To be upset (and a bit cross) that no one is coming to our party?

(129 Posts)
ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 17:57:46

DP and I are throwing a housewarming party this Saturday. We have had a difficult 18 minths due to DP job loss and a very difficult past three months where a manic Christmas with business meant I pretty much saw and spoke to no one for a couple of months. Which is why I wanted to get everyone together to see all the people I have missed so much.
However, out of 46 people we have invited only seven people have responded and only one of them to say they can come.
This is after we cancelled a get together in december (to celebrate christmas rush being over) due to only one person being able to make it.

Am i being unreasonable to be utterly fucked off?

dexter73 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:01:51

Maybe people are already busy. How much notice have they had for the party?

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 18:07:24

Agree, how much notice did you give them?

ecuse Wed 29-Jan-14 18:07:38

How did you invite them?

DustyBaubles Wed 29-Jan-14 18:10:11

I don't know about being fucked off, it kind of depends.

48 people is quite a big party, do they mostly know each other, or would it be a gathering of strangers?

January is a funny month too, many people are counting the pennies, and a housewarming often suggests that gifts are required.

Getting 48 people who are all free at the same time together is always going to be tricky anyway (outside of weddings etc.) so you are probably doing well with seven.

KatnipEvergreen Wed 29-Jan-14 18:12:27

I wouldn't relish a house party with that number of people these days, would much prefer a dinner party with close friends.

Reduction Wed 29-Jan-14 18:16:00

I would be devastated, especially as it's happened twice, I'm afraid I would take it rather personally.

Are they all people you are properly close to or more acquaintances/business contacts?

Have you been putting noses out of joint by being so busy/successful?

hooochycoo Wed 29-Jan-14 18:18:43

You didn't invite then on face book did you?

whois Wed 29-Jan-14 18:21:32

You need to give people dates at least 3 months in advance! My friends don't even have children to worry about and it's still a nightmare to get people together.

Also January is a bad month - people have little cash and are often doing things like 'dry January' so a party won't apeal.

Why not contact your core group and suggest a selection of dates and then do something when most of your core group can make?

whois Wed 29-Jan-14 18:22:14

Oh god, yes if Facebook then that's a crap way to invite people! Need a text, email or phone call.

Pancakeflipping Wed 29-Jan-14 18:24:05

I would chase up the invites and then decide if it is worth doing ( agree with the others about FB -(for some reason FB invites can seem to not transfer to reality)

Lots of people just don't make the effort these days. It's a shame. Use the money you would have spent on the party to go somewhere lovely with DH?

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:27:33

They are both mine and DPs friends, and we assumed some wouldn't be able to come. We invited via Facebook (we are late 20s if thta makes a difference) and a follow up text (for about half of them) two weeks in advance. Admittedly we haven't text/called the remainder.

I appreciate FB isn't great for everyone but we have been invited via FB by a lot of these people for their events. Follow up texts included.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:29:23

It is Feb 1st, so hopefully end of dry January and day after pay day! Plus I let a lot of them off my January birthday (only 2 out of seven people turned up to that too and that was never FB invites, only phonecalls/texts).

Oh, that is rubbish. sad

Have they got decent excuses?

It's sad but there are people who just don't like to lift a finger. It's not that they're snubbing you deliberately or being pointedly antisocial, it's that they figure you'll keep coming to see them at their convenience so they won't bother. DH has a few mates like that and it really upsets me to see him hoping they'll turn up for stuff and then making excuses for them when they don't. I just can't be bothered with people like that.

expatinscotland Wed 29-Jan-14 18:31:57

Just cancel.

dexter73 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:33:29

It does seem odd that this is the third party in about a month that none of your friends bar 1 or 2 want to come to. Have you spoken to any of them recently on the phone or face to face? Do you lives miles away from them?

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 18:34:15

2 weeks notice is not long enough in my opinion. If I invited all my friends with 2 weeks notice I would be happy with one acceptance!

So YANBU to be upset (particularly as its happened twice now) but you can't really be cross that people already have other plans if you only give them 2 weeks notice.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:35:11

@reduction they are all friends we have known for at least 5 years.

Funnily enough DP thinks they don't want to see us anymore due to his employment issues (he has had work, just not permanent) and would rather spend their time with people who can give them a bit of a leg up sad

My business is all people want to talk about when they do see me, which is annoying as I so hate the impact it has had on my life (I also have a full time job and the business was only supposed to be a temporary financial fix) that I am planning on closing it soon.

NannyLouise29 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:37:18

The thing with Facebook is that you are able to see who else is invited. Whenever I get invited to something via Facebook the larger the number of people invited, the less urgent my response. Even if there's a follow up text, then I assume it's a group send. It's as if all of my social etiquette evaporates as soon as Facebook is involved! I'm in my late twenties too.

I also agree with others about January being an odd month for events.

AgaPanthers Wed 29-Jan-14 18:38:48

They don't sound like they are really friends, if none of them want to come to anything.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:39:25

@LRD the ones who can't come to this do have decent excuses ie work/family wedding etc.

@dexter A couple but mostly not as I simply haven't had the time which is why I want to see them now to sort of make up for my own crapness (the one in december was supposed to be for that too). Think 16+ hour days 7 days a week from October until Jan and then we moved house two weeks ago.

We did forget a birthday two weeks ago when we were packing up the house the day before we moved (well DP got the date wrong) but we were very sorry and apologetic and have spoken to that friend since who seems not bothered, but she hasn't responded to invite since

hooochycoo Wed 29-Jan-14 18:39:41

Facebook invites are rubbish. I never usually notice then till someone asks me if I'm coming. Then I generally ask then what they are talking about. And I like and use Facebook . Invite people in person! Phone them, talk to them when you see them. If you can't be bothered to invite them in person, then don't be surprised if they don't want to turn up in person

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:41:17

it is in FEBRUARY!!! (sorry that is in response to all the people saying it shouldn't have been in Jan. As a Jan birthday I have a fairly short fuse on that excuse tbh and will remain so until people with birthdays the rest of the year round are less demanding).

@nanny I don't really think that is acceptable for close/closeish friends tbh. Sorry.

Teeb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:45:32

By the sounds of it you maybe have been a bit flakey and not such great friends yourself? I understand there's mitigating circumstances, but then everyone has shit going on.

hooochycoo Wed 29-Jan-14 18:46:12

If they are close/close ish friends then how come you are inviting them by Facebook?
And 46 of them?

I think the ease of Facebook and texting makes you feel
As if you're closer to acquaintances than you are. You can't be a close friend to 46 people!

I think if they've got good excuses, if it were me, I'd send a message to a couple of good friends and say you'd really love to meet up, and what time is good for them. Much easier to sort out a smaller group.

It is sometimes ok just to call people on it, though. I think it's a very British taboo, not to acknowledge that people failing to come to things can be rude. It's as if we're all supposed to pretend that if people don't drop everything to be with us all the time, we're social failures. Americans in my social circle are much better at this and refer to the fact it's basic politeness to turn up to things. And it does clear the air when you talk about it.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:51:21

I am close to about 10 couples, DP is close to about 10 couples = about 40.

The past three months have been a it crap, but previously we have done an awful, awful lot for these friends when other people haven't, actually.
Ie dealt with their flakiness/busyness/inavailabilty through their medicine, law training, work in finance, new relationships (and I was always ery careful to not let my r'ship get int he way of friendships)and their own businesses actually.

Is it really so hard for people to give us three months leeway? Where we really behaved no worse than they all usually do?

I am planning on closing the business to save my relationship with my friends/social life (family is already shot!), but is it really too late?

However, I take the FB comments on board and will get DP to contact his half of the list.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:53:16

@lrd I have arranged to meet up with the people with good excuses at a later date. That is sorted.

I have called some friends on their crapness over turning up to things in the past and it didn't go well at all and they were v defensive (ie I had a bday once where all 13 people who did turn up were 2 hours late!! And I didn't keep my displeasure completely disguised)

PurplePidjin Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:03

I often ignore fb invitations and I'm not much older than you. It only shows up in my newsfeed a few days before the event so if i ignored it weeks ago I'd have no idea now that it was happening iyswim.

Call the important ones, and if truly no one is free then rearrange for a few weeks later and invite them properly. Facebook is too impersonal for this kind of thing.

Yanbu to be pissed off though

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:44

If you are close to most of the friends, I think it is far better to contact in person or by telephone, particularly if you have been a bit distant lately. Also, the more direct approach means that they have to give you an answer rather than hiding behind Facebook.

CarolineKnappShappey Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:46

I think that 2 weeks notice is way too short. We have been trying to fix dates with two sets of friends and the first date we could all do was in April. (And I don't have a sparkly social life, just commitments!)

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:55:44

Some people we have text'ed haven't responded either btw. Some of these people we have spent large amounts of time traveling to weddings and birthday/holidays with over the past year which is why I am a bit pissed off.

But I do take on board the comments about FB.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 29-Jan-14 19:03:31

Are you sure these people like you both?

whois Wed 29-Jan-14 19:12:46

To be honest, it just doesn't sound like they lie you all that much! Not replying to texts, only wanting to talk about your work. Well, that's not very friend like. Also the thing about your DH thinking they won't want to see him now he can't help them out - who thinks that about their friends?

I feel your anger about people being rubbish in January for your birthday. I have a Jan birthday and usually don't bother, but this year I did and had a really surprisingly large turn out with minimal badgering. Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful.

In summary yes you are not being U to feel upset but it does sound like yor actual close friends are busy, and some just aren't really your friends!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:03

Have I read right, you only gave two weeks notice? That's no way near enough! I would need at least two months due to work and DC. People tend to have plans.

I agree about doing it via fb, I tend to forget about fb events and see who replies first.

Poppylovescheese Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:14

I agree with arethereanyatall. If they wanted to see you a nd spend time with you they would come.

tinyturtletim Wed 29-Jan-14 19:15:54

I will come.. grin

not helpful I know.

RainbowSpiral Wed 29-Jan-14 19:17:15

Are you inviting couples with children who will need babysitting? If so that will be why they can't come as lots of people have no babysitting. Otherwise I would phone or email around all the ones that you have just invited on Facebook. And make sure people know what the party is like e.g. booze and buffet from 8-12 for House Warming, or whatever. A vague "open house" type thing will get less people.
Good Luck.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 19:19:45

No one has any children (except one and tbh we don't expect her to come as it is a baby but didn't want to leave her out either).

We are generally given a couple of week's notice for their events, which we generally go to or at least respond to and explain. The ones we haven't been able to go to are ones where we are given a few hours notice. We all live in or around London.

I never look at lists to see who else is going to an event if it is FB and that is bitchy and nasty and calculating.

Thebignamechange Wed 29-Jan-14 19:25:28

2 weeks generally would not be enough notice for me personally.
I know my friends baby shower on FB didn't look like it would be well attended but actually a lot of people turned up that hadn't rsvp

manicinsomniac Wed 29-Jan-14 19:28:00

I would be absolutely gutted. I don't know if YABU to be angry but YA certainly NBU to be upset.

I don't think YABU to use facebook either. My entire life with my friends who aren't geographically close is conducted via facebook - several meets a year all over the country for 10-15 people. Never been a problem with the medium before. For geographically close people I use a mixture of facebook, phone and face to face. It's email that I would say is awkward to use and a bit old fashioned.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 19:35:21

I agree with Nanny.

A Facebook invitation comes across as less important to people, especially if there are large numbers invited.

I don't think that people who don't want to come to a party are saying that they don't want to spend time with you, how much time do you spend with each person when you are hosting a relatively big event at home anyway? Maybe if it was an invitation for dinner with three couples including yourselves, you would have people be delighted at the invitation.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 19:37:48

@woowooowl I get what you are saying but one of these couples we invited to a bbq, just them and us, and they cancelled 30 mins before hand. Their excuse? They were tierd.

DP is in his wedding party this year! It is such mixed messages....

PenelopeLane Wed 29-Jan-14 19:39:31

I'm the same as nanny up thread, I don't tend to respond to FB invites either and am no old codger myself, unless there are only a small no invited (ie under 15) or the person has mentioned it to me otherwise in person or by email/message just to me. It doesn't matter what the medium is, but something just to me. The only FB invites I respond to tend to be those that have followed up a conversation or personal message.

It may sound silly, but unless I get a personal invite, I feel like I'm being invited to make up numbers at a party rather than being asked for my company specifically, in which case I don't put as much value on the invite.

I never look at lists to see who else is going to an event if it is FB and that is bitchy and nasty and calculating.

Or, that you are shy and want to know if you'll have someone to talk to there, especially if it's a bigger event and you only really know the host?

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 19:46:47

Wow! Your friends cancelled with 30 mins notice! Are you sure these people are your friends?

Do you think that maybe the fact that you haven't been in contact with anyone for 3 months has been taken the wrong way and your friends think you can't be arsed with them? I appreciate you have been there for them in the past but maybe somehow you have given people the wrong impression about you.

That or someone has been spreading stories about you!

Whatisaweekend Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:20

Two weeks notice is not enough especially when for a potentially busy day like Friday or Saturday. Also not everyone looks at Facebook all the time (I go on about once a month but I do appreciate that I am weird - poss your friends are on it more). So I think YAB a little but U.

Apart from the friends who ditched with 30 mins notice because they were "tired". That is crap and rude. Ditch 'em.

ROARmeow Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:44

>steps into whole other world<

I am late-20s too, have never had a Facebook account so haven't had to deal with such flakey and cheeky friends as you seem to have, OP.

But one thing that does get my goat is that some friends, actual friends, only seem to send round huge FB invites to events. The when it's mentioned in passing either before or after the event I'll remind him/her that I don't have FB so didn't know about the event. Cue much eye rolling and "oh you should get FB cuz it's so much easier" hmm

People seem to have just lost the grasp of basic good manners - such as RSVPing. YANBU to be annoyed at your friends, esp as it's happened before.

But show your good manners (and indirectly pull them up on their lack of manners) by ringing some/all of them to get clarity or contacting them directly, not as a group shout-out.

Reduction Wed 29-Jan-14 20:00:51

I think it probably has to do with the FB invite. Somehow a FB message doesn't seem like something that needs to go on your to do list in the same way that a phone call or a shock piece of paper does and by the time they got your text reminder the notice was too short.

One other thought occurs though. 48 is a lot to have at a house party. Is the new house very large? Is there an element of showing off that people may have taken exception to?

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:03:19

We have already texted/called half of them two weeks ago as mentioned upthread. We have just called round the rest but haven't heard back yet.

I called all people without Facebook accounts before sending out the rest of the invites. Interestingly they all responded, and the one person who could come was one of them hmm

Funnily enough the friends who cancelled with 30 mins notice have otherwise been ok. I think we do just have v crap/disorganised/flakey/late friends, but whenever they have been called on this they have been quite angry so I'm not sure what to do tbh. Other than never see any of them again which is how I am feeling this evening.

Quinteszilla Wed 29-Jan-14 20:04:41

Do your friends usually make mass invites to things on Facebook, or are their invites more personal?

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:05:17

@reduction we didn't expect them all to come. Maybe half? And we can fit 20 odd into the living room/kitchen area for drinks.

We do have a larger flat now than the last one but it isn't showing off, we moved here due to DP's lack of permanent salary as we coulnd't afford the rent on our last flat. We wanted to make the move out to be a 'good thing' with the house warming sad

Owllady Wed 29-Jan-14 20:05:27

They sound like fair weather friends, as my mum would say sad
Unfortunately having a very disabled child in my early 20s meant I have a good chaff from the wheat experience wrt friends

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:06:12

@quinteszilla is it usually mass FB invites for house parties in the future. Text/calls for impromtu gatherings in a few hours

Reduction Wed 29-Jan-14 20:13:14

"I called all people without Facebook accounts before sending out the rest of the invites. Interestingly they all responded, and the one person who could come was one of them"

There you are then, rightly or wrongly, FB invites don't seem to get the desired result

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:14:33

We also texted/called half of the people who we sent FB invites too. Some of them haven't responded and the ones who have responded say they can't come

BuggersMuddle Wed 29-Jan-14 20:19:57

FB is awful for this IMO. I often don't notice I have FB invites to be honest and then it looks like I've just been included as part of a mass invite.

I don't necessarily feel obliged to respond in the same way I would to even a personal email. And as I say, I was invited to a bash recently that I didn't respond to because I didn't even notice due to the amount of notifications I had that day. (It was when DP said 'you were invited to Xs and I wasn't and I was 'eh?').

Spaulding Wed 29-Jan-14 20:21:21

If I receive a Facebook invite and a large number of people are invited, I tend to assume the person has just clicked "Select all" or something when creating the event. They may have selected me because they want me there, but Facebook invites make it impossible to know because you're just a name on a long list of people.

If I'm invited to something via Facebook by a good friend, they'll send me a text as well telling me about it at the same time. "Did you get my Facebook invite? I'm trying to get everyone together. I've invited so-and-so and whats-his-name said he's up for coming" That kind of thing. Much more personal than a mass Facebook invite.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:23:30

"If I'm invited to something via Facebook by a good friend, they'll send me a text as well telling me about it at the same time. "Did you get my Facebook invite? I'm trying to get everyone together. I've invited so-and-so and whats-his-name said he's up for coming" That kind of thing. Much more personal than a mass Facebook invite."

For the last time I did. Read the thread.

curiousuze Wed 29-Jan-14 20:29:10

I think the problem is notice period. A fortnight just isn't enough! I am boring as fuck (and old, and have a kid) and I have things on almost every weekend in February already! It might be that a lot of them are doing 'dry January' and have planned big boozy nights out for the Friday or Saturday already. You just don't know.

When I used to bother having birthday dos, I used to honestly give people 2 months warning. When I lived outside London I didn't have to give people as much notice though.

curiousuze Wed 29-Jan-14 20:30:07

Also I wonder if the BBQ cancelling couple had a massive barney just before they were due to come round and were too mortified to admit it smile

Lagoonablue Wed 29-Jan-14 20:30:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would be pissed off too. This is why I don't do parties. I would worry no one would turn up.

Bowlersarm Wed 29-Jan-14 20:34:47

Of course YANBU.

How rude of your flakey friends.

shewhowines Wed 29-Jan-14 20:45:09

I'm too old now to enjoy making small talk with a bunch of strangers, although I loved it when I was younger. I nearly always find an excuse to avoid big parties or events where i don't know anyone. Now if you were to invite me to dinner with a select bunch of people I am already friends with...

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:47:02

Btw most of my friends know each other and most of dps friends know each other. A lot have met before as we have been together 5 years and they have occassionally, in the past turned up to our events, albeit two hours late.

Morloth Wed 29-Jan-14 20:49:49

It is a bad time for a party IMO.

We are all partied out, big December and a holiday in Jan.

Now it is back to work and kids and school etc.

I have declined 2 invitations for the next couple of weeks, I just don't have the energy along with everything else starting up again.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:50:27

However @she we are looking at inviting some people who cant make it over for dinner, as well as the meet ups we are already planning with people who gave swift declines as we appreciate some people may just prefer this

I would point out we have gone to a lot of people's events/parties/weddings and small talked with their friends who we may not have met before on frequent occassion!

shewhowines Wed 29-Jan-14 20:51:43

I'd still rather have a meal/drink with a few close friends than a big party even if I know everybody there.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:52:10

I have made my feelings on using time of year as an excuse clear upthread.

shewhowines Wed 29-Jan-14 20:52:28


ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:53:22

@she so would I sometimes, but I dont dictate to these friends and neither have any people suggested we do that with them at another date either

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:54:24


shewhowines Wed 29-Jan-14 20:54:31

I can see why you are hurt. I would be too.

Twighlightsparkle Wed 29-Jan-14 20:55:56

What a shame. Well 48 friends is a lot of friends, I'd have a fab time with those who can come and see how things pan out with the others!

I don't even have 7 friends! Seriously

Morloth Wed 29-Jan-14 20:57:52

You think of it as an excuse and I think of it as a reason.

I would drag us to a kiddies party but I would expect another adult to understand.

An invitation is not a summons.

Just reschedule.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:58:06

@twighlight nor do i right now! Sob!

plutarch14 Wed 29-Jan-14 21:00:47


It was my birthday this month and I invited about 10 people on FB. Most responded, a couple didn't but then later told me they had meant to click 'no' but forgot. I only gave a week's notice (which was a bit bad). We are all late 20s. I did only invite close friends though, so a smaller number than you invited.

I would at least expect people to click 'no' - how hard is it (unless you're dithering about whether to go and forget)? It's one thing to be invited to a thing which has like 200 invites like a club night or something, then you know it basically doesn't matter whether you go or not, but still easy to say no if you know you're busy.

They were rude, imo, and don't sound like very good friends.

Our group all use facebook for invites, either creating an event or for smaller do's a group message. We are round about 30. I do this for family things too as group chatting is easiest. If I was invited to a house party by a friend that has been quite flakey for a while (and perhaps taken themselves off the radar?) and I saw a large number of people invited (46 is a massive amount for a house party!) then I probably wouldn't bother. I would be assuming that there would plenty of other people there. Also, so many people invited to an intimate party, and house parties are intimate, may be a little off putting if you don't know everyone.

But they di still sound like shit friends - find some new ones, and scale down the numbers a little, quality not quantity!

NearTheWindmill Wed 29-Jan-14 21:03:40

Party invites - three weeks in advance and in writing - a nice written invitation would be taken seriously. I'm ancient I know but I wouldn't accept a Facebook invitation - I'd think it informal and would't bother.

Yika Wed 29-Jan-14 21:04:22


It's irrelevant whether you have enough notice or January is a bad month. They should reply yes or no! You don't need a months notice to say thanks a lot but we can't make it!

I would be furious and really hurt.

This kind of lackadaisical behaviour around invites seems to be increasingly the norm and I just can't stand it. It's an effort to organise a party and people ought to recognise that and take the trouble to acknowledge that and thank you for the invite, regardless of whether they can go.

Ouf. Rant over.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 21:05:14

I never said it was a summons. As described above i have rescheduled separate meet ups with some people who cant make it. I am mostly cross with people who have received two invites and responded to neither.

Btw if 'time of year' is an excuse am i ok to ignore everyone else's birthdays for the rest of the year? I know this isnt about birthdays but DP just sat down and worked out we did make every birthday (bar the one we cocked up on moving day) leaving do, engagement, new baby and wedding event last year despite outrageous unplanned busyness in the last three months and financial uncertainity. We made an effort no? They can at least respond.

fromparistoberlin Wed 29-Jan-14 21:07:49

aww OP it sucks, as whatever way you slice it you do take it personally

I had similar with DS2 christening

I am only just now, a bit, getting over it.

I sympathise

AddToBasket Wed 29-Jan-14 21:08:24

I do feel for you - it is crap to have a party with no guests.

I know you have 'made your feelings clear' about the time-of-the-year 'excuse', but you are going to HAVE to accept that this is about how your guests feel about accepting an invitation in January (even if it is for the beginning of February) -not about whether the 'excuse' is good enough for you. They don't need an excuse, they can just say no.

Also, if someone invites me to something with 48 people going, I don't feel very crucial to the event and immediately feel less of an obligation than if someone phones me and asks if me and DH want to go over for dinner as they'd love me to meet X. FB just isn't personal enough and combined with January-can't-be-arsed might well mean I forgot to reply.

I think your DP is wrong about this being to do with his job issues. It's not about you guys, IMO.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 21:16:20

@near the windmill next event im organising (if there is one) i am going to use a town crier!

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 21:18:56

Btw i get what people are saying about large number of invitees . However, previously we have kept things small and have had smilar, though not quite so bad, levels of crap response. And we got stung with bbq couple at the end of last summer! So this one we just thought fuck it, lets just invite everyone. I get this may not have been a wise decision?

Morloth Wed 29-Jan-14 21:21:05

It is absolutely fine to decline any invitations for birthdays throughout the year if you don't want to go.

I agree they should respond either way, but I am not hurt when someone says they can't come to something and I wouldn't organise anything for now because we are all partied out.

It is just the way it is.

There is no point being hurt, I seriously doubt they are trying to hurt you, it is just circumstances.

Marnieshere Wed 29-Jan-14 21:38:57

YaNbu. They sound like users! hmm

DustyBaubles Wed 29-Jan-14 22:00:14

I know you were busy over Christmas, but do you hold parties quite a lot?

Perhaps people have just had enough of the same old thing. Housewarmings for 48 people, and December parties to celebrate the end of your busy period don't exactly scream that the guests were chosen because they are dear friends.

Perhaps they feel that you wanted a party at a time convenient to you, and we're just randomly inviting anyone you could think of.

There comes a time in most peoples lives where big parties (unless required for work) are just tiresome. I know you said you've tried smaller parties and had a similar response, perhaps your friends are outgrowing the party thing.

Such a consistent reluctance to attend does suggest that something in particular is putting them off.

Spaulding Wed 29-Jan-14 22:32:14

For the last time I did. Read the thread.

I read the entire thread before replying. You said,

"We invited via Facebook (we are late 20s if thta makes a difference) and a follow up text (for about half of them) two weeks in advance. Admittedly we haven't text/called the remainder."

So if I was one of the ones whose only form of communication from you was a Facebook invite for 47 others, then I might feel that I was just "one of many" invited. Big Facebook invites can seem that way if that's the only form of invite you've received.

yetanotherstatistic Wed 29-Jan-14 22:37:44

Would it have anything to do with your business? I have a friend with a business which she really believes in but meetups have become all about the business and selling to us.

People are avoiding her as they can't afford to spend just after xmas and find that all the chat revolves around the business. Also I guess people might feel guilty about your dh's position and be thinking they have been invited to give him a leg up.

Reduction Wed 29-Jan-14 22:42:29

Oh God yes yetanother. I have one of those. I have had to ask her to stop trying to sell to me. I know she believes on what she's selling but I have strong feelings the other way.

NotNewButNameChanged Thu 30-Jan-14 00:15:24

I do think it's rude to not reply at all to texts but have to agree with the chorus of Facebook invites being overlooked. I have about 400 people on my Facebook and get invited to around 5 things a week - party, a show someone is in, a concert someone is playing in. It's very easy to overlook or ignore because a lot of them are very scattershot and inviting 50, 100, 150, 200 people depending on the event. For anything properly personal, I would never use Facebook.

I am turning 40 in March. I am not doing anything major, but have hired a room in a decent pub, just laying on drinks, nibbles, cake. I sent out humorous invites - printed on 'posh' paper but individually named - and asked people to RSVP by 8 Feb, one month before the event. I sent the invites out on 8 Jan, so giving 2 months' notice. I've heard back from nearly all of them by now.

If I occasionally find I am free on a Friday or Saturday night I might text a few people to see if anyone else is free for a drink or takeaway. Anything remotely party-ish and I'd be giving at least 4 weeks' notice as I know most people I know are like me and very busy. I've just looked at my calendar and I've only got one free Saturday before Easter left.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 30-Jan-14 02:22:14

Op how annoying.
I would be hurt.
Three times recently is not nice and shouldn't just be blamed on flakiness.
Do your friends really enjoy your dp friends?

JessieMcJessie Thu 30-Jan-14 06:06:00

Did you add a proper narrative to your invitation, an explanation of how sorry you were to have been busy and how much you'd love to catch with them all? If it was just Ethel and Bob, housewarming you probably didn't sell it well enough. And if I saw 46 invitees I'd generally work on the basis that if I didn't come you'd still have plenty and wouldn't miss me.

Also,people can be funny about housewarmmings- nice new houses make some people jealous.

That said, we recently had a party and people who didn't come but didn't reply to say they weren't coming I thought really rude.

AbouttoCrack Thu 30-Jan-14 06:15:34

If be phoning round to chase up responses. If they are not accepting your calls either though, you know you've got a problem.

ethelb Thu 30-Jan-14 08:16:44

We called round the rest of them last night and got a bunch of maybes

Yika Thu 30-Jan-14 15:57:35

Bloody hell. Maybe indeed. Hope lots end up coming but you call it off with half an hour's notice because you're 'tired'. Heh heh.

ethelb Thu 30-Jan-14 17:18:41

Yika I know! With 72 hours to go that is quite rude isnt it?

I appreciate what has been said about fb, notice period etc and have taken it on board however a bunch of maybes just suggests they are bitchy bastards who are holding out for something better with three days to go! Gits hmm

brettgirl2 Thu 30-Jan-14 17:25:32

I had to turn a short notice housewarming invited down yesterday, definitely not the same one.

If I'm having a gathering then I double check the few people I really want to come before inviting others.

I never understand why people don't respond to invites though, how hard is it to say 'doesn't work for us, sorry? 'confused

PenguinDancer Thu 30-Jan-14 18:24:05

I'm early 20s and wouldn't be impressed with an FB invite....

plus you 'let them off' your birthday?

Er, what?? shock

A friend of mine who had to 'et me off' would be quickly dumped.

All of your posts come across to me as a demanding friend.

It sounds like they just don't like you that much, sorry.

Quinteszilla Thu 30-Jan-14 18:43:08

They are not necessarily holding out for something better, but for someone interesting to attend.

I suppose, from all the mass facebook invited I have received, I have only attended one (close friends made their babys Christening an event on FB), but been very keen to see who else was going before bothering to reply....

Quinteszilla Thu 30-Jan-14 18:44:17

I actually think a FB invite is pretty synonymous with using a town crier!

It is a pretty random thing, a shout out in your circle.

wouldbemedic Thu 30-Jan-14 20:17:23

I'm sorry you're hurt but you sound very sure of what your friends owe you. I agree with others that it's the facebook thing probably keeping people away (especially when it's visible that not many are attending). At the same time, I wouldn't expect to go off the map for three months, then expect attendance at a house warming party (requiring a gift and not even a birthday) especially when the invite was clearly made to all and sundry. I wouldn't care what you had done for me in the past. Nothing would be worth encountering that attitude for.

phantomnamechanger Thu 30-Jan-14 20:33:56

sorry OP but you are coming across as someone who expects to click their fingers and everyone will come running to spend time with you because you are so wonderful and they should feel so honoured to be invited that they drop all other commitments and do as you wish. That really is how this is reading IMHO.

However, I also agree in general that FB is naff for inviting people (because it seems like a general all inclusive list not a hand picked gathering of people you want to be with) and also agree that people who don't even bother to RSVP to an invite are beyond rude.

ethelb Thu 30-Jan-14 20:53:27

"requiring a gift"

I'm sorry dear you have actually gone delusional and are imagining things.

phantomnamechanger Thu 30-Jan-14 20:58:40

you might not require or expect a gift, but etiquette says that if you are invited to someone's house be it for drinks/dinner or in this case a housewarming, you at least take a bottle of wine or some flowers for the host/hostess.

ethelb Thu 30-Jan-14 20:59:39


phantomnamechanger Thu 30-Jan-14 21:07:23

and so that means that whether you intend it or not, your invitation is not without cost to your friends, who may not have the cash to spare on attending your do. January credit card bills post christmas and all that.

so you saying requiring a gift - I'm sorry dear you have actually gone delusional and are imagining things is quite rude, as I am sure MOST people would assume a gift was necessary as the polite thing to do in these circumstances.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 21:39:01

ethelb... You sound a bit earnest about this really. I too have a January birthday and it's a month that people are just recovering from Christmas. It's a fact. If it bothers you that much then reschedule your birthday to a more appropriate date like the Queen does.

You're also getting tetchy with people who are giving you possible reasons why your friends don't want to attend - and they obviously don't. Your last "and?" is really quite aggressive. I too wouldn't consider you a friend if I had to be 'let off' to not attend an event.

This is the thing about invitations; they are just that, not summons and people are free to decline. If you're as close as you say you and your husband are to these 40 people, ask them - non-aggressively - why they don't seem to want to socialise with you.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 30-Jan-14 21:50:47

Iif I ask friends to attend my party they would give one f only 2 responses 1)yes, can't wait or 2)no, can't make it, gutted I'll miss it. No one would say 'maybe'. This is because they're my friends, they like me and I like them. A maybe response, I'm afraid, means they don't like you much. I wouldvstop wondering what's wrong with them, and look in the mirror. Sorry, but that's what I've thought throughout this thread and your responses to other people which haven't been particularly pleasant, have confirmed this.

ivanapoo Thu 30-Jan-14 21:55:38

Do you know these friends through work?

ivanapoo Thu 30-Jan-14 21:58:13

Maybe because you gave them grief when they were late to your party last time it's put them off?

A close friend of mine's birthday is the start of January.
Her birthday party is usually one of the busiest out of all our friends, because she's lovely and people want to see her... Just saying.

phantomnamechanger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:02:41

If I was feeling really naughty, I would suggest that maybe all the friends have got another outing lined up, together, and have not invited the OP

we have all been honest OP and given lots of helpful suggestions about possible genuine reasons why people cant come - not enough notice, feeling of mass invitation rather than close personal invite ( especially true if many of these friends consider themselves just your acquaintances not dear friends), post christmas cash flow/diet etc, something else already on.

You in turn have just been plain rude to us. I get that you are miffed with rude people who have not replied at but maybe you do need to look closely & honestly and think what's putting them off?

BrianTheMole Thu 30-Jan-14 22:04:48

Yanbu op. I'd cancel the lot, have a nice meal instead and some fiz. And start making some new friends too.

Mia4 Thu 30-Jan-14 23:09:16

Are you sure they are your friends op? Or that you have to pissed them off. For such a large number to ignore or blow you out or say maybe at this stage it sounds like they have dome kind of issue with you.

Especially hearing that 13 of them were once all 2 hours late! That strikes me as coordinated lateness. Too many for coincide unless they were all travelling together.

Yanbu to be annoyed. I'd cancel and just blow them off for the ones who did reply or the ones who had good reason. Perhaps maybe ask your good friend if you have done something to offend or annoy because you were surprised how many were not interested or non committal. You may find out theres nothing and you just happen to have friends like this, in which case you can decide what to do if anything. Or you might sadly be surprised.

Mia4 Thu 30-Jan-14 23:10:16

Or that you haven't pissed them off that should be

DoJo Thu 30-Jan-14 23:57:55

I have to say that you aren't covering yourself in glory on this thread, OP. I can understand why you are upset and that you feel hurt and angry by your friends, but the people on here are offering advice and suggestions to try and help and you are responding in a pretty aggressive way.
For example, you may not 'accept' that people are often very busy in January, but it doesn't make it any less true. Unless you can appreciate that your birthday being in January doesn't necessarily top people's list of priorities, you might be setting yourself up to be more disappointed than is warranted.
Alternatively, perhaps these people really aren't as good friends as you think. Perhaps they aren't prepared to make much effort for you as you are for them. It sounds like that might be the case, and that is a shame. Nobody likes to think that they aren't good company, but maybe you just haven't got as much in common with a lot of these people as you thought. I hope that you do enjoy your party and that more people turn up than you are currently expecting.

Quinteszilla Fri 31-Jan-14 00:07:42

I think this thread shows why nobody is coming to OPs party. She is not coming across as a very nice person at all.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Fri 31-Jan-14 07:09:49

I am going to sound harsh, but i don't mean to hurt you.

I am always fascinated by these kind of threads. The lack of introspection and self awareness can be astonishing.

OP, i think it is time to look inwards. For that number of invites, and that kind of poor response, something is amiss with the way you and DH maintain friendships. There is no softer way of saying it.

Llareggub Fri 31-Jan-14 07:15:18

You really are a bit stroppy. Are you like this with your friends?

MinesAPintOfTea Fri 31-Jan-14 08:21:46

Op you have tried to organise three parties in a month if I'm reading correctly. That will make people less inclined to go to one because it feels like your parties for no big reason ate a regular requirement (and in my late twenties I haven't had a birthday party for a good few years). Scale it back, especially if a lot of it is business related.

Ilovexmastime Fri 31-Jan-14 19:13:55

Yanbu to be upset, but yabu to be annoyed. You sound like you think your friends owe you because you've attended all of their events. But this was your choice, and presumably you enjoyed going to them. However, they are not obligated to attend your parties because of this, that's not real friendship. And I think that's the crux of this problem, they don't sound like 'close' friends to me. I have a close friend whose birthday is in January, and although it's often the last thing I feel like doing, I make the effort to go on a big night out with her (and always end up enjoying it too!).

wouldbemedic Sun 02-Feb-14 00:42:40

OP, I hope you didn't collapse in tears at the way your thread ended. I understand it's a horrible feeling to have nobody come to your party and the thread probably ended up making that feeling worse. I do feel it was probably the facebook invite thing that led to the poor numbers rather than anyone disliking you as a friend - and nobody here is able to say you're not a good friend because we have only witnessed you spitting with rage and hurt in an anonymous place. Hope you've picked yourself up and manage to have a good weekend smile

grumpyoldbat Sun 02-Feb-14 09:37:42

OP I learned a while ago to never ever host a party for anything ever again. After the humiliating disaster of our wedding invitations and RSVPs (or more accurately lack of RSVP). I came to the conclusion it indicated what they thought of us so became more insular so they couldn't hurt me again.

For example I haven't had a girls night out since my hen night. I concentrate on work, study, my immediate family and get my entertainment from books, tv and internet.

thenamestheyareachanging Sun 02-Feb-14 11:02:07

I have to say I don't reply to facebook invitations. Not because I'm being rude but because I assume the people just sent it to everyone and I'm never sure if they actually want me there. Evfen when a very good friend made her dd's Christening a facebook event, I didn't respond and didn't go - but maybe it's m,e who doesn't understand modern etiquette. Of course, if they'd contacted me directly I would have gone and taken a nice present.

AnnaBegins Sun 02-Feb-14 18:37:56

Aw OP that is pretty shit. Is it maybe because you've moved a bit further out? I find that London people (and indeed people who have recently moved to London so should know better) tend to be so London centric that travelling anywhere is completely off their radar!

I had a birthday party in the summer, gave a month's notice, did a facebook email (so not an event, a private group message) to about 20 or so friends with immediate follow up text to say please check facebook. The 3 couples who came all travelled over an hour, one couple travelling 2 hours each way, and surprise surprise are all midlands based. All those who lived in London either didn't reply or said, oh it's too far away. It's 50 mins by train from Euston and I'll happily pick up from the station! The date had even been checked in advance with one of my best friends who then said, no that doesn't suit me.

What made it even more galling was that another friend had a facebook message thread at the same time inviting people to her London housewarming a week later and the same people who said no or gave no answer to mine were very enthusiastic about going to hers! Of course I went too, as it's not far to London...

If people expect you to make the effort for their birthdays/weddings/babies etc then they need to do likewise for you! Sounds like some straight talking is needed as they may not realise how you feel.

Ilovexmastime Mon 03-Feb-14 12:23:00

I'd just like to add, after re-reading my post, that I didn't mean to imply that you were a bad friend, rather that your 'close' friends are. It may be time to look for new friends.

newyearhere Mon 03-Feb-14 12:51:57

> I find that London people (and indeed people who have recently moved to London so should know better) tend to be so London centric that travelling anywhere is completely off their radar!

Yes I've found just the same with some people. They're happy to see you if you're in London but won't bother to venture anywhere else. It's as if it were a different planet sometimes!

RawShark Mon 03-Feb-14 13:07:09

Try not to take it personally. The majority of my friends make no effort with me and after fifteen years and actually coming to the conclusion I am not that bad I figure it is just the way my dynamic works. Or summat. Still lay awake feeling lonely last night though even though I put a program of focussing on people who actually contact me into practice!

I don't think three months is a long time to be out of touch at all, especially as you have been so frazzled. People who suggest this makes you a bad friend are clearly overly high maintenance themselves.Maybe just streamline your address book to the people who make time for you and stop chasing after those more casual friendships .

And get it out of your system on here so no snarky comments sneak past your lips in real life...

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