Is this wrong? Regarding putting ds on the organ donor list.

(100 Posts)
TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 09:31:20

I've been on the list for a while but I recently signed ds up for it. I wasn't sure if I could do this at first but I looked into it and it was fine. When I said to ds dad he said it was wrong as ds had no choice in it. He was pretty annoyed. Ds is 2.5. I'm also sure my mum put me on the list when I was little, I vaguely remember having a card.

Obviously ds didn't make this choice but if, god forbid, anything was to happen to my ds I would rather another child could benefit and hopefully get out of the horrendous situation they are facing.

I know this is a bit morbid but I'm a student nurse so it's something that I've had to think about iykwim.

PicardyThird Sun 12-Jan-14 09:35:10

Hard one. I would say it's not wrong, for the reason you give, with the caveat that, as soon as your ds is old enough to understand and make the choice for himself, you discuss it with him and give him the opportunity to be taken off the register.

ReputableBiscuit Sun 12-Jan-14 09:39:34

I'd say that, while DS is too young to make his own mind up, his father should get a right of veto. Organ donation is wonderful and I'm all for it, but expecting a bereft parent who can't reconcile themselves to it, to just put up with it because you're in favour could increase that person's heartache in the mercifully unlikely event that your DS died.

In practice, I think the clinicians would seek the consent of both parents anyway?

cuddlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 09:43:00

I think everyone, including children, should be on the donor list unless they expressly withdraw their consent. Then surely bereft parents wouldn't need to be asked about it.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sun 12-Jan-14 09:43:24

Both parents need to agree to organ donation, but if all children too young to give consent were excluded from donating organs there would be no hope for those young children awaiting transplants.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 12-Jan-14 09:45:37

I think this is something both parents need to agree on

lunar1 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:46:49

Would your dh also refuse an organ if ds needed one? After all ds would be too young to understand that as well.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 12-Jan-14 09:47:07

Question is, would you accept an organ for your Ds?

If the answers yes then I do agree that it would he the right thing to do. As long as when he's older he gets the choice.

God forbid anything does happen but if it does he won't need them and you would be sparing other parents the same tragedy.

Thank you for this thread, it's reminded me that I should talk to dp about our children and the list. I'm already on it.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 09:48:38

We're not together any more, sorry I didn't make that clear. I'll try and present my argument to him again at next pick up/drop off. He understood when I explained to him about why I had done this, it was the fact that ds hadn't consented to it he had a problem with.

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 12-Jan-14 09:49:29

the surgery we signed up with seem to have automatically signed my dcs up. I must admit it makes me feel weird, and scared in a tempting fate sort of way.

my rational mind realises that through a tragedy could come some light but in the back of my brain a voice is screaming NOT MY BABIES... and a sinister voice is saying that perhaps a doctor wouldnt tryy so hard to save them?! I recognise how utterly loopy that is.

JodieGarberJacob Sun 12-Jan-14 09:49:51

What lunar said.

I really think it should be opt out then anyone who is strongly against it would have to actively do something instead of the other way round.

Sirzy Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:54

Both parents should agree to anything as major as that. Ultimately if heaven forbid anything happened I would imagine both of you would need to consent anyway assuming you have parental respoponsibility

fishybits Sun 12-Jan-14 09:51:37

DH and I both hold donor cards. Having discussed it, DD (2) has one for now but we'll talk about it with her when she's old enough to understand about organ donation and will respect decision she makes regarding her body.

Doctors try to save everybody. Organ donation means something helpful and life changing come from terrible tragedy. The op has made the right choice ad yes it would be good if her ex could agree with it.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 09:52:51

In practice, someone that young won't be carrying an actual card (unless you want it lost, scrumpled, drawn on etc).

But yes, put him on the register, as a statement of general intent. It'll be checked before action is taken if there are ever circumstances in which it is under active consideration.

And yes, talk to your DH (and anyone else who will listen) about the importance of donors. I've carried a card since I was 13, having been touched by the story of just one patient in need of transplant.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 09:56:32

Doesn't matter whether he's officially 'on the list' or not.

You can be on the list, but if your next of kin says, "nope sorry, I don't want to donate DH/DW's organs", then it's not happening.

God forbid, but if something did happen, consent from both parents would be required.

Lioninthesun Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:36

I keep meaning to do this for DD - thank you for reminding me. Although I assume they would ask the parents if the child is under 18 and anything happened?

I think it is a bit like everything else parent's choose for their children. Until they are 18 you have the rights and they may not understand all of the arguments. Just as much as you may choose to teach them Mandarin rather than French for their future; it may affect their life, but it also may not.

broccolirocks Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:43

I put both my children on the donor list when they were tiny, niw they're older have talked (sensitively) to them and they agree with it. There are lots of things children don't have a choice in - food, clothes, bedtime for a start. Does ds' dad feel uncomfortable about it, bit like 'tempting fate'?

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 12-Jan-14 10:01:25

All mine were on from birth. I preferred to just do it rather than tempt fate by agonising later on. But then I think the system should probably be "opt-out" rather than "opt-in" so that's effectively what I've created for my family.

And yes DH would be able to veto if the question actually ever came up.

SuburbanRhonda Sun 12-Jan-14 10:01:53

Do both parents need to consent in the event their child needed a life-saving transplant?

If one parent couldn't be contacted to request consent, would that mean the child would not be given life-saving surgery?

I remember a similar thread about whether organ donation should be opt-in or opt-out and was shocked at how many posters had no problem with the principal of accepting a donated organ for themselves or a loved one, but flatly refused to sign themselves up sad.

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 12-Jan-14 10:04:06

as always MN makes me feel better. I am on the list as are dcs and DH, and I would gratefully accept an organ for any of us if god forbid it was needed.

I still cant say Its something I think too much on but in the situation I would give consent. strangely I feel more at peace with giving mine away that theirs? perhaps this is because the idea of them dying is absolutely something I cant handle

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 10:06:52

Nope, he doesn't think it's tempting fate. He totally understood what I was saying about wanting someone else to benefit. I'm sure he is on the register himself. It was purely the fact that ds didn't consent himself that he has a problem with.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 10:08:52

When there are differences between parents about serious treatment, then the matter will end up in Court.

When there is a difference over being the donor, then the donation won't proceed. No-one is forced to be altruistic.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sun 12-Jan-14 10:10:03

In practice, if anything did happen that rendered an individual brain dead and suitable for organ donation, the family's consent would be obtained regardless of wether the individual was on the register or not.
The organ donor register is useful because it lets the next of kin know what the individuals thoughts were, which may help them make a decision as in 'it's what he would have wanted'. It also gets people thinking about it before the event (which hopefully never happens).

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 12-Jan-14 10:10:08

Does he understand that your Ds won't be able to consent for any medical procedure until 18. So that idea kind of goes out the window if he has ever undergone any medical treatment.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 10:11:15

It's not something I've thought about a lot either. It's just because of my course. I'm training to be an adult nurse so have seen adults waiting for much needed transplants but child issues have been mentioned in lectures and it got me thinking about what I would do.

MikeLitoris Sun 12-Jan-14 10:12:42

In Wales it will soon be that you need to opt out rather than opt in.

I have myself and my dc on the register and my older two are happy to be on there. I will have the same conversation with my youngest when the time comes and will respect her decision.

Both the older two want to give blood and be on the bone marrow register as soon as they are old enough too.

I think its a shame that more people dont have these discussions with their children. I never knew much about any of this stuff until I was well into my twenties.

SilverApples Sun 12-Jan-14 10:17:06

Both my children were on the organ donor list from being very small, but OH agreed. I've seen so much good done for children who've received a transplant, and the pain of waiting for one that never turns up.
They both remade that decision when they were old enough to choose, and both are still on the list.
What a brave decision to make OP, when the idea of losing him for any reason is almost unthinkable.

This came up in casual conversation the other day and DD2(12) looked at me when I said her and DD1's names have always been scribbled on my donor card too.

I guess at 12&15 it's time it was their choice.

Always been a total no brainer to me that our bodies may as well be useful after death. Also I have a DF who teeters on the edge of the corneal transplant list depending on how her congenital eye condition is behaving this week.

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 10:17:36

Your son wouldn't be able to consent to receiving an organ either. So ask your Ex if he would refuse to consent to life saving surgery on your sons behalf.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 10:35:25

If your DS wasn't on the list and the unthinkable happened and it was a question you were both asked by a medical team - would your exp refuse on the basis that your ds couldn't consent?

Fact is, the situation where this needs answers is not going to be one that allows for consent from the donor. The call is going to be yours while you are next of kin. As your ds gets older he may express a desire to have no part of it at all, and that should be respected, but at his age you make that decision for him.

Does your ex accept that at the moment explaining donation to a 2.5yr old in order to gain consent is either impossible or potentially upsetting?

If you are both in favour of donation then I don't see the problem in making that choice on behalf of your children until their old enough to express their own views like you do with all their medical care.

Your ds didn't get a choice in what vaccines he had, or when he gets given Calpol, or when he needs to brush his teeth. You do that because he's too young to comprehend the risks and issues and you make the decisions you feel are in his best interests, and particularly with vaccines, wider society.

Getting worked up about consent from a 2.5 yr old about issues beyond their comprehension is silly. I suspect it's a deeper knee jerk reaction to the thought that what the circumstances would have to be for it to be relevant and what would happen.

The rather flimsy 'consent' issue is a way of trying to verbalise it when he doesn't know how imho.

WooWooOwl Sun 12-Jan-14 10:35:35

I can see where your ex is coming from, and I don't think this is a decision with a right or wrong answer, it's one of those personal things where all opinions are valid.

If your ex is a supportive and involved father, I think you were wrong to put your child's name on the register without his consent. His say is as important as yours as long as the child is still too young to make an informed decision himself.

It's good that you are going to discuss it with him again, but if he can't be persuaded easily, then you have to respect his choice.

TeacupDrama Sun 12-Jan-14 10:36:07

in the case of living saving surgery they will go ahead, like a major RTA they will start treating unconscious patient without waiting for any relative next of kin etc, however if non living treatening immediately if parents disapgree it will go to court like the wee boy Neon with cancer when his mum did not want treatment to go ahead

if DS father has parental responsibility he can veto organ donation, if he feels that you should wait until DS is old enough to consent then that is what will happen

PS the age of consent for medical treatment is generally 16 not 18

TeacupDrama Sun 12-Jan-14 10:38:22

I think some people would see this more in the same light as not circumcising/ christening a baby but waiting until old enough todecide for themselves, other believe deciding to christen child etc is perfectly valid so both points of view are valid points of view

bedhaven Sun 12-Jan-14 10:42:23

I think it's really sensible to think and talk about your wishes now rather than at a very emotional time. You've just prompted me to talk to my DH about my wish for every scrap of me to be given to help others. Of course I hope that all my family die of old age but if that isn't the case I would also want something good to come of it.

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 10:49:31

In practice, Heaven forbid your son should die, but before his organs were donated the authorities would consult all relatives and simply would not act against their wishes. So boy's father has nothing to worry about.

Good idea, am too organised to do this for DC but would if it were easy.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 10:57:07

If, god forbid, anything did happen and I gave my consent and exDp did not would they go with exDp? ExDp is involved with ds but Ds is with me most of the time. It really is just the consent thing, I don't think there's any deeper meaning in what exDp says other than to just disagree with me.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 10:58:36

Just to clarify, when I was talking about being next of kin, I was referring to both you and your ex.

In the theoretical circumstance it may be a choice he has to make (along with you) with no idea what his son would opt to do.

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 11:00:16

From everything I've ever been told about the organ donation process:
They would go with your ex-DP if he objected; in practice they simply won't allow donation if any of the close relatives object. They reckon those people are grieving and they won't do anything to add to the grief.*

Am happy to be corrected, but not many experts out there to comment, I imagine.

*you could argue that it might mitigate your grief to allow donation, but they will weigh it up as likely to impact the objector more.

SuburbanRhonda Sun 12-Jan-14 11:00:36

Does he have any problem with any of the other million-and-one decisions we make for our DCs that they are too young to consent to, or is it just this one?

In which case, it isn't consent that's the issue, is it?

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 11:01:13

Not in anyway qualified to answer, but I think in they would need a yes from both parents to proceed with a donation, so one parent refusing would probably mean it wouldn't go ahead.

SuburbanRhonda Sun 12-Jan-14 11:02:13

Sorry, X posted with sparkly

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 12-Jan-14 11:02:17

My motto on organ donation if you are happy to have one you should be happy to give one.

If my child was in need of a new heart I would 100% want it to save his/her life.

Pooka Sun 12-Jan-14 11:03:03

My dcs are all on the register. I know, god forbid, that dh would agree with me. We've discussed it. It's a no brainer for us (understand that it's our perspective and that doesn't suggest that I think others are wrong for not making the same decision).

WishUponAStar88 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:10:47

I work with critically ill children who at times go on to donate organs. If god forbid you lost your little one OP the card would, in reality, have little bearing on the outcome to donate or not. What would count would be the feelings of yourself and the child's father at that time. If you are both named on the birth certificate you both have equal consent, therefore your decision does not automatically supercede his and vice versa (unless you have been to court to rule otherwise). You would need to agree should the time come before a decision is made and time is given for this where possible.
To add, many people change their mind about donating children's organs when the time come. Some that had never thought about it or never wanted to end up really wanting to donate. Others that very much wanted to donate change their minds when they think about their child having to go to surgery again and having a very limited (if amy) time to say goodbye after once life support is stopped.
Organ donation is truely amazing and it is very brave of you to be thinking about this fir your little one but I wouldn't worry about disagreement of opinion as many minds are changed when the worst happens.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:14:38

I have had experience of working with children needing transplants. In one case a baby needed a new liver but parents refused due to being Jehovas Witnesses. As a result the case was taken to Court and parental responsibility was removed with regards to this decision and the transplant went ahead. Doctors cannot just allow children to die because of their parents beliefs - if doctors genuinely believe the treatment can save the child's life then I imagine legal action can and will be taken.

The amount of children needing transplants is heartbreaking and unfortunately in most cases of young children their bodies cannot house adult organs so their lives can only be saved if an organ is donated from another child gas died - very sad sad

As has been said, if you'd be happy to accept an organ then you should be happy to donate.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 11:18:18

I don't ask him his opinion on the smaller decisions regarding ds. It's only bigger ones like which nursery etc. He does generally disregard my views as bullshit for the sake of it. He has admitted this in a rare moment of honesty after he had done 'some thinking about his behaviour'.

The conversation went like this

Me: I have signed ds up to the donation register
Him: well I don't think he should be
Me: would you not want someone else to benefit if anything bad were to happen?
Himgrinf course I would but ds didn't decide for himself so it's not fair.
Me: he's 2, he's not going to understand.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 11:18:45

I have no idea how that smiley face got in there.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 11:21:38

I really don't mean to sound bitchy about exDp either.

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 11:25:12

Wow, I can't believe that case didn't get splashed all over the tabloids, Writer.

I think you should maybe have told him before you signed him up, to avoid such confrontation.
I agree with asking if he would consent to your DS receiving a transplant, if required.

You reminded me to talk to DS tonight, he's 16 now so needs to join the register in his own right now.

DH and I are both on the list, and I've just pledged to donate my brain to the Brain Bank for Autism.

DD isn't on the list as I'd prefer that she do it herself - but in the horrible situation that I needed to make a decision I know in my heart that I'd agree to donation.

WooWooOwl Sun 12-Jan-14 11:32:48

If the worst should happen, they wouldn't transplant a child's organs if one of the parents doesn't consent to it. And rightly so.

I haven't signed either of my DCs up as I know they'd have to ask DH and I and we'd say 'Yes' in a blink of an eye.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 11:36:01

You're right, I should have told him before I signed him up but it really did seem like a no brainer to me. I'm aware it wasn't exactly a high drama situation.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:46:52

lljk - it probably goes on more than we realise. I imagine there are a lot of medical scenarios where doctors can overrule parents (with legal back up) if they do not feel the parents are acting in the child's best interests. If the child involved has been a lot older and could offer their opinion and convinced the doctors they themselves didn't want the transplant then I guess things might have been different. But could the doctors really just let a 6 month old baby needlessly die because of her parents religious beliefs? Consent in paediatrics is a minefield.

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 11:49:51

oh wait, was the recipient child the one whose parents were JW, or the donor child? I thought you meant that the donor child had the JW parents. The former scenario isn't uncommon, but the latter would be news headlines.

BrianTheMole Sun 12-Jan-14 11:51:23

Everyone that would accept organs should be on the register to donate.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:52:17

grin Definitely got our wires crossed then grin

Yes, the JW parents were those of the child who needed the organ.

You're right though, can you imagine if the opposite scenario had happened, lol, bloody hell that would definitely make the tabloids and World News grin

CaffeinatedKitten Sun 12-Jan-14 11:53:54

I signed my tribe up. Fully agree it should be an opt out system. I forgot to tell my ex for a while, butbwhem I remembered he said he'd assumed it would have been done, and he was ok with it. My eldest knows she is on the register and has no plans to remover herself. She can't wait to give blood either. The others will be told and given heir choice as they become aware and mature enougj for the decision.

I hope the Welsh change to opt-out goes well and becomes a nationwide policy. So many people die needlesslysad

CaffeinatedKitten Sun 12-Jan-14 11:54:55

Please forgive my typos. Cold fingers and distractions!

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 11:57:55

Part about this thread that confuses me is that we know of other children who died suddenly in last 10 yrs whose parents were told that their organs would not be suitable for donation, which did nothing to alleviate the pain, iyswim. I suppose there must have been other reasons in those individual cases, but I half wonder how suitable most children's organs are for donation.

ShadowFall Sun 12-Jan-14 12:11:21

I think this is something that both parents need to agree on. And I agree it's a good idea to talk about how you feel about this issue.

Also, I may be wrong here, but I thought that relatives were asked about organ donation regardless of whether or not the register was signed?

WishUponAStar88 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:31:29

There are regularly court cases like this, very stressful for all involved especially with a poorly child. Very few get to the tabloids unless someone decides to tell/ sell their story to the press. Much more dignity for the child if stories can be kept out of the public eye.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sun 12-Jan-14 12:32:33

I don't think relatives should be allowed to over-rule an adult's choice to donate. I'm on the register, I would be happy for any of my organs to help others. What's the point of taking something useful to the grave? I'm NC with most of my family and they should have zero say in the decision.

Sorry, bit of a rant!

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:43:43

Why does anyone object to organ donation? I don't see what would be wrong with making it opt out rather than opt in.

RedHelenB Sun 12-Jan-14 12:51:36

Wish upon a star makes a good point about having less time to say goodbye if life support were switched off - that could affect your ex if he needs longer to get to hospital. In principle I would want to donate but I don't agree with opting out.

RedHelenB Sun 12-Jan-14 12:53:39

And if we did change to that system would opt out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 12:54:12

Good for you, OP. There are too many people who would never put their child on the organ donation registry but would expect an organ to be found for their own child if needed. So very selfish of them - and unselfish of you. thanks

WishUponAStar88 Sun 12-Jan-14 13:00:08

lljk organ donation is complicated. Organs have to be in a good condition in order to be taken and gifted to someone else. Hearts, for example, can only be taken from someone who is declared 'brain-stem dead' and is withdrawn from life support in very specific conditions (in theatre). For other organs (heart valves are the exception) there is usually around 5minute window from time of death to the child being in theatre having organs removed. Thus is not feasible for sudden deaths that cannot be stabilised on life support until recipients are found and the surgeons are ready.

ddubsgirl Sun 12-Jan-14 13:07:18

all of mine are on the list and when they were old enough I have spoke to them and said if tey dont want to be on it I would take them off so far none of my boys have asked

Someone upthread said next of kin can override the wishes of an adult on the register. This is no longer the case:

What will happen if my relatives object?
We know that in most cases families will agree to donation if they knew that was their loved one's wish. If the family, or those closest to the person who has died, object to the donation when the person who has died has given their explicit permission, either by telling relatives, close friends or clinical staff, or by carrying a donor card or registering their wishes on the NHS Organ Donor Register, healthcare professionals will discuss the matter sensitively with them. They will be encouraged to accept the dead person's wishes and it will be made clear that they do not have the legal right to veto or overrule those wishes. There may, nevertheless, be cases where it would be inappropriate for donation to go ahead.

From the NHS site

lljkk Sun 12-Jan-14 14:09:38

One of the cases was a child on life support when the parents were asking before the body stopped breathing, WishUpon. But I imagine the rejection was partly because of uncertainty about his cause of death (I don't want to give details for obv. reasons). So very sad. :-(

I think that there should be more openness about organ donation but also the autopsy procedure, especially in under 18 deaths and unexpected deaths.

I wonder if people realised that the body may be cut in the area anyway, it may change their mind.

I think it is utter selfishness not to consider donation.

However, there is still questions about harvesting eggs etc from females and the use/experiments of those, that make me uncomfortable about my DD's ticking "all" on the forms.

munchkinmaster Sun 12-Jan-14 14:31:57

With regard to the idea that a parent could be taken to court to force a child to have a transplant as in the example given earlier. That might be true for some cases where transplant is very likely to be successful. I don't really know.

What I do know is that for really tricky organs such as lungs where you are looking at the child having maybe 2 more years to live or the chance of a transplant, then given transplant is so risky and the outcome uncertain, parents and older children are totally within their rights to turn transplant down. It's a palliative treatment after all, life prolonging, not life saving.

If two parents were unable to agree I imagine that would go to court.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sun 12-Jan-14 15:31:18

Thanks, Ria - that was my comment you've responded to. But doesn't that note still suggest that donation might not happen after discussion with the next of kin?

TeacupDrama Sun 12-Jan-14 16:20:45

if two parents disagreed about treatment it might go to court' however if 2 parents disagreed re donation it just would not happen

I'm just guessing Save but I think it's probably only in cases where relatives would find it hugely traumatic, and that most objections won't overrule the deceased's wishes.

TroLoLo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:45:43

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I'm going to discuss it further with ds dad when I see him next. It just seems like such a no brainer to me that I added ds without thinking of considering exDp. It's a dreadful thing to think about but it's something that was brought to my attention through uni.

MaidOfStars Sun 12-Jan-14 19:12:38

OP, it's wonderful that you have considered this. As others have said, in practice, it won't matter until the time comes (hopefully never) to kae the decision on behalf of your children. If Dad still objects, the no organs will be donated.

On a more general,point, I could not be more opposed to an opt-out system.

MaidOfStars Sun 12-Jan-14 19:13:01


Lioninthesun Sun 12-Jan-14 20:29:25

Just caught up with the thread and am now worried that exP could potentially scupper DD being a donor. He has had no contact since she is 6mo and we don't even know where he lives. If he wasn't contactable for consent would they veto it or take the fact he is merely a biological dad into consideration?

Andro Sun 12-Jan-14 21:44:03

Putting him on the list isn't wrong, refusing to remove him when he's older if he asks you to would be.

My dc are not on the list though, it's a decision DH and I have chosen to leave to our DC - DD is too young to really care, DS is resolutely against it (for reasons I understand, but hope will change as he gets older).

moldingsunbeams Wed 15-Jan-14 12:05:59

They have been discussing this on TWS this morning in regards to this thread.

I work on the basis that I would accept a donor for dd so would register her.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 15-Jan-14 12:08:29

If you didn't put your child on the list, but then ended up in a situation where it would be possible to donate their organs, could you still do it? I assumed they would discuss it with you if it was an option at the time?

Yes, they should. The rationale given for being on the register is that is makes it easier for staff to broach the subject at an incredibly difficult time.
I hadn't put my DCs due to confidence that if medical staff didn't bring the subject up with me then DH or I would with them but that is due to our personal circumstances.

Andro Wed 15-Jan-14 12:18:01

If you didn't put your child on the list, but then ended up in a situation where it would be possible to donate their organs, could you still do it?

Yes. The register signifies a willingness to donate, it does not prevent a non-signatory from having their organs donated if that's what the next of kin agrees to.

Lilicat1013 Wed 15-Jan-14 12:28:28

I wouldn't put my children on the list. It just feels wrong to me as they wouldn't get a choice. I can see where your ex husband is coming from, it does feel wrong to me for one parent to do that without speaking to the other.

If something terrible happen my husband and I have both agreed we would say yes to organ donation for them but actually putting them on the list feels like something different.

My husband and I are both on the organ donor list, have done the blood test thing for bone marrow donation and my husband is a blood donor (I was but am not allowed now). I would be encouraging both my children to do these things as well as we believe everyone who can should. However I wouldn't want to agree to it for them unless the circumstances were that we didn't have any choice but to make a decision on their behalf.

As soon as they are old enough to understand I will speak to them about it and sign them up if they would like to.

MaidOfStars Wed 15-Jan-14 13:29:59

The list in, its current role is, in my opinion, meaningless. The next of kin ALWAYS get the final say either way. It may be more useful to look up the NOK's wishes re: organ transplantation, as you may get an indicator of whether they will consent or not.

Ideally, I'd see the list as the final say, and not allow the NOK any say. I don't want an opt-in system because I don't think anyone should override my choice on how to apply my right to bodily integrity (in life or in death). It's therefore a corollary that I wouldn't extend the right to override to my NOK.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 15-Jan-14 13:34:19

We're both blood donors (though I haven't been since before DS was born, should get on that) and on the bone marrow register.

It seems strange that they allow to register your happiness with donating, but then over ride that if your NOK is unhappy. It's my body, surely?

LilyTheSavage Wed 15-Jan-14 13:40:43

OK. A few months ago my DS2 and I had a discussion about organ donation. He was very much in favour of it. Very sadly he died in August. I remembered that he was in favour of it and was able to donate his heart valves. (More would have been donated but it wasn't possible). I get great comfort from the fact that sooner or later his heart valves will be used for life saving surgery for two small children or babies. I really feel that if you were ever in a position where your DC would need a donated organ then you and your DC should be on the register. Hypocritical otherwise.

RaspberryRuffle Wed 15-Jan-14 13:56:47

Lily, so sorry for the loss of such a wonderful selfless son.
You're right, it would be hypocritical to accept an organ if unwilling to donate. I've known about organ donation since age 5 and am in favour of all suitable organs being used. I've seen first hand the misery being on a transplant list can cause. DH knows my wishes and would never overrule them.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 15-Jan-14 14:58:38

Oh Lily I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you can take comfort that other children will be helped by his valves.

TroLoLo Thu 16-Jan-14 20:41:39

Lily I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

I spoke to exDp about it again. He said he doesn't want me to take ds off the register, he understands why I put him on but he just doesn't feel involved in any decisions but that's a whole other thread!

What's TWS?

Rosencrantz Fri 17-Jan-14 05:53:04

I think it wrong. 100% body autonomy. No one is making choices on behalf of my DCs. Only them, when they are the appropriate age.

MaidOfStars Fri 17-Jan-14 09:46:36

I think it wrong. 100% body autonomy. No one is making choices on behalf of my DCs. Only them, when they are the appropriate age

So if one of your children needed surgery, you'd refuse?

olympicsrock Fri 17-Jan-14 10:41:51

I've worked in transplant surgery. The next of kin do not have the legal right to veto organ donation if a donor has clearly made their wishes known but in practice the transplant community avoid bad press and so organ donations do not go ahead if the relatives do not support it.

It is interesting that DS's father is EXP not ExH does he have parental responsibility? If not married when the child is born, fathers have to apply for this. Without it he cannot consent on behalf of your child. This applies if he needed his appendix out for example. Many people don't know this.

It is vital that parents who lose a child do consider organ donation as there are babies with congenital conditions who need life saving transplants but must wait for an organ small enough to fit in their bodies and some die while waiting. I would speak to EXP and explain how you would feel if your child needed a transplant.

TroLoLo Fri 17-Jan-14 11:04:20

I have spoken to exp about it again and he said he has thought about it and he agrees to ds being on the register. I think he understands how important it could be to some one else if, god forbid, anything was to happen to ds. When ds is old enough I will have a chat with him about this and see how he feels about everything.

Lioninthesun Sat 18-Jan-14 00:18:33

Thank you Olympic DD's dad didn't turn up to be put on the BC so I assume this means he couldn't contest. I should have realised that, thank you though!

So glad you had a good conclusion OP, sometimes it takes a little time with sensitive matters for people to get their heads around what is actually the best course of action. Thank you for starting a thread that I have learned from too!

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