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To think you are not and are never going to be my DDs SM

(72 Posts)
BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:38:19

Name changed.

Ok In short (very short) DD (ExH) does not see her Dad, he does not contribute financially, ever ask after her or generally have anything to do with either of us.

His new girlfriend has been discussing her "step daughter" locally (meaning my daughter) and I am fuming. She has never and will never have anything to do with my DD. Her Father will never have anything to do with her either (his choice just to make that clear)

I'm not pissed off that he has a girlfriend and am most certainly not jealous, I left him a long time ago and I have never regretted that decision. What pisses me off is that this woman is going around referring to my daughter as her step child, they have been together approx 6 weeks.

WTAF? Do people actually think this is normal behaviour?

Monetbyhimself Wed 22-Jan-14 16:40:30

It's a word. It means nothing. And she'll look like an idiot when her family and friends expect to actually SEEthis mythical step child.

Smile and ignore!

WaffilyVersatile Wed 22-Jan-14 16:40:48

its just semantics. she is her partners child so what else would she call her?

I would be more pissed off that she was apparently gossiping I think.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:42:03

I know, and I know it shouldn't bother me but it just annoys me that they are using my DD to try and make them look like a family when he was never part of a family with my DD in the first place.

The rage will pass... Eventually. I am not planning on doing or saying anything just really needed to vent. MN seems like the best place sometimes.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:42:38

she is her partners child so what else would she call her?

My boyfriends daughter you know the one he has nothing to do with

needaholidaynow Wed 22-Jan-14 16:47:00

YANBU. She is her boyfriend's or partner's daughter.

That's what I call DSD in real life (on here I call her DSD for simplicity) and I see her half of the week!

Again, YANBU.

baskingseals Wed 22-Jan-14 16:51:33

Yanbu, this would really cheese me off too.

happygirl87 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:54:24

I refer to my fiance's daughter as DSD, because it's quicker. We look after her regularly, and I (personally) have bought her presents, school uniform, meals out and birthday trips, been to her birthday parties and school plays, taught her to knit, helped with homework and spellings, stood down on tantrums, made fancy dress costumes, read school reports, got up for nightmares, and taken temperature when she's sick/held her hair back while she vommited. Every year I take her out to buy father's day and bday presents for my DP. We have also fixed a date for the wedding this year, so in 11 months she really will be my DSD. So I suppose I may be more "qualified" to use the term than your ex's gf, who has no role, but I don't think it's odd to use the term per se- for speed and ease. It is odd to be "discussing" her though- as neither of them see her I can't imagine they'd have much to say?!

happygirl87 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:55:17

(In RL I say stepdaughter)

SaucyJack Wed 22-Jan-14 16:56:02


I never presumed to call my ex's son my step-child.

DollyHouse Wed 22-Jan-14 16:57:55

Yanbu. It'd be different if she was actually involved at all but she's not.

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 22-Jan-14 16:59:12


Presumably, she's never met your DD so very odd to refer to her as DSD.

MangeToutRodders Wed 22-Jan-14 16:59:59

She's just going to look a bit silly when people realise he has nothing to do with his daughter and she has never even met her.

Let it go, pity her for being daft.

Lemonfairydust Wed 22-Jan-14 17:01:15

If your ex has nothing to do with her, I wonder why this woman is even mentioning your dd at all?

Gossiping about a child neither of them have contact with will come back to bite her in the bum, as she will look an idiot when people realise neither your ex or his partner have contact with the step child she prattles on about. It would annoy me also, but try not to let stupid people ruin your day smile

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:01:32

I'm not going to lie, I don't particularly like the term when used by a lot of people however there are exceptions obviously your story is one where it wouldn't bother me but my situation, it's really rubbed me up the wrong way.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:02:59

Nope never laid eyes on her. Probably never will.

WorraLiberty England Wed 22-Jan-14 17:09:49

YANBU, she sounds weird.

Who told you she's been saying this?

BruthasTortoise Wed 22-Jan-14 17:12:15

Not entirely sure why you care. This woman will seem silly to anyone she speaks to and I'm not sure that the people reporting back to you aren't actually doing it for a bit of shit stirring iyswim.

BeverlyMoss Wed 22-Jan-14 17:13:43

I was just thinking the same Worra, what good does it do telling you he said/she said - it's only upsetting you, not really helping anyone.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:15:26

My brother overheard her in the local pub... He's not shit stirring would just rather it came from him than someone else.

Alifelivedforwards Wed 22-Jan-14 17:15:28

I would feel exactly the same as you.

But please, please just ignore her. Ignore the gossip. Rise above it.

She will look like a dick when people start asking her questions and she has to admit she's not met your dd.

pictish Wed 22-Jan-14 17:15:34

She probably thinks it makes her and her relationship sound more important and solid than she or it, is.
I don't see what you can do about it though. Ignore the silly moo.

WorraLiberty England Wed 22-Jan-14 17:17:59

But can you be sure it was your DD she was talking about, when he overheard the conversation?

Perhaps she has a real step daughter?

It would make more sense anyway.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:20:42

She called her by name and was talking about me also. My brother told her to wind her neck in before leaving. Apparently she wasn't best pleased to be outed as a liar in front of company.

WorraLiberty England Wed 22-Jan-14 17:22:39

Oh right, then she really is weird!

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:25:00

Agreed i

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:25:31

I am starting to

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:26:30

Bloody phone... Starting to calm down now. Less pissed and more bemused.

WorraLiberty England Wed 22-Jan-14 17:31:42

I wonder if she was just saying it to wind your brother/you up?

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:32:43


BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:32:59

She doe

AmberLeaf Wed 22-Jan-14 17:35:37

if she is a new girlfriend then maybe your ex has been less than honest about his relationship with your daughter?
not uncommon for an absent father to suddenly get a renewed interest in their child when there's a new girlfriend on the scene.

Tigerstripes Wed 22-Jan-14 17:38:28

But what could she have to say about a child she's never met? And presumably her father doesn't know much about her life either. I agree with other posters that she was doing it to make her relationship sound more serious but she couldn't have much to talk about!

WorraLiberty England Wed 22-Jan-14 17:39:39

I can't help thinking how apt the OP's NN is...considering she's having posting problems grin

JapaneseMargaret Wed 22-Jan-14 17:40:45

Oh, God <cringe> for her.

She is totally embarrassing herself, for reasons known only to herself. Why would anyone call a child they've never met, by a feckless man who has nothing to do with said child, their step daughter...?!

She's a few cells short, I think, poor dear.

NatashaBee Wed 22-Jan-14 17:44:11

YANBU, but she is the one who made a spectacle of herself by being shown up as a liar, so I would let it go and smirk to yourself about it.

JapaneseMargaret Wed 22-Jan-14 17:44:48

Seriously, you cannot let people like this wind you up.

The appropriate reaction is bemused amusement. The only thing guaranteed to take the wind out of their sails.

Rosencrantz Wed 22-Jan-14 17:47:04

Agree with everyone else. Just semantics.

She's probably too stupid to realize stepmother is a totally different thing to Dad's girlfriend. Or that 'stepmother' implies some kind of permanence in your daughters life.

Make sure to have a good chuckle at her expense when then inevitably break up, OP. 6 weeks is a joke!

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw Wed 22-Jan-14 17:52:49

YANBU, not because you have to be married to be a SM but because he has no relationship. I think a PP has it right - she's trying to big herself up and make out the relationship is more than it is. She will make herself look silly. Try to ignore, you are the parent who is in your DD's life and she knows that.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 18:58:08

Haha Worra yes I think it is quite fitting in this case.

My phone was playing up so I gave up until I was home and the little one tucked up.

What I was trying to say... Was I doubt she would have actually known who my brother was but it is a possibility I guess. He doesn't stay here anymore and was by pure chance he happened to be there, was going to my Mum's and had forgotten his key so had to wait on her getting home from work.

I think you are all possibly right in that she is trying to make their relationship sound more serious, either that or she is just a very silly little girl that doesn't realise I know everyone who drinks in that pub and they are all aware of the fact I am very much a single mum. It's a very small village and people know more than they let on.

I have pretty much cooled off now although I think a little wine is on the cards grin

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 19:50:40

Ok so back to boiling point. My DM just rang me and said DB hadn't wanted to tell me she was showing off pics of my DD angry

They were pictures her Granny took at my home and must of sent them on to her son - fair enough. But why the fuck does his girlfriend have them on her phone? And why is she showing pictures of my child to people???

BruthasTortoise Wed 22-Jan-14 20:15:08

I really think this has to fall under "don't sweat the small stuff." What affect is this going to have on your life or your DDs life? None. What can be done about it? Nothing. She looks like a fool, so just leave her to it.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:19:00

I know none and I can't do anything I'm just pissed off. Can't help it.

She's lucky it wasn't me in the pub (I don't drink there anyway for obvious reasons) but I think I would have made sure her phone took a swim in the nearest pint.

BruthasTortoise Wed 22-Jan-14 20:33:50

Don't blame you for being pissed off at all but take comfort in the fact that she looks completely stupid in what's she's doing.

giggleshizz Wed 22-Jan-14 20:39:55

Well exp started referring to OW as dd's stepmother while I was five months pregnant (he'd been with her about 6 weeks at this point)!! Beat that confused . Funny how neither of them are in dd's life now (she's 15 months now).

Anyhoot you are most certainly not being unreasonable. I went apeshit! Just try and rise above it and get on with yours and your dd life. I do know how it feels though. Grrrr.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:40:28

Yes, I do enjoy stupid people... hmm

I will need to try and sit back and laugh. No wine for me tonight now, I don't think it would keep my cool in check. Bath and early bed. My head is sore from all this thinking. It isn't good for you grin

SnakeyMcBadass Wed 22-Jan-14 20:43:05

That would piss me off, too. It's the idea of someone having pics of my DC who doesn't actually know them and showing them to randoms as if they are somehow connected to her. Yeah, that would boil my piss. But there is nothing you can do without it going all 'Jeremy Kyle', so rise above it. Smile, knowing that she hasn't a fucking clue and has been landed with your ex, the kind of man who abandons a child. Yeah, she loses grin

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:47:03

Doesn't need to go all 'Jeremy Kyle' it could go all 'Jerry Springer' haha.

You are right though. Rise above it. I will certainly try.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:49:49

Oh wait I mean 'Jerry Springer' without the flashing.

Although I do have a pretty good rack if I do say so myself hmm...

She is odd, no normal person would do this. And your ExP sounds a right catch. Not!

Even after 8 years of knowing my SD it still sounds/feels funny but is the easiest way to explain my relationship with her.

Pilgit Wed 22-Jan-14 20:52:45

YANBU. This would pass me off too. My wicked stop mother tries to treat me and my sister as if we are her step children. It Is Ridiculous. She came into our lives when I was 25 and sister 28 and she is only 10 years older than my sister. She seems to think sh r should get some sort of parental defference because of her relationship with dad. This is just another of the reasons why she is the only person I actively dislike. I feel your pain op. The level of care and involvement the term implies simply isn't there. People will see her as a lunatic!

BohemianGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 20:54:59

Apparently she wasn't best pleased to be outed as a liar in front of company.

OP you are pot/kettle/black by virtue of this thread

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:55:16

It is all rather odd when I think about it logically without the red mist.

I think my brother handled it well at the same time as outing her as a liar so she is probably looking pretty foolish right now.

It's just hard not getting worked up. It's basically a perfect stranger acting like she is some sort of parent to my child. It annoys me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't.

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:56:04

Sorry I don't follow BH...

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 21:01:45

Sorry that was meant to say I don't follow BG

BohemianGirl what do you mean by that?

BadChat25 Wed 22-Jan-14 21:20:43

I'm a little confused... Did I miss something here?

missymayhemsmum Thu 23-Jan-14 21:54:50

Sounds like the poor silly girl is building castles in the air. YANBU to be pissed off tho.
If you are really lucky she will take him on, kick his arse into contributing and fulfilling his responsibilities and become a beloved dsm to your dd, which is perhaps where she's dreaming? Stranger things have happened
Ok, maybe that's another flying castle....

VivaLeBeaver Thu 23-Jan-14 21:59:01

She sounds a bit dim. Ignore.

BadChat25 Fri 24-Jan-14 19:21:26

I think you're right. Living in a dream world comes to mind...

AwfulMaureen Fri 24-Jan-14 19:38:04

YANBU. In my mind a Step Mother is someone who lives with her partner's children and has full time care...say in cases where the bio Mum has passed away or left....and the child sees more of the Step Mum than she does her own Mum....THAT is a SM....not the girlfriend of the child's Dad!

dawntigga Fri 24-Jan-14 20:01:44

OP I think BG is indicating that what she did, locally, around people you know and know your ex-p is entirely the same as coming on here, to an anonymousish forum and venting without naming any names.


Sallyingforth Fri 24-Jan-14 20:07:24

Calm down, OP. If she could see how jealous you are being she would consider she has got one over you. Just let it go.
By the way, why isn't the child's father contributing financially?

SumBex Fri 24-Jan-14 20:21:59

This would make me livid as well angry.

I agree with Amber that perhaps the new relationship has rekindled his interest in his DD. I wonder if he's filling her head with crap but it's still really odd behaviour whichever way you look at it.

YANBU. and just ignore BG, she only posts in order to be contrary hmm.

SpottyDottie Fri 24-Jan-14 21:59:23

I would be livid too. Its very odd that she has photos on her phone. Your brother missed a trick there and should have asked her to delete them.

Daykin Fri 24-Jan-14 22:07:55

Very odd. She is probably trying to nail herself to her bf and big up their relationship.
I have a friend who refers to her dsd as her dd but tbf, she has met her. I still think it's odd though. She'll introduce her as 'our eldest' and put on FB things like 'having a mummy and daughter pampering day' or 'so glad my baby is coming home today' when she is coming for contact (they have her for half the holidays)
She is a lovely woman in other respects, but, like I say - a bit odd

wonderingsoul Fri 24-Jan-14 22:08:20

ohh ydnbu

exh girlfriend did this.. talking how she wa sso excited to post a letter to her boys ( this letter was from ex andwas the second or third one in 4 years)

omg did i shout and fume to my friends whilst they poured me wine.

SanityClause Fri 24-Jan-14 22:16:52

Do you think your ex may have given her a bit of a line about being a father? Some men do use babies as a sort of chat up line.

To be fair to her, she's only been win him for six weeks. She's only seen his best behaviour, yet, and hasn't had time to work out what an arse he is (I assume, anyway, or he wouldn't be your ex!).

UsingMyRedPen Fri 24-Jan-14 22:18:02

I call my DP's DD my step daughter, even though we aren't married. However we have been together 5 years, we have her with us all the time and I have cared for her as though she were mine, so I fell I have good grounds to. Agree, your ex's new gf seems a bit quick if she's calling her that after 6 weeks.

SaucyJack Fri 24-Jan-14 22:21:33

That isn't odd in the slightest Daykin hmm if she actually has a parent-child relationship with her SD. That's nice.

UsingMyRedPen Fri 24-Jan-14 22:26:29

In my mind a Step Mother is someone who lives with her partner's children and has full time care...say in cases where the bio Mum has passed away or left....and the child sees more of the Step Mum than she does her own Mum....THAT is a SM....not the girlfriend of the child's Dad!

Bollocks to this, frankly. The strict definition of a step mum is the woman who is married to the childs father so regardless of the status of the childs mum, the step mum will still be a step mum if they marry the dad. This is also quite an unfair statement as it suggests a woman cant take a parental role in a childs life if their mum is alive. My DSD has two sets of parents - mum and step dad, and dad and me. neither sets of parents are married and we all accept each others roles in DSD'd life. we are ALL her parents.

Daykin Fri 24-Jan-14 23:37:52

Believe me, saucyjack, it sounds weird. She has been doing it right from the beginning of their relationship, so after only spending a few hours with her dsd. She has been with the dad for 3 years and the dsd in almost 18 so it does sound odd when she calls herself 'Mummy' and I would have found it very cringy as a 15 yo if my Dad's new gf had said that. I also think it's odd to put stuff on FB that her actual mother can see "So proud of my beautiful daughter" etc. rather than 'So proud of Gertrude'. It's nice that she likes her but I maintain that it's odd. I think the 'this is our eldest' remarks are to get a reaction, tbh, given that there is less than 10 years between them. I don't know any other step parents who constantly say 'my daughter' instead of 'DH's daughter/my dsd/or their name. Maybe I'm sheltered. It's like that episode of Seinfeld when they're at a party and Elaine gets stuck with a woman who says 'my fiancÚ' over and over
She's a nice woman, and the Dad had fuck all to do with his dd for over 10 years before he started dating my friend so overall I think her impact has been very positive. I still think it's odd.

BillyBanter Fri 24-Jan-14 23:49:37

There is no way of looking at this that doesn't make this woman's behaviour decidedly odd. However your Ex has portrayed his relationship with his DD it's weird to talk about a DSD when you've never met and are only 6 weeks into a relationship. I'd be annoyed to but at least you know that anyone who matters, and even those who don't, know full well she's full of bullshit.

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