AIBU: smoking in the shed?

(53 Posts)
Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 17:37:27

Hello all! Just wondering if my SIL is BU asking my partner and I to 'smoke outside in the shed' in our garden from the moment her baby is born? She feels the smoke 'will permeate' our 'soft furnishings' in our home, and as such, the smoking ban and shed rule would apply at all times, not just when she and the baby visit...... AIBU to expect to smoke in my own home when they're not there, and not feel like the worst Aunt ever? I'm more than happy to be banished to the garden when they do visit, of course, but the rest of the time....? Hmm! Any thoughts appreciated! smile

AwfulMaureen Thu 23-Jan-14 17:41:08

Well how much time is she expecting her child to be in your house? If for some reason it is daily, then YABU......but if it's just now and then I suggest she restricts his presence to the kitchen!

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 17:41:14

Oops posted this in the wrong place! Now to delete....

caruthers Thu 23-Jan-14 17:41:26

It's your house and you smoke where you want to.

It's polite and right not to smoke in other peoples houses but just ignore anyone who tells you it's their priority to tell you not to smoke in yours.

squoosh Thu 23-Jan-14 17:43:49

I'd stick the SIL in the shed.

She sounds like horrific mix of Kim Jong-un and Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter.

WitchWay Thu 23-Jan-14 17:47:27

Smoking is bad for babies so she has a point, but this is her baby & your house & unless she plans on moving in with you I think the overall risks to be minimal & she is being a bit precious really.

WooWooOwl Thu 23-Jan-14 17:48:53

Of course she is being unreasonable, but pregnant people often are.

Ignore her. If she doesn't want to come to your house then you can see her elsewhere.

DameDeepRedBetty Thu 23-Jan-14 17:50:42

No need to run and hide OP, you're getting yanbus!

itsnotthateasy Thu 23-Jan-14 17:50:48

lolll the audacity of your Sister.

Could be hormones I suppose ,, I agree with others , Your Home , Your Rules.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 17:54:10

Thank you! It will be her first baby so I do understand her concerns, but really!;) She only comes round maybe once a week for an hour max, so I'd have thought airing the house, opening windows etc would be enough. maybe I should only go to hers from now on, problem solved;)

CrohnicallyFarting Thu 23-Jan-14 17:57:42

I can understand her not wanting to visit a house that someone has been smoking in, but if it were me I would just say 'I don't feel comfortable visiting when you've been smoking, can you come to us/meet at a venue partway'. And in fact, we've done that with family members. I wouldn't try to dictate to you that you can't smoke in your own home!

Iamavapernow Thu 23-Jan-14 18:00:04

Yanbu. Your house, like you say an airing before she arrives with baby is plenty sufficient.

However yabu to smoke in your house (imo) if you have a decent shed to smoke in. It's yukky and stinks. Yellows your paintwork etc.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 18:01:46

@CrohnicallyFarting, good idea! Perhaps meeting in a coffee shop or somewhere, at least for a while, would stop any resentment bubbling away. smile I just felt a naughty child :S

GlitzAndGiggles Thu 23-Jan-14 18:06:46

Just air the house that day

WitchWay Thu 23-Jan-14 18:07:01

How did I know it was her first baby hmm grin ?

pianodoodle Thu 23-Jan-14 18:19:54

I never liked smoking in the house even when I smoked - but that's not the point!

You can't go around trying to enforce a permanent smoking ban in a house that isn't yours - YANBU smile

monkeysox Thu 23-Jan-14 18:21:46

She ibu dictating but would you be more upset if she said she won't be visiting you any more?

It's v awkward with in laws but she inbu in not wanting her baby in a stinky house

MyNameIsWinkly Thu 23-Jan-14 18:24:28

Go to hers from now on. SIBU to ask, but SWNBU to not come to your house. I have a relative I have had to visit in the past whose house absilutely reeks of smoke, yes it does permeate the curtains, carpets and sofas. When I come home I can smell it in my own clothes and hair, and I won't be taking my baby to that house.

I don't think smokers appreciate how obvious and how bad smoke smells, sorry.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 23-Jan-14 18:40:05

I would just smoke in the shed, but it's your home and that's for you to decide.

No amount of airing will get rid of stale smoke smell.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 18:59:51

I don't want us to fall out, so guess I'll just have to suck it up and go to the shed. I hope my house doesn't stink, we stand in the kitchen with the door wide open but maybe I'm delusional hehe :p

Innogen Thu 23-Jan-14 19:02:33

Hahahahahahaaaa! Sister in law is batshit!

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-Jan-14 19:06:28

Well, I've got 2 dcs, but I still wouldn't take them into a house where people smoke, but then I believe that means I don't take them to houses of smokers, not that smokers have to stop smoking in their own homes.

Just suggest meeting away from your house and don't be offended if she declines invites to your house.

Hilarious! I thought you were asking if she was BU for sending you out to her shed when you visited...

I would just be setting out an ashtray in the shed and hanging a couple of smoking jackets on the back of the door just to show that I was making the effort, then I'd buy some frabrize!

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:15:19

@DontmindifIdo: genuine question: do you mean you never take them to those houses at all, or just if people refused to go outside whilst you were there? I'm genuinely interested to hear these thoughts, I don't have DCs of my own, so unsure how a Mum would feel about this. smile

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:17:15

@ThereIsNoEleventeen love this! Fabreze the sh*t out my 'soft furnishings' ;)

MyNameIsWinkly Thu 23-Jan-14 19:20:24

Fabreze won't make a damn bit of difference to smoky furniture.

DSis was gifted a second hand sofa when she moved into her first house. It came from a smoker's house and she was never able to get rid of the smoke smell. She had to get rid of the sofa.

Even if you only smoke in the kitchen, and you fabreze and open windows, if your SIL is a non-smoker your house will reek of smoke to her, sorry.

I was dragged to smoky houses as a child. It made me feel sick, and certainly contributed to my asthma that still persists. I will NEVER take my baby to a house that people smoke in.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-Jan-14 19:24:42

Not to those houses at all, I also won't have anything from a smokers house in my house.

It's not just the smell (which is pretty grim), it's the health issue.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:26:53

To be fair, and totally irrelevant (and also a bitch ;) ), SILs house reeks of cats.... Ah families, it's never easy, eh? smile

matildamatilda Thu 23-Jan-14 19:29:10

Yeah cats don't give you cancer.

I wouldn't bring a kid to a smoker's house.

Being serious, my friends mum smokes and she finds it tricky. Her DC's are older now and ask their Grandma to stop smoking (they have done smoking danger stuff at school).

When ever she stays at her Mums she washed all of the clothes that they took with them (dirty or not) along with any new clothes that her Mum has bought for the DC's.

Perhaps your sister will be better visiting in the summer when you can be in the garden? (My faith in frabrize is obliviously misplaced...)

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:32:11

Matlidamatilda: I know cats don't give you cancer, was just trying (failing!) to make a joke) blush. If nothing else, this thread has made me realise I will love this baby more than my cigarettes and maybe it's time for a change. It's not worth falling out with family at the end of the day. sad

Scarletohello Thu 23-Jan-14 19:33:14

Tell her to not come to your house. Fss! Is she a total control freak??

It would depend on the smell level for me. If I was bringing the baby home stinking of smoke, I wouldn't either, sorry.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:34:42

Yeah a total control freak (and a twelve years older than me), she's very good at making me feel about an inch tall angry

matildamatilda Thu 23-Jan-14 19:37:06

Well she has no right to boss you around in your own home. If it's too smokey for her then she just won't visit, right? You can go see the baby at her house. What's the problem?

He or she will love you too Stainless, aunties are great. Good luck if you do decided to give up.

specialsubject Thu 23-Jan-14 19:38:12

your house will stink of smoke if you smoke in it. As will you if you smoke.

But it is YOUR house and your clothes. Your call.

SIL can't dictate what you do there. What she should say is 'sorry, but as you smoke in your house I can't visit'.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-Jan-14 19:38:16

If it makes you reassess smoking, that's great. In real life I'd not want to be rude to a smoker friend/family member so would make excuses to avoid their home, that does mean a lot of smokers get left out of things and don't realise why.

Smoking makes you (and all your stuff) smell, costs you lots of money, ruins your skin and can give you cancer, there's a lot of reasons to quit other than to keep your hard work SIL happy... grin

GhostsInSnow Thu 23-Jan-14 19:38:30

YANBU, but....
My best friend smokes, she used to smoke in her house. At the time I was also a smoker so I didn't really notice. I stopped about 4 years ago and after that I had to cut back my visits to her because even though she didn't smoke when I was in the house with her it really did smell.

When I visit her and come home I literally have to get straight into a shower, wash my hair and change my clothes. Perhaps it's just me thats become extra sensitive to it.

I agree it is your home and as such if you want to smoke in it then she has no right to dictate you don't, however, I can see why she wouldn't want to bring a baby into the environment.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:38:38

Thanks ThereIsNoEleventeen, despite my moaning, I actually can't wait!! grin

MyNameIsWinkly Thu 23-Jan-14 19:42:38

stainless you sound lovely, and very open minded. Not a lot of people would take some of the replies you've had here as well without getting defensive. I reckon you'll be a wonderful auntie, it is a fantastic feeling smile

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 23-Jan-14 19:43:59

I deliver parcels as a job and sometimes when I've just been standing at the door of a smoker's house for 30 minutes I get back in the car and I can still smell the smoke at the back of my throat.

If you smoke in your house then yes it probably does smell bad to non smokers and I wouldn't want to take a newborn into a smoker's house. Don't be surprised if she doesn't visit you as often, as even opening windows on the day won't get rid of the smell that lingers in the fabric etc.

When you buy from eBay you'll notice people say 'from a smoke and pet free home' because they know that even furniture picks up the smell of smoke or dogs that people who live with them don't notice.

So no, you don't need to smoke in your shed but only if you won't be pissed off that she doesn't want to visit you anymore.

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 23-Jan-14 19:44:13

I mean 30 seconds!

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:44:31

HoneyImHolmes: given you're an ex-smoker, that's really interesting to hear that side if things. I wonder if you've extra sensitive nostrils now? SuperSnoz grin

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 23-Jan-14 19:45:56

Ah, just read your recent post, it would be lovely if your new dN gave you a reason to give up. What a great aunty. thanks

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 19:50:36

Thanks folks! I think in all honesty I've been deluding myself about my 'open back door will fix everything' mentality! blush.

GhostsInSnow Thu 23-Jan-14 19:53:14

Stainless, I can smell cigarette smoke at 100 yards. DH finds it amusing. My next door neighbour is a heavy smoker and smokes in bed. In summer when the windows are open I can smell her smoke in my bedroom.

It's taken a while to get to this stage, probably 12 months before smelling it bothered me, before that it was more 'oooh I could kill for a smoke' when I smelled it grin

Good on you though, sometimes a bit of inspiration to stop is a great thing and a lovely little Niece would be brilliant.

SofaKing Thu 23-Jan-14 19:54:44

The smell might be worse for her because she is pregnant? I used to feel sick with ds1 when I had to go to work and pass through a shopping centre where smokers would congregate outside the doors. I found it really overpowering and was nearly sick.
Once ds1 was born I'd happily take him to the same shops and barely wrinkle my nose at the smell, instead of feeling sick and practically fainting.

I would talk to her about it once her baby is born and see if you can reach a compromise about neutral ground.
I agree you sound like a fab Auntie to be considering giving up smoking for your nephew or niece :-)

granny24 Thu 23-Jan-14 19:58:46

We don't smoke but are not at all precious about friends that do. Mostly they smoke in the kitchen and when they leave we open a window. Give it an hour and it's fine. Second hand smoke is a health hazard but smells are not. Personally I find the smell of most air fresheners repulsive and houses that are over cleaned often give me asthma due to chemical fumes. Presumably sil won't ever push her buggy anywhere near main roads. Get a grip.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 20:03:31

@granny24' I did think that! I wonder what she'll do if anybody lights up on the street when she's pushing the pram. The funny thing is, she is an ex smoker too who is also considerably overweight, and I wonder if deep down she's trying to almost 'make up' for things by jumping on me so hard.... confused

Inertia Thu 23-Jan-14 20:03:55

YANBU if it's your home, but by the same token it's reasonable for her to not want to bring the baby to your home while you smoke in it. She probably also won't want you to hold the baby after smoking either, so that's something to think about in advance.

You do sound very considerate, and if the baby gives you the impetus to put your health first and give up then good luck smile

Nanny0gg Thu 23-Jan-14 20:04:51

It does depend whether she is only objecting to the actual danger from the second hand smoke or the smell from it as well.

If it's the latter then it doesn't matter what you do or where you meet, the smell will be on your clothes.

Stainless Thu 23-Jan-14 20:10:48

Regardless, I can (now) see she has a valid point. --kills me to admit it--Even if we're never going to see eye-to-eye, one thinks one should really get over oneself, and Man the F*ck Up haha, so I can be involved with the new baba. That's the most important thing in the end, eh? Oh god I sound like Jeremy Kyle!!!

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