To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

(702 Posts)
slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:10:04

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

17leftfeet Fri 17-Jan-14 20:13:42

2 evenings of forcing your stepson out of his home

Nice!

WooWooOwl Fri 17-Jan-14 20:13:44

When your three year old is a teenager are you going to ship her out to somewhere else that she doesn't want to be so that you can have quality time?

YABVU

Trifle Fri 17-Jan-14 20:14:50

How old is your dss? Can he babysit.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:16:30

I'd be mortified if my dh spoke like this about my dd who he treats as his own (and until a year or so ago she saw her dad every other weekend and then he moved to USA and now hardly ever sees her... another thread...)

You are a family. With your step son. Not you dh and your dd and your ss alone in a little bubble.

He must feel very unwanted.

Joules68 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:16:32

Your post is all about you op!

Does your DH actually want 'quality time' with you? hmm

ButICantaloupe Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:01

YABU, surely you accepted that your DH's DC came as part of the deal when you got together?!

magentastardust Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:48

How old a teenager are we talking? Do they get on well with your 3 year old? Could your stepson baby sit for you for an evening so you can go out and have an evening or a lunch together?

Your Stepson should feel welcome in your home though and not feel that he has to go and stay at his mums if he doesn't want to -your home is his home too surely. Will you treat your daughter in the same way when she is a teenager?

DameEdnasBridesmaid Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:58

You've just described family life OP. You get time to yourself when they've ALL left home.

I feel sorry for your DSS, persuading him to go?

You sound very selfish OP - and that's a first for me. I can usually see both sides but not in this case.

YABVU

SirChenjin Fri 17-Jan-14 20:20:43

What you've described is exactly what DH and I are like....married for 20 years, no family to help out, no 'quality' time on our own, both working long hours, 3 kids.....

I'm sure it's more difficult with a blended family, but I'm a bit puzzled as you seem to be describing a normal family ie you, your husband and your 2 DCs (albeit one of them is your DSC). As someone else said, could you not get your DSC to babysit?

slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:20:49

Yes he does actually want to spend time with me Joules68 better that with his ex who would leave him to tend to the kids and go out on her own and cheat on him!!!

My stepson has 2 houses 2 rooms I have only one house so I don't have a choice!!

JeanSeberg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:18

Poor lad.

MidniteScribbler Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:32

You know that your child is going to grow up at some stage and be a teenager? Where are you going to send her when you need your quality time?

Kicking a child out of their home so you get time to walk around naked? Are you fucking kidding me?

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:53

If I ever heard my dd step mother speak about her like this, I'd be outraged. Poor kid. How about you stop trying to push him out and ask him to babysit? If it means he doesn't have to go and sleep in a damp room, I'm sure he'll say yes. Not that you deserve it.

You sound like you have a number of issues and are conveniently blaming them on this poor boy. Shame

worridmum Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:02

tbh if you are so bitter about being a step parent you shouldnt really of got together with a man with children would you be happy if your partner decided to ship your child off to other families every other weekend? (yes I know they are both his children) but come on you are sounding so incrediable selfess its insane and I feel sorry for the step son in this case as by the sound of it resent him. I think you should ether reign in this resentfulness or leave your partner as he shouldnt have to choose between his children or you as any self respecting parent should put their children (unless adult) before their partners.

Tbh parenthood is a massive change and you should deal with it because in a couple or years you wont be able to ship your child out and would have to deal with it unless you would hold the same resentfulness then I would feel sorry for your child and belive you would be an unfit mother

god you are making me so anrgy with your resentfulness of your step son I hope to god you dont let it show and make you step son feel unwelcome as that would and should be a death nail in your relansonship and I can assure you being a single parent would give you even LESS free time.

Though I deffintly think you should tell your parenter how you feel so he can make an informed decision to stay in a relasiontship with such a resentful person

noblegiraffe Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:18

If he's a teenager, can't you send him to his room or out with his mates if you want to watch tv in peace?

When I was a child (one of three), every Saturday night us children would be sat in front of the tv watching a film in another room with drinks and snacks while my parents had the living room to themselves.

Notaddictedtosugar Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:54

YANBU. It sounds tough. You may have been better off posting in the step parents topic though , you would probably have got more sympathy there.

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:59

Is this some sort of reverse AIBU?

If not then YABVU to direct your resentment at a blameless child.

splasheeny Fri 17-Jan-14 20:23:00

He probably doesn't like being pushed out. Quite understandably so.

JeanSeberg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:23:53

How does it sound tough exactly?

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 20:25:12

Poor kid.

worridmum Fri 17-Jan-14 20:26:31

god reading your futher replys I pray this is a revise thread or I am losing faith with humantiy as you should like a deeply unpleasent and vile person kicking someone out of their home and their dad because you want to walk around naked

grow the bloody well up you sound like a spoilt brat

TakeYourPick Fri 17-Jan-14 20:27:38

Does he not go out, ever?
Most teenagers have friends/outside interests. I rarely stayed home in the evenings as a teenager.

Mimishimi Fri 17-Jan-14 20:28:49

Couldn't you get your stepson to babysit for you so you can go out with your DH? As for getting the house to yourself for two days every two weeks, then yes, YABVU. It sounds like you're moaning noone else wants to take the kids off your hands to their place. That's not reasonable especially since one is your own. You sound quite horrid frankly.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 17-Jan-14 20:30:39

Wow, if he'd prefer to stay in your house with you, rather than go to his mums, it must be really bad.

WooWooOwl Fri 17-Jan-14 20:31:17

But your step so is still a dependant!

You sound horrible and selfish, even though I can well understand you feeling the need for some couple time, you are going about trying to get it in a very wrong way.

If my DH ever spoke like that about my children, his step sons who also have two homes, he'd be getting a letter from a divorce solicitor.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:32:10

Actually YANBU in my opinion. It's not too much to ask as a step parent to want some time without your SC's around. I'm very fond of mine, but also enjoy the time they're at their Mums.
What's going on with Mum and DSS? There's more to this surely?

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:05

As someone said. This is family life. Most of us have to get babysitters to get time alone.

I see you are fed up but the stepson is not the cause of this.

Thetallesttower Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:08

I can see that if you are used to weekends to yourself (or with toddler in bed) you are missing them, but really, think about it, when you have your teen children they are there all the time!

I think you are blaming the step-son for not having alone time, but I doubt this is what is underlying your difficulties.

Me and my husband regularly just climb into bed and watch a movie together at 8.30pm whether the children are in bed or not, sometimes I think they go to bed later than us on weekends, but as long as they give us a bit of space, I don't mind.

It is a complement to you that your step-son feels at home and doesn't want to go elsewhere.

I get that you are just venting, and are having a hard time, but I don't think that getting your step-son out of the house is the solution to this otherwise all of us who have teens around every evening would have no marriage and that's clearly not the case.

SamU2 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:48

I wonder who I can ship my kids out to so I can have quality time with my DH once a fortnight over night?

We all want time alone with our partners or just ourselves. Welcome to parenthood. I have to try to arrange a babysitter if I want some time alone, I don't make them leave the house for two days.

BettyBotter Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:25

Does your dss get any 'quality' time with his df without you there?

NatashaBee Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:39

I understand all the difficulties around being a step-parent, but I feel very sorry for your stepson not feeling welcome in his home. Have you dug into why he doesn't want to go to his mothers? if there's no real reason for him not to go then his dad should be encouraging him rather than just accepting he's not going. Does his mother not mind that he won't be coming this weekend? Can he take some games/a console with him? Or you could just tell him you're having a naked weekend... that will probably get him to leave pretty quickly!

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:35:23

OP I was just thinking, if step son was your biological son, there wouldn't be another home to send him to. Then who would you blame your problems on?

kilmuir Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:04

Poor boy

HermioneWeasley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:07

I feel sorry for your DSs. He lives with his father - it's his home. Would you be happy to go to a small damp room every other weekend so he can have quality time with his dad?

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:25

And, really, you have your own child. How exactly did you expect to get 9 weekends a year alone ?

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:26

Being a step-parent is not the same as parenting your own kids.

humha Fri 17-Jan-14 20:37:38

You actually say yourself I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

You give a reason for resenting your DH's ex wife. And a questionable reason for resenting your DH. What is your reason for resenting your step-son? Merely the fact that he exists?

I bet you behaved in an exemplary way towards your step children when you first got together with your DH. You've now decided they are an inconvenience and have set about getting this message across to at least one of them, loud and clear. Very sad for your stepson and deeply unpleasant of you.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:37:56

I think you need to completely change your view on this... If your ss was your own child you would expect them to go to bed at a reasonable time (how old is he?) .. not necessarily to sleep but to read / watch his own tv if you allow him one or earphones for a smartphone or whatever, age dependent. It is perfectly fine to ask him to go to his room at say 9 pm for a younger teen or 10/10.30 for an older teen.

This is how most families blended or not make time for their parental relationship.

What is not nice is the feeling that you just don't want him there at all. He is part of your family. You wouldn't just expect your dd to piss off so you could have some time with your dh.

We have no family help and no babysitters either and I wouldn't be happy leaving the dc with a paid one so we haven't had a night out or without dc in about 19 months since dc 2 arrived. It sucks a bit but we know it's not forever. It's what family life is.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:05

The "only solution" is to get a babysitter. Is there a reason why you can't get a babysitter 9if you don't trust DSS to do it?

Cluffyflump Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:45

What do you think people do with their non-step, teen Dc?

Are you going to send your Dd somewhere once she hits 13?

Magix Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:48

YABU . How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your dd was a teenager and her stepfather wanted to get rid if her a few nights a month ?

BaileysOnRocks Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:08

YABU and not very nice.
When I was a teenager my stepdad made me feel unwelcome and said we had to go to my dads every weekend, even when we didn't want to. I wanted to stay at home with my mum.

He is your family, think about how he feels. If he wants to stay with his dad he has every right to. It is his home and you are making him feel unwelcome.

Back2Basics Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:32

OP try posting on the step parenting bit.

It's really helpful.

Step parenting is not the same as being a parent, and we all need a break.

WaitMonkey Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:35

Repost this in step parenting.

TheNightIsDark Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:40

Can your DH not ship you out somewhere at weekends?

You sound horrific and you're really doing nothing to stop the idea that all stepmothers are bitches. You knew what you were getting into.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:48

Beamur

I can imagine. But I can imagine how it might be even more important to provide a secure welcoming environment for your stepchildren - who, presumably, never asked to be stepchildren

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:43:06

I don't think the op should repost in step parents. There are lots of blended families on mumsnet who work brilliantly and never post in the step parents forum as we'd have no issues to post about. Maybe it's a more balanced view here rather than those who already have issues with step parenting.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:43:50

Which I have been doing for the last 10 years. OP do repost in the step parenting forum.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 20:44:03

What about in a few years time when the little one is older, you going to try and force him out of his home so you can have some quality time?

FFs, what you do is ...

YOU grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around you.

You accept that there are other people in household and you make adjustments.

How the fuck do you think that parents in general have quality time together? You think they fling their kids out? Don't be so daft. No they work with what they have. Quality time doesn't have to keep you in the living room.

The difficulties you are having are not because of the children. they are because you are not thinking outside the box. You are thinking, right send kid to bed have quality time in the living room. Like this is the only room in the house. Kitchen? Your bedroom? Any of these rooms ringing a bell?

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:44:07

Wow my dh, who is step father to my dd often says he wishes we didn't have to share my dd. He adores her like she was his own.

She has started to seem less than thrilled to go to her fathers, we encourage her to do so as the relationship is important but if it came down to it we'd never force her. When she goes there it's for their relationship, not so we can walk around starkers.
You still haven't answered, what will you do for spare time when your little one is too old to put to bed at 7?

PrimroseLodge Fri 17-Jan-14 20:45:20

Don't you think that it's a shame that your step son comes up with a long list of excuses as to why he can't stay with his mum? Is there a chance that he's using excuses about the room in his mum's house to cover up real, underlying problems? You have a young person in your care, someone who is expressing unhappiness and you need to look after him before you look after yourself.

What you describe about not spending time as a couple is, I'm afraid, pretty normal and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.

SybilRamkin Fri 17-Jan-14 20:45:40

You sound lovely, OP hmm

I truly feel sorry for that poor lad.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:45:56

TBH

I think if you are talking about reposting, mental health might be better.

Re-reading, this isn't about your stepson at all. It's about the amount of drudgery and sustained pressure you are under which is making you very unhappy.

I get that. Maybe we should lay off a bit.

missymarmite Fri 17-Jan-14 20:46:44

YANBU to want some alone time with DH. I sympathize, as both a mother and step-mother, who would at times LOVE some alone time together with DP, without DSC or DS constantly demanding attention!!!! It's natural. But please, please don't make DSS feel pushed out. I understand it can be so frustrating dealing with step-children at times, but it is also a privilege that he wants to be around his father and also, in all probability, you.

I don't think non-step-parents can quite understand your frustration. It is even harder with older kids because they stay up later than you!

The suggestions about taking advantage of DSS as a babysitter sounds like a really good idea. I'd try that. And remind yourself that you will get your reward in heaven (or at least in having great relationships with SC when they are gone and flown the nest!)

DoItTooJulia Fri 17-Jan-14 20:46:50

WallyBanter got it spot on.

Poor lad. His room at his mums is wet? And you want him to sleep in it? not help in some way to sort it out for him, or have some sympathy with him? Make his time at yours extra nice if things at his mums are that shit?

That's pretty heartless.

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 20:47:39

I don't get this "it's different being a step-parent" thing. Does it give you carte blanche to behave in ways you woukd not dream of behaving toward your non-step-child hmm??

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 20:47:44

Why should only step parents have a break?
What about other families? Their time not worth anything?

LukeAtMe Fri 17-Jan-14 20:48:11

What do you think other families with children do? What will you do when your dd is a teen?

Poor kid. He will soon pick up on the way you feel and it will affect him. Any of us who've had a negative stepparent can tell you that.

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 20:50:18

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah

Blah blah blah? Christ.

What does your husband say about all of this?

SeaSickSal Fri 17-Jan-14 20:51:26

He doesn't need to be babysat, there is no reason why you can't go for days out or on bike rides without turfing him out.

I have to say you say that your mental well being has not been good and you are stressed with work and the demands of bringing up a toddler.

The way you talk about this it seems like you are scapegoating your stepson. Rather than dealing with the actual cause of your stress, having building work, working hard etc you are simply pinning the blame for all your problems on your stepson rather than actually dealing with and acknowledging what's actually causing the problems.

It's a way of avoiding the real causes and it's very unfair on your poor stepson. I would suggest you perhaps get some counselling. And also think of other solutions to the rest of your problems. If you feel you are spreading yourself too thinly could you consider going part time or perhaps working a compressed week so you do longer days but have more days off?

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 20:52:01

I think Newt has made a very good point. You sound at the end of your tether op and I think it is making you loose perspective on what the problems are. Why don't you and your dh sit down and discuss how you can get some down time together. I have two young dc and fully understand the passing ships in the night analogy.

There are ways to make your situation better.

Having a toddler is hard work at times. As is working full time with a toddler. We feel like we are tag-team parenting at times with our 3 year old, life is busy. However these are the decisions you made, as an adult. Those decisions have nothing to do with your SS. Nor did he choose to have you as a SM. You made the decisions, as an adult, and have to do the adult thing and offer your SS a stable, warm, loving home.

Have you phoned round your SS's grandparents, said that he is irritating and you want him out of the house for a couple of evenings a week and could they take him? I bet that you haven't. The reason you haven't is that you know that you are being unreasonable and you couldn't say it in real life to people who know you.

WeAreDetective Fri 17-Jan-14 20:52:35

Kids come first. full stop.

benid Fri 17-Jan-14 20:52:41

Honestly please repost in step-parenting smile

MommyBird Fri 17-Jan-14 20:52:58

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:53:35

OP - do you think you might be depressed?

BrokenFairylights Fri 17-Jan-14 20:54:17

Sorry OP but you're doing a great job of reinforcing the evil stepmother stereotype! You'd force your dss to go to a house where his room is damp just so you can have your quality time with DH? What do you think other parents do? I have children (but no dsc) and I never get a night alone with DH let alone a weekend 9 times a year!!

Why is is bedroom so damp? Please don't say you live in a lovely warm comfortable home and the ex wife has to live in something substandard?

softlysoftly Fri 17-Jan-14 20:54:58

FYI it's not your house it's his home.

Everyone else pretty much covered just how unreasonable you are being.

Purplepoodle Fri 17-Jan-14 20:55:08

If you marry the guy, his children become your children.

Why not hang out in your bedroom with some nice wine, a few nibbles and a DVD.

It sounds like your struggling and looking to blame someone.

missymarmite Fri 17-Jan-14 20:55:26

OP did say that at the start of their relationship, the arrangement was 50/50, so she didn't really sign on to having DSS all the time, although, if you get involved with a parent, you must accept the risk that this is something that could happen.

OP, it sounds like you are going through a hellish time with a lot of negative stuff happening, and you are struggling to deal mentally with this. Have you had a private conversation with DH about your feelings?

You AREN'T BU to feel this way. You WOULD be if you made DSS feel pushed out.

Hope you get some good advice and help somewhere.

quietlysuggests Fri 17-Jan-14 20:55:36

I think its true that many stepmums, especially so when they have their own baby, don't actually love their step children as much as their own. I would have thought that is pretty much normal. Plus, you look at your own child and see a baby, you look at step child and see a great big almost grown teenager. It must be hard to tolerate, especially if the love isn't there.
But I don't understand why stepson is not made to go to his mums house?
Is it not a good place for him?
Would you not make sure he goes even just to support his relationship with his own mother?

SamU2 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:55:41

There is NO problem with wanting time alone without children, perfectly normal.

But there is something wrong with making a step-child feel they aren't as wanted because their sibling gets to stay at home and he is told that step mum wants him to go away for the weekend as he is getting in the way of step mum's alone time.

My husband is a SD to three of mine and he loves them exactly the same as his bio children. He would no more ask his step kids to go away for a weekend then he would his bio kids.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 17-Jan-14 20:56:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 20:56:23

Why repost in step-parenting? I am seriously confused. And I say this as someone in a blended household. I would be fucking livid if their step parent said right lets fling the step kids out for the weekend because I want quality time a shag

moominmarvellous Fri 17-Jan-14 20:56:55

I think I might feel like this if I were a step-parent you know. Not saying I'd be proud of it, but I think it's understandable to a certain extent.

However, as an outsider 'looking' in, it seems like you might be resenting your step son for the wrong reasons. Just because in your case it's possible for him to be removed from the situation from time to time, doesn't mean that him being at his Mums will solve everything.

Pinning your frustrations on him is pretty unfair really and in reality, won't make that much difference.

If you nee space and time, implement some new rules such as a tv takeover for some of the weekend. Maybe put a tv in his room if possible. You could feel better by taking control of the situation yourself, rather than waiting for other people to make changes.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:57:18

What sparkly said.

missymarmite Fri 17-Jan-14 20:57:28

Don't you think that it's a shame that your step son comes up with a long list of excuses as to why he can't stay with his mum? Is there a chance that he's using excuses about the room in his mum's house to cover up real, underlying problems?

I thought this too. Poor kid.

needaholidaynow Fri 17-Jan-14 20:57:32

OP, we never get couple time either. We have 2 DSs and DP has a DD. It can be like a madhouse at times, even in the evenings!

We do get couple time eventually, but with an 11 month old, 2 year old (and 8 year old half of the week) you can guess how busy we are!

needaholidaynow Fri 17-Jan-14 20:58:41

And I'd like to add as well that we can't just wish them away, I don't want to!

Before anyone pounces on me smile

MommyBird Fri 17-Jan-14 20:58:56

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

MommyBird Fri 17-Jan-14 20:58:57

Can't you have time with your DH when the kids are in bed? Or you're in bed?
Have a cuddle and a chat?

That's what we do.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:59:15

sparly bravo!
May I buy you a glass of vino? You're currently a legend in my eyes smile

SamU2 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:59:35

you look at step child and see a great big almost grown teenager. It must be hard to tolerate, especially if the love isn't there.

Well, I honestly don't understand why anyone would marry someone with children if they can't love them. It boggles my mind.

I am just trying to imagine my husband not loving his step children the same or even considering marrying me if he didn't love my children. Why would anyone do that?

I guess my kids have been blessed with two step-parents who love them to bits and would never, ever, treat them differently to their bio-children.

YABVU.

You chose to marry a man with children. You obviously, along with your DH, agreed to have his son live with you full-time. So no, you absolutely cannot kick him back to his mums to have time alone! It's his home too. If he wants to be home at weekends, there's sod all you can do about it, except maybe treat him better and like you would if he was your biological DS. What are you going to do when your DD grows up? Kick her out to someone's every couple of weeks to get some "alone time"? Or is that different because she's "yours"?

Besides, at sixteen, can't you leave him home to babysit his sister and go out for dinner or to the cinemas? I'm sure he'd be happy to put her to bed and to stay home and have free run of the DVD/Xbox a few nights a month. That's the practical solution, not chucking him out because he's in the way!

I say all this as a step-parent btw.

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 21:01:15

bloodyteenagers thankyou for being the informed voice of reason.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 21:02:20

Sparkly I think I love you grin

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 17-Jan-14 21:03:14

I feel sorry for your husband's child. His mother can't be arsed to provide him with a decent room, his dad's wife doesn't want him and is father doesn't stick up for him either.

You haven't said how old he is yet. You know really, that you can't force him to go, even though it would be nice for you and your DH to have some couple time without him there.

So you need to come up with alternatives, things like:

Certain night of the week stepson is in his room at x time of evening. Even if he is reading, playing games etc.... it can be your night to watch a movie, enjoy a glass of wine.

Budget for a babysitter if your SS is not old enough, or willing to babysit for you. Try to get out at least once a month to a movie or dinner together.

Try to sort out his room at his DM's house to make it welcoming for him, surely he wants to see her as well? It can't just be about not having somewhere nice to stay.

Call in help from your SIL. Even if she can only do it every 2 mths, it's something!

I understand your frustration as we are abroad and having recently moved to a new city, have NO ONE but us. We eventually will have to use a babysitting service to have a night out alone, the last time was about, ooooooh 13mths ago now.

Worried3 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:04:12

YABU

What does your DH say?

You are describing family life. While I can understand the feeling of "ships passing in the night", you are really being selfish. There are other ways to do things together, rather than simply "getting rid" of your DSS for the weekend- to a place you have to "persuade" him he should go to and one he clearly doesn't want to. Not that you seem to have noticed that your DSS may have issues with his mother.

When you married your husband, you took on his children. I feel sorry for your DSS- I can only hope he hasn't picked up your feelings- although he probably has.

Have you stopped to think about why he doesn't want to go to his mum's? If it really is that his room is damp- why would you want him t sleep in that kind of room, just so you can do what you want? If, as is more likely, there is something else going on- why haven't you picked up on this? You've been so busy wallowing in your own self pity, you haven't noticed what's going on around you. Although it seems your DH, this poor boys father, hasn't noticed either.

If I married again and my DH said this about my DD (who would be this hypothetical husband's step daughter), I would be devastated. I'm not sure how you'd carry on a relationship with someone who resents your children- simply for existing.

You know, your DD will be a teenager one day. What are you going to do when you've nowhere to ship her off to so you can have "me time" or "couple time". Or will it be different because she is YOUR DD?

This boy is your husbands child- he has to be there for him as much, if not more, than he needs to be there for you.

I feel very sorry for your DSS. It seems like none of the adults in his life are very interested in him or his wishes. Certainly not you, nor your DH or his mum by the sounds of it.

ApacheIndian Fri 17-Jan-14 21:04:21

It is not DSS's fault or problem that you don't have enough time with DH. He is not a noisy/nosy lodger, he is your DH's son. A child, at that.

Kinda says a lot about how you feel about your DH, if you see his flesh and blood as an inconvenience in your life. If you are having relationship problems, take it up with DH.

needaholidaynow Fri 17-Jan-14 21:05:06

Well, I honestly don't understand why anyone would marry someone with children if they can't love them. It boggles my mind.

Nobody is obliged to love their stepchildren. Not in the same way as they love their own anyway. I mean, I care about my partner's DD, I'm fond of her. But I don't feel a motherly love for her nor do I wish to. I can quite clearly distinguish between the feelings that I have for my DSs and DSD. That doesn't mean to say that I am a bad person or that she feels unwanted.

You can't just pull that unconditional love from nowhere. You just can't.

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 21:05:29

Sparkly, the op sounds exhausted. We all struggle with parenting at times. To get a break you look at your options. Most people hope grandparents, siblings or the other parent if applicable will share the load.

The op has worded it dreadfully, but she basically needs time without either dc.

There are some real problems being flagged here. I would be worried about why the child doesn't want to spend time with his mum. How is your dp managing with everything op? Is he near burn out to?

Ziplex Fri 17-Jan-14 21:07:23

Good god I'm new and the horridness here is quite something!
I'm a counsellor and this thing is brought to my office all the time.
Step families are a mine field and the step-parent needs time out!
They are not biologically yours but that doesn't mean you don't love/care/worry about them BUT you do need time out.
Really some extremely judgemental people who haven't a clue sad

SparklyTwinkleGlitter Fri 17-Jan-14 21:09:08

Hi OP, I think you'd be better off telling your DH how you're feeling right now and try to come up with a plan to give you a break and to get your relationship back on track.

Do you ever get the chance to go out with some girlfriends for a night out? That might be good for starters.

Everyone needs space occasionally. It's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person or bad step-parent.

Ignore the bitchy judgmental comments on this thread. Some folk have nothing better to do and I presume it makes them feel smug and superior?

My step-sons are in their thirties now and they all came to stay for Christmas. It was lovely but tiring! The youngest was a nightmare teenager but we got through it and I couldn't love him more or be more proud of him.

My favourite saying is 'everything changes' and it's helpful to remember this when times are tough! Best of luck OP.

YellowTulips Fri 17-Jan-14 21:09:51

At what point do you expect your DH to stop being a parent to his son?

What age will you stop bring a mother to your child?

Sorry I really don't get the point of your post at all OP. I think you need to have a think about your priorities - and I say this as a SM myself.

---btw it doesn't help you put SS in capitals in the thread title. It's says a lot about you and quite frankly it's not good.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 17-Jan-14 21:10:08

How rude to all the non step parents posting of those who keep saying "repost in step parenting, you will get a more balanced view."

Bollocks. OP is not happy and is either having a strop or is struggling but blaming a child she knew all about when shacking up with the husband is out of order.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 21:10:11

Ziplex plenty of the people commenting have PLENTY of clue about the damage being done to many, many children who are subjected to attitudes similar to the OPs hmm

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 17-Jan-14 21:11:03

YA only BU to think you can post in AIBU and not get a rough ride from people who just don't get it.
Try posting in step parents with us other wicked step mothers wink

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 21:13:33

Can I ask what will be said on the SPing board?

Why not just say it here?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:13:40

Where on earth is the kids mother?

Why doesn't she want to see him 15days out of 15?

I imagine maybe the op thought there were two parents bringing up this boy. It turns out no one is but her.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 21:14:48

Explain then to the rest of us that don't get it.
What is there to get exactly?
You get with someone that has a child. You also get involved with that child. If that means that child is living with the parent that you are fucking, well as an adult you deal with it. If you are not prepared to deal with that, and realise the sun don't shine around you, well, you don't get involved.. You don't get to pick and chose the bits you want to deal with. Just in the same way bio parents don't get to pick and choose.

ProfessorDoredumble Fri 17-Jan-14 21:15:27

YABU.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:15:38

I know a hell of a lot of blended families. Most are scrapping over who gets the children because they want to have them more! I feel so sorry for this child and hope he realised that this is not normal, not ok and isn't how he should treat his own potential dc or dsc in the future.

We all have a responsibility for our own mental health. If something is going wrong it's rarely caused by just one thing, aspect or person. It's foolish to think it does and cruel to suggest that it is a child's presence. Being a step parent is different I'm sure but being an adult is the same whatever type of parent you are. The way this boy is described and apparently considered within his home sounds very hostile.
I any imagine how bad his mother's house must be for him to choose this hostility over going there.
I can't stop looking at this thread it's really quite upsetting and OP I was an unwanted, inconvenient step child too. It damaged my ability to form relationships for a long time and I will never forgive my sf or indeed my mother for allowing me to be treated badly.
What dare I ask does your husband think?

Sparklysilversequins Fri 17-Jan-14 21:15:42

Curiosity. I am a lone parent of two children with autism. I KNOW what exhausted is. My dsis suggests I send my ds on "respite" so that I may get a break. That would make him scared and miserable so I wouldn't consider it. I'm no martyr but I carve out time for myself in other ways and adjust my expectations accordingly. What I don't do is send a CHILD off somewhere he will be miserable just so that I can get my alone time. You just don't do that.

MostWicked Fri 17-Jan-14 21:18:03

He is a child.
He is your husband's son.
What type of father do you want your husband to be?
Do you want him to treat your DD as his favourite child?
How would you feel if he treated her in the same dismissive way that you want him to treat his son?

needaholidaynow Fri 17-Jan-14 21:18:12

If that means that child is living with the parent that you are fucking

No need for that.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:19:29

I think the OP must be busy wandering around naked

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:20:34

Meh, there is a mother here who has opted out of parenting and it's not the op.

She says she is not in a good place right now, she's in full time work with a young child, struggling in her relationship and came here for some support.

I think getting him to babysit is a good idea.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:22:03

Thisisaghost where does it say that the child's mother doesn't want to be a parent? The other step son is living with her.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:22:50

She's opted out of parenting this one tho, hasn't she?

Floggingmolly Fri 17-Jan-14 21:23:06

Why have you capitalised STEPSON like that? To emphasise that he's not yours? But he is your DH's child and he has a perfect right to be with whichever parent he chooses.
I take it your dh has no problem with this?

DameEdnasBridesmaid Fri 17-Jan-14 21:23:56

Really some extremely judgemental people who haven't a clue

Ziplex Maybe, but there are also a lot of people on here who have got a clue because they are the Step parent, or have been that Step child.

Mim78 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:24:26

YABU.

As everyone has said this is his home.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:24:58

thisisaghost. Where does it say that? So one son lives with her, one son doesn't? Doesn't mean she's opted out. Means that perhaps one son wanted to live with his dad. Made the mistake of thinking he'd be welcome.

humha Fri 17-Jan-14 21:26:11

wine A very articulate lone parent of two children with autism Sparkly. Well done you.

Where has she (the OP) pissed off to then?

I always wonder why people ask for another way of seeing things, then when they get it, if it doesn't suit them, they piss off. I mean why ask?

If your DD goes to nursery then get your DH to take some time off so you can talk with no children around. I don't think your DSS is the issue. You appear to be struggling with some MH issues and some relationship issues plus you can't relax because of the building work. Sometimes when you feel down you tend to latch on to one or two things as the magic solutions that will fix everything - they don't really work - but it's easier than facing to just how bad you are feeling. Have you seen your GP?

Owllady Fri 17-Jan-14 21:29:28

The boy is allowed to live with his Dad, thats nice smile
Normal
Surely if step son is an older teenager he can babysit for the Scottish anyway
Look at the positives
You bought in with a man with children, this is how it is.

missymarmite Fri 17-Jan-14 21:29:38

Needaholidaynow - so true. Unconditional love can't be forced! Kindness and compassion can. Something that appears to lacking on this thread somewhat!

Talk about knocking someone when they are down! Poor woman sounds depressed and everyone just seems to be intent on making her feel worse! She needs support to cope with the situation, not condemnation!

That said, OP, you need to look at this from the pov of DSS. I feel sympathy for you, but more for him TBH. He obviously is avoiding going to mums (why?), very sad. How does she feel about it? Doesn't she miss her child? Could you and DH help to get to the bottom of the real reason why he doesn't want to go, and try to resolve that?

And please, go to see your GP and make sure that you get any help possible to deal with your emotional state. They can refer you to councelling, and if it's more serious, meds might help.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:29:42

Well, I would be gutted if ds wouldn't come home
.
I'm surprised the mum is not making any effort to welcome him. Can't understand it.

Owllady Fri 17-Jan-14 21:30:12

Pmsl at Scottishgrin
I meant your dd

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 21:30:16

Ghost. Has it not occurred to you that maybe the one with the op wanted to live with his dad?
So how comes it's only mum that has opted out of parenting? What about dad? He has another child, at least one more anyway, living elsewhere and he is wanted to kick his other child out every other weekend because of the inconvenience.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:34:23

Yeah the younger one wants to live with the dad. That's fine. But he doesn't want to go to his mums at all now.

That's a problem, no?

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:34:39

thisisaghost so the dh is opting out of parenting the son that lives with his mother? Is that right? Ffs how sexist?! Teenagers are absolutely entitled to say where they would rather live. It doesn't mean the mother wouldn't want him living with her. Lots of assumptions being made

Owllady Fri 17-Jan-14 21:35:30

I know sometimes this isn't a popular view on mn or in life
But you have children and you have to be responsible for them, they have feel safe and feel loved
You and your h have provided that
What you want is secondary really

I know that's hard, but that is the reality of being a parent

And before I am jumped . On. I had a baby at 21 who was severely disabled and I had to cope with that and her because that is what I had to do, that's what most people do. We get on and are happy with what we have. Life us not like the Hollywood dream

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:36:43

The young teen won't stay with his mum. That's a problem whether its sexist or not.

flowerpotgirl12 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:38:41

op I'd post this on the step parenting part of mumsnet, , likely to get some good advice and less of a flaming.

QueenRavenna Fri 17-Jan-14 21:40:01

Some of you judgey pants people should really get some stepchildren at some point. Might change your point of view.

Your own children - you get some say in what they do, how they behave, their values, what type of people they are etc.

Your stepchildren - no such luck. You just have to be grateful for having the little darlings in your life.

It's not easy.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:40:14

It is a massive problem that he doesn't want to stay at his mums, it suggests a problem in the home. It doesn't mean she opted out which is what you said? The mother has opted out, the step mother hasn't. Didn't you also say that the mother wouldn't let the child stay with her? Perhaps I'm remembering incorrectly (on my mobile).

The only person opting out or pushing away a child (based entirely on actual information we've been given) is the OP

Hogwash Fri 17-Jan-14 21:41:49

Sounds like you are channelling all of life's stresses into your poor stepson. The result of us with multiple older children don't get a huge amount of time 1:! when older children are around - you need to be more inventive to get him out of the house when you want to be alone.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 21:43:46

I didn't say the mother wouldn't let him stay.

Ok I don't know why the mother is not having the child to stay anymore. Whatever the reason, the result is, the mother is not parenting the child. Op is.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 21:45:30

Blah blah blah? Excellent job she's doing too hmm

yabu i'd be so angry and hurt if dp spoke about dd (from prev relationship) like this.

harticus Fri 17-Jan-14 21:48:12

I feel very sad for your poor SS.

Suffering the resentment of someone you live with is very damaging and isolating.

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 21:48:25

Many of the people you would probably describe as "judgy pants" people on here QueenRavenna already have step-children or have themselves been step-children.

If the OP has MH issues I have all the sympathy in the world. What's needed is proper support from professionals.

gamerchick Fri 17-Jan-14 21:49:49

Op even though I understand why you're getting a kicking I do know where you're coming from.

Set up a little cave in your bedroom and put a bolt on the door. Odd occasions it's nice to retreat when you want to empty kids out of your head.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a break from teens whether their yours or not.

gamerchick Fri 17-Jan-14 21:50:18

*they're

SamU2 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:50:31

Queen do not assume that people who are 'judgey pants' don't have a clue what they are talking about please. You don't know what our experiences are or aren't.

Needaholidaynow.. I take your point and you are right, you can't force yourself to unconditionally love your step-child but I still would never dream of marrying someone if I at least can't act like I love their child or treat that child fairly. I didn't marry my husband until I was sure he could do that, which thankfully came naturally.

I admit that I have strong feelings about this due to my experiences and situation but I see so many threads on here with SC being treated so differently and it is quite obvious that the step-parent role just isn't suited to them and usually it is the kid who gets hurt.

pigletmania Fri 17-Jan-14 21:52:22

Yabvvvvvu, when you got together with your oh you should have realised he came as a package, he is as much your stepson dad as much as your dd. this is what happens when you go out with somebody who has kids, did you not realise! I am afraid I have little sympathy for you, even with bio kids it's hard to have me time sometimes.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 21:57:28

I have yet to see a reply here from someone who doesn't have personal experience of step parenting in one form or another.

So who are these people who don't know what they're talking about?

Mellowandfruitful Fri 17-Jan-14 22:00:00

I can sympathise with the desire to have time as a couple - surely we all can? Even if some people don't get it, that doesn't mean we have to engage in a race to the bottom where no-one is allowed even the desire for a night off, ever.

The bit that is less easy to sympathise with is hoping your stepson will go and stay in a small wet room. I can totally see why that is not an appealing idea to him and I bet, once you think calmly about it, you can too. What terms are your DH and his ex on? What could be done about the room being in this state?

One thing that is frequently noted on the step parenting boards is that often stepkids end up as the focus of frustration when actually the issue is with their dad not setting boundaries. Why isn't your DH trying to manage all these things more effectively, get time for you as a couple, etc? It seems that you are carrying a lot of this and the associated frustration and stress.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 17-Jan-14 22:00:04

Because on the sp board the badly worded op will be seen through
And support not flaming shalt be given grin
No one knows what its like to actually be a step parent until they are one. Same as being a parent only without nine months growing them and the unconditional love you need to see you through the sometimes hell and back that is parenting
I assume the op got with someone who had a child and thought she could cope with the care being shared between the parents, the blame as it were here, is slightly misdirected, the mother of the child is failing to meet his basic needs at her home (I too would wonder why she isn't that bothered about seeing him that she doesn't sort it, and why SS doesn't appear to want to visit her, and would be sitting down with him and asking if there's any more to it)
I took the op as it states, someone having a rant. People come on here all the time saying 'I'm sick of being a mum' I want to just walk out and keep walking.. They get support, ok they don't post in AIBU where there are some right shitty fight club attitudes, but they get support and care.

And fwiw I was that unwanted step child but am now adult and realise that my sm had a child with cerebral palsy to care for as well as the three other children she had two of which were by my father, he was always at work odd hours (policeman) so why should she have had us there when there was no chance of any contact with our dad at all - ok doesn't excuse her lying about our behaviour to stop us from going there but maybe there was no other way to make my dad listen, I don't know.
I am also a sm of sorts, I met p when his kids were very small, his sister and he split the care because the dscs so called mother had fucked off to have half a dozen kids with her new partner.
Dsd since moving back in with her mother doesn't want anything to do with p after he stopped being a Disney dad, and SS (no not dss) has been banned from my home because he sexually abused my four year old and before the pearl clutching brigade start, he is barred from the house, yes I have encouraged p to still have contact as the boy needs his father, and yes, he's 12 nearly 13 and yes if I see the little bastard I'll have to be held back from kicking his little face in fuck being adult about it after he was welcomed to our home and I've taken more care of him than p who spent most of his time on the Xbox or going on holidays and was quite frankly not fit to parent a pet piece of two by four let alone a child. Fuck anyone who wants to say 'you want to harm a child how horrid of you' I'm not interested.
Not every situation is black and white.
Have a little empathy before posting from the pov of the rejected stepchild or the parent with an ex who is an nrp. Anyone with half a heart or brain would say here that it's the mother not stepping up an doing her bit that's causing a lot of the problems here.

Op, do you have the other dc's over to stay? The one who lives with mum? Do you give her a break child free? Then she should do the same if only to keep things in her sons home happy because that's the place he lives with non frazzled dad and step mum.

gamerchick Fri 17-Jan-14 22:01:49

Christ almighty it's obvious even from a badly written post, that this is about wanting some alone time with the Mr and there's nothing wrong with that.

Reading the words step kids does funny things to people it seems hmm

Shente Fri 17-Jan-14 22:02:05

The op made me feel quite sad and reflect on my own amazing stepdad. He never ever made me feel in any way different from his own dcs and my mum had me 100% of the time so there was no getting away from me at weekends. I was very difficult when my mum first married him but even knowing what I was like I would be mortified (even now as an adult with dc of my own) if I found out he had ever viewed me in this way. Please be nice to your stepson, his life won't be an easy one and he deserves to feel wanted.

AuntySib Fri 17-Jan-14 22:02:45

As a parent of teenagers, I know that not all of them go out regularly, and they do hang around the house, sometimes annoyingly, until well after my bedtime, so I get very little "couple" time with my DH. The upside is they do babysit for DS3 so we do sometimes manage to go out together. So I get how the OP feels.

OP, can you do some sort of deal with SS so that he babysits, say once a week, so that you and DH can go out together? And then you take yourself off out once a week so that he gets some time alone with his dad?

He's possibly feeling quite similar to you - sounds like he's not happy at his Mum's house ( maybe a backstory there?) and in his place I'd be wanting 1:1 with Dad.

SIL sounds lovely, and maybe she could take him out sometimes? Movies or something? And what Hogwash said - be inventive about getting him out ( or into his room - mates over for a sleepover? PS3 in bedroom?

I don't like how judgemental some people are being - Op said in her original post that she needed a rant .... which she is entitled to. She sounds under considerable pressure, and if she can't be honest and let off steam here, where can she?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-Jan-14 22:03:18

Nothing wrong with wanting time away from kids evenif they are not yours.

And if you were a mum talking about your child coming up with reasons like this and not wanting to go to dads you would get just as much as a flaming and would be told that its your fault,and the relationship with his other parent was more important than little none abusive things.

moldingsunbeams Fri 17-Jan-14 22:03:32

YABU, if this was your dc and they were older you would not be able to ship them out to get quality time.

5OBalesofHay Fri 17-Jan-14 22:14:09

Dh and I took on our grandchildren 13 years ago. We now have a 9 month old great grandchild. They all live with us. DH is my son's stepfather (got together when he was 14). We have no time off because that's just how it is. We are still solid because we enjoy our family. Life is what it is.

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 22:14:55

I think people are suggesting the op posts in step parenting because it is bloody vicious in aibu. There are other areas of this site where you can rant, still get told you are in the wrong, but not have 100 posters repeating it over and over and over that you are a terrible person.

Everyone has a breaking point and it makes then act/say terrible things. Though from the op (who has been scared off) it just says she wants him to go but he won't. Much better for her to rant here than in real life.

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 22:17:26

Other people sharing how bad they have it and are coping fine, isn't going to make the op feel better is it? What if the op does have mental health problems and we have scared her off from getting help.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 17-Jan-14 22:17:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gordyslovesheep Fri 17-Jan-14 22:19:40

<hands curiositycola some straws to clutch>

My three girls have a step mum - if she posted this I would cry

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 22:22:05

My dd has a step mum, if she posted this I would try to discontinue her contact with her

5OBalesofHay Fri 17-Jan-14 22:23:00

Sorry, that sounded twatty and smug. What I meant was marriages and kids throw all sorts at you and sometimes you just have to dig deep into inner resources. I wouldn't pretend for s minute its been easy. Rant away, we all feel like it sometimes.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 22:24:36

I dunno about posting in step- parenting, just anywhere but aibu would probably do.

Aibu is where you got op saying 'I feel I've hit rock bottom lately' and then everyone piling in, 'nah, kick, this is rock bottom'.

SoonToBeSix Fri 17-Jan-14 22:24:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 22:27:57

AIBU is also the place where you can say 'my SS reluctance to stay with his mother is damaging my relationship and him not being around will solve my many problems' and have 100 people very clearly say that you are being unreasonable.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 22:28:02

Y'know it's fine to have a rant, especially on an anonymous forum.
I'm still waiting for the OP to explain what is the problem with the DSS and his Mum. My SC's would want to see both their Mum and Dad regardless of the quality of their accommodation.
My SC's are great kids, no buts. But in all honesty when you have shared custody, it's great when the kids are here, but you get a rhythm to your life of time with/time without them. Wanting to have some time with your partner does not mean you hate your stepkids/are a bad person, blah blah.

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 22:28:53

So would I Gordy and I would be quite worried about the whole family unit. She does want a break from her dc too and presumably due to age gets that at a decent hour in the evening.

Just to clarify, I think the projecting feelings of resentment on step child is horrid. However, it a deflection of real problems here.

Notaddictedtosugar Fri 17-Jan-14 22:29:30

I am shocked by the vitriol directed at the OP on this thread. I hope she is OK! It says on the OP that she needs a rant. Nowhere does she say that she has told her SS that she doesn't want him, or tried to push him out. People come on MN all the time to rant about their DC's and usually get support and sympathy. Is a step mum not allowed to have a rant when she is struggling?

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 22:30:41

Exactly thatisall. It doesn't move onto solutions. Just you are being unreasonable and repeat.

gamerchick Fri 17-Jan-14 22:31:17

Obviously not!

ouryve Fri 17-Jan-14 22:32:20

Why did you have a baby with your partner, OP? Did you not realise you'd actually be starting again with the full time parental responsibilities?

Sorry, but while it would be nice for your DSS to maintain a relationship with his mother, it's obviously not feeling welcoming for him there. You need to change your expectations for a few years.

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 22:33:05

I think quite a few people have pointed out that the poster needs some 'help'/ to speak to a professional.

gordyslovesheep Fri 17-Jan-14 22:34:03

but she's asking for a debate - for views - she is asking Am I Being Unreasonable? - I don;t see why 3rd parties would get huffy because people say 'why yes you are' when asked.

People are giving her an opinion - it worries me that people feel the step parenting board members would all agree with her

Also it's difficult to offer solution when the OP wont engage with questions

Viviennemary Fri 17-Jan-14 22:35:51

There is no me time when you have children. Whether they are your own or step children. It's not unreasonable to want a bit of time on your own but sadly at this moment in time it doesn't seem possible so you will just have to get on with it the way things are. A child should not be sent away.

I'm with sparkly in this one and find it hilarious that you rant about not being able to walk around in the nude in your own house, trust me your DD will get to an age where you can't walk around the house naked too without causing offence.

CuriosityCola Fri 17-Jan-14 22:38:27

They wouldn't agree with her, just maybe go easier on the personal attacks.

I think I am sensitive to this as my step mum was in a similar situation in that she couldn't cope with mine and my siblings visits. The dynamics were complicated and she was actually really unwell and received no support from anyone for a long time. She thought we were ruining her relationship with my dad. Anyway, whatever the ops intensions, it doesn't look like she is coming back.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 22:39:01

I don't think the step parenting board would simply validate that opinion, but it would be shared amongst people who aren't simply looking for a bunfight grin
I love posts who suggest that posters should have used their clairvoyant powers and foreseen all possible outcomes and made the 'right' decisions at the outset. Let me get my crystal ball out now and never make a mistake or poor judgement again in my life.

needaholidaynow Fri 17-Jan-14 22:42:57

I love posts who suggest that posters should have used their clairvoyant powers and foreseen all possible outcomes and made the 'right' decisions at the outset. Let me get my crystal ball out now and never make a mistake or poor judgement again in my life.

grin Brilliant.

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 22:46:31

I'm shocked that posters are shocked at such unkindness directed at this kid.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 17-Jan-14 22:47:10

She wouldn't be agreed with on sp most likely
She wouldn't be torn to shreds though, gently steered in the right direction and given helpful advice

Not projecting my own problems onto you op but please be wary of getting dss to babysit especially as your dd is only 3.

The lad has two parents and they both need to meet his needs.
If one of those needs indirectly is for you to have time out, as a mother I would sort it so that you weren't so fucking frazzled you would possibly be cross at my son for something that was my doing.
To help promote a healthy environment for my son to spend half his time in.

I would call a meeting of the adults. You, DH, dhexw, see what can be done to improve things for dss and ultimately the whole family because this is doing no one any good obviously.
A name change and a post in sp or relationships will get you support and you can forget about AIBU

If it helps I've been on mn for seven years and only once asked a question in AIBU and although it went ok it's not something I'd like to repeat in a hurry.

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 22:48:14

I'm shocked that posters are not shocked at such unkindness directed at this kid.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 17-Jan-14 22:49:28

Lets hope the kids dont persuade you after a lengthy negotiation to go & live in a nursing home in 30 yrs time because they want their quality time. You are sounding like the stereotypical stepmother from the fairytales.

Family life is tough, compromises have to be made but yabvu to vent your frustration on your stepson & make him feel unwantef. He is your dh's & dc's family, please don't forget this. People do pick up subtle signals of hostility & resentment and it is not fair on your
stepson. It is time the adults came up with a practical plan for a 2nd bedroom & ground rules for the shared access rather than for hostilities to build up.

gordyslovesheep Fri 17-Jan-14 22:50:34

I find all the vitriol toward AIBU a bit hmm given that I only ever post here (and horses and cats to be fair - oh and camping!) and I am not a missive bun fight seeking uber bitch

but equally - if AIBU has such a rep - if people post asking a quesion that is bound to cause a reaction - should they be prepared for the answers. The OP has posted here before and on MN generally - she knew she would get honest answers

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 22:55:59

MollyHooper you obviously haven't read many threads on the Step Parenting board. Sad.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 17-Jan-14 22:57:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thegreylady Fri 17-Jan-14 22:59:49

Remove the 'step' keep the 'son' because that is what he is to your dh. YABVU

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 23:03:59

I admit I haven't.

I have found all the "Come over to the Step Parenting board" rather off though.

Again why not say it here? Unless you plan on suggesting that the OP hire a hit man what is the problem?

(^'Twas a joke, we have to be clear on MN these days)

MomsStiffler Fri 17-Jan-14 23:04:25

Brave (or stupid) OP, you do realise that it's against the Mumsnet creed to even hint anonymously that you want a bit of "you time".

How very dare you!! How dare you expect his mother to take her share of the responsibility! How dare you, as a stepmum, even think about wanting a step child to go to their other parents for a weekend.

Of course, you obviously need professional psychiatric help for wanting a teenage child to actually leave the house for 2 days out of 14 and don't even get me started on wanting to walk around in the buff!!

According to the BBC News, all the mass judgemental hoiking of nylon undergarments has caused power transformers to overload all over the country - that's the power of Mumsnet!!!

flagnogbagnog Fri 17-Jan-14 23:06:51

Your attitude really sucks OP

I know what it's like to have a step mum who doesn't want you around. It's horrid. Don't think the child won't pick up on it because you hide it well. They will know.

My step father who has been 'Dad' to me for the past 33yrs has treated me as his own from day one. His beautiful attitude towards me has saved me from a lifetime of feeling rejected by my biological father and a whole lot more. He is a real man.

Your ss was there before you. His Dad was his dad before you were on the scene.

Poor boy I feel dreadfully sorry for him.

gordyslovesheep Fri 17-Jan-14 23:07:03

well the mother has the OTHER step child 24/7 so she seems to be sharing responsibility there MomsStiffler hmm if she wants me time and can;t have any her HUSBAND is the issue not her child or her step child and that is who should be helping

are you going to complain about not being able to walk around in the nude when your dd is a teenager, or is it just your stepson who is such an inconvenience?

Get dh to share the cooking if you are sick of having to think about what food to make. And encourage your stepson (how old?) to develop a social life. Or get him to babysit dd!

Koothrapanties Fri 17-Jan-14 23:12:04

To me it comes across as though you are really struggling to share your dh with his son. Thats not nice. His ds needs his dad as much as you and your dd do.

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 23:13:04

Will she expect the same from her own DD when she is a teenager MomsStiffler?

The hotel bills are going to add up to quite a lot!

His father isn't making him bugger off and sleep in a small damp room (blah blah) and that has pissed the OP off. He should clearly set some boundaries and force his child out to please his wife.

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:14:26

Well, I honestly don't understand why anyone would marry someone with children if they can't love them. It boggles my mind

Well firstly your not marrying the kids and kids ultimately grow up and move away.

You can't force your self to love somebody's else's kids, you can only hope to grow a fondness or just even like them.

Sp gets a hard time on here, your dammed it you act like the kids are yours and your dammed if you dare to be honest in a ragey thread.

I'm interested to know how old the step son is?

op you have come across in quite a bad way and I suspect its a result of stewing over this for a while.

I lived full time with my df and step mother and she really resented me, she resented that I was a girl and she had two boys and really wanted a girl but health reasons prevented that. She resented that I was a reminder of my mother who more attractive than her. She resented the fact that I took no notice if she tried to discipline me. She resented the fact that my father worked nights and slept all day so she was the primary carer for a teenage girl that she didn't even like.

You dont have to give your soul up to be a step parent but you have to communicate with your partner on every thing. Other Wise the kids just get caught in the fray and it's not their fault. Even if they do play up.

Why don't you have a date night where no kids in the house or you go out. Walking round naked - I like that too but I get no privacy of inlaws , they just barge in so it's not just dss.

mrssprout Fri 17-Jan-14 23:15:17

My DH has 2 boys from his first marriage. When we married they were little & lived full time with their mum & came for visits with us. When the eldest was in his late teens he needed somewhere to stay & rang his dad. I was the one that drove to some far off place to get him from the friend who had let him sleep on his lounge, with little one in tow. There were obviously lots of times when I wasn't thrilled to have a moody teen suddenly start living with us, but his dad helped him get back on the right track & I introduced him to the joys of being woken by an 18 month old wanting cuddles so I could do a quick school run. He was with us for a couple of years until he wanted to move in with some friends. No matter how "inconvenient" it may have seemed at times he is DH's son & to me that meant that his welfare had to be my husbands priority, I am an adult, he was not & needed his dad.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 17-Jan-14 23:18:21

Lol momstiffler
The hoiking up of all the nylon judgy pants grin

Hope you can sift out the useful advice you've had on here op smile

sonotfunny Fri 17-Jan-14 23:18:49

*How rude to all the non step parents posting of those who keep saying "repost in step parenting, you will get a more balanced view."

Bollocks. OP is not happy and is either having a strop or is struggling but blaming a child she knew all about when shacking up with the husband is out of order.*

Well said!

Oh, and OP ... YABVU ... And i feel so sorry for your SS.

MollyHooper Fri 17-Jan-14 23:21:24

<hands MrsSprout a Mimbulus Mimbletonia> (if your name isn't Harry Potter related then apologies)

You sound lovely. smile

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:23:25

How very dare you!! How dare you expect his mother to take her share of the responsibility! why not moms ?

As a child between two family's that didn't really want me unless my child benefit came too - some one should have told both my mother AND my father to get their shit together and stop expecting some other woman to raise there dd.

Val007 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:27:58

I feel sorry for your stepson. I guess his mother must be horrendous, if he still chooses to live in your house! Poor lad...

MomsStiffler Fri 17-Jan-14 23:28:35

Think you missed my point there Tinker - I was being a bit sarky...

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:33:54

moms it when straight over my head.

Mt brain is particularly frazzled today. confused

BrickorCleat Sat 18-Jan-14 00:09:31

These are all choices that you have made, to resign, to have a child with this man, to build an extension together etc etc.

You do not sound prepared to take responsibility or make compromises like adults just have to.

Your poor stepchild.

Please act like a parent and not am arsey teen. These aren't great messages to send about being a grown up.

If you really resent your life so much, choose to change it.

Mimishimi Sat 18-Jan-14 00:19:20

His mum is still doing 50% of the care though isn't she? She has the eldest 24/7 as the OP said. There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone with your partner - what is unreasonable here that she wants the house to herself/partner once every fortnight presumably without her own child as well (due to comments about SIL only having babysat once in three years). That's just simply not a reality for most families - blended or not. I can't imagine asking my SIL to take our kids every fortnight for a whole weekend so DH and I can get some time alone together. Well, actually I can imagine what her response would be grin. To get time alone you will have to hire a babysitter and go out. Perhaps the SIL helped out a lot more before because your DH had no one else, now he has you.

Worried3 Sat 18-Jan-14 02:04:54

Ziplex

I am not a step-parent. I can only imagine how hard it is.

However, while you can choose to become a step-parent, the child gets no choice in the matter whatsoever. But that person can have a major impact on their lives. Therefore, it is essential that all the adults put the children's needs first and act in their best interests.

Needing space is normal and doesn't make you a bad person. Wanting time with your partner is also normal and it doesn't make you a bad person not spend every waking hour with your children.

I don't think wanting time with her husband/feeling knackered and frustrated is what's what's getting the OP a rough ride here. The way she writes about her DSS, as though he is an inconvenience she would like removed or some nosey/noisy lodger, is what she's getting a hard time over. Maybe she has just expressed herself poorly, but it does come across as very self-absorbed and selfish. I wonder how her DH feels about this situation?

This boy lives with his father and step-mother. It is his home every bit as much as it is the OPs DDs home, or her home for that matter. Yet the OP does not seem to see it this way- it's as though he's there on sufferance.

What is also coming across is that it is quite obvious that there is some difficulties between her DSS and his mother. But the OP seems totally oblivious to this fact, and is more absorbed in getting him out of the house so she and her partner can have more time as a couple.

If it really is as straightforward as his room is damp, then she should be asking her DH to have a word with the boy's mother about the state of his room. I wouldn't have thought anybody would have wanted a child she even vaguely cared about sleeping in a damp room though, far less be cross that he didn't really want to sleep in it and be fixated on persuading him to. Yet I would be wrong, because the OP thinks this is appropriate.

It may be a bit more serious than a damp bedroom that though. If the OP- or even better her DH- had bothered to try and find out why he doesn't want to go, and then attempted to address the problem (if that's possible), they may find he is willing to go to his mothers and they'll get their wish with a lot less fuss and upset. Also, they will have a happier, more settled teenage boy.

And if it's not something that can be easily sorted, then they are at least aware of a problem which is effecting their DS/DSS, and are able to support him. But no, the OP does not seem to have considered the possibility that there might be something troubling her DSS and seems more concerned about her problems.

Please don't misunderstand- I can understand that she wants to spend more time with her DH and believe that their relationship is also very important. It sounds like the OP does need more time to herself too.

However, her DSS is not to blame for this situation, but seems to bear the brunt of the OPs frustration which is not right or fair. The answer to the OPs problem is not treat her DSS as an inconvenient lodger in his own home, and ship him off to his mothers at the first opportunity despite the flagging up of a potential problem and ignoring his needs and wants.

It seems to me that the OP resents this boy for merely wanting to be in his own home. Her issue really is between her and her husband, and them making time for each other. It may take a bit more effort, and it may be easier if her DSS could be forced out of his home for their convenience- but it is not impossible.

And my question still stands- what's she going to do when her DD is a teenager and she has nowhere to ship her off to every other weekend?

DizzyZebra Sat 18-Jan-14 02:16:40

So erm, how often is your daughter shipped out OP? Why is your stepson less entitled to be in his own home that your daughter.

BohemianGirl Sat 18-Jan-14 03:25:24

My colleague once looked pityingly at me and said "Its a shame you're still married hmm you havent got anywhere to send the kids for a break at the weekends, I love being divorced"

Point being, when you have children you have them 24/7, and I dont think it matters whether they are step or your own. Your life just won't be the same again for the next 18 odd years..

I think the stepson on all this is a red herring. The OP wants some quality time with her DH. No harm in wanting that.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 18-Jan-14 03:30:50

Maybe it's a matter of he said he was going to go, then decided not to, and the op had made plans?
This pisses me off with teenage ds1 and he is my bio son, lol
Throws all plans into chaos as I have to shuffle things round to either include him, or give him something else to do.
I often call him an arsehole under my breath to myself ask him why he had a last minute change of mind but to be honest he's so ditzy (my genes grin ) I never get a straight answer.
It's nice to know before the last minute as most of my plans on teen free weekends are baby/4 yo suited, the contents of my fridge stay safe smile

On the flip side, it also pissed me off when the day ss used to want to contact to be collected for the weekend was two hours before he wanted picking up! Gah! Defo a teen thing then, whether step or bio child..

Or maybe I'm just a moaner who doesn't deserve kids wink

Caitlin17 Sat 18-Jan-14 03:49:12

I haven't read the whole thread but your post made me angry. You sound really selfish. Your man came with strings attached you knew that. So step son would prefer to spend more time at his father's but it doesn't suit you. Most people would be delighted to have a teenager who could babysit the little one.

Sorry but yabvvu and selfish.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 18-Jan-14 04:02:41

Being a parent is a full time job and we all have times where we would love to have a break. I can't really think of any advise not already said but although it is normal family life, I do sympathize with you needing some time with your dh.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 18-Jan-14 04:15:37

Sparklysequins has it absolutely spot on. Even the capitalising of the word "stepson" speaks volumes, what were you expecting people to say "Yes dear, he's just a glorified lodger, screw him"?

If you'd done a post asking about how to get some privacy/couple time with a teenager in the house, you would have almost certainly received lots of tips and advice - like the one upthread about going to bed early with some wine and a DVD.

Caitlin17 Sat 18-Jan-14 04:39:26

One can only hope that setting it out on here might be cathartic for OP and she won't allow these feelings to be made known to her husband's son.

CarlaVeloso Sat 18-Jan-14 05:01:55

I sympathise. I would hate to live with someone else's children. I would feel everything you feel.

But you know, that's why I would never have got involved with a man who was already a father. You knew what the deal was OP. I bet the children wish their father and mother were still a couple and they could erase you from the picture too. I bet they'd swap you for their mother in a heartbeat. You're not the only one in that house who wishes they could shuffle the players.

MadIsTheNewNormal Sat 18-Jan-14 05:47:11

This is what happens when you settle down with a man who already has children and is fully committed to them. Suck it up.

You sound spoilt and sulky.

I am surprised you even see the teenager to be honest. I have thre three and apart from feeding time they barely leave their rooms.

dozeydoris Sat 18-Jan-14 06:57:21

Your post is all about you op!

Oh, yes, how fucking unreasonable, a woman wanting some time to herself, some loving time with her partner, how utterly selfish.

What a miserable selfish bitch, she would actually like her life to revolve a teensy bit around her choices, her needs, her pastimes, what a selfish cow, you are only a true MN woman if you totally and utterly devote all your time, efforts and money to your DCs, but EVEN MORE SO AND FOREVER if you have step dcs.

So, OP, either go and slash your wrists now because the next dozen years or so of your life are to be wholly at the whim of your DSS and only your DSS who takes TOTAL priority over everything else in life due to the fuck up which was your DP's previous relationship and the projected guilt that MNers then put on you and your DP because of this, despite it being nothing to do with you.

OR .... do your most to get a life, you are fully entitled to fun, happiness, relaxation despite the vitriol of the sanctimonious MN posters.

Get DSS enrolled in some stuff so he is out of the house regularly, make sure, if he lives with you, that the child benefit etc comes to your house, it is then available for sports stuff, bus fares, get your DP to do more round the house, no reason you get landed with everything. Give yourself something to look forward to, a weekend away? DSis babysitting.

It is obvious to me, if no one else on MN that if you are unhappy the general feeling in the house will be cross and unhappy. Take things in hand for your life and the result will be better foreveryone else too.

TorrentialLorraine Sat 18-Jan-14 07:08:46

Some people must go into marriage with one eye shut. He has kids and he is responsible for them.

It's quite simple, if you don't want to be responsible for your DP's children, marry someone childless!!!!

dozeydoris Sat 18-Jan-14 07:21:05

Why should she be responsible for the DP's children, his children already have a DM and DF. If they are crap parents she can step in up to a point but the child will still be missing out.

Perhaps it is the inherent selfishness of one parent that is the reason the marriage failed in the first place. I don't see it as the new partner's place to attempt to fix that, impossible anyway.

Ra88 Sat 18-Jan-14 07:27:17

So you don't feel the need to ship your own child off every other weekend yet you feel it is ok to ship off your step child ?

Poor child having to put up with you !

dozeydoris Sat 18-Jan-14 07:30:44

Parents would love to ship their teenagers out every weekend but sadly don't have the option.

feelingvunerable Sat 18-Jan-14 07:38:29

Even though I think the post was badly phrased, I see where you are coming from op.

The stepson has TWO parents, who should both be pulling their weight.

I have been left in a similar position but with my biological children, whom I ADORE TO BITS.

However since their father left to go and live with the ow in the same area, he has decided to stop pulling his weight, to the point where he will actually text the dcs and tell them that he won't take them anywhere, even when previously arranged and I have other committments.

My dcs are gutted and as a result cling to me (they are all teenagers).

The stress of having to "do it all" is huge.

Everyone deserves some me time.

My only advice would be to ask your dss what he would like to do, as a family then make a fuss of him, then explain that on x day you and his dad will be doing y.

Hope that makes sense.

The dss mum is being unreasonable, however you cannot change her behaviour, just modify your own.

PMDD Sat 18-Jan-14 07:44:42

I remember my sister telling me that children are at heart selfish in that they expect the world to revolve around them. And that as a parent you need to balance the requirement and duty to "be there" for your child, but also to give yourself time and happiness. That way, in the long run, the family will be able to stay together and balanced.

Every member of a family has needs to keep them happy. Sometimes those needs will encroach upon the happiness of another member of the family, which is why nobody should have their own way all the time.

OP I don't read you as selfish at all. You cook food to keep your fussy eater step son happy, I am sure you are welcoming and happy to him whilst he is at home with you and his dad. There was no 'tone' in your message when you said that he has decided to live with you full time, in fact that is a very telling sign that he enjoys being with you, so you must be good to him.

It is not selfish to want to have some time to yourself. This could well be the case if it were your blood son, not just a step son. The step bit is a red herring really. How old is he? Could he babysit? Anything over 14 should be fine.

A lovely weekend walk just the two of you whilst he spends time with is half sister? Start slow and build it up so you can trust him and he can build his confidence, you could even pay him a little!!

You do need to work on your relationship with your husband, that is in his interest too.

bluebell8782 Sat 18-Jan-14 08:28:24

The op is being advised to repost in the step parent bit just like a poster would be advised to repost in relationships if they were posting about a cheating partner for example.

Not everyone will agree with the OP obviously but they certainly wouldn't receive the character assassination they'll get on AIBU ..and let's be honest.. as soon as there's a step parent poster who has stepped out of line there is a hell of a lot of posters eager to pounce...see SparklySeaquins ridiculous post about the step parents forum being full of princesses blah blah..As it happens I think the OP has written her post very badly and certainly does reinforce a stereotype..
OP.. You need to talk to your husband..Your SS isn't in the way. . This is his home. . You and your husband need to organise time together alone.. It's not up to your SS to remember to give you space.
I have a SD.. She lives with us EOW..I have to accept that one day she may choose to live with us full time. . I KNOW it will be hard..only a step parent really understands what it's like..but it will be up to me and my DH to fit our alone time around her.. It wont be her responsibility to give us space.

BeverleyMoss Sat 18-Jan-14 10:10:41

Christ, the OP has been called evil, nasty, bitch, horribly attacked by dozens of posters and not one fucking post deleted.

Someone has even labelled MN step mothers as spoilt little princesses and has been branded a fucking hero for saying it.

Bloody disgusting.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 10:34:14

I'm a ste

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 10:34:21

I'm a

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 10:36:05

I'm a stepmum. I am not a spoilt princess. I work damned hard taking care of my family. And I fully expect my DSS's mum to occasionally step up and do some of the parenting of her DS's. I just do.

izzysmydog Sat 18-Jan-14 10:36:37

I understand as I am in a blended family and there is nothing wrong with wanting some time alone as a couple.
Surprised at some of the really nasty replies. If you have never dealt with other peoples children you can never understand how bloody hard it is. You are not a selfish and bad person OP

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 10:42:21

And not entirely sure why there's no ire being directed at the child's mum who should be providing an adequate sleeping area for her child. I thought that was a basic for NRPs.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 10:43:47

Best report then Beverly.

It was me that said that and I stand by it as I think it takes a very "special" kind of person to want to shunt a child out of his home to a place he is unhappy and that sounds not to be fit for purpose because that person wants to be able to wander around naked and have a bit of ME ME ME time.

I will never understand why it is ok for step parents on MN to post horrible posts about their step children when it would never be acceptable for someone to slag off another child, even one unrelated to them eg a class mate without being robustly pulled up for it and many reasons given for how these children are and it appears in THIS case the child has done nothing wrong except BE!

That child IS a family member whether they are blood related or not, they are a sibling to your precious darlings that came after, they are the actual child of your DP/DH. If you cannot get your head round them being as important as your OWN child within the family they you've no business staying within that family unit.

I stay away from the step parenting forum because that attitude makes me really sad and angry but I reserve the right to say this when I come across a post elsewhere.

The OP has not returned and it's probably because they knew exactly how this would go.

I will not return to this thread as I don't wish to spend my Saturday arguing about this subject matter.

Maybe OP could lock her bedroom door and walk around naked in there? Hopefully she will have an en-suite thus providing more space for the naked walking.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 10:45:48

But parents on MN are allowed to post horrible posts about pissed off with their own children. Not often but it does happen - people come on and say they've had a shit day with their kids and they get tea and sympathy. Why should the same not apply to stepparents?

VelmaD Sat 18-Jan-14 10:50:56

If your eldest stepson lives full time with his mother, does he ever come to you? You talk very much of you, your daughter and stepson that lives full time with you but not the other.

I stopped going to my fathers when I was fifteen as he was a twat with no interest in me and I had to camp on the floor. Luckily my step father was fully supportive of my decision to be with my mum full time.

ZenNudist Sat 18-Jan-14 10:51:24

You sound really unpleasant. Your poor dss. If he doesn't want to go to his dms he should be welcome at yours.

Just get a baby sitter for dd if you want to go out. My family don't babysit for us, we pay someone.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 18-Jan-14 10:51:50

If he doesnt want to go for the weekend then he shouldnt have to.

From about 14 ds1 stopped staying at his dads over night, he just preferred being at home in his own bed at night.

This is what tends to happen when they become older, if he lived with his mum would it be ok to try and force him to stay with his dad at the weekends? I feel sorry for this boy who should have the choice but doesn't because the sm doesn't want him around ever weekend

TiggyOBE Sat 18-Jan-14 11:23:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 11:25:20

you are actually serious about this aren't you his child is living with his dad and you want a break from his child so you can get time alone, welcome to life with children love grow up and accept that this teenager does not want to see his mother for whatever reason

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 11:26:26

your post is actually making me cringe quality time together do you really belive that guff you have read somewhere

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 11:27:07

and when your own child is a teen do you not think she will be barging in on you being well a teenager

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 11:33:11

I just read a few threads on the step parents section and I'm shock the open dislike and mocking of innocent children has really upset me.
"Leave dh and his 'dc' clinging together on the sofa', adding a mini fridge to my 'skid survival kit', 'the rear thing about being a step parent is you can completely disengage and shut them out and it isn't classed as neglect'.
This is just a selection. Oh and yes rather than referring to them as sc or dsc like you would here, there they are skids like you would find in dirty people's pants. Am horrified and now understand why people recommended that the OP post there. Clearly she would be amongst friends

SinisterBuggyMonth Sat 18-Jan-14 11:46:23

I never post anything about being a step parent on AIBU. Not since I said I thought DPs ex shouldn't really be getting paid maintenance for her son on a 50/50 basis, when in fact he was living with us full time, and was advised in no uncertain terms that we should continue to pay her maintenance to keep the mortgage going on her house so dss has a bedroom there that he might, on the off chance, consider sleeping in. That was 5 years ago and he still hasn't stayed the night with her since. There's a lot of anti step feeling on here, that's why the step parenting threads are better for this.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 11:49:11

Sinister if you have your dsc full time then she should be paying you maintenance? Not the other way around. I can't imagine why posters would have reacted that way even on AIBU as I tend to find them quite active on the ol' equality front.

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 11:55:33

Thatisall step parents on this forum will defend the use of the term 'Skids' til they're frothing at the keyboard. It's a vile term.

MadIsTheNewNormal Sat 18-Jan-14 11:56:54

And if you think you can get quality time with your DH once your own DD is in bed, if it were not for the pesky SS getting in the way, then what will happen when your own children are too old to put to bed at 7.30?

Oh hang on - that will be different, because they will be yours and you won't resent them.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 11:57:17

Yeah, I just looked on the Step-parenting board. Wow.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 11:58:30

I hear ya Sinister. I once got called petty and jealous because I was pissed off at DH (then DP) stopping on the way to get the kids 8 hours early from their first overnight with their mum in months to buy her and er DP the papers and coffee at her request. Turns out I should've been delighted that she couldn't 'cope' with them, overjoyed that we were getting the kids home early and have sympathy for the fact that she obviously missed her kids so much that she would need a nice cosy day with her DP to get over it. hmm

BeverleyMoss Sat 18-Jan-14 12:01:58

I did indeed report sparklysilver but it seems it's ok to insult a whole group of posters on the site because they are step mothers, regardless of whether or not they may actually be good step mothers.

But I guess you think there's no such thing as a good step mother.

BeverleyMoss Sat 18-Jan-14 12:04:00

And that's bullshit monet I don't know any seasoned MN step mothers who use or defend the use of 'skids'

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 12:05:10

One of the questions on there

'Do you consider your skids to be a part of your family?'

To think that there are people out there who don't is shocking.

A bit like my step mum thought I was just something she stood on.

anothernumberone Sat 18-Jan-14 12:07:58

The step parent board on here is a real eye opener. Often I feel that the Disney step mothers of which there are many on that board would be better interacting with the foster parents to see how others give of themselves to look after other people's children they willingly took on. If you are in a relationship with a man who already had children then you willingly took them on.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 12:09:06

And once again I count my blessings that my children have two fantastic step parents. Their father died recently and their step mother is still helping to support them and comes and sees them as much as possible and calls them every day.

That is what a good step parent is.

gamerchick Sat 18-Jan-14 12:09:42

Man there are some people on this thread who need to give their heads a serious wobble.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:10:27

Sam did you actually read the thread? Because barring one poster who have never met her DSC every other person said of course they were part of the family. A badly worded OP does not an argument make.

Also the post about mini fridges etc didn't refer to skids (which is a terrible term) but to step kids which is entirely acceptable.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 12:12:22

I did, lots of sad stories on there.

I read a few threads, most of them quite sad.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 12:13:40

After reading the step parents board I thank god for my Dh and how well he treats my dd. I do however think that my sf would have been right at home on there. Incidentally i had to have counselling to get over some of his treatment.
If I thought for a second that my dd sm was thought of in the ways that the board describes, I'd consider ceasing access

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 18-Jan-14 12:14:38

Apologies for being so rude op.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 12:14:57

Bruthas there are multiple used of the term skids in oPs and comments throughout the board. I think it's horrendous

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 12:16:52

BeverlyMoss I've just bumped one charming thread on step parents about the term Skids and users justifying it's use. Perhaps you could take a look before calling bullshit ?

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:17:43

Ofcourse it's horrendous but the vast majority of posters on the SP board don't use it - there are a lot of women who use that board to try and cope with difficult situations regarding their DSC and to write them all off as evil stepmothers is unfair, in the same way has we wouldn't write the posters in parenting who are struggling with their own kids off as shit mothers. I think picking and choosing the posts which support you're own viewpoint is bad form is all.

TorrentialLorraine Sat 18-Jan-14 12:21:06

It's a real shame that step parents always seem to be at opposite sides of the spectrum. I've seen some great threads on here where the Step Mum really cares for the DSC and vice versa. Then at the other end we have the trolls who really should have thought twice about marrying someone with kids and perhaps under the illusion that once married, they would come first in their DH's lives.

Both myself and my siblings have had a very negative negative experience with our own Step Mum, so much so that DH and I took out very large insurance policies on each other because we I said that if he died, I never wanted to be in a position that I needed help i.e. a partner to bring my kids up and pay the mortgage. He said he felt the same way.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 12:21:44

sam Did you read my thread? Do you want to know WHY I asked?

My DHs DCs (who I no longer refer to as my DSC as it creates too much conflict for them) have been repeatedly punished, emotionally and physically, for referring to their Dad and I as family.

I have had the two DCs that I loved and cared for in the way this thread promotes ripped from my life, my DD has been devastated to lose her much loved weekend companions and step-siblings and our home is filled with reminders of DCs who have rejected me. We have holiday photos, handwritten notes, stray socks, personalised bowls and bedrooms. Providing all of these things is the reason that my DH has lost his DCs.

So, when you tell people they know what they are getting into, you might want to consider warning them about the heartache they'll face.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:21:52

Monet - there are 27 post on that thread - one poster used the terms SKid and BioKids, one poster explained why it may be an ok abbreviation if written exactly like that and every other poster used DSC or stepkids.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 12:22:24

sam Did you read my thread? Do you want to know WHY I asked?

My DHs DCs (who I no longer refer to as my DSC as it creates too much conflict for them) have been repeatedly punished, emotionally and physically, for referring to their Dad and I as family.

I have had the two DCs that I loved and cared for in the way this thread promotes ripped from my life, my DD has been devastated to lose her much loved weekend companions and step-siblings and our home is filled with reminders of DCs who have rejected me. We have holiday photos, handwritten notes, stray socks, personalised bowls and bedrooms. Providing all of these things is the reason that my DH has lost his DCs.

So, when you tell people they know what they are getting into, you might want to consider warning them about the heartache they'll face.

SinisterBuggyMonth Sat 18-Jan-14 12:24:17

Thatisall we get no maintenance. I can't be bothered to ask now tbh. DP's Ex sold the family home (after taking over the mortgage, because she was supposedly dss primary carer, albeit with 50/50 custody --that never happened--). She spent all the money and is now living in her bfs house. Sees her son approx 3 times a year and as far as he is concerned that's 3 times too many!

SinisterBuggyMonth Sat 18-Jan-14 12:25:23

I've never seen the term skids before. First place I've read it is on here!

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 12:26:59

sinister she sounds horrid. Lucky the children have you thanks

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 12:34:01

Brutha the passive aggressive strike through shit very clearly sets the tone of 'don't use the term because some silly women find it offensive'. Not one person on that thread has stated that 'they' find it offensive.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:38:39

Ye

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:38:39

Yes yh

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 12:39:19

Yes they have Monet and within the first 5 or 6 posts.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 12:43:39

sinister FWIW i would have supported you on a thread about that , I dont think there is bad feelings about step parents there is bad feelings when a step parent is just nasty and horrible about step children wanting to brush them aside

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 18-Jan-14 12:46:48

I cant bring myself to look at the step parenting board but can imagine what its like, all the childs/exs fault never the step parent.

Its the children who have to live with it and some will have many issues as an adult. Far too many PWC move in a new man who resents the child likewise NRP gets a new partner who resents them. Then there's new half siblings who are almost always favoured leading to the original child/children feeling second best. And the worst thing is adults do this by choice to defenceless children.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 12:47:31

sinister. I'm with mrsjay and feel I would have supported you. Sorry that you were flamed like that.

notso Sat 18-Jan-14 12:48:28

YANBU wanting some space. I have a teenager, a 20 month old and a 9yo and 3 yo in between.
It is hard being Mum from 5:30 am after a broken nights sleep until 10:00 pm. We get half an hour together usually.
Sometimes DH and I have to tell DD that we want the evening to ourselves and pack her off to bed early with a DVD. Letting her have a friend to stay over helps as they are happy to lounge round in her bedroom.
You need to deal with your SS the same way you will need to deal with your DC when she grows up.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 12:49:00

happy. There are some lovely threads on there, really lovely threads that are heart warming and make me hopeful for the relationship my dd has with her step family. But there are a lot of threads that seem to consider the dsc as an inconvenience.

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 12:53:35

Apologies. One person has stated that they personally find the term offensive.

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 12:54:14

It must be hard being a step parent. Hard being a step child as well. I don't have any answers. If the room at his mums house is damp then its not really suitable. On the plus side he must prefer living with you. I can understand why you want some time alone with dh. I think being a step parent is a big thing. You care for a child who isn't yours, but you don't really get a say on how things are as they already have a set of parents. I don't think you deserve the flaming you have got on here really. I don't think you sound selfish, its a big thing to step into a ready made family and take on the majority of the care. Its not your step sons fault that things are like this though, but I think you know that really.

maddening Sat 18-Jan-14 12:54:21

in a non blended family the parents might "ship" their dc off to gp occasionally to get some couple time so what is the problem with the op doing it? Could you sort out a gp weekend for all dc?

it also shows that the ss does enjoy living with the op as he doesn't want to go away and it is a shame he does not want to visit his mum. It is also a shame that his mum doesn't provide a nice room for him to stay in. Am assuming the other ss visits the op.

wanting some couple time is not a crime and it shouldn't be seen as her sacking off her ss.

but it isn't the as' fault and feeling resentment to him is harmful to your relationship with him and not productive - productive would be finding alternatives such as gp - make it nice time for him as well as alone time for you.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 12:56:44

Frogstar I'm on phone right now but I'm sorry for the heart ache you faced and apologises for pulling your thread into the discussion without reading your post fully.

I stand by my opinion that there is some disgusting stuff on that board but your OP wasn't one of them and I should have read it fully.

I hope you can accept my apology, I am sorry.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 12:57:53

it is not getting time away from the teen people are upset about it is the Op furious and negative words about a boy she obviously finds an inconvenience

hickorychicken Sat 18-Jan-14 13:05:59

It isnt just this pesky stepson you she need out of the way for quality time, what about your dc?
This is what having a family is like, shock horror!
Myself and dp dont get much QT, in fact, when older dd in bed and baby dd asleep between feeds and not asleep ourselves is about it, but we made the choice to have kids, its worth it. DCs will be adults eventually and wont want to be around so much so treasure it! And basically put up or shut up! The fact he is a stepchild shouldnt come into the factor of your QT. If you can see yourselves seperating then there must be more to it than this.

Ziplex Sat 18-Jan-14 13:12:01

With due respect to all that commented I have been a step child since I was 6 plus I am the step parent to 2 children who live with me full time.

WhenWhyWhere Sat 18-Jan-14 13:13:56

Slow cooker, I understand that you want time away from your stepson but I can't see how you can make him go without coming across as a bit of a cow and without potentially making your stepson feel very unwelcome and I loved in his OWN house.
Can't you just go to bed earlier or get up later or arrange for your DH to come home early from work while your stepson is at school.
What about hanging out in your bedroom with your DH (or in the new extension?)

Hopefully, In a few years your stepson will be off to Uni and you can have time with your DH and your DD.

(Missing the fact you can't walk around nude is a pretty crappy reason to want your stepson to leave the house. sad )

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 13:14:14

ziplex. Ok?

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 13:14:53

If she found him an inconvenience then no doubt she would be complaining about having him at all, which she isn't. Obviously her dss must prefer being there. The op is allowed to rant. I don't think she's being unpleasant, just being shot down in flames for her feelings. Because shes obviously the wicked step monster. How does that help anyone? It really doesn't. I really think that theres a lot of self projection on these threads sometimes.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 18-Jan-14 13:15:30

Do those parents who love their step-kids as much as their bio kids actually have a strong bond with their own kids? Not all love is equal. I love my own kids so much that I could rip my own skin off to spare them the same. I couldn't do this for my stepson, or my husband, even though I do love and care for them. It's unrealistic to expect stepparents to love their step-kids 'as if they were their own'. And I don't think it would be the norm, even though I hear it bandied about on here all the time.

I know it can be an uncomfortable fact for seperated parents to accept. If step-parents loved their stepkids unconditionally then bio parents would have less scope to feel guilty about having seperated/having to be absent. I don't need to feel guilty about being absent from the picture, if I've got a replacement who feels/acts exactly the same way I do, do I?

I don't think your mistake was posting in the wrong section op, I think your mistake was posting here at all. There are a lot of people feeling a lot of guilt about their own kids, you're an easy target. The unfortunate thing is, as you've seen, you can only talk about your real feelings about it when you are strong enough to withstand the inevitable onslaught of anger and self righteousness, and you only really need to talk about it when you feel vulnerable.

NewtRipley Sat 18-Jan-14 13:16:46

This isn't about love, IMO, it's about how you behave

I like notso's post

NewtRipley Sat 18-Jan-14 13:18:04

Good point though random

The OP has said she'd "at the end of her tether".

IMO, when people say that then we should listen and be gentle.

missymarmite Sat 18-Jan-14 13:19:06

But OP hasn't behaved badly. She is just venting, on an anonymous site, her feelings. I don't think she deserves to be flamed for that.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 13:22:32

Random, yes my husband has a close bond with his bio children.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 13:23:07

I think yabvu. your home is your stepson's home too.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 13:24:10

I think yabvu. your home is your stepson's home too.

BeverleyMoss Sat 18-Jan-14 13:25:26

Oh heavens, don't start saying bio this and that, this thread will positivelyimplode.

That would probably be a good thing though.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:25:33

I think there's an unfortunate line if thinking on MN at times that thought = action and this particularly applies in cases of SMs and SC seems to be regarded as having almost super-human perception as to when someone is having negative thoughts about them. This has not been my experience - there are days my DSSs irritate the hell out of me, there are days that my DSs irritate the hell out of me - they all seem to share the same level of oblivious contentment about this.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:26:42

Dear lord don't refer to biochildren - that's considerably more offensive than skids to many.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:27:06

Cross posted Beverley smile

tilliebob Sat 18-Jan-14 13:27:42

If your DSS is aware of your feelings, and would still prefer to stay in your home rather his mums, how bad is that relationship? The boy needs love and stability, which it seems to me is what he's craving.

If he's not picked up on them, he's obviously much happier with you and his dad, so all credit to you.

My DS1 is 14 and he can pick up my mood simply by the way I come in the house from work in the evening. Teenagers have much thinner skin than they might lead you to believe, so be very careful.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 13:34:47

I do wonder how adoptive and foster parents can and do love their children as if they had given birth to them but step parents are not expected to because its so much harder for them? Why is it?

randomAXEofkindness Sat 18-Jan-14 13:37:50

From a practical point of view though, I don't think it is the right thing to do to force him to go to his mums, even though you don't feel the same way about him, it doesn't mean that he should be treated any differently. I wouldn't force my own kids out of the house for two days, so I would never let my DSS get treated like that. It's an easy rule of thumb to use, I think.

It would be a much better idea to work on getting him to settle in his room for the evening. DSS is happy as Larry with a couple of donuts, mine craft and his headphones. If we want privacy we just tell him to knock on the living room door if he wants us. What's your layout like op? Has he got stuff to do upstairs?

Notaddictedtosugar Sat 18-Jan-14 13:38:47

Sparkly, maybe because step children generally already have two parents, and don't actually need a third parent. I know my DSS was very clear that he did not want me to try and act like his Mum when we first met. We have a great relationship, but he would hate it if I tried to be his Mum, and I respect that.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 13:43:02

Good point notaddicted but in the OP's case his mother is clearly disinterested and uninvolved.

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 13:48:03

I'm not sure that foster parents actually do love foster children as if they gave birth to them. Not to say that they couldn't, but this would be very bad for their mental well being to step over that boundary. They would be bereft when that child moved on to go back to their birth family or be adopted.
As for step parents, well they aren't the childs parents. It doesn't mean they couldn't love that child as much as if they had given birth to them, but quite often the child already has two parents. They call the shots and make the decisions and the step parent generally doesn't have a huge say in all of this. The step parent is often hated and blamed for everything that has gone wrong, even if they weren't around when the parents split. I would imagine emotionally that step parents take a step back for self preservation reasons.
For an adoptive parent the situation is very different and they do not have any of these issues to deal with.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:50:11

And I don't think foster parents are expected to love their foster children as if they have birth to them. If anything I thought foster families were encouraged to keep a little back as the children most likely won't remain with them and could well have their own families to go back to. Adoptive parents become the child's parents - they are expected to love the children like their own because they are their own.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:51:54

I also think many Mums don't particularly want their DC's stepmums to lie and treat the children like their own.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 13:53:07

Lie = love

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 13:54:49

I also think many Mums don't particularly want their DC's stepmums to love and treat the children like their own.

Exactly.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 14:03:00

I think many adoptive parents have even MORE issues to overcome. There are certainly a few here on MN who have had terrible experiences with adopting dc from difficult backgrounds and/or "in family" adoptions etc.

You're also right that maybe their mothers don't want their dc to be loved as if they're their own but my point is that many step mothers posting here seem to have a deep seated resentment, they don't HAVE to love them but they do have accept their place in the family comes equally to their own children.

If you're spending your life planning how to get rid of your step children because you do not accept their place is not negotiable within your family unit, if the step parents preferred time is when the SC are not around then that's just unhealthy and wrong.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 14:15:01

Well I agree with you on that sparkly. I'm a resident SM and have been my DSSs primary care giver for years so, as it happens, I actually do love my DSSs pretty much the same as my DSs and they're certainly all treated the same smile. I don't understand stepparents, particularly non resident ones, who can't make an effort to make their DSC feel welcome and included if only for their partner's sake. Some people shouldn't be stepparents - it's too easy to cause damage and then hold your hands up and say it's not my responsibility.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 14:15:44

You sound lovely Bruthas smile.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 18-Jan-14 14:15:51

I agree with the observation that step-parents take a step back. I think that in many ways their roles are quite similar to that of a foster carer. The children can be taken away at any time. They do not have any real say over decisions that matter. They are not the mother/father - they already have those. They take the role of caring for somebody else's children while they are with them, treating them the way all kids deserve to be treated: in a loving way, with respect and kindness. But this is all quite different to actually 'loving them as their own'.

Foster carers have respite care, which is basically what the op is asking for. Now, I have a problem with respite care for foster carers (as I do the prospect of shipping out step-kids), but I would almost certainly get roasted if I went over to fostering and adoption and suggested that the carers there who took advantage of it were being cruel.

Do all the posters above who think that what the op is suggesting is cruel agree with me that respite care is cruel to foster kids. Is there a difference?

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 14:17:09

Will the foster kids respite involve spending time with someone they really don't want to and will the room be "wet" and not fit for purpose?

pandarific Sat 18-Jan-14 14:24:47

A lot of the responses on here are completely histrionic and vile. Poor old OP, she's understandably having difficult feelings!

OP, it seems like you have a good relationship with the lad - echoing posters who've said his room at his mums being crap seems like a cover for all sorts of other feelings. I'd talk to your DH and see if you can both try to gently find out why he's feeling this way.

If it can be fixed and he has a better relationship with his mum because of it, great, and added bonus you may have more time to yourselves if he's happy to stay with his mum sometimes. I think it's the kind of thing that can't be forced, though. If the not wanting to go to his mums can't be fixed, I wouldn't make him go, as it his home too and he'll just feel unwanted and resentful and it'll all spiral up.

Practically, to give you more space I'd actually sit down with him and just have a chat, explain how you as a person (not as a stepmum) are feeling stressed and exhausted about work and with little one and it's getting you down. And that you'd love a 'date night' say once every fortnight, and would he mind if on X date this month he could look after his little sister while you two went out for lunch/ stuff/had a movie night in his room upstairs while you and DH made a romantic meal downstairs? You all live in the same house, so I'm sure he knows what you've got on your plate, and if he's a reasonably sensitive teen and is affectionate toward you he may be happy to amuse himself. I'd pitch it as 'date night for us, treat night for DSS' and before the evening bring him down to the shops to get a big bag of pick and mix and a couple of films where things explode. Maybe you could get a babysitter some nights when the pattern is established, seeing how it goes?

Ideal situation is that he doesn't feel unwanted, you don't feel frustrated. Good luck!

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 14:30:46

I think many adoptive parents have even MORE issues to overcome. There are certainly a few here on MN who have had terrible experiences with adopting dc from difficult backgrounds and/or "in family" adoptions etc.

Yes this is true. But it is an entirely different set of issues from step parenting.

If you're spending your life planning how to get rid of your step children because you do not accept their place is not negotiable within your family unit, if the step parents preferred time is when the SC are not around then that's just unhealthy and wrong

I don't think the op is spending her life planning how to get rid of them. She's frustrated because she wants some time alone occasionally with her dh. I think its very unfair to suggest that the op is scheming to get rid of her dss, and nothing in her post demonstrates that. Maybe some step mothers do think like that, plenty don't. The problem here is that as soon as a sm posts with some issues, lots of other posters jump on, shouting that the sm is selfish, and she doesn't care, and what was she doing getting together with someone with children.... ad nauseum..... And in the end, amid the outrage, the insults, the condemnation, the sm's voice gets lost and fades away. And any hopes of support she might have had are dashed. Almost every single time on here.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 18-Jan-14 14:35:11

Possibly.

I mentioned that because I was talking to a fc who was looking after a 7 month old for two weeks while the placement carer (who had cared for him since birth) went on holiday. I don't think that that baby would have 'chosen' to leave the person he saw as his mum to sit in a car seat for half the day with a stranger who barely looked at him.

I would assume that those foster carers believe that it will be fine if their foster kid's are being looked after for a short time by a responsible person. It sounds like the op was thinking that it would fine if her step-child was looked after for a short time by a responsible person - in this case, his actual mother.

Ican see why it is wrong for the kids, in both cases, and I would never do that. But I wouldn't say that those foster carers are evil cruel bitches, as seems to be the assumption with the op. I think that in most cases they haven't fully thought it through. I don't think that the op had fully thought it through either, because she is at the end of her tether and is struggling with her relationship with dp. It doesn't make her evil. I think some people could have been less aggressive with their opinions about her. If we'd just highlighted how this might make her dss feel, why she shouldn't treat him differently from her dc, and practical ways for her to get time with her dp, she might have agreed anyway. And she might feel better.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 18-Jan-14 14:37:29

Panda - if the OP had simply posted "How can you make more time for romance/couple time when you have a toddler and a teenager in the house?", this would have been a very different thread and the OP would have received loads of advice and sympathy.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 18-Jan-14 14:39:43

Sorry that ^ was for sequins.

Panderific - they are excellent suggestions.

ancientbuchanan Sat 18-Jan-14 14:50:37

Ditto re panderific.

Op, it's tough. And actually I feel that I want me time and us time with our teen. And I can't wander around the house either.

But I think deep down you should feel gratified that he wants to be in your household and family, you have clearly made him welcome and loved and that's not easy. So well done.

I think its a great idea to ask him to baby sit esp one of those weekends. And he may start being with friends too.

As a teen and as a teen of split parents he will be feeling v uncertain. Can you find the compromise that gives you some of what you want, with keeping him? You may come to see him as really yours, in due course.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 18-Jan-14 15:04:30

The SKids and BioKids op was clearly new and got immediately informed of correct terms/acronyms as you can clearly see

Fight club on yahoo chat seems tame compared to this thread smile

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 15:06:28

The OP is credited for having a great relationship with a child she openly admits to resenting hmm

pandarific Sat 18-Jan-14 15:12:34

GoshAnneGorilla Sure, but then that wouldn't be the whole story, would it? The OP's post is a volcano of rage and frustration and resentment - read between the emotion you can see the problems better. We're all human, and letting off steam in a bit of a tantrum on an online forum is fine and dandy.

Nowhere in her post is she threatening to lock him out of the house, nowhere is she voicing dislike of him as a kid, she's voicing frustration at having a huge amount of parenting for a stepchild, with what looks from her OP to be little or no help in terms of care time from the mother - one of the stepchild's parents. And her feelings are valid. I'm sure some people wouldn't be pissed off in that situation and would take to it like a duck to water, but I can recognise that lots of people would be deeply frustrated, and fuming because of it.

I'm of the opinion a bit of handholding and a virtual cup of tea is more helpful when someone's standing on the ledge and screaming at the sky than 'ooh you horrible person, bet you don't love him AT ALL you mean witch' type responses. Not directed at you, just some of the responses on this thread seem unhinged and very unrealistic to me.

You meet a stepchild as an already formed human, and you can't force love. If you grow to love them great, if it happens naturally instantly, great. But even if you don't love-love them, you can still parent them and care for them in a positive way, which is what I was advising with the not making him go see his mum etc.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 15:25:21

I'm personally aware of a lot of foster carers who definitely would get a flaming here based on some of the expressed opinions.

I know foster Carers who refuse to attend police custody in the middle of the night to collect their FC because "the DC is safe" so they'll come in the morning. foster carers who carry on with their usual day-to-day career and family life after their FC has been reported missing, and yes, foster carers who go on holiday for 2 weeks knowing that their FC will abscond from the respite care the minute they leave.

Yet, these are carers who are generally regarded as some of the most effective and are relied on to deal with the most challenging of teens.

I doubt those carers would claim to love their FC - or even like them very much!

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 18-Jan-14 15:27:24

Foster parenting and adoptive parenting are not the same as stepparent ing. Not by a long chalk.
dSCs come as part of a package when getting together with a "mate" who has DCs. Adoption comes about when a person has a desire to have a child and undergoes a complicated and protracted process to achieve that end.
When a person is a step parent, there is usually another parent involved. The child often has both a mother and a stepmother.

I don't think the op is BU to want some time with her DH.
But the "solution" highlights the difference between DC and DSC.

pandarific Sat 18-Jan-14 15:32:16

Monetbyhimself Having private feelings of resentment and rage is okay, though. It's the actions that count, and I don't think she's been horrible to the DSS in any way. You're not somehow immune to feelings of jealousy, resentment, rage and the whole bag of negative emotions because you're a grown up and a parent - that's just unrealistic IMO and it's not fair to slam people for having negative emotions. What matters is not allowing them to impact on the kid and finding ways to improve things so it's less of a problem.

OP is obviously posting here to vent and can obviously see it's not a good situation. I just think practical solutions are more helpful.

sunshinemmum Sat 18-Jan-14 15:44:55

YANBU I honestly don't see the problem, you have care of this child for the majority of the time and he should spend some time with his other parent. I don't know why you are being painted the wicked step parent here.

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 15:48:39

Pandarific you know NOTHING about how this child has been treated, and the comments about his fussy eating, and him wanting to be in the same room to watch a movie suggest more than a fleeing resentment.

There are many fantastic and amazing step mothers kn this world. I have one myself grin

But there are also plenty of selfish and immature women whose own needs trump those of the children whose lives they have CHOSEN to br part of.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 15:56:38

whatgoshannegorilla said really if the poster came on and said oh goodness me i am swamped with kids i need some peace with my husband we would all be behind her giving support and advice, as i said before she is treating this boy her husbands son as an inconvenience and a possible factor in a breakup of her relationship, there is lots of ways you can spend time with your partner when you have teens in the house you just need to be inventive

pandarific Sat 18-Jan-14 15:57:30

Monetbyhimself Exactly - we know nothing about how he's been treated! Idk, it's possible he's being badly treated but as OP hasn't been back to give more information we don't know.

TBH I didn't read it as anything more than a frustrated rant at never having any time off - from making fussy-friendly meals, any time alone to watch a film with just their DH. I really don't think it's 'selfish and immature' for her to want that occasionally. She never mentions acting on the resentment, just feeling it - two very different things. I'm just going on what she said in her OP as we don't know any more.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 16:00:03

the op didnt say if her own child was fussy or a bother though just the older one she wants him to go to his mums he doesnt want to go to his mums that is what she is moaning about

pandarific Sat 18-Jan-14 16:22:47

mrsjay I agree, I think this is about treating the kids differently. I don't think they should be treated differently, which is why I said upthread don't make the DSS go to stay with his mum that weekend if he doesn't want to, as that'll impact badly on the DSS.

But. What's bugging me about some of the responses on here is that they're attacking the OP for her feelings - which by definition are out of a person's control! You can't force it - so she may feel resentful of some of DSS's demands (like fussy eating) where she may not feel resentful of her own one's demands to the same extent.

Privately feeling this way is understandable. Acting on it is not. And I just can't see anywhere in her OP where she suggests that she is - both her and her DH tried to arrange the going to his mums for the weekend, not just her, and he wasn't forced to go when he didn't want to.

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm just saying going on what she's said in the OP I can't see anything to justify the kicking she's getting. Bowing out now, time to go make a chilli!

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 16:28:09

TBH i think it is the words she used that got our backs up I am not saying she should use fluffy words but it does to a lot of look like she is resenting the boy as it isn't her own child, everybody is entitled to their feelings negative or otherwise but sometimes seeing them written down can shock people, IF the op said I dont like my step son (which I dont think is true) she would have got the same response

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 16:32:47

I think it taps into everyone's fear that people won't like or be kind to their children. The thought of some woman (no offence meant by that) taking a dislike to your child and resenting them feels very painful doesn't it? The idea that your child might have to spend time with someone who may not be nice to them and YOU as a parent have no say in that.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 18-Jan-14 16:38:16

Poor op.
Teenagers are annoying. They just are. When I was a teenager my parents were annoying.
And I can imagine that someone else's teenager, (albeit one with whom you have a "parenting" relationship) might be even more so.
I know it's not the poor boy's fault. And his needs, as the child, come first imo. But I can imagine it might feel frustrating to have someone there all the time if you were expecting otherwise.
Tbh, I find it annoying. That I can't send DH off somewhere every so often. wink

Queenofknickers Sat 18-Jan-14 17:11:33

The majority of these responses are vile - this is a fellow human reaching out for support. And we wonder why we get referred to as a nest of vipers.

OP - I hope you've stopped reading this vitriol and gone somewhere where there is some human compassion - for ALL the members of a blended family.

Floggingmolly Sat 18-Jan-14 17:14:00

I feel a lot more compassion for the stepson, who in theory has two homes but doesn't appear to be welcome in either of them.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 17:16:01

these responses have been as honest as the OP has been I feel sorry for the boy it isnt his fault his step mum cant cope with him in the house all the time. we all have to suck it up when we have kids teenager especially and need a break , I dont treat my children as an inconvenience though

Monetbyhimself Sat 18-Jan-14 17:17:29

Reaching out for support or bitching about a child who doesn't want to be kicked out of his home on a regular basis so that the OP can strut around naked ?

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 17:36:35

people who reach out for support are generally supported well on here people who think of children as a huge pain in the arse who need to get out of their house are usually pulled up on their posts

coco44 Sat 18-Jan-14 17:37:12

What a horrid woman you are!
2 Points
1) you bang on about it being your house.It isyour stepsons home

2)When you marry someone with children, as fat as he is concerned you are always going to play second fiddle to his kids

3)when you have kids , these things you mention are some of the things you sacrifice.

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 17:38:58

Well I don't think the op is being a bitch. Certainly not from what she has said in her post anyway. Some of the responses on this thread could be interpreted as that though.....

SeaSickSal Sat 18-Jan-14 17:40:23

I don't think simply telling the OP that she is absolutely right would have been helpful.

I have to say I feel for her, but not because she can't boot her stepson out occasionally.

I honestly think that the OP is feeling overwhelmed and stressed by a lot of things in her life and rather than focusing on the real causes of the problems is instead scapegoating her stepson and thinking that everything would be perfectly fine if only he wasn't there.

I don't think that this is a justified or very healthy thing for the OP to do. To be honest I think she needs help with everything else that is going on, feeling overworked, a lack of time, too much stress.

I think simply saying to her 'poor you, yes you're right, isn't it awful' would have been unhelpful to both her and her stepson. Hopefully she will have taken onboard that her attitude towards her stepson is unkind and unfair. But I think she does need sympathy for the other things going on in her life and help dealing with them so she can stop focusing on her stepson so much and taking it out on him.

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 17:40:47

I don't think the OP is a bitch i think she is fed up and doesn't understand teenagers and wants him to go to his mums and is sulking because he wont go and prefers to stay at home with his dad

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 17:42:07

The thought of some woman (no offence meant by that) taking a dislike to your child and resenting them feels very painful doesn't it?

How does the thought of some woman treating your child as one of her own leave you feeling, then?
Treating a teen DSC and a toddler bio-child the same is one of the most ludicrous expectations I have ever read on MN.

The vitriol against SM on this thread doesn't surprise me; but the contradiction and inconsistency fucks me off no end - one day I'm a child-stealing bitch because I care about my DHs DCs, the next I'm an unfeeling cow for not loving them like my own DD.
I can't even miss them in my life without someone finding fault with it.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 18-Jan-14 17:44:30

Ohh. Some of these responses are a bit harsh and personal.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 17:45:09

It feels better than someone making my child feel unwanted and disliked frogstar. I can't think why anyone would answer that question differently confused.

Surely there's a balance between the two though?

I'm not saying she should feel the same way as she does about her own child but they should certainly be treated the same.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 18:00:31

I can't think why anyone would answer that question differently

Can't you? Have you read any of the posts in the LP board? Or replies to SM on the step-board? Or situations like my own?

There are plenty of mums who resent their DCs stepmum for being nice - and would like for nothing better than to hear that their DCs dislike her because she's stereotypically Disney.

Surely there's a balance between the two though?

That balance varies from mother-to-mother though; a DSC relationship with their SM is entirely dependent on whether the DCs Mum believes the balance is right - not the DCs, not the DCs Dad, not the stepmum but the mum - the person who has the least direct involvement in the household.

Misspixietrix Sat 18-Jan-14 18:02:28

Not all kids hate their step-parents you know? I loved my Stepmother dearly and was heartbroken when she passed away suddenly. I really do think YABU though. Like a PP said he didn't ask to be a step child and frankly all chances of nooky go out the window when you have DCs anyway. What would you do when DD turns 13? Book a babysitter/get Granny and Book a hotel for the night.

stepmooster Sat 18-Jan-14 18:05:30

I just love how all step-parenting section regulars are lumped together as evil SM who can't wait until the DSC turn 18 and leave home.

FWIW I mainly use the forum to get help with a reforming Disney dad, a difficult ex who likes to pick and choose contact, long-distance travel since ex moved and how my friends and family still can't get their head around DSS being a part of my family.

Actually I do think anyone who marries a NRP is being incredibly naive to think that the child may want to change residency.

Most of the threads I see on SP are about partners not willing to be the parent and expecting the step parent to do the disciplining and childcare. I have a firm belief that owning a pair of testicles does not prevent you from being an equally good parent as a woman, whether RP or NRP. And all the bollocks about loving them as your own, my DSS has 2 parents already he loves him mum a lot and I want to enrich his life not start a maternal war with his mum. I think my relationship with DSS is good because I don't try to be his mother.

Really this thread is about a couple who need to make time for each other which is not a step parenting problem at all. If the op had posted in SP I would have said she needed to focus on the real problem and not blame her DSS.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 18:07:24

I don't agree with you Frogstar. That may be the case in YOUR situation ie the mother having all the control etc but it is clearly not the case here.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 18:15:53

sparkly that's not what you asked though. You asked why anyone would answer that question differently - nothing about the OP.

The fact that you have asked indicates you haven't read many of the posts on LP board - where there are regular posts expressing resentment for nice SM being in their DCs lives.

Even here on AIBU, those opinions are expressed regularly - often about SM who have been in the DSC lives for years!. Yes, they are often challenged here on MN - but that doesn't change the feelings nor the behaviour of Mum in RL.

MollyHooper Sat 18-Jan-14 18:16:24

There is a lot of projecting going on here. Clearly some peoples opinions are clouded by their personal situations.

The posters on this thread are not attacking all step parents, they just feel this particular one is in the wrong here.

Coming on and posting things like "Oh MN hates step parents any way" is unhelpful and dismissive.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 18:19:52

I was responding only to your question frogstar. Your situation is a completely different thread.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 18:20:11

molly have you read the whole thread?

There were a number of posts which collectively described the posters on the stepparenting board in a number of colourful ways. Thread titles from the stepparenting board were derided and used as evidence that stepparents were wicked and evil.
My own thread, describing my own situation, was used in that way - the poster has since apologised, but I can assure you that stepparents were attacked as a group on this thread.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 18-Jan-14 18:21:52

I went out with a man who had 2 dcs for 4 years. No I didnt love them as much as I loved my own but I did love them and wouldnt have wanted them to go somewhere that made them unhappy.

The same with my own teen, yes I would have loved a night with just dp occasionally but he didnt want to go to his dads so that was the end of it. Instead we had to work around it.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 18:23:37

..and some of the posters from this thread have resurrected old threads on the SParenting board to post [biscuits].

Very supportive.

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 19:00:25

frog which threads? I saw one that had a . On it which I thought was odd, possibly done to 'bump' it to the top but no biscuits that I could see.

planeticketplease Sat 18-Jan-14 19:06:50

OP, you are posting in the wrong place. If you had posted this is step parenting you would have got some support. I am a full time step parent and a bio mum, total of 4 kids. I have similar issues to you and I reach breaking point on a regular basis. Step parenting and parenting your own kids are completely different things, and imho step parenting is a million times harder, more thankless, and you get much less social support - especially from other mums! Step mothers need time to regain their sanity because their job is exceptionally tough and the pivotal relationship (with dp) is under strains that first family parents are not under, ie divided loyalties. I am frankly stunned at the replies you have got here. All I can assume is that very very few of these women are full time step parents, and therefore don't have a clue of what life as a step mother can be like. I don't think you sound like a horrible or nasty person at all. I think you sound like you need a break, which I completely understand. Next time PLEASE post in step parenting, you will get support on there!!

planeticketplease Sat 18-Jan-14 19:20:25

Frog - well said. Step mums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. we can never do anything right. The venom against step mothers is relentless and soul destroying, both on here and in RL.

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 19:30:25

thatisall What possible reason could that particular poster have had for bumping that particular post? - particularly given that the poster in question has directly referred, in a negative manner, to the title of that particular thread on this thread - which, I believe, is a breach of the MN talk guidelines.

This thread is an accurate representation of societies view of step mums - given the generations of conditioning, it's not surprising, but rather ironic, given the apparently progressive stance of members of the site in other aspects of life/parenting.

In terms of attitude towards stepmothers here on MN, the trend is definitely 1950's wink

Owllady Sat 18-Jan-14 19:34:03

I dont understand why the op d o esnt take advantage of having a live in babysitter smile

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 19:39:40

frog I agree it was bumped so that it could be referred to here, which is a bit off. But I don't see a load of biscuits hmm. Not being arsey but I genuinely can't see a barrage of people attacking sm on the step parents board, I'm sorry but I can't.

feckawwf Sat 18-Jan-14 19:41:57

Let's face it WHO gets 2 nights free every 14days??? I'm lucky to get 1 night every 14wks(my own dc) it sounds like you are very resentful and if it's getting to you that much maybe it's a break-up not a break you actually need!

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 19:43:16

Being a stepmum can be really hard. Unless you have actually done it, you cannot know how hard it is.

It can also be lovely and wonderful at times.

I find it so upsetting when people say that step parents must love their step children in the same way as they would love their own children. Really? I don't have children of my own yet, but I imagine the love is overwhelming and unconditional. Because they are your child. You have brought them up with the rules and values that you think are appropriate.

When you're a step parent, it can feel at times that you are expected to be ready to go along with everything enthusiastically. You must not question anything, lest you be deemed an evil step parent.

The only thing you feel like you cannot involve yourself in is behaviour and rules. Because they're not your children, so it's not your place to do so.

So I can understand the OPs frustration. I don't think OP really thinks she should turf her stepson out, I think she is just stressed and finding it hard. Because when they're not your own children, you don't have the unconditional love that stops you from feeling sp frustrated when you don't get time to yourself. Thats all it is. Its not that you don't love them.

Btw, I love my stepson. He loves me too. We get on really well and I love spending time with him. But aspects of step parenting are very hard, and I don't think people should judge so harshly.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 18-Jan-14 19:45:56

You sound truly awful op.

Your dss must feel the resentment oozing from you!

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 19:52:05

Let's face it WHO gets 2 nights free every 14days???

Hmm, well the dss's birth mother does. Well she gets more than that really. 14 nights out of 14 nights. Shame she doesn't want to step up and make a nice bedroom for her son to come home to so that she can spend some quality time with him. Couldn't imagine not doing that myself. Very sad for dss.

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 19:53:11

Because when they're not your own children, you don't have the unconditional love that stops you from feeling sp frustrated when you don't get time to yourself

There speaks someone who doesn't have children yet grin. Believe me, this 'unconditional' love doesn't stop DH or I from feeling complete and utter frustration at times in that we never, ever get a break from our DCs.

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 19:54:20

Can I just add, I have felt frustration at my step parenting role at times too. I would never ever let this show, I deal with it myself and move past it.

OP has never said that she does anything to show her frustration. There is nothing to suggest that she shows, or even feels resentment. She is just feeling frustrated, which is a normal thing to feel when you're finding something hard. It doesn't make you a bad person.

There are some nasty comments on here. OP was just looking for some advice and support.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 19:55:55

A RP with a decent ex partner could reasonably expect the DC to go and stay with their other parent at least 2 nights out of 14.

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 19:58:51

I had a feeling someone might pick up on me not having children. But in the same way that I cannot fully understand what it is like to have children, if you don't have stepchildren, you cannot fully understand what it is like to have stepchildren.

I want to phrase that better but I can't. I love my stepson - I feel like I've phrased it in a way that could be interpreted differently.

I'm not trying to start an argument or act like I know everything. I just wanted to stand up abit for the OP who must be upset to be reading such harsh comments.

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:00:13

I feel a little bit as well that, its ok for a parent to say that their children are frustrating them and they need a break - but if a step parent says it they're deemed an evil step parent. It doesn't seem fair or make much sense to me.

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 20:05:24

I only picked up on you not having children because of your comment that I highlighted smile

The thing is, not having any time to yourself when you have DCs is par for the course. It can be bloody exhausting, relentless, and mind numbing, esp. when you're working f/t and/or have ill health, and so when someone complains that she doesn't get any time to just be with her DH and feels that her DSS should go off to his mothers 2 nights every fortnight then it's hard to be very sympathetic (esp when, for whatever reason he doesn't want to go).

Hogwash Sat 18-Jan-14 20:16:33

OP, I can tell you how many child free nights I have had in the last twelve and a half years ... zero. I did get half a night off for giving birth to DC2 and DC3 but was back on the job the next day. DH and I are still together after a very long time, still love each other, are still committed to each other. It's a matter of snatching the odd hour or two together and getting on with it.

You wanted children, you wanted your partner and he came with a child ... if you can't get over it, get some counselling.

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:22:13

I can totally understand why that kind of comment could be frustrating, and why it could be hard to feel sympathy when obviously you do not get a break either. I do see what you mean, and I can see it from both sides.

I just also know how hard being a step parent can be at times, and I felt that some of the comments that the OP received were really harsh.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 20:23:53

I think the fact that a lot of us know what it's like to get no child free time means we can afford to be sympathetic to the OP. It is hard, most of us would love to have reliable available babysitters so we could occasionally spend some time with our partners / friends / alone. I think when it comes to the point that the child has another parent who doesn't pull their weight that the resentment can be quite overwhelming at times. I know there've been times when my DSS were up puking in the night and I was feeling ropey and had to look after the baby that I could've cursed their Mother for not doing her share so I could have a break.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Sat 18-Jan-14 20:26:15

I think people are being rather unkind, it's not too much to ask for you and your husband to have some time alone together. However it's not other peoples responsibility to look after the children.
If ds is a teenager he can entertain himself for a couple hours.
What does your husband think.
You must be doing something right for him to want to live with you instead of his own mum.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 18-Jan-14 20:28:24

I had two nights off from DS, when I was in hospital having dd by c's.
So, not couple time. But I did get a few cups of tea
grin
But that's not the point is it? The initial arrangement with DSs has changed and the plan for him to go tho his DM has folded.

Where is the OP?

BrianTheMole Sat 18-Jan-14 20:29:24

I think when it comes to the point that the child has another parent who doesn't pull their weight that the resentment can be quite overwhelming at times.

Yes, absolutely.

Owllady Sat 18-Jan-14 20:30:30

Quite a lot of us know what it is like to be the resented step/child too
I have been both btw s/mum,s/child, child, mother
The best thing to do is to think of a child centr i c response imho
Boy needs a stable loving home, which he has
Nothing stopping a stepmum and dad either getting him to sit whilst they go out or getting a sitter in
Personally i would make the best of what i had available

LollyPop87 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:32:37

I've just read my comment back and it reads abit cold - it wasn't meant to! I really can see it from the other side too, it was just the nasty comments from some posters that I found upsetting.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 18-Jan-14 20:40:26

The OP only posted the OP and has not returned.

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 20:45:16

I know - some of the posts have been a bit eye-watering. I think the OP probably just touches a lot of raw nerves, from those who are step parents, or have been step parents, or who never, ever get a break from their DCs....the OP did read a bit like a litany of complaints from someone who is in precisely the same situation as thousands of us with DCs.

SamU2 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:48:00

OP can get time alone with her dh.

1. Maybe SS could babysit her little one while they go out

2. Maybe she can get someone else to babysit

3. She could simply tell SS that they are having a film night in their bedroom and ask not to be disturbed for a few hours

There are other ways of getting alone time. All of us with teens run into this issue.

He obviously doesn't want to go round his mothers which is really sad and probably says a lot about her. As a kid I would have felt unwanted to have my SM trying to convince me to stay somewhere I don't want to go just so she can have some time alone.

Like it or not, it does send a message to the step child and not a nice one. OP needs time alone, trying to get a child to stay somewhere when he doesn't want to go isn't the best option.

We have no idea what is up with the mum but if she can't even be arsed to give him a proper sleeping place I very much doubt he feels wanted there.

UniS Sat 18-Jan-14 20:51:58

how come you don;t do what most people do and get a baby sitter in every now n then and go out with your DH occasionally. Doesn't have to close family. Older teens or student age young peopleare quite capable of being awake and in charge for a few hours.

Friends with scatty 12 year old children ask a 21 year old back for uni holiday to sit for them. My childminders daughter ( age 16 tho to 20ish) has sat for us.

MollyHooper Sat 18-Jan-14 20:55:20

Lolly if the OP had started a thread saying she needed a break because of her stepsons behaviour/attitude she would have gotten a very different response.

This thread is about the fact that he would rather stay with his dad (and his step mum which makes it sadder) than go and sleep in a damp room at his mums. This is apparently getting in the way of quality time with her DH and she resents this kid for it.

Why not start a thread about his mum and the fact the his bedroom is damp? Or about wanting more time with her DH? I can guarantee that OP would have gotten lots of support and suggestions.

The reason this thread went the way it did is because the SS was the target, of course people will get defensive on his behalf. None of this is his fault.

Ragusa Sat 18-Jan-14 20:56:04

I can't imagine anyone who has ever had kids woukd fail to understand the sheer frustration of never having any child free time. It's stifling. And when someone else has reneged on an agreement to look after a chikd (the stepson's mum) that is doubly frustrating.

What has got people's backs up here is the suggestion the stepson is in some way to blame and shoikd be absenting himself when there are clearly issues at his mum's place. If you're stressed and depressed it is very tempting to blame others. But that is not fair or helpful. Especially when the blamed person is a child.

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 20:57:39

Haven't read the full thread (I know - sorry!!) but a)does the OP know for a fact that her DSS's room is wet, and b)is anything being done to address the dampness?

insummeritrains Sat 18-Jan-14 21:06:20

Where is OP, anyway? sitting back with a huge bag of popcorn?

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 21:25:05

Hidden the thread, if she's got any sense - can't be an easy one to read

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 21:29:01

molly if a SM started a thread in AIBU about her DSS mums provision of a damp room I can guarantee she would have been lynched.
The mere suggestion that a SM might be criticising their DSC mother brings the MN posse out in force.

MollyHooper Sat 18-Jan-14 21:37:35

I doubt it.

A thread like that may bring a few odd ones to the surface but there are many, many helpful and level headed members of MN that usually shoot those posters down.

This is all really "Them and Us" which doesn't really help anyone.

deakymom Sat 18-Jan-14 21:38:05

i see where you are coming from i think you worded it wrong.......i understand the frustration of not seeing your husband and just being parents and working it sounds like he likes you better than his mom which is nice now book a holiday with free childcare for your three year old and activities for the teen and spend some time as a couple xx

FrogStarandRoses Sat 18-Jan-14 22:06:33

molly Have you read a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin?

It is a summary if somewhat controversially named of social research into the attitudes and opinions towards stepmothers in different cultures through generations.

Denying there is a them and us attitude is denying what has been well documented and researched across cultures, decades and communities.

Stepmothers have been vilified for generations. They have been used as substitutes in fairy tales when it became distasteful to paint mothers as evil. Hounded by the media when their true relationship with child victims is revealed and spurned by communities for their perceived motivations.

Pretending that there isn't a stigma associated with step mothering is probably the most damaging thing of all. Its only when you become one that you truly discover the extent of the hatred towards the role you have taken on.

BruthasTortoise Sat 18-Jan-14 22:38:03

I have to say Frog that irl I've had nothing but positive feedback in my role as a stepmum. This may be because my DSSs Mum was largely uninvolved for many years and my DH was a resident single father to two very young sons when we got together though.

foreverondiet Sun 19-Jan-14 00:13:37

What will you do with your dd when she is a teenager to get quality time? Sorry yabu - can he not babysit while you go out, otherwise go to bed early and close your door.

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 08:17:37

bruthas that's really good to hear - sadly, it's clear from research and anecdotal evidence that your experience is not shared by all stepmums.

Balaboosta Sun 19-Jan-14 08:23:06

I am gobsmacked by the negative responses on this thread. Where's your compassion people? This is not the same as the woman on the train. Appalled.

Vix1980 Sun 19-Jan-14 08:48:21

*Christ almighty it's obvious even from a badly written post, that this is about wanting some alone time with the Mr and there's nothing wrong with that.

Reading the words step kids does funny things to people it seems hmm*

This!!

She says at the start of her post This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now

No where in her post does she say she is taking it out on her stepson, no where does it say she resents him, yes its implied, but those jumping on the bandwagon and shouting poor lad... seriously???

She has come on here for a rant, to let off a bit of steam, all i read from her Op is that she is stressed, has a young child and wants some alone time with her husband, not so wrong is it?? Maybe it is a little wrongly worded but Im guilty of writing first thinking later also. Those jumping on her should be ashamed!

cory Sun 19-Jan-14 09:29:34

Vix, if the OP is fuming inside because she has expectations of quality time alone with her husband- what do you think the chances are that a teenager will be totally unaware of those feelings?

She is being flamed because those are unrealistic expectations to have once you have children in any shape or form. Going around with unrealistic expectations creates an unhealthy atmosphere both for the person who has them and for the people around.

She will discover that for herself if once their 3yo is a teenager her husband starts fuming with unrealistic resentment because he is always under their feet and there is not time for couple quality time.

I don't think most posters are vilifying stepmothers- they are responding in exactly the same way as they would respond re a biological child. Children need to feel wanted and loved in the home where they live. It must be horrible to live in a house where somebody gets upset because you don't go away for the weekend as expected.

Whenever there is one of these threads there is always a strong response claiming that society vilifies stepmothers and it's all because we hate stepmothers.

But if a woman posts in relationships that "my partner resents my teen son and I am so upset" there is an equally unanimous (and possibly overreacting) response of "ditch him, your son must come first". You never see anyone there suggesting that it's all about MN hating stepfathers. Only that children have certain needs and they must come first.

Again, what would the response be if a stepchild posted AIU to be fuming inside because my stepmum is supposed to work away every other weekend but this weekend she isn't?

The truth is that everybody needs to feel welcome in their home- and those who have two homes (through no choice of their own, let's remember) need to feel welcome in both of them.

ItsSoooFluffy Sun 19-Jan-14 09:32:53

YABU.

BruthasTortoise Sun 19-Jan-14 09:38:40

But if a woman posted in AIBU saying "aibu to expect my ex to take the DC every other weekend so I can have a break?" the responses would be completely different, cory. Nobody would accuse her of not loving the children or tell her to suck it up or tell her she knew what she was getting into when she had children. People would be sympathetic to the fact that she sounds tired and at the end of her tether and would flame the ex for not stepping up.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 10:05:25

I think you summed it up perfectly cory.

SamU2 Sun 19-Jan-14 10:11:41

no where does it say she resents him

Maybe you should read the OP again?

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 10:14:09

cory But society does vilify stepmothers - there is a significant amount of social research to prove that.

It's not paranoia, it's not playing the victim - it is well evidenced that regardless of the culture or society, the role of "stepmother" is associated with hostility, estrangement and lack of acceptance.

It's actually quite amusing to read posts that try and disassociate themselves from that social conditioning; "oh, we don't hate ALL SM, but this SM isn't being fair" - MN is representative of society, so to pretend that all members are more enlightened and are unaffected by social trends is unrealistic. Even the moderation on MN is affected by social conditioning - as it should be.

WhenWhyWhere Sun 19-Jan-14 10:28:06

As a Mum of teens and DCs in their early 20’s I think I tend to be more sympathetic towards DCs of this age rather than the 'adults' around them. In this case I am obviously sympathetic towards the OP but I also feel its unreasonable to tell a teen (by text?) that they are unwelcome in their own home without any reason.
The step daughter may have behaved badly when the OP miscarried 16 months ago but in teen 'time' 16 months is a long time. I bet she has matured a little since then.

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 10:35:50

But if a woman posted in AIBU saying "aibu to expect my ex to take the DC every other weekend so I can have a break?"

This is so true! If an RP wants to have a break then this is 100% OK.

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 10:40:05

But if the stepmum wants a break...

EVIL WITCH.

If the dad ("NRP") wants a break...

SHIT DAD

If the mum ("RP") wants a break...

Poor little you. It must be so so incredibly difficult for you. Have a pat on the back from us.

SirChenjin Sun 19-Jan-14 10:40:41

Well said Cory

Ragusa Sun 19-Jan-14 10:57:18

This is all a bit academic now isn't it, given the OP is staying away?

cory Sun 19-Jan-14 11:16:28

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 10:14:09
"cory But society does vilify stepmothers - there is a significant amount of social research to prove that."

The fact that society vilifies stepmothers doesn't mean that anyone who tells a stepmother she is BU is merely doing it as part of this vilification process. Or are you trying to say that nobody should ever try to tell any individual stepmother she is BU in any individual case because we are bound to be part of the vilification process? In which case, where is the point in posting in AIBU?

What I think a lot of posters on this thread are saying is: "It doesn't matter if you are a stepmother or a biological mother: teens have certain needs and any household including a teen is responsible for meeting those needs."

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 10:35:50
"But if a woman posted in AIBU saying "aibu to expect my ex to take the DC every other weekend so I can have a break?""

I have never seen a biomother posting about the need to take a teenager to give her a break: in those cases, it is about mothers being worn out by the constant slog of looking after a younger child and needing a break from that.

Teenagers have very different needs. They don't need taking to the toilet or washing or help with dressing or constant supervision. What they do need- and arguably more than a younger child- is to feel welcome night and day. Because of their age they are far more likely to be sensitive to any suggestion that this is not the case. This ime is as basic a teen need as getting help putting your shoes on as a toddler.

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 11:33:56

So is a stepmother allowed a break from her very young dsc then? Say, a 7 year old who is very demanding? The same way their mother is allowed a break? The stepmum might be absolutely worn out but because she came in to the equation some time later "she knew what she was getting herself into so has to suck it up".

BruthasTortoise Sun 19-Jan-14 11:40:40

I disagree cory - I have seen threads on here about teens being sent to stay at Grandma's house for the night or a friends house while the parents are having a bit of couple time. If anything I've found that teens are more accommodating of (and considerably more disgusted by!) their parents need to have some "alone" time. I think if the OP had any other support then this wouldn't be an issue - the kids would go and stay at a relatives for a night occasionally and they could go out for the night.

Alifelivedforwards Sun 19-Jan-14 11:47:50

needaholiday - yes of course she's allowed to want a break. But children's needs come first and this boy is in need. He has obviously had a tumultuous time, parents splitting, new stepparents and siblings, isn't comfortable at his own mothers, possibly feeling a bit in the way at this dads... I know we're not allowed to say this on Mumsnet but going through your parents divorce is pretty shit no matter the circumstances. He needs to feel comfortable and wanted. That's not the OP's can to carry alone but she can do her bit and ride this time period out.

I do not think OP is an 'evil witch' at all, and I agree some people have been hurtful and unpleasant in their responses.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 11:50:11

I actually think it's little to do with being a step mother tbh. Agree that if a bio mother had come and said "AIBU to want my teenager to disappear every weekend so that me and DH can have some alone time and I can walk around naked. I am beginning to resent them for not doing so" she would have been roasted to a cinder.

BruthasTortoise Sun 19-Jan-14 11:55:20

Aw sparkly that's not the main reason she wants him to go. Read the OP, it reads like someone in despair, trying to fix a rocky relationship and suffering from depression.

Wow, YABridiculouslyU and let's face it you don't sound very nice. I feel sorry for your DSS, he deserves better.

Thatisall Sun 19-Jan-14 12:42:18

bruthas and blaming their 'unreasonable' dss' presence for that despair? That's not right is it? And I agree with sparkly, if his DM had posted the same thing, she would have got a similar response.

BruthasTortoise Sun 19-Jan-14 12:56:11

No of course it's not right. I'm not saying that, but what I am saying is that we can afford to be sympathetic in our response, in the exact same way we would if a mother had posted this. I don't believe it would have been a flaming, I believe it would've been you're unreasonable but we can see you're overwhelmed so let's try and figure it out (which some posters on this thread did, admitedly).

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 12:57:18

grin Have you read the whole thread, strawberry or is your post a knee-jerk reaction based on the OPs title/initial post?

cory - no, telling a SM she IBU is not vilification. Belittling posters for suggesting that she post on another area of MN, and insulting users of that MN board is. I've often seen AIBU posts saying that the OP would be better off posting on the relationship board, or SN board. Not once have I seen a post on the SN board deliberately bumped to prove a point about posters on that board.

ElenorRigby Sun 19-Jan-14 14:39:45

Woah what a thread, ah how the world hates stepmothers grin

OP dont take it personally, people just cant help themselves wink

DD has cottoned on that I'm DSD's stepmother, she piped up "but your not horrid Mummy" (DD loves Cinderella)
"No sweetheart I think most real step mummys are actually very nice"

TiggyOBE Sun 19-Jan-14 15:12:06

The world doesn't hate stepmothers Elenor, just stepmothers who want their step children to go away, like the OP.

BeverlyMoss Sun 19-Jan-14 15:22:30

I don't see that the OP wants her SS to go away though, she wants a break - she (very basically speaking) has a teenager who is not her own flesh and blood living with her full time.

To have got to that position she must care about him.

I will concede that her posts are very poorly worded and will not attract huge sympathy.

Philoslothy Sun 19-Jan-14 15:38:27

Am a stepmother, although my stepson is practically an adult now.

There is nothing wrong in wanting time with your DH, infact it is important. However the OP phrased it in a bad way. I wonder if she also feels resentment against her biological child for getting in the way.

The DSS's mother should be pulling her weight, however because she is not that means the OP and her husband need to make sure that they do nothing that makes the DSS feel unwelcome.

I am a step parent who rarely posts on the step parenting board having been ripped to shreds on their in the past for not conforming to what seems to me to be the dominant view . I suspect you are more likely to get a stepparent posing in that section if they have a difficult relationship with their husband's ex or stepchildren. if I need to post about my stepson I would do so on the main board, rather than await the flaming.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sun 19-Jan-14 15:48:28

I had my lovely niece to stay for a couple of weeks last summer.
She is 13. She's adorable and I would say we are quite close tbh.
But by day 10 9 8 7 I craved the tiny fragment of time I usually have alone in the evenings after the DCs are in bed blush
Teenagers are less daytime slog than toddlers IMHO. But they stay up so bloody late, and they hang out with you and watch tv with you etc.
I felt guilty for it but the desire for some time (30 mins?) on my own was very real.
I have no idea whether I will feel like that when my fabulous babies are teenagers. Time will tell. grin

sunshinemmum Sun 19-Jan-14 15:55:17

I do think that the OP needs and deserves a break. the fact that her SS wants to be there 100% of the time, is testament of how well she has cared for him and welcomed him into the family. I have one pre teen, who is frankly hard work.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 16:02:54

The point is ALL parents need a break chances are you aren't going to get one though. It's fine to want a break, it's not fine to turf your kids out of their homes fortnightly when they really don't want to go, to a place that they are not welcome and if they won't go be resentful of them. His Mum and brother live there and this kid is going all out to not have to go there. There's obviously a reason for that.

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 16:12:43

The world doesn't hate stepmothers Elenor, just stepmothers who want their step children to go away

......Or stepmothers who overstep and try to replace the DC's Mum, or stepmothers who disengage, hide in their room, and leave parenting to the DC's parents, or stepmothers who don't meet all their DSC physical needs, or stepmums who dare to provide their DSC with practical support, or stepmums who consider their DSC family, or stepmums who don't treat their DSC like family.....you know, there is probably a wider range of opinions as to what a stepmother should or should not be than about anyone else on MN - and they nearly all contradict each other.

coldplumporridge Sun 19-Jan-14 16:12:45

slowcooker a change is as good as a rest, they say. Might you all be able to afford a very cheap hotel weekend away and go somewhere different, taking 3 year old and DSS with you? I have a similar set up to yours and while I can see where you're coming from I don't think you're going to get the time for you and DH that you crave, perhaps a short break might help?

ziaren Sun 19-Jan-14 16:51:48

I have not read all 417 replies so don't know if this has already been written but I DO NOT THINK OP IS BEING AT ALL UNREASONABLE.

This boy is NOT HER SON, HE HAS HIS OWN MOTHER. OP is struggling at the moment. When OP and her DP got together, the step children were with them 50% of the time. Over the years, this evolved into having one kid 100% of the time - NOT WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!

Honestly, I would resent anyone that made walking about naked in my own home impossible! Something I wouldn't think twice about doing with my own child but would probably get arrested (or at the very least reported to social services) for doing in the presence of a step-child.

If I signed up for 50% care of someone else's child and got lumped with 100% care after a few years, I'd feel pretty cheated too! Besides, why isn't the mother demanding that her own son spend ANY time with her?!?! Surely that makes the EX a not-so-great mother?!

The bottom line is that OP is desperate for a better relationship with her partner and believes this can (start to) be achieved if the EX took responsibility of her own child 2 nights out of 15! Seems reasonable to me.

So all the step-mom bashers should just do one!!!!

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 16:57:21

Well said Frog!

The "you're not his/her mother/ you're not being motherly enough towards him/her" is a cracker.

And getting moaned at for actually leaving the parenting to the child's parents?? That's just shocking behaviour... Oh wait, not its not!

Alifelivedforwards Sun 19-Jan-14 17:02:32

Ziaren - ok he's NOT HER SON as you charmingly put in caps, but she is WITH HIS FATHER and she therefore must regard her house as his home and treat him as she would her own even if she doesn't feel it in her heart. Because he's a child and it's his father's house and he didn't ask for any of this to happen to him.

I'm sure he would be delighted to hear you say his stepmother has been 'lumped' with looking after him.

In fact why I am responding to such an offensive post?

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 17:08:21

"Lumped".

I think that says it all really doesn't it?

What a disgusting word to use.

Not what she signed up for? Tough. Nothing in parenting is what we signed up for. I have two autistic children. I certainly didn't "sign up" for that! Guess what though? I rolled with the punches and got on with it and life with them is grand.

Big grown women stamping their feet and saying "this isn't what I signed up for, I don't want to be lumped with him". Are utterly repellant, as is your post and a good example of why SOME step mothers get such bad press.

SamU2 Sun 19-Jan-14 17:14:54

Ziaren it is a bit naive to assume that contact is going to stay the same way for years to come.

Not what she signed up for? Things change and it is stupid to think that things will remain static for ever.

My kids step-mum didn't sign up for her husband to die young but yet here she is still supporting them even though she never signed up for that. When you marry someone with kids it is stupid to expect the arrangements will stay the same. OP didn't sign up for anything other than knowing she was marrying a man with children and during the years things could change.

BTW I have teens, I can't walk around naked as much as I would like either. I don't resent them for that, it's what happens when you have children. When OP's child is a teen should she resent her for not being able to walk around naked? I am ok with nakedness, my kids don't mind seeing me naked every now and then but there will be no more evenings of sitting around naked now. Most teens don't want their parents walking around naked all evening.

I am not a step-parent basher. My children have two fantastic step-parents who go above and beyond for them.

I am against step-parents who try to send their SC child off for a weekend to somewhere they don't want to be so they can walk around naked and have alone time when there are other options for her to achieve this alone time that do not involve making her SC feel like he is in the way.

His mother sounds awful and for whatever reason he doesn't want to see her and shouldn't be forced into going somewhere he doesn't want to go at his age so step mum can walk around naked.

OP can get her alone time, she just has to think of other ways like most of us here have to do.

SamU2 Sun 19-Jan-14 17:17:34

Big grown women stamping their feet and saying "this isn't what I signed up for, I don't want to be lumped with him". Are utterly repellant, as is your post and a good example of why SOME step mothers get such bad press.

Exactly.

Like I said, my kids step-mum lost her husband five weeks ago and from the goodness of her own heart she still wants them in her life as much as before and continues to support them.

She is only in her late 20's too. Thank god she doesn't have that attitude.

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 17:19:29

I bet many many stepmums get used as free, convenient childcare. Say their partner works and she's off on maternity leave, or has been redundant so is off work for that reason, or their partner works at weekends. There was a thread last year where there was a stepmum on maternity leave, and her partner wanted to take his daughter out of childcare after school so that he didn't have to pay for it as "his partner could look after her instead and do all o the school runs".

Yep, that's what I class as being "lumped" with a child, and it is something I bet no stepmum signs up for. To be used to the parents' advantage! It's disgusting the way some step parents are treated.

Alifelivedforwards Sun 19-Jan-14 17:23:33

Jesus Christ

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 17:26:10

SamU hats off to your children's stepmum. That was her decision and everyone is happy with it.

But understand that not every SM would do the same and each undividual decision should be respected. It sounds like your children's stepmum will be in their lives for a very long time, but not everyone would find it so easy to remain obligated to their stepchildren years and years down the line. That doesn't make them a bad person.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 17:27:07

I posted on that thread and agreed that was unreasonable.

But that is not what the OP is describing here.