Crippling jealousy of ex's young, pregnant girlfriend

(145 Posts)
windyvillage Fri 07-Feb-14 01:56:57

This is long, and I know a lot of people will think I'm out of order, but I need a perspective on my problem. My ex and I split up more than 10 yrs ago, I was 20 when we met and 26 when we split, him 4 yrs older, so we did all that growing up together, first home, family ties etc. We broke up but we have always stayed very close friends, in fact I would say he was my best friend. Since then I met someone and we have been together 10 yrs, but my ex never had any other significant partners and we have carried on a good friendship all within a social circle, going on holiday etc. I had a daughter in 2010 and my ex is her godfather and totally loves her. Last year we moved out of the area and I started to have an idea that he was seeing the ex-girlfriend of a male friend of mine who had brought her as a plus one to my daughters birthday parties. When he knew I had an idea of this he said he needed to come over to speak to me, he stayed over (we live miles away)and told me he had been seeing her. I guess the sticking point here is that he is 41, I am 38 and she is 22. That was enough to set me off in internal rages of jealousy. A few weeks later (last november)he said he needed to come to visit again and this time told me she was pregnant. He also told me he thought she had got pregnant on purpose, and that he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child. Since then he has said that she is asking him why she's not invited when he visits us and can I construct scenarios where we can all meet. to put it mildly I am having trouble getting used to this new scenario after all these years, so I have refused, in honesty I can't even bear thinking of seeing her especially as I am hoping for a second child. Even the fact that she is a teacher is making my blood boil because I work 48 hrs a week away from my dd, and in the future she'll always be with hers in the hols. It doesn't help that she is gorgeous, has never left home, and has moved into the house he owns and so never has to have that struggle with money I had at her age. I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint. The thing is I know I sound like a bunny boiler, I know IABU, but how can I get rid of my jealousy and rage?

HeartShapedBox Fri 07-Feb-14 02:04:58

wow.

putting your jealousy aside for a moment, he thinks she got pregnant on purpose and he hoped the scans would show up a medical problem? (so she would terminate the pregnancy, I assume)

surely he had sex with her willingly? therefore, he knew there was a chance of pregnancy?

what a prick your ex sounds.

RaspberryTea Fri 07-Feb-14 02:07:36

he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child

He sounds lovely. What a catch.

BlackDaisies Fri 07-Feb-14 02:11:16

All I can think is that you are best off out of a relationship with someone who is wishing that about his unborn baby. I think you should distance yourself from your ex, and that he is messing with your emotions. There is no need for him to be visiting you privately after ten years to tell you about his new relationship. Try not to feel jealous, however this looks from the outside, there are obviously huge problems with their relationship. Not that you should take comfort in that, but it sounds like she is actually in a horrible position, not one to be envied. Can you not turn to your own partner and focus on feeling happier in your own relationship? Could you reduce the hours you work to spend more time with your own dd?

Uptheanty Fri 07-Feb-14 02:12:43

Wow, you make a nice couple.

I feel sorry for the poor woman.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 07-Feb-14 02:16:39

She's 22, pregnant and with your Ex. That was you once.

I don't think that you are jealous of her because she has your Ex, I think that you're jealous because her presence and pregnancy are reminders of your own aging. Also is there a bit of jealousy of your Ex? He is still having the 20 something life.

innisglas Fri 07-Feb-14 02:17:47

Jealousy is a strange irrational thing, but maybe you should look at what there is in your own life that has you so dissatified and how you can change it?

Primafacie Fri 07-Feb-14 02:18:35

As a 22 year old, would you have liked to be dating a 41 year old who 'hopes there's something wrong with the baby'? No? Then you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of.

Poor, poor girl, she is in for a life of misery with your ex. sad

AgnesBligg Fri 07-Feb-14 02:24:04

I agree with Primafacie.

Poor girl.

Enjoy what is yours OP.

MistressDeeCee Fri 07-Feb-14 02:28:35

Another prime example of why it does no good to maintain ties with your ex beyond a hello and friendly chat should you bump into him. On 1 side there's always someone secretly or subconcsiously 'carrying a torch' and it won't be admitted under all the 'we're such good friends/he gets on fab with my DH' ive engineered it that way so I can still be close to him and privy to his life and relationships

I feel sorry for his GF. Starting out in life with a man who's so unhappy with her pregnancy he's talked to his too-close ex about it in very derogatory and insensitive terms. The best thing you can do OP is extricate yourself from this close contact, as hard as that may be. Get on with your life and relationship, leave theirs alone. You will heal in time, although getting there won't be pleasant. The alternative is obsessing, tearing yourself to shreds inside and possibly ruining the life and relationship you have now. If you're feeling excrutiatingly bad then counselling to help you with detachment and closure may be a good thing towards helping you to feel better.

Caff2 Fri 07-Feb-14 02:40:59

Reporting, as I cannot believe that anyone thinks like this.

Robfordscrack Fri 07-Feb-14 02:51:00

you don't really factor your partner into this. Sounds like you want to be with your ex.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 02:56:26

Right, jealous of what? I would feel more sympathy and pity for the GF than jealousy. Your friend sounds like a twat. If he didn't want her to get pregnant, use a fucking condom.

I hope he will not dodge his responsibilities, especially the financial ones.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 03:04:16

I think you need some counseling if you get the rage that she is a teacher and you aren't. She might have 13 weeks holiday to spend with her child but it looks like that child will not have its biological parents in the same household for very long, unlike your daughter. Though I do wonder about your relationship with your partner if you get the rage about an ex's relationship.

tiredoutgran Fri 07-Feb-14 03:25:05

I'm not sure your jealousy is because she is in a relationship with your ex as much as it is with your best friend and you feel he may not need you as a friend in the same way - a bit like best girlfriends feel when their best friend get a boyfriend and drops them to spend time with him. I think the jealousy with her is more about how easy you think she is getting it when you had to struggle - as most of us do when we start out.

You maybe now have to make a decision to either drop him from your life or see them as a couple and include her in your plans, perhaps if you spend time with her you will feel differently and become friends - it could be to your gain! He doesn't sound very nice, more like a spoiled brat who is worried about his freedom being curtailed.

She's trying to engineer a meeting because she is jealous of you too.

It's not all rosy for her. Not by a long shot.

Oblomov Fri 07-Feb-14 03:56:53

Blimey!
Do you wish you'd never split up from your ex? Sounds like you do. And still carrying a torch for him.
I feel sorry for your partner.
And ex's pg gf! He's well into her, isn't he? Not.

Annakin31 Fri 07-Feb-14 04:40:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThistleLickerIsGoingToBeAMummy Fri 07-Feb-14 04:51:19

Wow your ex sounds amazing!!! Not!!!!

Some people jus don't know they are lucky!!!! And if u saw sense you would see you are to be his ex!!! You can't wish that kind of thing on a poor unborn baby!! One he willingly contributed In making!!

Op back off and live your own life! There life has nothin to do with u! I actually feel sorry for your partner! You sound obsessed!

Chottie Fri 07-Feb-14 05:02:24

You need to shut the door and move on. He WAS a part of your life and now you have both moved on. I also feel sorry for his GF and their unborn child. What sort of commitment and love is he showing?

If his GF was my daughter i would be worried sick about her and my GC. You do sound like you are too involved, look into your own life, what is missing? The relationship sounds like there is three of you in it. What about your own partner - doesn't he get fed up of you hankering after the past?

Awkwardsis Fri 07-Feb-14 05:04:22

I think a lot of this might be because its brought up feelings around your termination. You found yourself in her position with this man and you made the decision to terminate whereas she gets to keep the baby. Fast forward to the future, and you're trying for a second baby. I think a those are probably massive things to deal with so you have my sympathy. I also think perhaps she just wants to be accepted by you. I have to say, I've known relationships involving my peers who have got nvolved with much older men and none of them have been particularly healthy, I just can't see what someone in their early twenties has in common with someone twenty years their senior. From her pov, she is expecting a baby with some e who went really let her into his life, who disappears to visit his ex girlfriend. That'd upset me too. The best you can hope for here is to develop a good relationship with them and their child. But I totally understand if you have feelings that it 'should have ' been you. You need to find peace with the past and perhaps even distance yourself from him if its just too difficult. Do not let this affect your marriage.

Oblomov Fri 07-Feb-14 05:12:59

Why did you REALLY split from ex? Did he decide to split? It wasn't your choice, right.
Sounds like you have never got over it.

JapaneseMargaret Fri 07-Feb-14 05:20:09

Oh dear, oh dear, OP.

Step away from this couple. That is quite cleary the only sensible suggestion for all three of you but especially her.

Mimishimi Fri 07-Feb-14 05:21:33

You are jealous of a girl whose boyfriend hopes there is something wrong with the baby? Really???

loopylouu Fri 07-Feb-14 05:32:14

I feel very sorry for the gf. Even if he isn't being an arsehole to her face, to have such strong feelings about wishing an abnormality on your own child (what the actual fuck?!) he must be treating her like shit somehow. I don't know how you could totally hide feelings like that.

I feel sorry for your partner too. I couldn't imagine my dh having such strong feelings for an ex.

I think it's time you moved on. Sounds like the gf has a supportive family if she has only just left home, thank god for that, it sounds like she'll need them once your pathetic ex moves on.

If someone told me that they wished those evil things on their unborn child and it's mother, I wouldn't be able to look at them again.

helenafalco Fri 07-Feb-14 05:57:47

Wishing there was something wrong with his own child? sad this alone would have made me step away from this person let alone be jealous of the pregnant GF

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 07-Feb-14 06:28:36

I suspect that (and this probably won't help you Windy) he actually is chuffed to bits he has a 22 year old girlfriend and he is probably happy that she is pregnant too. Telling you he feels she trapped him by becoming pregnant and that he hoped there was some foetal abnormality leading to necessary termination all sound like ways to keep you on the hook! His reasons this are what? Probably that he loves the attention you give him perhaps?
I agree with other posters in that you need to disengage from them as he can't keep her out of your circle of friends for ever surely, and if that is what he is doing currently, he sounds like a knob.

Alwayscheerful Fri 07-Feb-14 06:40:18

OP, lots of good advice on this thread.

You mention your XP is your DDs Godfather and you are hoping for another child, how does your child's DF feel about your relationship with your XP?

Concentrate on your own life and try and let him go you are torturing yourself and you need to move on.

Branleuse Fri 07-Feb-14 06:55:32

Wow

Logg1e Fri 07-Feb-14 06:57:02

I can't decide if he's a twat, or pretending to be a twat in front of you, or if this is all fiction.

ilovechips Fri 07-Feb-14 07:01:53

Does your partner know how you feel about your ex? If you were my partner and I read this thread then our relationship would be over, quite simply.

I agree with Dinnea. I bet he is just saying those things to mess with you.

What does your DH think of all this jealousy and obsessing about your ex and private meetings so he can update you on his love life and watch you squirm?

hickorychicken Fri 07-Feb-14 07:07:28

Life changes, people move on.....maybe you should.
I feel for your dp, im sure your relationship with your ex makes him feel very secure.....hmm

Morloth Fri 07-Feb-14 07:14:07

Well hopefully she will see him for what he is and dump his vile arse then he can be all yours again.

What a prick.

niceguy2 Fri 07-Feb-14 07:16:04

WOW! There's so much dysfunction here that where do you even start.

I suspect everything was fine between you & your ex whilst he never had any other as you put it 'significant partners'. Whilst you did. So could it be that you were happy about the situation where you felt your ex hadn't found anyone better than you?

But now he's found a much younger, more attractive woman with a great job AND is now pregnant which means he will be much more committed (hopefully) then you're suddenly jealous. In short he's now found someone better.

As for your ex, he thinks his girlfriend got pregnant on purpose....right.....and at the same time he hopes something is wrong with the baby hmm

It's perfectly normal for you to secretly hope that your ex will never find anyone better than you. It's not normal though to keep in touch with him for years and make him godfather to your child.

The best thing to do really is to cut ties with your ex. Let him get on with his life with his new girlfriend whereever that may take him. And you concentrate on your own family.

Wow. Mind blown. Firstly, it's obvious you weren't 'just friends' for this last ten years. The way you feel now indicates that you always had feelings for him. Poor husband.
Secondly, he's a nasty cunt, isn't he? He has present at the conception and was equally responsible. And to wish there was something wrong with the foetus? Wow. I can't even.
Thirdly - you need to start being welcoming and normal with her. Or you are going to jeopardise your own relationship, because these jealous and possessive feelings you have towards your ex are going to become obvious to your husband.
Fourthly - if you don't get over it, your ex is likely to pull away from you, if he has any morals and commitment to his partner (which is dubious, true) but it's still likely.

PollyPutTheKettle Fri 07-Feb-14 07:23:08

Run this one by me again.

You are jealous of a 22 year old who before living with this man had never left home. But now lives with an older man who wishes his child had something wrong with him/her and believes she got herself pregnant deliberately (erm, has he heard of condoms?) And on top of that he is meeting up with his ex and isn't inviting her.

YABU but I wonder if this is more to do with your pregnancy at her age.

Have you ever considered your ex is lying and not a particularly nice person? Sounds like he is playing you for reasons unknown.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Feb-14 07:23:33

Good Lord, if this is real you both sound like a pair of absolute twats

Get back together...you deserve each other.

hickorychicken Fri 07-Feb-14 07:28:17

Also,OP arent you disgusted about what he said in regards to the baby? Or will you excuse that sort of shit as you are clearly stilll in love with him hmm

I agree with Awkwardsis. And I think you need therapy because this situation has brought up something that's hurting you that has nothing to do with your ex's new gf. You aren't the one who stands to suffer a great deal in this situation and your ex sounds like an awful person. If you don't think you can help and support his gf then I think you should step away.

OhMerGerd Fri 07-Feb-14 07:30:08

You barely mention your own partner and I presume father of your DD in all this drama which has been going on for almost a year or so. Or is DD your ex's child ( godfather loves her to bits) and were you hoping for second child with him?
Why not take this as an opportunity to focus on your own family and make the changes in your life that you would like. If you want to be a teacher ... Enrol on a teaching course or a course that will help you get there. I'm sure all the tension, jealousy and second guessing around your DD's life isn't helping you while you ttc. And I bet its not helping your DP either.
Do what you should have done ten years ago. Drop the ex.(do it gently if you want and can but if that hurts too much make it swift and complete). Wish him well with his new family and concentrate on yours .

OhMerGerd Fri 07-Feb-14 07:31:59

I'm sure all the tension, jealousy and second guessing around your * Ex's * life isn't helping you while you ttc.
Typo sorry

Booboostoo Fri 07-Feb-14 07:34:04

You broke up with the guy 10 years ago and you are jealous because he now has a serious GF? Why? And what does her age have to do with it? Or her getting pregnant?

You sound as lovely as your ex. The only people I sympathise with are the poor pregnant GF and you own partner.

ChasedByBees Fri 07-Feb-14 07:41:36

know a lot of people will think I'm out of order

Yes.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Fri 07-Feb-14 07:44:23

I think this relates to your termination. She hasn't terminated.

WhisperingShadow Fri 07-Feb-14 07:44:57

I think you need to gain some emotional intelligance and empathy for the other people in this twistered scenario.

formerbabe Fri 07-Feb-14 07:46:15

You're having a laugh! Why would you be jealous of a pregnant young woman whose partner is hoping there is something wrong with the baby and doesn't have her own home.

MargotLovedTom Fri 07-Feb-14 07:48:17

How weird.

What on earth does your DP, who only gets a cursory mention, make of all this? Don't tell me, you haven't said a word?! hmm

MargotLovedTom Fri 07-Feb-14 07:49:13

How weird.

What on earth does your DP, who only gets a cursory mention, make of all this? Don't tell me, you haven't said a word?! hmm

bodygoingsouth Fri 07-Feb-14 07:50:25

I feel very sorry for the gf and your partner and dd.

you and your ex sound toxic.

He sounds lovely confused I'd say you're best off out if that. Count your blessings.

DuchessFanny Fri 07-Feb-14 08:03:24

Poor woman ( her, not you )

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 07-Feb-14 08:11:01

Very telling how your current partner gets barely a mention in your OP.

And as for your ex "hoping something is wrong with his unborn child" Vile. Doesn't this sentence bother you more than anything else? It should.

But I doubt your coming back to actually listen to the advice on here...

AllThatGlistens Fri 07-Feb-14 08:27:37

Wtf?!

No one can really be this immature, can they?

That poor, poor woman shock

meditrina Fri 07-Feb-14 08:33:40

I think it would be best if you cut contact with him, put you focus on your own life and what brings you happiness.

He is being a utter shit to his partner - or do you really think she knows he's attempting to restore confiding intimacy with you?

This is all a bit twisted.
I feel sorry for your dp and dd and the pregnant gf.

pinkyredrose Fri 07-Feb-14 08:46:56

He thinks 'she got pregnant on purpose'? He thinks that at age 41?! Words fail me.

He sounds a right arsehole.

Why did the two of you split up?

whomadeyougod Fri 07-Feb-14 08:47:33

you should of moved on years ago , an ex is an ex for a reason , only causes trouble keeping them in your life , you sound very bitter and very unhappy with your lot , feel sorry for your husband and child , sounds like they are a poor second to you .

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne Fri 07-Feb-14 09:07:46

Your ex sounds awful- hoping that HIS child has something wrong with it and dies? So what, he can get out of responsibility scot free, and leave this poor girl to pick up the pieces of her life after losing a child? Utterly disgusting. Why are you still friends with this man?

I really hope this poor girl doesn't move him into HER house- it sounds like she is in a fairly good position to be a 22 year old single mother- steady job, no mortgage to pay- she doesn't need this dickhead in her life.

Why are you so obsessed with this horrible man? Don't you have a good DH and child of your own?

Topaz25 Fri 07-Feb-14 09:11:35

If it's any consolation, it sounds like his girlfriend is in a terrible situation, not an enviable one! He hopes there's something wrong with the baby?! He's not the one that got away, you had a lucky escape! Distance yourself from him and focus on your family, he sounds totally toxic. Consider counselling if you have unresolved feelings regarding your termination. Did he pressure you into it at all? Because it certainly sounds like he is considering trying that with his current girlfriend.

KoalaFace Fri 07-Feb-14 09:19:51

Sometimes jealousy just hits us and we have to accept that we're human and try and have some perspective. Remove yourself from this situation though OP. I have a feeling that your unresolved feelings around your ex and your termination are effecting you more than you realise.

Please try and not envy this girl. She is in for a very difficult time with a very selfish man.

BalloonSlayer Fri 07-Feb-14 09:22:44

You say " I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint" - do you mean that you did not go on to have the baby? Could it be this that is the crux of it?

So perhaps:

You are jealous that she is getting to have her baby but you didn't?

or

He realises the above, is perfectly happy with his new partner but is making up all this horrible "she made me/I hope the pg goes wrong" stuff to make you feel better?

or

He knows you still have a thing for him and he is trying to make you jealous and think you have a future together, or to keep you on the back burner <--- this is the more dangerous one. The stuff he is saying is right up there with "my wife doesn't understand me."

Finola1step Fri 07-Feb-14 09:30:26

Wow. I opened this thread and started reading it expecting the new gf to be insanely jealous of the ex gf. What a shock!

I could write a really long post about all the issues in this OP but I won't as they have been covered by others.

But I would like to ask, where do you see your long term partner, the father of your child in all this? Or does he just have to put up and shut up?

MomentForLife Fri 07-Feb-14 09:30:38

Sorry if this is blunt, but did you both decide it wasn't the right time when you were pregnant, or did he persuade you to feel like that?

It's just now your ex finds himself with another pregnant gf and doesn't want the baby? Won't go in to how I feel about his comments about his unborn child.

It seems there is no right time for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Play happy families with you and your family, but have a sexual relationship with a younger woman, then go back to you to complain.

Sounds like a perma child and sorry but your relationship is like something out of Emmerdale.

Preciousbane Fri 07-Feb-14 09:30:47

I just feel sorry for the GF and also your partner.

Can I believe people can be this vile? yes I can because I have a sister who is a bloody disgrace as a human being.

Wuxiapian Fri 07-Feb-14 09:33:17

Sounds as though you're still not over your ex.

Move on, FGS!!

tomverlaine Fri 07-Feb-14 09:33:27

For the last ten years you have been the most important woman in his life and your daughter the most important child. Now thats going to change and you don't like it. I understand that you feel like this but you have to try and let it go. A lot of people feel the same about significant exes- and tbh it doesn't matter who split up with you. I hated when my ex met someone else and was settling down- it didn't matter that I didn't want him - he was supposed to want me for ever!
I do think the age and the termination make it worse. That could have been you- what might have been is powerful

MothratheMighty Fri 07-Feb-14 09:37:24

'he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child'

You are jealous of her? Poor, deceived young woman in love with this vile pretence of a human being.
She deserves support, and he deserves a vasectomy with secateurs and no anaesthetic.

SpinDoctorofAethelred Fri 07-Feb-14 09:39:09

I'm not sure who I feel most sorry for: you, OP, because all these years later you're still attached to a manipulative, two-faced git, and I'm getting the impression you didn't want to terminate, or his present girlfriend, who is still with a man who was hoping for foetal abnormalities at the scan.

It's like a book by Jodi Picoult, it really is. Maybe it's the baby in all this to be pitied most. You and his girlfriend will be able to move on one day (you technically have already) but that baby will always have a foul person for a father.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 07-Feb-14 09:39:12

oh my god. He is vile.

I am amazed that the emotion you feel is jealousy and not revulsion, tbh.

bochead Fri 07-Feb-14 10:02:02

Your ex is NOT good Daddy material because:-

1/ You were persuaded to terminate
2/ This lady has been more stubborn, so he's hoping nature will do the job the hospital won't.

I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure he intends to stick around long term for his child. What parent WANTS their child to have a disability? That's just not normal ffs!

I honestly think you need to do two things, before his dysfunction destroys your own family

1/ See a therapist to work through your feelings about your termination as I get the impression that although it seemed the sensible thing to do at the time, you have regrets.
2/ Distance yourself from this man after telling him straight that he needs to man up - 41 and about to be a Dad means his Peter Pan fantasy is a bust now.

Then I think you need to count your blessings as you have a decent partner who is not only raising one child with you, but is looking forward to trying for number two!

If you hate your job then find another one (I know it's not easy but it's better to focus your energy somewhere constructive at this point in time!). It does sound as if the hours you are doing are leaving you exhausted and none of us think rationally when we are over tired. With those hours you need to devote your scanty free time to your own family right now.

kilmuir Fri 07-Feb-14 10:06:58

You have an odd relationship with your EX.
Grow up. Stop listening to his stupid remarks, tell him its a horrid thing he has said.
Stop being so involved and available

DamnBamboo Fri 07-Feb-14 10:11:26

Dear god.

Sounds like you and deserve each other quite frankly.

His poor, poor girlfriend! And your poor husband.

Annakin31 Fri 07-Feb-14 10:20:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pianodoodle Fri 07-Feb-14 10:26:19

It's perfectly normal for you to secretly hope that your ex will never find anyone better than you. It's not normal though to keep in touch with him for years and make him godfather to your child

I'm the other way round actually! An ex of mine is godfather to our child and a great family friend.

He also has a nice new girlfriend and I've never wished him anything other happiness!

PoshPaula Fri 07-Feb-14 10:30:50

He's your EX. That means whatever he does is none of your business. And vice versa.

You and him sound very well suited.

shewhowines Fri 07-Feb-14 10:33:53

YANBU to feel jealous. YABU to not meet her and allow her into "your gang" You have moved on and he should be able to.

It does seem an unhealthy relationship. Ex should have easily been able to tell both you and DH about his new girlfriend. Something is odd if he felt the need to come and see you specially and privately.

How happy is your marriage? Be honest. If it's not, then you need to address that, but your ex is not the answer.
Would your life be any happier if you were still married to ex?

Sort out your own life. These feelings have highlighted the need for this. The ex and his girlfriend are irrelevant.

Please be kind to DH. You are in current danger of losing him too.

tracypenisbeaker Fri 07-Feb-14 10:42:49

Get a life. How you can still love someone who wishes horrible things on a baby... because you are obviously not overhim. It's not normal to be involved with an ex to that extent.

God, I cant get over how controlling and nasty you come across. I hope that girl sees sense, because you are obviously not going to drop him in it, are you?

Cravey Fri 07-Feb-14 11:30:27

That poor woman. He sounds like a prize idiot. And you don't sound much nicer if I'm honest. Maybe you two should get back together and leave her and her child alone.

mrsjay Fri 07-Feb-14 11:38:03

you both sound really quite self centred and egotistical the reason you are still friends are you are very much alike and I think you like his around to inflate your ego you jealous of a young woman who is with your EX and for fucks sake him wanting the scan to show something, you sound well suited to each other, and i feel sorry for this woman who is stuck with this arsehole for the next 18 yrs because the child will always link them,

Cobain Fri 07-Feb-14 11:56:35

Has her age and then her pregnancy took you back to the time you had at 22 and you have not been able to come to terms with that.

mrsjay Fri 07-Feb-14 11:59:30

oh and another thing you are jealous because the EX might not be around as much for you

mrsjay Fri 07-Feb-14 12:02:04

maybe seeing what you have written type will let you see that this man is no good in your life and what an arse he is, can you imagine your childs father saying to his EX he hoped something would be wrong in the scan looking at your own child can you imagine anybody saying such nasty things about her,

nevergoogle Fri 07-Feb-14 12:13:22

you are so out of order it's hard to know where to start.

what horrible self-centred behaviour.

NaggingNellie Fri 07-Feb-14 12:23:17

What a monster you're ex is, I won't waste any further breath on you, if you aren't repulsed it you can't be much better.

Fudgeface123 Fri 07-Feb-14 12:29:23

You sound perfect for each other

Viviennemary Fri 07-Feb-14 12:31:48

Your ex hoped at every scan there was something wrong with the baby. Have you any idea of how dreadful that sounds. I would be sickened and disgusted if that was my ex or indeed anyone speaking like that. It seems like you haven't really moved on from your ex. Why don't you take a step back and let them get on with their lives. It's the only decent thing to do.

lottieandmia Fri 07-Feb-14 12:32:22

It sounds as if you have never got over your ex. You are with someone else, have a child together and yet you still want to be around your ex all the time. That doesn't sound healthy to me.

Petitealouette Fri 07-Feb-14 12:35:07

Op, are you gathering ideas for a trash novel? hmm

brettgirl2 Fri 07-Feb-14 12:36:06

yabu nothing else to say sad

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 07-Feb-14 12:44:04

How can you be friends with someone who wishes their baby could die of a problem?

Your thread title is bollocks too as no where does it seem the lady has "crippling" jealously. You only know what the twat has told you.

Not that the OP will be back. I doubt very much she expected these responses.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 07-Feb-14 12:44:59

Were you hoping he would knock you up as you wanting another child has nothing to do with him having one with someone else.

ViviDeBeauvoir Fri 07-Feb-14 12:45:38

Are you for real?

If you are, both you and your ex sound like utter cunts who deserve each other.
That poor girl, poor baby and your poor DP.

Dysfunctional.

Bonsoir Fri 07-Feb-14 12:48:37

How can you be jealous of a 22 year old who has lived at home with her parents and engineers pregnancy so that she can move straight in with an older, richer man to avoid taking responsibility for herself? Her life is totally doomed.

needaholidaynow Fri 07-Feb-14 12:57:24

he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child

OP, take it from me. She is better off WITHOUT HIM. He sounds like a horrible horrible person and if I was her I'd make you welcome to him

PoshPaula Fri 07-Feb-14 13:04:51

Horrible people. I'm sorry to hear that people like this exist. (If they do, and this is a genuine post).

Hedgehead Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:00

I feel for you. This has raised old issues for you and there is often a lot of grief around early pregnancies that were not seen through for some reason or another.

Unlike others I don't think you are still in love with your ex, I just think you have been relying on quite a specific a world view with your ex in it, but not in the position he is currently in. This position (dating a younger woman and her being pregnant) has made you feel uncomfortable as you have realised you cannot control what you thought you could control, especially as you would like another child, and especially as you thought that you and your ex had a certain unspoken 'understanding' about life/children/your relationship/whatever.

Try and unravel what your expectations were and compare them to the reality of what has happened...

needaholidaynow Fri 07-Feb-14 13:11:03

He sounds like he is putting YOU at the centre of his life. He wishes his baby would die because it would suit YOU. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to cope and he obviously needs to consider your feelings.

Littleen Fri 07-Feb-14 13:56:33

I reckon you are jealous because she's 22 and got things that you did not have at that age, and you wish you did. I don't think it's linked to the fact she's with your ex, from what you write - it's just been triggered by it. However - he sounds like a total dick what with his comments about baby and all, and his gf (regardless of whether she got pg on purpose) is obviously very immature and have now got her in a mess that will last a lifetime.

Also wondering where your OH is in all this? I wouldn't want exes involved that much, nor would my other half. Also, I was really happy when my ex found someone else, as I still felt guilty for breaking his heart! He's single again now, and I just feel sad about it, as all he wants is a wife and kids and a happy, easy life. You should be able to feel the same about your ex, though he obviously does not have the same goals in life as my ex.

pigletmania Fri 07-Feb-14 14:02:30

Windy you sound unhappy with your life, tat s why you are still hankering after ex, and are jealous of his gf. You need to cut ties with him, leave him alone with his on life, and work on improving yours! He sounds awful, wishing herbal things on his unborn child, and treating his gf so shoddily.

pigletmania Fri 07-Feb-14 14:03:21

Horrible not herbal, silly auto correct

PedantMarina Fri 07-Feb-14 14:16:34

Please, do give her the URL to Mumsnet. I think she needs us.

Birdinthebush Fri 07-Feb-14 14:57:34

OP there is no need to be jealous of this relationship .He is already resentfull of the pregnancy, and has her down as manipulative/gold digger. It's not going to work and if they do stay together because of the child he is only going to feel more resentfull.My advice is look at your own issues and try to soft them out. Let your ex get one with his own life

Pigeonhouse Fri 07-Feb-14 15:05:16

OP, she's very young, inexperienced in life insofar as she's never left home before, and in a relationship with a much older man who (a) has an unhelpfully close relationship with an ex who still has a lot of unresolved feelings for him and (b) who wishes harm to their unborn baby. What part of her life is enviable?

Petitealouette Fri 07-Feb-14 16:43:39

Where is the OP? confused

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 17:03:18

Maybe the OP has sobered up and realized two things. One she is being petty and a knob. Two, her ex is a twat.

Your Ex is a prize knob. At 41 years old there should be no doubt in his mind that unprotected sex = pregnancy.

To then wish harm upon that poor woman's unborn child - HIS unborn child - is just disgusting IMHO.

If I were you I would give yourself a shake and slap some sense into your ex! You say this girl has everything you never had but it looks to me like all she has is a relationship with a rather vile excuse for a man. She is better off out of it!

BetteDavis01 Fri 07-Feb-14 17:16:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Finaldeskination1 Fri 07-Feb-14 17:28:58

You both sound delightful.

I think this is a reverse.

pertempsnooo Fri 07-Feb-14 17:55:55

OP come back! But I also think it sounds like a reverse.

pinkteddy Fri 07-Feb-14 18:03:33

God some of you have been really horrible on here. Your lives are all perfect I assume? OP has been really open and honest and probably isn't proud of her feelings.

OP come back. There has been some great advice in amongst the nasty stuff.

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 07-Feb-14 18:54:15

My ex's much younger girlfriend (she was 19 he was 39, when they started going out, and it was very soon after he dumped me when I was pregnant, he's a dickhead basically) moved straight from uni into his very expensive house while I struggled to rent at the time. I actually feel sorry for her, she's missed out on normal life experiences and has no idea about normal life for someone her age, and also she's with a stupid arsehole partner. Yes, it would be nice to have free housing at that age, but don't you think that actually the experience of working for your own home makes it feel better in the end? I can look at my house and think 'that's MINE, which I bought for myself', she will never be able to do that and I can pity her for being a bit pathetic and lacking independence.

Logg1e Fri 07-Feb-14 18:56:42

pinkteddy which part makes you think she isn't proud (other than in reference to her jealousy)?

hickorychicken Fri 07-Feb-14 19:22:23

What is a reverse?

halfwildlingwoman Fri 07-Feb-14 19:24:05

I think some posters have been really cruel. Bettedavis01, that was unnecessary really. A personal attack pretty much.
OP, he does sound like an awful man. You have a lovely husband and family, find a way to move on.

MistressDeeCee Fri 07-Feb-14 22:15:28

Try (a) wishing disability &/or death on an unborn child & (b)a woman who is a wife & mother herself, wanting this 'man' around & not wishing well for his pregnant gf, for "cruelty". There's a better "c" word for them both. Posters are veritable angels in comparison

Morloth Fri 07-Feb-14 22:24:23

pinkteddy a man who is hoping his baby will suffer and die is not a man to want.

MistressDeeCee Fri 07-Feb-14 22:28:46

What's so brave about admitting something like that from behind a screen anyway? I bet OP's DH doesn't know a thing either. He's being played for a mug. I don't know OP (thank god)so no personal attack from me - but ANYBODY who wishes harm on an unborn child and a woman who can actually listen to that without berating whoever says it..whilst STILL holding malice against the woman actually carrying that innocent child - amounts to zero in my book. Callous doesn't cover it. I couldn't care less if they're scorned. I hope their combined actions don't disturb his gf's mind & emotions whilst she's pregnant. I'm sorry for her.

Sharaluck Fri 07-Feb-14 22:44:19

Yanbu. I think it is understandable to feel how you do. I think your termination at 22 has a lot to do with it.

However you need to move on for the sake of your family and yourself. Distance yourself from his immediately and try to put all thoughts about it out of your head.

flowers flowers

IwasLate Fri 07-Feb-14 22:51:15

Let's just hope that your ex new gf
Know nothing about your ex wishes

From rl I actually know someone who have been constantly scared about potential illnesses gens problems while being pregnant
It was absolutely damaging for that person and quite cruel thing to do for guy who did it

Well my only conclusion luckily he is your ex

honeybunny14 Fri 07-Feb-14 22:57:22

I feel so sorry for his poor girlfriend he sounds horrid. Why your are feeling like this after 10 years apart is just weird i think you need to get over it now.

Nokidsnoproblem Sat 08-Feb-14 00:21:30

I think you need to do two things:

1. I think you need to encourage your friend to be honest with this poor lady. She deserves to know his true feelings and what he is really like. If he dosen't tell her how cruel he has been about her behind her back then you should tell her. She will find out what he's like one day. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

2. You need to focus on your own husband and child, not your ex and his baby.

You have a chance to make this better. Please do so.

LondonNicki Sat 08-Feb-14 00:36:05

Get over your ex. It's not fair on your current partner. Cut the chord...imagine if your DP was the one writing this, how would you feel?

FlockOfTwats Sat 08-Feb-14 01:31:54

I feel sorry for both of you TBH. This man does not sound very nice. I think you are in a far better position than her though - She is 22 and having a child with a man who treats her like this? Wishing these things on his child? Wishing the emotional devastation on her? And having private little meet ups with an ex?

GhettoPrincess001 Sat 08-Feb-14 03:47:33

The OP had a termination and is now envious of her ex-partner (and father of her unborn/terminated child) being the Dad to a newborn baby ?

I guess it wouldn't matter so much if the OP wasn't still in love with him. Why isn't the relationship and child/ren that she now has with her current partner enough ?

Why did she have to keep him as a close friend ? How come she even knows what he's doing with his life. I can't help but wonder how her current partner would feel if he knew how conflicted she was about this.

I'm thinking that her ex's new baby is bringing back memories of her termination.

Being envious that she will get to spend more time with the baby because she is a school teacher confused

Also, you mean he's got a 22 year old who hasn't even left home yet up the duff at the age of forty ? Yeah, that'll last.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sat 08-Feb-14 07:25:29

OP?

Why oh why do people insist on spoiling threads by being foul to OP? Consequently, OP goes AWOL and we never get any more juicy dialogue. Wise up people! If you're more subtle in your bitchiness you can up the threads entertainment value and shelf life.

tracypenisbeaker Sat 08-Feb-14 13:06:51

Wombles, thats a tad insensitive, considering there is a baby involved sad Im not entertained by threads like this, they make me despair.

Tracy, interesting point. I'm pro-choice so don't see it as a baby at the moment. There's a lot of dramatic 'think of the baby' floating around on what I thought was a pro-choice site.

Meh. Each to their own.

tracypenisbeaker Sat 08-Feb-14 13:25:15

Well, Im pro choice too, but i hate to think of 'potential' babies being born into situations like this, where the father wished abnormalities on them. Regardless of whether you think a foetus has a right to life, its pretty fucked up for someone to wish that on their own kid. Just not a normal thought process whatsoever.

hickorychicken Sat 08-Feb-14 13:30:19

I agree womble, think weve scared her off with our eagerness.

wouldbemedic Sat 08-Feb-14 13:30:39

You'll lose him from your life if you don't include her. You don't sound as sorry about this vindictive feeling as perhaps is warranted. Neither you nor your ex sound pleasant and mention of your DH is notably absent. Truth is you have stuff she doesn't and vice verca. You have your DH. You can't make demands on two men. He's completely free to do as he pleases and your role is to support him. But it's wrong of both of you to discuss his situation with his new GF. That's undermining them and of course you're in no position to offer fair advice. Seems like you've never really cut the ties with this guy. What's with all these special trips to see you and give you important news? Like you're the spurned woman he's got to be sensitive about? I can see why the new gf might be horribly jealous of you and I think it's more justified. This rage could be because you've been a bit pandered to by your ex for years and now that hold is loosening. I think the new gf's desire to be included is wise and understandable. Your refusal is petty and ungracious and your reason is laughable. I think you need to step back and focus on what you have. Don't brood and allow some distance to come between you and your ex while he sorts his life and new relationship out. You risk dividing a new baby's parents and causing great suffering. Your spite could have long lasting consequences - and you won't get any peace of mind by harming this fragile little family. Personally I think this girl and her baby will probably suffer greatly regardless. Imagine yourself in her position. Have some shame. (the good sort).

needaholidaynow Sat 08-Feb-14 14:02:14

Just because you don't see the baby as a baby yet womble, doesn't make wishing bad things on the baby acceptable. Therefore I don't see it as being dramatic at all for people to be disgusted and upset by what the OP's ex has said. There's no excuse for it. It's appalling

FlockOfTwats Sat 08-Feb-14 14:28:34

Womble

It's not just about how he feels about the baby. OP said 'every scan he wishes there were something wrong with it' - That goes further than not wanting the baby, I mean, Wishing that sort of devastation on his 20 year younger partner? That's the worst part of the baby thing IMO. Most normal people wouldn't wish that on their worst enemy, never mind the woman they are meant to love.

Flock, to play devil's advocate, his motive MAY be that he was 'tricked' into the pregnancy by his partner saying she was on the pill. It happens often, and yes, if he was that concerned he should have used a condom, but maybe he trusted her? Trust is a central component of a relationship, yeah?

To him, the fetus may not seem like a baby (men can more easily detach from pregnancy for obvious reasons) and so his words weren't as horrific to him as it appears to us mother hens. Some men don't 'bond' in any sense until they see and hold their actual babies. I'm not condoning the bad thing he said, just diluting it somewhat.

Caitlin17 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:48:04

Your post provoked a wow just wow response from me, which I once said on here. I'd never use.

I'm not sure which of you is worse- you and your narcissistic jealousy and selfishness or his idea that he's been trapped in to being a father.

What a pity you split up. You sound ideal for each other.

Caitlin, can you not comprehend how a man might feel trapped or duped into being a father?

FlockOfTwats Sat 08-Feb-14 15:49:49

I can understand that. Personally i struggle massively with empathy and i'm quite cold and clinical about these things. I've never suffered a late term loss. I did nearly die when i had an ectopic pregnancy though, And i had an incomplete miscarriage. I wasn't upset about the pregnancy loss. I didn't know i was pregnant and i didn't think of it as a baby. Especially the ectopic.

When i was told about it it wasn't a baby, it was an illness to me and it was killing me (Tube had ruptured, i was in that much pain i wanted to die and i was bleeding internally, Surgeon said another day and i wouldn't have been there talking about it).

I couldn't wish that on someone. Not for the loss. But the personal effect.

Maybe its because he's not seen that. I get that. I wouldn't have thought about it like that either before. I am guilty of assuming everyone thinks like me.

But the later thoughts, i would have thought anyone could see wishing for their partner to go through delivering a baby like that... not alive.. Would be horrific.

I dont know. It just seems like an awful situation all round. I feel sorry for the OP and for the woman he is with. Even without the baby situation, I don't think he seems very nice. I wouldn't be happy if my partner were having private meet ups with his ex.

FlockOfTwats Sat 08-Feb-14 15:50:29

The OP isn't being narcissistic. She is naive. Not narcissistic.

Thing is, we've scared off OP so now we can't find out any more details. We'll never know how the story ends.

(prepares for sleepless nights)

Oblomov Sat 08-Feb-14 16:00:38

Wooooosh
And the OP was gone.
Quelle suprise !!

Caitlin17 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:05:18

wombles no I have no sympathy whatsoever with the I "was trapped" nonsense. Sex makes babies, contraception can fail, even the pill can fail.

If a grown man can't cope with that then don't have sex. I'm the mother of a son and he will get very short shrift if he ever trots that line out.

Caitlin17 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:08:05

Sorry wombles , yes I can comprehend some idiot man trying to feel sorry for himself using that thinking but I'd have no sympathy for him.

innisglas Sat 08-Feb-14 16:44:59

It is a shame people have been so judgmental here. Jealousy is not a logical thing and I presume that is why the OP posted here because she does like or understand it.

Innogen Sat 08-Feb-14 16:50:05

I feel sorry for the OPs partner. She is in love with her ex.

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