AIBU to think that it is never ok for a man to hit a woman?

(54 Posts)
Giggity Fri 31-Jan-14 20:24:39

I was talking to my boyfriend and he said that sometimes a man could hit a woman but I kept on telling him that is is totally unacceptable. Do you think there are some situations where a man can hit a woman?

Hulababy Fri 31-Jan-14 20:26:36

Well, I don't think anyone should hit another person at all, so no - not really.

I guess self defence may be the only mitigating reasons, for anyone really.

Giggity Fri 31-Jan-14 20:26:53

He didn't mean it like "she was asking for it I had to hit 'er" but if the woman hits the man first.

MothratheMighty Fri 31-Jan-14 20:28:30

What situations did he suggest it would be acceptable in?
Heimlich manoeuvre? Shoving you out of the path of an enraged rhinoceros?

Well not in violence, no. But DH banged me on the back when I was choking once and that was quite reasonable.

WaffilyVersatile Fri 31-Jan-14 20:28:43

so err what on earth was his justification for that corker!?

AuntieStella Fri 31-Jan-14 20:29:19

Everyone is entitled to self defence.

But that's as far as it goes.

And ideally that is minimal force to neutralise the threat. Not carte blanche to hit back.

MothratheMighty Fri 31-Jan-14 20:30:28

If you are being attacked, you have the right to use reasonable force to defend yourself. There is a lot of information around as to what that constitutes, and the limits. Plus if it comes to court, the jury will decide too.

RandyRudolf Fri 31-Jan-14 20:30:34

I think in the heat of the moment it would be tempting to hit someone back but it's not really the right thing is it. Backing off gives a better chance of diffusing the situation, leave the scene if necessary and go back later to discuss when people have had chance to cool off. Easier said than done for some though.

SaucyJack Fri 31-Jan-14 20:30:49

Well, I agree with him then.

Having a vagina doesn't entitled one to smack anybody you like without reprisal.

BarbarianMum Fri 31-Jan-14 20:30:55

In self defense. To protect another person. With provisos for the use of reasonable force.

I think the same applies to everyone, actually.

amyshellfish Fri 31-Jan-14 20:31:01

Its not acceptable for a woman to hit a man either except maybe in self defence either and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid twat. Regardless of relative sizes and whatever else bull shit that comes out on these threads to justify women hitting men. People shouldn't be hitting other people.

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 31-Jan-14 20:31:15

Self defence or the defence of others? Do you think soldiers never fight against women in war? And most people think they are heroes, so clearly it is sometimes socially acceptable. It is IMO generally less acceptable to hit or perpetrate unwanted physical contact of any kind against someone who is smaller or weaker than you, and it's very cowardly to do so unless just restraining them (e.g. parent restraining a toddler). I don't think it's so much to do with gender (except in domestic violence which is usually gendered, despite MRAs trying to pretend otherwise) as with physical strength and size.

LEMmingaround Fri 31-Jan-14 20:31:47

My dp punched me in the mouth once - to be fair, he was asleep shock

MothratheMighty Fri 31-Jan-14 20:32:31

Interesting first post Giggity, what do you think the answer should be?

BarbarianMum Fri 31-Jan-14 20:37:19

I may be much smaller than my dh but if I punched him in the face, it would really hurt him. It is not OK to do that just because he is a big bloke and I'm a woman. If I did I would not feel he had to 'gently restrain me like a toddler' because I'm not a toddler, I'd be an adult assaulting him.

Apart from a really limited set of circumstances, it is not OK to use violence against another person. Gender doesn't come into it.

matildamatilda Fri 31-Jan-14 20:49:26

Self-defence rarely involves actually hitting someone. I.e., someone hits me and then I hit them back, how does that make me safer?

True self-defence involves walking way or maybe physically blocking a blow, maybe sometimes restraining someone's hand if they're about to land a blow.

So the "I had to hit that person because he/she hit me first" line is usually bullshit.

Anyway, I wish most people were as upfront about their misogyny as your boyfriend seems to be. Sarcastic slow clap.

Honestly my first reaction to your OP was "Massive red flag. Leave."

Now I've seen he meant if he'd been hit first, hmm, OK, less immediate red flag (and better than ridiculous double standards ie it's fine for a man to hit a man but never for a man to hit a woman, poor delicate frail things) BUT surely the actual argument is it's never OK to hit anyone?

I mean, it kind of depends how it was phrased/came up really.

If his attitude is "I'd react the same to anybody threatening me regardless of gender" then fair enough.

If it was "But it is OK for men to hit women sometimes" and formulating the argument to justify that then no.

Also "I would hit someone" in general is a bit douchey, IMO. There are far better ways to deal with 99.9999% of situations.

RedPencils Fri 31-Jan-14 20:55:26

I tell my sons that if someone hits them they walk away. It's not ok to hit anyone.
Hopefully I won't have to tell them this when they grown up.

candycoatedwaterdrops Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:43

YABU. It's never ok to hit another person.

StandingInLine Fri 31-Jan-14 21:10:23

After id had my first I suffered post natal and had violent episodes towards partner. He took most of it but the third (and last) time he slapped me back and pinned me against the wall until id calmed down. I fully understood that it was in self defense and tbh if I could dish it out like I did then I should've been prepared to also be on the receiving end.

My partner is the most sensitive soul you'd meet and would never hurt anyone. During the times I've thrown insults at him he's never retaliated. Him hitting me was more to stun me and calm me ,which it did.

It does annoy me when people say that under no circumstances should you ever hit a woman. And no you shouldn't. However ,when you've got a woman acting like a man and laying into you then I think she should ,like me ,expect to get something back.

It's not even to do with whether a woman is "acting like a man" - it's not manly to lay into someone.

If there are any, vanishingly rare situations where it's OK to hit someone (and perhaps, yes, slapping someone in order to snap them out of an extreme situation may be one) then it shouldn't matter if they are male or female.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jan-14 21:32:30

welcome to MN,

MostWicked Fri 31-Jan-14 21:36:20

Gender is irrelevant. No-one should hit anyone else (unless there is a medical, health or safety reason why they should)

qazxc Fri 31-Jan-14 21:42:29

It is not ok to hit anyone, regardless of sex.

following Fri 31-Jan-14 21:45:24

i agree with him , if any one hit me they would get hit back ,man or woman , sod the walking away rubbish , thats just letting some one walk all over you .

scantilymad Fri 31-Jan-14 21:53:53

Ideally no one would hit anyone. But coming from a history of an extremely abusive relationship I think any man who resorts to violence against anyone, man or woman, is a complete was of oxygen. Unless the other party (whether a woman or not) was putting the man's life at risk and he had to be forceful to get away, then he should not retaliate. Violence against anyone literally sickens me. It's not "beif walked on" not to retaliate. It usually prevents escalation if anything.
I vehemently disagree with your partner.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 21:56:33

How do people know when someone's new or MN or when they've just name changed?

Genuine question btw. Is there a way to tell?

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 21:56:46


AnyFucker Fri 31-Jan-14 21:59:36

call it intuition

scantilymad Fri 31-Jan-14 22:01:25

Check profile? Does it show joining dates etc?

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 31-Jan-14 22:02:49

Are we talking self defence?

Because, yes he is right, everyone has the right to defend themselves against a physical attack.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 22:03:06

Oh right, it's just I'm reading it a lot lately and I thought you all knew something I didn't grin

MamaPain Fri 31-Jan-14 22:05:13

If I hit anyone man or woman I would deem it an acceptable response for that person to hit me back.

Fanny is not a free pass.

Many women are bigger than many men, you can't say a chromosome makes one situation fair and just but the other is wrong.

Other example, if a woman was attacking my child, and DH was the only person around I would feel him totally within his rights to intervene and use violence if necessary.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jan-14 22:05:39

Trust the feeling in your water wink

LeBearPolar Fri 31-Jan-14 22:08:00

The phrasing of the title really irritates me. I hate the way it implies that it's OK for a woman to hit a man somehow. It's not OK for anyone to hit anyone, OP - does that clear it up for you?

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Fri 31-Jan-14 22:13:37

No-one should hit anyone.

We - my brother and sister and I - were taught as children that if we hit someone, regardless of gender, we should expect to be hit back. Being a woman doesn't give us free reign to think we can hit people without repercussions.

In an ideal world, no-one would hit, and then no-one would feel the need to retaliate. Gender has no bearing on this at all. Physical strength shouldn't matter a jot; if you're willing to start on someone, you should be willing to accept the consequences, even if the person you started on is twice your size.

As most other people have said, there's never a good enough excuse for anyone to hit anyone regardless of gender or provocation. I'd take an equally dim view of a woman hitting a man as a man hitting a woman.

brokenhearted55a Fri 31-Jan-14 23:21:40

It's not ok for anyone to hit anyone else.

having said that if I was being hit all bets are off. I would probably fight back. I hope I never have to find out.

Moomin am trying to get DS to realise at the moment that even if he's just pretending to hit another person he's likely to get hurt in return. Few incidents at kindergarten recently!

I do think it's massively hypocritical when people say that a man should never hit a woman but then don't blink an eye at the concept of a man hitting a man.

Littleen Fri 31-Jan-14 23:47:04

if a woman hits a man he can a) run away or b) restrain her so she can't hit him again. never hit her back. The only times a man can hit a woman is if training boxing/martial arts etc, then obviously it's to be expected. It's not acceptable for anyone to hit anyone though, but a man (who is often larger and/or stronger than a woman) should be better than that. Pick on someone his own size if he must smile

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Fri 31-Jan-14 23:51:52

Littleen - why is it less 'acceptable' for a man to hit a woman? Why should he be better than that, but a woman can be excused?

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 31-Jan-14 23:52:57


Attitudes like yours allow domestic abuse to continue.

It might be more common for women to be the victim of DV but men often are too.

rabbitlady Sat 01-Feb-14 00:25:55

your ex-boyfriend? if not, why not?


my old dad sits at my dying (slowly, she's taking years about it and she doesn't have any worrying diseases) mother's bedside, holding her hand and telling her he loves her. she kisses and gnaws on his fingers because 'my mouth likes your hands'.

but i remember the black eyes, the thumps, the fear of the angry man. being sent to make peace by taking in food to him.

i don't have any answers. i told her to leave him. but if she had, she wouldn't have had his support now.

FlockOfTwats Sat 01-Feb-14 00:45:14

I don't think hitting should ever be acceptable, But i think there are circumstances where it is more understandable, regardless of gender.

I have been hit by two men, One i thoroughly deserved. I hit him first. He reacted in equal measure. I don't think the fact that i am a woman makes that any better or worse.

Another man hit me, on the knee, with a bockan (Sp, its a big wooden sword shaped object). Because i told him to shut his mouth making some horrible jokes about my friend having cancer.

I do not think the first mans actions are anything like the second mans.

FlockOfTwats Sat 01-Feb-14 00:50:31

My dp punched me in the mouth once - to be fair, he was asleep

I'm always injuring my family members in my sleep. I have punched DP in my sleep, And DD usually gets in the way of my sleeping activities! I rolled over once and dug my elbow into her hip, I went to sit up half asleep and lent on her hair and took some of it out - Woken up fully by the screams.

One night she woke me up, pitch fucking black, stood over me, talking in some sort of darth vadar imitation voice. Well. I nearly shat the bed. I jumped up, arms flailing and screaming and managed to clock her one round the chops.

People really should avoid me when i'm asleep. I am a danger! I felt awful.

RonaldMcDonald Sat 01-Feb-14 00:52:46

Self defence is completely valid

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 01-Feb-14 00:58:08

What a stupid post!

ChippingInWadesIn Sat 01-Feb-14 01:06:04

First post on MN - a goading load of nonsense - posts then leaves...

Why bother answering people, it's just another wind up.

FraidyCat Sat 01-Feb-14 01:14:03

Self-defence rarely involves actually hitting someone. I.e., someone hits me and then I hit them back, how does that make me safer?

It makes you safer if your blow kills them, or stuns them, or puts them in so much pain that they literally cannot talk let alone move. (I was returning to a hostel at boarding school after lunch when a 17-year irritated by my 14-year-old self being in his way going through the front door gave me a slight punch in the kidneys. It was minutes before I recovered enough to be able to make a sound. Had he been a serious attacker I would have been unable to run away let alone hit back had he chosen to do more during those few minutes. After that first blow I would have been helpless for long enough for someone to kill me with their bare hands, even someone who would have been no threat had I seen them coming.)

I did Karate as a child, from a self-defense point of view the main benefit was that it gave me confidence which resulted in people not attacking me. (I realise as I write that the anecdote in the previous paragraph contradicts this. Karate doesn't protect you at boarding school if the school ethos is that older boys are allowed to hit younger boys at will and you are not allowed to say anything to anyone about it.)

I never regretted choosing Karate, but even as a 12-year old it dawned on me that a disadvantage of Karate (compared to a wrestling sport like Judo) is that there are no low-key techniques suited to a playground situation. The whole point of everything you learn is to disable an opponent with a single blow, or at most a combination of two or three.

I suppose striking someone in the face or stomach would be relatively low-key, compared to striking at the throat or groin.

Having said that, the only time I actually used Karate in a school bullying situation, I did find a low-key way to use it. I was 16, a new boy of the same age, about six inches taller than me, was pretending to start a "friendly" boxing match with me, despite me repeatedly making clear I wasn't interested. As he advanced towards me I slapped him on the side of the face with a roundhouse kick off my leading foot. His face went white, he was literally so shocked by a foot appearing out of nowhere that he just walked away muttering something about kicking not being cricket... (Can you tell that this is a fond memory?)

(I mean literally just a slap - my style of Karate had very strict rules on non-contact during training so its normal for anyone who isn't a beginner to be able to focus a punch/kick to within an inch or two of an opponent without actually touching them. A couple of inches further is a slap, another couple of inches would hopefully be serious damage.)

MusicalEndorphins Sat 01-Feb-14 02:47:05

So Giggity, have your feelings towards your boyfriend changed since he showed you what he is made of?
And if the truth behind this post is that he has hit you, and is trying to justify it, please don't think it is "sometimes ok", it is NOT ok.

BillyBanter Sat 01-Feb-14 02:55:08

No one should hit anyone except in self defence or the defence of others. A man has as much right to defend himself against a woman as vice versa.

scantilymad Sat 01-Feb-14 05:59:44

Oh it's a goady thread? I did wonder that but didn't want to be told I was troll hunting. Bit pathetic, especially as DV is something a lot of people have lived or are living through.

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