Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

(380 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:06

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date smile

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed.... grin

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

PedlarsSpanner Mon 27-Jan-14 08:39:07

What is the arrangement wrt your parents?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:43:24

They have the fake date - as do all my family. I have told DH that even if his parents do get told on the morning I still don't want mine to know. I want to 'break the arrival news' to family/friends even if he isn't fussed about that experience. Thankfully my parents aren't petty enough to go down the "how come his parents knew and we didn't" route. They will completely understand why I wanted to keep it a secret smile

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Mon 27-Jan-14 08:45:49

I didn't tell anyone except my brother and sil who were watching my ds1 for me (and that's the only reason I had to tell them!).
I didn't want anyone to know as they wouldn't have known for a normal birth.

Also there is no way id have wanted anyone up that night except ds1 and DH, dont underestimate how much the CS will take out of you - it's major surgery!!!

You need to treat both sets of parents the same though in terms of telling them, so base your decision (and argument) on that.

LoveWine Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:17

To be honest I can't imagine not telling my own parents (or my husband's parents) about the birth of their grandchild. Not sure why all the secrecy. It's not like they'll be less happy and pleased just because they know the date of the birth. I think YABU.

Lottiedoubtie Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:31

Yanbu. I wouldn't want people sitting about in the hospital waiting for news either!

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:45

When people asked me for the date, I told them it was a secret as they wouldn't know the date if I went into labour anyway!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:26

love - they will know straight afterwards, it's hardly "keeping the birth of their grandchild from them" is it?? We aren't going to hide him away for days on end......

I just want people to find out afterwards, like what happens in normal labours, just like pineapple said.

TiredFeet Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:30

Yanbu, I had an elcs booked and dh and I gave out a fake date/or were vague about timings for precisely the reasons you mention

However, dd decided to surprise even us and showed up early...
So I wouldn't get too worked up about it as there are no guarantees baby will come on the agreed date anyway

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:43

Yanbu

Your birth, your baby, your choice

And you are not keeping any secrets, unless you plan to smuggle baby home under cover of night and keep it in a cupboard until it is 18

JethroTull Mon 27-Jan-14 08:52:05

YANBU. I wanted to keep the date of my ELCS a secret but I'm a blabber mouth & was too excited! I totally understand your point though. Good luck.

samandi Mon 27-Jan-14 08:53:05

To be honest I can't imagine not telling my own parents (or my husband's parents) about the birth of their grandchild. Not sure why all the secrecy.

Presumably because the OP's in laws are stark raving bonkers.

Nousernameforme Mon 27-Jan-14 08:54:01

Will his parents keep it a secret though or are they likely to go ringing round asking when other people are going in to hospital for a visit for instance and therefore putting their foot in it?
When I go in which unless it's an induction will be a surprise I will be telling everyone I've gone in and probably updating them and then letting them know when baby is born so the actual birth is not a surprise.
It is up to you I don't think either of you are BU but as it is you that has to go through it i do think he should go along with what you want

Tailtwister Mon 27-Jan-14 08:54:02

YANBU. Both sets of parents are being told in the same way and I think I would feel the same way about breaking the news after the birth.

hazchem Mon 27-Jan-14 08:57:25

I have to say I think I wouldn't tell anyone. Just announce it after the birth. I didn't tell people I went into labour. If you want to keep it a secret I think you OH should respect that. If he want to explain to his parents before hand that you wont be telling them until after the birth so they are prepared for that to happen it might smooth the way.

hiccupgirl Mon 27-Jan-14 08:58:18

YANBU

I really wouldn't like either my parents or PIL sitting at the hospital all day waiting to see the baby when I'm waiting for a major operation and nervous. You also need to be able to judge if you're up to seeing them that evening or if the next day would be better. Yes, they will be keen to see their grandchild but the world's not going to end if they have to wait a few hours. As long as you treat both sets of grandparents the same, I don't see a problem.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:58:30

samandi - my inlaws are actually really, really lovely, I am very lucky smile

In terms of them ringing round, they have nobody to ring. There is no other family really on my DHs side (except a brother he has no contact with) and his parents aren't close to my parents either. I have a huge family but my PIL wouldn't know how to contact them. If his parents do get told we will tell them it's otherwise a secret and I completely trust they wouldn't say anything.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 27-Jan-14 08:59:32

YANBU. I had to be induced with the DTs and the only people we told were my parents as they were having DS1 for us. We didn't even give a fake date, when people asked I just said yes we had a date but we weren't telling. everyone respected that.

I wouldn't want my own parents, let alone inlaws sitting at the hospital. how intrusive! what if you don't feel up to visitors straight after? I certainly didn't with DS1 and it will put huge pressure on you to agree to see them even if you don't feel up to it if they are already there.

plus what if there are emergencies etc on your date? it is perfectly possible that the date will move and then they will be bugging you on the phone wanting to know what is going on. and your DH will probably feel he has to keep phoning them to let them know what is going on.

sorry, my answer would be a categorical NO!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:00:02

Many many posters have complained on various threads about this type of thing about people (usually grandparents) who do turn up at hospital and do stay there all day, usually pestering staff trying to get them to bend the rules and generally making a pest of themselves.

If you do not want this to happen,you need to make sure you make it clear.

Your DH needs to remember it is you having an operation not him.

pootlebug Mon 27-Jan-14 09:00:04

Yanbu. I didn't have a c-section but my husband had assumed he would ring his and my parents to tell them as soon as I was in labour. I vehemently disagreed. The last thing I would have wanted was everyone hanging around the hospital and desperate to come in the moment they are allowed. Immediately post birth, via whatever method, your body has been through a lot and I just needed a few hours with my baby and husband only.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:01:10

hiccup - you're right, I may not even feel up to visitors at all. I'm probably going to look and feel like shit. Part of me is tempted to blanket ban all visitors on the first night anyway and just have it be me, my DH and the baby. I haven't dared cross that bridge with him yet though, lol grin

ll31 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:02:43

I think I'd be hurt if ds went so far as to tell me fake date..... Wouldn't let him know tho. Is this your first child? I've genuinely not met someone so concerned about telling people that theh are making up a date? Really?
I think you should relax and enjoy your pregnancy...

Jeggie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:02:53

I felt like this too. And I know people who didn't want their induction date known either. It is up to you. People like to get involved for some reason, but I felt it was private, can't explain why... intimate I guess. We didn't tell anyone for a few hours after the birth either and it was a special time just the 3 of us.

Annoyingly I accidentally let slip to an old work colleague and got a few texts from others at that workplace the night before which was rather grrrr (nice of them, but still...)

In any case the elcs may get postponed anyway if they are busy or there's any other hiccup. I had a bad cough and they contemplated postponing. You're months away too, loads could change by then. We were vague about the date with in laws and eventually said when we were going in but it probably/might not happen. They seemed to sense our reticence to say and were good about it. My family just heard the announcement. smile

Of course second time around we will need someone to look after lo... So likely to be more open. But everything is different now we've done it once.

Good luck.

Pigsmummy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:03:07

I think that you need to get your DH to understand that it isn't normal behaviour for grand parents to sit in a hospital waiting for a birth tbh.

They wouldn't want to sit in a canteen for several hours would they? They can visit baby when baby arrives.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Mon 27-Jan-14 09:03:31

Time for a hormonally fuelled tantrum perhaps?? wink
Thankfully our entire family is quite reasonable in issues like this, which is good because DP is a bigger blabber mouth than me! confused
Im not sure what, other than a prolonged and in depth tantrum it works for me you can do atm.
I suppose, in terms of them being in the way, even if they are holding a vigil in the hospital canteen, you don't HAVE to see them. You can just make it quite clear to the staff of whichever ward you are on, that you DO NOT want any visitors. DP can go find them and tell them the news at his leisure then.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Mon 27-Jan-14 09:04:11

Would you be willing to compromise? They can be told of the date, but they are warned that there's no point in them going to the hospital, as they won't be allowed to see the baby or you until that evening?

I'd say stick to your guns, but was just wondering if compromise is an option for you.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:06:01

LL31 - making up a fake date was just easier than getting hassled every time I saw someone with questions of "When is it going to be? When is it going to be?" I explained it was going to be kept a secret so was then constantly hassled with the "But why can't you just tell us?!" questions, over and over again etc, it was becoming unbearable and very annoying.

Onsera3 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:07:42

YANBU. I had natural birth and told DH before that his parents weren't to be informed when I went into labour as I didn't want them turning up at the hospital during or before I was ready to see them.

It was their first grandchild too and I'm sorry but the fact that it's something they've never experienced before is tough. It's not about them. It's about you, baby and hubby or whoever else you've chosen to have there. Enjoy a few magic moments together before sharing it with everyone else.

I think your DH's view isn't all that uncommon (I've heard of a DH keeping his parents informed of labour progress and them turning up at the hosp uninvited). But he needs to start making the transition to putting his family first- and that means the three of you, not your in laws. Sometimes they struggle with this.

Perhaps it might also be good to discuss what visiting arrangements will be in those early weeks to check you have same expectations. Found out the hard way thatDH and MIL thought it was reasonable for her to pick DS up when he was sound asleep and she would sulk if a visit didn't involve her holding him and him being wakeful. I was too tired initially to deal with it.

Good luck!

Jeggie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:07:59

I also didn't think I'd want any visitors and made this known.... But actually I was so flippin proud and in love I changed my mind on the day!

Ps you may not look shit, I had my eyelashes dyed a few days before and I had my last good nights sleep for 2 years! I look great in the photos. grin got a bit puffy at one point but generally great.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 09:08:39

Why make up a fake date instead of telling people you want to keep it private?

scarletforya Mon 27-Jan-14 09:09:14

Yanbu.

He is being a bit clueless. You'll have just had a major operation. I think you'll have to put your foot down.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:09:50

jeggie - you've hit the nail on the head. I just want it to be intimate and the 3 of us. Why does everyone else have to be involved??

pigsmummy - I don't think his parents would want to sit there all day at all, I've no idea why DH thinks they would grin

moon - I'm thinking your suggestion is probably the most logical. Why can't these things just be simple? smile

OhCaptainDarling Mon 27-Jan-14 09:10:02

I had a ELCS 10 days again, my family knew the date. However my sodding father told my Granny who at 90yr young was total over excited and told my cousin, who told FB etc etc....you can see where this is going. I was able to hit the quickly on the head and remove the post.

We told a few people, like my aunt who was looking after DD. One of my neighbours in case my aunt had any problems etc and DD's nursery.

Keep it too yourself, also it may change. I was first on the list, but got bumped at 8:30 too after lunch. My MIL was total freaking out that she hadn't heard from us. People worry, best to leave it as a lovely surprise.

Just my penny's worth

isisisis Mon 27-Jan-14 09:10:18

When I was pregnant & asked my due date a very savvy friend asked if it was my 'real' date. She'd always added 2 weeks on to avoid all the annoying 'anything happening yet' messages. When I went into labour we told no one. My mum guessed as I didn't reply to messages but kept it to herself. I ended up with an EMCS & told people after it was all done. I didn't have any visitors in hospital (was only in for 36hrs), & we had a few days at home before they all came (live far away, sister had to get time off work). It worked for us. If I have another it's likely to be ELCS & I would do what your doing.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 09:11:14

Putting the baby aside for a moment.

OP is having an operation.

How many ILs turn up to wait whilst an op is performed & visit immediately afterwards?

I think that all parents should only visit when OP wants tbh.

Hope you can pursuade your DH that as you don't absolutely know what will happen (baby could be early as a PP has said happened with her)
and as you don't want a lot of people fussing, you want to tell people after baby has arrived - I can completely see why and that that's more exciting for everyone. Can you not tell both sets of DGPs to be that they'll be the first to know ?
I don't see that any lying or keeping things from people is involved really. But you just want to be a little more private about things - and I can quite see why you wouldn't want your PILs hanging around the hospital all day when they can't be with you at all anyway. That would be madness. (You will be doing the hospital staff a favour keeping them away!)
And if they'll likely be visiting after 6pm in the evening would they need to take time off work anyway?

littlemrssleepy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:12:32

I understand what you mean. My dsil had her second by elcs. She knew the date, the sex of the baby and had named him. It certainly wasn't as exciting for us, but then it wasn't about us! Both mine were natural so not much choice with regards the date, but it was nice that the second could still generate the unknown excitement.

isisisis Mon 27-Jan-14 09:13:52

Do you think your husband wants them there as moral support/ back up for him & that's why he won't tell them not to come?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:04

Oh I've just recalled when I was having my youngest (planned induction) I made the school girl error of telling grandparents what date I was going in to hospital.

I ended up getting my friend who was with me to stash my phone for me (couldn't tun it off as I have disabled children and a fairly new carer looking after them) because not one hour went with out a " any news yet test". And several times staff coming in saying my mother had called.

Turned out it was not even my mother.

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:12

I think you need to make a compromise here.

You wanting to 'break the news' is lovely and totally understandable, but I don't think it's fair for you to dictate how your DH tells his own parents. It's his baby too, and although you are without a donut the most important person here by far, it's still a very important and special occasion for your DH and his parents as well.

Why would you want to take something away from them and even risk your in laws feeling a but upset when it really isn't going to make any difference to you whatsoever?

If you rang them on the morning when you are on the way into hospital you would avoid all the anticipation from other people and it would be too late for them to take the day off work anyway. Can't you just let your DH deal with his own parents his own way and get him to insist that they don't come to the hospital until they are invited?

Mishmashfamily Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:25

op this is exactly what happened when I was having dd!

Mil told me one day near the arrival date not to forget to ring her when I'm in labour as she was present at all the rest! shock dp thought this was perfectly normal !

It put me under so much stress because I just wanted dp there for us to spend quality time with those first specail moments . I went to go see SIL and she told me about her ELCS. She said it was a nightmare, she was just coming round and mil was knocking at the door to come in. SIL wanted to BF immidiatly but couldn't as every one was passing them around. She felt like shit and didn't want to tell every one to fuck off.

I worked up the courage to tell mil she wouldn't be in the room, she told dp privately she wasn't happy about it,that she would sit in the waiting room. After being told there was no waiting room, she exploded and said 'sit in the fucking car all night need be'

She totally spoiled my last month and I was so stressed out because this was my birth , not hers OR my dps.

I spoke to dp,told him ultimately this was my birth, if he was going to tell his DM , I wouldn't even tell him I was going in labour because it wasn't going to turn in to a circus. He realised how strongly I felt about it and told his DM.

The day before I was due she flew out of the country on a last min holiday, in secret, because she couldn't bare to be pushed out . So when I did have dd, when dp rang her to to tell her the news, she had a nice little surprise to tell him!

YOU are the one that is birthing this baby, it's a major operation. I ended up having a ESC and you are pretty messed up after it. Your dh has to go with what you want.

If you don't want people there....don't have them. If you think they will drive over any way, don't tell them.

Also my mil had promised my 11 year old dn that if he behaved him self in school, she would bring him with her! shock

OhCaptainDarling Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:43

Not too freaking you out but I react badly to epidurals, I spent several hours after DS was born throwing my guts up. The last person I would want to see would be my MIL.

You will of just had a major op and a baby!

They can just bloody wait 24hrs, good lord!

Good luck

WidowWadman Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:57

Had an ELCS with no 2 and knew the date from about 20 weeks onwards. Never occurred to me to keep it secret, in a way it made planning much easier (annual leave, when to start mat leave, childcare for no 1), and I don't think it took the magic away from anyone.

The joy and excitement will be there either way. Also, with a planned date I found there was much less hassle of "have you had it yet" etc.

I'm going against the majority here, but think the secrecy thing is pretty OTT.

Ra88 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:20:16

I personally don't understand all the secrecy either .

It more than likely isn't , but it seems abit like attention seeking at its best

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:20:59

So many replies - can't keep up smile

With regards to him needing his parents there for moral support - I wouldn't have thought so, though don't know for definite. I've had a very problematic pregnancy and DH has been extremely laid back about the whole thing, he isn't anxious or fretting. He has said though that he would hate to see me all cut open so will definitely not be looking over the sheets when they pull the baby out. I will ask him though if he is more nervous about it all than he's making out that he is. At the same time though he doesn't seem to think the operation is that big a deal, he seems to think that once the baby is out I'll be back to my perky self, up and about etc so won't understand why I might not feel up to visitors. I'm definitely worried about the whole breast feeding issue too - I don't want any visitors standing there gawping at me whilst I'm learning to do it. The last thing I'd want is an audience if I was struggling.

I think I need to have a sit down discussion -- with the TV turned off any everything-- and have a really good talk about all these issues. I worry that he is putting what his parents would like above what I would like.

firesidechat Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:19

As someone who became a grandparent for the first time this week, I can tell you that no one will be nonchalant even if they know the date.

We knew when she went in to labour and it was all incredibly exciting, nerve wracking and special. The phone call we got when the baby was born and everyone was safe and well was beyond price. Neither sets of grandparents went to visit until they had been asked to though.

We did have a bit of a debate about whether we wanted to know about her going into labour because I was concerned that we would have hours and hours of worry, but it was what our daughter wanted to do. In the end we had two days of worry which was nice hmm. If the parents had decided to tell us after the event I wouldn't have even thought about being upset or offended because it would be their baby, their decision.

I had inductions with both of my children and it never occurred to me not to let family and friends know.

The only thing you mention that puts me totally on your side is the fact that his parents will turn up at the hospital and wait for the birth. That is indeed bonkers and I would do exactly what you intend.

So YANBU.

CSIJanner Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:39

YANBU

I kept my ELCS a secret from everyone as well. The day before, I spent with my eldest and parents, a friend dropped eldest to nursery the next day and as I was the firs that day, I had DC2 around 1030 and the. Rang my parents whilst DH rang his. Surprises all round and less stress than the first time when people kept calling (I told DM I got a last minute cancellation slot!) Would the last excuse work for you?

Mishmashfamily Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:50

Perhaps it might also be good to discuss what visiting arrangements will be in those early weeks to check you have same expectations. Found out the hard way thatDH and MIL thought it was reasonable for her to pick DS up when he was sound asleep and she would sulk if a visit didn't involve her holding him and him being wakeful. I was too tired initially to deal with it

This with bells on!!!!!!!!!!

Mil had a raging cold and was sniffing up standing over dd crib, I told her not to pick her up as she was fast asleep, left the room. When I returned 2 mins later dd was wide awake and mil was holding her coughing to the side if that's going to make a difference. I was fuming .

As you can tell I clearly have a mil problem ......angry

I don't get the issue for the IL's of 'they've not experienced it before' they have, they had their own kid/kids and experienced going into labour etc.

Now it's the OP's turn and as she's the one actually giving birth and having the CS, if she doesn't want the IL's to know then I think that should be her choice. People don't know when you're going to go into labour, so they don't NEED to know anything in advance.

What is best for the baby is to bond with its parents and establish BF if thats the plan after making the strange ttransition from womb to world, not being bombarded with grandparents and passed from pillar to post!!

YANBU!!!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:22:25

So knowing that people are going to just turn up at the hospital and wait as long as it takes without you asking them or indicating its ok would not be enough to stop you telling?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:23:16

Ra88 - it's the opposite of attention seeking. I want to keep it a secret because I don't want people's attention and fuss smile

I had an induction which failed and turned into an EMCS and had both sets of parents in the waiting room throughout. This did not bother me at all. If they want to sit in a room for hours (and hours) sipping tepid coffee that's up to them. They were not allowed into the ward until visiting hours.

What was useful was that they were able to distract DH.

Beforehand I had tried to discourage the camp out as I could not see what they hoped to achieve by it. It's not like I was going to sit up suddenly and demand a full audience for whichever form of birth I ended up having...

In the end it honestly didn't affect me OP. I didn't see them at all. The only stress and inconvenience was for them. However, if you think it will cause you stress then your DH needs to consider your wishes before theirs as you are the one having surgery.

CSIJanner Mon 27-Jan-14 09:25:44

Oh - and you'll be in the hospital from 0630, waiting to be called down as they deal with ECS's from the day/night before plus anyone else in front of you, then there's the recovery room (lovely quiet time just the three of you) and then up to the chaos of the ward and their visiting times.

You could use the argument that they might be his parents but its you being cut open - it is major abdominal surgery after all. I personally preferred the "was called in for a last minute cancellation" line which worked well with the fake date scenario.

Also Writer he may think/worry that his DPs will be "upset" at when they're told about things, but actually when that news is "Congratulations, you have a little grandchild" I think they'll get over anything else quite quickly.
They could either pop in to see you that evening or next day or a few days later once you're home. All that can be up for negotiation too depending on how you're feeling/ what you prefer. Possibly visitors the next day may be what you'd like best?

Mishmashfamily Mon 27-Jan-14 09:26:19

Attention seeking? hmm

The fact your having baby trumps everyone . Do what best for you.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 27-Jan-14 09:28:01

I am amazed that you know the date so far in advance round here at all 4 hospitals if you will need an ELCS you go for an appointment at 37 weeks and they give you a date then based on how busy they are and individual case need. Equally I went in for my ELCS date and as DD had turned the previous day was sent home not needing one she arrived 30 days later.
The chances are you will be bumped right down the list as I cause several ladies to be when I had DD. They had both been told 9am ELCS, but I monopolised theatre and a very large team till 11 am.
I would develop some uncertainty in the way the hospital arrange things.

sisterofcaleb Mon 27-Jan-14 09:28:19

I think it's quite a good compromise to let people very close known on the morning of the section, makes it quite similar to going into spontaneous labour and letting people know (and in my case ignoring my phone from that point on!).

Totally don't think anyone should be turning up at the hospital without your say so though. Your DP feelings are obv important, but at the end of the day it's you who will have had a major op, all the crazy hormones flying around and trying to establish feeding (be it bf or ff).

You may be happy to have people there or you may not. I didnt know in advance. As it turned out I had a tough time and asked everyone to stay away from the hospital. Which as my family are nice kind rational people their was no problem with!

If people involved are not going to be able to respect your wishes depending on how you feel at the time then telling them is a different kettle of fish.

firesidechat Mon 27-Jan-14 09:28:50

Oh and I think that your DH has been watching too many movies, possibly American ones, where a whole posse of random relatives pace the floor in a waiting room, having various arguments and life changing heart to hearts.

This does not happen in real life.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:32:41

lonecat - I'm also surprised I have been given the date so early. It was at my 28 week appointment with my Consultant that the decision was made and she rang the Ward there and then to book my bed on this specific date smile I heard the midwife on the other end of the phone having a joke with her about how pro- active she was being but it was done no problem.

YANBU to not want them turning up and hanging around BUT I think giving everyone a fake date is really very silly and has the potential to cause a lot of upset. I would be really very sad if one of my children lied like that. It appears utterly childish.

If you're really worried that they won't respect your wishes and turn up anyway then tbh you're going to have problems with boundaries in the long term which are better dealt with sooner rather than later!

Catsize Mon 27-Jan-14 09:35:22

Not unreasonable. However, giving the fake date was a bit off perhaps, as someone else has said. Not sure why you didn't just say 'we are keeping it a secret', then any nuclear fallout with the outlaws could have been handled at that stage.

kally195 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:35:35

YANBU.

We have already decided that we will not be telling OH's parents when I go into labour - they have already stated that "if we think anything will stop them jumping in the car the minute they find out then we have another thing coming". This was said when OH was out the room - his reaction when I told him was hysterical. There is a reason I married this man.

We haven't decided about my parents (they will respect whatever decision we make as to when they come), but I am entirely confident that OH will ensure that what I want happens.

For us, it's not so much about having people hanging round the hospital (all being well I will be in a MLU and out as soon as 6 hours after birth), but about us having both the emotional and physical time and space to deal with labour/birth and going home as a family of three.

I think you do need to have a calm discussion with your OH to try to make him understand where you are coming from. You are having serious surgery on top of the whammy of a baby appearing - your needs come first.

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 09:36:17

I worry that he is putting what his parents would like above what I would like.

That's understandable.

But putting what you would like first doesn't have to mean disregarding your DHs feelings and his parents feelings completely.

Why can't you compromise on allowing them to know on the day when you are having the baby but then asking them to wait until they are invited to see it?

I would also have a word with the midwives when you get to the hospital OP. Tell them the delegation are stressing you and you don't want to see them. From experience I can't see them sitting at home.

I think (trying to be kind) it is their way of controlling stress by being relentlessly present. Obviously their stress is more important (to them) than yours. But You are the patient, not them. The hospital, the doctors and the midwives have a duty of care to you, not them so they can wait til they are blue in the face, I can't see them being allowed access to you if you state otherwise.

myroomisatip Mon 27-Jan-14 09:37:05

YANBU at all.

I had 2 CSs. It is major surgery, not to mention all the hormones raging at the same time.

Everyone should respect your wishes.

StrawberryMojito Mon 27-Jan-14 09:40:22

Your DH is right you are lying to them and they may a bit upset. You have described them as really lovely so why would you want to do that?

Your baby, your rules and all that but surely better just to be honest with them and say this is the date but don't visit until we are ready.

And it is a bit attention seeking when one of your reasons is to get better, more magical reactions.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:41:42

regarding the fake date as so many people are asking about it.

We only did it because despite telling everyone we were keeping it a secret they continued to pester me! Constantly saying, "But why can't you just tell us? We won't tell anyone? Just tell us when it's happening" etc. every time I visited someone I was still being given the 3rd degree. Or worse still they were giving me their opinions and when they predicted it would be followed by, "I'm right aren't I? I know I am!" etc. It just became too much. Since the fake date has been given everyone had just stopped going on about it - it's lovely!!

I think the compromise will be that I'm happy for him to tell his parents, but I will be there too when he does so I can let them know they won't be allowed to see me etc - as I doubt DH will make this clear. But DH has to accept that come the day I might not be up for visitors and he has to respect that and not push me into it just to keep his parents happy.

lylasmam2012 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:41:50

YANBU

We told people when I was going in to be induced - I was 14 days over - the maximum they will let you over so people would have known either.

Both myself and DD had complications after which resulted in us not ringing people until 5 hours after she was born. I was in surgery and she was in ICU, I had her back for a whole hour before all the grandparents arrived in. Luckily they scarpered when I DD was looking for a feed.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 09:42:39

I also knew very early on date of elcs. It never occurred to me to give anyone a 'fake date'. I certainly allowed no visitors at hospital though just us and baby.
Perhaps you feel you want to keep some suprise element as you also know sex etc.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:44:42

strawberry - you think I'm attention seeking because I want to excitedly tell people I've had my baby and then hear them be excited too?

Why shouldn't I be allowed to break the news how I want to? It's my baby. I don't understand why it's selfish to put my IL's wants (well what my DH thinks they would want) before my own?

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 09:45:26

I find it a bit odd but each to their own.

I also would never dreamt of imposing a visitor ban either so I think we must just be polar opposites. Good luck OP hope it all goes well.

FruitbatAuntie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:46:08

I didn't tell my family the date for DS2's CS (or even that I was definitely having a CS) as I knew they would get all worked up and panicky about it - because they get very overwraught about anything stressful or health related.

It turned out fine - just rang them as soon as we got up to the ward (so only an hour or so after he was born) and said, 'Guess what the loud noise in the background is?'. They were thrilled and did admit they would have been awake all night worrying about me for days beforehand if they'd known.

That said, even if they did know, they wouldn't have turned up at the hospital and waited for it all to happen! Unless you are desperate for them to be there, there is no need for that at all. It was bad enough when my parents turned up the day after I had DS1. I was very ill and felt dreadful, couldn't sit up let alone get out of bed, DS1 was in NICU and they couldn't go in to see him without me being there too. They spent all day moaning at me that they couldn't see the baby, that DP was being a lazy fucker for wanting to sit with me and help me instead of decorating our new house, and complaining that they hadn't been fed all day despite us pointing out where several local cafes were. I wasn't doing that again...

What if they waited all day long and then you got sent home as they couldn't fit you in due to EMCSs? Would they come again all day the next day?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:46:22

I meant it's not selfish to put my wants before the IL's wants

persimmon Mon 27-Jan-14 09:46:41

The fake date makes me a bit hmm Seems duplicitous. People
are naturally excited and happy about an impending birth. Imagine how hurt you'd be if no-one cared. I think you're over-thinking it and getting in a pickle. I know it's your baby and very, very special, but its birth affects others, too.

FruitbatAuntie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:47:52

Oh btw I did obviously tell someone (friend) that I was having a CS and when, so they could look after DS1. And DP told his family but they aren't very interested in our kids full stop so were unlikely to turn up and keep vigil.

ExcuseTypos Mon 27-Jan-14 09:48:11

YAB a bit U

As other's have said I think you do need to take your DH's wishes into consideration although, obviously you're wishes are paramount.

I think letting him phone his parents in the morning is a compromise.

(I had an ELCS and I told every everyone grin

Bumbez Mon 27-Jan-14 09:50:25

I think yanbu. I had an elective lscs for my second and missed the excitement of telling everyone she was here, as everyone knew the planned date and what sex! Mind you it was easier to sort out childcare for dd1 smile

If you are wondering if anyone will be upset about the fake date you could tell a tiny white lie, that your membranes ruptured so the lscs was bought forward- it was all a rush with no time to tell anyone ?

HungryHorace Mon 27-Jan-14 09:50:31

YANBU.

We didn't tell anybody when I went into labour. The first they knew was when we rang and told them afterwards. I didn't want the added pressure of people texting for updates while I was in labour (his brother gave blow by blow updates of his wife's induction a few months previously so they'd have been constantly badgering for news).

I then had visitors the day after as my EMCS was too late to see people that day. I probably wouldn't have been up to it either as I was exhausted.

This time my inlaws will have to have DD for the day, but they will be sworn to secrecy. I probably still won't be able to have visitors that day though as it's likely I'll still be in recovery in the short time frame they're allowed.

ExcuseTypos Mon 27-Jan-14 09:50:47

It's your DH's baby too- please remember that- yes your the one who's got to have the CS, which is why your wishes should take priority BUT don't ignore what your DH wants.

ebwy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:51:09

get your midwife to explain in graphic detail what is involved with having a caesarian, and the pain and recovery etc. and about lochia and leaking breasts. and the hormones.

and ask him if he'd want his inlaws around him if they'd had to cut through several major organs of his not long before.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 09:51:52

Op....although I personally think the 'fake date' think is rather dramatic. Regarding your il's possibly rocking up for the duration at the hospital YANBU at all. I couldn't think of anything worse than having anyone other than dp hanging around at the hospital. Spell out to him that this is not the done thing really. If you want visitors the next day then that depends on you.

ladymontdore Mon 27-Jan-14 09:53:03

What MrsMinevers said!
Fake date a bad idea - they are still going to be ringing up for progress checks, "only three days to go etc" and you will be lying to them. Also I think the fake date IS a bit 'making a drama' of it, and when you explain why you did i,t a bit embarrasing. Just be vague!
Just say the date hasn't been confirmed, it hasn't really, although bed is booked lots can change!
People are interested in people they love having babies - you will get lots of comments however secretive or open you are about it. It's up to you if you find it annoying!
YAtotallyNBU with regard to the hanging round in hospital thing. How about 'I won't be able to have any visitors for 24 hours after coming round'. Say it plainly and simply - I won't be able to / can't rather than 'don't want to / not sure'. Don't get drawn into discussions, it's just a fact. I had no visitors at all for 2 weeks after DD1, I don't regret it!
Does your DH actually know that they want to come along or is he just assuming? Perhaps email or phone your MIL yourself?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:53:48

excusetypos - I definitely don't want to upset DH so if telling his parents is what he really wants to do then I won't stop him, but, he needs to make it clear to them that if I'm not up for visitors then they need to accept that - and he has to support me in that too.

He's had his way with everything else throughout this pregnancy (he wanted to know the sex so we did, he chose the nursery theme, he has chosen the name) so what's one more thing? Haha grin

DigestivesAndPhiladelphia Mon 27-Jan-14 09:54:45

I think there is something really special about close family members meeting their new relative as a newborn.

With my first, my mum & dad plus MIL & SIL all ended up camped out in the waiting room. They were there for a very long time as labour didn't progress & I ended up with a c-section. It was at least 2am by the time they came through to meet the new baby (I was in recovery but said they could come through). They certainly didn't hang around for long. They took some photos though & had a quick hold of DS, all alert from birth & still wrapped in a towel.

I felt a bit sad that my parents didn't see my other DC so soon (they were babysitting for us so came a few hours later with the others). It was still quite soon I suppose, but not in that magical first part.

Anyway, obviously it's about how comfortable you feel with visitors, how close you are to your in-laws etc. It's just that I can see your DH's point as well, it sounds like he just wants to involve his parents in such an exciting event. Wait & see how you feel later that day - you might have a surprising urge to show off your new baby & be ready for visitors sooner than you thought. Then again, you might not! grin

CSIJanner Mon 27-Jan-14 09:55:31

Actually, if he's insisted on choosing names, nursery and finding up gender, you'd be within reason to insist on this one thing for yourself.

higgle Mon 27-Jan-14 09:56:33

I think the "fake date" was a bit of a mistake, in effect it is a lie, which I think very close relations would find hurtful. When I had my sons we contacted parents and in laws to let them know I was going to hospital ( 1st time) and we were calling the midwife out ( second time) and then asked them to wait for more news. I would not have wanted anyone other than DH to visit hospital or home in the first 3 days or so. I think you should tell them when you go into hospital but ask them not to visit until you feel up to it. Far too much pressure to have relations hanging about at the hospital ( a bit like those old fashioned royal births where the Prime Minister had to be present!) Good luck with the birth, hopefully it will all go so well you'll be discharged and home before the delegation turns up.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 09:56:42

I don't wish to offend you, OP, but your husband seems to get his own way a lot.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:58:31

ladymont - I don't think his parents would want to hang around all day, but he is adamant they would?! Why is why I'm going to be there when the discussion is had with them so I know he gives them the true picture I.e they won't actually be allowed to see us or baby until 6pm visiting anyway.

ReticulatingSplines Mon 27-Jan-14 09:59:58

We found out the ELCS date at the 12w scan. We just told people the date although initially I wasn't sure about doing so.

I was absolutely desperate to get back to the ward so my parents could bring DS up to meet his baby sister. But I had no desire to see anyone else other than DH.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:00:39

anyfucker - it's probably because I haven't been too fussed either way about the decisions regarding sex/nursery/name so have been quite relaxed about his thoughts - I figure if it's something he really wants and I'm not against it then what's the harm? grin

bragmatic Mon 27-Jan-14 10:02:27

My SIL had an ELCS for her second. She said she wanted to tell everyone when the baby was here, like the first time. We were all cool with it, and I think it's entirely reasonable. We knew the week she'd deliver, but not exactly when. It was nice to receive the phone call: "He's here!"

Like any other baby, we went to the hospital when the delivering mother invited us to. The next day, from memory.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 10:04:18

Blimey OP!

Have you had anything to do with this baby so far?

That said, if you are OK with what he has chosen, then that's OK.

If everyone was reasonable, you could just tell them that it's currently booked for X date & you will let them know how everyone is after the op & when they can visit.

If you get on with your ILs, perhaps you could tell them that you won't be wanting visitors on the day & re sure they understand that?

Maybe it's your husband who ibu-they might not want to be involved in the way that he thinks.

He seems to be over compensating for fear of them being left out.

If you all get on well, there's no reason to think that they will be pushed aside for your parents.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 10:05:59

Sorry, put after the op.

Meant of course to put after the birth.

Balaboosta Mon 27-Jan-14 10:06:45

You are playing silly games. Just have your baby and stop trying to stage manage the whole thing.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:08:47

diddl - it's interesting you say that about overcompensation and it may be a very valid point. There are 3 other grandchildren (from my DH's brother) but my IL don't really see them as they live abroad. The children are 5, 3 and 11 months and the IL probably see them once or twice a year. Also, my SIL is a very strange character, isn't nice to my IL and will not let them be 'grandparents'. I know how much this upsets my IL, especially MIL. Maybe my husband is going OTT because he wants his parents to experience the 'magic' of grandchildren starting from Day 1.

The problem with expecting people to respect your wishes and stay at home is that often, when dealing with a seasoned hysteric, they will ignore your wishes and do what they want anyway.

OP had to invent a fake date to stop them badgering her after she said she didn't want to tell them the date. They clearly believe that their wants and needs are more important than hers, and that is not going to change. They don't care if they cause stress to a pregnant woman, as long as their needs are met.

I can totally understand why she told them a fake date. It is an easier solution with less fallout than "would you ever get the fuck out of my face?"

I agree with Anyfucker, your husband does get a lot of his own way. To add to what I said above about the hospital's duty of care; remember that you are the patient OP, not them, and not your husband. Within reason it will be your wishes which take precedent as long as you make those wishes clear.

zgaze Mon 27-Jan-14 10:10:05

I had a haemorrhage AND the epidural shakes AND threw up continuously for hours after my ELCS, no one could have seen me or the baby for hours even if they wanted to. Through all that I had the baby latched on feeding too (hungry girl). My advice is to get the midwives & nurses on your side, they won't let anyone near you if you don't want them to. Once it had all settled down I actually didn't mind people coming in, I was so proud and frankly glad to be alive that I just wanted to show DD off. It was quite a few hours though.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:11:15

littlegrey - it was getting to the stage where I could feel myself boiling over inside. I had reached my breaking point. It was either a fake date or, like you said, swearing at them. My mom would never forgive me if I used the word fuck in her presence, lol - I couldn't risk that happening grin

clam Mon 27-Jan-14 10:12:08

And bear in mind that it's quite likely that you won't want visitors at 6pm either. It might be an idea to plant that seed in your dh's their heads at this point too.

notundermyfoof Mon 27-Jan-14 10:12:20

Ya SO nbu! I've had 2 natural births and initially agreed to call dm and mil when I went into labour but when it happened I couldn't bear the thought of anyone thinking about me confused so we called after the baby arrived. There was never any mention of the fact that we hadn't called beforehand, they were all just so happy about the new baby. They will have plenty of time to coo over the little one when you're ready for visitors and if it looks like they will be annoyed about the fake date you can just tell them there was a last minute cancellation.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:12:49

zgaze - I completely agree, I will be so excited to show off the baby but I just need to know my husband will support me if I say I don't feel up to it. I don't want the pressure of "Well my parents have been sat in the canteen for X hours.....I can't just turn them away....." etc etc

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:14:38

So it's been easy so far wrt decision making.You defer to him because you don't feel strongly

Well, do you think strongly about this issue or not. I think you do, hence posting here (when I assume you didn't need to share other stuff on here), so why wouldn't you say "this time I get to make the rules"

Atm, you seem shy of putting your foot down and actually seem to be relying on visiting time to keep unwanted visitors away instead of making it clear it is up to you and you will make say when it happens

CSIJanner Mon 27-Jan-14 10:14:50

Okay - I'll bite.

There's the magic of being a grandparent from day one, and then there's the magic of discovering you're a new parent from day one. Your IL's have had that - don't let your husband run roughshod over your wishes if they are important to you because you'll resent it. At no point have you seemed to show that yu will exclude your IL's from your child's life.

And on the other hand, if you tell his parents, you have to tell yours. And then the floodgates open or yo'll end up favouring one set of parents over the other.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:15:39

you will when when it happens < wishes for short-time edit button >

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:15:52

say fuck

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:19:06

CSI - no chance of excluding them from our child's life, they live on the same street grin They are going to be the most amazing Grandparents, I have no issues with that at all, but I just want that family time, me, DH and baby - and not have to worry about factoring in other people's feelings in those first few days. I want to be in our own little happy bubble grin

Thankfully my parents would 100% understand why I kept it a secret, they aren't the sulky types. I'm pretty sure that when they hear the news they'll be too happy to care that I hadn't told them beforehand that it was happening smile

ExcuseTypos Mon 27-Jan-14 10:20:04

Oh now I've seen he's got his own way in everything else, I agree with AnyFucker and I've changed my mind.

You feel strongly about this, so stick to your guns!!

Learn and repeat AF's phrase "this time I get to make the rules".

(And as a fellow, easy going type of person, I'll file it away for future use)

basgetti Mon 27-Jan-14 10:21:00

YANBU. Maybe bad form but I have read some of your other threads and your DH sounds quite selfish. If he can't even put you first at the one time you matter most in the world then it really doesn't say alot for him. You need to put your foot down.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:21:20

anyfucker - you're right, I do feel strongly about this. I don't want to keep his parents away at all, if they want to sit in the canteen all day then let them, but I need to get my husband on board that they can only visit when I feel up to it. I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 27-Jan-14 10:21:28

Just from the other side of this, as I said above we told my parents when my induction was for the DTs as they were having DS1. I went in at 9am on the Friday morning, called my parents at 10pm that night to say we were moving to delivery to break my waters. Things then got hairy in the morning and we didn't have time/thought to call them. DTs arrived around 11am and with the dramas we couldn't call until about 1.30pm. my mum was frantic with worry as to why it had taken so long and of course when she called the midwives wouldn't tell her anything. she was very very stressed by it all by the time we could call to tell her. (DTs were both fine btw).

time goes very slowly when you're waiting for the phone to ring and what if there is some reason you have to delay calling? or worse DH decides to leave you as he has to all them to update?

I would strongly advise not telling them. its not like its dual standards, you don't want to tell your DPs either!

Wingdingdong Mon 27-Jan-14 10:21:37

My ELCS date changed twice in the run-up to the birth. Once put back by 3 days as they realised they were going to be chocka on a Friday and wouldn't cope with emergencies, and then brought forward by a week due to going into PTL three times (they wanted to avoid natural labour, DC1 had got well and truly stuck and I'd had an EMCS with various complications for the baby). I wouldn't be giving anyone any dates whatsoever until a fortnight or so before, just give them "likely to be week of...”. Everyone I know who's had an ELCS got the date changed.

Even when DC2 was born, I was first on the list but three EMCS took priority, obviously, so the birth was mid-afternoon instead of 7.30am. The woman scheduled third came back to postnatal at around 6.30pm, the woman scheduled 4th was bumped to next morning (she turned up on postnatal at lunchtime, having been in the antenatal with us since 6.30am the previous day).

I'd also second what everyone else says about it being a major operation. DH went totally against my instructions with DC1’s birth; EMCS was performed at 9.30pm and I was taken to the ward at around 1am. Obviously DH wasn't allowed to stay so I was on my own with a newborn I had to change myself whilst paralysed from the waist down. At one point in the night I fell out of the bed whilst trying to pick DC up. Because it is a major operation, they had to come and do obs every 2-3 hours, usually just when I'd fallen asleep. You can imagine how delighted I was to see PIL the second visiting hours began at 9am (not DH because the hospital has a rule of only 2 visitors at a time - DH had ignored my instructions not to tell his DPs which hospital/ward and was then very surprised that they turned up, especially because they got there first and he wasn't allowed in).

I was struggling to BF, partly due to the pain of trying to sit up, and having spectators didn't make it easier. I would have much preferred it if they could have waited at least until the catheter was out, I was able to stand, have a shower and get changed out of the bloodstained theatre gown. There was only one chair, so FIL sat on my bed, on the catheter line, wrenching the catheter partway out. Absolute fucking agony.

I never wanted to see them again, and I usually get on so well with my PIL! But timing is everything. You do know that as the patient you can block visitors? So you can simply say "nobody other than DH for the first x hours" and there's nothing any of them can do about it. Good luck!

hedwiggywiggerson Mon 27-Jan-14 10:22:40

Can you speak to your midwife about it and have her impress on him what will be happening with the surgery and how you are likely to be after, establishing breastfeeding etc?

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:22:42

I haven't read any other threads. Just getting a feel about this one.

MagratGarlik Mon 27-Jan-14 10:23:40

We told people the date of The ELCS for both ours, though in the case of ds1, the hospital moved it forward by a day at the last minute and in the case of ds2 I only decided to change plans from a VBAC to ELCS less than a week before my due date.

In both cases we told family that the hospital would not allow visitors after C-section for more than 24 hours. Tbh the little fib was well worth it. Immediately after surgery you will be in bed with drips, a catheter and presumably trying to get to grips with breast feeding. If they have given you morphine (I had with ds1) you may be feeling distinctly groggy.

So, I'd advise start managing their expectations now about how much you will be up for visitors immediately after the birth - no hanging around the hospital from the morning of the CS, but if it is important to your dh, let him tell his folks on the morning of the operation.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:26:16

I totally understand that. I even turned my own mum away when she turned up at the hospital and asked could she come in the delivery room.

OP, it's best you sort this and sort it clearly now.

Nobody at the hospital but you and DH. No visitors at all until the next day (or whatever suits you). Them'z the rules for everyone and if they have a probelm they can go swing, including your husband

Don't rely on visiting restrictions to do it for you and don't let your H ride rough shod over your feelings.

You are the one going through major surgery. This is your call. Nobody suffers for waiting 24 hours.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:26:50

Bloody hell wingding - sounds like something out of a horror film. No wonder you were so pissed off!

hedwiggy - that's a good idea about getting my Midwife to speak to him. The problem is that he's at work when my appointments are. Maybe I could start a thread on the childbirth section asking people how quickly they felt up for visitors after their ELCS and show my DH the responses.

QueenThora Mon 27-Jan-14 10:26:58

Only skimmed thread, but I'm with you OP. We did this second time around after my first birth experience - traumatic and agonising ending in EMCS - was punctuated by unhelpful, negative calls and texts from my mum. (At least she wasn't actually there, but what she did was bad enough.)

We had an ELCS booked for DC2 and told everyone it was 2 days later than it really was. In the event, I went into labour unexpectedly early so ended up having the baby a week early anyway, but either way I got what I wanted – privacy and not being harassed on the day.

Your DH's parents should respect your wishes as you are the one going through this experience, along with the baby whose needs are also paramount. Anyone else who thinks it is all about them deserves to be left out of the loop IMO.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:29:01

WW does your husband not listen when you speak ?

You are looking for every solution but the obvious one. Trying to find ways to work indirectly around a problem while ignoring the elephant in the room ?

QueenThora Mon 27-Jan-14 10:31:45

Yes I have to echo what wingding said too - you don't want visitors right after a CS, except your partner and maybe most intimate friends who you don't mind seeing you paralysed, bloated and covered in blood with a bag of urine dangling at the side of your bed, while you try to BF and weep with exhaustion. OK it might not be that bad, but it can be, and a couple of days to get cleaned up, catheter out and get used to the baby makes a huge difference.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 10:36:55

Agree AnyF
Writer....Your DP should be listening to you regarding this.
I have read many of your threads previously.... and there often appears to be a bit of a theme with your Dp not really listening/hearing what you have to say.
The situations you seem to worry about wouldnt occur if the two of you can just sit down and discuss your reasons.

IEvenBurnToast Mon 27-Jan-14 10:39:16

I am so glad I had my children when I lived out of the country and had zero interference from anyone. These threads make my teeth hurt.

WitchWay Mon 27-Jan-14 10:40:24

My parents & ILs knew the date of my planned section in advance & we just told them they were not to visit until the following day "because the hospital prefers women who've had CS to be left to recover for 24 hours"

My mother found this difficult (first grandchild) but she didn't come early - 2 hour drive for my Ps anyway

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 10:40:51

If you live nearby & get on, there's no way they won't have a good relationship with their GC.

Even if they dön't see her for a few days or until you get home or whatever.

My PFB was prem, my husband phone both sets of parents & bugger me mine turned up when I'd wanted them to come the next day.

I had had an easy birth, no stitches & it still pissed me off!

Looking back I can see why they did as we didn't know if PFB would live, but at the time I thought fucking hell, am I never going to be listened to!

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 10:43:07

I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

Maybe he does understand, but thinks that you aren't considering the fact that you might be fine and happy, which is also a strong possibility. You seem to be going for the worst case scenario instead of the most positive.

It will be much easier for your DH to tell his parents after the birth that they need to wait than it will be to tell them now.

If he tells them now that they aren't welcome, it's understandable that they might feel hurt because it's basically saying that you don't want to see them no matter what. Whereas if you (or DH) says that you want to wait and see how things go, and then tell them to wait if you're not up to it, then they won't have any reason to feel that they are being deliberately pushed away.

Remember that for your happy little bubble to become a reality, you need DH to be happy too. If he's worrying about upsetting his parents over his biggest life event ever, then he's not going to be as happy.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 10:44:37

I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

Maybe he does understand, and he just doesn't care.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 10:48:16

Woowoo I'm with you! I find it a bit strange to impose a visitor ban before you've even had the baby...

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:50:03

Woowoo - I always prepare for the worst smile I'm having my ELCS due to two health conditions I have and there is quite a good chance I could deteriorate within the first 24 hours after the birth and although I'm prepared for this it is just another reason why I don't want people just turning up.

I think I'm going to tell my husband that we can tell his parents the real date but let them know it's pointless them sitting at the hospital all day and that we will call them once the baby is born. Also we will make it clear that I might not feel up for visitors on the first night but they will obviously be welcome if both I and baby are ok. My PIL are very reasonable and I don't think they will mind this at all but my husband doesn't share the same view point.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:52:31

I don't find blanket bans odd at all when it comes to birth - when my cousin had her baby she always said that whilst she was in hospital she didn't want any visitors as she wanted it to be a time for just her, her DH and their baby. They knew that once they got home they'd be inundated with visitors and so they just wanted those few days together as a family unit.

Nobody found it odd - well, not that they said anyway. Why shouldn't they have that time?

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 10:53:20

That seems like a nice thing to do. Maybe you should speak to PIL instead of DH

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:54:43

I worried my husband will be disappointed when he realises that actually his parents don't want to sit in a hospital canteen for 12 hours grin

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 10:55:28

Ok, to put another positive spin on it then, it's nice that your DH is considerate of his parents feelings.

It means that he appreciates them, and that in turn will help him be a good parent.

If he is considerate towards his own parents then he is more likely to be considerate of you as the mother of his children, and it shows that family is important to him. That's what you want from a guy you're about to have a baby with! smile

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 10:56:58

I personally find it strange purely because I very very close to my family. My mum was a birthing partner. My Dad and Bro came to the hospital at 11pm to see us for 5 mins in the corridor. People find that odd but to me that's just my family grin I think my use of odd or strange probably weren't the best. I couldn't wait for PIL to come in the following day either... Maybe I'm odd...

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 27-Jan-14 10:57:12

I think that there are 2 separate issues here and you need to approach them separately.

The first is the 'fake date'. I do think that is a bit odd and that YABU. What you are doing is lying about something very significant. Not a great start to family relations. It would be better to say you don't want to tell them than to lie.

But the second issue is the fact that DHs parents seem to want to camp out at the hospital when you go in. YANBU at all not to want that. It's too much pressure on you. On the day DS was born by ELCS I saw only my DH and my 2 DDs.

The best outcome if you can achieve it is to be truthful about the date but be very clear that you do not wish anyone to come to the hospital until the next day (or whenever you prefer).

Wishing you well.

gotthemoononastick Mon 27-Jan-14 10:57:46

OP , feeling sorry that you are going through this added stress.So difficult if you do not have a choice,or it is threatened.What is wrong with people..so intrusive.

Still can not believe the ghastly babies being born on TV programs.Totally removes the mystery and intimacy from the process.Don't start me on the circuses of randoms all watching and videoing!

Lucked Mon 27-Jan-14 10:59:59

If you weren't having a elcs would you have informed grandparents that you were going into the hospital when in labour? I think most people phone grandparents when the birth is going to be imminent but I may be wrong. Knowing you are in hospital doesn't meant they will descend en mass - most have more respect for your wishes.

What you could do is make plans for the fake date about when they would visit in the evening to reassure yourself they won't be hanging around the hospital all day.

We told people the date but had childcare to organise. My parents made loads of plans around the date and even went away the week before my date as they took it as read that the baby wouldn't come any other day, they were rather taken aback when I pointed out I could still go into labour before that date!

I can promise you that even though they knew the date they were just as excited as at the birth of DS.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:00:19

I'm lucky as he is very considerate of his parents, they do a lot of lovely things for us and he does care about them a lot. The reason he doesn't speak to his brother is because he doesn't like the way his brother and his wife treat his parents. I know everything he is saying is born from concern over his parents feelings - but I think the way he is assuming they will feel and what he is assuming they will want to do isn't the reality. We all just need to sit down together really. I think my DH will be surprised at how understanding and relaxed his parents will actually be about the whole thing.

Andanotherthing123 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:01:02

Hi, am having my CS on wed, just wanted to say that I've been told no visitors first day except DH and DC. My mum was with us for my first ELCS, then just DH for my second ELCS and it was lovely to have the peace and quiet. I'm really close to my mum, but I so enjoyed the calmer atmosphere!

HazleNutt Mon 27-Jan-14 11:01:28

OP, that's a good plan - tell them the date, but that you will probably not be up to visitors and will let them know if that changes.
There have been many threads here where mums feel resentful for years and years, because their first hours or days with their new baby were ruined by pushy relatives, visiting before the new mum was ready for them. And yes, it will absolutely be harder to turn them away if they have been sitting in the cafeteria for the whole day.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 27-Jan-14 11:01:33

X post with you OP.

Hope it all goes well.

IEvenBurnToast Mon 27-Jan-14 11:03:56

LadyMacbeth is right. I would tell them the date, but say you want privacy and to be alone to recover a bit. That's the part where you have to put your foot very firmly down.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:06:32

ladymacbeth - we initially told them we wanted to keep the date a secret but if anything it made things worse. I posted a few pages back about it, but the constant questions and hassle, despite them knowing our wishes, was just too much. Since we gave a fake date all the questions and annoyance has stopped. And I don't think my IL would want to camp out at all, they certainly haven't said they want to - it's my DH who seems to think they would and wants to allow them to have this opportunity
smile

lucked - even if I was having a natural labour I doubt very much I'd want people to know when it started. When my sister had her 2nd baby the first I knew was when I got a text message from her partner whilst I was at work.....the excitement and euphoria was amazing!! It did of course mean I couldn't focus all afternoon smile When she'd had her first baby I'd gone to see her whilst she was in labour and then spent the next 14 hours worrying about her and fretting as to why I hadn't heard anything. I preferred it 2nd time round when I didn't know smile

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 11:07:05

All this "be thankful he is considerate of his parents" is a bit odd when you think the person deserving of the most consideration here is the woman having major surgery ie. this man's wife.

If a bloke places his parents feelings at a higher priority than his wife's that is a recipe for disaster

Also, I firmly believe that setting your stall out clearly in advance of the heightened emotions of babies being born is much more sensible than leaving it to the last minute. You can always relax any sanctions if all goes better than you thought it might at the time. Expecting to have to to impose your will when you are post delivery and potentially not feeling your best is a silly idea.

nutellaontoast Mon 27-Jan-14 11:07:33

So your options are:

1) Tell parents on morning of, they may hang out in the canteen all day, or bug the staff a bit. You might have to say hello at some stage when you're not in the mood.

2) Tell them wrong due date, don't tell them about birth until after. DH feels guilty, they feel lied to and hurt.

Of course you've every right to ask for just DH during the birth and to limit visits to allow recovery etc, but perhaps you should weigh everyone's reactions versus the the likely impact of partial compromise before committing to a course of action which seems likely to alienate.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs Mon 27-Jan-14 11:07:59

OP I just want to pop in and say YANBU. You sound really nice and you're prepared to have them be a part of the baby's life. But I completely understand your concern and think your DH should back you up. You can always change your mind immediately after the birth and call them to come over but someone saying that they'd be waiting in the hospital for me to finish giving birth would make me feel massively under pressure. Stick to your guns and emphasise all the nice things you've said on here about how you want them involved, just not on that day. Maybe you should talk to PIL WITH your DH rather than letting him deal with it alone? You said they're nice, I'm sure they'll see your point?

nutellaontoast Mon 27-Jan-14 11:08:44

Ah bollocks what do I know. Maybe they'll love it.

I've never had visitors in hospital except for DH, but wasn't in for long with either .... dd I was in overnight and DH stayed till the evening and then went home and back to see us and then take us home next morning.
With ds I stayed in for the afternoon and then we went home to see big sis dd and granny (who'd come up earlier to look after dd) We tended to tell people after the event apart from needing someone to look after dd the second time. Visitors the next day or next few days are much nicer I think - something to almost look forward to wink

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 11:27:42

AF, of course the person actually carrying the baby is worthy of the most consideration.

No one is suggesting otherwise.

That doesn't mean that she is the only person worthy of consideration though.

It's her day first and foremost, but it is also a day that a whole family gets a new member, as well as being the first day of a whole new persons life. Presumably OP won't be the only person ever to love and care for this new new family member, therefore she is not the only person that is going to have significant feelings around the birth.

AnneElliott Mon 27-Jan-14 11:28:16

OP UANBU. I can't think of anything worse than having people in the canteen waiting for you to finish!
Our DS was born at 5 mins past midnight and we did not ring people til 8am the next morning. What is the point if getting people worries when there is no need?
Our parents were fine about us ringing then and they popped in at 2pm to see us all.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 27-Jan-14 11:28:51

Hmm. Actually, I don't see why you wouldn't just say 'CS is on X date, but please don't come to the hospital until I/DH rings you and says it's ok'. Simples!

I wanted/expected my parents/sister/PIL to arrive as soon as visiting hours started. It never occurred to me to exclude them. New baby = family event.

In my case, I had a fairly graphic illustration of the fact that there are worse things than a few people turning up when I wasn't perhaps looking my absolute best. DD1 died during early labour. I wanted my mum. DH called her. When she arrived so did DSis, DStepdad and DSis's boyfriend. They left quickly - I wasn't happy that the boyfriend came in, but tbh I was really past caring. Mum stayed. Later on that night (before I gave birth) PIL arrived, having driven the 3 hours from theirs. They came in for a bit too. I was naked under a sheet with catheter in and epidural. Again, past caring. Dad arrived in the morning just minutes after DD was born, and came in maybe half an hour later after I'd been cleaned up a bit.

With DD2, I had an ELCS booked from about 28 weeks. Everyone knew the date. PIL had booked themselves on a 6 week trip to New Zealand approximately a week before we found out I was pg. They didn't change the date, but did make comments about how we had known when they were going - yes, because we should really have stopped the ttc in case the baby coincided with their holiday plans. hmm So, out of guilt that they wouldn't be there, shortly before the ELCS they decided that BIL should be there instead. They paid to fly him from London to Edinburgh, where he spent the day sitting in the nearby shopping centre waiting to be allowed in. I thought this was weird, but I had no issue with him coming in during visiting hours - knew DH would be v happy to see him, and was just concerned that he was wasting a day's leave and being v bored!

On the day, I was first on the list but due to emergencies DD2 wasn't born until midday. Visiting hours weren't for a while - think it was 3pm. DH, DD2 and I had a lovely time in recovery, then were taken back to my room (had scored one of the private rooms, not the ward) and actually couldn't wait for everyone to turn up. As it was a private room (still on the NHS, we didn't pay for it) the staff turned a blind eye to the number of visitors. At one point we had Mum, Dad, BIL, DSis, stepdad and DSis's boyfriend all in the room. When DD2 wanted to bf, all the men left the room (apart from DH) without me having to say anything. DH was allowed to stay until 9pm regardless of who else was there. The next day I had 4 friends in, plus DH.

What I'm trying to say is that some people find it normal for parents/in-laws to come in as soon as possible. If your in-laws were like that then I can see that they might not understand your point of view. You've got the rest of your child's life to cuddle them and bond with them - so what if your PIL come in for 20 mins on the first day?

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 11:33:16

Woo Op has made her feelings clear. Should she be over ruled just because others are also excited about a baby's birth ? I say not if it comes down to a people waiting at the hospital and visiting the same day. And since there isn't really a middle ground in those particular scenarios, she gets the veto unquestionably.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 27-Jan-14 11:34:43

Sorry, that took ages to write and I see you've now decided to tell them the date but be firm about waiting for an invite! Ignore my first paragraph.

elliejjtiny Mon 27-Jan-14 11:35:03

YANBU. I had an EMCS with DS4 and DH thought it would be a good idea to tell my mum and dad when we knew it was happening (PIL already knew as they were looking after older DC). I was on the antenatal ward in a theatre gown, starving all day and really nervous. Having my mum ring every few hours asking for news nearly tipped me over the edge. In the end at 11pm I was told I was being bumped to the next day.

When DS4 was born he was taken to NICU and I couldn't see him for 6 hours. Visiting in NICU was parents and siblings only which I was very grateful for. My inlaws came after school (6 hours post cs) to drop the older 3 dc's off and stayed for a few minutes but I couldn't have managed any more than that. The next few days were really busy as I was expressing and shuffling back and forth to NICU. My mum kept texting me and asking when they could visit but I said no, which annoyed her. I was so tired and I was desperate for a shower.

Currently 17w pregnant and hoping for a vbac but I won't be telling anyone any dates beforehand. I'm also tempted to ring both sets of grandparents to break the news and then turn my phone off for a few days.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 11:36:18

Op is it correct to say no one has actually said they will be waiting at the hospital? Is it just a kind of expectation of your dp?
Are you just pre empting the maybes?

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 11:39:07

It's lovely that he considers his parents- as long as he doesn't consider them to the detriment of OP!

And even if they saw OPs baby all day everyday, that's not going to make up for the lack of relationship with the other GC.

Although if they are abroad & see them once/twice a year, that's not so bad.

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 11:40:13

AF, but there is a middle ground, OP has already sensibly compromised.

I definitely don't want to upset DH so if telling his parents is what he really wants to do then I won't stop him, but, he needs to make it clear to them that if I'm not up for visitors then they need to accept that - and he has to support me in that too.

This is her husbands baby too you know! You are coming a cross as if you don't think any man has any right to say anything other than 'yes, dear' over the birth of their own child!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:41:03

only - you are correct, hence why I'm so confused by my husband. The reason he wants to tell them the date is because he is convinced they will want to book the day off work and spend the whole day sitting and waiting at the hospital and that if we deny them the chance to do this then they'll be really, really upset.

I've told him that his thought process is bizarre and that of course his parents's wouldn't want to do that!! Therefore telling him that keeping the date a secret is no more of an issue now than it was when we first agreed to it.

He just got really huffy with me when I said I don't want anyone to know. But no, he's adamant his parents will want to be at the hospital and so we have to tell them.

It's a stale mate!

I'm just going to ask them if they would mind if we kept it a secret - cut out all this crap and the silly 'guessing game' that we have going on, and just see what they say. I don't think they will care at all to be honest.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 11:45:08

Woo you must have missed the bit about how this bloke has made lots of prior important decisions around having this baby.

This one OP feels strongly about, and early on the thread she was talking herself out of tackling it. As always happens, there is now a widening of the debate about how much one should compromise when it is you that is going through a very scary and debilitating experience in order to keep other people happy.

I am not much of a people pleaser though, it has to be said.

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 11:48:44

This bloke??

The baby's Dad choosing the nursery decoration you mean?

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 11:50:44

Yes, we are talking about "this bloke" aren't we ?

or are we talking about another bloke ?

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 11:50:49

"But no, he's adamant his parents will want to be at the hospital and so we have to tell them."

How odd, because of course even if they did want to be at the hospital, you wouldn't have to tell them!

As adults, you decide what is best for you, not what you think someone else might want you to do.

Asheth Mon 27-Jan-14 11:50:55

Could you bypass your DH and talk straight to your ILs? Could you hint that you feel a bit disappointed that everyone knows your baby's birth date and that you're not going to be able to break the news as a surprise etc.? Then if they seem sympathetic tell them about the fake date and ask that they wait for a phone call! They can then feel special because only they know about the fake date, but you still get the surprise!

As someone who went overdue with all of my babies I know how stressful I found everyone ringing up to find out if "it's here yet" or the comments from everyone. I know no one meant to make me feel like that, but I felt more and more of a failure with each day! So I've already thought that in the unlikely event of another baby I would make up a fake due date for about three wekks later!

Aliwithtwins Mon 27-Jan-14 11:57:37

I'm sorry, haven't time to read the whole thread but just wanted to say I think that's a brilliant idea, and I wish we'd done that. The only people you could possibly want in your room straight after a c section are your partner and possibly your mum. Even on day two. Especially if you plan to beast feed. I love the idea of an exciting 'surprise' rather than a team waiting in assorted travelodge...

oscarwilde Mon 27-Jan-14 12:10:49

Hi OP - it must be driving you batty and in your shoes, I would just bite the bullet and tackle the subject in front of your IL's, that "DH has the mad idea that they are going to spend the day sitting in plastic chairs somewhere in the hospital all day given that your theatre appointment could be moved around whilly nilly!!".
I think it is far simpler to say, that you would prefer no visitors for the first 24 hours after major surgery so you can bond with your baby and get feeding established well. I wouldn't underestimate just how much time this can take with a baby who isn't a hungry monster sad

To me, it sounds as though your DH is bricking it slightly and would like their moral support. Have you talked about what will happen if your health issues mean that you and your baby are separated for a while after the birth? If you were seriously ill for a bit, it might be nice to have a family member on hand to sit cuddling your baby while your husband stays with you?
Depends on how close everyone lives to you obviously means that your own parents could be there quickly in an emergency but I wouldn't burn any bridges with best laid plans from bitter experience

Besides, if you have another you'll need someone to look after your PFB anyway so unfortunately the second time around there'll be little chance of keeping it all v quiet.

tobiasfunke Mon 27-Jan-14 12:19:18

The fake date is silly really because they'll figure out you're not at home or responding to texts and then mither you by mobile.
What you need to do is take your DH out of the equation, sit down with your MIL explain that you've been told the date but that it might be moved and you've been told that you won't know when you're slot is due to staffing, emergency sections etc so it could be any time or might even be put back. Tell them that your health will be an issue in the first 24 hours so you probably won't be allowed visitors anyway so they can come and visit the next day if the staff think you're up to it. Your DH will phone when the baby has arrived.

Tell her you don't want the added pressure of worrying about other people being disappointed. Put some emphasis on how men don't really understand these things but she will. I bet she will be extremely understanding. I have eventually learnt if I want to tell my inlaws something I need to do it myself. My DH always manages to balls it up somehow.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 27-Jan-14 12:20:03

I didn't want anyone but DH with me immediately after my CS, and it went as smoothly as these things ever go. It's such a massive event, having some recovery time is hardly unreasonable. It was so quick, one minute having the anaesthetic and the next minute 'It's a girl' and being handed a slimy baby.

I remember just needing to lie there processing what had just happened, and getting to know DD (and let's face it, it must have been an even bigger shock for her. I wanted to keep her close and quiet for a good while too). I was very shaky and vomited as well.

The hanging around in the canteen could be an added pressure too. Pressure on DH to go and see them, to be ducking out of the room to ring and update them, and then of course the pressure to let them visit because they have been there all day. Don't underestimate the possible effect of that.

I was in hospital for a week before my CS and the increasingly stressy phone calls from my mother (to whom I am very close) got very wearing.

The point is, you do not know how you will feel or how things will go, so it is entirely right to say, no visitors, and no hanging around. Manage expectations now by saying that, then if you are actually full of the joys of spring afterwards you can get people to come and see you. If you speak to your PIL be kind but really really frank about how the nagging about your ELCS date has made you feel and how very much you need to feel calm and in control.

MistressDeeCee Mon 27-Jan-14 12:33:28

Some have said "your baby, your choice". As if your DH is just a spare part and had nothing to do with conception?! Such a sexist outlook. I don't feel you're wrong at all re.secret date OP. I can understand why. I do, however, feel you're being a bit precious. & your in-laws wanting to be at hospial for hours doesn't make them mad - just happy & excited. Its a time when being rational can go out of the window. Why are you judging them? It sounds unkind. At least they're interested, I've seen posts on here where in-laws don't give a shit

Hopefully you & DH can reach a 1/2 way compromise. You may be 'buoyed up' by the comments on here but its better to ask yourself if its an argument worth having. Compromise doesn't mean defeat.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 12:47:04

Mistress "& your in-laws wanting to be at hospital for hours doesn't make them mad - just happy & excited. Why are you judging them, it sounds unkind"

This sitting around for hours is what my husband is presuming they will want to do and that to deny them this opportunity would really, really, really upset them. This is his reasoning for why they NEED to know the date of the ELCS" hmm

I actually think that sitting around in a hospital for 10 hours is the LAST thing they will want to do!!! grin

aloysiusflyte Mon 27-Jan-14 12:50:32

Yanbu.

We did the fake date thing, told everybody, including both sets of parents, that the cs was on the Monday when in fact it was on the Friday.

As for people saying it's selfish or attention seeking, that's rubbish. We decided not to tell anyone the correct date because we knew they'd worry beforehand, knew they'd worry whilst we were in hospital, waiting to hear something. I think, op, with your health issues already, it's much kinder to let everyone carry on with their day as normal and then get a phone call with the wonderful news!

Also, if you have to have an elcs, you do get that moment of surprise taken away from you if everyone knows the date. We really wanted to surprise everyone still and announce the birth when we wanted to.

I'd try and impress upon your dh that you really don't want anyone worrying about you so you'd rather stick with the fake date and worry about visitors afterwards. When I had my elcs, both sets of parents lived miles away so we didn't have any visitors on the first night. I was so happy and proud of my dc that I'd have loved to show him off, even though I couldn't move very well and was still in a lot of pain.

Visiting hours are usually pretty short so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Good luck with everything smile

haveyourselfashandy Mon 27-Jan-14 12:50:52

Hi there,another one who doesn't understand the secrecy it was like a revolving door for visitors when i had mine and I slept through most of it!
Would you consider sitting down with your il's and discussing it like adults? Tell them the real date but explain your not sure if you will be allowed visitors on same day and that you will let them know when they can come? Maybe mention that they will be first on the list to sweeten them up ha.
They may be a little anxious considering their experience with grandchildren so far and this may make them feel involved and trusted that you have told them the real date.
Babies are brilliant at bringing people together and this could be the start of a great relationship between you,your pils and your lo.

olgaga Mon 27-Jan-14 12:51:44

What a shame you told them you had a date at all! You could easily have said you'll know nearer the time. Now it's all absurdly complicated.

Why don't you make an appointment with the MW for you and your DH to discuss the issue? He seems to be unaware of how serious an operation it is and how important it is for both you and the baby to have the experience you want. It might help him too to understand that ob the day itself there might be hours and hours of waiting around before anything happens at all.

I don't think you can control when he tells his parents, but you do have the right to expect him to abide by your wishes wrt visitors and make it clear to them that they should stay at home and wait to be invited.

clam Mon 27-Jan-14 13:03:43

Well I suppose the clincher is, would your dh be happy for your parents to be hanging around outside when he's in having a major operation on his nether regions, and planning on whooping in whilst he's in recovery to make polite conversation? If he'd like to "wait and see how he feels on the day," then I would say your argument is won.

But there can really only be one objective on his part for wanting them there, and that is for him to invite them in as soon as humanly possible after you've given birth, in order to make up for their long, dull wait. Or to keep rushing away from your side to check they're OK and give them updates. Don't underestimate the pressure you might be put under to go along with this. I would think it's highly unlikely that he'd just say, "actually, sorry, but wannabe's a bit tired so come back tomorrow." It'll be "oh, it's only for a few minutes," and you'll feel a right heel for saying wanting to say no.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 13:04:20

"Some have said "your baby, your choice". As if your DH is just a spare part "

I think having just given birth is a unique situation though in that you might not feel up to visitors & equally you might not want to be parted from the nwborn that you've just had.
And of course you might be able to face your own parents from a hospital bed, but not your ILs.

tb Mon 27-Jan-14 13:07:52

You could always suggest to your DH that when he has a section he can do it his way, but for you, you would rather do it your way.

After all, he wouldn't want you to be puking up over his dp's, would he? grin

olgaga Mon 27-Jan-14 13:08:01

Reading through the last few comments I would definitely speak to his parents myself at the first oportunity. Preferably with him present, but with you leading the discussion and making your feelings clear.

myroomisatip Mon 27-Jan-14 13:08:18

I agree with clam. I feel it is unfair of him to pressurise you over this.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 13:13:57

And of course you might be able to face your own parents from a hospital bed, but not your ILs.

Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say.

HazleNutt Mon 27-Jan-14 13:21:09

How come everybody else's feelings have to be taken into account - DH wants this, ILs might feel that - but the woman who has just had a baby, her feelings don't matter and she should just suck it up, not to upset anybody else?

ashamedoverthinker Mon 27-Jan-14 13:22:23

a normal labour?? you are turning your impending birth into something that is abnormal then? I dont like the implication here.

Whilst a cs might not be the natural way to give birth interventions from minor to major at birth have become a y product of our advancement as a society - as with many other medical interventions.

Concetrate on meeting your baby and your after care. I really dont see the need for secrecy. It is your birth, you say who comes and when, when you feel ready. Same goes for when you get home.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 13:30:34

"Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say."

Oooh, I'm happy to be selfish, then.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 13:38:10

Your own perogative I guess. Pretty horrible but each to their own.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 13:39:43

ashamed - I meant 'normal' in terms of labour being unpredictable. Believe me, I know there's nothing abnormal about a CS it was just a bad phrase of term on my part I think - sorry if it caused any offence smile

In terms of being able to face one set of grandparents over the other, even though I wouldn't 'exclude' anyone, the true fact is that although I wouldn't mind my parents seeing me bleeding and oozing, having a catheter hanging out the end of the bed and my boobs out whilst I learn to breast feed, I don't think I'd want my PIL to see it....

Squitten Mon 27-Jan-14 13:42:28

Can't say I understand all the secrecy. However I also don't understand people crowding into a hospital to gawk at someone who's just had surgery either.

We told everyone DC1's section date but then I went into labour two days early anyway. It never even occurred to us that anyone would want to know about it all kicking off, particularly because it was the middle of the night! After he was born, my Dad and Grandad popped in to see him and MIL popped in later on. Short visits, no drama.

I wouldn't hide the date from anyone intentionally but anybody expressing even the idea of waiting there all day would be told not to very clearly. They should be asking, not telling you anything!

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 13:43:09

Yet I feel really shit that my parents visited in the afternoon & PILs the next day-not!

ashamedoverthinker Mon 27-Jan-14 13:52:47

Ok I see OP

I used knowing the date to plan. I was clear about who would come in hospital. I found after having those initial moments in recovery room and on ward special. Then you have everyone elses visitors to see/hear, may as weel say when you want yours. I personally got the visiting to see DC's at the hospital. Then DH had the house all nice for u comming home and that was special - no visitors for a few days. Unless you are the type likes a busy house. I like the quiet to rest up and focus on LO and bf.

ashamedoverthinker Mon 27-Jan-14 13:53:43

Sorry meant visiting at hospital over and done with so we could be left alone when we got home. Its noisey and busy at hospital anyway, even if you have a private room.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 13:57:23

Not expecting you to feel shit diddl was just expressing that I think your attitude towards it being ok for one set on GPs to visit and not the other pretty selfish. however you are now saying that your PIL visited the following day so not quite the same as what your original post implied.

I don't think the Mums parents have right over Dads parents once we are into visiting hours. My Mum was my birthing partner so maybe that's why I wasn't bothered when my In-Laws visited first the next day.

Like I said it's each to their own.

Chelvis Mon 27-Jan-14 13:58:05

My ILs hung around at the hospital and DH did pressure me to let them in - like clam said, it was 'just for a few minutes as they're here and they've been waiting ages'. I felt I had to agree as he was stressed with them pressuring him.
The midwives let them in when I was still in the recovery room, still bleeding heavily and sobbing with exhaustion. Lying in a short hospital gown with a sheet barely covering me and my blood still on the bed and floor, whilst my ILs got to hold DD (which I'd only been able to do for a few minutes because of a problem removing my placenta/stitches) and being told by FIL that I looked bloody awful (with all my ILs loudly agreeing) wasn't really what I wanted to do in the first few hours with newborn DD.

And I think there is a difference between parents and ILs - they're both equal grandparents I agree, but they are not equal in terms of the labouring woman. My ILs barely acknowledged me after either birth or asked about me - my mum was desperate to see her GC, but her primary concern was me. Maybe that's more of a reflection of my ILs view that I'm just an incubator for the precious 'their-surname' seed though hmm

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 14:04:55

Oh chelvis - that sounds awful and I feel sad for you. It's exactly what I want to avoid.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 14:05:33

Chelvis shock

My In-Law's brought me a post pregnancy hamper basket with loads of lovely things "to make me feel human again". I burst out crying because it was such a nice gesture.

I can see my views are clouded by the fact my PIL were lovely at the time shame it didn't last

DeWe Mon 27-Jan-14 14:06:49

I would tell your dh that dates, even c/s can be posponed at the last minute (too many emergencies etc.) or you go in first thing, and find you're last on the list and you really don't want your Ils waiting and worrying.

I would always advise not to tell people you're in labour, and I would think this is the same thing.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 14:13:20

Well tbh, I wouldn't have felt guilty if I hadn't seen them so quickly.

I think that the patient gets to say who they see.

Like I said though, it's a unique situation in that if the mother doesn't feel up to seeing someone, that usally means that the someone doesn't get to see the baby.

Unless you're in a country where babies are in nurseries!

Oriunda Mon 27-Jan-14 14:14:09

I went in to be induced on the Friday. Finally gave birth with emcs monday afternoon. My mother visited the following day (in laws live overseas). Bear in mind that any emcs will postpone your planned elcs so in-laws could have a long wait.

YANBU.

Chelvis Mon 27-Jan-14 14:17:27

It made it a lot harder writer and you never get those first few hours back. I think you're doing the right thing - you can always ring them and say 'the baby's here! come visit', but it's very very hard to say 'please go home, we need a rest'. And don't rely on the midwives to back you up (IME anyway).

On a better note, with DH's FULL agreement, we didn't tell them the second time and had a fantastic birth, and an evening snuggling up as a family, then everyone visited the next day. The inlaws still barely acknowledged me, but at least I wasn't immediately post birth and so vulnerable, so I didn't give a shite frankly! grin

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 14:18:57

Ah well. I hope you had girls and therefor hopefully won't be in the position of a DIL prioritizing her own parents over you when it comes to seeing your DGC for 30 minutes.

And FWIW I personally think a Father should have a say too. I'm not suggesting inviting a football team to your beside only the man you love's parents to meet their new GC, I don't see the big deal. There a visiting hours, plenty of time to rest in between visits. I have a close relationship with my family and I had a close relationship with ExH family too and there is no way I would have excluded them.

We clearly won't agree.

LadyCelia Mon 27-Jan-14 14:33:33

YANBU. My DM and step father sat at the hospital all day & half the night too (I was booked in at 9am, didn't end up having the CS til 2.30pm due to emergencies, then spent 9 hrs in the HDU due to a bad reaction to the morphine) and although I wanted my DM to see the baby, I really got upset when my step father insisted on "popping up" for a moment to see us. I love him dearly but I didn't want anyone apart from DH and DM seeing me in such a wrecked pukey emotional state. Step father also texted the whole family to tell them our news, I know he was excited but it was something we'd wanted to keep to ourselves just for a few hours, so I know how you feel OP. I'd probably try & compromise by telling them the real date, but asking them not to come to the hospital until you say so.

Good luck with it though!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 14:45:12

It's her day first and foremost, but it is also a day that a whole family gets a new member, as well as being the first day of a whole new persons life. Presumably OP won't be the only person ever to love and care for this new new family member, therefore she is not the only person that is going to have significant feelings around the birth

Bloody hell, it's not a wedding the op is the only one having major surgery,so yes she is the only one worthy of consideration.

Shelby2010 Mon 27-Jan-14 14:58:42

Just a few things to bear in mind...

Our hospital doesn't allow use of mobile phones in recovery area, so DH had to go out to make calls and let people know. So don't bank on being able to call people yourself. I was in recovery all day despite an early op as no beds on the ward, so had visitors there (visiting times didn't seem to apply).

Initially you'll probably feel better than someone who has sweated thro hours of labour (in terms of tiredness & looking rough). You'll also bleed less as they clear most of it out during the op. Main issue is lack of mobility, and the catheter isn't that much fun either. After an initial attempt at feeding the baby slept & I had to wake her up later to get her to feed, so I wouldn't worry too much about having your boobs out if you have visitors on the first day.

Good luck & I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

WelshMaenad Mon 27-Jan-14 15:11:20

We only told my mum and dad and sister about my elcs with DS as they had to look after dd for us.

Dd was a preemie, emergency cs at 35 weeks and every very poorly. I was incredibly anxious about DS' delivery, with hindsight I had quite severe antenatal depression and was convinced he was going to stillborn or something would happen to him. I couldn't deal with people pestering us for news so we kept it secret and did the big 'surprise!' A few hours after he was delivered. It was nice!

My mum visited the first day, and DH and dd obviously. Nobody else, I couldn't have coped with anybody else. DH's parents live several hundred miles away, and mil is a complete nightmare. Maybe I'm heinously selfish for not telling them in advance, giving them the chance to camp in the premier inn next to the hospital and spend every minute of visiting hours driving me fucking bonkers and manhandling my baby when I was physically incapable of standing up to intervene. I disagree, I still think it was the most sensible decision I made about MY birth.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 15:18:49

I have one of each, so if I have a DIL who treats me like shit, I'll deserve it, eh?

"And FWIW I personally think a Father should have a say too."

Yup-and my husband was happy to leave it up to me who I felt able to see.

We're all adults, and I'd expect ILs to understand that their (non existant) right to see their GC didn't trump my right to not see them whilst I was in hospital if I didn't want to!

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 15:22:14

Wow, just wow

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:25:49

I'm just going to ask my PIL if they'd mind if we kept the date a secret but then phoned them as soon as he's been born to break the news.

If they say they would be upset if we did this then I don't know what the next step will be....

I don't think PIL will mind at all but I think MIL may have an issue..

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 15:28:29

Meep,

What are you saying wow to?

FairPhyllis Mon 27-Jan-14 15:29:02

OP, have you had a thread about a wedding? Are you the poster who has a couple of serious health conditions and is at risk of post-natal seizures?

If so your DH should be moving heaven and earth to prioritise you and make sure you are not stressed out now and around the time of the birth. Including keeping his parents away by any means necessary.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 27-Jan-14 15:31:22

Talk of 'rights' in this context is so dispiriting.

If my parents or PIL had needed instant gratification of their desire to see their grandchild irrespective of whether it was ok with me I'd have been so disappointed in them. Fortunately they're all sensible. Despite MIL's flaws, she'd never elbow her way into a recovery room to grab her grandchild. She'd be the one barring the door tearing strips off the less sensitive folk.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 15:31:25

I think that Meep is wowing at me being so selfish.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:33:17

Well remembered fairphyllis - the good news is that the C-Section is booked for after the Wedding so at least that problem was resolved smile

I don't want his parents 'kept away' though - I just want him to understand that I might not want them visiting me straight away and that he needs to accept that it's a real possibility.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 15:34:43

Did you change the date of elcs in the end so he could go to wedding? I remember that.
Writer I hope you get to relax a little. You seem to be doing much worrying in advance bless you (not meant to sound condescending).
You sound lovely and so do your pil....they will respect your wishes I'm sure.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:38:07

Yes scoop - my Obstetrician was happy to change the date grin I think I'm worrying about things so much because I'm bored stiff of not being at work......I've got nothing else to do with my time but over analyse things grin

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 15:42:40

Sorry x posted....glad the wedding was one thing less for you to worry about.
I had a elcs it was a wonderful (surprisingly civilised) and calm experience, Which I feel lucky to have had. Dp and I loved all the time together just us, so special, wouldnt have changed it for the world. It's down to personal feelings though as on the wards many of the ladies had lots of visitors and seemed happy to have a constant stream.
Please try not to get to bogged down in the logistics of everybody else.

It's the two of you becoming three to enjoy first and foremost.

TalkieToaster Mon 27-Jan-14 15:43:06

What no-one has picked up on yet, is the fact that the OP's in-laws, as far as they know, have a date. They don't know it's not the real one. So, have they booked the day off work and are they making plans to come and camp out at the hospital on that date? No? Then obviously they DON'T WANT TO and so, what difference would giving them the 'real' date, make?

Christelle2207 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:43:15

Yanbu. I kind of had the opposite issue- in laws very relaxed but my parents wanted to know everything. I didn't want anyone other than dh to know I was in labour, in the end my parents knew (but no one else) because they kept calling the house and figured it out themselves when we weren't there for ages.

I allowed them to come and see us evening after birth but can't have imagined coping with the in laws that day....they actually came 3 or 4 days later when all settled at home (despite not living far away).
If you really don't want to fall out with your dh about it tell him he can let them know that day if they promise not to tell anyone and (more importantly) not to come to the hospital until visiting times and even then ONLY if you are up to it.

ScaredToBeHonest Mon 27-Jan-14 15:45:37

I had an ELCS and everyone knew the date. I was nervous about it, and it was quite nice having friends wishing us good luck and being excited for us when we were at a BBQ a few days before.

I think whether you want people to know your date or not is a personal thing. I think giving them a fake date, as you have done, is much better than "we're not telling what date it's booked for."

I really wouldn't want anyone at the hospital waiting whilst I had the procedure and itching to get in to see us after the birth! On that, YADNBU.

I looked and felt like death warmed up after and I didn't want anyone there other than my DH and my Mum to whom I am very close. Our hospital is quite strict about visitors after a ELCS depending what time of day you have it - they agreed to me having visitors but only because it was my Mum. DH's Mum came up the next day - it was actually more convenient for her to come the next day, as she could get a lift, which avoided any problems but DH completely supported me in only wanting to see my own Mum in the hours immediately after.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:47:40

Taklie - I don't want anyone knowing the real date because I don't want people fussing around me and going on about it during the days leading up to it. Nor do I want people sitting around, just waiting to hear news and no doubt hassling us with the 'has it been done yet' texts. I can't bear the thought of it.

And like I said, I want the news of the baby's arrival to be a surprise.

ColdTeaAgain Mon 27-Jan-14 15:49:09

YANBU

I had an ELCS and I really wish I'd kept the date a secret. My nerves were bad enough on the day but it made it worse knowing everyone was waiting around for the phone to ring.

If I have another one then I'll definitely keep the date to ourselves if its a planned CS again.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 15:50:25

"He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before."

I find this really odd.

Are many parents part of their GCs birth?

It really isn't up to him to try to make up for what they've missed with their other GC.

That's not why you two are having a baby!

Were his GPs there when his mum gave birth to him??!!

TalkieToaster Mon 27-Jan-14 15:56:10

That was my point, OP - (I've read the whole thread). You've given them a fake date and they think it's the real date - yet they aren't rushing around making plans to come and sit in the hospital like your DP thinks they want to. So, why give them the real date? It won't suddenly magically make them want to book the day off work like your DP is insisting they'll want to do.

It strengthens your argument of not telling them when the real date is. Point out to your DP that his parents haven't made a move towards organising being off work and they HAVE a date - so why give them the real one? There's no point! grin

Someone, please, tell me you understand what I mean.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 15:58:34

I understand you, talkie!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 15:59:19

I understand now talkie - I think your post can read both ways. But now that you've explained I completely understand your angle smile I will use your argument when I speak to my DH later tonight grin

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 16:00:39

I get it Talkie smile

Somersetlady Mon 27-Jan-14 16:02:03

After reading this thread I am seriously considering the fake date route myself. I live in Ireland and was shocked the day of SIL EMCS that DH wanted to go and visit then when we rocked up at the hospital her parents, brothers and his wife pil and one of her pil neighbours were already there i kid you not apparently is perfectly normal over here for everyone to visit the hospital! It really freaked me out.

OP i think it sounds like a great ideal to speak to your ILs directly and reasonably. How about " DH thought you might want to come in on the day and hang around the hospital but i told him that as we've been told no visitors for the first 24hours i would hate you to waste that time and you will be first in the list to call and me and the newborn will look forward to seeing you when we are both more human the day after?" Rather than saying i don't want you to come you lunatics

TalkieToaster Mon 27-Jan-14 16:12:23

I do tend to garble when I'm knackered. Staying up until 2am watching Netflix hasn't done me any favours today. grin

oscarwilde Mon 27-Jan-14 16:40:02

I hear you Somersetlady. My sister had my parents at the foot of the bed 30 mins after she was wheeled out of the recovery ward after a 2 day labour/then EMCS. She was barely aware of them and hadn't even fed her DC yet. I was so shocked I gave them an earful and told them that I'd have kicked them out. Funnily enough they didn't suggest visiting me for the birth of my pfb grin They held off for 3 weeks in the end which was still too soon imo

OP - it might be a good idea to point out that just because you have an apt won't mean the baby won't come early...

DoJo Mon 27-Jan-14 16:49:09

MeepMeep

Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say.

So was your Mother in law invited to be your birthing partner as well?

yanbu

MrsSpencerReid Mon 27-Jan-14 17:02:31

Haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but had ds2 3weeks ago, I didn't want everyone to know the date in case things went wrong/they had to delay (needed a free bed in nicu in case!!) and didn't want people texting/ringing on the day, we had to tell some people as needed childcare for ds1. I liked the fact it was a surprise to everyone else, I was admitted for steroids a few days before which made things more awkward as everyone guessed it was getting close, I managed to fob them off!! I have never lied so much!! Hope it all goes well, will try and read the whole thread now!smile

rumbleinthrjungle Mon 27-Jan-14 17:12:15

We've had this with my sister's ILs a few times, as the family believes strongly that if you love a family member you show it by being camped out at the hospital around the clock, and if you can't be by their bedside you are at the door. Preferably peering in at them. They've been really upset with us before now when sister has been hospitalised, feeling miserably ill and doesn't want visitors and we actually (horrors!) leave her alone.

She managed her ELCS by she and (very supportive) partner repeating word for word a plan she gave the ILs that as soon as she was admitted they would call, ILs would travel to the relatives they would be staying with, and would wait there for the call to say they were ready for visitors. They repeated it until they could say it in their sleep, but it worked very well. Also avoided my poor sister dealing with her lovely but hard work MiL when she didn't feel at all together and dignified. She and partner had all day with the baby after what in the end was an ECS, and by evening were happy for both sides of the family to visit together, which meant whoever wasn't actually in with them to say hello was entertaining the ILs and keeping them calm outside.

Do stick to your guns OP, YANBU.

Your DH needs to man up and quit his bitching. Is he having major surgery?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 28-Jan-14 10:35:04

grin - I'm hoping his parents will tell me they are happy for everything to be kept a secret and then my husband will have no argument smile

However, if they do say they'll be upset if we don't tell them when it is being done, I hope I don't go for my ELCS until really late in the day so by the time I'm back on the ward the visiting times have LONG since passed anyway grin

Actually - I hope that it gets done early, I recover well and feel really excited and perky and welcome visitors with open arms grin

oscarwilde Tue 28-Jan-14 11:53:21

Hi OP. When booking in for an ELCS I was told that any complicated deliveries or emergencies will be first in the line so it could be the afternoon before I would deliver. I would probably plan on being wheeled in at 8am which is better than fasting all day to be fair.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 28-Jan-14 23:43:23

The subject was raised again tonight and I said to DH that we'd just tell his parents the date and then ring them once the baby is born. His response was, "Well we need to speak to them and see what they want to do."

hmm

Why do we??!! It's our birthing experience, not theirs!

I again told him that there is no point in them sitting in the hospital all day!!

I then said, "Ok then, We'll tell them we want to keep the date a secret, we'll phone them when baby is born and let them know if I'm up to having visitors." He again said we'd have to speak to them about it before making a decision.

I said, "Do you really think your parents are going to turn round and tell us that they don't care what we want and instead we should do what they want us to??!!"

He just rolled his eyes - so we are no further along really.

The plan is to visit his parents either tomorrow or Thursday so it should be interesting....

Finally found your thread smile
I so wish I had done this and kept it a secret! Your reasons are 100% justified. If I had done this my life would be so much easier right now!

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 00:40:54

Go tomorrow,I'm desperate to know what they say

winkywinkola Wed 29-Jan-14 00:41:13

Tell your dh that if he wants to consult his parents on everything parenthood then he may as well hand over the baby to his parents.

Only1scoop Wed 29-Jan-14 00:47:14

Think it will be a good thing for you to get this Il's thing clarified once and for all.
To be honest your Dp's attitude is a little ridiculous. You must be really laid back, it would drive me to distraction.
Lets hope he hears from them that they actually don't want to camp out at hospital and will just be happy with whatever you choose to do....I'm sure this will be the case.
Good luck!

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 01:20:27

Yet another thread where your husband sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate wanker who doesn't listen to you or treat you with any respect.

You are coming a cross as if you don't think any man has any right to say anything other than 'yes, dear' over the birth of their own child!

A man DOESN'T have any right to say anything other than "yes dear".

A WOMAN, you know, the PERSON (yes, a woman is actually a person, despite your clear idea that she doesn't count for anything in her own life) who is pregnant, the PERSON who is giving birth, the PERSON who is the patient in the hospital is the ONLY person who gets any say at all in the birth of her baby.

A man has NO RIGHTS here.

I know how upsetting you must find it to imagine that there could be a situation where a man might like to have rights where he in fact has none, but this is one of them.

He has NO RIGHTS. None.

He only gets to be at the birth if the woman who is giving birth agrees to allow him to be present.

sykadelic15 Wed 29-Jan-14 03:22:51

I'm not sure your DH REALLY understands what a CS is going to be like... FOR YOU.

It might be good to watch a graphic vid. Might be a good idea to ask about visiting a ward. Mightn't hurt to issue a graphic reminder: "I will be numb from the waist down, peeing through a cathetar, with about X stitches hold my abdomen together, there may also be blood on my gown. I may be lethargic. My boobs may be leaking milk. I will need to be shown how to breast-feed (if applicable), the baby will need a bath. You could be utterly exhausted. NO VISITORS until I don't feel like I was run over a bus X times. No-one is going to be upset about it, and if they are, they're not being rational."

Honestly, your DH is being utterly unreasonable. Hopefully a quick chat with your PIL will have your DH seeing sense (and maybe talking to your MIL to ask for her help explaining that you're NOT being unreasonable) would be good.

FlockOfTwats Wed 29-Jan-14 03:27:41

I don't think the Mums parents have right over Dads parents once we are into visiting hours. My Mum was my birthing partner so maybe that's why I wasn't bothered when my In-Laws visited first the next day.

If the mum says they do then they do... Because the mum is the patient. Not the Dad. The law happens to agree with this too, there is no argument against it. That's how it is. When men have the ability to grow a child in their own body, and they are the ones to go through labour or surgery, then they will have a right to say who visits them as a patient in a hospital.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, And from what you've said, I don't think your ILs will be the problem - I would be wary of DH encouraging them to come before you are ready though, and them innocently turning up thinking they've been invited because you're up to it.

He needs to understand that you will have just gone through major surgery. You might not want to see anyone at all. I know i didn't after my sons birth (Traumatic for me, although not as bad as it could have been, more in relation to my elder children).

I didn't like the sight or sound or even smell (My sense of smell went a bit funny) of other people, even my own mum. Nothing she had done at all, She was more than helpful, I just felt SO strange and averse t absolutely everyone. I was quite glad when visiting finished and i had a bit of peace.

If i were you i would get the ILs on their own tbh and explain what OH has said about them coming to the hospital all day etc. See what they say and take it from there.

Thumbwitch Wed 29-Jan-14 05:23:59

OP, have you considered talking to your ILs yourself about this? Phone your MIL, tell her that you have some health issues that could create problem post-birth and you're sure she'd understand that you'd prefer to have a few hours post-birth to ensure that you're ok healthwise before having visitors?

If she's any kind of reasonable, AND you get on with her, then I can't see how she could refuse that very sensible request.

And then tell your DH that your MIL has no intention of taking the whole day off blah blah blah and is happy to wait until visiting hours in the evening etc.; and once you've established that this will be the way it happens, I can't see any real problem in telling them the morning of the day you actually have your CS that it's that day. Because they won't move heaven and earth to get to the hospital until the evening anyway.

SelectAUserName Wed 29-Jan-14 05:58:46

OP, did you actually say to your DH "why do we? It's our birthing experience not your parents?" And if so, what did he say?

It reads to me as though you're keeping the focus on what his parents may or may not want to do instead of tackling the actual issue - which is that your DH isn't listening to your wishes, isn't making you his priority and isn't going to be happy until he gets his own way.

Forget the red herring of his parents being at the hospital, knowing or not knowing - deal with the lack of respect your 'D'H has for you.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 06:47:07

""Well we need to speak to them and see what they want to do.""

Just tell him no, no, no,no,no,no.

That this is YOUR decision who you see and when after the birth.

TBH, I'd leave things as they are now.

Let him tell them what he wants, just don't let them see you if you don't feel up to it.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 07:51:04

The thing that baffles me is why my husband is so adamant they'd want to sit around all day??!

select - yes I did ask him why we needed to talk to his parents. I told him that his parents will not be able to see us until visiting hours anyway and that is not going to change so what exactly do they need to be consulted on??

His parents are very reasonable and know all about my health issues and I think they will be totally fine about potentially not visiting if I don't feel up to it - I just don't know why my DH is turning this into such a major thing??

Maybe in his eyes the birth of his son is on par with the birth of Kate and Prince William's little boy and thinks everyone else will fill the same... hmm

At the end if the day all this 'what the PIL want' is irrelevant in my eyes, my DH can come up with as many plans as he likes but on the day, if I'm not feeling up to visitors they aren't coming in! The sooner he gets that, the better smile

I have considered speaking to his parents myself but I know if i did that then it would just rock the boat further - I know I wouldn't be happy if he spoke to my parents about such issues behind my back. I'm actually 95% confident his parents will be on my side anyway though so I'm not too worried smile

Cyclebump Wed 29-Jan-14 07:55:09

Perhaps a compromise. They can be told, but you don't wan them at the hospital until visiting hours as thy won't be able to see you until then anyway. I would hate people sitting around waiting. So unnecessary.

He only gets to be at the birth if the woman who is giving birth agrees to allow him to be present.

THis. Sucks and all but having a vagina does once in a while trump penis...

Op, have you thought about calling your PIL and being honest with them? Without dh, they sound infinitely more reasonable than your husband tbh?

Frankly, he sounds scared and like he wants hus mummy and daddy. But you know what, fuck that. You're going to have surgery. You get to be scared, you can say who you want there, you can say who finds out when.

ONLY YOU

Also, birth is a unique experience that when it goes wrong (even something minor) it can stay with you and ruin things for a long time. If dh pushes this and you have a tramautic birth etc.. or you just feel miserable about being pushed. You will resent him for a long time. Make sure he understands that

oh xpost, just tell them. He's being a twat, you can rock the boat with your own husband unless there is even more going on in the relationship.

hackmum Wed 29-Jan-14 08:05:48

I can quite understand why you don't want your ILs hanging around the hospital while you're giving birth - that would spook me out too.

On the other hand, I think they (and your parents) would be understandably upset when they discover they've been lied to about the date the baby is being born. Once they are grandparents, your relationship will change with them anyway (and I bet you'll be wanting them to help with childcare) so this kind of lie gets the whole thing off on the wrong footing, in my view.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 08:09:57

I'm wondering how you haven't told him that he's being so unsupportive you'll find another birth partner.

He's thinking way too much about his parents-even if it didn't mean that he wasn't listening to you at all!

I know you said you were OK with him choosing the name & decorating the nursery-I hope none of it is that you give in for an easy life!

The issue isn't really whether or not his parents want to sit around all day-it's that he's not listening to you or considering what you want at all.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 08:11:13

hackmum - definitely won't be needing their help with childcare - I have made it quite clear to DH that when I return to work the child will be with childminder/nursery, not its Grandparents smile My parents won't care about the date, they know me well enough to understand there is no malice to it and would completely understand why we wanted it kept hush. They are like me though, don't see the need for fuss and drama and happy to go with the flow. They will be just overjoyed that baby has been born healthy I imagine. In my eye, the labour and birth experience is between the parents and the baby - I don't see why other family members have to be factored into the process??

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 08:12:59

op I wouldn't be so sure PIL haven't said anything about coming up, my mil completely changed when dd was due. It was just assumed that she would be there as she was with her other dgc.

Dp couldn't understand why I wanted just him, he told me he had hold of his dn fifteen mins after he was born shock I don't think anyone took in to account how SIL was feeling. She looks back and feels regret that it was out of her hands. Mil even stripped dn who was half an hour old as she said it was too hot! SIL asked her not to but mil did anyway, then the midwife came in a told SIL off!

I told dp if he could abide by my plans , he wouldn't be there him self! He soon changed his attitude.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 08:13:35

diddl - my husband would laugh if he heard someone imply I give him an 'easy life' grin I think when he gets go home from work I'm going to ask him why he is so desperate for them to be there...because as someone has said, it seems like his vision of them hanging around all day is what he wants, not them.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Wed 29-Jan-14 08:22:08

Op, Do you think your DH wants his parents there for support for him?

Genuine question.

And before anyone jumps on me asking why her dh may need support as he is not the one giving birth I shall explain.

I have had 3 planned C sections, I never 'hid' the date from anyone and in all honesty I am so pleased I didn't. On my last C section I was extremely ill, infact I nearly died. I could not support him through the trauma of me being rushed from one room to another to another having blood transfusions, scans etc. It was family members who done that! If I had hidden the date from these people they would have been working, out for the day, possibly unreachable.

I understand about you not wanting your ils there but I think making a 'fake' date is just daft.

Having a C section is major surgery and anything can happen, I am not trying to scare You op but I think you really need to inform people when you are going in.

It sounds to me like your dp is pretty scared about it all.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 08:29:47

Is he always so concerned about what his parents want?

If not-is it possible that they have hinted that they would like to be there?

Although even so, he doesn't have to run with it quite so vehemently!

Or does he want them there?

In which case, why doesn't he just bloody well say so??

He probably does want support, but so does the OP.

If your dh was having surgery and you said 'I want my mom there' and he didn't.. would you insist thepros? For your benefit?

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 08:50:33

I do wonder if he is more scared than he makes out. Due to my health we have been warned that following the birth my health may deteriorate (and render me useless for a while) which would effectively leave DH holding the baby - and he has no clue about babies!! He isn't overly close to his parents, loves them the same way other people love their parents, but I spend more time with them than he does smile

My gut instinct is that he's doing this because he knows how really hurt and upset his parents (his mom in particular) are about the fact they have missed out on having relationships with her other grandchildren. I think that he thinks that by making them so involved it will somehow take away some of the pain and be like a fresh start for them, a chance for them to have a grandchild they are allowed to be a part of it's life.

basgetti Wed 29-Jan-14 08:55:32

That is a nice sentiment but they have the next 18 years to be part of its life, it doesn't have to start as you are recovering from major surgery. Why is he prioritising his parent's potential feelings over your actual ones?

And he doesn't actually get to make these decisions, is he aware that you have the power to veto all visitors including him? Why does he have the impression that he is in charge?

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 09:00:33

It isn't like he thinks he's 'In Charge' just like I don't think I am. It's his baby too and I'm happy to find a compromise. If he wants his parents to know when the CS is taking place then I won't stop him telling them just as I'd never let him dictate to me what I could or couldn't say to my parents. I think, as a previous poster said, he just doesn't understand how crap I may be feeling after the procedure and that actually I won't want visitors - he seems to think they'll whip baby out, stitch me up, I will feel great and everything will be brilliant....

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 09:01:56

Well your baby is surely because you want a family, not so that his parents can have a GC that they will be involved with & tbh, if that is the reason & think that you will soon grow sick of it & the good relationship that you have with them atm will sour.

How far are they from the hospital?

If you do "deteriorate"-how quickly could they get there for him if necessary?

Incidentally, not all women have a clue about babies!

The only thing that we can do that men can't is bfeed!

And of course breast milk can be expressed!

NanooCov Wed 29-Jan-14 09:03:26

I think you've created a rod for your own back giving out the fake date - would have been easier just to tell everyone you wanted it to be a surprise and so weren't telling. As for whether or not to tell parents on the day, I don't think it's unusual to tell parents/v close family that you're on your way in to deliver whether section or not so I wouldn't see a problem with this - but I'd tell your parents too. Why treat them differently?

As for whether parents or in laws should be allowed to hang round hospital waiting for the moment to arrive, that's a totally different kettle of fish. You should have the visitors you want when you want them and your husband should support you in this. Is your husband assuming they'll want to sit at the hospital all day or is he making an assumption? Maybe they're more considerate than he gives them credit for?

I'd suggest a compromise - they can be told on the morning but are not allowed to come to the hospital until invited (probably next day but even then depends how you're doing).

LittleBearPad Wed 29-Jan-14 09:10:42

Why on earth will your PIL want to spend all day drinking crap coffee in a hospital canteen. I don't think your DH has thought this through.

As another poster said they aren't planning to do this with the fake date you've given them. Why would they with the real date.

They clearly don't live far away as I assume you're giving birth in your local hospital and they live on your street. They can come visit all being well in the evening. If need be tell them on the morning.

CS get moved all the time because an EMCS may need theatre. So despite having a date you may still not have the OP that date.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 09:11:37

diddl - the hospital is a 20 minute drive away, not far at all. I think if I were to deteriorate my DH would know that at least his parents would know what to do with a baby grin

nanoo - we tried the whole 'we want to keep it a secret angle' but it got us nowhere - you must have missed the posts about how crazy my family and friends drove me. It was either create a date or tell everyone to just fuck off! grin All this waiting around at the hospital is my husband's assumption, PIL have never indicated to me that it's something they would want to do - and I'm pretty sure they won't. Even if they did, I don't think I'd care as I wouldn't have to see them, but I would be very worried that as soon as I'm back on the ward my DH will be bringing them in to see me when I just won't want it.....or pressuring me about how they've been there all say so I can hardly turn them away.....

I think it's a bit weird, TBH. If I had a call from a loved one telling me about the baby's arrival my joy would be tainted by the fact that you'd lied.

Can you not just be honest? If you insist on secrecy, tell them that?

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 09:16:29

So if you start to get ill at the hospital they could be there quickly for him?

Although I'm not sure how it would work because if he's with them getting support, then he's not with you!

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 09:17:56

I think your DH is going to be very very let down by his parents behaving like reasonable people or you are going to be let down by them being unreasonable.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 09:22:38

It isn't like he thinks he's 'In Charge' just like I don't think I am.

But you ARE in charge!

YOU are about to undergo major surgery.

YOU are about to give birth to a baby from YOUR body.

If you don't feel in charge of this part of your life, then I truly despair about the relationship you are in with this domineering git.

he seems to think they'll whip baby out, stitch me up, I will feel great and everything will be brilliant....

I don't know how you can even look at someone so stupid and wilfully ignorant.

No fucker on the planet thinks this is how a Caesarean section works.

He's just suiting himself and seeing only what he wants so he can get his own way.

Yet again.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 09:25:41

I would be very worried that as soon as I'm back on the ward my DH will be bringing them in to see me when I just won't want it.....or pressuring me about how they've been there all say so I can hardly turn them away...

This is EXACTLY what he'll do.

How many threads have you started now about him browbeating you into getting his own way about things that you should get a say on?

He doesn't give a fuck what you want unless it happens to exactly accord with what he wants.

Then after his parents have been introduced to his son and heir, he'll name his offspring and you, the incubator, will get a new role as chief skivvy to the young price while he continues to ride roughshod over everything you want.

hackmum Wed 29-Jan-14 09:32:01

Writerwannabe: "In my eye, the labour and birth experience is between the parents and the baby - I don't see why other family members have to be factored into the process??"

They don't have to be factored into the process - on the other hand, it's not nice to lie to them. It's perfectly acceptable to say "We want to keep the date a secret" or to tell them the date but say you don't want any visitors for a couple of days afterwards, but deliberately misleading them makes it look as if you don't think their feelings are important.

The thing is, once you have a baby, your relationship with your own parents and in-laws changes. They are now grandparents. They will want to see the baby and spend time with it. You may not rely on them for childcare when you're at work, but what about when you want a night out? Or a Saturday off? It seems wise to get the whole new grandparent relationship off to a harmonious start.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 09:34:03

My relationship with my parents didn't change at all when I had children.

I'm still their child, they still love me in my own right and not just as a means of getting to their grandchildren.

My MIL seems to feel the same about DH.

The midwives are your friends OP. Tell them that you are not feeling up to visitors. Outside of visiting hours anyone getting access to you is at their discretion, whether they have been waiting all day or not.

Regardless of your husband's thoughts on the matter you are the patient and therefore you are the one who gets to decide, not the Frank Sinatra wannabe you married.

Only1scoop Wed 29-Jan-14 09:43:22

Writer....your DH should be bloody happy that the hospital let you change the date of elcs to accommodate his friends wedding commitmentsblush....that he seems to have the mainstay choice of the name....nursery decoration....and now the Birth is all getting a bit beyond me....
Time to just take charge of you day and how you wish it to go (rarely to plan I'm my experience).
YOU are giving birth....YOU are having major surgery....and he should be bending over bloody backwards to lessen the stress for you. Particuluarly as you have health issues which may effect your birth further.
Same date for everyone stop tying yourself up in knots.
He needs to grow up IMO

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:00:43

I just think he's severely deluded about what his parents are going to want to do!! I think once he realises they have no intention of camping out he will see how silly he was to even think it smile

ps) I do really like the name we have gone for, lol - it isn't like I hated it but he forced me into it grin

basgetti Wed 29-Jan-14 10:02:51

It isn't really about whether his parents will end up wanting to do what he thinks, and if he will feel silly about it. The problem is that he is ignoring your wishes in the first place.

basgetti Wed 29-Jan-14 10:04:25

And if they say they do want to camp out? What then? It is a pretty sad situation that you are relying on the wishes of your ILs to get the birth you want.

Only1scoop Wed 29-Jan-14 10:06:42

Glad you don't HATE the name HE has chosen....I actually hope you LOVE the name your ds will have.

Writer get in that driving seat....

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:08:21

If they do want to camp out then I'll just let them know they'll be wasting their time as they won't be able to see me until visiting times minimum and we can't guarantee they'll even get to see the baby if my Cs is done late or I'm not well. My DH has said he's happy to give them those facts and be honest with them about how the day may pan out (including the CS even being cancelled for emergencies etc) but that if they still choose to sit there for 12 hours then that's their choice. I think he feels the same way as a lot of posters do, that me 'lying' to them isn't fair.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:11:17

I wish I hadn't mentioned the baby's name now, lol. He suggested it as something he really liked, I don't have any names that I'm overly adamant/keen about having, I like the name he suggested and so we've gone for it. I'm not sure that makes him worthy of the comments he is receiving. My dad named both me and my sister as my mom 'wasn't fussed about any particular name' - I can't say I see that as being an issue.

FairPhyllis Wed 29-Jan-14 10:28:50

Ahhh. I'm developing a feeling here that he is concerned about you being out of action after the birth and him actually having to step up and look after the baby

I think he wants PILs there so they can look after the baby and he doesn't have to do anything.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:30:49

Definitely not that Phyllis - he is going to make a brilliant dad, I have absolutely no worries about that. I wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with him otherwise, lol smile

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 29-Jan-14 10:45:18

Just a thought further to Phyllis' post.

Could it be that he wants them on hand in case you are poorly after birth to be on hand to support you both. Obviously I don't know your condition but could he be worried about having to leave you on your own (if you would have to have treatment elsewhere).

I can imagine someone could feel quite torn between looking after their new born and trying to support their wife at the same time...?

memememum Wed 29-Jan-14 11:07:28

YANBU I didn't want all the stress of other people knowing my due date either. I had chatted to friends who had given out theirs and were then late and had people asking repeatedly for any news so i decided to just give the month when asked.

As it happened my first was early And had to go to SCBU. My parents and sister were on holiday the first 2 weeks and I think that was definitely good as they wouldn't have been allowed to visit and would just have been sitting around stressing and worrying had they been in the country.

With both our dcs we had decided to have 1 to 2 days with just us as a family before any visitors and that felt right with our Ds (born healthy).

I would say decide what you would prefer in terms of visitors and try to appeal to your dh in terms of that maybe.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 11:16:10

Well he might make a good dad, but he's a shit husband right now imo!

For a time it was thought that I would need a caesarian & I think if my husband had mentioned his parents wants/needs in terms of that at all I would have left him!

happyyonisleepyyoni Wed 29-Jan-14 11:24:39

aaah bless him.

He's seen too many tv shows where the entire cast wait around in the hospital for a baybee to be born. he probably hasn't got a clue that thay does not happen irl.

bodygoingsouth Wed 29-Jan-14 11:26:30

it's bad enough going 2 weeks over your due date and wankers saying 'have you had it yet' while you waddle like a beached whale and want to shout back ' just fucking fuck off to twat land, do I fucking look like I have had it!!!!'

no you are quite right and your dh should stop considering his daft parents and support you.

bio this right in the bud now op or you may find them upset they don't babysit/do overnight sleeps/ that you bf etc.

he's being a dick

Vagndidit Wed 29-Jan-14 11:37:04

I think your H is harbouring some romantic notions about the birth that are likely to disappoint in the end. I was dead against anyone else being at the hospital when DS was born. I didn't lie about the date that I had scheduled to give birth. He just happened to have different opinions on the matter altogether and came a week and a half early.

There's really not much you can control about these things. Best laid plans and all that... Welcome to parenthood

oscarwilde Wed 29-Jan-14 12:04:02

I'm pretty sure there were no visitors to see Prince George until the day or even two days after he was delivered.

Have you two done a visit to the hospital? It has registered with him that his parents can't just wander into the delivery ward or even the post natal ward to visit, without being buzzed in during visiting hours (which don't exist on the delivery ward).

Perhaps it is time to do a little negotiation.
"I'm happy to give your parents the real date (let's call it new date) for the ELCS. However, this is on the basis that a) he will contact them when the baby is born or if the operation is delayed a day or two so they are not hassling for news. b) they are not to wait at the hospital but will be called when you are well enough for visitors and c) should you become very ill postnatally, you both agree who will be called and who you would both like to take care of your child if he is by your side/ or vice versa."

I think the latter point is the one to discuss with your midwife and between you. Only you know your medical condition on here and whether or not you are potentially going to be separated from your child if there are issues. Depending on where you are in the country, you could even be in separate hospitals. I can understand why he is anxious and perhaps looking at it as a separate issue to who gets to see baby first, might help with the practicalities of visiting hours etc.

Ultimately you all have to go with the flow. Babies don't do plans very well in my experience.

SelectAUserName Wed 29-Jan-14 12:36:02

So you think your PILs will be reasonable in not wanting to hang around the hospital all day anyway, and you don't mind them knowing the real date so long as they promise not to hassle for news and understand it might be a day or so before they get to see the baby, but you don't want to go behind your DH's back in talking to them. And so this dilemma based on assumptions continues.

What is stopping you from saying to him "I'm going to pop along and have a chat with your parents today; I'll tell them the real date and we'll agree what we'll do in terms of news and visiting and whathaveyou in best case and worst case scenarios"? That's not going behind his back. Doesn't he trust you to have a reasonable conversation with them? Will he assume if you come back from the chat and report that (as you suspected) they have no intention of hanging about all day and are happy to wait for the call inviting them to come in that you must have coerced them into agreeing to stay at home? Is he able to accept that he was wrong and you were right without suspecting/accusing you of using nefarious means to secure their agreement? Will he insist that you don't speak to them without his presence, or that he will speak to them alone? Will he sulk?

gotthemoononastick Wed 29-Jan-14 13:12:48

Happyonis..as I said:these ghastly tv programmes have a lot to answer for.
Wondering if these inlaws have even asked to come.Surely nobody could be so wilfully intrusive?

meganorks Wed 29-Jan-14 13:24:33

Personally I think the fake date thing is a bit weird. Do you really think people won't be excited and happy when you call after the baby is born if they knew the date?! Of course they would. I would tell them. In fact I dis tell them - I had an elcs.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 29-Jan-14 13:29:47

The date that the OP has been given is not set in stone, all sorts of circumstances can arise that will mean it can happen earlier or later than originally thought. I ended up with three different dates then ended up having the section on a Bank Holiday four days before the last date arranged because my blood pressure was high and as it was a Bank Holiday the "team" were not busy.
I felt so ghastley afterwards only my dsis and my dad were told of the birth because I just couldn't face visitors who might hang about

JosieMcDozie Wed 29-Jan-14 13:40:51

I'm booked in for a certain date which we have told people about. My pil are already trying to manufacture immediate first visit (very important to them they see baby before my parents - very high maintenance, passive aggressive egocentric people). My date is nearly two months away and they are acting like this already. With my first they came in and took baby off me and passed him between themselves for the entire visiting time and got shirty when I asked for him back. Four years ago and it still pisses me off. I've already said to dh that the people I want to see are my son and my parents, not them. I am the one having a major op and therefore I do have a say on visitors. I won't exclude them, but will be doing things on my terms and will not be pandering to them.

You really need to be honest with them - it's not unreasonable in the slightest to want to have time to recover and bond just the three of you.

Theodorous Wed 29-Jan-14 14:02:43

I will never understand this. Does anyone actually really care much how and when and what gender other people's babies are? I have friends like this, months of locked rooms and newspaper at the baby room window. It makes me want to scream that, whilst important to you, is not of the slightest interest to me whatsoever. Bizarre sense of own importance if you ask me. Other people giving birth is sweet for them but that's about it really. Oh, and please don't post the crowning photos on my Facebook, I am sure it was special to you but to me it looks like beet root and salad cream.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 14:11:26

Wrong thread Theo?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Wed 29-Jan-14 14:13:24

sounds fine to me, can see thread has moved on but your keeping it real arnt you like a normal labour....

Theodorous Wed 29-Jan-14 14:15:51

No not wrong thread. Telling people fake dates is bloody weird.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Wed 29-Jan-14 14:27:04

Your DH needs to understand that actually not many women know what to do with a baby, women are not born with maternal desire or book on what to do....we all have to learn...

that includes most of our DH's too.

I have seen many men saying they are usless becoming naturals the min their own child is in their arms.

tell him not to panic, he will know what to do when te time comes

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 29-Jan-14 14:31:32

Actually Buds, that is a good point, and is also part of the reason why a lot of women (me included) don't want lots of visits and passing around of the baby immediately after birth. We've got to get our heads around the baby being there and start on what is frankly the steepest learning curve there is.

Inertia Wed 29-Jan-14 14:33:55

At this rate you might have to give DH a fake date.

Doesn't matter what he thinks is best, doesn't matter what his parents want - you are the patient going into hospital for major surgery. And the fact that he is so desperate to put his own wishes about his parents above the needs of his wife and baby bodes very ill for the future.

Use the midwives- make it clear at all your appointments and on your birth plan that you don't want visitors in the delivery suite and for x amount of time on the ward, even if your husband attempts to force the issue.

Andcake Wed 29-Jan-14 14:37:16

I know the conversation has moved on. we told close family date but not friends. Also after a cs (i don't like the elective bit as I had it for medical reasons) you can't really move (cathatar etc) are very groggy so the next day is perfect for visitors - point out cs is major surgery and you will also need time to get bf going, My dad wanted to turn up later int he day but we just said no. Sometimes things also don't go quite to plan if there are too many emergency cs due you might get bumped.
Just say no - you are an adult.

Also fake date nonsense seems very childish - but i don't really do family politics.

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 15:05:27

When you have the baby , I can bet any money dh will beg to have them up 'just for a min ' ... You will be in no fit state for a row and will agree!

Stop being a push over!

melika Wed 29-Jan-14 15:12:06

No we didn't tell anyone, was a bit difficult night before when I had visitors in the hospital, keeping it schtum, especially when the Doctors came to my bed to talk to me!

It's nerve wracking enough without people knowing. YANBU

Andcake all 'Elective' means is that it is a planned c section, not that you elect to have it. So a section for medical needs as opposed to patient choice is still Elective.

Shitehawke Wed 29-Jan-14 15:19:46

If you told a man he had to have a leg amputated, no anesthetic, and he was scared.....that he then had to have his in-laws hanging about because they were excited and had never seen an amputee before, you would be thought of as unreasonable!
Now tell him he has to suck it up, get a grip, stop attention seeking if he tries to avoid this hellish scenario and see if he changes his attitude.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Wed 29-Jan-14 15:31:44

If your dh was having surgery and you said 'I want my mom there' and he didn't.. would you insist thepros? For your benefit?

Read my post properly please PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon I did not say that his parents should be there.

FairPhyllis Wed 29-Jan-14 15:51:48

OP, what would actually happen if you just said, "No, your parents won't be hanging around the hospital on the day regardless of what you/they want, because I don't want them there"?

If he would say, "oh OK then," then all is well.

If he would huff and puff and try to wheedle, or try to spring them on you on the day, then he's not being a supportive partner or a good father. It's that simple.

What would actually happen if you told the ward not to admit anyone except him?

For all that you are trying to be a cheerleader for him, he's coming across very poorly here, especially in light of the wedding thread. Why does everything have to be organised around what he wants?

I know you'll say, oh well, I didn't really care about the name, or having to organise my ELCS around him going to a wedding. Well this apparently is something you care about, or you wouldn't have posted. So why don't you just put your foot down, and get what you want when it is important to you?

2rebecca Wed 29-Jan-14 16:28:04

If you have a good relationship with his parents then if i were you I'd be telling them that you'd be delighted for them to have a loving relationship with their grandchild but you would like a bit of space in the first few days after the birth as you will be feeling unwell so would prefer it if they gave you a few hours to come round after the section and only stayed for short periods at visiting times as your husband has suggested they'll be wanting to visit the minute the baby is born and you don't want to feel overwhelmed and have the relationship between you deteriorate.
Your husband has to see that his parents being pushy and him letting them be pushy and not protecting you could turn a good relationship into a poor one.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 29-Jan-14 16:42:16

Thanks for all continued replies - I have spoken to a lot of my family today about this issue (admitted about fake date etc) and none of them have issues with us keeping it a secret and said they understand why it should just be the 3 of us and that not visiting until at least the next day is not a problem. I'll tell my husband that when he comes home so he can see just how 'acceptable' it is to my relatives for us to have this time together.

If I tell my husband I probably wont want visitors on the first day he will accept that but I also know he'll be disappointed for his parents - well, he'll think his parents would be disappointed. I wish his mom would come round so I could somehow slip it into conversation and actually see what they envision "Birth Day" to involve. I'm 95% sure they won't want to hang around all day but I get a feeling they would like to see the baby the same day it's born.

Inertia Wed 29-Jan-14 16:54:37

There's a lot of guesswork going on here about what his parents want- both from you and from DH.

If it were me, I would talk directly to ILs- if you have a close enough relationship to be discussing them turning up to see you in a body-exposing hospital gown, a catheter, blood everywhere and possibly breasts out then you are close enough to speak with them directly.

I'd tell them that you've been given a provisional date (which is fakedate) but nothing is guaranteed even on the day itself, so you'll give them a ring once you have some news and make visiting arrangements then (depending on how long you and the baby need to recover before seeing visitors, and what the hospital policy is). If they protested that they didn't mind what you looked like, I would explain that it wasn't for the benefit of their sensibilities, it would be for the health of you and your baby.

I feel desperately sorry for all the new mothers on this thread who've been railroaded into giving in to other people's demands- and even had their babies kept from them- when they have been at their most exhausted and vulnerable.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:41

"If they protested that they didn't mind what you looked like, I would explain that it wasn't for the benefit of their sensibilities, it would be for the health of you and your baby."

Amen to that!

When my PFB was still in scbu & I was bfeeding, ILs came to visit.

Husband said she's just bfeeding & FIL said, oh that's ok & went to walk past him!

Fortunately husband said no, I wanted to continue without an audience!

FixItUpChappie Wed 29-Jan-14 18:06:27

I think the whole fake date idea is bizarre and unnecessarily drama inducing. Really, I've had 2 sections - what is the big deal if your parents/ILs drop by for 10 min to meet their grandchild? Why not keep them posted and enjoy their excitement? If your BF'ing just send them off to the cafeteria for a coffee.

Right after your section you will be on good drugs. Feeling good, feeling nothing. Its really not a bad time for a brief visit. When they start to wear off the next day....well, its all downhill from there.

I just think your making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Really a new baby is as exciting to parents/grandparents whether you know the date in advance or not. Its a new baby! They are fabulous!

Just my own 2 cents OP. Hope it goes well whatever you decide.

FixItUpChappie Wed 29-Jan-14 18:08:17

Oh and this I agree with:

There's a lot of guesswork going on here about what his parents want- both from you and from DH.

Just talk to them about it. You don't actually know if they want to hang out in a hospital all day (who would?!). Your guessing. Ask them.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 18:12:37

"Really, I've had 2 sections - what is the big deal if your parents/ILs drop by for 10 min to meet their grandchild?"

hmm

Well I've had 3 sections, and the big deal is - she doesn't want them there.

So many people who don't understand that women are humans.

Thankfully in my family we don't go barging into hospital to "meet" the new baby.

Should we visit we go in to see our much beloved family member who has just had a baby, to see how she is and give her some attention and congratulations.

Seeing the tiny, scrawny, sleepy, unresponsive little scrag bag that will one day be a cute baby is a secondary consideration.

NOBODY who is coming to "meet" the baby should be allowed over the fucking threshold. The people worth allowing in are coming to see the mother.

FixItUpChappie Wed 29-Jan-14 18:14:44

^^Sorry but I think that is really precious.

Does the OP have some evidence that people will "bargin" in, you know as opposed to stopping by like most normal people? There is a lot of inflammatory language used to describe these grandparents who haven't even stated their intentions.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 18:19:44

The grandparents haven't stated their intentions, but the husband, who we already know from previous threads is a domineering, selfish prick, is very likely to browbeat the OP into having them visit even if she doesn't feel up to it.

But of course, women are always being "precious" with their "feelings" and ideas that what they want actually counts for something and other people should listen to them.

This is HER decision.

No other fucker's opinion counts for shit here.

Just hers.

She is pregnant. She is having her abdomen sliced open and a baby will be wrestled out of it. She will be numb from the waist down, unable to walk and with a catheter drawing urine out of her body. She has a medical condition that is likely to deteriorate after the birth.

Everyone else should fuck the fuck off and let her deal with this potentially traumatic medical procedure as she she's fit.

And that includes the wanker who runs her life.

quietlysuggests Wed 29-Jan-14 18:20:44

there was an episode in the American office when 2 people are finally getting together after a lot of flirting. No one else pays them any interest but they tie themselves in knots trying to "avoid the drama"
I think you are being really weird and odd.
If you were my sister and I found out you had pulled a "fake date" on me I would react by thinking -fine then have it your way there will be NO Fuss from my point of view and I will visit in a couple of weeks, maybe on your fake date ha ha!
Seriously, this is weird.
I have had elective sections. What are you on about them "projecting" their opinions onto you? You sound very PFB and should be grateful there are people who want to get excited about your baby's birth.

This is so odd, it really is.

FitzgeraldProtagonist Wed 29-Jan-14 18:29:49

I think it is fair enough to want to have a special time without the pressure of relatives outside. My own DM did this at birth of DS1 and that kind of spoiled it. I was too scared to give my view.

This time it will be me and DP for a few hours-we are both looking forward to this time. Then I want to get cleaned up and rest. THEN visitors please and more the merrier.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 19:03:19

Any family member who cannot put there own feelings aside for a few days or even hours to delay the instant gratification of seeing a new baby in favour of the new mums health and feelings has a bit of a cheek calling themselves family.

Families are meant to respect and care for each other in times of vulnerability.

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 19:03:48

joinyour love your post!

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:57

I am beginning to dread being a mother in law, how nice to have to DIL that makes up a fake birth date as she doesnt want the grandparents around.

I'd be totally hurt if my DS lied to me like that.

No doubt OP will be back after moaning the grandparents dont do x, y and z.

BrandNewIggi Wed 29-Jan-14 19:17:29

She told her dm the same thing, happymum, or did you not see that? Don't turn it into a mil issue when it's not it's an arsy dh issue

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 29-Jan-14 19:20:49

I am beginning to dread being a mother in law

If you start practising now, you might be able to conquer your unreasonable desire to impose yourself on people who've just had a major operation before your son marries.

HungryHorace Wed 29-Jan-14 19:22:43

At the hospital I gave birth at - and will do so again this time - you're kept in recovery for 4 hours and nobody is allowed in to see you except your birth partner.

What that means is, unless you have a REALLY early section, visiting hours will have been and gone by the time you come downstairs, if it's an ELCS.

My EMCS was after lunch, so nobody got to see any of us until the next day and nobody sulked, so far as I know. If they had I'd have told them to get a grip!

My own family live 170 miles away, so my sister came up when DD was a week old and we travelled to my parents when she was 2 months old as they can't travel for health reasons. Again, nobody sulked, though they were chomping at the bit to see her.

They apparently let you out the next day after an ELCS if it happens before lunch, so it may be a couple of days before people see us next time due to timings etc, but we shall see.

Ultimately they'll have to go with whatever's convenient at the time. That doesn't mean they're excluded, it just means that circumstances will dictate what can and can't happen.

Thankfully my DH is very supportive, and if I'm not up for visitors he will tell them no. And that's how it should be.

Put your foot down, WW. It's important you get what you want / need after the ELCS.

HungryHorace Wed 29-Jan-14 19:24:15

Happy, I suggest you brush up on your comprehension skills as you seem to have read the OP's posts incorrectly.

Oh, and what Join said.

SelectAUserName Wed 29-Jan-14 19:24:33

OP, if your husband is "disappointed" on behalf of his parents, or assumes they will be - well, boo fucking hoo. They're all adults, two of them are old enough to be grandparents so I'm sure they've had plenty of time to adjust to disappointment and the fact life doesn't always hand you everything you want.

It's sad that they can't be as much a part of their other GCs' lives as they would want, but it is not your responsibility to make up for that by sublimating your wish to have the birth that you think will suit the health of you and your baby best.

This is all getting blown up out of all proportion. TELL them all how it is going to be, prime your midwives and stick to your guns. Six months on, when they've had every opportunity to be doting grandparents, they probably won't even remember which day they first got to see your child.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Wed 29-Jan-14 19:33:04

Look, you're having a baby.

That is bloody big enough, special enough and downright amazing enough not to require silly games and mystery.

Grow. Up.

The harshest post I think I've ever written. Somehow irritated by this. Op, you just don't seem to 'get' what pregnancy is all about. You are going to give birth to a baby, not deliver a bunch of flowers.

To be clear. YADBU

Euphemia Wed 29-Jan-14 19:38:31

I think your DH has got himself into a fankle over this, and when he speaks to his parents they'll be totally fine with your plan.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 19:43:53

What a cuntish post

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jan-14 19:45:25

lifeis

What exactly is unreasonable about not wanting to be bothered with people straight after a c section unless she's up to it and phones them

HungryHorace Wed 29-Jan-14 19:46:01

I agree Sock. No need at all.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Wed 29-Jan-14 19:51:59

Goodness!

Not that bit, the entire non drama surrounding the date.

We don't even know what the pils want or otherwise it just seems like an awful lot if drama when very little has actually been discussed in an adult manner.

But I suppose if a fake date was issued, then adults talking sensibly and openly is perhaps not on the cards.

I had a similar experience with in laws. They were desperate to visit at the hospital, but I preferred not. One day, I just said that I know how desperate they were to visit at the hospital, ans this grandchild was so lucky to have such loving and excites grandparents, but I was nervous about a few things and I know that the stay likely to be very shirt, so pls could we hold off the visit until we are at open.

There was silence, and then 'oh, ok then'. They weent over the moon, but it was sorted.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Wed 29-Jan-14 19:52:40

Open should read home

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 29-Jan-14 19:54:28

I can understand why you wouldn't want visitors after having a c section.

I had an EMCS and although I had my parents around it was mainly to help me with things like Mum helped bathe me as I was pretty sore and was on some icky medications.

Both Mum and Dad came but they only came for an hour or so at a time and both my partner and I are VI so it was a great help to have Mum and Dad there. Mum helped me with BFing when I was still half asleep and Dad rocked DD to sleep whilst I got a half hour during the day. They are still excellent with DD.

However if DHs parents or even my sister and her partner would've turned up I would've felt rubbish. Even with my parents visiting they were always gone by 6pm until 9am so nighttime was just me and DP and little lady.

paxtecum Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:45

I know someone who didn't tell anyone the date of her ELCS, but expected both families to drop everything NOW and visit in the time slot that they were at allocated at short notice - oh as well as travel 300 miles to the hospital.

She did end up asking her DM to stay for several weeks to look after her and the baby.
It would have been much easier for the DM to have known the date, so she could reorganise her work and other commitments.

I think a fake date is a bit odd, tbh.
Op will you need the help of your parents and in laws after the birth?

Loopytiles Wed 29-Jan-14 20:12:05

I have had 2 C-sections and would not have wanted any visitors soon afterwards. And was too highondrugs unwell to phone anyone, DH did the phone calls.

V unseemly for grandparents to hover at hospitals in hope of an early visit!

The first time around breastfeeding was difficult too, did not fancy seeing PiL with boobs out and a catheter / bag in!

BakerStreetSaxRift Wed 29-Jan-14 20:24:32

OP, YADNBU.

You are having major surgery. You're DH needs to understand that your needs, wants and comfort come first in the immediate aftermath.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 29-Jan-14 20:33:15

You should have what you want. Your DH having his own way will upset you. You having your own way will annoy your husband. That isn't the same at all. He is also putting what he thinks your parents will want before what you DO want.

With DC1 I had only gone in for a scan. PIL knew the rough time. Predictably FIL rang a few hours later to see how it went. We rang them from the hospital when it suited us to say we had had our baby. All good. They were just relieved we were both fine as it had been an emergency.

YANBU.

I hate to say it but I do think pregnant woman wants trumps mummy's boy DH.

BrandNewIggi Wed 29-Jan-14 21:26:48

This is t even about not wanting a visitor post section though is it, it's about not wanting the whole family sitting at the hospital throughout the entire wait/section itself. (My last elcs took 8.5 hours of waiting btw)

Lifeisaboxofchocs Wed 29-Jan-14 22:16:09

- I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all.

The 'magic' is to be found in your newborn baby ffs.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 30-Jan-14 08:45:24

The 'magic' is to be found in your newborn baby ffs.

hmm

Oh do take your sanctimonious crap to your own thread and boast about how pure and perfect your response to your new baby was and how once it was born you immediately ceased to care about anything else at all in the world.

I found it pretty magical to tell people the news of my new babies.

Balistapus Thu 30-Jan-14 09:14:41

I had an elective c section. We didn't tell anyone that's what was planned, we only gave them the due date just like any other pregnancy.

The OP is definitely NBU. First and foremost the birth was mine and my partner's first baby, something for us to experience and then break the news that she was here. Those first few hours of just the three of us were extremely special. If I had told either set of parent's before and - heaven forbid - if they'd been at the hospital, I would have felt like some kind of brood mare delivering their grandchild IYSWIM.

I think in this day of over sharing it's sad that people who don't feel that way have to fight to keep their privacy about such obvious things as having a baby.

Inertia Thu 30-Jan-14 13:30:21

Yes, the magic is to be found in your newborn baby- in having those precious hours to get to know one another as a new little family unit. The magic is in holding your baby for the first time, feeding him or her, baby/dad bonding time while the new mum has the opportunity to get her body put back together and cleaned up- NOT trying to do all this after your husband has spent your labour/ theatre time worrying about the comfort of his parents in the waiting room, and while he or the new GPs themselves try to establish some kind of GP pecking order by fighting their way in to hold the baby before even the new mother has had chance.

The grandparents will get their time with the baby. But the magic of those early moments really does depend on the mother having as much choice as possible over what happens to her body , and what happens once the baby is born.

Writer , I don't know your backstory, but your comment about DH having his own way about everything else about the pregnancy and insisting that he has his own way about what happens when you are in hospital giving birth is alarming. Usually couples decide together? on a name, a nursery, the decision about knowing the sex, and he has apparently made all those decisions- and now he is insisting on control over what happens when you are in hospital as well.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 30-Jan-14 16:04:30

Last night my dad phoned me whilst my DH was in the same room as me and I made the point to my dad that we were keeping the CS date a secret and would just tell people once he's been born. I also told him I most likely wouldn't even want visitors on the first night and that I'd even asked my sister (who I'm super, duper close to and who everyone would expect me to want there) not to visit until at least the next day. I could see my DH taking it all in and I think he knows that regardless of what his parents want, the plan is going the way I want it to. When I put the phone down me and DH discussed it again a little but I stuck to my compromise and said that if he really wants to tell hid parents when the date is, then he can - but, he said to me, (acknowledging really for the first time) "But it isn't what you want is it??" I shook my head and said no, it wasn't and he smiled at me in a way that shows he knows his parents are not going to be a factor in decision making.

I actually don't even care anymore if his parent's know the real date, I don't care if they want to waste 12 hours of their life sitting in a hospital canteen but what I do care about is that they are told that I probably won't want visitors. As long as they are aware that they aren't getting an automatic Free Pass to see the baby the night it's born then I will be happy with that.

I spoke to my Auntie yesterday and she said that when she and her DH had their first baby that first evening together after the birth was so special, and that the 3 of them being together as a family (she asked nobody to visit) was a very precious time. As she rightly said, it isn't a time we will never get back.

CSIJanner Thu 30-Jan-14 16:43:57

Yay for the understanding smile and listening to you grin

Cockadoodledooo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:44:05

I had an elective section with ds2. We did tell people beforehand when it was happening, and we didn't have any visitors (aside from my dfriend, who dropped ds1 off to meet his new brother) as we'd asked family for time to ourselves. My parents visited for a couple of hours the day after he was born, dh's the day after we were discharged. If you're bothered about visitors, Just Say No!

Really don't get the need for a fake date though.

MrsAMerrick Thu 30-Jan-14 16:48:35

yanbu. I knew a few days beforehand with dc1 that I was going to be induced, we didn't say anything to anyone. It was our business, no-one elses. I phoned my parents a few hours after the birth to tell them they were grandparents, and they were so surprised (he was early) and overwhelmed. It was lovely to be able to tell them like that rather than them half - knowing.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 30-Jan-14 16:48:59

Really don't get the need for a fake date though

You must have missed the posts describing the horror of my families constant questioning and harassment grin Believe me, it was our only option in order to shut everyone up smile

bumbleymummy Thu 30-Jan-14 17:02:13

I'm glad that you feel that your husband has taken your feelings on board smile

I, personally, would prob tell parents/PILs on the day though. When I went into labour we notified both our parents - just so they knew where we were and could be on call in case they were needed. It was still magical phoning them afterwards and telling them that the baby had arrived, weight, name etc. There was no pressure from them to come up and visit etc but I felt fine and wanted to show my boys off both times so I invited them up smile I suppose it would be different if you felt they would definitely not stay away if they knew the date.

FlockOfTwats Thu 30-Jan-14 23:40:46

Glad he seems to have listened to you.

TBF this might all end up a complete waste of time anyway - If you don't get taken down for your c section until later in the day you might not even be back up on the ward before visiting, So it would be taken out of your hands no matter what then.

Good luck with the birth smile

Writerwannabe83 Fri 31-Jan-14 13:46:39

Well there has been huge progress this morning thanks to a woman sitting next to us in the hospital waiting room whilst we were waiting for our Obstetrician appointment.

She'd had an ELCS 3 months ago and because she was chatting to me about it I asked as many questions as I could so that DH could hear the reality of it!! She'd had quite a bad time, been kept in recovery for 8 hours due to BP problems and bleeding and she said that in terms of recovery it took her a good 8 weeks to feel 'herself' again. My DH couldn't resist by asking, "How soon after the CS did you have visitors?" She told him that she'd felt so horrific that she hadn't wanted to see anyone - she said that lots of family turned up but she told the midwives not to let them in because she just couldn't face anyone. She then said to me, "You'll probably feel exactly the same, you just can't deal with it."

I could have kissed her!!!! grin

My DH then passed comment about his parents will be absolutely itching to see the baby but then he turned to me and said that he was happy to tell them not to expect to see the baby and that if I didn't want visitors until the next day then they'd just have to accept it. He said if that's what I want then that's what matters.

Oh the relief smile