To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?(534 Posts)
This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:
There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.
There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.
Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.
Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.
My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.
I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.
One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.
I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.
So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You could tell them someone in your house is ill, so suggest cancelling or moving to a pub/restaurant? Saves you the money of the meal if they agree to it too!
Are they staying all weekend or just coming for a meal?
I'd book a table at a pub near you and text them all saying something along the lines of you've been very busy and have not had time to cook so you've booked a table at X o'clock.
Alternatively if text saying you'll make a big Lane. / Roast joint /whatever and ask one to bring nibbles, one to bring kids food, a couple to bring deserts and one to bring breakfast stuff. And all to bring wine. If they're starting you could ask them to bring sleeping bags etc so you haven't got so much washing to do after too.
Don't set up the expectation that you'll run around skivying all weekend while they get pissed.
If you share out the jobs a bit you might feel less resentful and enjoy yourself. And if they don't come under these circumstances then they are no great loss.
Lane is autocorrect for lasagne
I don't think you being a miser at all and in all honesty I think it's a bloody cheek that you're expected to be the 'hostess with the mostest' and provide all hospitality for so many.
Are they expecting to bunk up at yours all weekend?
Tell them you've thought it over and it doesn't work for you. Or that your husband or partner isn't keen on having so many people to stay over for a whole weekend. That's ridiculous, to expect to lodge so many people an e tire weekend or treat a host like a hotel.
Sod that, I would say let's meet at a restaurant as it not convenient. If not say dc have DV and so can we meet elsewhere. You do not have to do thi, I most certainly would not, what a big expectation!
I'd also say that you've given it some thought and you aren't comfortable with having so many over at once.
If they get huffy and pull the bitch face, well tough tits on them.
I bet none of them will offer to do it.
I would pull out if I felt like you so please don't feel bad for doing so.
I mean this in the nicest possible way but you're completely mad agreeing to this. The venue should be a hotel/restaurant.
Also can't see the need for aĺl partners and children of any of reunion attendees to be involved.
I've been to a few of these, were always in a public venue, some partners came but no children.
You cannot cater for that many people. Gosh.
I'm surprised not one of them has suggested they each bring something like a salad, dessert, sides, drinks. Unreal.
I think you should whats app them all again with a list if what they can bring and they can each choose something. It's unreasonable of them to expect you to do everything.
If that horrid woman says something about your home, just turn to her with a slightly disgusted face and say, "Sorry? What did you say?"
And if I were you, after this event, I would fade from the view of these people. You think they're okay, you like them but you sound like you've lot of friends you really do love so focus on them.
No drama just disappear.
You can't pull out of the event now though.
Grow a backbone! What's app them all back, 'this doesn't work for us. We can't accommodate so many people for a weekend. We need to find a venue to meet up.' Tbh it sounds like these 'friends' have been users for a long time.
Why did you agree???
Book a private room/area in a pub.
Make note to self never to agree to anything like this again
DesperatelySeekingSanity what's D and V?
I could book a table at a restaurant instead but that would just be one meal in the afternoon . I'd still have to do breakfast and dinner. I suggested on the whatsapp group that they bring a dish but so far, two have said they can't because they're goi somewhere else first and others have not responded. One has suggested she bring dessert.
Most if them want to stay the night too. One of them says she can't but the rest are hoping to. I initially said they were welcome but since then, I haven't said anything so I think they're either hoping I'll know they're staying or that the first welcome still stands and is confirmation that I'll be getting rooms ready.
My husband comes home from a trip a road on Saturday morning so really, it's unreasonable to expect him to come home to a house full of guests. I told them he was coming back that morning but they just carried on making plans anyway.
You can put a stop to this.
Your post is full of they decided my house they wanted that weekend, what about what you want?
You've got time to cancel, don't be doing something that you don't want to.
Be brave, come on you can do it!
I know. I'm such a bloody walkover. Reading what you're all suggesting, I can't believe what a wimp I've turned into.
No, just no.
Try it "no"
Repeat after me "no" if you must " sorry ,no"
But in any case " no"
They're using you for a free weekend.
Don't do it!
Oh my goodness, how presumptuous!
Send a message to everyone saying unfortunately circumstances have changed and you can't put people up. Should everyone still want to meet up, there are enough rooms available at x hotel/b&b and you can book a table at restaurant x for a late lunch.
FFS, you don't HAVE to do FA, and if I were your husband, I'd tell them to fuck off myself. These are not friends, just users.
One of the excellent effects of getting older is the ability to say no. You can say no in a very pleasant but firm manner. "I've booked a table at the Cock and Hound for us, we will have a lovely dinner" " There are several B&B's in our vicinity, I will send you the links". Why should you be responsible for feeding and lodging all these people? Pleasant, Firm, but NO...I promise once you say it, you will feel such a sense of relief and power.
No booking a table, either. Fuck that. 'This doesn't work for us. We need to come up with an alternative because my home is't available to lodge everyone for a weekend.'
I think YABU because you agreed to do it in the first place and are now trying to backtrack.
Seems very unbalanced, with you doing almost all of the work/providing almost all of the food, but then again, you've gone along with it!
If it's for next week, you've got time to change the arrangements to something fairer where everybody contributes.
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