about (less-than-D)H's trip to Dublin?

(88 Posts)
OAM2009 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:08:08

We have a 10 month old baby who will not sleep anyway but has an ear infection at the moment. We also have a 3.5yo and a just turned 5 year old. I was 40 in December but stayed local due to our young family. DH told his dad he wanted to go see Wales play Ireland in Dublin in the rugby Six Nations so his dad booked flights, a hotel, got tickets and off they go!

He'll fly at 5.30am tomorrow and land back here at 5.30pm on Monday. AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off that he's done this?

Objection Fri 07-Feb-14 13:12:47

I think YABU a little. Would it have been a problem for you to do something similar? It's only a weekend.

It is the lack of discussion about it, that would bother me.

I don't agree that both parents have to be available constantly and just because one Partner decides that they have put their life completely on hold, that the other should.

I socialised more than my DH when mine were little, though, he mixed with his family (which I don't have).

CailinDana Fri 07-Feb-14 13:14:55

Straight on the net, spa weekend asap.

RandyRudolf Fri 07-Feb-14 13:15:30

I have learnt that you can't come between a man and his rugby. You can put your argument forward as to why you think they shouldn't go but all they hear is 'blah blah blah'. They're just not interested. Rugby is their world grin

steff13 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:19:30

Did he insist that you stay locally for your birthday, or did you decide that yourself? I'd be a bit annoyed that he hadn't discussed it with me, but other than that, it wouldn't really bother me.

anothernumberone Fri 07-Feb-14 13:20:13

DH heads off to watch a 6 nations match every year. I feel your pain. Rant away but tbh I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. 2 days is not a lot so long as it is only a rare occurence but being stuck at home is pretty crappy.

Mollydoggerson Fri 07-Feb-14 13:20:38

YABU. It's not his fault the chi;d has an ear infection. Life sucks sometimes.

anothernumberone Fri 07-Feb-14 13:21:13

DH went to Paris for Valentine's one year btw to watch rugby, that pissed me off :-).

SlimJiminy Fri 07-Feb-14 13:21:53

I'd be annoyed that I didn't get to go with him...

Of course YABU! The world doesnt stop because you have 3 children. How much notice did he give you?

A weekend away with his dad is not cause for being pissed off. Just make sure you can get a nice weekend away somewhere too another time.

TheBeautifulVisit Fri 07-Feb-14 13:24:25

YABU. It sounds a lovely thing for him and his dad to do together. Be sure to get yourself a weekend away from the stresses of family life sometime soon.

MrsBungle Fri 07-Feb-14 13:27:09

It's only one weekend, I think yabu but 3 little ones and 1 with an ear infection on your own isn't fun, I admit.

whois Fri 07-Feb-14 13:29:21

I think it's a nice thing to do with his Dad, hopefully he'll be taking your little ones when they aren't so little.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 07-Feb-14 13:30:30

Yanbu especially as he didnt even discuss it with you

Redoubtable Fri 07-Feb-14 13:31:52

Unbelievably pissed off seems a bit strong.
You will have an extraordinarily busy weekend...but if he gets the spirit of rugby, he'll understand that right now you're carrying the ball and being heavily tackled grin and he's standing off.

So when is your turn?

WilsonFrickett Fri 07-Feb-14 13:34:15

Did DH plan this, iyswim, or did his Dad think 'that would be a lovely idea for my DS 40th?'

Because if it's the second one then I think YABU.

If it's the first and there was no discussion, then I'd be pissed off too.

DeWe Fri 07-Feb-14 13:34:39

As far as I can tell he mentioned to his dad that he'd like to go, and his dad sorted it. Which is really quite nice.
Your dh couldn't have discussed it with you beforehand because he didn't book the tickets etc.

If you'd mentioned to your dm something you wanted to do and she appeared with tickets all booked, would you turn it down?

If he didn't discuss it with you, YANBU - when you have a children, it's vital that you let your partner know about things like this before they get booked.

However, I think YWBU to stop him or get the hump with him. He's getting some time with his dad, and there's nothing to stop you going away another weekend for a spa break with someone else.

bragmatic Fri 07-Feb-14 13:52:13

Not unreasonable at all.

Floggingmolly Fri 07-Feb-14 13:55:53

It's a Rugby weekend, ffs! Why would anyone trot out the ridiculous "book yourself a spa day" cliche? hmm. occasional rugby widow here. It's not a big deal

Megrim Fri 07-Feb-14 14:04:11

Is it a 40th birthday present from his dad?

kslatts Fri 07-Feb-14 14:06:34

YABU, your DH is going away for a weekend to watch rugby with his Dad, I really can't see why that would piss you off.

Unfortunate that you DC has an ear infection, but would you expect DH to cancel trip that is already booked and paid for because of it?

DoJo Fri 07-Feb-14 14:34:31

I'd rather be at home with sick kids than have a spa weekend! When will women be advised to do something less boring when they have a chance? Books self tickets to a gig and doesn't even contemplate eyebrow waxing/the wearing of paper pants/communal steam room action.

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 14:39:04

Why would you be pissed off that your DH is getting quality time with his dad? You're perfectly capable of looking after your own children. His DF has mistakenly believed that you'd never begrudge him that trip.

My DH and I would both be happy for each other if that happened to either one of us. Says a lot that you aren't. hmm

HauntedNoddyCar Fri 07-Feb-14 14:41:09

YABU. It's the Rugby.

YouTheCat Fri 07-Feb-14 14:41:21

I am unbelievably jealous. I'd love to go.

He's having a few days away with his Dad. What is so wrong with that?

CwtchesAndCuddles Fri 07-Feb-14 14:44:28

Very few Welsh rugby loving men would turn down the offer. I bet his dad thought he was doing lovely by arranging this trip with his son. Wave him off with a smile and let him know he owes you big time.

Pigeonhouse Fri 07-Feb-14 14:45:33

YANBU, if it wasn't discussed and you were given no notice (unless I'm misunderstanding your OP? )

Sport is just another pastime, like train spotting, tiddlywinks and squeezing your spots. It doesn't get you some kind of automatic excuse note from the responsibilities of a young family.

PatriciaHolm Fri 07-Feb-14 14:51:53

Did you actually have a conversation about it and he's gone despite knowing you are very unhappy/can't cope, or have you sat and seethed and fretted about it internally until it's become this frothing mass of resentment that your husband knows nothing about? If, as it is it many of these cases it's that latter then really YABU.

If the former, then you are being less unreasonable.

squoosh Fri 07-Feb-14 14:53:56

I think YABU

(unless he's planning to attend all the 6 Nations' matches)

BlackeyedSusan Fri 07-Feb-14 14:55:51

did anyone ask you about having the children solo for the weekend or was it assumed you would be availble whatever? perrhaps your h has got his attitude from his dd. it is his dad who should have asked before booking if it was a surprise.

Quoteunquote Fri 07-Feb-14 14:58:36

Honestly, once you are passed two children , it's rare for there to be a point when one of them is not ill.

He is spending some quality time with his dad.

Just make sure you priorities your quality time for yourself also.

It is out of order not to have consulted before accepting, just make sure that you are both clear in the future that discussions must happen before cementing arrangements.

Belchica Fri 07-Feb-14 15:04:21

YABU to begrudge FIL and DH this time together.

It's good for everyone to have time off, so make sure you get your dues when he's back.

glasgowsteven Fri 07-Feb-14 15:05:33

take turns, weekend away for you - same budget, Dublin is expensive

whois Fri 07-Feb-14 15:08:06

I do think it's pretty poor form to complain about having all your own children on your own for a weekend. I'm def of the mindset you don't have more children as a couple than oeach of you can independently manage!

SaucyJack Fri 07-Feb-14 15:08:11

YABU. Never have more kids than you can happily look after on your tod is my motto.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 15:08:55

The budget might be minimal if fil is footing the cost of trip and hotel and likely at least one meal

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Feb-14 15:11:03

Straight on the net, spa weekend asap.

Please tell me that's a joke? grin

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 07-Feb-14 15:16:09

If he were going away for a couple of weeks I'd understand your frustration but a weekend with his dad is something nice. Parents are allowed breaks

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:22:58

Blah blah quality time with dad.... Out come the liberal 'you must let your fella be freeeeee' brigade. Ooooooh your sooooo trendy.

Tbh I would be pissed off, pissed off that the dc father hadn't bothered to discuss the fact he was pissing off for a few days and not discussing child care arrangements.

It also matters how much free time op gets out of the home before posters pile in to tell her what a cunt she is. says a lot about you hmm ODFOD

I wonder if it would be a different story if op rocked up with a suitcase and declared she was off for some dinner sun and a cosmopolitan with out discussing it with Dh? Yeah I'm sure he would be fine.

So op YANBU . But what can you do? I'd be on the net looking at spa breaks.... Groupon do some good deals.

Mushypeasandchipstogo Fri 07-Feb-14 15:24:19

YANBU! Do as Cailin said go on and book yourself a spa or shopping weekend ,by yourself if necessary, because you are worth it! Can't believe that some other posters think that it is reasonable for you D?H to do this, they must have relatives or neighbours nearby to help out and don't realise that many people don't.

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:25:19

winter sun!

squoosh Fri 07-Feb-14 15:27:27

Goodness Mishmash you certainly sound like you need a nice relaxing weekend away.

Oriunda Fri 07-Feb-14 15:28:49

Sorry but YABU. It's only 2 days? Sounds like a lovely trip that his father thoughtfully put together for his son's 40th. DH travels (admittedly for work) often and doesn't discuss the dates with me beforehand, usually just slips into conversation that oh btw I'm away next week. I can cope fine and enjoy having total control of the remote in the evening!

Primadonnagirl Fri 07-Feb-14 15:29:28

Mishmash...slight overreaction mm ? Nobody's having a go at OP..just the usual some people agreeing and some people not which is always the case in AIBU.OP ..I think YABU because it's a special one off treat and it's nobody's fault that the timing is inconvenient.but I'm not calling you names!!!

anothernumberone Fri 07-Feb-14 15:29:57

On your behalf OP I hope the lose just to spoil the trip for your DH says the Irish woman

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:31:02

squoosh I've recently had one! It was lovely. Portugal. With girl friends.

Sounds like op needs one too! unfortunately it's only her dh that gets one.

Oriunda Fri 07-Feb-14 15:35:30

Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think of looking after my son as child care, and that I need to discuss arrangements with my DH about who looks after him. Child care is something that nursery provides, not parents.

I'm not trendy or liberal, in fact I'm probably very old fashioned. I didn't see that anyone called the OP a c*nt either (sorry but I am so old fashioned that I refuse to use that word).

That's quite an assumption though Mish - how do we know that OP's DH is the only one who can have a weekend away.

I have a weekend away every year with one of my friends - I love it....it's non negotiable. I give DH lots of notice (4 months in this case) and if he wants to do the same I am more than happy.

We all need time away and no one should tell us we can't have it smile

Mushypeasandchipstogo Fri 07-Feb-14 15:37:18

squoosh I am with Mishmash all the way. I would be utterly pissed off with my DH if he did this too. I would also be less than happy with my FIL as he obviously arranged the trip without discussing it with the OP.

SaucyJack Fri 07-Feb-14 15:38:57

I couldn't agree less MishMash

Imagine if someone posted to say they'd booked a couple of days away with their mother, and their husband didn't want them to go because he couldn't "cope" with looking after his own children for two days.

You'd hear the cackles of laughter at him from here* to Aberdeen.

*nowhere near Aberdeen

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 07-Feb-14 15:40:48

Book HIM into a spa with the kids and spend the weekend watching telly, eating crap and farting when you like.

spend the weekend watching telly, eating crap and farting when you like

Genius :D

ENormaSnob Fri 07-Feb-14 15:43:59

Yabu and ott.

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:45:47

betty that sounds fine and dandy but your assuming that op has as much freedom as dh. Just like your lovely smug relationship.

I may have been a tad 'ahem' enthusiastic about sticking up for op because I've actually had a similar convo with a friend this morning.

She couldn't come away with us as her 'd'p and herself had discussed it and money was apparently too tight, he would struggle with child care. They have two toddlers. Maybe next year with a little pat on head.

Yesterday he booked himself on a three day stag do to shag a muff. With out even discussing it with her. Funny how he found the money for that.

Before posters jumped in berating and telling of there wonderful free relationships more thought should have gone in to asking 'how much free time do you get'

Mostly women are the primary care givers and don't get much time out but on MN your suppose to STFU and think about the quality time your fella can have ? hmm

Erm, you know nothing about my relationship thanks and believe me sometimes it is far from lovely!

I was just saying you are making it sound like OP is not allowed to go away and nowhere has she said that!

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:48:34

saucy this maybe a shock but some idiot people do actually behave like that.

It doesn't matter if it was mum, dad, father Xmas or big daddy by the way.

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:49:33

She said she stayed local because of the kids.

ENormaSnob Fri 07-Feb-14 15:50:08

More fool your mate for stayin with the selfish prick then

DanceParty Fri 07-Feb-14 15:50:42

You stayed locally 'because of the kids'. HE didn't. Meh.

squoosh Fri 07-Feb-14 15:50:53

'Mostly women are the primary care givers and don't get much time out but on MN your suppose to STFU and think about the quality time your fella can have?'

Bullshit.

If the OP had said her husband was really against her going away but expected to go off on jolly jaunts by himself people would be overwhelming in their indignation.

But how do you know that she wasn't the one that wanted to stay local...maybe her DH was all for her going away?

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:51:34

enorna I said as much myself .

FootieOnTheTelly Fri 07-Feb-14 15:53:51

It wouldn't have bothered me but we would have discussed it and my DH wouldn't mind if I went away. I would be happy that he is having fun with his Dad but only if he was grateful. A weekend with the kids alone is no biggie.
If he is generally a selfish arse then that's another matter.

ENormaSnob Fri 07-Feb-14 15:55:22

Oooh actually I stayed local for my 30th. My choice.

Dh went fishing in france for a week for his. His choice. I paid for it for his birthday gift.

I cant see the big deal at all. Unless her dh said she had to stay local. In which case, this is the least of her problems.

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 15:59:02

I stayed local for my 30th - too much alcohol and tears for my lost youth !grin

I did however pay for dp to got holland to a friggin bird festival (feathered verity) on a coach trip for his Xmas present. How dull can you get!

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 16:02:16

Variety !

Thetallesttower Fri 07-Feb-14 16:05:18

I wouldn't mind this so much as I know my husband will do the same for me and has, when I've gone away for work or for a weekend (or even longer) with friends.

However, I've lost count of the amount of female friends who never go away when their children are little/primary age/indeed any age because their husbands have convinced them they couldn't cope on their own with their children, especially if they have more than one. It does often seem to mean women staying at home all the time for ever and men off on the odd holiday/stag do/weekend away.

OAM2009 Fri 07-Feb-14 16:15:42

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am taking on board that maybe I need to dial it down a bit. To answer a few points that have been raised:

1. We did discuss going away for our 40ths as we were both 40 six weeks apart. We talked about going to Paris together but the baby still has never slept through and I was very uncomfortable leaving him.

2. When DS3 was born, the plan was that said parents-in-law would come up as childcare for the bigger two. (My mum dead 20 years and Dad in Qatar.) When I went into labour overnight, they refused to drive up. I went to the hospital by myself in a taxi and was there alone until DH joined me 4 hours later. My FIL is my least favourite person in the world.

3. MIL had a stroke 10 years ago and has limited mobility and no use of her right arm.

3. DH asked FIL "jokingly" about Dublin trip when alone with him. FIL was on holiday in Tenerife and emailed us details of flight to ask if it was ok. We emailed back no, those flight details were inconvenient. His next email was the details of the flight he had booked, coming back on Monday evening so DH has to take a day off work. DH refuses to challenge him on it on the grounds it will "destroy their relationship".

4. I went for a Champage Breakfast on a Saturday morning with the girls for my 40th Birthday celebrations. We also had a night out in the local pub BUT my DH asked me to come home at 9 o clock as baby was screaming and he couldn't settle him. When I left, 15 people were out for drinks with me. When I got back to the pub at 10pm, there were 2 people left.

5. My disabled MIL will be staying with me over the weekend to "help".

I hope this explains (at length wink why I am unbelievably pissed off that my selfish pig of a FIL and my selfish pig of a DH have literally left me holding the baby, when DH ruined my celebrations.

That puts a different spin on it OP - so you will be looking after the kids and MIL!

Regarding your b/day when DH asked you to come home really you should have just said no, you were out and he will have to deal with it.

I don't know what the answer is though - sounds like your FIL put your DH on the spot/in the shit and he doesn't have the balls to sort it.

No wonder you are pissed!

squoosh Fri 07-Feb-14 16:24:24

Yep, totally different spin.

On balance YANBU.

KiwiBanana Fri 07-Feb-14 16:29:09

Well I don't think there's much you can do about it now unfortunately. I would however, be making sure DH knows in no uncertain terms that something like this must NEVER happen again. Trips away are fine if they are discussed and everyone is happy with the arrangements, this is obviously not one of those times.

Would it be possible to cancel your MIL coming at least? Get DH to do it obvs.

Then get planning a night out with your friends soon, sounds like you could do with a bit of letting your hair down time. Just don't come back because the baby is crying this time!

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 16:29:27

Why couldn't you have put those rather important details in your OP? Far more relevant than ill children. Complete waste of time posting on your opening post hmm

glasgowsteven Fri 07-Feb-14 16:35:40

He should have refused straight off,

Sorry I cant get that day off work.

Really sorry, but I did say they were not suitable.

But its happening now so suck it up, and tell you husband this never happens again

SlimJiminy Fri 07-Feb-14 16:39:44

FGS, don't let MIL come to stay if she will be more of a hinderance than a help. And I don't mean due to her disability. They just sometimes are.

I'd be pissed off too - about your birthday and now his.

Hmm... fwiw, here's what I think I'd do: weekend away without him/kids. A pub/B&B somewhere fairly remote with a log fire and wine. And a mate and/or decent book for company. A belated birthday treat that won't be cut short this time...?

whois Fri 07-Feb-14 16:40:44

Massive drop feed!

muser31 Fri 07-Feb-14 16:42:49

ynbu he needs to make sure your rrelaxation time is prioritised as well as his, and also discuss plans with u.

Laquitar Fri 07-Feb-14 16:43:48

Since Fil booked the weekend away how about mil coming around and give you a hand? You can even go to a cinema or something if dcs sleep.

If you stay on your own make sure you take it easy, get a dvd for the older children, a nice take away for you, and a bottle of wine.
When he is back arrange a night out with your friends.i wouldn't book a spa myself just because i dont like them.

kitsmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 16:52:18

I thought you were unreasonable but now, due to your drip feed update, YANBU, there's obviously one set of rules for you and one for DH.

Your FIL is obviously an arse but so is your DH. He "jokingly" asked for this, surely knowing the was a chance it would happen. I think his "joking" element was done to get him off the hook so that he could pretend that he hadn't instigated it.

Laquitar MIL is going to stay with OP - she has mobility problems, only has use in one arm and will be no help at all.....OP will be looking after her as well as the kids!

Laquitar Fri 07-Feb-14 17:07:20

Oh i have missed a whole post there - sorry.

Blimey, NBU then.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 17:12:24

But she was going to watch the older children while op was in labour. Her condition has not changed. Fil, able bodied was going to be there to assist her. If he is an arse, it is likely mil would have done most of the caring for the children.

anothernumberone Fri 07-Feb-14 17:17:24

Definitely NBU. I would say no about MIL too. Has your DH any siblings who can take care of her? TBH your DH sounds a bit of an arse.

OAM2009 Fri 07-Feb-14 17:24:48

blush sorry, did not mean to drip feed. There actually was a genuine reason - my relationship with my FIL is currently very fraught (on my side, at least, he's as insensitive and ignorant as usual). I didn't include those details about our relationship as I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable about a simple weekend away, because he is involved (started it all).

kitsmummy, clearly, you've met my DH. That is exactly what I thought and have bollocked him for - manipulative B***ard angry

mynewpassion Parents in law as childcare was not my first choice as I would have asked local friends to help but DH wanted them to be involved and they did it for DS1. FIL does actually do most of it, has changed nappies, etc. (This time round, DS3 born at 3pm. DH went home at 9pm to all lights on, TV blaring and both children still dressed and downstairs. PIL were were gone within 30 minutes of DH returning and didn't come back till baby was 10 days old.)

Mishmashfamily Fri 07-Feb-14 17:33:31

Oam your dh is a knob for letting his father continue this way

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Fri 07-Feb-14 18:55:27

Why, to top it all, is your MiL visiting that w/e as well?! Has your FiL figured out you don't like him?!

nogreythatmatters Fri 07-Feb-14 19:14:06

He did well getting tickets for the Ireland V Wales rugby international.

I know loads of people who unsuccessfully tried to get tickets for it, they are like gold dust.

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