aren't we supposed to be angry with the OP's DH though, not with each other? smile

twinsmonplusone Wed 12-Feb-14 19:59:39

Hi OP. I'm shocked at your husband's courage to suggest this - but since he has, you must say under no circumstances!, unless he is comfortable in paying for the night nanny that you will need.

You are both underestimating how difficult to care with twins are. Just because you already have two kids, it doesn't mean that it will be the same with two newborns with the same age! It will be far more difficult.

I had a c section, and although the surgery was fine, my recovery was difficult, my cut got infected so I wasn't well to look after my twin boys alone (or otherwise) in the first few weeks. My husband, my sister in law and a night nanny that I hired were the ones helping me. I couldn't have done it without the 3 of them.

Tell him to re-assess. Who cares about stag nights when you are having a baby or in your case, two???

Turniphead1 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:10:42

"He does help with the kids and the house when he's here". Whoop de fucking do. His house too? His children too? No?

The whole " oh he's very good" thing we women do about men who contribute to childcare and running a home drives me NUTS! No one ever comments "she's awfully good with the children" about a mother do they.

Time to put your foot down or you are going to be dealing with this crap for a long time to come. I know its hard when you are pregnant and vulnerable - but this is waaaaay out of order. And YANBU!

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