Ex H is going on honeymoon to the same place we went

(63 Posts)

We were together for 22 years, married for 16. We went for a 'holiday of a lifetime' for our honeymoon to the Maldives. It was lovely. We had talked about going back on our 25th anniversary.

But he left 2 1/2 years ago for the OW, who he married yesterday. The DSs tell me they are going on honeymoon to the Maldives. hmm confused

IABU to be a little bit... surprised that out of all of the holiday destinations in the world, they've chosen that one? I may be a little bitter, but even so, that is a bit odd, isn't it?

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sun 09-Feb-14 15:45:56

Odd that hes basically gone for your 25th anniversary, but bh just shows a lack of imagination

TSSDNCOP Sun 09-Feb-14 15:47:16

Agree total lack of imagination.

Do you think she knows

<shit stirs whilst whistling nonchalantly>

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 09-Feb-14 15:48:10

I was my ex's second wife, both honeymoons in York.
He's just got married again and guess where they honeymooned? grin

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 09-Feb-14 15:49:41

Well there are hundreds of islands across the different atolls so it could be a different resort with a different feel? And it is a popular honeymoon destination....

But if it is the exact same resort -

Either he has a total lack of imagination or perhaps it's a slightly vindictive way to rub over your history and replace with OW's own.

Which sounds plenty insecure, doesn't it?

flowery Sun 09-Feb-14 15:49:44

Perhaps she's always wanted to go there.
Perhaps he couldn't think of anywhere else exotic and special, knew he'd like it there so plumped for that.

oneearedrabbit Sun 09-Feb-14 15:50:30

I share your pain EllenJane.
Myex left me after 16 years for the OW and guess where he took her for the first "public" date when he took her to meet his parents for the first time? yes, the only smart restaurant in the area where he had taken me for first expensive meal out 22 years before.
These men are so predictable.

Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:50:32

I can understand why the timing and location of his honeymoon would upset you but maybe it's just his favourite holiday destination and he wanted to go again. Even if this was planned in some way to get at you don't let it. Just be glad he's someone else's problem now.

Gosh, maybe she doesn't know! But half their wedding guests did. It's not like they've been holding themselves back on the holiday front. In the last 2 years they've been to Malaysia, Turkey, America (twice), Greece, South of France, skiing in Switzerland, Belgium, Lake District, Pembrokeshire.

Daykin Sun 09-Feb-14 15:52:15

I met a couple on holiday who had stayed in the same hotel a couple of times before. The bloke said he had first been for his honeymoon - then revealed that it was with his 1st wife, not his 2nd wife who was sitting next to him at the time.
I was like this smile on the outside and shock on the inside. It was a nice but ordinary Spanish tourist hotel - nothing special. Weirdos. I felt sorry for the 2nd wife because she was still with the man who seemed crashingly insensitive.

I'm sure he hasn't thought of me at all, and it is an amazing honeymoon destination, but, even so...

I would never do it, not for a honeymoon. Surely he'll keep being reminded of the first time?

Then again, I would never had had an affair in the first place, so we are obviously more different from each other than I knew.

Preciousbane Sun 09-Feb-14 15:54:39

Well lets hope its not the exact same hotel and he gets confused and calls her by your name because that would not be at all funny wink

Fantissue Sun 09-Feb-14 15:57:15

The Maldives are an unbelievably popular honeymoon destination so I'm at a loss as to how it's surprising they're going there. I went there, my sister went there, her husband had been there in the past.

I bet they're also having cake too!

Surely the Seychelles or Bali or Caribbean would have been better? Mind you, it's her 4th wedding so maybe she was limited in destinations. grin

Yes, I believe she is fond of wedding cake! wink

Oldraver Sun 09-Feb-14 16:08:15

Are you not tempted to say (in your head, not out loud) "oh the Maldives, you will so love it. We did"

lifesgreatquestions Sun 09-Feb-14 16:11:37

It's awkward isn't it? My ex replicated our wedding, but I know it's the style he liked so while I was uncomfortable i'm fairly sure it's just how he liked to do things and not a comment on our time together.

HamletsSister Sun 09-Feb-14 16:14:49

We used to run an hotel and this is surprisingly common. We used to have ex-wives ringing up to try to find out if HE had booked in to THEIR special place. I think some men just lack imagination or, more often, think of a location as belonging to them, rather than part of a couple's history.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 09-Feb-14 16:19:24

This made me laugh. How tacky. I bet his new bride feels ^ever* so special.

It makes me wonder if she knows, because if I were her I would be concerned that he hadn't 'gotten over' you if he wanted to go on honeymoon there.

I am with a man who is divorced, and I would like to think we have quite a healthy relationship, and this kind of thing would just seem uncomfortable for both of us.

Innogen Sun 09-Feb-14 16:25:49

I wouldn't worry about this at all.

He just likes the Maldives, and new wife does too. It's not that surprising that the two women who married him would have similar taste, is it?

I do think some men lack any imagination or sensitivity. I went out with a guy who was always taking me to places or suggesting holidays he had been on with his ex wife just because, I suppose, he liked them. If I asked if it was somewhere he had been with her he would readily say yes and not see the problem. He was just an unimaginative soul with the sensitivity of a brick. I'd suggest your ex husband is the same! wink

Wossname Sun 09-Feb-14 16:29:24

They both sound lovely- affairs, multiple marriages- duplicate honeymoon sounds about the right level really smile

Innogen Sun 09-Feb-14 16:30:16

It's also very likely that the bloke just hasn't put two and two together.

IneedAwittierNickname Sun 09-Feb-14 16:50:08

*j*

IneedAwittierNickname Sun 09-Feb-14 16:50:52

Oops, sorry blush no idea how or why I posted that!

todoaboutnothing Sun 09-Feb-14 16:54:02

It's a bit tacky isn't it? I was once dating somebody who had been married and spoke about getting married in the same place etc... I called that one off quickly grin

caruthers Sun 09-Feb-14 17:50:27

My ex stayed in the same room as myself and my new wife when she got married again.

This was a vague hotel that wouldn't hit your radar and it wasn't a particularly posh one.

I found that really weird.

Badgerlady Sun 09-Feb-14 17:54:56

My DH's ex -wife got remarried to the man she had an affair with in the same church that she married DH in. He was pleased she was remarrying but a bit hmm about the venue.

I'd have to restrain myself if that were me, I'd be saying "Bless, course when we had our honeymoon there exh wasn't quite so bald. Or quite so fat. Course, he doesn't have to pay so much maintenance now you've married him so that's something. Well, til you divorce again..." hmm

It is a bit hmm isn't it? I wonder as we both loved the Maldives so much, he wants to make it 'his and her place' now? I'm not fussed. I'm taking the opportunity of having the DC for the whole of half term to go to Gran Canaria for a week. Cheaper in Feb! smile

Littleen Sun 09-Feb-14 19:18:57

Men are just very weird smile

nkf Sun 09-Feb-14 19:21:14

It's just lack of imagination probably. He can't think of anywhere else.

MuttonCadet Sun 09-Feb-14 19:26:09

We specifically didn't go to a certain country because DH had previously honeymooned there.

She'd hated it, and it's somewhere I've always wanted to go, but even so, not on the honeymoon.

cashmiriana Sun 09-Feb-14 19:56:22

My FIL has been married twice.

He'll never forget his wedding anniversary - it's the same date.

scantilymad Sun 09-Feb-14 20:20:15

I don't think some men think that deeply about things. He probably thought "oh I had a lovely holiday there once, I fancy another

scantilymad Sun 09-Feb-14 20:20:51

(dammit) ...one".

Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:21:37

Not quite the same thing but BIL has been engaged twice and had exactly the same red and black theme for both engagement parties, right down to using the fake flowers left over from the first party as table decorations for the second. I think in his case it was his personal taste and he didn't realise how it looked. Many guests noticed and commented (to each other not the couple). I don't know if his second fiancee picked up on it but they're no longer together.

fairylightsatchristmas Sun 09-Feb-14 22:27:04

the Maldives (whilst still expensive) is much cheaper than the Seychelles, Mauritius etc and as others have said, it is an incredibly popular destination. I have been to some of the same places with DH2 as I did with DH1, because they are MY favourite places and yes, whilst I do inevitably spend a few wistful moments, I was with DH1 for 10 years and we went to a lot of places, I don't want all of them to be off limits now. DH2 knows if it is a place I've been before and I take care not to start every sentence with "when DH1 and I were here.." but otherwise, they're just places.

I wouldn't expect it to be 'off limits' but they do have a long haul holiday every year so why for their honeymoon?

Lambzig Sun 09-Feb-14 22:45:05

I think I would find it funny, so little imagination. I bet she

Lambzig Sun 09-Feb-14 22:45:35

Sorry that should say, I bet she doesn't know.

deakymom Sun 09-Feb-14 22:48:06

well my ex took my clothing with him when he went i saw a picture of her in my dress their kids use my old pushchair (which his mom borrowed to use with my daughter and forgot to return) when i spoke to her on the phone once i did rub it in a little she was gushing about how great he was to her cooking her food etc i said spaghetti bolognaise? yes i taught him how to make that and x y z men are so predictable aren't they? (cue lots of fake laughing and she took the hint i did not want to listen to how SWEET how NICE etc just made me want to puke)

at least you know you got there first xx

He took your clothes?! shock And she wore them? shock confused

oldgrandmama Mon 10-Feb-14 17:13:20

You could always email/fax the hotel ... with a message for the exH, saying you hope he and the floozie new wife are having as lovely a time and you and he did on your honeymoon.
[sniggers evilly]

oldgrandmama Mon 10-Feb-14 17:17:10

... as you and he did on your honeymoon.

deakmom, when I finally left the unfaithful shit after 20 years, and the OW moved in, she snaffled the clothes I'd not collected yet. Including a lovely designer coat. I'm still annoyed about that (nearly 30 years later).

RedToothBrush Mon 10-Feb-14 17:37:33

Why would you be worried about this? It should be the other woman that should worry as he's obviously trying to recreate something. Doesn't it reflect the fact that you did have some happy times and memories? I personally don't think you can ever have the same magic going somewhere for a second time. Yes it can be good, but its never got that same shiny new feelings. She'll forever be living in your shadow and walking in your shoes. Forever wondering how she compares and whether he'll run off again.

WorraLiberty Mon 10-Feb-14 17:41:26

Maybe the bride chose the honeymoon destination?

falulahthecat Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:03

This happened to me - only the Ex had stalked me after we broke up, (and 2 years after and whilst engaged to new person telling mutual friends I'd 'realise I made a mistake' and take him back) his new wife looked exactly like me (we hadn't married, only dated for 3 years) and the place was in Cornwall, somewhere that had been my favourite place since I was 8 and which he knows I want to live in one day.

It particularly upset me because he had his own 'childhood place' (Jersey) which he could've gone to (although he did take her there on our old 'anniversary' I'd since found out) and in the end I just had to comfort myself with the fact that he's too much of a 'homebody'/wet lettuce to use Brendan from coach trip's lovely phrase to actually move away.

My sister said that perhaps he just doesn't have any imagination, so I tell myself that, too ;p

falulahthecat Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:43

*stalked me and my friends, not even sneakily, would just go and stand next to me/them but not look at them or say anything. Then would park outside my house, so creepy. Urgh.

RedToothBrush Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:52

If the bride choose the destination, again I would say that obviously she has reason to feel pretty insecure... and feels the need to somehow compete.

WorraLiberty Mon 10-Feb-14 17:54:21

I don't know Red I think it's easy to read too much into things

She might be insecure of course

But equally she might just love the Maldives and is secure enough in her own choice to want to go there.

Either way, you're well shot of him OP. Enjoy your holiday with your kids thanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 10-Feb-14 18:14:06

Agree with Worra. I think that it's something that men would do - a holiday destination is just that, a house is jut a house - for a woman it usually means something.

I don't see that the new wife will be insecure, why would she be? She's married to somebody who was himself, married for a long time. He's demonstrated commitment really, hasn't he?

I'm sorry that you feel irked about it, try not to read anything into it because you can't know if there was any significance at all and, if you find out that there wasn't, it's not going to make you feel any better is it?

I winced a little bit at your list of their holiday destinations... why are you keeping track of them? You could have easily said, they holiday a lot... but you listed each and every destination and number of visits. shock

Enjoy your holiday with your DCs OP and let it go... I don't think you have.

Hmm, perhaps I'm a bit jealous of their lifestyle, Lying? They are child free for half of the time, she has her DS 50/50 while I have my DC for most of the time. I can't just swan off abroad without them as they do. I am probably a bit too invested in comparing our lives. I will get past it, though. I'm so, so much better than I was for the first year, when I lost 4 stone in weight. So much better that I've gained over a stone back. hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 10-Feb-14 18:50:26

Won't your ex have them 50:50 with you, EllenJane?

TBH, if he did have them 50/50 I couldn't afford to pay the bills as the child maintenance would drop to virtually nothing. And I don't really want to only have them 50/50. DS2 has SN and already gets upset by the every other weekend arrangement. Contrary, eh? blush I am jealous of their lifestyle, but would still prefer to keep my DC all the time. confused

eggsandwich Mon 10-Feb-14 18:59:50

Just remember he went with you first!! Second time around it won't be as exciting and new as he's already been, not sure if I was his new wife I'd be wanting to go to the same place that he went with his first wife, he must of really enjoyed it when he went with you to go back there again, maybe he's trying to recreate the same memories.

VikingLady Mon 10-Feb-14 19:01:49

Perhaps he'd booked your anniversary holiday just before you split up (to get maximum discount) and couldn't cancel it, and doesn't want to waste it?

Far fetched, but anything else is weird!

paxtecum Mon 10-Feb-14 19:01:51

Ellen: my XH went on honeymoon to a hotel that we had stayed at a few years earlier.

No imagination.

Love, your life is far richer than theirs because of your DCs.

(Though it may not seem like it at times)

dontcallmemam Mon 10-Feb-14 19:02:49

It is a bit weird TBH. The Maldives are lovely but a bit dull and full of fawning honeymooners but so are lots of other places.
I'm imagining his holiday snaps DW on a palm fringed beach, wearing a sarong, holding a pink cocktail exactly the same as 16 years ago.

LaGuardia Mon 10-Feb-14 19:03:04

My exH did exactly the same thing; took her on a road trip around the USA, basically wiping out all our memories. Twatticus Maximus.

I'm sure it won't be the same island, and maybe the new wife has always wanted to go there. But it still seems weird to me. I would love to go back, but not on my next honeymoon. Too many comparisons and memories.

I guess he's different to me, it's just a lovely holiday destination to him and he's wiped our time there from his mind. Time for him to make new memories, maybe, and I think this honeymoon had to be at least as good as ours.

nkf Mon 10-Feb-14 20:19:21

My ex did something similar. I think many men (and probably women too) live a bit in the past. I used to be young, I used to do xx, I used to travel round India. And they just repeat unthinkingly the things they did in their youth. Lots of men seem to move on and recreate what they once had. Not what they had at the end of the first marriage, but what they had at the beginning when it was lovely. My ex used to lend his OW/now wife the same books he used to pretend he'd read when we were first together. The ones he thought he should have read and meant to read but somehow hadn't. Silly really.

Don't compare. Just live the best life you can.

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