AIBU to be loathed and sad to turn down a job offer

(93 Posts)
BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 08:55:37

I'm just turning down a job offer for a job I really want, with a great firm, team seem lovely... because I can't afford the child care

Feel very deflated and sorry for the poor chaps that offered me the job any way. Feel like I've wasted their time.

Foxeym Mon 10-Feb-14 09:02:58

Yanbu I'm currently on maternity leave with a surprise DC3. My other 2DCs were at an age where I dropped them at school on my way to work and they got the bus home and were ok until I got in an hour later (teenagers) and it worked perfectly. I love my DC3 to bits but I also love my job and the independence I was getting back and now I don't know what to do? Looking into childcare, it's so expensive it will take my whole wage which just seems completely pointless. I know exactly how you feel.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 09:05:27

Dc1 is at school
Dc2 is at pre school (same as school hours)
Dc3 nursery bill and extras for other 2 would consume my whole wage.

I genuinely am gutted. It makes so sense.

It wouldn't consume your whole wage as a couple though and it is only for a short time. It may be worth it just to get back into work.

Peekingduck Mon 10-Feb-14 09:07:04

That's a real shame, but didn't you work out childcare before going for interview?

Do you have an OH who.could pay the bills? Sometimes the job is worth breaking even on in the short term so that you can have it for the long term.

HermioneWeasley Mon 10-Feb-14 09:11:35

Take the job! In a few years the Childcare will look v different and you'll be that bit further along in your career.

pinkdelight Mon 10-Feb-14 09:20:49

Can you not afford the childcare or will it just eat up all your wage? The two things are not the same. Childcare often eats up a whole wage but you put up with it for a couple of years till they're in school and you have then have your wage and a decent career on the go. Lots of people do it, and even lose money, using up savings etc, and it's worth it career-wise.

BikeRunSki Mon 10-Feb-14 09:29:13

I am just coming out of childcare = salary, although ds starting school didn't make a huge difference (school uniform, school dinners,school milk, wrap around care three days a week, holiday club, holidays during shook holidays all add up pretty quickly). But the way i see it - childcare costs are only going to go down and my pay is only going to go up.

gamerchick Mon 10-Feb-14 09:30:29

but you won't need child care for ever.... look at the long term thing.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Mon 10-Feb-14 09:30:43

It's not just childcare, by the time you account for clothes, travel costs and work food - as well as lost tax credits, many women are paying to work.

ajandjjmum Mon 10-Feb-14 09:31:43

Would it be worth it so that you get the position you want even if you end up with no money - at the moment! Then when DC3 gets older, you'll be where you want to be?

KirstyJC Mon 10-Feb-14 09:33:46

Have you checked if you are entitled to tax credits? With 3 kids in childcare you can get some help up to quite a generous combined income. Check the calculators - might be a nice surprise.

Also, if can afford to lose money for a while it would be worth it in the long run - childcare gets cheaper as time goes on.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Feb-14 09:33:53

Your childcare costs will reduce each year, you can also get childcare vouchers and may be eligible for other support

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 09:34:25

Could you not try a child minder instead of a nursery? Or is it still the same cost?

thonah Mon 10-Feb-14 09:40:38

Check whether the company does childcare vouchers - and of course your OH's employer as well. These won't pay the full cost but they do help as you don't pay tax & NI on them. Assuming you are not on your own childcare is a cost to the parents - not just the mother's responsibility.

Hoppinggreen Mon 10-Feb-14 09:51:03

Even at break even you should take the job - think long term!!

Take it. Think long term. Work with your partner to cut costs everywhere else, but dont turn down what you describe as a dream job.

MmeMorrible Mon 10-Feb-14 09:57:55

Agree with lauriefairycake and hoppingreen, take the job and work your way up the ladder. It will be worth it in the end, especially if you feel the company & team are a good fit for you.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Mon 10-Feb-14 10:01:18

I'd also think long term if possible.

I've just taken a new job that is a payrise and much better prospects but means that we need two extra days childcare for dc2 (he's nearly 4 in part time nursery). ATM I still work ft but compressed so only over 3 days but the new job is a typical 9-5.

It will cost us a fortune over the next few months - we'll be worse off, even with my payrise, because of the extra 2 days.

BUT in September ds2 goes full time - meaning childcare costs will more than half. So I've accepted it and we've sat down and cried worked out a new budget, knowing it will be soo worth it in September.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:12:09

I'd take the job!!!! As others have said, think about the long term picture. The longer you're out of employment the harder it is to get back into it. You may well feel like you are working for nothing but you are, you're working to get your confidence and skills back and when your childcare costs start to reduce too then things will seem much brighter!!!

Take it! Think long term as the others have said. Assuming you have a partner earning a wage too, you will be in the same position financially with you going back to work and your wage being eaten by childcare as you would staying home (as you would be the childcare so no wage) but career wise you'll be far better off going back to work now than waiting until you can afford the childcare. It's not just about the money.

Steben Mon 10-Feb-14 10:23:02

Yanbu I had to turn down a dream position last year because I just couldn't make if work with child care
- it's shit but you have to think everything happens for a reason and not give up - I am yet to find anything yet but an still plugging away - good luck OP

LucyLasticBand Mon 10-Feb-14 10:23:41

have you arleady turned it down op?

Quinteszilla Mon 10-Feb-14 10:26:47

Shortsighted to turn the job down.

Babyroobs Mon 10-Feb-14 10:31:59

I agree with others saying think long term. It is a few short years that childcare costs will be so high.Have you looked into the childcare voucher scheme to save some money? We had 4 dc's close together, and work around each other to minimise childcare costs ( I understand not everyone can do this), ten years on now the kids are older I'm really glad I managed to keep working as it would have been so hard to get back into my career if I had taken years out.

pussycatdoll Mon 10-Feb-14 10:34:22

Really hope you haven't already turned it down

If you have ring them back

Dream jobs don't often come up

Its very shortsighted to turn it down just because of childcare

TheArticFunky Mon 10-Feb-14 10:34:36

It's disappointing. I was in this situation a few years back. I applied for a job which was advertised as being £16k per annum for a 3 day week. It turns out that it was £16k pro rata which was completely ludicrous. The train fare and childcare bill was higher than the wages and as dh's salary was already eaten up by the mortgage and household expenses I couldn't get the figures to add up. In my situation I think I got a lucky escape as they were taking the mickey with that salary.

Pigsmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 10:35:17

YABU not to have looked at childcare costs vs salary before going through the application process.

If you could get childcare vouchers would it help? My and DH use them and it's really helped.

TheArticFunky Mon 10-Feb-14 10:36:39

It isn't shortsighted if taking the job will mean their outgoings are higher than their incomings.

The OP hasn't said what the situation is with her partners income so it's difficult to comment without knowing their full financial situation.

LucyLasticBand Mon 10-Feb-14 10:38:03

i have had to give up jobs that just didnt pay after childcare.

i regret one that didnt pay much but i was shortsighted.
eventually I got another, when my situation was different. i am sure you situaiton will change. all hope is not lost.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:36

You should definitely take it.

I was in a similar position many years ago - 3 children in full-time childcare at one point - therefore massive childcare costs. However, I'm assuming you have a partner (apologies if not) and childcare is a shared cost so for the sake of maintaining your career and future prospects, you need to look at the long-term picture.

You might not get another chance like this again.

tellmeonasunday Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:56

Take it. Think of the childcare as a cost to come out of the next 30 years of work, not just these few years.

Chunderella Mon 10-Feb-14 11:05:33

Are you totally certain you can't afford the childcare? Eg have you checked eligibility for vouchers and childcare tax credits? Would you consider cheaper provision, if there is any? Have you and DH looked at compressed hours, working a weekend day instead of a weekday? Could either employer offer any more flexibility? I would want to make very sure I had done all this before deciding my dream job was impossible.

Lonelynessie Mon 10-Feb-14 11:06:03

I have just accepted a really good job, too good to turn down type of job. The childcare will be more than I earn, but it's not forever, I'm lucky that I have a very supportive partner and actually, I want to work. I have been trying to get a job for 4 years now and I know this opportunity won't come round again. The opportunities for our future are now amazing, all because I can have a great career. Childcare fees are not forever.

PerpendicularVince Mon 10-Feb-14 11:14:13

I would take the job. Looking long term, you'll be back in the workforce in a great firm in a job you really want to do, so your prospects are good.

If you break even after childcare it's worth it. Check benefit entitlements, you may find you will get some assistance with it.

Please don't turn the job down until you've looked into it further.

I think I earned about £5 a week when I had 2 DCs in FT childcare
It paid off though, If I had stayed out of work until they were in school, I would not be in the position I am now IYSWIM

Tiredemma Mon 10-Feb-14 11:18:04

My friend 'takes home' about £20 a week after childcare- for a very stressful, demanding job- but she saw the long term benefits.

It isn't necessarily short sighted to turn it down. Op I get what you mean. I'm sorry.

There's always people who suggest sucking it up presumably because they had to and misery loves company. If she says it isn't affordable, maybe support and commiserate. Sometimes the op is right. It just doesn't work.

flowery Mon 10-Feb-14 11:21:17

If it would "consume your whole wage" as opposed to leaving you with a major deficit, then take the job.

Oblomov Mon 10-Feb-14 11:22:37

I agree with everyone. OP please don't be shortsighted.
Is this almost a dream job OP? Your OP made it sound so.

gnushoes Mon 10-Feb-14 11:24:39

nanny or nanny share?

justtoomessy Mon 10-Feb-14 11:25:29

Take the job as I expect your company will do childcare vouchers reducing the bill you think you are going to pay plus in a few years you'll childcare bill drop and your pay should have gone up.

Better to take this job now than leave it a few years when you'll have been out of the workforce even longer.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:25:57

There's always people who suggest sucking it up presumably because they had to and misery loves company

I don't get your point or why taking a short-term hit equates to misery loving company.

Dahlen Mon 10-Feb-14 11:27:30

IF you can find any way of making it work - even if it means running your household at a loss for a while - I'd stick it out. It will be worth it when you come out the other side.

I appreciate that if running at a loss means being unable to afford to eat this isn't really an option, but if it means struggling but getting by, try.

Congratulations on being offered the position anyway.

Gladvent Mon 10-Feb-14 11:27:41

Tell them you'd love to accept but not at that salary as your skills and experience are worth more.

ShedWood Mon 10-Feb-14 11:41:07

I took a job a couple of years ago that after childcare meant my take home was practically £0.

Yes, it was difficult, and no not everyone has a partner whose salary can cover mortgage, bills and other expenses, but it was so worth it for me.

Now my kids are in school and the childcare costs have dropped dramatically, and more improtantly I have a great job which I simply wouldn't be qualified to do now if I'd spent another couple of years at home.

Childcare vouchers, swopping favours with friends (I used to help in a friend's bar in the evening in exchange for her watching my kids in the day time) using your holiday separately from your partners to cover school holidays (dull, but do-able) and you'll be so busy the first year will fly by.

Think about whether this is just a job, or a future career as if it's just a job then it needs to cover the bills, but if it's your future career then it's probably worth the sacrifice today to have a potentially decades long career.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 11:47:07

I've emailed and said I have done the figured and I would be worse off to accept the job. He's offered me another 1k on top basic and says he expects I will earn more in time. I've asked what he would expect me to be earning in a year and if he would consider flexible time until September.

Imo they are taking the piss offering 17k for a FT job 9 - 5.30 but it's a sales job in an industry I like and the team are lovely and flexible and local to me.

I so wish I could find some one (like MIL) to help a day a week etc but it's not an option.

I would have all 3 at different settings and x urgently DP would be unable to help regards pick up and drop offs so I'm struggling to see how I can humanly do it all.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:51:08

Is it 17K basic with commission/bonus on top?

Why can't your partner help out with pick up and drop offs?

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 11:54:34

Because he works long hours and has an hour commute

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 11:55:52

No commission but he says pay increase with performance so 17k would be my starting salary

puddingsforsandy Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:03

But isn't that what child tax credit is for? It's been a long time for me but when I used private nursery donkey years ago, I received child tax which went on the fees. I did have to top up but help was there.

If you're in London, I don't think the salary is very good but with progression, it may srill be worth it.

Hope everything works out

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:06:05

I'd ask your partner to speak to his boss about having flexible hours so he can drop off/pick up a few times a week.

KirstyJC Mon 10-Feb-14 12:25:34

Don't know what your partner's salary is like, but it would be worth checking here www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/people-advise-others/entitlement-tables/work-and-child/index.htm. It is a rough guide but if you earn 40k between you and have 3 kids in childcare you can still get about £5k per year. You can earn up to 50k and still get just under £1k tax credits.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 12:29:05

Dp earns 43k

IrrelevantDiscourse Mon 10-Feb-14 12:37:16

I don't think women (or whoever has been off work) should see their salary, or the lower salary, as covering the childcare.

If you both work, you pay for childcare so you both can work. Your work is important, it's not just an amusement that only matters if it covers the childcare. It should cover a proportion of the childcare commensurate with what you earn. DP's salary should cover the other proportion.

Thinking that the woman's salary covers the childcare is tantamount to thinking that if a couple have children, they are the woman's responsibility.

Go back to work if you want to and if it can be made to work financially for your family, with both of you sharing the costs.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:42:03

Dp earns 43k

Even more reason to take it! You'd be earning �60K between you, plenty to pay for a few years of childcare.

What's his reaction to this?

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 10-Feb-14 12:42:37

Have you looked into whether one or both of you could get childcare vouchers? DH and I both did for a while which saved us about £1000 a year.

This is a short term hit, and in my view would be worth it if it really is a job that you'd enjoy. There's also your pension to think about.

Retropear Mon 10-Feb-14 12:50:42

What Jean said.

£43k and another wage is more than enough to pay for childcare,perhaps you need to cut back elsewhere.

They're your children,somebody will have to care for them,you knew that before you had them.If you're a sahp you take a hit,if you go out to work you take a hit.If you don't want to take a hit you save beforehand.

It is temporary.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Mon 10-Feb-14 12:51:16

Even more reason to take it! You'd be earning �60K between you, plenty to pay for a few years of childcare

That's a big assumption.

Our earnings are roughly that - actually we're probably better off than the op because the earnings are more evenly split meaning we just escape either of us paying higher rate tax.

We have 2dc, one in full time school and one in part time. We are ok ATM with childcare costs - the voucher scheme is a big help. BUT we would struggle massively if there was another under-school age dc thrown into the mix. I'm not sure we could stand the cc cost tbh.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:32

In fact, just done a rough calculation.

If we were to have another baby now, our cc costs would more than double. We couldn't do it...at least not until both dc were in full time.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:56:33

Interested to see what the OP's husband's take on this is and if it has been made clear that childcare will be her responsibility.

FraidyCat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:08:20

Thinking that the woman's salary covers the childcare is tantamount to thinking that if a couple have children, they are the woman's responsibility.

There is a choice to be made between both working or one staying home. It would almost always be better for family finances for the lower-earner to be the one who stays home, if that option is chosen. So the cost of childcare is a cost of the lower-earner working, which must be set against the benefit of the lower-earner working. The lower-earner is more likely to be a woman, so more often than not it is correct to set the cost of child-care against the woman's salary.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 13:47:33

Our CC cost would be in excess of £1100 a month

That doesn't cover finding some one willing or able to have dc2 between 3-6 5 days a week. There is no child minder etc locally we could use.

Dp said he would cover £500 of the Cc cost

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 13:49:37

Dp said he would cover �500 of the Cc cost

Why??? That's less than half! He earns 72% of the total income so should pay the same portion of the childcare.

I posted a very similar thread not so long ago. It was more than just the extra childcare costs that stopped me accepting the offer: it just wasn't right. Of course DH would have contributed some of the extra cost - that's the way we do things - but ultimately I wanted it to be worth my while (my current position is) and it wasn't.

I was very down about it all, and still am a bit.

So have some cake and a brew and know that you can't win them all.

Steben Mon 10-Feb-14 13:56:26

Sometimes it just isn't worth it - when I turned down a position it wasn't just child are costs it was the pick ups drop offs that I couldn't feasibly work out. It's gutting but at the same time if it's not right it's not right.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 14:07:56

It's both the logistics and the money

I just feel gutted. I suppose I should apply around and find some thing more part time.

Fyi the salary wasn't disclosed till the interview

MintTeaForMe Mon 10-Feb-14 14:26:43

Can't work out whether you do actually want the job or not OP. Your original post says you feel gutted for the company for turning the offer down - then later on you say they're taking the piss by offering you 17k - and then you say it would be a logistical nightmare to have a job anyway.
If what you're actually saying is that you'd like your dream job to come with a massive salary AND a mil to help out with childcare I would say yep, we'd all quite like that - but it's not going to be handed to you on a plate. Why don't you take the position, focus your energies on raising your earnings by doing a great job (you say 17k is a basic salary), and see the short term pain as an investment in your career?
FWIW I work full time and I pay to work. But actually my partner earns more than me, wants to support me and makes it possible for me to work by contributing his fair share to our childcare costs.
Why is your dp only offering five hundred quid? They're his children too.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 10-Feb-14 14:33:41

Dp said he would cover £500 of the Cc cost

Well, that's big of him hmm. Are they not his kids too? You need to pool your income and look at the childcare cost as just another household cost. The way you put it, it sounds like he doesn't want you to work as it'll impact on his life too much.

I think you should take the job and look for a childminder. They must want you as they're willing to increase the salary to get you - this opportunity might not come up again. Stick with it and your salary will go up in the next few years, while your CC fees should drop.

Sallycinnamum Mon 10-Feb-14 14:37:56

OP, almost my whole salary goes on childcare but in 2 years time my youngest will be at school so the costs will go down and my salary will go up.

The job market is absolutely brutal and will continue to be for a long time yet. I have 15 years experience in my field and it's taken 6 months for me to find a new job after my contract ended last year.

At some interviews there were 10 other candidates. This was unheard of five years ago. I would've just walked into another job, no problem.

Please think long and hard about turning this job down. It's depressing spending so much on childcare but it won't be forever.

minibmw2010 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:41:42

I think you need to consider the long term. Eventually all children will be in school and you'll be wishing you'd taken the job. I think it's a fact of life (sadly) that a lot of Mums now work to keep their kids in Nursery, and that the money only becomes available once those costs are gone. It's not great, it's bloody unfair frankly, but it's just the way it seems to be right now. I think unless you were actually out of pocket after your work and costs, then you should take it.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 14:42:48

Your 'D' P needs a boot up the arse tbh!

He needs either to support you by working out a way to do his fair share, or paying proportionately his fair share of the childcare bill.

Entitled To.com may help you see if you'd be entitled to CTC to help with costs, but he needs to man the fuck up and do his bit.

LucyLasticBand Mon 10-Feb-14 17:01:34

take it op,
you know you want to,
And they offered you more!
that's good.

you can always resign after 6 months trial.

Laquitar Mon 10-Feb-14 19:24:09

I thought you are divorced for a minute. Why does he pay 500???
Do you buy seperate loaf of bread and each pays for x slices eaten?

The interesting and positive thing though is that they offered you an extra 1K.

HappySeven Mon 10-Feb-14 20:22:07

Have you looked at the childcare vouchers you can get? If you both did it you can have £486 straight from your salary without having to pay tax or NI on it.

How gallant of him to offer 500 towards childcare.

What is your financial set up at the minute - do you have access to money? The money he earns?

InsanityandBeyond Mon 10-Feb-14 21:02:27

YANBU. Sometimes with childcare costs, it's not a case of 'breaking even' and unless you are lucky enough to have a partner who's salary covers ALL the household expenses, sometimes it IS unaffordable.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with twins (the twins bit was unexpected!) whilst in a job I really liked and with excellent prospects for progression. We already had a DD in school and had planned for 'just one more'. With nursery fees, afterschool care and travel, we would have 'made' around £400 a month from working full time. Another baby's nursery fees at £800 a month (discounted), meant that we would be paying OUT £400 a month and we just could not afford it, let alone with an extra mouth to feed/nappies/clothing etc to pay. Finances were joint anyway and there was no question of DH paying half and me paying half. The numbers still ended up at the same figure!

Sometimes being a SAHM is the only option.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:28

No I don't have access to his money

He has his account and I have my own

Currently my only income is child benefit and maintenance for my eldest

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 22:07:21

could you work 9.30 - 2.30? Avoid paying for wrap round care. CM charge by the hour - but once over 2 preschool is affordable and dc2 will have free hours -make it the preschool next to older dc's school for logistics then if you and dh split the holidays you can avoid a lot of holiday care.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 22:10:32

ps find a cm that does drop offs / pick ups at older dc preschool so you can meet them there when dropping/ picking up dc2 or one closer to home to make drop off and pick up easier.

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:13:24

Oh boy. Bits, I don't want to upset you, but seeing as you have three children together and are a family, you not having access to 'his' money is really, really not good. It seems very controlling and that he holds a lot of the power - you should be an equal team.

Asides from that though, I'd seriously consider taking the job on the basis that your earnings will likely go up over time, and your childcare go down. Investment in the future and all that.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 22:14:12

I'd be seeing a lawyer in your shoes. You'll be much better off when he's having to pay a fair rate of maintenance

It saddens me what some people put up with.

PerpendicularVince Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:23

Essentially you're sacrificing your career and future for a man who doesn't treat you like an equal.

ihavenonameonhere Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:36

Wait, are they his kids???

You should have joint accounts and stuff surely??

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 22:24:50

No joint account

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:33:55

How's your relationship when money is the conversation topic in general? How do you do your family finances? Can you give us more info? Don't want to generalise, but from what you've said so far the setup seems a bit unbalanced.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:34:28

Your DP sounds like a prick.

Why not ask for a higher basic salary and lower commission? At least you could cover the CC and know it won't cost you money to work.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:11

Panda - we don't really talk about money

kungfupannda Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:55

Childcare is a family expense. As a family, longterm, you would be better off with you earning. Your issue isn't the childcare - it's your husband being a tit.

AlbertoFrog Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:17

Can I just say, we as a household don't have a joint account (but we do have a joint credit card). Joint accounts are not essential for a partnership, however, talking about money is.

I went part time when DS came along and my share of the household bills was reduced while DH took on the larger share.

OP you really need to sit down with your partner and discuss this. Good luck.

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:56:11

You don't necessarily need a joint account, but you do need to talk about how your money is worked out. Have you talked to your partner about the job?

KeatsiePie Mon 10-Feb-14 23:51:12

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure This made me snort with laughter.

But ... so you know this arrangement with the money isn't right, then. Not that you have to have a joint account, but it's not reasonable for the childcare to be only your problem. If you and DP sit down and discuss and then decide together to take childcare out of only your income, okay, that's your decision as a couple, but he can't just decide alone that he'll kindly contribute $x and the rest is on you. No more than you could say "Hey DP, I've decided to go back to work. Childcare will cost $1100. I've decided I'll pay $50 of that, the rest is your problem."

I think you should take the job. It sounds like it will make you really happy.

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