To want their marriage to be over?

(42 Posts)
Slippersatbedtime Fri 07-Feb-14 08:46:09

He cheated - with me.

I didn't have a clue he was married. He promised me everything.

Now I am left devestated and he gets to carry on his nice life with his (lovely looking) wife and kid.

It doesn't seem fair that he gets to be happy and have things so easy.

LisaMed Fri 07-Feb-14 08:47:04


pinkyredrose Fri 07-Feb-14 08:48:30

I doubt he's that happy. I feel sorry for his wife. Hopefully she'll make his life hell.

NotAnotherPackedLunchBox Fri 07-Feb-14 08:48:53

It doesn't seem fair on his wife and child.

YoungBritishPissArtist Fri 07-Feb-14 08:48:54

You want their marriage to be over so he can be with you?

Why would you want a man who's spun you an elaborate web of lies? shock

brooncoo Fri 07-Feb-14 08:49:49

How long did it last? Just think of your lucky escape from a complete bastard.

Slippersatbedtime Fri 07-Feb-14 08:50:44

Don't think she knows. And no, I don't want him!

DontmindifIdo Fri 07-Feb-14 08:51:50

did his wife know about your affair? How long did your relationship last?

I'm so sorry for you, it must be horrible being an accidental OW, you have all the guilt even though you didn't know you were doing this to someone else.

I wouldn't assume it's happy, his poor wife probably knows something is wrong, if not what. And sadly, you probably aren't the only one.

I know lots of people will say don't tell, but I think I'd want to know if I was the DW. But give yourself some time to recover before making that decision, if you tell, let it be for her sake, not yours.

Eek, this won't end well.

Sorry you were spun a yarn OP, you are a victim in this too.

You can do better than a lying cheat though.

DontmindifIdo Fri 07-Feb-14 08:53:07

Oh and I can understand you want him to hurt, out of all the people involved, he's the one who's behaved badly, yet he's the only one not feeling any of the negative concequences (his DW probably is having a shit time and doesn't know why, the poor woman might even be blaming herself).

scantilymad Fri 07-Feb-14 08:53:29

So you don't want him anymore but still want his marriage to be over and a child to have to deal with that too? Eh? Is this parallel universe day?

brooncoo Fri 07-Feb-14 08:54:30

I would want to tell to drop him in the shit, so that he can't just walk away selling like a rose with no consequences. But, I don't know if I could drop that bombshell on his innocent wife and child. In the long run (past the initial revenge) I think it would feel bad.

I might let him think I was thinking about it though.

for the sake of his wife and child, the marriage should probably end.

you have my sympathies op, this has happened to me before and his partner took him back but still hates my guts.

Slippersatbedtime Fri 07-Feb-14 09:02:36

I'm not going anywhere near him, her, or their marriage. Just feeling bitter.

It's his problem. He must love her though, or at least not me, or he'd have left. The kid is a baby.

DontmindifIdo Fri 07-Feb-14 09:10:10

OP - he probably doesn't really love her, he probably really loves his lifestyle, living in a house with his wife and child, having a family. If he did really love her, he'd not be having affairs (and it's probably a regular thing)

Men like that love themselves far too much to love anyone else.

DontmindifIdo Fri 07-Feb-14 09:17:11

and chalk it up to experience, get on with your life. It's shit that it's going to have slightly erroded your trust.

View it as having dodged a bullet, can you imagine if he had left his wife for you what your life would be like? I wonder what lies he told her to be with you. Couldyou ever trust him? Always feeling like you're going slightly crazy, and actually it's him fucking about again.

Melonbreath Fri 07-Feb-14 09:21:54

You're lucky you got out of it. If he'd cheat on the mother of his child he'd cheat on you.

and actually, I would tell the wife. If I were the wife I'd want to know. I'd be devastated but I would hate feeling a fool and wasted years if I found out in the future.

You might be giving her her ticket out.

Finola1step Fri 07-Feb-14 09:21:55

Stay well away. You've had a lucky escape. That poor woman and baby.

pictish Fri 07-Feb-14 09:26:09

Thank goodness! You just saved yourself from wasting your precious time on a liar.

Liars are to be avoided at all costs.


DownstairsMixUp Fri 07-Feb-14 09:27:47

I agree it was a lucky escape. Even if he would of left his wife for you the relationship would of been doomed. You'd of probably always wondered if he'd do the same to you.

MatryoshkaDoll Fri 07-Feb-14 09:29:59

Why would you want to be with a proven liar? You'd never be able to trust him. After the initial buzz of 'winning' him wore off, you'd start worrying that he'll get bored and do them same to you as he's done to his wife (and you'd be right).

Don't give him a second thought. He's a dog.

pictish Fri 07-Feb-14 09:30:06

You know that saying...
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

MothratheMighty Fri 07-Feb-14 09:31:14

You didn't really know him at all, so as others have said, better to get out now.
How did you find out he was married? How long were you together,or was it just a weekend fling?

Preciousbane Fri 07-Feb-14 09:36:09

The op hasn't said she wants him she is in shock that the man she got together with is married and she is a victim in this, as is his poor wife. Whereas he is an uber shit.

I worked with a woman who found out after two months her BF had a wife and then finished with him. He then began a stalking campaign and would sit outside her house in his car, she had to get an injunction against him in the end.

An OW who knows that a man is married is very different to a woman who thinks a man is single and becomes an accidental OW.

SaucyJack Fri 07-Feb-14 09:40:55

YANBU at all to be feeling bitter and hurt.

You were betrayed as much as his wife.

Take care x

expatinscotland Fri 07-Feb-14 09:42:48

He's a dick. Find someone else.

MothratheMighty Fri 07-Feb-14 09:45:21

I've always felt any blame belongs firmly and squarely on the back of the one cheating, and no one else. He is the one at fault, and only him.

expatinscotland Fri 07-Feb-14 09:47:55

The only reason I'd tell the wife is because she deserves to know she's living with a dickhead and make a choice about staying with him, especially because these people tend to lay around like rugs, no telling if he's got a disease.

KurriKurri Fri 07-Feb-14 11:45:50

Their marriage falling apart won't really make you feel any better though will it? (I'm sure it will fall apart before long as he is clearly a deceitful piece of shit) I imagine what you really want is for him to be punished in some way and have to suffer for his awful behaviour.

My STBXH cheated on me and people keep saying 'karma will come and bite him on the bum' but actually I doubt if it will.I think there are some people who swan through life, behaving like bastards, not caring who they hurt and they get away with it.

Whereas plenty of good kind decent people have to deal with awful things through no fault of their own.

Life isn't fair sadly,
and if you let the fact that he has gone unpunished eat away at you, you will waste your own life. Best form of karma is to get on with your life, enjoy yourself and not allow him to mess up your head. He's not worth tearing yourself up over.

Littleen Fri 07-Feb-14 13:13:14

Was in a similar situation some years ago, and yes it hurts, but you will soon come to realise he is scum and does not deserve you nor his wife! So sorry you were betrayed, it absolutely sucks. I never told my guys girlfriend, but she was suspicious as she knew we were "too good" friends anyway - they split up a few years later so it doesn't matter now. Whether you tell her or not, I cannot advice, it's a really hard decision to make. If it was not a one-off, she's sure to find out at some point. Womens intuition is not to be fobbed off smile

LouiseAderyn Sat 08-Feb-14 21:26:26

I agree that the wife probably has a feeling that all is not well. I can only say that I would want to know if I was in her shoes. She will probably cotton on to the truth herself, eventually, but that might be a few years in the future. Telling her now will spare her years of being ignorant of what's going on in her own marriage. She may leave him, she may not. But at least her eyes will be open.

On the whole, I think people deserve truth.

Idespair Sat 08-Feb-14 21:56:21

You should think logically: you thought you were going out with a nice man who was single. He is in fact married, a cheater and a liar. So from your perspective you are far better off without him and you are lucky you found out before you got pregnant by him. As it is, you can get on with your life and in time, this will just be a memory. It makes no difference to your life whether he's with his wife or not.

If she knows, they will be completely miserable and have 2 very bad years in front of them anyway. Maybe even a lifetime of misery.

You could also spare a thought for their baby, who has done nothing to deserve their dad being a cheating shit and breaking the family up before he/she can even recollect being a part of it.

Doingakatereddy Sat 08-Feb-14 22:04:41

Stay away from rabbits.

Seriously, you need time to reflect before you go a bit crazy

LouiseAderyn Sun 09-Feb-14 07:31:04

She's not breaking up a family or causing damage to the wife and baby by revealing the truth. He has already done the damage. They just don't know it yet. But they will, one day, because he will continue until he gets caught.

I would rather find out sooner than later.

OrangePixie Sun 09-Feb-14 07:56:17

YANBU. You're hurt and betrayed. The wife is being taken a fool. He's having a lovely time, family life and a bit on the side and paying no consequences for it.

helenthemadex Sun 09-Feb-14 11:21:50

if he was with you then you would have what his wife has, a lying cheating partner, with no respect for his wife, marriage, the vows he made or the children he fathers and you would be worried all the time in case he did the same to you.

magoria Sun 09-Feb-14 11:28:13

His wife deserves to know that he is playing fast and lose with her sexual health.

If she chooses to stay with him knowing that is her call.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 09-Feb-14 11:28:44

Walk away,move on,dont look back.Dont give him the time of day,dont make a decision based on bitter feelings.

I have recently been the wife in this situation. He actually told me, but only I suspect because she was threatening to tell me herself. We are divorcing and I'm very happy about it. I would tell her, better that they split now while the baby is too young to understand and be upset overly by the change.

rabbitlady Sun 09-Feb-14 12:52:28

they are like that. that's what my mum says. me, i had an offer of 'i'll leave my wife' last year, from a man who has the wife, half a dozen or more regular mistresses and hundreds of random women for sex, some younger than his daughters (daughters are in their thirties).

if you possibly can, forget him and move on. my mum says 'have five to push x out of your mind'. seems like a plan to me... wink

everlong Sun 09-Feb-14 12:55:54

His wife doesn't deserve the lying bastard either.

Cravey Sun 09-Feb-14 14:19:58

Yanu to feel hurt however wishing his marraige isn't nice. Maybe have a tad of empathy for the poor wife. He sounds like a horrid person and you are well shot of him. However his marraige is none of your business.

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