Feel like I have offended my MIL

(40 Posts)
bengal38 Sun 09-Feb-14 23:40:19

MIL always has asks if I have everything ready for work and if kids/uniforms are ready for school. I have up to now in a nice way been saying to her yes.

Tonight when she rang and asked the same thing I asked her why she always asks me the same question every week. I admit I was abit abrupt when I spoke back to her. She seemed to take offence and said she was just making conversation. Then she said ok and put the phone down on me.

Was I wrong to answer her back the way I did?

SeaSickSal Sun 09-Feb-14 23:43:18

It was a bit rude, she is just making conversation because she's calling on a Sunday. She probably doesn't have much to say to you and that's the only thing she can think of she knows you will have been doing. YABU and rather rude.

Finola1step Sun 09-Feb-14 23:43:37

What a strange thing to ask.

No idea if you were abrupt or if YABU. But does your MIL ask lots of questions about mundane things of you and others?

deakymom Sun 09-Feb-14 23:43:45

probably a bit harsh ring her back just for a chat tell her you were stressed maybe?

bodygoingsouth Sun 09-Feb-14 23:44:06

she's making conversation and is probably hurt. if she's generally nice then apologise.

BerylStreep Sun 09-Feb-14 23:44:42

I suppose it all depends on your relationship, but it does sound to me a very patronising question to ask every week. Putting you in the position if child rather than adult.

But then I wouldn't be having weekly chats with my MIL on the phone anyway.

She sounds childish hanging up the phone. I would ignore and if you speak to her next time just say ' oh I don't know what happened last time we spoke, we seemed to get cut off!' She is expecting you or DH to come crawling to her now, I really wouldn't hand her that amount of power.

Finola1step Sun 09-Feb-14 23:46:08

A quick call to apologise could be in order.

But I do have one question. Have you got the work stuff and uniforms ready for tomorrow?

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 09-Feb-14 23:47:25

Yes, YABU. I get that It pusses you off, it would me. But there's no need to be abrupt, is there.
It's one of those ice breakers to her, obviously. A bit like on the Royle Family where Barbara always asks people what they've had for tea. At least she's trying (probably in both ways).

Bubblegoose Sun 09-Feb-14 23:58:28

Does she call just to ask these questions?

usernameunknown Mon 10-Feb-14 00:02:21

Maybe you should look at your past posts wondering how you have upset other family members, your children's friends, work colleagues.

There has to come a point in your life when you realise it is you and not everyone else with the problem!

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 00:02:45

Op what a strange thing for her to ask every week....

Elderberri Mon 10-Feb-14 00:08:51

Is she northern?

I don't think it's weirded at all.

I ask my mum is she all ready for work, I ask her what she had for tea.

She asks me similar, it's a way of seeing if you are alright, i think it's a way of caring.

We often say , are you all ready for tomorrow.

ladymariner Mon 10-Feb-14 00:09:36

My mum always used to ring and ask the same sort of questions, she certainly didn't anything by it. I think it's just something to say, perhaps she feels she doesn't have much else in common with you so asking about the kids is common ground.

I would ring her back and clear the air....pick your battles carefully and that, to me, is not worth falling out over.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 10-Feb-14 00:15:18

OP you asked this question this time last year grin

Does she really ring every day?

innisglas Mon 10-Feb-14 00:17:26

I myself can be a bit hopeless making conversation and ask all kinds of stupid things

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 00:21:12

Sort it out.... or you'll be back next year asking the same again....confused

JohnCusacksWife Mon 10-Feb-14 00:21:29

She sounds like my MIL who can think of absolutely nothing to say to me that doesn't involve laundry, housework and how the children are getting on at school. She means well but we're v different people and she just doesn't know what to say to me. She's probably just trying to make conversation but I don't think you need to apologise for getting shirty with her. It gets v frustrating listening to the same old thing every time.....

BillyBanter Mon 10-Feb-14 00:24:47

It just sounds like a set conversation piece/filler. Like saying 'blah, sunday night, eh? All ready for the week ahead again?' Most of our weeks are much the same as other weeks and there are few unique conversational topics.

Unless she tends to be a bit critical or suspects you're a bit hopeless and disorganised, it's probably worth calling her tomorrow to say sorry and explain.

perplexedpirate Mon 10-Feb-14 00:41:53

My mil does this constantly. She thinks we are shit parents and she has to check up on everything we do.
It is wearing and neither if us have much to do with her if we can help it.
Could you be 'out' when she calls?

AwfulMaureen Mon 10-Feb-14 00:47:47

OP my Mum asks me things like that all the time. "What are you having for dinner?" "Have you ironed the uniforms?" it's boring but it's not a test...it's a specifically working class way of communicating.

Comes from the time when finding dinner was a struggle and preparing uniforms and clothes in general was a struggle due to things being threadbare.

I can't bring myself to tell my mum "The uniforms are made of tefal and so don't need ironing..." I just say "Yes..all done....what are you watching on telly tonight?"

CotedePablo Mon 10-Feb-14 00:52:16

The poor woman's just making conversation. And you were terribly rude. She deserves an apology.

MsMarvel Mon 10-Feb-14 00:57:18

I know it's not really relevant to the thread, but crickey, you don't have post a lot about dramas in your life.

Had a wee look through previous posts and for the first time ever from doing that, I got totally bogged down with the. Repetition of the same dramas repeating and replaying over and over again!

CoffeeTea103 Mon 10-Feb-14 00:58:41

You asked this exact question last year this time. Very weirdhmm

DaleyBump Mon 10-Feb-14 01:09:18

That is incredibly weird. It seems your children have stayed the same age for two years.

Topaz25 Mon 10-Feb-14 01:09:31

She probably was just making conversation but I can see how asking every week would get on your nerves, as if she is checking up on you or reminding you like you might forget. Apologise for being short with her this time and next time just change the subject or make a joke out of it.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 01:13:31

All a bit bizzare blush

MsMarvel Mon 10-Feb-14 01:16:08

I never know whether bizarre stuff like this is the sort of thing you should report, or just back away slowly and pretend you never saw anything...? hmm

Topaz25 Mon 10-Feb-14 01:25:41

Oops I didn't RTFT. Could it be some kind of technical problem?

There's nothing wrong with her children's ages. You need to pay attention to the dates and the fact that their birthdays are at the end of the year, if you're going to stalk someone's previous posts.

Also, so what if her MIL is annoying her in the same way one year on? I know mine is.

rumbleinthrjungle Mon 10-Feb-14 09:43:21

My DM is like this. "What are you eating?" "Where are you going?" and if in the house, "What are you cooking?" and if a parcel arrives, "What's that?"

The one time I did actually with a parcel say in exasperation, "Mum you really don't want to know!" (and she didn't! blush) she was quite taken aback, and I realised the questions are mostly reflexive and habitual script for her rather than the interrogation it sounds like. Still sometimes feels like interrogation.

LoonvanBoon Mon 10-Feb-14 09:47:32

I think whether you were being unreasonable / rude really depends on how / why your MIL asks these questions - & it's totally impossible for a stranger to gauge that from the info. in your post.

Your MIL may indeed just be making conversation & be the kind of person who asks trivial questions / happily discusses mundane day-to-day matters with everybody. In that case, you were being a bit snappy.

OTOH this kind of question could be an implicit criticism or suggestion that you're disorganized / need help from your MIL to get yourself sorted for the coming week. Only you know if that's the way she generally is. If so, you're probably NBU & if your abrupt response stops her asking the same question next week, then that's a good result, isn't it?

She also sounds childish for putting the 'phone down on you. She could easily have said: " I was just making conversation" or "There's no need to snap" if she felt offended. Hanging up on you seems very OTT in the circumstances.

Whatever the scenario, I can't help wondering why you need to talk to your MIL on the 'phone quite so often, as she obviously irritates you. Doesn't your DH /DP talk to his own mother? Can't you cut down on the number of ''phone calls?

If you don't want to have this kind of relationship with your MIL, then start distancing yourself a bit & stop being responsible for all the communication. Much better that way than everyone getting on each other's nerves.

Morgause Mon 10-Feb-14 09:49:58

YWBU and rude. The poor woman was only making conversation.

SnookyPooky Mon 10-Feb-14 11:26:00

I remember this being posted last year too.
I don't speak to my MIL, I leave it to DH.

Pigeonhouse Mon 10-Feb-14 12:21:16

I think what would piss me off (and which is possibly pissing the OP off?) is the presumption that getting the children ready for school and washing and ironing their uniforms was somehow their mother's responsibility. (I'm assuming that if there's a MiL in the scenario, presumably the OP has a husband, and she's mentioned that she herself has a job, so it seems a bit 1950s to imagine it's her DiL's sole responsibility to bustle around making sure everyone is ready for the week, rather than it being shared...?

In my MiL's case, that kind of repeated question would be intended to suggest that I should be doing whatever it is she is asking about, because she thinks my husband does far too much of the cooking and housework. She discounts the fact that I have a demanding full-time job and both of us muck in with our toddler and cooking, while doing as little housework as can be got away with...

I don't mind her thinking it, tbh, but it strikes me as quite strange that after all these years, she still obviously wishes I was an entirely different kind of woman, deferential, domestic and 'bubbly', keen on football, with four strapping sons whose football kit I am continually washing...

(Gosh, that got long... grin)

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 12:26:30

bloody hell there's a lot of overthinking about a casual remark in a phone call.

op she's probably as bored as you are with your conversations. let your dh take the call.

I think it's like talking about the weather, innocuous and trivial but at least she's trying to chat.

You on the other hand snapped and now look stupid.

Littleen Mon 10-Feb-14 13:31:39

My gran used to do that to everyone, and still is. (She still nags me to put more clothes on) - and I reckon she will do when my baby arrives. Now my gran does it because she's a very controlling lady, and does not respect others, but in your case it sounds more like a form of "how are you? What's up with the kids?" kind of question smile Annoying, I'm sure, but harmless. I think you owe her a little apology, and just bear with her smile

ScarlettMantleplume Mon 10-Feb-14 13:34:48

I did a double take when I read this and checked the date twice. Not just me then!

MimiSunshine Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:23

My mum did this, i haven't lived at home for over 10 years. Managed to get up, dressed and out in all that time (and before) but would still ask me (usually on a Sunday night) if i had sorted out my clothes for work.
It used to bug me and i felt like i had to justify why i hadn't (its not difficult to pick out a suit dress and jacket in the morning).
In the end i just started to say no and see if she asked why not, usually just said 'Oh'.

I think its partly conversation and partly not being able to kick the parental tick list. When i called her last night after 8pm to say hi and mentioned that i was about to go out for a drink with a friend i could practically hear her thoughts of "on a Sunday, are you ready for work?" down the phone, but thankfully she has seemed to learn that its not for her to comment on

remotecontrols Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:24

I think you should say I don't know, DH is doing it grin

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