to think its over?

(27 Posts)
ahabswhale Wed 29-Jan-14 21:18:08

My partner and I can work 10 hour days, We can both be tired, stressed, sore, and overworked by the end of the day. I like to set aside everything and be intimate with her. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the same ideas. She's too tired, or too sore, or just "not in the mood." We are looking to be married in the near future, but i am finding this a strain. We are in our late 30's. We should still have a decent sexual drive. It's frustrating to me that she isn't on the same page as me when it comes to sex.

It's my main argument in our relationship. I can't understand how six or seven days wait weeks can go by, and sex just never happens. No woman wants to always take the initiative all the time but come on just once would be nice... If I didn't speak up, I'm sure a year could just pass by without any intimacy at all. I would be happiest with intimate contact every day of the week, but I've tried to compromise to every other day. But even that doesn't occur without a reminder. Too which even I am getting fed up with getting knocked back.

It is getting to the point where I am flirting with other people. This isn't a good sign. I know that. I love her. I do but what can be down now? It has got to a position where I'm not bothering until she does, so we are not.

Yes this sounds strange, and I bet a lot of you think well it must be you, you must be an arse! But I mean it it has been months since we have done anything. I don't want to break up, but it's like we're friends rather then lovers.

Say what you wish too but would really like some advice.

Coldlightofday Wed 29-Jan-14 21:22:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awe Wed 29-Jan-14 21:28:15

Hi, you don't say what else is going on in your lives except work. Children? Travel for work? Demanding family? House renovation? If you are just a busy working couple i would understand your point of view (unless work was super stressful for her), but when other factors kick in energy can soon be drained. These things do go in cycles, if you can perservere through a slow patch and give a bit of attention and arrange some relaxing days together, hopefully your relationship will get back to where you were.

curiousuze Wed 29-Jan-14 21:29:54

What do you mean by intimate contact? Like hugs and kisses or more than that?

CatAmongThePigeons Wed 29-Jan-14 21:31:43

I would get pissed off with feeling like I had to service your needs every day without having mine considered.

aquashiv Wed 29-Jan-14 21:37:22

why are you both sore?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 29-Jan-14 21:38:58

No wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you if every kiss or cuddle means sex. Stop pressuring her.

rabbitlady Wed 29-Jan-14 21:40:30

i'm not sure why you'd want to marry a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you.
i don't know why she doesn't want to have sex with you.
but why not call it quits and try to find someone who wants you?

CrohnicallyFarting Wed 29-Jan-14 21:42:03

My husband has a much higher sex drive than I do. However, I love physical contact with him (hugs, kisses, massage) but sometimes I pull back in case he thinks I want sex when I don't. I love it when he initiates a massage or something and states up front he is not interested in sex and I can just enjoy the contact. And the more non-sexual contact I get, the higher my sex drive seems to go!

What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is, why not try taking the pressure off and initiating non sexual contact with her, make it clear that you're not trying for anything more, and see if you can rekindle the spark. Maybe run her a bath and offer to wash her back? Snuggle in bed or on the sofa with a film? A leg massage if she's tired after a long day? And you can do other things as well, you say she's overworked, is there anything you can help with? Do you do half the housework seeing as you work similar hours?

maddening Wed 29-Jan-14 21:45:20

feeling expected to have sex everyday can be a turn off.

maras2 Wed 29-Jan-14 21:51:47

What on earth do you both do to be tired , stressed and sore after a 10 hour day?

bumbleymummy Wed 29-Jan-14 22:06:42

I think Chrohnically gave some good advice there. By taking the pressure off but still having non-sexual contact, you may rekindle things a bit.

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis Wed 29-Jan-14 22:17:48

What does 'intimate contact' mean? If you want sex every day and she's sore, tired etc I expect she's feeling a bit pissed off. I was the one who just went off sex after kids, poor hubby was celibate for a year. I would dread him coming in and stroking my back etc as I felt pressured. Totally agree you should instigate some non sexual touching like back rubs etc and DONT think 'it's going so well I will see if she's keen'. Also is sex every day or even 'every other day' realistic given you work long hours in very physical jobs? Good luck!

notarealgrownup Wed 29-Jan-14 22:26:20

This thread is not going to end well.
You expect your partner to initiate sex every other day.
Good luck with that with your attitude.

ahabswhale Wed 29-Jan-14 22:26:57

reading back what I wrote doesn,'t read so great.
so I will try and put better.

intimate to go to sleep together even if just spooning would be nice just once. Awe there is a little stress in both our jobs, but this has been the last month, problem goes back about 12. no kids house is ours etc...

Aquashiv sore... she does keep fit for four hours a day (no joke), I for want of a better way to say it hump bricks all day.

yes I can see why you say servicing your needs bit, that isn't the way I meant to come out. And admit what i wrote sounds one sided. but unless I initiate nothing happens. There isn't anything started over the other side of the net. unless you count tracing a finger round a tattoo.

What I should have asked is is it worth continuing if things don't seem to change?

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis Wed 29-Jan-14 22:31:23

Hmmm is being with her worth much less sex than you'd like? Her sex drive could pick up again, or it might not. I think you need to work out just how important this is, then decide whether it's worth destroying yr relationship, losing yr house etc etc.

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis Wed 29-Jan-14 22:32:39

Try telling her you just want a cuddle btw - you may get that intimate contact very quickly ;)

Harrin Wed 29-Jan-14 22:42:03

I agree with offering cuddles, massages etc but staring you're not after sex. I think you can get stuck in a rut and if you've not had sex or intimate contact for a while it can seem very unappealing.

mynewpassion Wed 29-Jan-14 22:46:59

Have you talked to her about the lack of intimacy in your relationship? If yes, and no changes have made either from you or her, then leave the relationship before you cheat. You deserve more and she deserves better.

ahabswhale Wed 29-Jan-14 22:51:11

having sex everyday is and I mean this, a pipe dream. it is something we could all do ten years ago, but to be honest don't think I could these days. but yes I do think of it.

Housework as I get in first, the washing, and cooking has become my job, dusting is done as needed, I love ironing everything is equalled out, though the washing machine is a mystery to me.

massage, leg rub I would be happy to do but that would mean spending time together to do that, and also not being told sandpaper is smoother then my hands.

we have talked, about this, so I buy the roses (well lillies), give her time and still nothing changes.

Pipbin Wed 29-Jan-14 22:52:36

A few years ago we would go months without DTD. I dreaded it. I didn't want to do it. I hated the thought of it. Every so often I would just lie back and think of England. DH never pressurised me into it but the situation made him very unhappy.

I found the problem was the pill. We decided to TTC and when I stopped taking the pill it got a lot better.

Grumpyrealist77 Wed 29-Jan-14 22:56:24

Hmmmm.
You should be able to communicate between the pair of you!?
I've been in a similar situation, though mainly due to my wife giving birth to our 2 kids. Her sex drive disappeared for a year after DS1 and 2years after DS2!!
We would row about it, never seriously, but I wanted more and she wanted none, but we could at least talk openly about it.
She's the love of my life and even through the lean periods I've never dreamed of splitting or looking elsewhere so maybe you and your partner are just friends and it has run its course?
Fortunately for me her post-natal sex drive has appeared and things are back to 'normal' - sex once or twice a week, which is all I need!!
(Not judging, by the way, you just a high sex drive but thats normal!)

expatinscotland Wed 29-Jan-14 22:57:08

Sounds like you two are incompatible. If you're this dissatisfied with the sex right now, wait till you have kids.

Monty27 Wed 29-Jan-14 22:59:03

I don't mean this horribly but do you think she may not fancy you physically any more? Perhaps you should ask her.

I couldn't put up with being rejected so much. You don't come on to her too heavy do you? I can't stand that either. grin

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 29-Jan-14 23:21:52

I think this is very common, there have been other thread's about this. Dont flirt with others. Thats just you trying to bolster your self esteem. But I would back off a little and try to find a way to communicate how you feel. She has to consider your feelings.

foreverondiet Wed 29-Jan-14 23:28:16

I think working long hours and resultant stress takes a massive toll on sex drive. I think also that every second night is quite a lot if she is working long hours. I think you need to discuss - because it would only get harder with kids thrown into the mix.

I think need to schedule time in for it, and with no kids lazy saturday or sunday morning in bed as a starting point?

Ledkr Wed 29-Jan-14 23:34:00

Still not getting the "sore" thing.
I used to teach dance all day but wasn't constantly sore as my body was used to it.
Manual workers aren't all in constant pain.
Sorry, bit irrelevant but I'm drawn to that for some reason

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