AIBU to be a little upset that my mum doesn't know when my birthday is?

(53 Posts)
wonkylegs Fri 31-Jan-14 18:29:46

I'm the eldest of her kids and she admits she has no idea when my birthday is despite knowing when my brothers is, his girlfriends is and even his girlfriends mothers....
She doesn't seem to know (or care) when my DSs (her only grandchild) or DHs is either even if I remind her regularly up to the events.
She's never been great at the 'mum stuff' and I know I should have got used to it by now but it still makes me sad when another birthday rolls round and she doesn't even acknowledge it. (I'm not looking for cards or gifts just an acknowledgement would be nice) sad

CoffeeTea103 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:30:58

Yanbu that is very upsetting. Have you ever asked her why she does this.

WelshMoth Fri 31-Jan-14 18:31:21

Bloody tell her and hold her accountable. angry

I feel sad on your behalf.

Sad but angry.

Shakey1500 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:32:52

She may (and there's lots of us that struggle) not do the "Mum stuff" (to a degree but seriously??

How fucking hard can it be to write in on a calendar in big fuck off letters? angry

Finola1step Fri 31-Jan-14 18:35:14

Blimey. That is quite crap. I assume she was at the birth. I do sometimes have to think carefully about the order of numbers when I'm writing ds's dob as the day and year are one digit apart. But to just not know is v v odd.

If its your birthday today, cake. if not, cake anyway.

Pimpf Fri 31-Jan-14 18:35:33

If she couldn't remember anyone's birthday, I'd say that you'll just have to suck it up, but the fact she remembers the others is terrible. Have you told her how hurtful it is? Has she explained how/why she knows theirs but not yours?

sandyballs Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:52

That is horrible. I'm sad that my mum no longer remembers my birthday but she has dementia. To think of her doing this when she was well sad.

Have you asked your mum why?

wonkylegs Fri 31-Jan-14 18:38:33

I told her today when she phoned (not to acknowledge it but to tell me about her trip with a friend I don't know and about sorting out my brothers dog), she said ' oh is that today' and continued with her conversation. I interrupted and told her about DSs lovely card etc , at which point she then had to go. sad
I once asked why she treated us differently and she said that 'she knew I'd always be fine so she didn't worry about me'
DH says she'll never change and I should stop hoping she will.

AngelinaCongleton Fri 31-Jan-14 18:38:57

Mine neither, so sympathies. Mostly I find it funny, but underneath that it hurts a wee bit.

notundermyfoof Fri 31-Jan-14 18:41:25

sad that must be so hurtful. Yanbu.

Happy birthday flowers

AngelinaCongleton Fri 31-Jan-14 18:42:33

Yes happy birthday!

PedlarsSpanner Fri 31-Jan-14 18:43:29

oh I am so sorry, that would hurt terribly

happy birthday wonky

tilliebob Fri 31-Jan-14 18:45:40

Last year on my birthday my mum came into my house THREE TIMES before she clicked it was my birthday. She only realised then as she spotted the cards and then rushed to the calendar saying "Have I missed your birthday?!"

Since I'm in my 40's I got over it but vowed I'd never do that to any of my children as it's not a nice feeling hmm

BigPinkBalloons Fri 31-Jan-14 18:46:02

Wow that's really bad! Do you still acknowledge her Birthday? I hope not!

wonkylegs Fri 31-Jan-14 18:48:00

Thank you. It just makes me a bit sad deep down. I try to get over it and not expect more but every year I always secretly hope.
I'm going to have a nice dinner with DH & DS and be thankful that I have a wonderful family around me.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 31-Jan-14 18:49:03


Both my parents are the same.Mother I no longer all to for various reasons,dad I do and he avoids me on birthday.This year he did phone about something,I mentioned it was my birthday and he quickly made excuses to go,no 'happy birthday' or anything.

So,happy birthday from me for whenever your birthday is!

hiddenhome Fri 31-Jan-14 18:49:14

Oh, you're a January birthday. Most people who have a January birthday are ignored when it comes around. They just don't want to know. It's the worst month to have a birthday in ever sad <bitter personal experience>

Your mum is a bit of an arse for being dismissive towards you though.

curiousuze Fri 31-Jan-14 18:50:15

Happy happy birthday!

Your 'mum' is cruel, and your DH is quite right. Just let your own family make a fuss of you instead.

curiousuze Fri 31-Jan-14 18:53:40

Oh and untrue about January birthdays. My sister, DH's sister and FIL all have Jan birthdays and we always have presents, cakes, meals out or drinks for them!

hiddenhome Fri 31-Jan-14 18:58:10

I said, most people, not everyone hmm

There have been numerous threads on MN about January birthdays and how posters hate having them because they're ignored or very little effort is put in.

Your own mother ignoring your birthday is rather extreme however. I'd send her a mouldy haddock on hers tbh.

Solo Fri 31-Jan-14 18:58:32

Two years running (2011/12) my Mum didn't give me a card (cards are important to me, more so than a gift and she knows this), after the first time, she said "I haven't had time to go to the shop, but I haven't forgotten" the year after, I started reminding her about 3 weeks in advance and she said "I've not forgotten, but not written it out yet" (was a fib). But the first year she didn't get me one, about 5 days later she hands me a card saying "what do you think of this, it's for your cousin H" That hurt me the most. I do everything for Mum, including buying her all the cards for the family for her to give/send why did she make such a big thing of going out and buying my cousins birthday card when she'd not got me one? we are 10 days apart. Anyway, I kept bringing it up in a jokey fashion all year! and last year birthday, she gave me two cards; one dated for 2012, the other for 2013. I asked her where 2011's was!! grin

This year, I'll be 50. Best she doesn't forget it! hints are going to start in 3 weeks time!

glammanana Fri 31-Jan-14 19:00:24

Happy Birthday from me wonky enjoy your meal with your family,how sad I feel for you but I do think your DH is right and she is not going to change now but I would certainly sit her down and tell her how hurt you are.

Solo Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:10

And Happy Biirthday OP smile

My Dd's birthday is Boxing Day. Doubt I'll ever forget that ~ even by accident! grin

gamerchick Fri 31-Jan-14 19:04:00

happy birthday smile

Mine forgot mine once.. I spent the whole day with her as well.

You'll never change your mother now but it is a green light not to bother with her special days. I don't think I could bother with a close family member if I couldn't even get a phone call. I'm not high maintenance when it comes to birthdays but it's nice to be acknowledged... especially by your own mother.

volvocowgirl Fri 31-Jan-14 19:05:15

Happy birthday, wonkylegs!

Sorry about your mum hmm

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 31-Jan-14 19:09:00

If she remembers other birthdays, then it's safe to say she might well remember yours too. And makes a point of not remembering, if you see what I mean.

Do you think that this might be possible??

ArgyMargy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:12:50

I hope you ignore hers too?

Ypu would think she would remember the first day she had ever given birth shock

Divinity Fri 31-Jan-14 19:24:36

Are you her scapegoat wonkylegs?

Happy Birthday! cake

kilmuir Fri 31-Jan-14 19:27:14

How awful
Happy birthday

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 31-Jan-14 19:38:26

When I was living with my dad I'd never even get happy birthday said to me. Didn't even get a card when I turned 18. My nan always gets my dd a present a card and that's her great granddaughter fgs! I'm not a materialistic person but acknowledgement is nice! HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP!!

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:48:26

My mum used to do send mine late all the time sad

And totally forgot my wedding anniversary in the excitement of organising DS's wedding (which Dsis was organising being a grown up 32 at the time).

Out of sight, out of mind, in my DM's case.

flowers Happy Birthday smile

smallandimperfectlyformed Fri 31-Jan-14 19:54:46

YADNBU! Happy Birthday wonkylegs cake

Oldraver Fri 31-Jan-14 20:13:42

My Mum always used to 'joke' that she only remembered my birthday as it was the same day as the dogs hmm.

It did piss me off that she says she cant remember what time I was born..

persimmon Fri 31-Jan-14 20:15:10

That is officially crap of your mum. Bless you
clutching at straws - was your birth very traumatic and she's got a mental block?

willowstar Fri 31-Jan-14 20:25:18

My mum usually remembers to phone on my birthday but that is it and has been for years. I do feel a bit envious of friends whose mums take them out to lunch or buy them presents etc, but that just isn't my mum. My dad used o phone on y birthday but hasn't for years now. My husband is utterly crap too.. I usually feel quite sad around my birthday.

BathTangle Fri 31-Jan-14 20:29:02

Happy Birthday wonkylegs

I remember how upset I was when my mum forgot my birthday in the excitement of having found a new man (HE remembered as he knew me before he and my mum got together!) It's just a shitty feeling - hope you are having cake and wine!

maresedotes Fri 31-Jan-14 20:29:30

Happy Birthday. Double celebration as Chinese New Year too.

eddielizzard Fri 31-Jan-14 20:34:12

my mum hasn't remembered my birthday for years. is crap, so big hugs.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 31-Jan-14 20:39:42

Happy birthday OP! cake flowers

Your mum is utterly crap. Think sadly your DH is right about not expecting any better. Write it off and think very carefully about how much, if any, of your time and attention you want to give her in future. I'd suggest zero to very little.

Solo that is also shit, and in your shoes I would stop buying any cards for your mum to give the rest of the family pronto, and saying 'Oh, it didn't seem worth doing that anymore as you clearly aren't that into sending cards'.

Holdthepage Fri 31-Jan-14 21:08:47

Just make sure you forget hers too. It really is a crap thing to do by any standards, forgetting your own child's birthday.

Coumarin Fri 31-Jan-14 21:17:53

Oh Wonky sad

I think you'll just have to accept that she's being a weird arse even though it's really horrible behaviour on her part.

Hope you've had a happy birthday with your family and have a lovely birthday weekend (you're allowed three days if it falls on a Friday. There're rules.) thanks

Solo Fri 31-Jan-14 22:10:16

Mellow yes it is...I can't even 'punish' her with not buying cards anymore as a couple of months ago, she started a card making course, so she'll just make them in future I think. Is it bad that I want a shop bought one this year?! as it's a BIG birthday grin

littledrummergirl Fri 31-Jan-14 22:17:37

A few years ago my mum forgot my birthday. The following year I forgot hers! We were both unwell and the days just passed us by.

TalkinPeace Fri 31-Jan-14 22:27:08

Mothers can be shit.
My mother's will executors include one of her children (not me) one of her step children and a friend of one of the above.
I've been told that my children only became of interest because others were busy.

Two years ago I realised that I could win the nobel prize and it would not make her proud of me.
It was a great revelation.

I now put all of my effort into being a better parent to my children than my parents were to me .

legacy is all

KarinMurphy Fri 31-Jan-14 22:36:46

Happy birthday.

It's my son's birthday today too. I can't imagine not remembering.

I'm so sorry that your Mum is being crap. sad

RudolphtheRedknowsraindear Fri 31-Jan-14 23:26:46

Happy Birthday to Wonkylegs,
Happy Birthday to you!
cake wine
Celebrate with your wonderful family that love you, * ANYONE else. Hope you had a great day!

Mellowandfruitful Sat 01-Feb-14 00:02:02

Solo enjoy the big birthday! Well, I would stop sending her any cards anymore, if you have still been doing that. She doesn't deserve them.

Solo Sat 01-Feb-14 00:08:54

Thank you, I fully intend to!!
I can't stop sending her cards. I'm really not like that and what if she died? I'd never feel good about getting back at her smile

LucyBabs Sat 01-Feb-14 00:10:05

Happy Birthday wonkylegs

My Dad was emotionally dead when I was growing up.
He knew nothing about me and made my Mam and my siblings lives a misery.

There is no way he would have known my birth date.

It used to hurt so much but when I had my own dc I vowed to make their birthdays (and lives) so special.

Enjoy your birthday with your dh and ds

DaleyBump Sat 01-Feb-14 00:13:09

Happy birthday cakewine

My mil is the same. She even called on DH's birthday asking for money. She's met her grandson (her only grandchild) once and doesn't know his birthday either. I've been with DH since I was 14 and in all the years I've known him she's never even wished him a happy birthday. She doesn't care. Hate is a strong word but I absolutely hate the woman. Never has my dislike for someone been so intense. He pretty much never had a birthday growing up either. His face when I got him his first birthday cake... It's so upsetting to think about.

Ludoole Sat 01-Feb-14 00:36:59

Id buy her a calendar every xmas and write my birthday on in big letters!! grin

ILoveDHIDo Sat 01-Feb-14 14:09:46

Happy belated birthday! hope you had an amazing day regardless thanks

Solo why are cards so important to you? Asking out of curiosity.

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