To think this is very shallow?

(39 Posts)
barkinginessex Sun 09-Feb-14 08:50:07

Bit of background, DPs friend has been single for 2 years, he won't go on dating websites and doesn't feel confident talking to women in bars, he'd rather meet someone through work or friends which I completely understand.
I work with a woman who is the same age as him, she's single, pretty, slim, stylish and friendly. I asked them both if they wanted to exchange numbers as I thought they might click.
DPs friend wanted a photo of her first before he would text her. I don't have a photo and she's not on Facebook but he said he trusted me to know his type so he texted her.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find out from DP that his friend has stopped texting her because of the photo she sent him of herself.
DP showed me the photo and whilst I agree it's not a flattering photo of her (a selfie - no one looks good in these right?) I think it's shallow to not even go on one date before deciding of he likes her or not.
It's also bugging me that DPs friend had forwarded to the photo to him and they were laughing about it, saying she looked like Miranda (she doesn't). Why do men act this way, normally his friend is lovely and I didn't think he was like this.
I've told my DP it's his friends loss and my friend is a real catch

yangsun Sun 09-Feb-14 08:55:50

Well I think when you are actually looking for a relationship rather than just a friend there has to be some physical attraction. I imagine he doesn't want to start dating someone he knows isn't his type and then have to let her down. A shame really he didn't see the photo before they started texting. (but I imagine others will disagree!)

Yanbu - your poor friend sad

Mind you, it's probably a lucky escape for her.

BIL is like this. If she isn't blonde, skinny and prepared to be a housewife and obsessed with sport he isn't interested. Trouble is he is 40, looks like a skinny Penfold and has never had a girlfriend.

Some people just lack depth <shrug>

Euphemia Sun 09-Feb-14 09:01:36

I think you're far too involved in these people's lives.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 09-Feb-14 09:05:14

Very shallow and horrible.

However this goes both ways, there was a recent thread on MN were lots of women picked their partner based on his earnings. Very depressing and thats even more shallow than judging on looks.

diddl Sun 09-Feb-14 09:08:47

It does sound shallow, but then why didn't you all just meet up as friends rather than it being a potential date iyswim?

woodlandfairysprite Sun 09-Feb-14 09:12:09

This is largely why I'd never, ever go on a dating site as you just get judged on your looks immediately.

SanityClause Sun 09-Feb-14 09:15:19

Well I'm sure you won't be putting any more friends forward for ridicule.

And HappyMummy, why is it relevant that some women are shallow? No one is accusing all men of being shallow. The thread is discussing this one particular person's behaviour. Pfffff!

Roussette Sun 09-Feb-14 09:24:26

Isn't it a bit much that your DP is taking the piss out of this woman's looks? She's obviously a colleague/acquaintance of yours and I would be tearing my DP off a strip if he acted like that.

lljkk Sun 09-Feb-14 09:28:19

Is it shallow or is he lacking in self-confidence?
relationships don't work without physical attraction.
He's saving himself the worries of having to turn her down in person.
I get it.

softlysoftly Sun 09-Feb-14 09:30:59

There's a reason he is single. Bollock DH. Back away from involvement.

I agree with them being out of order for "laughing about her looks".

However, I have a physical type.

I have met lovely men, through work, but they aren't "big/alpha male" enough for me to want a good sex life with.

There is a lovely man, that lives locally to me. He asks me out constantly, we talk, we get on. I don't want to have sex with him, so I would have to finish it when it got to that point.

I could "date" him and use him as a companion, would that be fair? No, it wouldn't.

I am old enough to know myself and what I want, I am also not prepared to string someone along.

We are all different, the importance and type of sex life that we demand, is personal.

I don't think that needing a physical attraction, is shallow.

Would it of been better for him to go out with your friend, then have to tell her/you why there wouldn't be a second date?

velvetspoon Sun 09-Feb-14 09:35:18

Shouldn't you be more pissed off with your DP for taking the p? I wouldn't be very happy if a partner of mine made those sort of comments about one of my friends, or went along with a friend of his saying it.

I think it's a common thing now to judge instantly on people's looks - esp on dating sites, where men feel entitled to tell you that you're not attractive (!), and indeed where you're effectively encouraged to judge people on their appearance in maybe 1 or 2 photos.

Pagwatch Sun 09-Feb-14 09:35:26

Your DPs friend is a dick but if your dp was laughing along at a picture of your friend then I'm afraid he isn't much better. I would be embarrassed if my DH behaved like that.

Your friend had a lucky swerve.

I would keep out of it. I wouldn't want anyone I liked hooking up with your DPs friend. He sounds grim.

Preciousbane Sun 09-Feb-14 09:37:06

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. It is mean to laugh but you cannot date people you are not physically attracted to at all it just won't work out.

FelineSad Sun 09-Feb-14 09:42:26

It is his loss and he is being very short sighted.

I am in a very happy relationship which started on line. I had 'winked' at DP and we started chatting on line before we then spoke on the phone. We arranged to meet the day after and the attraction was immediate and overwhelming.

However DP admits he was not remotely attracted to me by my photos and just thought we'd have a good fun evening as we got on on the phone. I am just not photogenic. My photos make me look fumpy and Mumsy which I'm just not in real lifebut it doesn't come across in photos

WhoNickedMyName Sun 09-Feb-14 09:43:12

Your friend had a lucky escape.

Your DP and his mate sound like a pair of wankers.

CeliaFate Sun 09-Feb-14 09:43:58

And that is why he's single...
I would also give your dp a bollocking for laughing at her photo, what a twattish thing to do.

barkinginessex Sun 09-Feb-14 09:51:46

Yes I'm really annoyed at both of them for laughing at her and makes me wonder what else they say about me and my other friends. The original plan was to meet up for drinks so it was casual but it was difficult to find a date everyone could make so my friend suggested they could arrange a date between themselves and they started texting. I agree I shouldn't have got involved and lesson definitely learnt! DPs friend is also now annoyed at me for trying to set him up with someone who in his opinion is ugly even though he's only seen one photo.

CeliaFate Sun 09-Feb-14 09:54:37

DPs friend is also now annoyed at me for trying to set him up with someone who in his opinion is ugly even though he's only seen one photo.

What an utter wanker! Tell him you will post his photo on this thread for us to judge his Adonis like looks if he doesn't get his head out of his arse.

formerbabe Sun 09-Feb-14 09:57:39

If I was her, I would be put off by a man who didn't have the confidence to talk to a woman in a bar...

expatinscotland Sun 09-Feb-14 10:02:31

The pair of them are wankers.

shock Please tell me dp and his friend are very very young?

Actually my sons are teenagers and I can't even see them going on like this. Well, perhaps the 13 year old but that's more out of embarrassment.

Your poor friend sad But lucky escape imo.

Imnotmadeofeyes Sun 09-Feb-14 10:07:35

Pass on the message to let you know when he's dating Keira knightly considering he's such a catch. He seems to have a very high opinion of himself considering he's hardly beating off women with a stick...

I agree we're all entitled to our own type and criteria, but there's no need to revert to childish cruelty. Tell your dh it's a good job your preferences didn't mean being an occasional dickhead was a deal breaker then point and laugh at one of his mates physical flaws or social ineptness.

Pagwatch Sun 09-Feb-14 10:09:31

Yep. Pair of wankers.

ScrabbleBabble Sun 09-Feb-14 10:50:33

Both of them are knobbers. Your P's friend sounds like he is single for a reason, I hope he enjoys his loneliness.

good luck to your friend in the dating scene sounds like she will need it sad

barkinginessex Sun 09-Feb-14 10:52:52

They are both early 30's and really surprised by their behaviour as I didn't think they were like this. If he ever asks me again if I know any nice single women I will tell him to f* right off!

Or say, yes I do, but I don't know any nice, single blokes to introduce them to....

CoffeeTea103 Sun 09-Feb-14 10:58:20

Yanbu about the laughing, that's immature, but I understand why he would want to see a photo. If she doesn't appeal to him saves him the trouble of going through meeting her and letting her down.

Catsmamma Sun 09-Feb-14 11:02:02

it's suddenly MUCH less of a mystery why he is single.

whoislester Sun 09-Feb-14 11:06:28

EXCEPT... what if he saw her and thought that she was out of his league. i know my DH uses humour when he is uncomfortable and maybe thats why he joked with your DP

Maybe he is just scared of rejection AGAIN.

dating is hard when you are no longer a teenager!

HazleNutt Sun 09-Feb-14 11:07:34

I have a friend like this - he only wants to date amazingly beautiful and extremely slim women in their early 20s. Trouble is that he's an average looking man in his late 40s. He's rich though, so every now and then he finds a girl who is happy to be bought drinks for a while, but surprisingly, those relationships never last past the 2-week mark. He'd be a lot happier with more realistic expectations..

puddingsforsandy Sun 09-Feb-14 11:13:16

Why are people saying "that's why he is single" like being single is the worst thing ever? as if being single equals to someone having something wrong with them.

CeliaFate Sun 09-Feb-14 11:20:33

I didn't mean that at all, puddingsforsandy. I meant that's why he isn't in a relationship when he wants to be. Nothing wrong with being single if you want it, but he's looking for a date/relationship and his shallow, crass behaviour would alienate any decent woman.

lifesgreatquestions Sun 09-Feb-14 11:27:56

Everyone has their criteria - he wants a partner who matches a certain physical description, some people only want partners who have jobs that are deemed a sign of "success" or who have money. These are not my criteria but I am not shocked when I hear about it, and I know I have my own (I only dated men whose jobs were deemed "meaningful" by me). As for you and your friend, it's put you in a tricky position with her and your OH... as you say, lesson learned.

carabos Sun 09-Feb-14 11:29:15

I don't think it's a bad thing to hold out for what you want. If an ugly man only wants to date beautiful women, then that's up to him. It's only him who has to deal with the disappointment of knock backs. It doesn't make it wrong of him to want it in the first place.

Are we really saying that nobody should dare to aspire to an aesthetic in their partner that they don't have themselves?

I agree that laughing about it behind her back is nasty however. All he needed to say was "sorry, not my type, I don't fancy her based on that pic and don't want to take it any further". He doesn't have to be her friend.

Belacoros Sun 09-Feb-14 13:12:21

He's single, not broken. Stop trying to fix him.

Littleen Sun 09-Feb-14 21:44:46

His loss! I think it's fair not to continue dating someone you don't find attractive, but to dismiss even one date due to a bad picture is shallow. If you meet someone and find them irresistably charming, it doesnt matter how they look, they will be attractive anyway!

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Feb-14 21:50:06

The laughing together at her photo is just awful. However I don't think turning down someone because you aren't attracted to them physically is shallow.

I don't think you have to meet someone to know that for sure. I remember being single and looking online and my heart just sinking from looking at the photos of some of the men who messaged me. There was no way it would ever work, no matter how "nice" they are.

I actually think physical attraction is a very honest thing. Its more honest than marrying someone for money, or for them to provide a lifestyle, which is what a lot of people do.

Perhaps he is just fussy and wants to be hit by a lightning bolt and fall in love. And you know, I think there is nothing wrong with that. It might not happen for him, so he can just remain single. How is that more shallow than getting together with the wrong person and forcing yourself to stay with them in an unsatisfactory relationship just for the sake of no longer being single?

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