Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

(436 Posts)
Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:13:12

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too


LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 20:14:55

fuck that, LTB

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:16:17

Just eat when you want and leave a plate for him to reheat later or get him to make his own damn dinner

Only1scoop Wed 22-Jan-14 20:17:21

Sounds like you have got into a monotonous routine with him. I'd break it.

AdoraBell Wed 22-Jan-14 20:17:53

So basically you're a B&B that he doesn't have To pay for. That's not a boyfriend, it's a piss taker.


ArtexMonkey Wed 22-Jan-14 20:18:16

What? Wait what? Is his cock made of solid gold or something? Fuck that for a laugh.

harticus Wed 22-Jan-14 20:19:53

He chips up whenever he feels like it and expects grub on the table?!
How about you eat when you want and he fucking grows up?

Actually seriously? He is totally taking you for granted, this needs to change.

FoxOff Wed 22-Jan-14 20:21:23

He's treating you like a hotel and you shouldn't stand for it. He probably doesn't realise how badly he's treating you so you should tell him. And then he'll say you're worse then his mother and he'll sulk.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:22:18

I think some food isn't nice reheated so would feel bad doing that.

I've been dancing this merry tune for so long and it's just dawned on me that I think he's taking the piss a bit.

He acts as though I'm completely unreasonable to ask a round a bout time, he even says he'll ring me when he's on his way and I can 'put his tea on'.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:23:51

I think some food isn't nice reheated so would feel bad doing that.

I think I would be telling him to eat at home for a few nights.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:24:52

Well he acts as though I'm in the wrong for asking, 'normal time' means not a lot, but I've fell for it.

If I don't make him anything then he doesn't say anything but he acts as though he's hard done by and I'm being unkind.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Wed 22-Jan-14 20:25:01

Cheeky twat shock

Tell him to make his own tea.

Only1scoop Wed 22-Jan-14 20:25:49

'Some food isn't nice re heated'
Don't know about that....probably regains flavour when it's been in the bin and then reheated....wink
Try it

So....let me get this straight. You have been together five years. He doesnt live there. Comes round for tea every night but doesnt tell you what time. Complains if theres no tea. Eats. Leaves.


WhoNickedMyName Wed 22-Jan-14 20:27:14

Is this the same fella that you keep posting about... the one that comes over and wants to put his rat-shit covered overalls in your washing machine?

You're not his girlfriend, you are his cook, cleaner and a shag/bed for the night when he feels like it.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:27:48

As I said there's a back story but having discussed this with someone else today I'm wondering whether he knows exactly what he's doing and enjoys having me jump through hoops and then making me out to be the unreasonable one.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 22-Jan-14 20:28:21

He's taking the piss! Come on OP!

Littlefish Wed 22-Jan-14 20:29:47

Stop being a doormat.

Either he gives you the information you want, or he doesn't get fed.


Stop feeding him and tell him to cook for himself.

Does he contribute financially towards all the meals and lodgings you provide?

Mellowandfruitful Wed 22-Jan-14 20:30:52

Given that you're wrong no matter what you do, you may as well stop cooking for him! At least then you are 'wrong' but haven't had to cook two meals!

As for 'acting as though he's hard done by', that's the behaviour of a 7 year old and as such deserved to be ignored.

I can imagine that you may not be ready to LTB right away (though it would be beneficial) but I would stop ringing him to ask when he's coming round, and I would stop cooking anything. If he rings to tell you to 'put the tea on', I would say that you haven't got a lot in so he will need to pick something up on his way or get a takeaway. To be honest, this in itself will probably solve the relationship problem, because once he seems you are not such an easy target anymore, he may well lose interest <all for the best emoticon>

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:31:55

Fuck me seriously op? Unless he's giving you house keeping plus a lifetime gift card to interflorana kick his sulking arse to the kerb.

I assume ney hope you don't do his washing and ironing as well please say it ain't so? What exactly does this dock lodger contribute. Meals out, cinema, and as Anyfucker will say in a heartbeat has he got a golden cock?

Mellowandfruitful Wed 22-Jan-14 20:32:13

In answer to your last post, yes he does and yes, he is. Put a stop to it now.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:33:09

He doesn't contribute financially no, he does usually pay for a pub meal or something at the weekend and pays for other stuff here and there so I kind of think fair enough money wise.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:33:39

Poxy ipad corrections cock lodger

Only1scoop Wed 22-Jan-14 20:34:04

He must be amazing in the sack grin

What is the reason for him not living there?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Wed 22-Jan-14 20:37:01

Are you his partner or his mother?

Seriously though, he is taking you for granted, you deserve better OP.

Maryz Wed 22-Jan-14 20:37:11

Ken, that's the wrong question. It should be

"What is the reason for him ever being there?"

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:39:40

Mellow, thanks, if I were to say I didn't have much in he'd go and get himself chips or macdonalds, fair enough, but then he will sit moaning about his weight and I can't really explain it, as he doesn't say it outright, but I'm made to feel that it's my fault, whole other thread but he does insinuate that his weight is my fault.

The other thing he might do is make himself something and leave a big mess in the kitchen, and he makes a hell of a mess.

There are lots of things which he does that are unacceptable, but this is something I kind of hadn't realised was driving me insane yet I somehow thought I was in the wrong.

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 20:40:19

You're a doormat OP.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:42:34

The reasons for him not living here are a long list of excuses, he is supposed to be moving in like now. There aren't really any excuses left so he is orchestrating arguments that are of course my fault.

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 20:43:30

So let me get this straight - if you say you don't have much food in, he will go and get HIMSELF chips or a macdonalds??


Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:43:48

You're probably right Pictish but he has this way of turning anything around so that it's my fault.

OP, WTF are you doing???
Stop cooking for this fool. You're not his mum and he's presumably not 15?
Because that is exactly the relationship you have now. You're dating Kevin.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:43:58

Op you've said yourself now this is one of the many things he does that are unacceptable, so to avoid drip feeding just write the list out and then read it back to yourself and if it's all still unacceptable to you believe me it will be for us lot wine thanks

AdoraBell Wed 22-Jan-14 20:44:15

You will always feel like you are in the wrong because that's where he is putting you.

Do yourself a favour and tell him To piss off ( or maybe not so blunt as mewink)

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 20:44:20

just tell him to fuck off - and to stay fucked off. You deserve so much better. Does he have any sort of relationship with your children?

Dolls the simplest solution is to pack up all the random crap he has lying around the place, have it teady for when he next comes round and hand it to him. Ask for the key back, if he has one, and wish him a pleasant life.

Get out.

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 20:46:19

Why bother with him?
You're just his mother come housekeeper...and what's more, he doesn't even have to stick around and grace you with his presence to get it. He just gives the shout and off you trot.
Why would you accept this?

Maryz Wed 22-Jan-14 20:46:27

So what are the reasons you are with him?

What about him is so wonderful that you are prepared to put up with the type of behaviour that drives me mad from my teenagers?

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 20:47:38

If someone treats you like shit, it is their fault. Entirely.

eddielizzard Wed 22-Jan-14 20:49:06

thank god he's not moved in. imagine how that would be.

Mellowandfruitful Wed 22-Jan-14 20:50:45

OK, so you need to blank out all this moaning about his weight. When he starts up with it, just say nothing at all. It doesn't succeed if it doesn't get a reaction from you. His weight is entirely his responsibility, and he knows it. The comments are part of the campaign to make you feel like your entire life is meant to be spent running around after him and making his life better.

Again, the best option long term for you is an end to the whole relationship, but take it step by step if you're not ready for that. So stop the cooking lark. If he mentions anything about it, say that it's just easier for him to get something and it gives him more freedom. Start distancing yourself from his notions about everything you owe it to him to do for him.

You do realise you need to LTB yeah?

He is big time taking the piss.
Stop making him dinner, and can you be out somewhere next time when he calls?
Take your DS to McD's for a treat?

blahe Wed 22-Jan-14 20:51:43


NatashaBee Wed 22-Jan-14 20:53:20

Does he still live with his mother, who caters to his every whim, by any chance? He sounds like a spoilt baby.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:54:02

Sorry LEM I think I misunderstood. He would have no problems getting me or ds some food in if I asked, he'd get himself food if I didn't cook I mean. But then blame me that he had to eat junk food. He will also cook or pay for a meal out or a takeaway on the weekends, it's just in the week.

He won't collect his own things if we break up but that's another story. I dropped them round to him once and he bought them all back.

He's kind of had me believing that I should be this all cooking, all cleaning, singing dancing domestic goddess, and if I can't read his mind and have a fresh meal on the table at his convenience I'm some kind of a failure to woman kind.

Ok so he's never actually said that, but it's the little comments and actions and telling me what his 'mother' does so amazingly well and what his father doesn't do.

OP, please tell me you don't do his washing?

Only1scoop Wed 22-Jan-14 20:56:57

Erm....rod...own back confused

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 20:56:59

The comments are part of the campaign to make you feel like your entire life is meant to be spent running around after him and making his life better.

Yup. This fucker thinks it's your role to serve him....emotionally, practically, sexually....while he is obliged to give nothing in return.
He must love having you perched there waiting for his command.

I think he can shove his pub lunch at the weekend up his fat arse.

justmyview Wed 22-Jan-14 20:58:34

Would you accept this from one of your friends? Thought not. Very rude, sorry. If you invite someone for dinner, they should let you know if they 're able to come & should attend on time

Hope you are ok op.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 20:59:39

No he has his own house although he is still pampered by his mum.

Yes unfortunately I do do a lot of his washing.

Sorry if I've not replied I'm a bit slow on my phone.

Of course he has good points and does do some nice things.

Ultimately I'm thinking it's mostly a crap relationship though and I'm jumping through hoops a lot to try to keep him happy.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 22-Jan-14 21:00:05

After 5 years yourll still live apart, is it a serious relationship or are yourll just floating along ?

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 21:01:39

Jumping through hoops - just how this entitled son of a bitch likes it.

Right...enough rancour for now. What do YOU want to do about this OP?

Oh love, it's not your job to service this asshat hmm
He's totally taking advantage of you, and in an insidiously nasty way.
You know this has to stop, right?

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 21:03:22

I'm being serious. What do YOU want out of a relationship? To cook and wash, and be patted on the head for being a good little woman like his mum? Or something else?

PatriciaHolm Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:12

You're just a mother substitute with the benefits of a shag occasionally. Sorry, but that's about it, isn't it? He likes being waited on hand and foot and expects the women in his life to get on with it and like nothing better than hanging around to serve him.

Thank your lucky stars he didn't move in. Gather his stuff, present him with a bin liner with it all in and take his key. Change the locks.

ProfessorSkullyMental Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 21:07:37

Justmyview, no I wouldn't accept it from a friend, I was having this conversation earlier you see, I asked him this morning if he was definitely coming over as I took some fish out if the freezer, he said he was. I rang him at 5.30 as wanted to know whether to do two lots of potatoes, he decides he's not coming. He thinks that this is perfectly reasonable. Of course the person I was speaking to today was saying that I shouldn't have to be chasing him over what time. He should let me know as any decent person would.

The comments are things like, if I ask him for a hand with something he will say 'does your mum make your dad do this'? Or say his dad never had to do that.

Coffee, the relationship is supposed to be serious, 'circumstances/excuses' have prevented us from living together but it's all just a load of bull in my opinion.

However if I was to say to him now I want to end things, ask him to collect his things he wouldn't listen.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 21:10:32

Probably to end it Pictish. Of course I'm not happy but I get caught up in doing what I've always done.

It sounds daft but I don't know he has a knack of making me feel in the wrong.

Nojustalurker Wed 22-Jan-14 21:11:42

All of his behaviour in unacceptable. If you are a partnership you share responsibility for chores and finances and you treated each other with respect.

Do you think this is acceptable behaviour? I suspect you don't as otherwise you would not be posting on here.

I think you need to think carefully about how you will allow others to treat you and the kind of example you want to set for your child.

ChippingInWadesIn Wed 22-Jan-14 21:12:08


pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 21:13:06

Yes...he's a manipulative git isn't he? Turning everything round so it's all somehow your fault and your responsibility to put right huh?

Doinmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 21:13:26

He will listen if you mean it. He sounds awful

Just do what an earlier poster said.
Gather up his crap in a bin bag, deposit it with his mum, text him bye bye, change your number and call the Police if he becomes a nuisance.

Mellowandfruitful Wed 22-Jan-14 21:14:20

Some replies for you:

'Well, you're not your dad and I'm not your mum. We are allowed to do things differently to the previous generation. In fact I'd like to'. (for 'My dad never...')

'What's that got to do with it?' (for 'does your mum...')

And don't even ask about whether you should include him in meals now. Again, if he comments say 'well, it's hard to cater when I don't know whether you'll be here or what time, so it's easier if you get something yourself and you've got more freedom that way'. Keep pushing the idea that you are all in favour of him 'having more freedom', rather than tying him down. The thought that you want to keep things going is what allows him to continue to exert power over you. Once you stop caring, that power will be gone. And I am convinced this is what you're now moving towards - I hope it's sooner rather than later.,,

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 21:17:55

Some more replies for you:

Fuck off.
There's the door.
You've taken the piss out of me for long enough - give me my key back.
There's your stuff...don't come back.

I can think of more....

Viviennemary Wed 22-Jan-14 21:19:01

I'd say that he can come when he wants but you won't be providing a meal. The cafe is closed.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 22-Jan-14 21:19:40

you are getting nothing from this relationship are you? do you want your kids growing up with this warped view of male female roles? he is living in the past decade and you are letting him walk all over you. get some pride woman and live your life for you and your kids. He does not deserve you, find yourself someone on an equal relationship basis cos this ain't a relationship. change your locks, tell him you don't want to be with him, tell him why and give him a timescale to collect his stuff or else you will get rid of it and stay strong.

I like "I couldn't give a toss what your parents did, oh, and by the way, bah-bye"

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 22-Jan-14 21:21:10

Op this guy sounds familiar have you posted about him before?

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 22-Jan-14 21:27:37


Read wifework or something. Woman up. Please.

You have painted 'welcome' on your head and laid down.

Keep saying to yourself 'possession of a penis does not mean you never have to cook, clean or take fucking responsibility.'

PansOnFire Wed 22-Jan-14 21:30:40

OP I'm guessing you feel like if you end it with me then you will be the 'bad guy' and he will be the one who is badly done to? A horrible feeling that you'll avoid at all costs? He emotionally manipulating you so he can have the perks of a relationship with none of the work, for that to work he has had to manipulate you into thinking you owe him something. Don't feel bad, loads of people end up in this situation with me being one of them.

Being without him might seem daunting, as I'm sure he's made you think you rely on him to be happy, but life without him will be so much better. Don't think you're not worth the effort, it's him who isn't worth the effort. Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work!

Is anyone else intrigued to know what awful things have happened in this poor woman's life to think she deserves no better than this?

OP, LTB...or get 'WELCOME' tattooed on your chest and let him continue to walk all over you.

What a prize wanker.

Ha ha - repeated the welcome thing. I hope you're getting the message, OP. This isn't good for your dc to see either.

EvaTheOptimist Wed 22-Jan-14 22:02:44

He makes you feel like you're in the wrong.

That's not fair on you OP.

If you do end the relationship you can feel like you're in the right, for ever more!

WitchWay Wed 22-Jan-14 22:03:44

He sounds like my husband sad

How can we help you change this daft Situation?

justmyview Wed 22-Jan-14 22:25:27

I think therapists would advise that instead of saying "you need to do ............. or we're finished", it's better if you say "I'm thinking my position and I'm not sure I want to stay in a relationship with someone who ..........."

That way, you're not pressuring him to change (which could cause resentment) but if he wants to keep you, then he knows what he has to do (ie it's his choice, his control)

justmyview Wed 22-Jan-14 22:26:46

and another way to look at it is - if someone treated you like that on your first date, would you go back to see them again? If not, why is it acceptable just because you've been together for longer?

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 22-Jan-14 22:33:40

Just like when I pull him up on things he'll say that I'm not being very nice to him.

I don't mean to be a doormat I'm trying to be helpful by thinking he's had a long day at work, if I'm totally honest with myself i probably cook fir him to try to keep him happy as he's so damn moody after work, I'm not very self assured so I question myself on everything and what I should be doing. What is the right thing to do.

Don't really know what to think from here other than I should probably end things.

One thing I will definitely not be doing now though is flapping over his mealtimes, I will just sort myself and ds out and if he can't be bothered to communicate with me he can live on chips, and I won't feel guilty over it.

maras2 Wed 22-Jan-14 22:55:50

OP why are you not listening.Every single poster has advised you to dump this lazy, rude part time cocklodger and you whitter on about not cooking and him living on chips.Read all of your previous posts about his shitty behaviour toward your DS and his on line infidelity then think on.

Ok, stop flapping over his meals. Stop wasting food, if he can't confirm he'll be there to eat it, don't make it.

And stop with the washing. Why on earth would you do laundry for someone who doesn't live with you?

If you're struggling for reasons, just say No I can't afford it. Full stop end of discussion. Stick to your guns.

If he brigs his stuff back why are you letting him in?? If he had a key and is just bringing his stuff back, get the locks changed! Don't answer the door! This man is a waste of life.

Mellowandfruitful Wed 22-Jan-14 23:44:32

maras2 I totally agree (though I haven't read the previous threads) but by the fact the OP has posted this thread tonight, she doesn't seem ready to go straight to breaking up at this exact point. So I think realistically the OP needs to build herself up to that and to gain strength by acting on her emerging feelings and starting to question the behaviour of her bf so that she can see clearly for herself his desire to manipulate her into guilt for no reason. (Sorry for talking about you in the 3rd person, OP.)

I hope the 'not answering the door' phase won't be too far away, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

aquashiv Wed 22-Jan-14 23:49:10

Do you see a long term relationship with this looser man?

Tell him that from now on he can't:
Come round very night . You need some time out.
That you are not cooking his tea, if he does come round eat first.
He cannot cook at your house.
He washes his own clothes. On his own house.

You are not his mother. He is not a child. He does not support you financially, I'm guessing there is not partnership or quid pro quo.

So he can have your company. But that's it. The rest of it is his own responsibility. Stop letting him manipulate you.

I'm betting his response to the above will speak columns!

He makes you feel bad. sad This is not what decent human beings, and decent men do. What decent men do is think about how they can make their partners happy. Sometimes that will be beans on toast together - sometimes he will take you out for a meal but whatever it is a decent man will be thinking about you being happy - he will respect you, and treat you with consideration and love.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 06:43:10

You are all right of course I think I'm just so used to all his behaviours that they aren't as shocking to me as they are to others. So I just need to get my head in a place where I say enough is enough.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 06:47:13

And I'm just far too soft as if I say I've had enough he ends up saying sorry and that things will change, which they do for a little while, but I'm crap at standing my ground over anything.

ZillionChocolate Thu 23-Jan-14 06:54:24

What things has he promised to do in the past and now wriggled out of? It's difficult to see what you're getting out of this relationship.

Aha, but that is what we are for, to help you to stand your ground.
What are you afraid of? We can help with that.

Can you start one thing at a time? Maybe not change everything all at once and then slip back again, but slowly introduce new ways of behaving and mean it and stick to it.

Is it a lack of confidence? Worry that you will lose him? Afraid of an argument? Think you are less important than him?

Talk to us

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 23-Jan-14 07:03:05

Dear me. OP, what on earth are you playing at?

Either you are secretly enjoying this charade or you need to actually get all his stuff together, have it in a bin bag outside the door and start having some fucking pride in your life by telling him to fuck off to the furthest side of fuck and never fucking grace your house with his fuckwittery again.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 07:03:35

Zillion, things like moving in, it's always happening 'in a few weeks', promising to stop telling lies, then I find out he's lied about something really stupid, promising to stop letting me down at the last minute. All sorts really.

I think the things I am afraid if are being lonely, not having the confidence to do things alone or just me and ds, so feeling dependant on him, missing the good times, worrying he'll meet someone else and treat her better than me.

Not reasons to stay I'm sure.

JupiterGentlefly Thu 23-Jan-14 07:10:39

I am glad he hasn't moved in! You've been lucky in that respect!

Aha! The fear of being's a bugger isn't it.
What are you afraid about being alone? Let's have a little go at unpicking that one first.
Money?sex?companionship?status?loneliness? (not necessarily in that order?)

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 07:14:51

Probably all of the above norks, what you've got to remember is I KNOW he's taking the piss, but we do have the good times iyswim?

I am also afraid of being driven slowly insane by his behaviour towards me though.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 23-Jan-14 07:15:51

You are not responsible for his bad behaviour. You won't be able to change it either. Only he can do that.

The only thing you can do is be responsible for your own behaviour and how you respond to his behaviour. You can carry on in the same pattern or you can change the pattern by changing your behaviour. It isn't easy but you do have choices.

If you were my friend or DD I'd be strongly advising you to ditch him because his behaviour is selfish and disrespectful and it will only get worse.

Euphemia Thu 23-Jan-14 07:16:23

On no account let this disrespectful arse move in.

Note carefully his attitude to women: women do everything and ask nothing of their men. Do you want a lifetime of that?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Thu 23-Jan-14 07:18:03

dolls, I think without him in your life you would feel a lot more confident.

You are describing an emotionally abusive relationship - he is making you feel responsible for his happiness.

He is forcing you to cook for him by being moody and unpleasant if you don't.

How about, instead of worrying that he'll meet someone else, you could try thinking that you meet someone else who treats you like a real partner - cooks for you sometimes, does your washing no pw and then, helps with jobs around the house?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Thu 23-Jan-14 07:18:49

...and does things that make you happy?

princessalbert Thu 23-Jan-14 07:28:09

I don't think you will change him or that he will mend his ways. In fact, he'll no doubt get worse.

I would end it. Trust me, I have had some shit boyfriends in the past, but I wouldn't have put up with 5 years of this.

Dump him - live man free for a while. Then have a look for a partner who can share and pull their weight.

BranchingOut Thu 23-Jan-14 07:29:57

The thing is, he is taking up the space that could be filled by someone wonderful.

merrymouse Thu 23-Jan-14 07:35:07

As scary as alone might be, isn't it more scary to imagine the rest of your life with this man, things never changing, you always wondering whether he will actually turn up, your son seeing you being treated like a doormat, having to live according to the feelings and opinions of a twat, for no better reason than that he expresses them and you can't get your brain out of automatic "be nice" mode.

AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 23-Jan-14 07:38:58

You said you have friends. You have a DC. You will not be "alone." You will be "on your own." That is completely different. "On your own" means able to make your own decisions to your own timetable. For example, having tea when it suits your schedule, not holding off because you're worried that someone's going to rock in just after you've eaten wondering where his tea is. hmm

He won't collect his own things if we break up but that's another story. I dropped them round to him once and he bought them all back.

This baffles me. I gather that he has a key? Very simple. Change the locks. Do NOT give him a key. Take his things, put them in a box and either return them to his mummy or drop them off on his doorstep. Then go home, ring him and tell him it's over, and do NOT let him in.


AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 23-Jan-14 07:39:31

And being on your own is soooo much better than being with someone who treats you like shit.

MrsKCastle Thu 23-Jan-14 07:50:50

OP I can understand that you're scared of change, scared of being on your own. But honestly, aren't you more scared of just seeing your life slip away as you continue to serve this useless man? Can you see yourself in 5 or 10 years, still waiting for him to move in, still trying to keep him happy because his work makes him moody? What a chilling vision.

Go out tomorrow and change the locks. Pack his stuff up, dump it on his doorstep. Text him to let him know it's over, and don't let him back in the house. Ever. If you think he might kick off, ask a friend to come over the first evening.

Longdistance Thu 23-Jan-14 08:04:59

You have wasted far too much time with this cocklodger. Do yourself a favour, get some black bags, and boxes, and pack his shit up.

When he arrives tonight, if he asks what for dinner, tell him it's dog shit on toast, and throw his crap at him, slamming the door behind him.

Nothing like a lightbulb moment.

MellowAutumn Thu 23-Jan-14 08:35:52

Don't waste food on him and don't waste your life on him -

As branching said - he is taking up the space that could be filled by someone wonderful

And don't go for a half way house - this is not a few things that need to be sorted or a few boundaries that need adjusting.

He will not change and I don't think you will either till you kick his arse into touch.

I can't see that a half way house will help you at all - you need an extermination policy with this guy - a complete break so you can heal and get you gitradar realigned.

BakerStreetSaxRift Thu 23-Jan-14 08:40:39

Dolls, I know your previous threads, I think you're slowly coming round to the idea that this is not, in any way, a good relationship. This man has no respect for you, has no interes in being a team with you, and is so self absorbed it's scary. This won't ever change.

You will feel better once you have cut him loose. There are a million better people out there. I actually read your lists of things he has done with my jaw hanging.

You have a lovely home, a lovely son, a good set up with your own life working around your DS. This selfish, manipulative man adds nothing that you couldn't easily find somewhere else (in time) but without all the shit.


The people on the Relationships board can support you through the first scary bit.

MidniteScribbler Thu 23-Jan-14 08:45:57

The only reason he has you cooking and washing for him is because his mummy finally grew a pair and said no. Take a leaf out of her book.

Onefewernow Thu 23-Jan-14 08:47:14

" but we do have the good times". So? You can have a good times with anyone sometimes.

You also have many bad times.

The key issue here is whether you are ready to decide you deserve better. If you know he treats you badly often and you won't end it because sometimes he doesn't, really nobody else can help.

There isn't a third option - that you can change him magically into what you want. Too many people mistakenly believe that there is.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 09:05:43

That was really kind bakerstreet.

I kind of know it must be awful to be getting this kind of reaction, especially in aibu.. And I know I'm on edge all the time, I feel as though I'm sort of hopping around hoping he will become nicer, and trying not to rock the boat. Then I have a moment where I think hang on, what am I doing here?

Like over this meal business, it honestly never occurred to me how selfish and disrespectful it is, and what a no win situation it is, then I had a bit of a moment where I thought it's just bang out of order to let me make his tea, knowing I have ds to sort out to, then make out I am unreasonable just for wanting a rough idea what time he's coming. It's a joke.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 09:09:47

Trouble is now, he knows I'm pissed off so he will either give the silent treatment it he will send text messages making me out to be the bad guy. Even if I was to say it's over collect your things, he will ignore me or be difficult until he's ready to press reset, meaning I've suffered enough and worn down and frustrated enough to just give in.

Only1scoop Thu 23-Jan-14 09:12:34

I havn't read any of your previous posts, but the excuses you keep making sound like you are not ready to end the relationship.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 09:23:39

Maybe you are right but I know that things are not good and I want to do the right thing for myself so how do I make myself ready?

ThePost Thu 23-Jan-14 09:28:38

Bag all his things up for him them, leave them on the front doorstep and text him to let him know where he can collect them. He is a complete user.

JupiterGentlefly Thu 23-Jan-14 09:31:07

I'd like to bang you on the head and give you a bug Cwtch at the same time. I have tolerated ans accepted similar behaviours from ea men and driven myself insane questioning and shouldering all the blame for my poor behaviour (which of course was not) I don't know how I had my epiphany I think it was reading baggage reclaim, but that's when I realised the problem was him. It changed the way I felt when the barrage of messages starred. I almost found them amusing but definitely pathetic and controlling.
I hope this is your epiphany too. Good luck

Only1scoop Thu 23-Jan-14 09:32:02

Sounds like you crave a family life with him and are just 'putting up' with him and your monotonous life together. If you carry on your dc will grow up thinking this is all normal.

Kerosene Thu 23-Jan-14 09:37:48

At this stage, does it matter to you if he thinks you're the bad guy? He's a complete cocklodger - the occasional pub lunch doesn't pay for you being his personal short-order cook/skivvy. You know you're not the bad guy - that he's been taking advantage of you and been completely unreasonable. We know you're not the bad guy. But it's important to this kind of person that they never consider that they might be in the wrong, no matter what kind of mental pretzels they have to twist. It's important to him that he's not The Bad Guy, because then he might have to do some self-examination and realise that he's been shitty, and that would never do. His lack of self-awareness is not your problem, so don't add it to your burden.

I do think you'd be better off if you were able to make use of his blanking you. Bag up his stuff, take it to his mother's house and leave it there, so he doesn't have an excuse to come over and demand your time. Block his number and ignore his visits. You'll get better from this, and it's easier not to be lonely when you're waiting on someone else's whim.

When I was going through a similar thing, this gif gave me a good mental image I could call on when I felt obliged to someone else's unreasonable attitude. I give no bothers regarding their impotent sulking and tantrums. It can take a bit of practice, but you can do the same.

Jesus, are you with my ex? He was exactly the same, a simple "what time will you be here" was nagging him, and when he stayed away for hours more than he'd said he would, it was because I'd "started" and he "couldn't be arsed with the shit"
- yet when I was out on a planned evening with friends/family, he was CONSTANTLY on the phone to me, I could never just go out and have a good time.

He wouldn't eat: Pork; chicken; eggs; vegetables; cheese; tomatoes; meat on the bone.
If ever I dared to make me and my dcs a meal with any of the above ingredients, he would demand "And what am I supposed to eat then?"

I think you are on the right path toward grabbing back your dignity and getting shut of this cock lodger, just keep thinking back to that: "I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a friend"
And as for comparing you to your parents - do you WANT the life they've had?!
Would your mum want you to follow her path?
It's not the 70's anymore!!

I wish, I wish, I WISH I'd had MN when I met my malignant cocklodger.
Don't go throwing good years after bad.


All the very best to you. x

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 23-Jan-14 09:49:16

Dolls do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how he should act towards women? Keep that in mind when you're dealing with with boyfriend.

And no he shouldn't just roll up whenever he likes with no warning and expect dinner to be on the table. You manage to work as well and be a parent to your son, if anything he should be making you dinner. But you can't change him to make him see that two adults in a relationship should both be (over time) giving equal effort to each other. And he should be being considerate and making sure you don't waste food or go to effort when he isn't going to even bother turning up. Its a basic lack of respect for you.

In theory there is nothing wrong with dinner on the table when someone walks in, I do it for DH myself most evenings. But he tells me if he's going to not be in as soon as he knows and he washes up every evening in return. There's give and take. What are you being given?

alwaysworryingmum Thu 23-Jan-14 09:49:49

Think about what your children are learning about relationships from watching you and your boyfriend - how to behave toward others etc. Would you want your children growing up and treating/being treated the same and imagining that it is ok as they don't know any better.

This is how I forced myself to take a stand and stop putting up with the rubbish my DH thought was acceptable. I didn't want my daughter thinking women must act as servants and do all cooking, cleaning, washing as well as work FT whilst Daddy ruled as King.

nellieellie Thu 23-Jan-14 10:00:40

This sounds very unsympathetic, but his behaviour is basically continuing because you are letting it. He will never change - because he does not have to. You are letting him behave like this. You come across as a meek, needy woman. He has found the perfect meek, needy woman with little self-esteem to let him lead his selfish, manipulative life. He does something unreasonable, you murmur protest, he acts the wounded party, you toe the line. things go on, he continues to be unreasonable, you murmur protest, he acts the wounded party, you toe the line........things go on. Meanwhile, your DC watches and, if a boy is being educated on how to be a man and keep women in line. If a girl, she is learning to be a doormat, meek and needy with little self-esteem. Or, maybe, she will see things for what they are and come to despise you for what she sees as your weakness. Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming you for his behaviour. He alone is responsible for that and the way he treats you, but men like that always find women like you.
You have a choice, continue in your pattern of behaviour, that he has trained you into like some lapdog, or ACT on your knowledge that it is not fair or reasonable. Don't wait for him to change- he won't, why would he - he has got what he wants and you where he wants you. Don't whinge on that he won't accept it if you get rid of his stuff - as everyone has already said, ACT on it, get the locks changed - a locksmith can come out the same day you phone.
Your excuses do indicate you are not ready to leave him.
Get support from friends, counsellor - crikey get a self-help book on being assertive! Good luck,

pictish Thu 23-Jan-14 10:06:22

Good post nellie.

dawntigga Thu 23-Jan-14 10:15:32

Dear Goddess woman, it's time to pick up your bowling ball. There's not a single post saying what you are doing is a good thing. You know it, we know it. Tell him to get with the program or ship out. You are worth more than this.


jay55 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:18:28

Any chance you could break up with him then go away somewhere with your son for the weekend? Or week if you timed it with half term. So you're more likely to stay resolved.

At least plan some out the house activities for you and your child, turn your phone off and stop being there waiting for the inconsiderate sod.
Even if it's just visiting friends for coffee.

Ok, the first thing you need to do is work out why you thought that his behaviour was ok. Because if isn't and never was ok. The thing to change first is your expectations of a relationship. A good relationship is based on mutual respect and caring for each other, not one looking after the other to their own detriment.

So, change your expectations, and if he doesn't meet the minimum requirements tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and to change it or bugger off. I'm guessing he'll whine like mad, try a huge guilt trip, and then run for the hills when he understands you won't be his doormat any more.

Good luck.

MostWicked Thu 23-Jan-14 10:32:08

His complete lack of courtesy around letting you know when he is coming over, is just an indicator of the value he places on you. You are not an equal to be treated with love and respect, you are staff and will fit in around his needs.

You deserve better.

pictish Thu 23-Jan-14 10:39:58

Let's face it - the guy is a complete fucking disaster isn't he? He has grown up watching his passive mother play slave to his selfish dad, and his notions of what constitutes a relationship are now deeply wrong, and entrenched. He will never change, he will never wise up, he will never learn to respect women.
He's a dyed in the wool misogynist.

It's a waste of your time OP. Unless you want to be his cringing minion for the rest of your life, you may as well do the right thing by your kids, and kick his ridiculous arse to the kerb. If you don't, your kids will grow up with the same warped attitude to love as your master there has.

Don't do it to them...but most of all don't do it to yourself!

MomsStiffler Thu 23-Jan-14 10:40:50

Unfortunately you're sounding like exactly the sort of woman a caveman would love. You're doing everything for him, he travels from Mum to You without noticing the difference because you're both the same!

He brings nothing to this apart from the odd "good time" which, TBH you could get from going out with mates (are you allowed to do that?).

It'll be scary at first, but changing the locks, putting his stuff outside & getting a new SIM card will be the start of a much happier life for you!

nauticant Thu 23-Jan-14 10:42:44

I think the advice given by BakerStreetSaxRift is good.

OP, why don't you start a thread in Relationships in which you start with saying that you think you want to end a relationship and then discuss all (that you are comfortable with) of the things that are wrong and so that posters there can help you see with new eyes what the whole of the relationship really looks like and understand why it's not good for you.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Thu 23-Jan-14 10:45:51

fuck me he's on to a good thing, isn't he?

He gets waited on, fed, his chores done and a warm place to sink his cock without any of the responsibilities of family life.

Don't you feel like you are being totally used here? Get angry!

BookroomRed Thu 23-Jan-14 10:49:43

Exactly what Nellie said. End this relationship for the sake of your children if not yourself. I'm fuming on your behalf even skimming the thread. Your life will be so much better without this exploitative, misogynistic knuckle dragger. You are lucky he's been dragging his heels on moving in - that would be a disaster for you!

Of course he doesn't want to - he likes life just as it is, where he has no financial or moral responsibilities for your family and household. He just has a tame woman he's brainwashed enough to do his cooking and cleaning when he deigns to show up.

You don't need to persuade him to pick up his things. Tell him it's over and leave them outside the front door. It's as easy as that. Don't postpone in the hope that you'll turn into an assertive goddess. This is the first step to making your life, and your children's lives, better. Good luck.

SlimJiminy Thu 23-Jan-14 12:24:17


Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 12:47:58

Right, well, I sent him a text message. I said that he's taking the piss and that I am letting him, I said it's over and I will be leaving his stuff outside to be collected and that if he doesn't it's not my problem. And as far as I am concerned we do not need to speak or see each other again.

He sent one back saying he doesn't know what to say as he's tired of everything.

I said he doesn't need to say anything as I'm telling him how it is. I then got angry and sent one just saying not to bother with 'you said, I said' as we both know exactly what he's playing at, and he's got no morales with all the lies and letting me run in circles after him etc.

He hasn't responded, am I really justified in dumping his stuff outside later? I KNOW he won't collect it, the alternative is dropping it to him but I won't be able to do that until the weekend and will probably just upset myself going near his house.

Namechanger102 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:50:49

You have told him what you're going to do. It's up to him whether he collects his stuff. If he doesn't collect it tonight, text him to say that the bin men are coming on and if it isn't gone by then you will be giving it to the bin men.

Well done you, by the way. You've just taken your first step on the road to being happier. thanks

WhoNickedMyName Thu 23-Jan-14 12:57:21

Don't get in to text tennis with him.

Don't text him again at all... if you do, then at least admit to yourself that you're doing it for a response, but I can promise you you're never going to get the response you really want.

Why would you even consider dropping his stuff off for him?

Dump his stuff outside, it's up to him whether he collects it or not. Don't even text him to tell him the bin men are coming.

AdoraBell Thu 23-Jan-14 13:04:03

Yes, you are justified. He knows where his things are, if he wants or needs them then he needs To collect them. That doesn't need To involve speaking To you, so don’t Get drawn into conversación if he tríes.

Well done.

I am sitting here giving you a well deserved round of applause!! He knows where his stuff will be, you have told him to collect it, if he doesnt then that is his dropping it off to him is continuing the enabling!

Well done...and move away from your phone, you dont need to text him again!!

pictish Thu 23-Jan-14 13:22:42

Well done OP.

You know he'll be along later to talk you round don't you?
He'll say anything to keep this situation going, because it's beneficial for him to. All of the perks, requiring none of the effort.
He will tell you he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone. He'll cry. He'll beg you to reconsider. He'll promise things will change...that he never realised how bad it was for you...that he would never hurt you...that he's so so sorry. He'll promise to move in right away. He'll prove it to you...whatever you want...he'll do it.

He will do and say whatever he thinks it will take to keep you under his spell and his control.

Are you ready for that?
We can help you - keep posting. x

Wow, OP, just wow! I did not expect that last post from you, very very well done. It can't have been easy. I am so impressed that you are standing up for yourself in this way.

Don't drop his stuff off. Put it all in a black bin liner (against the wet) and seriously leave it outside. You don't need to see him and it might make it more difficult for you. Do things that make it easy for you.

smile Very well done indeed.

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 13:35:25

Thank you but I think that telling him it's over and even sticking his stuff out is the easy bit. Because I'm angry.

Not listening to any promises, if that's what he does, will be more difficult.

pictish Thu 23-Jan-14 13:42:01

I agree. Being strong is one thing....staying strong is the difficult part.
Keep posting.

MrsKCastle Thu 23-Jan-14 13:48:45

I'm silently cheering at my phone! Well done.

I agree with you and pictish though- the next part will be the hardest. He won't want to give up his easy life without a fight, and he has lots of practice at making you doubt yourself. Has he got a key? If so, you really should change the locks or just put a bolt on- do it today if you possibly can. Then when he comes over (and I'm sure he will) just don't answer.

If you let him in, I bet anything he will twist your words, pile on the guilt trips and end up persuading you to 'give it another go'.

laregina Thu 23-Jan-14 13:58:24

Haven't read the whole thread but has anybody mentioned the term 'cock lodger' yet?

nauticant Thu 23-Jan-14 14:01:51

No, you're all right, no one else thought of mentioning that term.

Sa88yt1ts Thu 23-Jan-14 14:04:41

Yay! Well done you. Keep going chick.x

glasgowsteven Thu 23-Jan-14 14:06:46

Tigga - Bowling ball - simpsons - when homer bought marge a bowling ball for her birthday - that he wanted - and she learned to bowl

bigfuckoffpie Thu 23-Jan-14 14:49:31

Yay OP!

Don't you dare run his stuff over to him though - the whole point about dumping him is that you don't need to do that sort of stuff any more. Tell him it is going out the back/on the street in a bin bag just before he finishes work, and not to bother knocking. Then dump stuff as arranged, and take your DC out to the cinema for the evening.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 23-Jan-14 15:12:18

Yay OP. I nearly cheered out loud when you LTB.

DON'T capitulate! Come back and read this thread if you feel yourself wavering.

Hope you have a lovely tea tonight x

MostWicked Thu 23-Jan-14 15:13:13

Well done you. That shows strength of character - more in your little finger than he has in his entire body!

SlimJiminy Thu 23-Jan-14 15:50:42

Seriously OP - draft any texts you get the urge to send them and post them here instead! It'll have the desired effect rant-wise but you won't have the actual contact with him. Me and my friends have done this with each other before - sent each other the rants we really want to send to the wankbadgers we're dumping - it can be strangely therapeutic and you'll be surprised at how few times you actually need to do it before it's completely out of your system and you've moved on. STAY STRONG!! xx

MomsStiffler Thu 23-Jan-14 15:53:28

Thumbs Up & Hugs!

You won't look back...

Longdistance Thu 23-Jan-14 16:45:27

Don't run his stuff yo him. Dump it outside, and if it gets wet. Tough!

Euphemia Thu 23-Jan-14 17:16:00

Well done! I hope he realises you're serious.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Thu 23-Jan-14 18:08:34

Well done. Stay strong!

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 18:25:54

Well I already feel sad so I'm not doing very well really.

AdoraBell Thu 23-Jan-14 18:40:41

How many dinner's are you going To cook this evening OP, and do you have any idea what time you and DS will be there, or are you hanging around waiting for a text?

What's that? You're cooking just once for yourself and DS, and both of you are there already?

Well done OP and bon apetite. grin

MrsKCastle Thu 23-Jan-14 19:02:17

You're making a big change in your life- you're allowed to feel a bit sad. But not too much! grin

When you start to feel down, or wonder if you've made the right choice, re-read this thread- especially your own posts about how he treats you.

Nojustalurker Thu 23-Jan-14 19:22:32

Well done. Think of all that hassle you are saving yourself. Now you need to think of the lovely things you can be doing instead, playing with your son, watching the tv you want, having long bubbles baths, going to bed earlier or whatever floats your boat.

If you are feeling the urge to text him and you don't trust yourself not to thrn try deleting his number. If you feel you really need to keep his number for some reason write it on a piece of paper and give it to a rl friend and then delete the number from your phone.

TeenyW123 Thu 23-Jan-14 20:08:11

I was going to suggest you ask MN to move this thread to Relationships. But it looks like the end result is the same as you'd be advised on there. He's a cocklodger. Well done for kicking his sorry, mean, selfish arse into touch.

Now, turn your phone off, get some good t.v. on the go, eat the lovely meal you have prepared for you and your LO. Do NOT respond to any, and I mean, ANY communications with your EX boyfriend. Because there's absolutely NOTHING to say.

Get your mates round over the next few days and plan something lovely for the weekend out and about with your boy.

It may take a week, or it may take 6 months, but one day you will see your 'relationship' with the cocklodger was based on false premises.

No-one is better than anyone. Especially your shit ex boyfriend.

waterrat Thu 23-Jan-14 20:53:34

Op if you can - you would really benefit from some
Counselling. You will need help and support to move out of this abusive situation - and it is abusive.

Have a look at the BACP website you might find a counsellor that offers cheap hourly rates

There will be reasons why you have put up with this - that relate to your own family background

I agree you should start a thread in relationships for hand holding and you can talk through how you have ended up with such low confidence tht you out up with this

Dollslikeyouandme Thu 23-Jan-14 22:15:34

Kerosene I've only just looked at that dancing Winnie the Pooh, I love it!

It's just hard because one day you're thinking about what you're going to do at the weekend, this year, and then you make a decision like this and suddenly everything's changed, and even though people say it's for the best, it isn't really what I wanted (in an ideal world scenario).

pictish Thu 23-Jan-14 23:02:06

How are you faring now OP?

BakerStreetSaxRift Thu 23-Jan-14 23:41:50

You've done the right thing, Dolls.

You'll have good moments and lower moments, but they will get less and less over time, and at least you will be in control of things, rather than spending nights waiting for him to turn up for the dinner you've cooked him, or to return your call he ignored, or waiting to see if he's in a mood with you over the fact you hoovered your own home, (heaven forbid! shock ).

Take some time to enjoy yourself, in a short while you'll look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about, when you are 100% happy without him.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 07:25:03

Well seen as he hasn't responded even to say he agrees it's best to go our separate ways or bothered to collect the stuff I feel pretty hurt, and sort of a bit in limbo. But meh.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Fri 24-Jan-14 07:42:02

Hey, dolls - remember that he doesn't need to agree that it is over. You've decided it's over, and that's that.

Can you think about lovely things you can do this year, with just your little family? You'll have a bit more money now that you aren't supporting the cocklodger. Maybe make a list?

43percentburnt Fri 24-Jan-14 07:52:33

Well done dolls. Did he collect his stuff?

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 07:54:31

No he hasn't collected his stuff

PrincessChick Fri 24-Jan-14 08:05:07

I've just read your thread and wanted to give you some thanks for your courage and strength. Not easy to put to an end an abusive situation and walk away from a 5 year relationship. Of course you're going up feel sad as well as empowered. It will be a swirl of emotions. But you have absolutely done the right thing for you and your son. You would feel even more horrible if your son treated his significant other like this in years to come having learned it from your ex. I don't know you but from what I've read I'm really proud of you. Keep strong doll, you deserve so much better. Xxxx ps as others have said, delete his number xxx

ArsePaste Fri 24-Jan-14 08:29:39

Whee! Go you, OP! I did a little dance in my chair when I saw you'd sent that text! Not going to lie, it'll hurt for a while, but, you've made the decision not to be a doormat anymore, you just have to keep making that decision now. It'll be the best thing you ever do, I promise.

The fact he hasn't even properly responded, rang you or done anything tells you everything you need to know.

Keep his stuff outside - if it gets nicked or rained on that's his fault. Make sure he hasn't got any keys.

Don't let him treat you like a cook and convenient laundry woman for another five years. The odd pub meal and treat at the weekend does not constitute a relationship here.

Only1scoop Fri 24-Jan-14 08:44:04

I wonder if he doesn't actually believe you will go through with this and he's just going to rock up tonight for his food....

eddielizzard Fri 24-Jan-14 09:06:24

stay strong. leave stuff outside.

you know if you take him back he might improve for a bit but then sink back again. it's who he is.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 09:26:29

I could be wrong, but I actually think that what he's trying to do is press the reset button.

Whenever we come close to commitment, or to him having to treat me like an equal partner, or I start to express unhappiness about something, he will try to reset us to default.

The not responding is a good tactic because it leaves me to sweat, to wonder. Then perhaps he will say sorry next week or whenever and offer to take me out and a will be so grateful/relieved that I will take him back and also lay off him for a while, it buys him some more time without actually having to change his behaviour.

I could be wrong, perhaps I'll never hear from him again, but going from past experience, does this sound realistic?

waterrat Fri 24-Jan-14 09:30:21

Dolls, you say its not what you want in an ideal situation - but the 'ideal' relationship you want doesnt exist with him. So you need to leave him in order to reach the 'ideal' place where you are actually happy.

There is no point spending years waiting for someone to change and behave the way you wish they would. You are not in limbo - why are you so lacking in confidence that you need him to 'allow' you to end this relationship? I think you must have had a tough family life in order to be in this situation.

Sit down with pen and paper and make a list of all the times you have felt let down, all the broken promises.

Then make a new list, which describes what an ideal relationship would look like - someone who loves you, respects you, treats you as an equal and wants to live with you - and compare the lists.

In order to get the relationship you actually want, you have to break through the barrier of feeling sad that you have nobody to spend the weekend with. Because if you keep focusing on that, all you will ever have each weekend is a boyfriend who makes you unhappy.

Someone to spend the weekend with is not good enough - you need to focus on something really good with a man who makes you happy.

AnnieOats Fri 24-Jan-14 09:32:52

OP you did the right thing. You could have been my mother talking as my father was just the same in how he treated her. One example is that he expected his dinner on the table when he came home from work and if it wasn't he would behave like your p. She couldn't win with him because even if he finished early and it wasn't ready he would still be a git about it.

And he always blamed her so she started to believe it. She became so downtrodden that even when he started on us she wouldn't stand up for us. Please don't end up like this. You AND you DC deserve better.

He used to sulk until she gave in which is what you P is doing. He knows if he gives you the silent treatment you'll give in.

SuffolkNWhat Fri 24-Jan-14 09:57:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop Fri 24-Jan-14 10:07:15'll hear from him again ....I think it's just part of the cycle. Hope you can break it because it doesn't sound conducive with the kind of family life you are hoping for....good luck

SlimJiminy Fri 24-Jan-14 10:11:02

Great idea to make a list! Get a pen and paper and make that list now! Just making the list will be fun, never mind actually doing the things on it - what do you want to do in the next week/month/year/five years? With your DS? With your mates? Something for yourself - a course or something? Promotion at work? Days out/weekend breaks/holidays? The possibilities are endless - and you don't have to ask anyone's permission or worry about someone else's reaction to your plans - you're free as a bird! Amazing!!

You're bound to feel sad. Ending a relationship can somehow feel like you've failed. But you really haven't. Stay strong. Don't get caught up in texts/calls/conversations with him. Block him on Facebook or whatever. Ignore any gossip about his new love interests. Move on. Set high standards and don't lower them for any man.

Don't look back!!

Pigeonhouse Fri 24-Jan-14 10:12:16

Analyse exactly why you feel sad. (I agree some counselling would be great here.) Because nothing you've said about this relationship suggested there was anything enjoyable or beneficial to you in it - he exploited you endlessly, used you as a 1950s mother he could have sex with, didn't want to move in with you, lied, messed you about re whether he deigned to show up or not in the evening -and didn't even do a very good job of covering any of this up with a pretence of love or commitment.

His lack of response to you ending the relationship suggests how little he thinks of you. It's possible from what you say that he doesn't believe you are serious, and think that when he clicks his fingers in a week, you'll come crawling back begging to wash his boxers and make him dinner.

Do not even think about taking him back. What you are sad about is your lack of a happy, fulfilling relationship, but the one you have just left was not that relationship! You have done the best thing you possibly could to ensure your happiness in future, to give a stable environment and a good example for your kids. Good for you.

SlimJiminy Fri 24-Jan-14 10:22:25

A little P.S.

There's no way he thinks you mean this. Use that to your advantage - you have say, a week or so to work on your 'this is the end' mindset. Use the time that he's not trying to contact you to build up a picture of what your future's like without him. Plan something fun for you and DS this weekend - go out and enjoy yourself and don't mope around over-thinking everything. You have everything to gain and absolutely NOTHING to lose by leaving him.

I mention that week because when he does realise you mean business, he'll try everything to get you back - promising to change, flowers, gestures, whatever - don't give in. Don't even entertain it. "I just want to talk" - NO. "Hear me out" - NO. "Just five minutes" - NO. No talking. No discussion. Just focus on the freedom you have and the kind of man you deserve.

P.S. IME the first 2 weeks are the hardest. It all gets easier and easier each day after that and before long you'll look back and think "why?/urgh!"

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 10:34:04

OP - your assessment of his behaviour there, is correct. You know what's going on...and it's high time you started listening to your own evaluation of the situation. You. Are. Right!

The problem is, you keep allowing him to turn things on their head so you are left questioning yourself.
I have no doubt whatsoever that throughout your relationship, when he presents his stance, he will seem perfectly logical and rational to you, and you end up thinking "maybe he's got a point" and "yeah he's right...I DO do that" and he will be very convincing the point where you will accept that you are to blame...either wholly or partially.

Manipulative people are very good at that. They are incredibly driven to find the angle to come in at that will allow them to regain control of the situation. This is why it is really difficult for people to extract themselves from abusive relationships.

The problem with it is, is that he is absolutely convinced that he is in the right. He models his relationships on his parents because that is what he has learned. Therefore, he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour - he views it as normal and acceptable, and no amount of protest from you, or attempts to make his see differently will have any effect on that. He will possibly make noises about changing or seeing your pov for as long as it takes for you to shut up and get back in line, then he will carry on as before. This is because deep within himself, he genuinely believes that his conduct is just fine.

Well you know it isn't, and you have got to start listening to yourself! Look at all these people here backing you up! We ALL agree with you! ALL of us!

I agree that he is trying to make you sweat, and will be hoping if he stonewalls you for long enough you will be so overwrought you will drop the whole thing.


nauticant Fri 24-Jan-14 10:34:05

There's no way he thinks you mean this.

I tend to agree. In his head he'll be thinking that if he leaves you for a short while you'll "calm down" and then he'll be able to knock on your door and be allowed back in. After all, he'll think, that worked fine in the past.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 24-Jan-14 11:23:03

It does sound realistic.

and it means it is down to you to not get sucked back in.

he is probably expecting that you cant live without him hmm and he can magnanimously forgive you and graciously permit you to resume servicing him (in every sense of the word...)

you are the one who is going to have to not let that happen.

Longdistance Fri 24-Jan-14 13:41:44

I agree that he may not be taking it seriously. If he hasn't collected his stuff by Sunday, text him saying ' if you don't collect your stuff by the end of the week, it goes in the bin'.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 13:47:48

Well he's just text saying he didn't mean for this to happen and he just wants me to be nice to him but that I don't get it.

The thing is I AM nice to him. I'm bit saying I'm perfect but the only time that I'm not nice is when he lies to me and breaks his promises/lets me down.

Sa88yt1ts Fri 24-Jan-14 13:50:33

Stay strong OP. He does not deserve you. You and your dc deserve more than him.xx

Only1scoop Fri 24-Jan-14 13:57:14

Of course he would say that. He is like a child. You cook for him do his washing etc etc. Please just be nice to him whilst he is treating you like a doormat....and then you can just carry on as you are.

He doesn't think you mean it.

He sounds pathetic....what a turn off.

Don't keep the cycle's down to you Dolly.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 14:01:37

I think you 'get it' perfectly well.

The message he is basically conveying to you is this...

I want you to accept whatever I choose to dish out to you without complaint. You should not expect anything from me unless I choose to give it. Do not critisise my bad have no right to decide how you want to be treated. Do not stand up for yourself. Your role is to serve me and do as you are told.

That is what he means by 'be nice to me'.

He is not even slightly interested in being nice to you though. All he can see is what he thinks you should be doing for him. He hasn't a notion of what he should be doing for you in return.

It's all about him. What he expects and wants from a relationship. Your needs and opinions are superfluous. His are priority.

Do you see what I mean?

Whatisaweekend Fri 24-Jan-14 14:01:39

"He just wants me to be nice to him"????!!!!!!!

Treat you like dirt more like!!

Stay strong. Do you have any plans this w/e? If not, get on the phone and book in a lunch with friends/meet at the park to play/film and take away at yours or whatever. Surround yourself with friends/family and don't go back!!


SuffolkNWhat Fri 24-Jan-14 14:04:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia Fri 24-Jan-14 14:05:09

Well done Dolls. Stay strong.

"he didn't mean for this to happen" = he thought he'd be able to push you a lot further before the free meals, sex , and emotional punchbag disappeared this time.

"he just wants me to be nice to him"= he just wants you to shut up and continue to provide free food, sex and emotional punchbag duties without complaint and without actually having any control over your own life.

Doesn't matter what he wants or what he meant. You are in charge now.

Don't respond, don't argue, don't explain, don't let him in. You now have the opportunity to make plans for you and DS this evening , doing what you both want and eating when you like.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 14:10:30

"I didn't mean for this to happen"

Translation...I didn't expect this to happen. You're supposed to be my doormat, and I am astonished and dismayed that you have stopped!

Chivetalking Fri 24-Jan-14 14:11:08

He just wants you to be nice to him = He doesn't want his cosy, convenient set up imploding.

You've done brilliantly so far. Stay strong OP smile

stickysausages Fri 24-Jan-14 14:11:17

Well done OP. Stay strong! My first thought reading your OP was a secret other life or relationship.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 24-Jan-14 14:12:10

He means that he wants you to continue to cook for him, wash for him, be his company when he decides he wants it, never ever utter a word of complaint or a request or demand, be thankful for his mere presence on your sofa, fall to your knees in worship, never expect that he will participate in any sort of family life or contribute financially to the running of the home that he thinks is his personal hotel and smile at all times. (please tell me you don't give him a 'few quid here and there' or that he doesn't run up phone or internet useage bills at your house?)

Oh, and have sex with him when he requires it of course.

Now, if that's ok with you, you're a big girl and that's your choice.

But it seems like you are being treated like a fool to me.

MrsKCastle Fri 24-Jan-14 14:17:20

'Just wants me to be nice to him'

Oh the poor man. My heart bleeds for him. grin

Amazing how he can turn it all around in his head, making out that he's the reasonable one. He obviously won't admit that he could possibly be in the wrong.

Stay strong, don't engage and definitely follow previous suggestions of making some positive plans for yourself- something to look forward to.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 14:24:20

Btw - he will genuinely feel that he is being short changed here. In his head, a woman cooks, cleans and opens her legs, and does as she is asked. His sense of entitlement is such that he will feel wounded and confused by your insubordination.

You can't have had enough of his shit. You must be confused...and obviously you don't get it.

eddielizzard Fri 24-Jan-14 14:29:43

yes, and the only thing you want is for him to treat you with RESPECT.

but he doesn't get it.

Trills Fri 24-Jan-14 14:29:51

He wants YOU to be nice to HIM?!

Trills Fri 24-Jan-14 14:35:27

No, this isn't what you wanted, but what you wanted required HIM to change. And he doesn't want to. Or can't.

You can only choose between options that are possible, and I think you have made the best choice.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 14:52:11

OP I do sympathise with how you must be feeling right now. You are a kind, giving, loving person who balks at causing anyone an ounce of heartache. It must be very difficult for you to go against your natural passive grain.

But you see...people like him take full advantage of people like you.
You deserve someone who celebrates these attributes, instead of exploiting them.

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 24-Jan-14 15:06:05

Please don't cave, even though you hate hurting people. It's quite clear he just wants to reset to your default mode of you running round after him, desperate to please him. He is used to getting his own way, and doesn't like the fact you're growing a backbone. Stay strong. You deserve better.

Pigeonhouse Fri 24-Jan-14 15:22:01

Dear god, this really is all about him, isn't it? He's all sulky and wounded that you've withdrawn your sexual, laundry and culinary services. You've been being nice to him all along, and what did it get you? Being taken for granted by a charmless, graceless, selfish overgrown child.

Hold strong, Dolls. Do you really just want to get meekly back on the joyless merry go round that is your relationship with this man, knowing perfectly well what will happen? A bunch of petrol station flowers and then back to him not even bothering to let you know when or if he's showing up for his free meal?

HazleNutt Fri 24-Jan-14 15:23:20

Don't cave, he is not a nice man. I actually got goosebumps whe i read that you are doing all those things for him so he would be nice, as he's otherwise so grumpy after work.
I've been there. Worrying the whole day if he's in a good mood or if I've done something wrong again (I never knew I was able to do so many things wrong) and he would be moody and grumpy. Walking on eggshells. Bloody exhausting.

(I have a lovely, lovely, nice and caring DH now, who does as much for me than I do for him).

MostWicked Fri 24-Jan-14 15:35:00

See the only thing he is interested in is what HE wants.You don't understand what HE needs.

He hasn't shown any interest in what you want or need or understanding what it is like for you.

He didn't mean for this to happen, but he's not sorry that it did and he has no interest in doing anything about it.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 24-Jan-14 15:50:28

Best not to reply - but here is one for if you did:

'You're right, I don't get it. I am already nice to you. So as that's not enough, we clearly don't belong together. Good luck in the future'.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 24-Jan-14 15:54:15

Just to be clear, that's a 'don't bother me again' text not a getting him back one. Don't look back now you have ditched him!

You have been far nicer to him than he deserves. He sounds like a parasite. Like a tick actually, sticking his head in, getting fed, but not actually bothering to move in. Best way to treat a tick is to off their oxygen. Best way to deal with him is to cut off his access to you. Disengage, don't argue, don't give him a chance to worm his way back in. You deserve an actual relationship with someone, not being used like this.

Im still cheering for you OP...doing a little chair dance as I type smile

It is going to hurt for a bit, but you are already MUCH better off without him, he is acting like an entitled brat <blows a raspberry emoticon to OPs ex!>

TheListingAttic Fri 24-Jan-14 17:04:18

Wow! What a thread. Don't reply to him, OP. Block his number. This overgrown child is no longer a part of your life - the sooner you start thinking of him in the past tense the better.

Stay strong!

SlimJiminy Fri 24-Jan-14 17:24:10

Please, please, please don't get into any kind of discussion with him about this op - he's had five years to prove that he has any respect for you and he's failed miserably. He will never make you happy. You can't change him. Don't settle for him.

oldgrandmama Fri 24-Jan-14 18:24:54

You've had such great, pertinent and helpful advice here, OP. Please PLEASE don't weaken and let him back ... he'll try, oh boy, how he'll try. He's had it good for five bloody years and he's not going to give that up without a struggle.

Stand firm - your life begins from NOW. You KNOW, in your heart, that he won't change if you allow him back. There might be a brief 'honeymoon period' but within a week or so, it'll be same old same old.

Block his number. Change your and your locks and dump his stuff in bin bags at his mum's or just bin it. Absolutely REFUSE TO ENTER IN ANY DIALOGUE with him from now on. You have nothing to lose but a disgraceful, unpleasant, 'user'.

oldgrandmama Fri 24-Jan-14 18:26:03

meant 'Change your number and your locks ...'

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 18:57:26

I think you've hit the nail on the head about him Pictish, well most of the posts have.

It's just going to be a big change, I get a bit taken aback at how disgusted people are by his behaviour as even though I know it's wrong I'm used to it so its my normal. Plus I've had him in my ear telling me that I'm wrong or refusing to even discuss things.

I haven't replied to him as there's no point.

Only1scoop Fri 24-Jan-14 19:40:11

Keep strong dolls don't want your life to be like that for ever....thanks

Shutupanddrive Fri 24-Jan-14 19:52:47

Have been following this thread but not posted yet. Some very good advice on here op, stay strong and keep control. He probably hasn't realised yet that you mean it, don't back down when he comes crawling back (which he will in the next few days probably)

I've just caught up Dolls - looks like you've got the whole of Mumsnet behind you smile

Things will be strange for a while...but without him cocklodging you now have a chance to meet someone one day who will treat you well - you deserve that chance x

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 22:45:04

What's very hurtful is how little he cares.

He text me asking when he can have his stuff back, I said I told you anytime you can collect it from outside, he said he doesn't believe I mean it, then he said this isn't easy for him and we can at least behave like adults. Then he asked me to give him some money for a duvet cover he bought for my bed which was supposed to be our bed. So I transferred it into his bank.

I'm wondering if he's actually quite enjoying this.

Euphemia Fri 24-Jan-14 22:50:29

Stop enabling him then. Cease communication.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 22:52:11

He says you can at least behave like adults...then he goes on to demand you repay him for a duvet cover??

Sweetheart, you are sooooo well shot of this pathetic specimen. Save yourself for a gentleman...please.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 22:53:39

Yes I know, first he said when can he have his stuff don't ignore him or he'll come over. So I just reiterated that it's outside, then he started asking what else he can have, it just wound me up.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 22:55:05

I know, the irony, it's him all over though.

Dollslikeyouandme Fri 24-Jan-14 23:00:38

I'm also fairly sure that he was getting at me giving him a small household appliance, to put it into perspective it cost £20 and was given to us both as a gift for out impending moving in.

It was to live at my house however one morning he took it home without my knowledge along with some of his other things, this was about two weeks ago. I asked him why and he ended up bringing it back, I'm fairly sure he will be on about that soon. It's electrical so I haven't put it outside.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 24-Jan-14 23:10:48

He wants to take your stuff? As if your home was a shared 'marital' home that he had contributed to?

His wankery knows no bounds.

I really would get your locks changed on Monday.

PrincessChick Fri 24-Jan-14 23:11:17

Dolls he's really, really pathetic. Money for a duvet cover? Seriously?! I second the advice to just ignore him. You've told him where his stuff is. Does he have a key? If so I would be changing my locks. Think you've done amazingly well today smile

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 23:16:28

I'm very impressed at your clarity now. He's showing you exactly what sort of self serving worm he is, isn't he?

MrsKCastle Fri 24-Jan-14 23:19:50

Good grief. He has no shame. If he tries to ask for anything else, give him a bill for 5 years of dinners, plus your wages as a personal cook and cleaner.

Preciousbane Fri 24-Jan-14 23:25:48

Get your locks changed and also block his number at the very least.

Well done never let him darken your door again.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 24-Jan-14 23:27:35

Yes, definitely get the locks changed, or if it's easier/cheaper get an extra lock put on that he won't have a key for - and make sure you put that lock on all the time.

If you were going to respond to any of his pathetic claims on stuff in your house, I would be tempted to reply with 'Tell you what, I'll keep X and we'll consider that fair recompense for all the meals I have cooked you in the last year'. But, again, it is probably best to ignore (hard I know).

On the 'is he enjoying this' front, he is certainly getting something out of it, and it is not from being miserable and bereft. He is getting off on thinking of ways to needle you and make you worry you are being unreasonable - so basically business as usual for him. The best way to deal with this is not to play. If he comes round, he comes round - though there is a good chance he actually doesn't intend to but is betting that just the threat of doing so will get you to reply. Call his bluff.

Keep the chain on your door when in and use it when replying so that you know you can actually just refuse to let him in if he does show up. 'We've said all there is to say, so just take your stuff from outside', would be my repeat-endlessly-till-he-goes-away sentence in that scenario.

pictish Fri 24-Jan-14 23:28:34

Just disengage from him entirely. Tell him his stuff is outside, and if he hasn't collected it by the end of the weekend it's going in the bin for the dustmen to take. Then say no more.
The guy's a fucking tool - there's no point talking to someone like that.

If his mum and dad are so wonderful they can make his bloody dinner.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 07:16:06

I don't think he's got a key. I've never given him one but I did find one he'd had cut once without me knowing which I took straight back, I don't think there are any more.

I really can't afford to get the locks changed, well I'm assuming it's expensive?

GingerBlondecat Sat 25-Jan-14 07:36:59

get some cheep door stoppers. use them so he cannot get in. of course this will only work when you are home


FunkyBoldRibena Sat 25-Jan-14 07:47:49

If it's a yale you can get the barrel changed in 10 minutes and it costs less than a week's worth of meals for him.

If you respond again, make sure it is 'your things are getting mine and wet outside lolz'. and leave it at that. Do not give him any more money for goodness sakes.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 07:56:08

I won't be giving him any more money I only did for the duvet cover as I thought well he won't be using it, probably stupid of me but if I hadn't I'd have had a torrent of abuse about how I've used him and him listing all the things he's ever bought for me. Which he'll probably still do anyway.

And even though yes he's stayed at mine all this time for free he has always paid for lots of other things so feel it equals out.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sat 25-Jan-14 08:14:43

If he was nice to you, you wouldn't have dumped him. Block his number on your mobile and ignore.
It's hard to disengage from the back and forth. Don't give him that headspace. Your first reaction might not be the best one so give yourself some space. thanks

Livvylongpants Sat 25-Jan-14 08:15:19

Just read this whole thing and wow!! Your doing really well believe me in a few weeks/months you'll wonder what you ever saw In him and be relieved

Preciousbane Sat 25-Jan-14 08:46:43

He had a key cut without your knowledge! Get that lock changed for sure, he may have had more than one copy.

I have read some real horror stories on here about the way women are treated and yours will remain with me.

AnnieOats Sat 25-Jan-14 09:55:12

OP depending on the type of lock you have you should be able to take it out and replace with another. I did this when I moved into my house. I think they cost about £16 or so. There's lots of videos on youtube if you want to have a look.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 10:21:39

I'm so fucking angry he's text saying he thinks we need to speak I asked what about he said he'll ring me tonight, he's such a piss taking little weasel, I've said it's over but he just seems to think he will be able to click his fingers when he's ready.

Worse still he 'wants to talk' but clearly not as a priority, how fucking dare he?

Tell me, seen as he STILL hasn't collected his crap and clearly has no intentions and it's taking up space in my porch. would I be justified in taking it all straight to the charity shop or the tip as I'm sick if looking at it.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 10:23:15

It's quite clear to me that me breaking up with him is working in his favour as he gets a weekend away from having to pretend he's part of my family and he quite clearly thinks that he can just pick up where he left off when he's bored.

JupiterGentlefly Sat 25-Jan-14 10:26:50

Disengage. Easier said than done I know. We need to talk means ' I need to talk you round'

BlueGoddess Sat 25-Jan-14 10:27:13

If I was you, I would text back and say that it isn't convenient to talk tonight. I would also tell him that unless his stuff is gone off your doorstep by Sunday at 8pm then it will be going in the bin.

Keep strong - you can get this cocklodger out of your life cake

Trills Sat 25-Jan-14 10:27:28

He thinks it's in his favour.

But it doesn't matter what it is to him.

It matters what it is to you.

stickysausages Sat 25-Jan-14 10:28:25

No, leave his stuff for now. He sounds the type to report it as a bloody theft or provide receipts for you to reimburse him!!

krasnayaploshad Sat 25-Jan-14 10:29:08

OP, seriously do not engage in conversation with him. When he says "we need to talk" don't ask him what about, just keep repeating "there's nothing to talk about"

He is trying to take control of the situation & you are letting him.

Good luck.

stickysausages Sat 25-Jan-14 10:29:12

Agree with the above though, give him a deadline to collect it.

MrsKCastle Sat 25-Jan-14 10:30:31

Don't bin his stuff yet, but give him a deadline, as BlueGoddess suggests.

As for talking, just text back: I have no wish to talk to you. It's over. There is nothing more to say.

Don't answer if he calls.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 10:32:21

He has got no intentions of collecting it though, he's leaving it here ready for when he comes back.

He won't believe I'll bin it today tomorrow or anytime so it won't make a difference.

SuffolkNWhat Sat 25-Jan-14 10:35:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKCastle Sat 25-Jan-14 10:37:12

The difference it makes is that it gives you the moral highground. Binning his stuff with no warning could be considered theft. Binning his stuff having given him a very clear deadline= reasonable, and shows that you mean what you say. Honestly better to do it this way- don't give him ammunition to make you out as a hysterical woman.

tigermoll Sat 25-Jan-14 10:38:30

I'm delurking to say how brilliant I think you are being, Dolls, and how impressed I am at your actions - well done and hurrah for you!

I've been following the thread since the beginning with a sinking feeling - I have a RL friend who is (sort-of) going through the same thing, except she isn't ready to see the full extent of her partner's behaviour (long story, but controlling, belittling, destroying her stuff, etc) and I keep hoping she'll LTB but she never does. I don't want to lose her as a friend by saying 'you're being an idiot and he'll never change' cos then I'll just be helping with his plan to isolate her, but sometimes I just want to shake her. .

Your courage and fortitude in ending the relationship and sticking to your guns gives me hope that my RL friend might one day do this also, so thank you, and I'm cheering you on smile

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 10:43:02

Sorry I'm just so angry I could cry he's trying to act like he's oh so reasonable.

SuffolkNWhat Sat 25-Jan-14 10:45:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinkBernardLundy Sat 25-Jan-14 10:47:35

*dolls stop. stop now. do not talk to him tonight. do not send him any more texts . ignore ignore and ignore some more.

He sounds just like my cocklodging waste of space emotionally abusive parasitic wanker of an x. he was an unflushable little turd. too.

Thatis how you need to think of him and nasty stinky little turd that is floating around on thebowl long after it was asked to leave. it us never going t turn into something appealing.

Yes you are sad. sad because you had hopes and plans that he was never going to fulfill
Part if you probably wants to continue the conversation because you hate endings because you are hoping he will realise and give you the apology you so richly deserve (he won't ) or that he will change and soared you the grief of feeling duped and of finding someone else. a turd is not capable of turning into a diamond not matter how much you polish it.

So stop. Think JADE do not justify, argue, defend or engage . you owe him nothing. ignore him and eventually he will get flushed away.

MinkBernardLundy Sat 25-Jan-14 10:48:14

Spare not soared.

MrsKCastle Sat 25-Jan-14 10:51:06

Yes, an unflushable turd! What a great way of picturing him.

Dolls, is there any way you can turn your mobile off and go out for the day? Just go for a complete change of scene, round to a friend's or out to the cinema or whatever. Don't read any more texts, don't answer the phone to him.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 10:51:55

I can't explain it but it feels like he plays me.

So like he wants to talk, but on his terms when it suits him.

He's 'busy' doing some things, the things he's doing are things which he needed to do ready to move in, so is he suggesting he's still moving in?

He refuses to give any response about collecting his things, and when I do give him a deadline and threaten with the bin if he doesn't get them by the deadline, he says I'm attacking him.

I know I'm falling for it all, I know I am. But it's easier said to disengage, I'm emotionally involved and angry, and I know how he works, so I already know what he's playing at and I will be the bad guy no matter what I do.

JupiterGentlefly Sat 25-Jan-14 10:56:01

Doing things he needed to do to move in? He is starting to sound even creepier. He is seriously busting your boundaries

JupiterGentlefly Sat 25-Jan-14 10:57:03

Just be the bad guy then. There is no reasoning with a character like this

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 11:00:37

Thanks mink.

I'm waiting in for a parcel but once it's here I can go out. Might see what's on at the cinema later with ds.

Unfortunately I haven't got any friends close enough I can just call on short notice. My family aren't great either so I'm on my own I'm afraid.

Think I do need to get out as this is taking up too much headspace and I'm getting a headache.

Dollslikeyouandme Sat 25-Jan-14 11:02:14

He hasn't said that Jupiter but he text saying he'll ring me tonight as he's busy doing x. Y and z which were things he was sorting out in his own house ready to move out.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 25-Jan-14 11:10:58

Dont talk to him if you dont feel you are strong enough to not cave in in desperate hope that his bullshit is real.

text him saying do not call me I do not wish to speak to you. This relationship is over. Your belongings are alrrady outside. If you choose not to get them by tomorrow evening, I will throw them away. If you choose not to believe this, you will only lose your belongings.

Re the electrical item - who gave it to the pair of you? If it was any relative of his - give it to him because they would have made that gift no matter who you were, it was to him. Iyswim.

if it was someone on your side, its yours because no matter who you were moving it with, it would still have been given.

or give it directly back to the giver on the grounds you are no longer moving in together. They can then do what they like with it.

DO NOT give him another penny. You are financially rewarding him for treating you like shit.

GingerBlondecat Sat 25-Jan-14 11:12:49

If he comes to the door and wont leave.............. Call the police.

Its the quickest recorse

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 25-Jan-14 11:15:03

So what if he wants to twist it in his mind into you being the bad guy? You know the truth.

people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and calling time on being used by a manipulative sponger.

Only1scoop Sat 25-Jan-14 11:19:21

Dolls don't dance to his tune anymore....hmm

justdrankacappuccino Sat 25-Jan-14 11:19:44

Flipping nora!

Well done Dolls, you are doing really well.

I think the key to getting rid of twatty selfish bastards is not to engage. Like the others say, bin day is XXX, come and collect your stuff or it goes out with the rubbish. Ignore text messages, phone calls and the doorbell.

With any luck he will go and crawl under a stone. Where he belongs!

You sound lovely by the way and far too good for this utter waste of space!!!

Mellowandfruitful Sat 25-Jan-14 11:21:25

Do not answer the phone tonight. Just do not. No matter how many times he calls. Speaking to him will not help you in any way. He is trying to bully and manipulate you - whatever you say, only his interpretation of it and his reality count. The only way to defend yourself is not to engage at all. Do not answer.

Who cares if he thinks you're in the wrong? You know you're not. Everyone here knows you're not. His judgement is totally skewed. Ignore it.

FannyFifer Sat 25-Jan-14 11:25:09

Stop texting him, text him once more.
Your belongings are on the doorstep, if they are not collected by tomorrow evening I will dispose of them, do not contact me again.

Then block and delete his number or change yours.

Do not engage further, this is what he wants.

eddielizzard Sat 25-Jan-14 11:51:50

text him:

'your things are in the porch. you've got til monday morning to fetch them and then i will be disposing of them. do not contact me again.'

then BLOCK his number. when he tries to text / call he'll see you mean business.

once your parcel is here go out for as much of the weekend as you can.

you have to not engage - he's going to try and get you to respond. he'll try everything he can. expect all sorts. outrage, how you are unreasonable. then he'll try and sweet talk you. flowers, he'll change. now he knows what he's lost blah blah blah. then he'll probably get angry when you don't take him back.

don't forget - he's standing to lose a lot by you breaking up with him. you stand to lose nothing. you are in the position of power here.

Hunfriend Sat 25-Jan-14 11:54:30

"He'll ring me tonight"

You do know that you DONT have to answer his calls or engage with him.
Stop letting him call the shots.

He is out of your life- concentrate on yourself and your DS .

pictish Sat 25-Jan-14 12:11:52 tell him it's over...and his response is to bash on with moving in!
What is wrong with this picture here doll - tell me?

nobeer Sat 25-Jan-14 12:21:23

Oh deary me. He really does seem to have some problems understanding the situation, doesn't he? Don't let him grind you down, stay strong and do what you want. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. You're in control.

pictish Sat 25-Jan-14 12:32:40

I think he fully expects to have firm control of the situation, and plans to trample over the top of anything you have to say about it.
He isn't taking you even remotely seriously, because in his head he's the boss, and he'll be the one to decide what happens thanks very much, not you.

You're right - he is absolutely playing you.

ChasedByBees Sat 25-Jan-14 12:47:21

So what if he wants to speak with you? You don't have to do what he says.

So what if he's preparing to move in with you? It's your house and he's not welcome.

He's trying to get back under your skin, but he's not even being nice and promising to change - he's telling you YOU have to change!

You do not have to engage with him. Do not speak with him, do not get into a text debate. Please. This man will wear you down and make your life a misery. As Pictish said earlier, this is the hard part. Get through this next week or so and you will feel euphoric, I promise. Euphoric and probably absolutely fucking furious that you've put up with being treated like some sub human who only exists to serve him.

The best way to deal with him is to go no contact. It'll be like leaving a cult, you have to adjust to a new normal. If you haven't already, give him a deadline to collect his stuff (bin day would be good) and tell him not to contact you again, any further contact will be considered harassment. Then that's it. There's nothing else you have to say to him, no further responsibility you have for him. He is a grown man with his own house, he can take care of himself. You are a woman with children to care for, he should have been looking after you, equally. He wasn't and he's telling you loud and clear he never will.

You will be so much happier without him. Your life will be so much fuller.

ChasedByBees Sat 25-Jan-14 12:53:35

Sorry for the epic post, it made me so angry.

I had an ex who made me feel responsible for his happiness. He wouldn't eat unless I cooked for him (towards the end I stopped and this 6 ft man dropped to 8.5 stone). I had to pay the rent and all bills (I was a FT student with two night time jobs, he was working).

I felt entirely responsible for his happiness and it totally drained me. I was a wreck when I finally kicked him out, I developed agoraphobia. He was fine, he moved onto the next poor woman - I remember being relieved that I didn't have to feel I had to look after him anymore - I was that indoctrinated! It passed quickly enough and I felt so soooo much better without him.

15 years on and I still feel total anger when I think of him.

If it helps, make that full list of all his most worthless traits. We're reacting like this from the very little you've told us. That's bad enough to get this reaction.

UrethraFranklin Sat 25-Jan-14 13:02:55

He sounds like an immature prick. I wouldn't speak to him, ignore any contact. He's used to getting what he wants and he just can't believe his puppet has cut the strings.

not saying you're a puppet but you get the jist

UrethraFranklin Sat 25-Jan-14 13:03:55

And yes, stick with your guns and not long from now, you'll wonder why you stayed with him and put up with him for so long.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Sat 25-Jan-14 13:49:34

If he keeps trying to claim things/money for things, just give him an invoice for what he's cost you in food, time, electricity etc with a seven day deadline for payment.

Please either block his number or change yours. He will try to wear you down with texts and calls.

Cerisier Sat 25-Jan-14 14:03:09

Stop texting him, text him once more. Your belongings are on the doorstep, if they are not collected by tomorrow evening I will dispose of them, do not contact me again.

This is what you need to do.

Sa88yt1ts Sat 25-Jan-14 14:38:56

You can do this dolls....we are all behind so many of others have said, you MUST limit contact. One last message, that's it. Stay strong, we know you can do it.x

MinkBernardLundy Sat 25-Jan-14 15:03:11

If he calls hang up. if he calls again unplug the phone.
Seriously,.take control, you are not the bad guy you are allowed to leave a useless rs. you not engaging with him is his just desserts.

block.him or change his number on your phone to unflushable turd or some thing similar

he will not go and treat someone else better . he will not treat you better. he will just carry on bring exactly the same draining useless parasite whoever he is with.

Don't let him.drag you in by making accusations that you have to defend or promises you hope he might keep. who gives a fuck what he thinks. he is a prick. it does not matter what your ex thinks of you it only matters that he stays your ex.

Write a list of all the shitty useless things about him. pin it to the wall and look at it any time you do much think about speaking to him and than thank your lucky stars he is no longer your problem..

No contact. it is the way to go.

missymarmite Sat 25-Jan-14 15:16:25

How is it going, OP? Please don't let this man back into your life! Been there done that, etc. you've been given some fantastic advice on here.

And who cares if you are being the bad guy anyway? Think of it like this. Be Like Halle Betty's cat woman. She was too meek and look what happened to her; murdered! Then she turned into a powerful femme fatale, and all the men fancied her!

Ok I know that's fantasy but it has an element if truth. No woman got anywhere she wanted by being nice all the time. Sexy, fair minded, strong, yes! Meek, mild and timid, no!

Nanny0gg Sat 25-Jan-14 15:17:08

Sit and plan all the things you can do with your DS, with the money you'll be saving on food now you won't be feeding that loser!

You're doing really well. Just follow the advice the other MNetters have given you. And keep reminding yourself that you're worth much more than an idiot like him.

missymarmite Sat 25-Jan-14 15:17:20

*halle berry's

WhatAFeline Sat 25-Jan-14 18:47:46

Hello Dolls, I've been following your thread and I just came on to say please don't give up, you have done so well so far. You've had some very good advice on this thread, and all of MN is behind you. I'm thinking of you and beaming strength and support to you.

43percentburnt Sun 26-Jan-14 07:12:24

Hello dolls, you are doing very well.

Do what pp have sad re texting him saying collect your stuff by x date. Do not contact me again.

Do not engage with him. Don't read his texts, they will infuriate you. My ex would bombard me with abusive messages, I remember the anxiety I would feel when his name came up as a text.

Sa88yt1ts Sun 26-Jan-14 09:34:42

Are you okay dolls? X

Divinity Sun 26-Jan-14 10:08:59

Dolls as he realizes that you mean business he will become nice, reasonable and lovely. These are tactics on his part to reel you back in. They never last long. Just enough sweet so you will endure all the sour.

The fact he is doing those jobs says he has started the nice campaign. Detach as much as you can. Limit contact with him. You are seeing his real character and are still processing all that. Be kind to yourself, ring your friends for a chat, get yourself out doing things you enjoy. All this will help you get perspective on his manipulation.

Emotionally its a rollercoaster, you'll have days thst you doubt yourself. This is just the withdrawal from his manipulation. It gets better and your life will become calmer and more enjoyable. Stick in there, you're doing great.

WhatAFeline Sun 26-Jan-14 12:42:49

How are you doing today, Dolls?

Shutupanddrive Sun 26-Jan-14 12:49:39

Checking in for any update? Stay strong

SlimJiminy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:12:50

How have things been for the last few days op ? Hope you're ok.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 09:16:18

Just wanted to say that if you have chosen to let him back in, please don't be embarrassed to come back to the thread if you need help or support. It can be very difficult to leave a manipulative man. They can convince you up is down and black is white.

So if the reason you have disappeared, is that he talked you into giving it another go, please know that you will get nothing but support whatever your choice because people do understand how hard it can be when they get inside your head.


WetDogLovesHubert Mon 27-Jan-14 09:43:07

Delurking in the hopes of an update. I hope you're ok Dolls.

oldgrandmama Mon 27-Jan-14 10:12:56

Dolls, I was thinking of you in the early hours this morning, when I couldn't sleep. I hope you're OK and I hope you haven't let that creepy shit back into your life and home.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 11:16:43

I read through the whole of the thread and got increasingly angry and now I'm worrying as well.

Whoever described this specimen as a tic got it bang on the money. All take and no thought for his host. He's undermining you and your feelings Dolls to the point of making you think you're worthless.
Why on earth would you worry about anyone else having him, they're only going to find the same problems.

You're grieving not for what you have with him, but for what you wished you had with him.
And he's an appalling role model for your DS.

I hope you've let him know that his stuff's in the porch for a limited time only and after that you'll consider it abandoned and dump it outside.
Citizens Advice will probably put you right on what you need to do to stay within the law.

The fact that he's not taken on board that you've said it's over but that he will only speak about it in his own time, is more controlling behaviour from him and has given me the rage. I hope it's given you the same feelings Dolls, you deserve better and you know you do.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 11:33:27

Dolls has dissapeared....hope she is ok.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 11:50:23

Hi I am sorry I haven't been back to update, I am ok but haven't really been able to face even reading the thread.

Things were said at the weekend that have hurt me deeply and just made me doubt myself so much I just don't know what to think anymore.

JupiterGentlefly Mon 27-Jan-14 11:54:14

Dolls sweetheart, his point of view is not valid. I am sorry he has been hurtful. If you can try and read the thread. Might give you some perspective brew too early for wine

Pigeonhouse Mon 27-Jan-14 11:56:23

Dolls, do you want to say more about what happened? Presumably this was your ex who said hurtful things? Please don't let whatever he said - which will be self-serving, obviously, as he wants the status quo back for entirely selfish reasons - derail your praiseworthy decision to end this exploitative relationship. You need to stop engaging with him, and go entirely non-contact.

Don't you see what a successful hatchet job this man has made of your self-esteem, that he has had you dancing attendance on him, despite his bad behaviour, and now he's causing you to doubt your decision to get rid of a relationship which is far less than you deserve?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 11:57:11


Just remember that it is in his interests to try to hurt and confuse you but that nobody who loves you would want to hurt you

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 11:57:58

Dolls.... thanks for coming back. When you feel ready gain some strength from some of the really sound advice you have been given on thread. I know it's hard especially when you are not 100% ready.
Thinking of you thanks

ChasedByBees Mon 27-Jan-14 12:02:22

Dolls you shouldn't doubt yourself. He is an abusive man who wants to hurt you. We'll be here when you're ready.

GingerBlondecat Mon 27-Jan-14 12:08:37

((((((((((((((((soft Hugs)))))))))))))

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 12:10:30

For what it's worth Dolls, you might not know what to think, but the rest of us think you've had a very lucky escape.

It's a very unpleasant time for you, but it won't always be like this.
When you read this take onboard advice I'm fond of repeating. While you're with the wrong man, a man who's making you unhappy, you won't have a chance to meet new people who do make you happy, people who might want an equal partner and someone to show how much they love them, not an unpaid skivvy who's downtrodden to keep them in 'their place'

He's lashing out and being cruel and spiteful just to hurt you because he's no longer the one calling all the shots and he's not getting his own way. Don't buy into it that's all it is.

Come back for support when you feel up to it thanks

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:16:06

Ok here goes.

On Saturday I told him I wanted him to collect his stuff by that night. He said he'd collect it Sunday. I said fine but I wanted it gone by then or bin day was Monday morning. He said why didn't I just grow up do the right thing and let him collect his things from inside when he's ready. I said I wanted it done and dusted and I'm not a storage unit.

He went into a full on rage. He sent me a stream of horrible texts.

He said he's got a good mind to make me give him the money back for everything he's bought me. He told me to look around the house 'he bought it' (this just simply isn't true) and he should come and take it all back,

He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore as I'm just miserable and moan, again this just isn't true. He starting referring to an incident two years ago when we went for a drink in town, we were on a busy clubby street, a bit rough and I had high heels on which I rarely wear, it was late and we were going to get some food and back to our hotel. My feet were hurting and a had a blister from the damn shoes. He was walking about four metres in front of me (which he always does whenever we go anywhere), and I was struggling to keep up and then some guys started surrounding me just being drunk and coming onto me. Boyfriend didn't even notice so I stopped to see how far he'd walk before he even realised. He didn't notice at all and it ended up with him shouting at me about wearing stupid shoes. We've had many, many nights and days out where everything has been wonderful, cinema curry, we've seen many fantastic films, had many days out in town going for coffee and cake, I'm not usually a high heels drinking person and all he ever does is bring up that one night. I'm never allowed to forget the night I ruined everything with my damn heels. Worst bit is by the time we got round the corner we'd both ended up laughing about it and we ate Nandos in the bed of our hotel room.

He said he used to be close to his family and now he doesn't even know them.

Again not true, he goes to his mums every Monday night without fail, usually on a Friday and at least twice a month at the weekends. I'm always asking to go round as I get on well with them and he's made a conscious effort to keep me away despite his parents and sister inviting us all round for dinner or out for meals he can never set a date. When we pop round it's only because ds has begged to go or I've forced it and even then he sits in silence and makes up lies about why we need to go making me look an idiot.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:18:01

Ok here goes.

On Saturday I told him I wanted him to collect his stuff by that night. He said he'd collect it Sunday. I said fine but I wanted it gone by then or bin day was Monday morning. He said why didn't I just grow up do the right thing and let him collect his things from inside when he's ready. I said I wanted it done and dusted and I'm not a storage unit.

He went into a full on rage. He sent me a stream of horrible texts.

He said he's got a good mind to make me give him the money back for everything he's bought me. He told me to look around the house 'he bought it' (this just simply isn't true) and he should come and take it all back,

He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore as I'm just miserable and moan, again this just isn't true. He starting referring to an incident two years ago when we went for a drink in town, we were on a busy clubby street, a bit rough and I had high heels on which I rarely wear, it was late and we were going to get some food and back to our hotel. My feet were hurting and a had a blister from the damn shoes. He was walking about four metres in front of me (which he always does whenever we go anywhere), and I was struggling to keep up and then some guys started surrounding me just being drunk and coming onto me. Boyfriend didn't even notice so I stopped to see how far he'd walk before he even realised. He didn't notice at all and it ended up with him shouting at me about wearing stupid shoes. We've had many, many nights and days out where everything has been wonderful, cinema curry, we've seen many fantastic films, had many days out in town going for coffee and cake, I'm not usually a high heels drinking person and all he ever does is bring up that one night. I'm never allowed to forget the night I ruined everything with my damn heels. Worst bit is by the time we got round the corner we'd both ended up laughing about it and we ate Nandos in the bed of our hotel room.

He said he used to be close to his family and now he doesn't even know them.

Again not true, he goes to his mums every Monday night without fail, usually on a Friday and at least twice a month at the weekends. I'm always asking to go round as I get on well with them and he's made a conscious effort to keep me away despite his parents and sister inviting us all round for dinner or out for meals he can never set a date. When we pop round it's only because ds has begged to go or I've forced it and even then he sits in silence and makes up lies about why we need to go making me look an idiot. Saying ds has got swimming when he hasn't.

We've been supposed to go and visit his gran for months but he makes excuses.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 12:19:07

He is angry with you that you are no longer willing to be his doormat.

I assume he has indeed now taken his stuff?

There is no need now for any further communication, is there?

Don't let him do this to you. Don't let him stay inside your head and scramble things up in there.

He has been a SHIT to you.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 27-Jan-14 12:19:42

Dolls. Don't even listen to him. He is trying to goad you into either giving him what he wants or telling him to do one so that he can get under your skin again.

You should have seen the red flags yonks ago. But you didn't.

If you have to, put the bloody phone down, close the door, walk away. His rage is not your concern. All you do now is go over all the words and worry that you are making a big mistake. If you refuse to listen then there are no words to go over.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 27-Jan-14 12:20:20

Ignore his drivel.At least he's not being nice and confusing you and making you doubt yourself.Did he collect his things?

AnnieOats Mon 27-Jan-14 12:21:15

Dolls the man is an arse. You're well shot of him. He's saying these things to get at you because you're not doing what he wants. If I were you I'd block his number and ignore him.

Dolls, he is lashing out because things aren't going his way. He is purposely and spitefully doing what he can to hurt you.

Try to look at this way, he is doing this because you have got under his skin for a change.

Maybe try think 'Yeah right, arsehole' in your head when you hear him come up with this nonsense. And don't react. That will totally do his head in.

Stay strong - you are doing great. You will be so much better off without this weasel.

PerpendicularVince Mon 27-Jan-14 12:24:25

He sounds like a twat to be honest, and the shoe incident is minor - you didn't actually do anything wrong.

I think you're right to end the relationship. He doesn't make you happy and does nothing for your self esteem.

PatriciaHolm Mon 27-Jan-14 12:28:40

Stick his stuff outside. Delete the texts, don't engage. Block his number if possible. You do NOT need to engage in any more conversation with him, his point of view is IRRELEVANT. You do not need to have any more dialogue with him.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 12:29:20

1. you didn't ruin any night out with your heels, he ruined it with his lack of interest in you when he stomped off ahead leaving you to walk alone. Or the drunks ruined it by upsetting you. Either way he and not you were at fault there.

My DH sometimes walks on ahead when we're out together. He's got a longer stride and a faster pace than me. I just walk at my normal pace and shout to him 'do you think you're the Queen?'

Seriously he really does did treat you like a minion. Why would you stand for it?

2. he hasn't got any choice whether to be 'bothered' going out with you. It's not for him to say, you ended it.

He's an arse of the highest order and he's tight with it. What charming traits, a catch for any woman hmm

Oh and by the way, if you hadn't ended it I could quite see him dumping you out of the blue down the line, if a better servant came along.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:31:12

He said I'm lazy, then on the other hand he said I'm too clean and he's fed up of me forcing him to help me tidy up on weekends when gw ahoyld be resting, he said ds hates him, he said some really horrible things about my childhood and my dad implying I'm making things up and it's all in my head. He said I'll never be happy. Then he said 'I still love you though'.

Then while I was crying he phoned me and like an idiot I answered, he said not to listen to him he didn't mean it and could he see me. I don't know why but I said yes, I think because I needed validation and wanted a chance to defend myself.

On him coming I wasn't allowed to question him on what he'd said. He said he didn't mean any of it he was just annoyed, but then he said the right thing for me to do would just be to accept it even if I didn't agree and just think about how I treat him. If I questioned him on any of it he said I was attacking him and being abusive with my tone of voice and facial expressions.

The next day he said he didn't mean any of it and can't even remember what he said but I still wasn't allowed to talk about it.

I can't really explain the frustration of being told things that are completely untrue and not being allowed to defend myself or even have a discussion about it.

FuckingWankwings Mon 27-Jan-14 12:31:28

Don't pay any more attention to him. He's a wanker.

'He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore'. He's too late. YOU broke up with HIM.

Send him one more text: 'Pick up your stuff by x time on x day or it's going to the skip', then block his number. If he hasn't picked it up, get rid of it.

Fuck him. There are better men out there and you will meet one. thanks brew

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:33:41

No he hasn't taken his things.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:35:42

When he said he can't be bothered to go out with me he meant out for a day or night not in general.

Like yesterday he said his dad was taking his mum out, I looked and he said 'yes but she's nicer than you'.

SlimJiminy Mon 27-Jan-14 12:36:00

I hope he came to collect his stuff. Leave it for the bin men if it's still there and just try, try, try not to talk to him. While you're interacting he has a way to get to you - which is exactly what he's doing. Stop all contact and he can't get to you anymore. He's being an utter arse because he is an utter arse. You're doing the right thing.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 12:39:51

That doesn't surprise me.

He is simply refusing to accept that you have the right to end the relationship.

What are you going to do?

It is easy to say bin the things, but realistically is that going to mean that he will then harass you forever more?

Perhaps gritting your teeth and arranging for a third party to dump them at his house would be better. Much as it pains me to advise this, I can see him making your life a misery, threatening to sue you, turning up yelling about how you got rid of his stuff, etc etc.

Whereas if you get it to his house, it is no longer your problem and he cannot 'blame' you for its loss.

Or see if the local police station will allow you to bag it up and take it there for him to collect (I don't know if they still allow this)

He is, frankly, fucking frightening. What he wants from you is the total compliance of a surrendered wife.

Please don't allow this.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 12:41:25

You don't need validation from him. He is the one making you feel like shit!

Don't let him kick you to the floor and then put out your hand for him to pick you up sad please.

HazleNutt Mon 27-Jan-14 12:42:15

wow what a twat!
Lucky he has shown his true colours now.

Cerisier Mon 27-Jan-14 12:46:17

I can't really explain the frustration of being told things that are completely untrue and not being allowed to defend myself or even have a discussion about it.

I am no expert but this nasty emotional abuse sounds like gaslighting to me. The heels story is very sad.

He is making you feel awful with his nasty words, lies and manipulation. You are doing so well but now need to finish it finally and put him totally behind you.

MrsKoala Mon 27-Jan-14 12:47:36

Cripes. I've been lurking but i just wanted to say he is desperate. He is throwing everything he can think of at this hoping that something will make you do what he wants - Seriously that shoe thing 2 YEARS AGO is just pathetic.

He is showing you how cruel and nasty he is. If you love someone you don't treat them like this. He is just pissed off he's not getting his own way.

Don't listen to him anymore. Really if you are as awful as he says why would he want to be with you? It's just bullshit to knock you down.

And the don't question him thing, is completely controlling. People who want to sort things out talk about them - they don't give someone a stream of verbal then say now you have to accept that and never question it. You don't. There is another option. Don't listen to his, quite frankly, bizarre drivel.

Good luck - i'm rooting for you smile

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 12:49:49

I caused what happened at the weekend. I read the texts, I answered the phone, I said he could come. I let him in.

But, I was feeling shit anyway, the texts were horrible, and untrue, that wasn't all of it, he was goading and mocking me, because of some other stuff that's happened in the past I felt as though I'm worthless, because men don't treat me with respect, I wanted to defend myself, but I wasn't allowed to anyway.

He blames me for all that goes wrong in his life. He's skint because he paid for a pizza or bought a duvet cover, not because he ran up a £900 bill, or because he buys a car he can't afford to run. He's overweight because of me. He said you blame those you love.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 12:53:33


Stop it.

He is the cause of all this.

You may have reacted to the situation that HE PUT YOU IN, but you caused nothing. But for his actions towards you, nothing that happened this weekend would have happened.

Maybe you could have responded better, less emotionally, who knows, that's not really the biggest point in all this, is it?

Do not allow yourself to buy into any of his 'if only you had been nicer to me...' bullshit.

He wants to hurt and upset you. Don't let him.

He. Does. Not. Love. You.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 27-Jan-14 12:54:31

Why are you even listing to this shit?

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 27-Jan-14 12:54:37

You didn't cause it. Its in your power to cut him out to prevent it happening again, but having optimism that he might be a decent human being didn't cause him to not be.

But you can grab that power and use it whenever you're ready, it'll still be there. Start by getting a third party to pick up his stuff/go and drop it at his mum's house.

Then go with the standard MN maxim: "No is a complete sentence".

FushandChups Mon 27-Jan-14 12:55:16

Dolls - just de-lurking to say YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS! It is him, all him!

Bin his stuff, do not talk to him, do not engage with him...

The things he has an issue with are HIS PROBLEMS.

I feel so angry on your behalf - I am absolutely livid.

YOU deserve so much better than this and I hope you are starting to see that... and your DS deserves better too. You are so unhappy and he can't help but be effected by this so completely disengage and I promise after the initial few weeks, you will feel soooo much better!

Easier said than done - but PLEASE listen to the wise posters here and, just so you know:


PatriciaHolm Mon 27-Jan-14 12:55:53

You caused NONE of this. You are in no way to blame for HIS actions.

You have no reason to EVER engage with him again. Please, don't.

MrsKoala Mon 27-Jan-14 12:56:56

Don't give it head room. He is a twat. He will NEVER get it. The trouble is you think of him as a reasonable person. You think if you just said/did the right thing or found the magic formula, he'd be nicer. But he wont. It's a temptation to dangle you along. There is no pot of gold at the end of his rainbow. He will constantly move the goal posts. So you just have to detach and remove yourself from him. Accept he wont change and that it isn't your responsibility to save him or 'behave better'.

Rather than keep rehashing what he has said. Is it possible for you to think of something positive? Can you focus on something which is all about you and your DS? Which has nothing to do with him whatsoever?

merrymouse Mon 27-Jan-14 12:57:13

Remember, the fact that he expresses an opinion doesn't mean that it has any value.

You don't owe him anything. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

Look - I am perfectly free to type "Manchester United are doing really well at the moment". I know absolutely nothing about football (It's the one where you can't touch the ball isn't it??) - doesn't stop me from making a completely meaningless remark.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 27-Jan-14 12:57:44

I hope you find the strength to walk away from this man Dolls or this will be it for the rest of your life.You will be stuck looking after this arsehole like a second mummy whilst he treats you like utter shit.
You do not need him,he is enjoying every minute of this drama.
Start again you and your ds.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 12:58:58

Dolls please listen.

When he said he can't be bothered to go out with me he meant out for a day or night not in general

It doesn't matter what he meant, it sounds like about 90% of what comes out of his mouth is absolute drivel and the rest is spiteful bile anyway.

The point is, you should be with someone who absolutely can be bothered about you, about your son, your lives and your happiness.

You are not responsible for him, his weight or his whims.

You just made a mistake engaging with him, learn from it and don't do it again. You've finished with him, draw a line and don't ever let anyone tell you what you are allowed and not allowed to say in future.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 27-Jan-14 13:04:10

Dolls, you sound such a nice person, and he is abusing this. It's text book abuser behaviour - to grind you down so low that you accept his awful behaviour towards you.

Don't listen to him - you know he's telling lies, you know that his opinion of you (or his professed opinion of you in the heat of an argument) is no reflection of your worth. You are a good person - you have a wonderful ds and you don't need this man in your life.

Have no more conversations with him. Call the police if he continues to harass you - you have the right to finish a relationship that is not working for you. Full stop.

You need a better support network around you, not this man. Work on making new friendships, new activities with your ds, building a better support network around you.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 13:04:47

Oh and when he's gone on about presents and money?

You've already transferred money for a duvet cover, which I wouldn't have done.

I really can't believe some of the stuff I read on MN. How tight and how miserly and how vindictive some people can be.

Dig your heels in. You really really should be celebrating ridding yourself of this toxic waste of space.
Like I said, Draw.A.Line.

kickassangel Mon 27-Jan-14 13:07:20

He is fulfilling every single criteria of an abusive man. Read Lundy Bancrofts book called Why does he do that? If you want some support.

You owe him nothing.
Block him from your phone. Put his stuff out with the bins. Go to the movies or the local library or anywhere for the next few nights.

Blank him out. Make him a nothing. He does not even think of you as a person, so don't engage with him.

He will keep up the pressure for a while but it will keep going for as long as you keep responding so just don 'to even text.

And start planning some fun things with your ds.

Rather than wIt for him to collect his stuff, do you have a friend/relative who can drive it to his place and dump it on his doorstep? Hell, I'd be tempted to get a taxi (I'm presuming you don't drive, not sure why!) there, dump it on the doorstep and turn round and go home again.

You are not to blame.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 13:16:55

Ok the thing is, growing up my dad was vile to me most of the time. He has had depression and a drink problem for years, I don't want to go into too much detail but I've come to the realisation that I was abused, physically and emotionally. And my mum allowed and even encouraged it.

Just one small example, my dad left ashtrays and beer cans all over the floor and that's what I would get up to each morning. I once questioned this and my dad emptied the bin all over the floor just to prove a point that he would do what he liked.

He constantly told me I was shit.

As a result I have little confidence and am very critical of myself.

Take my ex who comes from a 'nice' family, is more successful than me on paper. Is very good at making himself seem oh so reasonable. And he's got a licence to do what he likes.

I know this isn't true in reality but there's a power game, he can put me right down and also pick me right back up.

I've realised this more and more. And I've realised I probably need counselling or something to help me to be able to validate myself, but I'm afraid to open a can of worms. I keep the lid firmly on past bad experiences.

But I'm not quite sure how to get off the merry go round when I guess I'm so weak?

AdoraBell Mon 27-Jan-14 13:18:23

People don't blame Those they love.

He blames the person he claims To love. That isn't love, don't confuse it for him caring about you.

Think of what you feel for your DS. That is love. It drives people To do nice and good things for and To the person they love.

Oh and if his mother is "nicer" than you then tell him he really needs To stop wasting his time and Go find someone "nice" like his Mum.

And you didn't cause the weekend's problems, he ground you down úntil you felt you needed To speak To him. You don't need To defende yourself To him because you've done Nothing that needs defending. It's really none of his business what you feel, what with him being the Ex, and as such his opinión is worse Nothing.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 13:19:21

It's ironic people are picking up on abuse from his behaviour. He told me Saturday he the nicest person anyone could ever meet.

pictish Mon 27-Jan-14 13:22:22

He said you blame those you love.

You see Doll? He genuinely believes he is entitled to treat you like shit, and hold you soley responsible for his emotional and physical wellbeing. He views you as a facility to to be exploited. Your role is to be servile, passive, nurturing and available, while his is to benefit from it.

Deeply unhealthy thinking on his part, and that will not change.

I don't blame those I love. I love those I love.

pictish Mon 27-Jan-14 13:25:28

As for him being abusive?
Without a doubt. He's textbook.

The nicest person anyone could ever meet? Sure he Broadmoor!

TheListingAttic Mon 27-Jan-14 13:26:41


You've obviously had a rough time of it, and that's making it difficult for you to stick to your guns. That isn't your fault, but unfortunately it does mean it's going to take quite an effort to step off the merry-go-round stop letting him walk all over you. But you can do it. And I think you really, really, really need to.

hoboken Mon 27-Jan-14 13:27:22

Make the meal and put it in the fridge for him to re-heat. Repeat twice. Don't make him a meal at all after that.

AdoraBell Mon 27-Jan-14 13:27:35

Dolls I've had counselling. It is tough To open that can of worms but once you've unravelled them and sorted them, and then Get rid it is unbelievebly liberating, although it's not a quick fix.

I know there is a thread in Relationships, the Stately Homes thread, where people who survived dysfunctional families post. Have you looked at that?

Or maybe approach your GP about counselling. But do not tell this man if you do, it's not his business because he isn't a part of your Life since you dumped him. And if you think EH will use it against you them don't tell him either, on the same basis.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 27-Jan-14 13:29:35

No OP. He's not a nice person. Nice men don't walk 4 metres ahead of their girlfriends on nights out, and not notice when they're surrounded by drunken men. Nice men don't shout at their girlfriends when they have blisters on their feet. Nice men don't throw that back in your face 2 years on. What sort of fucker does that?

Nice men don't behave like him. They don't treat people like he is treating you. He won't allow you to re-build your self-esteem - because he's abusive. He takes advantage of your low self esteem in order to have you at his beck and call the whole time.

You can escape this - you are just a step away from escaping this.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 27-Jan-14 13:30:54

well of course he would say that.

You don't actually expect that he is going to agree that he is unfair, unreasonable, a user and abusive, do you?

You need to accept that you are not going to get 'fairness' from him. You are not going to get 'truth' from him. You are going to have to accept him saying things that aren't true.

By continuing to engage with him, trying to get him to admit his treatment of you - he's still winning. He is still in your head.

You need to get to a place of total indifference. Where you no longer give a shit what he thinks about anything because he is totally irrelevant to you

pictish Mon 27-Jan-14 13:35:02

There are far better articles and reading to be had than this OP, but it's the first one I came across just now, and I feel that a lot of it will resonate soundly with you.

15 signs you're in an Emotionally Abusive relationship

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 27-Jan-14 13:36:52

He's not going to say 'actually, I'm an abusive user, and you are right to run' is he?

newsecretidentity Mon 27-Jan-14 13:36:53

Oh, I'm getting so mad just reading this! If I wasn't so keenly aware of the dangers of getting personally involved in the affairs of strangers on the internet, I'd offer to pick up his shit and drop it at his front door. There just aren't enough swear words.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 13:40:10

Dolls just take one thing at a time honey.

there's a power game, he can put me right down and also pick me right back up

There WAS a power game, it happened because you let it happen, but you're not letting it happen any more and look how he's behaving - do you really want to keep suffering more of the same?
He has picked you up and dropped you at whim, but he can't do either any more.

Never mind the nicest person you could ever meet. I'd like to meet him and tell him to his face what a snivelling shit he is.
He can't even take responsibility for what he ploughs into his own mouth without blaming someone else for his weight issues. What a charmer. He's a user and an abuser.

You said he doesn't think your DS likes him? Hmm I wonder if that's true and if it is, why? Perhaps your DS has got vibes off him and has good reason not to like him. None of us writing on this thread like him and the only things we know about him are from someone who's been his girlfriend and substitute mother for five years. You won't get over that in a couple of days, be strong and be kind to yourself.

merrymouse Mon 27-Jan-14 13:42:50

Could it be that rather than keeping a lid on past experiences, you are subconsciously seeking out situations where you can replay your childhood experience with a different outcome where you are finally good enough to make your dad treat you properly? (And obviously his behaviour wasn't your fault or in your control, so this is never going to be possible).

You aren't weak. Anybody would need help to rewrite that mental subroutine.

oldgrandmama Mon 27-Jan-14 13:46:24

Dolls, you darling girl, I so SO wish I were your mum or grandmama ... I'd be round like a shot to hold your hand, give you a cuddle, and reassure you that you are a lovely, kind lady and you deserve far better than that pathetic excuse for a 'man' who is now throwing his toys out of the pram because you're not coming to heel like an obedient, whipped and kicked dog.

I've read some books about abuse within relationships, since going on MN, and that nasty guy is a textbook case, who is now trying everything in the book 'Handy Hints for Nasty, Manipulative, Entitled, Cruel Jerks to Get Back Control'

Ignore all that ghastly stuff he's now throwing at you. It's all vicious crap, designed to grind you down, make you question yourself, get you to go back to how it was. His idiotic claims about how much he's spent ... what about all the free meals (FIVE years' worth???). Do what wise MNetters suggest - don't answer calls, emails, change tel. numbers, change locks, DON'T ENGAGE with him at all. NOT AT ALL! Don't let him back to play his horrible head games.

You could call a cab and pile his stuff in it, send it to his or his mother's address, to be paid for on arrival.

But please, stay strong. It really really upsets me that a man could be so bloody horrible to a woman who has been nothing but good to him for so many years. You have the rest of your life before you - he WON'T enhance it it any way but will just drag you down to a life of misery and worry, at his beck and call, while he lords it over you, triumphant that he's 'called you to heel'. Don't let him do this, please.

Dolls you don't need to defend yourself to him.

He is only saying these things to hurt you. He is not going to accept anything you say in your defense.

He is fucking with your head on purpose. He is trying to put wear your down, and put you back in your 'place'. You know he will twist everything you say. Purely to hurt you as much as possible.

And if you were to point out all the errors of his ways, he won't agree with that either.

Easier said than done, but try not to worry about what he is saying, and don't try to defend yourself. Try accept it really doesn't matter what he is saying. While it is really hurtful, that is his only intention - to hurt you as deeply as possible.

Lots of people on the thread have told you how good you are doing, and how strong you've been. Hold that in your head instead of the shit he's spouting.

FlatFacedArmy Mon 27-Jan-14 13:51:05

"He told me Saturday he was the nicest person anyone could ever meet"

Sorry OP, this made me laugh out loud. Yes, he's such a great guy, he must be because HE thinks so!!

What a deluded fool! He is a twat. You know it, we know it, your friends know it, your DS probably knows it too. In fact the only person who doesn't know that he's a twat is probably twatface himself.

I wouldn't take his opinion on anything as gospel if he's capable of that much self-delusion...

oscarwilde Mon 27-Jan-14 13:52:16

^^ On him coming I wasn't allowed to question him on what he'd said. He said he didn't mean any of it he was just annoyed, but then he said the right thing for me to do would just be to accept it even if I didn't agree and just think about how I treat him. If I questioned him on any of it he said I was attacking him and being abusive with my tone of voice and facial expressions.
The next day he said he didn't mean any of it and can't even remember what he said but I still wasn't allowed to talk about it.

OP - did he come to visit and stay the night?

HazleNutt Mon 27-Jan-14 13:54:16

Like FlatFaced above, I actually laughed out loud at the "I'm the nicest person ever" statement. Talk about deluded!

newsecretidentity Mon 27-Jan-14 13:55:22

And if you drop by the relationships board, Emotional Abuse thread, you'll find dozens of women just like yourself, with shitbags who have tried all the same tricks as your fella. You're not the first to be taken in by their crap.

oscarwilde Mon 27-Jan-14 13:56:02

I won't tell you to bin his stuff because I don't think you will. I would suggest putting it in bags and boxes, and having a taxi deliver it to his door.
Get a new SIM, send him a last text telling him to disappear from your life and you have changed your number. Then cut up your old Sim and move on with your life. You are worth more than this.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 13:59:17

Two more things to think over as well Dolls.

I'm with my very long term DH who I love to bits. He loves me too and the way he shows this is in the ways he treats me and talks to me.
I'm only telling you this because it's how it should be. That is what a relationship's like, well, one that's worth having.
Oh and I'm nothing special believe me, I'm just a regular run of the mill, everyday kind of woman.

The other thing is a real life example.
You know that thing I said about while you're with an arsehole you're missing out on a better life and better opportunities? Someone very close to me was in a five or six year relationship with a guy who didn't care. It was harder for her because she thought she loved him and they lived together. Eventually they split. She was broken hearted, but she gradually got over that and had a much better time on her own.
Within a year she met a wonderful man who makes her very happy. Now she just can't believe the rubbish she put up with and how long she let it carry on for.

You've done the hardest part.

MinkBernardLundy Mon 27-Jan-14 15:03:05

Dolls Stop, just stop.
You let him in at the weekend. I take it he stayed and he now thinks you are back togther.

well he can unthink it.

the weekend is just two little days. you have not made your bed, you do not have to lie in it. so you had a wobble. don't puncih yourself for it. pick yourself up, hoik up the big girl pants and tell him to FOTTFSOFO and when he gets there to Fuck Off some more.

Tell him to go. keep telling him to go until it sticks.

He does not love you.
He is not nice.
He has NO right to treat you like this.
He is incapabale of taking responsibility for himself and that is why he blames you.

You are not to blame.

You are not to blame.

YOU are NOT to blame.

He is responsible for his own behaviour.
he is responsible for realising this.
He chooses to treat you like this.
He has no right to tell you what you have to get over and what you must forgive.

You owe him nothing.
You don't need to fix him.
You don't need to understand him.
you don't need him to like you or to love you.

You. don't. need. him.

and more importantly, you can do this. you can get rid of him. you can ahve a much better life without him, tearing you down and being a useless parasite. even if his cock were solid gold this would not be worth it.

block, delete and ignore.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 27-Jan-14 15:09:19


Dolls, you (and us!) were so euphoric when you got rid of him, then when he's made an appearance guess what? You were miserable again. You need to cut him off. Full stop. Block his number. He's angry because he's not getting what HE wants.

Don't give him an inch.

Stay strong - we're rooting for you thanks

nauticant Mon 27-Jan-14 15:18:19

The main thing to remember Dollslikeyouandme is that just because he got himself back into your home once, you don't need to return to the relationship. If you're sure that was a lapse on your part, simply put it down to being a temporary blip and keep your mind fixed on the fact that the relationship is over and he has no business being anywhere near you.

Pigeonhouse Mon 27-Jan-14 15:20:38

What everyone else said, Dolls. It does not matter what he thinks, or what he says. It does not matter if he wants to get back together, or his opinion of you. What you want is what matters, how you think of yourself is what matters.

Don't you see how much he is playing you? That 'insult her and then make your move when she's feeling wobbly and needy' is a technique used by many an exploitative playboy. It's supposed to make you grateful that he designs to go out with humble, faulty old you.

Sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of how you would be better off if he came back into your life. Then, on the other side of the page, make a list of how you would be worse off if you got back together with him.

He is a nasty, exploitative, controlling freak who has cottoned on to your self-esteem being low because of your father's treatment of you in your childhood, and is exploiting this for his own gain. You have nothing to gain from letting him back into your life, and everything to lose.

If I knew where you lived I would come over and barricade your door against this dreadful man, but I can't. All I can say is please stop answering the door to him and get a new SIM. Please do not get back on to the joyless merry go round that was your relationship with this man.

Pigeonhouse Mon 27-Jan-14 15:21:42

And yes, that you let him in once doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Think of it as a last falling off the wagon before the start of your new, improved life.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 15:26:32

Some brilliant advice and support on this thread.

we all understand that real life and doing what you're encouraged to do is never anywhere as simple as words on the screen. We do.

When you make that list of Pros and Cons, also ask yourself

Is this a man who makes me feel good about myself?
Is this a man I really look forward to spending time or talking with, or am I just in a habit I find hard to break?
Is he a man I can stand up and be proud to call my boyfriend or partner?
Is this man a good part of my son's life?

Also ask, even though we ALL know the answer

Would I ever treat anyone like this?

SlimJiminy Mon 27-Jan-14 16:00:50

Dolls - his comment about being the nicest person anyone could ever meet reminded me of my first boyfriend. He was awful to me for years (five years, as it happens) and one of the things he said when I'd finally told him to fuck off was "Who else will have you? No-one else will put up with you." My response was that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be this miserable and stay with him. It was absolute bollocks of course - just his way of trying to convince me that his behaviour was perfectly normal.

He's absolutely fucking deluded. One thing that people like him can't see is that you're perfectly capable of being happy on your own - he's telling you he's the nicest man you'll ever meet because he's TERRIFIED that you'll realise you can do better. Learn how to be happy on your own and the rest of your life will fall into place. Just know that you can - and will - meet much, much nicer men than him when the time is right.

Hold your head up high and walk away. Best thing I ever did was walk away from that emotionally abusive relationship. Didn't recognise it as that as the time - that's where you have an advantage - a team of people all telling you you're not being weird/needy/unreasonable. You can do it.

ChasedByBees Mon 27-Jan-14 16:38:18

Dolls, it seems like you couldn't quite break contact because you felt obligated (no wonder when he's had you convinced that everything he ate, his weight, his debt was all your responsibility).

Now he is not going to accept that it is over - he will try and make you feel that you owe him one more thing so he has 'the right' to contact you about that.

What is great is you sound like you don't like him and you describe him as your ex still, it's just the sense of obligation.

So I think you should drop his box of stuff round (the main reason for all the contact last week) to his mums, when he's not there. Say it's over and leave on a good note, but leave quickly. Do not stay for tea or discussions, just go.

I don't think there's anything else for what you've said that he can have claim over (he will no doubt think otherwise). Send one last text: ask him not to contact you or you'll report him to the police for harassment.

Then you don't have to listen to anything else. You will have fulfilled all your 'obligations'. You can go no contact hitch I truly believe is essential to getting past this.

If his texts get too much or even if they continue, report them to the police on 101. I did that with an ex, I felt I was over-reacting but they were lovely. Hold strong. You can do it.

Nanny0gg Mon 27-Jan-14 16:46:44


He wouldn't know 'nice' if it came and bit him on the bum!

He is messing with your head. I believe he is gaslighting you (I'm not an expert). He is making you believe it's you, when any outsider can see exactly what he's doing.

Please get this moved to Relationships (someone on here can report it for you if you like) where many experienced people can help you get free of this arse.

He is doing you no good, in fact he is harming you and you need to get rid. You will be happier, honestly you will.

If I was your mum (I'm old enough) I would be doing everything I could to help you get him gone.

Keep posting on here. You will get lots of support and advice to help you move on.

Dollslikeyouandme Mon 27-Jan-14 17:12:50

Thank you all, I am trying to get my head round the situation, Pictish I really like your straight talking and find myself nodding along to what you say.

Bees, I think the problem is I DO like him, I know that seems odd, but I think it's because when he's not being really horrible he's being quite nice, when he's in a good mood things can be great. I know sometimes isn't enough, but when someone is really nasty, sometimes you end up clinging to them even more in the hope that the nice person will be back soon.

That probably doesn't make much sense but it almost becomes a bit like they regulate your emotions.

kickassangel Mon 27-Jan-14 17:18:34

But being nice is part of it, particularly to start with or when he wants you back. Cos you would never have got together with him if he was an arse to begin with. It's part of the plan, like having to pay for a nice home appliance, he has to make nice to 'get' you. Once you're unpacked from the box, and his property, he can treat you how he wants, and he does.

The nice stuff is only there to hook you in. It isn't who he really is. The person who wants you waiting on him hand and foot is the real him, and why he gets so angry when you don't comply.

newsecretidentity Mon 27-Jan-14 17:19:17

Oh, Dolls, it does make sense. When they start being a bit nice, the relief is immense and it's so easy to brush the nastiness under the carpet and cling to the niceness.

But it isn't real. When he's being nice to you, it isn't because he loves you or even likes you. He's doing it make you do what he wants-- forget his shit attitude and act like nothing has happened.

The niceness is a method of control, just as much as the sulks and strops and making you feel you're crazy. And it is just as cold and calculating as the nastiness.

He WILL up his game when you try to end it, because he feels that you are slipping out of his control. How Dare You? Be strong now. The end bit is the worst, but it's nearly over. Think how nice it will be to enjoy your evenings with your son, never having to worry about when this fuckwit will turn up and cast his shadows over the nice time you were having.

MrsKoala Mon 27-Jan-14 17:21:16

Of course he's nice sometimes. Who would be with someone who was never nice. It's the worst part of people like this - it's the reason you keep giving it another chance, because there is always that glimmer of hope. But that's all it is, a mere glimmer. To make the nice work to its full effect there has to be more nasty to make you so grateful for the scraps of nice. And i bet the nice isn't even that nice. Just normal couple behaviour that most people get all the time without all the nasty shite too.

Relationships shouldn't be carrot and stick. Just mutual love and respect.

SlimJiminy Mon 27-Jan-14 17:57:32

Honestly, I used to think it was perfectly normal for a partner to be nasty if his favourite shit football team had a bad game. I convinced myself to stick around for the good stuff because I couldn't see how bad the bad stuff was - or how often it happened (so I worried/checked the score at least weekly to gauge my boyfriend's mood ahead of seeing him).

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's just generally amazing? Where you know what time he's coming round because he texts you to tell you he'll be there at 6 - and he can't wait to see you. Where there's no need to keep up in your stupid shoes when your feet are hurting because he's holding your hand and walking beside you. Don't shrug it off because you can have that.

Re-read your OP. He's making your life a misery. He wants all the control, so he leaves you wondering what time he'll rock up for his tea - that's if he bothers to make an appearance. And we know it doesn't stop there. He's a fucking wankbadger in the greatest sense of the word op and he'll never change.

HazleNutt Mon 27-Jan-14 18:06:20

of course he is nice sometimes and it makes perfect sense. He's a textbook abuser. Does something else sound familiar from here?

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

MinkBernardLundy Mon 27-Jan-14 19:48:53

Also look up traumatic bonding.
That is when someone is horrible to you but they are also the only person there to make you feel better after what they have done to you. but you wouldn't need to feel better if they had not already been horrible to you.

He is doing the lot. gaslighting. abuse cycle. blaming you for his issues.

It is really difficult to escape from the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that abusers create but You can.

If you need additional support please come to the EA thread. Read some of the links.

Abusers are like something horrible dressed in a very nice sauce. Otherwise no one would ever fall for them. But he is NOT a nice person. nice people do not treat others like this. You are not making him nasty. he IS nasty. When he is being nice he is just pretending. The nastiness is the real him.

WhatAFeline Mon 27-Jan-14 22:12:35

Hello Dolls, I'm really glad you came back to the thread, thank you.

I just wanted to say the same as everyone else really, you deserve far better, and he is working really hard now to twist your reality and make you believe you need him.

You don't need him. He is harming you. Even if there are nice times, how can you trust him that they are real, and not just another 'play' to keep you submissive?

Stay with us Dolls. You can do this.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 27-Jan-14 22:58:18

Copy or print out your own posts from the last few days about how he has behaved to you. Lying to you about his relationship with his family, telling you aren't nice and he is (just shock shock shock !!!) at that), finding fault no matter what you do (you're lazy but you also spend too much time cleaning...what?) Keep looking at this when you are tempted to speak to him or give in. It's a bit like an addiction at this point that you need to break - the longer you can stay out of contact with him the easier it will become. And I bet your son would be glad to see you free of him.

'Like yesterday he said his dad was taking his mum out, I looked and he said 'yes but she's nicer than you'.'.

He's horrible. He's not nice.
And what makes him even worse and even more nasty is that he knows what you suffered growing up, and he is using it and your self doubt and lack of self esteem against you.
He had a nice upbringing you say. You see, a decent man doesn't drop his dirty clothes round for years for you to wash like a good little woman, he does it himself. He invites you and your son round and cooks for you. He supports you and helps you and builds you up. He doesn't play mind games and control you and tell you what to think.

Please break away from this man and show your son that you can be strong. Look into building up your self confidence - your G.P may know of organizations you can join.
Until you value yourself and don't put up with this shit you will continue to have people like this in your life using you and making you unhappy.

Balistapus Tue 28-Jan-14 10:44:13

When we experience emotion abuse when growing up -your Dad in your case, my Mum in mine - we don't realise that it makes us extremely vulnerable to emotionally abusive people in our adult relationships.

These people seem nice in order to hook us in - the description of something horrible dressed in a nice sauce is a very good one. Once we're emotionally involved, the mask slips and the shitty behaviour begins. "But he was so wonderful, " we think, " he IS capable of being great, it must be true what he's saying that his not being great anymore is because of something I've done." And this is where it start.... The behaviour has the same effect on us as Kryptonite has on Superman. Suddenly, we feel utterly powerless and in pain.
This will never get better, he will never change. Do not try to understand what he is doing or analyse if you are doing anything wrong. See it for the Kryptonite that it is and understand that you need to get away from him and his behaviour otherwise it will destroy you.

margerybruce Tue 28-Jan-14 11:31:00

Dolls - look at this -

this is what you are in - the cycle of abuse

This man has something wrong in his head.

Of course there are nice bits - there have to be otherwise these people would be kicked to the curb every time.

The nice bits keep you hooked in the cycle.

If your father was like this you will feel almost comfortable with this as it is what you know.

please get some counselling on your own to work through this.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Tue 28-Jan-14 11:40:21

Also look up traumatic bonding.That is when someone is horrible to you but they are also the only person there to make you feel better after what they have done to you. but you wouldn't need to feel better if they had not already been horrible to you

In a nutshell, this is it.

TeenyW123 Tue 28-Jan-14 14:12:56

He said, he's saying, he thinks. There's one of him. There 300+ people on here who have said the total opposite to what he's said. On the balance of probabilities who do think you should take a bit more notice of?

I know it's difficult to take things on board when you're in the thick of things. Do not doubt yourself. Dig deep and find that speck of self respect that's left and give it a good buffing. Stick to your boundaries and tell him to cross them

TeenyW123 Tue 28-Jan-14 14:15:01


Shitehawke Tue 28-Jan-14 14:35:54

Op, how's it going? Has he picked up his stuff yet? I was thinking, could you drop his stuff of at his parents? Then its off your porch, and he will have to face the truth when he has to explain to his mummy why all his shit is now on her front doorstep.
Hope you are ok. X

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 14:51:33

I think maybe dolls isn't ready to throw the towel in yet. As someone has suggested earlier. Print off this thread to refer to, please do something about this monotonous cycle before it begins to effect dc and how they learn about relationships. Hope you ok.
And NOT doing his washing x

giraffecrossing Tue 28-Jan-14 15:33:38

Dolls, have just read the whole thread and thought things were going in the right direction but by your last few posts it look like you are going to stay with this awful manchild. He is never going to change the way he behaves because he knows you will put up with it. He will never be the man you want him to be, and you have no chance of finding a better man if you are tied to this guy. Better to be single with the chance of meeting the right guy than staying with the wrong one. He is doing nothing for your self esteem but making you feel worse about yourself.

Sexnight Tue 28-Jan-14 20:06:12

.....but we hope you're okay, obv......

MinkBernardLundy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:56:00

Dolls if you are not ready to end this yet and I do know it takes time, I went back to a very similar situation a good few times before I finally had enough, but just remember you can change your mind anytime.

Just because you ahve taken him back in the past does not mean you are always fated to do so or that you must next time.

and we are here if you need back up, cheering on, cheering up or whatever.

you leave when you are ready.

and always remember you are not to blame for what he does. he is responsible for himself.

Dollslikeyouandme Tue 28-Jan-14 22:53:10

Sorry I just don't really know what to say.

I wish I could be stronger and more sure of myself but instead I feel like a right mess and like I'm in a huge mess that I just can't get out of. It feels hopeless.

StarShank Tue 28-Jan-14 22:59:36

It does seem hopeless but things can change. You don't need to leave right now, but could you tell someone IRL about what is happening? Could you tell your gp or ring women's aid? Can you talk to a friend or family member? We need support to make big life changes.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 23:02:48

Don't let him move in Op.
Even if he has decided he now wants to.

Scarletohello Tue 28-Jan-14 23:10:02



Okay, stopped shouting now. Phew!

StarShank Tue 28-Jan-14 23:14:06

Scarlet... Is insinuated the op is a bitch and needs boundaries helpful?

badtime Tue 28-Jan-14 23:15:27

The nicest person anyone could ever meet? Sure he Broadmoor!

I have actually spoken to several patients at Broadmoor, including at least one well-known sex-offender. They all came across as more pleasant, or at least civil, than this man appears to be.

Balistapus Tue 28-Jan-14 23:19:02

The more time you have away from him/ communication with him, the stronger you will be. I know how you feel, like when a cat plays with a toy, except you are the toy. It is very, very hard to be strong when someone manipulates you like this. Your being made to think that if you actually do end it now that you are a shit because he was trying to work it out. In reality he isn't, he's just trying to get control of the situation.

Remember that the way you feel is part of the abuse. If you love someone you wouldn't manipulate their feelings to feel the way you do.

Dollslikeyouandme Tue 28-Jan-14 23:20:26

I know it seems so black and white, bin him easy. I don't know why for me it's not so easy.

I've been reading some of the links one on trauma bonding. This does sound like me, also the cycle of abuse there is a cycle, a pattern to his behaviour.

I want to say I'll end it for good but in the reality he's plays me and in all different ways, either being really, really nice or very nasty. He lies about a lot of things and I start to doubt myself I feel I'm going crazy, paranoid.

This probably sounds so stupid but I can't shake the feeling he's from a nice seemingly functional family, I'm not so I must be the one in the wrong.

Dollslikeyouandme Tue 28-Jan-14 23:27:16

Something's just come to mind also.

I think I keep giving things one last go. I keep intending to end things, probably have been for a long time. But then I miss the nice times, think one more try won't hurt. Things are great for a while, then they go bad again, but I'm still thinking it was getting better, it's just a blip, and it's one more try, see how the weekend goes, which turns into a week.

Only1scoop Tue 28-Jan-14 23:29:49

Well even if you don't feel up to ending things yet....don't take the next step and let him move in.
I think it would be a bad move.

giraffecrossing Tue 28-Jan-14 23:44:32

But one more try WILL hurt. His behaviour is hurtful. You have been trying to make it work for 5 years. Why would it be any different this time? Hopefully you will end this relationship one day, and once you are over the initial heartache you will wonder why you didn't do if sooner. You could make it be this time! What are you actually getting out of this relationship? I know I'd rather be single that put up with such shit.
Be strong and take care of yourself.

MinkBernardLundy Wed 29-Jan-14 00:42:28

Endings are difficult because they seem so finding. the future seems uncertain. but it can be better.

Check out the EA thread.
Keep among yourself with knowledge.
Read Lundy Bancroft until you can see clearly what he is and what he does and why he does it.

Build yourself a path to a better life. one step at a time.
One tiny step after another all the way into a new life.

Also check out the FP.

There is help out there to get you through. You can do it. when you are ready.

Monty27 Wed 29-Jan-14 01:03:26

You'll feel great about yourself if you tell this jerk where to go. Please do it. You didn't make your dad do what he did, you haven't made jerkie behave the way he does.

You sound absolutely lovely. flowers

SavoyCabbage Wed 29-Jan-14 01:07:42

You do sound lovely.

One more try will hurt because he is a right twat who doesn't treat you well. There are lots of people in this world who are kind and caring and funny. And that's who you should be sharing your life with.

SlimJiminy Wed 29-Jan-14 11:20:33

OP I really think the suggestion of going back over your posts on this thread is a good suggestion. Look at everything you've told us. You've talked about what he says/thinks/wants, etc (possibly even more so than what you say/think/feel, etc) but have a long, hard think about what hundreds of strangers are telling you: this man is abusing you.

If nothing else, think about how growing up watching his mum being treated like this will affect your DS. Do you want him to think this is what normal couples are like? Or look at other families and wish his was like theirs?

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 29-Jan-14 12:08:57

I've been wondering if there's a way that I can emotionally start to detach myself.

I could end things now, but I don't trust myself not to go back when certain things are said/happen. And I've begun to feel hopeless.

I'm thinking I could perhaps slowly start to take myself mentally away from him.

TalisaMaegyr Wed 29-Jan-14 12:29:40

I don't understand what it is that he says/does that makes you go back confused

JackNoneReacher Wed 29-Jan-14 12:35:05

Wow, just read the whole thread.

What a horrible man.

This man treats you like dirt, then tells you you're lucky to have him. Blames you for everything from his weight to the fact that you were threatened by some drunks years ago. Obviously you are responsible for neither.

If one of my daughters was with a man like him I'd be devastated. Don't let your son think this is how people treat each other. Honestly, partners/friends/family don't behave like this towards each other and if he loved and respected you he wouldn't.

Block his number, don't open the door, don't have him back.

I'm thinking I could perhaps slowly start to take myself mentally away from him

Cognitive behavioural therapy could help you get out of the trap of repeating old behaviours, and allow you to do just that.

CSIJanner Wed 29-Jan-14 13:19:50

Dolls - I've just read the entire thread. You are lovely, you know, and despite your self esteem issues, you are defiantly worth a lot more than this guy. How is your son in all of this? Remember, for your DS, this has been his male role model for 5 years. Is that the type of man you want your son to grow to be? I think you're sweet and looking for the best in people, so I know what your answer is going to be to that.
Hi Jess

I have one medium and one large available. The medium they day is for up to 1 year but my little girls was still in it at 19months. Are those any good? I'm about tomorrow morning so can deliver for you if that makes life easier?
This man only thinks of himself, making himself feel better by belittling others. Why should anyone be on eggshells because of mood swings? A life in fear is a life half lived.

You said that you've been thinking about splitting but then think of the good times, ready to give it one last shot. That's what he's banking on - he'll refuse to talk about words or actions plus their effects. He'll probably be in his best behaviour for a couple of weeks I make you doubt yourself and feel grateful you're back together. But then that vicious cycle of abuse comes in again as unfortunately he will probably revert to type. His family wanted to meet you - he's fought it each time. Can you really say that either if you see a future in this relationship? Has he even collected his stuff yet? Deadlines passed now grin

The thing is, if you do give him one more chance, you're not giving yourself or your son one more chance. And there probably is that wonderful person out there for you. But until your unhindered by your ex, you won't be able to build your own self esteem up and find out for yourself. Stay strong and try to stop doubting yourself - his abusive words are the last ditch to try and control you again. You know you're better than his opinion grin

CSIJanner Wed 29-Jan-14 13:21:23

*pleas excuse the eBay message halfway through (am JJ tiny phone with big ham fingers). I meant the rest of it though grin

MinkBernardLundy Wed 29-Jan-14 13:50:53

dolls i think there are various techniques to detach including:

when he is ranting at you, trying to imagine yourself standing outside the situation watching the interaction,

imagining a scrolling sign on his forehead saying 'this is not true, i am talking BS' or something similar

thinking of a theme tune for his ranting and listening to that in your head.

These are just af ew I ahve headr suggested on the EA thread- which would in fact be an excellent place to post that question as I am sure the many wise heads there could come up with more and better answers.

also reading up about abuse- the more you know the more you recognise. Read Lundy. plus there are some links at the top of the EA thread on disengaging. Baggage reclaim etc.

I think this may be the right approach for you though. To make proper and thorough preparations to make this time the last time and the future one of your own choosing. Leaving is a process as much as a decision. (on the EA thread you will also find many who are or have been through the same process in their own time so there will be a lot of undertanding as to why LTB is not an instant thing)

Good luck thanks

Inertia Wed 29-Jan-14 14:20:00

I think that if you can't read or respond to his messages then that will help enormously- you were holding firm until you started to engage with him.

The first step would be to block his number on your phone so that you have no idea if he's attempted to contact you, and send all his emails straight to spam. If he comes to your house don't open the door under any circumstances, and be aware that you can call the police if he is threatening or harassing you and refuses to go away.

You won't be able to detach while you are still engaged in contact.

He's got you back by being an utter cunt to you confused
I can barely understand this.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 29-Jan-14 17:04:35

It isn't that he's got me back by being so vile.

Ok the only way I can explain it is like highs and lows. He can be really, really lovely and nice. We can have the best times, the best laughs, then for seemingly no reason or for a very small thing he can turn very nasty, uncaring, vile and you end up thinking it must be something you've done because he was so nice two days ago. Or you convince yourself the nasty isn't really him, it's him having a bad day/week. He also lies a lot but in a way I can't really prove he's lying, I've posted about it before. So I don't know if I'm coming or going. So I end up chasing after the highs.

When someone's quite horrible to you at first, and then they be overly nice to make up for it you can just feel relieved. Obviously sense would be to say you know what you're treating me like crap go away. But it becomes when you keep letting them do it. You're almost allowing him to regulate my happiness.

I'm not making much sense.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Wed 29-Jan-14 17:28:47

I'm also finding this thread hard to bear and I can walk away from it and not have to hear any of it. That's just frustration and concern talking Dolls

Please remember that no one here thinks it's going to be easy for you, but everyone wants your happiness and is willing to be a shoulder and try to help if they can.

Please think about two things.

This highs and lows thing and how he can be wonderful towards you (when he feels like it) and then be the polar opposite while at the same time blaming you for his behaviour - think of if I told you that you and your DS have to live now alternately eating good meals every day, and then starving. Would you sign up for that kind of life for you both if you could live a life of comfort?

Secondly, if you observed someone you care about having a relationship like this, how would you feel? what would you want them to do?

I'm so worried that you'll keep putting up with him and he's only going to drag you down and down and down sad

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 29-Jan-14 17:35:22

I have had this- it was great to be honest but never lasted more than a weekend- i just provided credit card details upon booking and made sure i checked out before 11am.

Oh wait, you mean you arent a hotelier and this guy is getting all of it for free? Weird. Where did you last see your self respect?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 29-Jan-14 17:48:08

Dolls I strongly suspect that the things that you feel are 'the best times, the best laughs' are what most of us would consider normality. But because he is so vile to you, and puts you down so badly - the better moments probably feel like sunshine from heaven.

What strikes me is that you somehow feel that you need his agreement to end the 'relationship', and yes I am putting commas around that.
He is never, ever, going to say 'Dolls you know what I am a lying, bullying arsehole, you're right. I shall do the right thing and leave you alone'. That is not going to happen.

The person I feel for most in all of this is your son. He deserves a happy and stable home, and a happy and stable mother. He has neither of those things at the moment, and they are only in your power to provide, no-one else's.

newsecretidentity Wed 29-Jan-14 18:09:31

It's ok, OP. If you're not ready, you're not ready. And if you take the suggestions and head over to the EA thread linked above, you'll find that plenty of other women are in your situation. Hang in there, build your strength and you'll end it when you can.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:10:29

As far as the idea of 'detaching slowly', would you rather have a limb amputated bit by bit and endure weeks of pain before you can begin to heal or have it removed in one fell swoop and be able to start the healing process right away?

He is not worthy of you. You seem to be a lovely person who deserves a partner who will treat you as an equal. Not some sodding p** who treats you like a convenience.

HazleNutt Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:25

listen to alibaba. I have a nice DH, he's nice and lovely all the time. Nice people are.

But from a previous relationship, I also know what it feels like to creep around on eggshells, as otherwise you might do something to upset the man. Because of course it's your fault. You simply cannot do anything right and keep upsetting him.

It's an exhausting way to live. And I didn't even see that, thought my abuser was the love of my life - just that I could not treat him right. If I would only be a little more of this and little less of that, he would be lovely all the time. Sounds familiar? They won't, though. Evil people won't be nice.

nauticant Wed 29-Jan-14 19:35:02

Returning to the relationship isn't great*, but it's not the worst thing. Far far worse would be to become pregnant by this poor excuse for a man.

If you can do one thing to help yourself before you gather up the courage to leave, taking great care over contraception would be it.

* there's always another opportunity to leave tomorrow

MinkBernardLundy Wed 29-Jan-14 19:37:00

dolls it is an addiction. the highs and lows. you get hooked on the drama because it is all you have known. it is hard to end when you are in a low because you need the high to pick you up and you don't feel the need to end on a high.

But it does need to end. like most addictions it is unhealthy.

If he wasn't in your life you could have the best of times most of the time.

In addition to this thread start keeping a log of shitty things he does. It will help you detach. you won't even realise quite how many of the things he does are abusive while you are in this rs as you are minimizing and making excuses for him but write down the things you do notice.

He is not having a bad day. he is nasty.

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 20:06:22

dolls bloody hell I've just read the thread!!! He has done a good bloody number on you hasn't he!

He has totally manipulated how you are feeling now, by the nice/horrible /nice tricks he is pulling.

You need to cut contact from this twisted fucker now .

Get a new number so he can't harass you any more. Take heed of what the women are posting and supporting you on here, they are right.

If you can not do it for your self then you better dig deep for your DS as you will be showing him how women are to be treated. Are you going to let this dick head warp your sons veiw on women, are you going to let him treat you like shit in front of your boy?

Get your head straight , stop with the contact and look out for your son!

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 20:08:01

By the way you ARE making sense! you are a classic abuse victim.

Pull your self together and do it for your son.

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 20:10:49

How can you find some one that will treat you right when you already have a fucking cunt taking the piss out of you.


nkf Wed 29-Jan-14 20:16:48

He sounds horrible. Just horrible. But it is so easy to get used to this sort of awful behaviour. I feel for you. I know how it can be. For me, a lightbulb moment was once after yet another moan fest from him about awful I was I thought, well I may be the worst wife in the world, but that's no reason to stay married. And I said it out loud. The shocked look on his face told me I was on to somthing. After that, he went on a charm offensive about how impressive I was. And I found myself saying well maybe, but you don't like what I am. You're always saying you don't. If he complains, tell him where to go. If he doesn't iike what you are, there is no reason for him to stay.

Mishmashfamily Wed 29-Jan-14 20:20:05

alba Dolls I strongly suspect that the things that you feel are 'the best times, the best laughs' are what most of us would consider normality. But because he is so vile to you, and puts you down so badly - the better moments probably feel like sunshine from heaven

That is spot on, when I met dp after a abusive relationship, I just couldn't believe my luck, our relationship was beyond amazing, when in reality which I know now was just a normal, loving, kind relationship.

It's fucking terrible what an abusive cunt can do to your mind - fucking criminal!

WhatAFeline Thu 30-Jan-14 19:19:14

Hi Dolls, still thinking of you, hope you are okay.

cees Thu 30-Jan-14 20:29:22

Your ds is you and your asshole partner is playing the part of your Father, do you want your son growing up and either treating or being treated like this and having the same issues as you in years to come.

I'm glad he hasn't moved in with you, you will be too I promise. Please be strong for your child, you both deserve so much better then this idiot manchild.

Monty27 Thu 30-Jan-14 22:22:04

Take the ass away from you and your son, and your potential happiness.

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