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To not want to make any plans for next week?

(42 Posts)
Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:29:54

I'm starting Ivf next week -likely Monday but could be as early as this Friday I'm not 100% until my period starts.

I haven't made any plans with friends etc for next week and have as few commitments as possible because I don't know how I'll be feeling and when I will have to go to the hospital - probably at least twice.

Mil has just rung and announced that she and Bil and Sil want to come over to see ds on a specific day next week. Bil and sil don't know about the treatment starting and I'd rather they didn't to be honest as they aren't very tactful at the best of times. I've just explained that I don't really want to make any definite plans as I don't quite know what'll be happening. To be honest (and I'm sure everyone will tell me to get a grip) I'm finding the whole thing so overwhelming and worrying that it's all I can focus on, I just can't think about anything else at the moment.

Mil is quite put out however, incidentally this is the first time she has decided to come over since ds started school in September - usually we go to her. Bil and sil hardly ever come over, again we always go to them, so Im not sure why it suddenly has to be NOW.

Mil was huffy and said "well I don't know what excuse I will tell sil, I might have to tell her you're starting the treatment."

Now I feel all guilty and like I've upset mil and it's set me off crying again which I know is stupid.

Aibu to not want to make any plans? Just for a week or two?

NaturalBaby Tue 14-Jan-14 13:35:41

YANBU, doesn't sound like your MIL is very tactful either.
If she wants to be difficult then that's her problem, not yours.
You've said no so stick to it and just remind her - a simple 'sorry, we can't' should be enough for Bil and Sil.

Thatisall Tue 14-Jan-14 13:35:56

Yanbu. And it's crappy timing on their part to suddenly want to visit now, but they don't know that. You are being perfectly reasonable trying to create the most comfortable environment for yourself and your family next week, but if sil etc Re particularly put out by this, might they cause stress that you don't need? Perhaps your dp could speak to them and smooth things out?

Good luck OP, be kind to yourself during this process

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:40:24

I said that if we couldn't go ahead for any reason (got delayed last cycle as had an ovarian cyst but they think it will be gone this cycle) then I'd let her know and they could come over. But mil wasn't very happy with this as she wanted to know when I'd know - um when I've got my period and have been to the hospital!

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just mil as she knows about us starting the treatment but I don't really want to be having to deal with sil and bil, they are quite full on. If I've been to the hospital that day or Im feeling a bit shit I just don't want it. I might be fine but I just don't know.

Dogonabeanbag Tue 14-Jan-14 13:40:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dogonabeanbag Tue 14-Jan-14 13:42:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:42:59

No mil has already put my back up over the whole thing - we can finance three cycles ourselves. PIL are quite well off and did say that if we needed more they would help us out. However I have declined this offer because mil then commented that if we got pregnant from one of the cycles they'd helped finance she'd "want her money's worth" and expect to have the baby one day a week and over night twice a month hmm

So basically we will save like crazy during the first three cycles and if we decide to have any more then we will definitely be financing them ourselves!

Laura0806 Tue 14-Jan-14 13:43:21

Shes being unreasonable. Dont let it get to you. She should be making excuses and covering for you so you can relax as much as possible this week. Get your partner to deal with it and try to forget it . Good luck with it all

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:44:14

We haven't told anyone except our parents dog.

Do you mind me asking if the treatment was successful for you? I need morale!

fluffyraggies Tue 14-Jan-14 13:46:32

YANBU at all.

MIL can't understand the emotional roller-coaster if she's never been through hard core ttc herself.

Stick to your plan, OP. Get DH onside for a quiet word with her on the phone perhaps. If he could simply say 'look mum, next week is going to be a bit full on for us and we'd like to put visitors on hold', be she can't really argue.

Would she genuinely blab about your personal stuff to BIL & SIL just because she wants to be awkward? If so that's awful. And i would actually be very cross. If it's true and she might do that, then i'd get DH to address that in the phone call as well.

Best best best of luck with the IVF flowers

ENormaSnob Tue 14-Jan-14 13:46:57

Mils a nob.

Thatisall Tue 14-Jan-14 13:48:25

Oh OP she sounds full on too!! My friends recently had a baby through IVF, it took more that 3 cycles I'm afraid but everyone's different.

ViviPru Tue 14-Jan-14 13:48:33

if we got pregnant from one of the cycles they'd helped finance she'd "want her money's worth"

Just shock

Sod them all OP. Do what you need to do. YANBU.

betty10k Tue 14-Jan-14 13:48:38

YANBU. Tell her straight that this is important to you not to mention expensive and it's only 1 week you're asking for space for god's sake + you most definitely don't want her to share your business with them at the moment thank you very much. Don't let it get to you concentrate on yourself and positive thoughts. Good luck!

fluffyraggies Tue 14-Jan-14 13:48:44

she'd ''want her money's worth" and expect to have the baby one day a week and over night twice a month

Oh.dear.God hmm

Continue to decline the offer OP.

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:50:22

Mil is not the best at empathising. She generally decides what she wants and everyone else has to fit in with her. Always been the same unfortunately. I rang dh at work and gave him a head's up in case she rings him to complain. Which is likely.

She has already blabbed to them that we are having problems, but they don't know when we are starting treatment. Not yet anyway. They might soon apparently.

AlwaysDancing1234 Tue 14-Jan-14 13:50:51

YANBU but your MIL certainly is.
It's a very difficult time for you and I think you are being sensible by not planning anything next week as you won't know how you'll be feeling, emotionally or physically, especially as you are not close to SIL & BIL.
I think the "getting money's worth" thing from your MIL is really out of order, hopefully it won't come to that for you.
Will be thinking if you next week, it can be a long painful journey but try and think positive. Best wishes.

MeepMeepVrooooom Tue 14-Jan-14 13:53:36

Oh my, you MIL sounds like a bit of a loon. I would absolutely decline the money.

With regards to OP, YANBU. She can just tell them it doesn't suit you. Why does she need to give an elaborate reason? Also it is not her place to tell anyone that you are starting treatment.

Could you get DH to call her for you?

ShoeWhore Tue 14-Jan-14 13:53:46

She'd want her money's worth shock shock Bloody hell! I think her wanting to visit next week is the least of your worries.

I think your dh/p needs to have a word. He can tell MIL that the treatment may well make you feel under the weather and you will need to look after yourself to maximise your chances of it working. And you will be in touch when you feel up to visitors and she stops being so unbloodyreasonable

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:54:11

Thank you for the well wishes.

I'm also hoping to book some acupuncture sessions so I just don't know what I'll be doing and when. I will have to be back to fetch ds at 3 from school or dh will but if dh is fetching then obviously bil and sil will be asking where I am.
I just don't want the added stress to be honest!

I'm hoping it won't take more than 3 cycles, I read that after 3 cycles your chances of success start to fall so I'm hoping we will manage it in three but I know there are no guarantees.

fluffyraggies Tue 14-Jan-14 13:56:26

So this is your first round OP?

IF (and i'm sure it wont come to this) you have to go again, please please please don't tell her much about it at all. Just keep your ttc plans vague.

I cannot bare having my very personal issues judged and mulled over by people. Especially when it's so emotionally charged and i'm struggling with my own thoughts. And by 'people' that includes my parents and my ILs i'm afraid.

eurochick Tue 14-Jan-14 13:59:10

Your MIL sounds awful! The bit about getting her money's worth left me shock . Can your husband speak to her? She has no right to tell anyone else about your treatment.

Personally I generally enjoyed distractions when I was cycling but I understand that everyone is different. It is very difficult to plan anything when EC and ET are looming though. When EC falls depends on how quickly you react to the drugs, and there could be a window of about a week either way. And then ET could be anything from 2-6 days after this. So it wipes out a good chunk of time. I would have preferred to keep busy but planning to see friends was pretty much impossible around that time, so I was sort of forced into hibernation.

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 13:59:24

First round.

We have a ds conceived naturally so that is why we are having to finance these cycles.
I told my mom because I felt I needed some support but haven't told anyone else in my family and no friends. I don't want people asking me if I'm pregnant yet. It's just too hard.

BettyBoo246 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:07:49

YANBU your mil IS!
She sounds awful, put your foot down with her op, set a precedent before the baby arrives.
Her demands are insensitive, threatening to tell ppl of your private affairs is immature.
Do not let her make you feel guilty or upset in any way shape or form - you need to put you first smile

Scrounger Tue 14-Jan-14 14:08:33

Agree with fluffyraggies, I am quite private and would hate people to know my business. If she is pulling these stunts and being unsupportive she doesn't deserve to know anything in the future.

As for the comment about 'owning' a day and a sleepover. Words fail me.

Dogonabeanbag Tue 14-Jan-14 14:11:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dogonabeanbag Tue 14-Jan-14 14:13:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oscarwilde Tue 14-Jan-14 14:18:37

Email all three - apologise and say that next week is just not convenient. You can always say that DS has vaccinations scheduled and will be grumpy and sore. Suggest an alternate date. No further explanation.

Get your DH to talk to his mother not to blab your personal business to the world or there will no contact whatsoever.

Really Good luck. thanks

drbonnieblossman Tue 14-Jan-14 14:24:43

you need to go below radar whilst you undergo ivf, not just next week. emotions may be high and you needed to take good care and avoid situations.

pianodoodle Tue 14-Jan-14 14:31:10

What a nasty piece of work sad

She tries to blackmail you into having people over by hinting that if you don't she'll tell them about personal business you don't want disclosed.

She also can't offer help without suggesting if it works she's "bought" part of any resulting baby! Tell her it isn't a racehorse syndicate!

I hate people like this and wouldn't be beholden to someone with that attitude.

Make sure your DH tells her not to dare go blabbing your business. "It's not a convenient time" is all they need to know.

Really sorry for you having to put up with such nonsense sad

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 14:33:06

Thanks Piano. smile

Like a spy drbonnie?
That makes it a bit cooler! grin I do know what you mean though, essentially I feel like talking to no one!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 14-Jan-14 14:33:19

Something sounds odd.

Has she told them / does she want to tell them?

They hardly ever come round and then the same week you're due to start this, they all suddenly have this burning desire to come round to see you?

It doesn't smell right.

I think she's told them or she intends to 'accidentally' say something to you in front of them or something.

Trooperslane Tue 14-Jan-14 14:37:24

Cheeky cow. Not her news to tell.

We told no one. It's hellish op.

I hope it works for you this go.

X thanksbrew

Trooperslane Tue 14-Jan-14 14:40:48

Also yy to acupuncture and I can also recommend hypno fertility.

Be selfish op. This is so much more important than a family visit.

And it took us 4 goes but got there in the end.

DontmindifIdo Tue 14-Jan-14 14:47:04

For the future, I wouldn't go with "we might be able to it depends on my treatement" just say you have plans that week, and offer a day on teh following week. If it turns out you could do it later on and you want to, you can call and say "oh my plans have been cancelled, do you still want to do XYZ?" just decide that whole week is 'busy' - it's much easier for people to deal with hearing "no" than "maybe" in my experience.

'Maybe' makes them get difficult about you rearranging things and trying to force you to confirm, whereas 'no' is confirmation and they can then start planning dates you definately can do.

If your MIL is the sort of person who likes clear plans, then give her clear plans. Don't be vage or "ish" - yes or no. If you can't say yes, the answer is no. If you might not be able to do one week, then don't say that, say you can't do it and offer a date you definately can do.

JsOtherHalf Tue 14-Jan-14 14:58:32

Another recommendation for acupuncture. Also, you won't know until a day or 2 beforehand when the egg collection is going to be.

I had conscious sedation for the procedure. They then kept me in for a few hours afterwards. No way would I have been capable of anything else for a day or two.

(DS was as a result of my first cycle of IVF).

Best wishes.

flumposie Tue 14-Jan-14 16:22:38

Good luck with the treatment, my daughter is the result of one attempt at ivf when I was 37, get your husband to speak to your mil and get her to back off!

zzzzz Tue 14-Jan-14 16:35:54

Gosh your post took me right back. MIL is of course being awful. Fabricate D&V and tell them to stay away and that everything is on hold, visits/IVF everything, then proceed in private.

I found my first IVF cycle unbelievably difficult, we were extraordinarily lucky as I don't think I'd have tried again if it hadn't worked. Luckily it did, and I went on to have 3 more IVF (2 fet) babies.

Onelittlebugbear Tue 14-Jan-14 17:08:38

In what way difficult zzzz? Emotionally? I'm more worried about the physical side effects than anything else I think. Glad it worked out for you in the end.

I'm beginning to wish we hadn't told anyone, my own mother has rung me to tell me about a friend of a friend who has a daughter with cancer who was conceived through Ivf, my mom suggested the Ivf caused the cancer as the child was "unnatural." She then said wouldn't it be awful to go through all that only for the child to get cancer, I said yes, I was pretty sure it must be horrific to have a child with cancer whatever the circumstances of their conception. My mom said "but wouldn't you think it was your fault for pursuing a baby that shouldn't have existed?"

Great.

No one is allowed to speak for the next few weeks I have decided.

Good luck with your treatment. Dd1 is result of my only IVF cycle, at age 36. Hope for similar success for you.
I agree with other posters who advise that IF you need additional cycles to keep it between DH and yourself.

zzzzz Tue 14-Jan-14 17:34:27

Yes people trot out that crap a lot. Most of the people walking around wouldn't be here if we left things to "nature", the diabetics and the epileptics, anyone whose had surgery, sooooooooo unnatural. grin

I found it hideously emotionally draining, physically just yik.....it was horrid (for me, I know lots of people who were fine)....I'd do it again buck naked, on TV a hundred times over for just one of my little people.

The second time round when I had seen it work was much easier.

I give you permission to lie to your mother and MIL. Tell them it's been postponed. Honestly, who needs that crap? Also you are allowed to eat anything you like ALL THE TIME, I have organised it so there are no calories in anything for you for 3 weeks. wink

Good luck, sending you good vibes.

IVF aside, I consider inviting yourself over as rude. Asking someone if it is convenient to call round is one thing, telling them you are coming whether they like it or not is quite another.

"Mil was huffy and said "well I don't know what excuse I will tell sil, I might have to tell her you're starting the treatment." "
angry That's just blackmail, pure and simple. It's not her place to tell anyone; that's for you and your DH to decide. I don't think I like your MIL very much.

Good luck with your IVF.

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