My DP is a twat isn't he?

(46 Posts)
LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 17:24:18

Disclaimer - i love him really, but i am mighty pissed off

So DD has had lots of lovely christmas presents - too many really, especially as she decided she absolutely must hve a furby at the last minute and we were able to get one with club card points. She also got skylander swap force and other things. I honestly think she had way too much and she has presents that she hasn't even looked at. Thats the background.

DP announced last week that disney infinity was on sale - that he wanted to buy it with money that he got for christmas. Fine, his money, but i felt a bit guilty so i gave him £20 of mine - so half each. He comes home wiht disney infinity plus two characters at £10 each - so thats £60, less than a month after christmas.

Today we go shopping and DD asks for a further character - i said no. We can't afford all of this spend, we have had to fork out for a new tyre for the car, we need to replace two fence panels and life is expensive. OK so DP's work is going well, but we aren't well off enough for these things.

More importantly, he buys DD whatever she wants - she only has to flutter her eye lashes and do the little princess look and she has what she wants. This is not the message i want her to have - she doesn't appreciate anything because she never wants for anything, never has to wait for anything or save her pocket money for things. So its not a big deal to her - to me, disney infinity is major present material, so birthday or xmas - i wanted him to buy it and put it away for her birthday but no, he couldnt wait - to be fair, he plays it too. She hadn't even asked for it FFS.

Yes it was lovely when he hid it in the hall and asked DD to go fetch the shopping bag he forgot, and i heard her going up the stairs singing "i'm such a happy happy girl"

He is a twat isn't it?

or am i a miserable old grinch?

FaerieBells Sun 12-Jan-14 17:27:58

Dunno. What is a 'Disney Infinity'? (What is a 'Skylander Swap Force', come to that?).

How old is your daughter? I hate to say it but yes, she does sound a bit spoilt ('she decided she absolutely must have a furby at the last minute').

Sounds like you're peeling away a lot of tenners to buy a load of crap toys that may be over-hyped and actually quite worthless.

PiperChapman Sun 12-Jan-14 17:28:09

unfortunately I know lots of.background stuff on your husband ( based on previous threads of yours) so I find it impossible to.view this in isolation.

but yes I think he's a twat. and unpleasant in.general to you

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 12-Jan-14 17:28:16

A bit misguided yes, but i really wouldn't agree hes a twat based on the information you've given

SecretNutellaFix Sun 12-Jan-14 17:29:31

He's certainly not doing your dd any favours, and if it is affecting the ability as a family to meet other monetary needs ( repairs, living costs) then yes he is being a bit of a nobber.

Does he have a full idea of the household budget and accounts? Has he seen it set down on paper, and understand what has to be met first before splurging on treats?

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 17:29:43

I think you are being sensible. She has just had lots and lots of new presents, not all of which she has played with. He could have bought her the Disney thing and kept it until her birthday.

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:07

What is it? .some sort of game?
Computer game?

If you can't afford it then yes he's a Pratt esp this close to Christmas if she's got stuff she's not even looked at

Joysmum Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:21

I have the same battle with my DH. He does it because he wants to spend more time with our DD and feels guilty.

rainbowfeet Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:29

He is too soft yes but I was married to a tight arse who counted every penny... That's worse!!! hmm

He is still as bad now.. He gave dd £40 for her last birthday.. She was 10.

Neitheronethingortheother Sun 12-Jan-14 17:33:08

Whats wrong with £40 for a 10 year old?

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sun 12-Jan-14 17:34:57

Forty quid sounds quite good to me

TwatWeevil Sun 12-Jan-14 17:35:14

My DH is a softie too. He was all set to go out and buy a new bike for DD yesterday "because she needs one". I had to point out that it's only a couple of weeks since Christmas, and we agreed to compromise on looking out for one on eBay, which we will put away for a couple of months.

As a PP has said, he does it because he doesn't spend as much time with her as he would like, due to work, and wants to compensate for that.

TidyDancer Sun 12-Jan-14 17:35:38

Rainbowfeet - what's wrong with giving a child £40? Unless you mean it's too much?

OP I think you need to have a chat with your DP and agree what you're going to do in future. This is not really the kind of thing you can each have your own strategy with.

rainbowfeet Sun 12-Jan-14 17:36:51

£40 from her high earning father is not enough in my opinion... Wouldn't even buy her a decent pair of trainers!! shock

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 17:36:53

Rainbow - £40 sounds entirely appropriate for a 10 year old to me. What do you think it wrong with that? Presumably you bought her presents/gave her money too?

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 17:37:05

£40 is a fortune to a 10 year old!

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 17:37:29

But £80 from her parents as a combined sum, is a lot of money.

TidyDancer Sun 12-Jan-14 17:38:13

Bloody hell. You did mean it wasn't enough! That's absolutely plenty for a child. How much did you expect?!

SecretNutellaFix Sun 12-Jan-14 17:38:39

Not to a 10 year old who it appears only has to click her fingers at Daddy and gets what she wants.

SecretNutellaFix Sun 12-Jan-14 17:39:38

BTW, I am in my 30's.

£40 is a lot of money to me for a present!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-Jan-14 17:42:20

I just had to look at your user name to answer that question, haven't read your post but YES

frugalfuzzpig Sun 12-Jan-14 17:44:14

Yes he's being daft. Disney infinity is definitely birthday/Xmas present material, unless perhaps you're rolling in it (if only, eh?)

Yes it's a computer game for those who are wondering! I kind of want it but will wait for next Xmas I think

rainbowfeet Sun 12-Jan-14 17:46:48

Sorry to hijack... We are separated .. I bought her a phone, took her out shopping gave her £50 to spend, had lunch & had her hair cut & blow dried & nails done on our girlie day!! grin

His income is probably 4 x's mine he also said he would take her on the London eye.. Thank never happened!!

We all have different parenting views mine is to give as much as I can without getting into debt so she can be as equal as possible to her peers. She is by no means spoilt (I can't afford to do that) but if I am able to get her the same stuff that her friends have. & wear then I will ... It makes me happygrin

frugalfuzzpig Sun 12-Jan-14 17:47:31

I think year-round buying stuff at the whim of DD is more likely to turn her into a spoilt child than a lot of Xmas presents.

A DI figure is the ideal item for her to start putting pocket money towards, if she wants another one...

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 17:56:05

Rainbow - like you say - we all have different parenting views. I think that £40 from him, plus approximately £150? from you, is more than enough for any child. In fact, I'd say that nearly £200 is quite excessive, and certainly more than I would spend. We have the means to afford that amount, but I just think it's un-necessary.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 17:59:14

Bloody hell - can't even post a light-hearted thread about him spoiling DD without people raking over the past. You must have long memories. Yes DP and I had our issues and we had some serious issues with money. Thankfully we are in a good position now but i still think it was a waste of money - and we can afford to repair the fence, thanks all the same. Piper - i am actually a little bit hurt by your comment sad

I honestly don't know why he does it - spoiling her, he certainly isn't making up for not spending enough time with her, he is very hands on as a dad. They have a lovely relationship, but he is making a very big rod for his own back being too soft and i don't like having to be bad cop.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 17:59:41

No, YANBU. Presents are for Christmas and birthdays only, and f your DD wants anything else in between those times she can save her pocket money for it. The next thing she says she wants, I would sit down with her and work out how long it will take her to save for it.

As for the 40 pounds for a 10 year old, I don't see what's wrong with that. If there was something they specifically wanted, I'd spend more, but if they just wanted money and had nothing specific in mind then that sounds fair enough to me.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jan-14 17:59:53

We all have different parenting views mine is to give as much as I can without getting into debt More fool you!

Your ex doesnt agree with your view, and he doesnt have to. He can choose to give her what he wants, its nothing to do with you anymore. Personally I think spaffing the amount of money you spent is ridiculous on a 10 year old, but its your money, your choice. His money, his choice.

Just because he isnt doing it your way, doesnt mean he is doing it wrong. And who cant get a decent pair of trainers for £40? Or do you actually mean "fashion" trainers that are bugger all use but have an expensive label on them?

moogy1a Sun 12-Jan-14 18:02:24

My DC got £25 each from my wealthy parents. Never occurred to me that wasn't enough. Should I go and demand more money?

Ditavontitty Sun 12-Jan-14 18:08:27

You can't get a decent pair of trainers for £40? My arse-I know you are no the op but you do realise you are setting your child up to be a spoilt little madam don't you?

Any of my dcs would be over the moon to receive £40-its a lot of money for a child.

Addressing the op-I don't think you are annoyed at your dp at all-I think you just wanted to stealth boast about what your dd got for xmas.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 18:23:12

Dp's attitude is - if ive got the money you can have it. That counts for me and dd. I wont spend anything due to the trouble we were in financially and he never buys himself anything. I just want dd to appreciate things because she is spoilt and I dont consider this to be a good thing.

rainbowfeet Sun 12-Jan-14 18:23:20

Yes, of course I meant fashionable trainers... These are a treat & bought as part of a birthday or Christmas list... To play out in she has Primark plimsoles .. Maybe it's the area I live in (or did til recently) but there are girls her age in real uggs & crystallised converse now that's anything from £75 to £180 total ridiculous !! Before you judge me & brand my dd a spoilt brat .. She doesn't ask for these things & is not really brand conscious anyway like I say I buy them if I can because they are nice... But I'm equally happy to accept hand me downs.
And no her Dad isn't sensible he is tight!!!! wink

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 18:28:54

No stealth boasting from me dita but you are entitled to your opinion. Dp didn't buy any of dd's xmas presents as I bought them eith a tax rebate. Quite happy to boast that we did bloody well on bargains and club card vouchers and as a consequence I bought too much. But when it came to it I felt there was too much. Maybe thats why he bought the infinity. He wanted to get it for xmas but I had bought the skylander that turned out to be shit

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 18:33:45

No stealth boasting from me dita but you are entitled to your opinion. Dp didn't buy any of dd's xmas presents as I bought them eith a tax rebate. Quite happy to boast that we did bloody well on bargains and club card vouchers and as a consequence I bought too much. But when it came to it I felt there was too much. Maybe thats why he bought the infinity. He wanted to get it for xmas but I had bought the skylander that turned out to be shit

Clutterbugsmum Sun 12-Jan-14 18:53:35

LEM

Perhaps if she doesn't like the Skylander bit's she got for christmas she/you could sell them and use the money to buy the Disney bit's she wants.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 18:58:17

Clutter, that makes perfect sense, but DD would have a meltdown - Its a different issue but DD has problems with parting with things, she gets emotionally attached to EVERYTHING, and i mean everything - we had an hour of sobbing once when i asked DP to change her lightbulb in front of her once - "its the only lightbulb i've ever loved" hmmgrin Bless her - im hoping she grows out of this one! If i want to get shot of things she has grown out of (even clothes) i have to sneak them off to the charity shop.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 18:59:34

Was really pissed off with the swap force though - we got her GM to buy her a set of characters for it and you can't even swap them hmm I definately wouldn't recommend that!

rookiemater Sun 12-Jan-14 19:00:09

I have the same issue with DH - not so much now as all DS wants is to play on the i-pad, which whilst unhealthy, does at least have the benefit of being free.

I don't think DH had many toys when he was a child and is just trying to make sure that DS is not deprived ( DS is as far from being deprived as possible!)

I do a periodic clear out with DS and try to sell off anything that he doesn't like or has fallen out of favour on gum tree, then DS gets the money to spend on something else.

Sorry I don't mean to dredge up past posts, but I know that your income can be sporadic, so I agree with you that budgeting should be important in your household. Do you talk through the family budget each month ? < pot/kettle btw as we are currently facing a gaping hole through overspend at Christmas and my overenthusiastic holiday provisioning>. Perhaps if you and your DP had an agreed extra expenses amount then he would buy within it? I dunno tbh, I guess at the end of the day it's better being with someone who is overgenerous ( provided it doesn't get you into debt) than an oul blue meanie.

rookiemater Sun 12-Jan-14 19:01:44

Sorry x-posted on the attachment to things - I think your DD may have to learn that money doesn't come on trees. Second hand children's clothes and games can get decent money.

frugalfuzzpig Sun 12-Jan-14 19:07:22

FWIW LEM DH and I have pocket money - it's £20pcm each but obviously depends on your general income. All stuff like games, DVDs etc have to be bought out of that. Works well for us.

rookiemater Sun 12-Jan-14 19:11:29

Frugalfuzzpig - we have our own pocket money as well, it's a wee bit more than £20pcm, but I will probably be flamed if I state the amount so I shan't bother.

Difficulty is that stuff for DS is a grey area as it's not treats for ones self.

frugalfuzzpig Sun 12-Jan-14 19:28:30

You wouldn't get flamed by me anyway grin it's all relative - our income is very low but I've no doubt if we are wealthier someday then it'll increase and I'll finally make a more significant dent in my DVD/board game wishlists grin

We did often buy little bits now and again throughout the year for DCs but have agreed not to do this anymore as even though they were small things (things like charity shop board games) it was still adding up to a lot (for us) and they were getting rather accustomed to new things to play with. So now if we want to treat the DCs to a DVD it'll come out of our pocket money (we all like animated stuff anyway so it's no skin off our nose frankly grin) DD might start getting her own pocket money this summer (when she turns 7)

Sorry went off topic there!

Iwannalaylikethisforever Sun 12-Jan-14 20:49:59

I sense some "moasting" op.
I was with you until the list of who bought what at Christmas, don't you buy together, from mum and dad?

* moasting
Moan - boasting

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 21:22:15

normally he buys iwanna, but i had a tax rebate that i kept back for the purpose of paying for christmas. He was busy working and didn't get time to do any present shopping this year so it was all me. So the presents were from both of us, of course they were.

I like the term *moasting" though smile I think you are right, there was a small element of that there, but not for the reason you might think - mostly, not moastly, because i got some fantastic bargains from argos 3 for 2 as everything i bought on that (three items of course) was half price to start with and then three for two so was bargaintastic, and the furby and the swapforce effectively free due to clubcard vouchers double points - i was a leeeetle bit smug about that yes, apologies. He had passed comment that he felt he left christmas all to me this year - he did, i didn't mind. but that not really the issue, the issue is he just cannot say no to dd. I know he loves her lots and millions and wants her to be happy but buying her everything (when he can, we can't always afford it to be fair) is not the way to do it.

PiperChapman Sun 12-Jan-14 23:09:34

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and I don't have a particularly good memory. But I've read countless threads about your DH and can't help but form the opinion that's he's just awful.

Sorry. I base this opinion firmly on what you yourself have said about him

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Sun 12-Jan-14 23:18:02

If you/he can afford it then I don't see it as too much of a problem.I suppose it depends if you consult him and ask his permission before you buy anything for her? If you don't then I don't think it's fair to expect him to follow your 'rules' about it

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