To think DP is being unfair carrying DD up and down the stairs

(87 Posts)
Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:09:40

I need some perspective on this, is DP being perfectly reasonable and making his own parental choices, or is he messing up my parenting of DD?

DD is 2.8yo, weighs 14kilos and is 95cm tall, so quite a big toddler. I have had trouble lifting her for a while so this autumn I introduced other alternatives. When we are out she can choose between walking and the buggy which works quite well but in the house she just has to make it up our flight of stairs by herself because I can no longer carry her (also pregnant at the moment so becoming less and less able to carry her anyway). She can choose to crawl up, or bum shuffle, or whatever, as long as she does it by herself.

The no carrying on the strairs rule was quite controvercial to introduce and was met by quite a few tears but I stuck to it and 90% of the time she was going up and down without fuss. Then DP intervened and said he would carry her. I did object but he said it was his choice and nothing to do with me. He said DD could learn to go up by herself with me and be carried by him.

A few weeks forward we now have a situation where DD goes ballistic at the mention of the stairs and screams until DP (who works from home) comes to carry her. DP is now due to go away for work (2 weeks, back a week and then away for a month, so quite a long time) and I fear I will have to re-train DD about the stairs and she seems to be more wound up about it that before.

I asked DP to re-teach her to go up and down by herself and he refused saying that it was he parenting choice. He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

I think he is being an arse.

Juno77 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:11:28

He is being an arse.

loveandsmiles Wed 29-Jan-14 17:12:43

Bum shuffling and crawling upstairs are bad enough, never mind carrying! Why has she never just walked up??

Rosa Wed 29-Jan-14 17:13:11

He is being silly ..she has to learn and at 2.8 she is easily ready to do stairs as you say vertical, on her bum crawling ..whatever.

painpaingoawaycomeagainanother Wed 29-Jan-14 17:13:24

I think he should have stayed on the same page as you because the mixed messages are causing her a lot of suffering.
If he wants to play good cop and have you be bad cop that's not kind to you either.
He has ignored your requests so he can seem like the good guy and needs to get on the same hymn sheet as you for everyone's sake.

arabellarubberplant Wed 29-Jan-14 17:15:33

Does she have mobility issues, op? At 2.8 she should be more than capable of managing the stairs?
I ask because dd2 had to crawl for years up stairs, but really it was unsafe otherwise - she was too big to carry and I was terrified of over balancing with the difference centre of gravity. Even at 10 she terrifies me on the stairs, but at least manages them upright now.

Well, id use the time he is away to get her totally forgetting about being carried up.and down the stairs.

How annoying that he continually chooses to undermine you - hope he doesnt continue as she grows!

Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:16:40

loveandsmiles she can and does go up and down the stairs properly, but if she is bored/tired/I don't know what, she has the option to go up on all fours or down on her bum. What I meant is that I try to give her options rather than say "my way or the highway". There is no indication of a physical problem.

livelablove Wed 29-Jan-14 17:17:15

Well I think she might sense it is an issue between you and DP and so she is using it to get some attention from Daddy. It is easier to not let it be a big deal and to just say if Daddy is home he will carry you but if not you have to walk. 2.5 is old enough to understand that. Dont give in just say Mummy cant do it any more as not strong enough and stick to it 100%. You could give her a small reward when she does it with you.

lljkk Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:06

I think maybe your DH needs to not work from home. That would suit this fast.

LurcioLovesFrankie Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:32

Crumbs, I am a really slack parent then. We moved from a flat to a house with stairs when DS was 11 months. Within about 2 weeks, he'd made it all the way up both sets of stairs to the attic under his own steam (obviously with me watching) and within another couple of weeks was coming down again (again, supervised). Admittedly until about 4 he liked to be carried up at bedtime, but then I put my foot down 'cos my back just wouldn't take it any more.

Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:24:04

arabellarubberplant I am not aware of a physical problem but if there was one of course I would re-think the whole thing. DD has never been very agile, she never crawled, bum shuffled instead, and for a long time fell down like a log without bending her knees or putting her arms out. I have brought this up with the paediatrician and, for unrelated reasons she also saw a metabolic bone disease specialist, but neither thought it was a problem. They both suggested exercises to strengthen her upper body which have helped a lot.

loveandsmiles Wed 29-Jan-14 17:26:40

Apologies, I misunderstood. Your DP should be supporting you. IMO it is dangerous for you to carry DD on the stairs, especially if you are pregnant ~ terrifying to think of the consequences if you fell.

Hopefully when he is away you can break this habit. Would a reward chart work? Good luck x

Nanny0gg Wed 29-Jan-14 17:27:50

Ask your idiot DP exactly what he expects to happen when he's away?

What will he do if both you and DD fall because of his undermining attitude?

Wow. He is being VU! Can't he see how much distress he'll be responsible for (in his dd as well as dw) when he goes away.

Also, carrying a 2.8 year old up and down stairs is madness. My dd has done stairs on her own (with me there to catch her if she trips) since 18 months. My 11 month old goes upstairs independently (with me there in case) now.

Poloholo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:29:56

He is being an arse and being inconsiderate of his pregnant wife who will have to cope for substantial periods on her own. Comparing it to breast feeding is ridiculous.

However I think at that age children can understand that different limitations may apply with different people so if he continues to be an arse then I'd hope she can learn that she needs to do it differently with you.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:30:04

Your DP isn't doing anything wrong by carrying his child upstairs, and you are doing anything wrong by refusing to.

Your dd will have to get used to adults doing things differently because it will soon be happening in all areas of her life, and it is something she is old enough to understand.

You won't need to retrain your dd because she will still remember how to do it, you just need to encourage. This is the sort of thing that sticker/reward charts were invented for.

Madmammy83 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:32:50

"His parenting choice"? Sorry??!! Tell him to cop himself on, how would he feel if his pregnant partner had a fall or accident due to his "parenting choice". Fucking idiot, you don't breastfeed for comfort, you breastfeed TO FEED YOUR CHILD. He's being an absolute wanker, what's going to happen when the new baby comes, is the little girl going to be precious just because Daddy will come home and grant her every wish? Maybe you could carry one in each arm? I'd KILL him.

Pimpf Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:14

He is being an utter arse

paperlantern Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:15

he is absolutely being an arse and very undermining

Pimpf Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:43

He is also teaching her that if she screams and has a tantrum, she will get her own way. Nice one

ProfPlumSpeaking Wed 29-Jan-14 17:36:56

I would be inclined to investigate further. If your DD will cry and scream not to go up/down the stairs, you cannot rule out the possibility that it is causing her some kind of pain, or else that she is frightened of falling for some reason. How is her speech? Can you ask her about it?

If and when you are CERTAIN there are no physical issues then your DP should support you with the no carry rule. If, OTOH, there is the chance that it is physically difficult/ painful for her then she should be carried when your DP is there, and you need to find some other solution (sorry, not sure what - bedroom downstairs?) for when your DP is not there.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:38:26

How could the OP falling down the stairs possibly happen as a result of him carrying his child? confused

I think it's understandable that a parent who is away from their child a lot, as this man is, is likely to make his time with her as enjoyable as possible.

If a man can't even carry his own two year old up to bed, then there is something seriously wrong.

hoppingmad Wed 29-Jan-14 17:38:59

What's this got to do with you bf'ing? He's being a petulant arse.
On a different angle climbing stairs is a very good exercise for toddlers to master - it helps with coordination, balance and muscle development. Perhaps put it to him that it is actually beneficial to her.
He sounds like he's locked in a daft power struggle. He's picked a pretty ridiculous battle that never needed to be an issue

goblindancer Wed 29-Jan-14 17:39:07

He is being an arse (and weird!). My dc has been going up/down the stairs since she was 11 months. I can't imagine carrying a nearly 3yo. What are his reasons?!

liquidstate Wed 29-Jan-14 17:39:17

He is an idiot.

headoverheels Wed 29-Jan-14 17:39:30

Just another perspective. My Mum never carried my DC after they were a few months old because she has a bad back. My DC never seemed to find it confusing that I carried them and she didn't. So I do think there is room for different parenting styles and you and DH don't always have to agree on everything.

Isn't it causing him more hassle than you if he keeps having to stop work to come and carry her?!

SaltyandSweet Wed 29-Jan-14 17:40:56

Agree with WooWooOwl - I'm similar to you OP in that I had to stop carrying my pfb as he was too heavy for me whilst my DH was still able to. We were lucky in that we didn't have stairs. The struggle was when we were out and about and even though definitely not tired of walking yet (e.g. out of the house 5 mins), my DS used to insist on being carried for awhile, walk for awhile, carried etc. I explained to DS that mummy couldn't walk too far whilst carrying him and offered my hand to hold and played games (spot the cat etc). When DH was with us he would still carry him occasionally and I thought this was fine - DS learned that it was different with mummy and with daddy and I just continued my way (no, DS, mummy can't walk and carry you at the same time). We had a few tantrums but they passed pretty quickly.

I'd explain to your DD that she's too heavy for you to safely carry her on the stairs but once you get upstairs/downstairs you can have a cuddle, a tickle etc. Cheery but matter of fact and ignore the tantrums. Oh and your DH needs to stop coming running to ferry her up and down the stairs when she starts screaming if you are the one who's taking her up/down. That is not part of his parenting choice, that part is interfering imo.

hugoagogo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:44:00

Woowoo did you miss the bit where the op said her dh works from home and comes to carry dd up the stairs everytime she wants to go? Not just bed time.

crazykat Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:34

At 2.8 she doesn't need carrying up or down the stairs unless poorly. My ds2 has been going up the stairs by himself (with me or DH behind) since he was 11 months. He gets carried down because he isn't safe yet.

As long as she's safe - which she should be at her age - then there's no reason to be carried up and down. Occasionally my DH will carry one of ours upstairs when they are playing but its very occasionally. If your DH carrying her is causing you problems then he needs to stop as its not fair to you or your dd having mummy say no and daddy say yes.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:43

I did actually, but I think there's a difference between him intervening when there's a tantrum already going on and getting on with what he would do naturally.

It's not ok for him to step in and undermine OP when she has already told her dd to do something, but it is ok for him to do it his own way when he's looking after her.

nennypops Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:55

Does he seriously think that you chose to breastfeed out of some sort of selfish motivation to exclude him from being able to comfort dd by feeding her? Was he happy to pay for all the bottle feeding paraphernalia and deal with all the hassle involved? And would he have seriously preferred to be responsible for night feeds?

He is being an arse, clearly. It's pathetic enough that he views this as some sort of tit for tat thing, but he is choosing to submit dd to a lot of misery when he is away rather than reintroduce stairclimbing in a gradual non-stressful way now.

Iworrymyselftosleep Wed 29-Jan-14 17:56:45

I think he's an utter arse.

I would let her scream. Sorry. I've never done much CIO but I do think in this instance, with a stubborn little one, you have to 'win'. You cant carry her - esp pregnant or with a newborn so she has to learn. Daddy being all indulgent and hero rescuer is just causing his daughter distress. Nice work big lad. Twat.

matildamatilda Wed 29-Jan-14 17:57:04

In a way it's good he's going away, right?

"Daddy's away, remember? Let's go upstairs and have your book. Oh, you don't want to come up the stairs? Okay, I'll read the book without you."

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 29-Jan-14 18:01:02

I fell down the stairs carrying DD when she was 15 months old, she was unhurt I was really badly injured and had months of pain afterwards. She was never carried on the stairs again, once they are big enough to hold the bannister and walk safely that is what they should do for everyones safety.

The breastfeeding comment sounds like he is sort of punishing you.

vj32 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:14:06

DS is 2.8 and about 17kg. So HUGE. I am 33 weeks pregnant and physically cannot carry him up the stairs. Dh sometimes still does, usually when he takes him to bed.

This has only been a problem a few times, mostly when he is tired. He asks to be carried, I refuse and tell him I can't carry him any more he is too big. Twice it has got as far as him refusing completely to go upstairs to have his nappy changed. So once I brought the stuff downstairs, once I told him he would just have to sit in poo until he was willing to walk up the stairs. Less than 5 mins later he gave in.

Just tell her you can't carry her and stick to it. Your DH isn't helping, but I don't think she will need retraining if you stick to the message that you can't carry her anymore.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Wed 29-Jan-14 18:22:04

He has completely undermined you and it has resulted in an upset child. Our job as a parent is to enable our children. As for his analogy about you choosing to breatsfeed...confused

Eatriskier Wed 29-Jan-14 18:22:49

Dh carries dd to nursery and back if he drops and collects. I literally can't though. Dd soon learned that daddy can do it but mummy can't. She doesn't even ask me anymore. A few 'that's your special thing with daddy' may help.

zeno Wed 29-Jan-14 18:23:20

I hear you op. I will spend lots of energy persuading dd that being able to do things independently is a good thing, then someone else just does it for her a few times and it sets us back. In the end she will do it independently all the time as she is pleased with being able to do it, but I often have to bite down the feeling of being undermined.

I also have physical issues that have made it difficult to carry dd. she has always been told that different adults are able or willing to do different things with her. At primary age now she accepts that completely and it's not an issue, but I did used to feel furious when someone else got her used to being carried around again, even though they were perfectly within their rights to offer her a carry. For a while I tried asking them not to, but in the end I realised it was my trouble, not theirs, and that dd would have to get used to being more independent with me than with others.

Anyway, my point is, I get what you're saying completely, but I don't think you can reasonably ask him not to carry her, even though it makes you feel cross. Your dd will learn and accept that there are differences in what adults can or will do, but it will take time and persistence.

MabelBee Wed 29-Jan-14 18:29:48

I think it is important when you have a child who doesn't have a natural inclination to do something like climb stairs, for you both to be consistent. I have a toddler who doesn't do anything without weeks or sometimes months of training. It undoes all of my hard work when other people baby her as she doesn't then progress.

You are justified in wanting this done your way.

TeacupDrama Wed 29-Jan-14 18:38:07

my DD is 4 now I occasionally carry her up to bed if she fell asleep in the car, she learnt to climb stairs about 1.5 she has not needed to be carried since then when she was younger i might if she was tired, unless your DD has problems a 2 year old is more than capable of managing stairs they need practice hold onto rial and no messing about on stairs i presume you do not have open stairs which can be a bit scary for wee ones and have a banister

unless a back story your DH is babying her

Shelby2010 Wed 29-Jan-14 19:20:45

Although children learn that adults do things differently, in this case DH is undermining you by carrying DD during the day when you are caring for her. If he persists I would make it as big an inconvenience as possible for him eg if he comes to take her upstairs then he might as well do the nappy change or whatever & then bring her down afterwards. Go up & down a lot and maybe he'll get fed up.

Alternatively (and probably more reasonably) I would use positive reinforcement to get DD back in the habit. Initially this might mean a smarty or chocolate button on every other stair to go up and maybe letting her throw a couple of soft toys down before coming down herself. With DH acting the 'good' cop, I think it will be easier to use rewards rather than exhausting yourself by waiting out the tantrums each time.

msmoss Wed 29-Jan-14 19:36:16

It's not unreasonable for him to carry her up the stairs if he wants, DS1 is a similar age and knows that Daddy will carry him sometimes but Mummy won't although this is out and about. He is being unreasonable to give in to her tantrum though.

I get DS to 'race' me up the stairs. He hates loosing and always seems to win wink which results in him getting to choose the first story.

FlockOfTwats Wed 29-Jan-14 20:01:02


My daughter is five this April and either her dad or his mum (not sure which one was doing it) would carry her everywhere and she expected it of me too, She is not a faint little thing and i just couldn't cope. I have back problems as it is.

She eventually learned shortly after turning four that mummy doesn't carry because in not as strong as her dad, but it took me getting pregnant for her to accept it without arguments.

FlockOfTwats Wed 29-Jan-14 20:06:02

Dainty little thing*

Deliah88 Wed 29-Jan-14 20:13:54

My partner carries our son up to bed, he's 2.7years, 18kg and 101cm so huge. I don't really see the problem. He can climb the stairs and come down. We put him in his sleeping bag downstairs before he goes to bed, so has to be carried.

Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 20:30:32

I don't know why she doesn't want to go up/down the stairs. After I worked on it last time (didn't give in, rewards, etc.) 90% of the time she would do it no problem, so the whole thing was resolved. I am just a bit disheartened that she has taken a massive step back.

I also resent the bf comment. DP has a massive chip about bf. He always comments that had I stopped earlier ('earlier' is any time earlier than 'now') it would have been really easy to stop (neither DD nor I want to stop), that bf has made her attached to me and shy, that bf excludes him, etc.

Then it really sounds like this is punishment. Perhaps he views BFing as something you do to deliberately exclude him and he has decided the stairs thing is a way of 'giving you a taste of your own medicine'. Which is pretty twisted.

StandingInLine Thu 30-Jan-14 08:50:09

My son was going up and down the stairs at about a year old ,and walking up and down them properly at about 18 months. She needs to learn herself so just leave her. Believe me ,she'll find a way up there.

Marcipex Thu 30-Jan-14 08:52:58

Yes, he is being an utter arse.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 09:00:32

He is being weird.

You need to address his issues about bf before the new baby comes, though.

mrswishywashy Thu 30-Jan-14 09:14:46

As a nanny I've quite often had difference in expectations of independence between the children's parents and I. What I've found is if either side are resistant or annoyed at what the other side is doing that is when the child will stick their heels in. She is old enough to understand that there are different rules in the world. Just keep it simple if you need her up stairs, warn her that we're going up stairs to do read a book/have a bath/get ready for bed etc, tell her its time and then you head up the stairs. Don't nag, don't show any reaction to her cries. If husband comes out to carry her up stairs then at least she is up. While husband is away then I expect there won't be so much carry on as there is no other option other than for her to climb the stairs.

MrsMook Thu 30-Jan-14 09:28:58

He is being unreasonable. DS1 is 3 and likes a "carry" or "piggyback" on the stairs sometimes, as a comfort thing. He does climb them independently, and knows if I'm carrying DS2 that I can't. I couldn't carry him last year when pg, or after the birth when SPD had me crawling on the stais. He understands that mummy and daddy have different methods, and that there are times when he can't choose to be carried. He's been using the stairs independently since he was 1, long before he walked.

Your situation is different as your DD needs that consistency to encourage independence, and your approach for practical reasons has been undermined. What would he expect you to do if she's still dependent on being carriec when DC2 is born? What would happen if you had a CS and couldn't pick her up for a prolonged period? (After DS1 was born, I had to use both hands on the stairs as I had no balance, and when DH returned to work, I had to pick a floor and DS had to stay on it until DH got home) How is he expecting you to manage when he's away?

With the BFing being raised as an issue, it sounds like there is a deeper underlying issue that needs discussion.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 30-Jan-14 09:30:12

Oh, I don't know. Obviously it's ridiculous carrying a 2yo up the stairs when they are more than capable of doing it themselves, but I would have thought it possible that she can adjust to things being different with you.

My dh tends to IMO baby our eldest, so does things like carries her bike for her or give her lifts when out (I can't because I'm pushing the buggy), and still occasionally carries her up the stairs -she's 3. But she copes fine and never even asks me to do those things.

What happens if you completely ignore her tantruming? Don't talk about her going up the stair s herself, just take it as read that she will and go up and down without her? She perfectly capable of following you so I don't think it's mean to just leave her to it.

holidaysarenice Thu 30-Jan-14 09:33:37

My dad carried me up to bed for years, ditto big brother at a time.

My mum...she'd have laughed at the suggestion. I'd have been sleeping in the hallway.

Its a no and that's final, you can stay there.

And yes dp is an arse.

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 11:24:18

We went and bought special up and down the stairs stickers today and DP has agreed to try and use them as well so we'll see what happens. I feel I have to address the bf issue as well but currently we both have the flu from hell so it's not the best time to get into it. Should we survive the flu (highly suspect!) I will try to get to the bottom of his bf problems (I've tried before but the discussion has never been very productive).

DoJo Thu 30-Jan-14 12:25:45

I don't agree that your husband is an arse just for having his own way of doing things with your daughter. My husband plays guitar to and with our son, but I can't so he learned at a much younger age than your daughter is that it's only worth asking one of us to play the guitar with him. Similarly, we have only just realised that we have completely different routines for putting our son to bed - his story time and lights out order works for him and mine works for me, and even when tired my son can accept that it happens in a different way with each of us.
Your daughter is old enough to understand that mummy does certain things one way and daddy does them another. Carrying vs walking up stairs isn't exactly a major parenting issue and I think you should all be able to cope with a little flexibility within your routine.

LayMeDown Thu 30-Jan-14 12:47:24

Gosh I think people are being harsh on your DP. You are perfectly right to decide yo can't carry her upstairs anymore, but if DP can why shouldn't he?
If this is a principled stand rather than a physical one (ie you strongly believe she shouldn't be carried at this age) than you should have discussed it with him before hand. You can't make parenting decisions uni laterally and expect the other parent to impose them without question.
If its just a matter that you physically aren't able then fine. You don't do it but Daddy does when he is here. My DD was 18 months when I got pregnant with my second. Even at that age she could grasp that Mummy couldn't carry her because of her sore back but Daddy could.
His bf argument is strange one. Maybe he does feel excluded, and you are obviously ignoring his opinions on it which must be frustrating for him. I don't know the answer tbh. I did extended bf with mine, but I suppose if H felt it was preventing him bonding with them as toddlers I would have at least listened to his views. It must be hurtful if your child constantly goes to the other parent for comfort.

Chattymummyhere Thu 30-Jan-14 13:15:02

You both need to agree and work together, we don't let our 2.2 year old do the stairs but she has hyper mobility, irritable hip, turnt in bone and is with a specialist...

cornflakegirl Thu 30-Jan-14 13:29:34

My 4yo and 8yo both like to be carried upstairs sometimes. It's a treat. So DP is NBU to carry her sometimes. He is completely unreasonable to do it to punish you. Good luck with sorting that. (I fed DS1 to 3yo and DS2 to 4yo, didn't stop either of them having a great attachment to DH.)

Just a thought - can being carried by DP be part of the reward for using the stairs by herself when she's with you?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 30-Jan-14 13:43:08

The problem isn't that you don't want to carry and she does. It is the fact you are married to an arse. His stupid attitude means he gets to piss off his wife and upset his daughter who may be confused by the change in routine now that Disney dad is carrying her again. Giving in to her tantrums is a recipe for disaster.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 30-Jan-14 13:43:51

*he not sheq

cafecito Thu 30-Jan-14 13:44:36

I don't think he is being an arse, actually. Simply tell her you cannot do it but he can sometimes - say yourback hurts, or you are pregnant. It won't ruin her being carried up and down the stairs. I am petite and have back pain but I still carry DS, 4, when he is distressed but I often say NO I can't today.

I think you're overanalysing his way of explaining it to you. She is distressed - it's normal to want to help

I also think you might want to keep in the back of your mind any possibility of mobility issues and watch out for any subtle signs.

blahblahblah2014 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:52:50

Why are you still BF a child that's nearly 3? Weird IMO....

blahblahblah2014 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:53:05

and especially if you are sick with the flu as you mentioned

JohnCusacksWife Thu 30-Jan-14 13:54:27

Surely the bigger issue is why a nearly 3 yr old has such an issue with stairs. It's a bit odd, isn't it? If you can sort that out then the carrying/not carrying problem disappears.

K8Middleton Thu 30-Jan-14 13:54:28

He sounds like a cock. And wtaf is the breastfeeding stuff all about? Sounds like he could do with a chat with a therapist to explore his issues so he can keep his arse-like tendencies for session discussion only and not at home.

He must have some amazing and as yet unmentioned qualities to make him worth putting up with.

Merrylegs Thu 30-Jan-14 14:00:32

Bf is 'your' thing. The carrying is his. He can't bf, you can't carry. He is being an idiot to compare the two, but it's obvious he is feeling excluded and possibly unsure around DD -are they both a little shy of each other?

nennypops Thu 30-Jan-14 14:11:23

Gosh I think people are being harsh on your DP. You are perfectly right to decide yo can't carry her upstairs anymore, but if DP can why shouldn't he?

Try reading the OP? He shouldn't because it has set back DD's progress, because she is using it to demand that Daddy carries her every time, because it is causing her severe distress when she can't be carried.

Acinonyx Thu 30-Jan-14 14:13:07

Presumably she only has an issue with the stairs because she likes daddy to carry her. Very similar here. I totally stopped carrying when dd was 3 - lots of tears and protests and they only way is to be 100% consistent even if you actually don't mind occasionally. Dh continued to carry her and she carried on begging him - but she knew not to ask me. It can work with different rules as long as you, yourself never give in.

Dh often carries her up to bed now and she's 8! He's going away soon and you can be sure I won't be doing it.

TeenAndTween Thu 30-Jan-14 14:16:09

I think that you are both 'babying' her a little bit.

You baby her by continuing to BF. (She's going to feel pretty displaced by your new baby unless there is a good gap between her stopping and the new baby).

He in 'retaliation' is babying her by carrying on the stairs when she is able to do it herself.

I think you both need to help her grow up a little bit into the toddler she is. But carrying upstairs at the end of the day when tired is fine. I carried my 9yo upstairs the other day blush.

MeMySonAndI Thu 30-Jan-14 14:18:47

I don't think is so much an issue of carrying up and down the stairs but about her learning that you have the right to say no to some requests even if you have no other reason for it than not wanting to do it.

Being 3 and able to go up and down the stairs, being carried up or down is a bonus, not a right.

halfwildlingwoman Thu 30-Jan-14 15:03:42

Oh god, I shouldn't say this, I know, because I'm being a MN cliche. But, I taught a boy with autism who hated stairs and had to be managed very carefully in preparation for going up them.

I'm not going to say that you should stop BF. However, I suspect you may have issues when the baby comes if your DD doesn't feel a bit more grown-up soon. Perhaps that will work with your DP as a reason to re-train her about the stairs. I do also think he's being a bit of an arse though.
If you go upstairs without her and wait she will do herself. My DC can be lazy, but they are quickly motivated with stuff they want to do.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 16:06:14

My 12wo exclusively bf baby has a great bond with his father, as do his two elder extended bf brothers. The bf is a red herring.

Indeed, tandem feeding could help DD's acceptance of new baby, not hinder it.

RunnerHasbeen Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:04

When I was heavily pregnant, my 20month old had to go up and down herself. She would always go happily (even if she was refusing at first) if I threw her blanket up 5/6 steps and just before she reached it threw it up some more. If she has a teddy or something you could maybe try and turn stairs into a game. Your DH might be happier to play like that than to battle/ discipline (especially as he doesn't see it as his fight)? Surely you can find a compromise or way that works for you both, you are married with children and it must be disrupting his work now.

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:16

LaymeDown it's a physical problem for me, I just can't do it and of course I discussed it with him in advance. He knew I was struggling for a while, he knew I told her no more and used rewards to get her up the stairs, he knew it took a while for her to learn and adjust, he knew it was going very, very well and one day he turned up and picked her up. He didn't discuss it with me, or give me an option.

As for the bf babying comments if anyone has any scientific evidence that bf causes psychological problems I would be very interested in the links (I am an academic so peer reviewed journals and academic books please, not made up articles in spurious magazines). She is doing perfectly well in other developmental areas, she goes to nursery with no problems, she is potty trained, she plays very well with other children (never argues, shares, etc.) and she is very helpful about the idea of the new baby talks about how she will change its diaper and teach it how to bf (of course I understand it won't be that easy in reality!).

softlysoftly Thu 30-Jan-14 16:20:36

Why does it have to be one or the other? DDs play chase with daddy, they love it. They hassle me for it. I Don't and never will play chase, that's a daddy thing.

Daddy lets DD1 (4) have her car seat in the front seat as a treat on daddy days.

She does not get the car seat in the front on mummy days.

On mummy days I listen to the fucking Glee Cd on repeat (argh). On daddy days she has more chance of him learning to fly.

They can understand that different parents have different rules, I think you need to just be no nonsense about it and it sounds like you are babying hea. "Giving her choices" is excellent parenting but it's stairs ffs, just says she gets off her arse and walks down or she stays where she is while you have breakfast and go out!

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Thu 30-Jan-14 16:24:46

He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

OP doesn't say she is STILL breasfeeding her.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:25:46

How would you like your DP to be when he's working from home and you're in charge of your child?

DP and I both work from home (not at the same time), and I'm just thinking what would happen if DS2 (who's 3 now) started yelling for him to come and carry him up the stairs - which DP can do and I can't.

Answer is, DP would ignore it, and I'd try hard to prevent DS2 from doing it in the first place. DP's working, he's trying to concentrate, I'm in charge of DS2 that day. I'd feel undermined if DP came down to interfere. Obviously he'd come down in a crisis, but I think it's made clear to our DSs that they can't yell for the other parent if they don't like what the one who's taking care of them that day has decided.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:28:47

And I was about to add that you should ignore/challenge the "weird/babying" remarks that a couple of PPs have made about BFing your daughter at 2.8, but I see you've got that covered :D

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:29:16

I am still breastfeeding her, although DP has had a problem with it almost from the beginning.

puddock I was managing fine before all this. We had gotten over the difficult bit (with all the ideas people are suggesting, i.e. rewards, throwing a toy up the stairs, playing race me up, or finally leaving her to follow), it is DP who has gotten himself into this situation where he hears her cry and runs out to carry her. He also doesn't do it consistently so I still have the tantrums but more distressed than before.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:36:35

That must be hard, not knowing from one time to the next whether you're in sole charge or whether he's going to swoop in.

I do remember a heated debate with DP about this (actually when DS1 was 2 and I was expecting DS2, hmmm!) and the outcome was that we agreed that the parent who was working needed to act like they were at work, mind their own business and not stick their oar in. This was as much about showing some trust and respect for the parent who was parenting as about the children's behaviour.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 17:08:02

It's also very confusing for children when a parent is working from home. Ideally the WAH parent is unavailable except in an emergency - as if they were WOH in fact - preferably behind a closed door in a room the children don't use, so they can "get" it.

But if daddy continually nips into the kitchen to get some coffee and another chocolate HobNob and pauses to say "wow I like your tower" then the child begins to think "hey, daddy's at home".

BratinghamPalace Thu 30-Jan-14 17:50:34

Your husband is being an arse BUT you both need to agree on BF. He should have an input into that and you need to let him. YABU re the stairs though and the child is old enough to know and accept that daddy carries and mummy does not. Simple. Jolly her along. Eg, what book are we reading today? You run along and pick it out. Etc. The act of walking up should not be the issue, what is at the top should be the reward. The book, tickles, bath and so on. Good luck with new baby!

Poloholo Thu 30-Jan-14 18:01:00

I hadn't appreciated you were still feeding her. This clearly isn't about the stairs, this is about him trying to retaliate for you doing something he doesn't like.

Booboostoo Mon 17-Feb-14 09:13:12

A little (super smug) update for anyone who is interested!

As soon as DP left, DD went up and down the stairs all by herself with no fuss and got her special stickers at the top/bottom. As soon as DP came back she asked to be carried by him, which is fine by me but I doubt will be fine by him for very much longer as she throws a mighty tantrum every single time and he gives in every single time. She calls him from work, gets him up from watching TV and even woke him up this morning and made him carry her (DP has a lie in every morning - no one has succeeded in geting him up so far in his life!).

All I can say is Mmmmmmmmwaaaahahahahahahahhaha!

With some ROFL added in for good measure.

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