To be really touched that DStD sent me an FB message saying I had neglected her 30th birthday?

(131 Posts)
MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:22:24

I am amazed by this event! I was her StM from age 9 to 18 and loved her totally! She messaged me informing I was lacking on the 30th birthday front! I told her I love her and she is further ahead at 30 than I was! She is my eldest DDs older sister so has that place as well as the one she h

PedlarsSpanner Fri 31-Jan-14 21:25:28


pressed send too soon?

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:26:05

Has in my heart! She knows I love her and am here for her!

I don't understand, have you not seen her since she was 18?

SirChenjin Fri 31-Jan-14 21:28:23

30th birthday?? What, is that a very special birthday to some people then? confused

birdsnotbees Fri 31-Jan-14 21:29:34

Eh? You mean you forgot her 30th? Ouch.

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:30:25

I have seen her and her DP and her DC but her DM had passed away!

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:32:46

Not a chance, I was waiting till quieter moments!

SnowAway Fri 31-Jan-14 21:32:58

I don't know that you should be touched so much as mortified tbh?!

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:34:31

blue, that would never happen.

AnnabelleLee Fri 31-Jan-14 21:35:47

30? Isn't it time she grew up a bit?

themessyapron Fri 31-Jan-14 21:36:00

Touched? Do you mean embarrassed?

birdsnotbees Fri 31-Jan-14 21:36:23

So you mean you thought about her birthday but didn't actually do anything about it... which to me would seem awfully like you forgot it.

PedlarsSpanner Fri 31-Jan-14 21:38:39

I would be upset if someone who professed to love me so much neglected to mark a landmark birthday. I don't think it's a childish thing for her to be upset.

Unless there was a gift/card sent by OP and the message from the DSD is dissing the value/thought involved?

Patchouli Fri 31-Jan-14 21:39:12

When was her birthday and what had you planned?

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:39:59

AnnabelleLee, no not at all, she is looking for love from the parents she had left!

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Fri 31-Jan-14 21:40:13

You are touched that she messaged you to say you neglected her birthday?

I don't get it confused

Are you touched that she thought of you and missed you, is that what you mean?

CinnabarRed Fri 31-Jan-14 21:40:33

I really don't understand...

birdsnotbees Fri 31-Jan-14 21:40:54

Ach, you're making no sense whatsoever. And using too many exclamation marks. I'm off.

SuperScrimper Fri 31-Jan-14 21:41:18

I have read this about 10 times and he still doesn't make sense!

Hassled Fri 31-Jan-14 21:41:18

I don't really understand - I get that you're touched that she cares that you forgot, but why did you forget?

AwfulMaureen Fri 31-Jan-14 21:41:19

Why are you touched?

PedlarsSpanner Fri 31-Jan-14 21:41:43

MammaTJ we are really having trouble understanding what the problem is confused

themessyapron Fri 31-Jan-14 21:41:45

Are you drunk? You're making no sense

I think Mamma means that her DSD has got in touch to say her 30th is missing MTJ there!

I think that's lovely. Being a SM is hard and it's nice she remembers you and your role 12 years on

I think Mamma means that her DSD has got in touch to say her 30th is missing MTJ there!

I think that's lovely. Being a SM is hard and it's nice she remembers you and your role 12 years on

SnowAway Fri 31-Jan-14 21:43:12

Yes MammaTJ she probably is - so why didn't you phone her up and wish her happy birthday, and have a card and present waiting for her to unwrap today?

I'm amazed she isn't posting 'Am I being unreasonable to expect my ex stepmother to remember my birthday? - I turned 30 today and she's the last parent I have left and she didn't even send me a card or present or call to wish me happy birthday, and when I finally FB messaged her she just got all misty eyed and said that I have her heart - I don't want her damn heart I want a present!'

wooldonor Fri 31-Jan-14 21:43:23

Do you mean touched in the generally accepted meaning or do you use it it a different way, I don't understand what you're trying to say, sorry

Pigsmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 21:43:39

I am sorry but I think that you are yabvu. Poor girl.

spookyskeleton Fri 31-Jan-14 21:43:45

This has to be one of the most bizarre threads for a while. Makes no sense whatsoever confused confused

MammaTJ Fri 31-Jan-14 21:43:55

Ok, so all overtures till now have been rejected! She knows where she is with me though! Today has been a major step forward for me, the wsm who had always been there!

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 31-Jan-14 21:44:26

I don't understand this at all. Are you drunk?

RubyRR Fri 31-Jan-14 21:44:34

Do you mean you weren't there and you missed?

RubyRR Fri 31-Jan-14 21:45:02

Were missed

Pigsmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 21:45:04

I was a step daughter and if my step parent couldn't be arsed to get in touch somehow I would be pissed off.

AnnabelleLee Fri 31-Jan-14 21:46:05

who complains about such things at that age? You aren't making much sense at all.

<wonders whether I'm drunk and that's why it makes sense>

Lj8893 Fri 31-Jan-14 21:46:44

This makes no sense. Either I'm really drunk or you are??

PedlarsSpanner Fri 31-Jan-14 21:46:44

Nope, still can't quite grasp the point

MammaTJ here, have these flowers

Kubrickian Fri 31-Jan-14 21:47:34

I'm guessing DSD stands for Darling Step-Daughter.

But what does the t in DStD stand for??


SnowAway Fri 31-Jan-14 21:51:16

OK MammaTJ please answer the following questions for clarification. grin

1) Have you had a relationship with your DSD since you parted ways with her father?
2) Have you seen her in that time?
3) Why did you not send her something for her birthday?
4) Why are you happy that she's annoyed with you?

OpalQuartz Fri 31-Jan-14 21:51:32

I don't think Mamma means that her DSD has got in touch to say her 30th is missing MTJ there because the title is "To be really touched that DStD sent me an FB message saying I had neglected her 30th birthday?" I assumed the bit about being really touched was sarcastic, as no one would really be touched about a FB message saying they had neglected a 30th birthday?

Casmama Fri 31-Jan-14 21:54:43

For fucks sake- either give enough detail for us to understand what you are talking about or don't bother with the thread.

NickNacks Fri 31-Jan-14 21:55:04

As fun as this is, trying to guess what your on about, could you spell it all out very s l o w l y for us.

perplexedpirate Fri 31-Jan-14 21:56:49

I would be gutted if the only person I thought of as a parent forgot (or ignored) my 30th birthday. Equally my 36th, my 28th, my 45th: whatever.
A card is a couple of quid. Do it on funky pigeon or something and you don't even have to leave the house!
I feel very sad for the DSD.

I'm reading it that the DSD had chosen to not be contact with the OP for a long time and that the OP is pleased that her DSD had finally reached out, even if it was complaining about missing her 30th.
But I might be CV completely wrong.

sparklyskyy Fri 31-Jan-14 21:59:24

Seriously. What the hell does your op mean?? Please explain very very clearly, step by step, what you actually mean.

Or don't bother. I don't really care.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Fri 31-Jan-14 21:59:52

Bloody hell some people are taking this too seriously.

Step away from the computer and pour yourselves a biiiiig glass of wine.

I think that's what MammaTJ has done grin

I keep coming back to this thread to see if it makes more doesn't!

mumbaisapphirebluespruce Fri 31-Jan-14 22:00:39

I don't understand what you mean by the following...."she is my eldest DDs older sister" I thought she was your step daughter? That makes no sense whatsoever.

I think the op is touched that she cares

Step sister...

Yes mrsc I agree

mummywithsmiles Fri 31-Jan-14 22:02:55

My brain hurts.

I read it as op is touched because she missed DSD bday and DSD cared enough about op to be upset about it.
Which makes you unreasonable , as although you might have had an ego boost someone may be generally uoset .

GiniCooper Fri 31-Jan-14 22:03:05

Have you been on the gin/wine/vodka/all of the previous tonight?

Casmama Fri 31-Jan-14 22:03:15

I would if I could moomin but pregnant so I can't- reckon you're right about mammaTJ though grin

NoLikeyNoLighty Fri 31-Jan-14 22:05:02

confused I'm lost.

Salmotrutta Fri 31-Jan-14 22:05:13

Possibly she is looking around at the loot from her "significant" birthday and thinking it doesn't quite cut the mustard quantity-wise.

So she thinks "I know, I'll message MammaTJ and lay a guilt trip".

Sorry - I'm an old and cynical person. sad

maybefaraway Fri 31-Jan-14 22:06:17

I agree with MrsCakes, that is the sense I get. That Mamma felt she was unwanted as SM, so was going to get in touch post b'day.

Then when she got a ticking off for not making contact on b'day, she asked AIBU to be happy for being told off, i.e. maybe my SD finally wants my attention.

I'll move on now.

WeAreSix Fri 31-Jan-14 22:06:55

MammaTJ I've had some luffly, sensible chats on threads with you.

This one? Not so much of the sense smile

Have more wine

jacks365 Fri 31-Jan-14 22:06:56

I'm reading it the same way as mrscakes that after a long gap the step daughter has finally got in touch and is no longer rejecting mammatj.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Fri 31-Jan-14 22:07:29

casmama I know the feeling grin I think wine/vodka/gin/absinthe/ ethanol is what's needed in order to understand this thread... but all the exclamation marks make me feel happy, and I'm lying in bed being kicked to high hell so I'm not going to complain wink grin

NadiaWadia Fri 31-Jan-14 22:07:32

mumba but that bit does actually make sense "my eldest DD's oldest sister" presumably they share a father, so half-sisters?

It's just the rest I can't make head or tail of!

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Fri 31-Jan-14 22:08:35

mumba you actually pointed out the one bit that DOES make sense to me grin

Fairy1303 Fri 31-Jan-14 22:09:43

I have read it and re-read it.

I've put my step mum hat on.

I don't get it.

Incidentally snow - I'm not sure I like the term 'ex' step mother. (disclaimer: very very sensitive since splitting up from DH and own DSD)

mrsjay Fri 31-Jan-14 22:12:21

"my eldest DD's oldest sister" presumably they share a father, so half-sisters?

well sisters are sisters really , anyway mamm i have no clue lovey what you are on about it seems lovely that you love this woman but did you forget her birthday and she is hurt ?

mrsjay Fri 31-Jan-14 22:12:51

mammatj i meant

Kubrickian Fri 31-Jan-14 22:13:11

is no one going to say what the 't' stands for?!?!

Obviously the only confusing part of this thread ... grin

mrsjay Fri 31-Jan-14 22:14:56

Twin <can feel the straws slipping>

Poppylovescheese Fri 31-Jan-14 22:15:41

Totally confused?? Head hurts and had too much wine.

mrsjay Fri 31-Jan-14 22:16:36

maybe all will become clear in the morning confused

jacks365 Fri 31-Jan-14 22:16:51

I'm assuming St is together standing for step.

OpalQuartz Fri 31-Jan-14 22:17:50

Ahh yes MrsCakesPremonition. Your explanation does make sense.

Salmotrutta Fri 31-Jan-14 22:42:45

I really do think the DStD is simply looking for a present.

Why on earth would she ignore Mamma for ages, only to then get in touch to point out that her birthday had been missed hmm

MammaTJ Sat 01-Feb-14 05:18:22

For clarification, I did not and have not ever forgotten her birthday! I had no signal on my phone for most of the day! I was on placement, so effectively at work, then travelling on public transport for 30 miles, then spending time with my 7 and 8 year olds, who I had not seen since Monday! We then went to their karate lesson, then out for dinner.

I feel my (ex ) DStD has often taken me for granted, she is secure in the knowledge I love her to bits!

I was amazed and touched that she noticed I had not yet wished her a happy birthday!

She was not expecting a present or being grabby in hinting for one!

DrNick Sat 01-Feb-14 05:33:06

Op. You're still nuts

Hissy Sat 01-Feb-14 08:13:12

So you didn't even bother to text her while on the public transport.

Yabu to feel 'touched' you've just shot yourself in the foot as far as she's concerned. She was looking for an excuse to make you out as the SM from hell and you giftwrapped one.

Silvercatowner Sat 01-Feb-14 08:19:52

If I'd missed an important birthday and it was publicly pointed out to me I'd be ashamed and upset, not amazed and touched. What an odd response.

SirChenjin Sat 01-Feb-14 08:23:40

Why didn't you text her when you were spending time with your 7 and 8 year olds, or when you were at dinner? A text only takes what, a couple of minutes at most. Did I miss something - did you not acknowledge her birthday at all? confused

I thought, when I posted earlier, that she was complaining that your present wasn't good enough - but it seems as if didn't even acknowledge her birthday. Wow - that's bad sad

Tbh I think you're rotten. If she lived with you for a period of course she noticed that you couldn't be arsed to wish her happy bday.

She's normal. You op are not.

Jemma1111 Sat 01-Feb-14 08:29:13

Op , you sound like you're 'away with the fairie's'

MushroomSoup Sat 01-Feb-14 08:29:47


Bunbaker Sat 01-Feb-14 08:30:14

This is one of the oddest threads I have seen in ages.

Euphemia Sat 01-Feb-14 08:42:26

Completely hatstand.

And every exclamation mark is like a tiny dagger in my eyeballs.

MrsClauswearsspanx Sat 01-Feb-14 08:44:52

So basically you were busy, forgot the birthday, feel guilty, and started this thread to justify yourself/feel better for forgetting?

Maybe you should explain yourself to her, not us?

Otherwise I'm completely missing the point of this thread.

WaitMonkey Sat 01-Feb-14 08:48:33


kali110 Sat 01-Feb-14 08:56:12

Im still confused

PollyPutTheKettle Sat 01-Feb-14 08:59:14

Stop with the !!!!!!!!!!

Its annoying and that alone means YABU.

I still don't get it.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 01-Feb-14 09:03:57

I don't think there is any need to be so harsh on the op.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 01-Feb-14 09:05:39

MammaTJ, some people attach importance on "milestone" birthdays. Do you usually send her a birthday card? I guess it depends on what you have always done and whether this is any different. It does kinda sound like you forgot or couldn't make an effort, and she is hurt and feeling unimportant.
Hope you mend things between you.

MammaTJ Sat 01-Feb-14 10:11:30

No, I don't normally send her a card.

I don't feel guilty that I hadn't messaged her!

There was still some of the day left to do so. I intended to do so once the little ones had settled, a long process after I have been away for a few days.

I did not think I mattered to her any more,my amazement is more due to the fact that I clearly do!

There is nothing to mend, I phoned her and told her I was going to message her a bit later and that I am proud if her. She is a great mum, has returned recently to education, after being a PITA teen who we could not keep in school no matter how hard we tried!

We are looking forward to seeing each other at my DDs wedding in June!

mrsjay Sat 01-Feb-14 10:16:06

I just dont get why you were touched that her feelings were hurt thats all, she was an important part of her life and she thought you would remember even a text to say happy birthday hope you have a nice day, you hurt her feelings be a humble not touched that she still regards you as a major part of her life,

mrsjay Sat 01-Feb-14 10:16:28

you were an important part of her life*

Bowlersarm Sat 01-Feb-14 10:20:43

Well, that's all as clear as mud.

Happy Saturday OP.

lottieandmia Sat 01-Feb-14 10:20:50

If everything is ok now, why did you start the thread?

lottieandmia Sat 01-Feb-14 10:21:58

I'm just wondering whether English is not the OPs first language and she means a different adjective than 'touched'?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA Sat 01-Feb-14 10:24:29

Why did you put this in AIBU?! Just thrown yourself to the wolves there Mamma grin

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 01-Feb-14 10:27:06

I've seen MammaTJ around a lot on these boards and she's always made perfect sense. confused

MrsClauswearsspanx Sat 01-Feb-14 10:30:40

Ok great!


TeaAndSconesTwice Sat 01-Feb-14 10:33:52

I'm confused after reading through this thread.

MrsClauswearsspanx Sat 01-Feb-14 10:42:23

I think we're just supposed to be happy for the OP.

Her DSD cares whether or not the OP remembers her birthday.

The OP is happy DSD cares.

OP did not forget the birthday, she just planned to message her later.

There is nothing here to comment on, give advice on, or decide whether OP is BU or NBU.

She's just letting us know.

her later.

MrsClauswearsspanx Sat 01-Feb-14 10:43:50

Ignore the random "her later" although it kinda fits in with all the surrealness...

SirChenjin Sat 01-Feb-14 11:21:46

I'm really, really not getting this thread...confused

phantomnamechanger Sat 01-Feb-14 12:55:57

OK, here's my guess at decoding all the above - OP was touched that the DSD got in touch on her birthday noting that it was unusual for her NOT to have heard from the OP, so she was concerned about the OP as this was out of character? And Op is pleased that she does after all mean a lot to the DSD? so the DSD message was not "what the heck are you playing at, you forgot my birthday you stingy cah, stomp sulk" but "are you OK? its my birthday and I hoped to hear from you today"

or something?

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 01-Feb-14 12:57:41

Surely OP just means she was glad her DSD noticed after they have had a challenging relationship.

UncleT Sat 01-Feb-14 13:28:27

What an unbelievable load of twaddle! This thread is a pile of steaming elephant dung, but well done for attracting over 100 replies.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 01-Feb-14 13:31:40

How rude

Olivegirl Sat 01-Feb-14 13:49:45


Salmotrutta Sat 01-Feb-14 13:58:56


Do you find people avoid you UncleT?


ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 01-Feb-14 14:02:08

OP cares that DSD missed her, I think. Bit strange though to post about it and for OP to be so dramatic about this girl "having her heart" and "knowing where she is with her."

ssd Sat 01-Feb-14 14:04:36





Floralnomad Sat 01-Feb-14 14:10:36

If you love her so much why do you not bother to send her a birthday card ? It makes no sense at all .

ummingandahhing Sat 01-Feb-14 14:15:10

MNetters stop it. This thread is making me laugh like a mad thing on the Tube. grin

lougle Sat 01-Feb-14 14:16:08

I'm glad that your DSD reassured you on her birthday that she loved you, OP.

That, after all, is the reason we have birthdays, so that when people forget, we can remind them that we love them.

If your DSD phoning you to remind you of her birthday is seen as 'progress' by you, then I'm sorry that this is the extent of your relationship.

theeternalstudent Sat 01-Feb-14 14:28:35

I understand you MammaTJ. You were planning to wish your DsD a happy birthday but just hadn't got round to it yet, you hadn't missed her birthday. The message from DsD was to say she was missing having you around to celebrate with her. You were touched as over the years she has rejected you. The message showed that you were important to her.

Not so difficult to understand. thanks for you and cake for your dsd!

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 01-Feb-14 14:32:50

I agree. I get ya

PipkinsPal Sat 01-Feb-14 14:34:19

Did she mean that you just didn't post Happy Birthday on her Facebook page even though you had sent her a card?

MammaTJ Sat 01-Feb-14 14:38:36

theeternalstudent has summed it up better than I could!

MrsClauswearsspanx Sat 01-Feb-14 14:40:16

Saying she's "touched" that her DSD felt "neglected" is rather strange wording.

WelshMoth Sat 01-Feb-14 14:41:47

Not sure what you're getting at OP.


thornrose Sat 01-Feb-14 14:44:57

I get it, when the word "neglected" isn't taken too literally.

hippity Sat 01-Feb-14 15:19:27

I think anyone who has looked after a challenging teenager who is not their own child looks forward to the day when they actively contact you to let you know they want you in their life when it has always seemed like you would have to wait for your rewards in heaven grin. Well done Mamma TJ!

Bunbaker Sat 01-Feb-14 16:57:02

"theeternalstudent has summed it up better than I could!"

Clearly she has because that certainly wasn't the impression I got from your posts.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 02-Feb-14 11:56:55

I think we all understood what the OP meant hmm. It just seems ridiculous to be happy someone felt neglected.

MusicalEndorphins Sun 02-Feb-14 18:04:54

That eternal student stuff paid off. ;)

HyvaPaiva Sun 02-Feb-14 18:10:30

I never bother with my stepdaughter.
She never notices that I never bother.
This year she noticed that I never bothered!

^ That's what I made of it. Is that right? Jesus. hmm

MammaTJ Sun 02-Feb-14 20:20:43

No! I have always bothered but felt as though it wasn't appreciated! I was a little later bothering this year, due to being busy with young DC. I was surprised and touched that she noticed! I feel encouraged to continue with me efforts ( which include all cakes for youngest child's christening) !

She is not hurt or upset by this, I rang her and we had a good long chat!i explained why I had not messaged her before, and unlike some of you , she understood

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 02-Feb-14 20:56:25

So you don't understand her post.
Still, is there any reason for being so nasty? MamaTJ is one of our nicest posters, and I've never seen her be so rude to other people.

Gruntfuttock Sun 02-Feb-14 20:58:41

I still don't understand why you wouldn't even have sent her a card. That's very quick and easy and would have been a nice thing to do for the stepdaughter about whom you care so much.

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