to stop these playdates?

(112 Posts)

I have a local friend/acquaintance (we'll call her Helen) who has a DD the same age as mine (3). She invites my kids and myself over to hers every Tuesday for an hour or so. A few months back we had a brief falling out because her daughter was constantly snatching toys off my daughter and Helen would do nothing to address this. Every week my daughter would be in tears and not understand why the other girl wasn't being told off for being 'naughty'. A few weeks later, Helen assured me that her DD had improved her behaviour and asked if I would resume the Tuesday 'playdates'. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and agreed.

A few weeks passed with the kids playing nicely. Then today, the following happened:

When I arrived with my kids at the usual time, Helen's DD was playing with her friend (also 3) in the bedroom. My kids went upstairs to join them. The two girls let my DD into the bedroom but would not let my DS (2) because "no boys allowed". This is normal preschooler behaviour, of course.

DS started to cry. Helen said that DS could stay downstairs with us. So I took him downstairs. Lunch was served (chicken nuggets and chips). DS was given his to eat on a plate on the floor in the livingroom. Helen took the other 3 girls' lunch up to the bedroom. DS sat and ate his dinner, whilst asking where his sister was (they are very close being close in age). I admit, I felt so sad for him.

At this point, DS found a toy truck (the only toy of interest in a sea of pink tat - sorry, but we're talking Disney princess overload in that house). He becomes very engrossed in running the truck around the floor. Then we hear a scream from upstairs. I run upstairs to see. My DD is locked out of the bedroom and the other 2 girls won't let her in. Helen makes a half-hearted attempt at reasoning with the girls but her daughter slams the door on her face (!) My DD is very upset at this point and throws up. I clear up the vomit and bring DD downstairs to join DS, followed by Helen.

The 2 girls come down a few minutes afterwards. Helen's DD spies my DS playing with the truck and pushes him in the face and snatches it off him. He starts crying and trying to get the truck back. Helen makes a half hearted "DS was playing with that. It's a boys toy." Her DD continues to push him in the face as he tries to get it back.

I decide it is time to call game over on this visit and start putting DS' coat on as by this point, he is on the floor flaying around. Helen sits and watches and looks sheepish. As I bundle a flaying DS into his buggy, and then get DD's coat on, Helen says "I hope this won't stop you coming back next week. We'll see you next Tuesday yeah?" I nodded and quickly left.

AIBU to stop the playdates? No one is getting anything out of these visits. I refuse to let my kids be bullied, but I am not prepared to discipline someone else's kid.

formerbabe Tue 28-Jan-14 16:31:46


formerbabe Tue 28-Jan-14 16:32:35

Sorry, posted too quickly.

What if you met on neutral ground? Would her dd behave better? Sometimes kids get territorial.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 16:33:52

Find something else to do....sounds like its become to much of play date routine. Much scrutinising going on also.

formerbabe I guess that would work. I only attended these playdates tbh because they were local (she literally lives across the street). Aside from having DD's the same age, Helen and I have nothing in common.

ooerrmissus Tue 28-Jan-14 16:34:49

YWNBU to stop them. They sound like hell, so what's the point? Just tell your friend that your children obviously don't enjoy playing together so in future you will see her without kids (assuming you want to keep seeing her!)

formerbabe Tue 28-Jan-14 16:37:00

Oh don't bother then if the mum isn't your sort of person? Doesn't sound like there are any benefits of continuing this?

shoofly Tue 28-Jan-14 16:37:16

Am I missing something here? Why on earth would you continue with this arrangement. It's miserable for your kids and for you. I think I'd have other things to do next time.

formerbabe Tue 28-Jan-14 16:37:25

Sorry, that sounded sarcastic...didn't mean it to!

I wouldn't waste your time or energy on them again to be honest.
Why should you when no one enjoys it? There are plenty of toddler groups around to make some new friends.

Your poor kids sad

MeepMeepVrooooom Tue 28-Jan-14 16:37:42

What about changing the environment see how that goes?

TBH this would piss me off, I can't stand people not telling their kids off for really bad behaviour. If you can't find a solution then I don't think it would be unreasonable to stop the play dates.

Doesn't sound like it is much fun. What is Helen's DD like in your home? Would you be able to exert a bit more influence as in "In our house we are kind and don't push / leave people out" etc etc

hollyhunter Tue 28-Jan-14 16:37:59

tbh it doesnt sound like ANYONE is enjoying them

Only1scoop I agree that it's became a routine, and thus hard to break out of. I'm not stuck for things to do. I have only been attending these playdates because they are convenient and when the kids aren't fighting, they have a good time.

My issue is not with kids fighting (that's normal). My issue is instead with Helen's major PFB (only child and last child) syndrome where she will never discipline her DD.

bodygoingsouth Tue 28-Jan-14 16:39:00

Jesus every week would drive me nuts and clearly the kids are getting on each other's nerves.

meet on neutral ground and make it every 2/3 weeks.

invicta Tue 28-Jan-14 16:39:46

Why don't you invite them to yours - your house, your rules!

Am I missing something here? Why on earth would you continue with this arrangement. It's miserable for your kids and for you.

Well, as I said, after the previous falling-out over this issue, Helen assured me that her DD was better behaved - and indeed she was for a few weeks. Now it looks like she's back to square 1.

iammrsnesbitt Tue 28-Jan-14 16:40:32

I'd stop doing them if I were you. Doesn't sound like you even like her or her DD anyway so why bother.

JollyGolightly Tue 28-Jan-14 16:42:38

You have nothing in common with the mum and the kids dislike each other. I'd definitely bring the arrangement to an end

AIBU that when your 3yr old screams at you and slams the door on your face (in front of guests no less!), then you should do something about it. Not stand there with a gormless expression. I know I'm being harsh, but if Helen won't discipline her child - who will??

pussycatdoll Tue 28-Jan-14 16:44:17

what are they like round yours?

tbh eating chicken nuggets and chips in the bedroom is not something I'd allow <cats bum mouth>

I'd stop doing them if I were you. Doesn't sound like you even like her or her DD anyway so why bother.

tbh, this aspect of them I do not like.

Bowlersarm Tue 28-Jan-14 16:46:26

Do you ever invite them to yours?

it might go a lot better if they were visiting you - for a start the other girl won't be there to complicate things. And you can be on much better grounds to dictate behaviour if you are in your own home.

tbh eating chicken nuggets and chips in the bedroom is not something I'd allow <cats bum mouth>

lol I only mentioned that it was chicken nuggets & chips so you could see that it wasn't 'spillable', and so able to eat from a plate on the floor. Nowt wrong with the occasional CNs and chips.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 16:47:40

You pointed out What Helen served the dc for lunch?
It just doesn't sound like you or dc are having a great time.
I can't stand routines of and then is ok.

for a start the other girl won't be there to complicate things.

She will. Helen does a childminding 'share' with the other girl's mum. Other children are sometimes there too. That's why I never invite them to mine - my home isn't big enough.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 16:49:46

Cross posted re CNugs grin

I'd definitely bring an end to it.
You and the mum have nothing in common. Her kids misbehave (perfectly normal) but she does nothing about it (crap and annoying).
Maybe she doesn't know how to go about tackling their behaviour, but if you're not especially close and she isn't asking for your help, I imagine it would be difficult to offer it without offending.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 28-Jan-14 16:50:54

YANBU. It sounds hideous. Stop meeting up with them.

Bowlersarm Tue 28-Jan-14 16:51:16

You could stop being so rigid on Tuesdays, and invite them round another time when Helen isn't childminding?

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 28-Jan-14 16:52:31

Do you ever ask them to yours?
I see this question has been asked again and again but you're not answering.

FFS call it off. You don't owe this woman regular playdates, it's making your kids miserable and the only concievable benefit I can see is that it gives you a chance to feel superior to 'Helen'. Just tell her politely that as the kids don't seem to get on it's best to leave it for the moment, and make other arrangements for your DC.

longtallsally2 Tue 28-Jan-14 16:55:38

Totally agree that this sounds a really awkward situation for you and probably not one you would want to continue. Just to put the other side, some people do find it really awkward disciplining their child infront of other people, and do better dealing with it "later". The fact that Helen assured you that she had spoken to her dd and her behaviour improved for a few weeks suggests that she might be one of these.

I know that I become a rabbit in the headlights when others are watching (partly because I am busy imagining the MN thread running through my head. "Then she said XX. Imagine!"). If my dss misbehave in front of other people, I tend to either sound like Joyce Grenfell or splutter ineffectually, go pink, then splutter a bit more. I would, however, aim to remove them from the situation and then try to reassure the other mother that I would be dealing with them, and once the visitors have departed then the words - and appropriate punishments - flow with no spluttering.

Not saying that I am right in dealing with things that way - indeed I have often wished that the right words would come at the time - but that is the way I am. Hopefully your neighbour will make sure that her dd never treats another visitor like that or they will run out of visitors soon.

YouTheCat Tue 28-Jan-14 16:56:03

Suggest the park. If that doesn't work, be busy a lot on a Tuesday.

NoSquirrels Tue 28-Jan-14 16:57:57

Just be busy most Tuesdays!

To be honest, I wouldn't expect 3-yr-olds to behave well left alone to play upstairs - I'd be anticipating problems. And if I was good enough friends with someone to be at their house every week, then I would feel comfortable to do some discipline of their children, if they were upsetting my kids particularly.

ApprenticeViper Tue 28-Jan-14 16:58:36

It sounds as though Helen's DD was showing off because she had another friend there, which changed the dynamic from the last few visits. If you had arrived before the other friend, chances are it would have been the other girl who was pushed out.

If nobody, including you, is getting anything out of these playdates any more, it definitely sounds like time to call it quits.

MrsOakenshield Tue 28-Jan-14 16:58:48

park or nothing, I reckon. Oh, and not all of us who have a one-and-only allow them to behave like this!

Lemongrab Tue 28-Jan-14 17:00:48

Her dd sounds horrid and Helen sounds useless.
I would stop going.

horsetowater Tue 28-Jan-14 17:03:40

When I had playdates with my friends and their children, if one of their dcs was out of order we would reinforce good behaviour and back each other up.

She was happy to tell mine off / reason with them and vice versa. It's not really a friendship if you can't deal with little things like 3 year olds falling out or behaving badly. They learn such a lot from these social situations it is good to pursue them but only if the adults can role model good behaviour.

horsetowater Tue 28-Jan-14 17:04:52

Always a good idea to go to neutral territory. Having to go to someone's house each time is a bit one-sided.

pussycatdoll Tue 28-Jan-14 17:07:09

it wasn't the nuggets and chips, it was eating it in the bedroom, would give me a coronary!! hope they didn't have ketchup wink

lunar1 Tue 28-Jan-14 17:08:47

There is no way I would carry on with this.

Apart from anything else, these children are far too young to play alone for this long and being left to eat alone is dangerous.

SpottyDottie Tue 28-Jan-14 17:10:15

I'd stop going and I wouldn't feel guilty because your DC aren't the only ones there, so she hasn't got that argument of 'her pfb has no one to play with' iyswim

3catsnokids Tue 28-Jan-14 17:14:43

I think these children are too young to play alone in a bedroom. I wouldn't have let mine go to the bedroom and if her daughter wouldn't play in the living room I would sweetly say 'that's alright, we'll go home. I expect we'll see you soon. Bye.' And I would have left.

oscarwilde Tue 28-Jan-14 17:14:58

Park or nothing especially as your DS is being excluded. Terrible time of the year for infections so you can easily make your excuses for a bit. smile Plus you can easily say that since you can't reciprocate the invitation you would prefer not to make it a regular event.
You could always book swimming lessons or something that only had availability then.

Belacoros Tue 28-Jan-14 17:19:51

"Aside from having DD's the same age, Helen and I have nothing in common."

I've never made 'mom friends' or hung around people just because we have similar aged children. It seems like a new thing we 'have' to or are 'supposed' to do. What, sit with awkward strangers just so kids can fight over items? Bleh.

See your own friends, as an adult. The children will get plenty of time to be with other kids at school/nursery or in more natural scenarios like relatives. You don't need all this 'playdate' business where a day a week - every week?? That'd drive me mental - is wasted on this charade we've been convinced is 'good' for children, probably peddled by biscuit manufacturers.

if I was good enough friends with someone to be at their house every week, then I would feel comfortable to do some discipline of their children, if they were upsetting my kids particularly.

Okay, now you've opened a can of worms. The previous falling out was because I told her daughter (firmly but without raising my voice) to stop snatching. I finally got sick of Helen's non-intervention. However my intervention was enough for Helen to throw me out!! Along with "she is only a child" and major cats bum face.

Why I returned a few weeks later, I have no idea.

Sorry for the dripfeed, but I needed to explain why I am not comfortable disciplining other people's kids. The one time I tried, I was ejected from the house.

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 17:26:29

I would stop it for a bit, I think it's getting a but tired. Just say that I don't think they are getting along right now but would you like to meet up when the girls are at pre school

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 17:29:19

You are definately wanting to end the arrangement by the sound of it. Are you just wondering how to do it without offending?

GreyGardens Tue 28-Jan-14 17:30:11

Not sure why any grown up would put themselves through this level of tedium tbh. Plus your kids hate each other. Do something more interesting instead?

SaucyJack Tue 28-Jan-14 17:30:55

You've only got yourself to blame for keep going back.

bochead Tue 28-Jan-14 17:37:09

I'm a bit confused.

Why is anyone allowing a bunch of toddlers to play unsupervised upstairs? Trouble is bound to brew at just 2/3 years old sooner or later.

To be fair at that age the unspoken rule was that whoever saw the naughty behavior first acted. Often it was the adult that was closest that grabbed the offending child/toy and noone got catsbummy about it in my circle. One child had a short period of snatching, another of pinching, mine was an escapologist but they were none of them perfect iyswim.

If you don't get along with the Mum well enough for the two of you to maintain order, and have a companionable natter & cuppa as you do so, then why bother? Just accept your parenting styles are too incompatible to supervise play dates for such young kids together and be busy on Tuesdays. (You are allowed to secretly feel sorry for the other child's nursery workers/teachers! Just don't say it out loud).

TimothyClaypoleLover Tue 28-Jan-14 17:39:45

Definitely put a stop to these play dates. If your DD is so upset that she vomits then it is not fair forcing her to go, particularly if you aren't even friends with the other mum. I had a similar situation last year with one of my antenatal group mums and her DS hitting my DD at every play date. my DD hated seeing him and I realised I should be putting her first.

bubbawubba Tue 28-Jan-14 17:45:18

Does she ever go to your house? If not, am I right in thinking that she is having you over every Tuesday and feeding you and your kids? That sounds a bit unfair to me.

Nanny0gg Tue 28-Jan-14 17:59:06

Pointless waste of time.

Her child has others to play with and so does yours.

Put a stop to it.

FixItUpChappie Tue 28-Jan-14 18:11:08

I hardly think Helen's child sounds "horrid" - good god, 3 year old are not known for Emily Post social graces FFS. Its up to Helen to step in.

I was going to say you should just move the playdates to the park or out and about, so that they can be friends as they grown up and learn to play better.....but she kicked you out. Really? I would have ended it right there. Good god.

Balaboosta Tue 28-Jan-14 18:12:03

This is the kind of double-edged AIBU that sets my teeth on edge. On the one hand, you present a situation that is totally unacceptable and on no account to be continued. Your dd was so stressed that she vomited? Wtf? Then you ask should you let it continue when the answer is plainly obvious. Er... No!
But but but...
I think your expectations about this "play dates" is totally unrealistic. 3 yo is far far too young for children to play nicely away without adult support (you say the kids were upstairs). They aren't at that age capable of friendship. This comes much later IMO. I also detect a snidey undercurrent of snobby judginess - "sea of pink tat".
The answer is so obvious - dont do these play dates - tht I think you are actually looking for validation for your judgement about this other mum's parenting style and taste in toys. Show some leadership. Either stop the play dates or provide your DCs with a bit more support and direction. And if the child vomits, get her the hell out of there. YAB-flakey.

I think I'd have left at the point your ds was excluded. It's not normal to leave one child to play alone regardless of gender, it's unkind. I wouldn't be going back either.

"Helen says "I hope this won't stop you coming back next week. We'll see you next Tuesday yeah?" I nodded and quickly left."
Why would she want you to come back? confused

3bunnies Tue 28-Jan-14 18:18:04

It sounds as if she is asking you over because she doesn't enjoy her childcare swap experience and wants some adult company, understandable but not at the expense of your dc. I would just be honest - presumably your dc won't be too keen on going back. Suggest that maybe you meet a different day in a neural place with just her and her dc - if she insists on being just that day then I would conclude that she is probably just using you as a chance for adult company and doesn't have much more investment in the friendship.

horsetowater Tue 28-Jan-14 18:21:15

I think these playdates are a learning curve for both adults and children. Far better than disciplining other peoples children is playing with them, modelling nice play. Leaving them upstairs to fight it out is nice in a Summerhill kind of hippie way but you can't expect discipline then. They are 3 year olds.

Having said that a recent experiment in New Zealand showed that children left in the playground without any supervision at all behaved much better and self-regulated eventually, although that was with older children mixing with younger ones.

Groovee Tue 28-Jan-14 18:34:19

I think Helen is lonely and you coming round gives her a diversion from only being around children.

Stop going, keep being busy on Tuesday or invite her to go to the park etc.

Viviennemary Tue 28-Jan-14 18:39:33

I wouldn't go again. Life is too short to bother with such irritating and rude people. Your DS having lunch on his own after being shut out. sad

horsetowater Tue 28-Jan-14 18:40:57

I am being hypocritical actually. I remember there were certain people I only met at the park and other children I would always put the TV on for. One girl who would always make dd be the 'monster' and another boy who just wanted to slide down the bannisters time and again. Another one who wanted to win every game. They just didn't know how to socialise.

There are some children that frankly need good parenting rather than cosy modelling.

newyearhere Tue 28-Jan-14 18:47:50

> Do you ever ask them to yours? I see this question has been asked again and again but you're not answering.

Quite so LadyBeagleEyes

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 28-Jan-14 18:49:51

When she asks again say 'what's the point?'

New Year Here, the OP answered that a few posts back. 'Helen' childminds/shares care and the OP's house isn't big enough for extra children.

I would stop going tbh. I see it as my job to keep my children safe and happy... Helen won't stop her DD from hitting, pushing, excluding your DC's so remove them from the situations.

Bowlersarm Tue 28-Jan-14 19:02:38

ICanSee-the OP also says Helen child minds sometimes so theoretically there are occasions when Helen and dd are on their own when an invitation by the OP can be issued.

However, as Helen told the OP off for gently admonishing her dd, I think that's swung it for me-don't bother OP.

2tiredtocare Tue 28-Jan-14 19:08:49

3 year olds plating together in a bedroom unsupervised is a recipe for disaster

amidaiwish Tue 28-Jan-14 19:15:57

give me one reason why you would continue with this?

- you don't really like the mum
- you don't like the daughter
- your daughter doesn't like the daughter
- your son has a nightmare
- there are other children often there complicating matters.

find a regular activity that is on Tuesday afternoon so you can not visit anymore without falling out.

NoSquirrels Tue 28-Jan-14 19:33:35

If she chucked you out for telling her daughter not to snatch I would just knock the whole thing on the head.

In a room full of toddlers/preschoolers, the nearest available adult steps in to say "that's not how we share"/"no hitting"/"remember to be gentle"/"let's take turns" etc. I expect other people to model that to my children, and if anyone was catsbummy with me about doing it to their kids I'd just think life was to short to be spending time with them as it would make me uncomfortable. If I like the adult I'd try to see them alone, but you don't sound like you like Helen so just forget it.

I agree that it sounds as if Helen doesn't enjoy her Tuesdays in charge and is looking for distraction. But you don't have to be it.

Icelollycraving Tue 28-Jan-14 19:34:39

It sounds hideous for everyone. You sound a bit snidey about her. Your ds had a miserable time & your dd vomited through being upset,why would anyone go back?!
Is it bad I've never done play dates with ds? blush

jellybeans Tue 28-Jan-14 19:34:58

I would get out of it. Make excuses till she stops asking. Life's too short etc etc. I did this to some 'friends' as if it is more misery than good it isn't worth it at all.

Oh, and not all of us who have a one-and-only allow them to behave like this!

Sorry, hope I didn't offend. It was the only explanation I could come up with for her pandering behaviour.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 21:00:38

I also have a one and only and don't believe I posses any pandering traits associated with that.
I'd definately knock your Tues play dates on the head.

JupiterGentlefly Tue 28-Jan-14 21:05:21

Is this another inflammatory fred?

Nicola19 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:18:19

YANBU. After today if she checks if you're going next week just say no because it seems the kids don't really get on. Honestly, you'll feel so much better.

greenfolder Tue 28-Jan-14 21:21:03

just say no- it doesnt work for us.

SpagBolgs Tue 28-Jan-14 21:23:52

I would just stop letting my DC interact with "Helen" children. Silly woman and horrid child do not let them come over tell her you wont allow your DC to get bullied!

Thanks guys. I had pretty much decided to end these playdates. I just wanted your reassurance that I wasn't BU.

I wish I didn't live where I live. My house is positioned so that I can't go anywhere without her seeing. She is the neighbourhood watch.
She literally, stays glued to the window to see who passes. Avoiding her just isn't going to work so I'm going to have to be firm.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 12:21:29

I think you ought to ask your children if they want to play with them or not. If they are that close it would be a shame to cut off a potentially good friendship.

I think you are projecting your principles and allegiances as an adult onto your children.

PopiusTartius Wed 29-Jan-14 12:53:28

Will your kids end up in the same class, and will you therefore be stuck walking to and from school together for years? If so and if ending things might make your life harder then, I would be inclined to pull right back from the house based playdates but suggest the occasional meet up at the park or whatever.

Otherwise.... just get rid.

horsetowater really? My little boy was excluded and my daughter threw up because she was so distressed? I don't think I'm projecting anything to be fair.

PopiusTartius We've applied to the same school but I put it as choice #2 whereas she put it as choice #2. I'm pretty certain if they do end up in the same class, I'll just smile and do the social niceties at the school gate, but nothing more.

Sorry that meant to say, she put it as choice #1.

pigletmania Wed 29-Jan-14 14:35:39

That's good, these play dates are not doing anyone any good, the choked rent don't seem to like each other, so no point really.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 14:35:49

They are 3 years old, it wasn't the childrens fault it was the adults that should have been looking after them and guiding them to behave properly. That's why I say ask the children first.

pigletmania Wed 29-Jan-14 14:36:03

Children grrr silly autocorrect

Joysmum Wed 29-Jan-14 14:37:50

horsetowater I concur.

starlight1234 Wed 29-Jan-14 14:49:17

I would just step back be bust on Tuesdays..Just say it isn't working really...Living so close you never know how their friendship Daughters when they get older and go out to play..

I would just say doesn't seem to be working maybe we could just meet up at soft play or go to park...

I stopped visiting someone whose DD was really mean to my son taking toys off him not to play with but would put them behind stairgate and out of his reach...not the I want to play with that because you are...There were other reasons too but this is one of them

My DS also went all through nursery and has been in another boys class for three years , lived two mins away..Never really been interested in each other ..Easter became best friends... you never know

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 14:51:36

And you might regret it one day when there is an emergency and you need someone to take the dcs off you hands.

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Jan-14 14:56:47

What answers were you hoping for, op? confused
Your children are being actively bullied and excluded whilst there, your dd is clearly terrified of the other children and when you dared to remonstrate when one of the children was snatching toys you were given your marching orders!
Why are you confused as to whether to go back or not??

3littlefrogs Wed 29-Jan-14 14:59:45

I have only read the op, but that was enough.
Why would you even consider going there again?
They sound dreadful.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 15:02:58

It turns out they live very close together. OP just added that information. I think she feels bad because she will have to face this family on a regular basis in the neighbourhood.

The children will 'find' each other when they are older anyway I guess.

horsetowater but if the adult isn't willing to step in, what can be done? Asking the children won't make the adult step in - rather, it will just prolong the misery.

And re: emergency, I'm not devoid of local friends you know?

Floggingmolly As I said up thread, I had already decided to cease the playdates, I just wanted a second opinion and reassurance.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 15:08:16

As I said if the children don't want to play with these other children then by all means don't take them there. I don't think you should force this either, just saying don't burn bridges. Have you asked the chlldren?

The children are 2 and 3 years old. I'm not sure what asking them will do? They like the toys but they don't like being bullied.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 15:23:13

You can still ask a 2 or 3 year old if they want to play with x. See what they say.

Ouch. Just received a text that has left me feeling sad:

"Hi wombles. Just to apologise for yesterday. I was distraught as I haven't seen that behaviour for a long, long time. I'm really sorry xxx"

sad Bless her.

How do you guys think I should reply to this with tact?

birdybear Wed 29-Jan-14 15:32:39

Just say, thanks for that. I appreciate it and next time yet see her tell her you are going to the library on Tuesday!

If she realised there was a problem with her dd behaviour she should have acted though shouldn't she? That's the whole problem. Her attitude, not her dd behaviour.

I'd respond with 'thanks I appreciate that. However the children clearly aren't enjoying each others company at the moment so let's leave it for now. Maybe we can try again in a few months'

Only1scoop Wed 29-Jan-14 15:48:19

"Don't worry....lets get them together at the park when the weather warms up a little and wear them out. See you soon"
And then just leave it.
It seems more trouble than it's worth at moment so I wouldn't make further plans yet.

MrsKent Wed 29-Jan-14 15:48:43

I'd say I can see you struggle to take a more disciplinarian role I am sure you love your dd very much but don't you think at times you need to be more firm?

Lioninthesun Wed 29-Jan-14 15:57:43

I think you just meet up less often and on neutral ground - soft play or park or something. That way you can keep them aware of each other in case they end up in the same class, not feel like a cow to the other mother (even though I agree with you she needs to learn to discipline her or she will be in for a very tough few years ahead!) and I think perhaps the other child being there may have been a mistake (not your DS the other girl playing when you arrived I mean). I do think is she felt she was on her turf, with another friend there already 'on-side' or whatever, your poor DD may have been on the back-foot. They are only kids though and if they usually get on well and you feel there would be a benefit, perhaps stopping them altogether is not quite right? If you could do it on a day when DS wasn't there it might help too? Just ideas. I have a friend a bit similar - don't agree on parenting ishoos etc - but the kids love playing so I grin and bear it, for now.

invicta Wed 29-Jan-14 16:09:18

Maybe she has read this thread...

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 16:14:15

Ooo er...

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Jan-14 16:16:57

She hasn't seen that behaviour for a "long, long time"? But you have, evidently, haven't you? So the next playdate will be exactly the same as the last ones. Don't go.

amidaiwish Wed 29-Jan-14 16:18:04

I'd go with Only1scoop's suggestion

DuskAndShiver Wed 29-Jan-14 16:25:56

wombles, do you think she is apologising and wants to carry on because she wants to be friends with you; or because she wants the children to play together?

If she realised there was a problem with her dd behaviour she should have acted though shouldn't she? That's the whole problem. Her attitude, not her dd behaviour.

My thoughts exactly.

I will send your reply. I think its a good un.

Just seen Only1scoops reply. Perhaps more tactful so I'll use that one.

DuskAndShiver maybe a bit of both, with emphasis on the latter.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 16:33:27

Wombles, having children, watching them develop and grow up is a learning process for all adults. I think you are looking for a reason to break acquaintance with someone not because they are a bad person but because you don't like her very much. She's said sorry and hopefully she has learned.

I would focus on the children's wishes/needs, not hers or yours.

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