to not want to be told how tired I look?

(38 Posts)
Wuxiapian Wed 29-Jan-14 23:15:50

I'm 35 weeks pregnant.

I actually felt good this morning (for a change), made it out of the house with 12 month old for playgroup.

I walk in and the first words to greet me are "God, you look really tired".

Gee, thanks. That made me feel so much better.

Pinkandwhite Wed 29-Jan-14 23:17:17

Why do people do that?!!! People can be really dim sometimes. Of course you don't want to hear that. Yanbu!

WorraLiberty Wed 29-Jan-14 23:21:57

Is it not said out of concern?

CoffeeTea103 Wed 29-Jan-14 23:22:48

I don't think someone would say that just to have a dig, it's probably out of concern.

Preciousbane Wed 29-Jan-14 23:27:23

Don't worry, one of my sons schoolmates informed him she had seen him with his Grandma, well that would be me!

FanFuckingTastic Wed 29-Jan-14 23:27:33

I get it all the time, even not pregnant, because I was born with dark coloured skin around my eyes. It does worsen with tiredness, but it's there whether I am tired, ill or not. When I was younger, the surest way to get a sick day at work was to not put on makeup. Everyone would say how terrible I looked and I'd get sent home.

That's my face. My natural face. And people have this "concern" and head tilt thing going on. I just want to say, this is how I fucking look you complete numpty!

Once I was even asked in concerned tones whether my boyfriend hits me. Foundation and concealer are the only way to not have people question my health status. It's actually quite embarrassing sometimes, to think wow I look so bad people think I am really sick.

Wuxiapian Wed 29-Jan-14 23:29:25

Well, maybe, I guess.

Still made me feel crappy, though - especially as I made the effort with a little makeup and actually felt good for making it there (as I've not been for ages as I'm barely able to walk...).

I thought a hello would've been first port of call, at least.

Wuxiapian Wed 29-Jan-14 23:31:53

Oh my, Fan!

Some people are totally tactless.

FanFuckingTastic Wed 29-Jan-14 23:43:18

I got used to it. The only time I look healthy is if I am tanned and in the sun all the time. I've just learned how to use makeup to disguise it, dark smokey eyes looks amazing on me, so at least it's good for something.

But I totally get how irritating it is to make an effort, feel alright and then have people dash that with a meaningless comment. You always tell a pregnant women she looks amazing, even if she does look a bit tired, because it's pretty much something that smacks you in the face every day of being heavily pregnant, it's tiring, but that doesn't mean you want it pointed out, especially when you've obviously made an effort to get out and look good. I have Aspergers, I don't have a load of tact, but I have enough to know that!

plutarch14 Wed 29-Jan-14 23:44:17

YANBU it's rude. You might as well say 'you look like shit.

plutarch14 Wed 29-Jan-14 23:44:28

(I'm sure you don't)

newyearhere Wed 29-Jan-14 23:45:43

It has been said to me sometimes, but doesn't bother me. It's not offensive any more than "you look busy" or "you look cold".

meeroolla Wed 29-Jan-14 23:48:12

I'd have replied 'Oh cheers' in an offhanded way.

hardbeingme Wed 29-Jan-14 23:57:14

my neighbour does this every time i see her, and then head tilts in a concerned way - up to this point i usually feel fine but then doubt sets in... i'm fine (or am I??) i thought i looked ok (but obviously not)

its not fair to do this to someone who overthinks everything!

WorraLiberty Thu 30-Jan-14 00:00:45

YANBU it's rude. You might as well say 'you look like shit.

See I don't equate the two at all.

Looking tired because you're 35 weeks pregnant with a 1yr old doesn't always equal looking like shit to me.

It just means you look tired and it's perfectly understandable.

ipswichwitch Thu 30-Jan-14 00:04:00

FanFuckingTastic I have the same problem with dark under eyes. I've had someone recently asking if I had a black eye (nope just normal dark eye area) then they started trying to get me into the light, tilting my face about and wanting me to look in umpteen different directions so they could check! I told them to sod off, it's my normal skin colour and still she persisted with "well I'm sure you have a black eye,are you sure you don't?" Aargh! Yes now fuck off!

horsetowater Thu 30-Jan-14 00:06:07

If someone was really concerned that you looked tired they wouldn't tell you you look tired they would say 'how are things going' and prompt to see if you actually are tired or not.

Or they would try and cheer you up.

Telling someone they look tired is just plain rude, thoughtless and negative. It's like telling someone they look really bloated or their teeth look really yellow. You could say those things 'out of concern' too. But you don't.

horsetowater Thu 30-Jan-14 00:07:02

When people say that to me (I often do look tired, and sometimes am) I just say to them 'Thanks!'

CheshireDing Thu 30-Jan-14 06:14:31

I have a 2 year old and a 7 week old and mil and my Gran both said it to me in recent weeks, AND I had foundation and mascara on at the time !

YANBU. I do wonder when people say this what they expect the person to do about it, it really doesn't make you feel any better, just enraged

Crowler Thu 30-Jan-14 06:26:22

I would only say that to a good friend who actually looked tired (not bad) and out of concern.

Hubb Thu 30-Jan-14 06:35:41

YANBU

Sometimes it's just a pointless, annoying comment and I dont really know how you're supposed to respond.

A relative came to visit me a week after I had given birth and said I looked tired...I found that to be a completely stupid comment! Aren't I supposed to look fucking tired!?

Same goes for being heavily pregnant, you would think you could get away with not looking your best without inviting comment.

Although it is extra annoying when you actually thought you looked alright!!

Babylonmood Thu 30-Jan-14 06:52:11

Yanbu. It is rude and unhelpful whatever the intention behind it. Makes me tense when I hear it. I am tired, yes, and I don't have the energy to respond politely.

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 30-Jan-14 08:36:17

I don't understand why people can't just say "how are you doing" or similar rather than saying you look knackered!

madmomma Thu 30-Jan-14 08:37:32

Yup I used to get the black eye comments all the time, because one of my undereye bags/shadows was worse than the other. So insulting though.

newyearhere Thu 30-Jan-14 09:03:00

Looking tired doesn't mean you look worse though. People just look like themselves and are sometimes tired.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 30-Jan-14 09:12:26

YANBU............ I got at 8 months (when I nipped into work whilst on mat leave) " OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HUGE" grin

and the best one........ (in woolworths, with month old baby in pram) "Not long now!"

Wuxiapian Thu 30-Jan-14 09:50:55

People just don't think, do they?!

I would never negatively comment on someone's appearance - I know how cutting it can be.

It's like pointing out to someone they've gained a few lbs - like they don't know already know!

horsetowater Thu 30-Jan-14 10:55:15

I think it's far more helpful to tell someone their label's sticking out or they've got spinach on their teeth or sellotape stuck to their bum.

Telling people they look tired is almost a dig. Next time I'm going to say the same thing to them, "thanks, so do you".

I'm sorry you experienced that as your first greeting Wuxia - people are a bit dim sometimes aren't they ? And yes, I think it's rude, if it makes you feel upset rather than welcomed it wasn't a good greeting was it ?

Hope you have a better day today. Well done for getting out yesterday - I hope things improved after that rubbish start?

CaptainTripps Thu 30-Jan-14 11:57:26

People are so thick. Who wants to hear that? Thing is - I always look tired. So fuck off with your well-meaning but dim comment.

MummyPig24 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:07:39

Yanbu! Why do people say that?! I'm 34 weeks and have had the tired comment and comments about the size of my bump. I don't want to hear it.

sebsmummy1 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:09:36

My nasty and spiteful ex boss used to say this to me and I totally despised her was really not grateful for her fake concern at all. If you have nothing nice to say .....

mindthegap01 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:09:53

YADNBU! I'm 37 weeks and feel like an exhausted whale. Until 36 weeks I was working full time and a colleague of mine who is notorious for calling in sick kept doing the head on one side, 'are you OK? Should you be here? Hmmm?' I thought I looked alright, leave me the F alone!

sykadelic15 Fri 31-Jan-14 02:24:27

I'm not pregnant but I got told that once when I came to work wearing makeup :S

My sister once had someone say to her "OMG, what happened to your face?!" when she arrived at work sans makeup (she was going to put it on in her office).

Some people have no clue!

Blueberrymuffint0p Fri 31-Jan-14 08:05:16

My mil does this and I think it's really rude. Makes me feel like crap and tbh, she looks knackered most of the time but I'd never dream of pointing it out to her!

wonkylegs Fri 31-Jan-14 08:23:54

I went to my hospital appointment yesterday with my Specialist nurse - I was asked 'how are you today Wonky?' I replied -' I'm knackered and feel rubbish'
He replied
'I thought you looked absolutely crap but didn't think that would be a good opener but as you brought it up....' grin
He always manages to make me laugh, I think that's why it's one of my few regular hospital appointments I don't mind going to.

ipswichwitch Fri 31-Jan-14 09:39:31

On the other hand, I've got a 6 week old baby and loads of people have said "you look really well!" In a kind of surprised disbelief tone of voice. I can't win - I either look like I've been punched in the face or look well when clearly I shouldn't!
The only thing people should say about your appearance when you're pregnant is about how marvellous you look and that you're positively blooming.

MatryoshkaDoll Fri 31-Jan-14 10:12:19

I can't actually remember what not tired me looks like.

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