Mil and my daughter

(86 Posts)
Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:26:59

My mil is going to be looking after my dd for 2 days a week when I go back to work. I was going to go back full time but hate the thought of leaving her.
Anyway I used to be comfortable with mil before I had my dd. But now aibu that I really dislike the way she's going to look after my dd?
She says things like "I will bring her up how I brought up my other kids" and I keep saying but she's different and tell her how I want things done. She disregards what I tell her.

I tell her to keep her dog away from my child cos it's an grumpy jealous snappy thing yet every time she gives dd back to me she says "yes I called the dog over so he could smell her so he knows to protect her" from what, the f**in post man?

She also let my dd crawl down the hall way to the cat litter tray when I was using the bathroom and when I told her she must keep am eye on her cos she is not to go near litter/pet food etc she then says "oh its ok the cat doesn't shit in it she goes outside" she checked the tray later and the cat had shit in it.
She always keeps saying that she'll let dd play with the pet food. I think that's disgusting.

Am I wrong to keep having to tell her what to do? And saying to her to keep the dog away etc? (the dog has already bitten an adult and growls at me even tho I don't touch the animal)

I feel sick with worry when I have to leave her with mil but my OH says we have no choice as I have to work and can't afford a proper childminder or any other child care.

I know she's doing us a favour but it's making me ill!!

Lottiedoubtie Fri 31-Jan-14 11:28:46

Don't leave your DD with her. I cannot for a moment imagine why you would in these circumstances.

ChasedByBees Fri 31-Jan-14 11:29:48

She will not do what you tell / ask her. She just won't. Your only option is to not leave her with her. I would find anyway possible to make that happen.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 11:30:50

Your child is the most important thing to you

I don't know why you're even considering sub standard childcare

Surely there has to be another way?

TalkieToaster Fri 31-Jan-14 11:32:24

You have to find paid childcare. You HAVE to.

Imagine if you visited a childminder and she said all those things to you. You wouldn't go near her. This is no different. Just because your MIL is 'free' doesn't mean she's an option. She's not.

SaucyJack Fri 31-Jan-14 11:34:20

Don't leave your daughter there.

Rightly or wrongly, if you want professional staff who're going to do as you tell them, then you need to pay them for it.

Topaz25 Fri 31-Jan-14 11:35:16

It is simply not safe to leave your DD with someone who owns a dog that has already bitten and refuses to keep her away from the dog. This situation is not just less than ideal, it is unacceptable. You and your OH need to sit down and discuss this and your finances to find another way. He should prioritise your DD's safety.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 11:35:52

I would say absolute no and that is without the 'snappy, jealous dog' part of the already worrying arrangement.

AwfulMaureen Fri 31-Jan-14 11:36:11

She's not "bringing your child up" she's looking after her. Anyway...I agree with others, DO NOT use her. Pay for a professional.

Monetbyhimself Fri 31-Jan-14 11:39:14

If you don't want to pay for decent childcare, then this is what you have to accept.

Cluffyflump Fri 31-Jan-14 11:39:59

The fall out from not letting mil look after her will be big.
The harm that could (very likely) come to your Dd, if you use mil for child care... Catastrophic.

I don't really see you have a choice.

2tiredtocare Fri 31-Jan-14 11:43:31

Could you employ a childminder, there are some great ones out there and not as expensive as nursery? You wont be able to relax with your baby in a situation you are not entitely comfortable with.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:44:19

Thanks. I tell my OH its wrong and he tells me I have to tell her cos he won't. And sometimes he tells me to just stop moaning about it.. But I feel awkward
He wouldn't tell my mum something to her face if he was unhappy with something.


ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 31-Jan-14 11:47:59

"her other kids"


that is a very revealing choice of words.

This isn't her child. If she can't understand that, then it is not a good idea to hand any portion of the child's care to her.

She is not going to listen to you. She IS going to let your child do all the things you describe if you let her look after the child.

I don't think you have the luxury of the choice you want, which is to have her look after your child your way and save the money.

so you either have to pay someone to look after your child, look into changing hours or doing something so that you don't need childcare (which isn't always an option with bills to pay!) or you let her do it and hope to god your child doesn't get bitten or contract a disease from the faeces or end up snacking on pet food.

The risk of harm to your child is not a risk worth taking. Your partner may want to believe that the child will be ok because he really WANTS that to be the case, but wanting doesn't affect outcome. What will happen, will happen, regardless how much a person doesn't want to believe it will or could.

NigellasDealer Fri 31-Jan-14 11:48:18

either pay for childcare or do not go back to work, it is not worth it. What if your child was bitten?
apart from that, hasnt she got a right cheek saying 'I will bring her up how i like'? It is you bringing up your child, not her, and you should establish that now, that is NOW!!
good luck, and remember that a few quid a week extra now is just not worth it in the long term.

TalkieToaster Fri 31-Jan-14 11:48:34

Make it his problem. Sort out alternate childcare and then when MIL mentions looking after your DD, look really surprised and say 'DH didn't tell you? He was supposed to tell you!' and then explain you're using paid childcare.

A good way to put it would be to say you want to do it for the social aspect, and/or, you realised you want your DD to have a lovely relationship with her grandma doing special things and soneone you know used grandparents for childcare and TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED and the family relationship was never the same and blah, blah, you wouldn't want to run that risk because MIL is SO important, blah, blah... Flatter her to death and she won't complain. grin

zzzzz Fri 31-Jan-14 11:49:46

Change. Change now. Change quickly.
Your daughter needs you to step up.
You are not going to wring your hands and leave your beautiful defenceless girl with a dog that bites, and shit and animal food for free play.
That's not going to happen because HER MOTHER says "no".

Time to accept a different way to be.

Petitgrain Fri 31-Jan-14 11:49:49

Stand up for yourself to your partner when he tells you what to do, for goodness' sake. And follow your instincts. Why are you letting others dictate to you with regard to your child?

petalsandstars Fri 31-Jan-14 11:53:08

Get paid childcare. And tell your H to cut the apron strings. Definitely don't leave baby with MIL

CumberCookie Fri 31-Jan-14 11:54:01

That is disgusting. I say that as a person with two cats. I'd never let children go anywhere near the litter tray. Don't let her look after our daughter.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 31-Jan-14 11:54:58

OP - your OH says you cannot afford it. Have you made the sums yourself, using ot only your single income but your joint household income (for DD is not only your financial responsibility)?

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:56:09

Talker toaster that did make me laugh. She is self important. Telling me her attitudes towards how kids should be bought up. I did say to her when she said about bringing up dd like her kids were bought up - "well she is different to your kids, she's going to be brought up my way". She said "oh, yeah"

PMDD Fri 31-Jan-14 11:57:54

I may be going against the tide of opinion here, but if you are asking someone to look after your child for free on a very regular basis, family or not, you will have far limited amount of say over how your child is looked after whilst there.

Of course you should expect your child to be looked after safely and not mentally or physically abused. However, there are certain things you will not like that you just have to suck up.

If you can not suck it up, you will have to make other arrangements.

I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.

Life is all about balance. You have to balance the fact she is doing you a favour to allow you and your family to have more income, with the fact that your child will not be cared for Exactly as you wish.

One way of getting over this view, is to think your child will be with you 5 days of the week, thus balancing out the 2 days he is with your MIL.

Kaluki Fri 31-Jan-14 11:58:03

Your DH is being unreasonable.
Who does he think he is? Tell him you aren't going back to work and leaving DD with his mother. Either you or a childminder will look after her and that's that!

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Jan-14 11:58:34

I don't think you can dictate everything she does when she's looking after your dd. If you're going to leave your child with someone else then you need to be able to trust their judgement on most things and you shouldn't leave your child with someone who doesn't have similar ideas to yourself.

I wouldn't want my baby crawling around near cat shit either, but I wouldn't have a problem with a good dog being allowed to sniff.

If you don't like how this woman look as after your child then YABVU to let her.

You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune.

NigellasDealer Fri 31-Jan-14 11:59:05

yes well she is a cheeky beeyatch - you are bringing up your daughter not her - she had her turn before!
do not even let her get her foot in the door by using her for unpaid childcare, you are playing right into her hands, before you know it she will be 'granny's girl' with you playing second fiddle (pardon the high cliche count).
do not even entertain it - phone around some CMs and nurseries now!

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:01:14

I might tell her to put that left over dog food in her mouth if it's that acceptable. And tell her to play with cat shit. I dunno why she thinks it's acceptable..!
And cumber cookie I have cats and luckily they stay away from dd but I do keep her away from kitchen where there stuff is cos it ain't right!

poopooheadwillyfatface Fri 31-Jan-14 12:02:29

*You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune*

This ^^

He/she who pays the piper calls the tune, I'm afraid.
My MIL is pretty great, but when she occasionally looks after my children for free she does things how she wants, it's her call. If you want things your way, you choose a carer and pay them.

Floggingmolly Fri 31-Jan-14 12:06:12

I would find an alternative. Just curious, though, why do you keep telling your MIL that your dd is not like her children (including her father, presumably); she's "different"?

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:06:41

She's not doing it for free. Just a lot less than professional child care.

PMDD Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:10

OP, what do you mean she isn't doing it for free? How much less than paid professional child care?

This does shed a new light on it, if money is exchanging, how ever much less, then yes you should have more of a say.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:13

Accept how she does things has limits! That's more about having a bowl of ice cream or not enforcing nap time. I don't think it can reasonably b e argued to extend to not restricting access to the baby for a dog with a history of biting people, allowing a child to get hold of faeces or letting them chew on pet food!

petalsandstars Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:38

If she is getting paid then you can to some extent set the rules surely. Look into a childminder, seriously, as this will get worse.

My mum and sis have looked after mine when I'm at work but they have the same parenting style pretty much as me and would never do what you've posted. They ask if they are not sure how I would do something and I trust them both to the extent that my sis will have my dcs if anything happens to me and DH. In your shoes I would run a mile from this offer.

JackNoneReacher Fri 31-Jan-14 12:12:13

Normally I would say speak to her be open but pleasant. However, I think her choice of words says so much, that in this case I wouldn't bother. She's going to do exactly as she pleases. So either get someone else or give in now.

Although any mention of jealous, snappy dogs is really enough for me.

YOu will get what you pay for.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:13:54

So what's you next move kirk?....have you looked into nursery/cm care for the two days. Have you costed the difference from paying mil? May not be as much as you think.
When returning to work you need to know dc is in a safe environment in every aspect otherwise you will worry yourself silly.

Pay a CM!

My own DM is a CM and my DD goes there part time. I pay her (I insisted) but do get a sigbificant discoubt.

However, she accepts and understands that dd is my dd and not hers, and if I say she isnt ready to potty train, or im weaning on finger food not puree then she just goes along with it.

MadIsTheNewNormal Fri 31-Jan-14 12:17:18

It is completely wrong to compromise on your own standards of childcare just because it is free. Go to work and pay for a proper childminder if you are not happy with the way your MIL wants to do things. If prepared to do the job of a childminder for nothing on a regular/permanent basis then you can hardly lay down the law about how you want things done in her house.

If you cannot make working worthwhile after paying for childcare then don't bother working. If it is worthwhile after paying for childcare then don't get greedy by expecting someone else to do it for free. Especially not if it means making difficult compromises.

lilyaldrin Fri 31-Jan-14 12:19:28

Find a childminder, or put up with MIL's ways. You aren't going to succeed in making her do things your way.

Nanny0gg Fri 31-Jan-14 12:21:44

I didn't think you were supposed to take money for childminding if you weren't registered?

You need to find some alternative OP.

And as to the poster who said:
I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.


Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:22:34

It seems easier to do night shifts. I'm lucky my work are very accommodating about me coming back. Apparently I've been missed. So I will sort out night shifts for more days. At least I get spend time with my baby!

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Jan-14 12:24:43

While professional childcare does cost a fortune, professional care givers are paid very little. If your mil is being paid less than that, or you are paying her NMW and contributions as an employer, then you aren't paying her enough to be able to dictate what she does.

ivykaty44 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:25:03

Get a childminder, nanny or a nursery place for your dd

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:26:59

Who will mind your dc on return from your night shifts? Hope you get things sorted.

Melonbreath Fri 31-Jan-14 12:27:17

Don't do it. I did. Biggest mistake ever.
My controlling self absorbed mil got her claws well and truly in. My oh will not stand up to her and thinks the sun shines out of her arse.
mil is totally encourages dd to call her mummy, ignores everything I say, dd plays with ancient plastic toys that are broken with sharp edges, and doesn't change her nappy enough so she comes home with rashes and totally hyper as she's been bunged in the pushchair all day.

I ended up quitting my job because of it.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:28:23

Blimey Melon sounds awful hmm

HazleNutt Fri 31-Jan-14 12:31:16

Your MIL is clearly telling you that she is planning to ignore all your wishes and besides that, will put your child in danger (snappy dogs, cat shit etc. dry pet food is a significant choking hazard). Don't do it.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:34:31

Only1 not all night! Till 10pm. I can live with that.

ghostofawasp Fri 31-Jan-14 12:36:04

If you think that her not looking after your child will have repercussions, think of what will happen if she does -there's bound to be issues every single day and the resentment will just run and run...

rockybalboa Fri 31-Jan-14 12:37:13

MIL's attitude to the bitey dog and the cat shit would be a deal breaker to me. Your OH needs to grow some nuts and sort it.

NoLikeyNoLighty Fri 31-Jan-14 12:38:41

No WAY would I be leaving my child there, regardless of her being family or any tension it might cause!
I'd be a flat out, straight NO just with the dog bit, all the other stuff would push me over the edge! smile
I'd be ringing around nurseries.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:38:48

Kirk ....I work through the night sometimes and don't get in until 10am thought you meant similar shock
Hope it all works out.

Sadoldbag Fri 31-Jan-14 12:45:13

Um this. Is why. WE don't ask for favours if you want it for free then you have to expect that people will do things I there own way if you want to dictate then you have to pay simple really.

its rather naughty to try and tell some one how to suck eggs when your not paying for the eggs

And even with paid child care they will do there own thing to a certain extent

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:46:31

Op was going to pay mil.

Sadoldbag Fri 31-Jan-14 12:48:40

Nanny go

I think a lot of people put up with a lot because it's free

I wouldn't usually put up with some one being two hours late but my brother is not charging us the £700 it would cost to out electric in out annex

Some times you have to weight things up op has two choices pay or suck it up

ems1910 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:49:41

How can people be telling OP she has to put up with it? Playing with cat shit and food? This isn't just extra chocolate or too much tv! Urgh. Regardless of money being exchanged or not, this shouldn't happen.

I would be finding a cm, cheaper than nurseries around here and you would still have control over your daughter.

Your OH needs to see this isn't really on and tell her. My mil told us we better not take our baby over as they have an unclean house with a big dig, so we don't and I'm waiting for the fall out soon as she is asking to look after them now.

MiaowTheCat Fri 31-Jan-14 12:50:13

Well your choice is you pay the peppercorn amount you're going to pay MIL and lose the ability to "tell her" X Y and Z about how things are done... or you pay market rates for a professional childcare setup of your choice - and therefore regain the hand of being able to tell them what you want things done like.

That's your choice and the risk you take when you're falling back on family for childcare on a long-term basis (as documented by umpteen threads on here in the past).

ems1910 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:51:00

Dog, not dig :/

She is not doing you a favour at all and you run a risk here of she actually neglecting your child.

Your man does not seem at all able either to stand up to his mother; he is hurting his own self and family unit by being unable to. I honestly think he would put her before you every single time because he is afraid of her.

Its a childminder or you stay at home to look after your child; there are no other options.

Shaxx Fri 31-Jan-14 12:53:38

Don't do it. Trust your instincts.

rookiemater Fri 31-Jan-14 12:58:12

PMDD - it's very sad what you said about your Mum looking after your DCs:

I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.

It's actually not you who is having to suck it up, it's your DS. Look I'm all for parents having a bit of child free time together, but here it sounds like the cost to your middle DS is too high.

OP, check how much childcare costs and if you get any tax credits. Your DP is sticking his head in the sand about this, so you are going to have to be the baddy and let MIL know. No way should a baby be allowed to roam anywhere near cat pee & poo, or a biting dog.

Be prepared for MIl to offer all sorts of concessions if she believes you are serious about looking for alternative care. Don't believe a word of it though, she'll backtrack as soon as you are back at work and vulnerable because you need the care.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 12:59:29

I pay �45 a day to leave my dd with a chdminder and it is money worth spending to ensure the safety of my child. Can you use her child benefit for childcare? Look into childcare tax credit and childcare vouchers towards funding an official childcare provider. There is no way I would leave my child with her under any circumstances.

Goldmandra Fri 31-Jan-14 13:03:07

Look into childcare tax credit and childcare vouchers towards funding an official childcare provider.


If you qualify for tax credits you can claim childcare costs too so a nursery or childminder may not be more expensive.

Chippednailvarnish Fri 31-Jan-14 13:03:20

If you don't like it, then you're just going to have to pay for childcare like everyone else does.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 13:05:49

Thanks everyone for all the different opinions. I know my baby is my no. 1. I just won't put up with mil shit.

MrsKoala Fri 31-Jan-14 13:12:18

I have a similar dilemma OP. Tho not as bad. My parents have offered to look after dc but their way of looking after is not mine. They will put them in front of Cbeebies all day and feed them chocolate. They also have a dog and think it's charming and funny to let DS eat from the dog bowl. The dog is old and grumpy and cannot be trusted and their responses are slow to say the least. Especially my dad.

However, it would mean not being able to go back to work and possibly not being able to afford the buy a house. As childcare would be more than my wages. So i think it is irrelevant if you do the sums out of just your wages or joint income, if you pool all your money, as we do, the sums are the same.

DH is fine with them going to my parents in principle, but for me the reality will be different.

Have you sat and really spoken to your DH? Does he have any concerns at all? Or is it a case of a man jumping of a tower block and saying so far so good at every floor he passes - Ie fine till you hit the floor. Then it's really really not fine.

I read most dog attacks on children are at their grandparents house.

Gruntfuttock Fri 31-Jan-14 13:18:36

OP, you owe it to your child not to leave her with your MIL. You know she won't be safe, so you can't do it, you just can't.

mumofsnotbags Fri 31-Jan-14 13:24:47

Kirkdale Its seriously not worth it. My mil offered to look after ds for 2 days a week when i went back to work. To settle him in she had him for a few saturdays.

1st sat i went in he had a can of hairspray in his mouth as she was getting her hair done, i looked over and they had used a normal bowl to mix bleach in, 1 that she could possibly feed food to ds out of.

2nd (dont know how it got to a second to be honest but dp persuaded me it was a one off) it was may, still cold outside and there garden is a wind trap, id told her he had a cold so keep an eye on him. Went to collect him, he was sat in the windy garden, in a paddling pool with the next door neighbours knickers on. She had got the pool and was too excited to wait for him to use it so bunged him in it anyway, think he was about 10 months at the time.

The following monday i told her i wouldnt be needing her to watch him, made out like id got him in a nursery that was really cheap and wanted him to be around other children, she bitched and moaned about me to anyone who would listen, and my dp stayed out of backing me up slightly now and then. Just couldnt leave my child with her, even though she loves him dearly she has no common sense at all and cares more about making things exciting for her so she can blab to her mates in the pub.

Hes been in nursery 2 days a week, I get child tax credits which pays for a percentage then myself and dp are eft to pay £18 a week between us. Id of been paying mil £30 so its also cheaper, look into tax credits and find a nursery close to you

on another note, is kirkdale your area or just your name, if its where you live im not that far away and can recommend some nurseries near to you that are good wink.

Icelollycraving Fri 31-Jan-14 13:31:52

Pm to allow your child to be with a grandparent who shouts at their child for the sake of an evening with their dh is really awful. If they shout in front of you,what is it like when you are out?

Gruntfuttock Fri 31-Jan-14 13:33:08

"Have you sat and really spoken to your DH? Does he have any concerns at all? Or is it a case of a man jumping of a tower block and saying so far so good at every floor he passes - Ie fine till you hit the floor. Then it's really really not fine."

What an excellent analogy, it's one I've not heard before, but it's very apt in this case.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 13:33:38

Lol its my name. I didn't think about the place
Haha my sister calls me kirk cos of my first name and just ended up calling me kirkdale haha.

Also we earn too much for tax credits and pretty much every benefits apart from child benefit. But we still have to pay rent and bills. So we're not left with a lot at the end of the day.

MinesAPintOfTea Fri 31-Jan-14 13:39:14

Consider that the most likely dog to bite a young child is not one in their own house but in a grandparent's house. You can't leave a baby in a house with a dog which has a history of biting and with an owner who doesn't try to keep them apart.

There's a big difference between an caregiver not following your routine to the letter or giving treats and one which actually puts your DC at risk. Investigate your local childminders and nurseries and see what help you're entitled to before writing them off.

MinesAPintOfTea Fri 31-Jan-14 13:41:20

In that case do either of your employers do the childcare voucher scheme? DH gets these which are from pre-tax income which comes in at about a 30% discount after tax and NI.

diddl Fri 31-Jan-14 13:44:53

You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune

Absolutely agree with that. but I think that-
"MIL's attitude to the bitey dog and the cat shit would be a deal breaker to me."-that is the bigger issue.

As for this-
"I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up."

Are you really that desperate for time alone??

rumbleinthrjungle Fri 31-Jan-14 13:49:21

Agree that if you use family for childcare you have to go along with their way of doing things - but there are definitely limits! The dog and cat would be a deal breaker for me and that's speaking as a dog and cat owner. If a dog owner doesn't start from the point of view of 'this is a serious potential risk I have to be aware of and plan to manage so problems can't arise' then they have no business ever putting their dog and a baby in the same room no matter how trustworthy the dog, for the well being and safety of both of them. And if your MiL is this unaware of these blatant risks you've seen and is this reluctant to babyproof then goodness knows what other risks she won't be aware of. Particularly the more active and mobile your DC gets.

It sounds like you know what you want to do, your problem is working out how to afford to do it. Maybe try talking to your local Sure Start children's centre? They used to have some pretty good financial advice in my area, and a core brief of helping parents who want to work to find affordable childcare.

MarthasChin Fri 31-Jan-14 13:52:49

sort out other childcare arrangements or you will end up damaging family relationships.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 31-Jan-14 13:52:53

OP, you have atleast 4 choices here:

1) Dont go back to work
2) Accept the way your MIL does things, and the risk the dog might bite DD.
3) Tell you MIL that she has to look after your DD at your house without the dog.
4) Get other childcare.

What you do is up to you, but i would not be happy with my child around a snappy dog, that risk is not worth it, nor is the money you save.

MrsOakenshield Fri 31-Jan-14 13:55:51

well, I think you have more of a problem with your DP than your MIL - it seems that he thinks this is fine? And he's not prepared to support you and say so to MIL? Hmmm. Also, have you checked out your family's finances - I would not go on the basis that your DP says it's not affordable - check it out for yourself.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 13:56:11

Thank you rumble. Very helpful.

Pigsmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 14:42:38

Your DH needs to grow a back bone and speak up, it is his child's safety at stake.

Just a thought, could your Mil look after your child at your home? Would take away the dog, litter and pet food issues?

Have you thought about a nanny share?

DoJo Fri 31-Jan-14 15:37:13

Surely it would make more sense for her to look after your daughter at home, if she will be taking care of her until 10pm? Won't she be in bed for some of the time?

youmustbejoking75 Fri 31-Jan-14 17:42:39

As my name says. Don't do it!!

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 18:48:23

I pay �45 a day to leave my dd with a chdminder and it is money worth spending to ensure the safety of my child. Can you use her child benefit for childcare? Look into childcare tax credit and childcare vouchers towards funding an official childcare provider. There is no way I would leave my child with her under any circumstances.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 18:52:38
HappyTalking Fri 31-Jan-14 18:57:14

Your MIL is not going to listen to anything you say because as far as she is concerned she knows better.

I would start looking for an alternative immediately.

jellyandcake Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:13

Would you qualify for tax credits if you were paying for childcare? What about a salary sacrifice scheme at work for childcare vouchers?

I accept my cm won't look after my child exactly as I would - she has her own style. But if I thought for a second she was compromising his safety - physical ie dogs/pet food etc or emotional ie shouting or 'picking on him' - I would find alternative care. It would cost a lot more as she is amazingly flexible and accommodating, doesn't charge for holidays/sickness etc. But child safety is non-negotiable.

(Fortunately my cm is great as well as affordable, I'm very lucky!)

Writerwannabe83 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:06:20

This is exactly why mine and DH's child will be going to a Childminder.

My DH suggested that his mom would be happy to have him for one or two days a week but I put my foot down and said absolutely not!! smile

Using Grandparents for Childcare can be a very dangerous option.... smile

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