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To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

(534 Posts)
TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 10:51:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sun 26-Jan-14 10:53:22

Tactical D and V?

Lulu1083 Sun 26-Jan-14 10:54:51

You could tell them someone in your house is ill, so suggest cancelling or moving to a pub/restaurant? Saves you the money of the meal if they agree to it too!

Are they staying all weekend or just coming for a meal?

I'd book a table at a pub near you and text them all saying something along the lines of you've been very busy and have not had time to cook so you've booked a table at X o'clock.

Alternatively if text saying you'll make a big Lane. / Roast joint /whatever and ask one to bring nibbles, one to bring kids food, a couple to bring deserts and one to bring breakfast stuff. And all to bring wine. If they're starting you could ask them to bring sleeping bags etc so you haven't got so much washing to do after too.

Don't set up the expectation that you'll run around skivying all weekend while they get pissed.

If you share out the jobs a bit you might feel less resentful and enjoy yourself. And if they don't come under these circumstances then they are no great loss.

Lane is autocorrect for lasagne

I don't think you being a miser at all and in all honesty I think it's a bloody cheek that you're expected to be the 'hostess with the mostest' and provide all hospitality for so many.

Are they expecting to bunk up at yours all weekend?

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:06:07

Tell them you've thought it over and it doesn't work for you. Or that your husband or partner isn't keen on having so many people to stay over for a whole weekend. That's ridiculous, to expect to lodge so many people an e tire weekend or treat a host like a hotel.

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 11:08:24

Sod that, I would say let's meet at a restaurant as it not convenient. If not say dc have DV and so can we meet elsewhere. You do not have to do thi, I most certainly would not, what a big expectation!

I'd also say that you've given it some thought and you aren't comfortable with having so many over at once.

If they get huffy and pull the bitch face, well tough tits on them.

I bet none of them will offer to do it.

WhatYouTalkingAbout Sun 26-Jan-14 11:11:39

I would pull out if I felt like you so please don't feel bad for doing so.

Caitlin17 Sun 26-Jan-14 11:12:06

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you're completely mad agreeing to this. The venue should be a hotel/restaurant.

Also can't see the need for aĺl partners and children of any of reunion attendees to be involved.

I've been to a few of these, were always in a public venue, some partners came but no children.

winkywinkola Sun 26-Jan-14 11:12:41

You cannot cater for that many people. Gosh.

I'm surprised not one of them has suggested they each bring something like a salad, dessert, sides, drinks. Unreal.

I think you should whats app them all again with a list if what they can bring and they can each choose something. It's unreasonable of them to expect you to do everything.

If that horrid woman says something about your home, just turn to her with a slightly disgusted face and say, "Sorry? What did you say?"

And if I were you, after this event, I would fade from the view of these people. You think they're okay, you like them but you sound like you've lot of friends you really do love so focus on them.

No drama just disappear.

You can't pull out of the event now though.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:15:01

Grow a backbone! What's app them all back, 'this doesn't work for us. We can't accommodate so many people for a weekend. We need to find a venue to meet up.' Tbh it sounds like these 'friends' have been users for a long time.

Hoppinggreen Sun 26-Jan-14 11:15:23

Why did you agree???
Book a private room/area in a pub.
Make note to self never to agree to anything like this again

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 11:16:52

DesperatelySeekingSanity what's D and V?

I could book a table at a restaurant instead but that would just be one meal in the afternoon . I'd still have to do breakfast and dinner. I suggested on the whatsapp group that they bring a dish but so far, two have said they can't because they're goi somewhere else first and others have not responded. One has suggested she bring dessert.

Most if them want to stay the night too. One of them says she can't but the rest are hoping to. I initially said they were welcome but since then, I haven't said anything so I think they're either hoping I'll know they're staying or that the first welcome still stands and is confirmation that I'll be getting rooms ready.

My husband comes home from a trip a road on Saturday morning so really, it's unreasonable to expect him to come home to a house full of guests. I told them he was coming back that morning but they just carried on making plans anyway.

You can put a stop to this.

Your post is full of they decided my house they wanted that weekend, what about what you want?

You've got time to cancel, don't be doing something that you don't want to.

Be brave, come on you can do it!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 11:19:35

I know.sad I'm such a bloody walkover. Reading what you're all suggesting, I can't believe what a wimp I've turned into.

Hoppinggreen Sun 26-Jan-14 11:19:37

No, just no.
Try it "no"
Repeat after me "no" if you must " sorry ,no"
But in any case " no"

They're using you for a free weekend.

Don't do it!

whois Sun 26-Jan-14 11:20:57

Oh my goodness, how presumptuous!

Send a message to everyone saying unfortunately circumstances have changed and you can't put people up. Should everyone still want to meet up, there are enough rooms available at x hotel/b&b and you can book a table at restaurant x for a late lunch.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:21:00

FFS, you don't HAVE to do FA, and if I were your husband, I'd tell them to fuck off myself. These are not friends, just users.

SecretWitch Sun 26-Jan-14 11:22:03

One of the excellent effects of getting older is the ability to say no. You can say no in a very pleasant but firm manner. "I've booked a table at the Cock and Hound for us, we will have a lovely dinner" " There are several B&B's in our vicinity, I will send you the links". Why should you be responsible for feeding and lodging all these people? Pleasant, Firm, but NO...I promise once you say it, you will feel such a sense of relief and power.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:22:27

No booking a table, either. Fuck that. 'This doesn't work for us. We need to come up with an alternative because my home is't available to lodge everyone for a weekend.'

MardyBra Sun 26-Jan-14 11:22:32

I think YABU because you agreed to do it in the first place and are now trying to backtrack.

fascicle Sun 26-Jan-14 11:27:41

Seems very unbalanced, with you doing almost all of the work/providing almost all of the food, but then again, you've gone along with it!

If it's for next week, you've got time to change the arrangements to something fairer where everybody contributes.

Avalon Sun 26-Jan-14 11:28:41

YANBU. And there's plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.

D and V is diarrhoea and vomiting.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 11:28:46

MardyBra that's what's keeping me from cancelling. I feel I agreed to it initially, albeit quite quietly and very obviously reluctantly, so it's rude of me to pull out.

Anyway, in the last 5 mins they've all decide amongst themselves that they're staying over. The awkward friend has also told everyone not to worry because 'TheDiet has a lovely big six bedroomed posh house and is the best cook ever.' She added that she can't wait to eat all the lovely different things I'm going to cook. hmm

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 11:31:52

They can't bring something because they are going somewhere first? What a f**** liberty.

You need to man up op and tell them you've changed your mind as it's too much.

If you need an excuse tell them dh is coming back from a work trip so that weekend has becme inconvenient.

Then don't commit to anything else.

Saying no is good for you.

Don't be guilt tripped either.

woooooooobooo Sun 26-Jan-14 11:32:56

A quick message claiming the bath/roof whatever has sprung a leak and caused a ceiling to collapse therefore unfortunately you obviously cannot possibly manage to host especially with dh being abroad as there's noone home all week to arrange workmen. Then ask who is able to host so everyone's weekend isn't wasted grin

I'm sure everyone will suddenly be busy etc

woooooooobooo Sun 26-Jan-14 11:33:44

A quick message claiming the bath/roof whatever has sprung a leak and caused a ceiling to collapse therefore unfortunately you obviously cannot possibly manage to host especially with dh being abroad as there's noone home all week to arrange workmen. Then ask who is able to host so everyone's weekend isn't wasted grin

I'm sure everyone will suddenly be busy etc

Just read your last post.

Fuck that!!

Cancel it now, that cheeky butch!

Hoppinggreen Sun 26-Jan-14 11:34:35

Add me to your whatsapp group - I'll tell the freeloading bastards for you!!!

NuggetofPurestGreen Sun 26-Jan-14 11:34:40

6 bedrooms doesn't sound like it's enough for the number coming. There's still time to cancel it's another week away. I see where you're coming from with the fact that you already agreed but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Other people do that all the time and get away with it.

Just say sorry it doesn't suit, your husband is only home Saturday morning, too busy blah blah.

SecretWitch Sun 26-Jan-14 11:35:04

Op, you need to make the decision you can live with. If this were happening to me, I would be filled with resentment and bile. I would be agonizing over the cost, not just financial but emotional as well. Someone pointed out earlier, these people are using you for free room and board. I would give this a hard think..

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 11:35:09

Don't make an excuse. Use fb/ text, announce that you're really sorry but it's just going to be too much. Maybe we can rearrange a different date at a neutral venue. End of, if they don't like it then bin them. Making excuses isn't dealing with the issue.

Lavenderhoney Sun 26-Jan-14 11:36:33

What's app and say you've since discussed with your dh and due to the building work going on, it won't be possible.

Suggest a hotel that does a big Sunday lunch prepaid and book it.

If anyone moans or says another weekend, just say no, sorry, we can't do it until the work is done, so there has to be another solution. Its sounds a nightmare tbh.

Suggest a camping festival in the summer over a weekend with dc ( a child friendly one)

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 11:36:34

You might have agreed but the lazy fuckers can't even be arsed to bring a salad. You have nothing to feel bad about.

BloominNora Sun 26-Jan-14 11:37:56

Cancel and say that you've been puking all night and clearly have a very nasty tummy bug that you wouldn't want to pass on.

Suggest they move their get together to the cheeky mares house!

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:37:56

This is when you grow a backbone and write back, 'sorry, all. DH is just coming back from work trip then. There will be no weekend stay here. We need to find a venue to all attend.' Then they will all be busy.

I would be fizzin' if I were your husband, tbh, that my wife just invited a huge group into our home when I'm coming back from a long trip without even running it by me.

bakingaddict Sun 26-Jan-14 11:38:33

Agree with secretwitch text them saying due to time constraints I have decided to book a table at a local restaurant and give a list of b and b's. If you really have to have them to stay it would be toast and cereal for the kids and then going to your local caff. Deliberately don't have much food in the house. Say gosh i've had such a busy week at work I haven't had a chance to do anything.

Hopefully then they wouldn't suggest this kind of meet-up again

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 11:38:58

Look say its not convenient you don't have the space or facilities. They are extremely rude assuming you will put them up and cater for them all, you are not a hotel. Others saying they won't bring a dish would be the icing on the cake. E mail them saying that you don't have the facilities or room to cater for such a lot of people, look up hotels in the area and put the details in the email, and suggest some nice places to eat that you could go to.

woooooooobooo Sun 26-Jan-14 11:40:38

Just read your last post. How rude. Sound like total freeloaders. If you let this happen you'll have amiserable weekend and totally resent them. Plus your poor dh has been abroad and if anything like mine he'll just want to chill nevermind putting up with a house full of people he doesn't know well whilst watching them eat his food, drink his drink and have his dw skivvying after them.

Please just say no it's too much. If they are real friends they will realise and won't hold it against you.

Branleuse Sun 26-Jan-14 11:40:51

Tell them that you feel like you've been railroaded into this and that they're taking the piss badly.

Nanny0gg Sun 26-Jan-14 11:41:34

Friends?

I don't think so. (bar the one that offered to bring dessert).

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 26-Jan-14 11:42:30

What the actual fuck?! These people are taking the piss. I agree, just tell the truth and say no.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:42:51

They are not friends at all. They are freeloading gits. Cannot imagine going to someone's house not even bring a fucking dish.

Get rid.

ArtexMonkey Sun 26-Jan-14 11:44:43

Fgs just say no.that is too many people to have in one house. You need somewhere like this, between 7 families that's not expensive.

"I can't bring any food I'm doing x first"

"Oh what a shame, let's make it another time --ie never--"

theghostinthewashingmachine Sun 26-Jan-14 11:46:28

Totally agree you should cancel. Just say you've been talking to your DH and as he's getting back from a trip that weekend you can't have people over - would one of them like to host it instead or should you book a table out for lunch?

Either they will go along with it (fine) or they will not speak to you again, which doesn't sound like it would be a major loss.

TyrannosaurusBex Sun 26-Jan-14 11:46:34

Have I got this straight, you initially told them they were welcome to stay and haven't said anything to contradict that? (Sorry if I've missed something.) I used to have terrible difficulty saying no, until I realised that people tend not to mind the 'no' if it's delivered early on, before arrangements are made. This is madly unhelpful at this point, I do see.

I sympathise, things like this have happened to me - I had an unwanted houseguest just this week, although that was DH's fault.

I would use the fact of your husband returning from a trip to cancel. Would he mind being portrayed as an ogre for a good cause?

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 11:46:49

My goodness reading your last post I would bloody cancel, how rude, just because you have a large house does not mean your a hotel and restaurant hmm. Grow a pair op, if you fall out because of this they are obviously not good friends. What a fecking liberty.

Eastpoint Sun 26-Jan-14 11:48:01

We've been to stay in a large group but the hostess has allocated meals to specific guests (eg x bring 3 boxes of cereal, y bring 12 pts milk & 2 ltrs orange juice, z bring bacon & rolls) - if they aren't willing to help & chip in financially they aren't worth having as friends. If they are too broke to pay for a meal out then you can save them fuel/train fares too.

SarahBumBarer Sun 26-Jan-14 11:49:14

You do see how much easier this would have been to just say no in the first place don't you? Your "friends" are cheeky freeloading fuckers (the cheek of refusing to bring a dish - at the very least you pop to M&S and bring decent nibbles/salad etc - but you should have nipped it in the bud at the outset and have only yourself to blame that you have made it 10 times harder now.

FutureNannyOgg Sun 26-Jan-14 11:49:39

Run away!

Having a big house doesn't mean you have the time/inclination to sort out bedding/towels. Or to do the cooking/washing up, or pay for all the food they will eat.

Coming from somewhere else is no excuse not to bring food, you come via the supermarket and bring a roast chicken, readymade dessert, chips and dips, drinks.....

They are royally taking the piss. Your family comes first, you don't have the time to put in the work. How about you go to the gobby one's house instead?

Stop thinking of yourself as being rude to put a stop to this.

They're incredibly selfish sounding.

Think of that relief you'll feel when you've cancelled it, not to mention the pat on the back you can give yourself.

Go on, send the text now.

Goodgodmissmoll Sun 26-Jan-14 11:50:39

I wasn't going to comment on this but I couldn't seem to let it go. First, this is your house, your life and if you don't want them invading, just say so. Tell them it's not convenient and it's better to meet up at a resturant. It's not easy catering for that amount of people unless you really want, and you don't. Just say sorry, I am not going to be able to do this. Do what you are comfortable with. Goodluck!

ScrabbleBabble Sun 26-Jan-14 11:51:55

I know people like you OP and youre not easu, difficult .to navigate when offers are genuine or youre just being nice. It's not easy and people are not always taking you for granted.

I think it's too.late to cancel, and find an alternative house. I imagine it wasnt easy getting a date to suit you all?

I think the one thing you can do is lessen the cost - send out a quick email and say its not cheap feeding 13 people, can everyone please chip in £5 per head.

Do brunch rather than breakfast and lunch, have some snacks if anyone is peckish and just do an easy dinner.

It'll be hard work but you will enjoy it. Periodically during the day just stand up and announce someone has to do the washing up.

Thetallesttower Sun 26-Jan-14 11:53:23

It's very important you say 'no, I just can't do next weekend at our house' now. That gives everyone a week to sort out something else and not book train tickets. If you leave it any longer, then yes, people will be pissed off, because they will have started paying out for this expected weekend.

I completely agree you should say 'no, I'm sorry, this is just too many people and doesn't fit in with our plans for next weekend. I'd love to see you all, how about a meal at XYZ'

I also think they are not such good friends as none of them gives a monkey's about you and your stress, so if it does all go wrong and they get uppity (very likely) then you have not lost much.

Real friends wouldn't put a friend in this situation.

But get on with telling them, if you let it drag into next week then they will be far more annoyed- at the moment, you are just letting them know their plan of a few minutes isn't ok, if you leave it and they start paying out, they will be crosser.

3bunnies Sun 26-Jan-14 11:54:59

Could your dh's trip be unexpected hence the reason to change plans? Suggest 'either going for lunch or maybe bitch friend could host'.

Shlurpbop Sun 26-Jan-14 11:55:16

I agree that you need to say something NOW to avoid becoming the bad guy once everyone else has made travel arrangements etc.
And learn from it...don't agree to things you don't want to do. You're an adult! Just say no!

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:55:39

It's YOUR house! It is NEVER 'too late' to say NO!

FFS, use your DH coming back if you are so spineless you need an excuse.

People like this, they won't bring food or drink.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 11:57:04

The bad guy? The bad guys are rude fucks who use others for a free weekend. A week is plenty of notice.

Wuxiapian Sun 26-Jan-14 11:57:46

Fake an illness that's contagious.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 11:59:20

I hear those of you who are saying I should never have agreed in the first place. I guess at the time, I didn't want to be rude and couldn't bring myself to say no. Then the and starting spiralling out of control and that's when I realised this was turning into something bigger than what I could handle.

I should have spoken up earlier though, I know.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 12:00:10

Speak up now! Your poor husband. What does he think?

Nanny0gg Sun 26-Jan-14 12:01:56

It isn't too late to say No now!

What's to lose? They're not friends. Really they're not.

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 12:02:22

But you didn't, don't blame yourself for that. Deal with it now, it is their fault for being greedy freeloaders. And do it now before that poor lady starts work on the desserts. Canceling at the last minute would be out of order.

ineedanexcuse Sun 26-Jan-14 12:03:13

On reading the OP it sounds as if the friends are trying to recreate student days -Lets all go THIS weekend! as if partners and children didnt exist.
I suspect you might have coped okay if this were the case -just a group of students with no expectations of food/beds/entertainment etc but really this train is running out of control.

Get in touch with them and tell them that the weekend is cancelled. They are taking no notice of your own feelings re the weekend and ,wilfully or not ,are simply not picking up your sideways references to what should stop them. [Your DH is returning that same day? Well he will join in wont he?]

You dont love them and have no need to have them in your life. Let them have a weekend at someone elses house and expense.

BloominNora Sun 26-Jan-14 12:03:42

You can't change agreeing in the first place. You can cancel now. Even if you need to lie about it.

Either cancel it or suck it up and make the best of it - whining about it isn't going to change anything!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 12:04:07

So, the awkward one was still going on about how great my house is so I wrote that hers is also great and that maybe we should all sleepover there before coming to mine on Sunday. She said we were all welcome but that mine was a much better venue and that she's a rubbish cook compared to me. I gave her a taste of her own medicine and insisted she was a marvellous cook with a great house. I also added that going there on Saturday and mine on Sunday would give my DH some time to get over his jet lag before they all came over.

Will see what happens....

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 26-Jan-14 12:06:24

'Hi Guys. Unfortunately something has come up and I can't host a mahoosive weekend. We can go to X-pub and I'll post some local B&B links under here. Hoping to catch you at X-pub on Saturday night. Diet.'
>B&B post 1
>B&B post 2
>B&B post 3

Thumbwitch Sun 26-Jan-14 12:06:50

If you can't back out now on your own account then blame DH. Say he's having a hell of a time at work, and needs quiet at the weekend to recover so you're TERRIBLY sorry, here's a list of B&Bs if they really want to stay, but you just can't accommodate them because your DH needs his quiet.

Re. the cooking - well I think they're taking the piss there too - and I'd probably be thinking about pizza, from the local takeaway or frozen from Iceland/Tesco/similar. Pizza for that many should work ok, you can cut each one into quite small pieces, cook 2 or 3 at a time, everyone gets a small slice and then repeat. tbgrin

I think it's pretty bad that they just railroaded you into hosting - were you very compliant at college as well?

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 12:06:52

Good on you, need to be assertive and stop being a walkover. Start today and let it carry you through

Thetallesttower Sun 26-Jan-14 12:07:01

I don't get all this game-playing, these people are clearly not your friends, as a true friend you could just say 'do you now what, I've bitten off more than I can chew, I can't put you all up but I'd love to see you all on Sun'.

Why bother with the false passive aggressive compliments- why not just decide what you can offer and offer it!

Otherwise I think you are giving very mixed messages to them- and they may not be doing this maliciously, given you said it was fine.

MmeMorrible Sun 26-Jan-14 12:07:25

OP why not be honest with them? Message the group and tell them that when you agreed to host the weekend you expected them all to pitch in and help. So far you have just one offer to bring a dessert and its now it's become very clear that the large group of adults and children are all expecting to stay in your home all weekend. That isn't going to possible because your DP is returning home from a business trip a will need some peace and quiet to recover. Pull on their consciences and say that as you are all such long standing friends you know that they will understand that this has been really hard for you say, but that now you can all plan an alternative get together that is more balanced in terms of finance and effort.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 12:07:52

My DH sympathises with me. He knows I don't really love them that much but also understands that it would cause a lot of problems if I cancelled outright. I told him I'd make him returning home the excuse and he said that I shouldn't worry about him, he'd be fine with them coming over. I haven't expressed to him how much I don't want them to come anymore though. I'll speak to him when he calls tonight.

kungfupannda Sun 26-Jan-14 12:08:20

I think you need to be honest. Just tell them that it's clear that this is going to turn into a much bigger weekend than you can handle in your house, particularly since your DH has been away for a long trip and is going to want some time to wind down, and since people have plans that mean that they can't help out with the catering.

Ask for suggestions about what else you could all do for a reunion. It would be a bit difficult for people to then insist that no, they're all coming to yours.

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 12:08:31

If she disagrees just say I am sorry it's not convenient, use others excuses on here and don't let tat situation happen again!

puffinnuffin Sun 26-Jan-14 12:09:57

I would be honest and say you are looking forward to seeing them but can only do this if everyone chips in and helps, if they don't you won't be able to host.
The people who say they are visiting somewhere else could be bring breakfast stuff such as a few packets of croissants, jam, breakfast cereals which don't go off. Anyone who doesn't bring in anything thing will have to do the washing up and tidying. If they are friends they will understand.

Is it possible for them just to come for the day though?

SarahBumBarer Sun 26-Jan-14 12:10:32

The only problem with that is that if she has more balls than you and says no, you may have lost your chance to use DH as an excuse for cancelling altogether. I like MmeM's suggestion btw. I would do this because it is entirely reasonable - and they're not a group I would be devastated to lose.

OP, be prepared for that cheeky cow to bat it straight back into your court.

If she declines the use of her house that's the point at which you think 'bugger this' and call it off.

Were you always the friend atuniversity who did all of the legwork and made all of the effort?

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 12:13:00

What problems would cancelling cause if you don't like them very much? I am starting to get hmm because I am wondering if you actually want sympathy rather than to sort it out. No sympathy from me I would just tell them where to get off, pure and simple.

What problems would you incur if you cancel?

Thetallesttower Sun 26-Jan-14 12:13:54

I wouldn't wait to speak with him- you are all discussing what to do now, so why not just tell them Sat night at yours is off but you would love to meet up Sun?

Op, you seem to be hoping your husband will be the bad guy for you, but it's up to you given you say yes. Just be clear. I think you are likely to annoy people much more by dithering, sending ambiguous messages and letting them know too late if they have booked tickets.

CalamityKate Sun 26-Jan-14 12:14:55

"Sorry all - been chatting to DH and he's pointed out how mad I was to think that we could cater for so many people! Loaves and fishes were mentioned lol! Anyway shall we take a vote on a) Booking somewhere for dinner for all of us and organising a b+b for those that want to stay, b) Organising everyone chipping in and bringing a dish so I can enjoy catching up with you all instead of rushing round like a madperson or c) Any other ideas welcome?"

Rissolesfortea Sun 26-Jan-14 12:14:58

They have all got incredible cheek expecting you to put them all up and feed them several meals when they are putting in no effort at all for the weekend. But to then expect to bring DP's and DC too is beyond belief! shock

Just say NO!

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sun 26-Jan-14 12:15:39

D and V = diarrhoea and vomiting, i.e. terribly sorry, children infectious, don't want to pass it on, go somewhere else without me.

Thetallesttower Sun 26-Jan-14 12:17:55

D and V doesn't solve the problem, because it would have to be at the last minute. I would be extremely annoyed if someone fake cancelled at the last minute when they could have just been honest the week before. They will know it's a fake cancel because the Op is trying to get out of it already.

BrianTheMole Sun 26-Jan-14 12:18:44

Local hotel for that amount of people. Tell them it will be too much with dh coming home, and check availability / prices of hotel / b and b.

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:21:09

Agree with brettgirl

Yes your friends are cheeky fukkaz and no mistake, but you put yourself in the wrong the minute you said yes and you get further and further into the wrong with every minute you delay cancelling.

I have sympathy with you insofar as having got this far without cancelling you really will look like the bad guy if you pull out now, so my inclination would be to suck it up this once and then get some bloody ovaries and don't get ambushed into doing something you don't want to do EVER AGAIN. You really do have only yourself to blame.

manticlimactic Sun 26-Jan-14 12:22:33

Just tell them you may be a good cook but you can't cook for so many people. They either need to bring something or you'll get a take away.

helenthemadex Sun 26-Jan-14 12:24:17

OP why not be honest with them? Message the group and tell them that when you agreed to host the weekend you expected them all to pitch in and help. So far you have just one offer to bring a dessert and its now it's become very clear that the large group of adults and children are all expecting to stay in your home all weekend. That isn't going to possible because your DP is returning home from a business trip a will need some peace and quiet to recover. Pull on their consciences and say that as you are all such long standing friends you know that they will understand that this has been really hard for you say, but that now you can all plan an alternative get together that is more balanced in terms of finance and effort

this is perfect!! it is hard work being anything other than honest, if they dont accept what you are saying then they are not worth the trouble and stress

Bunbaker Sun 26-Jan-14 12:24:19

"OP why not be honest with them? Message the group and tell them that when you agreed to host the weekend you expected them all to pitch in and help. So far you have just one offer to bring a dessert and its now it's become very clear that the large group of adults and children are all expecting to stay in your home all weekend. That isn't going to possible because your DP is returning home from a business trip a will need some peace and quiet to recover. Pull on their consciences and say that as you are all such long standing friends you know that they will understand that this has been really hard for you say, but that now you can all plan an alternative get together that is more balanced in terms of finance and effort."

You just say ^^ this. End of.

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:24:41

They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse

Be honest OP, isn't this one of the most ridiculous things you've ever read?

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:25:34

Helen...YES!!!!!!!!

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis Sun 26-Jan-14 12:26:16

I like calamity Kate's suggestion as it looks like this will happen. Hu not just cereal for breakfast too?

"Anyway, in the last 5 mins they've all decide amongst themselves that they're staying over. The awkward friend has also told everyone not to worry because 'TheDiet has a lovely big six bedroomed posh house and is the best cook ever.' She added that she can't wait to eat all the lovely different things I'm going to cook."

OK, I know you say that you don't want to be rude and you agreed to it (albeit reluctantly) in the first place, but enough is enough! Luckily, your gobby friend has just handed you an absolute gift of a Get Out Of Jail Free card by pushing it waaaay too far grin.

Might I suggest the following post from you to follow hers?

Whoah there, people smile ! Since when was I running a hotel? And not even a hotel, as people pay for them? You seriously expect me to be able to host and feed six friends, x husbands and 7 children without any input from said friends? What am I, Wonderwoman? Very flattering guys, but really, really not possible. If this is going to happen it's going to be my house, my rules wink, OK? We'll have none of this I-can't-bring-any-food-crap, right? A, you're bringing desserts. B your bringing a starter. c and D, your task is lunches. E can bring the side dishes and F(gobby friend) you can provide the main for dinner. All of you can bring wines and beers, whatever amounts you think your family will need. I will provide breakfasts and snacks and of course a bed for the night. And since I will be landed with all that laundry when you leave, I expect no shirkers in the kitchen putting the meals together or doing the clearing and washing up. Capiche grin? Like I said; my house, my rules! I love you guys, but, sheesh - you really need reined in sometimes!

How does that sound, OP?

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:27:45

Sorry it wasn't Helen who said that...she was quoting, as was Bunbaker Cannot instantly find the original, but whoever said it, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to Helen and Bunbaker for agreeing with it!

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis Sun 26-Jan-14 12:28:23

Why, not 'hu'

SparklingMuppet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:29:47

You have got to deal with this quick smart. I know it's uncomfortable if you habitually avoid confrontation, but it is necessary. Message them and say I think I've bitten of more than I can chew, there's no way you can all stay over night, here is a list of bnb's, also the only way I will do the catering is if people help out so here is what I need each couple to bring (and list it). Please let me know you can all age this otherwise the weekend is off.

You have to put a stop to this now and stop pussy footing around.

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 12:30:21

Whereyouleftit excellent also, trouble is, it doesn't sound too much like somethingDiet would say, does it? And it also doesn't sound too much like they would agree!

ScentedScandal Sun 26-Jan-14 12:33:31

You have been railroaded. Time to start saying no and stick to your guns. Offer up whatever alternative fits round what you can manage, even if it means suggesting another venue like a hotel and if it'll be another date then so be it. If they get funny or shirty then are they honestly such a loss? Anyone can see that's an enormous expectation for one person to host. I think they're looking for a nice freebie here tbh.

birdybear Sun 26-Jan-14 12:34:25

That note sounds perfect, and if they don't get it. Cancel it!

eagerbeagle Sun 26-Jan-14 12:35:27

OP Woman up and tell them no. Really, what's the worst that c

brettgirl2 Sun 26-Jan-14 12:36:37

or you could link them to this thread? grin

or charge them 200 a night per couple, spend it on a luxury chill out weekend. There may well be another thread 'Am I Being unreasonable to think 200 quid a night is a bit much? ' before too long.

eagerbeagle Sun 26-Jan-14 12:36:50

Pressed too soon

What's the worst that could happen? They moan about losing a free weekend away. Well boo hoo. If they are proper friends they'll understand and if they're not, well no loss to you.

antimatter Sun 26-Jan-14 12:37:13

I think I would die of exhaustion if I had to host so many families in my home.
Only fair to say to everyone - sorry guys but I am not up to it. I am too tired as it is.
Aplogies, let's arrange another get together.

Nanny0gg Sun 26-Jan-14 12:40:11

WhereYouLeftIt

Brilliant!

But the OP won't do it, will you OP?

So, easier to just say NO!!

antimatter Sun 26-Jan-14 12:40:43

WhereYouLeftIt - perfect reply!

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 12:40:56

Good idea bun baker, be honest and use some of te suggestions here, especially bunbakers

ScentedScandal Sun 26-Jan-14 12:43:20

Hmm..Sounds to me like 'awkward friend' is ever so slightly envious of you Diet and is gleefully angling a way to dump this onto you. 'TheDiet has a lovely big six bedroomed posh house and is the best cook ever.'

Bunbaker Sun 26-Jan-14 12:44:26

"Good idea bun baker, be honest and use some of te suggestions here, especially bun bakers"

I can't claim the credit for this. I was quoting someone else. I still think that is the best suggestion.

rubyflipper Sun 26-Jan-14 12:45:41

Please - just contact them on whatsapp - and say that you can't do it.

You don't even need to speak to them direct.

If you don't cancel now, you will have to go through with the weekend.

You've been handed a ready-made excuse on a plate as your husband is returning from a work trip and will be knackered - so use it right now

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 12:48:21

Exactly,the earlier te better. Time for tem to organise hotels, BB, and rework their plans.

pigletmania Sun 26-Jan-14 12:49:53

I think bunbakers suggestion is te more realistic. If you don't cancel now, you have only yourself to blame ater on

I think I'd arrange to meet for meal near yours (say Friday night) have everyone over for the night (if you have the space ?!) host a nice breakfast/brunch, go for a local visit and send them home from there ?
Just scale down plans, use restaurant for main meal, and keep it short and sweet. Still generous to have everyone to stay, and maybe they as well as you will appreciate some time to themselves/ to get ready for the coming week/ get kids homework done, on the Sunday ?

cat88 Sun 26-Jan-14 12:53:53

Where you left it - perfect reply.

It does sound like gobby friend is orchestrating a free weekend at your hotel home at your expense.

If you can't do where you left it's suggestion, even putting it into your own words then is there one of thegroup (maybe the one who offered to bring dessert) you could talk to one to one to explain your view and help get the others to see your viewpoint?

I'd be tempted to speak to them individually get them to offer much more help and less effort for you.

I would also rethink the sleeping arrangements, if you are need to, perhaps those that are less willing to help would be ok camping in the garden??

Bunbaker Sun 26-Jan-14 12:54:18

It was MmeMorrible's idea, not mine grin

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 26-Jan-14 12:58:05

Thanks all of you, your posts really helped me to put this into perspective. I decided that if I can't stand them being here before they get here, it'll be a hundred times worse when they do get here and it would be an injustice to fake it and put on a brave face when yet do arrive or to cancel at the last minute.

I've grabbed the Get out of Jail Free card with two hands and told the awkward friend that I'd love her to take us all in on Saturday night and that I'm looking forward to relaxing at hers (just copying what she said about coming to mine) and tasting all her lovely food. I told them I'll still do a meal for them at mine on Sunday because really, I actually don't mind doing just one dinner for them all because I DO like to cook. Just thinking about that feels like something I'm looking forward to rather than dreading. There's no answer from the rest yet but if there are objections from them then it will just confirm they are a bunch of freeloaders and I'll tell them straight.

Some of you mentioned that I should use my DH coming back home as a reason why they couldn't come. I had already tried a different version of that but it didn't really work. I had asked them to come on Sunday instead of staying over the whole weekend but because one of them is coming from afar and making a 500mile round trip it's not practical for her.
She's actually the nicest one of the lot so when she asked for hotel suggestions I suggested that I'd make space for her only. The rest just decided amongst themselves after that that they'd stay too.

BlackDaisies Sun 26-Jan-14 13:03:34

Just be short and sweet. "Look, really sorry, have been thinking this over and just do not have the time to organise so many people staying, and the house just isn't up to it at the moment.. work to do on it etc. I should have said no at the time but I think everyone got carried away! Would still love to see everyone though, how about ..... restaurant..... and .....b and b..... for anyone staying over. Unless any of you are happy for us all to stay at yours." You could even passive aggressive mention rude friend at the end and say "seriously x ,I know you're worried about your cooking but none of us would bat an eyelid if you're up to hosting us all instead?"

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 26-Jan-14 13:04:15

The point here is that you have a lovely 6 bed home, not a 6 bedroom hotel....

BlackDaisies Sun 26-Jan-14 13:05:14

Cross post! Good for you! Stick to your guns!

I'm sure lunch at yours will be lovely - I wish I was coming!
So do you have a friend nearby who is hosting Saturday evening? if so, that sounds better.

sallysoubriquet Sun 26-Jan-14 13:12:38

Good for you Diet!!

It sounds as if you've found middle ground that suits you.

That's good but be aware for the next time and be prepared.

Hope all goes well.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 26-Jan-14 13:50:52

Easy say you have an infestation of mice & have treatment pellets all over so not safe for kids to be around.

If you say you have D & V then they will rearrange for another weekend but nobody will want to come if you have mice.wink

RenterNomad Sun 26-Jan-14 14:03:24

If you need a backstop position, what about a waspish: "Nice of you all to organise this amongst yourselves, without involvement from me or my family! To be quite honest, the more overexcited you all get, the more my heart sinks. Can we take the expectations down a few pegs?"

Saminthemiddle Sun 26-Jan-14 14:24:25

Judging by their reaction when you asked if they could contribute a dish, they seem to all be absolute pushy freeloaders with no regard to you or your family, let alone the cost and time this will cost you.

I recognize these types as I've had a few in my life, but I now say no or if I have been bullied into it ( like it seems you have) then I make excuses later - I would say in your situation for instance that you have thought about the w.e. and have decided it is too much for you with so many people so you wish to cancel or change the venue saying you can all meet for lunch in a child friendly pub and/ or stay in a b&b but at this time you and your DH have made the decision that it is just not possible.

whatever5 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:55:25

Do they really all expect you to cook for them? It wouldn't cross my mind that the host would be cooking if they were already putting us up for the night.

I would do breakfast but other than that I would let them all know subtly that they will be eating out by asking them what type of food they would prefer for lunch evening meal etc (Indian, Chinese etc). Then book the restaurants.

Pippilangstrompe Sun 26-Jan-14 15:11:42

If awkward friend says no, then say something along the lines of that that is a real shame because the more you considered the weekend, the more you realised it was just too much for you what with everything else you have going on, and that staying at the af's house seemed like the perfect solution so that the weekend could still go ahead much as planned. Then suggest another solution that you would like, including staying in b&bs and eating out.

If they still insist in coming after that, then it is time to get direct and say no, but unless they really are all horrible I bet they won't. Expecting you to cater for so many people for a weekend is really not a reasonable request and I bet that many of them know that. They may have been going along with the plans because they think you are ok with it as you have been saying yes. If they are decent people, they will understand and accept the new plan.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 26-Jan-14 15:13:15

Make sure that you then don't get into the knotty problem of who will pay or evening meals, lunches out - if you don't want to do that, then make sure it's very, very clear that each family will pay for their own 'out of home' meals because your 'group' seems to be quite happy to let you foot the bill for it all.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 15:14:02

'Just to be clear, we cannot have everyone here overnight. It's too much with DH just getting home, so dinner on Sunday it is!'

They hot back with anything other than support, they are pis staking freeloaders.

expatinscotland Sun 26-Jan-14 15:15:02

Very simple. You are doing Sunday dinner. The rest is their own lookout.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 26-Jan-14 15:23:01

For any future meetups, definitely ditch this idea you will be catering to them morning, noon and night. There must be places you could go out to for breakfast - take them there, don't feel obliged to cater. Same for lunch and dinner, or get a takeaway. Definitely be prepared for all this in future.

ZenNudist Sun 26-Jan-14 17:11:07

Why agree in the first place? I'd just say no straight off the bat. It's odd to agree then decline.

However, it's also odd to have a group of 'friends' who invite themselves to stay overnight at your place whilst you cater everything. I don't know anyone this rude. I also don't know anyone rude enough to decline to bring anything to a gathering.

I can see you've been railroaded into this. There is still time for damage control. The suggestion of saying that the children have had diarrhoea & vomiting is an option but a bit last minute. Or saying 'sorry I forgot that weekend won't work for dh due to work commitments (repeat what you say about him not wanting to get home from a week away to houseful of guests).' Or just saying look this is out of hand. I've now done x number of entertaining everyone and its all getting too much for me in top of full time work, dh away all week so doing all childcare. Tell them someone needs to take a turn or find a plan that doesn't pressure one individual to entertain everyone else.

If you still want to maintain contact then you could then suggest alternative plan. Suggest reducing numbers to just uni people, partners stay at home with dc. Suggest mutually convenient location where you can have a boozy meal out and drinks plus stay in hotels to catch up. If everyone wants to do partners & dc then find a good activity (difficult if children are different ages) and do that by day with tea time meal & everyone make their own plans after that.

Be honest rather than agreeing to be a doormat then resenting it. Otherwise you only have yourself to blame. Take control!

bodygoingsouth Sun 26-Jan-14 17:20:27

oh good grief, absolutely no way. just cancel due to Diaghilev and horrendous vomiting and then let someone else sort out the next meet up.

if your not that bothered seeing them then just take a back seat.

I killed off my old auntie once to stop a dinner party and my dm had a mini stroke to stop going to a New Year's Eve party. grin

you need to lie and lie op.

Cheeky bastards, those refusing to bring anything. On your way somewhere else? Fine, just bring a couple of bottles of wine and a treat made desert / Starter / some packets of bacon and bread. Freeloading cheeky cunts.

Time for a cards on the table chat along the lines of 'when I offered my house for the reunion I'd presumed we'd all muck in for the food. I simply don't have the time or finances to cater for you all for the whole weekend, nor the room to put up 6 families. I'll book a table for a family lunch at X pub. If you want to make a weekend of it here are some numbers for nearby b and B's and we need to agree who is bringing what for dinner'

CoffeeTea103 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:44:08

I think you were ridiculous in the first place to go along with this. Who actually just says yes immediately to such a big ask without even having a think about it.

That's a bit harsh coffee. Have you honestly never been in the situation where you've got a bit carried away with other people's excitement? Coupled with a couple of glasses of wine in the tank?

Regardless they are piss takers as made obvious by their refusal to bring anything. Time to state your conditions or cancel

bodygoingsouth Sun 26-Jan-14 18:52:26

you must have some old relatives you can kill off op? just make one up!

phantomnamechanger Sun 26-Jan-14 19:07:59

I can't wait for the AIBU from one of the "friends" - are you absolutely sure, OP, that none of them are on here......because there can't be many people in your shoes right now!

ravenAK Sun 26-Jan-14 19:17:59

Is it possible that prime mover/bitch friend really, really DOESN'T like you & is finding all this hugely amusing?!

Just I have a 'friend' from Uni days who, I am uncomfortably aware, has never forgiven me for a bloke-related incident 20 years ago. Both of us put a game face on it for the sake of the rest of our friendship group, but I'd hate to be roped to her if we ever went potholing, put it that way! grin.

The pushiness does seem a bit OTT unless she's actually enjoying watching you squirm. Apologies if this is totally off the mark!

winkywinkola Sun 26-Jan-14 19:21:14

God they sound dreadful!

kerala Sun 26-Jan-14 19:40:28

We had similar reunion last weekend but had to pay for accommodation. 6 families accomm and food for weekend equals £350 per family. You are subbing them for an eye watering amount.

cat88 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:08:03

Have you heard anything back from the gobby friend then op?

Thumbwitch Mon 27-Jan-14 00:20:55

I hope it works out for you Diet - what I mean is I hope that gobby friend doesn't tell everyone else just to turn up to yours after all. Have you emailed them all? I would email them all again just to be clear that Hotel Diet is not an option on the Saturday, but Restaurant Diet will be open for business on Sunday lunchtime; and the Hotel Gobby is the new venue for Saturday night/Sunday morning. tbgrin

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 27-Jan-14 00:34:41

Lurks.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Mon 27-Jan-14 01:11:49

They've all gone quiet now. I decided not to say anything else until someone does so I'm holding off for the time being. The last messages on the whatsapp group were the ones exchanged between awkward/gobby friend and me where I suggested we go to hers and her making excuses. I'm going to leave it at that and see how things progress. If everyone just leaves it till the last minute I'll just say 'I thought we were now going to Awkward one's house.'

Coffee the reason I initially agreed was because it didn't start off as such a big plan. I thought they'd come for dinner and that would be it. It was only afterwards that if began snowballing into a weekend stay with kids and few partners too. And they only starting making jokey references to what they expected from me afterwards. Initially, one if them had mentioned coming to mine for dinner and then all of them going out for desserts. Then another friend said 'no, no, TheDiet will do desserts for us because her desserts are just awesome!' Things kept building up until I realised it was going to be a lot of hard work. It was only when they started to show reluctance to chip in that I started feeling resentful. Initially, it didn't seem so bad.

raven, Gobby friend has alway been one of my least liked 'friends'. Some years ago we were close until I realised her friendship was not something that brought me any joy or benefit in my life. In fact, it was making me bitter. I cooled the friendship but I know it's always been upsetting for her. She's always shown eagerness to build a close relationship again but I can't deal with many of her issues so haven't really given her the chance.

Aussiemum78 Mon 27-Jan-14 02:08:48

Do they all live close except for the "nicer" friend?

I'd offer to host the out of town friend but say you don't have enough beds for all. Just call out the brash one and say I can't sleep that many people brash. Do one meal. Organise breakfast out the next morning.

I like entertaining but I can't handle lots of people for more than half a day.

Do you think nice friend knows how rude the others are? Maybe a private chat with her?

Onesie Mon 27-Jan-14 04:55:32

I know there's been a lot if water under the bridge but is it worth splitting the food so that you all provide a course of food

Catsize Mon 27-Jan-14 06:34:49

The husband/imaginary dead relative excuses will just lead to postponement, not cancellation.
Interested to see how this develops. Sounds like a warped version of the film Peter's Friends.
What did you all study by the way?

The problem with that approach is that you'll look like a twat as it's very easy to look through all the messages and see that awkward didn't agree to have it at hers. And rather than being totally reasonable for not wanting the piss taken out of you you'll look like the unreasonable awkward one yourself ruining everyone's weekend at short notice.

Do that of you want. Imho far easier to be honest with them about what you're up for and what you're not. I'd understanding you not wanting to have this conversation in person with a big group. But it's one message. Send it, then you can put it behind you and not spend the week worrying about it.

Pippilangstrompe Mon 27-Jan-14 08:03:19

I wouldn't wait until someone says something now. I'd send another message with the new plan on it, just to make it clear to everyone. If you say nothing, I think you could risk no reply until right before the event, everyone saying that the didn't realise the plans had changed and then you are stuck with it.

nauticant Mon 27-Jan-14 08:18:41

Your approach is fine OP. So long as you keep in your mind that there's an absolute limit to the extent of hosting you're willing to provide, an approach of softly softly rather than HULK SMASH can also work.

sallysoubriquet Mon 27-Jan-14 08:28:11

I absolutely agree with Pippi and Dinosaur

Doing what you now plan to do really will be seen as awkward and aggressive even though I absolutely understand that's not your intention.

I'm going to leave it at that and see how things progress

It's this kind of in-action that got you railroaded in the first place. I really think you need to be honest and upfront now so there is no room for doubt, because let's face it, by being nice and submissive, you have contributed to the doubt.

poopadoop Mon 27-Jan-14 08:39:06

no no don't lie and lie - just write to them all and say that on reflection, you're sorry but it has all got a bit out of hand in terms of what you're able for, and you now won't be able to have everyone stay at your house. Simples. And suggest alternatives. I wouldn't drag in the difficult one or any of that, waaaay too complicated.. Someone else said it best upthread:
"I should have said no at the time but I think everyone got carried away! Would still love to see everyone though, how about ..... restaurant..... and .....b and b..... for anyone staying over."

pigletmania Mon 27-Jan-14 08:40:13

I would contact them by e mail, phone again of the revised plans so they knw. Be honest, the message that the rude friend sent would be obvious to others that it's her tats putting this onto op due to her large house, great cooking. I don't think the rest would be surprised if you held your hands up and were honest, and to,d them that this is going to be difficult for you, you don't mind hosting Sunday if everybody would like to come to your for lunch, but feel that hosting the whie weekend would be too stressful.

Supercosy Mon 27-Jan-14 08:47:22

Aaaaargh, just wrote a really long response and deleted it! Anyway, please be more upfront. They are taking the piss and there is nothing wrong with you saying so. It doesn't sound as if any of THEM would offer what you have had foisted upon you so why should you feel bad. It started as dinner at yours and has now become a full blown mini break!

I would be completely upfront and straight about it "Hi All, much as I'm keen to see you all this has ballooned from the Saturday night dinner at mine to a massive whole weekend affair.....sort of without much input from me and my family! Sorry but I can't cope with everyone for that length of time and am feeling a bit put upon. Please come for dinner on Sunday if you would still like to if not I will understand"

I don't think it's too late to back out completely if you want to. It's not as if any of them have booked hotels.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 27-Jan-14 09:22:38

Do what supercosy suggests!

pussycatdoll Mon 27-Jan-14 09:41:06

It's too late
Op has ignored all The advice given & gone her own way & invited everyone to someone else's house which The gobby friend will never agree too

cingolimama Mon 27-Jan-14 10:10:19

Really OP, can you not be straightforward with these people? This tactic of "oh I'll just see how things progress" is rubbish and frankly, immature. These friends of yours may be grabby, rude, entitled blah blah blah, but it seems that, at some level, you prefer your victimhood to actually speaking your mind clearly and solving the problem.

I don't wish to be mean, but I find your approach exasperating.

Divinity Mon 27-Jan-14 10:18:10

I agree that you will look the unreasonable one despite that you aren't. Divide and conquer. Phone the nice out of town friend, see what she has to say and offer to put her + her family up only (if that's what you want). Then ring rest and explain you can't put them up but offer the Sunday dinner. Finally message gobby to what is going to happen.

pussycatdoll Mon 27-Jan-14 10:23:27

I don't wish to be mean, but I find your approach exasperating

Totally agree
It's like you're enjoying the drama & gleefully anticipating a big snipe fest with loud friend

So you invited everyone else to someone elses house, the exact approach which got you so annoyed in the first place when someone else did it to you?

Fracking hell, woman. Just say no, or host them. Dont make such a massive drama out of it.

pigletmania Mon 27-Jan-14 12:07:55

Op you only have yourself to blame then! There were loadsof extremely helpful suggestions on here that you could have used as your get out card

whois Mon 27-Jan-14 12:31:08

I agree that OP has now behaved poorly. You could have said no totally, you could have scaled down the event to just lunch, you could have booked a table in a pub somewhere and done no catering.

Instead you've invited everyone to someone else's house, and you're just 'waiting'. You sound as bad as your friends to be honest, you all deserve each other!

nauticant Mon 27-Jan-14 12:34:30

Gosh, the OP is now the villlain!

See, that's what you get OP if you don't do what people tell you to do.

(Hang on though, isn't that what started the problem in the first place?)

Laura0806 Mon 27-Jan-14 12:42:04

I understand why the OP has done what she did. Its a little bit passive aggressive but you've done to 'her' what she did to you presumably to make her see how it feels and put her in a position instead of you. I guess this way you will find otu whether she is freeloading or if she says yes you will know she was a bit more genuine. Either way I think you should say that you don't think one person could manage the whole weekend and its fairer to split it or eat out . be interesting to see how she responds

Supercosy Mon 27-Jan-14 12:55:41

I think your response was completely fair op I just worry that it is a bit wishy washy and that your pushy mate will just ignore your idea along with the others, leaving you in the same position but more resentful than before.

Wuxiapian Mon 27-Jan-14 13:55:19

Sinking rather low out of desperation now, TheDiet.

You need to grow some balls.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Mon 27-Jan-14 15:05:29

Wow, some of you seem really angry. tbhmm

For those who are saying I should have been honest, I was honest from the start. My initial acceptance to have the do at mine was sincere. It was only when it evolved into a weekend with kids and partners and anticipation of me providing lots of meals that I began having doubts. Sure, I didn't express my second thoughts straight away and that was because until I started this thread yesterday, I was still undecided about whether I'd refuse.

Also, for those of you suggesting I'm just as bad because I've done to her what she did to me- If she really thought it was acceptable, she won't have any problem with it, will she? It's fine when I'm ambushed but when I turn the tables then I'm the bad guy am I? hmm

Anyway, I messaged them last night, before I had read any of the comments since yesterday and asked the awkward friend if she was okay to have us all at hers. She made excuses about having to clean up for everyone and not having time etc, so I said that unless anyone else was okay for us to come to theirs, we could stick with the original plan of coming to mine for dinner only and not the evolved plans of staying at mine for the weekend with me catering for them all. I asked them to come for dinner on Sunday and to arrive after 5pm. I added that they were all welcome to contribute by bringing a dish if they wanted to but if not, I'd cook for all.

As far as I'm concerned now, I've made it clear what I will do without being rude about it. I've told them more than once that it's difficult to cater for them all over the weekend but if they still insist on meeting up for that long, I'll opt out and tell them to arrange it amongst themselves at another friends house. Tbh, I won't feel as though I'm missing out at all.

nauticant Mon 27-Jan-14 15:07:51

Are you sure you'll be heard over all the baying OP?

shoom Mon 27-Jan-14 15:31:11

And don't you feel much better now for saying that? Much better than fake reasons, and completely reasonable to put it back to the group. I hope you have a great weekend.

persimmon Mon 27-Jan-14 15:38:31

Sorry, haven't time to read whole thread. I'd do one of 3 things:

Cancel the whole thing with some kind of excuse.

Say that you can only provide a main course and need them to provide starters, veg, pud and wine and tell them they need to book B+Bs.

Book a big table somewhere and make it very plain that your house is not an option for staying over.

Pippilangstrompe Mon 27-Jan-14 15:43:40

Sounds good, OP. Let us know what response you get!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 27-Jan-14 15:46:16

Well done!

eddielizzard Mon 27-Jan-14 15:55:01

very reasonable.

these friends seem really entitled. i'd never impose to that extent and would be so happy to contribute something. very telling that they aren't offering. seems extraordinary.

sallysoubriquet Mon 27-Jan-14 15:55:13

That's the stuff!!

whois Mon 27-Jan-14 16:03:40

Right well that's perfect OP

expatinscotland Mon 27-Jan-14 17:32:14

Well done, you! They were really trying to take the piss, especially the awkward one, sounds like one to drop.

pigletmania Mon 27-Jan-14 17:35:45

Good on you op, you were clear to them, so it's ok fir rude friend to invite everyone to yours so you have to do all the work, but when it comes to her, she couldn't be arsed, non thank you. I would just remain friends with nice friend.

Good for you Diet, not sure what caused some posters upthread to turn on you hmm but you've stood your ground with these piss taking mates and it should work out well for you.

Update when possible?

Supercosy Mon 27-Jan-14 18:21:32

Well done you! The perfect response. Honest and straight forward. Hope they are considerate in their responses to you.

makemineapinot Mon 27-Jan-14 19:44:42

Have you had any responses yet? It's mind boggling how rude some people can be, just expecting you to provide everything for everybody!!!

GingerBlondecat Mon 27-Jan-14 21:35:21

Now you are speaking up and being honest

Well Done flowers

justmyview Mon 27-Jan-14 21:45:09

I think YABU. Sounds like you agreed to host, didn't tell people you had doubts about it, now trying to offload to someone else & expect her to suck it up

Hope you get a good response.

LoveWine Mon 27-Jan-14 21:53:53

Justmyview, the OP agreed to host one dinner, not a full weekend for a bunch of people and their families staying at her house. Why is she being unreasonable for wanting to stick to what she agreed to??

ZenNudist Mon 27-Jan-14 21:56:17

Good for you setting the boundaries if what works for you. Very generous as well. I hope you aren't expected to supply all booze? If you are I would so undercater & sod em if no one brings a bottle.

Cheeky mare. She's got some front expecting you to clean up an host em all but not do it herself. Make pointed remarks to this effect when yousee her.

Also my dsis used to go through my cupboards and nose in my rooms (mh issues). Dh & I got very on it, followed her around & asked her to stop every time she did it. She isn't nearly as bad now.

Sweetishdelight Mon 27-Jan-14 22:00:50

You should not have agreed so YABU. Still, they are all coming now so tell them all to bring stuff - one or two on drinks, on nibbles, on desserts, salads, breakfast food for next day etc. and don't do it again!

ButICantaloupe Mon 27-Jan-14 22:08:05

I think they are being very rude!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 00:38:35

Well, I was hoping my next update would be an 'it all ended well' type of post but despite what I wrote to them last night about sticking to the original plan and them being welcome on Sunday, one friend had messaged the group saying she's coming on Saturday and is asking who else will be coming over. She's said she can't bring anything cooked but that she'll bring some drinks and help me out in the kitchen.

Has she confused Saturday and Sunday? I'd message back saying 'I'm presuming you mean Sunday - drinks and help in the lurched gratefully received thanks!'

If she comes back saying anything to indicate that she is ignoring your message and is planning to come for the weekend it's time to get tough.

Lurched should be kitchen thanks dyac!

Mellowandfruitful Tue 28-Jan-14 00:55:24

OK, you need to reply as soon as you can to say 'You've got the days the wrong way round - it's Sunday I'm hosting, not Saturday. If you come on Saturday I'll be out at X friend's place!' Don't let any potential for (another) misunderstanding drag on, and don't feel you can't correct a mistake.

aquashiv Tue 28-Jan-14 01:19:44

Are you sure this isn't a wind up. I just can't imagine friends being this rude

Catsize Tue 28-Jan-14 05:38:35

OP, can we all come round instead? I do a crackin' cauliflower cheese... grin

GingerBlondecat Tue 28-Jan-14 05:45:47

hang on............ how old are these people. ?

have they still got the College drop in mind set ??

Are they renting ? Own their own homes ??

ChasedByBees Tue 28-Jan-14 05:46:02

'You've got the days the wrong way round - it's Sunday I'm hosting, not Saturday. If you come on Saturday I'll be out at X friend's place!' Don't let any potential for (another) misunderstanding drag on, and don't feel you can't correct a mistake.

Yes this. You need to be really firm and clear that Saturday is off the cards. They are so rude. I think you'll need to be blunt and forthright back. You're already being massively accommodating making food for that many people!

The nerve of someone saying we won't bring deserts because Thediet will make us something awesome - without waiting for you to offer!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 05:55:52

No she isn't confused, she wrote that she's 'staying over' and asked who else is. She's the one who is coming from the furtherest and making a 500 mile round trip so I think she presumes that she's the exception.

I'm a bit more than posses now. I know some of you are saying I should be clear with them but looking back, I think I have been more than once but they're just ignoring it or they're so keen to have this great weekend that they're totally sidelining what I say.

I accepted the request to host once right at the beginning when it was just a dinner and since then it's snowballed into a weekend. I have since told them that my DH is coming home that weekend so it's not ideal. Then I suggested we bring a dish each for one meal instead of expecting me to cook for all. Then I suggested that if everyone really wants to do a weekend instead of just dinner then we stay over at awkward friends house for the night instead of at mine and allow my DH to time to get over jet lag and then when all of that didn't seem to make a difference, I told them that I couldn't host them from Saturday but that they were welcome to come on Sunday for dinner as initially planned. Despite this, I get a message saying 'I'm going from Saturday and staying over, and who else is?'

It's not as though I've told them all I'm not hosting a weekend for them at the last minute- the last message I sent was Sunday night which gives them a week to rearrange at someone else's house.

So now, bearing in mind the above, AIBU to cancel on them completely and say 'look all, really sorry but I don't think I can put you all up for the night and you all obviously want a whole weekend away instead of just the dinner that I originally agreed to, so unless anyone else wants to host, I'm going to have to cancel the reunion at mine and you can make arrangements for somewhere else instead.'

GingerBlondecat Tue 28-Jan-14 06:01:57

YES YES YES Cancel

Say this is NOT what I agreed to in the beginning and either it goes back to a simple Sunday evening dinner, it is Cancelled

GingerBlondecat Tue 28-Jan-14 06:03:20

I wouldn't Apologize either, they are taking the piss.

YANBU you have since made it clear you'd rather do one meal on Sunday, I think they are now trying to railroad you into sticking with the original plan, and I think you should completely cancel, yes.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 06:08:06

aquashiv To be honest, I'm surprised myself. I've decided that after this weekend, I'm going to distance myself from them as much as possible. Actually, I had already been cooling my connections with them for the last couple of years but this has made me realise that I don't actually like any of them that much and life's too short to stay friends with people who I don't really enjoy spending time with.

We got to know each other in uni and we're all mid/late thirties now. I have a bunch of closer and more considerate friends who would see this was unreasonable and who I actually enjoy spending time with.

shock what an entitled bunch of arses!

Don't apologise but definitely cancel.

Then seriously, seriously consider whether you actually want these people in your life.

GingerBlondecat Tue 28-Jan-14 06:10:06

See. They are not true friends anymore.

I would never put my Friend through all this.

FrankieStien Tue 28-Jan-14 06:12:45

Pull the plug on the whole thing. Then distance yourself from these cheeky, entitled fuckers

ChasedByBees Tue 28-Jan-14 06:12:48

That sounds perfect. Cancel it!

ChasedByBees Tue 28-Jan-14 06:18:45

One correction:

'look all, really sorry but I don't think I can not put you all up for the night and you all obviously want a whole weekend away instead of just the dinner that I originally agreed to, so unless anyone else wants to host, I'm going to have to cancel the reunion at mine and you can make arrangements for somewhere else instead.'

They will obviously seize on any thing, so remove the 'I don't think'. Saying "you can make arrangements for somewhere else instead." Does sound like you don't intend to be there, but hey, they made these plans without you!

Cancelling now would not be unreasonable. How've you could also say ' excellent, so you want a list of b and B's or are you already sorted? This making it clear she is not staying with you.

To be fair of course someone travelling for 500 miles isn't going to come on the day for dinner then fuck off are they? That doesn't mean you have to host her but she's obviously going to stay over somewhere.

JapaneseMargaret Tue 28-Jan-14 06:35:22

Pull the plug. You have nothing to lose.

Absolutely cancel the whole thing.

Even long distance but nice friend is taking the piss now!

You don't sound bothered or need this group of friends so sack their grabby arses off.

Please update wink when they pull their sad faces.

AllOverIt Tue 28-Jan-14 06:56:13

Absolutely cancel the weekend.

If they're pissed off, who cares? They're no loss.

birdybear Tue 28-Jan-14 07:10:45

Ridiculous. Let us know what they say!

Roshbegosh Tue 28-Jan-14 07:13:59

You are making a choice OP. If you choose to go ahead with this madness then you should stop moaning. Personally I would choose a nice weekend doing what I want with the family rather than a weekend of seething resentment and martyrdom, but hey, choose whatever you prefer.

eddielizzard Tue 28-Jan-14 07:22:14

yes yes yes cancel. and make no apologies.

'look guys, i can't have you over to stay. i've tried to accommodate you in some way but as you're set on the whole weekend it just doesn't work for me. all best, thediet'

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 07:28:02

Roshbegosh I'm not moaning. I started this thread just because I wanted a second opinion on whether they were being unreasonable or I was and to figure out how to get out of a situation that I found myself in because they had taken advantage of my acceptance to host. In the process of explaining what was going on, I talked about what they had discussed and how I actually felt about them. If you think that's 'moaning' then you were just reading the thread Ina different tone from the one I was writing in.

Sometimes, you just need to see a situation from another's point of view to realise how ridiculous it is.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 28-Jan-14 07:33:50

Was the 500 mile away one the nice one who you were initially going to host even when it was just dinner?

MintyChops Tue 28-Jan-14 07:46:36

I wouldn't cancel but I would put up a message saying "Hey Long Distance Friend, no-one is staying over at my house on Saturday, we are having dinner here on Sunday. Perhaps Gobby Friend could put you up, otherwise try Random B&B"? Then don't get involved in any future reunions.

Pippilangstrompe Tue 28-Jan-14 07:52:22

I would just cancel, tbh. Especially as you don't really want to stay in touch with these people.

littlebluedog12 Tue 28-Jan-14 07:53:35

I think you should call the one who thinks she is staying overnight on sat rather than playing it all out over text messages. Maybe she's got the wrong end of the stick as you originally said she could stay?

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 08:10:35

Op how rude of them, I would cancel the whole thing, like you said they are not close friends and ones you don't mind loosing so you have nothing to loose. They all sound very rude, with a total lack of manners and consideration. You have made yourself clear, they are disrespecting you. They sound like freeloaders!

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 08:13:33

Just cancel, you don't like them, it would be hard to host people I don't actually like tbh

JohnnyUtah Tue 28-Jan-14 08:14:33

But how can the nice 500 mile one just come for Sunday dinner after 5pm? How will she get home?

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 08:18:05

Diet I would use the last paragraph of your tue 05:55 post. Even long distance friend is rude presuming she is staying over and inviting others to stay at your home how cheeky. That would really put my back up!

PotsofGold Tue 28-Jan-14 08:18:15

Far away friend could stay at Chez Gobby for the weekend (along with the bloody rest of them).

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 08:19:27

Hotel/bb, If it's a problem she does not have to attend

pigletmania Tue 28-Jan-14 08:19:55

Exactly pots they can stay with goby friend

sallysoubriquet Tue 28-Jan-14 08:22:19

I know some of you are saying I should be clear with them but looking back, I think I have been more than once but they're just ignoring it or they're so keen to have this great weekend that they're totally sidelining what I say

You are absolutely right and I for one totally underestimated what cheeky wenches your friends are.

So no no no you would NOT be umnreasonable to do as you suggest in your last para Diet and if it weren't for the fact that your DH will just have come home I would suggest you go away yourselves at the weekend!

cake cake cake

expatinscotland Tue 28-Jan-14 08:30:10

CANCEL IT! The entire thing. Exactly as you wrote in your last update. They are being incredibly rude. I'd dump the entire group, tbh. They don't listen to you, just want a free weekend away and you to cater.

Just no. What pisstakers.

Grennie Tue 28-Jan-14 08:30:21

I don't think you can pull out at this stage without it affecting friendships. I think you do need to do it, but change the expectations around food and you cooking.

thegreylady Tue 28-Jan-14 08:32:04

You originally said that most distant friend could stay with you then others leapt on bandwagon. I think you would be ungracious to take back invitation for that one and her family (if any) but stand firm on the rest.
Message that friend personally and explain that it will only be her staying with you. Then host the loveliest meal you can on the Sunday. Relax and enjoy smile

expatinscotland Tue 28-Jan-14 08:35:51

You can do whatever the hell you like. This is YOUR home and life. You owe the, nothing and don't even like them (not hard to see why).

Plenty easy to cancel the whole thing.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 28-Jan-14 08:39:50

I do think long distance friend might have misunderstood - is it worth giving her a call?

nauticant Tue 28-Jan-14 08:42:58

Do what you want OP. If the distant friend, although nice, is operating as a Trojan Horse enabling the rest of them to get into your house without being invited, then you're at liberty to rescind the invitation to her. Sod them going all sulky on you.

In my experience, greater damage is caused in friendships by the reasonable person being forced to do something they don't want in order to keep the peace than the reasonable person standing firm and letting others decide whether they can be flexible enough to not always get their own way.

ssd Tue 28-Jan-14 08:48:53

agree with expat

Pinkspottyegg Tue 28-Jan-14 08:49:31

How hellish. They've taken over without so much as an offering to help. Not friends I'd want to hang on to. Book a pub and tell them DH has the norovirus so they have to stay in a Travel Lodge. Where would they all sleep anyway? If they don't like that they they can eff off.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 28-Jan-14 09:00:15

Gatherings like this are what Centerparcs is for.

Lottapianos Tue 28-Jan-14 09:04:27

The absolute cheek of some people is breathtaking. I would cancel the whole damn thing OP and let them sort themselves out. And then be bery busy and impossible to pin down.....forever. And please ignore the pasting you've had from some on here - standing up to wildly entitled bullies like this lot is not easy when you're not like them. It does get easier with practice though!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-Jan-14 09:10:25

OP, not being unreasonable at all to cancel completely. Just a simple email will do. 'i am no longer able to host dinner. I have already said I can't host from Saturday so you should have made alternative arrangements anyway, please arrange your sunday dinner arrangements as well. Apparantly the far side of fuck does nice sunday lunches. How about you all go there.'

SkinnybitchWannabe Tue 28-Jan-14 09:11:13

Yaddddnbu. Cancel the lot of them then have a lovely weekend with your family.
Im amazed by the balls of some people! Cheeky cheeky feckers.

Headlikeafuckingorange Tue 28-Jan-14 09:17:05

I am staggered by their rudeness and sense of entitlement. If it was me I would want to bloody cancel the whole thing now.

Definitely reply and check if she has got the days mixed up, but if they all continue to ignore you then cancel. It's not so much the long distance friend assuming she is still welcome to stay over, but the fact that she asked who else is as well and completely ignoring what you said!

Quinteszilla Tue 28-Jan-14 09:21:05

Why not just email them and say that you were perfectly happy to host a dinner for 7 people, their partners and children at a stretch, but this has snowballed into a weekend trip, and that you are not happy to host this amount of people for the weekend. You feel you have not been listened to, and have instead been sidelined as the person with no say in events, despite being the assumed host.

Catsize Tue 28-Jan-14 09:23:05

If anyone replies 'yes, I am staying over too', ask them where they are staying, and say something like 'I hope it's not the X hotel, as it is a bit dodge, but you will have seen on Tripadvisor that Y B&B gets good ratings. Happy to help with finding accommodation. I feel a bit bad for nice friend, who may not have clocked your last message, but the others have caused the situation. Might be worth asking 'can I just check who is bringing what please, so I don't buy duplicate dishes'. Still dying to know what you all studied. Not hospitality and catering I guess...
And make sure you are out of the house all Saturday evening!

QueenofallIsee Tue 28-Jan-14 09:35:43

Pull it and don't feel bad for a second...your precious weekend time should be fun not a chore and you have no obligation to these people

shoom Tue 28-Jan-14 10:04:16

Your message about "sticking with the original plan, come for dinner after 5pm on Sunday" was clear. Nice, long-distance friend could have contacted you asking if you could help her find accommodation. Her saying "well I'm still staying overnight, who else is?" reads to me as though she is more keen to spend time with the others than with you, but wants you to facilitate that in your lovely big house. It is deliberate misunderstanding. It seems they have all deliberately rail-roaded you from the beginning.

It looks like the broken record technique is required by you whenever you set boundaries, but the group accept straightaway whenever anyone else says anything. Awkward friend didn't have to say "no" more than once, did she? And why aren't they haranguing her about Saturday night?

As an aside, have the others ever fed or otherwise hosted 20+ people in your group? It's a very unusual situation. Unless you in a royal family, surely any potential guests would offer to bring food, drink, or contribute money. And even check if you want spare plates and cutlery! Hosting 20+ people for dinner is already a massively lovely thing to offer. In your situation I'd want to cancel the whole thing too. Have a relaxing saturday with your DH, rather than spending the weekend shopping and chopping veg.

These are not your friends OP they are people you met.

In future you need to grow a spine and be honest from the start. None of the dissembling, none of the "which story will get me out of this", just the bare, honest truth: "you are absolutely taking the piss, I am not a hotel and I am certainly not bankrolling your big weekend away".

They want you to be mummy OP, to host, to cater, to pay and to clear up afterwards whilst they are cosseted and looked after. Whilst this may be in some small way flattering it is an outrageous presumption and I would have to tell them to fuck off and get over themselves.

Then again, this may be why I don't have as many "friends" as you wink

nauticant Tue 28-Jan-14 10:19:07

In future you need to grow a spine and be honest from the start. None of the dissembling

If you read what the OP wrote, you'll see she was honest from the start:

I accepted the request to host once right at the beginning when it was just a dinner and since then it's snowballed into a weekend

justtoomessy Tue 28-Jan-14 10:39:52

I would just tell them that you are hosting on Sunday and that you a re welcome to have the 500 mile away person to stay but will not be hosting a weekend of guests. However, you are happy to go out on Saturday night to meet up with everyone.

Yes but it snowballed because she was not honest after the initial suggestion. She agreed to the dinner, they then suggested a weekend and she did not say no, so they assumed it was ok. She did not set out her boundaries clearly and now she is having to make up wee stories to try and get out of something others have planned for her to suit themselves.

Being clear about boundaries would have stopped it all weeks ago.

It sounds to me as if these alleged friends need absolute, precise and very clearly stated limits imposed on them and it also sounds as if they are very used to OP putting up a weak objection and then doing what they want anyway. I doubt this is the first time they have done something like this. I would say they have taken advantage of OP, her generosity and her willingness to inconvenience herself for others since they were at Uni.

That's what I mean by honesty. X works for me, Y does not. Not X works for me, Y doesn't really but I don't want to be a pain so I'll say nothing and hope they forget about it, oh shit they haven't, oh I don't want to do it I'll say my kids are sick, my husband is away, there was an earthquake, a fire, a plague of locusts...bugger, there's 25 people at my door: "hey there, who's for tea?"

It doesn't work with determined freeloaders so you have to spine up and learn to say No with determination, even if you have to cancel at the last minute, even if they go for all out "won't someone think of the children?!" drama.

They are not your friends or they wouldn't be using you like this.

They are not your friends or they would bring food and offer help.

They are not your friends or they would listen to you when you say it doesn't suit.

They are not your friends.

nauticant Tue 28-Jan-14 11:10:10

Sorry OP, you've gone back to being the villain again. I can't keep up!

sallysoubriquet Tue 28-Jan-14 11:16:39

Sorry OP, you've gone back to being the villain again. I can't keep up!

I thought that Nauticant based on Littlegrey's post but then I thought, no it's just tough love. grin

Having said that, it really seems to me now that Diet has spelt it out in words of one syllable but her 'friends' appear to be as Littlegrey said, determined freeloaders. Selective deafness is a major symptom

Villain how? Not being able to stand up for yourself does not make you the villain. I'm not sure where you are getting that from.

I may be blunt but it has been fannying about trying not to upset people that has resulted in the whole mess to start with.

There are people out there who will use a persons good nature against them, assuming kindness is weakness and abusing good manners.

I have had years of experience of this. I was always the one going out of my way to drive people home, help people out, lend people money, swap shifts and generally behave in a way that is helpful. Do you know what? It gets you nowhere. People assume they can wipe their feet on you and if, god forbid, you ever turn round and say "no" you are the absolute worst in the world.

For a certain type of freeloading bastard person someone who tries to be nice, genuine and helpful only makes them think "what else can I have?".

I am good at spotting them now grin.

The only way to bounce them back into their box is to be blunt to the power of 1000. You can try and dress it up, all nicely like "that doesn't work for me" but really I have found that ultra blunt is much more effective and stops the inevitable "but what if" round of negotiations.

I don't think the OP is in the wrong at all, but I do think she has backed herself into a corner with a pattern of compliance and she will find history repeating itself until the resentment just explodes all over the carpet.

Sorry if I gave the impression that I though OP was the villain of the piece. I can do tact and subtlety, honestly, but 99 times out of 100 it is just a whole lot more effort for exponentially less effectivity.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 28-Jan-14 11:40:59

You should have replied; Erm, no one else is coming on Saturday' and leave it at that.

TyrannosaurusBex Tue 28-Jan-14 12:03:26

But the OP stated in her, erm, OP "we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house and I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse."

How was that being upfront and honest from the start? OP, you sound like hard work. You state that you have already fallen out and made up with several of these friends, you expect somebody to make a 500 mile trip to come for one meal, you say that the 'friend' you don't like (??) tries to build a better relationship and you rebuff her and you have used passive aggression to try to get out of your commitments.

I had a lot of sympathy at the start, but I'm beginning to think this is a long stealth boast about your 'posh six-bedroomed house' and 'lovely' cooking. I think you should cancel. They are not your friends and you are no kind of a friend to them, that's for sure.

SpottyDottie Tue 28-Jan-14 17:06:12

I would contact them all and say ' I'm sorry I can't do this! There are lots of you, not one has offered to help me prepare or bring food or drink over and the more I think about it, you are all taking the piss!' Or words to that effect.

If you are thinking of distancing yourself from them anyway, why are you worrying about what they think???

Pheasant32 Tue 28-Jan-14 17:24:44

I for one cannot WAIT to see what happens at the weekend! I've never experienced friends like this so I don't really have any advice other than saying that I would be seriously annoyed if a mass of people just decided they were going to descend on me with no real invitation to do so.

OP - I really hope for your sake that it turns out to be as easy as possible for you. It's beginning to seem like you may as well just let them all pile in then lock yourself and DH in your bedroom with a few decent bottles of wine and let them all get on with it smile

poopadoop Tue 28-Jan-14 17:29:28

OP sounds like you've got into a tizz at this latest message - it is just one message, maybe she hasn't seen yours. Just message them all again, and say -

I'm a bit concerned that you may not have seen my message saying I realised that I can't have anyone stay over in my house, but you're all welcome to come for dinner on Sunday. Please let me know if you will or won't be able to come by tomorrow evening so I have an idea of numbers. And if anyone would like to come along a bit early to give me a hand, that would be great. Thanks - and please note again I simply can't have anyone to stay

Thetallesttower Tue 28-Jan-14 17:44:33

I think poopadoops message is spot on, then it's all very clear, you may find only a few come on Sun but this could be nicer anyway.

But do clarify, again.

AllOverIt Tue 28-Jan-14 17:46:46

Any update OP?

I think you'd be better off phoning.

MintyChops Tue 28-Jan-14 18:14:01

Did you respond to 500 Mile Away Friend, OP? Hope you can get them all to understand with minimal hassle/ further upset to you.

Viviennemary Tue 28-Jan-14 18:16:39

Just cancel the whole thing. You have a family emergency. Any reason. Stop them coming. It is causing you stress and you don't want them. It's your house. And next time say no. Personally, I wouldn't go along with a compromise of just providing a meal. But if you want to that's fine.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 28-Jan-14 19:25:32

I can see that it wouldbe a bit much to cater for so many ppl.
But i can't believe anyone, least of all someone with the available space, would expect a friend to make 500 mile round trip for one meal.
What are you cooking for them? Swans in unicorn gravy?

Balaboosta Tue 28-Jan-14 20:36:56

they had taken advantage of my acceptance to host

Meaning you seemed to have invited them and they said they'd come. I'll bear this in mind next time I accept someone's invitation...

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 28-Jan-14 21:00:27

I agree with some of the others that you should just cancel. Fake illness or whatever. I can see that you feel backed into a corner. It doesn't seem worth the stress.
but maybe try to not make future disingenuous offers to "friends" in order to avoid a similar debacle.

poopadoop Tue 28-Jan-14 21:05:00

Don't fake, and don't cancel, just admit you made a mistake and got carried away. And then don't seethe and vent, just take responsibility for not getting into a situation like this again! I think it all sounds crazy, but also that you sort of offered/accepted, so just be strong, and stick to what you're able for

TheRealAmandaClarke, OP had posted (Sun 26-Jan-14 12:58:05) that she had offered to put up the friend with the 500 mile round trip - "She's actually the nicest one of the lot so when she asked for hotel suggestions I suggested that I'd make space for her only. The rest just decided amongst themselves after that that they'd stay too."

Balaboosta, OP was railroaded into accepted hosting dinner. Her 'friends' then decided, without the OP inviting them to do so, that they were staying at her house for the weekend. That is taking advantage. Presumably when you accept an invitation to dinner, you don't expect to stay over the whole weekend?

poopadoop, the OP was not the one who got "carried away" ; that was her gobby friend who sounds as if she delights in dropping OP right in it and the rest of this freeloading group.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:20:32

Littlegreyauditor I admit, I agreed to have them over but then changed my mind when the plans changed. Maybe I should have spoken up earlier but it was all wishy washy on the chat. There was a lot of ;shall we, shan't we, are you going, I'll go if you go' type of thing and I thought I wouldn't have to refuse if they just decided not to come. I have learnt though that these people need it spelling out and with the benefit of hindsight it's all to easy to say I was wrong. But as I said, now I know.

Tyrannasarus You sound like one of my so-called, soon-to-be-ex friends? Are you sure you're not one of them? Where did I write that I expect her to make a 500 mile round trip to come for dinner? She wants to come; I'm just offering her a place to stay. And if you really think I'm boasting then I have nothing more to say to you. I may cook and have a big house, but I've worked bloody well hard to earn it and still do. Don't worry too much, although she described it as 'posh' there's absolutely nothing posh about it. My walls a grubby with children's fingerprints and it's all ikea and ebay. So, please, do put that green monster to rest for the day.

Pinkspottyegg Tue 28-Jan-14 22:21:31

Give the OP a break. She has got herself into a situation and is looking for best way out. I don't think she's in anyway boasting about her big house or fancy cooking. It was her 'friend' who initially made those comments to justify why they all would land on her doorstep for the weekend

winkywinkola Tue 28-Jan-14 22:22:45

Sounds like you're all forensics discussing a crime scene!

nilbyname Tue 28-Jan-14 22:28:33

Sorry, shameless place marking.

It's not too late OP, you can still say no as long as you make sure they understand that no is being said and meant wink

WhoDat Tue 28-Jan-14 22:33:35

thediet stop worrying about the two or three posters who are snarking for the sake of it, send the cancellation text and get back on here with the responses grin Dollars to donuts it'll be radio silence whilst they all have a right good bitch about you behind your back. You're well shot!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:33:43

Anyway, update for today:

After last nights messages where I told them I was happy to stick with the original plan and host dinner only I messaged again clarifying that I couldn't do Saturday and that they were to decide if they were coming to mine for one meal or if they would rather have a weekend at someone else's house. I then put the phone away whilst I was at work.

I checked my whatsapp messages again briefly after work and they were still talking about the same thing but this time asking me if my DH would mind having everyone over. I was exasperated at this point and reminded them that I had already told them that Saturday was not convenient. I said I had mentioned it more than once and that they should just scroll up and read what I had written previously instead of asking me the same things over and over again today in the hope that I would change my mind.

I asked someone else to come forward and offer their house and two of them did. But they said they'd prefer it at mine. So I told them I'd book a room at a B&B for the 500mile friend and her family and that I'd see the rest on Sunday and they could all bring a dish each. Everyone finally seems to agree on that, so I'm hoping that's the end of it.

nilbyname Tue 28-Jan-14 22:36:34

Blimey, they sound like a thick skinned lot,poor you, hope you can still enjoy the reunion!

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 28-Jan-14 22:37:43

I hope you are not being expected to pay for that room Diet?

To be honest, I still refer you to my first response, to cancel, post some links to b&bs, recommend a pub and step away from it all. Then you are not subsidising the whole lot of them eating a massive meal at yours.

Nicely done OP. Stand firm.

This whatsapp sounds completely shite. Does it only shows random messages, not all of them? It's the only expanation other than your uni friends are a bunch of selfish fuckers.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:44:22

I know I could cancel completely but I'm not too sure I could do that. We all have times when we grin and bear situations, don't we? Or is it just me? hmm.

I've learnt a lot about myself through this process. I generally have a tendency to sit back and see how a situation unfolds before I say something. I'm a thinker and tend to take my time making decisions. Although that prevents me from making a lot of rash decisions, at times, it also works at a disadvantage like here. This time, thinking it over made things worse because it meant the plans changed in the meantime.

I've also realised that I'm not too comfortable with lying and I'm no good at making excuses. I tried many a time to use some of the excuses offered here and just make something up but I don't think I could live with that.

I've also realised that I'm a wimp and need to grow a backbone grin as so many of you have told me. It really is so much difficult to tell others to do than do yourself. I remember the thread about an MNer asking how to deal with a situation where her sister was asking her to pay £36 to come to hers for Christmas dinner. At that time I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just refuse to go and told her so, but after being in the this predicament myself, I've realised it's easier said than done.

WhoDat Tue 28-Jan-14 22:45:46

They have the hides of elephants! Well, sounds a lot better but sheesh, lot of work to get there. Will eat my hat if they all turn up with dishes ODs on similes

jumperooo Tue 28-Jan-14 22:46:18

Is this for real? Just cancel the whole thing, it sounds ridiculous, you don't even like them?!

Cancel. Seriously.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:45

I definitely won't be paying for the B&B. I don't think she'd expect me to either tbh.

WhoDat Tue 28-Jan-14 22:53:45

No you don't need to cancel, I understand that and I wouldn't either. Especially as there's one friend you are fond of in the group, and if they're all brining dishes you can relax significantly and enjoy them. I would however find a way to shut off all rooms I wouldn't want anyone nosing about in. I have a friend who has a SIL who has similar previous and eventually she got zip ties and would "secure" certain sites before she descended grin

TenCupsOfTea Tue 28-Jan-14 22:56:17

I would still go with D&V .....

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 28-Jan-14 22:57:16

It really isn't so hard once you stop being a doormat.

You just say 'no can do folks, let's come up with alternatives'.
Or
'I'd love to but that's doesn't work for me' (in this case, as husband is straight back from a long haul trip).
Or
'Insert a reason of your choice depending on what the situation is'.
Or
'I can only do this if everyone brings a dish, I'm not running a food bank people, so choose your dish'.

Once you start, it really is much easier to say no.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:57:47

I don't think I realised how selfish they were all being until you all pointed it out to me. I'm definitely going to delete myself from the whatsapp group after this weekend. I can't be arsed with them any more. They're not all bad, but this time they really are just using me.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 28-Jan-14 22:59:02

Yes they are...I'd be deleting myself before this weekend! And save yourself the hassle.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:59:58

Shall I show them this thread after we've all had dinner wink? Oh, wouldn't that be a great after dinner conversation!

NoSquirrels Tue 28-Jan-14 23:04:25

I feel sorry for you. But equally I am just boggling at your friends. Who does this? Especially people with partners and children to transport and sleep over and what not?

Who invites themselves to stay at someone else's house? You have to be invited. Those are the rules. Surely everyone understands that! I mean this I asked someone else to come forward and offer their house and two of them did. But they said they'd prefer it at mine. is just Beyond.The.Pale.

You are much nicer than me! I would have told them to Kindly Go Elsewhere a long time ago!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Tue 28-Jan-14 23:04:58

yep! The ambassador eez spoiling us with her ferrero rocher pyramide and zut alors what eez this printout from le net de mums? WABU? We are? Well i ave never bin so insulted in all ma life - cue flounce and huge pocketing of free chocolate. wink

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 28-Jan-14 23:07:23

Again, show them before you start cooking if you really wants to change the way you do things. Why spend all that time and effort and upset them afterwards once they have eaten? Do it before (if you are going to do it at all) and save yourself the effort.

Doha Tue 28-Jan-14 23:09:18

I don't think this is the end of it yet !!!!
May be better to be out on Saturday as they may yet turn up l fear

Doha Tue 28-Jan-14 23:10:31

sorry.. sounding more like Yoda every day grin

jumperooo Tue 28-Jan-14 23:14:30

I don't really understand what they would want to use you for though. Fair enough if you were all childless and fancy free it might be considered a big piss up and free accomodation for a weekend away. But if you all have kids and spouses to take with you, why would anyone want to be cramped in someone's house, with no peace or privacy ,surrounded by a load of other people and their kids. Weird. It doesn't seem appealing to me?!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Tue 28-Jan-14 23:14:43

Seriously YANBU and I feel for you. However just one teeny thing...
if it is meant to be a reunion with much frivolity laughter and drinking at your expense then i can see how it snowballed into a let's stay over debacle. Still think cheeky gits. That said a dinner ona Sunday/school night arriving at/after 5pm?
totally see why you have said/done that - it means you are not catering from noon til midnight done that seething it sets clear boundaries and the tone i.e. sunday night shortish meal and catch-up and earlier end rather than a piss-up.
If I had 500 miles to drive back home though unless I was staying in b and b til Monday and making a weekend of it with dp then I cannot imagine on a Sunday with traffic etc wanting to head back later than five.
Even leaving at eight would screw me over if I lived that far away.
If local then yes from five to eat at 6 then leave around 9-9.30? BUT i am lazy and Sundays I like to recover from any plans not start them so late.
If they do get together on Sat and are hungover Sunday then aside from a meet up at a hair of the dog pub lunch I can't see them wanting several courses from 5 if not within an easy radius.
Or is that your cunning plan and I am missing the point entirely?!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Tue 28-Jan-14 23:18:56

Forgot about the kids. Hmm confused maybe they were hoping the kids could all locate into a room after some food and play wii or something whilst they got legless pretending the kids were fine and looked after cos safety in numbers?! Depends on age of kids I guess.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Tue 28-Jan-14 23:24:46

You don't need a backbone, you just need a few stock phrases that you can trot out guilt free.

For instance, I have a work colleague that sees themselves as quite the schemer. I say 'let's have an offline discussion about that' rather than agree to harebrained scheme meant to impress. It sounds a bit wanky but it works.

It's OK to give yourself thinking time. A simple 'let me think about that and get back to you' is fine. So is 'no I don't fancy hosting for everyone' or 'that won't work for me'.

MintyChops Tue 28-Jan-14 23:49:28

Well done, especially for not obsessively checking your phone all day <projecting!>. Hope it goes well and enjoy deleting yourself from the what's shite app thing....

Thumbwitch Wed 29-Jan-14 03:02:27

I'm sure you only suggested showing them the thread in a tongue in cheek way, but really, just in case you were in any way serious, DON'T do it.
It never ends well. There have been a lot of judgemental posts on here and even though people don't know your friends, they will be hurt to read what internet strangers have said about them.

It's one thing to drop the acquaintance and leave the Whatsapp group - another thing entirely to have them revile you for allowing others to call them names.

Don't show them the thread, I'm always bemused when someone suggests 'show them the thread', bloody madness!

Anyway, withdrawing yourself from this group sounds a good idea.

Do update after Sunday, are you expecting any snippiness off gobby friend?

birdmomma Wed 29-Jan-14 07:20:55

I just can't believe how much you had to repeat yourself to get it through to them! And that they thought it was ok for at least 10 adults and 7 children to descend on you for a fully catered weekend. I am horrified! Horrible people. You must have a really lovely house.

sonjadog Wed 29-Jan-14 07:39:52

They must be a strange bunch that you have to keep telling them before they realise that they can't come and stay with you.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Wed 29-Jan-14 14:17:01

I wasn't going to show them the thread ever. I'd die if they saw it. It was a joke.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Wed 29-Jan-14 14:28:06

YouStayClassy I don't think they'll be snippiness. Believe it or not, we do get on well and most of the time we have a good time together. The gobby friend, as she's now come to be called, can be nosey but she'd not nasty. She'll spend half the day commenting on my home and comparing it to hers because she's very interested in home décor whereas I find it irritating because I find it all superficial and feel she's judging and being competitive. Plus home décor bores me. Then she'll ask to look round the house and look at each room and how it's changed since the last time she was here but this time I'll refuse and tell her to confine herself to the ground floor. Other than that, I'm sure the others will provide plenty of conversation and it'll be a good day, overall. Now that we've reached a decision that's not as imposing.

I will tell them though, that I'm not going to be attending any future get-togethers. It's just too much hard hassle.

FrenchJunebug Wed 29-Jan-14 14:48:11

Well done, theDiet.

Socks555 Wed 29-Jan-14 14:51:43

I wouldn't cut them off entirely OP, unless you really can't stand them.

Don't want you to look back and regret such a move when you could keep them in your life, at a distance

??

shoom Wed 29-Jan-14 15:00:08

I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Charley50 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:01

Hi OP,
Now that they are coming on Sunday don't you think a nice roast dinner or other lunch would be better as 5 is pretty late for everybody, yourself included?
You might actually enjoy yourself if you embrace them coming now rather than feeling annoyed and put upon.
Maybe they genuinely think for some reason that you enjoy hosting and cooking etc. Maybe take it as flattery, have fun, and make sure they help on the day. I really think lunch is better though on a Sunday

Icelollycraving Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:07

Won't that be really uncomfortable to say you won't be seeing them again?!

Nanny0gg Wed 29-Jan-14 18:33:42

Much harder than telling them No over Whatsapp I would have thought.

Whocansay Wed 29-Jan-14 20:53:38

I think it's quite likely they'll ignore what you've said and will just turn up on Saturday. They don't really seem to get it!

Or if they do and are playing dumb, they must be pretty unpleasant people.

Either way, I'd go out if your DH isn't too tired. Or make him answer the door naked...

TheDietStartsTomorrow Wed 29-Jan-14 22:21:36

Charley that is what I intend to do now. Have fun and make the most of it. I wasn't going to tell them when they came that I don't want to see them again. Just that we should think twice about arranging to meet up together all at such notice at someone's house in future. I feel long distance friendships are maintained much better when you talk on the phone when you want to, through email and texts and meeting up occasionally with one or two rather than 7 of us trying to get together with our families at one time in one persons house.

I feel I've already spent too much time and energy on this. I feel quite guilty too. I maybe shouldn't have discussed how I feel so openly here. Feels wrong now. But what's done is done and time to move on.

Thank you all of you for taking the time to tell me what you think. I truly do appreciate everyone's opinion even the one's that few that were negative because they did me to help to reflect on my behaviour. Will hopefully post an update on Sunday telling you how wonderful the evening was and how I've realised they're not such a bad bunch after all and that they were extremely gracious and helpful and polite and fun and as a result, I'll still be keeping them in my life. smile Now, that would be a positive outcome.

aquashiv Wed 29-Jan-14 22:30:35

Long distance group friendships are brilliant can be maintained and nurtured but we only do it in place that is convenient and great for everyone. Next time plan a wonderful cottage so that is exciting for all. I just think the whole idea of you catering for everyone is never going to work.
Enjoy you clearly like seeing them though otherwise you would not even be doing this lunch.

GingerBlondecat Sat 01-Feb-14 13:58:10

Update ?

Isn't the meet up at TheDiet's tomorrow? Ginger.

GingerBlondecat Sat 01-Feb-14 15:11:39

^^ haha Probably. But I never quite know what day of the week is Now wink

AlpacaPicnic Sat 01-Feb-14 17:07:48

Now come on... She very clearly said Sunday! wink

ThePearShapedToad Sun 02-Feb-14 08:43:57

Yes yes, let us know how last night at Gobby's house and today at yours goes smile

pussycatdoll Sun 02-Feb-14 08:46:47

Oh yes how did yesterday go grin anyone turn up at yours by mistake ??

londonrach Sun 02-Feb-14 08:48:04

Offering diet support and waiting to hear how yesterday and today goes. Who stayed in the end

Lurking

Thumbwitch Sun 02-Feb-14 11:47:22

Checking in so I don't lose this thread before the update...

Marking place. ..

Pigsmummy Sun 02-Feb-14 15:16:11

I hope tat ou are having a lovely roast and enjoying yourself op x

FireMaker Sun 02-Feb-14 20:29:51

Looking forward to an update

QOD Sun 02-Feb-14 20:41:55

Wedging my arse in for an update!

phantomnamechanger Sun 02-Feb-14 20:52:38

<saunters in whistling innocently and listens in a corner>

can't wait for the news!

birdybear Sun 02-Feb-14 22:55:49

Hello ?

winkywinkola Sun 02-Feb-14 22:58:15

They're all having a marvellous row. Throwing trifle and flicking wine at each other.

Clearing the air and all that.

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:14:12

Hey! You can all wait for an update at mine. I'll cook.

Tidy.

Cool Harold I'm bringing the kids and the cat. That's OK isn't it?

RunRabbit Sun 02-Feb-14 23:20:29

I bet this is going to be one of those non resolution threads that makes people tear their hair out grin

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:20:57

Totally, bring your whole family. In fact your postman looked like he needed a break, bring him too.

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:21:41

Well, only if I can bring dh, the kids, sil, and mil. And stay for the week Harold. Thats ok isn't it?

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:22:22

Damn, and the dogs. We have two. Thats ok too?

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:22:45

That's absolutely peachy with me Brian.

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:23:04

Only two? Can you borrow more?

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:24:59

Yes yes, I can. My mum has two as well. But that means I have to bring her, my dad and my brother. Does that work for you?

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:25:54

Yes that's fine, I still have a space of 2cm square in the west wing.

Brian I can of course assure you that Harold is absolutely fine with that. So that's OK.

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:27:48

Super, I'll start packing our suitcases now grin

Cross posted with you there Harold!

You'll do my washing too won't you?

HaroldLloyd Sun 02-Feb-14 23:28:19

If you train the dogs Barbara!

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:30:05

Oh yes, if you could train our dogs too Barbara, that would be great. They are a little unruly. And the children, does your expertise extend to them?

Helpyourself Sun 02-Feb-14 23:31:57

Blimey, do you think they're all still there? shock
OP did wonder up thread whether she would show her friends the thread.
You could imagine it all fun and her feeling luffly and what was I thinking, dreading this and I'm so silly, look what I posted on Mumsnet...

That would be awkward.

<eyes up own children thoughtfully>

Sorry, no it doesn't. grin

manicinsomniac Sun 02-Feb-14 23:38:29

It all seems to have worked out ok ...

except, I don't understand why you went back on the offer to host the friend coming from 250 miles away? Nor why none of the other, presumably fairly local, guest couldn't host her if you couldn't.

At least 2 of you have 6 bedroom houses yet you made this (apparently very nice) woman and her family give up the time and money to travel 250 miles for a one day event and made her pay for accommodation into the bargain?! Ouch.

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 23:43:07

<eyes up own children thoughtfully>

Sorry, no it doesn't.

grin

grobagsforever Mon 03-Feb-14 00:16:55

Sorry. Place making

MrsJoeHart Mon 03-Feb-14 00:31:38

How did it go?

TenCupsOfTea Mon 03-Feb-14 07:32:29

La la la la la, not waiting for update At all.......

Come on then, Diet, we're all on tenterhooks...

Drums fingers.

ssd Mon 03-Feb-14 07:57:30

well..was there a mass murder then grin

Used2bthin Mon 03-Feb-14 08:39:12

I want to know what you fed them!

phantomnamechanger Mon 03-Feb-14 14:53:34

come on OP, don't be a tease we neeeed to knoooooow

KatoPotato Mon 03-Feb-14 16:42:03

Anything? Are they still there?

MintyChops Mon 03-Feb-14 16:46:06

How did it go Diet? Did Gobby behave herself?

olympicsrock Mon 03-Feb-14 22:35:13

Well? Come on OP

aquashiv Tue 04-Feb-14 00:10:06

Op did they shower you with thoughtful gifts and copiuous amounts of alcohol that you now feel guilty.

Cerisier Tue 04-Feb-14 00:21:19

Another one here hoping for an update...

GingerBlondecat Tue 04-Feb-14 03:49:28

They are probably all still there. camping out for the whole week wink

Hunnyangel80 Tue 04-Feb-14 04:25:14

Are they still there? smile

Catsize Tue 04-Feb-14 10:55:12

Is the OP locked in the oven?

ThePearShapedToad Tue 04-Feb-14 11:38:11

OP did they kidnap you and force you to cook for them forever? grin

KatoPotato Tue 04-Feb-14 11:48:49

I think the OP and her family have been shanghaied...

glasgowsteven Tue 04-Feb-14 12:01:30

keep this at the top....OP come on

landrover Tue 04-Feb-14 12:02:52

bump

AllOverIt Tue 04-Feb-14 12:50:39

No update? Gah!

eddielizzard Tue 04-Feb-14 13:02:21

i hate it when this happens. it's TUESDAY fgs

Charley50 Tue 04-Feb-14 14:39:20

I feel robbed! Come on OP spill the beans! Your dilemma was gripping and we need closure...how did it go?

jay55 Tue 04-Feb-14 14:48:09

Perhaps the op was arrested for battering gobbyfriend when she started going through the cupboards.

fascicle Tue 04-Feb-14 14:51:32

Poor OP may still be working through the trauma. Give her a chance grin

MintyChops Tue 04-Feb-14 19:14:42

OP are you in prison????

pigletmania Wed 05-Feb-14 08:29:37

Flame me but is this thread for real, sounds very far fetched, no one can be that clueless and rude. Mabey op has done a disappearing act as there was no reunion!

AuroraRoared Wed 05-Feb-14 09:05:27

Argh, WHY DON'T POSTERS COME BACK AND UPDATE US??!!!

<overinvested>

ThePearShapedToad Wed 05-Feb-14 09:11:53

Quite agree aurora! grin

Drums fingers..... I don't care..... looks back sneakily to see if there's an update yet

LovelyJubblies Wed 05-Feb-14 09:17:08

Want happened OP?
I was panicking because I couldn't find this thread for two days!!

landrover Wed 05-Feb-14 10:04:35

Bumping, we need to know!!!!

MintyChops Wed 05-Feb-14 13:17:59

BUMP!!!!!

glasgowsteven Wed 05-Feb-14 13:28:29

BUMP

TenCupsOfTea Wed 05-Feb-14 15:21:29

Bump! Very strange! Wonder if one of the guests saw this thread?.....

winkywinkola Thu 06-Feb-14 00:53:10

Aw come on.

cupofcake Thu 06-Feb-14 06:25:30

Just as OP was going to bed, following a surprisingly successful reunion, she heard a strange clicking noise, just like a pull cord light. She couldn't work out where it was coming from, but felt like she was being spied on. Our inquisitive OP went to investigate and hasn't been seen since.

I hate cliffhangers, they bug me for years...

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Thu 06-Feb-14 06:49:44

They've tired her to an ikea chair in one of the many bedrooms whilst they Mark each room out of ten.

ThePearShapedToad Thu 06-Feb-14 09:05:26

< wails >

Is it because gobby friend is watching this thread? Go away gobby friend, we want to talk to the op!

loopylou6 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:07:42

disappointed theres no update

pigletmania Thu 06-Feb-14 19:12:38

Guys could well be a bridge dweller, winding us up and then seeing what happens, unless the stress was just so much that she us confined to bed rest only smile

londonrach Thu 06-Feb-14 20:11:30

Was it a dream...come on op please return...

quirkycutekitch Thu 06-Feb-14 20:28:38

Waiting for an update ..........

aquashiv Thu 06-Feb-14 20:30:54

Now see I am rather peeved myself I might start a thread about seemingly halpless ops who create a right old story have us all feeling sorry for them then vamoosh.
Go on update us even if its bollox

KatoPotato Fri 07-Feb-14 12:54:07

Maybe this is how all the members of the Whatsapp group felt...

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 13:00:09

grin kato

glasgowsteven Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:06

Petition for MNHQ to email the op and ask them to return to thread

+1

<signs petition>

Come on op! grin

KatoPotato Fri 07-Feb-14 13:53:45

Shall we assume radio silence means we've all to go and stay the weekend with our DCs?

'She has a lovely big six bedroomed posh house and is the best cook ever.'

It's fucking *annoying and selfish*wink when the OP neglects her duty to update, however dull it may be!!

< goes off to advance search to see if she's posting elsewhere>

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 13:57:39

Ooooooh hadn't thought of doing that san diego!

Make sure you report back and let us know smile

Plenty of posts but nothing since
reuniongate as far as I can see on my tablet.

I wonder if she's been busted by her mates who may have seen the thread

< strokes chin and ponders>

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 14:08:30

thanks for san Diego who at least came back.....

glasgowsteven Fri 07-Feb-14 14:36:50

lets all send her private messages they will go to her email inbox

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 14:53:01

Sorry all, I'm inbetween phones at the moment so haven't had much time to come on mumsnet from my laptop. It's been at the back Of my mind to give an update but never really made time until I received a pm from SanDeigo.

Haven't read the last few pages but to update: We ended up cancelling last weekend because of impracticalities for a few and have now postponed to this weekend. We've settled on no one staying over at mine and me hosting a lunch only. There still seems to be a few things that everyone's dawdling over and I've taken to just ignoring all the incessant planing and replaning discussions that are going on over whatsapp. I can't be asked talking about it all the time and just want them to give me a decision when things are all finalised. It's taking up enough of my time without having to endlessly discuss whose coming and whose not, whose staying, what time they're all coming and going as whose bringing kids and partners and who isn't. It's getting boring to be honest. Even today gobby friend wrote that she might not have the car. I was left just rolling my eyes to myself as dramatically as I could muster in the privacy of my home- after all the headache, she's the one who can't seem to make it.

It's becoming a chore just talking about it. There's no excitement and anticipation left for me any more. Just feel like getting it over and done with. I'm sure I'll enjoy it once they're all here, but in the meantime it's becoming more of a headache then it's worth.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 07-Feb-14 14:58:04

<hands OP a large box of paracetamol because you'll be made and harangued to give chapter and verse now here, forever...>

Take control OP, do what's good for you and your family and make no apologies for that. thanks

Yay, an updategrin

Bloody hell, they're a right bunch aren't they.

It all sounds bloody tiresome.

Fgs just cancel, life is too short to waste doing things with no enjoyment left in them, especially if you don't have to. Sounds like you're being pressured immensely, do what you want to do - seriously.

Thanks for update btw!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 15:04:50

Just read the last few pages if the thread. shock I had no idea my absence had caused such frustration. Sorry! But, hey, reading back has kind of cheered me up! grin.

I wasn't going to say this...... actually, I probably still shouldn't....you'll all think I'm crazy. And shallow. But now I've started...

One of the reasons I didn't get a chance to sit down with my laptop was because I'd taken on the mammoth task of tidying up the entire house before they came. And then I painted the whole house. You'll all think I'm daft but Ive wanted to do it for a while and the thought of gobby friend poking her head into each room and making remarks spurred me on. I painted each day after I came back from work and had the kids all into bed usually for about 3-5 hours each day and often until 2am. I painted seven rooms in 5 nights and bought a few bits and pieces to spruce things up. It felt a bit like one of those instant house makeovers. Now everything looks spick and span, so that's another good thing that's come out of it all.

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 15:07:24

Don't worry op my house only ever gets primped and painted when I have guests coming to stay grin

Thanks for coming back smile

If you're dreading this weekend as much as it sounds like you are, then "do a gobby", and cancel on everyone and just spend time eating all the nice food you would have cooked for them with DH instead

Hope he got home ok by the way

AuroraRoared Fri 07-Feb-14 15:08:23

Omg, that really is commitment to a lunch party!

Sorry you're feeling fed up with the whole thing. Hopefully they'll all bring lovely wine and sparkling conversation and you'll have a good time in spite of yourself. wink

glasgowsteven Fri 07-Feb-14 15:08:37

Yoour hosue got nicer and they never stayed over.

And think, now you never have to see any of them again (well after this weekend)

Hahahagrin ah Diet bless you, you must be knackered!

I bet it looks fabulous.

Oh diet sad that's not good - brilliant that you achieved so much in such a short time (fancy visioning me? Could do with a massive freshen up!) but not good that you're under that amount of pressure

KatoPotato Fri 07-Feb-14 15:13:09

Awww diet you're very good to us!

I'm still coming this weekend though yes? I plan to bring nothing!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 15:13:26

Thanks PearShaped he did. He's been asking me for updates daily too. I think he's quite enjoying the drama of it all and is also surprised at how something as simple as a dinner can be dragged out for so long.

I don't think I can cancel now. The friend coming from furtherest has made travel arrangements now and I feel it would be unfair on her to cancel.

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 15:15:16

Then use us to vent my dear wink

We'll be here < rubs hands together evilly > encouraging supporting you

Don't cancel.

You could do a running commentary, set up a laptop and do a live thread.

Only kidding not

Diego grin

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 15:21:31

Well, it definitly looks a lot better and it needed doin so this actually made me focus and get it done. DH was flabbergasted when he came home. I didn't tell
him because I know he'd have a go at me for doing so much all at once. I've asked him to change the carpets and replace the fireplace too because it's been on our list of things to do but he's not having any of it. [hmmm]

Kato, having a bunch of strangers from MN over for lunch actually feels a lot less stressful than having a group over that includes a few judgemental friends. You never know, one day I might just do something crazy like invite a bunch of you over.smile

pigletmania Fri 07-Feb-14 16:26:58

Thanks diet, gosh it all sounds so stressful. I bet you hoe that they don't turn up and yu can enjoy the lovely food smile

pluCaChange Fri 07-Feb-14 16:31:58

Wahey!

Do you think a gentle request to wrap things up might improve things for everyone? There must be some friends in the group who are going mad with all the dithering, and if it's already been postponed twice (1st time when they talked about descending on you immediately), they might be getting wuite scared of committing in case it never happens!

MintyChops Fri 07-Feb-14 18:13:08

Thanks for the update Diet, it sounds like a right pain in the arse with all the dithering but at least your house is looking great. Hope it goes well and is somewhat enjoyable....

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 19:59:29

One of them who is a single mum has just texted to say that as we've delayed a week, she has all the kids this weekend and will be bringing all four of them with her.

JapaneseMargaret Fri 07-Feb-14 20:00:53

shock

nilbyname Fri 07-Feb-14 20:04:26

Holy moly, extreme makeover, reunion style! Love that.

Keep us updated, this thread is awesome!

Hissy Fri 07-Feb-14 20:04:40

Diet, woman-up!

The single mum with 4 kids will have to make it another time then, it's too much! Why are you not cancelling this whole thing?

RandomMess Fri 07-Feb-14 20:08:03

Count me in for the MN lunch, if you're quite far away I'm happy to stay over wink

nennypops Fri 07-Feb-14 20:18:19

shock at the mindset here. In what world is it acceptable to dump another four guests on someone whose house will already be choc-a-block without so much as asking if she minds?

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 20:36:35

Oh good grief op it keeps getting worse! Whilst I sympathise for single mum friend, as she was probably looking forward to a weekend away without her kids last week, she cannot just assume you're ok having another 4 mouths to feed / entertain shock

This is turning into a farce!

Ooooh. Could gobby look after them as she may not be coming?! (Evil plan coming together)

ChasedByBees Fri 07-Feb-14 20:52:20

Did she ask or tell? Exceptionally rude if she told you. You don't have to accept it.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 07-Feb-14 21:39:35

She just said 'I'll have all mine with me this week so will bring them along.'

Is that unreasonable? I can't decide. If you look at it outside the context of this thread, would you say to a single mum friend who is planning to come over that she can't bring her kids along?

I've almost forgotten what's normal.

ThePearShapedToad Fri 07-Feb-14 21:45:39

How old are the kids? Ie: would they be happy with pizzas and Doritos and playing video games in the spare room, or are they younger and would need supervision?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 07-Feb-14 21:47:50

It's a ball ache for her that the weekend switched as she probably joined in in the first place on the basis that it was her child free weekend, but still a "would it be ok if..." Is the minimum politeness demands!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 07-Feb-14 21:48:32

(Assuming you are still cooking and not going out for lunch now -?)

Charley50 Fri 07-Feb-14 21:49:35

Why shouldn't she bring her kids? I think some posters are being so negative and miserable here. They are your friends!! Just ignore people who are saying cancel or tell people they can't come and enjoy yourself. The older Kidd will all entertain themselves or each other. Let's face it you can stick them in front of a screen with some popcorn and you'll barely hear a peep out of them.
Make pasta and pesto for the kids it costs fuck all and most children love it.
You can't cancel now so just embrace it, enjoy it, get pisded with your old mates and ignore the miseries on here. You have a seven bedroom house! Be happy!
...And don't forget to update us tho!

Charley50 Fri 07-Feb-14 21:53:24

Sorry lots of typos. And if the kids are younger their mums can make sure they are looked after, you aren't responsible for them. It will be fine.

Kundry Fri 07-Feb-14 22:01:13

It would be normal for her to say 'would you mind if I bring them along?' and possibly say she'll bring food or suggest something very easy for them. And appreciate if you said no.

I think you're right leaving them to just talk amongst themselves regarding arrangements as the whole thing sounds like herding cats.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 07-Feb-14 22:01:48

Charley, bringing the kids is sensible, not asking if it's ok, if you can bring anything extra for them etc is not.

Charley50 Fri 07-Feb-14 22:17:38

Doctrine; maybe, but maybe she thinks she is a friend and presumes her kids are welcome as others are bringing their kids. Maybe she just thinks it wouldn't be an issue for the OP? A little tactless maybe, but not particularly rude.
I just think too many people on here are being negative and encouraging resentment in the OP over what should be a nice reunion. Obv it is going to be a bit stressful for the host, always is, but she can still enjoy it if she allows herself to.

Catsize Fri 07-Feb-14 22:17:42

Hooray!! OP is back! I was starting to get seriously worried that she really WAS locked in the oven or something.
I like the idea of a MN lunch at your place OP. Only because it is newly decorated mind you. I do a mean pavlova... grin

Catsize Fri 07-Feb-14 22:18:16

Oh, and I can now sleep at night...

Thumbwitch Fri 07-Feb-14 23:40:55

Oh lordy Diet - what a trojan you are doing all that painting!!

As far as the single mum is concerned, I'd say it's fine for her to bring her brood along so long as she brings lunch for them with her. Bloody cheek suddenly adding an extra 4 mouths to the table!!

Have any of them concretely agreed to bring any contributions to the meal? Because I'm still shock that they think it's fine to saddle you with the whole deal, it could be enormously expensive for you, especially with all the add-ons!

I'd also have given them a deadline of yesterday to say how many people were coming as you needed to know numbers.

I can't believe how they've managed to spin something so simple into such an all-out production...

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sat 08-Feb-14 11:18:26

Thumbwitch no-ones really agreed to bring anything. One of the them, offered to bring a swiss roll dessert and one offered to bring pasta. Both offers were hearted and after we'd decided no-one was staying overnight any more I told them not to bother and that I'd cook for them all.

Anyway, last night one of them, who has always been the rudest of the bunch (this is someone besides gobby friend) wrote on the group that my DH 'better not be in'. I had not really participated much in the chat during the day, although I'd read it all, but when she wrote that I asked if she was being serious. She said she was and repeated it again. He had previously said he'd be going out in the afternoon to see to a few errands but despite that, I told that he very well would be in and it was his house so what did she expect.

She wrote 'Can't you get rid of him? Send him out or something.' I told her I could but I wouldn't and that she was very rude to suggest it such a way. anyway, we exchanged a few words and I put the phone away after 5 minutes as I couldn't decide if I was overreacting to a light hearted comment or if she really was being rude.

Kundry Sat 08-Feb-14 11:27:30

No she's being rude. It's your and DH's house, he's entitled to be there whenever he wants.

She however is not.

How many of them have been rude and entitled now? I'm counting at least three of them sad

Get the weekend out of the way. Then never ever contact any of them again, these people are not friends they are users.