To be extremely fucked off with comment in work and with DH

(69 Posts)
HadABadDay2014 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:26:42

In work today comment was made towards me that I am only par time and that of course I have the time and energy to cook and clean after work.

The conversation at break was about food wastage and I said I will cook and freeze left overs like curry stews spag Bol ECG or turn them into something else. I will also freeze fruit to make into smoothies if they are getting to the use by dates.

I know I do 3 days where as they do 5, but on those 2 days I am not just lounging around. I am still up with school runs and appointments.

To top it off walked in the house and all the housework I did yesterday was undone while DH sat on his ass for 3.5 hours before work.

Joules68 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:28:29

Yanbu!!

OwlinaTree Tue 28-Jan-14 22:30:39

Well isn't the point of working part time the fact you do have more free time?

PortofinoRevisited Tue 28-Jan-14 22:31:08

Well they are 2 separate things. What anyone says at work, you just ignore. On the other hand your DH needs to learn to clean up after himself,

defineme Tue 28-Jan-14 22:31:43

I'd be pissed off with dh, but I know I'm very very lucky to work part time and I just shrug and say they're right with a smile when I get that at work.

Financeprincess Tue 28-Jan-14 22:32:50

Fair enough to be annoyed with DH but you need to lighten up about the comments of your work colleagues. Don't be one of those people who needs to tell everybody constantly how busy and tired they are. It's social cyanide.

HadABadDay2014 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:33:13

OwlinaTree, I don't really have much time to myself.

I have 2 children, one with autism

BruthasTortoise Tue 28-Jan-14 22:33:23

But the point of being part time is that you have extra time in the week to catch up on chores etc is it not? At least it was when I was part time...

MrsWolowitz Tue 28-Jan-14 22:34:07

YANBU.

I'm part time and being off isn't a break - it's chaotic and busy running around after three young kids.

As for your DH, he needs to learn to clean up after himself. It's not fair to lounge around and leave a mess for you to clean up.

I would assume that a PT worker would have more.time and energy to spend on housework than a FT. However I wouldnt necessarily expect that PTer to spend their two other days doing all the HW.

FrillyMilly Tue 28-Jan-14 22:35:16

I know how you feel. I work part time but when I'm at home I'm with the children not just lounging about alone or heading to the gym. Also a lot of my colleagues have no children so really don't understand how much attention children need.

bruthas, only if your dc arent at home! I'm part time but 3 dc aged 3 and under at home. My dd does 6 hrs/ week at preschool, half of which when I'm working. Evenings are for most chores, bar basic slinging on of laundry and basics into slow cooker...

BruthasTortoise Tue 28-Jan-14 22:38:00

I had small children at home when part time - still have them at home now I'm full time (non sleeping toddler!) and I had more time to squeeze chores etc in when I was part time.

fancyanotherfez Tue 28-Jan-14 22:38:38

Yanbu! Tell them to go part time too if they are so jealous of you 'free time' ferrying kids around. Bet they'd love the part time pay!

BrandNewIggi Tue 28-Jan-14 22:40:02

They are being pitas but from their perspective it is just banter I imagine. What are you going to do about your dh?

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 28-Jan-14 22:42:56

But the point of being part time is that you have extra time in the week to catch up on chores etc is it not?

Um... not.

There is no fucking way I would take the reduction in career opportunities and lower pay involved in part time work just so I could do more domestic chores.

It is worth it to me because it gives me more time to do stuff with my children and makes certain things easier to organise because I have slightly more flexibility.

But no, the point of it is not to make me into the house skivvy.

Although, it does make a certain amount of sense that people think of it that way.

God, women really must be fucking stupid if they are giving up work to do unpaid grunt work.

FudgefaceMcZ Tue 28-Jan-14 22:43:11

Were you being all self-righteous about freezing things to prevent food waste and treating it as an individual failing if other people don't have time? Because if you were, I can see why your colleagues would point out that you do 3 days.

Your partner sounds like a bit of a tit though.

SeaSickSal Tue 28-Jan-14 22:43:39

I think it depends on how you say it TBH.

If you were making a comment about not wasting food in a smug judgemental way then I think your colleagues would NBU to point out that you had more time than them. If they felt you were having a dig at them they had every right to point that out.

I work part time and I do have more time to do things like that. Even if you are still doing the school run, appts etc a lot of the people working full time will be doing that in their before and after work time rather than on days off. So they would have a lot less time.

I do try to be sensitive about this when talking to full timers.

OwlinaTree Tue 28-Jan-14 22:46:10

Unfortunately I think it is assumed by men if you are at home more you do the housework. Somehow doing housework has become part of the sahp role.

The work thing is banter tho from the sound of it.

BackforGood Tue 28-Jan-14 22:47:55

3 separate things - your dh not pulling his weight - yanbu to be annoyed with that
Colleagues voicing what they think - depends on your relationship with them. I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I get on well with my colleagues, and I suppose if I didn't like them then I'd worry even less.
Can't see why a statement of fact would wind you up so much. Obviously if you work 3 days you have more time to do other stuff than if you work 5 days. Thats why we accept 3/5 of a salary each month, to give us more time to do othr things.confused as to why that would be annoying.

BruthasTortoise Tue 28-Jan-14 22:52:06

I didn't mean that in a derogatory way - what I meant was that as you have more time to do the crappy chores then the time was freed up to spend more time with the DC. When I was part time I could spend some of my extra two days catching up on laundry and cooking which then freed up the weekends for family time. Now at least one day of my weekend is took up with this nonsense. And that's with a very supportive DH who pulls his weight.

Jemimapuddlemuck Tue 28-Jan-14 22:52:19

Hard to say without knowing the full context of the comments but I would say YABU about your work colleagues, if you were being a bit holier than thou about your approach to domestic life. If you work part time you do have more time to plan things and cook from scratch if you choose to. Having to work all day, commute, maybe pick up kids from after school care, makes shopping for and cooking meals a lot harder than if you're spending the majority of your day at home.

YANBU about your DH who sounds like he's taking the piss.

grumpyoldbat Tue 28-Jan-14 23:02:37

YANBU, I work part time and the comments from colleagues have been making have brought me close to tears recently. I work part time but I'm also a full time student nurse doing 40hr per week on placement and have assignments. I have been struggling to get everything done at home so what your colleagues said would upset me.

HadABadDay2014 Tue 28-Jan-14 23:05:24

Perhaps I may have got their backs up with regards to freezing, but I only do it to save wasting food which in the conversation.

Waiting for DH to get home and will be having a good chat.

JohnCusacksWife Tue 28-Jan-14 23:12:31

But when you work part time you do have more time to do domestic stuff. Isn't that the point? I don't know many part timers who spend their "at home" days filing their nails and going out for lunch. Most of us are shopping, cleaning, washing and generally getting organised for the mayhem of the "working" days.

wishful75 Tue 28-Jan-14 23:47:16

I think people can totally underestimate the impact of a child with autism and I would suspect that the Op working part time with an autistic child will have a lot more on her plate/less time than a full time worker with a nt child.

fifi669 Tue 28-Jan-14 23:57:44

Being part time you still work the same hours three times a week so those three days you'll be as tired as the rest of them! I work 4 days and don't do a speck of housework those days.

However, the days you have off, yes you should be able to do the housework. It doesn't take much to load the washing machine or Hoover in time or energy.

wobblyweebles Wed 29-Jan-14 00:05:21

Since I went part time I've found it much easier to meal plan, freeze meals and generally be more organised. I was working 40 hours a week and felt like I was constantly running to catch up. It is heaven working pt.

Joysmum Wed 29-Jan-14 01:17:01

I too agree that working PT should generally leave more time than those working FT.

How often does having 2 children at home mean you can't do anything else except be with them? Having 2 children at home doesn't generally preclude anyone from doing other tasks too.

I would hate to be part time tbh. I think I would feel like I was doing half a job on both fronts and not giving either one 100%. I really admire part timers and their ability to juggle and balance everything. (I'm also lucky that my & DH jobs together allow us to have a cleaner once a week and good childcare).

thenoodlemachine Wed 29-Jan-14 01:34:10

Running a home and working 3 days a week is easier than running a home and working 5 days a week. Sorry, but it just IS.

soundedbetterinmyhead Wed 29-Jan-14 01:55:15

If a part-timer suggested to me that I freeze all my leftovers down and make something else with them or keep tabs on the best before dates of fruit, I might be inclined to lob my lunch at them grin.

This would be another job that had to be done either at the weekend or in the night.

jacks365 Wed 29-Jan-14 02:31:43

When I was working full time I still had to drop the children off and pick them up, cook for them, do laundry, do general housework, help with homework etc etc. I was still doing everything I just had less time to do it in than someone working part time. You are making the mistake of thinking that someone working full time doesn't have as much to do in the house and for the children but we do.

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 29-Jan-14 05:25:50

It's really a pointless discussion.
I work pt <Lucky> which gives me more family time. It certainly doesn't give me any "me" time as I have two small DCs. My time off is spent looking after hem. A job I have to pay someone else to do when I am at work. I certainly don't consider that housework time.
Housework is shit. It has o be done but it's never ending and really should be kept to a minimum grin

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 29-Jan-14 05:29:49

Having a cleaner is shit too. Got rid.
What I really need is a daily tidier-upper.

If your DCs are at school then of course you have more time.
Just don't waste it by thinking that housework is important.

I loathe housework. It's utterly soul destroying. Can you tell?

EmmaBemma Wed 29-Jan-14 05:34:58

When people make comments like that, it's not about you, it's about them. Your thrifty industriousness with leftovers probably made them feel mildly inadequate, so remembering that you might have more time than they do probably made them feel a bit better. It's really not a big deal!

TheMedea Wed 29-Jan-14 05:39:40

I am completely loving joinyourplayfellows right now.

maddening Wed 29-Jan-14 06:58:42

But if you have 2 days with dc in school then you do have more time to do all this food management and house work - so when they - who have a lot less time than you - are saying how hard it is to manage food to prevent wastage (and it is a lot less time if they work ft) then I can see how your comments came accross and led to the pt comment.

MrsKCastle Wed 29-Jan-14 07:21:18

Well I guess it just depends on individual circumstances, doesn't it? I work pt, in theory 3 days a week, but spread over 5. I certainly don't have huge amounts of time at home to do housework. I probably have to do more actual work (marking, planning) at home in the evenings than some of my colleagues because I have less time for that within my working day.

For me, the advantage of working pt is that I get to spend more time with my DDs, and DD1 gets to spend the time after school doing activities she likes, rather than attending after-school care which she doesn't like. It's well worth it, but it does irritate me sometimes when colleagues act like I'm swanning off for an afternoon sat by a pool. Especially when they forget that it's a choice that they could make themselves if they wished.

starfishmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 07:35:05

I don't understand why people who work full time say they don't have time to bung their leftovers in a tupperware or bag and stick them in the freezer. It takes seconds and then there is an easy meal for another time.

Ememem84 Wed 29-Jan-14 07:40:11

I also always assumed that being part time was a lovely thing more time to get things done more time to yourself. Wrong.

The few weeks I worked 4 days I found myself at supermarket, doing washing cleaning cooking running errands. Absolutely exhausted.

laughingeyes2013 Wed 29-Jan-14 07:47:58

Working at home with children is a hell of a lot harder than escaping out to work among adults.

Everyone says they are at work 'for a rest'.

Obviously we all know work isn't a rest, but people commonly joke about that because they are acknowledging their preference to the drudgery and boredom that comes with running a house and child minding (even if it's your own!).

When I'm caring for the kids, it's refreshing for everyone to have someone else walk into the room, and it's nice for their Dad to come home 'fresh' to the kids, even though he's not fresh from a busy day at work, iyswim.

It boiled down to that age old argument of who is the most tired and who works the hardest. Well, LIFE is hard work eventually, and no one can escape.

I have seen visitors so many times in hospital, looking longingly at the patient 'resting' in bed all day long - well I can tell you that even someone lying in bed all day long isn't necessarily having an easy life I can promise you!

So - I am sure your husband works hard, but I am sure you work equally hard, just in a different way. It's a shame we can't all walk in each other's shoes to gain a bit of insight, rather than each fight to say their corner is 'harder'.

I would find your scenario annoying too, but that's only because I've been on both sides of the fence and to be honest I found being full time ironically easier!

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 29-Jan-14 07:50:49

I get a lot of resentment at work because I only work 2 days and rest are full time. There is a huffy atmosphere when I leave and say see you next week.

Even though they are mostly childless and party all weekend and I have a severely disabled child and go to work for a break and company.

People are really strange. Don't let it get to you.

Mumof3xx Wed 29-Jan-14 07:53:33

I get this too

The people who make the comments re work are usually those with no families who haven't a clue what they are on about

My oh has recently got better in general but there are still bad days

I too work 3 days, and I have 3 dc. My none work days I spend doing school runs chores and looking after my baby

Jinsei Wed 29-Jan-14 08:02:08

But if your dc are at school, surely you do have more time?

TheBookofRuth Wed 29-Jan-14 08:06:49

I always felt part-time working mothers got a raw deal. IME (pre-DC I was a HR Manager and part of my role involved helping returning mums to negotiate a "flexible" working arrangement) what it means is that they fit a virtually full time role into part-time hours, then spend their off time running around like blue-arsed flies trying to get all the domestic stuff done so that the weekends can be family time.

Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

Mumof3xx Wed 29-Jan-14 08:12:06

Children are only at school for 6 hours, I spend over an hour a day on school runs, I have a young baby to prep food and bottles for, get to sleep, and entertain. I have to fit housework around her as she is my priority

melika Wed 29-Jan-14 08:12:40

I do get what you are saying, you put effort into what time you have and sound like a very good person using everything to maximum potential. I think they are jealous.

Mellowandfruitful Wed 29-Jan-14 08:14:41

No one wins by making it into a competition. You need a few standard phrases to close down this sort of discussion, eg 'It'd be a dull world if we were all the same!' (said with steely cheerfulness) then change the subject. If you feel commenting on differences in lives has shifted into picking at you personally, say so 'I am feeling a bit got at now, can we think of some celeb's cooking we can bitch about instead?'

Mellowandfruitful Wed 29-Jan-14 08:16:14

BookOfRuth - I agree.

Oh and OP, yes deal with your DH as a separate issue. Don't get cross with colleagues if he's really the problem.

melika Wed 29-Jan-14 08:19:26

I have two instances to consider:

A SIL who works full time, no cooking for her family (older kids), iron etc. They have chinese take a ways most nights.

A SIL who does not work, gets up at mid day, no kids to look after, does not cook, iron etc. spends time going to gym.

Your life sounds very sensible and balanced.

Of course the sahp blunts most of the chores. Usually part time work is to keep down child care costs and to look after the dc. I would expect whoever works less hours out of home to do a bigger share of the housework.

This doesn't mean cleaning up after a lazy dh but yes if I'm home for 2 extra days I'm sure in between drop off and pick ups or toddler groups, dr appointments I can manage to load/unload the dishwasher put washing on, hang clean washing out, make a few beds. Hoover when the dc are playing nicely. Involve the dc in chores give an older toddler a duster or let them pull the washing out of the machine. They usually like to help or at least mine did.

I work full time now and am probably more organised when it comes to household chores than when I was part time but that's because I know I'm short of time, the dc are older now (16, 11, 7 & 4) and I'm the only adult. Doesn't mean I enjoy it or feel I should be doing it. It's because these things need doing or we'd soon be living in squalor.

Catsize Wed 29-Jan-14 08:23:08

They were being reasonable. Although batch cooking would save them time.

grumpyoldbat Wed 29-Jan-14 08:31:47

Oh absolutely ruth I had complaints that I only had 60% of the output of another colleague. I cracked and replied that I thought it wad pretty good going considering I'm there less than half the time he is. I'm now extremely jumpy and expecting disciplinary action for making the wrong response sad.

redskyatnight Wed 29-Jan-14 09:04:57

I also can't see why the comment at work annoyed you (DH a separate issue).

I've recently gone full time after previously working full time, the volume of "house" work/appointments/school runs has not decreased and even though DH and I split jobs/childcare 50:50 I can assure you that I have far less time and energy to cook and clean than I did when I was part time. Simple maths will tell you that if you had to fit in all (or even half) the things you do in your 2 days off into 5 full time working days you would have less time!

KellyElly Wed 29-Jan-14 10:14:10

If anyone who has no children says that they are taking the piss. I had so much more free time when I worked full time and didn't have a child as I could do what the hell I liked at weekends, whereas now weekends are not a break at all. If someone who has kids and works full time made this comment then they may have a point.

newyearhere Wed 29-Jan-14 10:18:15

grumpyoldbat that wasn't the "wrong response" IMHO, it was the right one! Just the facts, clearly stated.

The office I work in has quite a few working parents (mainly mothers) so when someone made the comment "Well it's your day off tomorrow, at least you can have a rest then" it wasn't just me that laughed! (all in good humour, I work with a friendly bunch smile ) I get more of a rest when I'm at work, plus an uninterupted half an hour to eat my lunch and read a book. As someone said up thread, I had a lot more time to myself pre-DC.

As for your DH, how did he manage to undo a day's housework by sitting on his arse? I'm imagining Mr Tickle crazy arms, waving all over the place and making a big mess! grin But seriously, it's not on for him to make a mess and not clear up after himself.

SpottyDottie Wed 29-Jan-14 10:49:49

I work part time but despite this, I still feel pulled from one thing to another. I don't sit on my arse the days I'm not at my job.

grumpyoldbat Wed 29-Jan-14 10:57:39

newyear unfortunately the correct response is to work through your breaks, come in early and leave late for free so that your output exceeds the full timers who work so much R while getting part time pay. Then they get to make their delightful comments like"is that you off to skive", " honestly you part timers don't know the meaning of hard work", "you look tired, how can you be tired?" I don't know how I've resisted swearing tbh.

SayMyNameSayIt Wed 29-Jan-14 12:26:15

I was talking to someone I know well a year or so ago and saying how stressed I had been at getting the 4 of us ready to go on holiday. Told her I'd been up literally all night. Things had been going to plan till Dc2 had been very sick in school and had to be sent home, my friend very kindly collected him as we live 30 mins away and she lives nearby. (She was originally going to take both dc out so I could get on.)

This person commented, oh I'm just glad I'm always all organised the week before, all packed and ready!
(Yes, but you're at home all day and your dc are a lot older and more independent than mine.)

I didn't say a word but I was extremely irked by this. She is on benefits and I know for an absolute total utter fact that there is no reason whatsoever that she can't work. I can say this with certainty as I know her very well and I know her circumstances. I'd never ever make a comment to her but if I was at home all day and being given the money for it, I'd have plenty of time to get organised.

BTW, their holiday was 2 weeks in a 5star hotel. Again, I know this for a fact. Goes every year.
I can't afford that and I work in a good job.

Sorry, I realise your thread was not about this but some of the comments reminded me of this.
She also said to me one time, Oh but I still need to get the housework and the shopping, the cooking etc
done!
( Yes, and so do those of us who work. Except we don't have 5 child-free hours a day to do it. ) Again, I said nothing.

FWIW, I work 4 days specifically because my Dh works at the weekend and I couldn't face having other people's kids full-time and then my own at the weekend, I'm
not a young mummy!

My day off is for me to rest and do what I like. I don't do housework or anything unless I'm really in the mood!

3 days a week I come in half an hour before anyone else, work through my lunch and leave at 4pm, not 5 so I can take ds2 to football.
every single time without fail the same person says to me "alright for some, leaving an hour early, what are you, part time?"
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
It's was infuriating. Now I just say, yeah good isn't it, and go on my way.

annieorangutan Wed 29-Jan-14 16:17:45

I work full time but Im always sitting on my arse at home. Its 90% off what I do

wobblyweebles Wed 29-Jan-14 16:31:58

I don't understand why people who work full time say they don't have time to bung their leftovers in a tupperware or bag and stick them in the freezer. It takes seconds and then there is an easy meal for another time.

That's assuming they actually cooked a meal. When I was f/t I can't count how many times I walked in at 5.30 (if I was lucky) and said 'Ah feck it, we're going out somewhere.'

Innogen Wed 29-Jan-14 17:08:04

I think the problem is that you're caring what other people think too much.

Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Who cares what they think about your life? You know how it is!

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Wed 29-Jan-14 17:22:33

I can see both sides - when I was on phased return (3 days) after mat leave I did have lots of time - my house was tidier and I cooked more. BUT - just because I was only 3 days didn't mean I wanted to do all those things.

My friend doesn't work and is always saying how busy, stressed and important she is over the dreaded FB, often with lists 'omg, so stressed and busy - walked the dogs, tidied out the spare room, cooked dinner for the tribe... I need a rest...' her kids are all over the age of 11 and I often feel like saying 'most of us do all that AND work!!

UseHerName Wed 29-Jan-14 18:06:50

I about to hire a cleaner - tell me why is it shit? I thought it was the answer!!

I think what I really need is a full team of staff - housekeeper,nanny, butler, driver, etc grin

HadABadDay2014 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:06:55

I know I am off work 2 days which I do catch up with housework but I done specifically batch cook to freeze, I have to cook the children dinner anyway so when I do I just make double and freeze. It saves time.

I did apologise to them today if they took offence at my suggestion.

My DC are school age, but I have 1 day in which I can catch up with housework as the other day I am doing a course on autism to help me with DS.

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 29-Jan-14 19:04:07

Having a cleaner didn't work for me.
Partly because she was a bit rubbish tbh.
But i felt under pressure to have the place spotlessly tidy so she could actually clean. In the end it was too much hard work for not enough cleanliness ime.
I think if she hadn't damaged things or had come on a day I wanted (was busy on my preferred day) it could have been great. N
But it's put me off a bit tbh.
Plus, what I really need is to introduce the death penalty for DH leavin a mess. Without doubt I married the world's untidyest man.
Tbh I am a bit miserable about clutter ATM.

Work/ life balance is tricky and personal.
A ft working friend is always making pointed remarks about being supremely busy because she works ft (I work pt since having DCs)
But she has no DCs, so has absolutely no idea about the concept of never having any time to oneself.

It irks me when she says this but I say nothing. There is no point.

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