to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

(402 Posts)
YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 11:09:46

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs Wed 05-Feb-14 11:11:43

Hmm. This is interesting. I'm only due in July but my DH and I share everything already. Both of our salaries go into the same account, bills / mortgage / savings transferred out on the 1st of the month and then we both use the remainder as we see fit. Some months I spend more, some months he does. It just seems to work out - we don't ask permission or anything. Is there a particular reason you have a set amount? How much does your DP get?

softlysoftly Wed 05-Feb-14 11:11:55

Well I'm not one at the moment but when I was on maternity I could spend what we could afford as could DH. With no asking, no allowance.

Because I'm not a child to be given pocket money I'm an equal partner in a marriage.

Money for things for myself? Urm....nothing. Any money we have left over at the end of the month goes on the DC's.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 05-Feb-14 11:12:46

About £350 a month to spend on myself. More if I want it for a big purchase - new coat or boots etc.

I don't spend it most of the time.

When you say 'especially when there are birthdays etc' what do you mean by that?

WireCat Wed 05-Feb-14 11:13:29

All money goes into the bank. Everything comes out of there. He we want something expensive it has to be discussed as there wouldn't be the money to cover it.
I can get my hair done, but makeup whatever really.
That's the way it should be. It wasn't for years. But it is now & it's much better.

ScrabbleBabble Wed 05-Feb-14 11:13:36

My husband's money is my money too. I spend as I want, as does he - always agreeing with each other before we buy expensive things.

Finney2 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:13:55

I have exactly the same amount as my H has to spend on himself. Which is currently about a fiver a week but is normally more in the region of £40 a month. Why should there be any disparity between what you have and what he has to spend?

Overreactionoftheweek Wed 05-Feb-14 11:14:27

We have an equal split of whatever comes in - my dh couldn't do the hours he does if I wasn't doing everything else (I currently work 2 days a week but will eventually stop).

It's a partnership so there should be a even split imo. Are you only 'allowed' the child benefit money? Does dh have a lot more? Not acceptable in my mind if the answer is yes!

Florin Wed 05-Feb-14 11:14:36

We have a joint account and spend what we need. I would hate to be budgeted it doesn't seem fair. If either if us need to spend more than £100 we discuss it especially at the end of the month! Dh says I do just as important job as him so only fair to share money equally.

Chocotrekkie Wed 05-Feb-14 11:14:58

When I was a Sahm my oh and me talked all the time about the money.

So mid feb I would say "thinking of going shopping tomorrow - I am looking for some new jeans".

He would say "nice - can you get me some new socks while you are out" or "you do know the car insurance is due - its probably going to be about £400 and there is only £500 left in the bank for the month".

Basically I spent what I wanted as long as there was no other great need for the money.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Wed 05-Feb-14 11:15:16

The same as whatever their partner gets to spend, if it is causing issues.

Or in my case we spend whatever we want, because both of us are adults and aware of our financial position.

Finney2 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:15:18

Oh, and actually we don't tend to tot it up. More like he just pays his badminton subs and spends nothing else. And I just pay for everything else out of our joint account as I do all the organising etc for the whole family.

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 11:15:41

I had exactly the same as DH did. His wages went into the joint account and we both spent them however we needed or wanted to. I agree with the others, I had no allowance as I was an equal partner and together we decided I would stay at home with them rather than working therefore everything was joint.

What ever I want as long as we've got it. I don't need to ask and I don't get an allowance. Any big purchases I will run past DH to ask his opinion

plantsitter Wed 05-Feb-14 11:18:36

We each have 200 quid to spend on ourselves. It goes from the joint account into our personal accounts every month.

DH is usually overdrawn but I hardly ever spend mine.

Just means you can buy yourself something nice without having to discuss first, cos it's your own money.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 05-Feb-14 11:18:50

Where does the money you get come from? Is it just cb and how tight a budget is your whole household on?

MrsPMT Wed 05-Feb-14 11:19:28

I'm with softlysoftly I'm not a child to be given pocket money.

I buy whatever I want, if we feel we have spare money, as does DH, but big purchases we run by each other.

JoinTheDots Wed 05-Feb-14 11:19:28

Whatever I want, it's all family money.

In reality, I probably spend less than sixty quid a month (not including petrol and car tax or insurance) on myself and my side of the family or friends for birthdays, but that might be because I am very low maintenance in terms of clothes and beauty.

lilyaldrin Wed 05-Feb-14 11:19:49

I have access to the same money as DP - some months it's more, some it's less rather than a set amount.

Grumpykins Wed 05-Feb-14 11:20:37

You are very fortunate.

I work full time and I do not have that amount to spend on myself a month.

Dh and I earn a decent salary but after our high outgoings we give ourselves £70 pocket money. This has to cover clothes, hair, gifts, socialising.

We have stopped at having two children.

Creamycoolerwithcream Wed 05-Feb-14 11:21:01

DH have a joint account and both equal access to the money. If either of us want to spend over about �50 on an item we run it past each other to make sure there is money available that month. I have about �70 per week for me but rarely spend it all. I usually save some and buy a bigger thing every couple of months. I use the �70 for coffees, lunch with friends, eyebrows and car parking if I go shopping. I saved up and paid for a full year at my gym because it's half price if you pay in full.

It depends how much disposable income there is as a household surely? What is reasonable in a house where there is £200 isn't going to be the same where there is £1000. As softly says, both adults are equal partners so there shouldn't be any limit or supervision of what each is spending, each should take responsibility for what is a sensible amount?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 05-Feb-14 11:21:18

Just to say, mine isn't an 'allowance'. All the money goes into the joint, and we both take out the same amount each month to spend on our own stuff.

It harks back to the days when we were first together and had a joint account and we were skint as anything. We found it easier to be able to look at our personal account and think 'yes I can afford that' and we've just never revised the arrangement, although the amount of money we have has increased significantly.

It works well for us.

plantsitter Wed 05-Feb-14 11:21:48

And if I were buying for the kids Jonty would pay (as weaffectionately call the joint account).

FuckyNell Wed 05-Feb-14 11:22:17

I get £1000 cash from the bank every month. £700 I keep for 'housekeeping' oh how I love that word! And dh gets £300.

We have a joint account and can both spend freely. Large purchases are made jointly. Birthday presents come out of the joint pot as does haircuts, clothes, petrol, food etc. My contribution to the household is as valuable as my DHs - just because I'm not earning a regular monthly salary does not mean I can't have access to the family money. Child benefit is paid into the joint pot and used for the children.

When I first became a SAHM money was very tight and our spending habits changed. Things have improved financially since but DH and I still think twice before buying something that we don't class as a necessity.

I do have a separate account where my pay (less than £1k per year) is paid. This is "luxuries" money - spending money on holiday, yarn for my knitting/crochet, that sort of thing. I have started buying DH's presents from this money - not because I have to, but because I like to know that I'm spending money I earned.

Grumpykins Wed 05-Feb-14 11:23:12

Alibaba £350 + a month? Wow!

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 05-Feb-14 11:25:56

Lone parent full time work pocket money £80 per month. So unless your DH had a huge amount more I would say it seems fair.

funnyossity Wed 05-Feb-14 11:26:04

We have access to our joint account as we are partners. We don't comment on each others spending as we now know we are both careful- we've been together nearly 20 years. We discuss big costs together and look through the bank statement and credit card bills each month- that keeps us in check i think!

JackShit Wed 05-Feb-14 11:26:20

It's loads. You are very, very lucky indeed.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Wed 05-Feb-14 11:26:34

If either if us want/need something we just buy it. Unless it's very expensive, without ever having to ask.
If I buy something for myself, like new shoes or jeans, I always look to buy dh something too. If I don't see anything it doesn't matter he never expects me to buy for him at the same time. I like to.
He never questions my spending When I think about it.
Although he will notice "nice new top/jeans"
Same with anything involving dc, only to tell them how nice they look.
Honestly, I don't have expensive shopping habit anyway, very high steet ordinary attire. I rarely have a hair cut, it's long and doesn't need it. I've never had any beauty treatments or smoke/drink. So I don't think I need an allowance.

bonvivant Wed 05-Feb-14 11:27:53

I work, have a well paid job, and probably might spend an average of £50 on myself for clothes, make up etc - in a month!!

anklebitersmum Wed 05-Feb-14 11:28:40

I don't allocate anything for me. I do get a haircut every couple of months which is £30 but other than that I'm not very high maintenance, although I did spend a whole £10 on 3 packs of new undies and a pair of replacement slipper socks this weekend grin

Mostly I buy for the biters.

SofaKing Wed 05-Feb-14 11:28:53

Dh and I used to spend whatever we liked but I have now suggested a £50 weekly budget for each of our personal spending. I have already blown it for this week as I've spent it on the dc's, so clearly I will have to redo the budget to account for how expensive they are!

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 05-Feb-14 11:28:55

Yy Grumpykins
Ok, I only work pt.
But even with above average salaries, after childcare, mortgage, groceries, utilities and DCs essentials I don't have that to myself. Well, not as a set amount each month.

Does that include petrol money?

What happens if you go on holiday? Or see something nice for the house?
What I don't get about the question OP is that any reply/circumstance would be so dependent on income. surely it depends on wha your DH earns.
£135 is a lot of money to some ppl. It's piss all to others.
Or are you asking more about the very nature of being "given" an allowance?

We have one pot that everything goes in, and then it flys out of it again. What ever needs to be bought, for whatever reason is bought from the one pot. I don't think I could cope with separate finances. In truth I do pretty much all the spending as I do all the organising. DH will ask if the cash is there for X that he fancies buying/doing and ill tell him it is or it isn't. smile

SolomanDaisy Wed 05-Feb-14 11:29:41

It depends what your household income is, doesn't it? If it is £1k a month, you have a good percentage to spend on yourself if it is £10k, not so good.

SomethingkindaOod Wed 05-Feb-14 11:29:49

Depends on the month. Sometimes we have a bit left over to spend on extras, sometimes we don't. No set limit, just if we can afford it.

laregina Wed 05-Feb-14 11:30:14

I am not a SAHM, but took long maternity leave with the DC. When I was on leave and was not therefore 'earning', nothing changed. Ie, if either of us wanted to buy something, we just bought it! I don't know the 'figure' of what amount we had/have available each month when everything was/is paid but we don't run out of money - maybe I'm just not spending enough grin

No idea, joint bank account and food, petrol and stuff for the DDs and all DH's clothes etc. (He hasn't bought his own clothes in his entire 48 years on this planet) end up on my card as well as my things.

I guess I'm more careful than if I was earning, but I've never done make up, expensive clothes and loads of shoes.

I guess not going to the hairdressers to dye my hair and not giving to charity (I can't help feeling the money belongs to my DDs) are my two things I'd do differently.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 05-Feb-14 11:31:01

I don't know really OP.

I have cb, tax credits and dh gives me half his wage.
I pay for stuff for family, entertainment, dds music lessons, public transport, clothes etc.

I can't say I've ever stopped to work it out tbh.
Sorry, not much help.

lunar1 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:31:05

We have a joint account and 2 savings accounts each. We have a standing order for £250 savings each that is never touched, £100 each into savings which Is for Christmas/birthdays/holidays etc. then we have joint savings for emergencies and school fees. Every thing else we use the joint account, neither of us really spend for ourselves. But it's completely equal, any extra left at the end if the month we have a family treat and split the rest into savings.

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 05-Feb-14 11:32:57

I don't think it's neccessarily a bad thing to be allocated a personal allowance or "pocket money"
My DH works out all our finances. Frankly I am grateful for that but I know it doesn't suit everyone.
What do you think you should get?

Because if DH said to me that our income is x and our outgoings are y so we each have x-y to play with between us then I would trust he had done the maths.
If he bought himself designer clothes and expected me to shop in primary all the it time I'd be miffed.

katrina81 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:33:36

I have no allowance whatever is left over after bills is for us both to share.

I have never had to justify any amount of money I had spent along as there was money left over.

Nice for the house is the one thing I do wish we had, sometimes, but we all like holidays, days/meals out,

takeaways and expensive hobbies more.

BornOfFrustration Wed 05-Feb-14 11:33:56

Not much, but exactly the same as DH.

littlebluedog12 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:35:08

Well I guess it depends what you need to spend it on? I have �50 a month transferred to my account- I spend it on things I guess I consider frivolous/luxuries eg clothes or haircut for me, or taking DD2 for cake in a coffee shop. But things like bus fare, clothes for the kids, their swimming lessons, birthday presents etc I buy from the joint account.

SwayingBranches Wed 05-Feb-14 11:36:22

Joint account, use what we need. Both responsible for finances so know what we can/can't afford personally.

Your OP is confusing, you say it's money for you then mention children and birthdays. If you're doing a money allocated type of thing then equal amounts for wholly personal use, other things come out of joint money.

FuckyNell Wed 05-Feb-14 11:37:12

Lunar you are riiiiich grin

Damnautocorrect Wed 05-Feb-14 11:37:36

I get £100 a week, but that's for food, petrol, birthday presents, child stuff etc. So it's mostly - figures. I get most stuff for me second hand off eBay for a couple of quid.

YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 11:37:57

So that's ok then? I had no idea what happened with other women in my situation.

For example, it's my DF's birthday this month so he needs a present from me & some thing from the DC. We will need to go out somewhere to eat as well. And I had my hair done this month too (£50 every 3 months ish). Those 'cheap' kindle books add up too, haha. Ooops, just remembered Valentine's day...

I have no idea what DH gets to himself, how much anything costs or anything, he deals with it and I hate talking about money with him (for various reasons) so I don't ask.

None really
But then dh doesn't either
We're struggling somewhat
But we're in it together wink

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 05-Feb-14 11:41:05

Damn so that isn't your money, it is household money.

OP that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. We buy all presents for both sides of the family from the joint account, and any family expenditure like going out for a meal.
Do you even know what your DH earns? You cannot just stick your head in the sand about your family finances - how would you feel if you found out that your DH has hundreds to spend each month while you've only got £30 a week?

littlebluedog12 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:42:36

Do you have access to the joint account OP? What do you use to pay for food shopping etc?

tess73 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:42:56

I don't get an "allowance", I'm not 10, and would not have given up work without full access to the one bank account.

If we have a month when money is tight I don't spend anything on "me". Similarly if there's plenty and I want something then I do.

JanePurdy Wed 05-Feb-14 11:43:04

So you don't have a shared bank account nor know his income or household running costs? That sounds like you might want to have a conversation.

We have a joint account, everything goes into it, we don't have set amounts of spending money, just depends on what our finances are.

Creamycoolerwithcream Wed 05-Feb-14 11:43:37

OP why don't you know what anything costs etc? How do you know if you are getting the best deal on utilities, mortgage, insurance and savings?

Adikia Wed 05-Feb-14 11:43:50

about £40 a month, but that's just for me, all the stuff the kids need comes from our joint account. Money is pretty tight so DH has about the same to spend on himself too.

minniemagoo Wed 05-Feb-14 11:44:47

I don't have a set amount, I withdraw 700 every 2 weeks to cover groceries and incidentals (coffee!, kids treats, small purchases) but if I wanted something big I would just take that out separate eg if I was going for a night out with friends I might take an extra 50, get my hair done I put it on debit card, online purchases I usually put on debit card too.
If its there in the account and unallocated its free for either of us to take but we run things by each other eg Dh bought a number of shirts in the sales, I got DD a new pair of runners and bought myself a groupon deal in last 2 weeks.
I'm hoping to not have any extras for the next few weeks as I want to book a weekend away in May.
It really does depend on your budget/disposable income/agreement

ouryve Wed 05-Feb-14 11:44:48

It varies and i don't keep track.

haveyourselfashandy Wed 05-Feb-14 11:45:37

Both me and dp struggle to spend money on ourselves,any spare money goes into savings and holidays(nowhere swish but its nice to get away).
We have a few nights out over next couple of months so we will both be able to get new outfits,I will be able to get hair done and nails anything really, without worrying which is nice.
I've never spent a lot on clothes etc,it goes on the kids but the moneys there if I want to.Dp spends small amounts on his hobbies but always "asks".He's always on at me to treat myself but I'd rather put the money away!

I would love to see the correlation between how people how people divvy up money and how long marriages last. I don't know if there is one, would be good to see.

Figis Wed 05-Feb-14 11:47:03

Nah it isn't ok. You should know what your husband earns, what outgoings there are and should agree on spending, saving, insurances and future plans.

If you can't talk to your husband about this what is the point of being married? He could have no spending money or hundreds... The answer should matter to both of you.

Stinklebell Wed 05-Feb-14 11:47:13

It depends on what you're spending it on.

We've always had a joint account, but when I first became a SAHM, DH and I discussed money, worked out what the bills were and divvied up the left overs into his share and my share

But, most of my share got spent on general weekly household expenses, I'd buy the milk and bread when we ran out, bought nappies, put petrol in the car, organised birthday cards, bought birthday presents when the kids went to parties, paid playgroup subs, etc

Now we spend what we need to with the proviso we discuss any big purchases or shopping sprees

JennyCalendar Wed 05-Feb-14 11:47:25

DH is the SAHD in our family. Once we'd decided that he was going to stay home we set up a joint account, which is primarily for DH. The CB goes into it.

After bills etc. we have £800 left. I transfer £400 to the JA. DH spends it on what he likes, but this includes 80% groceries (he does all the cooking).

Out of my £400, I pay commuting costs (£150 approx), my lunch, groceries at the weekend, presents and clothes for us all (DS mostly - DH and I only buy clothes when something is worn out completely and needs replacing). Any left over gets saved.

We are both naturally frugal, but will go out for a meal occasionally, or save up to go on holiday, or to the theatre.

lunar1 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:47:33

FucnyNell, I didn't mean it to come over that way, I was just wanting to show that whatever we have is equal between us. We don't have a car so we walk/cycle everywhere, it saves a small fortune!

WilsonFrickett Wed 05-Feb-14 11:47:47

I buy whatever I want, always have. I'm an adult - perfectly capable of checking the account balance and the bills still to come out and working out if we can afford what I want to buy.

Big purchases - new car, new carpet, new furniture - would always be discussed but that's because we'd both want input. Can't really imagine being in a position where I'd have to check if I could do something I wanted to do.

HarderToKidnap Wed 05-Feb-14 11:50:11

All money goes in the pot. I work two days a week, DH FT.
We each get pocket money from the pot. I get £580, DH gets £500. I get a bit more to pay for Jo jingles and the like.
The rest pays for food, petrol, bills, mortgage, insurances etc and £1000 into savings.
I spend every penny of my pocket money. I would spend every penny if I had £5000 tbh. I'm a spendthrift.

Dahlen Wed 05-Feb-14 11:50:49

I don't think it can help you to know TBH. So much depends on your household income. Your £134.80 may seem like riches to someone who has £50 for example, but if that £50 is half of what's left after all other expenses are paid, the person on £50 may be better off than you if your DH has say £300.

sharpshadow Wed 05-Feb-14 11:51:41

I get roughly 5k transferred to my account every few months. That covers food spending (family of 3), personal spending and most things for DS, and any payments that I end up taking care of (but DH covers all bills, large purchases for home, and most tickets/meals when we're out together). It's not a regular amount, DH just checks if it runs low every month and tops it up as and when. If I needed more I expect he'd be fine with it, but have never needed to ask.

Dahlen Wed 05-Feb-14 11:51:58

Also, everything is relative. I have a small mortgage so more of my income is disposable than someone on a much higher income but a higher mortgage.

Pigletin Wed 05-Feb-14 11:52:54

I have no idea what DH gets to himself, how much anything costs or anything, he deals with it and I hate talking about money with him (for various reasons) so I don't ask.

That is a very strange comment. What do you mean you don't know how much anything costs? And the personal money you mentioned, is that an allowance you receive from your husband and you have no other access to money?

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 05-Feb-14 11:53:21

If I needed to buy my DF a birthday present I would either take the money from my account (which DH fills up from my wages). If I run out and we have the money he puts more in there or gives me the extra.
I wouldn't be expected to budget a family goft from an "allowance"

bragmatic Wed 05-Feb-14 11:53:59

Whether your situation is equitable or not depends on the amount if disposable cash you both end up with. If you're going without and have to check down the back of the couch for loose change for the bus, while he is indulging in expensive hobbies and shouting his mates at the pub, then it's grossly unfair.

If you're both watching every penny and household income leaves you with no choice to be frugal, well that's different.

SwayingBranches Wed 05-Feb-14 11:54:30

It doesn't sound like your situation is okay at all.

bragmatic Wed 05-Feb-14 11:55:40

The problem is, your situation could be one or the other, and everything in between. That is what rings alarm bells for me.

glasgowsteven Wed 05-Feb-14 11:56:46

Our money is family money.

As long as I am not grafting weekly with pack lunches and she is not out at carluccios thrice weekly....

StormyBrid Wed 05-Feb-14 11:56:56

On clothes, hair, and beauty I spend £0, generally. DP is a bit arse at budgeting, so technically I have £1200 a month to spend, but £700 of that is rent and bills, and the remainder has to cover groceries, his lynch and bus fares, clothes for the baby, and so on. Fortunately neither of us shop for fun. He occasionally buys a new game on payday if he's hit commission, and I'll go for a pint with the housekeeping money once a month. We both seem to manage with nothing beyond that.

lougle Wed 05-Feb-14 11:58:00

DH works, I don't.

We use YNAB to keep a budget, which we both review together each week. Any money at all that is spent is budgeted for before hand, so we both talk about any purchases we may want to make, so that we allocate money to them.

I never think of 'his money' just as I never think of 'my tax credits' even though the child tax credits come with my name on them.

sleepyhead Wed 05-Feb-14 12:02:24

DH is the SAHP at the moment. He has �30 pw cash to spend on himself, as do I. As he's out and about during the day and I'm just sitting in an office with no commuting costs he often runs short so I give him some of mine. I probably spend a tenner or less on myself in a typical week.

This doesn't include anything for the household or for the children which comes out of household money.

Every other penny we have is budgeted for so if either of us wants something that our spends won't cover we need to find the money from one of the other budget categories.

When dh goes back to work money will be slightly less tight and we'll revise our discretionary spends accordingly.

wishful75 Wed 05-Feb-14 12:03:21

I'm a SAHM currently and control our finances so I get everything he earns and give him about £100 to play with a month. It leaves me with about £300 after everything is paid for including food and new clothes.

It worked well for my parents this way too.

QueenofKelsingra Wed 05-Feb-14 12:04:56

DH and I both have £200 each of 'free spends' a month. everything else into joint account to pay bills/pensions/savings etc. this figure is worked out very simply by taking DH's salary and 'my' child benefit. minus the bills, how much we want to save and the usually monthly outgoings plus leaving a bit in the kitty for unusual spends like kids clothes/parents birthdays etc. what is left if £200 each.

I am concerned that you don't know the ins and outs of your joing finances. I'm normally the first to roll my eyes at all the posters who say SAHM's leave themselves open to being left with nothing but in your case this is true - if you and DH have chosen for you to remain at home and to have joint finances you need to be fully aware of what that entails.

in our case DH earns it and I divvie it up as he is useless with money!!

I dont have a set amount as dhs wages go into the joint account and we both buy stuff as and when we want/need things.

FuckyNell Wed 05-Feb-14 12:10:26

lunar I was just teasing grin

Hell I'd be rich myself if I didn't have an awful addiction to stuff

Weetabixwife Wed 05-Feb-14 12:14:02

I have 400 a month. I used to have 800 a month when I was working. I know I'm very lucky. We only have one dc and live in a very cheap part of the country.

notso Wed 05-Feb-14 12:18:51

Nothing just for me.

We don't get CB anymore so DH put £200 a month into an account for things for DC, we have 4. That is for their clothes, shoes, haircuts, school trips, pocket money, and DD's phone top up.
£450 a month goes in to a separate account for food and groceries.
DH saves £150 a month in his own savings that he uses for weekends away, presents for me etc.
The rest of his monthly wage is in a joint account, bills etc goes out of here. I can use it to pay for small stuff like coffees, birthday cards etc.
he gets a bonus at Christmas that goes into an internet savings account, it pays for doing stuff to the house, Christmas, holidays etc and some is Savings.

I get my haircut usually once a year, and rely on Birthdays and Christmas for new clothes.

TheRaniOfYawn Wed 05-Feb-14 12:20:00

We have a joint account which pays for children's stuff, food, bills etc. We each get £200 per month personal spending money, which includes things like holidays. The rest of the money goes into savings.

We have £250 per month between us for 'fun money'. It mainly goes on takeaways blush and if either of us want a coffee, or a little great of some sort, it comes out of there.

Clothes are budgeted for at £500 per year each. We save an appropriate amount each month so that over the year the total of the £1000 is saved but obviously spend it as we need it. So far this year DH has spent about £100 on new work shirts and I've spent about £40 on maternity bras. I'm not planning to buy many clothes till after the baby's born and I've lost the weight!

Birthdays, again, are budgeted for. We budget £600 per year for all presents (birthdays, Christmas, christenings, new babies etc) and save accordingly, same as for clothes. We do exactly the same with money for DD's clothes, gas, electricity, water, phones, council tax, insurances, petrol, MOT and service, groceries, toiletries etc.

We have a joint account into which goes DH's salary and my self-employed earnings (the latter of which are significantly lower than DH's salary) as well as the child benefit. At the start of the year we work out how much we think we're going to need for each category, mainly based on how much we spent the previous year. After saving for all the things we need to save for and after paying the mortgage etc, the £250 I mentioned at the beginning is what's left over. We take it out in cash, stick it in an envelope and use it as we need it over the course of the month. When it's gone, it's gone!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 05-Feb-14 12:25:52

Your examples would not be classed as 'me money' by me.

A gift for a family member? gifts from the children to a family member?

That comes from family funds, not personal spending money!

to me, personal spends are for things like magazines, a coffee when out and about, etc.

I even have separate budgets for things like clothes and also haircuts etc. I see those as necessary and regular expenditures and not 'pocket money' items, iyswim.

I think personal spending money is for those items that you could always do without at any point and not for anything that is in anyway needed or required.

I agree.

Beanymonster Wed 05-Feb-14 12:31:36

My dp works, on his payday he puts £300 into my bank which I use for food, stuff for dd/ household items, clothes for everyone (including him) running my car, and all of the other bits..
I also get the child benefit into my account, but that goes straight into savings.

You need to know what the whole financial situation is, it's incredibly important.

How much I have varies month to month, depending on if something unexpected comes up, we are trying hard to pay down debt so it's never a lot! But DH and I are absolutely treated equally in terms of personal spending.

Damnautocorrect Wed 05-Feb-14 12:36:02

Oh I've discovered £4 haircuts at the college. Brilliant.

I think it depends how you feel about things, if you feel it's ok or not. For some it's ok, for others it's not.
Most of the time I'm fine with it, the extreme budgeting e.g £2 in this account, £20 in that, £1 in this jar is hard though.

FleecyFeet Wed 05-Feb-14 12:37:53

DH and I share money so if I want or need something I just get it, not talking about big amounts just if I go out with a friend or get some clothes etc.

wonkylegs Wed 05-Feb-14 12:41:36

We don't have his money/my money we have our money .
I'm technically 'self employed' but as that's currently bringing in zilch as it's a new company so my account is a bit empty atm but we have a joint account & joint credit cards (paid off monthly).
We both know how much money we have and spend accordingly.
Over the years we've both given time, effort, support & money to our relationship so it's give & take for both of us.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 05-Feb-14 12:41:44

OP, are you saying that you just get cb or tax credit? it just seems a familiar amount.
If so this isn't right imo, all the money is family money and you should have equal access to it and not have to justify anything you spend it on, except to yourself.
Can you not suggest managing the family finances, it isn't difficult honestly. I have always done this as a sahm, it saves dh doing it and he couldn't be bothered with it at all.

Ragwort Wed 05-Feb-14 12:42:00

to answer your question further up the thread we have been married 25 years - always had a shared bank account.

I haven't worked for the last 14 or so years; don't have a 'set allowance' but as an adult I can see how our bank account is doing and spend or don't spend accordingly. I would never have to 'ask' my DH for money but if I wanted something particularly expensive I would obviously check we had enough in the account. Actually I have very frugal tastes (charity shop lover grin).

I had a friend who was obsessive about 'equality' ie: if her DH bought something for £x she would immediately spend £x on something for herself - regardless of whether she needed it or not - the marriage broke up grin.

I am constantly intrigued at how some families 'manage' their financies, it has never occured to me to think about whether we are buying a present for DH's side of the family or mine confused - to me it is just a present.

But I guess we are lucky as money is the one thing we have never argued over grin.

OrangePixie Wed 05-Feb-14 12:46:27

His salary goes into the joint account from which all bills, food, purchases for house and children come. We put £250 each a month into our personal accounts, from which I pay for my clothes, haircuts, nights out with my friends. Stuff for me.

It works because we can each spend what we like on ourselves without feeling we have to check with the other.

ilikebaking Wed 05-Feb-14 12:50:45

I am on mat leave and not going back to work.
My mat pay, cb, tax credits and DH wage go into our joint account.
I control the joint account, the savings and all purchases.
I may technically be a kept woman, but I give my DH an allowance from his wages. Henis more than happy to be ignorant about the money. He knows he can spend what he likes, but he runs it by me first if it is big.
I couldnt live not knowing where money was or what. DH earned.

Sixgeese Wed 05-Feb-14 12:50:59

I get £850 transferred from DH to my account every month, out of that I pay for the phone (landline and my mobile), TV license and the Food shopping and any incidental children's expenses. DH pays for the DC's clubs and activities as well as the rest of the household bills and car expenses. It's not really cut and dry but in the 4 years that I have been a SAHM it seems to work ok.

I also can use my Credit Card for any additional spending that is required like clothes for us all. He has said that I only have to ask for amounts over £200, but I still check with him. He does have more cash than I do, but it seems every year we get a huge bill every October (new boiler, new catalytic converter etc) and he just takes care of them.

I had been working 20 years before I became a SAHM and I like having a bit of money of my own that I don't feel I have to justify how I spend. So having money transferred over to me was something that I asked for when we decided that I would SAH with the 3 DC.

StickyFloor Wed 05-Feb-14 12:56:42

DH is working and I am SAHM but in control of the money. We don't have a joint account so I go into his account and divvy up the money each month - bless him, he doesn't even know his own online access info and just lets me get on with it!

I add up all our income and deduct regular household and family outgoings - what is left is roughly £400 for the savings account and £300 each to play with. We each spend our share on whatever the hell we want, simple as that. Anything unusual for the kids or the house, presents, holidays etc we discuss and then either pay from savings or split the cost from our own spending money. Little bits like school trips treats for the kids I tend to pay out of my own money because I can afford it so don't care - equally if dh takes the kids swimming etc he will just pay it, we are happy that the little things even up between us.

We consider all money joint but don't need a joint account to make it work. We both prefer having our own separate pool of money to do with as we wish. I guess I am lucky we have no issues here about DH earning and me being SAHM, so we share equally.

purplebaubles Wed 05-Feb-14 12:59:10

Erm. nothing. £134 sounds bliss!

Lottiedoubtie Wed 05-Feb-14 13:05:12

Your question has muddied the waters OP. whether you have 'enough' or not is totally beside the point.

You have no idea if your DH is giving you everything he can afford or has a million dollar stash under his side of the mattress. This is a massive problem.

I think there is a lot of variation on what if for yourself
I would include hair and makeup for me, presents for my friends, frivolous clothes, coffee and cake with friends, CDs and DVDs etc.

I wouldn't include fuel, anything for the children, presents for family on either side, necessary clothes, cinema trips without children etc

So £140 odd seems a lot to me but I wouldn't think so if I had to buy stuff from my second list from it.

And I wouldn't think it was a lot if dh was getting more

Fairylea Wed 05-Feb-14 13:11:26

We pool everything together and split whatever is left between us to spend (kids and other household stuff already accounted for in joint account- we always over budget and whatever is left is swapped to savings at the end of the month). We each have £150 a month to spend.

Dh is on a low wage of about £15k a year and we have two dc. However we are very fortunate that because I left a senior role in London to move to norfolk that we were able to downsize and therefore have a teeny mortgage, about a third of what others would pay on a similar house. That's the only reason we manage as we do!

Viviennemary Wed 05-Feb-14 13:12:06

YANBU to want to know how it compares with what you have. But if you have to pay for birthdays and so on out of your personal spending money it's not all really your spending money. But I agree this set amount of personal spends when you haven't actually earned it would remind me a bit of being given pocket money by parents. Not that I would refuse a hefty sum myself though. grin

diamondlizard Wed 05-Feb-14 13:13:11

I have they same as dh as I would expect and is only right
Would not accept anything less

You actually sound like you've left all the stresses of sorting money out to your dh and are happy to do so. Then you're pissed off you don't have enough.
He may be spending nothing to allow for your spending.
He may have hundreds hidden a away.
It could be that he's financially abusive but actually it sounds like a lot of the problems are caused by your passivity.
Find out what the family income is, pay attention, make sure you're treating each other fairly. Stop leaving all the hassle of money to him.

HazleNutt Wed 05-Feb-14 13:14:59

DH is a SAHD. He has full access to all our accounts and can spend as he pleases. We don't have any allocated spengind money or allowances. Obviously if he suddenly developed a shopping addiction, we would have to review this arrangement, but so far it works fine.

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 13:16:12

Someone earlier asked about the correlation of length marriages last and the money thing! There was a thread on here a little while ago and a high number of the people talking about successful marriages said that funds had always been pooled so there were never disagreements about that.

I only know a few people who have been married over 20 years and they all have 'pooled' money.

That was me. I'll try and find the thread you're talking about.
Thanks slightlyterrified

£17.50 a week, so it depends how many weeks in the month. DP has exactly the same. We're on a bloody tight budget and everything else is needed. From this comes hair, make up, clothes etc, but also anything me and DS do (so we tend to do free things) any treats, or drinks I buy while we're out and in theory bus/train money, but we recently moved away from the train station and I'm phobic of busses blush so I just walk instead.

We each do presents from our own side of the family from our own play money. It would be lovely to do it from the joint account, but we can't afford it. He has a HUGE family as well, where as mine is tiny, so that's fairly minimal on my part. Christmas and birthday presents for each other are also saved from this.

bigbluebus Wed 05-Feb-14 13:20:46

Everything goes in and out of the joint account here. If we want to buy something for ourselves, we do. No need to ask. Neither of us have extravagant habits/hobbies and if we wanted to buy something expensive we would discuss it - but DH would never say No as it would be unlikely I was asking for anything unreasonable.
I manage all the finances anyway, and actually tell him if funds are getting low and issue the "be careful what you spend" or "use the credit card" warning if things are getting a bit tight at the end of the month.

I would be livid if DH decided how much he thought I could have for myself each month. If we wanted to do that for any reason we would work out a budget together - no way would he be giving me XX amount and keeping the rest for himself. How can he put a 'salary' on what I do in the partnership - although I think some organisations have tried to calculate the value of a SAHM and it is way in excess of what some of you are being valued at by your DH/DPs.

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 13:23:41

Also, my best friends parents split up after 25 years of marriage and they had been together since they were 15. The dad sorted all the money out and the mum had no clue what they had at all.

He left her out of the blue one day and she found out they had huge debts and loans (taken out in her name). She was devastated and also horrified she had not.paid more attention to their financial situation.

magichandles Wed 05-Feb-14 13:25:00

I administer the finances in our household - after bills/ savings etc I transfer us each £650 from the joint account to our personal accounts.

The £650 does include food money though as well as day to day things for the children (so groups/ snacks/ coffees) as well as any eating out and haircuts etc - I guess I end up with around £250 to spend on myself (so haircuts/ clothes/ posher beauty things/ nights out).

That seems an awful lot, but I do manage to spend it every month.

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 13:28:06

There is no way of telling if it is reasonable amount if you don't know how the family finances work. How much does your DH earn? How much is the rent or mortgage and the bills? What savings do you have? Do you have access to the bank accounts and statements?

If you have family disposible income of �260 pm then its reasonable if you have disposable income of �2000 pm then it isn't.

shewhowines Wed 05-Feb-14 14:01:43

He earns it, I spend it. He was slightly miffed when we changed our credit cards and my limit was a lot higher than his grin

We both buy what we want, but will discuss anything bigger first. We trust each other to spend within our means. He rarely spends anything on himself. I spend more on me, but he knows I do not spend excessively. I get more weekends away and "do" more things as I am around during the day.

I have moaned on here previously, that he excessively tracks our money. I don't have to justify any spending, but I do have to give him the receipts. He likes to know "where we are financially".

MissMilbanke Wed 05-Feb-14 14:09:19

Well I can't say if YABU or not as I dont know your circumstances.

I'm a long term SAHM and I can spend waaaaaayyyy more than that if I want to.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't… but my circumstances allow that.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Wed 05-Feb-14 14:14:08

We are currently skint, so like Dh I haven't got anything to spend on me.

When we have money I spend when I want to as does he. We are equals in a partnership. Large purchases are always jointly discussed though but that's because we never have loads of spare money

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Wed 05-Feb-14 14:14:48

Large purchases by either of us are always jointly discussed though but that's because we never have loads of spare money

that should say

Retropear Wed 05-Feb-14 14:15:03

Joint account on everything so whatever I want which is actually buggar all as the kids seem to bleed us dry.

YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 14:16:51

I have certain things I have to pay for each month (cc, contact lenses, school dinners etc) so the money for that gets transferred to my account. I don't drive so no petrol money.

After that, I get the CHB money and I can keep that for 'myself'. I do like to buy nice things for DC though - DH would buy the shittest, ugliest, cheapest clothes known to man so I get some quality things sometimes.

DH does the shopping, pays for the bills and the mortgage and I honestly don't know how much that stuff costs. I do know that they WILL be the best deals out there. I think there are savings & he also has shares & ISAs (or at least he used to). He can decide if he wants to save or buy shares or whatever but he doesn't actually 'spend' much...

Anyway, none of that really matters. I just wanted to know how much other women in my position have to spend on themselves regardless of how they got it. I guess I'm average then.

WhereIsMyHat Wed 05-Feb-14 14:20:49

Probably £300ish a month but we don't keep track. That would be lunch out, coffees, random purchases and one to two things I want. Some months more, rarely less. I also have a gym membership which works out at approx £120 month if you include the kids memberships plus crèche fees.

Like others we discuss the big stuff first.

BuggedByJake Wed 05-Feb-14 14:21:24

I have �700 a month for me & the kids, school dinners, clothes, after school activities etc.

JackNoneReacher Wed 05-Feb-14 14:22:05

When I was a SAHM I had full access to the joint account and could spend what we could afford. Some months it would be more than the amount you said but sometimes (think insurance, MOT etc) it would be nothing (same for dh).

We operated as a team (still do). I put work on hold to look after our children/family. I didn't get pocket money or an allowance.

Ragwort Wed 05-Feb-14 14:23:30

I have they same as dh as I would expect and is only right. Would not accept anything less.

I don't necessarily agree with that attitude - my DH has an expensive hobby, I have pretty frugal tastes - (note - we are well covered for pensions/savings/charity donations etc). I don't automatically assume that I should have exactly the same amount of money as my DH as I don't have any need for that sort of money. I am very happy with what I have, I don't feel I am 'missing out' because I don't have the exact amount confused. I know full well if I wanted/needed anything else it wouldn't be a problem (within reason grin).

phoolani Wed 05-Feb-14 14:23:47

Please get rid of the idea that you are 'non-earning'.your earnings are the child are you don't have to pay. Otherwise, having both decided to have a baby (assuming)' you'd be the one taking the whole financial hit. And that wouldn't be fair, would it?

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 14:24:20

That all sounds very unequal OP. Why do you not want to know what you have as a household. Your DH could have hundreds left over!

If you need more do you ask?

phoolani Wed 05-Feb-14 14:24:25

Child care, obviously.

Vagndidit Wed 05-Feb-14 14:25:49

The idea of a SAHM being rationed out "pocket money" is sad, tbh. Yes, DH earns the salary now, but it is still very much our money.

I'm fairly low maintenance...couldn't care less about expensive clothes or haircuts, so I'm not blowing 100s of pounds a month on "Me.". I buy what we need when we need it, usually clothes and shoes for the rapidly growing DS, and spend within reason. I should like to think that most marriages/partnerships are made up for responsible adults who know how to handle money.

SlightlyTerrified Wed 05-Feb-14 14:26:01

Ragwort - I think it is more about having access to the same amount of money. I probably spend more than DH as have more expensive hobbies but we both have equal access and decisions when it comes to money.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 05-Feb-14 14:26:41

Haven't a clue. One joint account. Buy what I like. As does dh. We are both intelligent adults and we both know what our income and expenditure is so what is and isn't reasonable.

I could not live with not knowing if there were savings, ISAs etc. If there were no savings then I would want to be frugal with the CHB so we had savings. If there was £200k in savings I would want more nice clothes for the kids.

JennyCalendar Wed 05-Feb-14 14:28:24

Just to add another dimension - if DH were to die first, it will make sorting affairs more difficult if you don't know what he's got squirrelled away and where.

My Dad died not too long ago and had been meticulous in always outlining to Mum the different accounts, ISAs, shares, pensions etc. Even so, it was still complex for Mum to track everything down.

WestieMamma Wed 05-Feb-14 14:28:52

The child benefit and dla equivalent (not in the UK) go into my account. So approx £300 per month. I use that for anything I want to spent when I'm on my own. Most of the time though it just sits in my account as I don't go out very often and I hate shopping. Most of the time my husband is with me so he pays. I end up giving him my money when it's needed for holidays house repairs.

JackShit Wed 05-Feb-14 14:30:47

All this talk of lunches and haircuts reinforces negative stereotypes about SAHMs hmm

bishbashboosh Wed 05-Feb-14 14:33:33

I am so depressed reading at what you all have to spend on yourselves!!

aworkingmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 14:33:55

I think all this is a bit weird. Money allocated to spend on yourself?
Me & DH buy stuff as and when we need it. If we can't afford it, we do without until we can. We're both aware of our finances and both spend on what we need accordingly.
I would never think Right I've got £100 to go spend on myself this month. I would be more inclined to think Oh some spare money (as if!) and say lets go out for a family treat, or buy something for DS that he doesn't need but would like.

Creamycoolerwithcream Wed 05-Feb-14 14:34:10

Don't women who work outside the home get their hair cut or eat lunch?

impty Wed 05-Feb-14 14:36:00

Joint account. We buy what we need/ want from that. Hair, travel, meals out, gifts, make up, anything for dc's from joint.

We also have a home stuff account a seperate holiday acc. and a car(s) acc. and a pet acc.We put money in these each month.

I also have a 'clothes money' account. I put £175 a month in a savings account, just for clothes for me possibly to stop me from spending too much Which means if I do see something expensive I can save up for it rather than run it past dh.

Dh does handle the money, but we do discuss things, and I can and do check the accounts periodically. I think you should take an interest at the very least.

I don't think lunches and hair cuts are stereo typically SAHM territory.

Taking sandwiches to work, Dying their own hair, not walking into Costa coffee at lunch time are working women, with and without DCs money saving habits too.

JackShit Wed 05-Feb-14 14:38:06

I think you know what I mean. Thus thread does nothing to dispel the commonly hed opinion that many SAHMs are lazy types who do nothing all day but spend hubby's money on coffees, lunches, friggin' eyebrow shaping and all that bollocks.

LydiaCrawford Wed 05-Feb-14 14:38:29

I'm not a SAHM but I earn significantly less than DH, especially as I am part-time (my full time wage is about 25% of his).

All our money goes into the same pot. We each buy what we want/need and if it is a big ticket we discuss it. I guess it helps a lot that we both have a similar attitude towards money as we don't really have a budget at all.

perfectstorm Wed 05-Feb-14 14:39:41

We don't have set amounts to spend on ourselves, whether both are working or I'm at home with a baby. confused We both know how much cash is coming in, and we both assess what is reasonable for us to buy, and tailor our spending patterns accordingly. He never questions my spending, and I never question his. It's family money - the bigger/sole earner being the one to control the cash and decisions about it makes me twitch, tbh. Both contribute equally to family life and maintenance with paid or unpaid labour, so why should one hold the reins? I suppose if one is a hopeless spendthrift then you'd need to have safeguards in place, but as a general rule I think working in harness as a couple is fairer and healthier.

LittleBearPad Wed 05-Feb-14 14:40:23

I work and DH and I keep the same amount back for our own current accounts. The rest gies to a joint account.

If I were a SAHM I would expect to be treated like an adult and know I could spend as I thought appropriate, which DH would know would be ok as he knows me.

I would not expect to be given an allowance. As others gave said I am not a child.

£134.80 is very exact is it child benefit. Is this for you only or for you and the DCs. The whole situation sounds wrong to me. You need to discuss like grown iOS.

BeeInYourBonnet Wed 05-Feb-14 14:41:03

Not sure why it should make a difference if you are SAHM or WOHM. Whether I've been on ML or working, we have always paid everything into joint account and then taken some personal spends out (ranging from 100-250pcm depending on financial situation).

Tbh OP your DH sounds a bit financially abusive. It is NOT healthy for one partner to have no idea about the family finances. I would be interested to know if the savings are in both your names.

MrsJoeHart Wed 05-Feb-14 14:43:07

I organise our finances, up until recently I had £1,500 per month but we are saving so I've cut down to £1,000. Out of I that I pay for all food inc school dinners, petrol for my car, school bus fairs and anything the dc's need. I haven't worked out what that leaves for me, but the new £1000 a month is tight.

impty Wed 05-Feb-14 14:44:26

I do know what you mean JackShit. Ihave just come back from getting my hair cut. Yesterday I was at Yoga, and tomorrow I'm meeeting my SIL for lunch. However, I'm just about to start moving furniture so I can begin decorating a room, and do everything in the home and garden so I care very little about any one else's misconceptions.

lilyaldrin Wed 05-Feb-14 14:45:30

It's not "hubby's money" in my house, so I don't recognise that stereotype. I spent more on lunches and haircuts when I was working.

OP - how much actual cash you have is irrelevant. If you have £130 and your DP has £50, then you have far too much, if he has £500 then you have far too little.

I find your lack of knowledge/care about your own family's financial situation a bit bizarre to be honest. I would not be happy if my partner couldn't even be bothered to know how much our mortgage was!

MissMilbanke Wed 05-Feb-14 14:46:41

Are you happy with this current arrangement ?

Do you never do the shopping then ? <mind boggles>

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 05-Feb-14 14:46:41

Half what is left over after bills etc, same as DH. Some months more, some less. Can't think there's another way to split it really.

Melonbreath Wed 05-Feb-14 14:48:46

The child benefit goes into my account as dh works during the week so if dd needs anything it's easier for me to buy it.
food shopping, bills etc come out of the joint account.
I have a private income of about 300 a month which pays for my phone, the odd magazine, haircuts, the odd lunch out.
I don't have a car so no expense there I walk everywhere. I also upcycle furniture which doesn't earn me much or regular money but gives me something towards holiday savings.
I do love clothes shopping so I get clothing vouchers for Christmas and birthdays and actually this way I get more new clothes now than before having a baby.

IWillOnlyEatBeans Wed 05-Feb-14 14:53:12

Most months I don't spend anything on myself - I buy clothes when I need them (rather than when I fancy something new); get my hair cut around three times per year and don't really spend anything on 'beauty' stuff (I replace things when they run out, but I don't go shopping for new shampoo just because I'm bored of my current one).

Writing it down, it actually sounds pretty miserable! But we don't have a lot of money left after essentials and I'd rather buy for the DC (or spend money on admission to groups/clubs for them). DH spends even less on himself than I do. I have full access to and control over our joint finances.

thenamestheyareachanging Wed 05-Feb-14 14:55:04

I thought you meant to spend on food, taking the children out, etc, so was going to say my dh doesn't keep tabs although we don't have a lot to spare and he'd rightly say something if it got ridiculous.

But on clothes, hair etc - naff all! I last got a new item of clothing for my birthday 11 months ago!! I can't remember the last time dh got a new item of clothing either though, it should be equal imo unless he needs something for work.

That �134 figure sounds a bit like the child benefit figure for 2 children? That's not your money, it's supposed to be spent on the children, not on your clothes and hair!! YABU if Child Benefit is being spent on you.

SliceOfLime Wed 05-Feb-14 14:57:44

YesAnastasia you can't know if you're average, if you don't know what your husband earns or what your outgoings are. I am a SAHM and DH's salary goes into a joint account, we both spend what we need / want to and are both sensible enough not to spend so much we can't pay our bills. Do you have access to a joint account at all or is the only money you have access to the £134 a month? If the latter I would be very uncomfortable with that indeed. I would not be a SAHM if i didn't have full access to our family income - DH's salary is just that, family income, not 'his money'. I can understand not being terribly interested in financial things but that is no excuse for knowing nothing about them. What if, god forbid, something happened to your husband - you would not know how much money you needed to get by or how much was usually coming in, you wouldn't know where the savings were etc. Furthermore, we went to a solicitor about making wills recently and were advised that when a person dies, their bank accounts are frozen, and unless our account was a joint one (which thankfully it is) if DH died suddenly then I would not have been able to pay the mortgage or any bills because I wouldn't have had access to any money. That may seem a bit morbid but is something to be aware of.

LittleBearPad Wed 05-Feb-14 14:59:32

If he's that thrifty then he should be putting savings in your name as you won't pay tax on them. But that might mean you knew what was going on, if he wouldn't like that then you have a problem.

bigbluebus Wed 05-Feb-14 15:06:55

Anastasia I think I would be uncomfortable with not knowing what savings/investments my DH had, likewise any borrowings. If anything were to happen to your DH (God forbid) then how would you know what provision had been made for you and your DC.
Sorting out someones estate is complicated enough at what is already a very stressful and traumatic time without the added stress of having to try and unravel any assets/liabilities, and discovering if you and your DC will be provided for. And in the event he ever decided to divorce you, he may not be honest and open about his assets.

Sadoldbag Wed 05-Feb-14 15:07:39

We have a joint account oh spend pretty much nothing ibuy want I want however I do know that anything over about £150 would need to be talked out I have on occasion known to engnore that lol

RufusTheReindeer Wed 05-Feb-14 15:08:29

Don't have a set amount to spend, have a manicure every week and go out for coffee/lunch at least once a week as well as popping to town or shopping centres (usually because I've for gotten something)

I don't know how much we spend on bills but I do have full access to all accounts, statements and payslips

I do work for 4 hours a week and earn £115 a month but intend to save that, I usually go halves on face creams, hair wax and everyday clothes and shoes and craft stuff. I would pay if I fancied a new top for no real reason

tomverlaine Wed 05-Feb-14 15:13:16

We have a joint account for all household/child expenses (but not mrtgage for some reason) I tend to use my own account more (don't even know where my card is for the joint account) so if I do grocery shopping/buy DS stuff etc I pay. DP would use the joint account in equivalent situations. I think CB goes into joint account but may go directly to DP.
DP works a bit - and retains all that money plus I pay �400 a month to DP directly for personal use. Not sure what it gets used for as tbh DP appears to use joint account for most things- coffees and lunches etc.

Its a bit of an artificial split to be honest- its a hangover from when we were both working full time and had a joint household account- DP tends to look after household bills and banking and it was just easier to do it like that plus I like a bit of privacy financially. I am the spendthrift but don't need/want anyone judging my spending

i did get criticised thought on MN for paying DP �400 - apparently DP shouldn't be paid to look after DS- I think its just an optics thing though and if the 400 was just in the joint account and could be used by either of us it would be the same thing

thenamestheyareachanging Wed 05-Feb-14 15:16:49

OK, I didn't read the full thread due to dodgy computer that takes ages to load.

OP, I have full access to our joint bank account (in fact, we don't have an individual account any more, no point really when I'd have nothing in mine) does sound like an unusual arrangement you've got with your dh. Whilst I don't get my hair cut (ok, maybe a friend does it every 6 months or so) or go out for lunch, it's not because dh won't let me, it's because we don't have funds for that at the moment. It sounds like you have very little choice or freedom - to take the children somewhere spontaneously without asking for the money. What about bus fares if you don't drive? I don't drive either and bus fares are my main expense.

If the �134 was spending money for you to spend on clothes, lunches and haircuts, I'd think you were very well off, but it sounds like you have to spend it to have any choice in the children's clothes, to buy family birthday presents etc?

Things like children's clothes - well I can go for months without spending anything then they suddenly grow and need it all at once. or need new shoes that are expensive, etc etc.

Are you really happy with the arrangement you have?

SwallowsInSpring Wed 05-Feb-14 16:21:27

It's kind of annoying the number of people saying that they trust each other, are intelligent adults etcetc therefore can both spend what they like within reason from the joint account, no need for individual money. Tbh you obv have plenty of money in that case! What if I check the balance and see there's plenty for me to get coffee and cake or whatever, then DH checks before my spends have gone out and sees there's enough for him to go and play squash, so we both take out £10 or £20, suddenly you're £40 down and maybe wouldn't have spent all that if you'd realised. We put everything in a joint account but take out £150 a month each, to spend how we want, only budgeting for our own wishes and not having to remember that the last food shop hasn't been paid off from the credit card or whatever.
It means I can save up, making little sacrifices myself, to buy DH a really good 30th birthday present for example. It's not about being given an allowance. I think the point is far more about transparency and control, we have equal share of 'spending money', used to be a lot less when we earned less, DH doesn't get more for earning more. And I would never be expected to pay for family stuff eg presents for my side of the family or DC's clothes out of it.
The other day I bought DH a twix, would have been less meaningful if I'd bought him a treat from the joint account, he appreciated the gesture and the fact it was a present from me smile bit of a naf example but meant to illustrate the benefit of not ALL your money being joint money.

SwallowsInSpring Wed 05-Feb-14 16:22:50

We have only been married 4 years though so maybe we're destined for divorce...


Do you have a pension? Does your DH have Life Assurance and critical illness cover? How many of the savings and investments are in your name?

What would happen to you as a family if your DH lost his job or became too ill to work or (God forbid) died?

I am a WOHM and DH was the SAHD until the DC started school and now he runs a small business. My occupational pension gives me critical illness cover and would pay a lump sum to DH if I died which would more than cover the mortgage. We both have savings and investments and we also have savings and investments for the children.

How well protected are you?

funnyossity Wed 05-Feb-14 16:29:43

Yes I hated the unknown bank withdrawals at the start but just learned we needed a bigger float for DH, or it was all too fraught. I had to learn to let go a bit!

And I'll admit we have all but given up on the buying presents lark. Mind you so have my Mum and I and I love her very much, for both of them it's more about spotting something just right or bringing home a Twix at just the right moment!

funnyossity Wed 05-Feb-14 16:30:40

My post was in answer to Swallows.

babyicebean Wed 05-Feb-14 16:35:18

Money for myself?

Just for myself you mean?

Then its £0

CB and CTC is all I have coming in and that's money for the kids not me

Ragwort Wed 05-Feb-14 16:36:48

swallows - yes, I think you make a fair point blush - I am one of those who says 'I take what I need' and I guess I know that we are comfortable so that if we each take £x amount per week as 'cash' we are not going to go overdrawn. Obviously I know that if I spend £xxx then we would go overdrawn. It is a luxury to have that option - we have been married a long time so roughly can anticipate each other's spending habits grin. I was very surprised recently to get a call from our credit card provider saying were we aware we had spent £500 on jewellery - this is so outside our normal spending habits that it was clear it was fraudulent unless DH has OW.

Ragwort Wed 05-Feb-14 16:39:42

baby - if all you get is CB and CTC does it all have to be spent on the children; I don't mean to be sarky but do all their essentials add up to the total you receive?

I only ask this because recently another Mumsnetter asked if it was 'fair' to use part of the CB to buy something for herself. She genuinely believed that she had to spend it all solely on the children.

If you get nothing how do you buy anything for yourself confused - food/tampax etc?

KeinBock Wed 05-Feb-14 16:42:16

Well, to me, £135 a month doesn't sound like very much, but how much 'spending money' does dh have?
I actually think SAHM should have more spare cash than their working partners, because they are likely to have more occasions to spend it.

Creamycoolerwithcream Wed 05-Feb-14 16:44:58

I'm sure we all spend more than �70 a month or whatever child benefit is and feeding and housing our DC.

MummyPigsKnickers Wed 05-Feb-14 16:48:38

I don't have an amount that I'm 'allowed' to spend...all our money is in a joint account and we both use it as we wish. If it's a fair amount of money that I was going to spend then I'd discuss it first and so would DH...although clothes, make up, hair, kids clothes etc I spend at will. I'm not particularly mad about shopping so never go bonkers. I'm very lucky that I have that option, I remember a time when every penny was watched.

Pigletin Wed 05-Feb-14 16:49:19

It's kind of annoying the number of people saying that they trust each other, are intelligent adults etcetc therefore can both spend what they like within reason from the joint account, no need for individual money. Tbh you obv have plenty of money in that case!

Why is this annoying to you? It's just one way for couples to manage their finances. What is annoying about it?

fluterby Wed 05-Feb-14 16:53:55

We do a joint budget and just list what's needed, whomever it's for. We don't have spending money as such. I probably spend about £20 a month on toiletries, have a haircut every other month, only buy clothes or shoes if I really need them. If we had more money I'd buy more clothes. But I can get by with a couple of pairs of jeans, boots and three or four tops. It's a million miles away from my pre dc days when I'd buy shoes for £100 just because I liked them.

Elderberri Wed 05-Feb-14 16:57:51


I have major guilt issues spending DH money.

Have read so many posts about SAHM being complete spongers, I limit it to essentials only, and then cheap. In the last 4 months I have spent only tesco points money on my own clothes.

My DH would let me spent what I like within reason, but the guilt is too strong.

Trooperslane Wed 05-Feb-14 17:00:50


shewhowines Wed 05-Feb-14 17:06:45

It's kind of annoying the number of people saying that they trust each other, are intelligent adults etcetc therefore can both spend what they like within reason from the joint account, no need for individual money. Tbh you obv have plenty of money in that case!

Many probably don't even have the £150 that you and your DH have each, but they rely on knowing each other's average spending habits, know that they don't spend much at all, keep a bigger buffer that they try not to spend but will that will allow for them both spending the money, not knowing the other one had etc or they keep a tight eye on transactions as my DH does. It doesn't necessarily mean they obv have plenty of money.

RufusTheReindeer Wed 05-Feb-14 17:10:21

swallow I see exactly what you mean but it also depends on what your partner spends

In my case DH is at work and doesn't buy coffees and bits during the day so I would be quite safe getting money out

We usually take money out at the beginning of the week and then I spend it grin if I needed more money I would take it out but let him know that I've taken it from the cash machine, otherwise he thinks a criminal is raiding our account (not me)

Otherwise I raid a child's money box, for some reason they are minted!!!!!!

Creamycoolerwithcream Wed 05-Feb-14 17:11:03

Elderberri, you are not a sponger. If you and your DH are happy with your set up that's all that counts.
I've never thought of our family money as DH's money.

babacoon Wed 05-Feb-14 17:15:33

For us everything goes to one pot. DH then sorts out rent, bills, etc. I then take some out as I need. If I want something like a coat, a new watch etc I ask him to get me one. One because I love him buying stuff for me and 2 because he is amazing at shopping smile

Anything that I left is invested or put in a separate pot for investment.

CatchesTheNightTrain Wed 05-Feb-14 17:24:52

I take £800 out per month from joint account and put into my own account. This roughly £140 a week on shopping, about £30 a week on petrol and then about £30 a week on coffees/ lunches/ nails/ save etc.

This works quite well for us as if I used the joint account is overspend and not stick to a budget.

CatchesTheNightTrain Wed 05-Feb-14 17:27:21

Although if the children need something expensive, clothing shoes, school trips etc then I'd take that out of the joint account, likewise for myself re clothes & shoes .

Elderberri Wed 05-Feb-14 17:27:37

Thanks but it's pretty obvious that society regards SAHM as pond scum.

I have even read, maybe on here that SAHM are like prostitutes.

Oh, can you do gift aid, no I don't have paid work, awkward silence.

SAHM don't generate tax revenue, we are the invisible. Lol.

shewhowines Wed 05-Feb-14 17:36:15

Ooh yes I forgot the bank of children. I automatically put nearly everything on a credit card which gets paid off each month from the joint account. I'm always running out of cash. I think the window cleaner sees me raid the kids piggy bank everytime.

I wouldn't be happy only getting the child benefit, unless that was the same amount as Dh got.

I have said this multiple times on here but we have:
Joint account for monthly family bills (e.g. mortgage, school dinners, gas, electric, phone, food)
Joint account for yearly bills (e.g. car insurance, car tax, tv licence) into which we pay enough monthly to cover those bills when they are due
Our own current accounts & savings

Dh pays enough into the joint accounts to cover what gets paid out with a little contingency too (we have the child benefit paid into the joint account so we take this into account when working out what he pays in). The rest of his salary (and any overtime) is split equally between us.

RufusTheReindeer Wed 05-Feb-14 17:38:59

If I was a prostitute I'd be incredibly well paid grin

It must work out to hundreds per shag

Big purchases for the kids are paid from our current accounts and we balance it to make it as even as possible.

RufusTheReindeer Wed 05-Feb-14 17:41:25

Obviously that was to elder

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary Wed 05-Feb-14 17:41:31

We have £50 a month each 'pocket money' for clothes and toiletries. I used to include my £20 haircut in this until I thought logically that dh doesn't have that expense grin ( he has clippers) .
I'm now working but we are still church mice so the £50 stands. ( although I have blown the budget to get some work clothes recently and we would do the same for dh if he needs some.

Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 17:41:46

I don't think it matter how much I get for me, only that how much WE get each, after all the necessities, is equal. That's the real issue here isn't it?

Elderberri Wed 05-Feb-14 17:43:25


dobedobedo Wed 05-Feb-14 17:43:52

DH and his ex used to keep their own money and pay half of all bills etc. We both however, share everything. He now can't understand why you'd do it any other way.

I'm about to be a sahm (we both work full time currently, and earn the same money) but all our money goes into one account, we pay all the bills out of it and we just spend whatever is left as we see fit. I have no idea who spends more on each other, but we don't ask each other for permission, and when I'm not working, he wouldn't expect me to either. We are a family. He can only work because I'm raising OUR child. If I didn't, he'd have to. I'm not sponging, it's our money - doesn't matter whose name is on the payslip.

CheerfulYank Wed 05-Feb-14 17:44:58

Well I work 2 days a week managing a cinema and get paid in cash. It's not much at all, probably about $175 a month. I usually spend that on myself. But if DH needs cash for something he'll ask if I have any sometimes.

Otherwise I spend whatever I need from the joint account. Usually if either of us are going to buy something over a few hundred dollars we'll mention it to the other.

PicaK Wed 05-Feb-14 17:47:05

I have about what you have - but then so does DH. I can't imagine not having equal treat money. The rest goes into joint for bills, savings etc.

But then we budget really well - bills includes hs travelcosts and DS's swimming, football,birthday gifts for his friends. It's really only clothes, coffees etc.

Ragwort Wed 05-Feb-14 17:47:53

Elder - that is a really sad thing to say, I have never, ever felt like that as a SAHM. sad

grin Rufus

heymammy Wed 05-Feb-14 18:23:00

DP & I both have an 'allowance' purely because DP is a bit spendthrifty and happily makes big purchases I.e. Acoustic guitars/new bike without a care in the world hmm so we introduced an allowance to make it fairer. We each have £260 to spend as we please and we also put £260 extra into the joint account to cover everything the dc need like clubs, uniform, shoes etc.

Needless to say, I don't spend all mine and DP is broke by the end of the month grin

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 05-Feb-14 18:44:11

Elderberi, that would have been Xenia. I've never known any other poster say that...

JackNoneReacher Wed 05-Feb-14 20:03:04

Elderberi he is paying you instead of paying a nanny or nursery. Good childcare is never free. (even good GP's often come with strings attached and drawbacks).

You're not a sponger.

HuntingforBunting Wed 05-Feb-14 20:09:09

Op I am thinking that you do really need to know about things like salary, savings etc etc... What would happen to you if he was being irresponsible with the money? Why aren't you more involved in your family's financial planning? Sorry to be nosey but isn't it a good idea to be fully involved in planning and decision making?

ShoeWhore Wed 05-Feb-14 20:16:09

All our money is shared. We don't keep a track on who's had what. I would never think to ask permission but then again I wouldn't make a big purchase without discussing it either. There isn't much spare cash so I suppose we are pretty careful about all our spending at the moment.

scottishmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 20:17:53

How demeaning to have an allowance, or whatever he deigns appropriate
That's why I work, so I spend my own money and I'm not answerable to a man

wordfactory Wed 05-Feb-14 20:21:52

Surely whether you earn or whether you don't all the money should just go into a joint account and then the couple take what they need from that?


Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 20:23:23

Why is it demeaning to have an allowance scottishmummy?

DH and I both have allowances. I prefer it that way. I'm better with money than he is and this way I can be careful with my allowance and spend how I like without justifying myself to him and visa versa. Paying out the household bills, bunging some in for savings and then dividing equally the rest is the only way to ensure parity surely?

sydlexic Wed 05-Feb-14 20:24:41

I have whatever I want. DH has a set amount because he is a child with money. I spend very little anyway.

wordfactory Wed 05-Feb-14 20:25:56

I think a budget is fine.

That's a greed figure to spend on X or Y.

An allowance is where one person decides how much the other person is allowed to spend.

Ledaire Wed 05-Feb-14 20:28:30

Yep, that would just be Xenia.

Theoretically, I could spend all of it, but I'm usually the one saying, "do we really need to buy this?"

Apart from wine.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 05-Feb-14 20:30:50

I'm more worried about how our financial situation is going to be once I return to work as opposed to whilst I'm off on Maternity sad I'm already panicking and baby isn't even born yet.....

madmomma Wed 05-Feb-14 20:39:30

We don't keep track. We just spend what we want within what we have. I want a lot and he doesn't want very much, so it works for me smile

prizeelliott Wed 05-Feb-14 20:40:45

I work full time (teacher, 3 kids under7) and we still don't have a pot to piss in!
I am completely unreasonable and I am completely jealous of sahm....but that's a whole other thread! Enjoy ladies!

Writerwannabe83 Wed 05-Feb-14 20:42:17

I'm with you prize - I'd love me and DH to be in a financial position to allow me to be a SAHM mom grin

Bootoyou2 Wed 05-Feb-14 20:46:39

We don't have a joint account (just never got round to it) but feel all money is both of ours. DHs pays all mortgage and bills, holidays, car expenses etc. I pay for nursery fees, all food, clothes and dd activites etc. i have my part time earnings and child benefit and it seems to balance out. We have a spread sheet where we can see estimated monthly and yearly bills for the next year.

When on maternity leave I tried to stick to a budget so if my weekly shop came in under I treated dd and I to starbucks etc. now I am a bit less strict. If I end up a bit short eg over Xmas as I was the one who had the time to do Xmas shopping, my DH just transferred a lump sum into my account. He would never expect me to ask if I wanted to buy something but we do discuss big purchases.

More of the savings are in my name as we have cashed his ISAs before mine when needed. Is all ours.

Will eventually get round to a joint account but having my own account does help me budget for the day to day stuff and as all the big direct debits come from his it is easy to see how much is left for a holiday.

prizeelliott Wed 05-Feb-14 20:47:39

It's nothing personal, just never thought I wouldn't be home for my kids....I love my job, but....... I'm in danger of being bitter!!
Hope I'm not alone!
Sahm, enjoy every minute, you never know when it might end... Then your a full time mum and a full time worker! I'm bloody knackered!

Karoleann Wed 05-Feb-14 20:53:31

I just spend what I need/want from our joint account. The amount completely varies sometimes very little, sometimes a lot.
I also have my own account which I use to buy DH's birthday Christmas presents and my own families presents.
I work sporadically and get paid into my own account.

Hair cuts are budgeted for and colour etc

New clothes as and when

We talk all the time. I don't ask but neither do I take Mickey

WhereIsMyHat Wed 05-Feb-14 22:22:59

Scotishmummy, it's not an 'allowance' it's our family money, we share it. What a underhand thing to suggest. Maybe your a bit envious hence your venom?

bronya Wed 05-Feb-14 22:39:52

We have shared money. What I bring in and what he does (incl child benefit) has always gone into one pot. We spend on essentials, then discuss other spending. At the moment, things are tight and we don't spend on ANYTHING that isn't essential. When there's money again, we'll share the excess, and save a good chunk of it. It's our money, as a family, and we're all responsible for looking after it carefully.

YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 22:42:35

thenamestheyareachanging That �134 figure sounds a bit like the child benefit figure for 2 children? That's not your money, it's supposed to be spent on the children, not on your clothes and hair!! YABU if Child Benefit is being spent on you.

A lot of what has been written here has been mildly offensive but I am particularly offended by the above. How dare you insinuate that I am stealing money from my children. That money is the only money that comes into my account that is not destined for elsewhere and is money that DH has no control over. Do you think I should give that to my husband so he can allocate it to the children then give me a similar amount back so I can use it? How arbitrary. Whatever the government intend us to buy with that money gets bought, I can assure you. It's just convenient (for me) that it comes to me, it's just a figure and my children do come first.

YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 22:56:21

Jackshit Thus thread does nothing to dispel the commonly hed opinion that many SAHMs are lazy types who do nothing all day but spend hubby's money on coffees, lunches, friggin' eyebrow shaping and all that bollocks

Why? Women are telling other women how they spend their money while they are at home looking after their children. What's your problem with that? Who said they aren't doing what they're supposed to & looking after the children. There is no point in cataloguing what they do with their children (thing that doesn't cost anything) or convincing posters like you of their value in society because that isn't what this thread is about. I am always unsettled when women attempt to shame other women for their choices, in my opinion it's unnecessary, damaging and ignorant.

YesAnastasia Wed 05-Feb-14 23:13:20

God, it took me forever to read all that was happening while I was busy. Now it looks like I killed it smile And I said 'How dare you' ha.

Thank you for your opinions, I can see that the way we do things is in the minority. It's interesting.

Oh, and now I am worried about what will become of us if my husband dies hmm

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 05-Feb-14 23:16:28

Yes, it's a good thing that you are worried (honestly!) as hopefully you can get a list of all account numbers, get added to acciunts as necessary etc.

fuckwittery Wed 05-Feb-14 23:31:31

We have joint ac and joint credit card. All bills come out of joint ac, all income goes in there, and we jointly aim to keep other spends around 1000 a month on the credit card out of which food, clothes, petrol and any extras (3 DC). If it looks like we might go over this or one person wants to spend more than fifty quid ish on a one off item we discuss.
I imagine probably spend 600 on food and petrol so perhaps 400pm spare between both of us most of which probably will be spent on activities/stuff for DC

JennyCalendar Wed 05-Feb-14 23:42:21

I think I raised the issue of finances after death first, but it was meant as advice.

After my dad's death (and seeing the mountain of complex things my mum had to deal with money-wise) has given me and DH a kick up the bum this year to sort everything out.

We are:
- remortgaging so we are both on the deeds and mortgage (in progress).
- keeping a buffer in the joint account (as personal accounts are frozen until probate is sorted)
- making sure all utilities are in both names (so we don't suddenly find ourselves cut off)
- making wills
- reviewing life assurance etc. and making sure we know what is covered and how to access it

It is horrible to think about and a faff to sort, but will be worth it in the long run for whoever is the survivor. Imagine suddenly finding yourself cut off from funds while dealing with grief - it would make a terrible situation nightmarish. If you don't even know where to start (what money is where, what pensions there are, how much utilities are and who they are with) it would be even worse.

Morloth Wed 05-Feb-14 23:54:34

We have one account (well more than one but they are all joint).

All the money goes in and all the money goes out.

I buy what I deem necessary/want as does DH. We are in the fortunate position of not having to watch closely what we are spending.

We both have a handle on finances and are both involved in big decisions (say $500+).

Hell would freeze over before DH questioned me about spending on myself under that, we are both sensible adults who trust each other, he knows I wouldn't blow a bunch of cash without consulting him and I know the same.

There is no my money/your money in our relationship, it is all 'ours'.

Bragadocia Thu 06-Feb-14 00:15:14

I'm working a bit now, but before DS started pre-school, DH and I each took £200 a month from his pay for things like clothes, music, make up, books, knick knacks, going out - basically, like a teenager's allowance.

The rest of DH's salary went into the main account, for bills, food, rent, eventualities, and family stuff (DS' things, plus gifts, family activities etc). Any leftover money at the end of the month would go into a savings account. I also receive the Child Allowance into my spare bank account, but I save it for DS. We pool money and share resources completely, and are entirely transparent about what it goes on.

We would check with each other before buying bigger things. Not asking permission as such, but I would email something like, "I think I'm going to buy this trouser press/hostess trolley/fondue set - is that alright by you?"

LittleBearPad Thu 06-Feb-14 00:22:22

That money is the only money that comes into my account that is not destined for elsewhere and is money that DH has no control over.

You might want to think about how that makes your financial relationship sound.

Summerblaze Thu 06-Feb-14 00:31:48

Have worked full time before kids, SAHM for 5 years, now have a very small part time job. It has never mattered what i do as all our money goes into one bank (wages and child benefit), bills come out and whatever is left we spend. Sometimes he will buy more personal things and sometimes i will.

As with a lot of couples who do it this way, we discuss if we want to put money aside for a particular reason (holidays, home improvements) or if we want to buy something very expensive. If i go out and see a top i like, i buy it.

I have more idea on if we can afford it anyway as i sort out all our finances, pay bills, sort insurances etc as paperwork is my thing and DH has a very stressful job and doesnt want to mess about with that stuff after work.

myron Thu 06-Feb-14 00:45:26

I have total financial control of our household income and have done so since we moved in together. That has not changed with marriage and children 18 yrs later. I have been a sahm for the last 9. We consult over big ticket items and over the years, I let dh know when we need to rein it for a time due to joint financial decisions. I take charge of all the household bills - ime, it doesn't make you a spendthrift even with disposable income but I am more naturally inclined to frugality. Even now, our digital radio died a death last week and all I'm thinking is that I should really replace our ancient microwave which is on its last legs first. In actuality, we won't be doing either until the summer due to other more pressing financial commitments. Knowledge of any budget allows you to discuss the actions you wish to take together and how it impacts your life.

perfectstorm Thu 06-Feb-14 02:25:04

Life insurance is an essential, whatever income bracket. If DH died I'd be able to buy a large house in the catchment of a really good secondary, close to all their friends, mortgage free. I'd be able to put their uni fees aside and then live (frugally, though) for two years without needing to work at all, to ensure they were secure and reassured while they grieved. It's been set up as a discretionary trust with me as trustee, so the money for the kids is sheltered, and none of it is taxable if he and I were to die together and the kids directly inherited (obviously we have other trustees named in that eventuality). God forbid it ever happens, but there is security in knowing it's there.

We took it out when a friend's sister-in-law lost her husband very suddenly. Healthy, sporty, dropped dead one day in his late 30s. No insurance at all, and they had a big mortgage and no savings to speak of, as he was young and had a high paying job, she was a SAHM at the time so they'd had a drop in income, and they were trying to pay down the house fast while interest rates were so low. That was a real wake-up call. Cavendish are the cheapest way of doing it as they rebate back to you all the commission they get as brokers and just charge a £30 introduction fee - we save over £200 a year with them over what Legal and General offer us with the same policy, direct from their website. (I'm not paid to rec them, I promise! grin I heard of them because the Moneysavingexpert website recommended them when I was researching the best options - Which do as well, I think.)

scottishmummy Thu 06-Feb-14 06:54:38

Hat,do keep up women here are using term allowance
It's a term they're using it describe the amount money their dh permits
Read the thread,if the term offends take it up with those who use it

Snowdown Thu 06-Feb-14 07:02:54

We both have an agreed allowance. Nothing demeaning in's the same amount of money. Dh spends his on techno gadgets and I spend mine on clothes, everything else has a different budget.

impty Thu 06-Feb-14 07:48:00

Hat,do keep up women here are using termallowance

Scottishmummy Do pay attention, most are describing an 'allowance' for both partners in a relationship. Now run along and patronise someone else. There's a dear.

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 07:58:20

I have access to a pretty large amount of savings on my side and my partners salary through joint cards but I rarely spend much on myself. About £30 every 6 weeks on hair. A few quid on make up, clothes bought in charity shops as and when. No gym membership or nails etc.

I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries but it really depends on what your relationship is like. I am used to living within my means as I was on my own for a long time and had to keep a roof over my own head. Plus I would much rather pay for my son to go to softplay and playgroup than I would get my nails done.

Knackeredmum13 Thu 06-Feb-14 08:06:01

DH and I both have £200 a month to spend. For me this covers lunches, coffees and anything else I want to get.

All bills, food etc comes out of the joint account. What's left goes on things for DS, other one off purchases we need to make, family days out etc.

This way works out better for me as I know that if we just spent randomly out of the joint account that DH would end up spending way too much on lunchtime pints and expensive sandwiches.

You really should have understanding of and access to the finances. To give you one small example, there was a problem last year with the payment for our phone and internet (talktalk had mucked it up) the account is in DH's name and I didn't know what the password was. DH was travelling and they wouldn't speak to me so I had no phone or internet. DH had to ring them from rural North Africa to tell them to speak to me. This was disorganisation on our part not to have the password available but it caused a stupid amount of hassle to solve. How would you cope if your DH was travelling and something went wrong, would you have access to the money and information needed?

Ragwort Thu 06-Feb-14 08:53:17

I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries

I'm not sure what you mean by that sebsmummy1 - I am a SAHM, DH and I live comfortably (mortgage paid off/savings/pensions in place etc) does that mean I am not entitled to buy lunch out or whatever as I don't earn the money? confused

I agree that if you are struggling financially then 'luxuries' should be avoided or carefully budgeted for (by both partners) but I would not consider I was in an 'equal' partnership if I wasn't 'allowed' any luxuries.

lilyaldrin Thu 06-Feb-14 08:58:11

I don't see family money as belonging to someone else. There wouldn't be any family money if not for the work me and DP do, it's irrelevant that his is paid and mine isn't. I have just as much of a right to luxuries as he does.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Feb-14 09:09:33

scottish it is actually me that determines what money goes where in our relationship.
It actually makes me laugh that you are so narrow in your view that you can't grasp that the earning partner in a relationship could genuinely believe that the non-earning partner has just as much right to the money that comes in as they do.

sebsmummy1 what do you mean by someone else's money? Do you really think that a SAHM should live a life of privation while her husband gets to dole out the luxuries as gifts and at his whim?
The money that comes into our household isn't DHs, it is ours and I have just as much right to spend it as he does.
My grandparents had an extremely traditional relationship. Grandma gave up work when they got married, Grandad wanted his dinner on the table when he got in from work. In terms of finances though, they were absolutely equal partners. She had the freedom to buy things for herself and for the house, book a holiday, get her hair done, go out, sign up for a subscription, buy presents, etc etc without his express sign-off. I'm very sure they would have agreed a 'household' budget between them, they liked to have plenty of money in the bank, but they would both have disagreed with your view very strongly.

YesAnastasia Thu 06-Feb-14 10:33:50

sebsmummy I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries but it really depends on what your relationship is like.

What rights does a SAHM have concerning money then? ALL money is 'someone else's' so they have no right to luxuries?

DoubleHappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 10:39:39

I think we need to know a bit more about his finances e.g. salary, how much mortgage etc. etc. Also does he think the money is his? That it is none of your business?

I do not know the particular ins and outs of our finances. My DH works in Finance and he manages our finances pretty well I think. He does things and has it in spreadsheets to present to me so I know what is going on. We wear different has in our house and he is the Finance Director. I do know what we have got, where the stuff is etc. I am a SAHM but my name is on everything as joint owners. I don't have an allowance and I can't really say how much I spend on myself. I buy say 2 coffees a week, have my hair cut every 5 months, I don't buy magazines, don't go out for lunch, I don't wear makeup and I don't buy loads of clothes. However when I do buy something, it is usually something a bit expensive. In comparison to what he earns, I spend very little on myself and we are debt free, so he does not have a lot of expenses. I would say that I do not even spend 1% of his gross salary on myself.

brooncoo Thu 06-Feb-14 10:43:50

I've been a SAHM for 13 years. We have separate accounts and husband puts money into my account each month for the kids, food shopping, general house needs and my own spending. Mortgage, insurance etc all comes from his. We don't have a budget or set amount we are allowed to spend - just depends on what we are doing and need.

Works for us and we have no set rules about spending as long as we are in the black.

Snowdown Thu 06-Feb-14 10:45:04

I agree that we see all money coming into the house as ours - not Dh's. He does not get the casting vote, we are equal partners, we decide things together. We agree how much we plan to spend on holidays, the house, saving, the kids etc. Fundamentally we tend to agree on how money should be spent and we trust each other - and that makes things fairly straightforward.
I'm not sure how things work when you don't have financial equality - my parents had separate finances, my mum never felt my dad paid his fair share and the arguments about money were constant and tedious - never did I wish to follow their example.

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 11:13:34

I guess I don't see it as a 'right' no. For example using your partners money to buy groceries, petrol, necessities - yes! Because as the SAH partner you are raising the child and (assuming you are not working) you are not earning so obviously your partners money becomes the family pot.

But non essentials just don't sit right with me. I pay to have my hair done, I buy my own clothes etc. My partner would not care if I put it on his card but somehow it doesn't feel right whilst he is to only one working.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Feb-14 11:15:23

sebs I'm sorry you value yourself so little.

Bonsoir Thu 06-Feb-14 11:16:36

I don't have any more problem paying for my hairdresser or clothes with money that DP earned than he has a problem with me managing all the decisions to do with our family life. It's called sharing responsibilities...

I was the sole earner and DH was the SAHP (he now has a small income from his business but I earn 95% of the money). I wouldn't regard him buying clothes or a haircut as a luxury. If we can afford it then he has as much right to those things as I do. If he was working full time then I would be under a lot more pressure in my job because I would have to cover more of the school holidays, illness days etc than I do now. His contribution to the family is not strictly financial (although he is saving us a fortune in childcare) but the care and stability that him being more flexible with his time gives to me and the DC

Writerwannabe83 Thu 06-Feb-14 11:24:20

sebsmummy - so what money do you use for clothes and hair if you aren't working and you don't use your DH's?

Fairylea Thu 06-Feb-14 11:28:14

Sebs it's sad that you feel that way... as a sahm you're entitled to equal spending money as your dh. You're both part of the same family so should expect the same standard of living. If you and your dh have made the decision for one of you to be at home that person doesn't relinquish the right to personal spending money just because they relinquish their job. You have to split spending money between you both.

I have just spent £20 on 2 cups today. We needed some new ones and I really fancied some flash ones. Dh laughed at me in an endearing way as if it was up to him he'd just buy tesco value white ones but he really doesn't give a toss whatever I spend money on as long as I don't take the Michael smile

I'm just as valuable a contributor as my dh to the family and I will spend the family money as much as he can.

Headfullofrubbish Thu 06-Feb-14 11:34:04

Actually no one has a "right" to have luxuries do they?
Your pocket money issue is personal. Comparing it to what other people have is pointless unless you all have DH's who earn the me and have the same major outgoings and consider that everyone should have the same financial arrangements as everyone else.
Some women I know have several hundred pounds to spend as they please without having to go out to work so that makes your lot look a bit mean. Others have almost nothing and a struggling to feed their children.
I would quite like to have 135 quid to spend as I please each month, so maybe you are fortunate.
but even as someone who goes to work I don't get that, so not able to contribute to the "what's a reasonable allowance for a housewife" comparison.

YesAnastasia Thu 06-Feb-14 11:46:49

What are we considering luxuries anyway? Are family birthday presents? Hair? Toiletries?

A SAHM is not entitled, not allowed, has no right to these things if she didn't earn the money for them? Seriously.

I'm glad that's not a common way of thinking (in 2014...)

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 11:48:33

I don't think you are wrong, it's just how I feel.

I might feel differently if we were married, but as it is I just feel extremely lucky to have someone who looks after me and our son so well.

I know so many people, family included, who work their arses off to try and keep a roof over their heads and can afford no luxuries whatsoever. In fact can bearly afford to heat the house or run the car and that is with both parents working.

So I guess I feel it's respectful for me not to abuse someone else's money and I guess to me there are certain things that to me ARE luxuries.

I pay for my hair care out of my savings.

DoubleHappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 11:53:26

There sure are a lot of hair shirts being worn here.

I know this woman who is a stylist. She used to work with big financial companies in NY and she now works with a lot of women helping them change and improve their image. I once went to a talk with her. A lot of the women ummed and ahhed about spending money as they felt guilty etc. This was when I was an expat and a lot of the women had given up jobs to follow their DH and couldn't work due to permit issues. Even though most of their husbands had great jobs like Partners in Consulting firms, heading up regional teams in Banking and earning $$$$ they still felt guilty about buying things. This consultant told us that she has had many conversations with husbands and the one thing she learned is that in most cases it is the woman who has the guilt complex whereas the guy wants nothing more than to see his wife happy and wearing nice clothes and feeling good about herself.

I know that of course it is a different kettle of fish if you have loads of money coming in. But I think some of you need to ask yourself - does your DP really begrudge you spending a couple of hundred quid on yourself a month? Or do you own that guilt? Also if your DH does mind and he can afford it, then he is a bit of a twat.

I have never had to say this to my DH because he is not a twat but the day my DH says I can't buy myself a few things, when we can afford it, then that's the day that he can do 50% of the school runs, 50% of the cooking, cleaning, ironing, chores, dealing with the school etc. etc. and I will go back to work. I'm pretty sure that would go down like a lead balloon.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Feb-14 11:55:38

sebs you are in a vulnerable position as a SAHM being unmarried. Is the house in joint names?

Anniegoestotown Thu 06-Feb-14 11:55:52

Spend on clothes when I need to, I hate clothes shopping, dh the same, neither of us are big spenders. I have never worn make up and dh cuts my hair (long and straight). Only luxury item is hair dye, currently purple.

Creamycoolerwithcream Thu 06-Feb-14 11:56:22

I've never felt like that. If DH gets a pay rise we both increase our money for treats and personal money (and for the DC). If we didn't DH would end up with hundreds or more for himself and me a lot less which wouldn't be an equal partnership.

Aelfrith Thu 06-Feb-14 12:03:14

All money is joint here. I'm a SAHM, budget is tight but I can spend whatever I want as can DH. Neither of us would spend over about £20 on personal stuff without asking the other as money is very tight here. But neither is it asking 'permission' as such, it's just checking that it's possible, reminding each other of expenditure that's coming up etc. both of us always prepared to go without/postpone purchase if necessary so we don't argue over it fortunately. Luckily we are both of a frugal mindset so there's no conflict of opinion.

I probably actually spend about £30 per month on myself, coffee with a friend, possibly a book for my kindle, getting hair cut/coloured every 6-7 weeks. I get all my clothes from charity shops and shop once every 3 months or so for the next season...probably spend about £30 every 4 months or so. Kids' clothing expenditure is similar though once a year I do a splurge on uniform items when they are in the sales and stock up for the next year or so, might spend £120 or so, but have got 3 DCs so not too bad overall.

DoubleHappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 12:10:17

My DH travels quite a bit for work, leaves the house at 0630, comes home at 8.30pm so he can't do any of the chores or work done to bring up our children. I do it all because if I made him do 50% of it, he wouldn't be in the job he is in for very long.

I could get a job and return to work in central London, but I would have to hire a nanny and my kids would see us at the weekend.

So I look after my kids 24/7 and I am not supposed to spend any money on myself because I don't contribute!

So being a SAHM - what's in it for me again. If there is one thing I am NOT, it's Martyr Mum. Happy mummy, happy family.

Dunno the exact figure, I just buy what I need/want (within reason) if there's enough money left.

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 12:11:51

Nope, it's not in joint names and I am fully aware of how vulnerable I am.

Oh, and as far as I'm concerned a SAHP is contributing financially; they're saving the household the cost of full-time childcare.

Aelfrith Thu 06-Feb-14 12:14:22

double sorry not understanding the 'hair shirt' reference? Can you explain?

Very interesting point you make about women's guilt etc. but as an <old gimmer> feminist I found a lot of assumptions in your post very startling (genuinely not a criticism, just really startling)

Stylist? Why? Why would you go to one?

The linking of being happy/wearing nice clothes/feeling good about yourself and this being what a DH 'wants'!! <bangs head on table that this is what/how women lead their lives>

Creamycoolerwithcream Thu 06-Feb-14 12:16:51

Seb there is a thread at the moment about a women who wants to leave her partner of 12 years but has no claim to the home and can't afford to. I know everyone's circumstances are different but it's worth a read. Oh and hang on to your savings, when they are gone they are gone.

Fairylea Thu 06-Feb-14 12:20:36

If I had to use savings to pay for things like my own haircut while dh had his own spending money I would tell him where to shove it. How ridiculously unfair, I'd feel really resentful. (In response to sebs).

If neither of you have any spare money then that is something different entirely but to be unequal just because one of you works at home and one outside the home is a throwback to 1900.

Ubik1 Thu 06-Feb-14 12:21:27

It just depends on how much money there is, surely.

When my children were very small we wer utterly skint and neither of us spent any money on ourselves. Even now I probably spend about £50 and that's just yoga. Can't often afford clothing, now winter boots this winter (thak god it's not too cold)

I also work but most of my money pays bills just like DPs.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Feb-14 12:24:36

sebs - even more reason not to spend what money you do have on regular expenses. What plans does your partner have to make you more financially secure? Are you going to be getting married or getting your name added to the deeds of the house?

Maybe that is why you don't feel you have any right to spend 'his' money on yourself, because you know that he could cut you off without a penny at a moments notice. Are you trying to stay under the radar with your expenditure?

IShallCallYouSquishy Thu 06-Feb-14 12:29:21

I'm not SAHM mum but just gone on mat leave for DC2 and will do same as when I was for DD.

I get my mat pay. I pay my car insurance, mobile, share of groceries, stuff for DD plus give myself £100 a month "spending" money. If I want something that's over and above that I tell DH I'm using the credit card and then when the bill comes in it gets paid in full from his account.

I do all the household banking and finances and even though we have separate accounts it's all one pot really. DH doesn't care as long as we save what we plan to each month, we never owe any money (obviously not including mortgage) and the bills get paid.

DoubleHappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 12:35:10


She calls herself a stylist and we would probably call her someone who does house of colour or is a personal shopper. I do know that she has done image consulting with big companies in the US with people who want to improve their image for work etc. I didn't use her services, I went to a free talk she gave when I was bored.

There is no sexist intention in my post, however it may come across like that. Perhaps it may be relevant to say that I do not live in the UK and my version of feminism is very different to what you find in the UK. Despite being a SAHM, I am very much my own person and have enough of my own money and savings that I earned to justify staying at home.

As for looking good, feeling good etc. perhaps we just have to agree to disagree. I like to work out, I like to take care of my skin and hair, I like to look presentable, it makes me feel good about myself and I do it for me, not one else. Some of those things cost money. My DH would much rather I was fit, healthy and happy than miserable and feel like shit. I feel the same way about him. There is no 1950's element to that. It's what other people in the world do.

brooncoo Thu 06-Feb-14 12:36:59

Ishall - we are similar. Different accounts but all one pot if that makes sense. No one has more than the other to spend even if we don't always spend equally. If anything, my account is much more flush than husbands.

Aelfrith Thu 06-Feb-14 12:39:24

Fair enough *double! grin thanks for replying.

Yes probably different in the UK and I am from a particular time and place in terms of feminism...think 1980s Greenham common protests etc? New York stylists are not in my world at all!

mumeeee Thu 06-Feb-14 12:41:11

When I was a SAHM I just spent what I wanted which actually was never that much but I Coyle have spent more. DH has never viewed his money as just his it is our money,

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 12:41:56

I don't want to sound like a weak flower but I'm in the middle of a miscarriage at the moment so don't really feel strong enough mentally at the moment to have a strong debate about my future security.

I am healthy and can work once my son is at school. My son has a trust fund so will be fine in the future.

DoubleHappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 12:45:49

About the hair shirt. I used to wear one, then moved aboard and saw that it's ok to be nice to yourself. I'm sure you know what they are - animal or coarse hair tunics worn under garments to itch and cause misery, worn as a sign of repentance. I used to have catholic guilt, but now don't. I once knew a very wise Indian teacher who told me that if you do not take care of yourself mentally and physically that is a kind of sin because your actions impact and harm the ones you love the most. This was a massive wake up call for me after a bout of depression.

Now I'll piss off and no longer hog the thread.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Feb-14 12:48:35

sebs I'm very sorry about your miscarriage, look after yourself. x

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 06-Feb-14 12:51:51

no limit, but I am sure there would be if I went crazy.

After groceries, I reckon I spend about £400 a month.

Pollaidh Thu 06-Feb-14 13:10:00

Our salaries (I am on paid ML but soon to be unpaid) go into our individual accounts. We transfer what is needed to the joint account. Bills etc paid by joint account. (Or actually by a cashback credit card, which we pay fully every month from the joint.) We each save an amount monthly as our income well exceeds our needs. I buy what I want and can afford, as does he, unless it's a major expense in which case we discuss (over £350 probably). But we tend to buy things jointly, have similar tastes, neither spends crazily, and always casually discuss purchases anyway. DH is paid much more than I am, hence has much more disposable income, but I am still well paid. He makes higher contributions to household expenses etc but there's not a formula.

During previous, and soon to be unpaid ML, he increased his contribution. I, in the preceding months, saved more of my salary into an instant access savings account, and he increased his contribution to the joint. So I can draw on my 'own' money without feeling I need to ask. I'll use this for gifts etc, but mostly I'll take money from the joint, as I am 'working' to produce and raise his offspring.

If one was a spendthrift and the other a splurger we'd probably need a different arrangement. Equally if money was tight we'd have to be more formal I think.

Fairylea Thu 06-Feb-14 13:14:00

Sebs I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in any of my responses to you. I think a lot of my angst about this comes from being with my first husband who was utterly awful at paying for anything, let alone sharing anything so I feel like I'm on some sort of ridiculous personal crusade at times. .. sorry !

Take care of yourself x

sebsmummy1 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:19:05

Hey it's ok, just not feeling my normal robust self and didn't want to disappear as though huffy xx

YesAnastasia Thu 06-Feb-14 13:21:06

Me too Sebs, I'm so sorry that's happened to you. No, It doesn't make you a weak flower but having been through it - it's shit and it's takes a while. Take care of yourself.

Pollaidh Thu 06-Feb-14 13:22:26

Sorry, just seen you actually want figures, although as someone else has said, not sure how useful as it surely depends on your total income and outgoings. £400 or something like that? Not sure. A lot of that is essential due to a health issue I have. Otherwise it's lunches and coffees with baby-friends, mobile bill, hairdresser once or twice a month (again necessary due to health), minimal beauty stuff, books, some clothes but not much as trying to fit back into my old clothes.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. it's horrible for you, be kind to yourself. I hope you're being well supported.

YesAnastasia Thu 06-Feb-14 13:54:32

Anyway, I have voiced my (your...) concerns and he will do a list of accounts/financial stuff I need to know in case he dies.

I asked him just as he was going to sleep because I remembered - that might have been a bit mean.

thanks sorry to hear what you are going through

diabolo Thu 06-Feb-14 15:42:09

I'm starting a full time degree in September after 10 years of working part time so won't have my own income for 3 years.

I don't spend a lot on myself, haircut every couple of months, lipstick etc comes with a normal grocery shop and I only buy clothes with birthday or Christmas present money.

But I do spend about £50 per month on books which will have to stop. Luckily I 'll be busy studying so won't be too much of a problem.

diabolo Thu 06-Feb-14 15:46:15

That's my choice btw, to stop spending money on books when I'm not earning. I'm sure DH would have no objection, but it wouldn't feel right to me.

BarbarianMum Thu 06-Feb-14 15:47:44

About £30 a month.

It wasn't an allowance, it reflected what we could afford. Dh probably had slightly less but a bigger clothing allowance cause he needed smart clother for work.

apocketfulofposy Thu 06-Feb-14 15:47:50

i spend as much as i want,i dont know the exact amount but if i want to buy something then i do,money isnt tight for us so i guess if it was i would ask first and check we can afford it.

fishybits Thu 06-Feb-14 15:49:32

Cash - anything left over from the housekeeping so about £40 a week

Credit card - anything I want for either DD or I, sometimes a tenner a month sometimes more. It's paid off every month as we use it like a debit card but just to rack up air miles.

We don't have a joint bank account as I don't want one.

apocketfulofposy Thu 06-Feb-14 15:50:47

i honestly dont see it as his money either,its mine too,were married,half of its mine!

Whatnamenext Thu 06-Feb-14 22:21:01

I know the thread has moved on, but

"I think I'm going to buy this trouser press/hostess trolley/fondue set - is that alright by you?" Made me snort. I want to live in that house grin

Onsera3 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:16

I get £300 per month for things for me and DS. Doesn't include things like gifts (we put money aside in a separate acc for that) or mobile phone etc.

It's for clothes, Starbucks, toiletries(other than supermarket ones), contact lenses, tube fares and other random things.

DH only gives himself £50!.

It's not about it being all I'm allowed- it's all we have decided we can afford as we have a lot of one off expenses this year. I don't quite get the whole I'm an adult so I shouldn't have an allowance thing. We just like having a clear cut budget.

Jux Thu 06-Feb-14 23:16:22

YOu're not spending someone else's money. It's family money, earnt by both of you. He goes out to work for an employer and you enable that by looking after the children.

Otherwise you'd be out earning money as an employee too, and the pair of you would be paying out a fortune in childcare.

Don't for one moment think that the money his employer pays him is his alone. It is yours too. You work far longer hours I bet, with fewer breaks. It's just as much your money as his.

That's how it is in 2014.

whostolemybreeze Fri 07-Feb-14 05:54:51

I think this is all really sad. One thing that I am really glad about is that DH and I very much think of ourselves as a team. We have done this form day 1. I used to earn more than him and he had lots of debts. My family have also helped "us" out a lot when we were younger (helped with deposits when we moved in together after Uni as we both couldn't afford 2 months advance, helped with deposit on house, lawyers fees, my Dad paid for the wedding, bought us furniture). My DH used to earn half of what I did and we pooled all our money from the start. I even paid off his 10K student loan in addition to my own. As the years have gone by his career has really taken off and as a family we have 3 kids. I am a SAHP now and within our "team" he goes to the office and I am the "everything else". Along the way we decided that we wanted to look after our own children and not have a childminder. The feminists on here are going to bang their heads against the keyboard when I tell you that my DH told me he loves me being at home because he can concentrate on his work and not have to worry about anything else. Saying that though my DH is really hands on when he is at home. I can't understand a lot of the mentality on Mumsnet about it being his money and the other one that really perplexes me is the - we are married, I earn this much and he earns more and we split the bills 50/50 and he has 500 left over at the month and 5K savings and I have 20 pounds left over at the end of the month and am 3K in debt. I thought people got married to work as a team. That to me is being flatmates.

likeit Fri 07-Feb-14 09:38:06

Can't be trusted with full access to a bank account because I will rinse it so OH transfers £200 at the beginning of the week.

likeit Fri 07-Feb-14 09:38:50

Sorry didn't realise thread was 12 pages long so apologies if it's moved on.

DinoSnores Fri 07-Feb-14 09:48:05

I have no idea. We both spend the money in the bank account if we need to, running major purchases past each other just to check that we have the money/need it/want it enough etc.

vitaminC Fri 07-Feb-14 09:55:41

I buy whatever I want, whenever I want, from the joint account (not a SAHM, but a full-time student with no personal income right now), as does DH. We have a budget and both know roughly how much "spending money" we can afford each month.

We trust each other to be sensible and any large purchases are discussed and decided together. I manage the day-to-day finances, but he checks the account regularly so he knows what he can reasonably spend or not.

We also have one credit card which we use for large purchases (or surprises we don't want to other to see on the joint account), but which gets paid off each month.

canyourearme Fri 07-Feb-14 09:57:41

I have recently returned v part time to work, do weekends so sahm during the week. Anyway, i dont get anything. Joint account, we share.

funnyossity Fri 07-Feb-14 10:06:41

whostolemybreeze, I think as you do but this is perhaps because my husband and I started from the same point, young and neither of us with property or thoughts of, for example, trust funds.

Looking at sebsmummy's posts and the thread recently about partners not getting married because of an inherited property - perhaps it becomes an issue where people enter into a relationship from very different economic situations?

Proseccoisnotrah Fri 07-Feb-14 10:07:30

This is really interesting. We don't have joint finances, just because it was more convenient to keep them separate at first and we have never had a reason to change things.

DH outearns me by a lot and I am part time at the moment. I keep my wages and child benefit and pay for childcare, my phone bill, gym membership and my own credit card if I have spent anything on it. DH pays the household bills out of his account. I have a credit card linked to his account which I can use if I need to but I hardly ever do.

I don't think this makes us any less of a team and we have actually never ever argued about money. If I wasn't earning then I would be happy to have the same arrangement as op so long as it was enough money to cover the month. Which the CB probably isn't op. You need to speak to him.

MarshaBrady Fri 07-Feb-14 10:09:08

Any £ is for both of us. Sometimes I have more depending on freelance work I am doing.

BadlyStuffedWalrus Fri 07-Feb-14 10:44:31

When my partner was alive, we both had personal accounts but also had a joint account. We had similar earnings, so we mostly operated a 50% of salary into the joint account policy to cover household bills and put a bit aside for savings. When I was on maternity leave, we used those savings to pay me spending money in line with what I'd have had if working. It mostly worked well for us, though I was better at not building up personal credit card debt. There was definitely an agreement that if anything went wrong for one of us on that front the other would bail them out.

dogindisguise Fri 07-Feb-14 11:57:32

We have a joint account and I am able to spend what I like, within reason. I do sometimes feel guilty that I sometimes buy clothes from Boden whereas DH is happy with Asda, he cuts his own hair whereas I spend £30 every couple of months on mine. On the other hand, I don't drink. We have lost our CB although I do earn a little money from proof reading work from home and online surveys.

ssd Fri 07-Feb-14 12:16:19

of all the couples I know who dont share the joint account equally, its all his money and her money, all of the( and I mean all,) men have had affairs...

men know money is power and having most of the money in the marriage counts as something.....its like having power over the woman so you can do as you like...

but the women have stayed with these men, there seems to be something appealing in the little woman attitude "oh I dont know how much the bills are, I'm a real girl when it comes to that..."

I'd rather be single than live like this.

brooncoo Fri 07-Feb-14 12:37:22

I'm a SAHM and We have separate accounts but we see the money as family money. I've never felt it's not my money as well and I can spend what I like on what I like. like haing an account that I only have access to - can see more easily what I'm spending. We did have joint account once for a while and it didn't feel any different.

fedupandfifty Fri 07-Feb-14 12:44:28

I'm not quite a sahm, but here's my arrangement.

Dp's salary covers mortgage and most of bills. We go halves on food. I have a source ofincome derived from investments and property built up when I was working. It's about 1200 per month.

Out of that, I have furnished, carpeted and decorated the house. I clothe and otherwise fund dd. I buy and run my own cars, buy clothes and entertain myself. Over the past few years when money has been tight I have paid for family holidays too ( cheap staycations).

We do not have a joint bank account, and I could not imagine myself "asking" for money.

We're about the same in terms of assets, but he's earning way more than me at the moment, as I gave up work when dd was born and I have been unable to get well-paid regular work which fits around childcare commitments.

ShitOnAStick Fri 07-Feb-14 13:42:24

The same as DH which is nothing. If one of us needs something we look at our finances and set a budget for it.

ssd Fri 07-Feb-14 14:06:29

fedupandfifty, that sounds like a business arrangement sad

fedupandfifty Fri 07-Feb-14 14:39:56

ssd as you said yourself, money is power! I'd feel powerless in my relationship if I didn't have my own money. Dp is a tight-arse and I would find it demeaning (and pointless) to have to share a pot of money with him. He'd question everything and make me justify it.

HelloBoys Fri 07-Feb-14 15:10:38

I'm not a parent but what do parents do eg with child benefit?

One mother I knew saved this up for herself - eg hair salon trips. But then her husband was wealthy and they had 2 kids under 3.

does CB go into the housekeeping pot too?

Creamycoolerwithcream Fri 07-Feb-14 15:12:23

I think knowledge is power, not knowing what the household bills etc are such as in the case of the OP is not good.

HelloBoys Fri 07-Feb-14 15:14:01

friends of mine (1) complained bitterly when she was a SAHM as her DH vetoed every payment and she was a clothes and makeup woman. She went back to work ASAP and they only have a DD.

Another friend saved and her DP, then DH decided to let her have 2 years off not working (but doing on the side work, she's an architect/interior designer) before they got married and had DC. they rented out properties they owned to pay mortgage and then rented another property (as couldn't sell first 2 properties or wanted to keep 1). She said she was 'living off' her DP, then DF then DH but didn't mind.

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 15:16:29

Income is income Helloboys. Doesn't matter if it's wages, benefits or from investments. Income minus outgoings on the the costs of running home, cars and personal car then leaves us with our disposable household income which is divided equally.

I totally agree with fedupandfifty I couldn't share a personal bank account with my DH as I need to have financial autonomy over my own spending power.

Ragwort Fri 07-Feb-14 15:18:59

fedupandfifty I hope you have your name on the house? Does your DP have life insurance? What would happen if he died or you split up?

HelloBoys - in our family we made the decision to use CB for our DS's pension - yes, we started a pension fund for him when he was born. grin

I appreciate we are in a comfortable finanical position to be able to do this.

tolittletoolate Fri 07-Feb-14 15:20:50

I don't have an allowance, I just spend what I like from our joint account. Within reason obviously! I don't take the piss.

foreverondiet Fri 07-Feb-14 15:23:50

My DH earns more than me (I work part time) but money is shared - I spend more than him as I buy all the food, kids clothes, my clothes household products birthday presents etc etc and he buys only stuff for himself (and actually he doesn't buy much). Bills etc from joint account.

Its not a good question as it depends on how much money you have as a family to spare. I would be livid if my DH say could afford an ipad and I couldn't. He knows he can only work the hours he does as I am home more. That's fine but thats why I earn less.

HelloBoys Fri 07-Feb-14 15:30:41

whenever I've lived with boyfriends have always kept separate accounts.

My mum and stepdad - they both had separate accounts, my mum (before internet banking and maybe even now) wrote down in an accounts book what went in and came out. She is extremely good with her money though and was taught this by her mum who was book-keeper (and owned own business). AFAIK My stepdad frittered away money but now he's retired (good civil service pension, lump sum etc) is much better.

I think communication is key.

MrsKoala Fri 07-Feb-14 15:41:50

DH and i have a joint account. All bills come out of that and we try to stick to £50 each a week for expenses (not clothes usually, but coffees, lunch, activities, cosmetics, leg waxes, hair cuts, going out etc). Clothes and shoes we discuss (ie let the other know we need x and how much it costs, to ensure we have enough to cover it - we might wait a month or 2 if we have a lot of outgoings) but we are both sensible. In December dh spent a grand on a suit, 2 pairs of shoes and a tie. But we agreed it and he really needed them - he hadn't bought a new item for 3 years. I never let my stocks deplete to that level so the most i need is £200-£400 at a time for boots or a coat (altho that's only every 2-3 years).

We also both get all our clothes for xmas and birthday gifts. So it's rare we ever shop for clothes really.

fedupandfifty Fri 07-Feb-14 16:20:10

ragwort I don't have my name on the house. He has life insurance which will pay off the mortgage if he dies. He has a pension too, quite a good one.

I appreciate I'm not in a brilliant position financially at the moment. I have a couple of houses I could sell (or move into) if push came to shove. My main concern is not being able to find well-paid employment. Being ancient, this is now a real issue.

I've been with dp for 30 years. I appreciate I have no automatic rights.

Rosieliveson Fri 07-Feb-14 18:05:36

I've given up work to be SAHM so we have one income which is now 'our' money. After all outgoings we have £400 allocated to general spending. That includes clothes, going out and also anything for baby. If there is a large purchase either of us want to make we discuss it. We are generally more sensible now there is DS to think about.

It is strange not having my own salary coming in but we have run a house together for years so I've had a while to get used to being less frivolous grin

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 18:23:09

I don't see why I should have to discuss a bigger prlurchase for myself with my DH. That's why our disposable income is divided equally and put in separate personal accounts. We aren't accountable to the other for our personal spending.

I'd never want to be in the position where I have to justify my wants, even to my husband.

Summerblaze Fri 07-Feb-14 18:36:56

I save dc's CB to use for their purchases. Clothes, clubs, nappies etc until it is gone then i start on our money. Some months its all gone and then others there is loads left which rolls on to the next month.

scottishmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 19:40:13

Cb is for the child,given by govt to the I aren''s right cb be spent on child
Cb isn't parental latte fund.or haircuts or jollies
It's means tested benefit to be spent in the child

£450 per month.

Whatnamenext Fri 07-Feb-14 19:43:49

DP and I have bought a house together. I already had 2 children. He earns much more than me. I work pt, he works full time. Spend what we want but discuss big purchases. Never argue about money.

I feel like one lucky bugger.

I spend what I want in groceries and use joint account for kids clothes and house stuff.

I have an allowance as am a bit of a menace and would bankrupt us whereas DH budgets and invests and all that jazz.

tolittletoolate Fri 07-Feb-14 20:21:08

I do have some income, just over £120 a week so I make sure I don't spend more than that really.

LaQueenOfHearts Fri 07-Feb-14 20:55:09

I have been a SAHM twice, both times for around 8 months (until I got too bored, and had to go back to work).

Both times I obviously still got CB - but I also had open access to our joint bank account, into which DH puts all his salary, and I had open access to our joint credit cards etc.

I would not have settled for anything less. All our money, regardless, is family money and we don't ever differentiate between what DH earns (which is usually quite a lot) and what I earn (which isn't that much, as I only work part time).

LaQueenOfHearts Fri 07-Feb-14 20:58:18

Have just read some more...I cannot ever imagine having to actually justify to my DH what I had spent money on, or have to ask for money...I would hate to live like that, hate it.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Fri 07-Feb-14 21:12:35

this is interesting.
For me, the main thing is openness about money.
Knowing the financial position you are in as a family.
Knowing what is reasonable for YOU and your unit.

DH and I are comfortable and we have joint finances.
However, the annual statement for the credit card came in last month and he was taken aback by the "annual spend" on my credit card.
5 minutes of discussion and all was resolved.
He forgot that all the petrol, food, childrens clothes, dentist visits, insurance, car repairs etc come from that annual amount.

What was left we were both completely fine about as personal expenditure.
Neither of us would have been comfortable if the total amount had been my personal expenditure alone.

talk ! it is the best way of working out if what s going on in your home is what you are happy with.

brooncoo Fri 07-Feb-14 21:15:44

Suppose it depends though. Some folk are silly with money and can't control their spending. Had a friend who had racked up 20 grand debt on cards that her husband knew nothing about. So whatever works for folk as long as both agree and are happy. Sometimes one person has to hold the reigns.

Never have to justify what I spend as a SAHM, or does husband as we trust that we won't do anything too rash. Don't always agree with what he spends as I think he is more extravagant over all than me but his choice and he earns well and there is always plenty left .

LaQueenOfHearts Sat 08-Feb-14 10:51:54

I agree never - DH and I have been together a very long time, and we trust each other not to go wild...we both know roughly what is considered a reasonable amount to spend on a purchase, before we need to check with the other one, first.

DH is more of a spendthrift than me, I guess, in that he can blow �����s on one expensive item. But he is totally uninterested in clothes/labels and is very happy to live in casual stuff from M&S/Fat Face.

Whereas, on a daily basis I probably spend as much/more on coffees, lunches with friends, I have a vair expensive cosmetic/toiletries habit...and I like nice clothes, too blush

YesAnastasia Sat 08-Feb-14 16:06:27

Oh don't say that you like nice things LaQueen there will be outrage from some that you're reinforcing a stereotype. Don't you know that if you're a SAHM, you mustn't want things or have luxuries...

scottishmummy Didn't you know that people spend their benefits on whatever they like? Some people on benefits sometimes go on holiday & dare they?

ssd Sat 08-Feb-14 17:11:50

laqueen isnt a sahm

YesAnastasia Sat 08-Feb-14 17:39:30

Ah that's ok then hmm

confusedofengland Sat 08-Feb-14 18:23:44

All our money (wages, child benefit) just goes into the joint account & it we each spend whatever we need from that. I rarely buy things for myself & if I do it's clothes/books from charity shops/supermarkets/Primark. Most of my spends are on playdates with DCs where I buy myself a coffee. Most of DH's spends are on drinks after work (once a fortnight or so). Both get birthday money which we use for new shoes, coats etc.

Electriclaundryland Sat 08-Feb-14 18:27:57

About �12 a week. A fiver for fat club, �3 for fitness class and the rest on coffee at toddler group.

poorincashrichinlove Sat 08-Feb-14 19:07:05

Nothing. I wanted to stay at home with DCs and had to sacrifice my salary. DH earns enough to cover the basics but treats are few n far between. i.e. Hair au naturel colour these days because we can't afford salon trips for root touch ups. In fact, I generally look like shit :-(

Rosieliveson Sat 08-Feb-14 19:13:17

When I say we discuss it, it's not a matter of permission.

I think it would be irresponsible to make a large purchase (above what is planned for as spending money) without some consideration for our family budget.

Whatnamenext Sat 08-Feb-14 20:29:53

Poorincash - can I just recommend going to a college salon? £5 for a decent haircut. I would never pay salon prices again.

My Grandpa taught electronics at a FE collage and my Nan always got her hair done there.

One year she ended up making friends with one of the students and for years after Grandpa retired this young woman would come and do Nan's hair. She did mine once or twice when we were visiting.

LaQueenOfHearts Sat 08-Feb-14 21:14:54

yes I'm not a SAHM nowadays. I have tried being a SAHM twice, for a few months, but hated went back to work, albeit part time.

LaQueenOfHearts Sat 08-Feb-14 21:16:28

However, I am confused as to why a SAHM shouldn't be allowed nice things hmm

It would have taken a vair brave person to stand between me and the make-up counter at Bobbi Brown, even when I was a SAHM wink

elismom Sat 08-Feb-14 21:53:01

OP you are a grown woman with a family and home and you don't know how much your own mortgage is? Am I reading that right?

YesAnastasia Sat 08-Feb-14 23:17:05

Yes, elismom you are. I know what it was when we took it out but I have no idea now, it could be the same..? I used to know stuff. My life is ridiculously simple now.

Yes, me too Laqueen it has been suggested & insinuated through this thread. It's interesting. And sad.

Whatnamenext Sun 09-Feb-14 10:10:54

Isn't that trying to have it both ways though? Either be 1950s and let the man do everything and know everything and accept the allowance (and the simplicity of it) or step up into a partnership.

DarlingGrace Sun 09-Feb-14 10:20:03

My DH wouldnt have a clue about money and out goings. I deal with it all. I doubt he even knows how much is outstanding on our mortgage, term, payments or who it's with.

I have a nice folder with everything in, should I die, to make his life simple grin

sleepyhead Sun 09-Feb-14 13:07:12

In the 1950s when my gran was a SAHM with 3 small children, it was a matter of pride for the husband to bring an intact weekly pay packet home to his wife. From that, she would give him a small amount of pocket money (literally money to have in his pocket for his personal spends) and use the rest for the household expenses. She, and her peers, managed all the finances.

If the man brought home a broken pay packet it was probably because he was spending it in the pub on the way home, on in the bookies, and his children would go hungry as a result.

Maybe it was different in middle class households though.

LaQueenOfHearts Sun 09-Feb-14 16:37:13

But...I still don't get it <wails>

If you don't have a job outside the family home, you're not entitled to share your partner's money, or spend a penny on that really what some people think shock

MummyPig24 Sun 09-Feb-14 17:33:07

£20ish a month to spend on myself. That's probably coffee and a magazine twice. Everything else goes on bills, food, children.

I never, ever get clothes, my friend cuts my hair for free and I babysit her dd a few times in return.

We have very little disposable income so I'm just grateful that we can afford the things the children need.

500internalerror Sun 09-Feb-14 17:41:16

I had 5 yrs as a sahm. Our budget was £200 a month; from this, I paid for travelcard @£60 ish, pension @ £110 ish, clothes for me & kids, treats, trips, playgroup subs. All the bills and food expenses came from the rest of our income (dh salary plus child benefit), so not included in the £200.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Sun 09-Feb-14 18:13:36

I posted upthread. I have between 3/400 to spend on me. Some months I spend that, sometimes I don't. If I asked for more, and it was affordable, dh wouldn't think twice. It really feels like our money.

I know Jack all about our finances. Zero interest. In terms of our family life, my focus is children, dh, the household and some admin. Nothing to do with 99% of the bills.

So many mumsnetters would crucify me for this, but I have no plan to change. It works for us. I really, deeply and profoundly trust my dh. If it ever went tits up, I know he would be still straight down the line when it came to finances. I have never met anyone with such a deep rooted respect for rules and the law, so if he was asked to provide a full financial background, I would put my life in it that he would do so. To an utterly anal extent!

What's so wrong with really giving ourselves to our partner? Dh doesn't know so much about how I run the house and children, and I know so little about money and the car. Very old fashioned. But it genuinely ansld truly works for us. Helped no doubt by the fact that dh is a high earner and money isn't a worry.

elismom Sun 09-Feb-14 19:54:08

Sleepyhead I can remember my dad handing the square brown wage envelope to my mom on a Friday night and he getting his few quid back for his spends. I was born in 1977 so must have been 1980s.
I am just horrified to see that op and others are jointly liable for a mortgage etc but would have no idea of the details. I hope life stays always so straightforward for you always.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 09-Feb-14 20:41:31

LaQueen apparently so!

MN often leaves me astounded, but some people's ideas are just so bloody weird grin

LaQueenOfHearts Sun 09-Feb-14 20:55:09

Ali you know, I've been on here for donkey's years and MN still never fails to shock me grin

Pagwatch Sun 09-Feb-14 21:01:18

I am a sahm. I own half of everything we have. I spend what I like on what I like. I don't go out and buy myself a Rolex because it's our money - I would be cutting into my own income /savings.

We agreed that I should give up work because one of us had to. I have contributed as much to placing us where we are as he has.

myfriendbill Sun 09-Feb-14 21:12:27

About 1k a week disposable for me.

LaQueenOfHearts Sun 09-Feb-14 21:14:14

"I have contributed as much to placing us where we are as he has."

Exactly Pag I worked full time for several years, supporting us both financially, while DH grew his business. He wouldn't be where he is now, business-wise, without all my effort and support years ago.

Share and share alike, etc.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 09-Feb-14 21:54:59

I honestly don't understand the women who have no idea about the financial costs of the house?!

I file all our bills every month so I know exactly what our expenditure is on gas, water, electricity and mortgage. I also have print outs each month of our joint account expenditure and go through it to ensure everything is as it should be. There is no way I could just ignore it all, I have to know that me and DH are financially stable and we will not go overdrawn etc.

I imagine though that the women who don't need this reassurance are in situations where money isn't an issue - I.e they have lots of it and don't ever have to worry about overdrafts grin

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:09:20

My maths is terrible so dh sorts the finances. I look over them every once in a while but the one month I did them we went in the over draft and we never go in it with him budgeting so I'm happy to leave it to him smile I do know how much the bills r when they come out etc I just can't add up sad

As far as money just for me none if I have a genuine need for something I get it but all out money goes on living and the dc if I want a treat ie hair nails etc I wait for Mother's Day Xmas or my bday.

YesAnastasia Sun 09-Feb-14 23:04:11

Lifeisaboxofchocs I'm the same on a few things. Not the amount clearly, but I trust DH with money implicitly. He cares about money a great deal. He is a very moral man & would never, ever let me down or deceive me when it comes to money. Other ways perhaps but never this way.

Elismom I have no desire to know, it would feel like a massive chore & I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't have a trust issue either. I know he will trawl the internet for hours for the best deal and knows everything there is to know about all things money related. I would just pay what I'm told & not shop around because it's boring & I CBA. It's better he deals with it, that's all.

I deal with the children and - to a certain extent - the house. For now, it's enough, I guess.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 09-Feb-14 23:51:38

I really do find it so odd that you don't care about your finances. You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable.

What happens if your DH is suddenly ill and can't deal with this stuff? You don't know what needs paying to who and when, you don't know anything! It is so irresponsible, I find it hard to accept.

My grandpa always dealt with all the finances, my nan had 'zero interest' as some of you are putting it. When he died, she didn't have a CLUE how to manage the household bills. She wasn't named on any of the utility bills so to begin with none of the companies would speak to her. She had never had to work out which deal was best, read through the small print to make sure she wasn't being taken advantage of etc etc etc. It caused no end of heartache at an already dreadful time.
Fortunately for her, her children were grown up and were able to take the strain of sorting things out - and they still do to this day. What on earth would have happened if she had been trying to care for small DCs while wrestling with all of that I have no idea.

Lifeisabox - If it ever went tits up, I know he would be still straight down the line when it came to finances
You obviously don't spend much time on the relationship board then. Plenty of women who used to think that find that they are utterly wrong when their H leaves them, and leaves them in the financial shit.
It is nothing to do with trust or the lack of it, and everything to do with not abdicating yourself from the responsibility of dealing with the basics of your own life.

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 05:57:42

I WOTH so shouldn't be commenting I suppose. But surely you need at the very least a pension fund in your own name ? Dh and I have discussed this and both think that if as a couple you agree that one of you will SAH long term (more than a year ?) then it's only fair that the working partner contributes to a pension fund for the SAHP , if funds allow. However I think this should be one of the costs you considers a couple when someone gives up their career. I suppose this should be equal in value to the working partner's pension if at all possible.

From some of the replies on here I do understand if you have £20 spare from the whole budget then in all likelihood no one is putting any money aside for pensions or anything else, which is fair enough and often the way with very young dcs no matter whose working.

FWIW I have about £200 per month to spend as I like some months more, some less. I buy nice clothes for me and the dcs (school uniform and it's adult equivelent comes from sainsbury's or Asda from the j/a) meals out and presents. Unusually cosmetics come from the supermarket and are therefore paid for by j/a.

When dh was a SAHD I transferred £500 PCM into his account.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 07:19:58

Alibaba... Really? By not knowing the gas bill I am 'abdicating from the responsibility of dealing with the basics of my own life'.

Totally disagree.

How many mothers out there know so much more about the day to day detail of their children's lives than their husbands? Doesn't mean these men are abdicating themselves of the responsibility of being a fathers (in some cases perhaps)?.no, it is just how family life works in many cases. And the men will pick up other stuff that the women won't know about. Could be the children, or could be the boiler, the car, the garden. It's called working as a partnership and delegation. I am crap with finances. Dh has shown me where everything is in terms of financial documents, includes me on decisions about what to do with his bonus etc. But ultimately, I don't deal of with bills because that his job in our relationship. Whereas my job is otherwise known stuff. If I wasn't happy about it, then it would change.

If I am really happy, my dh is happy. We trust and love one another. We have children together. We really make time for one another. When we went through a patch of bickering a while back, we went for counselling (which was brilliant) we treasure our relationship so much. Why why why do I need to go in relationshipa board and prepare myself for the worst. Why?

Preciousbane Mon 10-Feb-14 07:27:38

Everyone should know how to deal with finances, my stepfather dropped dead of a heart attack and my Mother was left with two young daughters still at home. The story is more complicated than that but I can remember having to sort out my Mother not being taken to court when I was about 15 because she had missed paying her poll tax, when it was poll tax and they were really tough on prison sentencing.

I'm not saying your as helpless as my Mother and she is better with money now but she had some kind of total breakdown after he died and he had always sorted out all finances.

bragmatic Mon 10-Feb-14 07:32:38

I don't know much about the detail of our finances. But we have a document that details all the account numbers etc for our savings and loan accounts, and I know internet banking passwords so I could easily access it if he fell under a bus. There's no need for the both of us to be all over it on a monthly basis. There is however a need for me to be able to access all pertinent information and know how to manage finances if need be. And I can.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 07:33:10

I know where everything is.

I have lived in my own or in shared flats for years in the past. And dealt with all ny own finances then. It is not brain science! As long as I know where all the doc is, which I do and everything organised meticulously, then if dh suddenly knocked over by a bus, fear not...I would know what electricity company to call, or what pension company, life assurance company etc to deal with!

Preciousbane Mon 10-Feb-14 08:14:49

Lifeis I'm glad, my Mum didn't have stuff set up and was in such shock obviously she just couldn't cope.

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 11:13:00

Life is women drop dead too and if your children's father doesn't know about his children's lives he will be just as disabled anything were to happen to you. I don't think it's acceptable for fathers not to know (for example) likes and dislikes, friends names, teacher's names, the whereabouts of their dc's classrooms, how to make a packed lunch or which night is brownies and which is swimming and the whereabouts of these things.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:27:32

I agree wish - all these posts about the men knowing all about the finances whilst the women know about the children and the household (whatever this means?!) just shocks me!!!

Could it be any more cliché of the 'olden days' ..... smile

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:38:55

that just does not strike me as a particularly efficient way of doing things. The work environment doesn't work like that, does it? People have a general knowledge of the department they work in, and then their own speciality. It would be grossly inefficient for people to have a thin knowledge of everything and utterly unrealistic to expect people to have a full and detailed knowledge of everything.

We do what works for us. And it works damn well.

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:47:54

What's not efficient ? Your dh knowing his dcs best friend's name ?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:50:47

no, a compete replication of knowledge. In your words, friends names, teachers name, which night is brownies, which is swimming.

But yes, if you want to twist your point so it is now distilled to 'best friend's name' (which you never said in your previous post) then yes... that would be a good and positive thing for dh to know.

The other stuff, not necessary if I am responsible for it all. Why do i need to know when next car service due? I am probably failing as a woman in not knowing this information in your eyes. Right?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:52:24

apparently wish... you do all the food planning, meal planning and cooking.

Why isn't you dh helping out for gawd's sake???!!!

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:56:04

I consider that stuff the basics.....seriously what would happen if you were taken ill or you just wanted to go away for a few days, or had to stay with a sick or bereaved relative, it makes sense for both partners to be interchangeable to some extent. I am not suggesting we are clones of each other, dh will never bake with them and there is no way I would undertake minor plumbing work around the house. But we both know our financial situation and how the dc's lives function.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:56:09

wish, i am actually floored.
You post previously about the fact that you do all food shopping, planning and cooking and even thinking about introducing a traffic light system so your dh knows what not to eat and what to leave for you to cook.

And then you come to this thread and berate me for not necessarily having a complete equal relationship with dh on all matters relating to the home. Shockingly hypocritical

Pagwatch Mon 10-Feb-14 12:57:07

I haven't worked for 18 years and I know exactly every detail of our finances.

It's absoloutely not the same as my dh not knowing which leotard dd wears for training and which for competition.
It's a finite quantity of information which anyone should be able to understand and absorb in a matter of hours. The ongoing details change a bit but again, rarely more than one needs half an hour to get up to date on.
It's fundamental competence like knowing where the stop cock is and the fuse box

When my dad died I watched my mother terrified and panicking, on top of her grief and sadness because she had no clue if she had anything to live on or of she would lose the house or how to change the standing orders or where the will was.
Just awful and avoidable.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:57:49

wish, you have undermined your point, and you know it. ANd now you are cherry picking your points.

I never said I know bugger all. I have access to everything and anything. All documentation, access codes etc. I just choose not to be up to date on the minuate, simply because my focus is more on the children and household.

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:58:33

But dh could do it, he knows where the supermarket is, he knows what they will eat.........he can cook. What is your point here ?

I don't know certain things. Like when the car tax is due for example. I do know where all the information is filed and that it will need to be done at some point though so if anything happened to dh, who does tend to sort out the cars, then I could take that job on easily. I do the accounts, dh knows where the files are saved on the computer and what they roughly contain as we do go through them occasionally so he could take over if needed. It's not about you both doing half of everything, it's about being aware and having a rough idea of what would need to be done if necessary.

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:02:35

Life that thread is historic....actually dh is taking a much greater role now in the preparation of food. But he knows how to fgs. Would your dh be able to cope in your absence ?

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:05:56

Ps the car tax is due the day after the date wriiten on the tax disc

I agree Pag. For things like leotards, just ask the child. Mine would change their mind so often I wouldn't keep up anyway. If it's who does what on what day then a simple calendar is useful for everyday life anyway.
I do agree think that both parents should make sure they try to get to parents evening just so they can keep up to date with what is going on at school and keeping a foot in the door so to speak.

I read these threads and find myself very happy with my lot.

Wish- they're about to stop paper discs for tax smile

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:12:07

Oh..I know mines due in June do I pass ?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:12:25


Add message | Report | Message poster Wishihadabs Tue 16-Apr-13 16:30:03
In his defence. He sorts out all utilities, car insurance and home maintenance. Yes feeding the family and the laundry are my areas of responsibility.


Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:13:20

you write that less than a year ago.

And then criticize me for doing EXACTLY the same.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:08

Ouch life it is really bloody bad form to actually post bits of other threads. hmm

And you have backtracked significantly from your earlier statement 'I know jack shit about our finances, zero interest'. To suddenly you know where everything is and are involved in the big decisions but choose not to get involved in the minor details.

So which is it?

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:54

Life is I still don't understand. Nowhere have I ever or would I ever say that he couldn't look after the dcs. Similarly I have access to the joint account where all this stuff comes out of. As I said we are not clones but could do each other's job if we had to, and we both know our dcs inside out. Are you comparing a child to a gas bill?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:22:06

But it is so relevant. You must concede that? I feel it is bad form the way Wish has belittled my way of doing things, whereas I do not say a wor on her way of doing .things. Whatever that is, depending on the thread she is on

I don't know about our bills or who we are with. I know our mortgage company an how much and payments a month. But that really is it.

However, if i wanted to, I could get up, stretch my legs, go over to the filing cabinet in the stir fry and go through DH's meticulous record keeping.

r I could go online, on to the joint account and see the direct debits.

So whilst I know bugger all about the minutia, I have access to every thing, should the wish so take me.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:23:35

Where have I said DH couldn't look after the children?? Where have I even hinted it?? I have said every day stuff is my responsibility. But when I was ill in hospital recently, DH picked it up and did it his way.

I am impressed you returned tbh I would have been a little red faced if I were you.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:24:16

stir fry?? study. Sorry.

bebbeau Mon 10-Feb-14 13:27:47

i SAHM now as am due dc3 in 8 weeks but was working PT up till recently

I get about 600 a month, this is mostly maintenance from my exH for my eldest DC, with CB and a bit in tax credits.

its all mine. DH earns good money so he pays all bills and he usually has a few hundred left over for things he wants to buy usually music equipment. yawn

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:29:39

Life, I am not having a go at you. I am pointing out that for the WOTH partner not to know about the dc's lives makes him every bit as vulnerable if anything happened to the SAHP as vice versa, just in a different way. You say you have all the pass words etc so this doesn't apply to you ( I also assume you have savings and a pension in your own name). I am merly suggesting it might be a good idea for your dp to know where his own dc are meant to be at any given time, so should the worst happen he could cope.

I am fine about the thread from last yeR, I got some great advice on it and dh has really stepped up since then. smile

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:31:53

So perhaps Life our way of running things is not so different......If your dh looked after your dc single handed he clearly does know most of those things I listed.

shewhowines Mon 10-Feb-14 13:41:01

I know very little too, about our finances. But I lived on my own for many years, paid my own bills etc. I could manage them easily enough if it was necessary.
I know how much our mortgage is and how much is left. I know roughly how much we have in savings. I do not know who they are with. I do not know which utility companies we currently use. DH changes them all regularly and I haven't bothered to keep up, however I could go to our files or computer and find out instantly. I know where everything is. I'm happy with that.

I remember an ex boyfriend remarking negatively that I would never iron a mans shirts. I was very much an independent woman until I married at 30. If only he knew... DH and I have evolved, over the years, to very traditional roles. No pressure or abuse. Just an easy sliding, into something that suits us. He likes to keep a handle on finances, I'm not that interested. I like to pick decorating schemes and like to be in charge of most household/child decisions. He's not bothered. It's evolved so we are both more concerned with what's important to each of us.

And yes, I do iron his shirts grin

shewhowines Mon 10-Feb-14 13:42:20

Oh and most of the savings/ investments are in my name as DH wants what is most tax efficient.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:46:22

thanks for clarifying wish

LaQueenOfHearts Mon 10-Feb-14 13:52:38

DH tends to handle all our house finances, because he has spreadsheets and likes all that stuff - plus quite a bit of our domestic finances are shared with his business - phone bills etc.

But...that's not to say I don't know exactly what everything costs, and who we're insured with, and who the mortgage provider is etc, etc.

I might like to browse the Bobbi Brown counter a leetle too much...but, I aint no ditsy airhead. No, sir wink

Wishihadabs Mon 10-Feb-14 14:01:06

LeQueen you have your own business -no ?

LaQueenOfHearts Mon 10-Feb-14 20:27:06

wish I used to, about 4 years ago but I wound it up, just not making enough profit thanks to the recession sad

supadupapupascupa Mon 10-Feb-14 20:35:37

Everything goes in the pot. I do a month by month cashflow projected forwards 12 months. It amazing how much variance there is between months. All big purchases are put on there. Joint decisions made on what the rest gets spent on. For example if one of us needs new clothes we will put that in there in a month we can afford it. Neither of us would deviate too much from this without talking to the other about it. This way christmas is always paid for by september before - if we didn't forecast it we would think it was money spare and spend it.

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