AIBU to nearly burst a blood vessel over DH and the way he 'thinks'

(50 Posts)
lilyrose123 Fri 31-Jan-14 13:58:44

Today, Friday, I am on another long day at work.....
I have just received a text from DH
'Thanks for leaving me the pushchair'
This is referring the the fact that the pushchair is in the boot of my car here at work, we live about 3 miles away and nursery where he is collecting youngest DD from is halfway!
Now he does not want the pushchair to take her out, go the park, feed the ducks etc, its so he can get her to sleep then he can play his big boy games on his PS3 kill a few soldiers etc

I have text him back
It is as much your responsibility as it is mine
you are only working a few hours today
i am not superwoman
i cannot remember everything for the whole family
if you need it come and get it, its not that far away!

gamerchick Fri 31-Jan-14 14:01:28

I would have just text back 'you're welcome' and left it at that.

God forbid he has any integration with his child. Do him good.

gamerchick Fri 31-Jan-14 14:01:48

Interaction*

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 14:02:30

I would have said either

A) Sorry, I forgot to take it out (if it was my fault)

B) Then you should have taken it out (if he was supposed to)

It's really not worth falling out over.

lilyrose123 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:10:05

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children, if the DP doesnt do it or ask then to do it then it didnt need to be done.....fine.....but to then text me and blame me for your thoughtlessness really annoys the hell out of me
Oldest DD (5.5) is going to rainbows today after school for the first time, another mum has offered to take her with her own daughter,
yesterday i made sure she bought PE kit home, emptied it, filled bag up with casual clothes and shoes for rainbows, and sent her back with it today, my mum will be collecting her and bringing her home as she is passing that way so i asked if she would rather than DH taking DD (2) out in rain into van etc to get her
They are both having hot dinners today, so I have made packed lunches for the tea tonight so they are all ready,
I work 2 jobs, I take both swimming, I take youngest to tumble tots, I do more than 50% of housework and nearly all the shopping, I am in charge of all birthdays cards and presents...he doesn't even know when his grandads birthday is.....
I know this will be familiar territory for other people.....and I know people will say...just stop doing it all, most of it is for our children...
he works hard, but he is self employed and work is intermittent....his work comes in bulk....but means overall his wage is half of mine, and hourly rate about the same, he cannot see that means i work twice as many hours as him

I'd have said 'No, I think it's in the car'.

Phalenopsis Fri 31-Jan-14 14:12:37

More going on here than just the issue over the pushchair.

Ithinkwerealonenow Fri 31-Jan-14 14:12:53

Thinking like this:

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children, if the DP doesnt do it or ask then to do it then it didnt need to be done.....fine.....

Leads to accepting behavious in a relationship that leads to this:

but to then text me and blame me for your thoughtlessness really annoys the hell out of me

Men are no less capable than women, if they know the responsibility lies with them and won't be taken on by their other half. Don't stand for it.

HermioneWeasley Fri 31-Jan-14 14:13:46

Why do you accept that "men are from mars and all that". Do you really think that men are incapable of thinking for themselves, planning, preparing etc?

Sounds like you've taught him how to treat you.

Lottiedoubtie Fri 31-Jan-14 14:14:17

What are his good points?

plutarch14 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:15:37

Men do not have an 'inability to think for themselves' - if they do, then why are politics, business, law and the arts all dominated by men? He needs to grow up.

For a start, why do you do all birthday cards and presents? If he doesn't send his mother/grandfather whatever a card then surely that is his problem?

You could start by just not doing anything that is solely for his benefit - don't wash his clothes, don't send his birthday cards, don't make his packed lunch. He's an adult, he needs to act like one.

peggyundercrackers Fri 31-Jan-14 14:15:53

if you have 2 cars, his'n'hers then i think its the responsibility of whoevers car it is in to take it out. if you only have 1 car then its his fault..

lilyrose123 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:16:28

I know its not worth a fall out
its just the straw and camels back sometimes
every morning he sits drinking coffee watching tv as he starts work at 8am and he deserves to be able to sit down and watch the news before work, and told me the other day it was ok for me as i did not start until 10am, the fact that 6:30-10am was a marathon of kids, lunches nursery drop offs homework, tea in slow cooker, dishwasher emptied, school drop off and commute to work....
my coffee is drink whilst i spin around the kitchen, never ever to get to sit and watch the news,
if i dont organise evening meal, there is none shock

TheWitTank Fri 31-Jan-14 14:17:17

I wouldn't have bothered answering. Twat.

Kemmo Fri 31-Jan-14 14:19:04

DH would (quite reasonably IMO) be pissed off if I took the pushchair to work in my car.

BUT he wouldn't send me a sarcastic email, he would just politely ask me to check before I leave in future.

And he can certainly think/plan for himself and wouldn't expect me to do all the stuff that you say you do.

redskyatnight Fri 31-Jan-14 14:20:44

If you're not happy with the division of jobs in your house then you need to say so.

If you "always" do something, than DH will assume that you always will, unless you tell him otherwise. He is not a mindreader and won't work out you're not happy unless you tell him!!

ouryve Fri 31-Jan-14 14:22:18

Men are human, and from Earth, just like us.

Instead of complaining, you need to stop accepting it and making excuses for it. No grown man should be relying on someone else to buy cards for their family. Let him see the diary with the dates in and let him face the music if he gets it wrong.

Let him make the kids a sandwich for tea. My 10yo with SN can make a sandwich, ffs. If he forgets, the kids will soon let him know they're hungry. Again, he needs to face up to the consequences if he gets it wrong or doesn't try hard enough. Those will be hungry kids and probably a headache for him.

My DH does forget things, or misunderstand things and I find that frustrating at the time. He probably feels the same when I get it wrong.

As for the text, if the buggy really isn't essential for him, I'd reply "you're welcome"

lilyrose123 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:23:34

we only have one car
he has a van for work, full of work materials in back
he wanted the pushchair for home to strp her in for an afternoon kip
I understand the points made, i really do, i would feel petty not washing his clothes with mine and the kids...
His mum texts me to ask if I have bought the cards etc, I have over the last 6 months or so told him to buy his own cards etc
the last one that he forgot i got questioned over by the inlaws i was quite firm about his responsibilities

He is no less capable of thinking for himself than you are.

The point is, he doesn't have to.

So...you have to tell him. And stick to what you say.

ouryve Fri 31-Jan-14 14:25:24

So, you tell his mum that he's a big boy now and can buy his own cards. Don't allow yourself to become mum 2.0 for him.

lilyrose123 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:28:28

his general stance is that he should not have to take the girls to any parties, playbarns, swimming lessons etc
if for any reason i cannot take them to a party or lesson as i am working he either says they can miss it or says to ask my mum to take them
he is a very half glass empty person and we have had many heated discussions about this, i have tried to talk to him, but its ends up with him saying i am nagging or always moaning

Lozcat86 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:35:56

My DH took the pushchair to work with him the other day by mistake and stupidly I'd left the baby carrier/sling in it too smile so I couldn't take DD out for some fresh air. I just text him and said "Doh! We didn't take buggy out of the car!" He replied with "Whoops!"
Not really a big deal. Doesn't seem like it's just the buggy really.
brew

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 14:40:12

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children,

It's that sort of sexist attitude that makes you put up with (and cover for) his lazy behaviour.

Men are very much from Earth...the same as women are.

He can do as much as you...it seems he just doesn't want to and while you're doing it all, he certainly doesn't need to.

MrMeaner Fri 31-Jan-14 15:12:41

Sorry, but he sounds like a bit of a crap dad...

Best part of the week for me, taking my son to hockey, even if it's at 6 in the morning, or my daughter to parties - super time to bond and chat and it didn't matter how old they were...

Good luck

MrMeaner Fri 31-Jan-14 15:14:41

PS YANBU, although if this was a one off with no back story, then I'd say his text could have been read jokily...

ThatBloodyWoman Fri 31-Jan-14 15:17:52

I think it's the car drivers responsibility not to take something with them in the car that is needed at home,if you both opted not to get it out of the car when you came home with it last.

littlepurplealien Fri 31-Jan-14 15:23:01

If HIS plans for HIS day involved the use of the pushchair it was up to HIM to ascertain that HE had the pushchair available. HE waited until you were at work to look for it so it is HIS lack of planning that is the problem.

bigbluebus Fri 31-Jan-14 15:35:38

The issue here is clearly that he lets you do everything because you always do everything. Stop doing it all but tell him what he needs to do. Eg If you know he needs/wants the pushchair tell him he needs to make sure he's got it. If one of his family members has a birthday coming up just remind him that he needs to send them a card - and leave it at that. I speak with experience as a SAHM who always did everything as DH worked long hours. Then he changed jobs and worked 9-5, I continue to do everything. That worked fine until we hit a patch of family crises with my extended family plus DD had a spell in hospital and I wasn't at home to do everything. I just started to dish out specific jobs and made it quite clear that I wouldn't be picking those jobs back up again once things settled down - as he more than had the time to help out.
But clearly he is a man who will not 'know' what jobs need doing so you will have to spell it out to him. And no way would I be doing all that food prep for meals I was out for if he is sitting around playing PS games.

TropicalRain Fri 31-Jan-14 15:36:04

You have my full sympathy lilyrose123. I would love to hear tips on how to change his attitude and behaviour. I also feel like a mum 2.0 sometimes, and frustrated that my other half also has this idea that he deserves to always chill and drink coffee and watch the news. Whilst like you, I am always swirling around cleaning or cooking or doing laundry or tending to the little one. I have tried different things but would appreciate any tips on here to get the other half to see, for eg: hey, the bathtub needs cleaning/dishes need doing etc, why don't I just sort that out...instead of waiting for me to ask him to help me with it. And in the process feeling like a nag.

iammrsnesbitt Fri 31-Jan-14 15:37:16

Actually I disagree a little. DH has done this before - he takes the car to work, I walk to work with DD. Sometimes the pushchair gets left in the boot of the car (which I typically suddenly remember after he's already left). I have been known to send a sarcastic text blush. Difference is I'm the one doing all the running around, getting DD breakfast, dressed etc while he only has himself to think of. He doesn't think of anything besides his need to get to work, which frustrates me when I think of the family as a whole.

How do you know he only uses the pushchair to get DD to sleep so he can play games if you're not there?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 31-Jan-14 16:04:50

Christ he sounds like an absolute waste of space.

CumberCookie Fri 31-Jan-14 16:06:57

What was the point of him saying anything? It was just to annoy OP, I'd be annoyed too if I got a similar text.

Joysmum Fri 31-Jan-14 16:33:14

A classic case of getting upset with a person, rather than a situation.

DH and I tend to take a more pragmatic view. We both know we do our best, but we both know we both make mistakes. We just happen to like and respect each other to appreciate that our mistakes aren't because we are fuckwits, things get forgotten and that's a fact of life so getting annoyed at a person is wrong and destructive no matter how irritating the situation.

plutarch14 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:04:12

He refuses to take his children to birthday parties and activities, so if you aren't available to take them they can't go??

He doesn't sound like a very good father. In fact, he sounds bone idle.

Mouthfulofquiz Fri 31-Jan-14 18:39:47

I have been known to jokily text back to MIL - terrible sorry, Mr Quiz's PA doesn't work at weekends. Please resend your request direct. Kind Regards, Mrs Quiz.
This has been in response to reminders like 'can you get him to send a birthday card to his Nanna please?' Or can you ask him to call his dad later? Erm. No. Sounds harsh but the first few times it was a novelty, and then I realised I was facilitating him not having to remember or get involved in anything to do with HIS family!!

Thetallesttower Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:04

his general stance is that he should not have to take the girls to any parties, playbarns, swimming lessons etc

This is just ludicrous. So, if he was a single parent then, god forbid, his children wouldn't to go parties or swimming lessons or anything? Does he know other men do take their children to these things? Does he know how crap he sounds?

Kundry Fri 31-Jan-14 18:57:09

He's crap but the ILs asking you about cards suggests they have brought him up to be crap.

My ILs tried the shit about cards - you simply have to learn how not to be embarrassed and not to give a shit. Everytime they tried to blame me for forgetting one, I reiterated that it was his responsibility. Now they think I'm a crap wife but they don't bother me anymore grin

Pick one thing he's crap about and don't take anymore messing. When he knows you mean business about that one thing, move on to another. Eventually he'll get it.

coco44 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:08:29

'then he can play his big boy games on his PS3 kill a few soldiers etc'

as opposed to mumsnetting?
Couldn't you have just texted back 'whoops' and tried to pop back with it?

Hunfriend Fri 31-Jan-14 19:12:45

Why the fuck is he blaming you ?

Whoops and pop back with it !!hmm
No bloody way. He is an adult its time he behaved like one.

givemeaclue Fri 31-Jan-14 19:14:50

Don't agree that men aren't capable, my dh is perfectly capable and doesn't play kids computer games

Pilgit Fri 31-Jan-14 19:24:28

What precisely is this lump of lard bringing to the party apart from being an additional child for you to deal with? On what basis are the childrens parties and other stuff nothing to do with him? My DH is far from perfect but he sees everything as his joint responsbility (more so really as I am the full time wage slave and he's self employed, WFH). This is only going to lead to resentment and kill any love you have for him. Also think about the message and lesson you are teaching your children - that this is a perfectly acceptable way to treat your partner!

Right OP, we all agree that when it comes to taking responsibility for family and DC related things some men are useless (or bloody lazy).

You can't stop doing everything you do, that will end in chaos, miserable children and probably divorce.

Think of one at most two things you do that he jolly well ought to do and put your foot down. Be it presents, swimming lessons or cooking (and cleaning up) when he's home first. Preferably choose something that you hate or aren't particularly good at, off loading 50% isn't going to happen so make sure you give him something that will make you smile.

Also unload something that he will actually do. I off load getting the DDs to the bus in the morning, I hate mornings, I grump, I shout, I am not nice, DH is massively better at it.

He's hopeless at presents, massively over thinks them and gets in a mess.

He wouldn't do parties if they were all parents he didn't know, he's genuinely a bit odd about some social stuff.

So long as he gets all the shopping in the fridge and the freezer when it defeats me I don't care!

gamerchick Fri 31-Jan-14 20:07:19

coco44 you're having a garden aren't you? hmm run around after your own partner like that do you?

LouiseAderyn Fri 31-Jan-14 20:21:55

What are you getting out of this relationship?

He is a crap father by the sounds of it, lazy at home, not earning shit loads of money ( which for sone wonen would go some way to compensating because at least they could buy in help) and sends sarky texts when you are at work!

Im not quite saying ltb, because he might be 'fixable' if you stop letting him get away with being an arse and put your foot down. But if it turns out that he is unwilling to change then I honestly don't see your life being worse if he wasn't in it.

lilyrose123 Sat 01-Feb-14 19:17:40

Coco 44
He had finished work
He had his van if he wanted to collect it
I don't think the patients or staff in a&e would appreciate me popping out to drop it off lol
Well he knows he's ballsed up
I've took both girls swimming this morning
He's cleaned the house or at least half of it
Made dinner
Then after I've nipped for a work photo with girls
I've come in to their tea cooked
Washing put away and then he offers to go do shopping

Now when they do this it's fab
I've said thank you
I did a little kitchen dance and made myself coffee
I drank it hot too
He's also auto for a zoo visit and picnic tomorrow

Why does it have to get this far though?
Anyway I'm working extra next two weekends so going to enjoy tomorrow
Will need to think how I approach next two weekends in order to make sure I'm not doing everything again
Might just ask him what he's organising for tea?

Cranky01 Sat 01-Feb-14 20:00:58

The thing is he's done a those things because he feels guilty. (Which is a start) but it's all on his terms. Whereas you don't get to chose when you are contributing.

I don't have an answer thoufh

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 01-Feb-14 20:01:01

Don't ask him! I feel sorry that you're in this predicament but you're facilitating him. He sounds like a cocklodger.

Mamagoose01 Sat 01-Feb-14 20:08:15

Good on you, had something similar years back when I was fed up of doing everything so remind DH it was his responsibility to wink

lilyrose123 Sat 01-Feb-14 22:32:17

Mmmnnnn I see the point of not asking
But after 9 hours in the pool next weekend I will need a decent meal when I get in
Usually stick something in slow cooker
See how the week works out for now
I don't think there is a quick solution
Wasn't always like this
Pre children we both worked full time and then a bit extra
We just got on with it I guess
But with kids and mat leave you get used to being organised And in control maybe

birdsnotbees Sat 01-Feb-14 22:45:36

Men aren't from Mars.. god I hate those sorts of sweeping, sexist comments. Men are just people and men are often equal parents, too.

Stop enabling your DH's behaviour. Either sit down and calmly work out who does what or, if he refuses, stop doing things for him. He'll soon get the message.

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