AIBU to feel hurt by my friends?

(139 Posts)
Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 18:59:05

I posted this in chat too, but haven't had a response. I know I'm going to sound very childish in this post, but need some advice on how change how I feel about a situation. I became friends with friend A when we were both pregnant, we got on very well and met friend b at baby groups, we used to meet up for walks and lunches when our dc's were babies. I met friend c at another group, she was struggling to cope with her baby and I invited her to some of our lunches, she became a firm friend of us all. We had a few evenings together as families, all got on well. I've recently found out that they have been meeting up all together without me, and are now all going on holiday together. I feel very hurt, I have mentioned it friend c, who replied that some friendships just work, I know this is true, but just can't stop feeling really hurt, and wondering what I've done. We still see each other during the week sometimes when the dc's are at school, it's meeting up as families that I don't get the invites to. I feel really hurt and upset,AIBU?

CoffeeTea103 Tue 21-Jan-14 19:01:08

Yanbu, there has to be a reason. That's mean of them. Could you speak to friend A to find out what's going on?

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Tue 21-Jan-14 19:01:51

Not at all. It would be upsetting, sounds like you need to make some new friends. flowers

DevonFolk Tue 21-Jan-14 19:03:53

Wow that's hard. Is there any chance there's been a problem between children/husbands that you don't know about?

Aww sad. I am not surprised that you feel hurt. It is hard to know what you can do about it though. It may not be about you though. Perhaps their DH's get on particularly well or perhaps it's to do with the kids.
Do you have other friends that you can spend time with?

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:04:21

Thank you. I've only spoken to friend c as she doesn't work, Nd friend a doesn't get back till later. Friend C said I haven't done anything, it's just that different people get on, but we all used to get on!

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 21-Jan-14 19:05:33

Are there any issues with your kids or husband?

dozeydoris Tue 21-Jan-14 19:06:07

Threes a crowd usually, so their new arrangement sounds doomed to me.

Rosieliveson Tue 21-Jan-14 19:06:40

This seems a bit mean.
Is it worth bringing it up when you're all together? Do you know of any issues with the DCs or husbands? Only thing I can think of.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:07:00

The dc's are all at different schools, so don't get seeing each other much. My dh is quite shy, and it takes him a while to get talking, I don't know if that's it or not. I've got other friends, I think it's just hit hard today as the friendship obviously wasn't seen by them how it was seen by me.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:08:07

Rosie we have no time arranged to meet up together, they seem to do it without telling me.

scratchandsniff Tue 21-Jan-14 19:08:42

I'd be upset too. Not a nice situation to be in. I wonder if they have a problem with your DH if you're still included when it's just the four of you.

Brittabot Tue 21-Jan-14 19:08:56

Poor you, that's mean of them. It does sound like you get on with them, and it's the husbands or children that there's an issue with? I hope they have the courtesy to let you know why.

toomuchtooold Tue 21-Jan-14 19:09:24

YANBU. You're better off without them, Crazeeladee!

Nancy66 Tue 21-Jan-14 19:10:41

it is mean and I understand you feeling hurt.

You need to let it go though and concentrate on your other friendships. Perhaps it was your shy husband, perhaps if was that the other two just had more in common. You don't really need to know because even if they welcomed you back it would feel sour now.

Some people just aren't very nice. Fuck 'em !

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:14:48

Thanks for all your support, felt like I was going mad, it's good to know others would feel the same x

maddening Tue 21-Jan-14 19:15:36

I would speak to friend a - and explain that friend c has essentially told you that you weren't invited as they don't consider you to be someone they got on with as her reason was "different people just get on with each other"

if it is the case that they have effectively chosen to evict you from the friendship group at least you will know and have the chance to know why.

it could be that you have been wendied unwittingly by friend c?

ladymontdore Tue 21-Jan-14 19:15:56

Never introduce friends to other friends! That sounds mean but I'm beginning to think it's a good rule!

roweeena Tue 21-Jan-14 19:16:00

That's not nice. It will be hard but you need to just rise above them and put your efforts into other friendships.

facedontfit Tue 21-Jan-14 19:18:54

Exactly the same thing happened to me, YANBU to be hurt. I was very hurt for a long time. Life goes on, stiff upper lip and all that!

Rosieliveson Tue 21-Jan-14 19:21:54

Aw, I'm sorry for you. May be best to draw a line under that friendship. They are the ones in the wrong and I hope that dawns on them and they feel rotten!

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:25:15

We've all had this I guess. With couples mixing (and children) there is more scope for mismatch. Its one of the reasons that I prefer to have my friends and dh prefers to have his rather than trying to achieve a 'couple fit' - invariably the husbands get on like a house on fire whilst the wives don't gel or vice versa. I had a close friend - we both got married and had children. We all went away for a family holiday with husbands and kids but I found her dh hard work (as did my husband)and that spelt the end of that friendship (she lives too far away for it to be practical for me to see her on her own). In another group of friends we all like the woman and the man but their daughter is toxic and insidiously bullies our children, so we try to avoid family outings involving them. None of us have told them what the problem is - what can you say, your child is a terror?

In turn we've been left out in the cold by a couple we were previously friendly with - my dh and hers get on, but I think she finds me a bit difficult to stomach (she's a bit vanilla whereas I can be brash).

Optimist1 Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:10

Quite understand why you're feeling hurt, and I tend to agree with other posters that the dynamic between your husbands or children isn't great. If you like them, keep up the friendship with the women but keep it on a without-families basis. (One of my oldest friends and I - 20+ years - have maintained a girls-only friendship because our OHs were like chalk and cheese.)

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:21

Have you read the Wendy threads OP this is a familiar tale.
I'm sorry that is shitty of them sad

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:48

Don't wish to be dismissive though - it's life but it still hurts. Don't think there is necessarily any animosity involved though

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:31:39

Yes, think I will stop trying to force a families friendship and leave it as the four of us, although think it'll be a bit of time before I face them without feeling like this. I'll have a search for the Wendy threads, thanks .

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:36:49

That's exactly it! Friend C is a Wendy! thanks

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:38:07

That's understandable - but you might feel more resigned to it after a bit of time and able to resume a girls only friendship with gusto. Don't throw the baby out of the bath water - it may be that friends a, b and c wish it was otherwise too....

(I'm still smarting that one of my closest friends is having less to do with us because her partner doesn't gel with either me or my dh - I know its likely this to this because she let slip that it is now tricky staying in touch with her children's godmother because her partner doesn't like the godmother {who is her oldest childhood friend}. Her partner seems to have strong opinions on lots of people!)

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:39:21

Blimey - think I need to read these Wendy threads too

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 21-Jan-14 19:43:01

Thought so sad my guess is friend c is setting up all these family get togethers and telling A and B various reasons you're not there. I would organise one yourself and ask them when you're all together be t time and watch. 'Friend' C squirm

Hissy Tue 21-Jan-14 19:45:32

Fucking Wendy strikes again! Sorry Crazee that's shit! sad

pigletmania Tue 21-Jan-14 19:47:23

Gosh how awful. Organise things without c there. She sounds a bit awful and no friend.

Halfling Tue 21-Jan-14 19:54:25

Time to distance the friendship with this group IMO. There is too much backstory here and you may find it difficult to pretend you are ok with all this, when you are with A, B and C.

Withdraw a little bit and focus more on friendships and relations in your life that are working.

I was in a similar situation a few years back. We were a really tight group of 4 friends meeting 2-3 times a week, spending family weekends at Cotswolds, Centreparcs together and the works. Then I realised that there were many meet ups and excursions that I was being excluded from. I distanced myself from them as I was very hurt.

Soon came to know that on of them (the group's alpha) was going through a personal crisis, with her DS being diagnosed with autism. As our DSs are the same age, she found it difficult to be around my DS and found herself comparing the two of them. The other friends DCs were very small so she did not mind being around them so much.

They later made a lot of effort to get back with me, but I just did not feel the connection anymore. While I understood her issues, I had moved on. We still bump into each other, things are cordial, we invite the DCs to the birthdays etc. but don't meet up anymore. The whole group has broken down due to other issues which have nothing to do with me.

All I am trying to say is, don't take this personally. Sometimes, it is not about you but about what is going on in the other person's life. Your feelings are valid. It hurts to be rejected. But at times like these, it is best to hold your head up high and move on.

juicyjuice Tue 21-Jan-14 19:56:49

C's response to your question is weird- why would she say that? What does that even mean? I can understand why you would be hurt about this. Try not to let it get to you (easier said than done, I know!).
It is possible the husbands don't get on- I have friends who I see on my own as my dh is quite 'unusual' in his tastes and hobbies so doesn't have much in common with their dh's- he doesn't drink, has no interest in sport etc. When we socialise as a couple it tends to be with his friends. Not all friends will end up being 'couple' or 'family' friends unfortunately.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:58:05

Halfling how long did it take you to stop feeling so hurt? It's a mix of anger , embarrassment and loss at the moment.

JackieOHH Tue 21-Jan-14 19:58:06

In your OP you say that C says " some friendships just work"
I'd be asking what the hell that means?? Is she passively saying they all get on and you're not part of that now? That seems a very mean thing to say, like she's revelling in your pain....
A true friend would either offer help & or advice, or would honestly & genuinely say " I don't see the problem as you see it, we all still love you"
But "some friendships just work" is a non statement and she sounds likes. Bitch.
It's like in the playground " we're not your friend anymore and we don't like you"
I hope you have better friends somewhere and I definatley think she's poisoning your other friends minds.

eddielizzard Tue 21-Jan-14 20:02:00

hurts like hell.

time to distance and find other friends. but very very hurtful. often the reason is absolutely nothing to do with you - maybe your dh being shy means the others feel awkward. who knows? point is, it's probably totally out of your control so try not to take it personally.

there are other lovely people out there.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:03:29

Jackie - the text read "different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify" sad

CiderBomb Tue 21-Jan-14 20:11:43

Maybe you could remind her that she wouldn't be friends with these people in the first place if it were not for you?

She sounds like a cow tbh.

PollyPutTheKettle Tue 21-Jan-14 20:12:12

YANBU and I have to say that was a tactless text. If it were me I would have to ask one of them in person. I know I wouldn't get the truth but it would make me feel better.

I don't what to suggest other then walk away from them. They don't sound good friends to be honest.

Foodylicious Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:20

You say you have found out that they are all meeting up without you - do you sometimes do the organsing of coffee/lunches or how you used to meet up? the other 2 might just think you are not that interested if you are not actively organising to see them/inviting them.
maybe get in touch with A or B and see if they want to meet up for a bit, focus on the individual friendships instead of all getting on/together as a group.

Whatever is or is not going on with the others C is clearly being a cow and I would be upset if it was me too. I never like how situations like this make me feel like a child again sad

emsyj Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:25


That is a nasty text. Whatever happens, c is not your friend. Would you feel comfortable inviting a and b to do something and leave her out? Then see what a and b say when they come and see she's not there?

maddening Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:57

Crikey if you have it as a text then I would arrange a coffee with whoever you feel closest to out of a and b and just ask what this is about - explain your question and show her the text.

Do it in a non accusatory way and show that you are genuinely confused by this response and just wanted to know if this was a general consensus and if so and she wants to end the friendship you just want to know what you have done.

do it face to face as her reaction will tell you everything - if it is a general consensus of wishing to end he friendship then she will likely already know about the text conversation with c, if she is genuinely be puzzled then friend c is a wendy - it might be enough hard evidence to put doubt in to friend a/b s mind re c.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:17:43

OP - that's not a very nice text to get, no wonder you're upset. Rather than slink away, it might be an idea to text a or b and ask if you can call for a quick chat. Then just just tell them you've been feeling a bit excluded and what c said to you. tbh it might be too late, and sthing similar happened with me, and it is really yucky.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:20:00

by the way, how much longer did you know a and b before c, and how long did the 3 of you hang out together? If the others are longer-standing friends then it might be salvagable.....then come and tell us what happens...on mn it seems nobody actually asks what is going on - I think just go straight to a and b, c's text shows she is a cow

Halfling Tue 21-Jan-14 20:22:06

Crazeeladee, I remember being miserable and in tears for so many days. It felt worse than a breakup. It really hit me hard!

But I got over things pretty soon, after around 2-3 weeks. I discovered I was pregnant with DC2, my parents came for a month long visit, a lovely new neighbour moved in next door (who is now a really good friend) and my focus shifted.

I read the Wendy threads and C sounds like a Wendy through and through. You could try some of the suggestions mentioned there.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:23:12

I've tried organising things, it always seems to be difficult to get everyone free at the same weekend. We are supposed to be out on Sunday for a meal but I think I've burnt my bridges now. I hadn't heard back from friend b, I told this to friend c a few weeks ago and she advised me just to leave it.

DoJo Tue 21-Jan-14 20:24:32

It's a tricky one as sometimes friendships do just run their course and there isn't really a specific reason for it. It sounds as though this might have happened with your group, but it's definitely not unreasonable to feel hurt and a bit abandoned by it. Could you ask one of the others in the group why they aren't inviting you? It sounds as though C has given a vague reason, but perhaps one of the other two would be able to be a bit more forthright. If you aren't planning on seeing them any more anyway, it could be worth thrashing it out so that if it is something specific you can decide whether it's something you want to change or just something which requires a different group of friends.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:24:54

stop confiding anything more in 'friend' c, she sounds tactless and not acting with your best interests at heart.

Foodylicious Tue 21-Jan-14 20:30:12

I would just text A then and ask if you are still meeting up on Sunday

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:31:24

doJo and poopadoop I think I will, it's just been easier as c doesn't work and a and b work full time, so I've seen her more often through the week. I think it's time I saw the others though.

Adeleh Tue 21-Jan-14 20:36:29

Friend C is a bitch. That's a horrible text. thanks I'd be upset with this situation, and v hurt. Agree with focussing on other, better friends.

emsyj Tue 21-Jan-14 20:37:32

Don't let c edge you out. She does NOT speak for a and b. Meet up with them and show them the text. Say nothing negative about c. Be confused, be hurt - but don't criticise c. Then sit back and watch their reaction and hear what they have to say.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:38:36

Yes OP, you do that, don't be available to talk or see this c person for the rest of this week, just bypass her and go straight to the others. You don't need her to mediate their feelings to you.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:44:59

I'm working the rest of the week on very long shifts, so I think I'll cancel the meet up on Sunday (if it's not already cancelled) and arrange to meet a on Monday. Thank you all for understanding x

yummymumtobe Tue 21-Jan-14 20:52:19

Something that hasn't been mentioned is money - eg are they going on holiday to places you can't afford? Maybe they think you aren't in the same 'bracket' as them or something? This is horrible of them, I know, but possible?

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:56:42

Hmm, maybe. It's only Spain though, friend b and c have only one of them working in each couple,friend a and us have both people working. I don't know if they are in a hotel or villa or what, only found out through mutual friends today that they are going.

Belize Tue 21-Jan-14 21:02:06

Oh god that's so hurtful, really feel for you xx

NewBeginings Tue 21-Jan-14 21:07:16

Definitely grass her up to a and b, they may have no idea and shouldn't be tarred with the same brush. If it turns out that they are wankers too then you're better off without the lot of them.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:12:09

I can imagine that c will have texted them tonight to tell them, probably doing lots of tutting!

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:18:37

Just had a text from a, saying she's spoken to c, she's sorry I feel upset about the way that friendships have evolved, then just signed off "catch up soon"

CoffeeTea103 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:20:44

Wow they are nasty, and you know what they suit each other well. Cut your losses, and be glad that you found out their true colors now rather than investing yourself more in these people.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 21:21:17

Crazee, don't drive yourself - eh - crazee thinking about them texting one another. It is really shitty for you, but if you can in any way be slightly breezy and light-hearted with a and b, I think that's the way to go. If you fear c is making out that you're weird and needy, then don't let them see that.

onedev Tue 21-Jan-14 21:23:03

Cut your losses - they all sound horrible with no thought for your feelings whatsoever. All the best Op.

yummymumtobe Tue 21-Jan-14 21:25:14

Horrible people. Obvs just not meant to be. Focus on your other friends. Always hard bringing partners into the mix I think and it seems to have spoiled the dynamic in this case. Happened with me too. I have 2 mum friends, we all met one weekend with partners too and me and dh just found the partners quite dull and didn't really enjoy conversation etc. I think they still meet as a foursome but I just see the mums.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 21:25:47

That sounds upsetting but you don't know what c has said, now you've had a text from a, I think you should text back to ask when she's free for a quick chat - you could add - 'nothing heavy' - and just call or see her and say you've been a little upset at being excluded, but feel c has been unkind. Then ltb(s)

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:27:25

Thank you, I know what you are all saying makes sense. Just have to face it now sad

Viviennemary Tue 21-Jan-14 21:27:44

It is mean. I hadn't heard this 'Wendy' term till I came on MN. I wonder if any of your friends is a Wendy. I've never gone on holiday with friends as couples though have been asked once or twice. But I have taken other children away with mine and vice versa which has worked well. Because the likelihood of four couples and their children all getting on well enough for a holiday would be extremely remote. Sorry to be pessimistic!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 21-Jan-14 21:31:20

Looks like they are all bitches, then sad. They're not sorry at all. I'd be tempted to text all three a group text saying something along the lines of what CiderBomb said above - that they wouldn't be friends if it wasn't for you, and tell them that you're sorry they feel they have to ostracise you this way and that it may be best if they don't contact you again as you'd rather have positive people in your life, not negative ones (if that's what you want, of course).

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:42:10

Softkitty, good idea, might try talking to a or b in the flesh first, and see if that changes anything x

LEMmingaround Tue 21-Jan-14 21:42:27

Ugghhh, they sound like a bunch of cunts you are better off without them

alma123 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:45:41

That happened to me, although in my case a new person joined the group and I don't think she liked me so I was cut out of the picture. She was inviting the others round to hers but not me and they fell for it. It hurt my feelings but now at least I don't have to pretend to like her for the sake of my ex friends.

alma123 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:45:53

Yes, mine was a Wendy scenario.

SparkleToffee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:47:12

They are being very cowish..... Poor you it does really hurt. Tbh I wouldn't text them i would cancel plans faking child illness for Sunday and rise above it. I can assure you 100% their new clique won't last. Don't let them know how you feel now that they have shown true colours.

If you text saying you only know each other because of me, just imagine the gossiping at their next catch up !! I would text A back saying, no you aren't upset, just wanted to make sure everything was ok, and then distance distance distance. The coven will soon break over this holiday or something else.

The older I get the more I realise that I love my close friends, but all this big gangs meeting together thing is just too much like hard work! IMO 8 people plus kids ( as in the size of your social group) very rarely all get in with one another with no friction or tension .

You found out what they are like so be glad you aren't the same as them snd their childish games

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 21:56:22

Thank you, I've not been on mn for long, but am so grateful for all this support and advice,thanks again xx

paddyclampo Tue 21-Jan-14 21:56:55

My guess is that Friend C has told the other 2 a pack of lies about you - I'd speak (not text) them out of earshot of Wendy!

emsyj Tue 21-Jan-14 21:58:01

I wouldn't be able to help myself from replying to that text from a - probably something sarcastic and not very clever, but as far as I can see, they're not nice and you should cut them all out so it wouldn't do any harm to try and get some answers.

I've known a few arseholes in my time, and I can tell you from experience OP that when one crappy friend exits your life, within a year a better one comes along to fill their place.

Leave the 6 of them to their horribleness - it's only a matter of time before they all start turning on each other, then it will get really messy - and you'll be off sipping wine with nice people and won't be involved at all - hurrah!

sallysoubriquet Tue 21-Jan-14 22:03:11

Bloody well said Sparkletoffee.

Crazee some people are fucking bitches just because they can be and it's not against the law and there will always be some snivelling little hangers on to empower them. Ignore ignore ignore, other than to thank your lucky stars you no longer have to be part of it.

Ftr there is of course truth in the fact that some people gel better than others...but this happens naturally, organically and mutually, not with one person orchestrating it and another feeling really hurt. PLEASE don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you are upset...which is why I think Toffee's suggestion is bang on.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:05:34

Another text from c, saying she feels like she's back in high school.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:08:00

Emsyj - you are right, dd2 has just started school and have got a good group of friends from there that meet up for coffees, meals out etc.

sallysoubriquet Tue 21-Jan-14 22:09:33

Another text from c, saying she feels like she's back in high school.

Yes I bet she does...another classic Wendy ploy, projecting her own atrocious behaviour on to you.

You sound too nice to say it so I will say it safely for you here

Friend C you are a fucking cunting bitch: just go away and stay away.

Well I feel better now if you don't

cake winecake winecake winecake winecake winecake winecake winecake wine

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 21-Jan-14 22:09:57

C is a total bitch, just block her number and have nothing more to do with her.

CiderBomb Tue 21-Jan-14 22:10:42

Quite honestly C sounds like a right shit stirrer. If she feels like she's back in high school then that is her doing.

I'd not let a text like that go unanswered, though I'd probably tell her to fuck off, grow up and then cut my losses.

You live and learn.

SparkleToffee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:12:13

Tell C your sorry she must have misinterpreted what you meant ...... No drama, no need to feel like she is back in high school ( they are already bitching about it Together) please fo not give these bitchy drama llamas any more fuel. Who the fuck actually texts something like that yo someone unless they are in the business of storing it up!!!! What a total bitch.

Text her back something very non specific snd then phone in silent ! I would just say something g like. Hi C, no drama here , your right things evolve. See you soon. OP

SparkleToffee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:13:38

God I was so cross on your behalf my spelling was even worse than normal ! Apologies

Heydiddledumdum Tue 21-Jan-14 22:14:14

Ha! Maybe they have discovered swinging and know you and your dh wouldn't stand for it so have to make up crap excuses for cutting you out. shock grin.

Sorry to be flippant, I also have been screwed over by a Wendy, and boy did it hurt. Get rid. Be dignified, and don't involve yourself any further. Don't go chasing for answers. You may never find out what happened but give these bitches plenty of stuff to gossip about if you talk to them further.

thanks to you op, hope you make some nicer friends soon!

CiderBomb Tue 21-Jan-14 22:14:53

Oh and by the way if this makes you feel any better, groups of three rarely work in my experience so I can't see this little clique lasting long anyway. Won't be long before another one gets "pushed out" .

emsyj Tue 21-Jan-14 22:15:57

I would be so tempted to reply to c, "Aw don't worry, I did think maybe you were having an off day when you said all that weird 'evolving' stuff to me - not taken personally! smile xx"

Mintyy Tue 21-Jan-14 22:17:25

Well I'd cut my losses and text them both back something like "It's nice that your friendship has evolved such that you've got each other for company now ... you both seem to be the same type of people with a rather unique take on what constitutes friendship hmm. Good luck to you."

They sound TRULY vile. Yuck.

ballstoit Tue 21-Jan-14 22:18:29

Just text back, 'Great, glad you agree, you are behaving like a spoilt teen princess grin '

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:18:59

Sparkletoffee I knew what you meant even with the spelling grin
sally yes I do feel better (and thanks for all the cake too!)
You've all cheered me up loads, no longer sitting crying (like a right saddo!) thanks

CiderBomb Tue 21-Jan-14 22:18:59

I love that Mintyyyy.

QOD Tue 21-Jan-14 22:20:15

Ah man that's so sucky sad

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:20:53

ha, not even thought of siwinging! That makes it easier to deal with actually! I'll keep thinking of that!

SparkleToffee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:23:18

Love it emsyj..... Basically anything flippant so they can't keep saying next time they meet, that you are needy / dramatic / etc.

Please view this as a lucky escape..... Imagine being on holiday with them.... Sends a shiver down my spine and I don't even know them

cardamomginger Tue 21-Jan-14 22:23:31

Wendy strikes again.

So sorry OP. It's shitty. It's her, not you. That is just what a Wendy is like.

CassCade Tue 21-Jan-14 22:26:59

This happened to me!! When DD first started at school, and I formed a friendship with three other mums in the class. We were four friends but used to go out with partners as couples for meals, etc. Then the three friends told me one day that they were all going on holiday together; partners, kids and all, and we (DP and I) weren't even asked. I was really quite hurt - for them to arrange it and not even ask us! Were we that bad?! But after that, I just avoided getting together with them at all, and made excuses not to go out for meals. Bit wet that I never confronted them but my life is much happier without those idiots! You will make new friends at school, I have got some great school mum friends now who I haven't known very long at all, and already I can see they are much more fun to be with and are genuine people. I'd avoid having much to do with your three - if you don't like confrontations, then just be unable to meet at the suggested time. Are your DC at school or pre-school? Pick out other people instead to get to know them better and move forwards! Good luck!

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 21-Jan-14 22:28:12

Please send Mintyy response word for word tis perfect

newyearhere Tue 21-Jan-14 22:31:13

Yes, she should justify sidelining you from a friendship group. Why should you have to just take it? She should be sorry that she's pushed in and taken over. You have nothing to apologise for OP. I hope you find some better friends as you deserve.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:31:21

Thanks all, casscade, they mine are yr 6 and reception, all of theirs are reception. All at different schools though in different areas.

sallysoubriquet Tue 21-Jan-14 22:31:54

Bit wet that I never confronted them

No no no no no no and again no Cass.

Of course you would have been justified in confronting them, but much better that you didn't, as others have said, it only fuels their bitchiness and/or makes them feel justified because you are 'needy'.

I think it's much better that Crazee goes down the flippant, breezy or just plain avoiding route, as you did. Wind out of sails much?

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 22:33:22

Please don't send Mintyy's or anyone else's text word for word. Text nothing - dignified silence now, surely

NewtRipley Tue 21-Jan-14 22:40:15

I understand you feel hurt.

It's why I don't invest that much in friendships at this age in terms of expecting to be especially close to any particular person. I do have good friends but I don't think I'm the best friend of anyone.

Friend C does sounds like this is all very gratifying for her. I'd leave her to it, frankly.

I agree with hmc

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 22:45:43

Think it's probably going to be more of a polite acquaintance relationship now rather than a friendship. Will just keep a low profile with them.

Cherry34 Tue 21-Jan-14 22:54:55

Same thing happened to me about a year ago. I have tried to maintain a relationship but always seem to be second guessing everything I do, everything I say. I love the way we were but I think that time has gone. This year's resolution was to find new friends. I am still polite to them, as I see them everyday on the school run, but I have decided that I don't want to be friends with people who don't think I or my family aren't good enough.

Friendship to me, is to love them warts and all! I want friends who feel the same.

You deserve better Crazeeladee.

pigletmania Tue 21-Jan-14 23:00:13

Wow c is feeling like she is back at high school as she's behaving like a child. Forget c, she sounds awful, don't speak to her and just cut her dead. A and b were friends with you before c, see if you can have a chat with them, if nit draw a line under these 'friendships ' and move onto mire positive ones

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 23:01:27

It sounds a pretty good New Years resolution to me Cherry, I may well steal your idea! thanks

Lj8893 Tue 21-Jan-14 23:19:05

Oh I really feel your pain.

It sounds silly but when I started high school (age 11) my cousin (same age) moved down to the area and so I really made an effort include her in my friendships. My best friend and her soon became best friends and it was heartbreaking for me and has really affected how I deal with friendships even now at 25!!

You will meet some nice new friends soon while the 3 of them decide who next to push out thanks

PerpendicularVince Tue 21-Jan-14 23:21:18

I wouldn't respond to any of them. Friend C is obviously keen for you to text back so she can tell the others, hence the provocative text - don't give her the satisfaction.

I wouldn't contact the others either. I'm quite black and white with my friendships. I don’t do drama, excluding people or politics. If someone does, I move on - life is too short.

You sound like a lovely person with other friends. Think how much less stressed you'll be without them. If you keep trying, your self esteem will be shot to pieces and the feeling of being let down will always be there, even if things improved.

A PP (*Cider*, I think) said groups of 3 rarely work and she's spot on. Someone else will be excluded next and the 3 Musketeers will disband.

LucieLucie Tue 21-Jan-14 23:25:10

Crazee I feel for you I really do. It is shitty when women do this, it has happened to me in every single adult friendship group I've had, hence the reason now I am a loner but much more content in myself. grin

I think friend C has done a lot of damage and you probably won't know why or what she has said but you shouldn't care. If friends A & B were worth anything they would have stuck up for you and made sure you were included. On that basis alone they are not true friends. sad

I will never trust a group of women together ever again and like you I was always the one to meet new friends and be welcoming and include everyone in everything only to get stabbed in the back. angry

Please just ignore any further texts, block them from your newsfeed on FB and whatever you do DONT show them you are dwelling on it. smile

Halfling Tue 21-Jan-14 23:30:02

Don't text anything back. Don't confront them. Give them no drama to feed on.

And leave things open ended for your own benefit. Decline any further meet up plans politely.

Just cut your losses and move on. Don't waste a single minute more on them. Focus on your own well being and the relationships that matter.

cheeseandpineapple Wed 22-Jan-14 00:23:40

C has too much time on her hands and is your classic, screwed up Wendy. A and B, not true friends. There might be a bunch of reasons why the holiday worked out the way it did without it intended to be a snub to you but C has now explicitly made it a snub. A is reinforcing the snub by not trying to reassure you and explain the circumstances when she knows from C that you're feeling hurt.

Sounds like they've cultivated a little group around their first born reception kids. Out of interest are these their only children and do they happen to all have boys?

In any event, would keep the moral high ground and not give any of them any fuel for more gossip either between themselves or anyone else. You've already expressed being hurt so you can't back track from that but you do want to show you're not fussed and give the impression you're fine with things and want to move on so you can wind down the friendships without any drama.

Wouldn't bother engaging any further with C. But as for A, would go back and say, "all fine, was feeling a bit sensitive, must be time of the month, let's take a rain check re Sunday, think I'm going to need to recharge my batteries as feeling shattered by the week already, catch up soon".

And then just leave it at that, make excuses if anyone suggests getting together. Eventually get yourself as you say to polite acquaintances.

If you hadn't mentioned you were upset, would be saying don't bother responding at all or as Sparkle suggests, say no you're not upset etc. But if you've said in a text to C that you were upset, hard to deny that and simply not responding at all to A might make you feel more awkward if you run into her.

MrsRuffdiamond Wed 22-Jan-14 00:50:14

Friend C feels like she's back in high school, does she? And you can bet she's just loving it, too. I can just imagine what she was like as a bitchy teen. You're well rid, imo.

Crazeeladee Wed 22-Jan-14 06:27:43

Thank you all. Cheese - c has a girl, a and b have boys and b has a younger dd too.
When I read through it all , I see how bad it is now, I know I'd be saying the same to anyone else in the same situation. C has had a lot of self confidence issues, so this is probably a bit of a power thing too. I've got other good friends, will stick with them. I've learnt a lot from this experience.

alma123 Wed 22-Jan-14 06:38:06

Just responding to one of the comments above. The Wendy that I had the displeasure of coming across has several children so has had plenty of time in the school playground to hone her skills.

SaltySeaBird Wed 22-Jan-14 06:46:00

I was Wendied too once, it's horrible.

Don't feel rejected by all three of them. C has most likely had a propaganda campaign against you, A and B just got sucked in by it and believe everything C says. They weren't true friends, they were easily led.

I wish I had never introduced my C to my group of friends. I don't know why Wendy's have to push out the original friend who brought them in.

I just want to add I know a lovely person called Wendy, I know some get upset by the term Wendied.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 22-Jan-14 06:48:59

OP you sound lovely. C sounds like she's behaved horribly. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding nicer "friends" than these thanks

BohemianGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 06:59:14

But different friendships to work for different reasons. You can have a large(ish) pool of mutual friends and the dynamics will all be very different. Friendships aren't exclusive.

I have friends I would cheerfully go on holiday with - but they arent the same sort I would take to the pub. Ditto I have pub mates but there is no way I would spend a week away with them, we'd drive each other bonkers. never again will I holiday with someone elses children

different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify"

I'm probably the one who doesn't see anything wrong with that text. You aren't 10 years old, bitching in primary school thinking MY friend is ^MY exclusive property. She shouldn't have to justify who she sees, who she goes on holiday with.

I have only read your posts OP, so I haven't picked up on any 'Wendy' projection. Your posts actually say very little.

auntpetunia Wed 22-Jan-14 07:05:22

I totally agree don't text any of them. be civil if you meet face to face but move on. it drives them nuts! but you not replying stops their, or in this case c's ammunition to blame it on you.

SpiceWeasel Wed 22-Jan-14 07:20:21

I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but I would be very tempted to just text her back "Yeah".

gobbynorthernbird Wed 22-Jan-14 07:26:11

Totally agree with Bohemian.
I read that text as C trying to say that it's nothing personal, but you're not a friend they do couple-y/family stuff with. Maybe it is to do with your DC or DH, but for whatever reason they will see you alone, so it's not like you have been completely excluded.

MollyWhuppie Wed 22-Jan-14 07:53:20

I have read the whole thread and I have to agree with a lot of what bohemiangirl has said, although I think it is hurtful that they don't seem to care how they have made you feel and for that reason I would keep them all at arm's length and they do not seem to feel any loyalty to you.

Personally, there are very few people I would choose to go on holiday with - even my 'best' friend wouldn't be someone I'd choose as I know we would want different things from our holiday. I think the husbands in the group may have something to do with this too if they find your DH hard work, but I guess this is something that's embarrassing for them to admit to.

Sorry you feel rubbish OP. It seems friendships are always a minefield even in adult life!

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 07:55:11

Yes bohemian I get that, but we have feelings and it's hurtful when friends do that, all people in the friendship group meet and your the one left out. you think you get on, obviously not! I would go radio silence and just move on, c is right your not at high school so don't get caught up in petty bickering. Ok c has made it clear your not her type of friend, and b does nit give a monkeys she sounds like c, how about just stay in contact with A your original friend.

TheMultiTasker Wed 22-Jan-14 08:07:44

ah this is nastysad

it sounds like they don't like your dh, to me.

sallysoubriquet Wed 22-Jan-14 08:11:18

Bohemian I have already made your first point (so it must be right grin ) but I stand by my rider to it, that is when these things happen it is organic, mutual and gradual. What seems to be happening here is a deliberate strategy on the part of C though I could of course be wrong always a first time grin

Kikithecat Wed 22-Jan-14 08:16:55

Can't wait for the update after they've all been on holiday and fallen out because C made a move on A's OH or whatever!

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 08:20:21

It seems like c is speaking for the whole group, they are all in this, op has not said c is organising these meet ups, they are all in it together! Mabey they don't get in with your dh who knows, I wouldn't find out. Mabey keep in touch with a occasionally, but just draw a line under it and move on. Your obviously not their type of friend.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 08:21:55

You said you have other great friends, life is too short for this nonsense. You might find once you distance yourself, they come running to you. I would then not give them the satisfaction

cheeseandpineapple Wed 22-Jan-14 08:41:49

"different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify"

Thing is she's not sorry. That's a classic passive aggressive I don't give a fuck you're unhappy. I'm sorted, I've created my niche and I'm not going to justify anything because I know that I've done it at your expense.

Friendships do work in different ways with different dynamics. That's true but if I thought a friend was feeling hurt or excluded, I would want to reassure them that there isn't an issue. It's crass to call it high school. Women place a lot of importance on their friendships and it's upsetting when they feel isolated from their pack and a true friend would want to avoid making a friend feel lousy. You don't have to include them in everything you do but you could be more gentle in how you manage them when they express feeling hurt.

I've been in the same situation but with a different outcome. It transpired the holiday that the other 3 families went on together wasn't orchestrated the way I thought it had been. I'd felt a bit awkward and excluded when I first found out but didn't say anything. If I had, I'm pretty sure they would have been quick to reassure and not make reference to "evolving" friendships which is a way of saying we are closer to each other now than we are to you and have evolved away from you.

You need to look at the text in the context of the other texts. If it's just about different dynamics then you reassure and make your friend feel better when she says she's feeling hurt, not get arsey and defensive or issue a completely disingenuous apology.

Laura0806 Wed 22-Jan-14 09:46:17

Speaking from bitter experience ha ha, I have mentionned mine on a few of these threads. It has taken me over a year to get over being treated very badly from someone I thought was a very close friend. I am not sure what you said to c or if you have sent any more texts but I think ignoring or sending anything back in anger is not a good idea. You have realised what c is like at least and I think its a good idea to back away at least for now but don't give them anything to gossip about. Text back to a and b and say what one of the other posters said, 'not sure exactly what c said to you but Im fine, was a bit surprised you didn't ask me along but probably a bit sensitive , time of the month etc. Look forward to catching up soon. I can't make sunday as exhausted but lets get another time in soon' and to C, 'not sure what you mean,no need to feel like you're in high school, I was a bit surprised not to have been invited but no probs. Look forward to catching up soon'. If a or b text you to meet up make an excuse but ask one of them to yours and have a chat about it then but for now kill any drama that C seems to be enjoying xxx let us know what you do as this kind of thing has happened to so many of us and I gained a lot of support from on here too. Remember its not you, and sounds like you already have a lot of other lovely friends xx

eddielizzard Wed 22-Jan-14 10:04:13

i think c is pretending to speak for the group.

she's clearly saying she is not sorry - tough shit for you so suck it up.

i would not text her again.

i probably wouldn't text a or b. give it a few days and then decide what to do.

i agree with taking the drama out. that is what c is thriving on. she is definitely a wendy and not to be trusted.

Thetallesttower Wed 22-Jan-14 10:07:55

I think four different families at four different schools is too many to hold together in a cohesive group. They might find that three is too many really, for group holidays.

I think you should just keep friends with any of the women that you particularly gel with, perhaps not all four together, and just go round for a coffee if they seem keen too.

I kind of get what the woman is saying, sometimes you do not want to continue a friendship, and no-one has rights to a friendship even if you did all meet through you. I would find it very awkward if someone questioned why I was closer to one person rather than another, truth is that is what happens sometimes.

I think you all had unrealistic expectations of how this would continue and if it makes you feel upset/bad, move on.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 12:17:19

C does not sound very nice, very agressive and abrupt, putting op firmly in her place that she's not wanted, and it's them now. She is the one maintaining the high school mentality. Really, dignified silence with that text all the way, be polite when you see then, and distance.,mabey meet with a and c if you wish, but I would distance myself from that group, they will fall iut in the end I'm sure

MimiSunshine Wed 22-Jan-14 13:12:42

It's amazing what you learn about yourself on here.

I've realised since reading the Wendy threads that it's happened to me twice in the distant past. And it's the fear (almost phobia) of it happening again that has meant that I've held a friend at arms length for a few years.
She has mutual acquentices to a newish friendship group if mine and I've resisted facilitating full friendship.

I hadn't been able to work out why I was resistant to her becoming 'part of the group' who are all lovely and why when one reached out to my friend I was a bit panicky (I knew I was being daft but couldn't help the feeling) about it.

Now I realise it's a deep rooted fear of them all liking each other more than me and leaving me out.

OP if you text anything back to C then if go with something like: I've just heard from A, she mentioned you takes to her about what I confided in you. You're right that is quite high school.

Crazeeladee Wed 22-Jan-14 22:24:34

Ive not heard from them today, so I guess it's just a case of moving onwards and upwards! Fresh start from here smile

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 23:35:21

Fresh start, draw a line under it and move on. Leave them to it, now you have gone, there will be an under dog who gets ignored.

pinkelephantpinkelephant Thu 23-Jan-14 00:05:21

As someone who has been Wendied (right down to the projecting her behaviour and turning it round as if it was me in the wrong), my advice would be to hold your head up high, distance yourself from them, and spend time with other friends.

I guarantee that in time their 'friendship' with disintegrate. Chances are that friend C is only doing it to get at you and to upset you. If you show that you couldn't give a flying fuck, the fun won't be there for her and she will probably ditch A and B as friends who will then come crawling back to you and you can take pleasure in not letting them back into your life

In my case, I introduced 'Wendy' to another good friend of mine and suddenly they were best buddies and were ignoring me. When I asked them both if I'd upset them they made out that I was being paranoid and trying to cause trouble, when it was actually quite obvious that Wendy in particular was doing things to try to hurt my feelings and exclude me. I actually started to doubt myself at one point, but talking it through with another friend made me realise that it was Wendy and my other friend at fault, not me.

I just distanced myself from them both, and funnily enough 2 years later my friend has been ditched by Wendy, and keeps trying to be friends with me again. I'm polite and friendly to her but I decline any invitations to meet up for coffee or to nights out.

Crazee- I'm sorry they've been this way. How catty ? you don't deserve it.

Saying that they don't deserve you as friends !

OP- distance yourself or better still : cut them off
You will meet some amazing friends and you DON'T need these 'school girl' type 'friends'

pigletmania Thu 23-Jan-14 07:50:35

How horrid pink, good on you, now that 'Wendy' gas gone she comes running to you. No thank you!

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