to think this is odd and am right to be, shall we say, intrigued...

(86 Posts)
thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:24:23

my OH for want of a better word has been an utter cock. in his treatment of me and our relationship for 2.5 years of its 4 year run. he got busted. but after a period of what could only be seen as punishment, but necessary venting may be another way of putting it, I did the pro's and con's list and realised I am a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for and we gave it another go. this all happened 1.5 years ago. as a result his facebook account was in my sole possession. no one had access but me. in a stupid row to wind me up he set another one up. added only people we knew (3 of them anyway) and left it alone. no profile pic, no info. an act of defiance from his inner grounded child.

fast forward last week, I made a fb comment on a friends wall, to which this unused account was used by him to comment on it. I went to look at the account, still no pic/info, a few more friends (football manager, boss) but also a woman who I don't know. set her account up in july 2013, only has him for a friend and this friendship happened in august. she lives 3 counties over but In an area he occasionally has fleeting business in (not overnight).

what are your my increasing poirot impression unreasonable?

Twinkletron Tue 14-Jan-14 18:26:16

Hmmmmm very dodgy!!!

raffle Tue 14-Jan-14 18:27:33

I'm not on FB, and don't fully understand it, but what is the point of you being in control of his FB account?

earlyriser Tue 14-Jan-14 18:29:45

He is winding you up or having an affair.

Hercy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:30:17

You either forgive someone and try to move on or you don't forgive them and end it.

You can't control him like this forever, and your relationship has no future if you try to.

SharpLily Tue 14-Jan-14 18:31:38

I think it's time to stop running your relationship through Facebook hmm.

Hercy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:32:08

Oh, and as to the addition of this facebook friend, if I was putting a bet on it, I would wager that the woman is a fake account he's set up to wind you up (probably to point out the ridiculousness of you having sole conduct of his proper account).

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:33:06

I took control over the first account he had as, having been through his phone realised that his fb account would be riddled with the extent of his cockish behaviour. I demanded the password, found out his pleads of innocence were bull and changed the password and closed the account down. if he tried to re enter it an alert would be sent to my email. it was basically his little black book. at the time in all of the anger it made sense, as he never really used the account for general friend to friend contact, his use for it following that was redundant.

misty75 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:33:32

Please can you tell us more about his previous cockish behaviour? Because so far you're giving the impression of being quite controlling and belittling of your OH, and more context might help people understand and sympathise with your position.

ConnectFourChamp Tue 14-Jan-14 18:34:35

Sounds unhealthy. Life might be better if you just leave him.

"utter cock"
"inner grounded child"

I think you equate having control over the Facebook account of someone you despise with being a strong woman, OP.

misty75 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:36:54

Sorry, x-posted with most, but agree with Hercy and C4C.

Shakirasma Tue 14-Jan-14 18:40:09

Whatever is or isn't going on, the fact is that you and he are in a very unhealthy relationship.

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:43:20

I don't run my relationship through facebook. I use it as a medioum to keep in contact with friends over 200 miles away and abroad. the comment was made between me and my friend. he joined in on an account he said he didn't use and until last week every aspect of his behaviour has been one where a horrendous household was turned in to a happy one, no sleeping with phone almost stapled to hand, no password for phone I don't know, can use phone for phone call for example without being hovered over and timed.

I have no control over this account, as in no access nor have I felt the need to ask for it, as I was lead to believe it was unused and how our relationship has been had no need to doubt that. but for someone with a a bit of form in the truthbending department but new glowing reports on the relationship front, I was just canvassing opinion.

I have moved on from what happened (to the extent any woman says that they can, it will still hurt me when im 80, but that's because im not made of stone, not because I hold a life rearranging grudge), hence him still being in my breathing space. but with my only confidante, my best friend....who happens to be his best mates gf, not the most useful in these situations, I wondered it was worthy of having a conversation that could end up being a coupe of steps backwards.

lollerskates Tue 14-Jan-14 18:45:16

You dislike each other intensely. Why not go your separate ways?

CoffeeTea103 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:46:33

Your relationship sounds exhausting to keep wondering what he's up to. I find that you having sole possession of his fb account controlling and more importantly unhealthy.

Silvercatowner Tue 14-Jan-14 18:46:51

I'm sorry but you sound really weird.

Toecheese Tue 14-Jan-14 18:47:04

By little black book you mean women he had affairs with?!

FFS Just split up! Why waste time with someone you don't like or trust? I never understand this sort of relationship confused

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:16

It doesn't sound like a happy household to me. You sound bitter, angry and not a little neurotic OP. Really, what's the point?

TheWitTank Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:24

Why bother? I really couldn't be with someone I had to "control" to that extent. It is not a healthy way to have a relationship. You either trust someone or you don't. If you don't and never will, it's dead and buried. It's all very teenager, Facebook (sigh) and mind games. If he has really set up another account for the sole purpose of infuriating you then you should know without asking its seriously over.

Toecheese Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:34

If there's no trust and honesty, go your own way. It's pointless staying together

Quoteunquote Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:52

None of this is making either of you happy, it's no way to live any life, sulking around and second guessing everything, start being really honest with yourselves about what you want, and then you can be honest with each other,

if when you compare notes on what would make you both happy, they don't compliment each other, go and do what makes you happy.

NotThemCrows Tue 14-Jan-14 18:52:36

As soon as you said you had control of his fb, I thought "he will set up a new one to use".

He can also buy and hide a new phone.

He has been unfaithful.
You cannot trust him.
He is very likely to continue to be unfaithful.

Be a strong woman for real and move on with your life. For both your sakes.

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:54:03

as I said the account was immediately closed down following me seeing everything I knew would be found....a thought process along the lines of, that I needed to hit rock bottom to build myself up again, I couldn't start laying groundwork wondering if anything else was waiting to be found that could ruin anything we had worked on.

previous cockish behaviour includes the following....20 plus 'attempts' to cheat, 1 sustained affair (that was rumbled and the restarted, but before I knew about the 'attempts'), a drug habit from over 10 years ago resurfacing, finishing work at 19:30 and returning home a 05:00 the next day (drinking in the pub was very appealing, more appealing than his child and pregnant gf, then would carry on drinking/using at a mates house) and ofcourse not forgetting being thrown into the mix as a potential father of the local whores child (according to her dates he isn't...he was working away with his boss when she conceived....and she would be incapable of pinpointing a father owing to how she conducts herself)

AmIthatWintry Tue 14-Jan-14 18:54:32

Is this a joke. I'm genuinely baffled that someone is proud of behaving like this to another adult Or am I missing something.

Zucker Tue 14-Jan-14 18:55:23

Why are you still with him? There's no trophy for sticking it out the longest.

TheWitTank Tue 14-Jan-14 18:58:37

So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Fuck all it sounds like. Do the very obvious right thing.

Teeb Tue 14-Jan-14 18:59:45

You sound like a controlling bully. By the sounds of it he's cheated.

You shouldn't be together.

BeaWheesht Tue 14-Jan-14 19:00:37

Why on earth do people continue in 'relationships' like this?!

softlysoftly Tue 14-Jan-14 19:09:51


Oh no, wait, I'm not.

He sounds a charmer. Taking him back didn't make you a "strong woman" it made you an idiotic, controlling paranoid one.

He will fuck about again.

You will never trust him.

This isn't love or happiness.

End it and move on.

ConnectFourChamp Tue 14-Jan-14 19:13:32

This is horrible. Just call it a day. Life can't be any worse.

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 19:17:34

love this!!! i cant speak for people but i know why i carry on my 'relationship'....i have three children how adore their father, a father who adores them, a man who has since worked his arse off to better our lives (do i need to list the ways so inappropriate judgement can ensue), who works all the hours god can send to ensure we want for nothing and yes he comes home to a person who has taken care of three babies and is beyond tired and can snap and he has given me excellent reasons to take it out on him but shock horror the controlling bully doesn't do that. the controlling bully then moves in to taking care of him mode and we talk and laugh and enjoy each other as friends and partners.

but what the controlling bully also doesn't do is, go through his phone, demand to know where he is, scream at him for things that happened over a year ago, treat him like shit and so on and so forth. thr controlling bully tells him she loves him, because she does. by the sounds of all the insightful, fully informed opinions ive received i probably shouldn't tell him that and do all those things to fit the criteria of the bully i am. must up my game.

to all those that have since commented about the op (which wasn't about my relationship in its entirety btw) thanks, just wanted to make sure i wasn't being too controlling in thinking that was a bit odd.

Finola1step Tue 14-Jan-14 19:24:03

Yes the woman on fb three counties over is odd. But you know that don't you?

softlysoftly Tue 14-Jan-14 19:29:12

Yes op you are right your relationship is perfect.

Funny though if DH had a woman on his FB (if he had FB) I would assume she was a new friend or business contact. But then he's never destroyed my trust.

But no don't you worry the worry you feel totally part of a normal balanced relationship.

mrstigs Tue 14-Jan-14 19:31:41

Not to comment on the rest, but yes. Having this woman on fb is worthy of comment i suppose, due to his history. That said, he's hardly hiding the fact is he, what with him using that account openly to comment on your posts. Would he normally conduct his affairs so 'openly'?

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 19:34:55

well yes but i have male friends he doesn't know, that i have met through my previous work. quite a few he could ask for an explanation about if he was inclined. i just don't know wether i feel inclined to ask about her because we are in a place where i don't think it needs explaining or wether im inclined because of how he was.
would you ask about her?

jacks365 Tue 14-Jan-14 19:36:58

Woman on acc is obviously a fake profile most likely the woman he had the affair with. Please don't dismiss his behaviour, he's showing you the person he truly is as he has is the past, how many times does he have to prove he's a cheat and a liar before you believe him.

MandatoryMongoose Tue 14-Jan-14 19:37:11

Are you sure he is her only friend? Afaik you can set your privacy to only show mutual friends - so if you look at her profile from your account you'll only see people who are friends with you both (such as your husband's 2nd account).

If he's actually her only friend that would be very odd and I'd think it was a fake profile or possibly but less likely that it was a secret profile for her due to her not wanting someone to know about her friendship with your DH.

It doesn't matter much I think in terms of your relationship, you're obviously unhappy and don't trust him (with good reason if he has form). It's not a healthy place to be.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Tue 14-Jan-14 19:42:14

It's Jeremy Kyle you need not mn

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 19:50:12

exactly, everything else was very well hidden. it was his behaviour that made me think something was up, how he was in himself. men were having affairs long before technology and it was themselves who gave the game away and all that.
i suspect no foul play based on himself.

thanks softlysoftly , i can tell that from the snippet of information you have given away over the internet, about what goes on behind your closed doors, that you calling my relationship perfect is praise indeed, being in such a faultless one yourself. however i must correct you, i never said it was perfect, nor indeed faultless, maybe if i said we were in counselling for our issues then i would shatter the illusion that i think its fantastic and we are better than brad and ange, alas we are not. owing to time restrictions on day to day life we haven't the time for someone to tell us about our relationship and how to work even harder than we do daily on how to remedy it (and i have mumsnet for that anyway!), we talk about how to do it ourselves and i don't go screaming in like a bull in a china shop about my issues, i am careful with the words and way i speak to ensure i don't belittle ereything we have worked really fucking hard for. but one day i do strive to be able to pass fleeting hurtful 'opinion' like you can do yourself because the sun could one day shine out of our arses.....but then saying that sentence would e rude because i don't know you do i?!

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 19:56:04

i have thought of that account setting thing, another reason why i think i don't really need to ask. think i will though, then i know don't i smile

SparklyTwinkleGlitter Tue 14-Jan-14 20:47:05

Is there any point to your post?

WilsonFrickett Tue 14-Jan-14 20:56:42

Dear god woman you are equating 'being a strong woman' with soldiering on, holding it all together, prioritising your man, working it out. That's not strength, it's an Eastenders plot line.

Get rid. He's a cheat and you have allowed your mental picture of yourself and your relationship to calcify round the cracks in your marriage. Yes, trust can be rebuilt but that involves tremendous amounts of vulnerability. And screaming. And shouting. And learning to communicate. You both sound completely stuck where you were a year ago IMO.

insummeritrains Tue 14-Jan-14 20:56:45

What a fun, trusting relationship it sounds hmm

WilsonFrickett Tue 14-Jan-14 20:57:49

O put the same thing another way:
You took him back
Nothing has changed.
You are sitting on your anger
He is sitting on his impulse to cheat.

Sooner or later something's got to give....

ENormaSnob Tue 14-Jan-14 21:16:21

A strong woman would have got rid imo.

He might be cheating.
She might be a work friend.
He might have added her to bait you.
It may be any or all of the above.

It does seem odd and I'd just ask him.

MeepMeepVrooooom Tue 14-Jan-14 21:32:28

OK OP you know you can permanently delete a FB account? As in once it's gone it's gone. You have not "closed his account down" you have suspended it. I may be totally off base but it sounds like you were at the time (possibly still now) keeping this suspended and not fully deleted to catch him out. This doesn't sound like a trusting relationship.

I am of the opinion that relationships are built on trust, once the trust has been broken so is the relationship in my opinion. A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic, a functioning marriage with little trust is still a broken relationship... If one woman on a FB account can make you doubt this man then your marriage doesn't sound as solid as your subsequent posts would imply.

I am not doubting you are a strong woman in many aspects of your life but standing by your man isn't what makes a women strong. Standing up for yourself, what you believe in, having respect for yourself is what makes a woman strong.

Inertia Tue 14-Jan-14 21:37:24

You want for nothing- apart from a man who can remain faithful, sober and drug-free.

To be honest it probably is suspicious. But then a man who had a prolonged affair and 20 other attempts is not going to have his philandering foiled by a FB lockdown.

BrownSauceSandwich Tue 14-Jan-14 21:37:34

Well, he sounds like a real catch. And, frankly, so do you! hmm

You can't really be surprised that your policing of his mobile and online presence hasn't turned him into a reliable, trustworthy person? Cut your losses, work on your own insecurities, and aspire to a functional relationship with someone else, where nobody feels the need to read anybody else's text messages.

bellesbelle Tue 14-Jan-14 21:44:50

Instead of trying to be poirot, just say, 'hey dh, who's this?' Simples

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 21:51:01

I think I can safely say that I have never read such consistently acidly sarcastic and sour sounding posts from an op as this one. You sound very bitter.

drbonnieblossman Tue 14-Jan-14 22:05:28

this sounds like a bloody awful "relationship"'.

You're both playing games. You both need to grow up. And go your separate ways.

Holdthepage Tue 14-Jan-14 22:05:36

Just ask him outright OP. In view of his previous behaviour he can't object to you wanting to know who it is can he?

You don't sound controlling to me, you sound like someone who has been betrayed in the past & is now a bit suspicious. If he has nothing to hide he won't mind you asking about her.

Bloody hell, OP, you should leave him. This is like death by a thousand cuts. It's not healthy to be in a relationship with a man you hold in such obvious contempt. What's the bet your kids will pick up on this sooner or later?

Zucker Tue 14-Jan-14 22:20:28

Yeah on second thoughts it sounds like a perfect set up for him really.

glastocat Tue 14-Jan-14 22:29:19

In short

OP: my husband is a cock
Everyone else: yes he is,why do you bother?
OP: because he is great!
Everyone else: errr wtf?

Well, this is all a bit odd hmm

intheround Tue 14-Jan-14 22:45:59

Umm regardless of what a great father he is to your children, they will be picking up on every aspect of what is wrong with the relationship between you and your OH. Not the verbal stuff mind, it's all the non- verbal things. No matter how much you try to hide it, you can't.
And it will affect them. For life.

whattoWHO Tue 14-Jan-14 22:45:59

You don't sound happy.

bellasuewow Tue 14-Jan-14 22:52:33

Op are you not better than this this sounds miserable have you thought about leaving?

intheround Tue 14-Jan-14 22:54:21

Umm regardless of what a great father he is to your children, they will be picking up on every aspect of what is wrong with the relationship between you and your OH. Not the verbal stuff mind, it's all the non- verbal things. No matter how much you try to hide it, you can't.
And it will affect them. For life.

TheWitTank Tue 14-Jan-14 23:39:33

Okay then, well carry on your fucked up Facebook games and paranoia, it sounds wonderful. I don't really know what you wanted to hear? Good luck!

lookatmybutt Tue 14-Jan-14 23:40:55

Here, OP, have a biscuit:

[A biscuit]


msvenus Wed 15-Jan-14 02:15:37

What a healthy and positive lesson you are giving your dc on relationships.

Break the cycle and give all of you a positive start in 2014 by ending the relationship unless you are addicted to the drama.

I will issue my first ltb.

InfiniteJest Wed 15-Jan-14 05:12:49

Commenting purely on your OP, yes, it does seem weird. Yes, I would be asking him about it if I were you.

As to whether you should trust his answer or his actions, and whether your relationship is a good one... well, you didn't ask about that so I won't comment.

Good luck, OP.

LineRunner Wed 15-Jan-14 05:29:15

Yes, I would ask him.

Hissy Wed 15-Jan-14 06:38:14

Good god, this relationship sounds awful! You sounds so sad/angry.


Please don't put up with living like this. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

Greythorne Wed 15-Jan-14 06:58:36

You love him but describe him as a cock and know he has had multiple sexual experiences outside your relationship. He sleeps with prostitutes. He lies to you about FB. He is deceitful and unfaithful by your own admission.

You do know that trying to control him and his FB is never going to work, don't you?

If you are happy with him, stay.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Wed 15-Jan-14 07:08:12

It must be so tiring being on high alert all the time op. I've been where you are and the relief you feel when you stop caring what they do is awesome. Let him go.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 08:48:42

I must say I am with op with regards to asking about an incident, not her life based on what we see as a small shred (all be it not a very nice one) of her life. children complicate life, we all know that. flippant comments to leave are easier to type than do. maybe the relationship forum would have garnered more support, aibu is full of opinions, be them helpful or otherwise.

MBT1987 Wed 15-Jan-14 09:47:04

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm really worried about his pet bunny.

squeakytoy Wed 15-Jan-14 10:16:12

OP, your posts have to be the most passive aggressive I have ever seen on here. If this is how you speak to others in the real world then life must be very tiring.. For all concerned.

BeverleyMoss Wed 15-Jan-14 10:23:40

Wait, he has been an utter cock for 2.5 years of your 4 years together?

And during the 4 years and the miserable 2.5 years of it you gave had three children, and you think he's a wonderful father and partner?

No he really, really isn't.

fluffyraggies Wed 15-Jan-14 10:36:05

This is the info you have given us:

You've been with this man for 4 years. In this time he has managed:

''20 plus 'attempts' to cheat, 1 sustained affair ... a drug habit from over 10 years ago resurfacing, finishing work at 19:30 and returning home at 05:00 the next day (... more appealing than his child and pregnant gf ...) and ... a potential father of the local whores child.''

Then you tell us how wonderful he is ''now''.

You say you have had 3 babies with him.

You don't trust him and are watching him like a hawk to stay sane. Now you are suspicious of him again, but don't feel justified in bringing the subject up with him.

What would you advise a friend who told you the above OP? Honestly, honestly? Sometimes it's a helpful exercise to step back and imagine having to advise a friend.

TalkieToaster Wed 15-Jan-14 10:39:05

Why did you bother posting if you don't want other people's opinions?

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:01:16

Am I the only person who has seen a woman on here, obviously in a very vulnerable position, asking for some help and advice and is potentially being defensive owing to the flippancy and amount of unhelpful, slightly attacking, posts in reply?

honest, opinions that may be hard to hear are one thing; but is the best people can come up with, following a request for help and advice, to make comments referring to being a bully, going on Jeremy kyle and pet bunnies?! does the adage of "if you cant say anything nice...." not apply to mn?

I see a woman in an awful position. complicated to the extent that comments to 'just leave' are neither use nor ornament and women essentially mocking a person who has turned to strangers for some level of support. Just ask, is all that can really be said to the op. it is quite simple but then again op probably knew that. but she has sat on this info for a week and not flown in to a controlling rage or demanded and explanation and to rifle through phones. She has come on here wanting someone to say, "its ok, ask and you will find out" and maybe finish with "but know what you are going to do if you don't get the answer you want".

how many women have been on here in these situations and the next thread is "so I left him...." but then do the unhelpful bunch then stay silent and leave a girl stranded, take credit for the life changing decision or then offer support. But is she meant to go through the hard part alone, the actual leaving part. At times I think we give that evil Hopkins woman something to talk about.

Women turning to online support because she already has minimal in real life and then finds a gang waiting to offer none there. I have help from this forum but I can now see the other side following this post.

fluffyraggies Wed 15-Jan-14 11:09:33

nevereasy - i agree with you. But this is AIBU, not Relationships. Which is not known for it's gentle atmos!

I think OPs thread should be moved.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:12:16

and shall we follow the advice of fluffy and say if our friend was sat at our kitchen table and said:

"basically this has happened and this new thing has come up, what do I do?"

"go on Jeremy kyle!" or "stay away from his rabbit you nasty bully"

would that not being a step away from adding ..."I see why he did it."

come on we are better than this!!

harriet247 Wed 15-Jan-14 11:13:00

Ohhhh ffs ltb

WilsonFrickett Wed 15-Jan-14 11:16:40

If the friend at my kitchen table was as PA and stroppy as the OP's posts have been I would have answered her in exactly the same way as I posted. Can't speak for anyone else though.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:17:10

as I said previously that relationships might have had a softer approach but at the same time, just because it is in aibu does that mean you can turn bitchy and nothing short of vile and it have to be accepted. just food for thought. I hope no one has to go through what op has gone through and if they do I hope the can attain some better help from wherever they go to get it.

and I am not a 'hun' person or 'xx' before I get labelled as one of 'them' smile just have trouble believing in a sisterhood as it is and then these things happen and I just think if you believe something is going to enstill a negative reaction from you, atleast deliver it decently.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:21:34

if op is still following I would personally use Wilsons post as an honest, hard to hear answer. one I would deliver aswell. good luck.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 15-Jan-14 11:30:37

Agree with Fetchez and Wilson.

Saying that you keep the relationship because of the children is a bit of a misnomer, OP. You say he's an excellent dad... well he can carry on being that, can't he, whether he's with you or not? He seems to like his children well enough but sorry to say it, he doesn't like you from what you've posted.

You have utter contempt for him - and you may be very justified in that - but staying with somebody who treats you like this doesn't make you a strong woman. You're giving a horrid message to your children who will pick up on his behaviour - and yours - and model their own on both of you.

I don't think anybody here has said that you should put up with this behaviour but I think there are several posters here who think you're making a fool of yourself trying to control Facebook. Trust your husband, or leave him, but not this, for your childrens' sakes.

AbbeyBartlet Wed 15-Jan-14 12:05:18

Tbh, I would never give control of my FB account to anyone - it does seem like a controlling thing to do. As other posters have said, trust him and stay with him or split if you can't trust him. None of this sounds good for any of you.

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