To be upset and on the verge of tears because of this letter

(58 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 16:51:00

Since i had my daughter my life has been pretty much ruled by intrusive thoughts.

I think about my children dying constantly. I check on them compulsively. I don't sleep because of it. I sleep for a few hours from around 5am in two hour blocks. Every few days i'll have a five hour solid block.

I don't let them do things like eat with forks sometimes because i think they will somehow stab themselves in the back of the mouth (I had a dream about it once that triggered that particular one).

When i first told a doctor about it, the doctor didn't listen and told an emergency team of psychiatrists that i was suicidal (I was not, and i had never said i was, she asked and i said no i was not suicidal!). I ended up shoutingat the psychiatrists to make it stop, give me drugs or something i didnt care what they did i just wanted it to stop.

DDs Dad played on it a lot and has probably made it worse. He used to tell me she had been really ill when she hadn't (He told me i'd given her salmonella once and she had been really ill, she hadn't had salmonella at all, things like that). I have panic attacks if he emails me (She lives with him, our agreement) now thinking somethings wrong with her.

I have two sons now too. It worsened after DS1s birth then calmed down a bit. Now its worse again. I'm constantly thinking about my own death. I'm going to die one day. and i dont wont to. Everything triggers it. I read something about the space craft thats the furhtest man made thing from us. It'll be close to a certain star in 40, 000 years. That was it. I couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the night. Even things that are meant to be funny trigger periods of obsession and nothing else can get into my head. I don't want to just not be here. I'm so desperate for there to be something else. I've been reading about theories on the universe, peoples ideas about how time works (Circular time etc, the idea that everything repeats, the end of the universe being the oposite of a big bang, a big 'crunch' which triggers another big bang and then everything starts again, repeats, like in futurama if youve seen that episode).

Finally though, someone has listened to me. After nearly 5 years. It feels like i'm getting somewhere. I had an appointment with the mental health team on the 11th of february. Now theyve cancelled it and won't see me till the end of march.

I know i'm going to be seen but it was so close and i thought it wouldn't be long now finally and i'll be normal again and now it's nearly 8 knobbing weeks away. 8 more weeks of feeling like a bastard neurotic paranoid freak.

I feel like such a loser being upset about this though. It's only 8 weeks. but now it feels like a life time away again.

Fairy1303 Wed 05-Feb-14 16:56:04

You poor love. I would phone them and say exactly what you have said here. Say it is urgent.

I hope you get the support lovely.

You are being really brave x

IHaveSeenMyHat Wed 05-Feb-14 17:04:10

Well done for taking the steps to accessing help. Try calling them and asking if they have any cancellations.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:08:27

I did think of calling but i assumed theyd given the next available appointment.

I will ring them tomorrow as i think it will be too late now smile

I'm just fed up of my stupid brain working like this.

shewhowines Wed 05-Feb-14 17:14:31

It's a setback but you are already on the path to getting help. That's the hard bit. It's disappointing but not your fault. Hang in there. Try ringing them but if they can't bring it forward then look at it as just a bump in the path, on the journey that you are undertaking to sort yourself out. You will get there in the end.

Sorry not to be any real help.

thanks

Punkatheart Wed 05-Feb-14 17:24:01

You are not a loser, but a good mum who is very sensitive. There are ways they can help you and I wish you the best of luck. Why not unload your thoughts and worries on here, among friends. If it helps, of course.

CailinDana Wed 05-Feb-14 17:28:14

You have been really badly let down by the NHS. You should have had proper treatment 5 years ago. You must have incredible strength and stamina to deal with such an exhausting and frightening illness on your own for so long, particularly when your arsehole of an ex has been using it against you.

Call them tomorrow. They may be able to squeeze you in sooner. If they don't, go back to the gp and say you need some form of treatment now.

Btw the gp five years ago may have said you were suicidal as sometimes that's the only way to get a referral.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:30:29

Thankyou guys.

Punk its all just about death really. Its like its the only thing i can think about. I read a thing about historical images too. And now i think the human race are just absolute bastards. We're awful. I know a lot about nazis etc (The war always interested me). But some of these things were just too awful for words.The sri lankan and cambodian killing fields. apartheid, genocide etc. Why are people so god damned horrible?!

And then the disasters we've had - Chernobyl, bhopal etc. All those poor people. Its so sad. Its all i can think about.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:32:04

Its like my brain is just overloaded constantly with those things. My children dying, my own death and these horrible things. Its like it doesnt stop. Its like being shouted at 24/7.

My mum used to shout a lot and my mind feels like that 24/7 just listening to shouting all day and night.

canweseethebunnies Wed 05-Feb-14 17:52:49

I googled this recently as my dd (age 4) occasionally suffers from intrusive thoughts. From what I can gather its a form of OCD called Morbid Thought OCD. Maybe you could access some support through an OCD charity whilst you wait for the mental health appointment so you don't feel like you're just having to wait with no help?

I'm keeping an eye on it with my dd as it's only very occasional. Generally when she's particularly anxious. I may need to seek help for her if it carries on/ gets worse.

Hope you get it sorted op thanks

canwesee is right, it's a form of OCD, my friend had it after the birth of her 2nd child, she constantly thought he was going to die,and thought she was harming him herself, and used to check on him every few mins, and wrapped him in so much cotton wool he couldn't breathe!
She got help and was given antidepressants and CBT which helped a lot, this was 16 years ago, she is fine now but will always be a 'worrier'
give them a ring OP to see if you can go sooner, if not hang in there, they WILL help you thanks

Poppylovescheese Wed 05-Feb-14 18:25:37

I second what everyone else says, give them a call and explain you feel it is urgent. Also tell them you can take a short notice cancellation appointment as I am sure one of those would come up before the end of March. x

Juliaparker25 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:30:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:36:16

I was also going to say it sounds a bit like OCD. A friend had similar thoughts and I think prozac helped her a lot. It took the edge off things so she could function. Hang on in there and get the help you need. I hope you've got a friend that can maybe go with you to things, just to be your voice if it's hard to explain or push for anything. Can you go back to the GP and see someone else a bit more sympathetic? A GP might be able to escalate it quicker than waiting until March. Take care.

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:37:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 18:40:08

Julia is there any need for that?

Yes ive been told before that my symptoms tally with certain forms of OCD. I was told post natal OCD but that was before the thoughts about myself started, when it was solely related to my kids.

My step mum has OCD and she said what i describe is very much like her, just about different things (where as id obsess over myself, kids or someone else say, falling off something, she has compulsions to jump off or push someone- she is under psychiatric care though and has bi polar and schitzophrenia too, she manages hers quite well with her psychiatrists help).

stargirl1701 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:45:55

OP, have you heard of Mindfulness? It might help you get through the next 8 weeks if you can't get an earlier appointment.

It's a way of separating yourself from your thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Have a google and see what you think. I had ACT therapy for intrusive thoughts and there are online resources for that too. Go onto You Tube and search for ACT therapy. The 'passengers on the bus' really resonated with me.

There is hope. You can get better. Just hang on. I would call and see if you can get an earlier appt and say to the secretary that you would take any cancellation.

thanksthanksthanks

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:46:56

Ignore her, Flock. Go and see the GP - tomorrow or Friday. Insist it's urgent and take someone, please. Don't cope alone. I would say the GP would suggest a course of anti-depressants. Persist with them but also get the GP to push for some quicker help than March.

Juliaparker25 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:49:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported your post Julia, its you who needs to get a grip.

Fairy1303 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:57:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flock I had something similar, triggered by childbirth (with both children) - I've PM'ed you about the treatment I had. It did get better very quickly; I didn't need drugs as I was seen within a few weeks but I wonder if it would help you in the meantime so you don't get to crisis point/feel you can't cope. So sorry you've not had much luck with local MH services but I would second what Tabliope says and ask GP if they can get things speeded up.

EmmaTeapots Wed 05-Feb-14 18:59:12

I have reported Julia too

AnnaBullerby Wed 05-Feb-14 19:00:23

take a look at this talk by RubyWax. If you have Kindle you can download her book Sane New World.

I've been finding it really helpful in understand why my mind is overwhelmed with negative thoughts and learning how to master it.

trixymalixy Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:19

Have also reported Julia for that disgusting little post.

SecretWitch Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:33

Julia, if you have nothing supportive to say to this OP, please don't comment. She is clearly suffering.

My heart goes out to you,OP. I hope you can find relief soon. flowers

Finola1step Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:50

Julia you should be ashamed of your reaction to another human being who is having a very tough time and is asking for support.

I think you should take a long hard look at yourself.

trixymalixy Wed 05-Feb-14 19:04:06

OP, my DH suffers from anxiety similar to yours which has been greatly helped by being prescribed Citalopram (I think).

thanks

ToffeeWhirl Wed 05-Feb-14 19:10:25

Flock - I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. It sounds just like OCD to me. My son suffers from it and has been greatly helped with medication and CBT with Exposure-Response Prevention. OCD-UK have an advice line it might be worth calling (click here).

I also agree with others saying you should ring back and ask for a cancellation. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Paleninteresting Wed 05-Feb-14 19:17:31

Dear Flock, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Julia get lost, your post has appalled me so much.
I have had similar thoughts for a number of years, all death related. I second the suggestion of Mindfulness, it is a very self caring approach and in my personal experience Mindfulness delivered by a trained and experienced facilitator was and continues to be life changing. I also second ringing the team to get an earlier appointment.
Handholding if that helps.

aquashiv Wed 05-Feb-14 19:17:51

Mindfulness is brilliant.
You sound really intelligent with a huge amount going on sometimes it's hard to switch it all off.
What the others have said is spot on you will find peace keep asking. You are not a freak.

LEMmingaround Wed 05-Feb-14 19:27:29

unwanted negative thoughts are horrible, i hope that you manage to see someone soon - as soeone upthread said, get an appointment with your GP and ask for medication while you are waiting for counselling. There are some good links on here about MH, might be worth a look in the mean-time. I used to suffer from health anxiety, and i remember being obsessed with feeling DD1's glands in her neck - i remember we were late for school once because i kept stopping to feel them blush I was convinced she had somehow caught hiv from me. Medication has worked for me, along with counselling.

izzydazzling Wed 05-Feb-14 19:59:06

Hello OP, just wanted to say that you are absolutely positively not alone in thinking like this. I am 40 years old and have spent a lot of precious time thinking, worrying, brooding over things that haven't happened or won't happen for millions of years. It came to a head around the time the film 2012 was advertised everywhere. I couldn't escape the intrusive thoughts that came with seeing these adverts, crying in the night wondering what would happen to us, it must have been distressing for DH to listen to me, to hear me ask if he'd be prepared to kill us all rather than us suffer. Really, really hideous thoughts that haunted me day and night. In the end I went to the docs. It was good to get it out in the open, and I eventually saw a psychiatrist (?) who helped me with CBT. Those feelings haven't completely gone away but they're manageable and don't rule my life anymore. I've learned to avoid certain triggers (for example I don't click into any of the DM doomsday scenario articles or watch Horizon type programs on natural disasters or if someone starts a conversation about the banking crisis/global warming etc I tune out) as I know this will start me off. Please push for help, don't give up, you can get better and be happy again.

JackNoneReacher Wed 05-Feb-14 20:26:13

Is there a number on the letter? Ring and tell them you are desperate and ask if you can have a cancelled apt if one becomes available.

They will help you.

I used to be overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts. Its very upsetting just to think about the thoughts I used to have. There are ways to put this behind you.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:46:39

Thankyou ladies, i will google the suggestions here when in on my pc (in using my phone).

Didn't see julias other posts but im sure if i can deal with my bastard exs games a sad act hiding behind a pc isn't going to upset me.

There are a few contacts in the letter so i will look into them more tomorrow.

My OH doesn't understand much. Hes never had any experience with MH problems. He gets it a bit more since we had a talk about it but he doesn't know what to do for me really.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:47:53

trixy that's what my step mum is on she said it helps a lot

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:49:34

Its so helpful knowing others have had the same and similar experiences to the ladies who have shared theirs thanks

itsbetterthanabox Wed 05-Feb-14 21:59:10

I have intense anxiety problems. I am currently receiving CBT and take sertraline and beta blockers, both have been very helpful.
The crisis team can help you if you feel at breaking point. They can let you see a psychiatrist too.

mercibucket Wed 05-Feb-14 22:11:26

this might sound odd but it is also worth running blood tests. i suffered similarly for years but since my underactive thyroid was treated i have not had such thoughts. sometimes my meds make me go hyperthyroid a little and the compulsive thoughts return

mercibucket Wed 05-Feb-14 22:12:55

sorry i hope that doesnt make you more anxious sad it is a v simple one off blood test and then really easy to treat.

SeaSickSal Wed 05-Feb-14 22:20:58

Could you ask your GP for a short term course of tranquilisers? Tell them how much you are struggling and that you are going to find it difficult to wait until March. They might help in the short term.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Wed 05-Feb-14 22:23:03

CBT helped me tackle similar thoughts. Sending lots of positive thoughts op, you have been very brave dealing with this. Hang on in there.

augenblick Wed 05-Feb-14 22:26:47

Sane, a mental health charity, run a phone line that is open to 11pm. Info is here; http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/helpline

It's worth saying that if you feel you are a danger to yourself you can call the Samaritans or even 999 for urgent help.

Well done brave lady for talking to us about it. Thinking of you x

Mellowandfruitful Wed 05-Feb-14 22:29:39

I can't add anything to the good advice here but I'd echo the suggestion of ringing and saying you are really in need of an urgent appointment and if they should get a cancellation, please can they let you know as you will take any appt that comes up even at very short notice. They will almost certainly have cancellations and you could well get in.

You are obviously really struggling with all this and I wish you lots of luck for getting help. Apart from anything else, the lack of proper sleep will be making it harder and harder to deal with all the other issues as you just can't function well without a decent amount of sleep (as many of us probably know even if we haven't had your other feelings). flowers

AGoodPirate Thu 06-Feb-14 08:19:50

I've been a bit like this at times. I "self medicate" by reading all the time, as I walk down the street, as I cook, literally all the time.

I hope you get some help at the doctors. Good luck. x

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 08:38:31

Mindfulness mediation can REALLY help with this. Google "what mediation really is".

wishful75 Thu 06-Feb-14 10:45:26

Please get a thyroid function blood test.

pregnancy can trigger post partum thyroid diseases that are quite common. It happened to my friend and she was diagnosed with post natal depression but the doctors often get it mixed up. The symptoms you describe sound very similar but it is a serious medical condition that needs specific meds and all the anxiety treatment in the world wont cure it. She's fine now but it is very serious left untreated so its certainly worth a blood test to rule it out.

gordyslovesheep Thu 06-Feb-14 11:21:11

hope you manage to get an quicker apt OP. I had awful anxiety following the birth of my third child - I wouldn't even had a bath (I did shower!) because I was scared something would happen - I imagined all sorts of dreadful things - it can get better with help x

AngelinaCongleton Thu 06-Feb-14 11:29:29

Just wanted to say, my mum had a similar phobia many years ago after children. She doesn't now. It has got immeasurably better for her. Hoping for the best for you. Good luck x

ToffeeWhirl Thu 06-Feb-14 11:51:09

I think you mean meditation, Balaboosta grin.

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 14:11:50

And - poor you. This sounds awful. I appreciate what you're going through having suffered phobic anxieties that got out of hand when children appear. Fwiw being separated from your children can play havoc with your mind on an unconscious level, that for me results in me experiencing dreadful anxiety. Your feelings are not irrational. Or without cause. But meditation teaches one to "tame the untamed mind", which is relevant to you I think. Wishing you best of luck.

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 14:18:28

Fuck yeah - meditation! As toffeewhirl says!

Littleen Thu 06-Feb-14 22:06:42

I can relate, I struggle with OCD which at times includes intrusive thoughts (started in childhood so not birth related). It truly is lifewrecking. I can understand your frustration with getting treatment - when I was in that situation 2 years ago I resorted to going to a hypnotherapist for a while. It cost a fortune, but it did the trick for me until I was able to get other help. I see there's lots of good advice on here, so I hope you find a solution that works for you, atleast until you can get something more permanent in place. Good luck!

Thatballwasin Thu 06-Feb-14 22:25:32

Hi Flock, phone the GP, please do, stress the urgency. I've had three periods of really intrusive OCD, the last one basically ruined a year of university for me, I had to take the year out. I didn't know about OCD at the time, I didn't realise other people felt the way I did, I thought I was just a bit mad and people would distance themselves from me. My mum once told me I was a "loony" when she caught me doing a sequence of things I felt I had to do to make sure everyone I loved would be ok.

I got help, I spoke to someone, I felt less alone and I haven't had a proper episode in almost 20 years. I was a bit worried before having the DCs that it might set my brain running again but I'd had to develop mental tricks to push the thoughts away before and they have kept working as something I can fall back on when I need to and it has stopped me spiralling, I'm never close to being where I was.

With my last episode (20 yrs ago) I ended up with a little chant to myself when the thoughts popped into my head. It was almost like they were fighting for my attention, if I managed to push one away, the next one would be worse as if my brain was trying to say "ha, you won't be able to ignore this one! Got ya". My little chant of "no, I'm not going to agree with that" (the thoughts were along the lines of "have to do this or that horrible thing will happen to person you love most, etc"), the chant helped calm me down, to centre myself (like with mindfulness), help bring me back to myself.

Please call the GP tomorrow, x

PeriodFeatures Thu 06-Feb-14 23:35:31

Flock I'm glad you feel able to speak to someone about this. Thank you for sharing what must be awfully hard thing to share. Intrusive thoughts are all consuming arn't they?

I'm currently experiencing similar issue,, different thoughts but similarly intrusive constant thought that are stopping me from enjoying being a parent and being constantly worried and anxious. Yove helped me realize i probably ought to see a Dr too.

Here flowers I love your name btw.

fivefourtime Fri 07-Feb-14 04:50:07

Yes, phone your doc right away and do anything to get this treatment moved forward. I have this type of OCD (with Tourette's) and just... getting it out there, telling someone about it, getting it outside of the realm of your own head where it's been sitting for years and years - it doesn't make the problem go away but it helps such a lot.

You're not alone. Stay strong - a commendable step just posting here about this!

You poor poor thing, it must be horrific living in a state of constant terror like this.
I had something similar but in a very mild form after the birth of my older two children, I was fine if they were with me, but if anyone else was looking after them I would have awful thoughts about the things that might happen to them eg car going into the river, choking, pans of boiling water being tipped on them, and when they were a little older and sleeping away, about the house they were in catching fire, the plane we were going on holiday on crashing, sharks eating them as they swam in the sea. I'd have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat, or in the day I'd suddenly be struck by a random thought and near have a panic attack from it.
Even though my mind recognised the ridiculousness of what I was panicking about in most cases, my body still went into panic mode and stopped me sleeping or functioning properly. I eventually learned to block out the thoughts by refusing them access so to speak, and thinking about something pleasant instead. It gradually got better and I don't have them very often now and when I do they are fleeting and don't trigger the panic. I'm not saying this would work for you, My problems were very very mild in comparison.
I hope that they manage to squeeze you in for a consultation sooner than the 8 weeks they have given you and I can't believe your gp has let you continue like this for 5 years without a referral or any treatment for the anxiety.

Onsera3 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:13:03

It's understandable to be so upset by a setback like this with the way you are feeling.

I never suffered as badly as you did but I have experienced thoughts of a similar type though less extreme. Mild OCD type thoughts as a child culminating in anxiety and depression in twenties.

I just wanted to let you know that I eventually got on top of it and am seldom bothered by it. It took a couple of years and a bit of trial and error. I tried various antidepressants, psych and counselling. Taking some time out from everything really helped me work out what my triggers were. I realised that getting myself stressed about little things caused a kind of stress overload that made me anxious to the point of panic attacks. CBT is great. Found hormones and some oral contraceptives could contribute too.

It may take a while but I'm sure one day it will be better. Hang in there.

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